2 THURSDAY. DECEMBER 9, 2004 NEWS Beware of Peg-Leg Pirates ~ OMER GOMER much less one that happens on shoots. out, f~ying anything in its his flesh path, 111clud111g oak trees, small E XCREMENT W RITER . . ·1d · T.k. 1 k If the pirate does this, he will chi ren, puppies, 1 ·1 c oc ·s, In the ramblings and run-on probably be off-balance, unle s and hedgehogs, unless they are sentences I'm writing today I plan he has managed to fuse some sort named Sonic, because then the) to warn everyone about the Yery of tail or other balancing device would be able to outrun any kind real threat of pirates. Why you to hi~ body in his secret pirate of laser beam while grabbing ask? Because if I don't, who will? lair. However, since most pirates assorted gold rings for no appar­ Pirates come in all shapes are poor, they would not be able ent purpose. and sizes. Some are short and fat, to .ifford to do thi , which is an !f ever trapped in this situ­ while others are tall and skinny. advanrage to anyone caught in the ation, hold a mirror up to the However, all are dangerous. midst of person-to-pirate com- pirate. Pirates are very vain .ind Pirates don't care who you bat. When thev are getting ready stupid creatures. They will be fas­ are or where you're from. In fact, to launch their peg leg of death cinated by their own appearance, _... illustration by Paya Sharna they're probably just wondering at your face, one must simply but unfortunately will not realize Eyepatches and parrots are dead gJve-aways when identifjing pi7' how the hell they managed to push the pirates over. He will fall immediately that they are look­ cross paths with you. This con­ over, and much like a turtle, will ing at themselves. This will bring these birds are pure evil. The only they lose depth perception . fusion doesn't last long though. remain stuck on nis back until them great frustration and anger, words they know are vulgar, and are unable to aim accurately. Once the pirate has looked you he is helped up, which should which they will vent by shoot­ their constant swearing often­ The ea iest wav to de over and sized you up, he will be neYer, because no one in their ing their super-charged ion laser times makes small children and these horrible winged ment begin with one of many attacks. right mind would help a pirate, at the mirror, which will reflect Dick Cheney cry. is by feeding them Alka et He may have a peg-leg that he not even another pirate. back at them, causing their heads The pirates will send a volley in their bird-feeders. This can detach and throw at you much Pirates also have eye patche . to explode and termites to escape of swearing, pooping parrots to cause their stomachs to explc like a iaYelin. ot only would This is not because they have lost the skull cavity. attack you, screaming with their and the birds to drop from this hurt if you were impaled, an eye in some horrible mango The last attack pirates may use foul tongues, and desecrating your sky like feathered care-packl but there is also the concern of accident or a vicious pirate fight. are their parrots. All pirates have a freshh'-washed Mercedes. If this from the armv. splinters, and the possibility that They have the eye patch to cover parrot perched on their houlders; was not enough, these birds also So, now \'Ou know the d the leg could h. The' daim Professor Lela Brown of the Constru..:tion (AA.NC). that the color blatk in a build­ ;'\led1a and Theater Arts depart­ i\lam· other students h.1ve ing on campu' will cause ma~.­ ment is trying to explain the spoken out against S:\PD's cause. ~ive depre,sion a..:ros' the student reasonmg behind the black box "These are just bored ..:ollege stu­ population. theater to S \PD and the student dents who want to find something SAPD organiLed a protest population. ''A black box theater bad in everything that happens. I Friday outside the SUB, where the mean. we have ultimate wrsatil­ guess it m.lkes them feel like ther're old theater is loc,1ted. Last rear itv in our theater space. The stage .ictuallv making a difference," the student population at l'.lSL' itself can be transformed into English major Annie Hud on said. voted on a referendum to tear anything \\·e need it to be. The P. ychology major, Daniel down the old theater, which was theater is painted black so that Cross agreed with Hudson. not up to fire code, and replace it when the stage lights are on, the "People can find 'wrong' things with a smaller black box theater rest of the theater can be as dark in everything if they look hard in the Vi 'Ual Communication as possible." enough. You know, the Telctubbie Building. A black box theater is a Architect Russell Reynolds are gay and Harry Potter is cre­ square room painted completely agree . "The student population ating an army of ten-year-old black with a stage in the middle has voted for this and it is the best witches and warlocks. But to say and various seating option . possible option for the 11 U the­ that a black room would cause SAPD President Sarah Bender ater department right now." massive depre ion? That's defi­ spoke to the crowd at Friday's SAPD will not be swayed, nitely stretching it." protest. "I ask you one thing," however, and hopes to take their SAPD plans to delay the Bender said, "would you paint plea to the national level if thev construction of the black box your house black? Your bedroom? have to. 'Tm sure the president theater, or at least raise atten­ Or kitchen? o! \\1w? Because will be open to our cause," SAPD uon to the problems that it could the color is depressing and satanic member Richard Green said, "and cause because, as Bender says, and we don't want it at !'.!SU!" some dav we hope to destrm .111 "Sometimes You 1ust ha\·e to take Bender 1s arguing for a 1\hite of the black box theaters in the a stand against something." or pink theater because she n,Hion. \Ve might even be able Cross added, "Her choice of belie, es tho~c color~ are " happier to get nd of the color bl,tck itself. \\·hat to stand up against, how­ and friendlier." She ,t,ttcd, "\\'h.it Th111k of all the mone) on Prozac e1·cr, 1s questionable."

