….In the Meantime With

….In The Meantime With

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Mini-Mag #38: January 18, 2021

This project was supported by Grant No. 2015-WEAX-0016 awarded by the Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice. The opinions, findings, conclusions and recommendations expressed this publication are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of the U.S. Department of Justice.

Hello, If you are familiar with Frederick Buechner, either from your own exposure to his writings or from his occasional mention in our mini-mags, you know that he is insightful and exudes a poetic eloquence when underscoring life’s profoundly simple truths on living mindfully. And if you are familiar with our mini-mags, you know that this, too, is one of our favorite, often relied- upon, themes as well. His 1992 book: Listening to Your Life, offers a year of daily meditations, and his January 1st excerpt concludes with this: Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace (2).

On the heels of mini-mag 37, where like Buechner, Thornton Wilder essentially reminded us of the achingly beautiful and ephemeral nature of life, it might have inspired you to ‘take stock’ if you will, on how you have been living your life thus far. Throughout the history of the world, what with poets, historians, scientists, philosophers, the religious or spiritually devout, song writers, artists, and the like, there have been many-a seeker of the true meaning of life. And while each may have contributed their findings, opinions, doctrines, etc., to what makes up the official canon on this subject, there is a key thread that weaves through each of these schools of thought, and that is this: We each been given a life and the free-will on how we spend whatever time we are allotted, and it is down to each one of us to figure this out for ourselves.

That we are the authors of our own lives is perhaps both the beauty and the curse of it. As we go about the messy business of living, it is sometimes difficult to recognize the many beautiful moments that make up our days, and not just those days where everything goes as planned. But also, too, in our difficult days, where we are challenged to the point of tears and exhaustion. Because it’s easy to be happy, engaged, and generous when things are going our way. And perhaps we need to be reminded from time to time that there can be immense beauty in times of challenge, when we have no choice but to dig-deep, look inside ourselves, and show our mettle to the world. If our lives are our stories, then those times we’ve persevered over seemingly insurmountable odds reveal our true natures of resiliency, determination, courage, and grit…and for this we should be proud. Best, Monique & Nicolle

One way to truly live each moment, is to be grateful for each and every one of them.

With the ‘arm in flex’ as your center, create a mandala by writing in/doodling all your strengths, talents, accomplishments, challenges you’ve overcome, and things you love about yourself.

WRITING PROMPT Have you ever thought that your life experiences might be leading you somewhere or pointing you in a specific directions? Where and why?

Yet another random crossword J

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Love at 1st Sight Is love at 1st sight really possible? The movie depiction of this most often unfolds with 2 people catching each other’s eye across a crowded room, slowly making their way towards each other thru the throngs of people between them, and then coming face-to-face with the knowing that their search is over…they’ve found their one true love.

A quick Google search on this topic brought up these 4 points: • Men report love at 1st sight more than women • Love at 1st sight is usually one-sided • We are more likely to feel ‘love at 1st sight’ towards someone we find attractive • The feeling of ‘love’ we may experience at 1st sight, is not the same love that we come to feel for someone we’ve spend time getting to know, and may qualify more as ‘attraction at 1st sight.’

It is true that not all ‘love-bombers’ are abusers. Nonetheless, survivors of intimate partner violence often report being ‘love bombed’ when they 1st met their abusers. While ‘love at 1st sight’ is most often the stuff of fairytales and romantic comedies, love-bombing has an insidiousness about it in that the love bomber’s ultimate goal is to draw-in their ‘intended’ with excessive compliments, talk of ‘you’re the one’ and your bright future together, hyperbolic accounts of their accomplishments, and often disparaging tales of their ‘crazy exes.’ And ‘love- bombing’ with an abuser quickly turns to possessiveness, gas-lighting, raging jealousy, control, physical, emotional, and or verbal abuse, as well as often being isolated from family and friends.

It may be flattering to receive the focused attention from someone we find attractive. However, if this person-of-interest is trampling all over our boundaries, ignoring our preferences to move slowly, dismissing our vocalized concerns and hesitations, this relationship will never be our happily ever after!! In fact, we are most likely to be the ‘crazy ex’ in their story the next time they find their soulmate.

MOMS HELPING MOMS

Behavior is Communication

Whether our infant is crying because of a soiled diaper or because it’s approaching feeding time, or our toddler is throwing toys at a sibling, or our suddenly-surly teen is giving us the silent treatment, alI 3 are actually communicating with us (I’ve a mess in my diaper or I’m hungry; I’m mad at my brother/sister; I’m angry with you for not letting me go out with my friends, respectively). Even we, adults, are communicating via our behaviors. For children especially, it is important to remember that odd or different behaviors happen for a reason and are never ‘bad’. ‘Big’ feelings can come on quickly for the young, and sometimes even take them by surprise. It is our responsibility as parents or caretakers to get to the heart of the matter without making our children feel that their feelings are bad or wrong.

First, feeding our crying infant a few minutes before the usual scheduled feeding time or comforting our toddler whose sibling stole his/her favorite toy are easy fixes. At the same time, young children can be overwhelmed by their big feelings and act-out out of frustration or fear. Teaching our children to communicate their feelings or even to vocalize “I just got really mad at ‘so & so,’” rather than kicking the family pet, is a start to helping our children tap into their emotions while not making them feel bad for having them in the first place. Validating our children’s feelings is a way of ‘validating their reality.’ Saying ‘I understand you’re upset’ or “I know you’re sad” instead of “Stop crying’ or “Don’t make such a big deal about it!” is a way of communicating acceptance with our children, while also teaching them to trust their feelings.

Second, if we’ve laid the foundation of ‘feelings aren’t bad’ at a young age chances are we’ve established an ‘open communication’ policy with our children. Nonetheless, as children get older they naturally become more secretive and may turn to friends to talk things out or get advice. While it is important for children to have those bonds with friends, it is still our job as parents or caretakers to stay tuned-in to our adolescents’ new or unusual behaviors. It is also our job as parents to keep our children safe, and new, unusual, or aberrant behaviors can sometimes be a signal that our children are afraid, unsafe, or have been hurt in some way.

Another benefit of teaching our children that ‘feelings aren’t bad’ and that we can own all our feelings…our joy, sadness, and even our occasional grumpy moods and surliness, is that they will not grow-up to feel responsible for the feelings of others or that they might be able fix them by altering their own behaviors and actions.

Teaching children that all feelings are valid and that we are each responsible for our own, lays a solid foundation for a future of healthy relationships, whether it be platonic or romantic, where they can feel confident in taking ownership and expressing their own feelings, while not feeling responsible or somehow guilty for the feelings of others.

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