ENTERTAINMENT • DINING • TRAVEL • SPORTS • HUMOR JULY 2014

Gregory Polanco

Scan Cover for a NIGHTWIRE NOW “LIVE!” Chance to Win Night Out on Learn how to “GO LIVE” on page 1 Nightwire! July 2014 •

2014-07-July-Cover.indd 1 6/28/14 9:40 AM $2 off Entree w/ Student ID

• July 2014 Welcome to ’s First Interactive Magazine

1. Download the FREE LAYAR APP from the app store or www.layar.com 2. Open it and hold your phone so you can see the entire page. 3. One click scans the page and the entire issue comes to life. 4. Now just flip though our magazine as you normally would while looking through your phone.

July 2014 • 1 Contents

Publisher: Joyce Campisi Page 3...... Purple Stride Pittsburgh Editor-in-Chief: Joyce Campisi Pages 4-5...... Pirates Executive Editor: Joseph P. Campisi, III Pages 6-7...... Managing Editor: Daniel M. Calig Pages 8-9...... Gallery Crawl Assignment Editor: Jennifer L. Campisi Pages 10-11...... Anchor Steam Beer Sports Editor: Pages 12-13...... Pabst Blue Ribbon Stacy Kauffman Director of Marketing: Pages 14-15...... Roy Pitz Brewing Lori Czekaj Page 16...... Wine and Spirits Assistant to the Editor: Rachel Mende Pages 18-19...... GrillGrates Graphic Designer: Anna Buzzelli, Casey King Pages 20-21...... Americas Burgers Layout/Production Management: 77 Design Co. Pages 22-23...... Live at the Improv Cover Designer: Anna Buzzelli Pages 24-25...... Travel Photographer: Man Nguyen, Tom Strong, Page 26-41...... Humor Thomas Verscharen, Caleb Green Page 42...... Classifieds Feature Writers: Chris Wise, Suz Pisano, Lori Czekaj, Brian Meyer Contributing Writers: Dottie Wilhelm, Gerry Pekol, Lori Hon, Boris Pekol Distribution Manager: Jeff Engbarth Nightwire Magazine/ SX Publications Photos used with permission of the Pittsburgh Pirates. You may not alter, reproduce, redistribute 303A Bellevue Road or use these images in any other manner without permission from The Pittsburgh Pirates. Pittsburgh, PA 15229 Phone: 412-755-1055 Fax: 412-755-1056 www.nightwire.net

Copyright ®, SX publications, Nightwire. All rights reserved. SX Publications, Nightwire owns the copyrights of the photographs and contents of this publication. No part of this publication may be reproduced, modified, retransmitted or published in any part of copyrighted material without the expressed written permission of the publisher. The articles and editorials are meant for entertainment purposes only, and do not necessarily represent opinions of SX Publications, Nightwire, they are those of the writers and advertisers and may not necessarily represent those of SX Publications, Nightwire. SX Publications, Nightwire in no way offers any recommendations, endorsements or guarantees of any kind with regard to any service, product or person in any way for the actions ensuing from advertising. This publication contains elements adult in nature and may not be suitable for minors. Some of the products and services available through advertisements are not for purchase by minors. SX Publications, Nightwire cannot be held responsible for photos submitted by advertisers and photography supplied by advertisers or vendors without a release from the model(s). SX Publications, Nightwire will assume no liability for misprints, typos, ad print quality, ad placement or incorrect ad copy.

2 • July 2014 Purple Stride Pittsburgh

With only several weeks of abdominal pain as any prior indication candidate and benefit from joining a clinical trial, the family was of a problem for Steven Gray and just two days after his 54th told that it was not worth pursuing. Fortunately, they did not birthday, he and his family were stunned with the rapid and bleak accept this advice and, on their own, obtained a second opinion. diagnosis of Stage IV metastatic pancreatic cancer, which had Unknown to them at the time, the Pancreatic Cancer Action spread to his liver. A local oncologist told him that his disease Network would have been an excellent resource to connect was always fatal, his longevity (if very lucky) would be 3-6 months, them with clinical trials and a wide array of other services they so and the ONE treatment option available to him was so harsh (with desperately needed at the time. numerous side effects) that he may choose to forego treatment The Pancreatic Cancer Action Network is the national and accept the inevitable without a fight. organization creating hope in a comprehensive way through This prognosis is, indeed, typical for his stage of the disease. research, patient support, community outreach and advocacy In all of its stages, pancreatic cancer only offers a 6% survival for a cure. The Patient and Liaison Services program provides rate beyond 5 years. However, after seeking a second opinion, patients and their families with the most current information Steve was offered multiple treatment options (including a clinical on the disease, from treatment options and clinical trials, to diet trial that only a teaching/ research-based hospital can provide), and nutrition information and pain management. In addition, the a longer life expectancy, and a better-than-expected quality of Survivor and Caregiver network puts patients and their families in life. With his wife, Patty, as his primary caregiver, Steve decided touch with people who can share their experiences, ask questions, to participate in a Phase II clinical trial at Johns Hopkins Hospital and offer support. All of the services are free of charge and patient in , Maryland. His hope was, naturally, to improve his information is kept strictly confidential. For more information go current well being which was on a rapid decline with weight loss, to www.pancan.org. pain etc. But as Steve told his oncologist, “If I have to endure The Pittsburgh Affiliate of the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network this regimen, I would at least like to think that I’ve contributed to is one of nearly 60 volunteer-run affiliates in communities across the knowledge of the disease and helped others in the process”. the country. Local volunteers focus efforts on raising public Steve’s chemotherapy (less than 30 patients participated in this awareness, reaching out to healthcare professionals, advocating trial), while presenting its own set of side effects, drastically for increased federal pancreatic cancer research funding and improved his health. His tumors decreased in size and number, planning local awareness events like PurpleStride Pittsburgh he regained all of his lost weight, and he felt “really good” for the presented by HM Insurance group. This event will be held on next 8 months. While the ultimate prognosis remained the same, Sunday, July 13, 2014 at North Shore Riverfront Park (across from the doctors, nurses and staff at Johns Hopkins gave Steve hope, Heinz Field). To register or for more information go to www. comfort, and a reason to live. The care he received went beyond purplestride.org/pittsburgh. the normal doctor-patient relationship. While always professional, PurpleStride Pittsburgh presented by HM Insurance Group Steve’s entire team was caring, responsive, and completely is among 50 PurpleStride events taking place this year in accessible (even when needed at 10:30 p.m. on a Friday night communities across the country where tens of thousands of while on vacation!). His 14 1/2 month reprieve allowed Steve to people will make strides toward attaining the goal of doubling the make plans, travel, and enjoy invaluable time with his family. His survival rate by 2020 and eventually finding a cure for pancreatic family cherishes the additional time they were blessed to have cancer. Since Steve’s death in August of 2013, Patty, her sister- Steve with them. in-law, Janie, and the entire Gray family have become active Steve believed that participation in a clinical trial was the best supporters of the organization and will participate in this year’s decision he could have made faced with pancreatic cancer. Steve’s event. family believes that his clinical trial participation and courageous With statistics indicating that pancreatic cancer will become the personal struggle resulted in knowledge benefiting future patients second leading cause of cancer-related death by 2020, the Gray as evidenced by grant endowments and ongoing research family believes that the monetary support that they and others performed by his primary oncologist and clinical trial doctor. give to pancreatic cancer research will lead to the prevention, Even after specifically questioning whether Steve would be a treatment, and cure of this devastating disease.

July 2014 • 3 Sports

The Pirates Gear Up For The Second Half

By: Stacy Kauffman Sports Feature Writer for Nightwire, Photos ©2014 Pittsburgh Pirates

July is a month made for baseball. The sun shines the lineup, they have batted .343 (46-134), have 22 more often, kids are out of school and it’s prime fam- RBI and have scored 24 runs. The collective speed ily memory making time. Plus, as the weather heats ties opposing pitchers and defenses in knots wor- up, so does the competition on the field with teams rying about base stealers and having to make the beginning to make their push for playoff position- perfect play on the ball to nab the speedsters at first. ing. So not only are you having fun at the ballpark, If they can stay healthy, they will set the table for a you are watching good baseball. It’s a win-win. And big second half of the season offensively. Talking about winning is exactly what the Pirates have been doing And as great as the three amigos are roaming the lately. outfield grass at PNC Park, the real story of the first After falling to a 10-18 record during the first 28 half is the emergence of Josh Harrison as a poten- showing up, games of the season, the Pirates have had the best tial everyday player. Through 80 contests, J-Hay record in the National League and the second best has logged 21 multi-hit games. The only player on some guy named in the majors at 31-21 since. Both the pitching and the team with more? The reigning National League the hitting have shown up in June big time. In games M.V.P. Andrew McCutchen. That’s right. The Hurdle- through Friday, June 27th, the Pirates lead the Na- proclaimed “super utility player” has had multiple Gregory Polanco tional League with an on base percentage (OBP) of hits in more games than Neil Walker, Starling Marte, .355 and are second in the N.L. in batting average, Pedro Alvarez and Russell Martin. Those hits aren’t is doing just that, hitting .273 as a team. The starting pitching is also inconsequential either. Harrison is batting .357 with perched near the top of the N.L. in June, posting a runners in scoring position (RISP) and bridged the validating the 13-6 record and a 3.17 ERA gap between a struggling Marte to the rookie phe- Talking about showing up, some guy named nom Polanco at the top of the order beautifully. Gregory Polanco is doing just that, validating the In addition to his success at the dish, Harrison has hype. hype. Settling in at the top of the order, he is 21- been more than serviceable at almost every posi- for-62 (.339) with 9 RBI and 13 runs scored during tion on the diamond. He’s done his best Superman his first 15 games in the lead off spot. When Clint flying impression in both corners of the outfield and Hurdle slipped Starling Marte in the two hole behind has shown the same all out play while diving all over Polanco and in front of Andrew McCutchen, a new, the infield, whether for the ball or getting out of a dynamic combination was born. After Marte’s ex- rundown on the bases. If the All-Star ballot had “util- tended slump, hitting second seems to agree with ity” as a position, Josh Harrison would be the leading him. In the ten games the outfield trio has been atop vote getter.

4 • July 2014 The City’s Hottest Live Music Scene! UPCOMING SHOWS Tickets at Jergels.com

Leading the starting pitching staff since year in a row. All contending teams are his call up from Indianapolis is reclama- sending out solid pitching staffs to the tion project number 582, Vance Worley. bump and it’s rare to see success in the Better known as the “Vanimal” when he second half based on offensive firepower is on and boy, has he been on since he alone. arrived in Pittsburgh. In his three starts, As teams set up for the stretch run, this he’s given up four earned runs and has a is what must happen for the Pirates to be 4:1 strikeout to walk ratio. That equates playing meaningful games in September. to a 1.74 ERA and WHIP of 0.97, which is Pedro Alvarez has to rediscover his power top notch. Giving the team innings while stroke. The lineup can get by without not issuing walks or giving up many hits is it, but with his boom stick hot, oppos- exactly what the Pirates needed from him. ing pitchers get no break. Russell Martin And he isn’t the only one providing quality must stay healthy. Martin controls the starts. Jeff Locke looks to be getting back run game and manages his pitchers like to his All-Star form since he was called up well oiled machines. He is irreplaceable. for the second time this season. In those Quality starts must continue from your four starts, he is 3-1 and has complied a starters and the bullpen has to close out 2.54 ERA, a 9:2 strikeout to walk ratio and games when they are handed them to a WHIP of 0.88! If Edinson Volquez and finish. The last piece of the puzzle is to Charlie Morton can find some consistency beat the teams ahead of you in the divi- and Cole gets back to pre-disabled list lev- sion. Have to take care of business with els, the rotation looks to be in good shape Milwaukee, St. Louis and Cincinnati before for the dog days of summer as they wait anything else can happen. With 25 games out Francisco Liriano’s injury. left against those teams, the opportunity video tour Pitching will be the key to competing is there. for a playoff spot. Five teams from each Stacy Kauffman, Sports Feature Writer for the venue! league make it with the two wild cards Nightwire Magazine and Weekend Talk Show battling it out in one do-or-die game. With Host on 93.7 The Fan, has appeared on nu- Visit jergels.com.calendar the Milwaukee Brewers continuing to win, merous media outlets including Fox Sports for a complete list of shows! unless something takes them off the rails, Pittsburgh, CBS and ESPN Radio. She can be it looks like the Buccos will be fighting for reached on Twitter @SportsnWhatnot or at 103 Slade Lane, Warrendale, PA 15086 an invite to play do-or-die for the second [email protected]

July 2014 • 5 Cedar Point

Hear those two magical words, and it’s a good bet that This year, Cedar Point unveiled Pipe Scream – a twisting and images of the park’s 17 breathtaking coasters, with their spinning adventure being called “the best of a steep hills and sharp turns taking riders on exhilarating and flat ride in one” – and Lake Erie Eagles – an update of flights, come to mind. But if you’re not a coaster enthusiast a swinging classic that lets riders guide their own flight 28 – or you’re a young coaster fan in training that isn’t quite feet in the air. tall enough for the big rides – you might be surprised to Overall, the park now boasts more than 150 rides, shows discover there’s still plenty to do at the place voted “Best and attractions to provide memories for visitors of all ages. Amusement Park in the World” for the past 16 straight Whether you’re a mom who wants to go somewhere fun years. with the kids or a dad looking for someplace that’s budget- With two new family-friendly rides and a revamped friendly and easy to get to, Cedar Point will help families Midway, Cedar Point amusement park/resort in Sandusky, reconnect and have their best day of the summer. Ohio, is doubling down on fun for the whole family in 2014.