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1 t• f) I.. I f ~ I~ ll I~ t• f) ll '1 S I DORM LIFE Nov. 2 9 - D EC. 5 •An RA reported residents pester­ • 17 minor girls were escorted EXCLUSIVE INVESTIGATIVE REPORT ing a lone beaver who had wan­ home from the men's basketball dered into Langford Hall. The game. allm,ing students to try such to the theaters t.o see the next OMER GOMER beaver was removed. • 14 people were cited for attempt­ choice delicacies as grilled :-tarv-Kate and Ashley film (A ·An officer responded to a report ing to procreate. teriyaki marinated raspberry sure sign of delusion). of errant children outside the •A female student was cited for Jell-0, BBQ longhorn salmon Things only improve from Strand Union Building. The wrcckless use of freedom jelly in ribs, and e1·en cauliflower there. The actual dorm room is offending children were termi­ Mullen Hall. of home life this vear shortcake. where a student will spend most nated. •Members of Chi Omicron 1 to hve on our O\' n, Next, we move on from the of his or her time. After going to •A male student was cited for were arrested for assult with Ice seemed the wa) to go. Universllv Food Service to the Target to spend oodles of cash "messin' with the ducks." Stilettos. Mas e'peciall} so if, also dorm res~rooms as often hap­ putting the student further into •A male student was charged with ·A disoriented Grizzly was cited 1Cllle \\·,1s not ,1 resident pens very quickly). In these debt, the living ,1rea is decorated. invasion of privacy after he pub­ for trespassing in the Strand an and as an incoming bathrooms students are given .\fter all, which dorm room is lished a video of his most recent Union Building and was escorted 1,as required to lt1·e in all of the basic bathroom essen­ complete with out the essential break-up. from the premesis. 1e residence halls stra­ tials: smks, toilet stalls, shower Tiki clock, with matching pil­ • Police ignored a report of people ·Two scantily-clad women were placed around campus. stalls, and the occasional fester­ lows, bean-bag chair, TV, com­ kicking puppies. removed from a street corner. mght to life a ne" set ing mold clinging to the caulk­ forter, coffeemaker, lamp, fan, ienct , some pleasant, mg between the shower tiles. fridge, computer, printer, picture my proved to be awk­ Students are ad1 ised to never go frames, and, not to be forgot­ ·omfortable, and some- into the shower stalls barefoot, ten, vanity chest with matching Bsmsu. as scienttsts are still discovermg nightstand? up to I 5 new species of ring­ However, once all of this is THOR BORE teria. Sure, it's sugar worm on shower floors each day. put into the room, the student ~ ith the promise of sev­ Note: wear a pair of cheap flip­ must find a way to get into the EXCREMENT WRITER •rent meal cycles, with flops. A half inch of foam offers room as well. After hopping and The ASMSU Senate met at an undisclosed location last week to dis­ mging from meatloaf more protection than one's skin scaling fhe numerous Target cuss a matter of utmost urgency recently brought to their attention by hing I believe they call against the flesh-eating bacte­ dorm room essentials, the stu­ an anonymous informant. -ry chicken." I'm not ria that inhabit the bathroom dent is able to get to work. Much to the surprise of the senators, the informant claimed that t those chickens did to floorboards. However, one issue that has general awareness concerning senate proceedings had reached an all hat gruesome fate and While visiting the lavatories proved to be problematic is the time low among MSU students. . 1> never find out. Think one will oftentimes see many­ act of turning around, getting "It seems;' said the informant, who referred to himself as Deep scandals multi- a-students' vain attempts to dressed, stretching, yawning, or Throat, "that students not only neglect to attend the weekly senate meet­ wash dishes in the miniature even blinking. The student must ings, but also deliberately skip the thoughtful and well-written senate ality, there are only 3 porcelain depressions stick­ actually back into the hallway to minutes that grace the pages of the Excrement Newspaper each week." 1 meals served in the ing out from the wall that are have enough space to do these Aghast, one senator responded, "Honestly, what could possibly ; on campus: chicken, passed off as sinks. This nor­ and any of the other actions a be more interesting and newsworthy than budget , resolutions, and a hybrid of the two. mally would not be such a huge college student must perform on a rchaic parlian1entary procedure?" lg different ratios of task to undertake unless said a day-to-day basis. Another senator agreed, adding, "Cleary, these students don't have olesome meaty goods, student is like myself, and waits Dorm life isn't completely their priorities straight. I hesitate to say it, but you might almost call g hall was able to come until he or she has run com­ bad. Studen ts can always count them apathetic." hings such as wok bars, pletely out of dishes and they on the random drunk to skate­ Most of the senate was visibly distressed by the comment; some , pastas, tavern bat­ pile up, before they begin to board into their door, random simply blushed, while others pounded their fists in indignation. ibut, and a wide variety migrate on their own toward noises heard through the paper­ In disbelief, the first senator angrilv retorted, "That's quite a stretch sea foods." dish soap, or the smell begins to thin walls, late-night pizza deliv­ of the imagination, since an unprecedented 51.6 percent of our nation·~ on days when the disperse throughout the floor. eries, and occasional threat of youth rocked the vote in this year's U.S. elections. I mean, seriouslv, that's staff grew bored, the} The smell may cause fainting, airborne leprosy, to ensure that over halP. Obviously, apathy isn't the cause here." ry combining meals, seizures, and mass-flooding dorm hfe is never dull. Exhaustive placard-raising, floor yielding, and callous arguments ensued for a good portion of the next hour, with no solution in sight. Save up to 58% with Concerned senators voiced opinions reflectmg their varied constitu­ ents, rangmg from "indifference" to "who giws a @1t>S%?" Several resolutions were proposed, each unique and aliw with Collegiate marvelous intricacies and dripping with beautiful, flowery metaphors vaguelv reminiscent of gleeful jaunts through glistening green mead­ Funding ows, as usual. But alas, each was plagued bv small, careless punctuation and spelling errors. Student L oan "It's hard to take your resolution l"ery seriously, senator, with those unprofessional errors and all,' commented a particularly 1 ocal senator. "Yeah, well. .. " replied the overtly offended senator, struggling to Consolidation come to grips with the crippling insult he had iust fielded. The l"Ote to amend the resolution was stalled when the agitated * F ixed Interest Rates as senator proceeded to filibuster. He calmly reached for his trusty copy of Low as 2.875% that week's Excrc111c11t, and, in a move that no one could haw predicted, began reading the ASMSU senate m111utes. * Lock in Lowest Fixed "Thursday's ASMSU Senate meeting began with a ... " began the Rate in History senator. Almost immediately, the room became audibly hushed ,rnd a visible glaze descended over most of the eves 111 the room. Clearly, none *No Fees or Credit Checks of the senators had ever read the deliberate, exhaustil"e chronicle of their ver) own organization. *Additional Savings While Fortunatelv, though, a part1cularh .1lert, insightful, thoughtful and in Grace intelligent senator quickly brought something of in1erest to the .1ttcn­ tion of her fellow senators. * Federal Parent Loans also "Don't you sec?" she quipped, "These senate minutes hal"e failed to Qualify arouse the attention of Ewrc111C11t readers hec.iuse the1 .ire de,1rlr l.'x1guous and skimpy! There's no depth, no content to these art ides 1' h.1tsoc1·cr!" ·------~ A nearby senator nodded 111 agreement, while .mother rl.'marked, SAVE AN ADDITIONAL "\\'ell, wh,1t can Ix· done about it?" The particularly alert, insightful, thoughtful and intelligent senator 1.25°/o* responded, s.iying, "Obi ioush, these art ides aren't word) l'nough; I lo\\ ON YOUR STUDENT LOAN will anyonl.' be able to comprehend our innate ,1wesomeness \\ ith these petty, rudimentary setllences?" INTEREST RATE :\resolution 11 as quick!)' dr.iftcd, stating. "l Ienu·forth, .1ll 1e oil' 'en Rcfcn::ncc Promo Code: , DI·C04 ate minutes shall be unnccessaril} long-winded and ciru1mlocutor~,' ' and going on to quote the AS:\ISU Constitution Preamble:" rlw rok• 11 • .15 0 rat~ rl!dw:tion \\1th scl·up ofaulOnHlli~ pa)-111\!nt~. of student government and its responsibilitit•s shall be made C\pli..:11. .. 1°0 rat.: n: momh,oron-um.: n:p.1~111.:nt [Ldited due to boringness ." ·------The casuall) dressed,. lightly ragged-looking\\ riter w,1s then pub \\'WW.COLLEG IATEFUND IN GCO M lith stoned and torcibly fed the rl.'solution. The -\S~ISL St'll.lte meets on Thursd,ws in the !>L B,.1nd an) guests ,11.ill 800-918-7587 1, ill be well received. Don't rxpetl rcfre,hments, though. I never gel an~. 4 THURSDAY, DECEMB ER 9. 2004 NEWS Prepare For Flying The Future According to Bu OMER GOMER I I terrorist attack.> ...... make it seem plausible EXCREMENT WRITER Remove all Garments with Skid-Marks ing they are harboring in advance, prepared to spend punishment for them as for their President Bush recentlv dis­ ist in Iraq th,u were SHAW T. HAUGHTY ample time being adequarelv \'iolator. cussed his plans for his second the Sept. 11 assault, and EXCREMENT WRITER searched. Internationally, passengers term in office. Bush admittedh saying that the\ have Wt As you're flying around this Underwear will be sold will he shown an entirely new stated that he lacked m ome of ;\lass Destruction winter break, traveling and visit­ alongside gum, magazines, and depth of bod)' cavity searches. areas of leading the nation dur­ there. But here's the real ing friends and relatives, make batteries at airport com·enience Though you may think the prac­ ing his first term, and deemed boy howd}. \\'e have no a ~ure YOU don your finest under­ stores. ~ tyles ranging from box­ tices conducted in the United