2 THURSDAY. DECEMBER 9, 2004 NEWS Beware of Peg-Leg Pirates ~ OMER GOMER much less one that happens on shoots. out, f~ying anything in its his flesh path, 111clud111g oak trees, small E XCREMENT W RITER . . ·1d · T.k. 1 k If the pirate does this, he will chi ren, puppies, 1 ·1 c oc ·s, In the ramblings and run-on probably be off-balance, unle s and hedgehogs, unless they are sentences I'm writing today I plan he has managed to fuse some sort named Sonic, because then the) to warn everyone about the Yery of tail or other balancing device would be able to outrun any kind real threat of pirates. Why you to hi~ body in his secret pirate of laser beam while grabbing ask? Because if I don't, who will? lair. However, since most pirates assorted gold rings for no appar Pirates come in all shapes are poor, they would not be able ent purpose. and sizes. Some are short and fat, to .ifford to do thi , which is an !f ever trapped in this situ while others are tall and skinny. advanrage to anyone caught in the ation, hold a mirror up to the However, all are dangerous. midst of person-to-pirate com- pirate. Pirates are very vain .ind Pirates don't care who you bat. When thev are getting ready stupid creatures. They will be fas are or where you're from. In fact, to launch their peg leg of death cinated by their own appearance, _... illustration by Paya Sharna they're probably just wondering at your face, one must simply but unfortunately will not realize Eyepatches and parrots are dead gJve-aways when identifjing pi7' how the hell they managed to push the pirates over. He will fall immediately that they are look cross paths with you. This con over, and much like a turtle, will ing at themselves. This will bring these birds are pure evil. The only they lose depth perception . fusion doesn't last long though. remain stuck on nis back until them great frustration and anger, words they know are vulgar, and are unable to aim accurately. Once the pirate has looked you he is helped up, which should which they will vent by shoot their constant swearing often The ea iest wav to de over and sized you up, he will be neYer, because no one in their ing their super-charged ion laser times makes small children and these horrible winged ment begin with one of many attacks. right mind would help a pirate, at the mirror, which will reflect Dick Cheney cry. is by feeding them Alka et He may have a peg-leg that he not even another pirate. back at them, causing their heads The pirates will send a volley in their bird-feeders. This can detach and throw at you much Pirates also have eye patche . to explode and termites to escape of swearing, pooping parrots to cause their stomachs to explc like a iaYelin. ot only would This is not because they have lost the skull cavity. attack you, screaming with their and the birds to drop from this hurt if you were impaled, an eye in some horrible mango The last attack pirates may use foul tongues, and desecrating your sky like feathered care-packl but there is also the concern of accident or a vicious pirate fight. are their parrots. All pirates have a freshh'-washed Mercedes. If this from the armv. splinters, and the possibility that They have the eye patch to cover parrot perched on their houlders; was not enough, these birds also So, now \'Ou know the d the leg could h. The' daim Professor Lela Brown of the Constru..:tion (AA.NC). that the color blatk in a build ;'\led1a and Theater Arts depart i\lam· other students h.1ve ing on campu' will cause ma~. ment is trying to explain the spoken out against S:\PD's cause. ~ive depre,sion a..:ros' the student reasonmg behind the black box "These are just bored ..:ollege stu population. theater to S \PD and the student dents who want to find something SAPD organiLed a protest population. ''A black box theater bad in everything that happens. I Friday outside the SUB, where the mean. we have ultimate wrsatil guess it m.lkes them feel like ther're old theater is loc,1ted. Last rear itv in our theater space. The stage .ictuallv making a difference," the student population at l'.lSL' itself can be transformed into English major Annie Hud on said. voted on a referendum to tear anything \\·e need it to be. The P. ychology major, Daniel down the old theater, which was theater is painted black so that Cross agreed with Hudson. not up to fire code, and replace it when the stage lights are on, the "People can find 'wrong' things with a smaller black box theater rest of the theater can be as dark in everything if they look hard in the Vi 'Ual Communication as possible." enough. You know, the Telctubbie Building. A black box theater is a Architect Russell Reynolds are gay and Harry Potter is cre square room painted completely agree . "The student population ating an army of ten-year-old black with a stage in the middle has voted for this and it is the best witches and warlocks. But to say and various seating option . possible option for the 11 U the that a black room would cause SAPD President Sarah Bender ater department right now." massive depre ion? That's defi spoke to the crowd at Friday's SAPD will not be swayed, nitely stretching it." protest. "I ask you one thing," however, and hopes to take their SAPD plans to delay the Bender said, "would you paint plea to the national level if thev construction of the black box your house black? Your bedroom? have to. 'Tm sure the president theater, or at least raise atten Or kitchen? o! \\1w? Because will be open to our cause," SAPD uon to the problems that it could the color is depressing and satanic member Richard Green said, "and cause because, as Bender says, and we don't want it at !'.!SU!" some dav we hope to destrm .111 "Sometimes You 1ust ha\·e to take Bender 1s arguing for a 1\hite of the black box theaters in the a stand against something." or pink theater because she n,Hion. \Ve might even be able Cross added, "Her choice of belie, es tho~c color~ are " happier to get nd of the color bl,tck itself. \\·hat to stand up against, how and friendlier." She ,t,ttcd, "\\'h.it Th111k of all the mone) on Prozac e1·cr, 1s questionable."
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1 t• f) I.. I f ~ I~ ll I~ t• f) ll '1 S I DORM LIFE Nov. 2 9 - D EC. 5 •An RA reported residents pester • 17 minor girls were escorted EXCLUSIVE INVESTIGATIVE REPORT ing a lone beaver who had wan home from the men's basketball dered into Langford Hall. The game. allm,ing students to try such to the theaters t.o see the next OMER GOMER beaver was removed. • 14 people were cited for attempt choice delicacies as grilled :-tarv-Kate and Ashley film (A ·An officer responded to a report ing to procreate. teriyaki marinated raspberry sure sign of delusion). of errant children outside the •A female student was cited for Jell-0, BBQ longhorn salmon Things only improve from Strand Union Building. The wrcckless use of freedom jelly in ribs, and e1·en cauliflower there. The actual dorm room is offending children were termi Mullen Hall. of home life this vear shortcake. where a student will spend most nated. •Members of Chi Omicron 1 to hve on our O\' n, Next, we move on from the of his or her time. After going to •A male student was cited for were arrested for assult with Ice seemed the wa) to go. Universllv Food Service to the Target to spend oodles of cash "messin' with the ducks." Stilettos. Mas e'peciall} so if, also dorm res~rooms as often hap putting the student further into •A male student was charged with ·A disoriented Grizzly was cited 1Cllle \\·,1s not ,1 resident pens very quickly). In these debt, the living ,1rea is decorated. invasion of privacy after he pub for trespassing in the Strand an and as an incoming bathrooms students are given .\fter all, which dorm room is lished a video of his most recent Union Building and was escorted 1,as required to lt1·e in all of the basic bathroom essen complete with out the essential break-up. from the premesis. 1e residence halls stra tials: smks, toilet stalls, shower Tiki clock, with matching pil • Police ignored a report of people ·Two scantily-clad women were placed around campus. stalls, and the occasional fester lows, bean-bag chair, TV, com kicking puppies. removed from a street corner. mght to life a ne" set ing mold clinging to the caulk forter, coffeemaker, lamp, fan, ienct , some pleasant, mg between the shower tiles. fridge, computer, printer, picture my proved to be awk Students are ad1 ised to never go frames, and, not to be forgot ·omfortable, and some- into the shower stalls barefoot, ten, vanity chest with matching Bsmsu. as scienttsts are still discovermg nightstand? up to I 5 new species of ring However, once all of this is THOR BORE teria. Sure, it's sugar worm on shower floors each day. put into the room, the student ~ ith the promise of sev Note: wear a pair of cheap flip must find a way to get into the EXCREMENT WRITER •rent meal cycles, with flops. A half inch of foam offers room as well. After hopping and The ASMSU Senate met at an undisclosed location last week to dis mging from meatloaf more protection than one's skin scaling fhe numerous Target cuss a matter of utmost urgency recently brought to their attention by hing I believe they call against the flesh-eating bacte dorm room essentials, the stu an anonymous informant. -ry chicken." I'm not ria that inhabit the bathroom dent is able to get to work. Much to the surprise of the senators, the informant claimed that t those chickens did to floorboards. However, one issue that has general awareness concerning senate proceedings had reached an all hat gruesome fate and While visiting the lavatories proved to be problematic is the time low among MSU students. . 1> never find out. Think one will oftentimes see many act of turning around, getting "It seems;' said the informant, who referred to himself as Deep scandals multi- a-students' vain attempts to dressed, stretching, yawning, or Throat, "that students not only neglect to attend the weekly senate meet wash dishes in the miniature even blinking. The student must ings, but also deliberately skip the thoughtful and well-written senate ality, there are only 3 porcelain depressions stick actually back into the hallway to minutes that grace the pages of the Excrement Newspaper each week." 1 meals served in the ing out from the wall that are have enough space to do these Aghast, one senator responded, "Honestly, what could possibly ; on campus: chicken, passed off as sinks. This nor and any of the other actions a be more interesting and newsworthy than budget , resolutions, and a hybrid of the two. mally would not be such a huge college student must perform on a rchaic parlian1entary procedure?" lg different ratios of task to undertake unless said a day-to-day basis. Another senator agreed, adding, "Cleary, these students don't have olesome meaty goods, student is like myself, and waits Dorm life isn't completely their priorities straight. I hesitate to say it, but you might almost call g hall was able to come until he or she has run com bad. Studen ts can always count them apathetic." hings such as wok bars, pletely out of dishes and they on the random drunk to skate Most of the senate was visibly distressed by the comment; some , pastas, tavern bat pile up, before they begin to board into their door, random simply blushed, while others pounded their fists in indignation. ibut, and a wide variety migrate on their own toward noises heard through the paper In disbelief, the first senator angrilv retorted, "That's quite a stretch sea foods." dish soap, or the smell begins to thin walls, late-night pizza deliv of the imagination, since an unprecedented 51.6 percent of our nation·~ on days when the disperse throughout the floor. eries, and occasional threat of youth rocked the vote in this year's U.S. elections. I mean, seriouslv, that's staff grew bored, the} The smell may cause fainting, airborne leprosy, to ensure that over halP. Obviously, apathy isn't the cause here." ry combining meals, seizures, and mass-flooding dorm hfe is never dull. Exhaustive placard-raising, floor yielding, and callous arguments ensued for a good portion of the next hour, with no solution in sight. Save up to 58% with Concerned senators voiced opinions reflectmg their varied constitu ents, rangmg from "indifference" to "who giws a @1t>S%?" Several resolutions were proposed, each unique and aliw with Collegiate marvelous intricacies and dripping with beautiful, flowery metaphors vaguelv reminiscent of gleeful jaunts through glistening green mead Funding ows, as usual. But alas, each was plagued bv small, careless punctuation and spelling errors. Student L oan "It's hard to take your resolution l"ery seriously, senator, with those unprofessional errors and all,' commented a particularly 1 ocal senator. "Yeah, well. .. " replied the overtly offended senator, struggling to Consolidation come to grips with the crippling insult he had iust fielded. The l"Ote to amend the resolution was stalled when the agitated * F ixed Interest Rates as senator proceeded to filibuster. He calmly reached for his trusty copy of Low as 2.875% that week's Excrc111c11t, and, in a move that no one could haw predicted, began reading the ASMSU senate m111utes. * Lock in Lowest Fixed "Thursday's ASMSU Senate meeting began with a ... " began the Rate in History senator. Almost immediately, the room became audibly hushed ,rnd a visible glaze descended over most of the eves 111 the room. Clearly, none *No Fees or Credit Checks of the senators had ever read the deliberate, exhaustil"e chronicle of their ver) own organization. *Additional Savings While Fortunatelv, though, a part1cularh .1lert, insightful, thoughtful and in Grace intelligent senator quickly brought something of in1erest to the .1ttcn tion of her fellow senators. * Federal Parent Loans also "Don't you sec?" she quipped, "These senate minutes hal"e failed to Qualify arouse the attention of Ewrc111C11t readers hec.iuse the1 .ire de,1rlr l.'x1guous and skimpy! There's no depth, no content to these art ides 1' h.1tsoc1·cr!" ·------~ A nearby senator nodded 111 agreement, while .mother rl.'marked, SAVE AN ADDITIONAL "\\'ell, wh,1t can Ix· done about it?" The particularly alert, insightful, thoughtful and intelligent senator 1.25°/o* responded, s.iying, "Obi ioush, these art ides aren't word) l'nough; I lo\\ ON YOUR STUDENT LOAN will anyonl.' be able to comprehend our innate ,1wesomeness \\ ith these petty, rudimentary setllences?" INTEREST RATE :\resolution 11 as quick!)' dr.iftcd, stating. "l Ienu·forth, .1ll 1e oil' 'en Rcfcn::ncc Promo Code: , DI·C04 ate minutes shall be unnccessaril} long-winded and ciru1mlocutor~,' ' and going on to quote the AS:\ISU Constitution Preamble:" rlw rok• 11 • .15 0 rat~ rl!dw:tion \\1th scl·up ofaulOnHlli~ pa)-111\!nt~. of student government and its responsibilitit•s shall be made C\pli..:11. .. 1°0 rat.: n: momh,oron-um.: n:p.1~111.:nt [Ldited due to boringness ." ·------The casuall) dressed,. lightly ragged-looking\\ riter w,1s then pub \\'WW.COLLEG IATEFUND IN GCO M lith stoned and torcibly fed the rl.'solution. The -\S~ISL St'll.lte meets on Thursd,ws in the !>L B,.1nd an) guests ,11.ill 800-918-7587 1, ill be well received. Don't rxpetl rcfre,hments, though. I never gel an~. 4 THURSDAY, DECEMB ER 9. 2004 NEWS Prepare For Flying The Future According to Bu OMER GOMER I I terrorist attack.> ...... make it seem plausible EXCREMENT WRITER Remove all Garments with Skid-Marks ing they are harboring in advance, prepared to spend punishment for them as for their President Bush recentlv dis ist in Iraq th,u were SHAW T. HAUGHTY ample time being adequarelv \'iolator. cussed his plans for his second the Sept. 11 assault, and EXCREMENT WRITER searched. Internationally, passengers term in office. Bush admittedh saying that the\ have Wt As you're flying around this Underwear will be sold will he shown an entirely new stated that he lacked m ome of ;\lass Destruction winter break, traveling and visit alongside gum, magazines, and depth of bod)' cavity searches. areas of leading the nation dur there. But here's the real ing friends and relatives, make batteries at airport com·enience Though you may think the prac ing his first term, and deemed boy howd}. \\'e have no a ~ure YOU don your finest under stores. ~ tyles ranging from box tices conducted in the United it was appropriate for ome si,·e endence of this at aD garments, because security just ers to thongs will be offered, and States ,ire uncom·entional, things change to take place. This statement was 1111 got e,·en tighter. enjoyment for security per on are much worse abroad. The "First of all, we need to get manv cheers from the ow, no matter who you are nel should be taken into account. French, for example, ignore the us some Goldfish crackers," Republican audience, enQ or where you're going, you will be Since courtesy for those conduct wearing of undergarments, and declared Bush. When a ked wh} ing Bush to continue. searched down to \'O ur skivvies. ing the searches, as well as fellow insist upon complete nuditv Goldfish crackers, Bush pro "And think of all thOSI Report of concealing potential passengers, should be regarded, when conducting their searches. ceeded to shout, "Because it's countries out there thataa weapons, drugs, and liquor in it mar be best to exfoliate before f\.lexico does not partake in the snack that miles back!"This ably training terrorists: bras, underwear, and body cavi traveling, surelr howering ,1nd any search procedures, and are was followed by an evil cackle, Korea, Russia, l\1as ach111 ties were recorded throughout wearing unhoh·, skid-mark-free, sent the illegal drugs found in which was cut short when We have our pick of w: the Th,mksgiving season. one of undergarments. American body ca,·ities. This President Bush lodged one of want ro overrun next!" the most popular and common If you are suffering from dis cannabis is given to passenger the small nacho cheese-flavored Bush .ibo has pla times to travel all vear. Due to eases such as genital herpes or with their in-flight meals. Be sure snack foods in his throat and improve education. W'd the masses of people c.:oncealing varying rashes, be sure to wear to look into van·ing search tech ''ice president i o Chai niques before traveling abroad, Dick Cheney marijuana, for example, stricter identification to alert security "And to think of all those Behind making sure vou are adequately had to take measures need to be taken. team of your condition. These other countries out there The possibilities for storage warning badges can be obtained equipped for whichever method over. that are probably training at anv check-in counter at all ,1ir is required. "A merica places amongst the bod)' have terrorists: North Korea, witching flights does not is at a loss," evolved into new, more unique ports. Genital disease , includ Russia, Massachusetts ... ,·ariations on the usual methods. ing STDs will not be reported, prevent you from undergoing Cheney We have our pick of but alerting security personnel multiple cavity searches. \\.'hen started. "We Perhaps the pre ence of undergar who we want to overrun ments will still allow illegal items beforehand will be necessary. flying out of airports such as our are caught next." to make it through security checks, Unprofessional contact by own Gallatin Field, a thorough in a war that but am ·tep will help. Other either the securitv member or per search will be conducted. Then, we are now - George--W. Bush items up for confiscation include son being searched is possible, but when arriving ,\l l\Iinneapolis, asking why U.S. President learnm' condoms, large belt buckles, keys, should be reported immediately for example, a similar or more we got into good, j and various earring styles. Shoes following the procedure. Charges complete search will be endured, in the first place, and honestly me and Jeb did back homi with sharp heels will be removed, will be taken leniently, promising preventing the possibility of have no idea how to get our we were kids. 'ow look a necklaces with crosses taken, and less than one month in detain tashing anything upon arrival. butt out of." Grinning madh-, ~ medallions surely dismissed. ment for the accused. Fondling o two state carry out identical Cheney then went on to Bush then went on to sha Due to the number of body and groping, though unnecessary, processes, so appropriate con perform the Heimlich maneuver of pictures of his brother cavity searches rising, arrive at may occur, and passenger com siderations need to be taken into on President Bush, who had col state of Florida along " vour favorite airport three hours plaints mar provide just as much account. lapsed onto the stage. Regaining vote counts from the state consciousness and the use of his time VP Cheney decided Bush Cancels Agreement Between Nouns and Verbs trachea, Bush began to speak. nap time for Bush, and ca "So here's the deal, right? press conference to a cl "I Has a 1\.'