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Issue 922 - Weekly Friday 28th November 1997 Students’ Union to bring in consultants

Union to benefit from shake-up, but debate over detail goes on...

The Students Union Executive last week decided to press ahead with plans to hire consultants to carry out a wide-ranging review of the services offered to students by the Union. The report is to include ‘customer’ sur- veys to look for demand for new services, as well as an analysis of the existing ones. Union President Nevin ‘Bob’ Moledina yesterday told Bare Facts that the plan was needed ‘to get a clear and objective assessment of our strengths and weaknesses, and start planning for the long term’. The plan came in for criticism from Union Returning Officer Andy Gale, who speaks out on page 3. .. orities? This is your chance to make a differ- Wendy Bowater ence! Mark Stuart The consultants will be ‘guided’ by a Nevin ‘Bob’ Moledina steering committee consisting of seven stu- dents and key Union staff. They will be over- tudent Unions all over the country are seeing the whole procedure so as to make sure increasing and improving the services the consultancy firm is doing it right! Board-X ‘97 Outdoors, the 50m, real snow quarter pipe Sthey offer. Our Union wants to do the was built back to back with a huge skate half same, so we are looking at a strategic overview The main objectives of the review to improve Andy Haigh, Gareth Getvoldsen pipe. Riders with both wheels and edges put of the Union for the next few years and beyond. our Union are: on regular demonstrations throughout the Due to the demands already placed on To establish a set of indicators against which he only National public Snowboard day. The main snowboarding comp was a Union staff and Sabbaticals, a team of consul- the Students’ Union can measure its own per- Exhibition, Board-X, promised to be flood-light spectacular with the boarders tants have been asked to produce a report formance. Tthe most unique winter sport’s event pulling off some serious aerial manoeuvres detailing the current strengths and weaknesses To investigate into the commercial and non- in the UK, and it certainly was for us. for the crowd, apart from one lame bloke of the Union and how it can improve over the commercial services provided for students As we are both keen boarders, being offered who thought it would be more impressive to next two years. We need to know where we are Look into the demands for other services tickets to this prestigious event was slightly fly off the ramp sideways and land in the not meeting the demands of the students. So, Development of the Students’ Union for the more tempting than a day full of lecture’s photographers. for example, do you want the Simpsons shown future. (sorry Dr. Povey!) and so after a bit of con- The one major thing that could put a begin- for 24 hours constantly in the Union? Do you Establishing a plan of development for the next fusion about how to get to a big bit of green ner of the sport is the price. 600 quid for a want better accessibility for disabled students? two years and suggesting ways of continuous in the middle of London we eventually made board and bindings then another 500 on top Do you think we should have more improvement and review. it, and got our access all area’s press passes. of that for clothing is a lot of money to be Sabbaticals? Do you want deck chairs instead This work will be carried out in four Running over the weekend of the 14/15/16, forking out before you even start thinking of benches? Do you think we need better parts. The first two, consisting of evaluating this second snow and skate festy brought about getting on the snow. But for all you Welfare provisions? Does the ventilation sys- current services and market research, will be together the best in equipment, travel and adrenalin junkies out there this sport is a tem need improving? Do you think we need completed before Christmas. Students will be fashion for on and off the piste, along with must, and from the first time you start carv- more vending machines? Do you want the needed for focus groups and in-depth inter- some of the best freestlye boarders from ing up the powder you will be hooked. But Union to be redecorated? Do you want more views - which will be on Thurs/Fri of week 14 around the world. this show was all about how you could get a free bands during the week? Do the entrance for one hour, the students involved being paid The basis of the show was for information. cheap deal, to get you out on the slopes with prices to gigs (including the balls) need to be £15 (and that’s your Christmas Ball paid for). Not only to give those already hooked on the the big boys. reconsidered? Can we ensure better represen- This will help to identify some of the demands sport a chance to see whats new, but also to So with blag bag bulging with freebies, its tation and services for part-time, post-graduate not yet met by the Union. So as to get a cross give those who are thinking about starting back to dreaming of carving the powder on and oversees students? There is so much that section of the University population we need this amazing sport, a chance to come and see the slopes of Andora. - Hagfish & Barbie Boy could be improved upon, but what are the pri- Continued on page 3, col 1 what all the fuss is about. News 1 n Features 3 n Letters 4 n Music 6 n Entertainments Guide 7 . Cinema and Arts 8 n Union News 9 n Notices & Personals 9 n Sports 11 . ED971128Issue 922.qxd 07/05/98 16:12 Page 2 (1,1)

2 News Friday 28th November 1997 n Unplugged - the answer to exam stress? The news in brief he Next unplugged appearing at Unplugged on Strong’, Labi’s performance Students beaten up near Campus will be Tuesday 2 Tuesday 16th December, will be a terrific finale to an December, week 13, week 15, in the Helyn Rose excellent first semester for T wo students were attacked as they left Tony Watling, Chief Security Officer, said yes- featuring Munkydu, one of Bar. To quote from the press Unplugged. the most promising new following his performance at Next semester, Unplugged campus after last week’s Friday Night terday that local police were investigating the bands from around London the Edinburgh Fringe hopes to bring you more TOut. They were approaching the A3 incident. He advised students to take extra care and the South playing their Festival, ‘Compassionate, great acts including Jacobs railway underpass by the edge of carpark 1 when out in the early hours of the morning. own brand of funky pop. yes. Passionate, yes. Tale, Dr Judge, and don’t when they were apparently set upon by youths. - Matt Pannell Munkydu plus support will Romantic, yes. Gentle...No! forget the end-of-term talent be live in the Helyn Rose If you haven’t seen Labi contest. Details of this and Bar from 8pm - don’t miss Siffre ‘live’ in the past five much more to follow, but if More misery for Conservatives out. years, you’ve missed one of you fancy seeing yourself Following his recent nation- the very best. playing on the Union main onservative leader William Hague pro- victory. Last week, the Liberals won again, wide tour ‘A Day in the The evening promises much. stage, you’d best start prac- voked a row within his party on Friday this time with a majority of 21,556. Mr Knife’, Labi Siffre, singerm Known internationally for tising! Cafter he sacked Peter Temple Morris, a Malone admitted that the result was “slightly songwriter, musician, poet the award-winning song pro-European MP, for his failure to support more certain than in May.” Also on Friday, and playwright will be ‘(Something Inside) So -Tom Sherwen Tory policy. Michael Hestletine called the Piers Merchant, the former Tory MP who move “unwise and unnecessary”. On the same resigned after his affair with an 18-year-old day, the Conservatives lost a by-election in nightclub hostess, faced up to criticism for the NUS Conference 1998 - it could be you Winchester. The Liberal Democrats had won damage his behaviour had done to the Party’s the seat in May at the General Election, with a image. “I’ve made my bed and I’m having to o you know what NUS stands for, or cation. This year Surrey can send a delega- majority of just two. The Conservative candi- lie in it” he said, acknowledging that he had what it does for you? tioon of 6 students. Nomination forms will date, Gerry Malone, had been lobbying for a used an “inappropriate metaphor” in the cir- D be available from week 15 of this semester in re-run of the election ever since, as he said the cumstances. - Matt Pannell The National Union of Students is a repre- the Students’ Union. majority was too narrow to constitute a clear sentative body for students in further and If you are interested in finding out more higher education today. As well as organis- about the NUS, or standing for election as a ing the more obvious things such as dis- delegate in 1998, come along to the Grant New plans for Computing Services counts with the shops, the NUS ensures the Mitchell room, Wednesday week 13 at 7pm. students voice is heard. Every year, the If you will be attending, please drop a note he Vice Chancellor this week presented to consider the details of the new organisation. National Union of Students holds its Annual into the external affairs pigeon hole be plans for sweeping changes to be made The Students’ Union has already submitted its Conference in Blackpool during the first Monday week 13. The meeting will last to the organisation of the University’s own suggestions, underlining the need for week of Easter vacation. At this conference about an hour, to give you a chance to talk to T IT structure. University Computing Services more computer terminals to meet the constant- the policy of NUS is democratically decided Wessex Area convenors, drink some beer, (UCS) and Management Information Systems ly increasing demand among students. In a let- by student representatives. It lasts for 3 days and take a break from your busy revision (MIS) are to be merged, with the current Dean ter to Bare Facts this week, the Deputy with expenses and accomodation paid, and schedule. See you there. of Information Services placed in charge. An Director of UCS announced the purchase of at evening events laid on for students attending ‘Implementation Group’ has been established least 40 new machines. - Matt Pannell the conference. Delegates vote on issues -Wendy France affecting students in higher and further edu- External Affairs Officer Vice Chancellors clash with Labour

niversity Vice Chancellors, unhappy ‘top-up’ fees on a voluntary basis. But if they with the proportion of tuition fees rev- do, there will be the full clout of regulation.’ Uenue being offered to them by the In the face of this threat, the Committee of Government, are continuing with their threat Vice-Chancellors and Principals issued a to charge top-up fees. These fees would be statement saying ‘we don’t see how they can charged by individual Universities, and would legislate against ‘top-up’ fees, because come on top of the proposed £1000 per-year Universities already charge fees for all sorts of flat fee proposed by the Government. Labour things.’ told the Financial Times on Monday that ‘we - Matt Pannell trust that universities will decide not to charge University Applications Falling: proof of a Tuition Fees Disaster?

