OUR TRANS LOVED ONES:

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS FOR PARENTS, FAMILIES, AND FRIENDS OF PEOPLE WHO ARE TRANSGENDER AND GENDER EXPANSIVE If you or a loved one needs immediate assistance, please turn to the inside back cover of this publication for a list of crisis helplines. Otherwise, contact us at info@pflag.org or (202) 467-8180 to find the PFLAG chapter nearest you. ABOUT PFLAG

Founded in 1972 with the simple act of a mother publicly supporting her gay son, PFLAG is the original family and ally organization. Made up of parents, families, friends, and allies uniting with people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ), PFLAG is committed to advancing equality through its mission of support, education, and advocacy. PFLAG has more than 350 chapters and 200,000 members and supporters crossing multiple generations of American families in major urban centers, small cities, and rural areas in all 50 states and Puerto Rico. This vast grassroots network is cultivated, resourced, and supported by the PFLAG National office (located in Washington, DC), the National Board of Directors, the Regional Directors Council, and our many advisory councils and boards. PFLAG is a nonprofit organization not affiliated with any political or religious institution.

Our Vision. PFLAG envisions a • Support for families, allies and world where diversity is celebrated people who are LGBTQ and all people are respected, valued, • Education for ourselves and and affirmed inclusive of their others about the unique issues sexual orientation, gender identity, and challenges facing people and gender expression. who are LGBTQ Our Mission. By meeting people • Advocacy in our communities where they are and collaborating to change attitudes and create with others, PFLAG realizes its policies and laws that achieve vision through: full equality for people who are LGBTQ

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones i About this publication: This guide focuses on providing support for families and friends of transgender and gender-expansive children, adolescents, and adults. Our experiences, expertise, knowledge, and resources continue to evolve over time, and therefore, we encourage you to check with medical, mental health, social services, and other professional providers, or local support groups—including PFLAG chapters—for the most up-to-date information on transgender and gender-expansive experiences.

Please note: The experiences of intersex young people and adults are not included in the scope of this publication. If you are seeking information specific to the intersex community, please visit the Intersex Society of North America at isna.org, and be sure to consult their Tips for Parents, found at isna.org/articles/tips_for_parents. Or visit Advocates for Informed Choice at aiclegal.org.

Our Trans Loved Ones: Questions and Answers for Parents, Families, and Friends of People Who Are Transgender and Gender Expansive is copyrighted. For reprint permission, please contact the PFLAG National office, [email protected], (202) 467-8180.

To order this publication, receive a complete listing of PFLAG publications, or obtain information about a PFLAG chapter in your area, visit our website at pflag.org.

Written By: Content Review Jean-Marie Navetta Erica Barz Team: Diego M. Sanchez, APR Liz Owen Stephanie Battaglino Joni Stacy, J.D. Joel Baum, MS Susan Thronson Edited By: Dana Beyer, M.D. Elizabeth Kohm Lori Duron Research Team: Liz Owen Cesar Hernandez Erica Barz Diego M. Sanchez, APR Jody M. Huckaby J.L. Johnson, M.A. Catherine Hyde Copy Editors: Ellen James, J.D. John R. Cepek Elizabeth Kohm Joellen Shiffman Wayne Maines

Thank you to the many people who provided input and shared their personal stories to further inform this publication, especially the members of the PFLAG National Transgender and Gender Nonconforming (TGNC) Advisory Council.

All Rights Reserved, © 2008, 2015 PFLAG, Inc. ii Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG TABLE OF CONTENTS

About PFLAG...... i About this publication...... ii

A Note from PFLAG National’s Executive Director ...... 1

We’re Glad You’re Here!...... 3

Some (Very) Frequently Asked Questions ...... 7

Important Information for All Ages...... 13 The American Medical Association (AMA)...... 13 The World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) ...... 13 The American Psychiatric Association (APA) ...... 14 Identity Documents ...... 15

Childhood ...... 16 Social Support...... 20 Psychological Support...... 23 Medical Support...... 24 An Expert Opinion...... 26

Adolescence...... 29 Social Support...... 30 Psychological Support...... 37 Medical Support...... 40 An Expert Opinion ...... 42

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones iii Adulthood ...... 47 Social Support...... 47 A Section for Partners and Spouses...... 50 Psychological Support...... 52 Medical Support...... 53 An Expert Opinion...... 55

First-Person Stories...... 57 One Father’s Story...... 57 One Mother’s Story...... 59 One Spouse’s Story...... 61

PFLAG National Glossary of Terms...... 63

Resources...... 70 Organizations ...... 70 Online Communities ...... 73 Online Tools ...... 74 Literature...... 75 Films...... 86 Conferences (as of 2015) ...... 90 Camps ...... 91

Endnotes...... 93

iv Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG A NOTE FROM PFLAG NATIONAL’S EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR

This publication is a place to start for those who are parents or guardians, family members, friends, or allies of people who are coming out as transgender or gender expansive.

Since PFLAG released its first That’s why, in almost every corner transgender publication in 1995, the of the country, there is PFLAG. visibility of people who are openly PFLAG has a long and strong history transgender has grown significantly. with the transgender community; In 2014, a transgender woman in fact, we were the first national was featured on the cover of Time, LGBTQ organization to include nominated for an Emmy Award for people who are openly transgender one show and received an Emmy for in our mission statement, back another; a television show about a in 1997. We are proud to have transgender parent was repeatedly led the way, back in 2002, in honored by audiences and critics adopting a groundbreaking policy alike; a transgender woman became of only supporting legislation a well-respected host on a national that protects all of our families, cable news channel; and most including those who have members importantly, more and more people who are transgender and gender started to have open discussions expansive, and in 2001 were the about the concept of gender and first to welcome a person who is the terms used to describe it. transgender to our national board. Transgender inclusiveness remains a This new visibility is a huge positive key component of PFLAG’s work. milestone, but it doesn’t change one simple fact: For many parents This new publication—based on and guardians, family members, our original 1995 publication, Our and friends, the news that someone Transgender Children and our 2006 they know is transgender or gender publication Welcoming Our Trans expansive can open the floodgates to Family and Friends—is one such a wide array of emotions, as well as resource (others can be found create a need for resources to turn to on the PFLAG National website for help and support. at pflag.org).

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 1 On the following loved one as pages you’ll read “There are times when they strive to live insights from we struggle, because not openly, honestly, parents, family everyone accepts [my son] and authentically members, and as he is and still insists at school, at friends. You’ll on referring to him as a work, at home, hear from experts girl. But we are getting and beyond. on gender at through it.” I hope you will every point —Jennifer C., 35, in a person’s New Bedford, MA find this revised life—from publication early childhood an invaluable through adulthood—and you’ll resource, refer to it often, and reach learn new terminology that will out to your local PFLAG chapter for help inform your understanding. more information on transgender This includes a term you’ll see issues, as well as help when you need used frequently throughout this it. Our local chapter leaders and publication: “Gender expansive.” members are available to help and, Sometimes referred to as “gender as always, provide much-needed, nonconforming,” more and more confidential peer-to-peer support. people are considering the use of the word “nonconforming” to connote PFLAG stands proudly beside all negativity, as if “conforming” is people pushing past the boundaries the more positive norm. We have of binary gender identity and chosen, therefore, to use this newer equally embraces those who find term—“gender expansive”—as we their best place along binary lines. believe that it reflects a new wave of There is plenty of room at the table positivity, support, understanding, for all of the creativity that people and celebration we are seeing for bring to who they are, and we’re those who are living their lives on honored to support the expanse of the full spectrum of gender...or our community’s rainbow, for all beyond it. people, whether LGBTQ or ally.

In addition to new terminology We hope that you enjoy this (listed in our comprehensive publication, its intent to provide glossary of terms), you’ll also find support and education, and above an extensive list of resources, and all, its inclusive spirit. of course, unique support and Jody M. Huckaby education to help you embrace your Executive Director transgender or gender-expansive

2 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG WE’RE GLAD YOU’RE HERE!

You are likely reading this publication because a loved one—your child, your sibling or parent, a friend—has shared with you that they are transgender or gender expansive. Or perhaps you have a child who appears more interested in playing with toys or dressing up in clothes that society deems more appropriate for children of a different gender, and in seeking more information you’ve found us through the PFLAG website.

Well, regardless of how you found a resource to help you address PFLAG—and this publication— some of those feelings, as well as to we’re happy that you did. provide information and education that will help you along the way. Disclosures and uncertainty about It also provides suggestions for gender identity and expression how to better support your loved bring with them a wide array of one—regardless of whether they emotions: Confusion, sadness, fear, are a young child, teenager, or surprise, disappointment, shock, adult—as they move through their anger, shame, and for some, even transgender or gender-expansive a feeling of relief or affirmation as journey. Remember, too, that you they finally understand why a child are also on a journey; it will take may have been sad and withdrawn time to learn and understand, and until allowed to dress and play in a that is okay. way that felt right to them. Before we dive into the issues a little The most important thing to more deeply, we want to offer a few remember at this moment is that helpful points to keep in mind: you are not alone. Your feelings, questions, and concerns are • You are not alone. It is incredibly important, and thousands helpful to remember that you of other people have gone through and your loved one are not a similar process, and experienced alone. Despite the scarcity the same feelings that you’re having of studies that estimate the now. This publication serves as percentage of the population

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 3 that self-identifies as are negative. PFLAG meetings transgender, a 2011 study are an important part of this from The Williams Institute at support, providing a safe place UCLA School of Law analyzed to work through your feelings, statistics from four national anxieties, or confusion, and and two state population- with other parents, family based surveys and estimated members, and friends who that there are nearly 700,000 have gone through similar transgender individuals in the experiences. Find a chapter U.S., with roughly 0.5 percent near you by visiting pflag.org/ of adults (or five people in find. If you are unable to find a every 1,000) aged 18–64 chapter close by, please contact identifying as transgender1. us at [email protected] so that we Other researchers estimate that can connect you virtually for one in 1,000 people are born support. feeling that their sex does not Let’s start with an overview of conform to their internal sense gender and sexuality. of their gender2. • You are not at fault. No one knows why one is transgender Gender Identity, Gender or gender expansive, but we do Expression, and Sexual know that there is no evidence Orientation: A Starting suggesting parenting or Point experiences in childhood are in What is gender identity? What is any way related to being either. gender expression? What is sex? There is no blame, as there is What is sexual orientation? And nothing wrong with your loved how are they all related? We know one. Or you. You did not “cause this can be confusing, so let’s start this;” you can, however, play a at the beginning. crucial role in how your loved one will ultimately feel about it. When a child is born, the doctor • You are important. Self- looks at that baby and assigns it a care is crucial during this gender (male or female) based on time, which means you must its biology (in this case its visible find support for YOU! It is sex organs, although biological imperative that you find a time, sex also includes things like place, and people to whom you internal sex organs, hormones, can express your true emotions, and chromosomes). This is what away from your transgender or gets written on a person’s birth gender-expansive loved one, certificate and is often called especially if your emotions gender assignment.

4 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG For the vast majority of people, Everyone demonstrates their their gender identity—that is, their gender—that is, communicates their internal sense of being male or gender identity in a manner that female matches that assignment. is comfortable for them—through Those people are called cisgender, clothing, hairstyles, mannerisms, with cis being a Latin prefix meaning or other outward presentations or “on the same side” hence, their behaviors. This communication, gender is on the same side as— whether conscious or subconscious, matches—their biological sex. But is called gender expression. In most for others, their gender identity does societies, certain examples of gender not correspond expression have with their been labeled assigned gender “I feel that I don’t have “masculine” and biological masculine and feminine and others sex, and those days. I have dress days “feminine.” individuals are These labels often referred to and I have bow tie days. are actually as transgender, Clothing doesn’t have a quite artificial; with trans being gender, and neither do I.” all expressions the Latin prefix of gender are —Misha W., 19, for “across Albany, NY valid, and while or over.” there may be patterns of People share their gender identity at expression more common for one different times in their lives: Some gender than another, these patterns do so from a very young age, while are not rules. When one doesn’t others do not make it known to strictly adhere to societal norms of anyone but themselves until later “masculine” or “feminine” in their in life. This can be for a variety of gender expression—or their gender reasons, including safety concerns, expression does not coincide with fear of alienation from friends and their assigned gender—we refer to family, or potential discrimination at that as an example of being gender work, at home, or in public. expansive (or gender creative). Visit the glossary at the end of this Then there are those who don’t publication for similar terms define themselves specifically and definitions. as male or female: Perhaps they identify as both, or as neither, but As a child gets older, they will they don’t necessarily feel that their potentially become aware of feelings internal sense of self is at odds with of attraction—physical, emotional, their biological sex. This is called psychological, spiritual—towards being gender expansive. other people. Toward whom they

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 5 feel this attraction for a transgender describes their woman)? Doesn’t sexual orientation. “I don’t feel like a grey that just mean area or a question mark. they’re straight? It is important I feel like me.” to note that No, it doesn’t. gender identity —Kimberly S., 27, The key takeaway Portland, ME neither relates to, here is that it is nor determines, not the sexual sexual orientation; just like people orientation that is the focus, but the who are cisgender, people who gender identity: Their internal sense are transgender can also identify of gender does not correspond with as gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual, their biological sex, regardless of or queer. This might help answer their attraction to other people. a question we hear often: Why does a transgender person (let’s Gender identity. Gender expression. say, for example, a transgender Sexual orientation. man) go through the trouble of transitioning from female to male if Each one separate, each one distinct, he is attracted to men (or vice versa and each of us has all of them!

6 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG SOME (VERY) FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

What causes someone to stood—term (considered by some be transgender? to be outdated or possibly offensive, There is no single explanation for and others to be uniquely applicable why some people are transgender. to them) which refers to people who Transgender people have existed are transgender who use (or consider throughout history and across using) medical interventions such societies the world over. The as hormone therapy or surgery (or a diversity of transgender expression combination of the two) or pursue and experiences argues against any medical interventions as part of the simple explanation. Dr. Johanna process of expressing their gender. Olson, Medical Director of the There are also people who identify Center for Transyouth Health and as “transgender” who seek medical Development at Children’s Hospital intervention. Los Angeles, says, “Trying to identify The words “transgender” and causes, whether they are genetic, “transsexual” do have one thing in hormonal, or something else common: They are both adjectives entirely, those studies are underway. (used to describe something) not The question is, what contributes to nouns or verbs. Just as you wouldn’t the formation of gender identity? It’s say someone has been “gayed” or really complex.” Whatever the cause, “straightened,” neither would you there is nothing wrong with your say someone has been or become loved one, and supporting them is “transgendered.” Saying “Alice is critical and helps result in a more a person who is transgender” is positive outcome for them.3 4 correct—just like saying “Alice is a What’s the difference person who is young”—but saying “Alice is a transgender” or “Alice is between being transgender transgendered” is not. In fact, saying and transsexual? either of the others is considered “Transsexual” is a less frequently offensive, so avoid using these words used—and sometimes misunder‑ in those ways.5

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 7 Aren’t there only two Like our sexual orientation, our genders? gender identity can be looked at as a No. In America we tend to only continuum as well. There is a whole recognize two genders, referred to range of identities to be found on as the “gender binary”—masculine/ the “gender spectrum.” Throughout man/male and feminine/woman/ our lives, we can experience and female. But cultures throughout the express our gender in a variety of world recognize many more than ways. Our gender expression can just two genders. change over time as we have new experiences and The Bugis people become aware of of Indonesia “My family, while at first new ideas. recognize a total confused and saddened, of five genders. have always supported me Remember, In India there is and now see me exactly as gender is a I have always seen myself. a third gender label created by And are happy with called “Hijra” that people. Labels, my decision. They learn like gender, are is neither male more about me and the nor female. The used to help us LGBT community all figure out what fa’afafine is a third the time. Win!!” gender, as well to expect from as a sexuality, in —Allison P., 45, one another and Arcola, VA Samoa. The muxe inspire a sense people are a third of community. gender in Mexico. They aren’t set in stone, and there is no right or wrong In Australia, the High Court made 6 a landmark decision in 2014 gender to have or express. formally recognizing a third, What is transitioning? neutral gender that is neither male nor female, and in Germany, The process of moving towards a third gender option became and affirming one’s innate gender available on birth certificates to identity is known as transitioning. those whose babies were born of Some people transition through an indeterminate biological sex. clothing, some through a medical To learn more about how other process, and some through both, cultures perceive gender, check or neither at all. There is no “right” out the interactive map—and way to transition, though there are companion publication— some common social changes that pbs.org/independentlens/ many transgender people experience two-spirits/map.html. such as wearing clothes they feel more accurately communicates

8 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG their gender identity, changing outside might be a change, but their names, or adopting different to the transgender person it is pronouns. One type of transition— not so much a “transition” as it medical transition—can include is a “settling in to themselves” things such as hormone therapy or or a “coming home” process. surgical alteration of the body. This description may resonate more clearly with people who are Since every transgender person’s transgender or gender expansive. path and narrative will be different, it is important to remember that What is okay to ask and your loved one will need the space say—or not ask and say— and time to determine how they when I learn that a person wish to live and express their gender I know or care about is identity. Some may know and transgender? express their need to transition at a very young age while others may not When you are ready and the timing share their needs until well into their is right, you may want to consider teens or even late in life. Again, there the questions below, which could is no one “right” way to transition. lead to a meaningful dialogue with We will address the subject of your loved one about their gender transitioning and what it means identity. Remember, when asking to different age groups later in these questions don’t begin with the this publication. expectation that you’ll get all of your questions answered immediately. What is important to understand Rather you are trying to gather is that the decision to transition, in information for greater insight, whatever form, is a highly personal understanding, and empathy. It is and individual one. A respectful and also extremely important to make caring approach involves providing sure your loved one is comfortable the love, support, and resources and that you respect their wishes necessary to help your loved one if they don’t want to discuss make the most informed decisions certain things with you. This initial to help them along their journey. conversation may lead to many subsequent discussions that will There are some who feel that if, help you more fully understand your as we all believe, gender identity loved one’s gender identity. has always been inside a person, then the phrase “transitioning” It is essential that the questions is inaccurate to describe the you ask are coming from a place process a transgender person is that seeks to better understand the going through from that person’s person’s experiences and needs, not perspective. What we see on the simply satisfy your curiosity.