.landate, and I Intends to Use it," Says President We start this War on Terror, "\\'e don't want him right? But we invade some too excited right now, c ANDY BOROWITZ In world capital<, heads of The president noted that his countq that we don't know never calm down," I SPECIAL TO THE EXCREMENT state responded with a mixture proposal had received a vote of for sure was inrnlved in the 9- explained. of shock and dismav to the pres confidence from British Prime President George \\'. Bush ident's decision to back out of the ~!inister Tony Blair, who earlier announced the first major initia noun-verb agreement, long con in the da\ said, "He haYe my full S.I.C. TAITOOS tive of his second term in office sidered a cornerstone of human support." BODY PIERCING today, canceling the agreement communication. Mr. Bush went on to between noum and verbs. " It was one thing to back announce a series of other bold 1423W Bobcock The president, who had been out of the l\:rnto Protocol and initiatives. such ,1s imposing a Bozemoo, MT 5 9 715 widely expected to announce a the Gene,·a Conventions, but moratorium on (Omplete sen series of faith-based initiatives, if l\1r. Bush intends to break tenct's and elimin,lllng the let 406 -586- 1176 ~urprised \\',1s hington insiders b~ the agrcemt'nt between nouns ter "g" from th<' end of most kicking off his second term with a and verbs he 1s going it alone," words. grammar-based one. said French president Ja~ques Elsewht're, the Pentagon ;\1r. Bw,h left little doubt that Chirac. announced that U.S. fighter 1ets he intended to consign the agree But President Bush was quick missed a target in southern lr.iq ment bt'tween nouns and wrb~ to correct l\lr. Chirac, respond todaY, strafing a middle school 111 Exponent Staff to the dustbin of histon, telling mg, " I think what m\ good friend :\ew )erst'\'. Editor-in-Chief 99-1 222-1 Ad Sales Manager 994 2.20 reporters, "I has a mandat<', and I Ja.:qu<'s Ch1r,\C means 1s, I 'are' Co11rtc~1· o( 11·11·11· boroll'it::rc .\ngie Conners Curt \\'idhalm ang1est' Chi 'lnnncl 1 ~· L1mhe1 .lllManager 994 24 Sport\ Editor 99·1- 2·155 \ ltk1· J11rcnk '-,h,11 '1.l ~.1h"m sh.11 '1,1, cxpnnc'lt.mnnt.rn.1.l'Ju Busines' .\ ~sis t an t L '1 ·i, BJrtlc11 AJ,i~or 5Xt> ~51.J Pat 11111 Photographer> <..op) Editor Charlie l .1pp L. 1leb Hilt Ke' in Lud" 1g. l1hh Zir. \le\ H.dkmus \\'ricer;, lim .\J,1111,, l incoln I nck,on, Todd \.rnl>cr\rk. Bri.111 l l.lrk.1\kr Ct l.rkJ ht'"· S.trjh .\lich.1lic,, :\icok t\tJrqu.1rd1. lc>Sc lkni:,on. lotw Brcnd.1 \k '\,1nc,, Jt,_ste "oukup. Bn,111 kcll\, Andrew \hlkr. Jo,h Ii Fmil\ Ku1pe", R.111di Hirs.:h. !lJmd l ockh.lrt, \k~hJn CJll.ihan. t. \ntoncnk, \like Bur.:hcu. Lou \rmil.t!l.<'· Chri, S.:..gt:r,, l hantal Zt: -9339~ ~JJ_ T he E'l.ponent provides students' perspectives on news, ;ports, op~ ain Bozeman em ue~A features for the university and the Galin tin Valle)- The goal of the Elf EMGAllERY COM - (/ i;, to be fair, balanced, ethical, accu rate, and objective in reporting of publicatio n. NEWS T HURSDAY, D ECEMBER 9 , 2 004 5 ~dents Use Morphine for Finals Week during finals week when the)"'re "We are expecting the stu with minimal negative effects, Some of the local pharmacies on the drug, and one last survey dents on morphine will be feeling then I completely support that." in town have agreed to give MSU which is to be completed the week much more relaxed about their "The whole idea that mor a drug discount so they can afford are >tre>>ful for everv after finals. final exams, but probably won't phine will have few effects when the experiment. None o'. the ec. 13 - 17 i' not con The first survey ash them to do as well as those on the placebo taking final exams is ridiculous," pharmacists wished to comment be one of the most describe ho'' they feel the week or on nothing at all," said MSU said MSU student Graham Meng, on the objective value of the trial, tunes on campus. before finab start, how they think biolog} student Amy Richardson. who is in the control group that but one worker did begin to laugh o the ~ISL.: Biology they will do on their tests, how "However, we are not sure if it is not taking anything. "I am in when asked about it. Int, ,ill of that could be much value they place in their will be a significant difference, in Patrick's class and even though we "I can just imagine what this his rear. grades, and how they are expect which case many students ma\' have about the same grade right is going to do to some grade point f the uppercl.1"men in ing the morphine to affect them. feel that the euphoria they experi now, I can guarantee you that averages!" said the pharmacist. ment decided it would The sun·cy students will fill ence\\ hile on morphine will out after our finals have been turned "Man, what some kids will do resting expL'rimcnt to out during finals week will pose weigh the negati\·e effect of losing in and graded, I will be the one today for a few moments of hap ffrcts morphmc \Hluld questions that inquire if the 5tu a tcw points on their finals." ''ith the better grade in the class. piness." udcnts .md their gr,1des deni- feel relaxed, 1f they feel pre 'Tm willing to do am·thing in The whole reason I agreed to this Richardson 'ays that she is ab \\CCk. Tn conduct pared for tht?ir finals, .ind how the interest of science, c\·en if it experiment is to prove my theory b,1ffled b)' the humorous atti ment, the 'kpartment much value the) no"· place on involves taking prescription drugs correct." tude so many people h,l\"e shown 1 total of three groups; their gr.ides. that I don't have prescription So ,,·hat about the legal obsta toward the experiment. gn>up of 50 stt1tknts Before thL• drugs are handed for," said .\ISL freshman Patrick cle of gh'ing morphine to people "In determming whether or c1evc no tre.1tmcnt. an out prokssors will report to the Carrol, who will be taking mor without prescriptions? not morphine will help people t.il group reLei,·ing the sc1ent1s1' what they pro1ect each phme ti.)r the five days of finals. "I "We live in Montana. Even the during stressful times in their and .1 pl.iceho group. student's final grade percentage realh believe the biolog\ depart· \\eather Channel ignores us out lives, I believe we can truly make a studcnh must be in will be for their class. The sden ment could be onto something here unless we have a blizzard that difference in the world," she said. t1sb "ill then compare the fore here. Stress is never good and if brings us ten feet of snow," said " I foresee a futurt' in which c\·ery e for tilling out a 'ur casted grade with the actual grade thev can do a\,·a~ with it during Richardson. "As Montanans we one is happy, even if they are on they take thL' drug, one from each individual. the most stressful time of the year arc not subject to national laws." prt'scnption drugs." U Motto Implies Ivy League Education school slogans, but we believe that results overwhelmingly supported by saying more in our motto, we'll the theory that the only reasons Reasons Motto Supporters Chose MSU be showmg people that we have for attending ~1SL' were to ski, d about promoting more to say as a school." backpack, make snow angels, 5% ski ,chool, administra Some people are concerned and slide on the icv sidewalks. l decided to change the that by alienating skiers and other Approximately 98.6 percent of iottu from ".\lountains outdoor enthusiasts, enrollment students listed the above activi ,"to "~1SC: the Harvard will plummet. ties as their reasons for coming DSkiing t. It's where serious stu "No one in their right mmd to Bozeman. The other 1.4 per o stud) and not en1oy would come all the \~ay out to cent cited unusually easr access • It's Pretty Montana just for the academics," to alcohol as their main reason said a supporter of the.\1ountams for choosing MSC'. Academics e supporters of the ne'' and Minds motto, Suzy Stefani. came in as the eighth reason, after 95% ·eve it does an accurate "And to say we're the 'Harvard of things such as excellent shopping, ying what they want the \\'est' is ridiculous. Harvard a lot of Republicans, and the lack talc University to stand was the first university in America of potholes in the streets. An Excrement poll finds that motto supporters are hypocritical in !future. . and J\.1SU was only created like The results showed that 98.6 their reasoning/or choosing to attend MSU t now MSU 1s pull 120 years ago or something! Most percent of students currently t·of-state students with people in the country couldn't attending school here would not Page. "We're trying to purge the uncover the reasons supporters of even think of what J\.1ontana looks be here if the motto was "MSU: school of everyone who values fun the new motto gave for attending id new motto acti,·ist like unless you told them about Harvard of the West. It's where and skiing above the Heisenberg MSU and Ji,·ing in Bozeman. The "We need the country the skiing and Yellowstone." serious students go to study and principle and tl1e fundamental results showed that 95 percent of t the academics here in As a result of the controversy not enjO)' the outdoors" when the) theorem of calculus." them are here for the skiing, while are just as good as those over which motto to choose, the were considering schools. When The Excrement staff, as the other five percent simply liked oidge, J\.lass. at Hanard. Excrement staff decided to con faced with the outcome of our Bozeman's leading and fin the fact that it is pretty. the new motto is a nice duct a surYe)' of out-of-state stu study, supporters of the new motto est news source, felt it was their If passed, the new motto will tf this fact. Sun.\ it might dents attending J\.1SU on why they smiled and began celebrating. responsibility to conduct one be on the school's website by the anger than most other came to Montana for college. The "That\ wonderful news," said more survey, this time trying to end of spring semester 2005.
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Producer? \.\'ell IN your drt'"a.m.~ C'ODlf' true Sky Captain & The World Of Tomorrow and a ppl) for the films Conunittee Chair H ead p o,it ion t h rouo:h ASMSU! Be in charg(" of the Procra, tinator and ht"lp T hurs day- 9 p.m. F riday: - p .m. & 11 p.m. dt"cidt> w h at aud \\ht-n filn1 ... '~ill ... hon! Sunday: > p.m. Th(" be-... , Pil.rt. ··)OU ~et paid' Holl n<-.od at ir ... finf'~t. For n1ore info. or for an application, 'top h AS~!St Sl B 281 or """ 9Q1-29JJ. RltHARP~ HA~ &ROU6HT THE MEMORA&LE ME~ "DRUNK 61RL" TO THE ~HOW A~ WELL A~ THE INFANT HIP-HOP ~UPER~TAR "&A&Y K" AND "JEFF," JARRET'~ MEATHEAD ROOMMATE ON "JARRET'~ ROOM." RltHARP~ AL~O DELIVERED UNFO~ETTA&LE IMPRE~ION~ OF &ILL O'REILLY, 6ARY &U~EY, DAVID LETTERMAN, 6ARY ~HANDLIN6, MltHAEL MOORE, AND KEVIN ~PAtEY.
RrtHARP~ tAME TO ~NL AFTER tRl~tR~IN~ · THE tOUNTRY DOIN6 ~TANP-UP tOMEPY ANP IMPRE~ION~. HE HA~ PERFORMED IN TOP au~ IN'1UDIN6 'AROLINE' ~ 'OMEDY 'LU&, THE IMPROVl~ATION, AND THE 'OMEPY ~TORE. tl,HARP~' TELEVl~ION APPEARAN'E~ IN'1UPE N&''~ "LATE FRIPAY," "LATE Nl~NT WITH 'ONAN O'&RIAN," "THE LATE ~HOW WITH 'RAI~ KIL&ORN,"-
ANP JIMMMY KIMMEL LIVE. II 8 OPINIONS
Santa Says I NSIDE T H IS I SSUE * &A 0/o Childr Freedom Jelly ~ JOAN M. SCRt EXCREMEN~ WRI~ I page 12 Santa sat d1str.wght workshop. Slowh fold copy of the New York Tim placing it on his workbe furro\1·ed his brow and st The Excrement slowlr shake his head. he turned as J\lrs. Claus the room. Hates Freedom "\\'hat is it, darling? Claus inquired, seeing the ct page 08 drawn sharp!} on anta's "This Chri tma stuff ting way too complicated don't know if I can k Santa l.lmented, \'agueh· g Viagra Spill to the new pa per he had } down. "Between Chanu Kwanzaa and \\'inter '.'iol'tJ page 9 eYCrY other foo-foo P( winter holida,· celebration don't kno\1 what I'm sup be doing.'' h hone1-, it tan't bad, can it?" \!rs. Cl,rns a look of bewilderment 111 h "I hl\'e you c\·er tried ,i d.111111 Kwanzaa present North Pole? l don't e1 e thert is such .i thing .is cit~ \\'e're going to h.neto Afncan midget ne\t vear FREEDOM go to t.ike picture' at the so we don't get our .i"~' s racial d1s.:rimination" JELLY <;,111ta put hi> he.id mh and took a long tm,,ud lolltm cd b1· a rough fum his suit tlH his h.ilf-u,ed Cimeb. He has rcu:ntl} 3 the habit trnng lll de.ti -~ the additional stn.>'s lwmg him b1 ns111g health and ticc 111\urance for th<' wo ch·es. l J,i\ mg hiddt•n Imm nwst. he h.id bcu:i pier re.::enth .md \Ir,. Cla t1oii<·d hirn trom lettin
OUR OPINION: We Hate Puppies, Children & Freedom
~ EXCREMENT STAFF con'l1ming; there arc m,im more productive thing' t of the stafkrs at the Exacmcnt dogs are trained to do the ,,1me th,ll our world is in dire need of thing, - sit, roll O\'l'r, pla\ fetch, reform. But instead of starting etc. and these thmgs aren't useful. abroad, we need to start domesti ome people claim that these cally- soh·e problems right here at animab act a' companions. \\'e home first. at the Excrc111c11t feel that if peo The problem with today's ple actually interacted with each America? Simple: puppies, chil other there would be no need to dren, and freedom. These thmgs find companions in ,mother spe are com·oluting the system and cies. Therefore, 1f we stopped blurring people\ 1dcab. If we allowing dogs Ill breed ( '>pav or phase out puppie.,, thildren, and neuter all domestic ,111d wild dogs) freedom, 1\menca will be a much people "ill han~ to inter.Kt ''1th more efficient pl.iLc to live. each other. Job, would he cre Puppies: Puppie' cost rnone\. ated ll• help the Sp,n '-eult'r 1:1'k It' plam and simple. fhev are forLe, .rnd ther~ d he llll more lit worthJ.:.,, 1 ht'\ tan't control their tle brown "tre.1i.." left to de,111 up ddcc.l!tng s\'stem, the\ L.m't sa\e after\ ou nughbor\ dog. '>onwonc\ life, .ind the~ usualh Children: l ct's I.ice it - chil bite. Tht'> ph.ise of a dog\ lite out- dren .ire the most c:-..pensi,·e th111g, 11eigh the potential it has as an Smaf'. Children, such as Dai.1y .1/aisy, an· a danger to rocit'/1•. Th,.,.,• prnence', along withfi"e SEE FREEDOM PAGE 9 aJult. Training ,i puppy is too time puppies must be muiimtedjiw11 the earth in order to mm;,. happi11t!S.ljor h11mt111i~y. OPINIONS THURSDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2004 9 Freedom: The World Will Be On The Rise a Better Place Without Freedom
agra Spill Stiffens Economy of S.D. Town CONTINUED FROM PAGE 8 "We've had to increase our night watch TRAVIS T. MAJESTY tainly vivacious and jovial. a person can have (assuming the Virgil recently received a large loan from workload by a lot. Any old man who is still child is adequately cared for) . ._XCREMENT WRITER a banker in Sioux Center to help fund a mobile will invariably attempt to sneak into Children scream at the supermar e small town of Sioux Center, Iowa has remodeling of his store. He is turning it into someone's room. Sometimes we just hear the ket, cry during the movies, and ubject to a sexual catastrophe, some a bed and breakfast, as well as the head of noises from the craft-matic beds going up boy do they smell. And what's the nths after it was discovered that trace operations for his "Sunshine Commune." He and down, up and down. We're all under a lot point? So people have an outlet for ts of sildenafal sulfate had leaked into admits, too, that it may seem odd to have cor- of stress here. And there are better things we their love. Well, if we can't share ·oundwater supply, porate backing for a com could be doing," said Sandra Yeats, the recep our love with each other first, we Viagra truck tipped mune, but proclaims that tionist, as she handed me her phone number. sure don't have the ability to share ;eavy rainstorm. But "We've had to increase it is the only way to make Other than minute psychological rami it with a screaming, smelly, soggy are looking at this our night watch workload it in this dog-hump-dog fications, the town is happy - overwhelm child. nos1tive example of by a lot. Any old man who world. ingly happy - like, scary happy. They are Also, children allow us to an happen when a is still mobile will invari· The negative reper also very peaceful people and pleasant to be "pass the buck" onto the next nity faces ostensi ably attempt to sneak into cussions in this small around, especially Sandra. Anyway, I've been generation. Pollution? Crime ?ative repercussions. someone's room." town were obvious at first here for two weeks and, despite certain sex rates? Oil and water shortages? he first hvo weeks glance. There was imme ual proclivities I was previously unaware of, The deteriorating Ozone layer? ifficult. But that was - Sandra Yeats diately a rush to stores to I'm happy too. All water supplies should be We'll just let the next genera we found out what Nursing Home Receptionist purchase copious amounts equipped with a Viagra injector. I know a guy tion deal with that. Well, time is that was makin' us of carbohydrates. Wine who makes one. No one will know. I should up. It's time for this generation ny. Once we found and chocolate sales went be going. Get yer love on. to deal with it. There will be no ! decided just to roll with it;' said Virgil through the roof. Then acne cream went up, one else to depend on, and every er, founder of the recent throwback due to reactions to the chocolate. Store own one will actually have to love his une "Sunshine." "Our motto is 'Get yer ers also complained that employees were ML spouse and his neighbor. i.' And we try to live by that." not showing up to work on time, sometimes (a.Ji Freedom: As the great "Team . d they do. Despite growing resentment leaving on romantic getaways for days with <:::::__ America: World Police" song cal churches, Virgil sought to rid him out notice. Cigarette sales went up and bars goes, "Freedom isn't free." \Vho the newfound sexual frustration. The and clubs were shutting down early, due to wants to pay for freedom? What une is only his first project, though. He couples' tendencies to "stay in." 555- ~izs are we really getting out of it? y busy man. Ever since the Viagra, he There is also e>q>ected to be a ba Jy.-0.oom Freedom is just a contrived idea to feeling much more energetic and within the next yea r. Textbooks for scho - to convince people to fight for mate in the mornings, no longer just children may be hard to locate as well, espe ;3~~\{l something that someone else d lethargic. cially textbooks with the necessary sexual wants. Well comrades, it's time gil owns a sex toy shop in Sioux Falls, education chapters, complete with class exer for the revolution! o more n hour commute from his home in cises (for only the high school texts) and an homeless, no more wars, and no • Center. Virgil explains that when he interactive R&B disc, narrated by Usher. more children or puppies. Sioux Falls, he can't help but feel pity Nurses in nursing homes are also expect Since there is no such thing t>se "limping through life." He is cer- ing a pay increase despite limited resources. as real freedom, we can remove it from our vocabulary. By the ta: Those Ungrateful Brats Can Take Christmas and Shove It time the final generation reaches puberty, freedom will be a myth started to rub his shoulders. towards the holy city of Mecca." the damn dinosaur!" :-- a joke. That generation will be Santa took his lit cigarette and Santa rubbed his eyes in slow, Santa paced back and forth, comprised of workhorses, filled e him light up. put it out on a half finished Elmo deliberate circles in rhythm with slow!) releasing some of the anger with compassion for each other ow the elves are on my doll laying haphazardly on his Mrs. Claus' slow kneading. generated by his frustrated out and saving the world. All the bout a living wage and I work table. Enjoying the gentle Mrs. Claus leaned in close to burst Slowly, he calmed himself problems in the world will be ;'5etting letters telling me back massage from his wife, he Santa's ear to encourage him with and finally walled to ~!rs. Claus solved, and the human race can should stop discriminat slumped forward and let out a some words of ad\ ice. "Think of and ga\'e her a slow, thankful end peacefully, with that last being iainst the migrant workers barely audible moan. the children, dear. Think of all hug for her earlier deed. Finally, passing peacefully in his sleep, not lon't ha\'e work permits. "This morning when I was their smiling faces." he detached from their embrace with a nuclear meltdown inciner nth if they make it all the briefing the reindeer for this "The kids!" Santa sudden!} and spoke. ating the entire population of the p here from Mexico, I'm year's flight, Rudolph informed exploded outofhischair and onto "I've made a decision. We're world. i' 5Lrooge if I don't give me he had joined the Kation his feet. "Those little rug rats are going to skip Christmas this vear. \\~1ile these ideas ma) seem 1ob." Santa's eres squmted of Islam and wo1;1ld no longer even worse than the aH6dtins bill too hish'?