Figures have been leaked showing a dramatic from individual institutions to prove this point fall in university applications. The National - and figures from individual institutions may Union of Students President, Douglas Trainer, be even more dramatic than the leaked figures. told the BBC that these figures were evidence However, this information is hard to come by, of the negative effect of tuition fees on access. as admissions officers have become eerily The Secretary of State for Education, David silent on the issue. University staff here at Blunkett, was forced to respond that many Surrey say that they have no figures available would-be students are indeed concerned. The yet as they have not come from UCAS. It is Government continues to stress its commit- hoped that figures will be found at the end of ment to education but NUS believes the fall this month. NUS plans to collect figures from will affect many of the non-traditional student Universities and release them this week. groups who should have been encouraged into - John Dear Higher Education. NUS needs figures on applications to date

Police: you can’t teach an old dog new trips

urrey Police this week issued a warning passed their use-by date. A spokeswoman said after drugs were stolen from a veter- “It is imperiative that anyone in posession of Sinery surgery in Horsham over the these drugs does not consume them. They weekend. The drugs, which included strong were intended for the treatment of animals”. sedatives, were taken from a locked cabinet, -Matt Pannell where they were awaiting disposal as they had ED971128Issue 922.qxd 07/05/98 16:12 Page 3 (1,1)

n Friday 28th November 1997 Features 3

...continued from page 1 volunteers in the following groups: Part Counterpoint: proposed Union time/full time undergrads and postgrads, Disabled students with mobility difficulties, Overseas and exchange students, Ethnic minority students. Review is flawed - it’s time to The third part consists of more detailed (quantitative) market research. It will start at the beginning of the next semester, which means we will need to find 800 students reconsider the plan from a cross section of the University to take part - so as to get an idea of what YOU think of the services offered by your Union. To help fact that the “long-term plan” that the con- anything better than a group of Surrey stu- us achieve this we will need 50 students to Andy Gale sultants have been charged to come up with dents could. After all, students have a good could more accurately be called a “two-year idea what students need, and aren’t incapable carry out interviews. As an incentive you will However well run the Union may seem, plan”. Not so long-term after all! What hap- of being objective. be paid £5 to attend the training session and £3 there is no denying the fact that its plans have pens after two years? Do we get in another A conveniently ignored fact is that per interview conducted. It will also be good short half-lives, and that Union officials have batch of consultants at a bargain-basement- employing consultants at this particular experience and look good on your CV! If you difficulty seeing beyond the tips of their plus-inflation price, or is the idea that, in moment in time will give us duff answers want to apply for the focus groups/in-depth noses. In English: we haven’t had much in those two years, the Union will have been and be like pouring money down the drain. interviews, forms will be available from the way of long-term planning. transformed into a lean, mean, management Why? Because next year’s students will have Reception, General Office or Communications On the surface, getting some long- machine? Last year, Sharon Baker (who was to fork out a hefty one thousand pounds for Office. They can be handed back into recep- nosed consultants in to do a bit of unbiassed our president for two years) proposed that the the pleasure of being at Surrey, and you can’t tion as soon as you have completed them. Its observation sounds like a great idea. They Union should form a working group to come realistically expect market research into what your Union so your input is wanted. Those will hand us a hefty tome of data and opin- up with a five-year plan, and to devise a this year’s students want to be a good indica- who will not be needed for the focus groups or ions on which we can base our plans for the method for regular review of that plan. Such tor as to what next year’s students want. in-depth discussions will be considered for the future. Not only that, but they give us a bar- a scheme would allowed students to devise a There are several things which interviewing positions. gaining chip (albeit an expensive one) when policy which would more easily encompass could do with being thought through more Part four consists of the production of we plea to Senate for a few quid more. All in non-commercial activities, and would have carefully before jumping headfirst into a a development plan which will provide a all, it sounds fab. resulted in a policy which isn’t useless after consultancy process. Maybe all these prob- framework within which the Students’ Union But what do you get once you two years. And at much lower cost! Another lems could be ironed out. Maybe we should can make more informed decisions regarding scratch that surface? There are a number of point that has me shuffling uneasily in my have been given more of a chance to discuss the continuous improvements of your Union. nagging details which seem to suggest that, chair relates to the Union’s non-commercial the idea, and with a wider group of students This will conclude the review. Parts three and perhaps, the proposal to get in consultants activities. By that, I mean activities like than just the Union hacks. It seems strange four will be carried out on the basis of the has been rushed through with not quite sports, welfare services, and support for soci- how we can use the Student Council to dis- results of the first two parts which will be pre- enough thought. The most obvious worry, eties. It is easy to see how a consultants cuss whether to boycott a nightclub, or sented to the Student Council in week 15. and by no means an insignificant one, is the report can advise on commercial activities. whether societies should be charged ten This is a large project set to continue cost. No-one expects consultants to be cheap Do you say: “If you lose more than three-nil pence for failing to take down posters - but well into the next semester, and as mentioned (and the consultants chosen are of the bar- away to Kingston then get a new sports offi- not whether we should spend such a vast sum we need your help and support. If you would gain basement type) but eighteen thousand cer,” or worse still: “If there are more than on something that affects us quite consider- like further information about any part of the pounds is a lot of money for the Union and three suicides per semester then get another ably! review or concerning the recruitment of volun- Union Club to stump up. If you are thinking welfare employee”? Certainly it is the job of Yes, we should look to the future, teers for the focus group or to take interviews, of spending that sort of money, then you consultants to devise ways of measuring per- but do we need to spend eighteen fat ones on please email one of the Sabbs - including Bob want to be damned sure that you are going to formance, but I have serious doubts as to it? All those clubs and societies that have had ([email protected])- or Mark (ec61ms) and get something useful at the end of it. whether after a few days chatting and inter- their budget for this year trimmed to the bone Wendy (bs61wb) who will be members of the Which brings us to a second concern - the steering committee for the review. rogating they will be able to come up with may think otherwise! ED971128Issue 922.qxd 07/05/98 16:12 Page 4 (1,1)

4 Letters/Editorial Friday 28th November 1997 n Letters

Wrong type of leaves drive safely out of the parking bay Computers: good news service. for the first few weeks of the this evening as the wheels were In addition to the PCs, UCS is in the Autumn semester the network print- Dear Editor completely embedded. Dear Editor, process of purchasing eight network ing service was free. The reason for Who was responsible for this? Was computers which will be placed in this was that the underlying system I am very well aware of the poten- it our ever present security men who Lab5 alongside the existing X ter- controlling the service was not as tial problems associated with wet, appear to have nothing better to do Three significant developments to minals. The 20 machines in this stable as we would have wished. fallen leaves on the roads and car with their time with the possible improve the computing service room will then deliver both an X Changes introduced by UCS staff parks at this time of year. However, exception of clamping every car in offered by UCS are planned shortly service and a Windows NT service have resulted in a much more stable I am sure you will appreciate my view? Or was it the groundsmem? or are in the process of being imple- via NTrigue. system and, as a consequence, disgust and despair at finding my Whoever it was, do I stand any mented. They may be summarised Currently the UCS Service Desk, charging was re-introduced on car covered in leaves and dirt along chance of being reimbursed for the as: additional facilities; extended providing assistance to users of the Monday 10 November. The service the offside wings and windows - car wash my car required before cover; and improved network print- open access computing facilities in is currently running with one high- obviously put there by the broom or travelling to a family funeral on ing. Austin Pearce, operates only during throughput laser printer capable of motorised sweeper that had swept Wednesday? UCS is very aware that one of the normal working hours. UCS is producing 1200 pages a hour; usage the leaves in Car Park 1 into a foot major criticisms from students since employing students to provide addi- actually peaks at about 300 pages a high pile along the side and around Margaret Scott-Pearson the beginning of the semester has tional cover during lunchtimes, in hour. A second, similar laser print- the front of my car, necessitating been the lack of PC/Mac facilities the evenings and at weekends. In er will be introduced to provide their removal by me in order to during the day when the labs are in addition to the obvious benefit of resilience in the very near future. use for teaching. To help alleviate extending cover hours we hope the If you wish to know more about any What your Union is the situation for the Spring semes- assistants will be able to provide us of the facilities mentioned above, ter, the University has agreed to the with feedback on the service from a then please contact either myself or doing to try and make purchase of an additional 40 PCs student perspective. It is intended Philip Garbutt, Service Desk man- which are about to be installed. that they will wear distinctive ager. things better for Twenty will be placed into Lab1 to badges to make them easily recog- Mrs Valerie Harmer complement the existing machines nisable. Deputy Director, UCS students in that lab and 20 will be placed in Users of the service will know that Lab4 which will bring this lab into

J Looking at ideas for an Melodius (poetry) Was it good for you? due to them if they enjoy it, but not normally like to gyrate my awards evening (Saturday week J Printing the first issue of the that’s really not my bag. pelvis to, and I think that if people 14) EIHMS students’ newsletter Dear Editor, The first thing that struck me was do want to have THAT type of J Arranging for attack alarms to J Booking more jazz acts for the disappointingly small numbers Shag, they should do it away from be sold from the Union front desk Chancellors in participance. I don’t know about us non-corrupted people. We want I would like to draw attention to my J Ordering decorations for the J Revising the door policy you, but I like to Shag with as many straight Shags, and if we are not disappointment concerning the end-of-term Christmas bash J Arranging for an OFU people as possible, so I was already going to get them, we want plenty quality of Shag that was available J Dealing with the conseques- Christmas film to be shown in the prepared to be less than wholly sat- of warning. I was disgusted that I nces of the Bo’s boycott (ie finding Helyn Rose Bar to me and a number of partners on isfied. However, I reminded myself was CONNED into attending that Saturday evening. I entered the a DJ for Saturday) J Almost getting a ‘yes’ to host- that a good Shag with the right peo- particular type of activity, and I Union with high expectations of a J Semester II planning ing the annual BUSA (sports) con- ple can be equally exciting as a withdrew immediately. satisfying night - past Shags have J Setting up 3 new societies: ference Shag with all and sundry. I believe that the Union should been very enjoyable experiences - Iranian, Ibero-American, & I sat down with some friends for WAKE UP and consider its adver- but was well aware that the UOS small talk, and a dose of lubrication tising policy. I shall be informing Biker Soc leave their bikes behind... ‘Club’ were in the Lower Bar. I (I like to have a bit of courage when my MP if this gross deception hap- knew that my somewhat conserva- I am likely to be the first onto the pens again, and probably that bloke n Saturday 19 members of many stalls pushing helmets and tive tastes would be catered for in floor). I must say it was a good job who appears in the Ministry of Biker Soc left their bikes at (normal) leather jackets and jeans. the main arena so I had no intention I did - I realised too late that the Sound adverts, as he’s tops. Ohome, and travelled up to BMW had a very trendy stage show of venturing ‘down below’! I’ve type of Shag being offered was Birmingham by car and minibus to with dancers clad in motorcycle never really been into that type of NOT of the standard that I had Daniel Stephens visit the International Motorcycle leathers leaping around the stage thing, and prefer to Shag along with anticipated. I was appalled to Jake Conway Show. with machine guns (fakes I think!). the majority of people upstairs. Fair realise it was the type of music I do At the unheard of, unreasonable I wonder at the fortitude of the time of 8 am the nineteen assembled dancers, I was too hot waking outside Senate House. Some (Chris) around with a leather jacket on, The poetry corner looked a little the worse for wear never mind dancing! It seemed to and looked more suited to a trip in a draw a large crowd though. There Universal Thrust hearse than a minibus. At Wisley were also several bike simulators. I services fuel for the bus and fuel for don’t know what they were like as I the occupants was purchased and felt long queues and a £3 entry fee Times are heavy, She denied screaming the journey was on. It wasn’t long to be bounced around in hydrauli- “beware”, the sun keeps & enclosed w/in the lie’s motion before people were wishing they cally controlled machinery was too warning us. fell asleep, turned the sea-lights had brought their bikes. Cramped much, and anyway I would be get- Yet, the pitchforks are raised, off. minibuses and traffic conspired to ting a similar experience on the way brandished w/ hunger. Sighed me away. foster the general wish for two home in the minibus! The jeweled hay of limits wheeled transportation. Five hours after entering the NEC obscured stretching out its claws Piety libations. Laugh hunt. A ‘comfort’ stop on the M40 and a the weary bikers met by the Ducati towards mankind. I adore you, brief stop to pick up Chair Anna’s stand to start their journey home, healthy velvet declining as light brother near the NEC meant a long knowing that there was, what A satisfaction fiend. to the word “touch”. journey, but it was worth it. The seemed like, a five mile hike back to Medicine for fools. variety of bikes on display meant the minibus. Certain, less responsi- Ship of fools. Days, horrible currency, that all, whatever their motorcy- ble individuals, elected to make I’m ready, prepared for the dry patina giving in, cling tastes, were catered for. There their walk even more difficult by perfection. wet maze. were ‘plastic crotch rockets’, ‘inter- walking the wrong way along the A door into long deserts, continental cruisers’, ‘muscle travellators. lukewarm slitting breeze, Arch-angel, shape of vermins bikes’, ‘customs’, ‘has beens’ (like The day was enjoyable, but long the stone’s caress. descending lustful upon holes, me!), and just the plain ‘weird’. and tiring. The opportunity to see lips scorched, ashes into Anna achieved her dream (and the latest machinery, clothing and Hellish. wombs, coasts. probably sexual satisfaction) by sit- gadgets was not to be missed. Morituri te salutant, Caesar ting on a Yamaha Vmax (muscle- Thanks must go to Anna and Mark Joyce, Praise boredom, if anything. bike). In addition several hundred for organising the trip. last try, parable failure, stallholders tried their very best to Biker Soc can be contacted via: trodden, knife-blade, blow me, Rafael part people from their money ce51am or by visiting us at 7.30 horrible currency. Martin Calvo (sometimes succeeding!). Stalls p.m. on a Tuesday night in ranged from a purveyor of intimate Chancellors. Melodius - ‘relax with the poets’ - Wednesdays, Wates House, 3pm leather apparel(!) to the RAC, with ED971128Issue 922.qxd 07/05/98 16:13 Page 5 (1,1)