it was appropriate for ome si,·e endence of this at aD garments, because security just ers to thongs will be offered, and States ,ire uncom·entional, things change to take place. This statement was 1111 got e,·en tighter. enjoyment for security per on­ are much worse abroad. The "First of all, we need to get manv cheers from the ow, no matter who you are nel should be taken into account. French, for example, ignore the us some Goldfish crackers," Republican audience, enQ or where you're going, you will be Since courtesy for those conduct­ wearing of undergarments, and declared Bush. When a ked wh} ing Bush to continue. searched down to \'O ur skivvies. ing the searches, as well as fellow insist upon complete nuditv Goldfish crackers, Bush pro­ "And think of all thOSI Report of concealing potential passengers, should be regarded, when conducting their searches. ceeded to shout, "Because it's countries out there thataa weapons, drugs, and liquor in it mar be best to exfoliate before f\.lexico does not partake in the snack that miles back!"This ably training terrorists: bras, underwear, and body cavi­ traveling, surelr howering ,1nd any search procedures, and are was followed by an evil cackle, Korea, Russia, l\1as ach111 ties were recorded throughout wearing unhoh·, skid-mark-free, sent the illegal drugs found in which was cut short when We have our pick of w: the Th,mksgiving season. one of undergarments. American body ca,·ities. This President Bush lodged one of want ro overrun next!" the most popular and common If you are suffering from dis­ cannabis is given to passenger the small nacho cheese-flavored Bush .ibo has pla times to travel all vear. Due to eases such as genital herpes or with their in-flight meals. Be sure snack foods in his throat and improve education. W'd the masses of people c.:oncealing varying rashes, be sure to wear to look into van·ing search tech­ ''ice president i o Chai niques before traveling abroad, Dick Cheney marijuana, for example, stricter identification to alert security "And to think of all those Behind making sure vou are adequately had to take measures need to be taken. team of your condition. These other countries out there The possibilities for storage warning badges can be obtained equipped for whichever method over. that are probably training at anv check-in counter at all ,1ir­ is required. "A merica places amongst the bod)' have terrorists: North Korea, witching flights does not is at a loss," evolved into new, more unique ports. Genital disease , includ­ Russia, Massachusetts ... ,·ariations on the usual methods. ing STDs will not be reported, prevent you from undergoing Cheney We have our pick of but alerting security personnel multiple cavity searches. \\.'hen started. "We Perhaps the pre ence of undergar­ who we want to overrun ments will still allow illegal items beforehand will be necessary. flying out of airports such as our are caught next." to make it through security checks, Unprofessional contact by own Gallatin Field, a thorough in a war that but am ·tep will help. Other either the securitv member or per­ search will be conducted. Then, we are now - George--W. Bush items up for confiscation include son being searched is possible, but when arriving ,\l l\Iinneapolis, asking why U.S. President learnm' condoms, large belt buckles, keys, should be reported immediately for example, a similar or more we got into good, j and various earring styles. Shoes following the procedure. Charges complete search will be endured, in the first place, and honestly me and Jeb did back homi with sharp heels will be removed, will be taken leniently, promising preventing the possibility of have no idea how to get our we were kids. 'ow look a necklaces with crosses taken, and less than one month in detain­ tashing anything upon arrival. butt out of." Grinning madh-, ~ medallions surely dismissed. ment for the accused. Fondling o two state carry out identical Cheney then went on to Bush then went on to sha Due to the number of body and groping, though unnecessary, processes, so appropriate con­ perform the Heimlich maneuver of pictures of his brother cavity searches rising, arrive at may occur, and passenger com­ siderations need to be taken into on President Bush, who had col­ state of Florida along " vour favorite airport three hours plaints mar provide just as much account. lapsed onto the stage. Regaining vote counts from the state consciousness and the use of his time VP Cheney decided Bush Cancels Agreement Between Nouns and Verbs trachea, Bush began to speak. nap time for Bush, and ca "So here's the deal, right? press conference to a cl "I Has a 1\.'