Play On by Avery Cockburn Comments from beta readers and critique partners I thought Play On readers might like to see how Duncan and Brodie’s story came to life. Sadly, it did not gush out of me perfect as a newborn babe.1 I couldn’t have made it the story it was without the help of my beta readers and critique partners.2 To maintain privacy, I’ve assigned each a Game of Thrones character who matches their personality or style of feedback.3 The Players4: A woman of honor and justice who lets me get away with Brienne of Tarth nothing. If she were a Dungeons & Dragons character, her alignment would be Lawful Good. My best writer friend, supportive but not afraid to Samwell Tarly tell me when I’ve gone wrong. Grants me the courage to follow my instincts. Knows her own mind and does not suffer fools gladly. Daenerys Targaryen Loves her pets more than anything. A loyal friend and ardent fan who will no doubt recite a list Arya Stark of one-star reviewers in her head as she falls asleep. 1 Are newborn babes perfect? I’ve only seen them on TV. 2 So blame them if you didn’t like it, hahaha! 3 No parallels to real-life gender, height (or lack thereof), or hair (or lack thereof) should be assumed. 4 This is the final footnote. 1 A quick-witted charmer with deadly insights and a special Queen Margaery Tyrell affection for men who love men. That rare combination of a warm heart and a cool head. Knows who is where at all Missandei times, finds mistakes and opportunities others cannot see. A shrewd judge of both character and story, his vast Tyrion Lannister knowledge stretches far beyond grammar. Always has the best lines. Knower of All Things. His wide network of sources and pitch-perfect insights make Lord Varys (The Spider) him indispensable, whether I’m writing books or avoiding assassinations. A passionate man whose potent charm makes an Prince Oberyn Martell instant impression. Provides expert analysis of naughty bits. I, of course, am Jon Snow… … because without these people, I know nothing. 2 The Big Stuff First of all, I need to acknowledge the immense contribution of Samwell Tarly, whose notes I have criminally lost, due to the fact we discussed it over Skype rather than email. I remember we talked at length about bullying and its lasting effects on Brodie. Without Samwell’s help, I know I could not have brought this important story element to life. There were three major issues with the first draft of Play On: 1. The first draft featured an entirely different opening scene. The crap original version can be downloaded from the Extra Time page where you got this document (www.averycockburn.com/extra-time). Brienne: The opening scene goes on (and on and on) without really advancing the real plot – I don’t care about who takes what tables in the library and which people lie about who’s in the bathroom, etc. I decided to rewrite the library scene from scratch with only three main characters, then preface it with a scene from Duncan’s POV: the infamous quarterfinal match (*insert slasher-film music*). That game sets the entire series in motion—it has major ramifications for Fergus and John in Playing for Keeps—so it was the perfect place to start. That fact seems SO obvious now, but I might not have realized it had Brienne not pointed out the weakness of the original opening. 2. Lack of conflict between Duncan and Brodie (like, why don’t they just get together already??). Queen Margaery: It took a while for me to get where they were at emotionally at the beginning. Had Brodie convinced himself Duncan didn’t want him? Considering how much of the beginning they spend in each other’s company, trying to restrain themselves from lunging at each other (and holy SHIT, by the way, are you ever good at building that brand of tension!), it would help me if it were clearer why they were tiptoeing around one another so much. All the tension-causing stuff happened in the backstory, which doesn’t feel as IMMEDIATE. What if they saw each other for the first time since the hookup and one of them was all HEY THAT WAS GREAT LET US DO IT AGAIN FOREVER and the other was like…whoa, coming on too strong. So we can SEE them start out with a disconnect. Otherwise it just feels like the tension is being drawn out for…well, for the sake of tension being drawn out. Jon Snow: I could have Duncan say that he wants to try again and have Brodie reject him out of hand. That would add tension, but it’d make