Reader's Digest

NOVEMBER 2015

FUNNY PEOPLE’S JOKESFAVORITE An RD ORIGINAL... 72 Chewing: The Weirdest Phobia of All From NEW REPUBLIC ... 104 13 Secrets Airlines Won’t Tell You An RD ORIGINAL ... 135 Why Are You Not Dead Yet? From SLATE ... 80 Protect Your Brain from Alzheimer’s By KENNETH S. KOSIK, MD ... 43 Be the Lobster By ELIZABETH GILBERT ... 18 What Would You Spend to Keep Your Cat Alive? From NEW YORK ... 110 Fix Your Thanksgiving Food Flops An RD ORIGINAL ... 48

QUOTABLE QUOTES ...... 152 YOU BE THE JUDGE ...... 23 WORD POWER ...... 149

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Cover Story Psychology 72 FUNNY PEOPLE’S 104 CHEWPHOBIA FAVORITE JOKES Here’s what happens Forty-four gags that make when small, everyday laugh makers laugh every time. noises ruin your life. EDITED BY MATTY SIMMONS CHARLES BETHEA FROM NEW REPUBLIC Public Health 80 WHY ARE YOU Culture NOT DEAD YET? 110 ANYTHING FOR KITTY American life expectancy has I spent thousands to keep doubled in the past 150 years. my ailing pet alive. I don’t The reasons will surprise you. think I’d do it again. LAURA HELMUTH FROM SLATE MELISSA DAHL FROM NEW YORK

The Stranger Who Inspiration Changed My Life 116 IF YOU FIND 92 WHAT WILL HAPPEN THIS LETTER ... TO PATTY’S BOY? Hannah Brencher left a note As her oncology nurse, for a stranger. What followed I gave his mother all I could. was an abundance of love. Now it was his turn. FROM THE BOOK IF YOU FIND KAREN MOTT, AS TOLD TO THIS LETTER MELODY WARNICK National Interest Personal Essay 98 HOUSE ON FIRE 122 FINDING AND STOPPING THE NEXT My family and I survived the blaze, MASS SHOOTER but we thought we’d A wannabe murderer who lost everything else. was arrested just in time We were wrong. gives a fascinating look HOLLYE DEXTER into the mind of a killer. FROM THE BOOK TOM JUNOD FROM ESQUIRE FIRE SEASON

P. |

PHOTOGRAPH BY ADAM VOORHES ADAM BY PHOTOGRAPH 80

rd.com | 11•2015 | 1 Volume 186 | Issue 1115 NOVEMBER 2015

6 Editor’s Note 8 Letters Everyday Heroes 10 Bold Brothers ALYSSA JUNG 13 Saved by the Switchboard BETH DREHER

VOICES & VIEWS

Department of Wit 15 The Incredible Shrinking Couple Ali Wentworth imagines a day of couples therapy with husband George Stephanopoulos. P. | 138 FROM THE BOOK HAPPILY ALI AFTER

Words of Lasting Interest 18 A Lobster Walks into a Party ... READER FAVORITES Why we shouldn’t be afraid to be absurd. ELIZABETH GILBERT 26 100-Word True Stories FROM THE BOOK BIG MAGIC 28 Points to Ponder You Be the Judge 36 Life in These United States 23 The Case of the 56 All in a Day’s Work Missing Comma 64 News from the Can a town uphold a parking World of Medicine ticket despite imperfect 86 The Moth punctuation? VICKI GLEMBOCKI 97 Laugh Lines 108 Photo of Lasting Interest Finish This Sentence 114 Laughter, the Best 30 My Family’s Oldest Medicine Holiday Ritual Is … 121 That’s Outrageous! Photo Essay 149 Word Power 32 Portraits of Patriots 151 Humor in Uniform The motorcycle group that 152 Quotable Quotes honors soldiers. CLAIRE BENOIST BY PHOTOGRAPH

2 | 11•2015 | rd.com ART OF LIVING

43 Protect Your Brain from Alzheimer’s KENNETH S. KOSIK, MD, WITH ALISA BOWMAN FROM THE BOOK OUTSMARTING ALZHEIMER’S

Food 48 Cook Your Way Out of It KELSEY KLOSS

Technology 50 Seriously, Listen to Your P. | 28 Voice Mail LESLIE HORN FROM WNYC WHO KNEW?