.landate, and I Intends to Use it," Says President We start this War on Terror, "\\'e don't want him right? But we invade some too excited right now, c ANDY BOROWITZ In world capital<, heads of The president noted that his countq that we don't know never calm down," I SPECIAL TO THE EXCREMENT state responded with a mixture proposal had received a vote of for sure was inrnlved in the 9- explained. of shock and dismav to the pres­ confidence from British Prime President George \\'. Bush ident's decision to back out of the ~!inister Tony Blair, who earlier announced the first major initia­ noun-verb agreement, long con­ in the da\ said, "He haYe my full S.I.C. TAITOOS tive of his second term in office sidered a cornerstone of human support." BODY PIERCING today, canceling the agreement communication. Mr. Bush went on to between noum and verbs. " It was one thing to back announce a series of other bold 1423W Bobcock The president, who had been out of the l\:rnto Protocol and initiatives. such ,1s imposing a Bozemoo, MT 5 9 715 widely expected to announce a the Gene,·a Conventions, but moratorium on (Omplete sen­ series of faith-based initiatives, if l\1r. Bush intends to break tenct's and elimin,lllng the let­ 406 -586- 1176 ~urprised \\',1s hington insiders b~ the agrcemt'nt between nouns ter "g" from th<' end of most kicking off his second term with a and verbs he 1s going it alone," words. grammar-based one. said French president Ja~ques Elsewht're, the Pentagon ;\1r. Bw,h left little doubt that Chirac. announced that U.S. fighter 1ets he intended to consign the agree­ But President Bush was quick missed a target in southern lr.iq ment bt'tween nouns and wrb~ to correct l\lr. Chirac, respond­ todaY, strafing a middle school 111 Exponent Staff to the dustbin of histon, telling mg, " I think what m\ good friend :\ew )erst'\'. Editor-in-Chief 99-1 222-1 Ad Sales Manager 994 2.20 reporters, "I has a mandat<', and I Ja.:qu<'s Ch1r,\C means 1s, I 'are' Co11rtc~1· o( 11·11·11· boroll'it::rc­ .\ngie Conners Curt \\'idhalm ang1est' Chi 'lnnncl 1 ~· L1mhe1 .lllManager 994 24 Sport\ Editor 99·1- 2·155 \ ltk1· J11rcnk '-,h,11 '1.l ~.1h"m sh.11 '1,1, cxpnnc'lt.mnnt.rn.1.l'Ju Busines' .\ ~sis t an t L '1 ·i, BJrtlc11 AJ,i~or 5Xt> ~51.J Pat 11111 Photographer> <..op) Editor Charlie l .1pp L. 1leb Hilt Ke' in Lud" 1g. l1hh Zir. \le\ H.dkmus \\'ricer;, lim .\J,1111,, l incoln I nck,on, Todd \.rnl>cr\rk. Bri.111 l l.lrk.1\kr Ct l.rkJ ht'"· S.trjh .\lich.1lic,, :\icok t\tJrqu.1rd1. lc>Sc lkni:,on. lotw Brcnd.1 \k '\,1nc,, Jt,_ste "oukup. Bn,111 kcll\, Andrew \hlkr. Jo,h Ii Fmil\ Ku1pe", R.111di Hirs.:h. !lJmd l ockh.lrt, \k~hJn CJll.ihan. t. \ntoncnk, \like Bur.:hcu. Lou \rmil.t!l.<'· Chri, S.:..gt:r,, l hantal Zt: -9339~ ~JJ_ T he E'l.ponent provides students' perspectives on news, ;ports, op~ ain Bozeman em ue~A features for the university and the Galin tin Valle)- The goal of the Elf EMGAllERY COM - (/ i;, to be fair, balanced, ethical, accu rate, and objective in reporting of publicatio n. NEWS T HURSDAY, D ECEMBER 9 , 2 004 5 ~dents Use Morphine for Finals Week during finals week when the)"'re "We are expecting the stu­ with minimal negative effects, Some of the local pharmacies on the drug, and one last survey dents on morphine will be feeling then I completely support that." in town have agreed to give MSU which is to be completed the week much more relaxed about their "The whole idea that mor­ a drug discount so they can afford are >tre>>ful for everv after finals. final exams, but probably won't phine will have few effects when the experiment. None o'. the ec. 13 - 17 i' not con­ The first survey ash them to do as well as those on the placebo taking final exams is ridiculous," pharmacists wished to comment be one of the most describe ho'' they feel the week or on nothing at all," said MSU said MSU student Graham Meng, on the objective value of the trial, tunes on campus. before finab start, how they think biolog} student Amy Richardson. who is in the control group that but one worker did begin to laugh o the ~ISL.: Biology they will do on their tests, how "However, we are not sure if it is not taking anything. "I am in when asked about it. Int, ,ill of that could be much value they place in their will be a significant difference, in Patrick's class and even though we "I can just imagine what this his rear. grades, and how they are expect which case many students ma\' have about the same grade right is going to do to some grade point f the uppercl.1"men in ing the morphine to affect them. feel that the euphoria they experi­ now, I can guarantee you that averages!" said the pharmacist. ment decided it would The sun·cy students will fill ence\\ hile on morphine will out­ after our finals have been turned "Man, what some kids will do resting expL'rimcnt to out during finals week will pose weigh the negati\·e effect of losing in and graded, I will be the one today for a few moments of hap­ ffrcts morphmc \Hluld questions that inquire if the 5tu­ a tcw points on their finals." ''ith the better grade in the class. piness." udcnts .md their gr,1des deni- feel relaxed, 1f they feel pre 'Tm willing to do am·thing in The whole reason I agreed to this Richardson 'ays that she is ab \\CCk. Tn conduct pared for tht?ir finals, .ind how the interest of science, c\·en if it experiment is to prove my theory b,1ffled b)' the humorous atti­ ment, the 'kpartment much value the) no"· place on involves taking prescription drugs correct." tude so many people h,l\"e shown 1 total of three groups; their gr.ides. that I don't have prescription So ,,·hat about the legal obsta­ toward the experiment. gn>up of 50 stt1tknts Before thL• drugs are handed for," said .