n Friday 28th November 1997 Features 5 Community Action... Getting a Job with

or a number of years, the Community n Working with b people with Action Group at this University has not learning difficulties Fbeen running. It is now being re- n Youth clubs Dr Russ launched and enthusiastic volunteers are need- n Administration ed. n Special Needs We need a team of people who are willing to n Publicity spare a few hours a week to be on the n Befriending Schemes Dear Russ higher class of degree , then you might prefer Community Action committee. This group n Fund-raising to put your job-hunting activities on hold for will oversee the development of the n Drug/Alcohol Projects I’m worried that exams are looming and I the time being. By the way, nearly 30% of Community Action Group and plan various n One-off Youth Projects still haven’t filled out all the application our graduates in 1996 obtained their work by events. We also want to see lots of students replying to advertisements. Since these are getting involved in the various projects which So if you want to meet new people, learn new forms which I intended to. What should I do? more likely to be available nearer to the time are taking place in our local community. If skills, improve your CV, enhance your person- you graduate, you could decide to put off you want to help out for a minimum of an hour al development and get involved with your Dear Andrew applying till then, secure in the knowledge a week then there are many opportunities: local community, then contact Jo Austin ~ that there should still be plenty of jobs around Community Action Chairperson ~ on ext. 3177 This is one of those questions for which there at that time. n Projects with the Elderly or come up to Rm. 15, floor 5 of Senate is no right or wrong answer. There are all The final issue I would draw your attention to n Art Therapy House. sorts of personal issues involved. For exam- is the fact that people tend to have different n Working with Children ple, how important is it that you have a defi- time-management skills. If you are someone nite job offer before you leave? It goes with- who is good at getting on with things through out saying that the more applications you careful prioritisation and a well organised Getting Ready for make, the more you increase your chances of lifestyle, then you might be able to squeeze a finding a job. I must add, though, that it is few more forms out of your busy schedule. If mainly the major graduate recruiters who you are at the other end of the spectrum you have set early closing dates for receipt of could have problems! Elections application forms and they are also the ones Dr Russ Clark who are the most difficult to get into. Simply Head of Careers Service nce upon a time there was a rabbit “Sooo nice to see you!” smarmed the sly making lots of applications doesn’t, unfortu- called Billy. Billy was a clever bunny Freddy Fox. “But you rabbits aren’t welcome nately, guarantee you a job at the end of it. PS: If you do want to press on with your job- Ostudying for a BVeg in Hutch in The Warren anymore!” and with that he Only you can decide whether you want to hunting right now, don’t forget that you can Engineering at Brambly Hedge University. snapped the bunnies up, and swallowed them make the extra effort required to meet their keep up to date with the latest vacancy posi- It was Friday Night, and after gelling their tails down whole. deadlines and keep alive your chances of tion by browsing the Careers Service web into the latest style, Billy and his friends, You see Freddy had been elected Warren employment with them. pages at http://www.mis.surrey.ac.uk/mis- Fluff, Twitch, and Bobtail, set off for The President, but neither Billy nor any of the The next issue has to do with your anticipat- web/careers/home.htm Warren. Brambly Hedge bunnies had bothered to vote ed degree class. For example, are you on a The Warren was a great place. Billy liked it in the ballot, and boy did they wish they had borderline at the moment, e.g. First / 2.1, or because all his friends were there and he could now! 2.1 / 2.2? If you are, and you think that rabbit to them all evening. Fluff liked it The moral of the story is: don’t be a sorry spending too much time on application forms because he was a bit of a doe’s buck, and - if bunny, be a happy bunny, and make sure you will interfere with your chances of getting a he played his cards right - he could be at it like have your say in who runs the Union - elec- students all night. Twitch just liked to go and tions are early next semester. lollop his funky stuff on the dancefloor, whilst If you fancy following in Freddy’s footsteps Bobtail would spend all night drinking then the next two editions of Hare Facts will Bugsweiser, and then chuck his guts up all tell you all you need to know about what over the road on the way home. Funny how it Union posts you can stand for, and how to always looks like you’ve been eating car- throw your hat into the ring. On Friday of rots...... week 13 we will be giving you a chance to But things were not quite right this Friday. meet current and previous sabbaticals to find “What’s this?”, said Bobtail, “this isn’t out exactly what their job involves, and to try Bugsweiser - this tastes like Fox’s Finest”. and give you a general idea of what it’s like to Then Fluff went on the prowl, but he couldn’t be a sabbatical. Meet us in the Grant Mitchell find any foxy does. “They’re certainly foxy,” room at 6pm if you are interested. he said, “but they’re not foxy does. They’re Until then, happy burrowing! foxy foxes”. “Foxes? FOXES?” yelped Billy, and he Andy Gale, Rob Dorey drummed his feet on the floor. But it was too The Returning Officers late - they were surrounded. ED971128Issue 922.qxd 07/05/98 16:13 Page 6 (1,1)

