SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 1
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SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 1 COLD OPEN FADE IN: INT. ADMISSIONS - DAY J.D. ENTERS through the lobby doors, pushing an OVERWEIGHT WOMAN in a wheelchair. J.D. (V.O.) To be a doctor, you need training, skill, and a real way with people. J.D. (CONT’D) Now just relax, remember to breathe, and you’ll be a mommy before you know it. OVERWEIGHT WOMAN I’m here for a gastric bypass, dumb- ass. J.D. My bad. He hands the wheelchair over to an ORDERLY. J.D. (V.O.) In the medical profession, we call that bedside manner. Keeping a patient calm and rational is a big part of our job, but keeping a patient calm and rational when you have no idea what’s wrong with them takes skill. A skill called lying. That’s something I learned very early. CUT TO: INT. HOSPITAL ROOM, A COUPLE SEASONS AGO - DAY J.D. stares horrified at a PATIENT with a third eye on his forehead. J.D mutters to himself. DR. KELSO stands next to J.D., a large, fake smile plastered on his face. SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 2 DR. KELSO I’d like to apologize for our intern, Mr. Kemp. He didn’t mean to scream, point, or recommend “Exorcism” as a treatment option. And let me also assure you that your condition is common, easily treated, and not, as our intern suggested... J.D. (under his breath) The work of the Dark Lord. DR. KELSO That’s the one. BACK TO PRESENT: INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY J.D. walks to the admissions desk and grabs a chart. J.D. (V.O.) But there’s a flip side to bedside manner. You’ve got to be able to separate the real illnesses from the imagined, the cause from the symptom, and the sick from the lying. You’ve got to be able to spot a lie as fast as you can tell one. Those are two skills I’ve never possessed. DR. COX and TURK join J.D. Something is troubling Dr. Cox. J.D. (CONT’D) Hey, Dr. Cox, what’s wrong? DR. COX What’s wrong? What’s wrong. I’m having your baby, that’s what’s wrong! J.D. Oh God! We’re not even married, what will my parents say? SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 3 DR. COX I’d like to thank you, Crockett, for helping me prove to your good friend Tubbs here, that you are, without a doubt, the most gullible girl on the playground. However, your response has left me even more confounded than your feeble attempts at healing the sick. See, I don’t quite know what disturbs me more; that your shocking lack of medical knowledge actually permitted you to believe I could be pregnant, or the fact that you didn’t seem surprised to learn that we’d slept together. J.D. I didn’t... DR. COX Either way, I’m going to have to go and shave my tongue for a good twenty minutes till the horrible mental picture of a baby you coming out of my nether regions has been erased. Thank goodness I have a crisp twenty dollar bill to ease the pain. Turk hands Dr. Cox a twenty. Dr. Cox exits. TURK I never thought you’d fall for that. J.D. I’m sorry you lost twenty bucks, Tubbs. TURK Dude, I’m not calling you Crockett. Turk walks away. J.D. But if you grow your hair, and I stop shaving till I get a masculine mini-beard, we could be the sexy- suave crime fighters of medicine. SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 4 TURK (O.S.) Not happening. J.D. stops at a mirror and pushes the sleeves on his white lab coat up to his elbows. JANITOR appears. JANITOR You know, I’ve always thought you looked a bit like Don Johnson. J.D. Really? JANITOR No, sorry, I meant Don Knotts. FADE OUT. SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 5 ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. NURSE’S DESK - DAY TURK, CARLA, and ELLIOTT are there. J.D. joins them. J.D. I’m tired of being the most gullible girl on the playground. Turk, Carla, you guys have to help me. CARLA Why us? J.D. If I’m going to learn to spot a liar, I need to be trained by people who’ve mastered the art of lying. Married people. CARLA I do not lie. TURK Yeah, you’ve got the wrong couple, dude. CARLA With the view you have of married people it’s no wonder you’re single, Bambi. TURK Yeah, I