\ISL freshman Patrick cle of gh'ing morphine to people "In determming whether or c1evc no tre.1tmcnt. an out prokssors will report to the Carrol, who will be taking mor­ without prescriptions? not morphine will help people t.il group reLei,·ing the sc1ent1s1' what they pro1ect each phme ti.)r the five days of finals. "I "We live in Montana. Even the during stressful times in their and .1 pl.iceho group. student's final grade percentage realh believe the biolog\ depart· \\eather Channel ignores us out lives, I believe we can truly make a studcnh must be in will be for their class. The sden­ ment could be onto something here unless we have a blizzard that difference in the world," she said. t1sb "ill then compare the fore­ here. Stress is never good and if brings us ten feet of snow," said " I foresee a futurt' in which c\·ery­ e for tilling out a 'ur­ casted grade with the actual grade thev can do a\,·a~ with it during Richardson. "As Montanans we one is happy, even if they are on they take thL' drug, one from each individual. the most stressful time of the year arc not subject to national laws." prt'scnption drugs." U Motto Implies Ivy League Education school slogans, but we believe that results overwhelmingly supported by saying more in our motto, we'll the theory that the only reasons Reasons Motto Supporters Chose MSU be showmg people that we have for attending ~1SL' were to ski, d about promoting more to say as a school." backpack, make snow angels, 5% ski ,chool, administra­ Some people are concerned and slide on the icv sidewalks. l decided to change the that by alienating skiers and other Approximately 98.6 percent of iottu from ".\lountains outdoor enthusiasts, enrollment students listed the above activi­ ,"to "~1SC: the Harvard will plummet. ties as their reasons for coming DSkiing t. It's where serious stu­ "No one in their right mmd to Bozeman. The other 1.4 per­ o stud) and not en1oy would come all the \~ay out to cent cited unusually easr access • It's Pretty Montana just for the academics," to alcohol as their main reason said a supporter of the.\1ountams for choosing MSC'. Academics e supporters of the ne'' and Minds motto, Suzy Stefani. came in as the eighth reason, after 95% ·eve it does an accurate "And to say we're the 'Harvard of things such as excellent shopping, ying what they want the \\'est' is ridiculous. Harvard a lot of Republicans, and the lack talc University to stand was the first university in America of potholes in the streets. An Excrement poll finds that motto supporters are hypocritical in !future. . and J\.1SU was only created like The results showed that 98.6 their reasoning/or choosing to attend MSU t now MSU 1s pull­ 120 years ago or something! Most percent of students currently t·of-state students with people in the country couldn't attending school here would not Page. "We're trying to purge the uncover the reasons supporters of even think of what J\.1ontana looks be here if the motto was "MSU: school of everyone who values fun the new motto gave for attending id new motto acti,·ist like unless you told them about Harvard of the West. It's where and skiing above the Heisenberg MSU and Ji,·ing in Bozeman. The "We need the country the skiing and Yellowstone." serious students go to study and principle and tl1e fundamental results showed that 95 percent of t the academics here in As a result of the controversy not enjO)' the outdoors" when the) theorem of calculus." them are here for the skiing, while are just as good as those over which motto to choose, the were considering schools. When The Excrement staff, as the other five percent simply liked oidge, J\.lass. at Hanard. Excrement staff decided to con­ faced with the outcome of our Bozeman's leading and fin­ the fact that it is pretty. the new motto is a nice duct a surYe)' of out-of-state stu­ study, supporters of the new motto est news source, felt it was their If passed, the new motto will tf this fact. Sun.\ it might dents attending J\.1SU on why they smiled and began celebrating. responsibility to conduct one be on the school's website by the anger than most other came to Montana for college. The "That\ wonderful news," said more survey, this time trying to end of spring semester 2005.

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Producer? \.\'ell IN your drt'"a.m.~ C'ODlf' true Sky Captain & The World Of Tomorrow and a ppl) for the films Conunittee Chair H ead p o,it ion t h rouo:h ASMSU! Be in charg(" of the Procra, tinator and ht"lp T hurs day- 9 p.m. F riday: - p .m. & 11 p.m. dt"cidt> w h at aud \\ht-n filn1 ... '~ill ... hon! Sunday: > p.m. Th(" be-... , Pil.rt. ··)OU ~et paid' Holl n<-.od at ir ... finf'~t. For n1ore info. or for an application, 'top h AS~!St Sl B 281 or """ 9Q1-29JJ. RltHARP~ HA~ &ROU6HT THE MEMORA&LE ME~ "DRUNK 61RL" TO THE ~HOW A~ WELL A~ THE INFANT HIP-HOP ~UPER~TAR "&A&Y K" AND "JEFF," JARRET'~ MEATHEAD ROOMMATE ON "JARRET'~ ROOM." RltHARP~ AL~O DELIVERED UNFO~ETTA&LE IMPRE~ION~ OF &ILL O'REILLY, 6ARY &U~EY, DAVID LETTERMAN, 6ARY ~HANDLIN6, MltHAEL MOORE, AND KEVIN ~PAtEY.