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 9 You might begin by asking them to questions and comments, and many tell you what they’d like to say to other issues. To download a free you, and then ask whether it is okay copy, visit straightforequality.org/ to ask some questions. Regardless trans. There is also a list of resources of whether you take their lead or at the back of this publication (and decide to ask questions first, know on the PFLAG National website) that it’s fine to repeat that you are that you can reference to educate asking because you care and you yourself in preparation to have these will be fine if they want to stop the conversations. Turn to page 70 for exchange any time. Once questions more info, or visit pflag.org/trans. are deemed okay, some find it helpful to begin the conversation by saying something like “I don’t want to make Will my loved one be safe? any assumptions about you or your With love, support, and resources, experience” and then asking the your loved one will have every question. Here are a few suggested opportunity to lead a healthy and questions to begin this dialogue with happy life, and the sooner parents transgender and gender-expansive and guardians, friends, or family adults and adolescents: members come to terms with accepting their transgender or • What name/pronouns would gender-expansive loved one, the you like me to use when more quickly they will be positively addressing you? impacted. Being affirmed in one’s • What can I do to better support gender identity and expression can or help you at this time? improve self-esteem and relieve the stress of having to hide one’s • If someone asks me about authentic self. Your loved one’s your gender identity or gender safety—in school, in the workplace, expression, how would you like in your faith community—can be a me to respond? legitimate concern; we will address • Do you have support from potential life-stage safety issues later other friends and family in this publication. members? Know this: The future you • Is there anything that you’ve envisioned for your loved one seen or read that you would like may now look different, but it me to see or read? can still be filled with wonderful In PFLAG’s Straight for Equality® possibilities. And while coming out project publication guide to being or transitioning will not solve all of a trans ally, we tackle this issue of their problems—and may in fact appropriate—and inappropriate— introduce a new set of challenges—

10 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG it may make it trophies, or easier for them photo albums “When someone uses a to address those you have on neutral pronoun for me, challenges. With it not only makes me feel display. You love, support, accepted by that person, can either take and advocacy for but it also makes me action or have their wellbeing, feel comfortable in a conversation your loved my own skin.” with your loved one can lead a one in advance. —Haley B., 23, happy, safe, and Chicago, IL productive life. Also, engaging in dialogues with your peers about these issues How can I make my home in a positive, supportive manner respectful, safe, and and using affirming language welcoming to people who conveys your unconditional love are transgender or gender and support to those that you speak with, but particularly to your expansive? loved one. Further, others will take Your loved one will be most your lead as they interact with comfortable around you if your loved one. Positive language they know that you love them is critical when discussing this unconditionally and support them topic with others; without it, you as they travel their gender journey. may find yourself struggling to You can help ease their possible demonstrate support. Mindful feelings of vulnerability by creating a and authentic intent is important, respectful space at home where your too: Communicate your feelings loved one can explore and define with sincerity and honesty, and their gender identity and expression be sure that, to the best of your without fear of rejection. ability, your nonverbal cues align with your words. After all, you For your home to be a respectful can say that you love and support and welcoming space, it is someone, but if your body language important to learn the appropriate and tone belie your words, this can terminology, show respect for lead to miscommunication, hurt your loved one’s new name or feelings, and a less-than-supportive pronoun choices, and have a basic environment. understanding of transgender and gender-diversity; reading this Learning to advocate for your loved publication is a great first step. one is certainly a process and may Additionally, you might consider take some time. Ultimately it helps which photographs, plaques or to ensure that your loved one has

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 11 an environment in which they feel you figure it out, and reinforce respected, safe, and welcome, and your courage to move through in which they can live, grow and your feelings—both the good and learn. It may take you a while to perhaps the bad—empowering you feel able to support your loved one: to discover a renewed commitment You may fear what others will think to fully celebrate and support your or say about you, your parenting, loved one. Over time, you may or your family, or you may simply discover that the source of most of not know how to respond. After all your anxiety derives from your own there were no mentions of this as fears and expectations that may well you prepared to become a parent. change as you seek to celebrate your Reading this publication will help loved one’s authentic sense of self.

12 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR ALL AGES

This section includes information on medical and psychological guidelines from experts, as well as helpful legal information that may be needed along the way, depending on transition goals. You may want to reference this section immediately, or refer to different parts of it as they become relevant to your own situation.

The American Medical The AMA’s support through this Association (AMA) resolution is significant because The American Medical Association is it comes from the nation’s most the largest association of doctors (both respected medical organization, states medical doctors—MDs—and Doctors the importance of health insurance of Osteopathy—DOs) and medical coverage for individuals with the students in the United States. It has a diagnosis of gender dysphoria, and broad range of supporting materials helps health providers, litigators, and and adopted policies specific to the legislatures ensure that insurers address LGBTQ community, including policies gender identity appropriately: As a with strong support of people who are condition that they must cover without transgender. discriminating against diagnosis.

Among them is Resolution 122, For a list of the AMA’s LGBT- passed by the AMA’s House of related pages and their LGBT- Delegates on June 16, 2008: specific policy statements, visit the “Resources” section at the H-185.950 Removing end of this publication, or go to Financial Barriers to Care pflag.org/trans. for Transgender Patients. Our AMA supports public The World Professional and private health insurance Association for Transgender coverage for treatment Health (WPATH) of gender dysphoria7 as recommended by the patient’s The World Professional Association physician. (Res. 122; A-08) for Transgender Health (WPATH)— formerly known as the Harry

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 13 Benjamin International Gender to ensure humane care and effective Dysphoria Association (HBIGDA)— treatment for all people with mental is a 501(c)(3) non-profit, inter‑ disorders, including intellectual disciplinary professional and disabilities and substance-use educational organization devoted disorders. APA is the voice and to transgender health. conscience of modern psychiatry.9

WPATH promotes the highest The APA’s Diagnostic and Statistical standards of health care for Manual of Mental Disorders, more individuals through the articulation commonly referred to as the DSM, of Standards of Care for the Health of is the manual used by clinicians and Transsexual, Transgender, and Gender researchers to diagnose and classify Nonconforming People, or SOC. mental disorders.

According to WPATH, “The overall In 2013, DSM-5 was released, goal of the SOC is to provide clinical and it included a revision to the guidance for health professionals term “Gender Identity Disorder,” to assist transsexual, transgender, previously used to describe the and gender-nonconforming people diagnosis for those whose internal with safe and effective pathways to sense of gender was in conflict achieving lasting personal comfort with their assigned sex at birth. with their gendered selves, in order “Gender Dysphoria” is the term to maximize their overall health, now used for this diagnosis, and psychological wellbeing, and self- is intended to better characterize fulfillment. This assistance may the experiences of people who are include primary care, gynecologic transgender. Additionally, it removes and urologic care, reproductive the controversial use of the word options, voice and communication “disorder” in this diagnosis, which therapy, mental health services implied that if gender identity didn’t (e.g., assessment, counseling, match biological sex, that person psychotherapy), and hormonal and suffered from a “disorder.”10 surgical treatments.”8 Two other important inclusive To read the document in its entirety, support organizations to visit wpath.org. know about are the American Psychological Association (APA), which is the largest scientific The American Psychiatric and professional organization Association (APA) representing psychologists in the The American Psychiatric United States; and the National Association is the world’s largest Association of Social Workers psychiatric organization, whose (NASW) , which is the largest member physicians work together membership organization of

14 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG professional Additionally, social workers in proof of gender “My gender ambiguity is the world, and uncomfortable for some identity can be which works people who encounter me. difficult and to enhance the But I am comfortable costly, requiring professional with me. Finally.” potentially growth and intrusive development —Tracie, 43, information to Bellingham, WA of its members, be provided. to create and Because of this, maintain statistics show professional standards, and to that only about 21 percent of advance sound social policies. transgender people have changed their identification, and 33 percent have not updated their identification at all.11 Identity Documents Legal documents, such as Organizations such as the passports, driver’s licenses, Social Transgender Law Center (TLC), Security cards and records, birth the Transgender Legal Defense and certificates, and more, are required Education Fund (TLDEF), and the for many important moments in National Center for Transgender life, including enrolling in school, Equality (NCTE) provide guidance finding a job, traveling, and opening in securing documents, and a bank account. For people who are advocate for better and more transgender to live authentically, streamlined laws and policies. it is crucial that they have identity Contact information for both can documents that correspond to their be found in the “Resources” at self-identified gender, including the end of this publication, or at their chosen name and the way they pflag.org/trans. express their gender in everyday Now that you have an overview of life. When these important papers the issues, let’s dive more deeply are not reflective of a person’s into issues of importance to specific affirmed gender, situations that are age groups: Childhood (ages birth– uncomfortable if not downright eight), Adolescence (ages nine–18), dangerous may arise. Sadly, there and Adulthood (age 18 and up). We is no one process for obtaining or hope you will keep this publication changing these documents; laws handy—and offer it to others as and requirements differ by state needed—as they begin to navigate and issuing agency, meaning the this gender journey with their own process is separate for changing loved one. each and every identity document.

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 15 CHILDHOOD

“Mama, I’m a boy on the inside. Why do people think I’m a girl?” “I’m not a boy, I’m a girl. I have a girl heart and brain.” “I’m a boy on top and a girl on the bottom, and some days I’m one and other days I’m the other.” “I’m not a boy, I’m not a girl…I’m just ME!”

Do any of the above sound familiar When a child reveals themselves as to you? Maybe you’ve heard your gender expansive or transgender, own child or a friend’s child parents or guardians initially have talk this way, or maybe you’ve one (or a combination) of several seen certain patterns in the toys common reactions: a child plays with, or how they want to wear their clothes or hair. • Fear or guilt that something Regardless of what, when, or how they did may have “caused” you notice, the idea that your child their child’s gender may be gender expansive—or expansiveness perhaps transgender—might feel • Shame or embarrassment about overwhelming and scary. how they or their child will be judged by others We’ve said it before, but we feel strongly that it bears repeating: • Concern that their child will You are not alone. be put in physical danger by presenting as gender expansive Many parents and guardians, family or transgender members, and friends across the country—and around the world— • Sadness that their child will have found themselves here, and not have the future that they many of them have the same assumed was a given concerns, and ask the very same As a parent, you may experience questions, that led you to pick up a sense of judgment, both from this publication. yourself and others, about your

16 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG parenting. remind them Whether it’s over and over of “I’m the proud mom of worrying a trans daughter. My how proud you about your beautiful daughter came are of them for standing in your out to me in November of asserting this level neighborhood, a 2013. Watching her grow of authenticity. faith community, and become who she It is the bravest or elsewhere, was always meant to be thing a human this fear can is inspiring. My daughter being can do, potentially is the most courageous and when a child prevent you from person I know.” is celebrated for supporting your —Wendy, 51, doing so by a child the way Garden Grove, CA parent, caretaker, they need to be family member, supported. These or friend, it can feelings are entirely normal. be heartwarming; more importantly, it can be lifesaving. It is also normal to feel uncertain and possibly even ambiguous about Let’s address some common questions.12 your child’s situation. You may feel as though you want AN ANSWER. It will be important to develop a level How can my child know of comfort with not knowing what anything about their gender this all means, and to avoid pushing at such a young age? your child towards giving you Unlike sexual attraction or definite answers in any direction. orientation, which typically This might be difficult, but if you develops a bit later, our sense of can push yourself to go there, it can self (including gender) becomes also be quite liberating, especially if apparent at a very young age; for you can let go of needing to respond most this is between the ages of to the concerns of those around you two and four years old, and this and instead simply focus on taking awareness remains stable over care of your child. time. Can you remember when you The most important thing for became aware of your own sense of all children to know, at a very self? When you realized you had a deep level, is that they are loved sense of your own gender? Maybe unconditionally. It seems like a you’ve never even had a reason to fundamental concept of family, but think about it, because the sex you when children are brave enough to were assigned at birth coincided look at themselves at such a deep with the gender you understood level and share their reflections with yourself to be. This is true for the those around them, it is crucial to majority of people.

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 17 For children Preposterous. A who identify as “This 9 year old child is no little girl wanting transgender, the longer my daughter, but all of her hair cut experience is my wonderful son...His off, and to dress entirely different. long term goals? To watch in “typically” Imagine this: as much Star Wars as male clothes? You wake one possible, to play as much That makes no basketball as possible morning in the sense. It might and to become the first body of—to speak transgender president of make you feel in the binary for the United States. With his like you need a moment—the spirit and strength, I look to hide yourself opposite sex. forward to it.” away and push Everywhere you down the desire go, people address —Jennifer C., 35, to express your New Bedford, MA you with incorrect true innate sense pronouns of yourself. This and treat you is the experience differently even though, in your of the gender-expansive child; they mind, you are still the same begin to understand that they are “you” that you’ve always been not following society’s typical view on the inside. Would you feel of how people of different genders uncomfortable being called a name should act, dress, style themselves, you don’t consider yours or using or play. a restroom assigned to people who do not match your gender as you As you can see, children know a lot understand yourself? Very likely so. about themselves and their gender This is the experience transgender from a very early age. And whether children have from a very early age; they reveal themselves to be gender they understand that their assigned expansive, transgender, or eventually gender in some way does not match neither, the most important thing their own sense of their gender we can do is listen to what our and self. children are telling us, and really hear them. Or perhaps imagine that your own sense of gender matches the gender you were assigned at birth, but your Is this a phase? desire to express yourself through It takes time to know whether a clothes or your hairstyle, or play child’s exploration of gender is a with certain toys, did not match phase or something more. It is quite society’s expectations of what you common for children to “try on” “should” look like or play with. A different aspects of gender through little boy dressing up like a princess? their play, clothing, or toys. This

18 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG experimentation is typically brief persistent, and insistent” declaration and often situational, such as with of being a different gender is unique certain friends or in specific settings. to kids who are transgender. But when such behaviors continue, or raise concerns for the adults Gender-expansive children express around the child, experts frequently their gender in ways that are not encourage families to assess the consistent with socially prescribed degree to which the child’s atypical gender roles, and may sometimes gender is “insistent, consistent, be perceived as “feminine boys” and persistent.” According to the or “masculine girls.” Transgender American Psychological Association children may feel (and express) (APA), “A pervasive, consistent, from an early age that their internal persistent and insistent sense sense of their gender is different of being the other gender and from their assigned gender, often some degree of gender dysphoria expressing discomfort with their are unique characteristics of bodies, and in particular, their transgender children.”13 A young genitals; others may not. Moreover, gender-expansive child may outgrow while many transgender children the feeling, but for children whose will be quite binary in their thinking gender-expansive identity has about gender, gender-expansive remained stable and unchanged kids may well be more fluid and beyond this age—insistently, flexible in moving along the gender persistently, and consistently— spectrum (or off of it entirely). this will more than likely continue throughout life. One way to think about the difference is that while all Regardless of the eventual outcome, transgender children are gender however, the self-esteem, mental expansive, not all gender-expansive wellbeing, and overall health of a children are transgender.14 gender-expansive or transgender child (or adult) relies heavily on family acceptance; receiving love, Who will love my child support, and compassion from besides me? guardians is crucial. All parents and guardians want their children to be loved and to find a life partner (if so desired). For parents How do I know if my child of transgender or gender-expansive is transgender, as opposed children, this wish can turn quickly to gender expansive? to fear that their child may never find Transgender and gender-expansive this—or may have a very difficult time children often express similar doing so. The single most important behaviors, but the “consistent, tool you can give your child is the

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 19 pride and self-esteem to help them identification, it is important to know that they deserve love from listen carefully to what they are a partner who is kind, caring, and requesting about navigating the supportive. Love starts at home, with social situations in which they find parents and guardians; when children themselves, including the desire to receive that unconditional love, they dress and play in ways that make will derive the confidence they need them feel like their authentic selves. to know they deserve that love from For transgender kids, this might others as well. mean a social transition, which can be anything from changing their Remember this: Many transgender haircut to changing their style of and gender-expansive individuals clothing, to changing their name. All find themselves having the same joys of the above and more are options, (and hurts) that come with seeking and often change over time. Each romantic connections with others of these can bring a transgender as their cisgender peers, finding or gender-expansive young person partners, getting married, raising great comfort, alleviating much of children, and experiencing many the anxiety they may have about of the same lifetime milestones. their identity. While their path getting there may be different than expected, your While the simplest path may seem transgender or gender-expansive to be to encourage your transgender child has the potential to be truly or gender-expansive child to be and deeply loved by many people in more gender conforming, doing addition to you. so sends the message that the child is somehow wrong and, in the Now that we’ve tackled some typical long run, this approach is more early questions, let’s discuss the harmful than helpful. Instead, when different types of support necessary supported in these needs, many of for the best and healthiest start to the indicators of distress, such as your child or young loved one’s life. withdrawal, depression, anger and anxiety, may be greatly reduced or even disappear. Social Support At the same time, your child’s desire to authentically express themselves Social Transition or socially transition—whether that For children who are gender means wearing a skirt instead of expansive, or those who identify as pants, wearing a bow tie instead of a gender that is different from their a blouse, or changing their name— assigned gender and are “persistent, may raise great concerns for you as consistent and insistent” in that a guardian. How will those around

20 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG my child or loved one react? Will in person, either in groups or my child be bullied? Can I trust the one-on-one. adults responsible for my child’s safety to act knowledgeably and No matter which method you responsibly? Will my child be safe? choose, here are a few helpful These are very real concerns, and guidelines: cannot be taken lightly. First and foremost, your child’s safety must be • Be informative. While it’s your primary concern. However, it true that transgender and is important to recognize that with gender-expansive visibility appropriate planning, a great many is at an all-time high, that steps can be taken to align your doesn’t necessarily mean that child’s social surroundings to better those around you will be recognize and accept your child’s knowledgeable on the subject. authentic gender. A growing body of Be prepared to answer basic knowledge and practice is emerging questions, including some that that can be utilized in support of may feel insensitive or hurtful. this transformative process. Be clear about what questions are off limits, and let friends and family know when and Sharing the News where you are willing to answer There is no one right way to share their questions. your story—whether about a • Be prepared. While you are transgender child or a gender- not required to be anyone’s expansive child—with others. teacher—and it would be highly Listen to your loved one, ask stressful to assume that role questions that are age appropriate, on top of providing support and then be prepared to discuss for your loved one—being with them how to talk about these prepared with a few easy changes with family and friends. answers, as well as some Some guardians choose to write helpful resources (at the end a letter, sharing en masse with of this publication, or at close friends and family what is pflag.org/trans), will go a long going on with a young loved one, way toward having those you and letting them know about care about understand more new names, new pronouns, and deeply. At the same time, be what to expect the next time they careful not to overwhelm those all gather. Our friends at Gender around you with too much Spectrum have samples of such information. Find one or two letters; visit the “Resources” page clear and concise articles, at genderspectrum.org. Others websites, or video links. If choose to share the information people want more, they can ask.

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 21 • Be specific. Be clear about or young loved one, not taking what you are asking people to care of those around you who do. Whether it’s a request to may not understand. use a new gender pronoun or new name, to give compliments on new clothes or hairstyles, Navigating Social or simply to refrain from Challenges commenting at all, the best- You may have concerns about shared stories end with some your loved one’s peers: Will they kind of ask. It may be as simple be accepting and understanding? as saying, “You don’t have to And the parents of those peers are understand, but you do have another potential source of concern: to be respectful, regardless of Will they be supportive and help your personal feelings.” This to answer their own children’s also includes gently setting questions about gender? Face the limits when people are offering fear, answer questions honestly, and unsolicited advice or opinions. be willing to work with your loved one as they make decisions about • Be confident. Be strong their gender presentation. It is likely and lead with love, setting an that the opportunity to present their example of how you’d like gender in a way that feels best for others to behave. This may them will have a positive outcome. be new for you, but there is nothing wrong with having A potential source of concern for a a child who is transgender child may include having to navigate or gender expansive. In fact, single-gender spaces. While the time there is a great amount of for locker rooms may be a long way pride to be taken in the act of off, even the youngest child in a supporting a loved one through daycare setting will likely be required a journey that is not universally to use a single-gender restroom. A understood by others. The young gender-expansive loved one people around you will follow may feel entirely comfortable using your lead; the degree to which the restroom that corresponds you can be comfortable to their assigned gender, while (or appear so!) will greatly a transgender child—even at a influence how those around you very young age—may express respond. Own the words you discomfort at using any restroom use, own the confident tone of that doesn’t correspond with their voice you say them with, and self-identified gender. Again, it is remember that, above all else, important to listen, ask questions, you are responsible for acting in and follow the child’s lead. If the best interests of your child there is no gender-neutral option

22 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG available, and your young loved transgender or gender-expansive one will only use a facility that child who is sad, depressed, or corresponds to their self-identified confused, gender-affirmative gender, it will be important to have psychological support from a a conversation with the teacher or knowledgeable and experienced school administrators. mental-health professional is vital.