Health 58 When to Say No to an 135 13 Things Airlines Won’t Antibiotics Prescription Tell You MICHELLE CROUCH FROM CONSUMER REPORTS ON HEALTH 138 6 Foods You’d Never 60 Stop & Drop the Weight: Guess Were American Best Soups! LIZ VACCARIELLO BRANDON SPECKTOR

62 What Your Hands Reveal 140 Unlikely Legacies of U.S. About Your Health Presidents THE PHYSICIANS OF THE DOCTORS BRANDON SPECKTOR 144 You Can Count on … 40 BRANDON SPECKTOR 146 Why Popcorn Pops BRANDON SPECKTOR

P. | 58 ILLUSTRATIONS BY QUICKHONEY

ADDITIONAL MEDIA IN OUR TABLET

FROM TOP: ILLUSTRATION BY TRACY TURNBULL. PHOTOGRAPH BY ADAM VOORHES ADAM BY TURNBULL. PHOTOGRAPH TRACY BY ILLUSTRATION FROM TOP: VERSIONS

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AARPMedicareSupplement.com Look Who Showed Up Showed Who Look Reader’s Digest show“If yougivepeoplesomethingtodo—amission—theywill up.” byof letterswritten Hannah strangers arrived, tellsus, sherealized this: woman’s onherwebsite, MoreLoveLetters.com. story Whenboxes andboxes mom couldhave up, usedsomecheering andHannah Brencher postedthe …”This Letter (page116).Depressed onherluck,theyoung anddown I think,Thiswoman—maybe awoman whoworks nearby—heard thisman. a cupofcoffeeinherhand, anotherinhis. Theyare talking.Simple asthat. hello!” Thenextday, awoman inablueAnnTaylor dress sitsbesidehim, like Idon’texist,” pasthim. heshoutsat “You thehumanity hurrying cansay 6 showed up. dress pulledupapieceofcardboard andhad aseat. She treated thewoman human intheAnnTaylor with decency, the funeral, thePatriot Guard Ridersshowed up(page32). cancer, oncologynurse Karen Mott showed up(page92). operator Marilyn Hinson showed up(page13). 911 because hecouldn’tleave hisapartmentto shop forfood,

The world is filled with peoplelikethat.The worldisfilledwith are So thepagesof I alsothinkaboutasinglemommentioned inthismonth’s “IfYou Find evening,theman breaksOne hisgood-natured facade. ignore “Don’t me And whenaman sittingonasidewalkwanted tobe hero neededhelpwith When thefamilyofafallenmilitary When ayoungboy losinghismother to wasfacedwith When aman recently released from thehospitaldialed | 11 • of greetings topassersby. no sign;heasksformoneyorfood.He just offersasteadystream A MAN SITS ONTHESIDEWALKA MANSITS 2015 and follow meat I invite you to e-mailmeat | rd.com trsNote itor’s d E lizvaccariello onInstagram. . facebook.com/lizvaccariello [email protected] and a fewblocksfrom my office. He holds

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COMMENTS ON THE SEPTEMBER ISSUE

Silent Signs Your Body Is in Big Trouble I was going to skip this article because it appeared to be for young women, but I thought the information might be useful for my granddaughters. Imagine my surprise when it was also about problems facing men and women of an older generation—or two! Five photos of healthy young women don’t represent at least half of your readers.

ESTHER ESSON, The Dalles, Oregon

Sitting with a Soldier He looked over at me and said, As I read this essay, the tears started “I sure hope I’m comfortable!” to flow. My son is in the Air Force A. M., via e-mail and has been on four deployments. It’s nice to know that there are still I Need a Book Club! people who appreciate what the This is exactly what I’ve been trying military is doing to keep us safe. to convey to my husband since we JILL DESMOND, moved. I’m going to bring up the South Weymouth, Massachusetts ideas in this article when speaking to old friends from my hometown. Let Sleeping Dogs Lie I want to remind them that newcom- We had settled in one night with ers may not have the same history our five dogs, ranging in weight from you do, but they need to be included ten to 60 pounds. They had my and welcomed. husband pretty much immobilized. DANEEN CAMPBELL, Loganville, Georgia

