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Ak Watergate! Ten years later, the buffs are still on the case. AK WATERGATE! BY RON R0SENBAUM ■AT AM AWARE," IL R. Haldeman writes, "that up in its wake lack the taint of ghoulishness that has J. there is a cult of people in this country who continued to plague grassy knoll theories, the most collect every scrap of information about Watergate recent excrescence of which (David Lifton's Best Evi- because of its many fascinating mysteries." He's more dence) insists on conjuring up a gruesome postmortem than aware: his memoir, The Ends of Power, is a seething surgical alteration of the fatal wounds to fit a favored nest of almost every conceivable scrap of Watergate bullet trajectory theory. Although certain Watergate conspiracy theory developed to date. The Democratic theorists venture equally far into fantasy (I have in my Trap Theory, the CIA Watergate collection a Trap Theory, the Black- curious vanity press mail Demand Theory: volume called The Jour- you name it, H. R. Bob nal of Judith Beck Stein, buys it. Indeed, the for- written by a former pa- mer chief of staff is tient in the Chesnut nothing if not a buff Lodge sanitarium, himself, and he spices which seems to allege his book with tantaliz- that the entire Water- ing buff-to-buff hints gate conspiracy and for further investiga- cover-up was engi- tion of the "fascinating neered to cheat her out mysteries." "111 only of a legacy and silence pause to bring out one her exposure of the more fact about the banking system), the $350,000," he teases, eyes of Watergate buffs "this one for the Water- tend to twinkle rather gate buffs.... " 1.2 M 4e J Dean, 3 Cox, 4 Liddy, than stare. Ours is a civ- Although such recog- 5 Jaworski, 6 Frank Wills, 7 Hunt, ilized passion. nition is welcome, the 8 Colson, 9-10 M k I Mitchell, 11 Ervin, Who, then, are the 12 Sirica, 13 Woodward, 14 Bernstein, tone of the reference is 15 Haldeman, 16 RN, 17 Ehrlichman, Watergate buffs? Not, regrettably uncharita- /8 Rose Mary Woods. as you might expect, a ble. By calling serious coterie of Nixon-haters students of Watergate a still savoring each de- DRAWING St' ALLEN CARROLL FOR THE NEW REPUBLIC "cult" of "buffs," he is, lectable detail of his de- of course, lumping us with the much-abused "assassi- mise, "wallowing in Watergate," as the ex-President nation buffs" and the aura of bad taste and futility that put it. No, many of the most relentless and dedicated is associated with their efforts. Watergate buffs are pro-Nixon revisionists determined But there is a difference between these two domains to prove that the whole episode was a dirty trick of buffdom. Perhaps because—as Nixon partisans like perpetrated upon, rather than by, Richard Nixon. to remind us—"nobody drowned at Watergate," the (Reed Irvine's Accuracy in Media newsletter has tire- conjectures and conspiracy theories that have sprung lessly pursued the Democratic Trap Theory for seven years now.) Ron Rosenbaum wrote the "Wallowing in Watergate" Some of us are reporters who were stationed in column for the Village Voice, and later a novel, Murder Washington for the thrilling Final Days, and have at Elaine's, in which the mystery is resolved by the developed a lasting taste for the arcana, however tan- contents of the eighteen-minute tape gap. His latest gential, of the case. I, for example, can claim credit for book is Rebirth of the Salesman: Tales of the Song & being the first to uncover both a prophetic mention of Dance '70s (Delta). Watergate in the Bible and an anticipation of the JUNE 23, 1982 15 Plumbers Squad in the historical etymology of the analyzed? (See "How Nixon Got Strung Up," by Nich- Oxford English Dictionary. In the Book of Nehemiah olas von Hoffman, page 24.) (Ne:8:1) the people of Israel gather after their return Some buffs will stop at nothing in an effort to find from Babylonian exile to hear the prophet Ezra read some rational explanation for the actions of Richard the law of Moses to them for the first time since they Nixon. Consider the heroic efforts of Professor Doug- regained their freedom. Where do they gather to hear las Muzzio, author of Watergate Games, an attempt to the Word? At the entrance to Jerusalem known as "the translate major Watergate turning points into math- Watergate." And the D.E.D. offers an eerie foreshadow- ematical game theory decision matrixes. Game theory ing of the substance of the twentieth-century scandal proves, according to Muzzio, that far from acting as he in the eighteenth-century usage of the verb "water- did "because he was 'mad' or 'needed to fail,' " RN gate": to void urine. That "acted rationally in re- is, in effect, to leak. m. L1DDY-DEAN GAME sponse to events and ac- Though studies of BEFORE SILBERT DECEPTION tions by other Water- I-IDDY this sort may seem inad- DEAN (actual Preferences) gate players." Even if missibly mystical to COOPERATE DEFECT the professor's "payoff Dm Per AO dtlenkani some, there are hard- A. g B. 3.3 matrixes" and "decision COOPERATE (11 0.) 