As a parent, family member, or In some cases, psychological support friend it is not your responsibility to may be as, or even more, vital for educate your school’s teachers and you. Along the way, there will be administrators about gender identity answers you don’t have, questions and gender-expression issues, but you can’t anticipate, obstacles you it is your responsibility to advocate cannot foresee, and people perhaps for your loved one, and hopefully turning to you to be the “expert” work in alliance on “all things with the school gender” as relates to create the best “I am proud to know who to your child possible outcome; I am now. I am proud of or young loved providing what I am now. I am here, one. All of these, information I exist and I am not along with your can go a long going away!” own powerful way toward —Sabrina C., 56, and often helping you be Charlotte, NC contradictory the advocate you feelings, can need to be. lead to stress, anxiety, and, sometimes, depression. For more information, read Take time for yourself to get the “Safe Schools,” beginning on page professional support you need so 32, and “An Expert Opinion,” in that you can, in turn, be there for the “Adolescence” section of this your loved one. Additionally, peer publication, beginning on page 29. support is crucial, and this is where PFLAG comes in. Visit pflag.org/ find to locate the chapter nearest Psychological Support you, or contact us at [email protected] to be virtually connected to another While many young children who PFLAG member. are transgender or gender expansive Not all mental-health professionals may need the support of a mental- are well versed in the subject health professional, not all do. of gender identity and gender Generally speaking, if your child expression. There are numerous is happy and content, therapy may resources available to help locate a not be needed. But, for the young mental-health professional whose

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 23 practice either strongly includes—or Medical Support solely focuses on—gender; a number of these can be found in “Resources” For children in early childhood, at the back of this publication, or medical interventions such as online at pflag.org/trans. hormone therapy or puberty Regardless of whether you or your blockers (medications that are young loved one prescribed to seek professional inhibit puberty support, know “I’m an extremely proud by suppressing this: Studies have mother of a 9 yo trans the production daughter who has been shown that family of sex hormones) referred to as a trailblazer. are a long way support is the She came out to us this single strongest off. For some past summer to which we children who are predictor of celebrated! She returned gender expansive, mental and to her school to find all physical health her schoolmates love medical and wellbeing of and accept her!” intervention transgender and may never be —Izzy B, 40, needed or desired. gender-expansive Winnipeg, Manitoba young people, Regardless, it and, therefore, is important to you should waste listen to your no time in seeking help. According young loved one as they tell you to a study by the Family Acceptance more about who they are and who Project, family acceptance predicts they want to be. Keep the options greater self-esteem and general open and fluid, remain supportive, health status, and also protects and keep listening. against depression, substance For any child, a trip to the doctor— abuse, unsafe sexual behaviors, and whether they are sick or simply suicidal ideation and behaviors.15 visiting for an annual physical The bottom line is this: Gender- exam—can cause anxiety. For a expansive children may or may not child who is transgender or gender face difficulties as they navigate the expansive, a visit with the doctor can world outside of their home. As be particularly traumatic, as a body long as they have the unconditional they don’t potentially identify with love and support of those taking is explored by an adult they don’t care of them, their ability to grapple know well. Even as you seek to work with whatever comes their way will with a medical provider in an effort be greatly enhanced.

24 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG to support your transgender child, gynecologists, or other medical know that while your intentions doctors who are well versed in the are directed towards a positive end, field, have experience working with your child may nonetheless be quite transgender kids, and recognize and angry with you before, during, and respect the child’s experiences and after the process. perceptions, can knowledgeably answer questions as your child Much like with mental-health develops. You may never need their professionals, it is important to find support beyond asking questions, medical doctors who understand but if you do you, you will be well how to work with a child who is prepared to support your young transgender or gender expansive. transgender loved one through They must be sensitive to the the medical decision-making dynamic described above, flexible process later on. Please note that in the way they work with your experienced medical providers may child, and comfortable answering be difficult to find, but there are questions as they arise, or if they many across the country that are can’t, finding the answers. Pediatric willing to refer and consult with endocrinologists can be particularly providers in smaller and more helpful, but pediatricians, remote or rural areas.

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 25 An Expert Opinion:

Diane Ehrensaft, Ph.D., Director of Mental Health; Founding Member, Child and Adolescent Gender Center

Dr. Ehrensaft is the Director of Mental Health and founding member of the Child and Adolescent Gender Center—a partnership between the University of California, San Francisco, and community agencies to provide comprehensive interdisciplinary services and advocacy to gender nonconforming/transgender children and youth and their families—and a clinical psychologist in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her research and writing focus on the areas of child development, gender, parenting, parent-child relationships, and psychological issues for families using assisted reproductive technology. She has published several books and articles in these areas and lectures and makes media appearances nationally and internationally on these topics.

What’s the first thing a new parent nurture, and culture to arrive at their typically gets asked about their baby own unique gender web, the gender or baby-to-be? that feels most true and authentic. Their gender web will be made up of “Boy or girl?” their gender identity—their sense of We are really asking about the baby’s themselves as male, female, or other, sex, based on observations of the and their gender expressions—the baby’s genitals and assumptions clothes they wear, the games they about the baby’s chromosomes. But play, the children they play with, nobody yet knows about the baby’s and so forth. Like fingerprints, no gender, who that little person will two children’s gender webs will be know themselves to be as male, the same. But unlike fingerprints, a female, or other, and how they want child’s gender web is not indelible. It to “do” their gender—playing by their can change and flow throughout that culture’s rules for gender or making child’s life. up their own as they go. When it Most children discover that the comes to gender, it is not up to us gender they know themselves to be to decide, but for the children to tell is a match with the sex assigned to us who they are, if we give them the them on their birth certificate. But chance. And they are now telling us, a small number of children come in words and actions, that gender to tell us that we got it wrong—the does not come in just two boxes, male declaration of their elders about and female, but in an infinite variety their sex or the letter on their of shapes and sizes. We can think of original birth certificate, M or F, it as a web, with each child, over time, does not match who they know spinning together threads of nature, themselves to be. These children are

26 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG often insistent, chromosomes, persistent, and “Unlike fingerprints, a as many are consistent in what child’s gender web is not mistakenly prone they are trying indelible. It can change to believe. We to tell us about and flow throughout that demonstrate how their gender—in child’s life.” much we have words, actions, yet to learn when thoughts, and feelings. And they we say, “But, honey, you can’t be a can start telling us as early as the girl, you’re a boy because you have second year of life, maybe even with a penis. Boys have penises and girls their first toddler sentence, “Me not have vaginas.” boy. Me girl.” This is our youngest cohort of transgender people, and if Some young children are quite we listen well and pay attention to satisfied with the sex on their birth what they are telling us, we do best certificate as a good match for the by allowing them to be the gender gender they know themselves to they know themselves to be, rather be, but they are resistant to their than the gender we all thought they culture’s rules and regulations for were. For pre-pubertal children, gender, especially if they are rigidly we call this socially transitioning. divided for boys and girls. They You might be wondering right now, may be the boy in the pink tutu, the “But they’re so young. What if they girl who trades her bikini for her change their minds later and want to cousin’s swim trunks, the boy in switch back?” If they do, then we’ll the doll corner, the girl hoarding all help them, for remember, gender is a the trucks. These are the children life-long journey, never fixed in one we refer to as our gender expansive, point in time. gender independent, and gender fluid children—accepting their Like left-handed people, our young assigned gender identities but transgender people are only a small tweaking their gender expressions. minority of the general population. Some may take a short excursion And like left-handed people, they are in living in the opposite gender, a variation of human development but not stay there. A fair number, that is to be celebrated and honored, but not all, will explore their rather than punished or denied. gender selves on the way to later And they are our best teachers discovering their gay selves. Yet it in alerting us to the reality that should always be remembered that gender exists primarily between our gender and sexual identity are two ears—in our brains and minds— separate developmental tracks, not and not necessarily by what is to be confused with one another, between our legs, our genitalia, or like railroad tracks—parallel but in our accompanying XX or XY crossing at certain junctures.

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 27 Then there are some young children encouragement and support to help who re-arrange both—gender their child stay with it to become identities and gender expressions. the most gender-healthy child they They refuse to pin themselves down can be—the child who gets to be the as either male or female—maybe they gender that is them rather than the are a boy/girl, or a gender hybrid, or gender everyone around them might gender ambidextrous, moving freely want or expect them to be. between genders, living somewhere in-between, or creating their own A young gender-creative child will mosaic of gender identity and need a psychological tool box and expression. As they grow older, they some resilience building to meet up might identify themselves as agender, with the challenges of going against or gender neutral, or gender queer. the gender grain in a community that might not be ready to accept Each one of these children is that child. Parents, siblings, and exercising their gender creativity, other relatives will need professional and we can think of them as our and community support to be the gender-creative children. In their most accepting family they can youngest years, adults around them be—that is a major ingredient for may make the mistake of saying, children’s gender health. “Oh, it’s just a phase.” In pediatric thinking, a phase almost always To that end, parents will need means something negative— constant reminders that any who like colic or terrible twos—that, have “blamed” them for their child’s to soothe a parent’s anxiety, is gender-expansiveness will need help guaranteed to disappear with time. learning that parents don’t make That is exactly the negative message their children’s gender, the children often sent to confused or curious do. Some parents see so much else parents when the pediatrician going on with their child that they are counsels them about their young stymied—with all that “noise,” how child’s gender creativity, “It’s just a can they even tell if the “gender stuff” phase. Your child will outgrow it.” is real? That, too, is where a gender- sensitive mental-health professional Indeed, a child may certainly move can be a tremendous support in on from their present gender sorting this out. And all of us will presentation as they spin together need to become allies and advocates their gender web over time. But for these young children, whether most gender-creative children are they are transgender, gender fluid, not going through a phase, and gender queer, agender, and so forth, parents don’t need reassurance that to create a social world that reaches their child will move away from toward gender infinity rather than their gender creativity but rather shrinking into gender restriction.

28 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG ADOLESCENCE

Adolescence is an exciting yet challenging time for every teen. But for those who are transgender or gender expansive, it can be particularly difficult. With the onset of puberty, the existence of more single-gender spaces, and increased expectations to fall in line with gender norms, life seems to become even more defined by a gender binary.

When a teenaged loved one expansive, they will be listening for regularly asks questions about hints that you are supportive and gender, has adopted a new or understanding. Give them these different way of expressing hints, but don’t confront them and their gender that goes against press them for concrete answers. Seek conventional norms, or has to create space for them to share their explicitly stated that their internal feelings by asking open-ended, rather sense of gender does not match the than yes-or-no, questions. Allow gender assigned to them at birth, them to reveal themselves to you in this is a sign that your loved one their own time—and in their own is likely gender expansive or way. Remember too that this is quite perhaps transgender. likely new territory for your child (or at least territory they are newly If your teen hasn’t come out or discussing) and that they may well be disclosed to you, but you suspect inconsistent and even contradictory they may be transgender or gender in their thinking as they seek to arrive expansive, subtly show support to at difficult conclusions about who convince them you are trustworthy. they really are. Speak positively about another transgender or gender-expansive It is crucial that they—and person you know, or a character you—remember that you are not from a movie or television show. walking this road alone. Find the Reflect out loud about gender issues resources and support that are most surfacing in the news, or openly needed, including well-trained and read and share new learning about empathetic psychological-health gender diversity. If your loved providers, and medical professionals one truly is transgender or gender who are compassionate and

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 29 understand the specific needs of commitment to understanding the transgender and gender-expansive issues, and your teen loved one will youth and their families. It is no doubt appreciate the effort…as important to also seek out social well as the relief that comes with not support for your young loved one’s having to be an educator 24/7. needs and your own, including peer support. The PFLAG chapter nearest Of course, there are questions only you can be found at pflag.org/find, your teen will be able to answer: or write to us at [email protected] to Request permission to ask, and be put in contact with a supportive make sure those questions are PFLAG member. presented in a manner that is sensitive to their needs. Let’s take a look at the various types of support your transgender or Gender Expression gender-expansive teen might need. As far as gender expression—the way in which your teen loved Social Support one may choose to express their gender—be supportive of their No teen wants to be isolated or decisions to potentially change their bullied, and you are an essential clothing, hairstyle, or other outward part of making sure neither occurs. expressions. Remember: Clothes and Helping your transgender or gender- hair are not intrinsically gendered. expansive adolescent loved one to Your loved one’s choices may stick thrive socially is a huge piece of close to dominant gender norms, work for parents and guardians, or they may defy them altogether. family members, and friends, and Their choices may change frequently is achieved through a variety of and vary widely across the gender methods. spectrum, or they may be more consistent. No choice is better or To do so, it is important to keep worse than any other choice, and no their best interests in mind, and choice makes their gender identity keep yourself educated on the issues. more or less valid. Research shows It may be overwhelming for a teen to that when able to freely choose take care of their own needs as well how they express their gender, as continuously educate you, other adolescents are frequently in better family members and friends, and mental health, get better grades, and their own peers about issues related more apt to socialize and interact to their gender. Do your homework with the world around them16. ahead of time, and find other outlets to have your questions answered. However, this does not mean Additionally, committing to this anything goes. If there are limits you research will demonstrate your true would set for your child, based on

30 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG modesty or other with other factors, you need transgender and “The feeling of finally not abandon looking in the mirror and gender-expansive those values. seeing who you really are people, especially Just be very as both genders in any those close to aware of how given day is an amazing their own age, important it is for feeling. I’m no longer is crucial. So gender-expansive hiding anymore.” crucial, in fact, youth to be that research has —Ashton K., 26, able to express Waterford, MI shown that one of themselves the most rejecting authentically. family behaviors17 Bottom line: Support their choices is preventing adolescents from fully and they will very likely having LGBTQ friends and learning feel safer and more comfortable about themselves. If your loved one expressing themselves. expresses interest in meeting and talking with other transgender and Another physically transformative gender-expansive people, support option that is less noticeable than them in the effort. There are many hairstyle but potentially more good and safe transgender and helpful to some transgender or gender-expansive social groups in gender-expansive trans-masculine areas across the country; your local youth is binding, where the PFLAG chapter may be a good growing breasts of an adolescent are resource for this information1. If flattened, giving a more typically you are unable to locate any such masculine appearance. Binding groups, online communities are should be researched thoroughly, also an excellent outlet; we have however, as some methods are safer listed numerous online community than others. If your loved one wants services in “Resources” at the end of to bind, be sure they are doing so in this publication. a safe way. The book Trans Bodies, Trans Selves: A Resource for the Find out if your loved one’s school Transgender Community, listed in has an LGBTQ-ally alliance group or “Resources,” has more information Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA). Even on this practice. if your loved one doesn’t wish to participate, GLSEN’s 2013 National School Climate Survey (which can be Connecting with others found at glsen.org/nscs) shows that who are transgender or schools with LGBTQ-ally alliance gender expansive groups are safer for LGBTQ students For many transgender and gender- than schools without them. If the expansive youth, communicating school does not have one, consider

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 31 contacting school officials and personally experiencing LGBT- suggesting or offering to help form related discriminatory policies or one. If the school has an LGBTQ- practices at school. According to the ally alliance group, consider getting NCTE/NGLTF 2011 report, Injustice involved, whether as a member, at Every Turn (which can be found adviser, or volunteer. For more at transequality.org), students information on establishing and who expressed a transgender or strengthening LGBTQ-ally alliances, gender-expansive identity while in visit the Gay-Straight Alliance grades K-12 reported experiencing Network at gsanetwork.org. harassment (78 percent), physical assault (35 percent), and sexual violence (12 Safe Schools percent). The “[My son] openly report also Safety in school transitioned in high school indicated that is a crucial aspect which was the bravest of supporting a act I’d ever seen. The 15 percent of transgender or struggles and challenges students who gender-expansive we overcame as a family expressed a teen. And though became his armor. The transgender or improvements closer he gets to achieving gender-expansive have been made his authentic self, the more identity while in recent years, powerful and self-assured in grades K-12 he becomes. I’m so very the fact remains left school proud that I am part of this that many due to severe amazing persons life. He harassment. transgender and is a kind, loving, empathic gender-expansive teenager who can’t wait An unsafe school students still feel for his future because now environment has unsafe at school. ANYTHING is possible.” According to negative effects on —M.C., 47, both a student’s GLSEN’s 2013 Midlothian, VA National School psychological Climate Survey, wellbeing and (a study of K-12 the effectiveness education), 55 percent of students of their education. However, there were verbally harassed at school due are actions you can take to create a to their real or perceived gender safer school environment for your expression and identity, and 23 loved one, starting with PFLAG’s percent were physically harassed Cultivating Respect: Safe Schools for due to their gender expression. 56 All program. To learn more, visit percent of LGBT students reported pflag.org/safeschools.

32 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG In order to help make your loved You can contact your local PFLAG one’s school life as safe as possible, chapter for additional backup and first lay the groundwork for secure support, or visit stopbullying.gov, a and open dialogue with them. Trust comprehensive resource on bullying is imperative. If your loved one in schools and how to work to doesn’t trust you enough to tell you prevent it. honestly how school is going for them, you won’t know what you can One of the first questions to ask is do to help and the situation could whether your school (and/or school worsen without your knowledge. district) has an enumerated policy Showing compassion and support of on harassment and bullying. An your loved one’s gender identity and enumerated policy will spell out expression, and actively listening to all of the categories under which what they have to say, can go a long an individual is protected, such as way in establishing a relationship race, religion, sexual orientation, and dialogue built on trust. and gender identity and expression. According to GLSEN’s 2013 Remember, you are trying to make National School Climate Survey school safe for your loved one. Listen (which can be found at glsen.org), to them to evaluate how they feel students attending schools that about actions you’re considering. specifically include actual or Something you think will make perceived gender identity and school safer for your teen may gender expression in their anti- actually draw unwanted attention harassment policies are less likely and have the opposite effect. No one to face harassment problems than knows how something will affect schools without such policies. your loved one better than them, so Visit GLSEN’s Model District encourage them to communicate Policy on Transgender and Gender what they need from you; and keep Nonconforming Students (also at this in mind for all suggestions glsen.org), to help you identify an that follow. effective policy that can be modified for use by your school if it lacks such There are some situations that a policy; bring it to the attention may be impossible to address by of school officials and advocate yourself, or situations where you for change. meet strong resistance from school officials. In these cases, remember Cyberbullying is becoming more that you are not alone. There may and more prominent as a form be other families connected to of harassment. According to the the school who want to address Cyberbullying Research Center, many of the same issues as you; 34.6 percent of students surveyed connect with them and work in 2014 reported being a victim together to accomplish your goals. of cyberbullying at some point in

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 33 their lifetime. Ensure the policy at these carefully. Keep in mind, if you your loved one’s school forbids and approach the administration as a punishes cyberbullying as well as partner, wanting to work with them other forms of harassment. For more in making the school safer for all information on cyberbullying, visit children, it is more likely that you cyberbullying.us. will more likely have success.

Schools that proactively work Here are a few tips to help you address to create more gender-inclusive these behaviors appropriately: spaces are inherently safer spaces for transgender and • Calmly and respectfully explain other gender-expansive youth. why the behavior was harmful Comprehensive anti-harassment • Address the behavior, do not policies are designed to respond attack the person to discrimination after it occurs; effective training strives to prevent • Be an active and engaged it from taking place at all. Find listener out if your loved one’s school • Meet people where they are, officials go through any sort of and be willing to help educate training that equips them to address them; they may not be familiar gender issues. If school officials with transgender and gender- are not trained, bring the matter expansive concepts to the administration’s attention. As mentioned, PFLAG’s program • Do not patronize or shame Cultivating Respect: Safe Schools for • In a non-threatening, All (which can be found at pflag. informational way, let them org/safeschoolsforall), provides know that their behaviors may resources for K-12 schools. Contact be against the law/school rules PFLAG if school officials need help locating local training options. The other person may become defensive; after all, it is never easy If you encounter school officials to be told you did something or students perpetuating non- wrong. However, if you follow these inclusive or bullying behaviors, guidelines, the conversation is much such as not using your loved one’s more likely to be productive for preferred pronouns or enforcing both parties and end on a positive gender norms, it is important to note. Further, if your conversation point these behaviors out. Directly does not lead to elimination of the addressing such behaviors can go mistreatment, you have the option a long way in cultivating a safer to utilize your school’s complaint school environment for your loved procedures or similar processes one. However, it is incredibly designed to address harassment important to handle situations like and discrimination.