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ANP JIMMMY KIMMEL LIVE. II 8 OPINIONS

Santa Says I NSIDE T H IS I SSUE * &A 0/o Childr Freedom Jelly ~ JOAN M. SCRt EXCREMEN~ WRI~ I page 12 Santa sat d1str.wght workshop. Slowh fold copy of the New York Tim placing it on his workbe furro\1·ed his brow and st The Excrement slowlr shake his head. he turned as J\lrs. Claus the room. Hates Freedom "\\'hat is it, darling? Claus inquired, seeing the ct page 08 drawn sharp!} on anta's "This Chri tma stuff ting way too complicated don't know if I can k Santa l.lmented, \'agueh· g Viagra Spill to the new pa per he had } down. "Between Chanu Kwanzaa and \\'inter '.'iol'tJ page 9 eYCrY other foo-foo P( winter holida,· celebration don't kno\1 what I'm sup be doing.'' h hone1-, it tan't bad, can it?" \!rs. Cl,rns a look of bewilderment 111 h "I hl\'e you c\·er tried ,i d.111111 Kwanzaa present North Pole? l don't e1 e thert is such .i thing .is cit~ \\'e're going to h.neto Afncan midget ne\t vear FREEDOM go to t.ike picture' at the so we don't get our .i"~' s racial d1s.:rimination" JELLY <;,111ta put hi> he.id mh and took a long tm,,ud lolltm cd b1· a rough fum his suit tlH his h.ilf-u,ed Cimeb. He has rcu:ntl} 3 the habit trnng lll de.ti -~ the additional stn.>'s lwmg him b1 ns111g health and ticc 111\urance for th<' wo ch·es. l J,i\ mg hiddt•n Imm nwst. he h.id bcu:i pier re.::enth .md \Ir,. Cla t1oii<·d hirn trom lettin

OUR OPINION: We Hate Puppies, Children & Freedom

~ EXCREMENT STAFF con'l1ming; there arc m,im more productive thing' t of the stafkrs at the Exacmcnt dogs are trained to do the ,,1me th,ll our world is in dire need of thing, - sit, roll O\'l'r, pla\ fetch, reform. But instead of starting etc. and these thmgs aren't useful. abroad, we need to start domesti­ ome people claim that these cally- soh·e problems right here at animab act a' companions. \\'e home first. at the Excrc111c11t feel that if peo­ The problem with today's ple actually interacted with each America? Simple: puppies, chil­ other there would be no need to dren, and freedom. These thmgs find companions in ,mother spe­ are com·oluting the system and cies. Therefore, 1f we stopped blurring people\ 1dcab. If we allowing dogs Ill breed ( '>pav or phase out puppie.,, thildren, and neuter all domestic ,111d wild dogs) freedom, 1\menca will be a much people "ill han~ to inter.Kt ''1th more efficient pl.iLc to live. each other. Job, would he cre­ Puppies: Puppie' cost rnone\. ated ll• help the Sp,n '-eult'r 1:1'k It' plam and simple. fhev are forLe, .rnd ther~ d he llll more lit­ worthJ.:.,, 1 ht'\ tan't control their tle brown "tre.1i.." left to de,111 up ddcc.l!tng s\'stem, the\ L.m't sa\e after\ ou nughbor\ dog. '>onwonc\ life, .ind the~ usualh Children: l ct's I.ice it - chil­ bite. Tht'> ph.ise of a dog\ lite out- dren .ire the most c:-..pensi,·e th111g, 11eigh the potential it has as an Smaf'. Children, such as Dai.1y .1/aisy, an· a danger to rocit'/1•. Th,.,.,• prnence', along withfi"e SEE FREEDOM PAGE 9 aJult. Training ,i puppy is too time puppies must be muiimtedjiw11 the earth in order to mm;,. happi11t!S.ljor h11mt111i~y. OPINIONS THURSDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2004 9 Freedom: The World Will Be On The Rise a Better Place Without Freedom

agra Spill Stiffens Economy of S.D. Town CONTINUED FROM PAGE 8 "We've had to increase our night watch TRAVIS T. MAJESTY tainly vivacious and jovial. a person can have (assuming the Virgil recently received a large loan from workload by a lot. Any old man who is still child is adequately cared for) . ._XCREMENT WRITER a banker in Sioux Center to help fund a mobile will invariably attempt to sneak into Children scream at the supermar­ e small town of Sioux Center, Iowa has remodeling of his store. He is turning it into someone's room. Sometimes we just hear the ket, cry during the movies, and ubject to a sexual catastrophe, some a bed and breakfast, as well as the head of noises from the craft-matic beds going up boy do they smell. And what's the nths after it was discovered that trace operations for his "Sunshine Commune." He and down, up and down. We're all under a lot point? So people have an outlet for ts of sildenafal sulfate had leaked into admits, too, that it may seem odd to have cor- of stress here. And there are better things we their love. Well, if we can't share ·oundwater supply, porate backing for a com­ could be doing," said Sandra Yeats, the recep­ our love with each other first, we Viagra truck tipped mune, but proclaims that tionist, as she handed me her phone number. sure don't have the ability to share ;eavy rainstorm. But "We've had to increase it is the only way to make Other than minute psychological rami­ it with a screaming, smelly, soggy are looking at this our night watch workload it in this dog-hump-dog fications, the town is happy - overwhelm­ child. nos1tive example of by a lot. Any old man who world. ingly happy - like, scary happy. They are Also, children allow us to an happen when a is still mobile will invari· The negative reper­ also very peaceful people and pleasant to be "pass the buck" onto the next nity faces ostensi­ ably attempt to sneak into