Ho1~r d11d w(U risht. .. PUTGNJl $WEJlTEf-\! We ht1v6 Lots of swecrlet'S crl $J-lCK$ <.JF ~<.J~E~1J-lN Mo~l' Commt\n~ Thl'ift $tol'6 ~·:-..., REl'v1EMPe1ER! JUL pl'Ofib rrom Sttclts pl'ovid6 the majol' fi1ndins fodhe ~o;i6mttn H6Lp Cwtcrr ttnd th6 S6Jctlttl .Amn1Lt Cot\OS6lins C6ntcrr. 10 THURSDAY, DECEMBER 9 . 2004 0 Pl NI 0 NS Letters to the Editor Brian Clark Blows Goats, Can Him Send that Todd Van Der Ark Back to Holla~ Dc,lr Editor, therefore partie, like one \nd, proof. ,1]as, he acts in that most sm1ster theater in l\.!ay. Then we must make surL he has~ .1 giant hammer. Sometimes he kills puppies. Once I saw the SUB. I can't fathom hm, that flammg el e11 here, so that he Li111 no longer pq This utter moron pontific.1tes with him drop-kick an old lad1. He hates free liberal gained the gall to sho'' himself in Universitv students' mmds. If that uol t\\'O \\'eek!) articles, one in which he dom. fire him. Immediateh. public. work, I ha1·e praved \·en hard that
Dear Editor gi\e him the time of da,. Ha:. our societv I Demand the Excrement Fi res Tyler Cegl I am appalled and shocked at some of sunk so lcm, h,we our stand,1rds fallen Dear Editor, the horrible things l read in rnur w-callcd that far? I don't think so. I think that the other. How ,1111 I supposed to beco1 I writing to express 111) extreme "newspaper." The most shocking thing of those problems can be directly laid at the am liberal, fire breathing partis,rn when I disappointment in 1·our paper by allowing all is the trash that 1·ou print from Lincoln doorstep of?>. Ir. Erickson and people like to read the truth? Fire Trier Cegler! such fools as \Ir. Cegler to write for mu. Erickson. He has no business sharing his him. We need to stand up as a community If the Excren1c11t does not take im \\ hile his opinions are of high intellectual "opinion" with anybod\'. lf you want 1m and fight this viciousness that has taken diate action, I ,,·ill be calling the NA; content, l don't agree with them and there opinion, he should be locked up in a dark over the opinions section of our beloved the ACLU, and the Bozeman Peace et cell somewhere. Nothing to him is sacred. Excrement. fore he should be fired. Not onh that, but to request their help in squekhmg Tvler Cegler is really chubb,, and chubb1· He seems only concerned 11 ith himself. If An ounce of prevention is worth a conserYative popp1·-cock. uch wnte people are ugly. Ugly people should be people treated him the same way he pur pound of cure l always sav. And the first a danger to the well-bemg of society, ports to treat those around him, he would step to that prevention is to stop prin banished from ociety. I bet he gcb really besides, I feel reallv, realh dumb wit sweaty, too, and all red in the face. Like, um, be a homeless person, cold and alone. ting Lincoln Erick on's drivel. That will read the articles and they make me a ewwy icb'. I remember when the Excrc111e11t go a long '''a) in making our world a bet tion 111\ uninformed opinions and vi9. was a good upstanding newspaper. The ter place. \\'e need to stop this cynicism I am really sick and tired of hearing the world. All I haw to sa1 i · that T~ le Excre111c11t used to print things relating to before it ·preads anv farther. So plea e, about his opinions on e\·ery issue. You big dumb as·. the good of our conmrnnit:y: things like l\Ir. Excrc111e11t Editor, don't let Lincoln know ,,·hat, I don't care what Tyler thinks! \\'hen the qaff of the fa:crc111e11t rea how to help others, ho\,. to plant a rose Erickson 1nite anymore. Think of the His ideas are based in truth and accuraq, the wrong of their 11-.n·s, I demand a fi garden, and how to foster goodwiJI towards children, and what a horrible world they and no paper should be allowed to print page apologv, and a one-gallon bud~ all were topics I looked forward to reading. "ill gro" up in if you don't do somet such rubbish. Look at the most successful cookies-n-cream ice cream. Thank 10 '\ow all 1 can see are Lincoln Erickson's hing. news outlets in America: The New York vour swift respo1v.e to the~e is:sues. harsh \1ords strewn across the page. Jefferson \\'estherson Times, the \\'all Street Journal, FOX 'e\,S, O\\'en Grom I don't see how anyone could eYen Belgrade, i\!t and N'PR. They are all biased in one way or Bozeman, :-..tt
FINANCIAL TIP OF THE WEEK
EFFECTIVE PROBLEM SOLVING TIPS FOR THE CONSUMEF Have you ever purchased a product or service that you weren't happy with? RathJ Cft'fiJtfOW(i than accepting the situation, take action; businesses want to keep you happy· •1 RESTAURANT keep you coming back. Here are a few steps to solve problems effectively: • Where to Start: Lunch Buffet llam · 3pm $7.50 ° Contact the seller about the problem; keep a record of all conversations. o If you can't resolve the problem at this level, contact the company headquarters. Dinner Buffet 5pm · 9pm $10.95 • Write a Letter: Regular Dining llam · 9:30pm 0 An effective complaint letter should be clear and concise, and include all the facts I o Include copies, not originals of documents regarding your complaint, such as sale Dine-in and Take-out receipts, repair orders, warranties, canceled checks, and contracts. • Contact State and Local Organizations: Bozeman 0 High School 1228 W. Main St. If writing letters does not work, look in a telephone directory for government offic l <~ '------' )( <~ Bozeman, MT j9715 such as Consumer Protection Office or Better Business Bureau in your area. ~ I Main Street I~ Take.Out: 587 •5 168 For more financial information contact the SAFE office: 994-7223 or e-mail - )( - Chinatown Delil·ery: j8 7• 3377 SAFE@MONTANA. EC Restaurant MSG Free Sourc_e: ww~.ftc.gov/bcp/conline/pu bs/general/consprob.htm SAFE is a project funded by Student Assistance Foundation '--~__.:_~~~.:_=..:~=:::~~~~~~~~-- OPINIONS THURSDAY. DECEMBER 9. 2004 11 Last South Dakotan Democrat y Can't You Put My Ad on the Front Page? Dies Alone and Miserable
r Editor, large ads with ,-ou every "eek! PACO TACO with Sager and closed any further to Next, your advertising sales representative ...... ish file scver,11 complaints about \'Our EXCREMENT WRITER investigation into Kent's death. .111g st.1ff. :-I)· first complaint i~ that I did not run the 10,000-word manifesto that I Talks are underway in the no rc, pome from my adn:rtisement that demanded be run in con1unction with my ad. I fail Like the dodo, the Tasmanian Democratic National Party to our paper despite the fact that I only ran to realize that your staff is abo students who have tiger, and countless other animal spearhead an effort to reintroduce a nee and it \\'as the smallest possible ad that classes and can't be at my beckon call, 24-hours a species that have gone extinct, closely related species of Democrat pay for - mv ad that read "for everv $200 day. Besides, as students, none of you have any idea the last of the South Dakotan back into Souili Dakota. t my store, :>.!5L students will rccei,·e SI what the "real world" is really like and how busi Democrats has died. Richard Kent, "We feel that a Montana fow is this not a great promotion? ness works. a high school history teacher in Democrat or a \Vyoming ! second complaint 1s that the ad was Lastly, the cost of advertising in your paper is Deadwood, S.D. died of unknown Democrat would best be suited in the back of your paper. I did not pa) outrageous. Your paper is free, so why do advertise reasons in his suburban home. to the environment of South ment fee, nor did I request it, but this ments cost money? Never mind the fact that your Kent's death marks the end of Dakota, but their populations are be no excuse for not placing my ad in the market reaches 99 percent of my customer base, or a difficult struggle for existence. already strained and the loss of rominent section of your paper. How can that you have production costs and you all want to For ilie past 10 years, Kent has just a few individuals may spell 1ing business like mine not receive pref- be paid for your time and energy of producing a been the only Living Democrat in doom for their species as well," 1 treatment? As a first-time advertiser, I weekly paper. the state. His singularity destined announced Bob Reidy in a recent receive priority placement. This place John John Tuton him to a lonely Life that would press release. hould not go to the businesses that buy John's Business Owner ultimately end in the extinction of "This is clearly a case ofsurvival the South Dakotan Democrat. of the fittest. The South Dakotan 1 Adams Writes Worse than a Stupid Monkey "For years Kent had hoped Democrat was unfit to survive and that another Democrat, prefer a species that loved freedom more, r Editor, reported 1t as a hate crime, and am currently orga ably a female, would immigrate the South Dakotan Republican, writing because I am concerned about nizing a rally against this bigot. Everyone is wel to South Dakota and save his was able to thrive," responded U. er. First, let me start out by saying that I come to attend this Rally Against Tim on Friday kind from extinction," revealed of S.D. Professor Michael Wilson. lly a supporter of disabled and the men in the orthwest Lounge of the SUB. There will be family friend "It would be ndicapped. Trust me, I volunteer at Special performances by local artists and a candlelight vigil Jack Edwards. pointless to try "I believe that the South ·cs every year. However, your continued to honor the fallen ... Hispanic guy, that is. "Unfortunately, to reintroduce Dakotan Democrats died t of an obviously mentally retarded indi- Mr. Adams is plainly one of the most igno no one was ever Democrats because they stopped lov · s the only explanation I can find for your rant human beings on the face of the Earth. If he able to make it without chang ing freedom." ed employment of Tim Adams. were any more uninformed or stupid, he would be across that hor- ing the condi behalf of women, Asians, Blacks, Gays, anchoring the Fox ews Channel. I am just waiting rible flatness - Ed Lovejoy tions that made .ics, Bisexuals, Native Americans, John for the end of the world when I see the O'Adams called South U. of S.D. Ecology Professor them die out in nd aborted fetuses everywhere, I am plead Factor or he changes his name to Rush Adams. He Dakota. All the first place." h you to fire Mr. Adams. I saw this movie is so right wing that if he were a bat he would fly that tried went Pi:.esident n the history channel about Hitler and he in little circles. insane and ran their cars into Bush has pledged to create sev t like that. Not only is he a right-winger, he's not even a oncoming traffic." eral small, far spaced conserva en I picture Mr. Adams writing articles for very good one. He voted for Nader. 'Nuff said. The reason that the South tion reserves for Democrats in er, I see in my mind a monkey sitting on a In conclusion, we will be holding a peace rally Dakotan Democrat died out is a Souili Dakota if a reintroduction ith one hand scratching its ass and the other immediately after the hate crime rally on Friday. mystery that continues to baffle effort is successfully organized. on a typewriter. Unfortunately, this analogy Then we will go beat Mr. Adams to a pulp, set his scientists, but a handful have pro This land will be confiscated from suiting to the monkey. house on fire, kill his parents, and then have another posed valid theories as to why the ative American reservations s one time I saw this Hispanic guy walking live performance to promote peace in the world. once iliriving species is now gone. across the state. pus and he fell and some guy walked by and Sincerely, "I believe that the South "I feel this is a tragic loss for help him up. I'm pretty sure that was Mr. Adam R. Hadmar Dakotan Democrats died because the state of South Dakota," stated , with his lump of coal instead of a heart. I Bozeman, Mt they stopped loving freedom," President Bush. "In light of this, I claimed University of South will find the terrorists and their n't Mess With the Excrement, They Will Bury You Dakota Ecology Professor Ed weapons of mass destruction ar Editor, I have very detailed information about the physi Lovejoy. that spelled doom for the South ently I have noticed suspicious activity cal appearance of this person, including weight, Others, such as Deadwood Dakotan Democrat, even if I l your newspaper stands, especially the one height, hair color, and build. I could even give you State University Professor Jackson have to cut down every forest and north end of the SUB in the basement, near tips as to when I have observed this person dispos Diamond disagree. damn every river. I love freedom." an of Students office. ing of your papers, so you could see it first hand "It is obviously a combina The tragic case of the South ave observed a person taking mass amounts and pursue legal action if desired. tion of lack of immigration, loss Dakotan Democrat is one that r paper from the stand and placing them I hope to receive some sort of compensation if of habitat, and the complete dis must be thoroughly investigated. into a nearby recycle bin. I provide further information about this character. appearance of liberal thought Other species of Democrats, uch f you at the Excrement put so much effort Sincerely, in South Dakota that spelled as the Idahoan Democrat, the roviding a free service to students and com Deep Throat doom for the Democrat," stated Montanan Democrat, and the members, I figured I would help vou out. Belgrade, Mt Diamond. Wyoming Democrat are already in "I think it is because God danger of extinction. Perhaps les on't Hate the Excrement, I Just Hate Its Essence decided that it was time for the son learned from the destruction South Dakotan Democrat to die," of the South Dakotan Democrat ar td1tor, op1111ons section filled with opinions that are dif said creation scientist John Sager. can be used to save these other ny do you print things that I dissagree with. ferent than mine. It pisses me off. State officials blindly agreed faltering populations. week I pick up the Excrement and find the John R. Conner - Bozeman, ~ft
F~y Fishing .he dogs are coming! Guide School Dunne pring break )\arch 13-19. \\e pronde rnenm e guide tra ining during
n Dec. 9th & 14th at 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. The a 11 eek long guide >l hool. II eek Include>: • Gu1dinE Techniqu e> tor bo1h \la1b ts Helping People Dogs will be in the MSU and 1he lower 48 • High ob ~lmmen1 ra1e' .\\any of las1 year> s1uden1> recie1ed iob; in Ila, Ka ind ou1 \\ rn a, fi,hm; ;u1de' lookstore paw - o - graphing their calendars. Come (.\wage pay \2,100 mo) • CPR F1 s1 \id Trainin: • Fl,1 fi,h Train ng ;in us and get acquainted with these amazing animals! • fj,h. l\ "" • ,lei Boat •ammg • Room nd Board
MStr :SOOKSTORE Please Call STUDENT I FACULTY OWNED SINCE 1931 1-866-GoGuide 12 THURSDAY. DECEMBER 9. 2004 OPINIONS Freedom. Jelly Shortages Cause Concerns