4- riTtiTl nosed investigators -Pooprolt" man,. trees" fall short of con- among the buffs as C. vincing us of that con- DEFECT C.1 D. D,2 well: former prosecu- (X) (4) clusion, he is an ex- tors, Congressional traordinarily well-read Liddy at 800411 staffers, politicians— -cooperate 80041. buff, and his analysis of even an ex-President, the other "Watergate S. APPARENT LIDDY-DEAN the greatest buff of AFTER SILBERT DECEPTION players" is often illumi- them all. All are united nating. Take, for in- • LIDDY DEAN (Silbert) by undiminished de- CIPAPP.RATF DEI-EcT stance, the game theory light in the "fascinating rationale he constructs A. 2,4 B. 1,4 t CPAPERAll mysteries" to which (I) 01 to rehabilitate the much H. R. Bob refers. And in maligned original Wa- C. 4,1 D. (,) III* ha, wporalLI fact there are genuine IJI.F1-t 1 Jornmsni "11r1.. tergate prosecutor, Earl It) (4) vrater, gaps in our knowledge Silbert. Muzzio claims that are more extensive Dato ha Paamma that a Silbert prose- • 1111,,ale% than anything any I.P.O• ■ chow.. ol cutorial "ploy"—trick- -dslat'..paapf eighteen minutes of ing Dean into believing tape could supply. NOTE: I. .k. y Liddy (Silbert), Dean. 2. Liddy's ranking of outcomes C and I) in I.9a is unknown. Any of three Liddy was already talk- There are obvious ques- puksible racking 1A,B.D.C1 or (A,H.C-131 produce the same ing—was the key to tions (quick: who or- result given the strip prCrOPOCC of both A and H so C and respectively, for Liddy. cracking the case. If you dered the break-in?) 3. I)can's percepkon of Liddy's ranking of the 1.4ts outcomes is assumed to he find that hard to be- and subtle ones (just IC. .A, H). 4 Silbert pfelerences (in parentheses) are 03.11.A1 in boll games. thnessene C is lieve, just study Profes- what was missing from nn,i LINPACICCI s■us-c Liddy's deleohion Is not Peal. Verner, 01. sor Muzzio's chart of the "Bay of Pigs report" 1. illy circled oulc es pre the FalioDal onocurnea. the game at left. that Richard Helms fi- While such reduc- FROM 'WATERGATE GAMES' (NEW YORK UNIVERSITY PRESS. 1982) nally turned over to tionist efforts are good Richard Nixon, and how did it shape the outcome of for a chuckle, the idea that all Watergate mysteries the CIA cover story fabricated in the famous "smoking were "solved" by the smoking gun is no less laugh- gun" tape?). And there are more esoteric excursions able. In fact (and this is what raises Watergate cultists into the ambiguities of the evidence. Did the White from buffdom to scholarship) there is still uncharted House tamper with the birth certificate of the alleged territory to be explored. With that in mind, let's take a "love child" of George McGovern? Who was private brisk tenth anniversary wallow in the muddied fields eye Woolsten-Smith's source of information in The of Watergate theory and survey the state of the art in November Group? And what was the mysterious "red the kingdoms of conjecture built by the buffs. box" the President keeps harping on in his September 15, 1972, talk with John Dean? ("What is the situation Foreknowledge Theory, in its many forms, has been on the little red box?" asks P. "Have they found the a consistent growth area of buffdom over the past ten box yet?" Could this be a childhood toy—Nixon's years—a steady performer compared to, say, Deep Rosebud?) Finally, of course, there are the larger moti- Throat Theory, which proceeds by fits and starts of vational questions: was the downfall of the President guesswork. Foreknowledge Theory has blossomed pure self-destruction, or was he undermined by sub- into a major revisionist heresy. In its "Democratic terranean power struggles which have yet to be fully Trap" variation, it's become a vehicle for the quest of 16 THE NEW REPUBLIC IQ 82.151 die-hard Nixon loyalists for historical vindication. one of them would have been able to get through to Trap Theory traces its origins to seven volumes of Officer Shoffler. But Shoffler flatly denies being executive session testimony taken by Howard Baker's tipped off, and there is no smoking gun to contradict minority staff of the Senate Watergate committee.
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