Play On by Avery Cockburn Comments from beta readers and critique partners

I thought Play On readers might like to see how Duncan and Brodie’s story came to life. Sadly, it did not gush out of me perfect as a newborn babe.1 I couldn’t have made it the story it was without the help of my beta readers and critique partners.2

To maintain privacy, I’ve assigned each a character who matches their personality or style of feedback.3

The Players4:

A woman of honor and justice who lets me get away with nothing. If she were a Dungeons & Dragons character, her alignment would be Lawful Good.

My best writer friend, supportive but not afraid to tell me when I’ve gone wrong. Grants me the courage to follow my instincts.

Knows her own mind and does not suffer fools gladly. Loves her pets more than anything.

A loyal friend and ardent fan who will no doubt recite a list of one-star reviewers in her head as she falls asleep.

1 Are newborn babes perfect? I’ve only seen them on TV. 2 So blame them if you didn’t like it, hahaha! 3 No parallels to real-life gender, height (or lack thereof), or hair (or lack thereof) should be assumed. 4 This is the final footnote.

1 A quick-witted charmer with deadly insights and a special Queen affection for men who love men.

That rare combination of a warm heart and a cool head. Knows who is where at all times, finds mistakes and opportunities others cannot see.

A shrewd judge of both character and story, his vast knowledge stretches far beyond grammar. Always has the best lines.

Knower of All Things. His wide network of sources and pitch-perfect insights make Lord (The Spider) him indispensable, whether I’m writing books or avoiding assassinations.

A passionate man whose potent charm makes an Prince Oberyn Martell instant impression. Provides expert analysis of naughty bits.

I, of course, am …

… because without these people, I know nothing.

2 The Big Stuff

First of all, I need to acknowledge the immense contribution of Samwell Tarly, whose notes I have criminally lost, due to the fact we discussed it over Skype rather than email. I remember we talked at length about bullying and its lasting effects on Brodie. Without Samwell’s help, I know I could not have brought this important story element to life.

There were three major issues with the first draft of Play On:

1. The first draft featured an entirely different opening scene. The crap original version can be downloaded from the Extra Time page where you got this document (www.averycockburn.com/extra-time).

Brienne: The opening scene goes on (and on and on) without really advancing the real plot – I don’t care about who takes what tables in the library and which people lie about who’s in the bathroom, etc.

I decided to rewrite the library scene from scratch with only three main characters, then preface it with a scene from Duncan’s POV: the infamous quarterfinal match (*insert slasher-film music*). That game sets the entire series in motion—it has major ramifications for Fergus and John in Playing for Keeps—so it was the perfect place to start.

That fact seems SO obvious now, but I might not have realized it had Brienne not pointed out the weakness of the original opening.

2. Lack of conflict between Duncan and Brodie (like, why don’t they just get together already??).

Queen Margaery: It took a while for me to get where they were at emotionally at the beginning. Had Brodie convinced himself Duncan didn’t want him? Considering how much of the beginning they spend in each other’s company, trying to restrain themselves from lunging at each other (and holy SHIT, by the way, are you ever good at building that brand of tension!), it would help me if it were clearer why they were tiptoeing around one another so much.

All the tension-causing stuff happened in the backstory, which doesn’t feel as IMMEDIATE. What if they saw each other for the first time since the hookup and one of them was all HEY THAT WAS GREAT LET US DO IT AGAIN FOREVER and the other was like…whoa, coming on too strong. So we can SEE them start out with a disconnect. Otherwise it just feels like the tension is being drawn out for…well, for the sake of tension being drawn out.

Jon Snow: I could have Duncan say that he wants to try again and have Brodie reject him out of hand. That would add tension, but it’d make Duncan too embarrassed to spend time with Brodie at all. I can’t imagine him being

3 like, “Right, so you want nothing to do with me, how about I spend 24 hours a day caring for you?”

Also, if Duncan did declare his feelings from the beginning, Brodie would probably say YAY YES! and then the story would be over.

If the rejection is subtle but implicit (as it stands now, with Brodie giving him the brushoff before Duncan voices his feelings and then Duncan agreeing), they can continue this game. An outright rejection means game over and they go their separate ways. Their “No harm, no foul” exchange is a “maybe,” whereas a rejection is a “NO.”