6 Music Friday 28th November 1997 n

LOWER - Life So Slow (Coalition) LBUM F HE EEK This single is taken from their forthcoming A O T W debut album, ‘The Gentle Art Of THE JAM - The Very Best Of SINGLES ALBUMS (Polydor) Conditioning’. It shows the band’s innova- tion by blending the acceptable face of prog HURRICAINE - Severe Damage (Wiiija) So here are The Jam’s 16 UK sin- SINGLE OF THE WEEK and rock with bizarre sampling experiences. Hurricaine, previously of Beastie Boys is gles (three double A-sides) and two import singles that charted between MACHINE HEAD - Take My Scars And therefore, giving a nice blend of unique pressing out on his own, exploring the ele- and enjoyable music. 8/10 K.M ments of G-Funk and kicking it Snoop-style, ‘77 and ‘82. Simply magnificent (RoadRunner) punk edged pop, the highlights of Just as the most metal bands seem to be with the chilled out vibe of this new album. THE YOUNG OFFENDERS - That’s The track titles suggests “Gangsta Rap”, but which are ‘Start’ and ‘The Bitterest crossing over with other styles, we can Pill’. Songs like ‘Going trust Machine Head to give us REAL Why We Lose Control (Columbia) appearances can be deceptive. This is along Punk pop is the order of the day from this the lines of Dre and almost as chilled as Underground, and ‘Down In The metal. Robb Flynn’s riffs pound your head Tube Station At Midnight’ amde like a ten ton hammer, and Logan’s soloing recently signed four piece. “Television land Warren G. ‘East West South’ is the first doesn’t understand, that’s why we lose con- track, with ‘Severe Damage’ an extended them the most popular band in the is as good as ever. Picking up from where land, with Weller voicing his dis- “Burn My Eyes” left us, Machine Head trol..”, yaps the singer while his mates bash sample explaining a major incident. This out half a Symposium riff. At the moment takes you on a phat vibe, and comes com- content through music as Thatcher continue to show us what metal is. 10/10 destroyed our nation, if only he had T.O’D. young bands are very much in fashion. The plete with its own rumbly bass-line, to Young Offenders have promise but they entice the body-winding. A definite head- such passion in the late ninties. BETH ORTON - Best Bit E.P. (Heavenly) must develop before the fashion moves on. nodder comes in the form of ‘9mm’s & When I was young I loved The Jam If you don’t own her previous album, the 7/10 A.T. Techs’, which blasts through the speakers and was devastated when they mercury prize nominated ‘Trailer Park’ then and explains the situation “downtown”. This broke up. The first band I really you only have yourself to blame as it’s a SPARKS VS. FAITH NO MORE - This is similar to a lot of rap nowadays, and the cared about I guess. 9/10 R.W. classic. Hopefully this e.p. of new record- Town Ain’t Big Enough For Both Of Us references to weaponry and drugs are there ings will be her breakthrough to a larger (RoadRunner) for those that know the lingo. It covers the ferent variations of Neighborhood can you almost like the original or remixed so much audience who deserve to be in on this, as Steroid enhanced version of Sparks seven- typical rap storyline, but maintains its own have? - This album has three. The unre- that any resemblance to the original has even though its a progression on the same ties hit, with added menace form Faith No new vibe throughout. Hurricaine is a good leased tracks are much more like their origi- been filed away under “long gone”. David theme, it is still effortlessly cool, amazingly More. A worthwhile and interesting remake. MC, and rhymes well. I’m looking forward nal work, ‘Children Of The Night’ and Arnold has done a good job but a little more wonderful. 9/10 N.W. 7/10 R.W. to seeing more from this man in the future. ‘Influenza’ are reminiscent of the tracks on commercialism wouldn’t have gone amiss. Check it out, you might be surprised. 8/10 ‘Spiders’, but not quite as good. I loved (now, how often has that been said?). 5/10 NAOMI - M.B. ‘Spiders’ and I’m sure their new album will F.F. Personal be brilliant too; but for this only 5/10 G.D. SMASH MOUTH - Fush Yu Mang Touch (Gut) V/A - Mealtime (Hut) Erratic, raw and the cutting edge of techno. V/A - Best Of British Happy Hardcore (Interscope) I’d heard a (Hectic) Debut album from these Californians who lot of good Music sometimes strains the definition of Drum’n’Bass. The Album is solid all This double album includes one CD of 12 mix ska, hard rock and punk. Bar the recent things about round...but has no meaty substance that can unmixed, full-length versions of happy single, the sixties sounding, ‘Walking On Naomi, but I be bitten into... if you know what I mean. hardcore anthems, and a second mixed by The Sun’ and ‘Nervous In The Alley’ there did not Favourite beats include ‘Jega’ by DMC and DJs Sy and Unknown. The first features is nothing of real interest on the album. expect any- ‘Elton Fastbrook’ by Switch Hardflip. 7/10 tunes like ‘Pretty Green Eyes’ by Force and Every song is too samey, the shouty vocals thing quite I.U. Styles and ‘Touch The Sky’ by DJ Dougal, get to be annoying after a while. Probably this good. which didn’t really do much for the raver be good fun live. 4/10 R.W. DEFTONES - Around The Fur (Maverick) within me. The second CD is mixed, and Sy KAVA KAVA - Supalube (Delerium) Imagine The latest hyped band in the new wave of starts off with some pretty good scratching. Kava Kava, not a household name by any- Janis Joplin metal, basically the same as the old metal Unfortunately, we hear Sy’s scratching all one’s standards offer an ultra slick mix of or PJ Harvey but with downtuned guitars, more shouting the way through and it doesn’t do much for funky jazz, techno and trip-hop which is fronting and less dragons. Admittedly, the Deftones the tunes. The second mix is Sy at his best, reflected in various songs to sleep to, to Beck’s band. are full of energy but the songs are lacking but, alas, the tune selection is dull and unin- dance to or to do whatever to. The album is in the true sense, only the riffs grab your spirational. Most of them have been heard Naomi is cer- the result of over two years labouring and attention. I expected more. 6/10 R.W. before with little new stuff to make the tainly a great this time must surely be a result of a Stone album worth buying. Unfortunately it’s all new talent, THE WILLIAMS FAIREY BRASS Roses-esque speed of work and not in infus- very cheesy as well, and that didn’t help. expect big BAND - Acid Brass (Blast First) ing any excitement or feeling into the It’s the sort of album I’d expect from the Once, on a warm and drunken summer’s record. There are the smooth grooves to things next Fusion camp, knowing their lust for cheesi- evening, two men casually joked about an help things glide along but ultimately this is year from ness, if you don’t have a hardcore album, idea of getting a traditional brass band to an effort that gets stuck in those very her. Brilliant. pick it up, but it’s really just the same as all play a selection of classic house and techno grooves - even when they attempt to add a 9/10 R.W. the others. 5/10 M.B. tracks. One of the men forgot about it, threw bit of rock. Kava Kava did apparently man- up, and crawled home. The other man was BOBBY BROWN - Forever (MCA) age to poison Neil and Matt of Suede as MONK AND CANATELLA - Who’s PEACH - On My Own (Mute) called Jeremy Deller, and on that night, After a dodgy start with ‘It’s Still My they reviewed their last single in Melody Who? (Cup Of Tea) The Pet Shop Boys and Dubstar meet in a in his clouded mind, Acid Brass was born. Thing’ and ‘Feeling Inside’, things pick up Maker. Let that be their moment of fame A strange dark band who are from Bristol cataclysmic bonding, not exactly an improb- Trying to decide whether or not this actually with ‘She’s All I Need’ and ‘My Place’. and forget about this. 3/10 D.J. works is somewhat difficult. There is no Both are decent slow jams in the Bobby but don’t sound like others from there such able concept, but sounds quite brash and NON – God & Beast (Mute) doubt that these are ingenious arrangements; Brown tradition. As for the remainder of the as Portishead, Massive Attack etc. They refreshing. Definitely a song to invade your The vocal, Boyd Rice has published several Derrick May track ‘Strings Of Life’ is spir- album, it’s pretty much leveled out. ‘Happy have decided to cram as many different brain space. 7/10 D.N. writings that deal with strange things like ited and strangely uplifting, ‘What Time Is Days’ picks up the tempo somewhat but the types of music into one song with dark black magic, Satan worship, psychosomatic FURRY THINGS - Frequent Lunacy Love’ from KLF is pure mature cheddar album soon falls into slow mode again. undertones and succeeded quite well. 9/10 pregnancy embraced by the vast numbers (Trance Syndicate) entertainment and ‘Cubik’ by 808 State is Notable cuts include the album title song, I.P. and the like. He says “In a Promethean A synthetic and uninspiring EP. The lead fantastic, a sinister and squelchy trumpet and the very slow ‘Sunday Afternoon’ sense, man is a God but on an even more U2 - If God Will Send His Angels (Island) track is too slow to dance to, too upbeat to sound if ever there was one. Sadly, most of which would be perfect for that day of the profound level, man is a beast. Somewhere U2 treat us with their fifth single from the be mellow and a distant eeriness that’s too the rest turns out at best ‘amusing’ and at week. ‘Heart and Soul’ brings it all to a out there exists, a place in the soul where multi-million selling ‘Pop’, which has comfortable. The other tracks are nicely worst plain monotonous. But it’s a concept close, leaving the listener wanting for more. God and beast intersect”. This CD seems spawned four top ten hits so far. This is choreographed dub offerings with lots of so brilliant in it’s stupidity and so full of While this is a more mature album from like a natural extension to the journalism of classic U2, a beautiful song which evokes unidentifiable sounds. Pleasant enough, but love and enthusiasm that it is definitely Bobby, it pales in comparison to his previ- the bizarre direction he gravitates on. My the same powerful emotions as ‘With Or average. 5/10 H.B. worthy, perhaps not as a work of brilliance ous efforts. Productionwise, it doesn’t deliv- honest opinion? It sounds like constipation, Without You’ ‘Stay’, ‘Love is Blindness’... but more as an interesting, bizarre, and er much and Bobby’s ad libs sound less HINDA HICKS - I Wanna Be Your Lady if constipation could be heard. Long and Will make it to the top of the charts for supremely unique attempt at boundary- enthusiastic. 5/10 P.A. (Island) painful stretched out periods of grinding sure. Excellent. 9/10 G.C. crossing. 6/10 A.M. This reminded me a bit of Louise, except DAVID ARNOLD - Shaken And Stirred your teeth, making those awful noises that Hinda Hicks voice has a lot more soul and PAUL WELLER - Mermaids (Island) PEGBOY - Cha Cha Da More (EastWest) seem to have great aesthetic bouncing off the music has a slight funk to it. OK if you This upbeat single by Paul Weller shows (Quarterstick) A collection of remixes which bring the the porcelain walls. Talk about a major like that sort of thing, but if not, don’t both- how he is still a brilliant solo artist. This Steve Albini at the helms of recording whole James Bond back catalog into the complex problem. This is also the sound er. 4/10 D.N. single is made even better by including the ensures a brazen, unoiled sound in keeping nineties. Anyone who has heard the current that your stomach makes after 12 chili bur- track ‘Everything Has A Price To Pay’, MEREDITH BROOKS - I Need (Capitol) with the overall Pegboy style. Seemingly single off this album ‘On Her Majesty’s ritos, 4 glasses of Metamusil and an Aaron which is one the ‘Face’ soundtrack. This is, This new single, taken from her top 10 aiming to be hailed as saviors of Punk Rock Secret Service’ which know what to expect. Spelling thriller. If noise is something your in my opinion, even better than ‘Mermaids’. album ‘Blurring The Edges’ is far from with this their fourth album, it is possibly The problem is, it isn’t. There is only one or takin’ in suitcase then indulge. But beware, If you like Paul Weller, go out and buy this original and in it Meredith Brooks attempts here that China Drum and Cecil have sought two like that on the album. The rest is either you just might wake up in Oz. 1/10 D.A. single - you won’t be disappointed. 8/10 a rapping debut... not a great success. The inspiration - assuming of course that they’ve G.D. same bad attitude shines from the vocals... ever heard of Pegboy. This is a very loud unfortunately the style is vaguely similar to record, perhaps the perfect soundtrack to SINEAD O’CONNOR - This Is A Rebel some of Alanis’s work, but of a lesser quali- disillusioned youth or any moment of anger. Song (Columbia) ty. 3/10 C.H. Inspirational moments include ‘You Fight My first impression of this is that it is a Like A Girl’ and ‘Liberace Hat Trick’, but very sort CD. It only has one song on it. DEL AMITRI - Some Other Suckers whilst this album may be ultimately reward- The song itself has some very Irish qualities Parade (A&M) ing with heartfelt meaning infused in every about it. The lyrics start off being rebellious The single is the title track of the bands lat- note, it can be hard work. 6/10 D.J. and then starts to talk about love. The song est album, and if this is anything to go by BENNETT - Street Vs. Science doesn’t sound at all rebellious unless you then its crap. This jazzed up country and (RoadRunner) listen to the lyrics. It sounds good anyway - western style may suit the fans but other- Second album from Bennett and somewhat all soft, gentle and gooey. 8/10 G.T. wise stay clear. 3/10 K.M. of an improvement on the first. Less reliant HOODWINK - More Millionaires (Mute) BABY BIRKIN - Melo Melo (Dishy) on quirky, nerdy lyrics, although they still Breakbeats and electronic tones make up A two track c.d. of French songs from the offend on this count - ‘I Like Rock’ being the bulk of this thumping dance tune. Cut 60’s written by Gainsbourg and Pierre the main example, and more on the music. up vocals and samples of saxophones are Bachelat. Vocalist Raechel Leigh sounds Some of the songs sound like Silver Sun, then scattered liberally over the three min- amazingly like Jane Birkin ( hence Baby ‘Hotshot’ in particular but that is no bad utes. It’s not startlingly original, and it Birkin), which means she sounds crap. The thing. A good album, but not really good won’t chart, but it’s still damn good while it songs don’t seem to develop, and get very enough. 5/10 R.W. lasts! 8/10 A.T. boring after the first minute. I wouldn’t rec- ommend this, unless you are a Jane Birkin SPACE-Invasion Of The Spiders (Gut) fan. 2/10 T.O’D. Previously only released in Japan, this dou- ble album comprises mixes of the best loved WINDSOR FOR THE DERBY - Minnie Greutzfeld (Trance Syndicate) Space tunes and new, unreleased tracks. Very hip “post-rock”, whatever that means. It’ll never chart and you wouldn’t ever hear it This weeks music bought to you by - Matthew Beal, Dean Arif, Unfortunately, most these dance mixes unless you actively seek out trance CDs, which I have to confess I don’t. To the uninitiated Daniel Jones, Gemma Decent, Ian Purvey, Ikaraam Ullah, Nick Walsh, aren’t particularly worth listening to. The ear like mine it’s a peculiar mix of sounds and noises. They are tracks, rather than songs Georgina Tarrant, Honey Butcher, Gabriel-Oliver Chamero, Denise Nicholson, originally brilliant ‘Female Of The Species’ and there’s little boundaries between them. It’s all rather discordant and distorted, with Al Mooney, Frank Fraulo, Paul Amani, Kevin Marston, Christian Hunter, pays no resemblance at all to this new mix. attenuated electronica and elongated guitars. It’s like an out there metronome. It’s not that Andrew Thomas, Thomas O’Dwyer, Rob Winder Likewise it has to be asked how many dif- accessible but it’s good to hear something different. 7/10 H.B. ED971128Issue 922.qxd 07/05/98 16:13 Page 7 (1,1)