8 | 11•2015 | rd.com A Man, a Mirror, a Cure The Art of Offering Love A follow-up letter from Stephen and Comfort Sumner to RD: Since the article has When I was 29, I lost my partner to come out, I have received many do- a horrendous disease. The greatest nations to my efforts. They now equal comfort I received was in simple the plane fare to get me to Southeast presence. I didn’t want to be alone Asia. It has spurred me to really dig yet couldn’t ask for help. So my in with intention and make this trip mother made airline reservations happen. I’m going, and it’s thanks to and accompanied me to the funeral. RD and your readers. STEPHEN SUMNER, A friend packed my bag. These gifts Vancouver, British Columbia of presence are what remain in my memory of that difficult time. All in a Day’s Work MARK WILSON, Long Beach, California I would respectfully ask that in the future you not publish “jokes” refer- Caffeine Confusion encing schizophrenia. Our society “First Aid for Your Voice” says to avoid would benefit from reading stories large amounts of caffeinated drinks, that reduce the stigma of mental ill- which can dehydrate you, especially if ness instead of a joke that makes light taking medication; “36 Favorite Facts of the symptom of hearing voices. That Are False” says caffeine doesn’t J. N., Hillsboro, Oregon really dehydrate you, as the diuretic effect is offset by the amount of water Good Cops, Bad Cops in a caffeinated drink. Which is right? As the daughter of a police officer, JAMES HUNTER, Chico, California I was so thankful to read this simple, sincere essay. A few bad cops have EDITOR’S NOTE: Caffeine does have cast a shadow over the thousands of a mild diuretic effect, but when con- hardworking men and women who sumed by a healthy person in moder- risk their lives to serve and protect ation, the effect is negligible. However, their communities. My father’s it is wise to avoid large amounts of career set my moral compass and caffeine to minimize the diuretic effect, taught me empathy for all people. especially when you have an illness or ANNE ROGERS SCOTT, Taylor Mill, Kentucky are taking a drug that may dehydrate.

Send letters to [email protected] or Letters, Reader’s Digest, PO Box 6100, Harlan, Iowa 51593-1600. Include your full name, address, e-mail, and daytime phone number. We may edit letters and use them in all print and electronic media. Contribute Send us your 100-word true stories, jokes, and funny quotes, and if we publish one in a print edition of Reader’s Digest, we’ll pay you $100. To submit your 100-word stories, visit rd.com/stories. To submit humor items, visit rd.com/submit, or write to us at Jokes, Box 6226, Harlan, Iowa 51593-1726. Please include your full name and address in your entry. We regret that we cannot acknowl- edge or return unsolicited work. Do Business Subscriptions, renewals, gifts, address changes, payments, account information, and inquiries: Visit rd.com/help, call 877-732-4438, or write to us at Reader’s Digest, PO Box 6095, Harlan, Iowa 51593-1595.

rd.com | 11•2015 | 9 EV E RY DAY HEROES

When a three-vehicle collision occurs near their house, Conner and Caleb Richey rush to help—and there’s a twist Bold Brothers

BY ALYSSA JUNG

ON THEIR LAST DAY of summer small wooded hill. When they break in August 2013, brothers emerged from the trees, they saw Conner and Caleb Richey were at three vehicles—a red pickup truck, home in Enterprise, Alabama, when a black sedan, and a black tow a huge crash reverberated through truck—all of which had been struck. the two-story house. A man who looked shocked but Caleb, 19, who was playing video uninjured sat on the bumper of the games downstairs, was certain that tow truck, which had veered off there had been a car accident on the road and into a ditch. Highway 167, about 400 yards from Conner and Caleb got to the the house. He ran upstairs and burst sedan first. Smoke wafted from into Conner’s room. “We have to get its mangled front end, and the driver outside!” Caleb told his brother. was pinned in place by the collapsed The two boys sprinted barefoot dashboard and steering wheel. Blood across the front yard and down a covered his face, and his left arm ➸

10 | 11•2015 | rd.com PHOTOGRAPH BY ALEX MARTINEZ “It was second nature to help,” says Conner Richey, far left, with his brother, Caleb. EVERYDAY HEROES was badly broken. “I don’t know 15, to Medical Center Enterprise, if he’s going to live, but I have to where doctors treated Tim for bone do something,” Conner, then 21, fractures to his vertebrae and knee, remembers thinking. He took off his severely bruised ribs, and a right T-shirt and pressed it against the elbow contusion. man’s bloody head. Caleb sprinted Tim recounted the crash to his back home to grab a first-aid kit. He family from his hospital bed. He returned, gave the kit to his brother, had been waiting in a line of traffic and then borrowed an onlooker’s cell to turn left into his driveway when he phone to dial 911. Later, when emer- saw a tow truck quickly approaching gency personnel arrived, they cut off in his rearview mirror. Seconds later, the roof of the sedan, the wrecker, whose pulled out the trapped driver was later discov- driver, and loaded him ered to have been tex- onto a helicopter bound “I’m very proud ting, slammed into the for a nearby trauma of how Caleb rear end of Tim’s truck, hospital. “You probably sending it spinning into saved his life,” para- and Conner oncoming traffic. Tim medics told Conner. responded,” says then crashed head-on Meanwhile, Caleb into a black sedan. rushed over to the Tim Richey. As the truck flipped, pickup truck. When “But I’m not “it was just sky, ground, he peered through the surprised.” sky, ground,” Tim says. windshield, he was After the accident, surprised to see his he wore a back brace father, Tim, inside. for eight weeks and “It’s Dad!” Caleb called anxiously a leg brace for ten and completed to Conner. “This driver is Dad!” two months of physical therapy. Conner ran to Caleb’s side, and The boys received an award from the the boys tried to comfort their father. Enterprise Chamber of Commerce “Stay with us, Dad; paramedics are in September 2014. here,” the boys repeated. As firefight- “I’m very proud of how my sons ers used the Jaws of Life to cut Tim, responded,” says Tim. “But I’m not 52, out of the pickup, Conner called surprised.” their mother, Denine, who was at The boys say their father taught work at the county registrar’s office. them to lend a hand. “Dad raised us She arrived in time to ride in the to always help people in need,” says ambulance with Tim. Conner drove Caleb. “This time that rule of thumb