~ TRAVIS T. MAJESTY J les., \ISCOLIS and fluid Freedom the huge freedom spill last had come upon tl1e largest kno'' EXCREMENT WRITER Hup. A fight brm::e out in a \\'ednesdav, America was well freedom depo it in the umverse, \ \'isconsin factory as one of the in the le.id (where we should be, but a> 1t was making ib \\a\ back \s Americans, we have 'o workers told another that he had gosh darn it~). :-Jo" we ha\'e other to Earth, the probe was suddenh mam thmgs to worry about. \Ve "enough freedom for one day" and countries to worry about. struck by consciousness, something h.1vc more right to worry than anr his '\,·aftles need freedom, too.'' In Canada has recently manu the scientists did not foresee. The other countrr in the world. It is order to disrupt the tight, another faLL ured a large undenvater free machine was o frightened upon ewn our Christian dut\ to worn. employee drove through them dom locator that looks mm.h like the awareness of its existence that it It is simph the price of greatness. with a forklift, an octopus. self destructed, blasting its freedom \\'e h.n·c natural disasters to worry and nght into "It's too bod a fight like This freedom to"ard :-.tars. Scientists predict ,1bout. \\'e have med1cme short rree-est.1\ larg that had to break out, machine tra\' ~lar' will .ilre.1dv be tree bv the }'l'Jr ages. \\e ha,·e gaYs. \\c haYe unpa est treedom \at. but what would you do if els the world 201-l. Britain h,15 also promised that tnot1L liberah who w1~h to nd u-. l vie Tyson someone challenged you in search of the rr<.'edom Probe I\" wa.-. built of our gun-. and ,·1olence. "ome ~l,1ds<.'n. or, as freedom ... " coral reef. Its with a '\unnit:r disposition.'' d\lll't even like our president this his employ freedom ten The li-.t goe' on. The Dutch term, tither. Gosh, there's so much ees call him. - Lyle Tyson Madsen tacles then tear ha\·edeveloped a Freedom Pipe. The worn mg we can do. Dr. Freedom, AKA Dr. Freedom through those Germ,rns ha,·e de\'doped th~ freest But the greatest worry nght had tlm to ay icb Javers of car in the world. The Swiss have now is no longer the prob.1ble about 1t, "0111:e that darn freedom r<.'ef onle it h.1s located a large nat freed time. Etc., etc This freedom flu epidemic or the !".!ct that gavs touches the floor, it\ no darn good. ural deposit of freedom, the most ''atch h.1s captivated ,\merilans. love each other and wish to live It's too bad a fight like that had to precious commodity in the world. One potential hope th,Jt together, but in ·tead a shortage of break out, but what would rou do Britain recenth ,bowed the Americans do have in this free Freedom Jellv. As with the flu epi ii someone challenged your free world owr how Great they can be. dom race is ~lonsanto's prom demic, those who need less free dom?.. Freedom and libertv!" foreseemg the need to look out ise of a genetically modified free dom haYe been asked to give up This 1 not only a setback for " ard for fre<.'dom, due to a poten potato. It is apparenth· already in their freedom rations to the less white men in dire need of free tial freedom shortage worldwide, the works, but has not yet been fortunate, nameh- while men. dom, but also for our nation as thev launched a fourth Freedom deemed safe bY health experts. \\'h,ll happened? Free-esta, a a whole, a, it is entering what Probe into space. .\lonsanto promises 1t "ill be subsidiarr of Halliburton, shifted experts call "The Fourth Quarter Trag1call). their third time was readv, though, b' 2006. So don't their focus from Freedom lellv to of the Freedom Race.'' Up until not a charm. Freedom Probe Ill worry too hard, America. Women Should Fight More, (But Still Shave Legs)
~ ZACHARY DAIQUIRI a big favor. EXCREMCNT WRITER Secondly. women need to act far more belliger ent to la" officers. \\'hile I am not ad,·ocating actu Good afternoon I.1dies .111d gentlemen. ome alh domg am physical harm to law officers, a good of you m,J\' th111k th.it I am a heartless per,on. You tongue I.1shmg now and then c,rn't hurt. \t lea~t in - ma) think that I onl) care about" hat is beneficial Freemo~ this ,m:a It seems women ha\·e l<.'-.s catching up to to me. \\ell, tho,e of you who think that are wrong. do. \lam women can .,a, some prett\ m<.'an things D<.'ep inside I .1m a caring and compaS>ion,lte per \\hen they are mad. \\nat we n<.'ed is for all women son. And I am going to prove it to vou tod,n. You to act belligerent when controntcd with any t~pe of IZZ see, I iust \\ant equality in the world. I want peo authority figure. ple e' en-1"here lo h.1w the -.amc opportumtJt·s a' Another thing women could do mot<.' is publiL '-''·ern1ne else. So \\hen I read the police reports 111 nudity. rhe b<.'nefit here p, t\\o-fold. One, 1t nt' \'<.'r th<.' l:\Adam Sandler mo,·ie. monopol) on publiL drunkenness to end. The onlv As I have st,1ted before, I am iust looking out way for that to happen is for all the women out there for the well being of women. I am t1r<.'d of the high to be drunk in public .it least once a week. Just get statw. of men and I am trring to do somethmg to lotalh wasted and walk up and down !\fain Street, or change that. So, for everr woman reader out there, Pizza go try to have a huge party in Leon Johnson. Either do at least one of the suggestions in this article and and underi way, you will be domg the women's rights mo,·ement the world will be a better place. Pasta l\7111 1'1'1~1): IJSl~I) 'l'l~ X'l'll()f)KS • Bookstore isn't buying back your textbooks? • Can't sell them online? • Cheesebread • Donate them to a good cause! • Dec. I 0th through the 17th Dessert Salad Drop-off Boxes located in the SUB near Student Activities and the Located in the University Square Center book buy-back window, Wilson Hall, 1st floor Reid, Gaines, between Albertsons and Staples and the Family & Graduate Housing Office. Open Monday thru Sunday 11 am - 9 pm Jhe :".ll1onal '\ouct) ol LolkgiJlc '>(holar, 1' spo1hor111g ,1 lE':\tbook dnve for the Umwrs1t) ot Gh.u1a. Studenb at the l nl\crsu' ofGhJn.1 tYpilalh cannot e1tford new textbook, and most of their librarit'> .ire out o(date. MsL student> can help b' donatrng 1he1r used boob 686-8552 lATTENTION: * ALL WORKBOOKS AND STUDY GUIDES MUST BE "CLEAN AND COMPLETE." •PACKAGES MAY CONTAIN MULTIPLE COMMPONENTS SUCH AS CD'S,TAPES. STUDY GUIDES, PAMPHLETS, BOOKS, ETC. ALL ELEMENTS MUST BE PRESENT AT TIME OF PURCHASE. • WATER DAMAGED BOOKS HAVE NO VALUE. • IT IS BAD PRACTICE FOR STUDENTS TO RESELL BOOKS FROM THEIR MAJOR OR ALLIED FIELDS, AND FROM CONTINUING OR PREREQUISITE COURSES. ST = STATUS [OE = OLD EDITION I NE = NEW EDITION PENDING] * =UNLIMITED QUANTITY
!!!\E EDmQN 5J QUAN PR!CE nru Eprn<>N SI OUAN PRfCE AARON :TT1..E,8ACM'N ...... >MPAI..T HA.N0900K .,,., .. S22 75 BlOOM INQUIRY OUESnQl\i ~lG R.EAOlr-Ki WRITING 2NDQ.t BlOOf,< PH D PROCESS SI 50 ....., ~>(f'r'WRENCHG/.-''" 00 "00 .. Q2 $~ 00 90E1;J.tE. POWHm.Jl iM.A.GtS PORTRAYALS Of "'-ATIVE AA4 uoo ' AllOOUIC""""""' N'Pl.IEO R(SEAR0-11N FINA~ RE?0R" .. $150 BOGENSCh..,.(!IY-R f>.l.t V POLICY MATTUtS 02 •o $1•7!i A8£ WOMAN IN TIE 00.\'.ES .. ASRAMS NORTONlo•,TH. V2A~1'JCPE~ /'HOO $<00 llOGGS PR."I Of SEOIME.NTOlOGV•STRATlGRAPHV 3RDO• 2 $48.20 Al!AAMS HORTOh A.o,,;-n-t V?B VICTOfttA-°'11 AGE TTHOO $<()() ""'- STAAS ABOVE.EARTH BELO\\' .. $l00 AS RAMS "'tORTO'. A.."TH V 2C !\\'ft.'TIEfli CE-"l:lJRY mt<>J 5'00 ""'-'" WILDLIFE ECOlOGY•M"-NGE.MtNT STI-103 $4825 ...... SUCCESSFU. BUSlNE.SS PL.A." ..... )J S.00 ""'-' MAN FOR All SEASON~ .. $100 Tim.~ TAAGEOES OF lilOOEJI:~ PRESIDENCY , llCNFOl< CRAFT Of RESEARCH 10£::?< El.DJ£N'TARV A.UtO DYNAM C$ 00 .... BOOT>< RESJOE. "lllAL L.ANOSCAPE ARCHITECTURE 4T>< .. SJ(IOO -MXEY PERSPECTIVESC:~CONTtVoORAR lSSUES mD03 NE $'575 BOST ESTATE Pl.ANN l\oG• ...AX..2'003-0it ED W'CO Q2 S1000 lJN•AASK "GAD!.' N STRAlNE E'Vll REVO< '700 BOST ESTATE Pl.AN~ NG•TAXA.TION 2001 EO .. "™~ N>loM UtCROSOf'T OFFICE ACCESS 2003 {Stt. AGELOFFI .. BOUSE W1LOUFE FILMS 00 $225 AllAS W.CW ~SAS THE \tt:ASORE OF i,tE'-.i "°"'-ER fVOll/TlON HiSTORY OF DEA S<02 SlOO AEBERSOl..'l NEWAPPRCH TOJAZZr.,A Mo\!0£NVOYY.'CO 15293923 BOYLAN SHES NOT lliERE 02 SI 15 ., TORTIUA CURTAIN $150 r.r,c COt.STRIJCTIC."'1' EST 'JAT ...,.-.rSIDOIJ\fG ... 25 BOYLE .. A OfF1PACKAGE COURSE KJ't NP ACC 20Q3..8~F•NP tXCEl.2003 """ 50 Sl250 BAAOV ELEMENTS OF NA.TUR.E+PROPERTIES OF SOilS 4 00 s~ 15 Al.BANES£ /WIE.RtCA. Rf.UGK>NS•REUQOll. ,,.00 BRNJMER HEl.P 'ljQ REl.AflOl'.SHJP PROCESS 8TH03 22 .,.... A!.80.U --uESOAYS WfTH ...aRRIE '"°'°., S900 BRECHT GAl..ILEO .. 2 SlOO -BREDE~? OEVElOP•.tENTALLV APP'ROPRJA.TE PR.A.C REV97 $700 Al.SRGHT V6A FOR "tOOELERS WICO 01 ,,200 ~ TE.CkNOLOGY 2N00' NE BREUNIG REVOLUTIONARY ERA 178$-1950 3R002 '600 "'-""""AlOo\G ORGA.'-ilZAllOr'\AL BEHA.VIOR•'-4GMTW .,.t:OTRAC Q2 StOOO BREWER INTRO TO EARLY CHILDHOOD EDUCATION $2500 OtEMICAL. Kl"lETICS•PROCESS SYSTEMS ., Al.EXIE ~°"ICl..lfA 20 S5 75 BREZON< "™"' .. $1500 ,, BIONSON QiORAi.. MUSK; ...ETHOOS•MATERLALS Al.EXIE ~UTn.E~S 03 S550 .. Al.E.XOf'OOLOS N'TROOOCTOR'r' MYCOlOOY •THIO $3'00 BROOV "UTRrTIONAL BIOCHE>1151RY 2"1099 S900 Al,.FARO-t.EFEVR.t APPLVINO NURS NG PROCESS PROMOTI"Kl 5TH02 NE ,, $17 25 PHOTO ID BROOl.• STREAM ECOlOGV .. 8ROOl<05 $21 00 AU.E AESPON01t-1G TO EMERGENCIES 3RD01 NE 15 $1500 BRUX ECONOMIC lSSUES•POUCV·ST\JOY GUIDE """°'3RD05 S200 All. soc Cl"IEMA. A.YE.RICAN CINEMATOGRAPHER MM.UAL 8TH02 $2175 BRYAA MONTANA tNOtANS . YESTEADAY•T~Y 2NO .. ..,. NA SOC MEDIA ASMP PROFESStONAL BUS PRACT ISTHO• $1175 8UKATMAH &ADE RUNNER 97 ssso A.UERFOOTBAU FOOTBAU. COAChlNG 8'81..E 02 S200 llUlGAKOV MASTER•MARGAAJTA 87 Sl25 AW.IEr:t A.·Z Of FostE.IGN MUSICAL. TERMS .. $100 BUI.LET E.ARTH•rTS PEOPLES VM lRO .. moo ANDERSON FREE MARKET EHVIRONMelTAIJ.SM REV01 S200 BUNCH SINGING BOOK .. $1300 ANDERSON PRtMARY PROGRAM GRW1NG+i.AAINGIHEARTtAND 2ND02 BUNTING A.YAWAYHOME 91 '225 ANDltE\'.S CLASSIC AMEJUCAN AUT08K>GRAPHIES 112 SOSO BUAGER HUMN-1 SERVICES IN CONTEMPAMERICA 8THO< " S32.00 ANGEi.a ClASSROOM ASSESSMENT TECH~IQUES 2'093 S1000 BURKHART ANniOl...OGY FOR MUSK:Al.ANAL't'SIS • moo PLAN ... ""G PERFOfW "lfG.oCON'TRPROJECTS-Wa> JRDOl $1000 BURNETT Ft~!TE ElEr..tEHT ANALYSIS '""°'87 AAS>f\1 PSYCHOlOGY FROM TIEORY TO PRAC ""03 S1•00 PRACTICE OF HORS NG RESEARCH •T1101 OE AAS"'WGH DRUG ISSUES FOR EDUCATORS ...o $2325 """"'BURiON OWE\..UNO IN ARCHIV'E 03 ELEM LINEAR ALGEBAAUPOT ITM02 OE $1000 BURTON FAMtLYHISTOft'f 03 """"'ARCHUl£TA SliARE.D VISIONS ., S200 BURTON SOUATI"ER ...THE DON 12NO)Q7 $200 ARENS AUOfJltljQ-.ASSURANCE SEfMCES •aTHOO $4100 BlJTALIA OTHER SIDE OF SILENCE 00 SlOO ARISTOP'h.AAES l~TA .. S02!i BllT\.ER O()MDR£Q .. ssso AR!STOn.E NICOMA.CHEAN EllOCS 2ND90 ,.. $475 BUTTAAO PRJ""""'CARE 2ND03 moo AR>STOTl..E ON RHETORIC ., 1700 llUTTON NO"IUkEAR EC>fT"IMl.V.'(:0 02 ssoo -STRONG ..ERUSAUM oP-tE QTY.THREE FAITHS 91 $150 CN)y MICROCONTROUERS•M CROCOMPUTERS ., $1000 AAkASON HlSTORY Of MOOERN ART .,,., .. $25.00 CN>Y SOFT'WAR.E•HAROWARE ENGR MOTOROLA M6&HCt2 00 s1eoo 20T'H CENTURY ETHK:AL THEORY ssoo ARONO!'SJl..OGY (CUSTOM>-WJCO 11Tli02 .. 13525 AVERY FVNO OF A.EMOTE SENS1"iG--A1RPHOTO INTERP 5TH92 NE ssoo CAMPBELL BIOl.OGY·WICO 8TH 02 NE 10 st!OOO AXElROO REA01NG CRJl1CAU.V.WRrrl"tG WEU elli02 NE ,, '2200 CAMPBEU. EXPfR .ouA.St..E"XPER DESIGNS FIRSRCH &l $1300 AYERS TO T'E-'CH .JOURNEY OF A TEACHER 2'00' .. .. ,. PHONECAllS CAMP8EU. MUSIC IN CH1t...Dt-tOOC)ICO 2ND02 NE $500 loZAA F\JNO OF E"-Gl..ISH GRAIAtAR 3RD03 '600 CAMPBELL TEAQi ~~EARN Tl1RU MULT INTELLIGENCES lROO< S1200 ...... PRACTICE OF SOCLAL RESEAACH-w\'1CO 10THOC 10 5'2.75 CANBY AMERICAN JNCMAN LAW IN A NUTSHELL $t075 BACM WEU.· TEMPERED Q..AV'IER.COW' 03 SI 50 PlEASE CA.ROUfliER O'ACCO'ID LAPR~TION OU FR.4.NCAIS '™"'82 $1500 8"0IRU COMPR.E.HC•WE PROJECT MANAGEMENT .. $800 CAREY ADVANCED ORGNllC CHEM!STRY.PAAT A. 4TMOO $16.00 8IJl£Y ESSElltTIAl.S Of CUl.TURAL. AHTHROPOLOGV (REV)02 $7 00 CARI.TON MOOERH INOUSllu.\1.. ORGANIZATION ,,.,. .. $3700 ....,, !'fTRCXKJCTION TO PR08 •MATli STATlSllCS 2N092 S2000 CARNEGJE HOW TO WIN FRIENDS• NFtUENCE PEOPlE REV81 SI 00 PHl.OSOPtlCCl.ASSICs.Vl.ANQENTPHIL 1700 CAANEY NATIVEAJ.4ERHIGHER EDUCATION 111l US .. """"'BA•llD PHllOSOPHtC Cl.ASSICS-V I t.EDtE\IAL "''"'4TH03 $700 CARRANO DATA STRUCT •ABSTRACTwrT'H JAV/4.. TEXT 03 NE $17 50 llAl.O(JN WHAT BROWN VBOARD Of EDUC StlOUlO HAVE o• $200 CAAROU. PERSPECTIVES ON STRUC •MECH I~ ORG CHS.I .. S2000 ...,,,..,,.. UNKED NEW SClENCE OF NETWORKS 02 OP CARSON AFRtCAN AMERICAN LIVES VOL 1 llAAASH SURV!VAl GAME 03 CASEl.1.' STATISTICAL INFERENCE 2ND02 $3800 BAA'W>f'EU LOCAL.ES ~S FROM FEU.OWSHtP OF 03 BAA'THES SIL.ESSAY S1 50 CIW'RA NUMERICAL "'4iTM FIENGR •TH02 NE $t500 llAR11.E ELEMENTS OF INTEG .U:BESOUE MEASURE .." '600 CHASTEEN PR08l.EMS IN t.AOOERN LATlN AM H1ST-UPOT REVO< S1225 llARZEl E~C NW..YSIS OF PROPERTY RIGHTS 2N097 S200 CMAVEZ S>WXlWEO UVES 2ND06 ssoo siMPlE·~CTRHETOAlC FOR WR1TE.RS (CTH)Ol noo CMEE!< EFFECTlVE ORAL COM'-4\JNICATION 2NOOO S525 BASSO WISDOM SITS IN Pl.ACES .. $400 CHERRY CONTEMPORARV NURSllllG 2.N002 NE 50 $250 BATEMAN BETTEREPS JR[) .. S.12.75 ClUS VOICE+VJSION 00 S2 50 CHIANG FUND MET1100S Of MATH ECONOMICS (CLOTH) 3RD8' NE ssoo BA,\AfSHI GENRE•IHVE."110N OF THE WRfTER 03 CHILDERS MODERN FRUIT SCIENCE 10TH95 $800 BAY fl'El8AY"S GUn'AR QASS METliOO.VOL 1 n 2 $4.25 ARCHITECTURE FORM.SPACE .oRDER 2NO .. .. ,. BAYl.ES AAT+FEAA ., ssoo """"'CHING BUILDING COOES 11.LUSTRATED 03 $975 BAYM LECT ON OlJA."fT\JM MECH >9TH PR'TG .. CHING BUILDING CONSTRUCTION IUUSTRATEO {2N0)73 $1000 3R001 .. ,. BAYM Jt«>RTON AH'OiOLOF AMERUT.VOLC 5Ttt03 ssoo CHING DESIGN ORAWlNG.WICD .. $975 8AYM NOftTON NffiiOLOF AMER UT VOLD rn<03 '600 CHINN NTEGRATED KHO'M...EOGE DEVEtOP IN NUAStNG $1500 8A'M NORTON NfTHOLOF A.MERUTVOI..£ '"'103 '600 CHOOOS ELLA SARAH GETS DRESSED '""°'.. .. ,. 8EAROEN EMERGENCY STRJ.'IG REPAJR MANUAi.. Pt6181l CHRISTIANS FUND OF TURFGRASS MANAGEMENT 2NOO< moo 8EATI1E ASSESSMENT IN ART EDUCATION ., St025 CHRlSTOPHERSON ELEMENTAL GEOSYSTEMS-W/CD .,.,. .. •O 5"'125 8£0( SACRED (REOESIGM:O EOITlON) n $400 CMU NINETEENTH-CENTURY EUROPEAN ART 03 S2500 SECKER SETTlfllG vtRGlN ON FIRE S2.00 CHUA WORLD ON FIRE 03 $200 BECKETT .. WAITING FOA GOOOT .. S200 CliE DU CHA.ASA Cl.EMENTE ANATOMY CTHl7 $1800 BEGON ...... ECOlOGY ·TEXT ONLY 3RD06 SlOOO O..ENOINNEN AZTECS .. S200 8Eu. vtSfTI'-tG M()t.t. ~ UNE.XPECTEO GIFT 1700 ClOUGH CONSTRUCTION CONTRACTING 8TH9' NE 2 ... ,...... , ~BUFFET 00 SI 00 COEUlO ALCHW1ST lO $500 BEN.JAM N ...... ATER CHE.MISTRY 02 $4200 COGGm.EY ~ING PEARLS .. 2NDOO COHEN INDESIGN CS FOR MACINTOSH•W1NOOWS .. $400 BERG LITTEAATIJRE FRA.NC::IJSE To-.£ I 1STliM $2000 C0H£H.TANNOuDJ OUAHTl.JM MECHANtCS.VONE n '2500 BE.RC.ER OEVEl...PERSON THROUGt( QllD •AIJOC..... TEXT 6TH03 NE $4300 COlCER IAAVS Of SEEWG n '250 COlEMAN HANOBOOK OF CONTEJ.A?OOAAY FAMIUES .. OfRK DA.TA ANAL W.MJCRO EXCEL XP UPOT-WICO (REV)O' $1200 COWER BASTA..• LANO. THE 7.APATISTA AEBEU.K)N REV .. $200 BERK OEVEt.OPMENT TI-4FtOUGti LIFESPAN {~148) 220 ... ,. COUIER OECISK)N IN PH11..AOELPHIA S275 BERK .. .. OEVE.l.OPMEMT Tl-IROUGH LIFESPAN 10205391575) SlOOO COU.INS GOOO TO GREAT 01 $400 BERKN FIRSTGE.~not-.S """°' ssso COi.USON FACILITATING ONUNE LEARNING 00 $250 BERl.O .. MTIVE NORTli AMERICAN ART $450 COi.TON COUNTING COUP 00 SS75 BER....-.°" .. F\J'..o OF SEOUE..,TW..•PAAAU.El AL.GORm1MS ., $4800 COMER F\JNONi.IENTALS Of A,8.1\,fOR'MI.. PSYCH ·TEXT .,.,. .. " 11500 BER'ISTE' HARUl<00 $800 8"!lE HOlY 8.l8lE ICING JAMES VERSK>N " 1150 CONAAO HEART Of DARKNESS 3RD&a NE ssoo ...... NEW TEST OF ,..EW JERUSAL..Er.I 8S8LE 1125 CONRAOS PROGRAMS•MA,N1FCSTOES ON 20TH-CEHTARCH 70 S975 SIO 2!'1;001 $200 COREY Tl1EORY•PRAC Of GROUPCOUNS ·TEXT rnNS ~ OROOP "Tl-IEORV lRDOO $3800 """"llME El.EMENTS Of TECHNICAi.. V•RmNG .., SI 00 COUHTAYMAN AJAERICAN REVOLUTION REV OJ 2 $550 "'W'-UAI.. Of EOU ~ AEPROOUCTION 2.