n Friday 28th November 1997 n Entertainments Guide 7

GIG GUIDE

It is always advisable to confirm with the venue before travelling. The Interpreters - Aldershot West 20:30 Only Fools and Horses Friday & Saturday End Centre (01252 330040) 21:00 Shooting Stars Black Grape, Dust Junkys - Alien: The Resurrection (18) 21:30 The Fast Show London Kilburn National (0171 12:30, 13:45, 15:30, 16:30, 18:30, 22:00 Have I Got News For 625 4444) 19:15, 21:15, 22:00 You Mogwai, Hood - London ULU G.I. Jane (15) Jane Siberry - London Islington 13:40, 16:30, 19:20, 22:15 21:00 Friends Union Chapel (0171 226 3750) 28th 22:00 Frasier Face/Off (18)

Friday Skooby, The Bumble Puppy, 22:30 Rory Bremner 15:15, 18:30, 21:50 Confusing Jack - Reading 18:00/23:25 TFI Friday 7 Years in Tibet (PG) Alleycat (0118 956 1116) 13:45, 17:00, 20:15 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag (15) 20:05 Casualty 17:00, 20:00, 22:20 Capri - London Camden Monarch Nothing to Lose (15) (0171 916 1049 13:35, 19:10 22:35 FILM: An Interview Faith No More, Sparks - London The Full Monty (15) with the Vampire Brixton Academy (0171 264 1525) 03:55, 16:30, 19:45, 22:10 My Life Story, Imogen Heap - L.A. Confidential (18) Reading Alleycat (0118 956 1116) 14:50, 18:35, 19:40 29th 23:35 FILM: My Stepmother Shooting Fish (12) is an Alien 16:15, 21:30 Saturday Hercules (U) 12:30, 14:45 Free Willy 3: The Rescue (U) 22:00 The Lily Savage Show PICK Steve Earle - London 13:00 OF THE Shepherds Bush Empire A Simple Wish (U) 22:00 Jack Dee’s Sunday WEEK (0171 287 1331) 12:50 Service Counterfeit Stones - Guildford Sunday - Thursday

30th 22:00 FILM Planet of the Civic Hall (01483 444555) Apes Alien: The Resurrection (18) Sunday 12:45, 14:15, 15:25, 17:00, 18:00, 19:45, 20:40 G.I. Jane (15) 21:30 Hotel 14:30, 17:30, 20:30 23:30 Film 97 with Barry Norman Face/Off (18) Steve Earle - London Shephers 14:05, 17:05, 20:05 21:30 Never Mind the Bush Empire (0171 287 1331) 7 Years in Tibet (PG) Buzzcocks Embrace - London Astoria (0171 13:45, 17:00, 20:15 22:00 I’m Alan Partridge 434 9592) 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag (15) 22:00 Cracker Lightning Seeds - Portsmouth

1st 12:45, 15:15, 17:45, 20:20 23:05 Armstrong & Miller Guildhall (01705 834146) (No 12:45 or 15:15 show Sun) 21:00 The Sweeney Nothing to Lose (15) Monday 22:00 The Comedy Network 12:15, 18:15 The Full Monty (15) 21:30 One Foot in the Grave 13:30, 16:05, 18:30, 21:00 22:50 FILM: The Eagle has L.A. Confidential (18) Landed Echobelly, Bennet - Portsmouth 14:10, 17:10, 20:10 Pyramid Centre (01705 358608) Shooting Fish (12) 20:00 University Challenge 14:35, 20:40 (Not Wed, no 20:40 show Mon) 20:00 Deals on Wheels The Make Up, Lungleg, Comet 23:05 Rory Bremner Gain - London LA2 (0171 434 Hercules (U) 2nd 9592) 13:10, 15:40 21:00 FILM: Against All Free Willy 3: The Rescue (U)

Tuesday Odds 12:10 A Simple Wish (U) 12:15 21:30 Absolutely Fabulous Australian Pink Floyd - Guildford Civic Hall (01483 444555) 22:40 FILM: Against All Insane Clown Posse - London Odds LA2 (0171 434 9592) Mr T Experience, Speedurchin - London Garage (0171 607 1818)

3rd 22:00 FILM: Blue Juice Foil, Spud - London Camden Barfly (0171 482 4808) 21:00 FILM: The Deep Free Film at 9pm in the Helyn Rose Bar Wednesday 22:00 Animal Hospital Dreadzone - Reading Alleycat 20:30 Holiday Reps 21:30 Men Behaving Badly (0118 956 1116) Echobelly, Bennet - London 22:00 They Think it’s all Over Dante’s Peak Astoria (0171 434 9592) 20:30 Top Gear Sunday 5pm and 8pm The Fall, Foil - Portsmouth 21:00 Third Rock From the Monday 8pm Sun Wedgewood Rooms (01705 863911) 4th Michael Collins 22:40 FILM: Fortress The Hybirds - London Kings Wednesday 8pm 21:00 FILM: PCU Cross Water Rats (0171 837

Thursday 7269) LTG ED971128Issue 922.qxd 07/05/98 16:13 Page 8 (1,1)

8 Cinema and Arts Friday 28th November 1997 n SPLATCH!! OFU... OFU... OFU... Guildford Civic Hall, Saturday 6 December 1997 Is It Just Me, Or Is It Honey Butcher talks with Splatch organiser Barney Jeavons Getting Hot?

ou’re getting in Irish independence. warmer, warmer, This is an excellent Ywarmer, ...... and film which is made then all of a sudden you even more enjoyable realise that the nut telling by the knowledge that you that a volcano was it is loosely based about to blow was right. around the truth. So if OOPS !! Now it is time to you want to go along to run for your life which I the film tickets will be am sure must make for an 2 pounds and you interesting day. Okay so either buy your ticket this weeks film is Dante’s on the door or from the Peak it is all about a vol- Arts Office. This film BENNET cano which very inconsid- as usual will be shown n one of Guildford’s many car parks, deserted them from ‘Mum’s gone to Iceland’, or you may erately decides to erupt, in LTG at 8p.m. on and dark, in a small car with steamed up win- have caught them at one of the many festivals how annoying ? So Pierce Wednesday. Idows the local promoter chatters with his they played over the summer. They are damn Brosnan and Linda Hamilton get to play the usual animation. Barney Jeavons is enthusing fine musicians and can bang out a great slab of run for your lives bit and that’s when it starts to If anyone has any suggestions concerning the about the next Splatch gig to be held in the Civic pogo rock with the greatest of ease. They’ve had get interesting. showing of films, the films you would like to Hall. The Splatch gigs have been attracting a lot to replace the drummer so the new line up will see and even films you would like to see as of attention recently and the next one looks set to be interesting to compare and contrast to their So if you would like to see this special effects lateniters, then please put your ideas on paper continue the trend of having an audience a thou- earlier appearances. Jocasta are darlings of the film then, or you just want something to do for and leave them if the OFU pigeon hole in the sand strong. indie world, again caught at an interesting time. an evening. Then you can buy a ticket by going postroom. They’ve just finished one record deal and are Splatch!, he explains, was meant to be the sound about to start on the next. At Splatch they’ll have along to the postroom in the union, filling out a paint makes when itÕs slapped on paper, an to play the gig of their lives as those labels chas- ticket and the placing that ticket into the box. Finally if anyone would like to have a go at unweighted word without connotations and ing them are sending their little men along to Then simply go along to LTG pay your two learning to project films, contribute to selecting something a bit Batman-ish. It all came about watch, and hopefully approach. pounds and choose a seat of your liking. The next season’s films, or just fancies being several years ago when a “lucky break” let him film will be showing on Sunday at 5p.m. and involved in a fun society, then please come stage a version of Rock Explosion, SplatchÕs A few Sundays ago we should have able to see 8p.m. and again on Monday at 8p.m. along to our meeting on Tuesday at 6pm in predecessor. There were four bands with local Dustball in our own union, but due to a bit of LTH. All our welcome. connections and cheap tickets and it went sur- mishap / admin error / general cock up they did- This weeks fascinating Arts film is Michael prisingly well. It has continued to do surprisingly n’t quite make it, which was a shame because Collins, the story of an IRA activist who well, although Splatch and the promoter behind it they too are a damn fine band.. Think first years have come up against criticism. The most recent with talent and “subtle punk” tendancies, much becomes infamous in Irish history for his role Splatch, as noted by our own Bare Facts writers, loved by Radiohead. Daytona are the band that had a distinctly school feel about it and the next always features at the foot of the bill, which one has had to been curtailed to over 16s only, deprives them of the credit they deserve. They’re after “liaisons” with the police. a little bit mucked up and twisted, but in a “I’m a neurotic with botherations but I’ve got a loud Barney is a mild anarchist, he has trouble with guitar” type of way, which again probably does the police, the council and the Civic every time diservice to their abilities. So you get four very he wants to put another event on, because it promising bands of the moment 20 minutes away doesn’t fit in with the usual Marks and Spencers from campus, with a bar and a thousand others to sterility of Guildford. He grew up here and feels jump on you at the front for very little effort. that Splatch is something that needed to be done, That is really why you should go. he has made something exist that didn’t before, but really should have done. He doesn’t want to be cut-throat, or huge, he doesn’t want to deal with the industry, instead he works with enthusiasts and he doesn’t use con- tracts. He is, by his own description, awkward.