Caleb and their sister Caroline, then helped him too.” SMITH GROOMING: NAOMI PREVIOUS PAGE:

12 | 11•2015 | rd.com READER’S DIGEST Saved by the Switchboard

BY BETH DREHER

LAST MAY, Clarence Blackmon, 81, returned to his Fayetteville, North Carolina, apartment after months in the hospital for prostate cancer treatment. He found his refrigerator and pantry were nearly empty. Clarence’s wife, Wanda, had passed away a few years earlier, and he had no family nearby to help him with grocery shopping. Unable to drive or walk, Clarence called a local supermarket, but the manager told him the store didn’t deliver. Hungry and desperate, Clarence dialed 911. “I don’t need to be transported anywhere,” he told the operator, Marilyn Hinson. “I just need somebody to bring me some food. I can’t do anything. I can’t go any- “I could hear the sincerity in [Clarence’s] where. I can’t get out of my chair.” voice,” says Marilyn Hinson. Marilyn asked her supervisor, Lisa Reid, if she would allow her to offer Clarence, an Army veteran and retired her assistance, and Lisa consented. petroleum company administrator. “He was hungry,” Marilyn told Clarence is now in hospice care, a local television station. “I’ve been but Marilyn visits a few times a hungry. A lot of people can’t say that, week to chat, fill his candy dish but I can, and I can’t stand for any- (“he loves Jolly Ranchers,” she says), one to be hungry.” and collect his laundry. Marilyn Later that day, Marilyn delivered says, “There are no heroics here.” In Clarence’s order, including a head her mind, she’s just doing the right of cabbage, tomato juice, popcorn, thing. But ask Clarence, and he’ll beans, beets, an avocado, and soda credit Marilyn with saving his and made him a few sandwiches. life. “Thank God for people [like

FAYETTEVILLE POLICE DEPARTMENT - 911 DIVISION POLICE DEPARTMENT FAYETTEVILLE “She came to my rescue,” said Marilyn],” he says.

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Department of Wit The Incredible Shrinking Couple

BY ALI WENTWORTH FROM THE BOOK HAPPILY ALI AFTER

MY HUSBAND, Good Morning America’s George Stephanopoulos, and I have never been to couples therapy. But if we ever went, this is how I imagine it would go:

(INT. THERAPIST’S OFFICE. Upper West Side, New York City. Afternoon. Husband, in a finely tailored suit and a navy striped ALI tie, and Ali, in tattered jeans and looking like a bedraggled WENTWORTH Bennington College student, sit on a tweed love seat holding is a comedian, hands. Dr. Love sits across from the couple in a leather actress, and wing-back chair, holding a notebook and a pen.) author. Her previous book DR. LOVE: So ... what brings you to therapy today? was Ali in ALI: Um, everyone we know is in couples therapy, and we Wonderland. aren’t. DR. LOVE: So you came to couples therapy because everyone you know goes? ALI: Yes, sir, that is correct. (Husband pulls out his iPhone 6.) ➸