~D03 $1000 COUPV.NO GENERATION X 91 10 $$75 ...... """'°"""' "' "'- "El'EEHT'H CE""1"\JRY Hli-191• 00 SJOO COUP\AHD SHAMPOO Pl.ANET 91 $125 llWJ ECONCWICS OF W'OME~ "'6£.~ •WORK •TM02 NE ssoo COllEV FIRST TI-I~ FtAST $100 81.Ml..l"-G .. G0CX> ~ICE JN STUDE.NT AFFAiRS $1000 COVEY SF.VE,,. HABITS OF HIGHl.Y EFFECTM PEOP\.E 2 SH5 llUTztR .. COUEGE Al.GEBRA $4ll25 cox Cli~ICAI.. 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He was presented with a er from Pepsi-cola, and Edna Ibbing's three- 1 d11li (a prize winner in Utah for the annual · .\lormon's Biannual Cook Off"). The Hane hero'pre\'entcd the ultimate destruction of the vest on the previous .\londay when a slapdash sivc dc\·icc was discovered on the roof of a ing at \ISU. The name of the building has yet disclosed to the media. We can never adequately reward this good deed; ·oung man is a credit to our society. But the chili rth its weight in gold," said Brain Schweitzer, rnor of .\1ontana. He also referenced his work 1 irrigator in his speech about Stephan. 'Tve 1 lot of pipe in my day, but I've never saved the j with a broom." 1 reference, of course to the sport that sup- l\lortenthorn w1th the skills it took to save ves of so mam- people: curling. Moretenthorn n on the road to greatness in the sport of curl fter being fired from his job, sweeping hair at a beauty shop. "Sweeping was in m) blood," said enthorn, "I dreamt about it, I was miserable ut 1t. So I discm·ered curling." ~urling has recently been added to the Olympics, riginated in 1511 in Scotland. The essential ents of curling are the deJi,·ery, sweeping, and • photo by Charlie Marlie Stephan lv1ortenthorn demomtrates impecibfe sw~epingfarm, durin~ a drama fie reinactment of his triumphant victory. He SEE SWEEPING PAGE 19 started as a salon custodian and ·worked his way mto coffege, professzonal cur/mg, and now hero. itting The Dirrrty Mat: Wrestling Based Guide on How to Pin Any Woman in Seven Moves or Less Borrow money from her, and foreign accent, or simply pretend once and a while. Come up with lightly GRANT PLANT never pay her back. She'll find not lo be able to speak Engli sh When talking about your demeaning pet names, that reasons to see you. good. She will find it irresi tible future plans throw in, "but you may seem "roguish" or "Jimmy osmo runs a list of sex or Ask for directions (i.e. Where and she will feel needed. know, first I gotta find a wife." Stewartish" (i.e. Princess, your g tips in eveq single issue. is the Leaf and Bean? Or, where If you choose to actually com- Move #4: The Bucket Cradle Worshipfulness, Toots, or Lindsay it's not doing anvone any are my pants?). mit to a relationship after you've Be irreplaceably romantic, Lohan). l in there; women know Befriend her friends, or hit won the chase, don't forget that but not with flowers or candy. Write a generic song you - goals and they run for the on friends of friends you already distance is half of what got you Take a note from family can personalize by changing the h line. have. Talk about the target with there in the first place. Tell her development class from back in name in the chorus whenever you \len, on the other hand, have her friends (this is a girl tactic, that your phone is broken, and high school. Adopt a pet to rear change girlfriends. For starters 1 usmg the same techniques and one they understand). use the quiet time to plot your as your child. Or if that's out of try "Mary," by Hendrix, "the wind ecades. It's time for a new Tell her you have a surprise next move, play video games, or the question, make an inanimate cries Susan," is just as charming ok, a new approach, a new for her, or a secret to tell her. procrastinate in any way. object your child. Try a pet rock, for the less musically gifted man. euver, if you will. Hence: Make her wait and drive her Move #3: Half Nelson a plant, o r something linked to Move #5: Cheap Tilt W\\'F's Guide to Dating, or: crazy. See what you can get her to Use her insecurities to a memory you share. Even an Use me art of pretend to 1 to Pin a Woman Like the trade for the information/pres- your advantage to make her empty bottle of alcohol will work manipulate her emotion . . (i.e. me). Note to novices: ent. Try to think of something to vulnerable. with the most unsuspecting tar- Practice a convincing inno- only those who fall into one give her or tell her before she has Publicly announce that you gets. This move reflects your ere- cent-little-boy look, this goes best 1 nore of the fo llowing begin an aneurism. believe all women to be lacking ativity, willingness to commit, with ruffled hair and the illusion categories: short, frequently Move/: 2: Basic Head Lock some magical element you always desire to take care for something, of being confused and out-of- -naked, of legal age but less Lie. Know everything. Or thought they had, some "je ne and the need to share life. This is control. 1 twent), owning one or more at least be able to convincingly sais quoi". This move engages the very advanced. In case of sepa- Pretend to hate her for and body enhancements, includ Jbut not limited to, fingernails, make it up. interest of enterprising young ration, get photos taken with it then be verv nice. Guilr trips Make up some horrible, women, who'd like to prove you and announce the need to "stay always pay off. 1 or hair color; irn.ecure, and/ depressing, false fact about your wrong. together for the kids." Pretend to have lost some- ul11 ble. Anything else is like a life and confess it to her. Say Insult her and bring her When buying her presents, thing and need cheering up. time weightlifter attempting )Cnch-press his own weight. something like, "I've never been down to your lowest level of self- give her a combination of themes Tell her you've only got 24 able to feel comfortable enough esteem. Start out slowly and work (i.e. lingerie and a barrel of mon- hours lo live. ntuallr you may be able to to tell anybody that before you." up to several 1ingers a day; even- keys, cherry flavored lube and a Move #6: The Double Leg k up to older, smarter women, Now she feels special, and thinks tually she'll be so desperate for a child's board game, benwa balls Ride Pin rnavbe e\·cn redheads. Move;;}; Snatch Single she's good for you. kind word, she'll do nearly any- and a sesame street punle). By Utili1e her competitive side Make yourself seem more thing. offering an adult gift and a child's to get her where you want her. Once \"OU set your sights on important by adding a title, Fling the word "love" around gift it downplays your dirty Keep score during flirting 1~get, me hc:r up and bring Ill. .\1.D., PhD, Esquire, The Second, like a pair of cheap \\'al-Mart desires and makes them look and verbal sparring (i.e. Grant: L\e small amrnals to lure Third, Fourth, or of Luxly work panties. Say it to everyone, for naughty or pla) ful. It 's a fine line OI; Dana: 03). Alwavs let her win, nicely (i.e. "You'\'e reached Grant everything. This will drive her between pedophile and innocent, but don't be afraid to take awm 'nen. Lsed 'luffed ammals as Stephen Plant of Luxly, the to want you to mean it the most so tread carefull y. points. st resort. L sc Bonsai Kittens if ' like the scary, goth1c type. Use fourth. Leave a message at the when you say it to her. Repeat after me: " I learned Accuse her of trying to kill lloCat for the .illergy prone. tone."). Express your open lo\'e for everything about love and wo111en Adopt a fake, yet com incing other men. Wear eyeliner every from my Grandmother." SEE DATING PAGE 2 1 18 THURSDAY. DECEMBER 9. 2004 SPORTS Meat Loaf Kill • George Steinbrenner Weightlifter Dies to Bad Musi hea,·e in and out." the smaller man that it di ...... TRAVIS T. MAJESTY Volt speculates, with hi reallv matter who got to use Buys Baseball Club EXCRE:.MENT WRITER minimal but sufficient Clen \\eights first, he onlv wished ment on this pos ihility and ~!arty l\latheson died on tific knowledge, that extremely he would be "more ensitiv MIKHAIL MCCALE had this to say: "Georgie's not December 4•h in the ~!SU weight intense butterfly curls promote his needs and listen good EXCREMENT WRITER moving to Montana. Georgie's room while domg bench presses grow1hs near the armpits of mvs The small man told the big \Vith half of hi teJm being get tin' mad!" without a spotter. Hi favorite tenous, large, endorphin tor that he hJd flabby thighs. T investigated for steroid use An official within the song came on, bv !eat Loaf, age sacks that release at random. goliath r,111 a\\J\. On the and the other half hastily fired Montana State athletics depart and once the chorus kicked in, That is what concerns \'olt, not curl machine across from tlu after this year's playoffs, George ment was contacted to inquire ~ latheson was so exhausted knowing what provokes them. o two, a heavyset mJn was writi Steinbrenner, owner of the ew how the $200 million would from singing that he let the bar he went to his phvsician. J poem. Peering o,·er the mai York Yankees, made a startling be spent. The official, who fall on his head, crushmg him. These large men are not shoulder, Henderson read it move last week when he ilis wished to remain anonymous, Friend and lifetime lifting meant, according to Dr. Kwak was about the death of true k b<1nded his enllre organization re ponded, "The money will partner, Raul Tyler, fir~t indig Hender on, to be so en ·itive. and childish innocence. and purchased the Montana State most likely be used to build nantly declared that it was "his Not onl} are the\ an incred Perhaps the mo t d1stw University baseball club. a new football stadium." The own damn fault" for lifting ible threat to their own per ing account, though, ''as ol After negot1auons with official was then reminded that without a spotter. He should sonal safetv, but thev are al o a man th,ll Henderson met m t the )\!SU athletics department, the University built a new foot han· known better. dreadful imposition on others. Cardio-room. Trev Gordon 11 Steinbrenner agreed to pay $200 ball stailium not long ago and At Matheson 's funeral, Tyler Imagineifvou on one of1 miUion for the club, more than the that the baseball club would sang "! \\'ould Do Anything had to watch a "This sort of existential stat1on a Yankee's entire payroll last season. need a stadium to play in, he For Love" and did something man the size angst is inexcusable for a bicvcles, stl In a pre s conference following the then added, "Other than our he had never done before. He of a hor e get man so physically fit and deal, Steinbrenner was asked how women's volleyball team, our sobbed, as he later said, "like a all soft and handsome." he expected to come up with that football team is the best team issy girl." start to sing sion sets kind of money. He responded, we have. I mean seriously, they Upon further investiga an awful song. - Dr. Kwak Henderson front of h "\\'hen you don't have to be writ finished over .500 this year. If tion by officer Sam Volt, Tyler See, these men and peddli ing checks to Pay-Rod or that cry we don't spend more money on was forced to change hi mind. aren t used to lethargica baby Jeter, you have a lot of mone; them, they might go play some Volt noticed something peculiar such sentimentalit\, so theY are A. Henderson ~at next to hi to throw around." where else and we don't want to about the pectoral muscles of very naive as to what is tasteful Gordon introduced himself Word that Steinbrenner was lose them." Matheson and Tvler. They ,,·ere and what i not. a "hapless, wean: \agabond disgusted with his team after a Steinbrenner has already huge. \'olt asked Tyler what his Henderson went into the a soulles~ modern world." humiliating playoff loss to the made comments leading many favorite exerci e was. He aid, weight room ,,·ith Volt one day turned and stared dismalh· at Boston Red Sox (the Red Sox later to believe he will run the "Butterfly curls, man. How do to observe the problem. He was telension set Jgain. ,,·ent on to win the \Vorld Series) Confederates much like he ran you think l got these babie ?" shocked at how much greater the "This sort of ex1sten spread through the sporting world the Yankee . In an interview To get more information, conundrum was than \'olt had angst is inexcusable for a rr quickJy. with the Bozeman Comical he Volt went undercover as a first purveved. There was a man o physicallv fit and handso Steinbrenner has long been hinted at the idea of bringing weight lifter. He noticed a trend. throwing out hi back in one cor Henderson sighed later. known for his short temper and players from around the MLB ~!en that did excessive butterfly ner with incredibh· wift sit-up , Henderson has made it his eccentric management style. lo spruce up the teams line-up. curls were prone to unnatural sobbing m·er a credit card denial. life's goal to cure these meQ Everyone exlJected him to react to So when you're strug sensitivity. On the other side of the weight their peculiar psychological l the season by firing much of his gling to stay awake through "These huge men \\ere not room, two men were in a heated ment. He has \'olt to thank staff but no one saw this coming. that three hour chemi trv lab, only inging along with Enya. argument over who was to use the the introduction, but now m Steinbrenner could not be reached don't be surprised when you're but were calling up the radio ta onh pair of 55 lb . dumbbell.. make great strides to correctJ for comment; however, his close partnered with former Red Sox t ion to request it," \'olt remem The argument reached its problem. He conclude>, " friend Donald Trump contacted Pedro /l.lartinez. After a.II, he is bers. "It ''as kind of gross, too, climax when the larger man, should be allowed to have ge the Excrement for no apparent our new starting pitcher. w,1tching their mJmmoth pees tears welling up in his eves, told pees without that -;en itivnv: rea on. "George is an amazing leader, he has done amazing PAVE'S WSHi - OFF MAi"' things with the Yankees in the Extra::rdinaiy Susli-~A-res past, and I expect him to do amazing thinp with this te.tm rvtrday-1lus::lay 11an-~ ,1s well," Trump said. Frday-&iuday 11 an -1(prl Steinbrenner has made no specifiL announcements regard * \kAOO Bazerrm's Best Sush * ing "here or e\·en ho" the team will compete. It is unlikeh that 115 N 8azanai Al.al..S he would expect ,1 college team to 55&1351 be able to pkn ,1g,1111st profcssion .1ls in the 1\ILB, but then again, he h.1s been known to do some prem Great gag gifts, lr.lL)' things in the p.1't. Yankees publil rel,itions offa:er George !k bachelorette &bachelore treats, ( 'ostan1.1 worked for Stembrenner adult novelties, posters, games & more! li.ir a number of years ,rnd '"b /\\\. more th,111 "illing to sh,1re wnh us sOml' ot his memories of the BOHART RANCH tyrannic.1l O\\ ne1. CROSS COUNTRY SKI CENTER "There \\Js ,1 stretd1 of timt• Ski Clas5 , when .111 he ",111ted to eat w,1s c,1l1ones. !he gm is nuts," .,,1id *NO f:XTRA FEE: RE. LllRE:D *HHD 2o1 l llS t,111/ ,I Rumors h.n t' .1bt1 been circu SKATE TECHNIQUE l.11ing th,ll the tt-.1m "ill rem,1in FRIDAYS in ;'.. hint.mJ. \n inside sourct' re\ e.1led tlut :--1einb1 t·nne1 1' CLASSIC TECH~IQ"CE tOihidcrms di.111sing th~ n.une 1>f the te.1111 to the ,\ lontan.1 ~~ {! t Dnf'.:dt•r.1k,, .1 bl.1t.1n1 ,11 tt•mpt tn 'epa1-.1k the k.1m J' far ,h I''" sihlt fwm ht, 1ltsgr.1cdul ).mkees. ~~ Gallatin Vallev Mall ~ t (>st.Ill/Al \\Js .1lso ,1,ktd h> com i-itx1' 1'<' f()()1'1.."c"i" jr Se2·'f'f-f'f SPORTS THURSDAY, DECEMBER 9 , 2004 19 'The NFL In Montana: 'Cats Make Fools of 49ers
