SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 1
COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
INT. ADMISSIONS - DAY
J.D. ENTERS through the lobby doors, pushing an OVERWEIGHT WOMAN in a wheelchair.
J.D. (V.O.) To be a doctor, you need training, skill, and a real way with people.
J.D. (CONT’D) Now just relax, remember to breathe, and you’ll be a mommy before you know it.
OVERWEIGHT WOMAN I’m here for a gastric bypass, dumb- ass.
J.D. My bad. He hands the wheelchair over to an ORDERLY. J.D. (V.O.) In the medical profession, we call that bedside manner. Keeping a patient calm and rational is a big part of our job, but keeping a
patient calm and rational when you have no idea what’s wrong with them takes skill. A skill called lying. That’s something I learned very early.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM, A COUPLE SEASONS AGO - DAY J.D. stares horrified at a PATIENT with a third eye on his forehead. J.D mutters to himself.
DR. KELSO stands next to J.D., a large, fake smile plastered on his face.
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 2
DR. KELSO I’d like to apologize for our intern, Mr. Kemp. He didn’t mean to scream, point, or recommend “Exorcism” as a treatment option. And let me also assure you that your condition is common, easily treated, and not, as our intern suggested...
J.D. (under his breath) The work of the Dark Lord.
DR. KELSO That’s the one.
BACK TO PRESENT:
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
J.D. walks to the admissions desk and grabs a chart.
J.D. (V.O.) But there’s a flip side to bedside manner. You’ve got to be able to separate the real illnesses from the imagined, the cause from the symptom, and the sick from the lying. You’ve got to be able to spot a lie as fast as you can tell one. Those are two skills I’ve never possessed.
DR. COX and TURK join J.D. Something is troubling Dr. Cox.
J.D. (CONT’D) Hey, Dr. Cox, what’s wrong?
DR. COX What’s wrong? What’s wrong. I’m having your baby, that’s what’s wrong!
J.D. Oh God! We’re not even married, what will my parents say?
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 3
DR. COX I’d like to thank you, Crockett, for helping me prove to your good friend Tubbs here, that you are, without a doubt, the most gullible girl on the playground. However, your response has left me even more confounded than your feeble attempts at healing the sick. See, I don’t quite know what disturbs me more; that your shocking lack of medical knowledge actually permitted you to believe I could be pregnant, or the fact that you didn’t seem surprised to learn that we’d slept together.
J.D. I didn’t...
DR. COX Either way, I’m going to have to go and shave my tongue for a good twenty minutes till the horrible mental picture of a baby you coming out of my nether regions has been erased. Thank goodness I have a crisp twenty dollar bill to ease the pain.
Turk hands Dr. Cox a twenty.
Dr. Cox exits.
TURK I never thought you’d fall for that.
J.D. I’m sorry you lost twenty bucks, Tubbs.
TURK Dude, I’m not calling you Crockett.
Turk walks away.
J.D. But if you grow your hair, and I stop shaving till I get a masculine mini-beard, we could be the sexy- suave crime fighters of medicine.
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 4
TURK (O.S.) Not happening.
J.D. stops at a mirror and pushes the sleeves on his white lab coat up to his elbows.
JANITOR appears.
JANITOR You know, I’ve always thought you looked a bit like Don Johnson.
J.D. Really?
JANITOR No, sorry, I meant Don Knotts.
FADE OUT.
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 5
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT. NURSE’S DESK - DAY
TURK, CARLA, and ELLIOTT are there. J.D. joins them.
J.D. I’m tired of being the most gullible girl on the playground. Turk, Carla, you guys have to help me.
CARLA Why us?
J.D. If I’m going to learn to spot a liar, I need to be trained by people who’ve mastered the art of lying. Married people.
CARLA I do not lie.
TURK Yeah, you’ve got the wrong couple, dude.
CARLA With the view you have of married people it’s no wonder you’re single, Bambi.
TURK Yeah, I wouldn’t even know the first thing about how to lie to my wife.
Carla kisses Turk and exits.
TURK Alright, first thing, you’ve got to find their tell.
J.D. I thought you didn’t lie.
TURK You don’t marry Chef Rolaids without learning to tell a few white lies.
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 6
ELLIOT You always tell me Carla’s a great cook.
TURK I can’t trust you with the truth that her tostadas taste like old lady feet and keep me in the bathroom all night, now can I?