wouldn’t even know the first thing about how to lie to my wife. Carla kisses Turk and exits. TURK Alright, first thing, you’ve got to find their tell. J.D. I thought you didn’t lie. TURK You don’t marry Chef Rolaids without learning to tell a few white lies. SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 6 ELLIOT You always tell me Carla’s a great cook. TURK I can’t trust you with the truth that her tostadas taste like old lady feet and keep me in the bathroom all night, now can I? J.D. Alright, where do we start? ELLIOT Hey, what about me? I lie just as well as Turk. TURK Don’t kid yourself, Smelliot, nobody lies better than me. J.D. (V.O.) Smelliot. How does his wonderful, chocolate brain come up with this stuff? ELLIOT Look at me! I’m one big lie. I’m not this tall, my breasts aren’t this elevated naturally, this isn’t even my real hair! She grabs her hair and pulls, J.D. and Turk gasp. ELLIOT That was a lie! Thank you for proving my point. TURK You can’t roll with the big dog just because you wear heels. ELLIOT J.D., you’ve seen me in the morning. Is this at all what I look like? J.D. thinks. CUT TO: SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 7 INT. J.D.’S BEDROOM - MORNING J.D. is snuggled up on his side. Elliot’s voice wakes him. ELLIOT (O.S.) Morning, J.D. J.D. smiles and rolls over. He is horrified to see Elliot’s voice coming out of the mouth of a HAIRY, OVERWEIGHT MAN. J.D. yelps. The Elliot-Man covers his face with his hands. ELLIOT Don’t look at me, I don’t have my face on! BACK TO REALITY: INT. NURSE’S DESK - DAY J.D. is transfixed, horrified. TURK J.D.? J.D. She’s in. DR. COX joins them. DR. COX Forgive me for breaking up the sewing circle, but I’m wondering if I might be able to drag one of you away from your gab-fest to practice playing doctor on a real live sick person. It seems Mr. Bauer is back again, and while I do so love watching a professional hypochondriac work a room, I’d rather spend my time cannibalizing myself with a spork. So, who wants him? TURK I’m a surgeon. SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 8 ELLIOT I have to check on Mrs. Riley’s test results. DR. COX That leaves you, Sally. What’s your excuse? J.D. I have to...go...poopy. DR. COX I’m sorry, the correct answer was anything but that. We’ve got some wonderful parting gifts for you, though. Ooh, what’s this? Dr. Cox shoves the file in J.D.’s arms. DR. COX It’s Mr. Bauer’s case file! Packed with three months of expensive tests for imaginary diseases, Mr. Bauer is guaranteed to provide you with hours of soul-sucking banality! Thanks for playing, remember to have yourself spayed or neutered. Dr. Cox pinches J.D.’s cheeks and walks off. TURK This is perfect, Sacred Heart’s top seeded hypochondriac. J.D. It’s been three months, Turk! Better men then me have tried to diagnose him, and they’ve failed. TURK That’s why it’s perfect. If you can spot Bauer’s tells, if you can cure Bauer and get him out of here for good... J.D. I’ll be Dr. Unstoppable. TURK Something like that. You coming, Elliot? SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 9 ELLIOT I really should check on Mrs. Riley, but Turk’s right, watch for their tells. If they’re lying, they’ll flip their hair and adjust their thong. TURK Not everyone has the same tells as you. INT. MR. BAUER’S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY MR. BAUER, a kind, old man, lays in bed. J.D. and TURK enter. Turk pulls J.D. aside. TURK Now go get him, and don’t let him push you around. Stay strong, stay tough. J.D. But he’s so cute. TURK He’s not sick. Aside from the arthritis, the hemorrhoids, and the bones as strong as Vanilla Wafers he’s in perfect health. Show him who’s boss. J.D steps up to the foot of the bed. J.D. So, Mr. Bauer, this is your third visit this month. What’s the problem this time? MR. BAUER I’m sorry to keep bothering you folks here, but I just don’t feel right. J.D. (V.O.) He hasn’t touched his thong once. Bauer’s good. MR. BAUER I’ve had this awful headache for the last few days... SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 10 J.D. (V.O.) C’mon Bauer, give me something! MR. BAUER It started while I was watching my soaps.