starting a brawl that would make CHAD MCNAD Detroll Piston fans proud. After EXCREMEN- WRITER the situation was controlled-and mam fans thrown out for kick ""'* photo by Charhe Marlie The 1st annual Budweiser Get ing some multi-million dollar 'nthorn poses with his broom, and "best.friend" He'd thought Your Ass Kicked Bowl started and ass-the teams chilled out for 15 ng it in competition but decided to have it bro11zed imtead ended with a bang this past week minutes, ate some oranges, drank • 'ursmg on the off-season, wa~ end at Bobcat Stadium . some Gatorade and returned to TINUEDFROMPAGE 17 in the area. "I ju~t hear the call In a f"clled up situation for the field. ~>·The deliH•n·of an ao:om of the hero, and I couldn't help the 'JfL, the San Fr.rncisco 49ers MSU continued on its route (1 curler \\Ill demonstrate but see if there \\"as something tra\·eled to Bozeman only to get in the 3rd quarter, with Justin itt' timing in pre"ing for I could do,'' he said. their throttled by our Bobcats. In Domineck rushing for 89 of his rthc 44-pound stone. At the \lorlenthorn asses~ed the wh,l! wa' to become a new tra 1-6 \ards in the quarter. nt of release the curler 1s in situation and found the bomb dition on campus, the first NFL Rattay rattled off another t balance and a slight twist to he made out of a Radioshack team to lose ten games in a sea five consecuti\·e completions and ed to the handle to produce vacuum robot. with an explo son would travel here to pla) us started to look as if he would lead tion about 1 1/2 times. si\·e device ~trapped to it. The of course, onh· during seasons in the '9ers lo their first scoring drive 1·ecping is the unique fea \'acuum wa~ designated to which we miss the playoffs. of the game. f rnrling which allows a explode when it ran out of The game began with Ricky On 2nd and 7 at the Cats' ·'s teammates to brush the debri~ to suck off the ground. Gate\\ood shredding through the 18, Rattay thre1' O\·er the middle front of the slid111g stone Mortenthorn grabbed the '9er kickoff unit to a game-open to \\'R Brandon Lloyd, who was "'it to go further. Effecti\·e nearest broom and was able to mg touchdown, even dragging then straight !Ce-grilled by LB ing, which can lengthen a keep the hazardous homehold inept corner t.like Adams for 10 Brandon Eggart. Lloyd fumbled, s journey b\ over I 0 feet appliance occupied until the )ards into the endzone. the '9ers' fifth turnover of the eterm111e its final destina- bomb squad could arrive. San Fran QB Tim Rattay game, and had to be carted off is a function of judgment " lt was like I was on auto began the game on fire like Lloyd the field. xpericnce. Coincidently, pilot, but then again, I've never Banks, completing his first seven The 49ers completely fell tenthorn's skill with sweep felt so alive," said Morten thorn, passes. Fortunately, the eighth apart in the 4th quarter, as the whal made a hero. "not since the first time I laid ended up in the arms of LB Roger student section started showing he explosi\·c deYice was hand~ on the thick timber of Cooper, who did the San Fran their drunkenness and chanted ed to authoritie~, and the handle of a well made bris defense a favor and kept the MSU "Who's Your Daddddyyy" even thorn, who's majoring 111 tle-brush." offense off the field by returning though Pedro "Sou JG lo" Martinez the INT straight to paydirt to put was nowhere to be found. the Cats up 14-0. The 49ers were able to squeeze Cat QB Travis Lulay, 13-14 in a field goal late in the 4th quar for 28- yards and 4 TDs, didn't ter, eventually losing 3-52. throw his first pass until halhvay \\hen asked about the embar through the 2nd quarter. By that rassing loss, 49er coach and MSU time, ,\ISL was cruising 28-0. alum Dennis Erickson stated, "It A~ the 2nd quarter dre\\ to a feels really good to see the passion close, frustration took the 49crs on th1-, .:ampm and this 'tadium. O\·cr. After Eddie Sulll\ ,111 caught I mean, sure, 1t wa> ,1 terrible loss his fourth pas' or the game, an but that's "hat the Yorks 49er u111dentitied person from the owners arc p.H'ing me S2.5 mil 9er sideline thre\' a cup of beer lion per year for. b,1b' !" al Su Ill\ an. \\'hi le Eddie didn't Regrettably, the \.FL will make much of it, the MSL stu soon announce that the} will dis dent section treated the situa cont111uc the bowl. Someth111g tion like the) were at the VIBE about not being able to profit off 7:05PM awards, burnrushing the field and their embarrassment. Valley tee Garden EC. 17th 1Ounce Beer $2 from fr lpm Please Drink Responsibly Then apply now to be part of The EXPONENT staff! i 4Tickets, 4Pensis, 1Popcorn & The EXPONENT is now hiring for the ' OSt·Game Skate With The ICEDOGS 2 0 0 5 Spring Semester! $25 Positions available for both writers and editors. For more information call Angie at 9 9 4 - 2 2 24 Cd/I For 'Ticl:ets Etlrly! SBS-1415 or stop by the Exponent Office at I 3 0 5 SUB to pick up
1: . This is called Reverse Psychology. ENT an apphcation. 1~ ln'tworry, you are not the only one who fell for it. 1 20 THURSDAY. DECEMBER 9, 2004 SPORTS Montana TV: Sporting Good !!ali:~EN:~~,~~:;~:;~~~~~~~~;g;; What YouNeedto WinatMS EXCREMENT \II.· RITER cabin that is quintessentially follows with a close second. Once t-.lontana and built specifically KILEY O'REILLY Climbing offers lots of "a"' Gear up for the big time. for the purpose of housing twelw again, you can buy new for about because it can be done inside EXCREMENT WRITER That's right, l\lontana's finally single, criminally sexy 20-some 800. ow you may be starting rock, or on ice. Howe\·er, ea got its very own reality television things. Cameras will adorn every to think that you can carry some type, of course requires its a. show, "Reality l\lontana," and it nook and cranny, and the house The University will tell equjpment over, such as your gear. Climbing doe tend to needs a dozen genuine outdoor will bear a striking re emblance you that it costs about $2500/ skiing helmet. Don't be fooled, cheaper than act1\ 1t1es dun enthusiasts to fill the cast. to a movie set. Expect cramped semester to go to school here, you're going to need a separate, the first two years because moo Ever been skiing? Maybe hik living quarters, designed specifi but they forget to tell you about water-proof helmet for kayak tends to be tighter vour 11111$ ing? Or perhaps you've driven cally to arouse irritability among the "gear" charge. That' right, ing. ow, if you want to kayak in and senior Year as mom andd by some pretty rugged-looking the guests. if you want to go to school here, any of the months not including pull in the funds a bit. I 'VOi! terrain on the way to that wine On that note, cameras will you need the right gear. ow, late June, July, and August, you're budget about $500. However,t tasting party/jazz festival? Perfect. capture the action 24-hours a day, the gear varies by season and by going to need about $300-$400 sport doe take training and OI! Actually, if you've so much as seen so there's no need to time your age, but you're all going to need more worth of equipment (dry mastered, offer a whole 111 mountains, even from a distance, annoying antics - .iust let them it. I'm going to break it down coat, dry shirts, wet suit, etc.). level of "image" that you you'll probably do fine. come as naturally as possible. Not for you, so that each of you can Now with the skis and the kayak, don't want to miss out on. Cold weather preparedness surprisingly, tempers will flare, make proper purchases at the you're going to need a car rack to Finalh· senior year JU is a must, as this is none other tensions will rise, and vicious proper time. This is pertinent carry all this gear. around. This vear encompasi than l\lontana, quite possibly the argument will ensue. Violence information for completing You may be starting to think the non-skiing mountain el( coldest, harshest and most hard- isn't permitted, of course, bur the your college degree, and J sug- that this i getting a little pricey rience. Gear needed mcllX core place on the planet. Braving camera crew will be on hand to gest you pay attention. for a poor college student, but, a mountain bike, now sho the elements takes strength and record that ever elu ive, but much First of all, you obviously hey, you chose to go here, and intense camping and hiki willpower - no pansies allowed. sought after, bitch-slap. need skiing gear. No, )'Ou can't these simply are the require gear (including enough for So, the question is: do you look Casting will begin next year, just rent. If you're the renting ments. Yes, all the money f\1SU least a week-long venture a111 positively sporting in that jacket and applications are currently type, then you're at the wrong college students spend on sport from ct\>ihzat1on). Yes, this JI of yours? And is that jacket name being accepted. When applying, school. Here, we're die-hard ing equjpment each semester branche out a bit as you gn brand and decently expensive? be sure to include a color photo skiers and buying i the only could feed everal African coun- bevond vour "image" of earl Excellent. graph that clearly illustrate your option. Skiing equipment can tries for the next couple of years, days into the maturit\ of Myriad rigorous act1v1 ties face, frame, and, ahem, features. be expensive, so this can be but that's the cost of living in almost college graduate. Thii are planned for the participants, Also, be sure to mark vour weight, \'O ur freshmen year purchase. such a "sporty" town. no time to skimp. Your bike aio including extreme mountain bik height, cup size, sexual preference If you want to buy new and By junior year, vou\·e will cost $5,000, and that is OI ing, extreme kayaking, extreme and religious affiliation on the don't have any gear, I'd plan acquired the right gear to be the beginning of the gear. Yot bird-watching, and a whole host application. Participants must be to pay at least SI ,000. You can accepted in most circles. You need this stuff to full\ e x~ of other totallv extreme, totally of legal drinking age (for insur bur used for much cheaper, but have enough gear now (particu ence all that is senior-hood. hip, and totally commercialized ance purposes, of course) and plan to shop around. Oh, and lary the \'err showy car r.ick) to I hope \'OU have paid atll outdoor pursuits. no formal education is neces don't forget your season pass earn vou date· and friends. tion. Gear for your sports can Don't worry if you\·e ne\•er ,ar,•. English speakmg skills are for at least $500. Junior year, we mo\·e 111to ven complicated and vouredif actual]\- done ,my of these things, required, and fancy Euro-accents 1 O\\ the skis were obYious, climbing, a sport quickh gain t10nal experience will be in jct since chances are, the viewers are a plus. but don't think thatyou'redone. ing intense popularity in ard1· if vou don't get this ~ won't have a clue. Besides, do Re,1lity \lontana is a wel Sophomore vcar, it's best to Bozeman.(l\ext Year it ma\' sur- P,11 tuition, go to cla~. but i.t you actually think the show will come addition to an underde\·el pick up a water sport. Kavaking pass w.lter sports as the sopho importanth, be out-door~v. focus on the actiYities? Talent isn't oped segment begging for more is the most popular, but rafting more gear of choice sport . are after all a student at ~!SU important here; desire, motivation of the same. It promises to be a and lust are all that count. Jmt put winning combin,ltlon of breath on your prettiest smile ,md the t,1king ~1ontana scenery, intense producers will do the rest. outdoor ,1ction, heart-war111111g In addition to the \·aricd rcq dr,1111a, and of .:ourse, sc,1thing Women's Baskketball vs ... ui,ik outdoor skills, teamwork gossip. "Re,1hty :".. lontana" will air > Rocky Mountain College: Fri, December 10 @ 7:05 pm MS .111d the abilit\ to get along with \\'ednesd,1ys on FOX. >Texas State: Mon, December 20 @7:05 pm Ski D >Eastern Washington: Thur, January 27 @ 7:05 pm* at >Portland State University: Sat, January 29 @ 7:05 pm* >University of Montana: Sat, February 12 @ 7:05 pm* Bridg >Northern Arizona University: Thur, February 17 @ 7:05 pm* >Sacramento State: Sat, February 19 @ 7:05 pm* Bow >Weber State: Thur, March 3 @ 7:05 pm" >Idaho State: Sat, March 5 @ 2:05 pm* Pat Kearney Men's Baskketball vs ... will be >University of Wisconson - Green Bay: Sat, December 11 @ 7:05 pm > MSU Northern: Fri, December 17 @ 7:05 pm autographing >Northern Colorado: Sun, December 19 @ 2:05 pm his book >San Jose State: Tue, December 21 @ 7:05 pm Bring b >Montana Tech: Wed, December 29 @ 7:05 pm your Ii detailing >Sacramento State: Thur, January 20 @ 7:05 pm* >Northern Arizona University: Sat, January 22 @ 7:05 pm ticket a the history of >Idaho State University: Thur, February 3 @ 7:05 pm* ski fo Cat-Griz >Weber State University: Sat, February 5 @ 7:05 pm* >University of Montana: Sun, February 13 @ 2:05 pm* $1 football rivalry >Portland State University: Thur, February 24 @ 7:05 pm· >Eastern Washington University: Sat, February 26 @ 7:05 pm* Indoor Track & Field ... >December 9-10: MSU Multi and Combined Events Invitational >January 10-11: MSU Multi and Combined Events Invitational >January 21 : Montana State Open Wednesday, December 15th >January 28: MSU Dual Scoring Invitational 11 :00 am - 2:00 pm >February 11: MSU Dual Scoring Invitational >February 18: Montana State Open t N M5tJ' :SOOKSTOR:E c * Big Sky conference game STUOENT FAClA.JY OWNED SINCE 1931 All games plaved at Worthinqton Arena. Show One-Ca 1d at door for entry. SPORTS THURSDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2004 2 1 Dating: Getting Girls Is Like rawling All Over a Sweaty Man, Without Risk of Cauliflower Ear GREAT OUT DOORS: sorr). I thought vou were Nancy." NTINUEDFROMPAGE 17 For the football fan: ways to Much Better Than In Doors According to Polls so she'll want to bring read your potential mate, just by cake. tug on the out doors, and divide ticipate in the sport is at the putling a ball in her hands. Never KAYLOR TAILER Create a super-hero alter ego, trust her with any other kind of ~ the number who actually do by beginning of each semester, or EXCREMENT WRITER mah her your arch nemesis. skm until you see what she does the total number of people at the during times when lots of visi Move #7: Gut Wrench with a pigskin. end of designated time period. To tors are on campus (MSU Friday, What to do when things don't If her throw has yards but is Many people share a pas make it even more challenging, etc.). These are prime times when ]Did you know that you are a share holder/owner of the MSU Bookstore and can affect Bookstore policies?