J.D. Alright, where do we start?
ELLIOT Hey, what about me? I lie just as well as Turk.
TURK Don’t kid yourself, Smelliot, nobody lies better than me.
J.D. (V.O.) Smelliot. How does his wonderful, chocolate brain come up with this stuff?
ELLIOT Look at me! I’m one big lie. I’m not this tall, my breasts aren’t this elevated naturally, this isn’t even my real hair!
She grabs her hair and pulls, J.D. and Turk gasp.
ELLIOT That was a lie! Thank you for proving my point.
TURK You can’t roll with the big dog just because you wear heels.
ELLIOT J.D., you’ve seen me in the morning. Is this at all what I look like?
J.D. thinks.
CUT TO:
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 7
INT. J.D.’S BEDROOM - MORNING
J.D. is snuggled up on his side. Elliot’s voice wakes him.
ELLIOT (O.S.) Morning, J.D.
J.D. smiles and rolls over.
He is horrified to see Elliot’s voice coming out of the mouth of a HAIRY, OVERWEIGHT MAN.
J.D. yelps.
The Elliot-Man covers his face with his hands.
ELLIOT Don’t look at me, I don’t have my face on!
BACK TO REALITY:
INT. NURSE’S DESK - DAY
J.D. is transfixed, horrified.
TURK J.D.?
J.D. She’s in.
DR. COX joins them.
DR. COX Forgive me for breaking up the sewing circle, but I’m wondering if I might be able to drag one of you away from your gab-fest to practice playing doctor on a real live sick person. It seems Mr. Bauer is back again, and while I do so love watching a professional hypochondriac work a room, I’d rather spend my time cannibalizing myself with a spork. So, who wants him?
TURK I’m a surgeon.
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 8
ELLIOT I have to check on Mrs. Riley’s test results.
DR. COX That leaves you, Sally. What’s your excuse?
J.D. I have to...go...poopy.
DR. COX I’m sorry, the correct answer was anything but that. We’ve got some wonderful parting gifts for you, though. Ooh, what’s this?
Dr. Cox shoves the file in J.D.’s arms.
DR. COX It’s Mr. Bauer’s case file! Packed with three months of expensive tests for imaginary diseases, Mr. Bauer is guaranteed to provide you with hours of soul-sucking banality! Thanks for playing, remember to have yourself spayed or neutered.
Dr. Cox pinches J.D.’s cheeks and walks off.
TURK This is perfect, Sacred Heart’s top seeded hypochondriac.
J.D. It’s been three months, Turk! Better men then me have tried to diagnose him, and they’ve failed.
TURK That’s why it’s perfect. If you can spot Bauer’s tells, if you can cure Bauer and get him out of here for good...
J.D. I’ll be Dr. Unstoppable.
TURK Something like that. You coming, Elliot?
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 9
ELLIOT I really should check on Mrs. Riley, but Turk’s right, watch for their tells. If they’re lying, they’ll flip their hair and adjust their thong.
TURK Not everyone has the same tells as you.
INT. MR. BAUER’S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
MR. BAUER, a kind, old man, lays in bed.
J.D. and TURK enter. Turk pulls J.D. aside.
TURK Now go get him, and don’t let him push you around. Stay strong, stay tough.
J.D. But he’s so cute.
TURK He’s not sick. Aside from the arthritis, the hemorrhoids, and the bones as strong as Vanilla Wafers he’s in perfect health. Show him who’s boss.
J.D steps up to the foot of the bed.
J.D. So, Mr. Bauer, this is your third visit this month. What’s the problem this time?
MR. BAUER I’m sorry to keep bothering you folks here, but I just don’t feel right.
J.D. (V.O.) He hasn’t touched his thong once. Bauer’s good.
MR. BAUER I’ve had this awful headache for the last few days...
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 10
J.D. (V.O.) C’mon Bauer, give me something!
MR. BAUER It started while I was watching my soaps.
J.D. (V.O.) Scratch your head, pick your teeth, suck your toes, anything!
MR. BAUER It feels like it’s more in my sinuses than my skull.
J.D. (V.O.) The pressure! I cant’ take it!
J.D. (CONT’D) Let’s cut the malarkey, Bauer!
MR. BAUER What?
J.D. Why are you wasting my time, grandpa?
MR. BAUER I’m sorry, I don’t mean to...
J.D. The truth, Bauer!