6 • July 2014 Top 10 Tips for Families Visiting Cedar Point and comfortable locations for parents with young children. Is there anything more difficult than planning the perfect family Both air-conditioned locations feature baby changing areas, vacation? Tell us if this sounds like you: You are traveling with an private nursing stations and infant-feeding areas, equipped energetic toddler, a tween who thinks she’s cooler than all of you with high chairs and rocking chairs. Bottles may also be and a teenager who is always on his phone. Mom wants to go warmed at any major restaurant in the park. Our Family someplace fun for the kids, but someplace where she can relax Care Centers are also First Aid stations which offer over- too. Dad wants someplace that’s budget-friendly and easy to get the-counter medications, bandages and emergency care to. Sounds daunting, right? Well it doesn’t have to be! A vacation if needed. Private, roomy family restrooms with changing getaway to Cedar Point amusement park/resort in Sandusky, stations can also be found at a variety of locations around Ohio, not only meets all of the above needs, but it will help the park, including at both Family Care Centers. families reconnect and have their “best day” of the summer. To 6. Be safe. Cedar Point offers guests a service to quickly reunite help you plan the ultimate vacation, here are 10 tips for families separated children and parents with cell phones. Guests visiting Cedar Point. can sign up for KidTrack, a service that gives each child a 1. Save time. Cedar Point has more than 150 rides, shows and wristband with their parents’ or guardians’ phone number attractions, plus an enormous waterpark and a pristine written on the inside of the band. If the child should become beach along Lake Erie. That’s a lot to take on in a day or two. separated from their parent or guardian, they can go to any Check out a map of the park at cedarpoint.com and make park employee who will call the cell phone number and wait a list of the rides, shows and places you don’t want to miss. with the child until they are reunited with their parent or For the ultimate Cedar Point experience upgrade to guardian. wristband which will allow you to bypass the regular lines 7. Meet the coolest dog on the planet. Who wouldn’t love a on more than 20 rides or Fast Lane Plus which allows you to hug from the one and only Snoopy? Charlie Brown, Lucy, enjoy all of the Fast Lane attractions PLUS, unlimited rides on Linus and everyone’s favorite beagle, Snoopy, are some of GateKeeper, Maverick and ! A very limited the most popular cartoon characters of all time, and you can number are available each day so be sure to buy yours today see them at Cedar Point. There’s even a Snoopy-themed ice online! skating show! 2. Save money. Cedar Point offers a variety of ways to save 8. Grab a bite to eat. Children’s meals are available at a variety money on your vacation. Purchasing tickets online is the of locations around the park. Natural fruit juices and milk are best way to kick-start your savings. You’ll keep an extra $40 also available throughout the park. Do you have someone in your wallet just by buying tickets for a family of four at in your family with a food allergy? No problem! Cedar Point cedarpoint.com, rather than at the gate. That’s enough to offers guests a wide variety of food options to choose from. cover a full tank of gas for your trip! Other money-saving Cedar Point offers gluten-free, egg-free and dairy-free foods options: Purchasing group tickets through your office or upon request. A list of locations and special dietary needs business, purchasing multi-day tickets that include admission can be found online at: cedarpoint.com/plan-a-visit/special- to Soak City waterpark, and by checking your local AAA or dietary-needs . credit union for discounted tickets. New this year are special 9. My kids are too small to enjoy an amusement park. Nothing money-saving meal deals! could be further from the truth. Cedar Point offers more 3. Get the ultimate Cedar Point experience. The absolute best than 150 rides, shows and attractions, so there are endless way to save money and time is to stay at a Cedar Point Resort possibilities for kids of all ages. Cedar Point also has three property. Cedar Point offers three resort hotels, an indoor huge children’s areas, including , where you waterpark/resort, two marinas, a luxury RV facility and more can fly into space with everyone’s favorite pup and enjoy than 100 cottages and cabins located right along Lake Erie. rides right alongside your kids. Other great stops for kids Plus you can get the best rates on admission tickets to the include Kiddy Kingdom and , which features park, and as guests at any Cedar Point Resort you will also the Woodstock Express fun-sized coaster. Here you’ll get Early Entry, which allows them into the park a full one- fi n d a n o t h e r g r e a t fi r s t c o a s t e r f o r k i d s – W i l d e r n e s s R u n. hour before the park opens to the general public. Forgotten items. Packing for a family vacation can be a little 4. 4. Take turns. Cedar Point knows parents like to have fun, stressful (understatement) and you may forget something. too. To make it easy for mom and dad to both ride what they That’s not a problem when you visit Cedar Point. Single and want, they offer the Parent Swap program. Here’s how it double strollers are available to rent. Miscellaneous baby works: one parent waits in line to a coaster or other height- supplies, such as baby oil, infant clothing and disposable restricted ride. After riding, they give their Parent Swap pass diapers along with additional items, including sunscreen, to the ride operator. Then, the other parent/guardian, who’s hats, clothing, etc. are also available. been taking care of the little ones, can walk up to the exit to Plan your Cedar Point visit today at cedarpoint.com - Be sure and get right on the ride. Talk about a time-sa ver! check back next month and read about the Nightwire’s personal 5. Take a break for baby. Cedar Point offers two Family Care experience and reviews of the top thrill rides at the “Best Centers in the park. Our Family Care Centers are convenient Amusement Park in the World” – Cedar Point!!

July 2014 • 7 PIttsburgh Cultural Trust - Gallery Crawl

The Pittsburgh Cultural Trust announces the line-up for its Cell Phone Disco by InformationLab summer Gallery Crawl taking place Friday, July 11, 2014, from This surface visualizes the electromagnetic field of an active 5:30–10 p.m. The crawl showcases a wide variety of thought- mobile phone. Several thousand lights illuminate when you provoking art exhibitions in ’s Cultural make or receive a phone call in the vicinity of the installation. District. Live bands, DJs, dance, comedy, film, and participatory activities are also part of the complimentary crawl events. Continuing the celebration of a decade of gallery crawls in the 4 Shaw Galleries Cultural District, the Pittsburgh Cultural Trust invites attendees to Instagram their favorite Gallery Crawl memory using #CrawlPGH 805 Liberty Avenue by July 18, 2014. Your photo may be selected to promote the FROM_PITTSBURGH_WITH_LOVE September 26, 2014, Gallery Crawl! A Mt. Washington resident, gallery owner Kurt Shaw has been Introduced in January 2014 to mark the 10th anniversary of documenting the amazing sunrises over the city for more than Gallery Crawl, CrawlAfterDark highlights the transformation of three years and posting them on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and the Cultural District, promoting numerous options for late night Instagram with the moniker FROM_PITTSBURGH_WITH_LOVE. entertainment, from comedy, music, theater, clubs, dining, and This “People’s Choice” exhibition showcases a selection of his more. most “liked” photo posts. Gallery Crawl events are free and open to the public. For more information and a map of the Gallery Crawl events, visit TrustArts.org/Crawl or call 412-456-6666. 5 Trust Arts Education Center Gallery Crawl in the Cultural District is a production of the Pittsburgh Cultural Trust’s Education and Community 805/807 Liberty Avenue Engagement Department. Peirce Studio The following is a few of the July 11, 2014, Gallery Crawl events: Belly Dance Show Belly dancing is the oldest form of dance, having roots in all ancient cultures from the Orient to India to the Middle East. It 1 Wood Street Gallery is based on one of the social dances called Raks Baladi and is performed by people of all ages and both genders during festive 601 Wood Street occasions. Performances at 7 p.m., 8 p.m., and 9 p.m. La Cour des Miracles (The Court of Miracles) Bill Vorn’s and Louis-Philippe Demers’s robots act as “fake” Third Floor humans, displaying symptoms of “abnormal” psychological American Society of Media Photographers (ASMP) behaviors and uttering expressions of discomfort. They moan The Pittsburgh chapter of the ASMP is showing images from its in response to the audience’s physical engagement and personal and commercial works. interactions with them. Fourth Floor Mars Is Underwater by Ricardo Iamuuri (2013 RAW Pittsburgh 2 SPACE Musician of the Year)

812 Liberty Avenue Mars is Underwater is the first segment of Slaves To Cool, Cataloguing Pattern a series conceived of and produced by multimedia sound Guest organized by Kristen Letts Kovak, participating artists collage artist Ricardo Iamuuri. He performs a live original include Ted Coffey, Salinda Deery, Aaron Henderson, score, accompanying his sound art with additional video works Todd Keyser, Kristen Letts Kovak, Maria Mangano, Natalie from Darian Stansbury and Alisha Wormsley. Experimental, Settles, Brooke Sturtevant-Sealover, and Rebecca Zilinski. improvisational, and collaborative, Mars is Underwater lives at Whilepatterns adorn our homes, our belongingsand ourselves, the intersection of theater, film, music, and performance art. they are more than ornamentation. Patterns appeal to our Performances at 6:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m., and 8:30 p.m. fundamentaldesire for predictability. They are not theantithesis of plainness, but rather an orderedresponse to the unknown. African Beats and World Cup History The exhibitionexplores visual, biological, cognitive, andphysical Cameroon Football Development Program patterning. Take a journey through the rich history of African nations’ Music is provided by DJ Edgar Um. contribution to the greatest soccer competition on earth, the FIFA World Cup, from 1930 to today. Enjoy friendly soccer juggling competitions, Mama Sylvia’s famous West African 3 Tito Way cuisine, and dance to the best in African pop music by Pittsburgh’s DJ Aiken. The exhibition is curated by Cameroon Memento Mori by Mary Mazziotti Football Development Program, a Pittsburgh-based youth A set of billboards reminding the viewer that life can be short development organization that provides leadership, life skills, and its end unpredictable. and health education to boys and girls on the soccer field.

8 • July 2014 6 Harris Theater

809 Liberty Avenue Pittsburgh Filmmakers presents regionally produced short films on a loop by Ivette Spradlin, Tom Fisher & Stefano Ceccarelli, Michael Pisano, and Christina Claiborne. 5:30–9 p.m.

Pittsburgh Filmmakers Photography Alumni group show. Arcade Comedy Theater 811 Liberty Avenue Pop in for some laughs, featuring Pittsburgh’s best sketch, improvisational, and alternative comedy. Time to play! Catholic Charities Susan Zubik Welcome Center

7 Arcade Comedy Theater

811 Liberty Avenue Pop in for some laughs, featuring Pittsburgh’s best sketch, improvisational, and alternative comedy. Time to play! Catholic Charities Susan Zubik Welcome Center

8 212 Ninth Street

Coloring Pittsburgh A photography exhibition curated by students from Manchester Craftsmen’s Guild Youth and Arts Program.

9 Handmade Arcade 820 Liberty Avenue Join Handmade Arcade, Pittsburgh’s largest and longest-running indie craft fair, for hands-on crafting using recycled materials. Learn about ways to get involved in Handmade Arcade’s next event on December 6th at the Convention Center. Make it; take it—easy and fun!

10 THERE Ultra Lounge 931 Liberty Avenue Amalgamations, recent works by Donnie Toomer–– Having earned a BFA in printmaking and book arts from the University of Georgia, Donnie Toomer’s current modes of expression include aerosols, encaustics, printmaking, and assemblages from recycled and found objects.