(I suppose on the flip side, Brodie could be the one to say, “Let’s try again” at the beginning, but that doesn’t sound like him at all. He’s so ruled by fear and guards his own heart so vigilantly.)

Margaery: I think I put my finger on it. Duncan and Brodie are on the exact same page from the beginning. They each think the encounter was super hot but they fucked it up, they both want to do it again, but they both think the other doesn’t want anything to do with them.

And what I, as a reader, was trying to do, was untangle Brodie’s motivations from Duncan’s, and vice versa -- when in fact there was nothing to untangle because they were coming from the exact same place. Maybe it would be helpful if they WERE coming from different angles?

I absolutely agree that an outright rejection (instead of “no harm, no foul”) would stall the story before it even began. So, yeah, never mind that! But I do want more of Duncan early on, if possible....

Jon Snow: Your thoughts gave me an idea! I decided Brodie was the one who ran off in embarrassment, after Duncan LAUGHED (even though he was laughing in empathy and at the absurdity of the situation, and because he was drunk). Brodie thought D was laughing at HIM, because he’d been laughed at so much in his life.

So at the start of the story, Duncan wants to make it up to Brodie, but Brodie feels humiliated just being around Duncan. His feelings of embarrassment are exacerbated by his illness and weakness and dependency.

This also connects Brodie’s fear of being bullied to Duncan himself. You said there was a big difference between off-field and on-field violence, so Brodie’s reaction seemed out of proportion. But if Brodie sees Duncan laugh after the brawl (could be totally unrelated, like Colin making a joke), it connects it all in his mind.

Margaery: Oh oh oh OH, I LOVE the idea of Duncan laughing, and Brodie thinking the laughter is at his expense! Seriously, I read that and everything

4 just CLICKED. And Brodie seeing Duncan laugh after the brawl? Also a kickass fix. Yes yes yes.

Yeeeeeeeeeah this novella! :D

3. I asked beta readers if they thought Brodie was as amazing as Duncan thought he was, as he didn’t really DO much in the first draft.

Arya: Brodie doesn’t DO much, but he IS amazing. The fear he works through in order to be with a footballer and the crap he’s had to endure from his hometown is enough to make me see that just like Duncan does. Plus, were it not for the B man, Fergus and John would never meet and fall in love. (Is it weird that I kinda miss Fergus right now? Not in PO, but in general. *sigh*) Characters overcoming anxiety/fears/mental roadblocks are the most heroic in my book. By faaar. <3

Margaery: This is a hard one, because I feel like I experienced much more of the novella through Brodie’s eyes than through Duncan’s. I do believe that Duncan believes Brodie’s amazing, though, and in terms of a romantic connection, and the things that belief inspires Brodie to do, it absolutely worked for me.

Brienne: This is a problem for me. I see that Duncan is attracted to the opposite-ness of Brodie, to the delicate-ness of him, and the vulnerability of him. I suspect he’s charged by the idea of being Brodie’s first, and I appreciate that he’s willing to protect Brodie under those circumstances. But those properties don’t make Brodie “amazing.” I love the final scene, where we see Brodie harness his beliefs in a physical confrontation. Whatever solutions you craft to make Brodie more amazing early on can’t undermine that excellent final scene.

Brienne then suggested some amazing things Brodie could do, some of which could have been their own spinoff story! I came up with my own idea, having him counsel and comfort his ex-boyfriend, Geoffrey, to keep focus on Brodie’s emotional growth.

4. In the first draft, Duncan’s assault of the bully center-back McCurdy was premeditated rather than a temper flare-up (you can download the crap original brawl scene on the Extra Time page: www.averycockburn.com/extra-time). I asked beta readers if they thought it should be a “punch of passion” rather than a cold- blooded attack.

Margaery: It DOES seem too calculated, and that takes away from Duncan’s real issue, which is his temper. In fact, it completely contradicts it. The fact that he CAN calm down enough not only to think about things, but also to bring Colin in on his plan AND carry it out? That’s not a temper issue. That’s a meanness issue.

5 Brienne: Ding, ding, ding! I have a lot of problem with the physical violence (even more, I think, than Brodie does), and the premeditation of it made it a thousand times worse for me. Your suggested fix would work much better – having Duncan act in the heat of the moment, ideally as McCurdy makes a direct threat for what he and his mates will do to Brodie after the game.

Arya: Punching that asshole at either one of these moments would feel like a Duncan-thing to do.