So why go to Splatch? “There’s nothing like it anywhere else in the country. It’s a night of good feeling and finding out that you’re not the only one in Guildford who doesn’t want to go Harpers. It’s four of the best bands in the country at the moment and it’s a real buzz”. At Barney’s next party, where every- one’s his friend you can see Bennet, Dustball, Jocasta and Daytona. Bennet are wonderful. You may remember JOCASTA Splatch!! with Bennet, Jocasta, Dustball and Daytona is on Saturday 6 December at Guildford Civic Hall (doors 7.30pm). Tickets are £5 in advance from the Civic Hall Box Office (01483 444555). ED971128Issue 922.qxd 07/05/98 16:13 Page 9 (1,1)

n Friday 28th November 1997 Notices & Personals 9 Lots of Personals

n 51 St Caths turn your music/guitar Darling - sorry it’s late!! Suite(bob) n Nurses uniform?! - whatever next? n Monopoly Green Team (Mayfair down. Ta n Listen Ye, Your doing my head in n Dave at Tesco’s Deli counter, n Cat- thankyou for being a friend Side)..Good steal boys!! Red Team - n Dave and Anna....the story so far...? Right, Ye ... SR scum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! love Bundle maybe next year guys! n For tips on free deliveries to Bos: n Vibrator?! n The 3 pissed girls at Old Orleans, n Ali - FAG!!! n hola! Natalie W. How was your Contact Cleenar or Barbie!! n state side po-goers. are we follow- GROW UP! n Nurse J - Your uniform’s a bit too FNO ? n Iish Babe House 51, I love U ing you? lah n ickle is the best. We all love you revealing; I think perhaps you ought to n Claire MSO (with a cheery!) ..ooh n Brummie Lad: Even if you pulled n ALL POETS (eg.Chris Byrne) ickle baby wear your hat yes... go on son!! Love Bourne 4’s the Netball Team, it would still be less urgently wanted by Melodious. Come to n Nugget - You make me sick. n JET 4 PJD - I luv u! Tippsy Whipseyxxx than the women on FNO! Wates House, Wednesdays, 3pm. n Happy Birthday to Pod-Woddle - n WARNING! Girls beware, Hug n Mike you mean standards at this n So, Hagis, been fishing lately. DB’s n D***head on the Deli counter, From the mad bunch at the Stag Hill Monster has turned into a sex monster! university are not good enough for you? an OK catch for a canoe club member - Tescos - some say when you don’t get Archers n Thanks for the personal, and for the n Asam, stolen any owls lately? Yeah, anyone??? what you want lie about it!!! n Dear Shaz, want a game of tennis? card. I too am glad you came into my baby, yeah! n They call him Mr Shagtastic; even n Jo, if it gets too electric, you can love andre x life. n Jose and his amazing incream trick shags plastic... always use protection - A Circuit than you pulled on FNO!!! n Coat woman were on Jimbo Hunt n Red team You’re not singing any- n Silly Girl - WOuld you like to Breaker!! n Rubber gloves?! on Wed (beware Jims!) more! bleach more than just my hair? n Vicky babes, fancy any Rich Tea n Grab your Handbags, Here comes n Ha Princess, Salut!, Bisous Mr n Dave at Tesco’s Deli counter, How n D***head on the biccies? Claire... Ooooo! Funny does it feel to take advantage of some- Delicounter,Tescos We’re sick of hear- n Bourne 4 Kiddies...oh what a tan- n How many? Honey!!!!!! n To my hug monster love you loads, body who’s pissed , you c**t ing about your fantisies gled web you weave!! Love Bourne 4 n DB, Alright Sarah, someone wants love le rock x n Hooray! Dan’s got his hairout! n Little Miss Sorted Well done... just Spoken 4! your body out of that wetsuit - can’t n Stephen (Spiers 4) will you ever n The Hogshead? I prefer make sure you keep it that way! n Louisa - How does it feel to be the think WHO!? pull?? ask Jose (the stud) for help Wetherspoon’s myself n Kazza, I don’t get it! apple of someone’s eye - SCARY n Judy, what do you call your boobs n I’m an alien! n Tom, how do you know she in bot n A - We know what to buy you for n Lou Happy Birthday, you’re 22 again?? n Two H&C final year girls... if found blonde? Xmas now!! Your own sewing now, its time to give up the Mr Men!!! n Smither’s, u need to get out more, - probably by Dominoes pizza boy - n TE QUIERO OLIVER kit...you’re obviously going to need it!! n Loadsa bear hugs, Hel. stop being so sad !!! please return to Black water 1 and Uni n DON’T FORGET GCR - WE’RE n Is your gobbler a bit of an animal?! n Paul, please stop accusing me of n Forget about brown - they look just Court 46. STILL HERE - 1602AM n I think Bexky’s suffering from a stealing your hub caps!, It ‘s pissing me perfect in blue ... n Hellow! We’ve forgotten our n Paul Sellwood(sorry did’t mean to slippery floor condition! off. n Monopoly results - yellows - 700 money but we are all very pretty!! use your surname) Found anything else n Miss Piggy, stay cool, love kermit x n FMF - I’m still here points losers - nil points n Bourne4s Barbie and Ken....was life fishy recently? n Did you all know that the earth has n WEYSIDE BIRDS CONQUEST n Gaaaariiiiiii! The teenage pop sen- in plastic fantastic?! (Wed night) n Where is DREAMY EYES’ lover. the shape of a potato?? Ask Oliver CHART - ANY TAKERS??? REPLY sation takes the Union by storm. n Come out of hiding J, Happy 25th Contact me... WARREN. n Ali - You can take your toothpaste HERE TO SILLY DELORES AND n Want a nice new uni court kitchen? Birthday!! n ROO, ROO, BARNIE McGREW and shove it up your... HOUSEMATES! Burning the old one seems to work! n Dominic, thanks for the lovely and her ex-GEOGRAPHY TEACHER. n SHELLEY What did you get your n Mr Happy don’t worry be happy, n Wasnt the lower bar slightly damp wardrobe, but where’s my spoon? What an interesting combination??!!! bonus points for...?! lecture notes are a wonderful thing if on thursday! I wonder why? n ‘Jules of Twyford - thanx for being n GAG - looks like it’s ‘homebase’ n Richard did carol catch your cold, you read them!!! Te quiero n JEREMY FROM PHYSICS - TOP a very special friend....you and me ver- this saturday then! or was she off searching for MIKE? n She gobbles here, she gobbles there, BLOKE LOVE FROM DELORES sus the world now! lov kazxxx’ n Dave at Tesco’s Deli counter, n And the winner is sexy susie sue Mazzy gobbles everywhere. Mainly n SOBS Social life.....what social n Hellow! We’ve forgotten our beware of Women’s Rugby Team. You with her loaded weapon! Union Friday night. life????? money, byt we are all very pretty! have been warned!!! n why is it that the sexiest guys in n Brummie Lad Even if you pulled n Up the reds! Thanks Charlie’s n Posh Spice, stubble rash again, I n Carino, your blue eyes are driving europe are americans...and they are in the netball team, it would still be less Angels for a great game of monopoly! believe yellow tinted foundation does me crazy!!! So is the ramba with you! amsterdam?! lah n Want a good deal on your pizza? (yellows take it up the ***) the trick! Te quiero tio bueno n A - I’m surprised you did’t use a Come and see the terrible twins at Pizza n slag of, pick on, we’ll have n Stop Laughing! n Calling the George Abbott regulars! spoon to mop up the water for me - C Hut less...breaking beds!!! n Alright Suzie in America, all miss- Lads!!!! it is time to get revenge on n Do you think she’d look better with n Question: How many birds has an n Maz- Gobble, Gobble its nearly ing ya, back soon though !!! Duncan! her hair up? Avairy got?! Or is it had Noddy! Christmas, watch out all your potential n Desperate Dan,,,what no n Posh Spice, have you been to n Katie - whats for dinner? Meat and n Q? How many birds has an avairy Gobblees. No-one is safe Wednesday nighter?...losing your touch Guildford Fair and lost both your legs? two weg maybe!!!! lots of love - The got?!!! Or is it had NODDY? n Dear Baz and Ben, Hello, these are mate! Ask a final year for advice (room n Jenny, happy birthday from Jose fristy fibal years! n bloody northerner,sweety the actions of a desperate man, a man 7) love FFYxxx n A big thanks to all those who turned n Frederic and Anatolydoh, rey, darling,sent message to pager,switch who lives in Po n Anoop - I’ve been watching the way out for the SOBS pub crawl!! All SIX of ME!!! lah mobile on!! love bloody foreigner n Ruff in the morning man, (Siman) you move and I like what I see. I’ll be us!! n Thanks to all the people how helped n Hello Woody, hows your .Boppo fell asleep humping a table lately. your spicy masala... n EEEY Twyford Court E last semes- the cathedral operation last friday night n Working class hero? you’ll never n Adam, hiya chap! from Buddy n So, how do you explain the dead ter, there is a Swedish Girl missing you out(!) Love all ya. D.S. get a mobile!!! n Madc, stop blowing that goat GOAT then? - FISH all like hell!/S n DAVE J. I know you were desper- n Rebecca De Winter - oh tempta- n SS - SSQ has disappeared, but S-P n Happy 20th birthday Kathy! Now n Chicken Balls 0 Green Dog Food 1 ate, but did it have to be an ESSEX bird. tionm even the tarot predict it is still around!! put the kettle on! ... n Hellow! Are marrows on promo- n Und, Leben geaendert? n Make good use of Loppy! n four americans plus one ram equals n Hope this Works tion this week at the promo bar? n Stop calling Tillingbourne at 1 am n Monopoly T-Shirts...Cool momen- more than two horns!! lah n Paul S. You’ll never get your beer. n Honey, sweet as (delicious) n Maths? Who needs it? to.. for those of you who still own one!! n Toque, had any dead hedghogs in NEVER!!!!! n Two dates in the same week for the n HCR Thanx for organising n Hellow! Are marrows on promo- your toilet lately! n Gorjus’er - Howz the typing going, spinster, or did you say no to the second Monopoly: What an ace day - lots of luv tionat the promo bar this week! n High speed car, hold tight, Sharon, I’m hungrey, whats new - Gorjus offer. ur fellow courst mates x n John Grisham agrees!!! you;re not even blonde - you’re ginger n Happy Anniversary for the 19th n Big Hello+Thanks to Penthouse n SHUT UP! Yor Mike’s fingernail! spice, love Cockney Spice Notices