34 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG Ultimately, it is important for Some states also have anti-bullying you and your loved one to know and nondiscrimination laws in place their rights regarding bullying, to protect transgender and gender- harassment, and discrimination expansive students at the state level. in school. If they attend a public school that receives federal funding, If your child is an athlete or has they are protected by Title IX of the participated in sports that are Education Amendments of 1972—a generally broken into teams by federal civil rights gender, they may be able to continue law that prohibits participating discrimination on “We have had many on a team the basis of sex challenges but we have based on their in any education faced them together. As I self-identified program or always say when I speak gender, although activity that to parents, counselors, guidelines and receives federal medical professionals, etc. policies vary funding—and ‘If my daughter was so by district and brave to face the torment, entitled to file a by state. how could I not stand complaint with behind her and hold The Transgender the Department her up?’” of Education’s Law and Policy Office of —Robynn B., 58, Institute’s Civil Rights Albuquerque, NM document, (OCR) if they Guidelines experience bullying, harassment, or for Creating discrimination at school. PFLAG Policies for Transgender Children in National’s Claim Your Rights Recreational Sports (which can be program, created in conjunction found at transgenderlaw.org/), says, with GLSEN, can provide you and “All young people should have the your teen loved one information opportunity to play recreational on Title IX and the basics of sports and have their personal filing a bullying, harassment, or dignity respected. Transgender young discrimination report with the people are no different. In fact, OCR. These filings can be made because transgender young people anonymously, and do not result in often must overcome significant a lawsuit against the school district; stigma and challenges, it would be rather the focus is on reaching an particularly harmful to exclude them agreement about implementing from the significant physical, mental policy changes, and creating a school and social benefits that young people culture that is transgender and gain by playing recreational sports. gender-expansive inclusive. Visit The impact of such discrimination pflag.org/claimyourrights for can be severe and can cause lifelong more information. harm. In contrast, permitting

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 35 transgender children and youth The Sexuality Information and to participate in recreational Education Council of the United sports in their affirmed gender can States (siecus.org/) is an excellent provide an enormous boost to their resource for determining health and self-confidence and self-esteem sex-education standards in your and provide them with positive state, and provides support for a experiences that will help them in all variety of audiences. other areas of their lives.”18 Despite your best efforts, your loved Another way to create a safe place one’s school environment may not for your transgender or gender- be as supportive as you would like, expansive adolescent loved one or may even prove too toxic for their is to be sure that their school has wellbeing. If you suspect this is the appropriate resources on hand. This case, talk to your loved one and get includes having books and other their thoughts and feelings about resources about people who are the situation. If they confirm their transgender and gender expansive school does not feel safe, know that in the school library or in the there are other schooling options school counselor’s office. These to consider. resources provide a great way to educate the school community and Nearby school districts could ensure students, including your provide a safer environment. Do loved one, have access to materials some research and determine if they that represent them. Find out if are safer than your child’s current your loved one’s library or school environment. Connect with other counselor provides such resources. parents or guardians of gender- If not, find out the policy for expansive and transgender youth adding resources and make some who may have recommendations for suggestions. If you need ideas, particularly positive schools in your visit the “Resources” section at the area. Other school options include end of this publication, or on the home schooling, online schooling, web at pflag.org/trans. or a combination of the two. If you need assistance going over Materials used for health and your options, contact the nearest sex education in the classroom PFLAG chapter (found by visiting should be transgender and gender- pflag.org/find), or write to us at expansive-inclusive, as well as free [email protected]. of bias against people who are transgender or gender expansive. Though all of these suggestions are worth undertaking, it is important If the materials are unsatisfactory, to remember that your loved one contact the school administration is the strongest barometer of what and express your concerns. is best for them. Always ask for

36 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG their permission Family acceptance before advocating is probably the “I don’t know if genderflux on their behalf single most will stay, but all that in school or matters is that it fits right important factor other social here, right now.” for positive environments. mental and Each individual —Anonymous, 15, physical health and situation is Pasadena, CA outcomes for different, and transgender and some of these other gender- methods may not be universally expansive youth. Interventions effective. Though your loved one that promote parental or guardian may reject some of your ideas for acceptance of LGBTQ adolescents advocacy, they may provide you are needed to reduce health with new ideas. You may be able disparities. Put another way, to support them in ways you can’t transgender and gender-expansive even imagine. youth can deal with a lot of challenges in their world when they know they can come home Psychological Support to support from their loved ones. Without it, they find themselves frightfully alone in a world that may Psychological support is vital for well not understand them. transgender and gender-expansive adolescents. Nowhere is this more The stakes around your decision important than the degree to which whether or not to support your a young person feels understood and gender-expansive or transgender affirmed by the adults responsible adolescent are incredibly high. for their care. The onset of puberty can be a very trying time when transgender and It may be that some of the choices gender-expansive young people you are making to restrict gender either realize the extent of their exploration are based on concerns gender dysphoria…or go in to crisis for the child’s wellbeing. You may without realizing it. Some may begin believe that by limiting their ability to feel depressed, as changes to their to express or identify in a gender body become further incongruent different from the sex they were with their self-identified gender. assigned at birth will in fact protect This, along with various social them from heartache, mistreatment, pressures, makes gender-expansive and even cruelty from those around and transgender youth particularly them. This is quite understandable, prone to self-harm and other high- but often misguided. risk behaviors that can endanger

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 37 their health are culturally and wellbeing. “It has come up in competent in Make no conversation in a number issues specific mistake about it: of ways - problems with to transgender Without support, choosing and using the and gender- transgender and bathroom safely, getting expansive youth gender-expansive alterations made to a suit, and their families. toying with masculine adolescents Local LGBTQ nicknames, accepting both might experience pronouns at college—and resources, disproportionate the most beautiful thing including your rates of needing happens: nothing. It was local PFLAG mental-health accepted as easily as if I chapter, can support decided to dye my hair. point you and to address We talk about it like it’s your loved one higher rates always been this easy.” in the direction of depression, of supportive —J.G., 27, substance use, Selden, NY mental-health and self-harm professionals, than their peers. as can the However, the degree of support and World Professional Association for acceptance these youth encounter Transgender Health, which also from family and other loved ones provides information on some can minimize negative outcomes. health professionals to avoid. (For information on these and other Coming to a positive and supportive organizations, refer to “Resources” at place is by no means a simple task. the end of this publication or online As their child is on a journey, so too at pflag.org/trans). are the adults surrounding them. Fortunately, neither of you must Even with proper insurance coverage travel this road alone. A growing for your family, mental health number of trained medical and services can be expensive. However, mental-health professionals can they can be critical to the health serve as your guide along this path. and wellbeing of your transgender Evaluation by supportive therapists and gender-expansive teen. In some (and medical doctors, which we will cases, this support may even be discuss shortly) is critical and will lifesaving. If mental health services help you determine the best course are out of your financial reach, of action at this time. there are other options. Many local programs or centers serving LGBTQ It is therefore essential to select youth provide reduced-cost (or even mental-health providers and free) mental-health services. If your services from professionals who loved one’s school has a counselor

38 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG who is supportive of people who are This type of “therapy” assumes transgender and gender-expansive, that being transgender or gender that may be an option. If there are expansive (or gay, lesbian, bisexual, no such programs in your area and or queer) is wrong, and is a problem your loved one’s school counselor that can and must be fixed. Attempts is not supportive, hotlines like The to accomplish this are made through Trevor Project (866-488-7386) can any combination of prayer, aversive provide a safe place to start. You conditioning, psychoanalytic may also find great support through therapy, or group therapy. various online communities, many of which are described in “Resources” This mindset and these methods at the end of this publication. are both incorrect and seriously damaging to the wellbeing of As you search for an appropriate LGBTQ people subjected to it. In mental-health provider, be careful fact, all of the major medical and about individuals who present mental health organizations in the themselves as “gender specialists.” United States have condemned the Simply stating this does not make practice of so-called “conversion it so. Find out if they take an therapy,” as all scientific, research- affirmative approach to gender based evidence indicates that not issues related to youth, what their only does it not work, but that it stance is on topics such as social can also have serious psychological transitions or medical interventions, consequences for people who are and their beliefs about the role of LGBTQ, leading to self-destructive family acceptance. or self-harming behaviors.

It is especially important to be aware So-called “conversion therapy” of professionals using so-called for minors is illegal in California, Sexual Orientation Change Efforts New Jersey, and the District of (SOCE)—also referred to as Columbia, and many other states “conversion therapy” or “reparative currently have in circulation bills therapy.” Although deemed harmful to ban the practice. Additionally, by experts, including the American in February 2015, Judge Peter F. Medical Association, the American Bariso, Jr. of New Jersey historically Psychological Association, the ruled that telling potential American Academy of Pediatrics, “reparative therapy” clients they American Counseling Association, have a curable mental disorder the National Association of Social is legal fraud. For the health and Workers, and more, it is still being wellbeing of your transgender or made available by uninformed gender-expansive loved one, it is to psychological service providers. be avoided at all costs.

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 39 While not all “conversion therapy” are developmentally appropriate for practices are rooted in faith-based your adolescent loved one.19 principles, some are. If you are Adolescents face having trouble “Agender. I am agender. unique challenges reconciling The first time I said it out with medical your faith with loud, it felt perfect.” interventions because it is your loved —K.H., 28, one’s gender Boston, MA sometimes identity, PFLAG assumed they National has are too young to two publications—Faith in Our really know what they want or to Families and be not afraid, help is on make such important decisions. This the way: straight for equality in faith is often untrue, and it is critical that communities—which can help you they have both expert guidance and navigate your spiritual journey while supportive adults around them— respecting your loved one’s identity. parents, guardians or guardians, Many PFLAG chapters also host close family members, other trusted nonjudgmental, confidential host adults—to really hear them and help groups for people of faith to support them sort through the options. each other on their journeys. There are three different levels of medical intervention: Fully reversible (puberty suppression), Medical Support partially reversible (hormone therapy to—in binary terms— The onset of puberty can be a “masculinize” or “feminize” the very difficult time for all young body), and irreversible (surgical people, including those who are procedures)20. transgender (usually less so for gender-expansive adolescents). Puberty suppression is the While medical interventions can medical practice of suppressing an be helpful to alleviate this stress, adolescent’s hormone production so it might be important to also they don’t go through puberty. The explore psychological, social, and aim is to give them time to explore other related issues as well. Some their gender, with the added benefit standards of care suggest that of preventing certain secondary sex medical interventions should only characteristics from developing, be considered after exploring these making some later gender-affirming issues, while others state that they surgeries (should the individual should be considered concurrently. choose to pursue them) potentially Regardless, medical interventions more successful, and others entirely should only be used in ways that unnecessary. The suppression can be

40 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG stopped at any time, causing puberty reversible by more invasive methods to begin. There are potential side (including surgery) and therefore effects to this treatment, so it should should be considered only with the always be carefully managed by a input of an appropriate team of knowledgeable medical provider, medical and psychological experts usually a pediatric endocrinologist.21 and, if available, with the loving Pediatric endocrinologists treat support of parents and close family. disorders of the hormone-secreting glands, which regulate countless Irreversible methods of medical body functions. These disorders intervention are surgical, including include diabetes, thyroid ailments, genital and chest surgery. These metabolic and nutritional disorders, methods should be considered and pituitary diseases. There are only in consultation with medical pediatric endocrinologists across the professionals who are experienced in country who provide for treatment working with transgender individuals. for intersex and transgender youth. Detailed information on medical Partially reversible medical and other interventions can be interventions through hormone found in WPATH’s Standards of Care treatment are also a possibility v.7; the book Trans Bodies, Trans in the case of some transgender Selves; or one of the other resources adolescents. These interventions listed at the end of this publication can lead to outcomes that are only or online at pflag.org/trans.

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 41 An Expert Opinion:

Joel Baum, MS, Senior Director, Professional Development and Family Services, Gender Spectrum

Joel Baum, MS, is Senior Director of Professional Development and Family Services at Gender Spectrum where he is responsible for all of the organization’s programmatic aspects. Across multiple disciplines, he facilitates trainings, conducts workshops, develops curriculum, consults with parents/ professionals, and provides resources in service of a more compassionate understanding of gender and young people. He works with a wide range of organizations, including schools, medical professionals, therapists, universities and other organizations. He is also a founding member and Director of Education and Advocacy with the Child and Adolescent Gender Center.

Let’s face it: Adolescence is rough. important to be aware of the “job Between changing bodies, self- description” that is being a teenager. consciousness, and a desire to simply fit in, this period is a roller These tasks can be grouped into coaster of strong emotions and great five distinct categories of adolescent uncertainty. Now add to this mix a development.22 sense that one’s core aspect of self is not what others think it is, or worse, • Physical: This area includes is being actively denied, and it the rapid growth and changing becomes clear how challenging this bodies of puberty. For period of life can be for transgender transgender young people, and other gender-expansive youth. this process can be especially difficult as they experience a It is also no secret that this can be new physique and unfamiliar a challenging time for the adults processes betraying their around these young people as internal sense of self. This well. Even as guardians, friends, “gender dysphoria” is one of the and other loved ones sort out factors that cause great distress their own feelings, fears and for transgender youth. frustrations, it is important to • Cognitive: Adolescents and step back and be reminded of the teens are moving from concrete important developmental tasks thinking to more abstract facing adolescents. By no means can and complex understandings they be exhaustively covered here; of the world around them. entire fields of study have emerged Until these abilities become around each of them. However, it is consistent, however, teens can

42 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG be quite volatile in their logic. expansive youth may feel For gender-expansive and increasingly isolated and alone. transgender youth, engaging • Behavioral: These various with the adults around them forms of development come about this subject in a coherent together as teens seek new manner can be extremely experiences and experiment challenging. with new behaviors. In many • Emotional: During this ways, a teen’s choices and period of their lives, youth actions can be seen as a tuning are establishing a realistic and process for the various aspects coherent sense of their own of development described identity. In the process, they above. This includes risk are coming to know who they taking, which is a normal are in the context of relating to part of adolescent identity others and learning to cope with development. For transgender stress and manage emotions. youth, this developmental Recognizing and declaring a aspect may be truncated as sense of self that is not being they fear taking active steps affirmed, or perhaps actively to live in a manner consistent rejected, brings a degree of with their gender identity for dissonance and chaos to this fear of the consequences. At important process. The result the same time, some will take can be a young person immersed risks that endanger their health in self-doubt and unconfident as they respond to others’ about their ability to understand failure to recognize their lived their own experiences. experience. In either case, guardians must be aware of • Social: As they leave childhood risk-taking behaviors and seek behind, teens are working out to understand them in light of how they will relate to peers, their child’s gender identity. family, school, their larger community and society in Beyond the specific suggestions and general. Often taking place in information regarding the physical, environments openly hostile psychological, and social issues to their gender experience, facing transgender adolescents in the this developmental task can previous sections of this publication, be easily interrupted. Instead there are several important of developing an awareness perspectives that adults should of social cues and dynamics, consider as they seek to support transgender and gender- these vulnerable youth navigating their developmental journey.

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 43 Recognizing Time Frames is essential that adults affirm their It is not uncommon for transgender love and support for their teen and and gender-expansive youth and assure them that they will all get their guardians to come into through this together. Coming out conflict around the urgency of the as transgender is likely to leave the teen’s need for affirmation and teen vulnerable to adults’ reactions. support. An important perspective Fearing rejection, they will analyze to remember is that for them, the adults’ every word to see if this is everything is happening soooo the case. Keep communication open: sloooowly. They may well have been Ask questions, check in, and give thinking about these issues for many them updates on what’s happening. months or years, have probably Above all, listen. The bottom line done some research, and, per their is this: Guardians may not have the adolescent brain, are absolutely luxury of time to sort out feelings certain about the necessary steps while their teen patiently waits. that should be taken NOW. Finding timing and a path that works for both Of course, for the adult and teen parents and other “In learning­ about their is important— adults, their child’s true sense of self, and challenging. heads may be parents of transgender It is a pivotal spinning as it feels and gender-expansive time in the youth have an incredible like everything relationship with opportunity to deepen the opportunity is happening their relationship extremely fast. with their child in a to further a One week they’ve profound way.” close bond, been told their son or conversely, feels like a girl and damage the next week they’re being asked significantly, and perhaps to make complex social, legal, and permanently, the relationship medical decisions. between adult and child.

Both perspectives are in fact accurate, but it is critical for the Getting Educated adults in this situation to recognize Even compared to just a few years and articulate that they understand ago, there is an abundant amount this sense of urgency in their teen. of information about gender and Further, as they sort out their own young people. A growing number feelings about this rapidly moving of professional institutions, train, adults need time. However, community-based organizations, in the midst of these struggles, it

44 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG online resources, and other support Staying the Course services are now in place. The It is not uncommon for parents experience of transgender youth is to move through a series of stages being examined in political, religious in this process, and recognizing and popular culture settings. All of where they are along the way these can serve as ways for adults to can be helpful. At first many will become educated about their teen’s be shocked, angry, and possibly transgender experience. Deepening dismissive. As the reality of the knowledge in this way will serve situation settles in, these feelings to support parents to make well- may evolve into a sense of fear for informed decisions for their teen’s their child’s wellbeing, along with health and wellbeing. It is also a concerns about their own identity as strong indication to the teenager parents. In some cases, these feelings that they are being taken seriously, will be translated into negative and that the adult is willing to do behaviors that deny the child’s some of the heavy lifting necessary experience. Even if coming from a to support them. place of love and protection, many of these behaviors can have the opposite effect, putting the youth at Seeking Support extremely high risk for depression, Beyond efforts to become educated poor health, risk-taking, and even about gender, it is also critical for self-harm or suicide. adults to seek emotional support for themselves. For many parents, it Over time, some will move to a more is a tremendous shock to hear their neutral level of acknowledgment of child declare that they will no longer the child’s gender assertion. As they be their son or daughter. Many become more aware of the issues parents have images of who their facing their child, this will frequently child will become, the road they will give way to a level of acceptance travel getting there, and their own and advocacy on behalf of their role in the journey. Milestone events child’s needs. It is not uncommon such as getting married or having for these once-struggling parents children may suddenly feel at risk to find themselves celebrating their of never occurring when a young child’s courage and authenticity, person asserts a new gender identity. especially as they observe their teen’s These and many more complicated improving sense of self and the feelings can be quite overwhelming, world around them. In many cases and it is important to acknowledge they will be rewarded by a teen who them, sort through them, and still is less depressed, less anxious, and show up for your child. significantly more engaged in their own life.

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 45 Listening However, it is also equally the case In the end, all of the above require that a growing number of parents the same thing: Listening. Amid the and guardians are rising to the fears, uncertainty, questions, and challenge. In the process, they newness of it all, it can be tempting are discovering greater strength as a parent to feel the need to take in themselves and respect for the control, resist this temptation. young person in their lives. In Instead of always feeling the need learning about their child’s true to have the right answers, consider sense of self, parents of transgender instead the power of having the right and gender-expansive youth have questions. Demonstrate to your teen an incredible opportunity to deepen that you are taking them seriously, their relationship with their child in willing to learn, staying present and a profound way. The road may be most important of all, never going hard, and there will be bumps along to stop loving them. the way, but the destination is worth the effort as parents come to see It is certainly true that the prospect their teen grow into their authentic of raising a transgender or gender- self, empowered and ready to take expansive teenager can be daunting. on the world.

46 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG ADULTHOOD

Learning that an adult loved one—a friend, a colleague, a family member, or even a spouse—is transgender comes with unique challenges and opportunities. Much like your loved one, you will be challenged with a period of transition: From being the parent of a son to becoming the parent of a daughter or from having a sister to having a sibling who is agender or a brother who is transgender. Or perhaps you’ll transition from having a best girl friend to a best queer friend, or from being in a same-sex relationship that now seems straight. As with all news about a gender journey, whether it comes as a total surprise or if you had a small inkling here or there, the challenge is to take your time to process the information and get the support YOU need, while being as supportive as you can of your loved one.

A unique opportunity exists for Let’s take a look at some of the you to have a more mature and many ways you can be a strong frank—though still respectful and and loving ally to an transgender noninvasive—dialogue with another or gender-expansive adult family adult, which will allow you both member or friend. the chance to move through this journey together. You will also have the opportunity to support someone Social Support through a potentially difficult experience, and do so in a way Sharing the News that will be the most meaningful Your loved one is the only person who and helpful. PFLAG National’s can determine when they are ready Straight for Equality® project has an for extended family and their social excellent resource, guide to being a circle to know they are transgender or trans ally, to start that dialogue. Visit gender expansive. Honor their wishes straightforequality.org/trans to about sharing—or not sharing—the download a free copy. news with others.