Midsize Stuff

1. In the current Chapter Two, as Duncan’s making tea and soup for Brodie, he thinks about how Evan’s departure shamed the Warriors:

By ditching the Warriors to run off with his lover, Evan Hollister had fulfilled the worst gay stereotype—that of a shallow, fickle man following his prick. He’d made the team a laughingstock. He’d made being gay an embarrassment again. Ultimately, he’d robbed the Warriors of not only a captain and an attacking midfielder, but their pride in themselves.

Originally he had these thoughts much later. I moved it up because of this:

Daenarys: I would have liked a little more background to the Duncan/Evan relationship so I could understand where Duncan’s extreme anger is coming from. I do like the explanation you give later but at this point Duncan says he doesn’t usually snap at people like that, but since I didn’t know him beforehand he just seems like a hothead without explanation. He’s so nice and attentive with Brody but then all of a sudden breaks into anger.

I can see how Brody is different because he is a calming influence (that’s written well) but I don’t quite understand where Duncan is coming from. It all makes sense later when we get the full explanation and his background but he’s a little underdeveloped at this point in comparison to Brody.

2. Mononucleosis—hot or not?

Brienne: I had trouble finding Brodie alluring, because I don’t find sick people sexually attractive. I kept thinking of Victorian-and-earlier novels where consumptives are glorified as their lungs are liquefying in their chests.

Jon Snow: Brodie is through the worst of mono except extreme fatigue and headaches (see page 7). Those aren’t ingredients for hotness, but what made you think he was gross and unattractive just because he sleeps a lot?

Brienne: I missed the diagnosis information, in the tangle of how the library works and how Spotted works and who the four non-lead characters were and whether this was going to be a book about desk-hogging, and, and, and…

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I’ve also flavored my reading with my own experience of recovering from mono (and other long-lasting illnesses). Devastating fatigue has an emotional component – depression, despair, etc. – which made me a poor candidate for romance. Also, lying in bed for days on end makes me sweaty and flaccid.

Jon Snow: At the risk of TMI, when I had mono I felt complete shit but STILL wanted to make out with my boyfriend. Remember the hormones of 18-year- olds. It takes A LOT to dampen them. Think of the characters in The Fault in Our Stars—they had sex whilst dying of cancer! (Sorry for spoiler.)

3. Football follies a. On the difference between a striker and a forward:

Lord Varys: I’ve always thought of a forward being a general attacking player, whereas a striker would be “just” a goal-scorer. I’d consider Ronaldo to be a forward as he does a lot more than just score goals but someone like, I dunno, Torres? would be a striker ‘cos he mostly just scores goals. Of course, the idea of just being a goalscorer or poacher is beginning to look dated now. The 4-3-3 system can be used with 2 wingers & a central striker, or 3 mobile forwards (like Barcelona like to play). Or 2 strikers & a deep-lying forward/creative player. It’s pretty fluid. b. The nature of a defending midfielder like Fergus.

First draft:

Duncan knew that when nearly every Warriors scoring play was dissected, Fergus was found to be its architect. Duncan knew that when nearly every Warriors scoring play was dissected, Fergus was found to be its architect.

But Lord Varys reminded me that defending midfielders are more part of the defense than the offense. He suggested I emphasize Fergus’s interception skills rather than his playmaking ability. So the above line became:

No one read an oncoming attack like Fergus. With precisely timed interceptions and tackles, he’d disrupt plays before opponents could even dream of shooting for goal. He’d kept the team so organized on the pitch, they seemed to share one collective brain.

As a bonus, I got rid of the brutally on-the-nose reference to Fergus being an architect (which is also his day job).

7 Wee Stuff

1. Original version of a line from the launderette scene, when Brodie is discussing Duncan with John:

“Aye, but we’re just pals.” Brodie traced the edges of a burn mark on the blue ironing- board cover. “Barely that, even.”

Tyrion: After lying in bed, under the covers, with each other—even not touching—“just pals” seems about as unlikely as that guy who gave Marcellus Wallace’s wife a footrub meaning nothing by it. There’s no such thing as just a footrub.

Final version:

“Aye, but we’re just pals.” Brodie traced a burn mark on the ironing-board cover and thought of Duncan’s sponge-bath offer. “Pals with potential.”