ILLUSTRATION BY STEVE WACKSMAN rd.com | 11•2015 | 15 DEPARTMENT OF WIT

HUSBAND: Sorry, breaking news ... DR. LOVE: Ali, you seem angry ... ALI: Syria? ALI: I’m not angry. I’d like to revise HUSBAND: No. Drew Barrymore’s in what my husband said earlier ... town. I don’t want him to appreciate me DR. LOVE: Let’s start by each of more ... I want him to feel like he you telling me the one thing in your exceeded every expectation by marriage you want to work on. getting me. (Husband is replying to e-mail.) DR. LOVE: What do you mean by ALI: I never understood that? why shrinks have Afri- ALI: I mean, I want him can masks. Was therapy to feel like he hit the born in Uganda? Or is I wish you were jackpot! He got a hole in it a literal shrinking- more repulsed one! Struck gold! When heads metaphor? a stunning woman HUSBAND: I think we by other women in tight Lululemon could both appreciate and clapped leggings struts by, I each other more in our want him to think, Sure, marriage? when I step out she’s younger and fitter ALI: That’s dumb. of the shower. and probably makes a DR. LOVE: That’s not real effort in bed, but appreciative, Ali. There nothing beats my wife is no such thing as dumb here. It is and her winning personality! a safe haven. HUSBAND: I do, honey. ALI: Well, every couple says that. I ALI: But I wish you were slightly would like to be appreciated more, more repulsed by all other women! sure, but if my husband followed me And it wouldn’t hurt for you to clap around telling me how wonderful I when I step out of the shower! was and throwing peonies at my feet, DR. LOVE: That seems a bit I think it would get annoying. Appre- narcissistic. ciation is overrated. If I cook a crappy ALI: I am not a narcissist. I’m the op- meal, I don’t want to hear, “This posite: I’m an insecure psychopath. is the most delicious cod I’ve ever (Dr. Love furiously scribbles notes.) had.” I know it’s bull! I’m eating the ALI: What are you writing? same dry fish, so the compliment is DR. LOVE: Just some notes. meaningless—in fact, it’s worse than ALI: About me? Are you writing that; it’s humiliating. about me? HUSBAND: (looks at Dr. Love) DR. LOVE: (Obviously yes.) No. I don’t; I’m not ... this is where it gets ALI: Look, I’m very happy. We’re very

tricky for me! happy. I just ... sometimes I wish HEIDI GUTMAN COURTESY SOURCE PHOTO: (WENTWORTH). JOE MCKENDRY BY ILLUSTRATION PREVIOUS PAGE:

16 | 11•2015 | rd.com READER’S DIGEST there was just a little drama, you marriage at all. I would, however, know? I go out to dinner with my like to spend some sessions with friends, and one hates her husband, Ali alone. one thinks she might be gay, and the ALI: Me? Why, did my husband win? other is having an affair with her He won, didn’t he? chiropractor. I have nothing! I have DR. LOVE: There’s no winning or nothing to add except things are losing. really good, I love my husband, and I ALI: Well, how come I have to come don’t fantasize about women. Boring! but not him? For once, I want to have a marital DR. LOVE: You seem to need therapy. problem to bring to the table! ALI: Ugh. More? OK, how much is it? (Husband looks at her curiously.) DR. LOVE: It’s $200 a session. DR. LOVE: So are you saying that (Ali stands.) you want your husband to have ALI: Are you out of your fricking an affair? mind? ALI: No, of course not. But I want to DR. LOVE: I’ve been accused of that. be able to buy the apps that track ALI: Instead of therapy sessions, I cheating spouses based on iPhone will take that $200 a week— location or unscramble deleted texts! DR. LOVE: Actually $600—I’m sug- Why does everyone else get to throw gesting three times a week. dishes and scream, “That jerk!” ALI: —Six hundred dollars a week HUSBAND: I would never have an and purchase a pair of jeans that fit affair. I love you! right, meet Eddie Redmayne, and ALI: (pointing to husband) You see? discover a fat-free Oreo milk shake, DR. LOVE: How’s your sex life? and believe me, I will be the happiest (Husband is about to speak.) wife in Manhattan! ALI: Let’s just say, thumbs-up! (Ali walks out of the office.) DR. LOVE: Hmmmm ... I don’t HUSBAND: (looks up from his see any glaring problems in your iPhone) Oh ... are we done?

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rd.com | 11•2015 | 17 WORDS OF LASTING INTEREST

Don’t be afraid to be absurd A Lobster Walks Into a Party …

BY ELIZABETH GILBERT FROM THE BOOK BIG MAGIC

TWENTY YEARS AGO, I was at a party, talking to a guy whose name I have long since forgotten. Sometimes I think this man came into my life for the sole purpose of telling me this story, which has delighted and inspired me ever since. The story he told me was about his younger brother, who was trying to be an artist; it was an anecdote about how brave, creative, and trusting his brother was. For the purposes of this story, let’s call the little brother Little Brother. ELIZABETH GILBERT Little Brother, an aspiring painter, went to France to surround is the author himself with beauty and inspiration. He lived on the cheap, of Eat, Pray, painted every day, visited museums, traveled to picturesque Love as well locations, bravely spoke to everyone he met, and showed his as several work to anyone who would look at it. One afternoon, he struck other works of fiction and up a conversation in a café with a group of charming young nonfiction. people, who turned out to be some species of fancy aristocrat. Her two They took a liking to Little Brother and invited him to a party TED talks that weekend in a castle in the Loire Valley. They said this was on creativity going to be the party of the year. It would be attended by the have received a combined rich and famous and by several crowned heads of Europe. Best 12 million of all, it was a masquerade ball, where nobody skimped on the views to date. costumes. Dress up, they said, and join us! Excited, Little Brother worked all week on a costume that he was certain would be a showstopper. He held back on

neither the details nor the audacity of his creation. Then he JOE MCKENDRY BY ILLUSTRATION