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 47 When considering sharing the absolutely no control over the news with your family, friends, reactions of others, which is why we and colleagues, make sure that you encourage you to first reach out to first discuss your intentions with those people you feel will be most your loved one and that they are supportive of you both. After you comfortable with you doing so; your have the support of some of your loved one may or may not wish for closest family members and friends, you to share their news with others. move onto those about whom you Clearly, if they are physically (or are less certain. Remember that medically) transitioning, keeping there is no right way to share this the news private may prove for information. At times you will have difficult conversations with others. to take some strategic gambles— Again, check in with your loved one, in these instances, you may very consider your options, and take the well be surprised at how someone most appropriate approach that best receives this news. If a person’s suits your particular circumstances. reaction is negative, do your best to not take it personally; a negative When you are ready, visit your responsive, more often than not, is local PFLAG chapter. There you simply an uneducated response, and will have an opportunity to speak can be moved to a more positive with peers who have already shared and supportive response by simply the news about their own loved providing some further education. ones with their family members, friends, business colleagues, and Once you share this news with social contacts. They can share your peers you no longer have strategies on how to present your control over who knows. You very story factually and with confidence well may learn that others you did so that you can be prepared for the not intend to share this news with wide range of reactions your friends now know. When information is and family might have when you exchanged in this manner, people share similar news. PFLAG chapter may be misinformed. If you think members across the country have that someone may know about your shared that, often times, PFLAG loved one, engage that person in a meetings are one of the first safe conversation if you are comfortable places for individuals who are enough and make sure this newly out as transgender or gender individual has the right information; expansive to be themselves, and to again, a little bit of education can go dress and behave as they finally a long way. see themselves. Of course, it may be overwhelming Keep in mind that you and your for you or your loved one to loved one can only control how continuously educate family, friends, you deliver this news; you have and peers about the transgender and

48 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG gender-expansive experience. Doing accommodations because they tend your homework ahead of time will to be gender segregated and lack demonstrate your commitment to clear policies on the treatment of understanding transgender histories, transgender and gender-expansive experiences, and people. One critical issues small way “Society has not caught important to the up yet, I’ve been beat up a you can begin community. Your few times and called awful challenging such loved one will names and I guess that’s unacceptable appreciate these part of it when it comes discrimination efforts. If you to openly and proudly is to challenge have questions being yourself. I’m proud discrimination that you feel only of who I am and how far I when and where your loved one have come and I won’t let you feel safe to can answer, ask anyone get me down.” do so. permission and —Andrew B., 22, make sure your Vass, NC Transgender and questions are gender-expansive presented in a people might also sensitive manner (for trustworthy experience blatant discrimination information you can use to research from various professionals, on your own, please see “Resources” including teachers, healthcare at the end of this publication, or providers, and social service for a more extensive list, visit professionals along with public pflag.org/trans). servants; sometimes this kind of discrimination may even result in verbal harassment and threats. The Standing Up Against National Center for Transgender Discrimination Equality’s report, Injustice at Every Turn, offers a comprehensive look Discrimination against transgender at the types of discrimination and and gender-expansive people exists harassment regularly endured by in employment, education, housing, people who are transgender and and healthcare, and the lack of gender expansive; you can find it adequate federal, state, and local on their website at transequality. laws—as well as a lack of strong org. As a parent, family member, enforcement of the laws that do partner, or friend, it is important exist—may leave your loved one to remember how you can best inadequately protected. The absence advocate on behalf of your loved of legal protections can create one, ensuring they are receiving challenges and barriers to accessing the care and services they rightfully social services (such as housing deserve. for the homeless) and public

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 49 The most effective thing you can you feel your loved one is not being do to help reduce certain forms of fairly treated. In every situation you discrimination is for your loved must assess the likely consequences one to explain what it means to be of intervening. Specifically, will your transgender or gender expansive, loved one be safer or be the target or for you as a partner or friend to of more discrimination after you share what your loved one is going advocate on their behalf? A fantastic through. In your conversation, resource to learn how to be the best be sure to stress that your loved ally that you can be for your loved one must be referred to by their one is guide to being a trans ally, a preferred name and pronouns publication from PFLAG National’s and that reasonable public Straight for Equality® project. Visit accommodations must be made straightforequality.org/trans for for them. For example, if there is a more information and to download dress code, your loved one should a free copy. be allowed to adhere to the one that best corresponds to their gender identity as well as be provided with A Section for Partners appropriate accommodations to and Spouses use washrooms, locker rooms, and other gender-segregated areas The relationship between partners and activities. or spouses is a unique and intimate one, a highly personal bond between Certain states and jurisdictions two people. And when one person in have worked tirelessly to address that relationship shares that they are the disproportionate rates transgender, it can be a great shock of discrimination that many to the partner, leading to subsequent transgender and gender-expansive strong emotions, including: people experience by establishing real remedies, such as passing • Grief. It is quite natural to enumerated anti-discrimination mourn the potential loss of laws. As you become more a partner. Some partners/ comfortable with your loved one’s spouses have described it as gender identity and expression, being similar to mourning the we invite you to become familiar death of a loved one; after all, with certain jurisdictions that have the person as you’ve known established such. Reach out to your them will no longer be there. local PFLAG chapter—or PFLAG And though the transgender National—for more information on partner may assure you that nondiscrimination policy. they will “still be the same person,” this isn’t exactly the Sometimes it may be difficult to case, otherwise the need to gauge how to best take action if come out as transgender, and

50 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG possibly transition, wouldn’t • Relief. Not surprisingly, some be so strong. Grief is a part of partners of people who are many people’s process, and it’s transgender have expressed important to honor and work that they felt relief hearing the through those feelings. news. They may have sensed something was going on with • Anger. Some partners go their partner and, once that through a period—or multiple “something” was addressed and periods—of incredible anger, revealed, it lightened a load and perhaps feeling they have been allowed them to then begin to lied to or betrayed, while others move through the process of feel as though the commitment understanding. made has been broken. Regardless of the Again, anger ““At the age of 64, with many different is a common the help of Medicare, emotions you emotion in I finally came out as might initially ME. And I am finally this process, experience, it will ‘comfortable in my and one that own skin.” be important needs to be to find support, processed —Danny G., 66, whether through and worked St. Joseph, MO a PFLAG chapter through. or other groups or with a professional mental-health • Fear. There are many things provider, or both. Your partner/ that may cause the partner spouse will not be the only one or spouse to be fearful, going through a transition, and it’s including the potential end important that you have a safe place of a relationship. to share your emotions, away from • Shame. Despite a newly your significant other. heightened awareness of transgender and gender- It is absolutely possible for a couple expansive people and issues, to remain together through the this doesn’t mean that the world transition process and beyond; in has become understanding and fact, there are many couples who accepting overnight. To that end, have done just that! Some have shame is a common emotion, even written books about their whether it is shame about your experiences, many of which can be partner, a decision to stay with found in “Resources” at the end of that partner, or perhaps how this publication, or online at pflag. you will now be perceived due org/trans. If you choose to stay to that partner’s transition. together, be sure to research the various legal issues surrounding

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 51 marriage/domestic partnerships, together as parents to be sure that post transition. Lambda Legal has as you are supporting each other an excellent resource for people through that transition, you are who are transgender and how similarly supporting your children. marriage law may affect them. COLAGE, an organization for Visit lambdalegal.org for more people with LGBTQ parents, has information. strong resources for parents who are coming out as transgender. Find Even after a tremendous amount them at colage.org. of work together, however, some couples may choose to separate. If you do, try your best to do so with love and understanding…this will Psychological Support go a long way in helping both of you in the healing process, particularly Before sharing the news with you, where children are involved. it is possible that your loved one has been receiving psychological For those couples who do have support from a therapist who is children, work together to find the well versed in gender issues; coming best and most appropriate way out to you may even be part of the to share the information, taking process. You can honor that process into consideration the age of the by not making assumptions, and children involved, and their current following your loved one’s lead. understanding of gender. Talking with a social worker or therapist to Carefully phrase questions so put together a plan of action can that they are both sensitive and be a helpful and positive way to reasonable. Invasive questions— plan the conversation. Remember especially those about medical that the more comfortable you are interventions, body parts, etc.— in presenting the facts, the more that seem insensitive might upset your children will follow your your loved one and potentially shut lead. Consistently reaffirm to your down a conversation. Before asking children that both of you will always your question, ask yourself if this love them and always be their would be a question you would feel parents, and then take consistent comfortable being asked, or asking actions that demonstrate such. a friend who does not identify as transgender or gender expansive. If Depending on the decisions made the answer is no, then find another for the health and wellbeing of all place to take your question, whether members of your family, a social to a support group of your own or medical transition for your (like a local PFLAG meeting), or partner might need to happen on a through the use of one of the many slower timeline than desired; work resources suggested at the back of

52 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG this publication. tone when you “They say when you’re Remember: Only are in public trans, it has to do with ask a question if how you feel inside. If together and you are prepared that’s the case, I guess I’d work hard to use to hear the answer. consider myself male. But I only the agreed- Keep in mind that also love my femininity. upon name you want to pace I feel like everything all and pronouns. your questions at once.” It is absolutely as this will be important for —R.P., 27, emotionally easier Medina, OH you to follow for both you and your loved one’s your loved one. lead; doing so is yet another way to provide And, of course, questions about strong support. surgery and other intimate subjects are best avoided, except perhaps in As your loved one’s gender identity a clinical or training setting, where is affirmed, you are likely to see transgender individuals will set positive changes. Your loved one specific boundaries they want to may become a more comfortable, adhere to, and share questions they happy, and relaxed person, and this are not willing to answer. goes a long way toward supporting their (and your) psychological Adapting to your loved one’s wellbeing. newly expressed gender identity, especially when adjusting to a name or pronoun change, might also be Medical Support challenging, and not necessarily intentionally so; after all, if this is If your loved one has decided to someone you’ve known and loved medically transition in some way, for years, then calling them by a through the use of hormone therapy new name or using new pronouns or gender-affirming surgery, trust may take a little time to get used to. your partner’s judgment as best you Using your loved one’s preferred can, avoiding overly critical advice name and pronoun is a huge step or prying questions. Encourage forward and a sign of sincere a complete and supportive respect. Almost everyone will conversation about decisions, and make mistakes in the beginning; listen to what your loved one is acknowledge your mistakes, sharing with you. Always remember apologize, and move forward. to be open, honest, and respectful. Listen to each other, consider the If you have not fully adjusted to options, and work hard to meet your loved one’s new name or choice each other where you are both at in of pronoun, allow them to set the the process.

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 53 It is possible that the high costs of insurance opportunities neither of medical transition will be a major you may know about. stress for your loved one and, as much as they want to medically Visit The Center of Excellence for transition, medical transition may Transgender Health at transhealth. be cost-prohibitive. It is important ucsf.edu for additional information to remember that lacking access to on medical support. these treatments does not invalidate your loved one’s identity. Instead, Of course, not all people who support the wish to medically are transgender choose medical transition; help as best you can options as part of their process. This with research on available and safe invalidates neither their process, nor treatment options, including health their gender identity.

54 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG An Expert Opinion

Jamison Green, Ph.D., President, World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH)

Jamison Green, author of “Becoming a Visible Man,” writes and speaks eloquently about the various aspects, issues, and challenges of the transgender and transsexual experience, especially those associated with the female-to-male transsexual process. He is widely considered one of the best educators and policy advisors on transgender and transsexual issues. He earned his doctorate in law in 2011 at Manchester Metropolitan University (England), studying with Stephen Whittle, Ph.D., who is the world’s first Professor of Equalities Law to specialize in transsexual and transgender issues.

News that an adult family member Very often, the revelation that one or loved one identifies as transgender is transgender is not accompanied can be a shock, but it is also the by dramatic changes. Many adults start of an amazing journey of who find themselves ready to discuss discovery. You may be afraid, or being transgender have thought angry, or relieved, but most people about their own gender diversity do have questions at a time like this. for many years. Some folks believe Questions like: that if they ignore “What does this it, or deny it, mean? What’s “Don’t be afraid. their feeling of going to happen Be present, become being differently educated, and remain to them? What’s gendered will go open to possibilities.” going to happen away. Your loved to our family (or one may have been our social group)? struggling with What’s going to happen to me and their feelings their entire life, but my relationship with them?” now they have the words to explain what they have been experiencing. Don’t panic! The first thing to do is have a conversation with your loved Some adults are not able to hide one. Keep it relaxed, and LISTEN to their difference. Men with feminine their story: What does transgender characteristics, or women with mean to them? How long have they masculine characteristics are often felt this way? Have they reached assumed to be gay or lesbian, and out to other transgender people to that may be the case for some of learn about local resources? How are them, but certainly not all of them. they planning to incorporate their Some may be straight or bisexual, authentic gender into their life? and some may be transgender or

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 55 transsexual, no matter what their will be, or their ideas may change sexual orientation. Whether or not as they learn more about the your loved one is gay or lesbian, options that are open to them. The their acknowledgment of their important thing is that they are able transgender status is a new level of to be their authentic self. exploration, and a new level of trust that they have extended to you. You may be challenged to accept that your loved one wants to change in As you learn more about your loved some way, but recognize that we all one’s journey and self-exploration, change, all the time, and our ability you may also want to read about to adapt is what makes us successful transgender experience, or to seek in the long run. Your loved one out other resources to expand your may feel as frightened or excited own awareness. Being transgender as you are, or they may not even doesn’t mean the same thing to know precisely what they feel about every person who experiences their situation or their process. The it. There are many ways to “be important thing is that they are able transgender,” or to find one’s own to share themselves with you, and balance of gender identity and you are able to hold onto your love expression. Not everyone goes for them. We never know what the through a “transition” or has surgery future may bring, but the support to align their body with their gender of our families and our loved ones expression (which is what most always matters and provides a people experience socially, and what valuable source of resilience and some transgender people seek). Your safety. Don’t be afraid. Be present, loved one may not know now what become educated, and remain open their ultimate goal for themselves to possibilities.

56 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG FIRST-PERSON STORIES

One Father’s Story from others, as well as from our I have a transgender daughter. own fears and weaknesses. But these She has an identical twin brother. essential tools are deep inside of us, Watching both of them grow, tools like having courage, adjusting watching my daughter suffer, old and closely-held values, and listening to both managing fear: of my children, We must have my wife, and our “The most important the courage to explore our own team of experts thing I did as a father weaknesses, so has taught me a was to open my mind critical life lesson: we can let go to things I didn’t Loving your of old values children is not understand, things that and conquer enough. We must scared the hell out me, our fears. The protect them, too, things that made most important thing I did as but sometimes we me grow.” are unprepared to a father was to do so. open my mind to things I didn’t I was not prepared when my child understand, things that scared the sat on my lap and said, “When do I hell out me, things that made me get to be a girl?” My baby was asking grow. It was this hard and painful for help and I was not ready to help growth—embracing change, letting her. Since then, I’ve learned that our go of outdated values—that helped journeys start at home, and that we me save my child and my marriage. need to be as prepared for innocent and honest statements from our Almost every week I read about young children as we are from our or hear from a family in crisis college-age kids saying, “Dad, I am because a husband, boyfriend, or transgender and I need your help.” grandfather is not willing to use the right pronouns, sign off on a Sometimes we feel we don’t have the child’s name change, or let their tools we need to protect our children child wear the clothes that feel best.

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 57 I understand these men; I feel their life, with my wife, my son, and my pain and understand their fears transgender daughter, I have a team. about accepting their transgender My team includes counselors, family or gender-expansive children. doctors, endocrinologists, teachers, They are good men, hard-working, advocates, and even a few coaches honest, family men who fear the that are trained to help support unknown, and don’t know what my child. The terminology, the to do when their innocent and treatment, and the team look a bit beautiful babies try to tell them different from my high-school days who they really are; even the few but the objective is always the same: fathers who are ready continue to To support the team and to win. be afraid and need support. And by “winning,” I mean my As young men, our own fathers, transgender daughter gets to grow teachers, and coaches require us to up happy, healthy, and ready to face become team players, to help the the world. team get the job done, to win. In this

58 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG One Mother’s Story I’d tell myself to gather a stellar When our son, C.J., was a toddler supporting cast. We’d be lost and started playing with dolls, without our family, friends, wearing dresses, and drawing himself pediatrician, therapist, and child as a girl, my advocate. It takes more than one or husband and I two people to healthily launch became consumed “It’s easy to feel blessed with feelings a differently when you get what of confusion, gendered child sadness, worry, you expect. But can into adulthood. and constant panic you be thankful when I’d tell myself to “figure out” our things turn out not as to show C.J. son, who seemed expected? When things examples of to be a girl at heart. are more different other kids like Six years later, than normal, more him. Before C.J.’s penchant challenging than easy? we were lucky for all things Yes, you can.” enough to be a pink, glittery and part of a gender- fabulous hasn’t nonconforming changed; but we have—for the playgroup, we read lots of books better. I wish I could go back about kids who are gender in time, give myself a hug and nonconforming or different from tell myself that things do, in fact, the norms of society. Our favorites get better. are The Boy Who Cried Fabulous, A Fire Engine for Ruthie, and anything I’d tell myself to chill out and give else by Lesléa Newman. Todd Parr things some time. The only way to books are great, too. tell if something is a phase or has some deeper meaning is to wait it Most of all, I’d tell myself to enjoy out and patiently observe it. the path less traveled. C.J. and our family aren’t weird, we’re just I’d tell myself to search out resources different and if everybody were the and get educated. Before C.J., I same, this world would be a very didn’t even know the differences boring place. We paint nails, braid between sex, gender, and sexuality. hair, tap dance and smile big. People This unique parenting journey like C.J. give the world color. We doesn’t have to feel lonely; support, enjoy the rainbow. information and a sense of camaraderie are out there waiting to Our family and its support system be found. have evolved over the last several

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 59 years. We know that we are here to for anything in the world. We are love our child, not change him. He’s blessed beyond comprehension to absolutely free to be who he was have a gender-nonconforming son. created to be while knowing that we It’s easy to feel blessed when you get love him no matter what. what you expect. But can you feel that way and still be thankful when Parenting is hard as hell. We used things turn out not as expected? to stop every once in a while and When things are more different dreamily imagine what life would be than normal, more challenging like if C.J. conformed to traditional than easy? Yes, you can. That is gender norms. Now we wouldn’t what C.J. taught us. change our experiences or our son

60 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG One Spouse’s Story • Support. I desperately I did not expect my spouse to needed support to survive this come out to me as transgender in transition. I was mourning 2005, but I now see the clues: The the loss of my wife and scared progressively shorter hair, the man’s about our future. Liam, my suit he wore to our lesbian wedding, usual pillar of support, could and finally the request that new not be expected to put aside acquaintances call him Liam (not his own joy and delve into my his real name), a name that sounded sorrow and fear as often as I nothing like his needed. Luckily, feminine birth I was able to find name. When he “I quickly realized how people in my finally told me he much I loved the core of situation online was transgender my relationship with Liam and in the city and how being with him one August day, where I lived. made me a better person. I also leaned neither of us If we could maintain knew how we heavily on friends that core through this who had always would move transition, then adjusting been there for forward. It wasn’t to the male body and male easy, but here’s pronouns seemed like a me; one even what helped me: small sacrifice.” accompanied Liam and me to • Patience. the hospital in I tried to give Liam time to another city for his surgery. develop his new gender identity. • Growth. In my more He chose to use hormones and enlightened moments, I was surgery during his transition, able to see this as the once- and was over-the-moon with in-a-lifetime opportunity it excitement about both. He was: A chance to recommit seemed like a different person to the things I valued most for a while—especially when in life. I quickly realized how he began using hormones. much I loved the core of my My lovely 30-something wife relationship with Liam and became an adolescent boy, how being with him made me complete with oily skin, a a better person. If we could revving libido, and a penchant maintain that core through this for making rash decisions. He transition, then adjusting to the eventually made his way back male body and male pronouns to his old core values, and we seemed like a small sacrifice. became best friends again. But that took time.

