Kirstie: Phil: Kirstie: Phil: Kirstie: Phil: Kirstie: Parts: What doyoumean, Phil? for thatlongface. You’ve gotafacelikean‘orse! Exactly. Butapparently theycanbefriendlyattimes,sononeed You mean they’reviolentthievinginvaderswithattitude? take, conquerandpillage. Ah, that’s thetrickybit.Nothing. They don’t wanttobuy. They What’s theirbudget?Howmuchhavethey gottospend? the north. got tofindsomewheresuitableforsometrickycustomersfrom And we’vegotquiteajobonourhandsthisweek,Kirstie. We’ve seekers tolive. Phil andIhavethetaskoffindingperfectplaceforhome- Welcome tothisweek’s ‘Location,Location,Invasion’ –where Theme Music Frode theFrozen Tyra the Tyrant Helga theHorrific Erik theBeige Phil Kirstie presenter presenter hunt foranewhometolivein. Location, Location thatfollowordinarypeopleasthey parody oftelevisiondocumentaryshowsliketheBritish TV series place tolive,conquerandpillage. This playisa Viking-themed A TV realityshowwherethepresenterstrytofindperfect Invasion Location, BOOK HOUSE her chillyhusband his scarybattleaxesister his scarybattleaxewife a Viking invader WWW.SALARIYA.COM

© MMXVI The Salariya Book Company Ltd. Kirstie: Phil: Kirstie: Phil: Kirstie: Phil: Kirstie: Phil: Kirstie: Phil: Kirstie: Phil: you, hemusthave hadamassiveappetite. No idea.Maybehe’d onlyeatkippersiftheywerefilleted. Mind Was hecalledIvartheBonelessbecausehadalimbmissing? conquered York. So wasIvartheBoneless–tooclose. Hecameand I wasclose. Not quite.HewasEriktheRedandheinvadedGreenland. I thinkhewascalledEriktheGreenandinvadedRedland. called Erik. Yikes! Iheardthatoneoftheirleaderswasamurderer they wantourhelp. North America. They’re certainlyfearlessexplorers–buttoday That’s right,Kirstie. They alsoinvadedIcelandandevensailedto Scotland, EnglandandIreland. They weren’t verynice! But the Vikings fromNorway, SwedenandDenmarkattacked we don’t upsetthem,we’llbefine. That’s right. A bunchofdelightfulmarauding Vikings. Solongas Norse pirates,raidersandmurderingexplorers? Well Idon’t findthatveryfunny. It’s scary. Are youtalkingabout a joke. people. That’s whyIsaidyouhadafacelike‘aNorse’ -for That’s myclue.OurclientsarefromScandinavia. They’re Norse Invasion Location, BOOK HOUSE WWW.SALARIYA.COM

© MMXVI The Salariya Book Company Ltd. Erik: Helga: Erik: Helga: Erik: Helga: Erik: Helga: Phil: Kirstie: Phil: Kirstie: Phil: had hairy trouserslikeRagnar, I’djustscratch alot. My ‘getupandgo’ gotupandwentwhenitstarted raining.IfI breeches, you’dhave muchmore‘getupandgo’. That’s whyhe’s alwaysonthemove.Ibet ifyouhadshaggy More like‘itchypants’.Hecannever sitstillorstayinoneplace. Lothbrok? Hisnamemeans‘hairytrousers’. more likemyconqueringcousinwith thefunnywalk-Ragnar For a Viking, you’reaproperwimp, Erik. Why can’t yoube Not today, love.It’s raining. And whilewe’reaboutit,we’llconquertheknownworld. I’ll domybest,dear. so takemesomewherenicewhereIcanliveinstyle. you’ve gottosortitout.It’s gettingfartoocrowdedbackhome (Enters shouting)Erik,comehere.Iwantanicenewhomeand them... Erik theBeige.HisbossywifeisHelgaHorrific.Let’s meet Really? What’s hisname? Erik theRed. arrived bylongboat.I’mafraidhe’s aratherboringrelativeof who wantustofindtheirperfectplaceplunder. They’ve just Enough ofsillyjokes,it’s timetomeetourfirst Viking couple Because heatelikeaNorse!(He‘an‘orse’)Getit? How doyouknowthat,Kirstie? Invasion Location, BOOK HOUSE WWW.SALARIYA.COM