18 | 11•2015 | rd.com rented a car and drove three hours to an orchestra. Little Brother, on to the castle. He changed into his the other hand, was wearing a red costume in the car and ascended the leotard, red tights, red ballet slippers, castle steps. Little Brother entered and giant red foam claws. Also, his the ballroom, head held high. face was painted red. This is where Upon which he immediately I must tell you that Little Brother was realized his mistake. over six feet tall and quite skinny— This was indeed a costume party— but with the waving antennae on his his new friends had not misled him head, he appeared even taller. He was there—but he had missed one detail also the only American in the room. in translation: This was a themed He stood at the top of the steps for costume party. The theme was one long, ghastly moment. Running “a medieval court.” And Little away in shame seemed like the most Brother was dressed as a lobster. dignified response. But he didn’t All around him, the wealthy and run. Somehow, he found his resolve. beautiful were attired in elaborate He’d come this far, after all. He’d period gowns, draped in heirloom worked tremendously hard to make jewels, sparkling as they waltzed this costume, and he was proud of it.

PHOTOGRAPH BY RUSS AND REYN rd.com | 11•2015 | 19 WORDS OF LASTING INTEREST

He took a deep breath and walked my life that did not make me feel, at onto the dance floor. some point or another, like I was the He reported later that it was only guy who just walked into a fancy ball his experience as an aspiring artist wearing a homemade lobster cos- that gave him the courage and license tume. But you must stubbornly walk to be so vulnerable and absurd. into that room, and you must hold Something in his life had already your head high. Never apologize for taught him to just put it out there, it, never explain it away, never be whatever “it” was. That ashamed of it. You did costume was what he your best with what you had made, after all. knew, and you worked It was the best he had. You must with what you had, in It was all he had. So he stubbornly walk the time that you were decided to trust in him- given. You were invited, self, to trust in his cos- into that room, you showed up, and tume, to trust in the and you you simply cannot do circumstances. more than that. As he moved into must hold your They might throw the crowd, a silence fell. head high. you out—then again, The dancing stopped. they might not. The The orchestra stuttered ballroom is often more to a stop. The other guests gathered welcoming and supportive than you around Little Brother. Finally, some- could ever imagine. You might end one asked him what on earth he was. up dancing with royalty. Little Brother bowed deeply and Or you might just end up having to announced, “I am the court lobster.” dance alone in the corner with your Then: laughter. big, ungainly red foam claws waving Not ridicule—just joy. They loved in the empty air. him. They loved his sweetness, his That’s fine too. Sometimes it’s weirdness, his giant red claws, his like that. What you absolutely must skinny legs in his bright tights. He not do is walk out. Otherwise, you was the trickster among them, and will miss the party, and that would he made the party. Little Brother be a pity because—please believe even ended up dancing with the me—we did not come all this great queen of Belgium. distance, and make all this great This is how you must do it, people. effort, only to miss the party at the I have never created anything in last moment.

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Can a town uphold a parking ticket despite imperfect punctuation? The Case Of the Missing Comma

BY VICKI GLEMBOCKI

ANDREA CAMMELLERI woke up licensed and drivable. Plus, she’d on February 13, 2014, made a cup of been parking it on the street nearly coffee, looked out the front window every day and night since she’d of her house in West Jefferson, Ohio, moved into her home two and a half and panicked. Her 1993 Ford Ranger, years earlier. which had been parked on the street Later, when a police officer the night before, was gone. dropped off the actual ticket, she Cammelleri called 911. When she found she’d been fined $120 for gave the dispatcher the year, make, violating a West Jefferson village and model, he told her that her car parking ordinance. She looked it had not been stolen. up online. It stated that it was illegal “It was impounded for overtime to park “any motor vehicle camper, parking,” he said. trailer, farm implement and/or non- Cammelleri, then 45, was confused. motorized vehicle” on a street for There weren’t any No Parking signs more than 24 hours. Cammelleri had posted along the curb. Her truck was left her pickup truck parked on ➸