2. On Brodie and Duncan’s first kiss:

Arya (via text): Finally! The sexual tension between B&D was killing me! In the best possible way. Loving this!

Tyrion: Oh thank God!

3. On Brodie’s bullying flashback (induced by a poster of Cristiano Ronaldo, by the way):

Missandei: Oh god, my heart breaks for him. L Reading what he went through made my stomach hurt.

Tyrion: God, that’s awful. Well done.

4. Duncan started heating Brodie’s bowl of soup in the microwave, then saw that the water in the electric kettle was ready.

Missandei: Mine beeps and auto shuts off to stop boiling, though I know there are some that don’t do either. Just thought I’d provide the information. J

See? I told you she misses nothing. I changed it to: The electric kettle dinged, snapping Duncan back to the present, back to their prickly conversation.

5. A tap on his calf drew his attention back to the sleeping Duncan, whose feet twitched beneath the covers. Was he dreaming of a heroic sprint down the pitch, ending with a final kick past the outstretched arms of a goalkeeper? What sorts of thoughts filled that bold, carefree mind?

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Tyrion: I love this—it’s like watching a pet sleep. Are you chasing rabbits, boy? Are ya?

6. “So what’s your sort of hard? Driving about on a Friday night with your secret boyfriend, listening to The Smiths’ ‘There Is a Light That Never Goes Out,’ reveling in the tragedy of it all?”

Tyrion: Jesus, he doesn’t know when to shut up sometimes. Eggshells, dude. But he’s privileged by his parents, and doesn’t understand how deeply Brodie has been hurt. (Anyway, before I read this sentence, I thought “What’s your sort of hard?” was going to lead into whispered dirty talk.)

I changed “hard” to “difficult.”

7. A hot shiver of humiliation seized Duncan, starting at his forehead, sweeping up over his scalp, then down over his entire body.

Tyrion: This seems like an almost superhuman amount of humiliation- tracking. I think you’re better off ending the sentence at Duncan.

Done.

8. In a way, Brodie was glad he’d waited all year to have sex, until he’d found someone like Duncan.

No. Not someone like him. Him.

Perhaps he’d been waiting for Duncan since the moment they met, that day in September at the start of freshers week.

Tyrion: You tease! A flashback! NOW?

Well done.

9 Stuff that made me go ❤

Oberyn: WOW! Just...WOW!! Your words are making me miss my boyfriend something fierce. You have managed to capture so much of the good, bad, wonderful, and ugly about being gay and in love. I am able to see a lot of myself in Duncan...the “mad at the world and scrappy about it” approach especially. Brodie reminds me very much of [REDACTED]...and his experience with bullying and growing up in Mississippi...although Brodie has fewer hang-ups about being gay than does my love...but he is strong and working on it.

I also like the support system you have built around them in the form of friends and flatmates. The current generation is an example of what we have fought long and hard for, in that there are less and less of them every year who have strong prejudices against the LGBT community....most treat it as “normal and business as usual” and we are seeing more and more champions in the community every passing day. Far more so than I saw or had myself when I came out. While there are still bigots and douchebags out there, they are slowly being replaced and shut down by a much more forward-thinking and accepting group of youngsters.

Margaery: I read PLAY ON on the bus back from [REDACTED]! My seatmate kept asking me why I was making "Eep" noises, if that tells you anything about my reaction to it.

Tyrion: First of all, congratulations on producing what amounts to perhaps the cleanest manuscript I’ve ever read. Well, except for the butt-sex, which was right dirty.

Arya: Oh! Just in case you haven't heard it recently: You're my favorite author. Still. And 4evah. *muah*

Brienne: I love, love, love the way you’ve integrated John and Fergus into the story. They work if we haven’t read PLAYING FOR KEEPS, because they’re kept as supporting characters, but this novella is much richer for having them there. (I also see a lot more of John’s good points, so I’m especially glad that I read this.)

Brienne was not a fan of John in an earlier draft of Playing for Keeps (which I actually wrote before Play On.) Just wait’ll you see what she called him!

Speaking of which, if you enjoyed this bonus material, please do let me know at [email protected]. If I hear from happy readers regarding this set of comments, I’ll compile one for Playing for Keeps to send you next month.

Also, if you’d like to be a beta reader for future books and claim your own Game of Thrones character, email me and we’ll discuss. No Joffreys need apply.

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