Bare Facts Editorial Board you’re interested, please drop a note Education, Representation and Contact Ewen on 304791 for more course Meetings 6pm every Monday in the into the PGA pigeon hole in the Welfare Group (1pm Tuesday information. Office in Union House. Open to all Union. December 2nd, Grant Mitchell Windsurfing EGM Friday 28 students. Room downstairs in the Students’ Scout & Guide Club AGM November 1pm, upper tier in the Are you a student with a disabili- Union) to answer your questions on Mon 1st December 7:30pm LTE union contact Mark x2184 Constitution Review Meeting ty or special needs? personal safety and all security mat- Duke of EdinburghEvery Monday Monday 1st December, Wednesday How have you been treated at the ters. All students welcome. evening 7.15-9.15pm (sessiona £1 3rd December. Lunchtime onwards, University? eg relevant support per week) Meet 6.45pm in LT con- meet at the front of the stage. Drop needs/parking permits, etc. I’m Charter Ball Meeting Wednesday in for a while or stay longer - all seeking info for my dissertaition, wk 12, 4pm Upper Bar. help appreciated. good or bad. Any help much appre- ciated - all info submitted will be Interested in being one of next Graduation Ball 1998 treated as private & confidential. year’s Sabbatical Officers? Then Anyone interested in helping out Anonymity guaranteed. Please come to a meeting at 6pm, Friday with Grad ball please Email cs51sk Email [email protected] week 13 in the Grant Mitchell - if you can’t spare the time just or phone Garry on 01483 457186 Room. Or e-mail the returning offi- send your ideas. cer ([email protected])

Postgraduate & Mature Students University ski trip to Val d’Isere Needed! Did you know that there’s Tony Watling, head of Campus 10-17 January 1998. Everyone wel- an association just for you? If Security, will be attending the come. ED971128Issue 922.qxd 07/05/98 16:13 Page 10 (1,1)

10 Features Friday 28th November 1997 n We couldn’t Crossword No. 58 afford the A- Team...

nce again the early morning mists cleared around the Ounion to reveal a motley group of rugged yet fierce looking hombres! Actually it was a cold damp Sunday Across 7. More deserving (8) the 16th of November and the group 1 Shrub used for hedges (8) 8. A newspaper chief (6) was tired, cold and miserable. For 5. To put away (4) 13. Scattered fragments of once Dave turned up early for the 9. A mistake (5) shells (8) Paintball Soc’s first ever real tour- 10. A child (7) 15. Heavy and slow (6) nament! Yup that’s right we were 11. To boil gently (6) 17. Remote (7) finally going to represent the 12. Portable lamp (5) 18. Breed of dog (6) University at a Paintball tourna- 14. To bargain (6) 20. Heathen (5) ment... 16. Menial servant (6) 22. Imprisoned (5) The day itself had been arranged by 19. Greek letter (5) 23. Carry (4) Wessex Area N.U.S. and we had 21. To cut out (6) Kerinda Stabler to blame for getting 24. To leave undone (7) Last weeks solution us up so early on a Sunday morning. 25. To feed on pasture (5) Across: 7.boater 8.fallow 9.rife We were heading down to a site 26. A connection (4) 10.peruvian 11.interest 13.flow called Campaign and once again 27. A seeker of prey (8) 14.pool 16.sea-rover 18.mastadon a stalemate in the village, and they 21.wool 22.felons 23.roared Dave’s driving in convoy skills hit Dave “El Presidente” clawed their way past us on the Down: 1.potion 2.ethereal 3.grap- another high as he lost one of the Down Davy and Phil “Arctic score board into first place. Binney nels 4.afar 5.Slav 6.tomato 12.train- cars pulling away from the Careful attention (4) Action Man” Venton had resumed their winning tactic of ers 13.footwear 15.orated 17.erod- University. 2. A caution (7) ed 19.tool 20.dusk hiding in bushes shouting at each At the site we met seven other teams 3. A set of wives (5) Crossword Compiled by died down and the volleys of fire other (winning for the opposition, from different universities and col- 4. Repartee (6) Jeff Blackham from the advancing opposition that is...). Come the final game, we leges. The University of 6. A roof repairer (5) finally abated, we set to the task at faced Speedball versus Wessex Portsmouth, Wessex N.U.S, Binney hand. We came out with a draw for Area for first place. It seemed like (?) and four other groups whose that game, despite being effectively almost impossible odds, as victory names escape me made up the eight outnumbered eight to twenty-two. for us would require outright wins teams. We were divided up into A short break to re-stock on paint playing both up and down the field. teams of two groups each, and we and “brief” the Binneys about in- Alas it was not to be, and we even- were paired up with the group game tactics, and we were soon tually ended the day in a quite known as Binney. Unfortunately back in the thick of things. The day respectable, and very hard fought this particular team consisted of a continued on a fairly similar tack, second out of four. bunch of fifteen-year-olds, but there although Binneys managed to get at As usual a great time was had by all, we go... least a partial grip on the idea of not and we are looking forward to some As we went out for the first game up getting instantly shot. Come better team partners in the Spring against the Portsmouth lot, the lunchtime, we were in joint first Season. Maybe we can arrange a adrenaline started to flow and we all place with the Wessex Area team, game against the Binneys some felt more than ready to kick some who, we understand, play regular- time... [Dave, stop that scary grin- Pompey botty. The whistle blew, ly at the Campaign site. ning! - Phil]As usual, for more info and we were off. Or at least the The next two games after lunch saw contact [email protected] Surrey crowd were off, while the our side pull ahead of the field by a or leave a note in our union pigeon- T Binneys decided to have a protract- clear twenty points, when things hole. U ed argument about whether to began to go a little pear-shaped. charge the left or right flank. The Wessex Area team had a couple O Once Binney’s screams of anguish of storming matches, while we drew LD DICKIE’S COLUMN SO

ell, my weekend carried seen more European Football with, after a 28 year, 81 fight stretch in on well into Sunday hopefully, some more victories for the ring. It’s probably about time - Wmorning as I celebrated the English sides. Also, FIFA have he will be 49 in January. However, the magnificent rugby result from brought out their new world rank- his comeback silenced his critics the weekend - England loosing by ings. Wales have done themselves especially in 1991 when he won 17 points to the All Blacks. proud and dragged themselves to the WBA and IBF titles. Besides, Fantastic. Brilliant. Never mind that the heady heights of 87th. Still, on Saturday he earned $15 million it was England’s heaviest home when you are a nation which pro- ; for appearance money like that Possible 20 tickets left. defeat against New Zealand (after duces club side of the strength of can anyone blame him for continu- all we did score a try didn’t we). Cardiff, it’s not altogether surpris- ing until now? For info contact Nicolina ext 4746 or Julia ext 4732 Definitely the sort of performance ing. -Richie Saulet to celebrate with a lap of honor! This weekend also saw the end of On the bright side, this week has George Foreman’s fighting career, ED971128Issue 922.qxd 07/05/98 16:13 Page 11 (1,1)

n Friday 28th November 1997 Sports 11 CAMPUSPORT Transplant DRY SKIING SESSIONS - MONDAYS 6.30 p.m. Thinking of skiing at Christmas or Easter? We can offer 2 sesssions at the Guildford Dry Ski School on Monday 1st & 8th December for Student Swims to £8.00. Sign up at the Sports Centre reception. LUNCH TIME BALLROOM DANCING FRIDAYS 1.05 - 1.55 p.m. Victory Fancy the rhumba or the cha cha on a Friday lunch time? Meet in the University Hall as part of the Interdepartmental Lunch Time Social Sports Programme. Anyone welcome! Q: WHO IS ANDY GORING?? A: ANDY RUNS THE SPORTS MASSAGE AND INJURY CLINIC AT THE SPORTS CENTRE. From next week, Andy will be running a series of articles and advice for students on problem areas in sporting injuries; how to recognise injuries and sports therapy issues. Watch this space! (or if you need to contact Andy, phone 01483 - 452028). ‘WINTER HAPPENINGS’ Yes, it’s that time of year again. As part of the wide range of Campusdance courses and classes, the annual Christmas Show, starring our regular course attenders will take place on Saturday 13th December, 7.30 p.m. in PATS. Some of the innovative sessions this autumn have included Lambada, Latin Jive, Sevillana, Children’s Jazz and Yoga Dance, plus the more regular dance styles like ballet, street jazz and tap. Come and support this lively evening and be entertained by students, staff and members of the public but get your tickets early as this successful event is always a sell out. Tickets (£3/£2 concs/£1.50 under-14s) available from the Information Centre, Senate House or Sports Centre. NOW AVAILABLE! THE LONG AWAITED UNIVERSITY OF SURREY TRACK AND DRILL SUITS HAVE ARRIVED AT THE CAMPUSPORT CENTRE. Both unique suits (which can be purchased separately) feature the distinctive University team playing colours of royal, amber and red, with an embroidered University crest and Halifax BUSA logo. urrey student Elliot Steven Alexander to his love of swimming and Martin has claimed a before long was selected to Smajor success in the take part at the games in World Transplant Games, held in Australia Sydney this year. this year. He was part of a pantheon of one He was supported in his sporting pursuits by hundred British atheletes, competing against the new Surrey University travel bursary. transplant recipients from 50 other countries Barry Hitchcock, director of sport at Surrey world-wide. Elliot won three bronze medals, said: “I hope that Elliot’s success will encour- one in 4 by 50 metre team relay and two in the age other young atheletes who wish to com- 50 and 100 metre backstroke competitions bine their academic studies with continued respectively. sporting achievement.” Until his illness Elliot was a keen swimmer, Elliot is studying industrial engineering, and but he underwent a successful kidney trans- completes his Masters degree in December. plant in 1990 that revived his interest in the He is set to join a consultancy in Shoreham as sport. Life was tough for Elliot before the a development engineer, putting new car transplant. “I could hardly walk up the stairs, engines from major companies through their let alone do any strenuous exercise. I was put paces. He is also training to take part in the on a special high calorie drink that made me 1999 World Transplant Games, due to be held balloon in weight three or four stone. It was a in the Netherlands. nightmare.” After the transplant, he returned Chess Club