ILLUSTRATION BY NOMA BAR rd.com | 11•2015 | 23 YOU BE THE JUDGE the street for longer than was allowed, the phrase motor vehicle and the but she didn’t believe that the ordi- word camper. The court agreed, nance, as written, applied to her stating that “anybody reading [the vehicle. “My truck wasn’t a ‘motor ordinance] would understand that vehicle camper,’” she says. She went it is just missing a comma.” The court to the municipal office to point out ruled that Cammelleri was guilty the grammatical error, expecting the and had to pay the fine, the $166 in mayor to “rip up the ticket and call it towing fees, and court costs. a done deal.” That didn’t happen, so Cammelleri appealed to the she officially contested the citation. Twelfth Appellate District of Ohio. At the bench trial on March 18, “For as long as that subdivision Cammelleri discovered that 27 other existed, people had parked on the people in her subdivision had had road,” says Cammelleri’s attorney, their cars towed that same day, Brian Harter. “Then, on this one though most had paid the fine. day, they just tow everybody? That Undeterred, she made her case. The makes little sense.” village countered that the ordinance did apply, despite the inadvertent Should Cammelleri have to pay omission of the comma between the ticket? You be the judge.

THE VERDICT

Cammelleri and her attorney claimed in briefs that the lower court erred in ruling that she was guilty of overtime parking as outlined in the ordinance and also “in failing to find any ambiguity” in the ordinance as it was written. In an opinion published on June 22, 2015, the three appellate judges unanimously sided with Cammelleri and vacated her conviction, which the Washington Post called “a victory for punctuation.” “According to grammar rules, items in a series are separated by commas,” Judge Robert Hendrickson wrote. He concluded that “reading ‘motor vehicle camper’ as one item does not produce an absurd result. If the village desires a different reading, it should insert a comma between the phrase ‘motor vehicle’ and ‘camper.’ ” In the end, the village took his advice.

Agree? Disagree? Sound off at rd.com/judge.

24 | 11•2015 | rd.com

Your True Stories

IN 100 WORDS

EXCESS BAGGAGE Doctors said she icket is $287. But was going to die at “Tall of that is a least three times. problem.” She’s refer- I sewed faster. By ring to my luggage God’s good grace, cart, stacked with I delivered that suitcases, boxes, and blanket two years ago, a bag full of shoes. and my sister still sleeps “One bag is free. Every- under it today. thing else is $100 each.” JENNIFER THORNBURG, I tell her I packed my San Tan Valley, Arizona Volkswagen after discovering my boyfriend was cheating. Fried the BACKUP BAND-AID engine. Hitchhiked to the airport in was riding the subway and hap- flip-flops. She left her cheating hus- I pened to be seated between two band recently, hardest decision she young guys. The one on the right ever made. She checks it all, charges eyed the slightly grungy Band-Aid me nothing. As I leave, I don’t feel on my thumb and said, “You should the crush of having no plan, only the really change that, you know. You weightlessness of being free. have to keep it clean.” Then the one EILEEN DOUGHARTY, Chicago, Illinois on my left said, “Here, I have one,” and pulled a fresh Band-Aid out of PRAYER QUILT his knapsack. “I keep them on me started quilting so I could spend because I’m always hurting myself.” I time with my aunt. I didn’t accom- Incredulous, I thanked him, changed plish much until my little sister was my bandage, and got off at my stop put into the hospital. She lived 13 feeling pretty good about people, hours away, which meant I couldn’t life, and New York City. be at her side, but I could pray, and BABETTE LAZARUS, New York, New York I could make her a blanket. Every stitch was sewn with prayer and To read more 100-word stories and to submit your own, go to rd.com/stories. tears, memories woven in between If your story is selected for publication in layers of cotton and polyester. the magazine, we’ll pay you $100.

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THE AROMA of flour, sugar, and SUFFERING FROM homesickness butter mingling in the oven is a is distressing and unpleasant … But better tonic than any alcohol. And that’s its value—much like physical the best recipe for a good evening is pain. We don’t like pain, but its a dish so fragrant that it makes the aversiveness is essential in keeping tongue-tied start to talk. The formula us from hurting ourselves. is simple: When you cook for people, they feel cared for. MARK LEARY, PHD, professor of psychology and neuroscience, in Duke Magazine RUTH REICHL, chef and food writer, in her book My Kitchen Year HERE’S A TINY SECRET they don’t WE’VE NEVER SAID protests are the tell you at your college commence- answer, but protests create space ment ceremony: Sometimes adults for the answer. Protest is disruption. just want to lie on the couch, eat Protest is confrontation. Protest is mint chocolate chip ice cream the end of silence, and what protest straight from the container, and does is it creates space for the other watch old Goldie Hawn–Kurt Russell work to happen. movies. That nourishes the soul too.