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 61 Liam and I are happy our a similar situation, but I hope my relationship survived his transition, story gives other spouses hope that and we have since added a son to they, too, can find happiness after a our family. That may not be the spouse transitions. best outcome for other couples in

62 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG PFLAG NATIONAL GLOSSARY OF TERMS

The power of language to shape our perceptions of other people is immense. Precise use of terms in regards to gender and sexual orientation can have a significant impact on demystifying many of the misperceptions associated with these concepts. However, the vocabulary of both continues to evolve, and there is not universal agreement about the definitions of many terms. Nonetheless, here are some working definitions and examples of frequently used (and misused) terms which we offer as a starting point for dialogue and understanding.

Affirmed gender: The gender Androgyne: by which one wishes to be known. An androgynous individual. This term is often used to replace terms like “new gender” or “chosen Androgynous: A non-binary gender,” which imply that the gender identity typically used to current gender was not always a describe a person’s appearances or person’s gender or that the gender clothing. was chosen rather than simply in existence. Asexual: An individual who does not experience sexual attraction. Agender: A person who does not There is considerable diversity identify with any gender. among the asexual community; each asexual person experiences Ally: A term used to describe things like relationships, attraction, someone who does not identify and arousal somewhat differently. as LGBTQ but who is supportive Asexuality is distinct from celibacy of LGBTQ individuals and the or sexual abstinence, which are community, either personally or as chosen behaviors, while asexuality an advocate. Whereas allies to the is a sexual orientation that does not LGB community typically identify as necessarily entail either of those “straight,” allies to the transgender behaviors. Some asexual individuals community also come from the do have sex, for a variety of reasons. LGBQ community.

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 63 Assigned gender: The gender others. Coming out can also apply that is assigned to an infant at birth to the family and friends of lesbian, based on the child’s genitalia and gay, bisexual, or transgender youth other visible sex characteristics. or adults when they reveal to others their connection to an LGBTQ Bisexual: An individual who is person or the community. There are emotionally, romantically, and/ many different degrees of being out: or physically attracted to the same Some may be out to friends only, gender and different genders. some may be out publicly, and some Sometimes stated as “bi.” People may be out only to themselves. who are bisexual need not have had It’s important to remember equal sexual experience with people that coming out is an incredibly of the same or different genders and, personal and transformative in fact, need not have had any sexual experience. Not everyone is in the experience at all; it is the attraction same place when it comes to being that helps determine orientation. out, and it is critical to respect where each person is in that process Cisgender: A term used to of self-identification. It is up to each describe an individual whose gender person, individually, to decide if and identity aligns with the one typically when to come out. associated with the gender assigned to them at birth. Disclosure: A word that some people use intently and others avoid Closeted: Describes a person with equal intent, preferring to use who is not open about their sexual the term “coming out,” to describe orientation or gender identity, or the act or process of revealing one’s an ally who is not open about their transgender or gender-expansive support for people who are LGBTQ. identity to another person in a specific instance. Some find the Coming out: For most people term offensive, implying the need to who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, disclose something shameful, while and transgender, the process of others prefer disclosure, finding self-acceptance that continues “coming out” offensive. throughout one’s life, and the sharing of the information with Gay: The adjective used to describe others. Sometimes referred to as people who are emotionally, “disclosing” by the transgender romantically, or physically attracted community. Individuals often to people of the same gender establish a lesbian, gay, bisexual, or (e.g., gay man, gay people). In transgender/gender-nonconforming contemporary contexts, “lesbian” is identity within themselves first, often a preferred term for women, and then may choose to reveal it to though many women use the word

64 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG “gay” to describe themselves. People expansive individuals identify with who are gay need not have had any being either male or female, some sexual experience; it is the attraction identify as neither, and others that helps determine orientation. identify as a mix of both. Gender- expansive people feel that they exist Gender: A set of social, psychologically between genders, as psychological, or emotional on a spectrum, or beyond the notion traits, often influenced by societal of the male and female binary expectations, that classify an paradigm, and sometimes prefer individual as male, female, a mixture using gender-neutral pronouns (see of both, or neither. “Preferred Gender Pronouns”). They may or may not be comfortable with Gender-affirming surgery their bodies as they are, regardless of (GAS): Surgical procedures that how they express their gender. help people adjust their bodies in a way that more closely matches their Gender expression: The manner innate or internal gender identity. in which a person communicates Not every transgender person will about gender to others through desire or have resources for surgery. external means such as clothing, This should be used in place of the appearance, or mannerisms. This older and often offensive term “sex communication may be conscious change.” Also sometimes referred or subconscious and may or may to as sexual/gender reassignment not reflect their gender identity surgery (SRS or GRS, respectively), or sexual orientation. While most genital reconstruction surgery, or people’s understandings of gender medical transition. expressions relate to masculinity and femininity, there are countless Gender binary: The concept that combinations that may incorporate there are only two genders, male both masculine and feminine and female, and that everyone must expressions—or neither—through be one or the other. Also implies androgynous expressions. The the assumption that gender is important thing to recognize is that biologically determined. an individual’s gender expression Gender expansive: Also “gender does not automatically imply one’s creative,” (or medically, “gender gender identity. variant”). An umbrella term Gender identity: One’s deeply sometimes used to describe children held core sense of being male, and youth that expand notions female, some of both, or neither. of gender expression and identity One’s gender identity does not beyond what is perceived as the always correspond to biological expected gender norms for their sex. Awareness of gender identity society or context. Some gender-

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 65 is usually experienced as early as they feel it suggests these identities 18 months old and reinforced in are abnormal, preferring terms adolescence. such as “gender expansive” and “gender creative.” Gender neutral: Not gendered. Can refer to language (including Homophobia: An aversion to pronouns), spaces (like bathrooms), lesbian or gay people that often or identities (being genderqueer, manifests itself in the form of for example). prejudice and bias. Similarly, “biphobia” is an aversion to Gender nonconforming: A bisexuality and people who are term (considered by some to be bisexual, and “transphobia” is outdated) used to describe those an aversion to people who are who view their gender identity transgender. “Homophobic,” as one of many possible genders “biphobic,” and “transphobic” are beyond strictly female or male. the related adjectives. Collectively, More current terms include “gender these attitudes are referred to as expansive,” “differently gendered,” “anti- LGBTQ bias.” “gender creative,” “gender variant,” “genderqueer,” “gender fluid,” Homosexual: An outdated clinical “gender neutral,” “bigender,” term often considered derogatory “androgynous,” or “gender diverse.” and offensive, as opposed to the preferred terms, “gay” and “lesbian.” Gender spectrum: The concept that gender exists beyond a simple Intersex/differences of sexual “male/female” binary model, development (DSD): Individuals but instead exists on an infinite born with ambiguous genitalia or continuum that transcends the two. bodies that appear neither typically Some people fall towards more male nor female, often arising masculine or more feminine aspects, from chromosomal anomalies or some people move fluidly along the ambiguous genitalia. In the past, spectrum, and some identify off the medical professionals commonly spectrum entirely. assigned a male or female gender to the individual and proceeded Gender variant: A term, often to perform gender-affirming used by the medical community, to surgeries beginning in infancy and describe children and youth who often continuing into adolescence, dress, behave, or express themselves before a child was able to give in a way that does not conform informed consent. Formerly the to dominant gender norms. (See medical terms “hermaphrodite” and “gender nonconforming.”) People “pseudo-hermaphrodite” were used; outside the medical community these terms are now considered tend to avoid this term because neither acceptable nor scientifically

66 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG accurate. The Intersex Society of Pansexual: A person whose North America opposes this practice emotional, romantic, and/or of genital mutilation on infants and physical attraction is to people of children. (Note: Please see the note all gender identities and biological on page ii for information related sexes. People who are pansexual specifically to Intersex/DSD.) need not have had any sexual experience; it is the attraction that Lesbian: A woman who is helps determine orientation. emotionally, romantically, and/or physically attracted to other women. Preferred Gender Pronouns: People who are lesbians need not A preferred gender pronoun, or have had any sexual experience; it is PGP, is the pronoun or set of the attraction that helps determine pronouns that an individual would orientation. like others to use when talking to or about that individual. In LGBT: An acronym that collectively English, the singular pronouns refers to individuals who are lesbian, that we use most frequently are gay, bisexual, or transgender. It gendered, which can create an is sometimes stated as “GLBT” issue for transgender and gender- (gay, lesbian, bi, and transgender). nonconforming people, who may Occasionally, the acronym is stated prefer that you use gender neutral as “LGBTA” to include people who or gender-inclusive pronouns when are asexual or allies, “LGBTQ,” talking to or about them. In English, with “Q” representing queer or the most commonly used singular questioning, or “LGBTI,” with the gender-neutral pronouns are “ze” “I” representing intersex. (sometimes spelled “zie”) and “hir.” Some (as in this publication) also Lifestyle: A negative term often use “they” and “their” as gender- incorrectly used to describe the lives neutral singular pronouns.23 of people who are LGBTQ. The term is disliked because it implies that Queer: A term used by some being LGBTQ is a choice. people—particularly youth—to describe themselves and/or their Misgender: To refer to someone, community. Reappropriated from especially a transgender person, its earlier negative use, the term is using a word, especially a pronoun valued by some for its defiance, by or form of address, which does not some because it can be inclusive correctly reflect the gender with of the entire community, and which they identify. by others who find it to be an appropriate term to describe their Out: Describes people who openly more fluid identities. Traditionally self-identify as LGBTQ in their private, a negative or pejorative term for public, and/or professional lives. people who are gay, “queer” is still

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 67 sometimes disliked within the LGBT feelings primarily for people of community. Due to its varying the same gender; people who are meanings, this word should only bisexual experience these feelings be used when self-identifying or for people of different genders, quoting someone who self-identifies though not always at the same as queer (i.e. “My cousin identifies as time, and people who are asexual genderqueer”). experience no sexual attraction at all. Other terms include pansexual Questioning: A term used to and polysexual. Sexual orientation is describe those who are in a process part of the human condition, while of discovery and exploration about sexual behavior involves the choices their sexual orientation, gender one makes in acting on one’s sexual identity, gender expression, or a orientation. One’s sexual activity combination thereof. does not define who one is with regard to one’s sexual orientation; Same-Gender Loving: A term it is the attraction that helps sometimes used by members of the determine orientation. African-American/Black community to express an alternative sexual Stealth: A term used to describe orientation (gay/bisexual) without transgender or gender-expansive relying on terms and symbols of individuals who do not disclose their European descent. transgender or gender-expansive status in their public or private lives Sex: Refers to anatomical, (or certain aspects of their public physiological, genetic, or physical lives). The term is increasingly attributes that define if a person considered offensive by some as it is male, female, or intersex. implies an element of deception. These include genitalia, gonads, The phrase “maintaining privacy” is hormone levels, hormone receptors, often used instead. chromosomes, genes, and secondary sex characteristics. Sex is often Transgender: Sometime shortened confused or interchanged with to “trans.” A term describing a gender, which is thought of as more person’s gender identity that does social and less biological, though not necessarily match their assigned there is some considerable overlap. gender at birth. Other terms commonly used are “female to male” Sexual orientation: Emotional, (FTM), “male to female” (MTF), and romantic, or sexual feelings toward “genderqueer.” Transgender people other people. People who are may or may not decide to alter their straight experience these feelings bodies hormonally and/or surgically primarily for people of a different to match their gender identity. gender than their own. People who This word is also used as a broad are gay or lesbian experience these umbrella term to describe those who

68 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG transcend conventional expectations unable to transition for a wide range of gender identity or expression. of reasons both within and beyond Like any umbrella term, many their control. different groups of people with different histories and experiences Transsexual: A less frequently are often included within the greater used—and sometimes transgender community—such misunderstood—term (considered groups include, but are certainly by some to be outdated or possibly not limited to, people who identify offensive, and others to be uniquely as transsexual, genderqueer, applicable to them) which refers to gender variant, gender diverse, and people who are transgender who androgynous. use (or consider using) medical interventions such as hormone Transition: A term sometimes therapy or gender-affirming used to describe the process—social, surgeries (GAS), also called sex legal, or medical—one goes through reassignment surgery (SRS) (or a to discover and/or affirm one’s combination of the two) or pursue gender identity. This may, but does medical interventions as part of not always, include taking hormone; the process of expressing their having surgeries; and changing gender. Some people who identify names, pronouns, identification as transsexual do not identify as documents, and more. Many transgender and vice versa. individuals choose not to or are

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 69 RESOURCES

PFLAG is the nation’s largest organization of families, friends, and allies united with people who are LGBTQ. With more than 350 chapters across the country, we are here to help support you, to provide education on issues of importance to the LGBTQ community and their loved ones, and to advocate for equality and inclusion as we change hearts and minds, and transform culture.

To find the PFLAG chapter nearest you, visit pflag.org/find, or contact PFLAG National at [email protected].

Organizations Black Transmen Inc. Black Transmen Inc. is the first American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) national nonprofit organization of The ACLU also works to extend rights African American transgender men to segments of our population that solely focused on acknowledgment, have traditionally been denied their social advocacy, and empowering rights, including people of color; African American transgender men women; lesbians, gay men, bisexuals with resources to aid in a healthy and transgender people; prisoners; female to male transition. and people with disabilities. blacktransmen.org aclu.org 855.255.8636 212.549.2500 Black Transwomen Inc. Anti-Defamation League Black Transwomen Inc. is Now the nation’s premier civil committed to providing the (MTF) rights/human relations agency, ADL male to female community with fights anti-Semitism and all forms social and economic programs and of bigotry, defends democratic ideals resources to empower individual and protects civil rights for all. growth and contributions to the adl.org greater society. 212.885.7700 blacktranswomen.org

70 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG Center of Excellence for Family Acceptance Project (FAP) Transgender Health Directed by Caitlin Ryan at the The Center of Excellence for Marian Wright Edelman Institute Transgender Health aims to increase at San Francisco State University access to comprehensive, effective, and developed by Ryan and and affirming health care services Rafael Dìaz in 2002, FAP provides for transgender and gender-variant research-based educational materials communities. and interventions to strengthen transhealth.ucsf.edu families and their support of their LGBT youth. Related goals include The Child and Adolescent improving the health, mental health, Gender Center and wellbeing of LGBT youth; A collaboration between UCSF helping create an environment in and community organizations which LGBT youth can stay in their that offers comprehensive medical homes; and informing public policy. and psychological care, as well as http://familyproject.sfsu.edu/ advocacy and legal support, to gender non-conforming/transgender Family Equality Council youth and adolescents. The Family Equality Council works ucsfbenioffchildrens.org/clinics/ to ensure equality for LGBT families child_and_adolescent_gender_center/ by building community, changing 415.353.7337 hearts and minds, and advancing social justice for all families. Coalición TransLatin@ familyequality.org Coalición TransLatin@ aims to 617.502.8700 advocate for the specific needs of Transgender Latin@ immigrants Female-to-Male International who reside in the US and plan (FTMI) advocacy strategies that would An international organization improve their quality of life. serving the FTM community translatinacoalition.org through resources and regular newsletters. COLAGE ftmi.org COLAGE unites people with lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and/or Gay and Lesbian Advocates and queer parents into a network of peers Defenders (GLAD) and supports them as they nurture Through strategic litigation, public and empower each other to be skilled, policy advocacy, and education, self-confident, and just leaders in our Gay and Lesbian Advocates and collective communities. Defenders works in New England colage.org and nationally to create a just society 206.549.2054 free of discrimination based on

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 71 gender identity and expression, HIV Human Rights Campaign status, and sexual orientation. HRC is organized and operated glad.org for the promotion of the social 617.426-1350 welfare of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community. By Gay, Lesbian, and Straight inspiring and engaging individuals Education Network (GLSEN) and communities, HRC strives to end GLSEN works to ensure that LGBT discrimination against LGBT people students in grades K-12 are able and realize a world that achieves to learn and grow in a school fundamental fairness and equality environment free from bullying and for all. harassment. hrc.org glsen.org 202.628.4160 212.727.0135 The National Center for Transgender Gender Spectrum Equality Gender Spectrum provides NCTE is dedicated to advancing education, training, and support the equality of transgender people to help create a gender-sensitive through advocacy, collaboration, and and inclusive environment for empowerment. all children and teens. Gender transequality.org Spectrum also offers a wide 202.903.0112 range of resources, training and consultation to support schools to The Sylvia Rivera Law Project be more welcoming for all students, SRLP is dedicated to increasing the regardless of their gender. political voice and visibility of low- genderspectrum.org income people and people of color 510.788.4412 who are transgender, intersex, or gender non-conforming. GLAAD srlp.org GLAAD rewrites the script for LGBT 212.337.8550 acceptance. As a dynamic media force, GLAAD tackles tough issues Trans People of Color Coalition to shape the narrative and provoke Trans People of Color Coalition dialogue that leads to cultural change. (TPOCC) is working to build a GLAAD protects all that has been pipeline of activists to engage and accomplished and creates a world connect with one another to create a where everyone can live the life they “movement” of support, resources, love. and education in our community. glaad.org transpoc.org/ 323.933.2240

72 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG TransActive Gender Center The Transgender Legal Defense and TransActive Gender Center provides Education Fund a holistic range of services and TLDEF is committed to ending expertise to empower transgender discrimination based upon gender and gender nonconforming identity and expression and to children, youth, and their families achieving equality for transgender in living healthy lives, free of people through public education, discrimination. test-case litigation, direct legal transactiveonline.org services, and public policy efforts. 503.252.3000 tldef.org 646.862.9396 Transgender Advocacy Network TAN is an alliance of transgender Transgender Youth Family Allies organizations that work at the state TYFA works to empower children and local level, coming together and families by partnering with to build a stronger transgender educators, service providers and movement by facilitating the sharing communities to develop supportive of resources, best practices, and environments in which gender may organizing strategies. be expressed and respected. transadvocacynetwork.org imatyfa.org 888.462.8932 Transgender American Veterans Association TAVA was formed to address the Online Communities growing concerns of fair and equal treatment of transgender military COLAGE veterans and active duty service A group of online communities for members. youth and adults 13+ with LGBTQ tavausa.org parents seeking to build community, get support, and meet new people. The Transgender Law Center colage.org/programs/online The Transgender Law Center works to change law, policy, and The Lounge attitudes so that all people can live Gender Spectrum’s online safely, authentically, and free from community serving teens, parents, discrimination regardless of their and professionals. gender identity or expression. genderspectrum.org/we-can-help/ transgenderlawcenter.org the-lounge/ 415.865.0176

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 73 Parents of Transgender Kids found at ama-assn.org/ama/pub/ Founded in 2011, a forum for about-ama/our-people/ sharing information, resources, member-groups-sections/glbt- and support among parents advisory-committee/ama- (current membership of 1300) with policy-regarding-sexual- transgender children and teens. orientation.page. facebook.com/pages/Parents-of- Transgender-kids/ American Psychological Association: Answers to your Transfamily Questions about Transgender Based out of Cleveland, Ohio, People, Gender Identity, and Transfamily is a support network Gender Expression created by the parents of a An FAQ section providing a basic transgender person. The website overview of gender concepts. includes free discussion boards in the apa.org/topics/lgbt/transgender.aspx following categories: all-inclusive, parent-specific, couple-specific, “Choosing Professionals to spouse-specific, youth-specific, Work with Your Family” children-specific. A resource from Gender Spectrum transfamily.org to help families navigate finding the best professionals to work with Tri-Ess transgender and gender-expansive Tri-Ess is an educational, social and kids. support group for heterosexual dropbox.com/s/6h1lar2o6qlhcd6/ crossdressers, their partners, the Resources-Choosing_Professionals. spouses of married crossdressers pdf?dl=0 and their families. tri-ess.org/ The Gender Booklet A free PDF resource providing an overview of gender concepts. Online Tools thegenderbook.com/the- booklet/4561649703 American Medical Association Their LGBT-related pages can be GLAAD Media Reference Guide— found at ama-assn.org/ama/pub/ Transgender Issues about-ama/our-people/member- A glossary of transgender concepts groups-sections/glbt-advisory- to help those working in media committee.page, and their LGBT- fairly and accurately report on specific policy statements can be transgender issues. glaad.org/reference/transgender

74 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG GSA Network: Beyond the Binary TRANSGENDER*ATHLETE A campaign providing resources to A resource for students, athletes, make schools safe for transgender coaches, and administrators to find and gender non-conforming youth. information about transgender* gsanetwork.org/get-involved/ inclusion in athletics at various change-your-school/campaigns/ levels of play. This site pulls beyond-binary together existing information in one central location, and breaks down Lambda Legal and National Youth information into easy-to-reference Advocacy Coalition: Breaking the areas to help you find what you Mold need. An action kit for transgender transathlete.com students designed to help make school a safer place. The kit includes The Transcending Gender Project ideas and information to help The Transcending Gender Project is advocate for change and an extensive a celebration of human lives beyond list of resources to connect with the gender. While the mission of this transgender community and find project is to shift the way people support. think about gender, these portraits lambdalegal.org/sites/default/files/ are not actually about gender. They publications/downloads/btm_ are about people living their lives. bending-the-mold_0.pdf transcendinggender.org/

Matt Kailey’s Tranifesto Matt Kailey’s blog provides tips Literature for non-transgender people and an “Ask Matt” advice segment. (Note: if you buy any of the below Kailey is the author of My Child is from Amazon, you can donate to Transgender: 10 Tips for Parents of PFLAG National by signing into Adult Transgender Children. Amazon Smile—smile.amazon. tranifesto.com com—prior to purchasing.)