© MMXVI The Salariya Book Company Ltd. Phil: Erik: Kirstie: Erik: Helga: Erik: Phil: Helga: Kirstie: Helga: Erik: Helga: your firstlocation to consider. It’s agreatplot offlatland But atleastyoumade itsafelytolandsoIcannowshow you tell you. supply uswithmilkandeggs.Itgot very messyandsmelly, Ican No, butthegoatwas. We hadagoatandchickensonboardto You must bekidding. sleeping bag. Not whenyouwakeupwithitgiving birthinsideyourhudfat in aboat! Where’s yoursenseofadventure?It’s funtobeafloatwithagoat of me. out andwakingupsoakedtotheskineachdaywithagoatontop being atseainlongships,too.Ispentthelastvoyagebailingit Yes, onewitharoof.I’mfedupofrainand snow. I’mfedupof Are youlookingforanyparticulartypeofbuilding? Anywhere wecanplunderandtakeoverforourselves. We’ll doourbest. What sortof placeareyoulookingfor? turn nasty. That’s whyI’veaskedthesepeopletohelpus.Iftheydon’t, I’ll and wet. But it’s raining,Helga.I’vehadenoughofexploringinthecold did thesame,Erik. one place,he’s off toinvadesomewhereelse.It’s abouttimeyou But atleasthedoesn’t sitaroundallday. As soonashesettlesin Invasion Location, BOOK HOUSE WWW.SALARIYA.COM

© MMXVI The Salariya Book Company Ltd. Helga: Kirstie: Erik: Helga: Phil: Erik: Kirstie: Helga: Erik: Kirstie: Erik: Phil: Kirstie: one, Erik. Perfect. I’vealways wantedabearskincoat. You can catchme Of course.Plentyof wolvesandferociousbears. What aboutwildanimals?Istheregood huntinghere? We loveit–don’t you,Erik? So whatareyourthoughtsonthislocation? Now you’retalkingevenmore. on yourowndoorstep. blackberries andhuckleberriesforyoutoharvestwinemaking And justlookatallthebrambles. There aremassesof from thecliffs. It’s rightbytheseasoyoucangofishingorcollectgulls’ eggs and fishing? Now you’retalking,too. What aboutfoodsuppliesfromhunting a holeintheceilingforsmoketoescape.It’llbetoastywarm. There’ll beastonehearthinsideforcosyfireinthemiddle,with Now you’retalking. walls willbeametrethicktokeepoutthecoldandwet. You justhavetocoverthetimberframewithlayersofturf. The making aturfandtimberhouse. And hereitis. There areplentyoftreesandgrassaroundfor sheltered fromthewind. Invasion Location, BOOK HOUSE WWW.SALARIYA.COM

© MMXVI The Salariya Book Company Ltd. Kirstie: Frode: Helga: Tyra: Erik: Phil: Tyra: Helga: Kirstie: Erik: Helga: Erik: (Barging inferociously) Talking ofgoingberserk,herecomesyoursister, Tyra the Tyrant. wear whenyougointobattle. you weretalkingaboutthebearskinshirtthat Viking warriors I seewhatyoudidthere,Erik. And whenyousaid‘goingberserk’ census.” Haha!Leaveofmysenses,getit? mayor apologisedbysaying,“ImusthavetakenLeifoff my was missingfromhistown’s register. When hecomplained,the was buriedtherebutwhenLeifreturnedhome,hefoundhisname sons, Leifand Thorvald, whoinvaded North America. Thorvald Get readyforagreat Viking joke,folks.It’s aboutEriktheRed’s Leave ofmysenses? What doyoumean? your senses? Are yougoingberserk? Are youmad?Havetakenleaveof enemies and youcaneasily gooutandcatcha whalefromhere. got alovelyviewof theseasoyoucankeepalook-out for But whatdoyouthink ofthislocationtobuildahome? You’ve (Enters shivering) Frode theFrozenisalwayschilly. Hespenttoo longinIceland. Frode, comehere. enough formyhusband.Hefeelsthe coldthesedays. He’s alwayslosingtheplot! Yes, thiswilldo.Solongasit’s warm Where istheexactspot? This istheplotrighthere.Erikjustmeasuringitup. Invasion Location, BOOK HOUSE Brrr, it’s nippyhere.I’mf ffreezing. Haveyoufoundanywheretoliveyet? WWW.SALARIYA.COM (Calling)