TURK (quietly, to J.D.) Dude, what are you doing?
J.D. Keep out of this, mole face!
Turk is shocked.
INT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
TURK storms down the hallway, J.D. tries to catch up.
J.D. I’m sorry!
TURK I don’t want to hear it.
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 11
J.D. I love your mole!
TURK Leave me alone, J.D.
Turk rounds a corner and exits.
J.D. It’s like a beautiful cocoa sprinkle!
J.D. falls to his knees and bangs his head against the floor.
JANITOR appears, pulls J.D. to his feet.
JANITOR You wanna do me a favor and keep your greasy forehead off my floors?
J.D. Don’t start with me, Janitor.
Janitor can’t believe he just said that.
Neither can J.D.
J.D. (V.O.) I think I’m about to be mopped to death.
J.D. (CONT’D) Sorry, Janitor, I’m having a bad day.
JANITOR Oh, that’s okay, I understand. It must be hard getting paid well while being treated with respect and admiration. Must be rough being a doctor. Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some vomit to clean up for 7 bucks an hour.
Janitor exits.
J.D. You’re mean!
J.D. (V.O.) Good one J.D.
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 12
J.D. (CONT’D) Thanks J.D.
J.D. sees Turk and Carla talking at the nurse’s desk. Turk looks up and glares at J.D. He points J.D. out to Carla.
Carla spins, spots J.D, strides toward him.
J.D. ducks into the nearest hospital room.
INT. MRS. RILEY’S HOSPITAL ROOM
Elliot is standing by the bed, checking the IV.
MRS. RILEY lies on the bed; she is very old and very small.
J.D. enters and slides under the bed.
ELLIOT (hushed) J.D.! What are you doing?
J.D. Carla’s coming.
MRS. RILEY This is exciting! Do you do this for every patient?
J.D. (patting her arm from beneath the bed) Just the very special ones, Mrs....old lady.
ELLIOT Mrs. Riley.
MRS. RILEY Yes?
CARLA enters. She reaches under the bed and pulls J.D. out.
CARLA You called my husband “mole face”? What is wrong with you, Bambi?
MRS. RILEY Hit him!
They react.
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 13
MRS. RILEY Sorry, don’t mind me.
CARLA You know how sensitive he is about that, J.D.
J.D. I’m sorry!
CARLA What got into you?
J.D. Mr. Bauer wouldn’t suck his toes.
CARLA AND ELLIOT What?
J.D. Oh, forget it, I’m doomed to being Gullible Greta for the rest of my life.
ELLIOT “Gullible Greta”? Who came up with that?
J.D. I did. (then) It’s alliterative.
J.D. (V.O.) Thank you word-a-day calendar.
CARLA Gullible Greta? Is this still about that lying thing? Fine, you wanna know how to spot a liar?
ELLIOT Hair tosses and thongs adjustments.
CARLA Not all liars are thirteen year old girls or strippers, Elliot.
MRS. RILEY I hate thongs, they make my behind look huge.
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 14
CARLA You have to find their tell.
J.D. That’s exactly what Turk said.
CARLA Turk? Turk’s helping you?
J.D. Yeah, he said “you don’t marry Chef Rolaids”...oh, crap.
CARLA Chef Rolaids? What does that mean?
MRS. RILEY It means your cooking gives him diarrhea, sweetie.
CARLA He told you he doesn’t like my cooking?
J.D. (V.O.) Remember what you’ve learned.
J.D. tosses his hair and adjusts his underpants.
J.D. (CONT’D) No, he thinks you’re a great cook.
CARLA That mole-faced jerk!
She storms off.
ELLIOT Are you wearing a thong?
J.D. I don’t like my scrubs to have lines.
MRS. RILEY I thought your butt looked huge.
ELLIOT I’m going to consult with Dr. Dorian for a moment, Mrs. Riley, then I’ll be right back to check on you.
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 15
MRS. RILEY Well, hurry up, I’m feeling pretty crappy over here.
Elliot and J.D. exit.
INT. HALLWAY
Elliot and J.D. step into the hallway to find DR. KELSO waiting.
DR. KELSO Dr. Reid, might I trouble you for a moment?
ELLIOT Certainly, Dr. Kelso.
DR. KELSO I was just wondering why dear, old Mrs. Riley is complaining of fatigue but has yet to be scheduled for a battery of blood tests.