See the full list at http://crawl.trustarts.org

July 2014 • 9 ANCHOR STEAM BEER By: Brian Meyer

While breweries like Goose Island, Deschutes, and Rogue can Being summer however, Christmas beers trace their history all the way back to 1988, if you want to go should be the last thing on all of our minds, way back, the only place to look is at Anchor Brewing Company. which is why Anchor has a much more The history of Anchor Brewing Company can be traced all the refreshing lineup for the warmer months. way back to 1871 when German immigrant Gottlieb Brekle purchased a beer and billiards saloon and opened a brewery Anchor Steam on Pacific Street in San Francisco. It wasn’t until 1896 however The beer that started it all for Anchor, that the brewery was renamed Anchor Brewing by Ernst Baruth Steam takes its name from a nickname and his son-in-law Otto Schinkel. Nobody’s quite sure where the beers brewed on the west coast in the name Anchor came from, but it’s widely accepted that it was 19th century were given thanks to the lack meant to be a tie-in with the booming Port of San Francisco. of ice during brewing and the often warm A string of unfortunate events including the death of Ernst conditions they were brewed in. Much Baruth, the devastating fire and earthquake of 1907, and like the name of the brewery itself, the Prohibition in 1920 knocked Anchor down but not out. Between actual source of the Steam nickname the repeal of Prohibition in 1933 and 1965 Anchor Brewing saw isn’t clear, but it’s believed that it its share of change, but in 1965 a new era started at Anchor, comes from the cooling of fermenting known as the Maytag Era. beer on San Francisco rooftops by It was in 1965 that Fritz Maytag, upon hearing of the planned the cool night air, creating a steam final closing of the storied brewery that he loved, decided to that rose from the warm beer. purchase 51% of the brewery in a bid to keep the doors open Steam was at one time a and improve on the beer Anchor brewed and how it was nickname for all beer coming from produced. the West Coast, but today it’s a In 1971, 100 years after Gottlieb founded the original brewery trademark of Anchor Brewing on Pacific, Fritz Maytag started brewing what would become Company and only applies to this the most popular and recognizable beer produced by Anchor great beer. still today: Anchor Steam Beer. Even though nobody knew Anchor Steam Beer smells of what a microbrewery or craft beer was quite yet, it was pretty rich, semi-sweet malt with some evident that Anchor was on to something great and was leading bready, biscuity aroma paired a revolution in brewing that was far from the light lagers that with a slight hint of citrus. were popular at the time. The taste can be described as Jump ahead to 1984 and Anchor Brewing releases the first slight caramel with a touch of wheat beer produced in the United States since Prohibition to citrus and the same buscuity celebrate their 5th anniversary. Jump ahead again to 1993 and maltiness found in the aroma. you’ll find another first for Anchor with the opening of their in- Overall Anchor Steam Beer is house distillery at the brewery; a first of its kind in the world. a great, easy-drinking beer that Today Anchor Brewing is one of the most traditional breweries is well balanced, not too bitter, in the United States, producing one of the few remaining and has more than enough versions of the California Common, also known as Steam Beer. flavor to never be considered Anchor’s beers are still brewed in handmade copper vessels in boring or overdone. their San Francisco brewhouse with the same level of care that Fritz Maytag instilled into Anchor nearly 50 years ago. Liberty Ale Malt: Blend of 2-Row Pale and The Beers Caramel Anchor Brewing Company offers an assortment of beers Hops: Northern Brewer ranging form their original Steam Beer to seasonal classics ABV: 4.9% like the ever-changing Anchor Christmas Ale, which was first IBU: 37 brewed in 1975 and comes in a different style and with a new Liberty Ale was first brewed label every year since then. on April 18th, 1975 to celebrate

10 • July 2014 the 200th anniversary of Paul Revere’s historic ride, and it’s still made today. This beer is made with whole cone hops as well as dry hopped to create a delicate yet unique taste that makes this American IPA surprisingly easy to drink. The aroma of Liberty Ale features citrus in the forefront with some bready, yeasty characteristics in the background. The taste can be described as having pear and grapefruit present with a balance of malt and bitterness. Liberty Ale is naturally carbonated, which gives the beer a unique higher than normal fizziness and unique mouthfeel.

Anchor Porter Malt: 2-Row Pale Hops: Cascade ABV:5.9 IBU: 47 Anchor Porter features a thick, creamy head that sits atop a deep black beer that has tastes of chocolate, toffee, and coffee in a surprisingly smooth balance. This highly hopped porter is naturally carbonated to give it even more smooth mouthfeel and taste, and is the first American porter, first brewed in 1972. The aroma of Anchor Porter is heavy on roasted barley with a subtle smell of chocolate, vanilla, and toffee. The taste consists of coffee with sweet malt, molasses, and a solid hoppy bitterness.

California Lager Malt: Blend of 2-Row Pale, Caramel, Black, and Chocolate Hops: Northern Brewer ABV: 5.6% IBU: 20 By far the newest beer in this list, Anchor’s California Lager was first brewed in 2012, but its roots go all the way back to the beginning of the brewery and the Gold Rush. Made after California’s first genuine lager, brewed by Boca Brewing in 1876, Anchor’s version is a re-creation of this historic beer. While Anchor’s version isn’t cooled in a mountain ice pond like Boca’s version was, it’s still a true to the original version that will surprise you. The first thing you’ll notice with this beer is the aroma, which is extremely floral, with some hop character showing through. The taste features crisp citrus notes with a strong, yet very drinkable bitterness that moves to the grassy, earthy category. California Lager has a dry finish that leaves a slight yeasty taste that is not unpleasant. California Lager is an excellent version of an American Pale Lager that has enough character to stand on its own and isn’t strong enough that it can still be paired with a variety of foods.

Malt: 2-Row Pale Hops: Cluster ABV: 4.9%

Anchor Beers can be found in six- packs, cases, on draft, and in the unique 12-pack variety pack that features Original Wheat, Liberty Ale, Steam, and Porter. Anchor is proudly distributed by Frank B. Fuhrer Wholesale.

July 2014 • 11 Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer By: Brian Meyer

A brand that was once considered the uncool beer Unlike many of the other large breweries today, for fathers and grandfathers around the country Pabst doesn’t have a big advertising budget and has made a complete turnaround in popularity relies solely on the quality of their beer and word since early 2000 up to today where it’s become of mouth to spread the word of PBR. the go-to brand for the coolest of the cool. Pabst You won’t find scantily clad PBR girls handing out Blue Ribbon has one of the most recognizable t-shirts and beer koozies, and you definitely won’t logos in the beer world and their 16oz “Pounder” see any nationwide PBR television ads or hear can is about as iconic as a beer container can get. any radio ads or commercials. Pabst does all their There’s more to PBR than the cool factor and a advertising thanks to the cool crowd of millenials Pabst does all their recognizable can however, there’s a lot of history in the 21-35 age group and their love of the brand. behind the beer and some pretty amazing projects Whether it was the complete lack of advertising advertising thanks in their future, too. or the wrongly-perceived uncoolness of the brand that did it, PBR has become the hippest beer out to the cool crowd of History there and is the go-to beer in dive bars, sports Pabst Blue Ribbon beer was originally brewed in bars, concert venues, and sporting events. What’s most surprising however is that it’s still popular in millenials in the 21-35 1844 under the name Pabst Select. It wasn’t until 1895 that the beer gained its quintessential name many craft beer bars and is usually the only non- that we all know today, Pabst Blue Ribbon. Even craft beer that’s drank without a second look in age group and their love though the PBR can is known far and wide, it wasn’t these quickly growing establishments. until 1935 that the first PBR was placed in a can. PBR can be found today in containers ranging of the brand. Whether Stepping back from PBR for a minute, the Pabst from the traditional draft to 12,16, 24, and even Brewery was founded by Jacob Best in Milwaukee, 32-ounce cans as well as 12,22,32, and 40-ounce it was the complete Wisconsin originally as the Empire Brewery. They bottles. produced 300 barrels of Best Select Lager in their Recent awards for PBR include a gold medal at the lack of advertising or first year. In 1860 Jacob’s son Phillip took over for 2005, 2006, and 2012 Great American Beer Festival his father and renamed the brewery Phillip Best for American-Style Lager and a gold medal for the the wrongly-perceived Company and continues to produce the original 2013 Los Angeles International Beer Competition beer. for American Style Lager. uncoolness of the brand Jump ahead to 1876 and the newly named PBR is brewed with a combination of 2 and Pabst’s Best Select Lager wins a gold medal at the that did it, PBR has Centennial Celebration, the first of many awards to be won in the future. The new president of the become the hippest beer company, Frederick Pabst, decides that every bottle of Best Select Beer deserves its own blue ribbon to out there and is the go-to identify it as a first-place winner to everyone who tries the beer and since it’s 1882 this is done by beer in dive bars, sports hand around the neck of every bottle. Following suit with his father-in law Phillip, Pabst bars, concert venues, and changes the name of the brewery to honor whom else, but himself! With this renaming the Pabst Brewing Company we know today was truly born. sporting events. By 1892 Pabst Brewing is using nearly 1 million feet of silk ribbon per year for their hand-tied bows that went on every bottle of Best Select. Jump ahead once again to 1898 and Best Select finally changes its name to the one we know and love today: Pabst Blue Ribbon because that’s what everyone called it for years before, anyway. During Prohibition Pabst moved to the cheese market, selling cheese under the name Pabst-ett. Once Prohibition finally ended, Pabst sold their cheese business to Kraft and went back into the brewing business once again. In 1950 the hand-tied silk ribbons finally went the way of the buffalo but can still be seen in the Blue Ribbon logo. It’s understandable that Pabst couldn’t keep up with the ribbon tying, since this year alone they produced 3.4 million barrels of beer. PBR Today

12 • July 2014 By: Brian Meyer

6-row malted barley along with select cereal grains. Pabst uses both American and European hops to provide a beer with a clean, crisp finish and an excellent noble hop aroma. PBR is golden-straw in golor and has a balance of hop and malt character that keeps it from being too bitter while featuring the delicate noble hop aroma.

The PBR Art Program Pabst Blue Ribbon is starting something new for their 16oz Pounder can in 2014, and it’s all about you, as long as you’re a decent artist. Art and PBR aren’t new bedfellows but this year they are focusing on a new project, titled the PBRART can. Instead of the traditional PBR artwork on these perfectly sized cans, artists can submit their work to be included on the can in and around the original PBR logo. Artists from around the country are encouraged to submit their own works to be considered for placement on the historical can. There will be art events all around the country where artists can get blank 160z art “can-vases” to use in their design work. The first PBRART can features artist Josh Holland and can be found wherever PBR Pounder cans are sold. Pabst Blue Ribbon can be found throughout Pittsburgh and is proudly distributed by Galli Wholesale.

COMING IN JULY

Kentucky Bourbon Barrel Ale

*Distributed by Galli Wholesale

July 2014 • 13 Roy Pitz by Brian Meyer

Some say that Roy Pitz was the first person hop crisis that affected many breweries. to open a brewery at the top of Mt. Everest The hop harvest of 2008 was very weak, while there are others that say he perfected causing many brewers without contracts the only way to brew beer with solely the and even a few with, to be forced into using In 2013 Ryan and power of thought. While these are (might) significantly less hops than they would like. be just rumors, who is Roy Pitz? This meant that for a new brewery like Roy Jesse opened their Well, sadly there is no person named Roy Pitz that some interesting measures had Pitz and there’s still no brewery at the top to be taken. Instead of going for heavy- bar and restaurant of Mt. Everest, but lucky for you there is a handed hop beers like their Daddy Fat brewery named Roy Pitz and the beer they Sacks they currently offer, they chose to do in Chambersburg to make is pretty amazing. Roy Pitz Brewing beers that required less hops but still had Co. was founded in 2008 by longtime an amazing flavor. welcome the public friends Ryan Richards and Jesse Rotz who Today Roy Pitz Brewing can be found in became known as the team “Roy and Pitz” and around the Pittsburgh area in both into the brewery and after some local Chambersburg lore. The bottles and draft. The current system at name stuck and today Roy Pitz Brewing in the brewery is now a 20-barrel brewhouse, Chambersburg, PA makes quality craft beer much larger than what they thought they’d serve them more than ranging from Daddy Fat Sacks, an American ever have back in their homebrewing days. IPA to Lovitz Watermelon Lager, one of In 2013 Ryan and Jesse opened their small samples. With their first beers. bar and restaurant in Chambersburg to Both Richards and Rotz started their welcome the public into the brewery and the opening of the bar brewing careers as homebrewers and both serve them more than small samples. With attended the Siebel Institute, the nation’s the opening of the bar and restaurant Roy and restaurant Roy Pitz premiere school for brewing arts, and both Pitz became a full-service brewpub, so to brew for the brewery they started still speak. became a full-service today. The first beers ever sold by Roy Pitz Brewing were the White Horse Hefeweizen The Beer brewpub, so to speak. and their Lovitz Watermelon Lager, which Roy Pitz currently has three beers available were surprisingly different choices for a in the Pittsburgh area in both bottles and new craft brewery. drafts. The three available beers give fans This decision was less a want to buck the of hops, malt, and even watermelon a Roy current system of IPAs, Stouts, and Pale Pitz beer to call their own. Ales and more centralized on the recent

14 • July 2014 Best Blond Ale Roy Pitz’s Best Blond Ale is a Kölsch that’s true to its roots. Brewed with all German ingredients, this beer has a generous helping of pale malt paired with crystal malt that gives it an almost wheaty aroma and taste. The aroma features noble hops with some faint toasted bread in the background. The first thing you’ll notice after tasting the beer is all malt. The beer is malt-forward without being cloying or sweet and finishes with a slight hop flavor that is earthy and almost grassy, in a very good way.

Best Blond Ale is low enough in alcohol to be considered a session beer, meaning you can drink a few of these in a session and still live to tell the tale. Kölsch beers originated in Cologne, Germany and this beer sticks to this original style very well.

Food Pairing: Best Blond Ale pairs best with foods that are lighter in taste, including salads of any kind, fresh, lightly seasoned fish, and shellfish like oysters and shrimp.