© MMXVI The Salariya Book Company Ltd. Phil: Tyra: Frode: Tyra: Erik: Kirstie: Tyra: Frode: Tyra: Frode: Helga: Erik: Tyra: Frode: How willthatunfreeze him? son ofOdin. Then putonyourluckycharmofthe Viking godofthunderand I’m ffreezing.Myfeetarebblocks ofice. It’s likechessbutthe Viking way. Itoftenendsinamassivefight. But noteasytosayorspell! Well thatshouldbeeasytodo. evening andplayhnefatafl. All wewantisanicewarmhomewherecansitindoorseach It wasffreezing. Like Isaid,hespenttoolonginIceland. I hateffrozenfood. freeze it. So wehavetodrythemeatpreserveitorpackinice when itgoesoff. I getabitsickofwhaleeverybreakfastanddinner–especially Yeah, wehaveawhaleoftime!Mindyou,lastsusages. whale dumplings... meat. Whale stew, whalesteaks,burgers, whalenuggets, Ooh, youlovewhalehunting,Erik. We Vikings likewhale I’d catchacold,morelike.It’s ffreezing. Invasion Location, BOOK HOUSE WWW.SALARIYA.COM

© MMXVI The Salariya Book Company Ltd. Phil: Frode: Helga: Frode: Erik: Tyra: Frode: Phil: Kirstie: Frode: Helga: Erik: Tyra: your oldage. Then it’s justas wellwe’vefoundyousomewhere to settlein It’s agreatwaytokeepw w warm. on blazingpyres. most ofourtimegoingto Viking funeralswhereweburnbodies Viking womendon’t lastlong,either. It’s atoughlife. We spend Very ffew Viking explorerslivetobeoverffifty. Did youknowhalfofall Viking mendieintheirtwenties? He’s thirtynine.He’s anoldman. I’ve ffinishedwithinvading,I’mtoooldforthatnow. Vikings? Has thisweek’s Location,Invasiongotitrightforthese you? Will youbeabletosettlerighthereandrulethisland? So tellme,youguys–havewefoundtherightplaceherefor N nnocomment. looking pretty, youknow. as stringforyourbow. It’s noteasyforus Viking girlstokeep Oh no!Don’t tellmeyouneedmoreofmylovelylonghairtouse and arrows. Which remindsme,Helga–youneedahaircut. Viking blingtobringgoodluckwhenIgohuntingwithmybow of Thor’s mightyhammerMjollnir. There’s nothinglikeabitof That’s notabadjoke, Tyra. Look,Ialwayswearaluckycharm It’s Thor. Nothingwillfreezewhenthere’s a Thor on! Invasion Location, BOOK HOUSE WWW.SALARIYA.COM

© MMXVI The Salariya Book Company Ltd. Kirstie: Theme Music EVER! EXPLORER... WANTWOULDN’TA BE VIKING TO only warm Viking isadeadone. Which allgoestoshow YOU funeral pyreswaftingovertheicefloes–provingthat On thatbreakingnews,wemustleaveyouwiththesmellof Invasion Location, BOOK HOUSE WWW.SALARIYA.COM

© MMXVI The Salariya Book Company Ltd.