ELLIOT Mrs. Riley was just diagnosed and the blood tests would not only be unnecessary, but expensive.
DR. KELSO Well, by all means then, let’s treat her and turn her loose.
ELLIOT I’ve got it under control, Dr. Kelso. I wish you would have more faith in me.
DR. KELSO And my wife wishes I would stop using her prosthetic hand as a door stop.
J.D. and Elliot react.
DR. KELSO My wife recently had an encounter with a mountain lion. Do I have to share every part of my personal life with my staff? I look forward to reading your diagnosis, Dr. Reid.
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 16
ELLIOT I look forward to it too.
Elliot tosses her hair and adjusts her underwear.
J.D. notices.
Elliot moves in slow motion as J.D. spots her tell.
ELLIOT Maybe now you’ll start trusting me a little bit.
DR. KELSO I trust you completely, Dr. Reid.
Dr. Kelso clicks his pen in slow motion, J.D. spots it.
J.D. Do you really?
DR. KELSO Are you deaf, son? I already said yes.
Dr. Kelso clicks his pen again.
J.D. Do you trust me?
DR. KELSO No.
No clicking.
J.D. (V.O.) Ah, the truth. The sad truth.
DR. KELSO Let’s try to get her out of here by this afternoon, okay Dr. Reid?
ELLIOT It’s all taken care of. I do know what I’m doing, Dr. Kelso.
Elliot furiously adjusts her underwear.
Dr. Kelso exits.
J.D. realizes TODD is next to him, watching Elliot adjust her thong.
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 17
TODD I thought I heard a thong rustling.
J.D. Where did you come from?
Todd smiles, holds up his hand.
TODD Creepy-apperance-from-out-of- nowhere five?
J.D. Elliot, that was a lie.
ELLIOT What?
J.D. When you told Kelso that you knew what you were doing, you adjusted your thong. You were lying.
TODD I could watch you lie all day, Elliot.
J.D. How have you not been sued for sexual harassment?
ELLIOT I don’t have a clue what’s wrong with her, J.D. I had to lie to him.
J.D. I DID IT! You adjust your underwear and Dr. Kelso clicks his pen!
ELLIOT What?
J.D. When he’s lying, he clicks his pen! He was clicking like a crazy person when he said he trusted you. He doesn’t trust you! YAY!
J.D. skips away.
Elliot looks at Todd.
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 18
ELLIOT What?
Todd throws a pen on the ground.
TODD Could you bend down to pick that up and then tell me you can’t find it?
INT. ADMISSIONS - MOMENTS LATER
J.D. skips through the lobby.
J.D. (V.O.) Now that I could spot a liar, I felt more like a doctor than ever. Goodbye Gullible Greta, hello Doctor...
He slips and falls on the freshly mopped floor.
J.D. (V.O.) Mmmm, Piney.
JANITOR appears. He tries to move J.D. with his mop, rubbing it in his face.
JANITOR Hmmm. This isn’t coming up. Looks like I may have to scrape it off with my screwdriver.
J.D. jumps up.
J.D. You know, Janitor, I have half a mind...
JANITOR You have half a mind?
J.D. Let me finish! I should report you. Wet floor, no signs, someone could get hurt.
DR. COX walks by, slips and falls.
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 19
DR. COX (from the ground) Since I’m currently unable to feel my legs, I’m forced to skip over the butt kicking portion of our conversation, and inquire as to why there are no wet floor signs around this area.
JANITOR There were, but some little kid took them for his treehouse.
Janitor itches his back with his mop handle in slow motion. J.D. spots it.
J.D. Liar.
JANITOR What?
J.D. You’re lying.
J.D. (V.O.) These new powers are amazing! Now, if only they could help me to fly.
Dr. Cox gets up.
DR. COX I’m going to pretend that these past couple minutes never happened, as my powers of selective memory are pretty much the only way I get through my days here without ending up sucking my toes in the mental ward. If you two poster children for natural selection will excuse me, I’ve got some very important work to do.
Dr. Cox cracks his knuckles in slow motion, J.D. spots it.
J.D. You don’t have work to do.
DR. COX Excuse me, Dr. Dorian?
J.D. (V.O.) Up, up, and away!
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 20
J.D. shoots his arms into the air. Nothing happens.
DR. COX I’m going now, you two idiots terrify me.
Dr. Cox exits. Janitor glares at J.D.