Daddy Fat Sacks American IPA Daddy Fat Sacks is an American IPA that’s full of flavor. The beer starts off with the aroma of sweet caramel and fruity hop resin, and moves into a somewhat sweet taste that includes resiny citrus flavor from the hops and a bitterness that comes up at the very end.

Roy Pitz wanted this beer to be a balanced, malt-forward IPA that wasn’t too bitter and had little lingering bitterness. They achieved this and more with Daddy Fat Sacks, making it a far more balanced American IPA than many others within the same style.

Food Pairing: IPAs tend to pair best with foods that have enough taste to stand up to the strong flavor of an IPA. This means salty and fried foods do very well with IPAs, but if you want the best experience, go with an Indian Curry. A beer like this one that offers a more balanced taste will go perfectly with a fiery-hot curry and will make you come back for more.

Lovitz Watermelon Lager Roy Pitz’s watermelon lager is fruity, somewhat sweet, German fruit-aged beer that has just enough fruity kick to keep you coming back for more. Made with local watermelons, Lovitz Watermelon Lager is the perfect beer for summer.

One of the first two beers Roy Pitz ever made, and designed around the Hop Crisis, this beer has the taste and aroma that will remind you of a picnic or your family BBQ. Get this one while you can though, as it’s only available for a short time and only on draft.

Roy Pitz Brewing is proudly distributed in and around the Pittsburgh area by Vecenie Distributing Co.Pittsburgh area by Vecenie Distributing Co.

July 2014 • 15 Wine and Spirits: Hornitos Lime Shot Tequila

Hornitos® Lime Shot has elevated the salt + tequila + lime ritual by combining the premium Hornitos® Plata 100% blue agave tequila with the flavor of refreshing lime and a hint of salt into a single shot — reinforcing that Hornitos® is Not Just Any Tequila. Lime Shot is currently available nationwide with a suggested retail price of $19.99 for a 750ml bottle. For more information on Hornitos® Tequila, please visit www.HornitosTequila.com.

16 • July 2014 July 2014 • 17 GrillGrates…… The Ultimate Grilling Mate

Gas grill vs. charcoal grill? Doesn’t matter. Great grilling doubles to clean grooves of debris). has nothing to do with the heat source and everything Nightwire had the opportunity to test the GrillGrates to do with the grate — where the meat meets the heat and I have to say…wow!! These amazing grates are and the actual cooking takes place. I’d like to introduce everything you will ever need to grill everything perfect, you to GrillGrate, interlocking panels that work on any every time, with sear marks just like the professionals. grill to form a new grill surface. No more flare ups, which for me have ruined so many of Quite simply, GrillGrates cooks food better: meats my grilled entrees, no more burned charred food. What are juicier, more evenly cooked and perfectly seared. It you will have is perfectly seared, moist, flavorful meats works on steak, chicken, pork, fish, vegetables ... even and vegetables. With the GrillGrate you will grill like a pizza. Professional chefs, grillers and competition BBQ professional every time, all the time – it is seriously the teams have embraced GrillGrate and its advanced Ultimate Grilling Mate!! 100% approved and endorsed science for amazing cooking results. by Nightwire and GrillGrates are proudly made in the

USA. GrillGrates are available at hardware, house-ware Why is the GrillGrate better? and outdoor retailers as well as at grillgrate.com. For • It amplifies any heat source. more information, or to order today visit www.grillgrate. It blocks flare-ups, so food doesn’t get burned or • com. It will be the best investment you have ever made! charred. • It evens out temperature along the grill, eliminating hot spots (and cold spots). • It retains juices in the grooves for more moisture and flavor. • Its design leads to more searing and less overcooking. • GrillGrates works with every grill: rectangular or round.

The standard 13.75” GrillGrates lays on top of your existing grates; and it comes in four additional sizes for larger grills: 17.375”, 18.5” 20” and 24”. For round grills, there are three sizes for Kamado style grills (15”, 18” and 24”) and four sizes for kettle style grills (13”, 18.5”, 22.5” and 26.75”). GrillGrates are made of super strong hard anodized aluminum and will provide years of grate grilling. GrillGrate sets start at $39.99 (for a set of two standard rectangular grates). Each GrillGrate set includes the GrateTool (part fork, part spatula, it allows you to lift food off the grill, not scrape it. And it

18 • July 2014 Great Recipes from GrillGrates

Grilled Breakfast Pizza: -MamaMary’s Gourmet Pizza Crusts- Original style crust with the lip around the edge. -3 Hardboiled Eggs loosely chopped -3 Red potatoes pre-cooked loosely chopped -6 Strips of Bacon crispy and crumbled -6 oz cooked and crumbled spicy sausage -1 Packet of ‘White Country Sausage Flavor Gravy -1 cup of shredded cheddar cheese -Pile ingredients on top of MamaMary’s Gourmet Pizza Crusts -Grill on low/medium heat for 20 minutes.

London Broil: -Choose a thicker cut – a minimum of 2 inches or 4 inches, which will take about 30-45 minutes -Catalina dressing -Cracked pepper -Marinade the steak in a mixture of catalina dressing and black pepper for 6-24 hours, overnight if possible -Set grill to medium heat and allow for a longer cook, especially for thicker cuts. This will keep the sugary marinade from burning too quickly. -Turn every 5-7 minutes to get all surfaces seared, including the sides if it is a thick cut of meat. -Grill to an internal temperature of 120-130F and allow to rest 5 minutes -Slice across the grain at an angle.

for the past 3530 years If we won’t eat it, we won’t serve it!

We Cook For You Like You’re Our Family! Let us prepare a homemade meal for YOU today

July 2014 • 19 America’s Burger Nation

1. Alabama: George Washington Carver (peanut butter potato salad and Sechler’s pickles) topped with bacon) 15. Iowa: Corn & Blue (sprinkle fresh corn kernels, maytag 2. Alaska: Surf & Turf (topped with crabmeat, a squeeze blue cheese and pickle relish on your burger) of lemon and a dollop of cocktail sauce) 16. Kansas: Yellow Brick Road (slather a whole-wheat bun 3. Arizona: Chipotle (chopped chipotles in adobo sauce, with yellow mustard and add lots of melted yellow red onion and queso fresco) brick cheese) 4. Arkansas: Arkansas Sin (mix together softened cream 17. Kentucky: Hot Brown (Layer on crispy bacon, thick cheese, shredded cheddar, chopped onions, diced ham slices of tomato and grated Pecorino) and jalapenos) 18. Louisiana: Hot Burger (slap on some mayo mixed with 5. California: Caesar (romaine lettuce, Caesar dressing creole seasoning and a bit of tabasco) and parmesan cheese on a sourdough roll) 19. Maine: Lobster Roll (top your burger with chunks of 6. Colorado: Denver Omelet (cover with fried egg and lobster mixed with mayo, celery seed, and salt and sautéed green pepper and onions) pepper. Don’t forget to butter and grill your bun!) 7. Connecticut: New Haven-Style Pizza (spoon on tomato 20. Maryland: By the Bay (a dash of old bay seasoning sauce with chopped garlic, dried oregano and grated and a splash of vinegar based hot sauce mixed into Romano cheese) coleslaw) 8. Delaware: Holiday Burger (a turkey burger, topped with 21. Massachusetts: Baked Beans & Onion (Ladle hot baked mayo, stuffing and cranberry sauce) beans and caramelized onions between toasted slices 9. Florida: Cuba Libre (stir lime juice, a pinch of zest, a of Boston brown bread) dash of Coca-Cola and a little rum into your bbq sauce. 22. Michigan: Cherry Cheddar (topped with Pinconning Then douse your burger) cheddar and a spoonful of tart cherry jam) 10. Georgia: Peach & Vidalia (dressed with mayo, fresh 23. Minnesota: Juicy Lucy (stuff American cheese between sliced peaches and sautéed Vidalia onions) two thin patties before grilling) 11. Hawaii: Plate Lunch (spread a scoop or two of macaroni 24. 24. Mississippi: Slugburger (replace bread crumbs salad on your burger) with potato flakes, then deep-fry the patty—this burger 12. Idaho: Yo Potato (kettle-style potato chips and onion cost a nickel, or “slug”, in the 1900’s) dip sandwiched between a potato roll) 25. 25. Missouri: Toasted Ravioli (serve with plenty of 13. Illinois: Italian Beef (load on the giardiniera and serve the toasted ravioli famous in the Hill area of St. Louis, on an Italian roll) finished with plenty of marinara) 14. Indiana: Breadbasket (two slices of wonder bread, 26. Montana: Double Burger (stack two patties between

20 • July 2014 three cheeses) a steamed bun) 27. Nebraska: The Reuben (Swiss cheese, thousand island 40. South Carolina: Fried Green Tomato & Pimento (cover with dressing and sauerkraut. Rye bread for bonus points) fried green tomatoes and pimento cheese, layered on a 28. Nevada: Vegas Martini Burger (mix a touch of vodka into big biscuit) mayonnaise, then spread on buns with a dotting of green 41. South Dakota: Fry Bread (load up all the toppings you olives) want, just serve it open-faced on fry bread, the state’s 29. New Hampshire: Poutine (topped with French fries, cheese official bread) curds and brown gravy) 42. Tennessee: Jack D (mound burger with pulled pork and a 30. New Jersey: Italian Sub (sprinkle with lettuce, tomato, little Jack Daniels whiskey, with just a little cayenne pepper) onions, oil and vinegar, and oregano. Lay it all on 43. Texas: Big Brisket (Pile on the brisket and go big with Texas quartered, foot-long rolls) toast) 31. New Mexico: Green Chile (topped with smoky cheese and 44. Utah: Crown Burger (add pastrami, cheese, tomato, lettuce chopped green chiles) and thousand island dressing) 32. New York: Deli (horseradish cream sauce, pastrami and 45. Vermont: The Vermonter (thinly sliced Granny Smith mustard) apples and Vermont cheddar cheese) 33. North Carolina: Carolina BBQ (douse with a vinegar-based 46. Virginia: Virginia Ham (stack on salty, smoky ham slices BBQ sauce, slaw and pickles) and a smear of honey mustard BBQ sauce) 34. North Dakota: Flying Style Pizza Burger (smother with 47. Washington: Toppings & Tots (spoon a mix of mayo, mozzarella, pizza sauce and Italian seasoning, all on mustard, relish and salad dressing on your burger. Include toasted white bread) a side of tater tots) 35. Ohio: Chili (spoon on Cincinnati chili and cheddar cheese) 48. West Virginia: Chow-Chow (dollop burger with your 36. Oklahoma: Onion (load sautéed onions and American favorite jarred chow-chow, the crunchy vegetable relish) cheese, all on an onion bun) 49. Wisconsin: Pretzel & PBR (slather a pretzel bun with 37. Oregon: Jam & Cheddar (first a spoonful of marionberry butter and top your burger Widmer’s cheddar and onions jam, blanketed in Tillamook cheddar) sautéed in Pabst Blue Ribbon) 38. : Primanti’s Style (thick-sliced Italian bread, 50. Wyoming: Bison (swap in bison burger and top with hash with fries, oil-and-vinegar coleslaw and tomatoes) browns, sour cream, cheddar cheese and thinly sliced 39. Rhode Island: Hot Wiener (sprinkle with celery salt, yellow green onions) mustard, chopped onions, and hot wiener, best served on

