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2 THURSDAY. DECEMBER 9, 2004 NEWS Beware of Peg-Leg Pirates ~ OMER GOMER much less one that happens on shoots. out, f~ying anything in its his flesh path, 111clud111g oak trees, small E XCREMENT W RITER . ·1d · T.k. 1 k If the pirate does this, he will chi ren, puppies, 1 ·1 c oc ·s, In the ramblings and run-on probably be off-balance, unle s and hedgehogs, unless they are sentences I'm writing today I plan he has managed to fuse some sort named Sonic, because then the) to warn everyone about the Yery of tail or other balancing device would be able to outrun any kind real threat of pirates. Why you to hi~ body in his secret pirate of laser beam while grabbing ask? Because if I don't, who will? lair. However, since most pirates assorted gold rings for no appar Pirates come in all shapes are poor, they would not be able ent purpose. and sizes. Some are short and fat, to .ifford to do thi , which is an !f ever trapped in this situ while others are tall and skinny. advanrage to anyone caught in the ation, hold a mirror up to the However, all are dangerous. midst of person-to-pirate com- pirate. Pirates are very vain .ind Pirates don't care who you bat. When thev are getting ready stupid creatures. They will be fas are or where you're from. In fact, to launch their peg leg of death cinated by their own appearance, _... illustration by Paya Sharna they're probably just wondering at your face, one must simply but unfortunately will not realize Eyepatches and parrots are dead gJve-aways when identifjing pi7' how the hell they managed to push the pirates over. He will fall immediately that they are look cross paths with you. This con over, and much like a turtle, will ing at themselves. This will bring these birds are pure evil. The only they lose depth perception . fusion doesn't last long though. remain stuck on nis back until them great frustration and anger, words they know are vulgar, and are unable to aim accurately. Once the pirate has looked you he is helped up, which should which they will vent by shoot their constant swearing often The ea iest wav to de over and sized you up, he will be neYer, because no one in their ing their super-charged ion laser times makes small children and these horrible winged ment begin with one of many attacks. right mind would help a pirate, at the mirror, which will reflect Dick Cheney cry. is by feeding them Alka et He may have a peg-leg that he not even another pirate. back at them, causing their heads The pirates will send a volley in their bird-feeders. This can detach and throw at you much Pirates also have eye patche . to explode and termites to escape of swearing, pooping parrots to cause their stomachs to explc like a iaYelin. ot only would This is not because they have lost the skull cavity. attack you, screaming with their and the birds to drop from this hurt if you were impaled, an eye in some horrible mango The last attack pirates may use foul tongues, and desecrating your sky like feathered care-packl but there is also the concern of accident or a vicious pirate fight. are their parrots. All pirates have a freshh'-washed Mercedes. If this from the armv. splinters, and the possibility that They have the eye patch to cover parrot perched on their houlders; was not enough, these birds also So, now \'Ou know the d the leg could h<tve been infested up their super-secret terminator it is needed to pass the test and get have lasers in their eye that can gers of pirates, and how to de/ with termites, which could then eye laser! All a pirate has to do their official pirate license. These hoot powerful ion laser beams. vourself if neeces an. I hope spread to you. Think about it. o is flip up the e) e patch, aim, and birds are not like the friendly talk They are not as much of a threat all take this to hearr, and t one wants a termite infestation, fire. A super-charged ion beam at1ve birds you see in a pet store; though, becau e, like the pirates, constau t ..:aution. PINK Theater's New Black JACK E. WACKY we're looking at with a completely we would sa1·e!" black theater is massive . tudent Other events that SAPD has EXCREMENT VVRl1 ER depression. College has enough planned for their protest i a A newh formed ,tudent downers as 1t is: finals, being awav "Pizza for Happiness" drive, a