JANITOR I’d watch my back if I were you.
J.D. I’d shave my back if I were you.
Janitor itches his back with his mop handle.
J.D. (V.O.) Ha HA! J.D. one, Janitor nothing.
J.D. turns to leave, slips and falls.
J.D. (V.O.) As I lay there, trying to convince everyone that I meant to do that...
J.D. (CONT’D) This spot of the floor is sooooo comfortable!
J.D. (V.O.) ...I started thinking about lies. Maybe lies aren’t that big a deal. Maybe it’s better to let them slip by. After all...
JANITOR appears, stands over J.D.
J.D. (V.O.) ...the truth can leave a sour taste in your mouth.
Janitor wrings out his mop on J.D.’s face.
JANITOR Can’t find my bucket.
J.D. What’s that sour taste?
JANITOR It’s best if you don’t know.
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 21
INT. NURSE’S DESK
J.D. (V.O.) Sometimes lies hurt less than the truth.
Turk and Carla argue.
CARLA Chef Rolaids? That’s what you call me?
TURK It’s a term of endearment, baby.
CARLA What else do you lie to me about, Turk? Do you lie about how much you love me?
TURK C’mon, Carla, don’t make a mountain out of a mole hill.
Carla reacts.
Turk notices.
TURK Molasses.
Carla doesn’t react.
TURK Moltav cocktail.
Carla doesn’t react.
TURK Mole.
Carla reacts.
TURK You hate my mole!
CARLA You hate my cooking!
TURK Chef Rolaids!
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 22
CARLA Dr. Mole!
They storm off in opposite directions.
INT. MRS. RILEY’S HOSPITAL ROOM
Mrs. Riley is sleeping.
Elliot pours over Mrs. Riley’s chart. DR. KELSO walks by.
DR. KELSO How’s everything going, Dr. Reed?
ELLIOT I know what I’m doing, Dr. Kelso.
J.D. (V.O.) But sometimes, a little white lie can cause a lot of damage.
Mrs. Riley flatlines.
Elliot drops the chart as NURSES rush into the room, elbowing her out of the way.
FADE OUT.
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 23
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
J.D. lies on the floor.
From his POV, legs clad in green scrubs hurdle him. A pair of red scrubs follow, jumping over him as well.
J.D. sits up.
A DOCTOR and a NURSE, the owner’s of the legs, run down the hall and around the corner.
J.D. (V.O.) Running in a hospital usually means one of two things.
CUT TO:
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
A COOK slams a tray full of tater tots into the buffet line.
The doors to the cafeteria fly open. TODD stands at the head of a pack of DOCTORS, NURSES, and SURGEONS.
TODD The Todd smells the tots!
The pack streams past Todd, fighting their way to the tater tots, while Todd laughs maniacally.
BACK TO REALITY:
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
J.D. runs after the doctor and nurse.
J.D. (V.O.) But since this was Friday, and we weren’t due for another Tater Tot Tuesday until...well, Tuesday, it could only mean...
INT. MRS. RILEY’S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
J.D. fights his way into the room, TWO NURSES step aside to let him through.
J.D. BP’s dropping, what happened?
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 24
He directs this at Elliot, who stands frozen.
J.D. Elliot, what happened?
ELLIOT I...I don’t know.
DR. COX enters the room and pushes Elliot out of the way.
DR. COX Airway’s blocked, I need a trache kit.
J.D. Initiating CPR.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
ELLIOT exits Mrs. Riley’s room and sits on a chair in the hallway.
TWO NURSES with a crash cart sprint past her and into the hospital room.
DR. KELSO rounds the corner and starts toward Elliot. She stands and turns, hurrying to the nurse’s desk.
As she rounds the hallway corner, she takes a quick glance behind her. Dr. Kelso is gone.
She turns back around and runs right into him.
ELLIOT How do you do that?
DR. KELSO Dr. Reid, is that your patient in there regaling the nursing staff with her very own tunnel-with-a- white-light-at-the-end-of-it anecdote?
Elliot turns and looks into Mrs. Riley’s room. MRS. RILEY is sitting up and smiling. A NURSE wipes her brow.
ELLIOT Oh, thank goodness.
DR. COX enters from Mrs. Riley’s room.
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 25
DR. KELSO Might I inquire as to how she went from the discharge short list to flatline in less time than it takes me to squash an intern’s dream of ever practicing medicine without the words “leeches” or “chiropractor” thrown in?