July 2014 • 21 Live At The Improv

Pauly Shore: network gave him his own show, TOTALLY Born into a life of comedy, is PAULY. seared into the public consciousness for his His initial success on television led to a attention- grabbing comedic talents, and three movie deal with Disney, beginning his meteoric rise to notoriety in the 1990’s with the box-office hit ENCINO MAN, co- with starring roles in popular film comedies, starring Sean Astin and Brendan Fraser. acting-up as MTV “VJ” and show host, Pauly followedup ENCINO MAN with the and performing his stand-up at national popular comedies SON-IN-LAW, IN THE comedy clubs, including legendary venue ARMY NOW, JURY DUTY and BIO-DOME. The Comedy Store – where Pauly continues In 2003, Pauly produced, wrote, to work and perform. An entertainment directed and starred in the critically career was virtually pre ordained for Pauly acclaimed, PAULY SHORE IS DEAD, a semi Montgomery Shore. At age 4, he sat on the autobiographical mockumentary in which lap of The King himself in the company of he satirizes the perils of Hollywood. In the his father, comedian Sammy Shore, who film, Pauly loses everything and decides to clever insights to create a stand-up show opened for Elvis during the early ’70s. fake his death in a quest for post- mortem that more resembles an hour-long comedic Around the same time, Pauly’s mother, adulation. He called in a lot of favors to get jazz riff. He is an off-the-wall, animated Mitzi, and father opened The Comedy Store the project made and managed to wrangle character that points out the absurdity in an on Hollywood’s Sunset Strip, giving their star cameos from the likes of , illogical, pop-culture obsessed world. son the rare opportunity to hang out and Whoopi Goldberg, Ellen DeGeneres, Dr. His unmatched take on all things pop be inspired by such rising talents as Robin Dre, Clint Howard, Perry Farrell, , culture has taken him into the ranks of Williams, David Letterman and the late Sam Verne Troyer, , Mark McGrath, the most popular touring comedians Kinison, who became Pauly’s mentor. Jerry Springer, Montel Williams, Sally Jessy worldwide. Pablo’s enormous popularity At 17, Pauly began writing and performing Raphael, Kurt Loder and , to and outrageously funny material has his own material, creating the persona name a few. hooked millions of viewers on YouTube and of “The Weizel,” a character that quickly Next, Pauly returned to TV in the TBS Facebook. appealed to young audiences. In 1990, reality series, MINDING THE STORE, which Pablo’s latest ONE HOUR special, They Pauly caught the attention of MTV and the he produced as well as starred in. This was Put It Out There, will be released this fall, followed by a notable recurring part, as followed by a worldwide tour. In the spring himself, on the hit HBO series, ENTOURAGE. of 2009, Pablo completed a European In 2008, Pauly once again stepped into tour where he sold almost 20,000 tickets producer, director and in 9 cities across Scandinavia (the Fall star roles with the sketch comedy movie 2007 Tour sold 30,000 tickets in 30 days). NATURAL BORN KOMICS, for which Pauly Concurrently, Pablo is packing colleges and received the 2008 Entertainer of the Year major concert venues across the country. Award from the Entertainment Merchants Francisco recently contributed self- Association. produced content to digital campaigns for Pauly continues to produce and direct, Nokia, Absolut and Rhapsody. with his latest feature the critically- It is not uncommon to sense the acclaimed Adopted, which was released anticipation of Pablo’s audience as his in 2010. In the film, Pauly satirizes the fans await their favorite impressions, BEST PIEROGIES IN THE BURG! phenomenon of celebrity adoptions as he while being surprised by his unpredictable travels to Africa to adopt an African baby. transformations. Those who experience Largest Variety in Pittsburgh - Pauly’s latest project, the 90-minute Over 30+ Pablo’s show for the first time find comedy variety special, VEGAS IS MY themselves captivated by his hilarious OYSTER which Pauly wrote, produced dead on impressions. Gene Lavanchy of and directed – airs this fall on Showtime, FOX – TV Boston calls Pablo “the most NEW Friday and includes talent such as Andy Dick, talented comedian in the business today”. Charlene Yi, Bobby Lee, Amber Lancaster, His unbelievable ability to physically morph and Playboy model and adult film star Bree himself into movie stars, singers, friends, Lunch Specials Olson. family, and a multitude of nationalities Pauly also continues to tour the world give Pablo’s show a universal appeal. His Hours: with his stand-up comedy, and has several drop-dead funny spoofing often leaves his Fridays: 11A-5P short subject films and multiple projects audiences struggling to catch their breath in the works, such as his MTV pilot called Saturdays: 11A-3P which is the driving force behind his huge “The Shores” and various projects with Will success. His rendition of the intensely Farrell’s website FUNNY or DIE . melodramatic Spanish language soap operas on Telemundo and his narration WE PUT 14 IN A DOZEN! Pablo Francisco: of the action-movie preview with Arnold When Pablo Francisco hits the stage, Schwarzenegger as a tortilla vendor bring 412.973.0068 he immediately brings his audiences to screams of laughter coast to coast. This their feet with boisterous laughter and gifted performer continues to thrive on 350 Butler Street - Etna, PA 15223 applause. He weaves together his arsenal www.copoutpierogies.com his creativity and the spontaneity of stand of characters, spontaneous outbursts, and up comedy selling out concert venues,

22 • July 2014 universities and comedy clubs alike. Pablo continually pushes the envelope, constantly refining new material and frighteningly accurate Join Nightwire Magazine at BZ Bar and Grill embodiments. 140 Federal Street (Next to PNC Park) Pablo’s first critically acclaimed ONE HOUR special on Comedy Central entitled “OUCH!” continues to stay on the network’s most requested list. DVDTALK calls “OUCH!” “Truly original and funny”. His much anticipated follow-up Comedy Central Special is due out in 2011. Every Sunday...It’s Flippin In addition to his Comedy Central specials, Pablo has appeared on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”, Comedy Central’s “The Show Biz Show w/ SIN Night - 9pm to Close David Spade” and “Mind of Mencia”. He has also been a cast member on the Fox Network’s sketch comedy show “Mad TV,” TBS’s “Frank TV,” and made his debut appearance on Howard Stern’s radio show in 2009.

Rickey Smiley: Funnyman Rickey Smiley is known for making millions laugh. As a much loved comedian, television host, and top rated nationally syndicated radio personality, Smiley has earned a reputation for delivering audience pleasing performances onstage or off. With the distinct ability to take everyda observations and skillfully create comedic gold, Smiley is a standout in the entertainment world. Rickey Smiley is one of the few “clean” comics that is amongst the upper echelon of contemporary great comedians. The multi-talented comedian, is however, much, much more. His audiences are treated to such original characters as “Bernice Jenkins” (AKA Granny Swims, It’s Flippin SIN Night Every Sunday Ms. Johnson or Mrs. Francis), “Lil’ Daryl,” “Rusty Dale” and “Beauford.” Bernice Jenkins has a Grandson named Rufus, who’s a stereotype Any cocktail, glass of wine or beer is just .25 modern day “Gangsta”. In addition, his show often includes a band if you flip the manager for it and win. You which he accompanies, playing several instruments and singing. In 2007, Rickey Smiley became the host of the “Rickey Smiley Morning lose you pay full price...9pm to close. Show”, one of the funniest, and most compelling morning shows in the country. Smiley has taken the world by storm with his unique blend of Compliments of Nightwire Magazine comedy and irreverent commentary. Every morning, Smiley brings to life his many beloved characters and bits, such as, his famous prank phone calls, “Paternity Test Tuesday”, “Wake Up Wednesday” (political talk), “Gary’s Tea”, “News You Can’t Use”, or “The Joke of the Day”. The “Rickey 2311 Babcock Blvd. Smiley Morning Show” is a blend of laughter, serious discussion of social (North Hills) issues, political awareness, and community outreach. Pittsburgh, PA Smiley is the only comedian who has had the honor of hosting BET’s 15237 “Comic View” for two seasons. He has made numerous television and 412.415.1411 movie appearances over the years and has produced six comedy cd’s (see credits below). He also has released several humorous songs based on his bits, such as “Roll Tide” featuring his redneck character Beauford, Keep Your Car Looking and “We Miss Robert” based on a routine in which a friend of a deceased drug dealer performs a rap song at the funeral. Like New! Call today! Rickey Smiley will release his latest cd “Prank Calls: Volume VI” soon and will be featured in theupcoming sequel to “Stomp The Yard 2: Homecoming” this fall. A proud member of Omega Psi Phi Fraternity, Incorporated, Smiley spends most of his free time in his hometown of Birmingham, Alabama with his children.

Chris DElia: Chris D’Elia is quickly becoming one of the most sought after young comedians and actors in the comedy world. Recently named one of Variety’s “Top 10 Comics to Watch,” D’Elia can next be seen starring as Danny on NBC’s new comedy Undateable. He previously starred opposite Whitney Cummings on NBC’s multi-camera comedy Whitney. D’Elia quickly became a regular at the Hollywood Comedy Clubs where he performs multiple times a week. Best known for his physical humor, • Hand Washing • Polishing and Paint Restoration he is now crisscrossing the country performing his stand-up act and • Pick-up/Delivery • Boat and RV Polishing Available will release a one hour stand-up special for Comedy Central in the fall. • Interior Detailing • 100% Customer Satisfaction He has also appeared on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, as well as on Comedy Central Presents. • Detail Packages • Gift Certificates Available D’Elia’s other credits include Comedy Central’s Workaholics, TBS’ Glory Daze and Showtime’s Live Nude Comedy. www.PittsburghAutoDetailing.com

July 2014 • 23 2014’s Best and Worst Summer Road Trips by: WalletHub

With more Americans hitting the road and gas prices approaching $4 per gallon this summer, the personal finance social media network WalletHub decided to follow up on with a look at 2014’s Best & Worst States for Summer Road Trips. Using 21 key metrics, WalletHub compared each of the 50 states to determine which state offers the most enjoyment and the least damage to one’s wallet. In our study, we considered various conditions that can affect travelers on the road, including driving costs, lodging prices, traffic safety, weather and, of course, fun attractions for everyone. By doing so, road-trip vacationers can budget accordingly and experience quality destinations without breaking the bank. Below is a brief overview of our findings.

2014’s Best States for Summer Road Trips 2014’s Worst States for Summer Road Trips 1 Oregon 41 New Jersey 2 Idaho 42 Hawaii 3 Minnesota 43 North Dakota 4 Utah 44 Connecticut 5 Washington 45 Alabama 6 Nevada 46 Alaska 7 New York 47 Arkansas 8 California 48 West Virginia 9 Ohio 49 Oklahoma 10 Colorad 50 Mississippi 20 Pennsylania

Key Stats California has 22 times more scenic byways than Connecticut. The price of camping in Connecticut is double the price in Arizona. In Alabama, the price of a three-star hotel room is three times cheaper than in Hawaii. Massachusetts has three times fewer fatalities per 100 million vehicle miles traveled than West Virginia and South Carolina. Vermont has 6 times less car thefts per capita than California. Mississippi has 15 times less nightlife options per capita than in Nevada. To see where your state ranks, please visit: http://wallethub.com/edu/best-worst-states-for-summer-road-trips/4648/

Life is Colorful. Shouldn’t Yours Be As Well?

graphic design, marketing, multimedia, web and print [email protected] // 412.889.3495

24 • July 2014 MAXON TOWERS “Luxury Living in the Heart of Squirrel Hill”

6315 Forbes Ave, Pittsburgh, PA 15217 (412) 521-7900 • [email protected] www.maxontowers.com

July 2014 • 25 Humor Two Woman Riding Bikes Doggy Style Two women are riding bikes to a friend’s house when it My wife asked if I would give it to her “doggy style.” So I took a dump on starts to get dark. “I’ve never come this way before,” says one the floor and chewed up her shoes. of the women. “Me neither,” says the other woman. “I think it’s the cobblestones.” A Blonde and the Dry Cleaner A blonde goes to the dry cleaner to have her sweater cleaned. She asks Abe Lincoln the clerk, “How much?” He doesn’t hear her and says, “Come again?” She A man wearing a stove-pipe hat, a fake beard, and a giggles and says, “No...it’s just mustard this time.” waistcoat orders a drink at a bar. “Goin’ to a party?” the bartender asks. “Yeah,” the man replies. “I’m supposed to iPhones and iPads go dressed as my love life.” “So why are you dressed as Abe Q: What did the two iPhones say to the two iPads? Lincoln?” “My last four scores were seven years ago.” A: “Want to get kinky and have a 4G?”

Nurse at the Bank Unethical Lawyers A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Q: Why is it unethical for lawyers to have sex with their She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, clients? and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, “Well, that’s essentially the same service. great...some asshole’s got my pen.”

Lie-Detecting Robot Difference Between The Hobbit and Twitter? A man buys a lie-detecting robot that slaps people who fib Q: What’s the different between The Hobbit and Twitter? and tests it out at dinner. He asks his son, “Did you go to A: You only get 140 characters on Twitter. school today?” The son replies, “Yes,” and the robot slaps him. The sons says, “All right, I went to the movies.” The father asks, “What did you see?” and the son replies, “Toy Young Boys and Tampax Story 3.” The robot slaps him again, and the son says, “OK, Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax OK! It was Anal Gang Bang 3.” His father snorts and says, and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the “When I was your age we didn’t know what porn was.” This older boy, “Son, how old are you?” “Eight,” the boy replies. The man time the robot slaps the father. The mother sputters in her continues, “Do you know what these are used for? “Not exactly,” the boy coffee and retorts, “Ha! He’s your son, after all,” and the says. “But they aren’t for me. They’re my brother – he’s four. We saw on robot slaps her. TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can’t do either one.”

Two Ministers Two ministers are discussing their lives in the church, and one of them says, “I never slept with my wife until after we were married. How about you?” the second preacher thinks for a second, scratches his head, and says, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”

Pickup Conversation in a Bar I was talking to a girl in the bar last night, and she said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave, and got your haircut, you’d look alright.” I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

Two Guys Driving Home Two guys are driving to work when one asks the other if he talks to his wife after sex. “Yes,” replies the second guy. “If I can find a phone.”

Woman in a Hurry A woman in a supermarket rushes to the express line with a few items. The clerk has his back turned to her, so she says, “Excuse me, I’m in a hurry. Could you please check me out?” The clerk turns, looks her up and down, and says, “Nice boobs.”

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are sitting around talking about their kids. The brunette says, “I found cigarettes in my daughter’s room, and I didn’t know she smoked.” The redhead replies, “I found liquor in my daughter’s room, and I didn’t know she drank.” The blonde chuckles and says, “That’s nothing. I found condoms in my daughter’s room, and I didn’t know she had a penis!”