organization, Students Ag,1inst from home, i'-.liller Dining Hall "D,rnce Against Black" ball, and Ps,·chological Disruption (SAPD), food. Student· need some happi a "~!SU 1 eeds othing ew has raised concerns over the con ness in their life, not a theater that where thev will be joining up struction of a black box theater looks like an endless black hole." with Architecb Against e\\ on the :-.tSL' campu>. The' daim Professor Lela Brown of the Constru..:tion (AA.NC). that the color blatk in a build ;'\led1a and Theater Arts depart i\lam· other students h.1ve ing on campu' will cause ma~. ment is trying to explain the spoken out against S:\PD's cause. ~ive depre,sion a..:ros' the student reasonmg behind the black box "These are just bored ..:ollege stu population. theater to S \PD and the student dents who want to find something SAPD organiLed a protest population. ''A black box theater bad in everything that happens. I Friday outside the SUB, where the mean. we have ultimate wrsatil guess it m.lkes them feel like ther're old theater is loc,1ted. Last rear itv in our theater space. The stage .ictuallv making a difference," the student population at l'.lSL' itself can be transformed into English major Annie Hud on said. voted on a referendum to tear anything \\·e need it to be. The P. ychology major, Daniel down the old theater, which was theater is painted black so that Cross agreed with Hudson. not up to fire code, and replace it when the stage lights are on, the "People can find 'wrong' things with a smaller black box theater rest of the theater can be as dark in everything if they look hard in the Vi 'Ual Communication as possible." enough. You know, the Telctubbie Building. A black box theater is a Architect Russell Reynolds are gay and Harry Potter is cre square room painted completely agree . "The student population ating an army of ten-year-old black with a stage in the middle has voted for this and it is the best witches and warlocks. But to say and various seating option . possible option for the 11 U the that a black room would cause SAPD President Sarah Bender ater department right now." massive depre ion? That's defi spoke to the crowd at Friday's SAPD will not be swayed, nitely stretching it." protest. "I ask you one thing," however, and hopes to take their SAPD plans to delay the Bender said, "would you paint plea to the national level if thev construction of the black box your house black? Your bedroom? have to. 'Tm sure the president theater, or at least raise atten Or kitchen? o! \\1w? Because will be open to our cause," SAPD uon to the problems that it could the color is depressing and satanic member Richard Green said, "and cause because, as Bender says, and we don't want it at !'.!SU!" some dav we hope to destrm .111 "Sometimes You 1ust ha\·e to take Bender 1s arguing for a 1\hite of the black box theaters in the a stand against something." or pink theater because she n,Hion. \Ve might even be able Cross added, "Her choice of belie, es tho~c color~ are " happier to get nd of the color bl,tck itself. \\·hat to stand up against, how and friendlier." She ,t,ttcd, "\\'h.it Th111k of all the mone) on Prozac e1·cr, 1s questionable." Visit Bozeman's Video Alternative, the only Independent Video Store in town. We have what the chain stores don't: - Independent & Arthouse Films - Classics & Foreign Films - Anime & Adult Films - Over 15,000 Titles and growing . • ~ E Lo:JRS Movie Lovers is not a chain store, we've been locally owned since 1984. Formerly TAPE KING in University Square, Next to Albertsons Open 10 to 10 Seven Days a Weet1 - Call us! 586-0560 NEWS THURSDAY, D ECEMB ER 9 , 2004 3 1 t• f) I.. I f ~ I~ ll I~ t• f) ll '1 S I DORM LIFE Nov. 2 9 - D EC. 5 •An RA reported residents pester • 17 minor girls were escorted EXCLUSIVE INVESTIGATIVE REPORT ing a lone beaver who had wan home from the men's basketball dered into Langford Hall. The game. allm,ing students to try such to the theaters t.o see the next OMER GOMER beaver was removed. • 14 people were cited for attempt choice delicacies as grilled :-tarv-Kate and Ashley film (A ·An officer responded to a report ing to procreate. teriyaki marinated raspberry sure sign of delusion). of errant children outside the •A female student was cited for Jell-0, BBQ longhorn salmon Things only improve from Strand Union Building.