Transgender FAQ Children This FAQ from Human Rights Be Who You Are by Jennifer Carr Campaign provides an overview of A charming children’s story, written transgender concepts. by a mom, to tell an honest and hrc.org/resources/entry/ open experience of raising her transgender-faq transgender child and how she supported her and helped the school to support her as well. amazon.com/Who-You-Are- Jennifer-Carr/dp/1452087253

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 75 Gender Now Coloring Book by Meet Polkadot by Talcott Maya Gonzalez Broadhead A coloring book meant to provide Polkadot as well as Polkadot’s big reflection and support unity by sister Gladiola and best friend showing multiple genders standing Norma Alicia, introduce readers to together. Inside you’ll find stories, the challenges and beauty that are pictures, games and more to experienced by Polkadot as a non- encourage and remind you that you binary, transgender kid. are free to be! dangerdot.com/ordermeet reflectionpress.com/our-books/ polkadot/ gender-now-coloring-book Morris Micklewhite and the I Am Jazz by Jessica Herthel and Tangerine Dress by Christine Jazz Jennings Baldacchino The story of a transgender child Morris is a little boy who loves using based on the real-life experience of his imagination. But most of all, Jazz Jennings, who has become a Morris loves wearing the tangerine spokesperson for transgender kids dress in his classroom’s dress-up everywhere. center. The children in Morris’s class amazon.com/I-Am-Jazz-Jessica- don’t understand. One day when Herthel/dp/0803741073 Morris feels all alone and sick from their taunts, his mother lets him stay If You Believe in Mermaids…Don’t home from school. Morris dreams Tell by A. A. Phillips of a fantastic space adventure with Todd Winslow, who has just finished his cat, Moo. seventh grade has always struggled amazon.com/Morris-Micklewhite- with his own identity and what it Tangerine-Christine- means to be a boy, being perpetually Baldacchino/dp/1554983479 measured against what his father views as the ‘perfect son.’ Philips My Princess Boy by presents a difficult gender issue to Cheryl Kilodavis readers in a delicate manner. Dyson loves pink, sparkly things. amazon.com/You-Believe-Mermaids- Sometimes he wears dresses. Dont-Tell/dp/159858359X Sometimes he wears jeans. He likes to wear his princess tiara, even when Jacob’s New Dress by Sarah climbing trees. He’s a Princess Boy. Hoffman amazon.com/My-Princess- This heartwarming story speaks to Boy-Cheryl-Kilodavis/dp/ the unique challenges faced by boys 1442429887 who don’t identify with traditional gender roles. amazon.com/Jacobs-New-Dress- Sarah-Hoffman/dp/0807563730

76 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG Pinky and Rex and the Bully The Story of Ferdinand by James Howe by Munro Leaf Pinky’s favorite color is pink, and his Ferdinand is the world’s most best friend, Rex, is a girl. Kevin, the peaceful—and—beloved little bull. third-grade bully, says that makes While all of the other bulls snort, Pinky a sissy. Deep down, Pinky leap, and butt their heads, Ferdinand thinks Kevin is wrong, but he’s still is content to just sit and smell the worried. Does Pinky have to give up flowers under his favorite cork tree. his favorite things, and worse, does Leaf’s simple storytelling paired he have to give up his best friend? with Lawson’s pen-and-ink drawings amazon.com/Pinky-And- make The Story of Ferdinand a Bully-Ready-To-Read-Level/ true classic. dp/0689808348 amazon.com/The-Story-Ferdinand- Munro-Leaf/dp/044845694X Pugdog by Andrea U’Ren Mike and his pup are great friends. What Makes a Baby written by But Mike doesn’t know very much Cory Silverberg and illustrated by about dogs. Not only is Pugdog not Fiona Smyth a pug—Pugdog is not even a he, as A wonderful children’s book that Mike had thought all along, but a she! takes gender out of making a baby. Mike feels obliged to give Pugdog a what-makes-a-baby.com/ crash course on how to look and act the way a girl dog should. The only Young Adult problem is Mike doesn’t know much Almost Perfect by Brian Katcher about this subject either. Logan Witherspoon recently amazon.com/Pugdog- discovered that his girlfriend of Andrea-URen/dp/0374361495 three years cheated on him. But things start to look up when a new Sissy Duckling written by student named Sage Hendricks Harvey Fierstein and breezes through the halls of his Illustrated by Henry Cole small-town high school. Sage has Elmer is not like the other boy been homeschooled for a number of ducklings. While they like to build years and her parents have forbidden forts, he loves to bake cakes. While her to date anyone, but she won’t tell they like to play baseball, he wants to Logan why. Sage finally discloses her put on the halftime show. But when big secret: she’s actually a boy. his father is wounded by a hunter’s amazon.com/Almost-Perfect- shot, Elmer proves that the biggest Brian-Katcher/dp/0385736657 sissy can also be the greatest hero. amazon.com/The-Sissy- Freak Show by James St. James Duckling-Harvey-Fierstein/ Meet Billy Bloom, new student at dp/1416903135 the ultra-white, ultra-rich, ultra-

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 77 conservative Dwight D. Eisenhower nontraditional narratives, short Academy and drag queen stories, and brief graphics, tales of extraordinaire. Actually, drag queen anticipation and regret, eagerness does not begin to describe Billy and and confusion present distinctively his fabulousness. Any way you slice modern views of love, sexuality, it, Billy is not a typical seventeen- and gender identification. Together, year-old, and the Bible Belles, they reflect the vibrant possibilities Aberzombies, and Football Heroes at available for young people learning the academy have never seen anyone to love others—and themselves—in quite like him before. But thanks to today’s multifaceted and quickly the help and support of one good changing world. friend, Billy’s able to take a stand for harpercollins.com/9780061154980/ outcasts and underdogs everywhere how-beautiful-the-ordinary in his own outrageous, over-the-top, sad, funny, brilliant, and unique way. I am J by Chris Beam amazon.com/Freak-Show- J had always felt different. He was James-St/dp/0142412317 certain that eventually everyone would understand who he really Gracefully Grayson was: a boy mistakenly born as a girl. by Ami Polonski Yet as he grew up, his body began Grayson Sender has been holding to betray him; eventually J stopped onto a secret for what seems like praying to wake up a “real boy” forever: “he” is a girl on the inside, and started covering up his body, stuck in the wrong gender’s body. keeping himself invisible—from his The weight of this secret is crushing, parents, from his friends, from the but sharing it would mean facing world. But after being deserted by ridicule, scorn, rejection, or worse. the best friend he thought would Despite the risks, Grayson’s true always be by his side, J decides that self itches to break free. Will new he’s done hiding—it’s time to be strength from an unexpected who he really is. friendship and a caring teacher’s amazon.com/I-Am-J-Cris-Beam/ wisdom be enough to help Grayson dp/B00969UL8W step into the spotlight she was born to inhabit? Jumpstart the World by http://www.amazon.com/ Catherine Ryan Hyde Gracefully-Grayson-Ami- Elle is a loner. She doesn’t need people. Polonsky/dp/1423185277 Which is a good thing, because now she has to move out of her apartment How Beautiful the Ordinary by so her mother’s boyfriend won’t have Michael Cart, et al. to deal with her. Then she meets Poised between the past and the Frank, the guy who lives next door to future are the stories of now. In her new place. Frank isn’t like anyone

78 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG Elle has ever met. He listens to her. Liam’s family and friends ready to He’s gentle. And Elle is falling for him, welcome Luna into their lives? hard. Then Elle discovers that Frank is amazon.com/Luna-Julie-Anne- different in a way that Elle was never Peters/dp/0316011274 prepared for: he’s transgender. Elle’s head and her heart explode; her world Parrotfish by Ellen Whittlinger is turned upside down. But when an Angela Katz-McNair has never felt accident nearly takes Frank’s life, Elle quite right as a girl, but it’s a shock must search inside herself to find not to everyone when she cuts her hair only the true meaning of friendship short, buys some men’s clothes, and but her own role in jumpstarting announces she’d like to be called by the world. a new name, Grady. Although Grady amazon.com/Jumpstart-World- is happy about his decision to finally Catherine-Ryan-Hyde/ be true to himself, everybody else is dp/0375866264 having trouble processing the news. books.simonandschuster.com/ Kids of Trans Guide from COLAGE Parrotfish/Ellen-Wittlinger/ The first and only guide written 9781442406216 by and for people who have trans parents. This guide is full of stories, Rethinking Normal: A Memoir in advice, resources, and a voice to Transition by Katie Rain Hill validate and relate to when your In her unique, generous, and parent comes out as transgender. affecting voice, nineteen-year- colage.org/wp-content/uploads/ old Katie Hill shares her personal 2010/12/KOT-Resource-Guide- journey of undergoing gender Draft-2.pdf reassignment. amazon.com/Rethinking- Luna by Julie Ann Peters Normal-A-Memoir-Transition/ Regan’s brother Liam can’t stand dp/14814182 the person he is during the day. Like the moon from whom Liam has Some Assembly Required by chosen his female namesake, his true Arin Andrews self, Luna, only reveals herself at Seventeen-year-old Arin Andrews night. In the secrecy of his basement shares all the hilarious, painful, bedroom Liam transforms himself and poignant details of undergoing into the beautiful girl he longs to be, gender reassignment as a high school with help from his sister’s clothes student in this winning memoir. and makeup. Now, everything is barnesandnoble.com/w/some- about to change-Luna is preparing assembly-required-arin-andrews/ to emerge from her cocoon. But are 1118600521?ean=9781481416757

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 79 Adult Gender Outlaw: On Men, Becoming A Visible Man by Women and the Rest of Us Jamison Green, Ph.D. by Kate Bornstein Combines candid autobiography Part coming-of-age story, part with informed analysis to offer mind-altering manifesto on gender unique insight into the multiple and sexuality, coming directly to challenges of the female-to-male you from the life experiences of a transsexual experience, ranging transsexual woman. from encounters with prejudice amazon.com/Gender-Outlaw- and strained relationships with Men-Women-Rest/dp/0679757015 family to the development of an FTM community and the realities of guide to being a trans ally surgical sex reassignment. A new publication from PFLAG amazon.com/Becoming-Visible- National’s Straight for Equality® Man-Jamison-Green/dp/ project to empower transgender 082651457X allies. straightforequality.org/document. Becoming Me by Mia Rose Elbo doc?id=893 An ongoing web comic about Mia, a transgender girl in her twenties, Helping your Transgender Teen: A fresh out of college and finally in guide for parents by Irwin Krieger hormone therapy. She is slowly If you are the parent of a exploring her new life. transgender teen, this book will help bmcomic.tumblr.com/page/63 you understand what your child is feeling and experiencing. Irwin Gender Born, Gender Made: Krieger is a clinical social worker Raising Healthy Gender- with many years of experience Nonconforming Children by helping transgender teens. This Diane Ehrensaft, Ph.D book brings you the insights gained Ehrensaft offers parents, clinicians, from his work with these teenagers and educators guidance on both and their families. the philosophical dilemmas and the amazon.com/Helping-Your- practical, daily concerns of working Transgender-Teen-Parents/ with children who don’t fit a dp/069201229X “typical” gender mold. She debunks outmoded approaches to gender He’s My Daughter: nonconformity that may actually do A Mother’s Journey to Acceptance children harm. And she offers a new by Eve Langley framework for helping each child Lynda’s account of how she adjusted become his or her own unique, most to the reality that her eldest son gender-authentic person. had decided to physically become amazon.com/gp/product/ a woman is the story of a family. B006MY4DL0?btkr=1 Tears and laughter, support and 80 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG withdrawal, accompany Toni–now On the Couch with Dr. Angello: the eldest daughter–as she maps out Raising & Supporting Transgender her new life. And with her all the Youth by Dr. Michele Angello time is Lynda, her mother. Helping When a single child comes out, their to select her wardrobe, guiding entire family will transition, along her in the subtleties of speech with their community. This is an and behavior, and supporting her, eye-opening guide to navigating especially in the early stages of her social spaces when most don’t quite new life as a woman. understand the process of changing hares-hyenas.com.au/book.asp? genders. RecID=11016 amazon.com/The-Couch-With-Dr- Angello-ebook/dp/B00CSBDT1Q The Last Time I Wore A Dress by Daphne Scholinski Queerly Beloved by Diane and This memoir recounts the author’s Jacob Anderson-Minshall three years spent in mental After fifteen years as a lesbian institutions for, among other things, couple, Jacob came out to Diane Gender Identity Disorder. Because as a transgender man. Eight years she was a tomboy who wore jeans later, the couple not only remains and T-shirts and didn’t act enough together, they still identify as like a girl, her treatment, in addition queer, still work in LGBT media, to talk therapy, isolation, and drugs, and remain part of the LGBT required her to wear makeup, community. The authors delve into walk with a swing in her hips, and their relationship to reveal the trials pretend to be obsessed with boys. and tribulations they have faced amazon.com/The-Last-Time-Wore- along the way. Dress/dp/1573226963 amazon.com/Queerly-Beloved-Story- Across-Genders/dp/1626390622 My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd Author Helen Boyd is a happily Raising My Rainbow: Adventures married woman whose husband in Raising a Fabulous, Gender enjoys sharing her wardrobe. Boyd Creative Son by Lori Duron gives a thoughtful account of A frank, heartfelt, and brutally funny their relationship (as well as the account of Duron and her family’s relationships of other crossdressers adventures of distress and happiness she knows) in this forthright and raising a gender-creative son. revelatory book. amazon.com/Raising-My-Rainbow- amazon.com/My-Husband-Betty- Adventures-Fabulous-ebook/dp/ Love-Crossdresser/dp/1560255153 B00BRUQ3YO

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 81 Redefining Realness: My Path to protecting this right within the Womanhood, Identity, Love & So hotly contested terrain of America’s Much More by Janet Mock public schools. In 2011, Marie Claire magazine amazon.com/The-Right-Be-Out- published a profile of Janet Mock in Orientation/dp/0816674582 which she stepped forward for the first time as a trans woman. Those She’s Not the Man I Married: My twenty-three hundred words were Life with a Transgender Husband life-altering for the People.com by Helen Boyd editor, turning her into an influential As Boyd struggles to understand and outspoken public figure and a the nature of marriage, passion, desperately needed voice for an often and love, she shares her confusion voiceless community. and anger, providing a fascinating amazon.com/Redefining- observation of the ways in which Realness-Path-Womanhood- relationships are gendered, and Identity/dp/1476709130 how we cope, or don’t, with the emotional and sexual pressures The Right To Be Out: Sexual that gender roles can bring to our Orientation and Gender Identity marriages and relationships. in America’s Public Schools amazon.com/Shes-Not-Man- by Stuart Biegel Married-Transgender-ebook/dp/ Biegel begins with a cogent history B004L9M1CQ and analysis of the dramatic legal developments concerning the rights She’s Not There: A Life in Two of LGBT persons since 1968. He Genders by Jennifer Finney Boylan then turns to what K–12 schools This bestseller is the winning, should do-and in many cases have utterly surprising story of a person already done-to implement right-to- changing genders. By turns hilarious be-out policies. He examines recent and deeply moving, Boylan explores legal and public policy changes that the territory that lies between men affect LGBT students and educators and women, examines changing in the K–12 public school system. friendships, and rejoices in the Underlying all of these issues, he redeeming power of family. shows, is an implicit tension about amazon.com/Shes-Not-There-Life- the right to be out, a right that is Genders/dp/0385346972 seen as fundamental within LGBT communities today and, legally, The Social Justice Advocate’s draws on both the First Amendment Handbook: A Guide to Gender right to express an identity and the by Sam Killerman Fourteenth Amendment right to A book about gender with no be treated equally. Biegel addresses mention of the word “hegemony,” the implications of asserting and but plenty of references to Star Wars,

82 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG The Matrix, Lord of the Rings, and asks what it means to be a father, or Star Trek—with less of a focus on a mother, and to what extent gender overwhelming scholarship and more shades our experiences as parents. of a focus on enjoyable learning. amazon.com/Stuck-Middle-You- A couple hundred pages of gender Parenting-Genders/dp/0767921771 exploration, social justice how-tos, practical resources, and fun graphics Supporting and Caring for Our and comics, it offers clear, easily- Gender Expansive Youth, a report digested, and practical explanations from Gender Spectrum and the of one of the most commonly Human Rights Campaign misunderstood things about people. This report examines the amazon.com/The-Social-Justice- experiences of survey respondents Advocates-Handbook/dp/ whose gender identities 0989760200 or expressions expand our conventional understanding of Stone Butch Blues gender. It is designed to provide by Leslie Feinberg adults with a better understanding Published in 1993, this brave, of these youth and to help adults original novel is considered to be find ways to communicate with and the finest account ever written of support all youth in their lives. The the complexities of a transgendered report also provides information existence. and suggestions for those seeking amazon.com/Stone-Butch-Blues-A- to increase their comfort and Novel/dp/1459608453 competency with the evolving landscape of gender identity and Stuck in the Middle with You: A expression. Memoir of Parenting in Three genderspectrum.org/youth/ Genders by Jennifer Finney Boylan A father for six years, a mother Trans Bodies, Trans Selves: for ten, and for a time in between, A Resource for the Transgender neither, or both, Boylan has seen Community edited by parenthood from both sides of Laura Erickson-Schroth the gender divide. When her two A comprehensive guide written children were young, Boylan came by, for, and about transgender and out as transgender, and as she genderqueer people. transitioned from a man to a woman amazon.com/Transgender- and from a father to a mother, her Bodies-Selves-Transgender- family faced unique challenges and Community/dp/0199325359 questions. In this thoughtful, tear- jerking, hilarious memoir, Boylan

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 83 The Transgender Child: A emerging and constantly changing Handbook for Families and area of law. Professionals by Stephanie A. Brill amazon.com/Transgender- and Rachel Pepper Family-Law-Effective-Advocacy/ The Transgender Child is a dp/1468552147 comprehensive guidebook that, through research and interviews, Trans-Kin: A Guide for Family provides insight on how to and Friends of Transgender People raise transgender and gender (Volume 1) by Dr. Eleanor A. nonconforming children with love Hubbard (Editor), Cameron T. and compassion. Whitley (Editor) amazon.com/gp/product/ Transgender-Kin is a collection B0097D7CPM?btkr=1 of stories from significant others, family members, friends and allies Transgender Family Law: of transgender persons (SOFFAs). A Guide to Effective Advocacy Powerful, thought-provoking and by Jennifer Levi & Elizabeth E. enlightening, this collection will Monnin-Browder provide for the head and the heart This book provides a comprehensive of anyone who has ever loved a treatment of family law issues transgender person. Transgender- involving transgender persons. Kin is also an essential read for allies Various experts have written of the transgender community and chapters that provide practical anyone who wishes to become one. advice on providing effective amazon.com/Transgender-Kin- representation for transgender Family-Friends-Transgender- clients. Family law practitioners People/dp/0615630677 representing this community often encounter challenging issues Transgender Employment unique to transgender individuals. Experiences: Gendered Perceptions Some of these topics include legal and the Law by Kyla Bender-Baird recognition of post-transition name Brings together the workplace and sex, parental rights, relationship experiences of transgender people recognition and protections, divorce with an assessment of current and relationship dissolution, custody policy protections, using personal disputes involving transgender interviews, legal case histories, and children, legal protections for transgender theory. transgender youth, intimate partner amazon.com/Transgender- violence, and estate planning and Employment-Experiences- elder law. This book serves as a Gendered-Perceptions/ resource for those practicing in this dp/1438436742