26 • July 2014 Couple Shopping at the Mall where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a A couple is shopping in the mall for hours. The wife turns to talk sentence.” The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and to her husband and realizes he’s nowhere in sight. Angry, she then replied: “So, where y’all from, witch?” calls his cell phone and asks where he disappeared to. “Honey,” he says, “remember that jewelry store we walked by a few years Did You Ever Smell Mothballs? ago, and you loved the gold locket in the window but we couldn’t “Have you ever smelled mothballs?” a little kid asks his dad. “Of afford it, so I told you I would buy it for you one day?” Choked up, course,” replies the dad. The kid thinks about this for a moment the wife replies, “Yes, how could I ¬forget?” Her husband goes on, and asks, “Well, how did you get their little legs apart?” “Well, I’m at the bar next door to it if you need me.” Job Center Male Patient A Man Goes into the Job Center in downtown Denver and sees A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen an ad for a gynecologist’s assistant. Interested, he asks the clerk mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears for details. The clerk says, “The job entails getting the ladies to give him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse”, he mumbled from ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of behind the mask, “are my testicles black?” Embarrassed, the their underwear, lay them down, and rub soothing oils into their young nurse replies, “I don’t know, sir. I’m only here to wash your private parts so they’re ready for their examination. The annual upper body and feet.” He struggles to ask again, “nurse, are my salary is $65,000, and you’ll have to go to Billings, Montana.” testicles black?” Concerned, she overcomes her embarrassment “Good grief,” exclaims the man. “Is that where the job is?” and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds “No sir,” says the clerk. “That’s where the end of the line is right his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. She looks now.” very closely and says, “don’t worry, sir. They look fine.” The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, Hillbilly Bar “thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very A Guy Walks Into a Hillbilly Bar and orders a white wine. The closely: are my test results back?” bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?” The guy Girl from Texas and Girl from New York on says, “No, I’m from Canada. I’m a taxidermist.” The barkeep asks, Airplane “what in tarnation is a taxidermist? You drive a taxi?” “No. I mount A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by animals,” the guy explains. The bartender grins and yells to his side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, patrons, “It’s OK, boys – he’s one of us!” said: “So, where y’all from?” The New York girl said, “From a place

Crafton-Ingram Shopping Center “Your Family Shopping Center Since 1958”

West Steuben Street • Crafton-Ingram Shopping Center • Crafton, PA 15205

July 2014 • 27 Humor

An Old Guy Cure for Sore Throat An Old Guy Goes to Confession and says, “Father, I’m 82, and Sue tells her friend, Carol that she has a sore throat. Carol I just slept with two women.” The priest says,” Say three Hail replies “When I have a sore throat, I always give my husband Marys and all will be forgiven.” “I don’t know the Hail Mary,” a bj.” “The day after, it’s all better. You should try it.” A day the old man says. “I’m not Catholic.” “Then why are you telling later Sue asked Carol is she followed her advice. me?” asks the priest. “Telling you?” the guy says. “I’m telling “I sure did!” grinned Carol. “And your husband couldn’t everyone!” believe it was your idea!”

Man Pulls Into Gas Station in His Porsche Blind Cowboy Tells a Blonde Joke A Man Pulls Into a Gas Station in his Porsche, and a kid An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar on a tricycle starts riding around him. “Wanna race?” asks by mistake. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the the kid. “No thanks,” laughs the guy and drives off. When bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’ The bar he gets on the highway, the kid suddenly zooms past him. immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky “Wow!” the guy says and floors it. He catches up and the kid voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, disappears behind him. A minute later the kid flies past again. Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that Astonished, the guy pulls over, only to see the kid come you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde zooming backward, then forward again, until finally he comes girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. to a stop next to the car. The man opens the door to find the I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt kid on his tricycle, wheels smoking. The kid pants, “Thanks for in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a stopping mister. My suspenders got caught in your door.” professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Las Vegas Bound Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?” A wife comes home from a business trip to Las Vegas and The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and tells her husband she’s moving there immediately. When the mutters, ‘No...not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.” distraught husband asks why, she says, “Because I can make $300 a day there doing what I give you for free.” The husband Difference Between a Dog and a Fox runs upstairs, packs his suitcase, goes downstairs, and waits Q: What’s the difference between and dog and a fox? by the front door. When the wife asks him where he’s going, A: Four beers. he replies, “I’m going to Vegas with you. I want to see how you live on $600 a year.” Doctor’s Orders A lady tells her husband, “My gynecologist said I can’t have sex for two weeks.”He replies, “What did your dentist say?”

Cowboy and the Bull A cowboy tells another, “that bull nearly killed me, partner, charged at me like a locomotive!” “How’d you get away?” asks the other cowboy. “He slipped, and I jumped the fence.”“Man, I would’ve crapped all over the place.” “I did! What do you think that bull slipped in?”

Sex With Twins My friend told me he had sex with his girlfriend and her twin. I asked him how he could tell them apart. He said her brother had a moustache.

Woman and Hogging the Mirror “My boyfriend complains I hog the mirror,” one blonde says to another.“I know what you mean,” her friend says. “Mine broke his back ‘cause I was hogging the mirror.” “He had an accident in the bathroom?” “No, on the freeway.”

What’s a Zebra? Q: What is a zebra? A: 25 sizes larger than an ‘A’ bra. Pittsburgh’s Premiere Contemporary Art Gallery Money for Charity My girlfriend was very impressed when I told her how much money I gave to Charity every month. She was less impressed (412) 421-8888 | 5871 Forbes Ave when she discovered that Charity dances at the local strip Pittsburgh, PA 15217 club!

28 • July 2014 Full Metal Granny That’s Love A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a Texas highway. Married man Don is talking to his single pal Ryan about He asks for her driver’s license and registration. When she settling down, confiding, “It’s nice to come home to someone opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. who’s happy to see you.” “That’s what my dog is for,” Ryan He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession replies. “Not the same thing.” Don scoffs. “Oh ,yeah?” says at this time?”She responds that she has a .38 Special in her Ryan. “Just lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the car and see who’s still happy to see you when you let them center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.“Jesus, lady,” says out an hour later.” the cop. “What are you so afraid of?” The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not a freakin thing.” A Priest and a Rabbi A priest and a rabbi are on a train. The priest says, “I know Small Head that in your religion you’re not supposed to ear pork, but A boy is sitting on a park bench when he sees a man with a have you really never tried it?” The rabbi responds, “Honestly, strangely tiny head walking his way. The boy asks, “Sir, why I have on occasion. And I know that in your religion you’re do you have such a little head?”The man answers with a story, supposed to be celibate. But...” “I know what you’re going “One day when I was younger, I was fishing at the end of the to ask,” the priest says, “and, yes, I have succumbed to the dock and I got a huge bite. To my surprise, when I pulled in temptation once or twice.” After a minute of silence, the rabbi my catch it was a beautiful mermaid, and she told me she peaks his head around his paper and says, “Better than pork, would give me anything I asked for it I let her go free...” isn’t it?”

Two Girls Drinking at a Bar Amish Joke Two girls are drinking at a bar. One says, “If I have another Q: What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, bang, clip-clop, clip-clop? drink, I’m going to feel it.” The friend replies, “If I have A: An Amish drive-by. another, I don’t care who feels it.” Q: What do girls and rocks have in common? Alimony A: Everyone skips the flat ones. “Mr. Clark, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce- court judge says, “and I’ve decided to award your wife $775 a How Do You Know You’re Getting Old? week.” “That’s very fair, Your Honor” the husband says. “And Q: How do you know you’re getting old? every now and then, I’ll try to send a few bucks myself.” A: Your wife gives up sex for Lent and you don’t find out until Easter.

July 2014 • 29 Humor

North American Beer Festival Difference Between Beer Nuts What is a Specimen? After the North American Beer Festival, and Deer Nuts? Q: What is a specimen? all the brewery presidents decided to Q: What’s the difference between beer A: An Italian astronaut. go out for a beer. The guy from Corona nuts and deer nuts? sits down and says, “Hey Señor, I would A: Beer nuts will cost you at least one like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The Three Nuns dollar, while deer nuts are always under Three nuns were talking. The first nun bartender dusts off a bottle from the a buck. shelf and gives it to him. The guy from said, “The other day, I was cleaning Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in Father McInty’s room and I found the world, give me ‘The King of Beers,’ Retiring Flasher pornographic magazines under his bed!” a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him Q. Did you hear about the flasher who The second nun said, “I can top that. one. The guy from Coors says, “I’d like was thinking of retiring? Yesterday I was cleaning Father McInty’s the only beer made with Rocky Mountain A. He decided to stick it out for one more room and I found some condoms!” spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets year. The other nuns asked, “What did you it. The guy from Molson sits down and do with them?”The second nun said, says, “Give me a Coke.”The bartender Girlfriendless Musician “I poked holes in them.” The third nun is a little taken aback, but gives him Q: What do you call a musician without a fainted. what he ordered. The other brewery girlfriend? presidents look over at him and ask, A: Homeless. Major Decision “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?” One day Mr. Smith, the president of a The Molson president replies, “Well, I Blonde and a Jigsaw Puzzle corporation, called his vice-president, figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, Q: Why did the blonde get excited after Dave, into his office and said, “We’re neither would I.” finishing the jigsaw puzzle in six months? making some cutbacks, so either Jack or A: Because the box said, “4 to 6 years.” Barbara will have to be laid off.” Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is Womanadoes my best worker, but Jack has a wife and How are women and tornadoes alike? Egg and Boiling Water three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.” They both moan when they come, and Q: What did the egg say to the pot of The next morning Dave waited for his take the house when they leave. boiling water? employees to arrive. Barbara was the A: It may take me a while to get hard—I first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, just got laid last night.” I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay South Side’s New Late Night Tradition you or Jack off and I don’t know what to Senior Moment do?” Barbara replied, “You’d better jack An old man goes to a Social Security off. I’ve got a headache.” office to apply for benefits but forgets his ID. The social worker says, “Just Close Call unbutton your shirt.” The old man One man calls emergency: complies, and the social worker says, “Come immediately, my little son has “The gray chest hairs are all the I swallowed a condom!”After five minutes, need,” and gives him his check. the same man calls back: “Don’t worry, I The man tells his wife, who responds, “If found another one.” you’d dropped your pants, you’d have Starting tonight and every gotten disability, too!” Friday and Saturday night! Magic Sex Small Things, Big Packages A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and asks, Gabriella’s is open late night “You wanna play ‘magic’?” She responds, A girls puts an ad online requesting “What’s that?” He says, “Well we go back Midnight until 3:30am a man who won’t hit her or leave her to my place and screw, and then you and is a great lover. A few days later disappear!” Breakfast, Huge Sandwiches and More! her doorbell rings and she finds a man Easy In/Out, Lots of on-street parking with no arms and no legs. He says to her, “I have no arms, so I can’t hit you, Blown Bulb Come Check Us Out and I have no legs, so I can’t run.”She A wife comes home and turns on the responds, “But the last part...”He grins lights. They flicker. “Honey,” she asks, 301 E. Carson St. • Pgh PA 15203 “can you fix this light switch?” The (412) 481-GABS (4227) and says, “How do you think I rang the We doorbell?” husband replies, “What do I look like, an Deliver! electrician?” The husband then goes to the bar, and when he returns home the Banker and Cheese Pizza lights are working fine. “Who fixed it?” he Q. What’s the difference between a asks his wife. The wife replies, “I asked banker and a cheese pizza? the neighbor, and he said he’d do it for A. A cheese pizza can feed a family of either sex or a baked cake.” The husband four. asks, “Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?” The wife calmly answers, “Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?”

30 • July 2014 Man Walks Into a Bar A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going?” Kitchen Open Till 1am She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, “I’ll screw Every Night With Full Menu anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter.”He says, “No kidding! What law firm are you with?”

A Farmer and His Rooster A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster—one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!” So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: “Henry,” he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse. Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn’t stop there. Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, “Stop, Henry!! You’ll kill yourself!!” But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy.” “Shhhhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard’s getting closer.”

It’s Fallen and I Can’t Get It Up! “Doctor,” the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.” “Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.” The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. “Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,” the doctor says. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on.” The doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he said. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”

Rising Unemployment Rate What’s the Worst Thing About the Rising Unemployment Rate? Q: What’s the worst thing about the rising unemployment rate? A: It’s harder to screw your girlfriend when her husband’s always home. Stone Brewing A Carrot Crosses the Road Beer Dinner A carrot crosses the road and is hit by a car. He is rushed to the hospital, where he goes through hours of surgery. After surgery Thursday, July 17th @ 7:30 the doctor comes into the carrot’s room and says “Well, I’ve got 4 courses and 4 beers for $40 good news and bad news.” The carrot says, “Give me the good news first, doc.” The doctor says, “The good news is you’re gonna live.”“And the bad news?” asks the carrot. “The bad news is your gonna be a vegetable for the rest of your life.“ BZ Bar and Grill 140 Federal Street (next to PNC Park) Little Balls and Old Ladies Q: What has a bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? 412-323-BZBG(2924) • bzbarandgrill.com A: A bingo machine. Opened Daily Monday Through Sunday 11am-2am

July 2014 • 31 Humor Wealthy Lawyer $8 Bill One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. bill. He decided to try it out anyway. He went to the teller at the He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. local bank and asked for change. The teller looked at the $8 bill “Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.“We don’t have and gave the crook two $4 bills as change. any money for food,” the poor man replied.“Oh, well, you can come with me to my house,” instructed the lawyer.“But, sir, I Little Johnny... Mortgage have a wife and two kids with me!”“Bring them along!” said the Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday. lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, “You come with Johnny’s father says, “We have an $80,000 mortgage on the us, too.”“But, Sir, I have a wife and six kids!” he answered.“Bring house, and I just got laid off! There won’t be a $200 bike this them as well!” answered the lawyer, as he headed for his limo. year.” Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he’s leaving. a car as large as the limousine.Once underway, one of the poor Johnny says, “Early this morning, I was walking past your room, fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and with you.”The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll love my place. Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, The grass is almost a foot tall!” and I’ll be damned if I’ll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!”