DR. COX She went into a Myxedema coma, Bob. She’s not the first.
DR. KELSO Thank you for your input, Perry, but I was chewing on Dr. Reid’s hind quarters, if you don’t mind.
DR. COX It’s a very common side effect of untreated hypothyroidism.
DR. KELSO Really? Dr. Reid, perhaps you can explain how you missed something as textbook as hypothyroidism during what you so charmingly referred to as your “diagnosis”.
ELLIOT I just missed it.
DR. KELSO How? I’m sure it stuck out like Perry’s ears in the blood tests.
ELLIOT I didn’t order the blood tests yet.
DR. KELSO Correct me if I’m wrong, Dr. Reid, but it’s starting to sound as if you lied to me.
ELLIOT I’m sorry, sir.
Dr. Kelso steps closer.
DR. KELSO Save your sorry for Mrs. Riley, Doctor. After all, she’s the one you almost killed.
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 26
DR. COX Lay off, Bob.
DR. KELSO I’m sorry, I must have had one of your springy, ridiculous curls lodged in my ear, Perry. What did you say?
DR. COX I’m just guessing here, but I bet she lied to you to get you off her back, since your idea of being a doctor is second guessing your staff while conveniently avoiding anything resembling the actual practice of medicine. Maybe if you spent a little more time mentoring and a little less time intimidating your staff might learn something, the hospital might run more efficiently, and we might get to spend our evenings on the Sacred Heart bowling team, where we battle the evil “Strike Squad” from the hardware store in a climatic show- down for the coveted bowling ball beer cozy like the happy medical family we are.
DR. KELSO Do you breathe when you talk?
DR. COX Let me cut right to the point; she lied to you because it’s smarter, easier, and less of a giant pain in the ass then telling you the truth.
Dr. Cox turns and walks off down the hall. Elliot chases after him and catches him, jumping in his path.
ELLIOT Thank you.
DR. COX You grab those peppy, sugar-coated words and shove them right back in your mouth, barbie.
ELLIOT What?
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 27
DR. COX While I certainly understand why you lied to that walking skeleton, I can’t understand or excuse what just happened in that room. I’ve lost a lot of people on my watch, blondie, but never without a fight, and never because I was too ashamed to ask for help.
Dr. Cox exits. Elliot is stunned.
INT. NURSE’S DESK - DAY
Carla sits, fuming. She holds a foil wrapped package with a note attached to it. The note reads: Turk’s Tostadas. Hands off!
Carla crumples up the note.
J.D. approaches.
J.D. Carla, have you seen Turk?
CARLA I think he’s out back, looking for his shadow.
J.D. What?
CARLA Oh, that’s a groundhog, nevermind.
J.D. Is everything alright?
CARLA No, everything’s all messed up! Why did you have to tell me he didn’t like my cooking?
J.D. Uh, if you’ll remember, I tried not to. You saw right through me.
CARLA Well, you’re about as opaque as plastic wrap.
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 28
J.D. I thought you’d be happy you knew the truth.
CARLA I liked it better when I was being lied to! I know I can’t cook, but Turk always pretended I could. I liked that, it was sweet, even if I knew he was full of it. Now, every time he eats my tostadas, I’ll know that even though his mouth may be saying, “Mmmm”, his mole will be saying, “Ewww”.
J.D. (V.O.) It talks? What can’t that thing do?!
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
Elliot sits at a table, pouring over textbooks. She takes a long drink of coffee.
TURK slams his tray onto the table and sits down across from Elliot.
TURK What are you doing?
ELLIOT Studying.
TURK Cause you almost killed Mrs...
ELLIOT What are you doing?
TURK Eating a cafeteria dinner.
ELLIOT I thought Carla made you tostadas?
TURK She yelled at me, took my tostadas, and gave them to Eats Anything Hoolihan.
Turk points to an EATS ANYTHING HOOLIHAN, a very overweight man in a cafeteria workers uniform preparing to eat Carla’s tostadas.
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 29
He wipes his hands on his napkin before eating it. While chewing the napkin, he dumps tostadas out of the foil wrapping they came in.
He shoves the aluminum foil in his mouth, pouring salt and ketchup in with it, while he examines the tostadas. He takes a big bite.
He immediately spits it out, disgusted.
TURK Hey, my wife made that!