ast thursday, the chess the end game, where he club had a league Philip Hawtin almost turned a win into a Lmatch against lose. Result- a draw. Board Godalming . We felt that four saw my return to the there was a chance of victory, but all we real- team, and despite playing a superior player, ly wanted was a result that wasn’t a 3-2 my unorthodox tactics almost succeded in defeat. Reza on board one has started to get mating him in a flank attack, but he was able cocky. He gave his opponent a 30 minute to launch a faster attack on my king and headstart. Now in a game where you only mated me. On board five Luke was used as a have an hour and a half, thats quite a while. last minute replacement and was playing well Despite this, he managed to hold off the until he remembered that he should play impatient onslaught from his opponent, and slower, and this extra time thinking seemed earned a victory. Gian Carlos on board two to confuse him, and that was another game somehow managed to draw in a game where lost. Final score- Godalming B 3 Us 2. Yet a win seemed almost garanteed. Iain, making another defeat. Better luck next time! a return to the team, played a good middle game, only to throw away all his hard work in ED971128Issue 922.qxd 07/05/98 16:13 Page 12 (1,1)

12 Sports Friday 28th November 1997 n Jiu Jitsu Training UNFAIR-WEATHER GOLFERS

It’s been a busy week for the Surrey a ball that he donned his water- golfers, with 4 matches in 8 days. It Jacques and Manky proofs and played out of a lake and (a.k.a. Drinking) all started on Wednesday 12 still managed to par the hole. The November when we played host to he didn’t even get it on the green hospitality was great, second only Southampton (semi-finalists last from 6 feet off of it!!!! At least I to the quality of the golf course year) at West Hill GC. We expect- came in on more than about 2 holes even though it pissed it down Weekend ed a tough match as this was our you twat (this is what happens when (AGAIN) and not one of our players only draw last year. We got off to a you jointly write an article!!). Neil had to reach into their pockets (to s first organised activi- bad start when “Moisha” Summers and Jamie managed to halve their “Moisha’s” great delight !!). They light Clare Greenaway and ty (drinking) was kicked off with a tremendous defeat match. Not a bad effort considering must have enjoyed losing so much including a near shank on the 1st tee Jamie was still shitfaced from the that they have invited us back in the Adawned Hannah Pettifer held at a nearby on Saturday 16th nightclub smaller nearly taking out the opposition. night before and his breath (which summer and offered Rob a job. November, than Cindy’s but “Ginga” Booker, “Jacques” Alter has to be mentioned) was foul. The members of the Jiu Jitsu club even more people were crammed and “Brains” O’Doherty all man- last match was played off handicap The water soaked team then moved crawled out of bed, after a stomp- in. Everyone became better aged to win, securing the half. with the two young faced freshers, onto Reading the very next day and ing FNO, and set off for national acquainted as the temperature rose “Indie” Patel lost 5 & 4 (the biggest Blair and Sandro partnering each low and behold the weather didn’t training courses and competitions and space to breathe (never mind defeat of the year). It was all left to other and they came in second. It let us down and it pissed it down yet (organised each year by The Jitsu dance) became scarce. As the “Manky Monkey Spanker” Manger was a great day and the members of again!!! It was Captain Manky’s Foundation). After a hearty break- male members of the group tried to try and secure a win. As usual, Farnham made us feel very wel- home course and he had enormous fast at McDonald’s (we couldn’t out bad chat-up lines (occasionally afford Tiffany’s) and a fairly to good effect!!), the rest of us just going with tradition he managed to come and hopefully when we go pressure on his shoulders to produce uneventful journey we finally had a good time dancing the night produce yet another loss and is still back next year, no “wives” will his first BUSA point this year. found the indoor arena in away. yet to win a BUSA point this year escort their other half to the Reading only turned up with 5 play- Birmingham: we weren’t even all and hence the draw was inevitable. course.The team then went onto the ers so Surrey already had one point that late. Walking into a room Sunday’s training required much finest fixture of the year at The in the bag before we even started. where several hundred people are effort as people nursed hangovers The team moved on to friendlier Wisley Golf Club. To all non Aj teed off first and at one stage was trying to kill each other (and this and recovered from lack of sleep surroundings on Saturday when golfers it is the equivalent of shag- 3 down and he covered the back was only the warm up) was daunt- (just how loud _can_ one person they were invited by Farnham Golf ging Denise Van Outen or Brad Pitt nine in 31 strokes and won on the ing at first but the St John’s snore?!). The competition finals Club for a match. The weather was , depending of course on your sexu- last green. Rob and Neil both won Ambulance team were comforting- ran in the afternoon and Richard shit, pissing it down all day. Mark al orientation. Membership is a comfortably by 3 & 1 and Jamie lost ly close at hand. came fourth in his group: very and Aj won comfortably with Mark mere snip at only £40,000 plus by a similar margin and it was down impressive considering his state going round in his favourite num- Training, however, was safe com- after the night before. £2,000 and more per year. It is the to Manky to show us he could win a ber, 69 (3 under par). Rob and Chris pared to the competitions in the most expensive golf club in Great game. He didn’t let us down but he afternoon. The St John’s Overall the weekend was enjoyable went off second pair and started in Britain and it was easy to see why. didn’t win either, gaining a monu- Ambulance ran a shuttle service and we all excitedly rushed back to amazing fashion by going 4 under A fantastic day was had by all with mental half point. Chris can now out the back door but there were no train back in Guildford Sunday after 6 holes and hence were 4 up Surrey coming out 3-0 winners. A sleep happily knowing that he can really serious injuries. Richard evening. after 6. That was about as good as it total of 13 balls were lost in the var- perform (on the golf course) on a won his round but the finals were got as they succumbed to the unbe- ious lakes around the course, most Wednesday afternoon. Final result : not until Sunday; Simon fought If you’ld like to find out more lievable pressure (NOT) their oppo- notably by Jamie with two finding 4 ½ - 1 ½ to Surrey. The boys are well with a backwards rolling kick. about the Jiu Jitsu club, then con- nents put them under and they lost the same watery grave on consecu- still undefeated. tact us via the pigeonhole in the on the last hole. Rob’s biggest con- tive duffs on only the 2nd hole !!! After sorting out a slight problem Union or check out the web page tribution to the match was his 3 putt “Moisha” was too tight to lose more One more drop of rain on the golf with bookings at the hotel, we (http://www.ee.surrey.ac.uk/Societi on the last, to lose the match. Chris relaxed with dinner at TGI Fridays es/jitsu/). than one and he was seen course and we’ll all join Sub-Aqua shouldn’t have left his fucking chip next door. It was a good meal, snorkelling in a lake at midnight to Club. although certain people were prob- short though. In fact it was so short retrieve it. Rob was so tight to lose ably too busy eyeing up the “cute” waitresses to notice! The night’s Kingston Head of the River Race

d Walford represented Surrey Rowing Championships at University on Sunday 9th Annie Preston Rivermead Leisure Complex, ENovember in his first ever Reading, if you are in the area and race in a SINGLE SCULL. After a chocolate penguins for sustenance) want to support YOUR University. gentle 5 mile warm-up paddle from encouraging Ed throughout his race. Last year Stefano Predieri won Walton, enduring conditions of rain Ed sculled with great confidence Silver and with four times the num- and wind, and saving sinking and skill and finished the race with ber of entrants from Surrey Uni. we Italians, got to Kingston ready to the support of members of Surrey are hoping for many more medals scull the 2000 metre race. Our Boat Club, feeling exhausted but this year. coach, Norman Kirkby was on his still smiling :-) Well done Ed. If you would like details on the Boat trusty bicycle ready to offer great (rowing) Club, please contact Annie pearls of rowing knowledge to our On 30th November we are compet- bs61ap. rowing star (and of course the ing in the BUSA British Indoor ....The Results.....The Results....The Results.....Resul

Sporty Thang The Enemy Us Them Sporty Thang The Enemy Us Them FOOTBALL M1 NO GAME HOCKEY W1 NO GAME FOOTBALL M2 NO GAME HOCKEY W2 NO GAME FOOTBALL M3 READING 3 1 NETBALL 1 SOUTHAMPTON INST. 21 64 FOOTBALL M4 BRIGHTON 0 1 NETBALL 2 NO GAME FOOTBALL W1 NO GAME RUGBY M1 ROYAL HOLLOWAY 15 29 BADMINTON M1 NO GAME RUGBY M2 ROYAL HOLLOWAY 12 32 BADMINTON M2 NO GAME RUGBY W1 NO GAME BADMINTON W1 NO GAME SQUASH M1 NO GAME BASKETBALL PORTSMOUTH 71 78 SQUASH M2 NO GAME FENCING PORTSMOUTH 18 9 SQUASH W NO GAME GOLF READING 4 1/2 1 1/2 VOLLEYBALL M NO GAME HOCKEY M1 NO GAME VOLLEYBALL W NO GAME HOCKEY M2 SOUTHAMPTON 0 11 TENNIS M NO GAME TENNIS W NO GAME NO BUGGER PLAYED AND WE STILL DRANK LOTS OF BEER AND BOYCOTTED BOYS - YAH BOO SUCKS TO YOU!! LOVE “THE ANARCHIST” CAZ XXX