Baking Chocolate Chip Cookies Afterlife for IRS Cheaters Q: How can you tell that a blonde’s been baking chocolate chip Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. cookies? God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, A: There’s M&M shells all over the floor. the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years. A few days later, as Tony’s walking A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. “John, London. “Excuse me, but if you were going to order the steak, I’m what happened?” Tony asks. “I have no idea,” John replies. “I was afraid there’s a shortage due to the mad cow disease,” says the told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only waiter. The Texan says, “What’s a shortage?” The Russian says, thing I don’t understand is why she always yells ‘Damn income “What’s a steak?” The New Yorker says, “What’s ‘excuse me’?” taxes!’ whenever we have sex.”$1 Million in Heaven Joe asked God, “How much is a penny worth in Heaven?” God replied, “$1 million.” Joe asked, “How long is a minute in Heaven?” God said, “1 million years.” Joe asked for a penny. God said, “Sure, in a minute.”

32 • July 2014 Newspaper Clippings Paying the Price • Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- William and Mildred decided to celebrate their 40th wedding $100. anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. William went to the front • Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days. desk to check them in while Mildred stayed with the car. As he • Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog. was leaving the lobby, a young woman dressed in a very short • Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale. skirt introduced herself as Candie. William brushed her off. • Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor’s dog When William and Mildred got to their room, he told her that • Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine he’d been approached by a prostitute. “I don’t believe you,” smell. laughed Mildred. “I’ll prove it,” said William. He called down to • Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217. “Now,” he Better be reward. said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough • Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained. to hear us.” Soon, there was a knock on the door. Candie walked • Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog. in, swirling her hips provocatively. “So, I see you’re interested • Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit after all,” she said. William asked, “How much do you charge?” sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour. “$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.” William was taken aback. “$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25.” Florida Orange Growers Candie laughed. “You must really be an old-timer if you think you Q: Why did Florida orange growers offer O.J. Simpson $3 million? can buy sex for that price.” “Well,” said William, “I guess we can’t A: To change his name to Apple Juice. do business. Goodbye.” After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. “I just can’t believe it.” William said, “Let’s go have a Little Johnny... Nickels and Dimes drink and forget it. “ Back downstairs at the bar, the old couple Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood sipped their cocktails. Candie came up behind William, pointed at boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his Mildred, and said, “See what you get for $25?” choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don’t you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even Why men should never take messages… though the nickel’s bigger?” Johnny grins and says, “Well, if I took Someone from the Gyna Colleges called: They said the Pabst the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I’ve made $20!” Beer is normal. I didn’t even know you liked beer!!

Summer SPECIALS Is Your Vehicle Ready??

*$24.95 Lube, Oil, Filter and Tire Rotation

*Most cars Synthetic Oil Extra Call to schedule: 412-367-8324 Bring this coupon to Hi-Tech Auto: 5516 Babcock Blvd., PA 15237 Valid thru 6/30/14

$59.95 Front End Alignment Call to schedule: 412-367-8324 Bring this coupon to Hi-Tech Auto: 5516 Babcock Blvd., PA 15237 Valid thru 6/30/14

July 2014 • 33 Humor by Nightwire

some of life is just as well forgotten. And, • If your grandchildren are brats Amazing Friends I eventually remember the important without manners, you blame I would never trade my amazing friends, things. Sure, over the years my heart has television. my wonderful life, my loving family for been broken. How can your heart not • If your friend is shot by a deranged less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I’ve break when you lose a loved one, or when madman, you blame the gun aged, I’ve become kinder to myself, and a child suffers, Or even when somebody’s manufacturer. less critical of myself.. I’ve become my beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken • And if a crazed person breaks into own friend. I don’t chide myself for eating hearts are what give us strength and the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at that extra cookie, or for not making. My understanding and compassion. A heart 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko never broken is pristine and sterile and him instead, the mother of the crazed that I didn’t need, but looks so avant will never know the joy of being imperfect. deceased blames the airline. garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, I am so blessed to have lived long enough • I must have lived too long to to be messy, to be extravagant. I have to have my hair turning gray, and to have understand the world as it is seen too many dear friends leave this my youthful laughs be forever etched into anymore. So, if I die while my old world too soon; before they understood deep grooves on my face. So many have wrinkled butt is parked in front of this the great freedom that comes with aging.. never laughed, and so many have died computer, I want all of you to sue Bill Whose business is it if I choose to read before their hair could turn silver. As you Gates. or play on the computer until 4 AM and get older, it is easier to be positive. You sleep until noon? I will dance with myself care less about what other people think. Little boy at the nude to those wonderful tunes of the 60 & I don’t question myself anymore. I’ve beach...... 70’s, and if I, at the same time, wish to even earned the right to be wrong. So, to A mother and father take their 6-year old weep over a lost love .. I will. I will walk answer your question, I like being old. It son to a nude beach. As the boy walks the beach in a swim suit that is stretched has set me free. I like the person I have along the sand, he notices that many of over a bulging body, and will dive into become. I am not going to live forever, the women have boobs bigger than his the waves with abandon if I choose to, but while I am still here, I will not waste mother’s, so he goes back to ask her why. despite the pitying glances from the jet time lamenting what could have been, or She tells her son, “The bigger they are, the set. They, too, will get old. I know I am worrying about what will be. And I shall sillier the lady is.” The boy, pleased with sometimes forgetful. But there again, eat dessert every single day (if I feel like the answer, goes to play in the ocean but it). returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad All In How You Word It.. does. She replies, “The bigger they are, Two prostitutes were riding around town the dumber the man is”. Again satisfied with a sign on top of their car which said: with her answer, the boy goes back to the Two Prostitutes - $50.00. A policeman, ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy seeing the sign, stopped them and told returns and promptly tells his mother, them they’d either have to remove “Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, the beach, and the longer he talks, the another car passed with a sign saying: dumber he gets. ‘JESUS SAVES.’ One of the girls asked the officer, ‘How come you don’t stop them?!’ Older Women Are So 35¢ ‘Well, that’s a little different,’ the officer Reasonable WINGS smiled, ‘Their sign pertains to religion.’ After being married for 44 years, I took a The following day the same police officer careful look at my wife one day and said mon-thurs noticed the same two hookers driving “44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a around with a large sign on their car. He cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched figured he had an easy arrest until he read a 10” black and white TV. But, I got to sleep U-CALL ITS their new sign: Two Fallen Angels Seeking every night with a hot 25 year old girl.” $ Peter -- $50 Now, I have a $750,000.00 home, a $65,000 10P-MID car, a nice king size bed to sleep in and a 2 Totally Wacked Out - How the 55 HTV TV. But, I’m sleeping with a 65 year FRIDAY + SATURDAY world works lately... old woman. It seems to me that you are • If a man cuts his finger off while not holding up your side of things. My wife $2.00-20 OZ MILER LITE slicing salami at work, He blames the is a very reasonable woman… she told me.. $2.00 - 20oz Drafts restaurant. go out and find a hot 25 year old and she FORAll Day ALL - PENS Everyday GAMES • If you smoke three packs a day for would make sure that I would once again 40 years and die of lung cancer, your be living in a cheap apartment, driving a 2328 E. CARSON family blames the tobacco company. cheap car and sleeping on a sleeper sofa • If your neighbor crashes into a tree watching a 10” black and white TV. Aren’t SOUTH SIDE while driving home drunk, he blames older woman great? They really know how 412.481.0852 the bartender. to solve your mid-life crisis.

34 • July 2014 APARTMENT FOR RENT A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment ‘RENT FOR APARTMENT.’ On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price.. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note: ‘Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: #1 - it had never been occupied; #2 - there was plenty of heat; and #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that: #1 - it had been previously occupied, #2 - there wasn’t any heat, and #3 - it was entirely too large.’ Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir: #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady. VASECTOMY! A Kentucky couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband ‘fixed’. The doctor gladly started the required procedure and SuperMonkey Recordng Co. & Pat DiCesare asked them what finally made them make the decision, why after nine children, would they choose to do this. The husband present replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was The PennRock Scholarship Mexican, and they didn’t want to take a chance on having a Sponsored by: Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish. Graveside Ceremony As a young piper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in 2014 Venues: the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest 1. Aug. 9th @ The Rex - Pittsburgh, PA there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became 2. Aug. 15th @ Thunderbird - Pittsburgh, PA lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were 3. Aug. 23rd @ The Smiling Moose - Pittsburgh, PA eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized 4. Aug. 30th - Finals @ Altar Bar - Pittsburgh, PA to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of 10% of all ticket sales go to: the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I Guitars4Vets www.guitars4vets.org assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still This is an opportunity for an artist or band to get eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul. As I played some help taking their musical career to the next level. the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I’d never If you think you have a hit song, we want to hear it and played before: From My Home & The Lord Is My Shepherd to want to award you the 1st annual Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session of Amazing Grace and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and PennRock Scholarship taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to Visit www.pennrockscholarship.com another, ‘Lard Tundrin’ Jayzuz b’y, I ain’t never seen nor heard for a complete list of prizes and rules. nothin’ like that befar’ and I’s been putting in septic tanks fer Bands must submit entry by 7/15 twenty years.’ July 2014 • 35 Humorby Nightwire God’s thoughts on lawns ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it GOD says to St. Francis, You know all about gardens and nature. away. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will happened to the dandelions, violets, thistles and stuff I started grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those away? plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir. with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are the growth and saves them a lot of work. these green rectangles. St. FRANCIS: It’s the tribes that settled ST. FRANCIS: You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more ‘weeds’ and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get with grass. rid of it. GOD: Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in want all that grass growing there? the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life. grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn. ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy. into great piles and pay to have them hauled away. ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots they cut it - sometimes twice a week. in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose? GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay to feed the ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and animals? buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put spread it around in place of the leaves. it in bags. GOD: And where do they get this mulch? GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it? ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch. GOD: Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Scooby is one of our seniors that is looking Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you for a good home to retire in. He is around 7-8 scheduled for us tonight? years old and just wants a calm place to live ST. CATHERINE: ‘Dumb and Dumber’, Lord. It’s a story about.... out his life. He is probably best in a home with GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. no small children or cats but Scooby seems Francis. to be fi ne around most other dogs. Scooby is up to date on his vaccines, neutered, and One Flaw In Women Scooby microchipped. Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they Meet Houdini. He is a young boy at 3 years Houdini want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when old and likes to play and watch over the cat they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They department (he thinks he’s in charge!) He has stand up to injustice. They don’t take “no” for an answer when a great personality and doesn’t mind the other they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their cats although he will defi nitely be the boss! He is neutered, micro-chipped, and is current family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. on all his immunizations. Please come and see They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel him for yourself! and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet WAHS is a No-Kill Shelter, they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They Funded by Private Contributors know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They’ll drive, fly, walk, run 724.222.PETS (7387) or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart washingtonpashelter.org of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have the compassion and ideas. They Hours are from 12pm-5pm every day, including weekends. give moral support to their family and friends. Women have Shelter Address: Mailing Address: vital things to say and everything to give. However, if there is 1527 Route 136 PO Box 66 one flaw in women, it is that they forget their worth. So, dear Eighty Four, PA 15330 Eighty Four, PA 15330 women, whenever you are down… remember your worth!

36 • July 2014 HOW TO STAY YOUNG YOU CAN’T OUTDO A TEXAN!!! 1. Try everything twice. On Madams tombstone (of Whelan’s They have little to brag about but that doesn’t stop them for and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried bragging! A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls everything twice...loved it both times! up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, “Hey, you got (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches) a telephone in that Rolls?” The guy in the Rolls says, “Yes, of 3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, course I do..” “I got one too... see?” the Texan says. “Uh, huh, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. ‘An yes, that’s very nice.” “You got a fax machine?” asks the Texan. idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is “Why, actually, yes, I do.” “I do too! See? It’s right here!” brags the Alzheimer’s! Texan. The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the 4. Enjoy the simple things. Volkswagen says, “So, do you have a double bed in back there?” 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. The guy in the Rolls replies, “NO! Do you?” “Yep, got my double And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots bed right in back here,” the Texan replies. The light turns and the and lots of time with HIM/HER. man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not 6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. you are alive. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car 7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it’s family, and drives all over town looking for picks up his car and drives pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas home is your refuge. plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets 9. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is. the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the 10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every window a crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, “Hey, opportunity. I love you, my special friend. remember me?” “Yeah, yeah, I remember you,” replies the Texan, 11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a “What’s up?” “Check this out..I got a double bed installed in my second time. Lost time can never be found. Be kinder than Rolls.” The Texan exclaims, “you got me out of the shower to tell necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of me that??” battle.