This means that your input in vital to the managers and the Board of Directors. Express your views about how the Bookstsore operates. Meet the Board Members and managers. GETINVOLVED! SHOWYOURINTEREST!
ANNUAL MEETING OF THE CORPORATION
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2004 SUB 275 I2:oo P.M. - I:oo P.M.
The Board of Directors and Bookstore managers will be present to hear your comments. Your participation is encouraged and welcomed.
1\.1.l: s -u o o:Ees· J: ·oJ:=<. E: STUDENT./:a OVVNED SINCE 193'1 FACULTY 22 FEATURES THURSDAY. DECEMBER 9. 2004 Stiletto Omega Phi Introduces New Line of Useful Shoes New Stilettos Al ow You To Run, Relax, Swim, and Walk on Ice or on Sa ~ JULIA GULIA the holid.1y EXC.RLME."Jr WRITLR drinking ::-.Cd SOil. b en prop a g1 rl h.i- ,hoe' T h c lor l'\ en llcc,1s1nn. .)hopping .l d d ui 'hoes, d.ltl' ,}we,, school shol', 0011 U \ bnl\\ n .md b:ack formal ,hoc,, of the and ,,1su,1l shoL' to n,1mc a fc\1. no m.11 I fowc\ er, m ~ lont.1r,1, "'metune' th rec .1 g1 r nel•ds ~hl'l'' for ,1 bw,1dL'1 i n '- h selcd10n ol CH.Ills h t' c I 1 hat\ \\In ~l!lctto Omega g i \ l s Phi h.1' coml' <'ut "1th .1 ne\' line HlU ,t of sllllL'' tlH ' wt met your need for t:1c.:e~. Stilettos in ,111\ situ.Ilion. The "'>port Stiletto" P1rst l)!l tht• rum,,1\, \\e'll be nm1es m st'\ eral ..:olors introducing the "kc Stiktt,)," just ''1th three stnpes down in time lor the i..:t th.11 ..:o\ers the the side 'o that HlU c.lll per· (\llnpus at ~ISL'. lmtead of look fedh matd1 1nth \Olli sport\ ing like a drunk girl on Kt skates top .md sp.rndex slwrts or .:.1pns for the first tune. \OU can walk jw.t remember not to swe.lt too around ..:.1mpus \1 ith the gra.:c much it distr.lcts from your owr and style of ,1 sornntr girl. all "look" heel The "In Stilt:ttn" comes com :--\0\1, \\'t' kill)\\ th.11 some of of .1 plete with s<.:rl·\, 1n spikes, tweh·e you en101 kic.11 hot springs with Stiletto 1s small spikl'S for tht toe .rnd one rnur friends during the winter easily lost m large spike for the hed. The spikes Jlll)nths and we cspc..:ialh don't sand, we\·e u·e,ttcd .tret'\ls\· and qu1ek to rcmo\·e when \\ .rn t \'OU to lose the "figure the "~and Stiktto you enter a building and keep mu enhancement" offered bv Stilettos Attachment." This stead) on the worst patch of ice. when \'ou're \·enturing out 111 a attachment 1sas,rnd Each sp ike 15 shiny s1her and adds b,1thing suit. The "Bik1111 Stiletto" colored and textured to the glamour of your Stilettos. has a mesh bod) with a ..:ork heel base that an) Stiletto 1 ext, we '\'e created the "Sport and sole. This allows for quick can be attached to. It allows \'OU to Stiletto Omega Phi's Ice Stiletto - Stiletto designed/or use: on iu Stiletto." T his tiletto has a rubber drYing after a dip in the pool. T he walk on the beach with grace. The (also ~ffecti·ve as a SOff<'f' dmt). J.5 inch heal ·with lJ total e.1.ry sole that won't mJrk up polished "Bikini Stileuo" is offered in a heel of your Stilettor screws into screw- in spikes. Reorda spikes 011 page 22. A·r.•ailahli• 111 patm/ wood fl oors. It also provides the variety of colors so you rnn prop the fla t base which acts like a flip leather black, red, andpink. ize 5-11. Winter Sale Itm1 89. 99. cushion and upport that you erly coordinate with each bikini. flop, adj usting to the contours of Originally Sll 9. 99 need when out power-walking off Some of you will be travel the sand. Because the base blends those extra pounds put on during ing to the beach O\er Ch ristmas in with the and (don't worry, it's and we don't want aYailable in several shade of sand "Variable tiletto" can be adjusted the "Variable tiletto." to O\'er look the from white to dark sand), no one bv remote control to adjust the Final!}, in the interest of >u~ complications will e\'er ee it. Ther will man·el height of the heel. Thi tiletto porting a relaxing holida\ breal of sand. at your ability to \1all with grace is particular!\- handv for women we will be introducing the"Sli p~ Be ca use even on the sand. This is also a over 5'6" who find themselves tiletto." This shoe is designed t h e great tool for beach \'Olle\'ball, frequenth· towering O\'er mam the utmost in comfort and fi n e allowing you to pla)' for hours in men when sporting their fa\'orite be used for e\'ening' b\ the fut comfort and style. tiletto. This Stiletto allows mu to breakfast in \·our pajama' Iii On a more tradition.ti note, shrink to the perfect two inches relaxing afternoons. You neve we're embracing a ne\1 e\·eq - shorter than the man of mtcrcst \\ant to be caught \1 ithout \ OU day Stiletto. This Stiletto \\ .JS at a moments notice. Don t m.1ke Stiletto.; vou neYer kntm who WI. m~pired hr 1\/ellc ( Porti,1 those men feel inad stop b\ or glanct• m n1ur w1ndoY DcRoss1 from Ally equate-bu\ The ""hppt>r Stiletto ., lino \ILBe.11. Tht> \\1th lur ,111d '11,1'~,1ges \OU feet as \ ou \\ alk l '1t lllll 1d i, (t)\ ercd 111 pink. purple ni ur to n1.1h.h '' ith ro
wns m,tkt' be.tut\ ,1 po"1l> II\ Ill ,111\ situ.11inn ,l!lJ \\l m.1ke vour fa,h1t1n l'•>nl n.lling mu.:h k" 'tre ,(1 r.1sh1on has finalh slt'l'J'l'd u to 1our needs. Don't le.'! '°' ,1di\ 1tie' slo\I HHI dO\\ n. Lrh o the utmlht of f.i-hton 111 eve!" thing \OU do. shop at -.. uletl Omcg,1 Phi.
Stiletto Omega Phi's port Stiletto - .rl tiletto dnig•wl/or your dai{} -.c-irkout co 1plett· with rubber 1 soks, extra imkl,· support iwd racing stripc·s Jo malih "• o real stilettos were harmed Ill the making of this article. yo1tr}n·orh.•,• workout g<·ar. 1.5 inch ht11I. .rJ.rnilaNe. 1'1 bl~d.. with whitt' stripts, ml with whitt Jtript» p1~1k with white stripes, and white with black stripts. Sru 5-11. $139. 99 FEATURES THURSDAY, DECEMBER 9 , 2004 23 ;reat New Movies Released at Christmas lark Releases His Own Feature about Film Critic
TRAVIS T. MAJESTY ing Ken Burns experience, leav ing and reassembling a part of ing the audience breathless with the text to film and is making no his stell ar pam across still images artistic or historic achievement. Christmastime for film-lovers and an alluring voice-over by Therefore, "The Mania of the e ... Christmas. As in the sum- Matt Damon. The picture was Apostle" is one shot of Mel o month~. there arc a profound made to compete with Oliver in a chair by a gas fireplace hbcr of wonderful films that Stone's "Alexander." Although, reading the book of Acts. cnt1c, Clarky, r in theaters all around the Burns admits that he was unable Michael Bay and Terry as he watches movies, writes ntrr This holiday season, I'm to find enough information on Bruckheimer are, of course, about them and prints the articles cially excited. Alexander to make his film nearly bombarding us with another in a student newspaper. The film First, in the doc.umentary as long as Stone's. witty and entrancing psycho draft of the script was entitled takes a turn, though, when a psy , •gory, :\ficheal :V1oore 1s com John Woo will dazzle us again logical thriller. "Slow Motion "The Narcissus," mostly because chiatrist discovers that Clarky is r:vut with a more.sensitive film with his amazmg bullet point-of Christmas" opens Christmas he intended to cast himself in incapable of liking a film. He has 1 anr he ha~ ever made. It's view shots and his never over Eve. \Ve all thought Carrot Top this autobiographical feature. He to hide his identity from the news d "Preaching to the Choir." used, though somewhat enig went away, didn't we? Well, he's thought better of it, though, and paper because he loves to write :. an autobiographical look matic, dove metaphors. The film back and has a new goal in mind. was able to cast close friends Todd the reviews. Clark actually makes documentary filmmaking is accordingly entitled "Bullets He wishes to be an action star. Van Der Ark and Louise Rainone a cameo as an asexual friend, a J the difficult time one might and Doves." \\'oo confesses that He's shaved his head and is star in the leading roles. He was able role he wished not to play, yet was , avoidmg the temptation to the script was not exceedingly ring alongside Tom Cruise and to trick them into showing up forced to when the original actor t trite little facts, even when long, in fact it was based on a Nicholas Cage in a horrifying on set for the two-week shoot by tragically had to shower and go to repen.ussions mean losing a poem written by a fo urth grader, attempt to dupe an audience into telling them that the Robin bar work at Game Stop. uder audience. but it allowed for ample time liking crap - I mean .. .it should be had been shut down. At the cast With the coming of these Also 111 the documentarv to improvise with cool, geeky pretty good. party, held in the Robin, Va n Der films and more, film lovers will tfgory, Ken Burns is mak effects. These are all terrifically excit Ark wept. not come out of the theaters for a film about Alexander the /\lei Gibson intends to make ing, but perhaps the most excit A subsequent draft of the weeks at a time. I, personally, .It that is opening in theaters another biblical feature. This time, ing news is that the Excrement's script was entitled "Popcorn in intend to trick friends into pay ember 15 1h. This is exciting though, he intends to embrace own Brian Clark has decided to ~ly Teeth." It is a sensitive look ing for my tickets. I would suggest ~- It should be another rivet- the fact that he is simply convert- finally make a feature. The first into the life of a small town film you do the same. Happy holidays. 2004 Vote Country-Westerned, Not Rocked As Originally Reported
~ ALEXADER PHILANDER are a lot of people who will make P. Didd,· then shocked audi EXCREMENT WRITER that claim." ences by changing his name for a A new study from the Chicago -4th time, referring to himself as A new stud)' was released this Institute of Arts and Sciences shows S. Daddy ~lcShizleton. week in which 1t was re,·ealed that that, as Jameson The '>tudy the vote was not, as originally suggested, this came to the "l think a lot of people thought, rocked. vear's vote did shocking con suspected that this elec· "People read that a record have an audibil clu~ion that tion wasn't going to get number of voters turned out for ity rating, but this vote had rocked, but it wasn't even this year's presidential election, that It wasn't Wells Fargo Salutes Sam Spencer. Winner in the rapped." thelowestaudi· w they automat1callr assume that rocked - not bi lit) rating Jells Fargo College Computer Sweepstakes from Dell. the YOte ''as rocked," said Ariel b' a long shot. S. Daddy McShizleton in American Congratulations! Jameson, spokesperson for Rock it '>lost experts fonnerly known as P. Diddy historr The Long and Rock it Hard, "But that are claiming only time that s1mplr wa5n't th.: case. It's obYious that the vote a ratmg this .... .~ The Next Stage now that Americans weren't silent was countq -westerned, although IO\\ was recorded anywhere in the on the issue, but \\3 WINNING TEAM! released in ,1 baffled l\lT\' inter vote was only mddh Chri'itmas Y1ew l\londLate '80s/Early '90s Making a Come-Back
JULIA GULIA a dancl' \ldeo )Us\ isn't going to now on you can we.tr loose, long ....EXCRl"MEN f \NRITEP do it for 1•ou, but Paul.1 Lan get tops with fun tics and belts. You the job done. An hour of mtensl' can wear tights, leggings, stirrup The world has reached crisis dancmg burns as many calories pants or wonderfulh· loose pants levels and 1b time to act. Before as an hour of slow running. You that go all the way up to vour Eminem can pain our ears any will learn gnarly (the lingo has to belly-button (who knew that\ more, before pants get so low and come back as well) mol'es for the where panb were 01iginallv made Abo'i'e and to the left, you can see thefilShions that will be retumin tight that underwear i., no lon dan..:e floor and get a workout. to sit?). And most imponanth, Bright colors, blacl::., and white are staples q(the late '80s.le11r~\' 9 wardrobe. Layering 1s key to establishing the casual, yc·t fun loo/.:. !tr ger an opt10n, and before yoga, Exertise' idl'o,, like am form )'OU can wear leg-\\ armers. pilates, and tai chi all combine of l'xercisl', come with their O\\ n Fin.ill)', the hair and make-up also necessmy to add a belt to t'i•e1:v ouifit. Blue or greai <)'e-sh11d07r pink rouge, and bright lipstick finishes qff any fool::.. Don't b,• le}: into some sort of ma,ochistic attire, and that brings us nicel\' of the earlv '90s will come back behind in thefashion world as this era returns. breathing and bending "exercise" to one of the most important with full force. Tim !ll long (and we're throwing in some late se1·eral routes. ti !en «111 wear as its poofy, slick, crimped, or Get You r '80s just for fun). Yes, that's right, hammer pants and tight white on-the-side, it works. Who can't the mo\'ement is starting now, so t-shirts (which can also be worn do poofy? Who can't tease? Who you better grab your leg warmers on a d;1ily basis) or spandex doesn't lOl'C a side-pony? The P. H . D. and get ready for some fun. tights with a t-shirt or match make-up is el'cn better. Throw First, we're bringing back ing spandex top . .\ s1\e,lt band is out vour Clinique and l\!ary Ka,· the music, along with dancing. absoluteh necessan. and head for the Bonne Rell and It's time for all of us to learn \\'omen ha\'e to wear spande\ tonightf \\'et'n Wild aisle. The more outra how to dance. Our high school - but not to worn, it comes in geous you look, the better; it's like dances were spent trying to many forms. Tights, pedal-push Halloween el'en day. If vou don't move to rap and boy bands that ers, or shorh with leotards (pref like the made-up look, not to don't lend themsel\'es to any sort {/'izza Hut Delivery} erabh "1th the thong back) and a worry, there were -aill some hip of movement, let alone dancing. belt is the most popular, but span pies hangmg around in the early 1'lich.1el Jackson (before his life dex bottoms "ith .1 hugel) 01-er '90s, and we expect that the\ 'II and face went to hell) will lead sized hhirt will work as well, if be making a comeback as well. this movement. vou have tall '>nunched white lniti.ilh, these older fashions seem FYcn·one will be required lo socks. outragous and u11.lltrJct11·e, but dance to "Thriller" and then we'll IxerLl'>C, howc\'er, isn't the tru~t me lad1e,, men lo\·e the 80' move on to other l~l\'oritcs "I like onl) are,1 that will sec ,1 rc:turn of look. ~omething .1bout turquoi'e to ~!me It," "I Sa\,. the Sign,'' .ind '80s and '90s f.1shion. Throw out .rnd bnght pink nc1cr 1:1i], to look "Girb Just Want 'fo H.l\'e Fun.' your tight p.1nts and belh-b.1r ;tunnmg. o more: grinding. '''ay111g, or ing tops. You don't haw to suffer !'urn off niur r.1p. to" out .11,·k '' .ird stt'pping on the danc.:e through rc,·c,1ling, tl10-tight fo'ib unc.:omiort.1hk clotht•,, gr.1h the floor. \\clcome ba.:k the drum ions that .ire made only for s11l' 2 ha1r-,pr.ff .rnd don't torgct your ni.11.:hines, '' nchwrnzers, and women ,1nymorc; sp.rndex is back leg warmer': the c.irh '90s h.1w ~ladonna. and spande\ is cnml(irtablc. From returned.! low totalh r.1d! $ $ Ou1 nC\t topic, excr.:ise, can help cm·er tht' dance arena as well. l n the t\H I) '90s, people h.1d fun exertising. Yes, that\ right, put I down )'Olli high protein, low carb \IFO!l\I I TOPPJ'\G lunch, set d01rn rnur gym bag and Pl/'l \ pull out the \'CR we Me return ing to the era of e\crcisc Yideos. You can find a wide 1 ariety of e\nc1se option' right in your °'*'«'/ cmrve moi ~I'll Good on T1WI n c..py own li1·ing room. Stc:p aerobics H;•1dT-"'P:wlim1 wc:re p.1rticularl~· popu1.1r and will be returning in full force. 1 lowel'cr, the number one exer cise 'ideo to make a return will be "Paul.1 Abdul's Get Up and Dancl'." It dol'sn't get much bet ter th.111 this, does 11? Some of you diehards may be thinking that FEATURES THURSDAY, D ECEMBER 9 , 2004 25 uly Shore Will Go Down In Movie and Television History when Pauly tried to teach the showed us that he wasn't afraid favorite crazy boy seems to have SAVORY AVERY so horrific. It all began with MTV's Weasel to a little Japanese boy? to shave off his crusty 'do. His disappeared off the face of the "Totally Pauly." That show will We all learned an important les acting chops were in top form for planet. Never fear Weasel fans, undoubtedly go down as a leg son that day: yo u dim-sum, you this film, too. Running around in because MTV's Major Dude endary television show. One weasel some. the desert kicking those Iranian will be back in his directorial debut "Pauly Shore is Dead: om even owns a comedy week, Pauly was on a pig farm, Pauly's true comic talent dudes' asses isn't easy. Being frea You'll Never Wiez in This Town How could this world sur the next week he was hitting the came to life in "Encino Man." He k.in' hilarious at the same time Again." This time around, Pauly without the incomparable streets of Paris. It was brilliant! busted onto the scene as Stoney, is nearly impossible, but Pauly is starring in his own film along Shore? Could you imag Pauly showed us all that curly and the world of acting was Shore managed to tackle every side the likes of Eminem, Snoop n entertainment industry afros and colorful grunge was changed forever. Women wanted thing. Dogg, Pamela Anderson, and id of the "Weasel?" l don't cool, and still managed to make him, and men wanted to be him. Pauly kept rock.in' the pants want to think of something time for the kids. Remember If it wasn't for Stoney's explicit off the big screen with "Jury Adam Sandler. The Weasel is descriptions of Duty." By far baa-ack! You better check it out the major food the coolest part bud-dy. groups, I never "Just when we all thought of that movie would have life couldn't get any better, was his little Pauly Shore's Movies EW This Season learned how to the weasel gods brought dog named Worst to Best eat a balanced us 'Son In law."' Peanut. Damn, diet. Who that dog was 1 - An Extremely Goofy knew Sweet really good at Movie tarts were part of the fruit group? Jeopardy! It was tough to decide Bro, no weizin' the juice! who was cuter: Pauly or Peanut. 2 - Casper Meets Wendy Just when we all thought life Pauly would probably win couldn't get any better, the wea because he poured milk and cot 3 - Jury Duty sel gods brought us "Son In Law." tage cheese all over his body in What is there to say about this one scene. Yummy. 4 - A Goofy Movie movie besides GENIUS? Pauly Last but certainly not least, Shore messing around with who could forget the unforget 5 - In the Army Now country folk and trying to milk table "Biodome?" Pauly got to a cow; a great script full of deli act with Stephen Baldwin, and dger Bowl is committed to ca rpoo Ii ng 6 - Bio-Dome an effort lo reduce traffic and lo help the environment. cious Pauly-speak, a great cast, they got to go crazy in a big plas and a farm. 'Vhat more could tic bubble. Plus, there was Kylie 7 - Son In Law now have a carpool parking area at the you ask for? Minogue and lots of nitrous The answer to that question oxide. Wait, maybe that movie 8 - Encino Man allatin County Fairgrounds for Bridger was "In the Army Now," an awe wasn't so rad after all... wl employees and guests. somely rad movie in which Pauly Since then, Hollywood's Bridger Bowl, the upper parking lot A will be limited vehicles with 2 or more occupants. Cars may not be overnight at fairground or Bridger lots. Gift Certificate nformation Win a$200 & Rentals to the MSU Bookstore! 587-2111 B 0 W L Remember to turn in your Needle in the Ads A WORLD CLASS COMMUN11Y SKI AREA Contest forms and one receipt from a · Seasonal locker Rentals "Needle Business" by 5:00 p.m. on Available in Saddle Peak lodge December 13th to the Exponent Office, located at 305 Strand Union Building. The Bridger Ski Bus will operate on Saturdays and Sundays and Bozeman school holidays including Spring Break on the following Relllelllber: schedule: 8:10 a.m. - departs McDonalds on Main Street • T h e October 14th issue DID NOT have a n eedle. 8:30 a.m. - departs Gallatin County Fairgrounds • T h e December 2nd needle was in the Moon & Petal ·1 4:00 p.m. - departs Bridger Bowl 4:30 p.m. - arrives at Gallatin County Fairgrounds Massage ad, but it was not visible. 4:40 p.m. - arrives al McDonalds on Main St. •Please list The Crystal Bar for the Fusser's Guide.