84 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG Transgender History Transitions of the Heart edited by by Susan Stryker Rachel Pepper Stryker takes a chronological The first collection to ever invite approach to transgender history mothers of transgender and from the mid-twentieth century to gender variant children of all ages its publication in 2008 by examining to tell their own stories about movements, writings, and events. their child’s gender transition. amazon.com/Transgender- Sharing stories of love, struggle, History-Studies-Susan-Stryker/ and acceptance, this collection of dp/158005224X mother’s voices, representing a diversity of backgrounds and sexual Transgender Warriors: The Making orientations, affirms the experience of History from Joan of Arc to of those who have raised and are Dennis Rodman by Leslie Feinberg currently raising transgender and Feinberg (author of Stone Butch gender variant children between the Blues) examines historical notions ages of 5–50. of gender, how they have shifted amazon.com/Transitions- over time, and how societies that Heart-Struggle-Acceptance- celebrated gender creativity and Transgender/dp/1573447889 variance were structured. amazon.com/Transgender- Two Spirits, One Heart: A Mother, Warriors-Making-History-Dennis/ Her Transgender Son, and Their dp/080707941 Journey to Love and Acceptance by Marsha Aizumi with Aiden Aizumi Transgender Workplace Diversity: In this first of its kind, illuminating Policy Tools, Training Issues and new book, PFLAG mother, educator Communication Strategies for and LGBT activist Marsha Aizumi HR and Legal Professionals by shares her compelling story Jillian T. Weiss, J.D., Ph.D. of parenting a young woman Explanation and how-to for HR and who came out as a lesbian, then legal professionals on transgender transitioned to male. The book policy development, training and chronicles Marsha’s personal communication strategies for the journey from fear, uncertainty, and workplace. sadness to eventual unconditional amazon.com/Transgender- love, acceptance, and support of her Workplace-Diversity- child who struggled to reconcile his Communication-Professionals/ gender identity. dp/1419673289

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 85 Whipping Girl: A Transsexual level of dignity and respect arely Woman on Sexism and the experienced in feature films prior to Scapegoating of Femininity by Julia this time. Serano http://www.amazon.com/All- A collection of personal essays that About-Mother-Cecilia-Roth/ debunk many of the myths and dp/0767847105 misconceptions that people have about transgender women, as well as Another Woman (2008) the subject of gender in general. Lea, a transgender woman makes amazon.com/Whipping-Girl- contact with the members of the Transsexual-Scapegoating- family she abandoned years before Femininity/dp/1580051545 when she was a man named Pierre. Although eventually the truth comes out, Lea decides to fight for Films her legal rights to oversee the lives of her children. (Note: if you buy any of the following amazon.com/Another-Woman- films or documentaries from Amazon, Jerry-Lucas/dp/B001BDZR3U you can donate to PFLAG National by signing into Amazon Smile—smile. Beautiful Boxer (2004) amazon.com—prior to purchasing.) This bio-pic of transgender Muay Thai boxer Parinya Charoenphol A Girl Like Me: The Gwen Araujo documents her pursuit of the sport Story (2006) to pay for gender-affirming surgery. Based on the true story of Gwen imdb.com/title/tt0401248/ Araujo, a young transgender woman Beautiful Daughters (2006) who was brutally murdered by four This documentary follows a group men in 2002. of transgender women putting on imdb.com/title/tt0787484/ the first all-transgender production of “The Vagina Monologues,” All About My Mother (1999) including a new monologue. Focused on femininity and imdb.com/title/tt0791292/ womanhood, this is Pedro Almodóvar’s most sustained and Be Like Others (2008) sensitive look at trans women’s lives. An intimate and unflinching look The highlight of this intricately at life in Iran is seen through the plotted and beautifully written lens of those living at its fringes, this masterpiece is a monologue, where documentary is a provocative look a trans character talks about the at a generation of young Iranian price of being “authentic” in a men choosing to undergo sex- hostile society, but throughout, reassignment surgery. the film accords trans women a imdb.com/title/tt1157609/

86 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG Boys Don’t Cry (1999) Gun Hill Road (2011) This film is based on the true story An ex-con returns home to the of transgender man Brandon Teena Bronx after three years in prison attempting to find himself and love to discover his wife estranged and in Nebraska before he is murdered his teenage son exploring a gender in 1993. transformation that will put the imdb.com/title/tt0171804/ fragile bonds of their family to the test. The Brandon Teena Story (1998) imdb.com/title/tt1525838/ This 1998 documentary tells the tragic story of transgender man Just Call Me Kade (2002) Brandon Teena, who was murdered This documentary follows in rural Nebraska in 1993. 14-year-old Kade Farlow Collins, imdb.com/title/tt0144801/ a transgender boy living with his understanding family in Tucson, Cruel and Unusual (2006) Arizona. In this documentary, five imdb.com/title/tt0345468/ transgender women share their prison experiences. Interviews with Lady Valor: The Kristin Beck Story attorneys, doctors, and other experts (2014) are also included. In this documentary, former U.S. imdb.com/title/tt0861699/ Navy SEAL Kristin Beck embarks on a new mission as she lives her life Faces & Facets of Transgender truthfully as a transgender woman. Experience (2010) imdb.com/title/tt3499084/ Eighteen people and their families share touching stories about the Ma Vie en Rose (1997) journey from despair and loss to Ludovic is a transgender girl the joy of being the gender they who can’t wait to grow up to be a were meant to be. Diversity of ages, woman. When her family discovers ethnicity and background of the the little girl blossoming in her interviewees put many faces on what they are forced to contend with it means to be gender variant. their own discomfort and the pflagboulder.org/pflag-resources/ lack of understanding from their faces-facets/ new neighbors. imdb.com/title/tt0119590/ Girl Inside (2007) This Canadian documentary follows Middle C (2007) Madison, a 26-year-old transgender This multiple award-winning two- woman, during her three-year part radio documentary follows transition. singer Tristan Whiston’s story of imdb.com/title/tt1339096/

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 87 female-to-male transition, including the story of her journey of family discussion and perspectives. self-discovery. abc.net.au/radionational/ imdb.com/title/tt1757830/ programs/360/middle-c/3106624 Paris Is Burning (1990) Middle Sexes: Redefining He This documentary chronicles New and She (2005) York’s drag scene in the 1980s, Examines the diversity of human focusing on balls, voguing and the sexual and gender variance around ambitions and dreams of those who the globe, with commentary by gave the era its warmth and vitality. scientific experts and first-hand imdb.com/title/tt0100332/ accounts of people who do not conform to a simple male/ Princesa (2001) female binary. Fernanda, a 19-year-old Brazilian imdb.com/title/tt0495729/ transgender woman, travels to Milan and becomes a prostitute to finance No Dumb Questions (2001) a sex-change operation. A lighthearted and poignant imdb.com/title/tt0281094/ documentary that profiles three sisters, ages 6, 9, and 11, struggling Prodigal Sons (2008) to understand why and how their In this documentary, filmmaker Uncle Bill is becoming a woman. Kimberly Reed returns home for These girls love their Uncle Bill, but her high school reunion, ready to will they feel the same way when he reintroduce herself to the small town becomes their new Aunt Barbara? as a transgender woman and hoping nodumbquestions.com for reconciliation with her long estranged adopted brother Marc Normal (2003) imdb.com/title/tt1295068/ Irma and Roy Applewood have been happily married for twenty-five Red Without Blue (2007) years and are model citizens in their This documentary explores the community. Roy brings Irma to intimate bond between two meet Reverend Dale Muncie, their identical twin brothers, a bond pastor and friend, to say he will have that is challenged when one comes a sex-change operation. out as a transgender woman and imdb.com/title/tt0338290/ decides to transition. imdb.com/title/tt0923870/ Orchids: My Intersex Adventure (2010) Romeos (2011) In this documentary, intersex Twenty-year old-Lukas is a filmmaker Phoebe Hart tells transgender man taking the steps through his gender-reassignment

88 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG treatment. His friendship with Ine Tomboy (2011) makes the changes and assimilation When 10-year old tomboy Laure easier. Lukas sees his romantic world moves to a new neighborhood with open up for him as Ine introduces family, she introduces herself as a him to gay life in Cologne. As he boy named Mikhael to new friends. becomes more and more interested imdb.com/title/tt1847731/ in a local gay boy things get more and more complicated. TransGeneration (2005) imdb.com/title/tt1830792/ This mini-series looks at the lives of four college students undergoing She’s a Boy I Knew (2007) gender transition. This documentary is a comic, heart- imdb.com/title/tt0461110/ breaking, uplifting autobiography that focuses on the interpersonal True Trans (2014) relationships of a family who The story of punk rock singer unexpectedly find their bonds Laura Jane Grace of Against Me! strengthening as they overcome their who came out as a woman in 2012, preconceptions of gender and sexuality. and other members of the trans imdb.com/title/tt1095496/ community whose experiences are woefully underrepresented and Soldier’s Girl (2003) misunderstood in the media. A film based on the true story of the http://on.aol.com/show/true-trans- relationship between Barry Winchell 518250660.288/518451031 and transgender woman Calpernia Addams and the events leading up to XXY (2007) Winchell’s murder by fellow soldiers. In a small coastal town of fishermen imdb.com/title/tt0324013/ in Uruguay, the biologist Kraken works and lives in a house at the Southern Comfort (2001) seaside with his wife Suli and This documentary records the intersex fifteen-year-old Alex. When final year in the life of transgender Suli welcomes her former best friend man Robert Eads, who was refused Erika, her surgeon husband Ramiro, treatment for ovarian cancer by two and their teenage son Alvaro to dozen doctors in Georgia, out of fear spend a couple days with her that treating such a patient would family, Kraken learns that his wife hurt their reputations. By the time invited Ramiro to operate on Alex. Eads received treatment, the cancer Meanwhile Alex and Alvaro feel was too advanced to save his life. attracted to each other. imdb.com/title/tt0276515/ imdb.com/title/tt0995829/

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 89 Conferences (as of 2015) Diva Las Vegas (Nevada) geekbabe.com/dlv/

Esprit (Washington) Northeast espritconf.com Beauty and the Beach (Delaware) cdspub.com/batb/ Gender Odyssey Family (Washington) The Empire (New York) genderodyssey.org transeventsusa.org/empire/index.php Gender Spectrum Family Fantasia Fair (Massachusetts) Conference (California) fantasiafair.org genderspectrum.org/quick-links/ events First Event (Massachusetts) firstevent.org Southeast Gender Conference East Keystone Conference (Maryland) (Pennsylvania) genderconferenceeast.org transcentralpa.org/keystone.htm Kindred Spirits (North Carolina) Philadelphia Trans-Health trans-spirits.org Conference (Pennsylvania) trans-health.org TransFaith Summit (North Carolina) Transcending Boundaries tfaan.org (Massachusetts) transcendingboundaries.org Transgender Health and Education Alliance (Georgia) Transgender Lives (Connecticut) thea-plus.org transadvocacy.org/transgender-lives- conference Virginia TIES (Virginia) equalityvirginia.org/transgender/ West summit Colorado Gold Rush (Colorado) coloradogoldrush.org/#/

90 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG Camps Our campers come from across the US and identify along the full LGBT spectrum. Our staff reflects Camp Aranu’tiq our LGBT community and allies. All harborcamps.org staff are subject to references and Founded in 2009 by Nick Teich, background checks. who dreamed of a safe & fun place for youth who felt like they might Camp Odyssey not fit in at other camps because nwcampodyssey.org/program.php of their gender, they have flagship Camp Odyssey is an innovative summer camps in New Hampshire diversity training and leadership and California, as well as leadership development program for Oregon programs for older teens and youth between 14 and 18 years weekend family camps, serving 400 of age. Its aim is to help foster campers over the course of one year. appreciation, understanding, and respect for cultural differences Camp Highlight while building leadership skills. We camphighlight.com/wp/ empower young people to gain the Camp Highlight is a week- life skills needed to become social long camp for children ages 8 investors, transforming not only to 15 who have a lesbian, gay, themselves, but also their collective bisexual, or transgender parent or communities. parents. We focus on recreational activities, nature education, and Camp Outright team building. Each camper is campoutright.org/ given individual attention by our Camp Outright is a week-long experienced counselors and staff and residential summer camp program has the opportunity to participate for queer and allied youth held in a wide variety of activities. Our at the Common Ground Center goal is to have each camper develop in Starksboro, Vermont. Camp self-confidence, social skills, and Outright is a traditional summer leadership abilities in a safe and camp program with topical nurturing environment. workshops and activities to address the needs stated by queer Camp Lightbulb and questioning youth. Campers camplightbulb.org participate in a wide variety of daily Our mission is to provide a magical, activities based upon their interests, overnight summer camp experience including swimming, sports and for LGBT youth, aged 14 to 17, games, visual and performing arts, filled with fun, pride, community, wilderness skills, social justice, friends, support, self-discovery and identity caucuses, and much more. memories to last a lifetime.

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 91 Camp Ten Trees which include: Camp Heartland, camptentrees.org/about.html Camp Northstar, Camp 5210, and OneFutures in Willow River, Camp Ten Trees is a nonprofit Minnesota; Camp True Colors with organization located in Washington locations in Minnesota, Connecticut State. Central to the organization’s and Texas; and Camp Hollywood purpose are our yearly summer HEART in Malibu, California. camp sessions—one week for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, The Naming Project queer, and questioning (LGBTQ) thenamingproject.org youth and their allies and another week for children/youth of LGBTQ The first camp for Christian LGBTQ or non-traditional families. Camp youth. The mission of The Naming Ten Trees is a place for diverse youth Project is to provide a safe and who share common experiences sacred space where youth of all to come together and form a sexual orientations and gender community that is truly their own. identities are named and claimed by a loving God; can explore and One Heartland share faith; experience healthy and oneheartland.org/camps-and- life-giving community; reach out programs to others; and advocate for systemic change in church and society. At the core of One Heartland’s mission are our camp programs,

92 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG ENDNOTES

1 Gates, Williams Distinguished 7 “Gender dysphoria” is the current Scholar, G. J. (2011) ‘How many diagnosis that replaces “gender people are lesbian, gay, bisexual, and identity disorder” in the DSM-5. transgender?’. The Williams Institute. PFLAG has contacted the AMA to ensure that this resolution on their 2 ‘If you are concerned about your website is changed to reflect this child’s gender behaviors: A guide new diagnosis. for parents’ (2003). Washington, DC Children’s National Medical Center. 8 Coleman, E. (ed.) (2011) ‘Standards of Care for the Health 3 Answers to Your Questions About of Transsexual, Transgender, and Transgender People, Gender Identity Gender-Nonconforming People, and Gender Expression (no date) The Version 7’, International Journal of American Psychological Association. Transgenderism. Available at: www. Available at: http://www.apa.org/ wpath.org. topics/lgbt/transgender.aspx (Accessed: 2 March 2015). 9 About APA & Psychiatry (no date). Available at: http://www.psychiatry. 4 Stone, R., Dickinson, T., Taibbi, M., org/about-apapsychiatry (Accessed: Martín, J., Cruz, E., Knefel, J., Yarm, 2 March 2015). M., Sheffield, R., Drell, C., Murray, N., Wood, J., Grierson, T., Fear, D., 10 Gender Dysphoria (2013) American Montgomery, J., Lund, J., Fricke, D., Psychiatric Association. Available at: Travers, P., Dunkerley, B., Hudak, http://www.dsm5.org/documents/ J., Betts, S. and Erdely, S. R. (2014) gender%20dysphoria%20fact%20 ‘The Science of Transgender’. Rolling sheet.pdf (Accessed: 2 March 2015). Stone. Available at: http://www. 11 Grant, Jaime M., Lisa A. Mottet, rollingstone.com/culture/news/ Justin Tanis, Jack Harrison, Jody L. the-science-of-transgender- Herman, and Mara Keisling. Injustice 20140730 (Accessed: 2 March 2015). at Every Turn: A Report of the 5 Kohm, E., Lichtman, R., Owen, L., National Transgender Discrimination and Sasse, R. (2014) Be Yourself. Survey. Washington: National PFLAG National. Center for Transgender Equality and National Gay and Lesbian 6 Ibid. Task Force, 2011.

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 93 12 Jackson, D. (no date) Transgender- psychosocial adjustment.’, Psychology Parenting FAQ, Transgender- of Sexual Orientation and Gender Parenting. Available at: http:// Diversity, 1(S), pp. 71–80. doi: www.trans-parenting.com/ 10.1037/2329-0382.1.s.71. understanding-gender/faq/ 17 Ibid. (Accessed: 26 February 2015). 18 Guidelines for Creating Policies for 13 Meier, PhD, C. and Harris, MA, J. Transgender Children in Recreational (no date) Fact Sheet: Gender Diversity Sports. (2009) Transgender Law & and Transgender Identity in Children, Policy Institute. Available at: http:// American Psychological Association. media.wix.com/ugd/2bc3fc_ Available at: http://www.apadivisions. 6cd03b8e19147c71c0153c81 org/division-44/resources/advocacy/ e96babcb.pdf (Accessed: transgender-children.pdf (Accessed: 2 March 2015). 25 February 2015). 19 Coleman, E. (ed.) (2011) 14 Jackson, D. (no date) Transgender- ‘Standards of Care for the Health Parenting FAQ, Transgender- of Transsexual, Transgender, and Parenting. Available at: http:// Gender-Nonconforming People, www.trans-parenting.com/ Version 7’, International Journal of understanding-gender/faq/ Transgenderism. Available at: (Accessed: 26 February 2015). www.wpath.org. P. 18 15 Ryan, C., Russell, S. T., Huebner, 20 Ibid. P. 18 D., Diaz, R. and Sanchez, J. (2010) ‘Family Acceptance in Adolescence 21 Ibid. P. 20 and the Health of LGBT Young 22 Adults’, Journal of Child and Association, A. P. (no date) Adolescent Psychiatric Nursing, 23(4), ‘Developing Adolescents: A Reference pp. 205–213. doi: 10.1111/j.1744- for Professionals’, PsycEXTRA 6171.2010.00246.x. Dataset. doi: 10.1037/e639452007- 001. 16 Toomey, R. B., Ryan, C., Diaz, R. M., 23 Card, N. A. and Russell, S. T. (2013) The GLSEN Jump Start Guide, Part ‘Gender-nonconforming lesbian, 7 (no date). New York, NY: The Gay, gay, bisexual, and transgender youth: Lesbian, and Straight Education School victimization and young adult Network.

94 Our Trans Loved Ones PFLAG.ORG We encourage you to immediately seek out help if you or a loved one needs it, especially if you or your loved one are in danger or have thought about self-harm in any way.

For LGBTQ youth, please contact The Trevor Project online at thetrevorproject.org/pages/get-help-now, or call one of the following:

Helplines The Trevor Project: (866) 488-7386

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800) 273-8255

Ali Forney Day Center: (212) 206-0574

Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) Info: (800) 342-AIDS (2437) Spanish service: (800) 344-7432 TDD service for the deaf: (800) 243-7889 [10:00am till 10:00pm EST, Monday through Friday]

The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline: (888) 843-4564

The GLBT National Youth Talkline (youth serving youth through age 25): (800) 246-7743

The National Runaway Switchboard: (800) RUNAWAY (786-2929)

PFLAG.ORG Our Trans Loved Ones 95 PFLAG National 1828 L Street, NW, Suite 660 Washington, DC 20036 (202) 467-8180 pflag.org