Wexford 10441 Perry Highway, Wexford 15090 724-935-4151 Monte Cello’s (Across from Baierl Chevrolet & Next to Shults Ford) We’re More Than Just Pizza! Serving Pittsburgh with Six Locations! MC www.montecellos.com

We Deliver ALL Menu Items! Daily Specials New Lunch Menu

Bar Specials: Mondays 4pm-Close $4 Any Four Cut Pizza Daily Drink Specials

July 2014 • 37 Humorby Nightwire A TRIP TO SAM’S CLUB to have a heart attack he was laughing Great Joke.. Yesterday I was at my local Sam’s so hard. Sam’s won’t let me shop there It has long been contended that there are Warehouse buying a large bag of anymore. Better watch what you ask male jokes and there are female jokes, Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, retired people. They have all the time and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout in the world to think of crazy things to I consider a true female joke. I offer it to line when a woman behind me asked if say. you in the hopes that women will love I had a dog. What did she think I had, an it and men will share it with a woman elephant? So since I’m retired and have Murder at Wal-Mart who will love it.! A woman was sitting little to do, on impulse I told her that So, here’s the story: Tired of constantly at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the being broke and stuck in an unhappy with her girlfriends when Steven a tall, Purina Diet again. I added that I probably marriage, a young husband decided to exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, shouldn’t, because I ended up in the solve both problems by taking out a large middle-aged man entered. He was so hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 insurance policy on his wife with himself striking that the woman could not take pounds before I awakened in an intensive as the beneficiary, and then arranging her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man care with tubes coming out of most of to have her killed. A ‘friend of a friend’ noticed her overly attentive stare and my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told put him in touch with a nefarious dark- walked directly toward her. (As all men her that it was essentially a perfect diet side underworld figure who went by the will.) Before she could offer her apologies and that the way that it works is to load name of ‘Artie’... Artie then explained for staring so rudely, he leaned over your pants pockets with Purina nuggets to the husband that his going price for and whispered to her, ‘I’ll do anything, and simply eat one or two every time snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The absolutely anything, that you want me to you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally husband said he was willing to pay that do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...... complete so it works well and I was going amount, but that he wouldn’t have any On one condition. Flabbergasted, the to try it again. (I have to mention here cash on hand until he could collect his woman asked what the condition was. The that practically everyone in line was now wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted man replied, ‘You have to tell me what you enthralled with my story.) Horrified, on being paid at least something up want me to do in just three words.’ The she asked if I ended up in intensive care front, so the man opened his wallet, woman considered his proposition for a because the dog food poisoned me. I displaying the single dollar bill that rested moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and from her purse, which she pressed into an Irish Setter’s and a car hit us both. I reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar the man’s hand along with her address. thought the guy behind her was going as down payment for the dirty deed. A She looked deeply into his eyes, and few days later, Artie followed the man’s slowly and meaningfully said.... ‘Clean my wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. house.’ (YOU GO, GIRL!) There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle Mother of the Bride her with his gloved hands and as the poor Jennifer’s wedding day was fast unsuspecting woman drew her last breath approaching. Nothing could dampen her and slumped to the floor. The manager excitement -- not even her parent’s nasty of the produce department stumbled divorce. Her mother had found the unexpectedly onto the murder scene.. PERFECT dress to wear and would be the Unwilling to leave any living witnesses best dressed mother- of-the-bride ever! behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to A week later, Jennifer was horrified to strangle the produce manager as well. learn that her father’s new young wife However, unknown to Artie, the entire had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer proceedings were captured by the hidden asked her to exchange it, but she refused. security cameras and observed by the ‘Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in store’s security guard, who immediately this dress and I’m wearing it,’ she replied. called the police. Artie was caught and Jennifer told her mother who graciously arrested before he could even leave the said, ‘Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get store. Under intense questioning at the another dress. After all, it’s your special police station, Artie revealed the whole day.’ A few days later, they went shopping sordid plan, including his unusual financial and did find another gorgeous dress. When arrangements with the hapless husband they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her who was also quickly arrested. The mother, ‘Aren’t you going to return the next day in the newspaper, the headline other dress? You really don’t have another declared ... ( You’re going to hate me occasion where you could wear it. Her Newman Chiropractic for this ... ) ( Really hate me ... ) “ ARTIE mother just smiled and replied, ‘Of course Dr. Steven Klump CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART! “ Oh, I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal 6301 Forbes Avenue Suite 104 quit groaning! I didn’t write this stuff... dinner the night before the wedding.’ Now, Pittsburgh, PA 15217 I ask you? Is there a woman out there anywhere, who wouldn’t enjoy this story??? 412.697.1271 Never underestimate a woman!!

38 • July 2014 The $100 Bill Little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank- you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those a-holes took 3361 Babcock Blvd., Pittsburgh (North Hills), PA 15237 $95.00 in taxes. 412.369.TANN (8266) Blonde Cooks for Tom Keep That Gorgeous Summer Tan It’s fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice Tanning Specials: enough to loan me some extra bowls. Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t Buy 2 Tans dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for Get 1 FREE supper. A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath Plus *20% off anyway. I can’t say it improved the rice any. Today Tom asked all products for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me *with Tan Package Purchase why I was rolling around in the garden. I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There Come Tan with Us! must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got New Bulbs...Stand Up and Beds back, everything was the same as when I left. Tom did the Hours: Mon-Wed 10A-7P • Thu-Fri 10A-8P • Sat 10A-6P • Sun 12N-5P shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don’t have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten. Tom’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Advertising in Nightwire brings Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, your ads to life. Learn how to much to my disappointment.. stand out with print advertising in GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY Nightwire. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can Contact Dan at 412-491-1361 talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose. Blonde Swimmer A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, ‘But we don’t know anything about each other.’ He said, ‘That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.’ She consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, ‘That was incredible!’ He said, ‘I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.’ So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy -five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, ‘That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?’ ‘No,’ she said, ‘I was a hooker in Pittsburgh and I worked both sides of the river. July 2014 • 39 Humor by Nightwire

40 • July 2014 Five Minute Management says to the manager. The manager says, Course I want those two back in the office after lunch. Moral of the story: Always let your Lesson 1 - A man is getting into the boss have the first say. shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The Lesson 4 -An eagle was sitting on a tree wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit runs downstairs. When she opens the saw the eagle and asked him, Can I also door, there stands Bob, the next-door sit like you and do nothing? The eagle neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob answered: Sure, why not. So, the rabbit says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’ sat on the ground below the eagle and After thinking for a moment, the woman rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, drops her towel and stands naked in jumped on the rabbit and ate it. front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob Moral of the story: To be sitting and hands her $800 and leaves. The woman doing nothing, you must be sitting very, wraps back up in the towel and goes back very high up. upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ It was Lesson 5 -A turkey was chatting with a Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies. bull. ‘I would love to be able to get to the ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I anything about the haven’t got the energy.’ ‘Well, why don’t $800 he owes me?’ Moral of the story: If you nibble on some of my droppings?’ you share critical information pertaining replied the bull. They’re packed with to credit and risk with your shareholders nutrients.’ The turkey pecked at a lump in time, you may be in a position to of dung, and found it actually gave him prevent avoidable exposure. enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after Lesson 2 - A priest offered a Nun a lift. eating some more dung, he reached She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the second branch. Finally after a fourth her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly night, the turkey was proudly perched had an accident. After controlling the at the top of the tree. He was promptly car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. spotted by a farmer, who shot him out The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull Shit 129?’ The priest removed his hand. But, might get you to the top, but it won’t changing gears, he let his hand slide up keep you there.. her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest Lesson 6 –A little bird was flying south apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is for the winter. It was so cold the bird weak.’ Arriving at the convent, the nun froze and fell to the ground into a large sighed heavily and went on her way. On field. While he was lying there, a cow his arrival at the church, the priest rushed came by and dropped some dung on to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth him. As the frozen bird lay there in the and seek, further up, you will find glory.’ pile of cow dung, he began to realize Moral of the story: - If you are not well how warm he was. The dung was informed in your job, you might miss a actually thawing him out! He lay there great opportunity. all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the Lesson 3 – A sales rep, an administration bird singing and came to investigate. clerk, and the manager are walking to Following the sound, the cat discovered lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. the bird under the pile of cow dung, They rub it and a Genie comes out. The and promptly dug him out and ate him. Genie says, I’ll give each of you just one Morals of the story: wish. Me first! Me first! says the admin (1) Not everyone who craps on you is clerk. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving your enemy. a speedboat, without a care in the world. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of Puff! She’s gone. Me next! Me next! says crap is your friend. the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii , (3) And when you are in deep crap, it is relaxing on the beach with my personal best to keep your mouth shut! masseuse, an endless supply of Pina THIS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE Coladas and the love of my life. MANAGEMENT COURSE Puff! He’s gone. OK, you’re up, the Genie July 2014 • 41 42 • July 2014 Classifieds Classifieds

Wanted Wanted Female Companion FemaleFemale2009 CompanionCompanion Dodge Caravan Age30-40 – Washington County 2009 Dodge Caravan AgeAge30-40 30-40 –- WashingtonHandicap Van County South Hills Area Handicap Van SouthOnly Hills 42,000 Area Miles Preferred Petite Build South Hills Area Only 42,000 Miles PreferredExcellent Petite Build Condition Waist Length Hair a Must Preferred Petite Build Excellent Condition Waist LengthMounting Hair a DockMust for Wheel Chair And or Corn Rows a Plus Waist Length Hair A Must Mounting Dock for Wheel Chair And or Cornin Front Rows a Plus Permanent Position Permanent Position in Front PermanentWheel Position Chair also Available 724-223-0939 or Pager 888-549-6763 724.223.0939 or Page 888.201.0315 Wheel Chair also Available 724-223-0939 orSerious Pager 888-549-6763Inquiries888.201.0315 Only! Serious Inquiries Only Serious Inquires Only Serious Inquiries Only! Serious Phone:Inquiries 412-821-3439 Only (6pm-9pm) All Calls Will Be Returned! Phone: 412-821-3439 (6pm-9pm) AllAll Calls Calls Will Will Be Be Returned!! Returned!

R&R PLUMBING Your Plumbing Problems Stop HERE! Free Estimates • Reasonable Rates • Fully Insured Fast, Prompt, Professional Service CALL 412-780-7873 Raymond Raget, Master Plumber • HP# 3737 • PA Lic. #082943 Are You Ready AArere YYouou RReadyeady Do you want to make more money? for Winter? Do you have your finger on the pulse fforor WWinter?inter? of Pittsburgh? Are you an existing sales rep wanting to make more money? $28 $28 $28 Get Your Remote Nightwire is looking for Print GGeteNightwire/SXt YYourou rPublications RRemoteemote Advertising Sales Reps. 520 Car Starter While 303A Bellevue Road CCaraPittsburgh,r SStarterta PArt 15229er WWhilehile the Prices are HOT! Contact Joyce at [email protected] the [email protected] are HOT! the Prices are HOT! with [email protected] and cover letter

2315 Babcock Blvd. • Pittsburgh, PA 15237 • $28.00 (Next to Camp Bow Wow) • www.AudioOnePittsburgh.com 22315315 BBabcockabcock BBlvd.lvd. • PPittsburgh,ittsburgh, PPAA 1152375237 $28.00 (Next to Camp Bow Wow) • www.AudioOnePittsburgh.com (Next to Camp Bow Wow) • www.AudioOnePittsburgh.com $28.00

40 • October 2012 40 • October 2012 July 2014 • 43 44 • July 2014 www.gamesnat.comwww.gamesnat.com • find • find us onus facebookon facebook

www.gamesnat.com No Children Under 13 After 9PM!

BOOK YOUR PARTY NOW! GRADUATION, COMMUNION, REHEARSAL DINNER, ANY CELEBRATION, ANY AGE, ANY EVENT.... WE HAVE PACKAGES TO FIT ANY BUDGET! GREAT FOOD.... LARGE PARTY ROOMS

We Offer Military Discounts!! Show Us Your ID!! Play All Night for ONLY $10.00

8

July 2014 • RATED BEST OF 27 VODKAS IN WORLD COMPETITION “DANGEROUSLY SMOOTH®”

NOW AVAILABLE!

DOUBLE GOLD MEDAL WINNER

• July 2014

2014-07-July-White Diamond Vodka Full Pg.indd 1 6/28/14 9:46 AM