Duncan too embarrassed to spend time with Brodie at all. I can’t imagine him being 3 like, “Right, so you want nothing to do with me, how about I spend 24 hours a day caring for you?” Also, if Duncan did declare his feelings from the beginning, Brodie would probably say YAY YES! and then the story would be over. If the rejection is subtle but implicit (as it stands now, with Brodie giving him the brushoff before Duncan voices his feelings and then Duncan agreeing), they can continue this game. An outright rejection means game over and they go their separate ways. Their “No harm, no foul” exchange is a “maybe,” whereas a rejection is a “NO.” (I suppose on the flip side, Brodie could be the one to say, “Let’s try again” at the beginning, but that doesn’t sound like him at all. He’s so ruled by fear and guards his own heart so vigilantly.) Margaery: I think I put my finger on it. Duncan and Brodie are on the exact same page from the beginning. They each think the encounter was super hot but they fucked it up, they both want to do it again, but they both think the other doesn’t want anything to do with them. And what I, as a reader, was trying to do, was untangle Brodie’s motivations from Duncan’s, and vice versa -- when in fact there was nothing to untangle because they were coming from the exact same place. Maybe it would be helpful if they WERE coming from different angles? I absolutely agree that an outright rejection (instead of “no harm, no foul”) would stall the story before it even began. So, yeah, never mind that! But I do want more of Duncan early on, if possible.... Jon Snow: Your thoughts gave me an idea! I decided Brodie was the one who ran off in embarrassment, after Duncan LAUGHED (even though he was laughing in empathy and at the absurdity of the situation, and because he was drunk). Brodie thought D was laughing at HIM, because he’d been laughed at so much in his life. So at the start of the story, Duncan wants to make it up to Brodie, but Brodie feels humiliated just being around Duncan. His feelings of embarrassment are exacerbated by his illness and weakness and dependency. This also connects Brodie’s fear of being bullied to Duncan himself. You said there was a big difference between off-field and on-field violence, so Brodie’s reaction seemed out of proportion. But if Brodie sees Duncan laugh after the brawl (could be totally unrelated, like Colin making a joke), it connects it all in his mind. Margaery: Oh oh oh OH, I LOVE the idea of Duncan laughing, and Brodie thinking the laughter is at his expense! Seriously, I read that and everything 4 just CLICKED. And Brodie seeing Duncan laugh after the brawl? Also a kickass fix. Yes yes yes. Yeeeeeeeeeah this novella! :D 3. I asked beta readers if they thought Brodie was as amazing as Duncan thought he was, as he didn’t really DO much in the first draft. Arya: Brodie doesn’t DO much, but he IS amazing. The fear he works through in order to be with a footballer and the crap he’s had to endure from his hometown is enough to make me see that just like Duncan does. Plus, were it not for the B man, Fergus and John would never meet and fall in love. (Is it weird that I kinda miss Fergus right now? Not in PO, but in general. *sigh*) Characters overcoming anxiety/fears/mental roadblocks are the most heroic in my book. By faaar. <3 Margaery: This is a hard one, because I feel like I experienced much more of the novella through Brodie’s eyes than through Duncan’s. I do believe that Duncan believes Brodie’s amazing, though, and in terms of a romantic connection, and the things that belief inspires Brodie to do, it absolutely worked for me. Brienne: This is a problem for me. I see that Duncan is attracted to the opposite-ness of Brodie, to the delicate-ness of him, and the vulnerability of him. I suspect he’s charged by the idea of being Brodie’s first, and I appreciate that he’s willing to protect Brodie under those circumstances. But those properties don’t make Brodie “amazing.” I love the final scene, where we see Brodie harness his beliefs in a physical confrontation. Whatever solutions you craft to make Brodie more amazing early on can’t undermine that excellent final scene. Brienne then suggested some amazing things Brodie could do, some of which could have been their own spinoff story! I came up with my own idea, having him counsel and comfort his ex-boyfriend, Geoffrey, to keep focus on Brodie’s emotional growth.