EATS ANYTHING HOOLIHAN It makes my mouth sad.
TURK Give it to me!
Turk grabs his dinner back.
TURK You don’t know what you’re missing.
Turk takes a big bite.
TURK It may not be gourmet, but she made it for me, just for me. And for that reason alone, it’s delicious.
CARLA You mean that, baby?
Turk turns, Carla is revealed behind him.
TURK You know it.
She runs to him and kisses him.
TURK Wait, wait, wait. What about my mole? You said you hate it.
CARLA You didn’t let me finish, I’d hate your mole on anyone but you. On you, it’s adorable.
She kisses his mole.
They kiss.
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 30
INT. MR. BAUER’S HOSPITAL ROOM - EVENING
J.D. stands at the foot of the bed, examining Mr. Bauer’s chart. Mr. Bauer is sleeping.
J.D. (V.O.) Even with my new found powers, I still wasn’t able to figure out what was wrong with Mr. Bauer.
Mr. Bauer wakes and sees J.D.
J.D. I’m sorry, Mr. Bauer, did I wake you?
MR. BAUER No, it’s not your fault. I have problems sleeping lately.
J.D. I was just reading about that. That and the headaches, the trouble breathing, the pains in your heart, the numbness.
Mr. Bauer smiles.
J.D. How long have you had trouble sleeping?
MR. BAUER A while.
J.D. Three months?
MR. BAUER Three months.
J.D. (V.O.) And just like that, I spotted his tell.
J.D. (CONT’D) How long ago did you wife die, Mr. Bauer?
Mr. Bauer rolls onto his side.
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 31
MR. BAUER You have more important things to do than listen to me complain.
J.D. (V.O.) Which is exactly what I would’ve normally said. Which is exactly what others had been saying for three months. Which was the worst lie of all.
J.D. pulls up a chair to his bedside.
J.D. How long were you married?
Mr. Bauer rolls back over, smiles, his eyes spilling tears.
INT. ADMISSIONS - NIGHT
JANITOR is mopping the floors.
J.D. (V.O.) Until today, I had never realized how much people lie on a daily basis.
DR. COX walks by, slips and falls on the freshly mopped floor.
J.D. (V.O.) People lie to save their jobs.
JANITOR Damn kid. I’ll tell you one thing, though, he’s going to have the safest treehouse floors in America. America, great country, isn’t it? I’m gonna go salute something.
JANITOR exits.
DR. KELSO walks up to Dr. Cox.
J.D. (V.O.) People lie to save face.
DR. KELSO Are you looking for the big dipper in the spitball constellations on the ceiling tiles, or did you slip and fall like a moron?
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 32
DR. COX Neither, actually, I like laying here. This spot of floor is rather comfortable.
INT. CAFETERIA - NIGHT
Carla and Turk are feeding each other tostadas and gazing into each other’s eyes.
J.D. (V.O.) People lie to spare other’s feelings.
CARLA More baby?
TURK I’m stuffed, I couldn’t eat another bite.
Carla is hurt.
TURK Of normal food. I could eat these tostadas all night!
She smiles, he takes a bite from her fingers. She wipes food from his mole, fighting a grimace.
INT. CAFETERIA, ANOTHER TABLE - NIGHT
Elliot is still studying. She looks exhausted.
J.D. (V.O.) People lie because their pride won’t let them admit their faults.
Elliot raises her coffee cup to her lips. It is empty. She slams it back down.
DR KELSO refills her cup.
DR. KELSO Studying?
Elliot looks up, nods.
DR. KELSO Well, I’ll let you get back to it.
SCRUBS - "My Bedside Manner" 33
ELLIOT I could use some help, if you’ve got the time.
Dr. Kelso sits, takes a book and flips to a page.
DR. KELSO What are the major symptoms of pernicious anemia?
INT. MR. BAUER’S HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT
J.D. sits next to Mr. Bauer. They look at a photo of Mrs. Bauer.
J.D. (V.O.) And people lie because the truth is just too painful.
Mr. Bauer laughs, J.D. smiles.
J.D. (V.O.) I guess I had it wrong: a doctor’s bedside manner isn’t about telling the patients what they want to hear, or ignoring what you think are phony symptoms and phantom pain. Bedside manner is all about how good you listen.
J.D. (CONT’D) How’s your headache?
MR. BAUER (surprised) Huh, what do you know? It’s gone.
FADE OUT.