cussions in this small around, especially Sandra. Anyway, I've been generation. Pollution? Crime ?ative repercussions. someone's room." town were obvious at first here for two weeks and, despite certain sex­ rates? Oil and water shortages? he first hvo weeks glance. There was imme­ ual proclivities I was previously unaware of, The deteriorating Ozone layer? ifficult. But that was - Sandra Yeats diately a rush to stores to I'm happy too. All water supplies should be We'll just let the next genera­ we found out what Nursing Home Receptionist purchase copious amounts equipped with a Viagra injector. I know a guy tion deal with that. Well, time is that was makin' us of carbohydrates. Wine who makes one. No one will know. I should up. It's time for this generation ny. Once we found and chocolate sales went be going. Get yer love on. to deal with it. There will be no ! decided just to roll with it;' said Virgil through the roof. Then acne cream went up, one else to depend on, and every­ er, founder of the recent throwback due to reactions to the chocolate. Store own­ one will actually have to love his une "Sunshine." "Our motto is 'Get yer ers also complained that employees were ML spouse and his neighbor. i.' And we try to live by that." not showing up to work on time, sometimes (a.Ji Freedom: As the great "Team . d they do. Despite growing resentment leaving on romantic getaways for days with­ <:::::__ America: World Police" song cal churches, Virgil sought to rid him­ out notice. Cigarette sales went up and bars goes, "Freedom isn't free." \Vho the newfound sexual frustration. The and clubs were shutting down early, due to wants to pay for freedom? What une is only his first project, though. He couples' tendencies to "stay in." 555- ~izs are we really getting out of it? y busy man. Ever since the Viagra, he There is also e>q>ected to be a ba Jy.-0.oom Freedom is just a contrived idea to feeling much more energetic and within the next yea r. Textbooks for scho - to convince people to fight for mate in the mornings, no longer just children may be hard to locate as well, espe­ ;3~~\{l something that someone else d lethargic. cially textbooks with the necessary sexual wants. Well comrades, it's time gil owns a sex toy shop in Sioux Falls, education chapters, complete with class exer­ for the revolution! o more n hour commute from his home in cises (for only the high school texts) and an homeless, no more wars, and no • Center. Virgil explains that when he interactive R&B disc, narrated by Usher. more children or puppies. Sioux Falls, he can't help but feel pity Nurses in nursing homes are also expect­ Since there is no such thing t>se "limping through life." He is cer- ing a pay increase despite limited resources. as real freedom, we can remove it from our vocabulary. By the ta: Those Ungrateful Brats Can Take Christmas and Shove It time the final generation reaches puberty, freedom will be a myth started to rub his shoulders. towards the holy city of Mecca." the damn dinosaur!" :-- a joke. That generation will be Santa took his lit cigarette and Santa rubbed his eyes in slow, Santa paced back and forth, comprised of workhorses, filled e him light up. put it out on a half finished Elmo deliberate circles in rhythm with slow!) releasing some of the anger with compassion for each other ow the elves are on my doll laying haphazardly on his Mrs. Claus' slow kneading. generated by his frustrated out­ and saving the world. All the bout a living wage and I work table. Enjoying the gentle Mrs. Claus leaned in close to burst Slowly, he calmed himself problems in the world will be ;'5etting letters telling me back massage from his wife, he Santa's ear to encourage him with and finally walled to ~!rs. Claus solved, and the human race can should stop discriminat­ slumped forward and let out a some words of ad\ ice. "Think of and ga\'e her a slow, thankful end peacefully, with that last being iainst the migrant workers barely audible moan. the children, dear. Think of all hug for her earlier deed. Finally, passing peacefully in his sleep, not lon't ha\'e work permits. "This morning when I was their smiling faces." he detached from their embrace with a nuclear meltdown inciner­ nth if they make it all the briefing the reindeer for this "The kids!" Santa sudden!} and spoke. ating the entire population of the p here from Mexico, I'm year's flight, Rudolph informed exploded outofhischair and onto "I've made a decision. We're world. i' 5Lrooge if I don't give me he had joined the Kation his feet. "Those little rug rats are going to skip Christmas this vear. \\~1ile these ideas ma) seem 1ob." Santa's eres squmted of Islam and wo1;1ld no longer even worse than the a

H6dtins bill too hish'?

Ho1~r d11d w(U risht. .. PUTGNJl $WEJlTEf-\! We ht1v6 Lots of swecrlet'S crl $J-lCK$ <.JF ~<.J~E~1J-lN Mo~l' Commt\n~ Thl'ift $tol'6 ~·:-..., REl'v1EMPe1ER! JUL pl'Ofib rrom Sttclts pl'ovid6 the majol' fi1ndins fodhe ~o;i6mttn H6Lp Cwtcrr ttnd th6 S6Jctlttl .Amn1Lt Cot\OS6lins C6ntcrr. 10 THURSDAY, DECEMBER 9 . 2004 0 Pl NI 0 NS Letters to the Editor Brian Clark Blows Goats, Can Him Send that Todd Van Der Ark Back to Holla~ Dc,lr Editor, therefore partie, like one \nd,