Season Pass ... $50 One-way ticket ... $3 Round-trip ... $5 ENT rhe Ski BUS will not operate on Christmas Day.
fhe Exponent newspaper is now hiring for a
For more information call Angie at 994 -2224 or stop by the Exponent Office for the 2005 spring semester. at 305 Strand Union Build\ng to pick up an application. 26 THURSDAY, DECEMBER 9. 2004 FEATURES New Classes to Be A Man's Recipe for Utopi Offered Spring 2005 GARRET FERRET All other use is slrictlv proh1b1ted. of it, must listen with com pa MLK I 01 3 er. - Intro to Klingon- Taught L11 Pre,1dent Gamble. E CR ~k Nl' WRITER Those who arc caught m offense to the answer. .\n mtroducton course to the language of Klingon that will cover basic to this statute "''ll be subject to Clause 4: Am person \·ocabul.ir1· and gr,1mmar \\ ith a focus on com·ersations 111 , tar Trek Let\ face it; the \\'Orld is a public whipping. mg "How are vou?" as a episodes. The class " -i ll also look into the culture of Klingon speakers l\\ isted place. There i' a per Section 3. "Talking" formality, without actuallv ,111d their rel,11ion to the surrounding uni1·erse. petual war 111 the j\ liddle East. There shall be no talking in ing, will be subject to imme Babies are having babies. People the men's bathroom. Only girls beheading. HHD 107 2 cr.-Age Identification and Basic Sexual Laws-Taught arc stan·ing ... and Oliver Stone talk in the bathroom. Anybodv Section 5. "Females" by local llate of deca1. If something i' Article II. (Language and allv be revealed. of these ages. Students will ka\'C being able to identif\ age appropri not done soon, ,111 will be lo.-.t. Interaction) Clause 2: Female per .lte sexual partners and knowing the la"'s regardmg these encounters So here ism\ prescription for a There shall be a protective shall be prohibited from u 11 . including an in-depth studv of the repercussions of their a.:tion~. new Ctop1.1. Herc 1s the tenta branch of the military to mon;tor makeup. ti\'e constitution: all inter-persoriill mteractions and Clause 3: Female pers MTA 441, Phil 441, Art 441, Mus 441 (non-education majors)- l Article I. (The Bathroom). use of language. .shall be prohibited from stu er. - How to Get a Job There shall be the imple Section 1. "Redundancy" their bras. This sem111<1r will teach students who have chosen degree. that mentation of a protective Clause 1: There shall be no Clause .+: Just to be ; 111 guarantee them unemplovment in their fields practical skills for find branch of the military whose more letter "Z." It is redundant. female persons \\ill be prohibi ing and keeping one of the manv entr)'-level jobs arnilablc. Basic cof sole purpose is lo moni Clause 2: All uses of the letter from wearing bras, or anv type fee-makmg, burger-flipping, construction, sales, Jnd !)•ping skills will tor behavior in public rest "Z" are banned and shall forthwith underwear for that matter. be taught. rooms. be replaced with the letter "S''. Article 3. (Miscellaneous) Section 1. "Vandalism" Section 2. "Soundtracks" Section l. "Drugs" Computer Science 206 3cr. - Dating, Society, and Wom en - This Clause l:Writingon bath Clause 1: All persons are All psychoactive subst class will teach b,1sic social skills, including peaking to women, color room walls shall be strictly required to select a soundtrack are legal. If someone choo. es coordination and fashion basics, phone skills, and conversation starters. monitored. The bathroom is for their life. Technology has spend their lives in a perpetti Reacting to outsiders, non-technical speaking skill , Jnd joke making the most structurally sound advanced to the point where stupor, that is fine. We alreadrha are topics also on the s\'llabu . A.JI computer science majors are required place in any building. A such, speakers and an l\.IP3 plaver can access to them annvar throllf to take this class before graduation. it i most likely to survive the be worn on the bodv as part of the government sanctioned dn apocalypse and be preserved the attire. dealers: the pharmacists. Bio 21 l, Chem 21 1 2 er. - Beyond cells and the Library- This class for millennia to come. After Clause 2: l\1y soundtrack is Section 2. "Steroids" is required of all biology and chemi try students in their junior and our society is destroyed by "The Imperial March" from Star Steroids are legal. Just abO senior years. It will map our routes from the library to various places the great consuming fire, we Wars. o one else can have it. It's every professional athlete u$ around town including restaurants, theaters, bars, and outdoor recre will want to make sure that mine. them anyway. \\'hy not let ation sites. Other skills covered will include respecting people of other the anthropologists of the Section 3. "Nam e Tags" go nuts with the stuff? major and dating outside your major. future have more to rely on Everyone has to wear nam Section 3. "Anthem" than "Some come here to sit etags. The Clash's "(White ~Ian) Arch 315 2 er. - Accepting Others - This class will be required of and think .. .'~ Section 4. "How Are You?" a Hammersmith Palais" is the nt ALL 2nd vcar architecture students (some will be required to take it Clause 2: If one must write Clause l: \\'hen a per on asks national anthem. multiple time until kills are mastered). This class will teach humbling on the wall, the work must "How are rou?" the questioned Section 4. "Christmas Break" techniques to enable architecture students lo shrink their big head offer insight into the funda mu t tell the truth. Anv person Clam,e I: "\\'inter Break" w enough so that the1 can exit CheeYer and sociali Le with other inter mental questions of existence asked must stop and give an hon be called what 1t is: Christm esting, intelligent, and talented people. (One or two exist outside of and pro\·ide an outstanding est answer. Break Cheever.) Professors will also be required to take this course. representation ot our cultural Clause 2: Anv person ,1 ked Clause 2: Evervone, indu heritage. "How are you?" must slate exacth ing state and federal emplov~ EDEL 463, HDCF 463, HHD 463 2cr. - Finding a Husband - This Clause 3: .\11 bathroom how thev really feel ,rnd the rea will be allowed to sa) ":\let class teaches seduung and dating techniques needed lo acquire money publications shall be sub1ect to son wh1. For example, 1f a person Christmas," "Happ}' Chanukaj making, Im ing husbands for to be stay-at-home mothers. Proper dress, peer reYiew before publication. is mad because his wife cheats "Happy Kwanza," or "·hate ,1 ttitude, and .,kills such a b,1king and se\' ing will be taught, as \\'Cll as Section 2. "Handicap Stalls" on him, he must say "I am pis.,ed your religious or non-relig10 lessons in wedding plannmg. One special lesson entitled "Getting him The h.rnd1capped stall 1., because my \\'ife l\\'n- t1111es me." affiliations inspire \'OU to sJ}I to pop the question," promises to be partl(ularv helpful. to be on!) us:C"d b\ those who Clause 3: An) person askmg ema1b, phone c;1Jb, nC\\ slett posses' ,1 .:ert1fiahle hand1.:,1p. "How are n)U?" or am \Miation .ind am publication the~· ,,·j~h;
FREE FILM SCREENINGS BAD EVERY OTHER TASTE SUNDAY FILM IN THE BAXTER ffl4Ml'B CLUB BALL - Blend academics with recreation - ROOM attend Summer Semester 2005 at 8 PM The University of Montana-Missoula You may register today and enjoy UM's relaxed campus atmosphere, BUY • SELL • TRADE innovative course offerings USED MUSIC AND MOVIES and exciting outdoor activities • CULT CLASSICS • COLLECTIBLES • SPECIAL INTEREST • IMPORTS To request your free Summer Semester Catalog PRICES FAR BELOW RETAIL or to obtain more information, visit -EXPERIMENTAl -HARDCORE ""110 AllCOITO ART ROCK '°'lll\ It\ MASTl!R montanasummer.com or call 406.243.4470 NOISE METAL R 011111~ AVANT GARDE DEATH INDUSTRIAl I RI I J \l.l. GRINDCORE HOiftOR THRASH -MOVIES & fllM PUNK CULT CWSICS CAMP FOREIGN A~lR~~ DOCUMENTARIES SAMURAI 28 W. MAIN • 7A KUNG-FU BOZEMAN, MT 59715 (ENTRANCE I ALLEY BEHIND COUNTRY BOOKSHELF) HOURS: MON-TUES: 12-9PM WED: CLOSED .m THURSDAY·SUNDAY: 12·9PM (406) 585-8245 - BADTASRBOZEMAN®YAHOO.COM FEATURES THURSDAY, D ECEMBER 9 , 2004 27 Bonsai Kittens and Puppy Mills Fill Important Niche ~ KAYLOR TAILER ing them into sealed glass con long been scrutinized for animal EXCREMENT WRITER tainers the shape of your choice. cruelty, but purity is always the Since the kittens' bones are soft best. After all, if no one buys those Arc you looking for that per and malleable, the kittens soon puppies then they won't have a fect accessory to go with that new take the shape of the container place to live! outfit? Don't want lo wear that and stop growing. Purebred dogs make a great same old thing as everyone else? Care for these kittens is easy accessory to any outfit, and even Well, it's time to jump ahead of after the initial insertion. Usually coordinate with every season. the bandwagon and learn about at least two holes are drilled near Be sure to carry certified papers Bonsai Kittens and puppy mills. the front of the container, one for around with you in case anyone You may have heard the say an air hole, the other for a feeding questions the breeding of your ing, "The problem with kittens is tube. The kitten can then be fed dog, and make it a point to ask they become cats." Bonsai Kittens pureed nutrient-rich meals when others for their dog's papers in solve this problem by keeping kit ever it is convenient for you. The order to belittle them for not hav tens the same waste manage ing any. size their entire ment system Puppies are a little more life. There is is a little more "The basic concept behind work tlian Bonsai Kittens, but very little bur complicated, do have their advantages. You Bonsai Kittens is a modern den in caring but easier to can take these animals on walks way to present Oriental for the animals, maintain than art in the fonn of m1111a- and make sure they do their and the kittens a litter box. ture sculpture." business in other people's yards are portable Through gluing - no messy cleanup! Plus, you get and stylish. the anus shut extra chances to burn off unnec Bonsai and attaching essary calories while walking the Kittens are a rather recent phe a separate tube, the creators of dog (be sure to wear Stiletto heels _,,. photo by Paco Taco nomenon; the trend seems to Bonsai kittens are able to produce in case anyone sees you). ink/es excited/}' entns his new home as a Bonsai Kitten. have started from an Internet site a catheter. You can just empty Finally, by purchasing a live in this pitcherfor the rest of his life and eventually his about 4-5 years ago (Bonsaikitten. the drainage container whenever puppy from a puppy mill you are will take the shape of the pitche1: He will then be the pe1fict com). Bonsai Kittens are cute, convenient. giving others a sense of purpose y shapetl, contained, and ve1y transportable. convenient ways to take care of The best thing about Bonsai and supporting the economy. your pet and show her off at the Kittens is that you never have to If puppy mills were shut down, same time. worry about someone else having there would be no need for The basic concept behind the same one! You can get different manv of the current anti-pupp) Bonsai Kittens is a modern way colored cats and different shaped mills groups, and then people to present Oriental art m the containers. You can also decorate would have to find real jobs. form of miniature sculpture. It is the container to give it your own Furthermore, you'd be taking the often compared to Bonsai trees, in personal touch. Furthermore, the jobs away from investigators and which the miniature tree i~ able to pristine condition of kittens is supervisors and, don't forget, the take manv forms through careful preserved forever. puppy mill foremen. planning and execution. Bonsai Another choice in this option Sta~ ahead of the trends, look Kittens are created by taking high is to purchase a puppy from a into Bonsai Kittens and puppy birth- weight kittens and insert- puppy mill. Puppv mills have milb todav. CLASSIFIEDS 2
c•ntrcprcneur' up Project Smart. begun ''I· ft. '11200 month 10 mm 1\:tl" be part nf a n1-1111r Pn:,idelll' Carter .md !"Nd. along fmm c·olkge. hN month rm! frt-c. pwdud rc)ll out c'UITCll!I) golllf \\1th 40 othc1 n,11J1inal le.a.fer, Ctll.\l.m 920-11-tO 1111erri::tthrn.J.I. l cam hcrn to .:re .. tc 1, de,1gning a 11eb,1tc to defend ,I 'lll::tll bU,llll.' ' (lf e'\p~tnd .lllcl iti1cn' lro111 the ofa:n n11sle.1ding ational $5 30 words ·For Sale org.1111lc a s.11e, te.1111 to 'er1 Ile d,11n1' maJe h) clc:ctcd oftic1aJ, . m.1rket from .1 n.n1onal llrm .ind c,mJidate'. L:-;5-2881 Bear CJ.n)lln C.1hin ~on .:Jmpu~ org.iniz,1ti~m~ pav \nimal Sl 1en('c: hacJ...grounJ \TT. 5%"S Lost items . prt'f.:rrec. Sen1 re,umc: to ... tudent rates. Dilige111 s!lldcnt needed LO Gallatin\ .ilk) Ho,pllal. 7 IO pcrfec·t h ni,J11ng touch To plact' a .:Li~sifit:d. <.111 ll)lkct ,·::impus data. \ppro\ 10 Blue B.0 B. 'Pllfl ulllll) bab) S1onendge Dmc. Bo/eman. :\IT uue :\lontan::i C'\penen,·e Jngg.:r. fakcn from) ,1rd 1111 "i. >rd. 59718 or ca I 5X"'-+f5x hour' total 111th end of Januaf) 406) 994-2206 t1r e-nuil rela\111g pl.ice to 't:I) 1 H,1, ,h1)e"-' 1m bac"- 11 heel' If deadline. Good pa) ,ind b) line h) our bus11ie" hmng? Plist lx·,1rl'an) onLabin ..:om w1dh, h:ri@ montan.1.~du. ..:redn l1tkrc:d. Send inqu1r;. to ) 1H1 h.11 e .m) infnrm,11ion pie.be ) our po,nwn' m the E\ponent toll free , 6o-252-T06 5::-i5-26.'7. call toda) ! Cdl 994-2200 abr:tml'hri,wphcr(a) .1hoo.com 58-~ ..,49
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-What percentage has MSU tuition for full-time students raised from Fall '01 to Fall < '04? - -How much will we miss our managing editor Andy Rowse after he graduates next >week? -What Steve Buscemi movie pokes fun at people whose first name rhymes with their last name? The 1st person to correctly complete this week's puzzle & trivia, and bring 1t to the Exponent office will win one FREE medium pizza, courtesy of Pizza Hut 2nd place receives 2 passes to Wallace Theaters. Last week's answers: weekly, Calisota. and Kellogg's Corn Flakes. Winner: Peggy Kelley 2nd place: Corey Trudell
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