Dr. Cox’s Rants Taken from Scrubs Seasons 1-8 —1— —2— The book of love is long and boring And written very long ago It’s full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes And things we’re all too young to know But I I love it when you give me things And you You ought to give me wedding rings - Peter Gabriel —3— —4— -To Andy Congratulations Book Legend “Something I could easily shrug off” “Still makes me want to cut myself” Bold Type - Quotes from JD —5— —6— Season 1 “Man’s 92 years old, he has full dementia, he doesn’t even know we’re here, he is inches from Carla’s rack and he hasn’t even flinched.” “What about his subconscious?” “Eisenhower...was a sissy. I think, by the grace of God, we’re gonna be okay. Oh, and from now on, whenever I’m in the room, you’re definitely not allowed to talk. “ “What the hell are you doing? Did you actually just page me to find out how much Tylenol to give to Mrs. Lenchner?” “I was worried that it could exacerbate the patient......” “It’s regular strength Tylenol. Here’s what you do: get her to open her mouth, take a handful and throw it at her. Whatever sticks, that’s the correct dosage. And on under no circumstances are you to compromise our no talking agreement.” “Her? She’s dead. Write this down newbie: if you push around a stiff, nobody will ask you to do anything” —7— “Fair enough, you want some real advice? If they find out the nurses are doing your procedures for you, your ass will be kicked out of here so quick it will make your headspin. “ “Look.....worst case scenario, you kill somebody, and that hangs over your head the rest of your life. But that is the absolute worst case scenario. Come on newbie, look, just have the nurses do all the stuff you’re still too chicken to do which I assume covers just about everything and if you have a really rough admission....” “Call you?” “Nooo, I was gonna say go hide in the closet again. “ “Unfortunately radar, I’m fresh out of gold stars.” “You realise of course it’s your attention to detail that impresses me most.” “Oh, Dr Cox, I know I’m being annoying........” “I heard “I know I’m being annoying”, and then.... white noise.” “Do you know what you’ve just done? You just lost all lapdog privi- leges.” “Excuse me?” “No more walkies, no more treats, no more following me around the hospital.” —8— “Well, actually, you have a point. I guess watching the game by yourself with a scotch isn’t really the only way to watch a game, huh? I don’t know, it’s just that, I’ve always thought of needing people as a sign of weak- ness.” “It’s not.” “Well then, would you stay? And watch the game with me? Maybe have a slice of pizza?” “Of course I will.” “I can braid your hair. Now, I know the couch isn’t very deep, but we could move the back cushion and spoon. Hey you guys, what do you say? Beer and chips in the back. Just ignore hem, and would you tell me the answer to this question: Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?” “Now come here and give me a hug. It’s okay, come here. Come here. Ah, get outta here! And take this piss water with you. It’s embarrass- ing to have it here.” “Jeez, JD, would you be a man? If you can’t stick to your convictions you’ll never make it as a doctor. “ “So nothing was going on last night between me and Elliot.” “Good thing you still have your flower then.” “Look, if you have a medical question for me I’m forced by hospital policy to answer you, however, if you ask me about a personal problem, I’m going to start doing this *flicks his ear*.” “Boohoohoo..... but what about our duty as doctors.....? Look. This —9— has nothing to do with the patient. It’s all about you. You, are afraid of death, and you can’t be; you’re in medicine, you gotta accept the fact that everything we do here, everything, is a stall. We’re just trying to keep the game going, that’s it. But, ultimately, it always ends up the same way.” “What in the name of are-you-there-God-it’s-me-Margarath were you thinking? “Well, I’m new here, but I’m relatively certain that invasive vas- cular procedures have a very low success rate on dead people.” “That TIPS procedure was for Mrs. Blitt down in 103, you see, she doesn’t have insurance, Mr Martinez on the other hand had great insur- ance. Should I talk slower or go get a nurse who speaks fluent moron? I don’t know if they taught you this in the land of fairies and pup- py-dog tails where you obviously - if not grew up- then at least spent most of your summers, but you’re in the real word now. Nnnnn-kay? “What is your excuse you whiny little suck-up?” “Okay, Linus, you’re way too excited; I want you to get your blankie, go in a corner, and take a time-out” “I’m gonna go ahead and do this just as slowly as possible so you don’t misunderstand..... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO “ “Jeez Agnes, does the field hockey team know that you’re missing?” —10— “Listen Super Girl, I’m gonna break you down into so many little pieces that my grandmother, who can do a thousand piece puzzle of clear blue sky in less than an hour will never be able to finish putting you back together again, even if she does go back in time to when her vision was perfect” “Look Doogie, I’m up to my cha-chas in busy-work so I’m gonna go head take a rain-check on your report card - just have you do it yourself.” “You didn’t even fill out my name.” “Well now I think it’s John or Jimmy or “Jeh” or “Mmh” - oh gosh it’s in the j-family, but if you get in trouble just ask the nurses for help” “I err..., finished my evaluation.” “Oh great, I thought it was gonna take a little longer so the march- ing band won’t be here until this evening.” “Now you can have this thing back any time you wanna. You’re gonna have to bark like a dog though.” “Well I’m not gonna say that. You’re okay. You might be better than that someday, but right now all I see is a guy who’s so worried about what everybody else thinks of him that he has no real belief in himself. I mean, did you even wonder why I told you to do your own evaluation?” “I can’t think of a safe answer, I just figured...” “Clam up! I wanted you to think about yourself, and I mean really think. What are you good at? What do you suck at? And then I want you to put it down on paper. And not so I could see it, and not so anybody else could see it, but so you could see it. Because ultimately, you don’t have to answer to me, and you don’t have to answer to Kelso...you don’t even have to answer to your patients, for God’s sake! You only have to answer to one guy, newbie, and that’s you! There. You are...evaluated. Now get the hell out —11— of my sight. You honest to God get me so angry I’m afraid I just might hurt myself.” “Look, Dr Benson was kinda my mentor, so don’t do that annoying thing.” “What annoying thing?” “You know, when you talk.” “Come on, tha......” “See, there it is, how does that not drive you crazy?” “Hey you, for what it’s worth, I don’t care if your beeper plays “who let the dogs out hoof hoof” as many times as you like.....” “Actually sir, it’s “hoo, hoo”, but thank you. That, that’s great....” “Sure, oh, and Ginger, by the way, just a real smooth move running to your mommy.” “Excuse me?” “Yeah, your mummy cu-rushed me, she did. Uh, I’d like to issue a warning to everybody, and I’m dead serious. Fyi, JDs mommy has made it perfectly clear that she doesn’t want her daughter picked on anymore, nothing mean, she’s a precious flower and we should all be super nice to h e r.” “Newbie, stay! Ohh, what a good boy you are... Dear God, Judy, how much product do ya use?” “None! It’s like this when I wake up.” “Yeah, quick tip, there sports-star...... when you’re defensive about your feminine side, it just makes you seem more girly.” “This is the monkey I got to video-tape the birth.” “Banana hammock!” “I’m betting your ability to thrive under pressure is what drove you to medicine” —12— “Oh gosh Margery, aren’t you sassy today. Did Santa finally bring you that Y-chromosome you always wanted.” “Newbie, do you happen to know what a zebra is? It’s a diagnosis of a ridiculously obscure disease when it’s much more likely that the patient has a common illness presenting with uncommon symptoms.