DERAY MCKESSON, JASON GAY, social justice activist, in Ebony sports columnist, in his book, Little Victories

ON AUTUMN

All through autumn, we hear a double voice: One says everything is ripe; the other says everything is dying. The paradox is exquisite. GRETEL EHRLICH, poet and travel writer, in her book The Solace of Open Spaces There were days when no kid came out of his house without looking around. The week after Halloween had a quality both hung over and ominous, the light pitched, the sky smashed against the rooftops. JONATHAN LETHEM, novelist, in his book The Fortress of Solitude

28 | 11•2015 | rd.com When I gave my farewell address … I said that the United States did not invent human rights—that human rights invented America. I still have that feeling. Within us, we have the capability and the idealism and the history to be a superpower. JIMMY CARTER, former U.S. president, in the Atlantic

WILDNESS IS EVERYWHERE … It’s “YOU CAN BE anything you want to on our hands, it’s in our immune be” is pithy advice that isn’t helping systems, it’s in our lungs—where most of the young launch careers or there are 2,000 bacteria per square find satisfaction … If we really think centimeter! … Much of what we about it, few of us mean it literally … consider to be us is in fact not us. Perhaps what we’re really trying to We breathe, and wildness comes in. say to our children is that we trust in their ability to build a meaningful life. JACK TURNER, nature writer, in the Sun LESLIE GARRETT, writer, on aeon.co MY CAMPAIGN MANAGER had an eight-year-old daughter … After IMAGINE AN INSTITUTION where the watching me on television one occupants are routinely left immobile night … she said, “Daddy, can boys and deprived of sleep, and fed a diet grow up to be senators?” And it was that is tasteless … Imagine further because, her whole life, [she] had that they experience the indignity of only seen Olympia Snowe and me losing any semblance of privacy … as senators. And I just love that story Sounds like a brutal prison, right? Yet because it shows how powerful the same description could apply to images are in role models. a typical U.S. hospital.

SUSAN COLLINS, ROBERT PEARL, MD,

SOURCE PHOTO: WILLIAM COUPON SOURCE PHOTO: U.S. senator from Maine, in Cosmopolitan physician, on forbes.com

ILLUSTRATION BY TRACY TURNBULL rd.com | 11•2015 | 29 FINISH THIS SENTENCE My family’s

Going to Des Moines, WA midnight Mass Anaconda, on Christmas Eve and coming Making DIY MT home to presents under the tree. Christmas tree KRIS CHIRICO decorations. Everyone gets involved! CYNDEE RINEHART STEUSSY Walking in the annual Rotary Halloween Parade. For 30-plus years, Tacos! I’ve made our costumes for it. SARAH ZIMMER GILLEN Years ago, my dad asked my niece what she wanted for Colorado Springs, CO Christmas, and she said tacos. To this day, we all enjoy our Christmas taco dinners. ANITA FRITZ Groaning, “Not again!” as I play Adam Sandler’s San Diego, CA “The Thanksgiving Song.” CHRISTINA RAUSCH

Taking the cow from the nativity set at Christmas and putting him in the most obscure places. ZAC GENTRY oldest holiday ritual is…

Sitting around my Setting an grandmother’s extra plate Passover for any passing travelers table, who need a place to eating chicken Cumberland, eat dinner, a tradition soup with our Irish RI my mom brought relatives. from Poland. RICHARD SACKS ANNA ZAJAC WHITLOW New Milford, CT Orion, MI

Reading The Night Carlinville, IL Before Christmas aloud on Christmas Eve, Ferguson, MO surrounded by my family. ED MONACO According to Zoroastrian custom, my daughter has a bath with rose petals, milk, and rice on her birthday and receives a blessing. RUFFINA FARROKH ANKLESARIA Go to facebook.com/ readersdigest for the chance Taking mini gift to finish the baskets to the next sentence.

local animal MAP BY 5W INFOGRAPHICS

shelter Largo, on Christmas Eve. Dogs get FL a biscuit and a squeaky toy, Corpus Christi, and cats get a catnip bundle. TX JENNIFER O’CONNOR

rd.com | 11•2015 | 31 PHOTO ESSAY

When soldiers fall or veterans pass away, this motorcycle group shows up to honor them Portraits of Patriots

PHOTOGRAPHS BY RICK WENNER

WITH ENGINES roaring and American flags waving, ten Patriot Guard Riders escorted the casket of Ret. Army Sgt. Ryan Dickinson from the service in Islip, New York, to a nearby cemetery. The riders then stood with flags raised while taps was played and Dickinson’s casket was lowered into a grave. The Patriot Guard Riders were honoring Dickinson as they have honored thousands of fallen U.S. military service people and first responders across the country since the organization launched in 2005. According to its website, Patriot Guards show up to demonstrate “respect for those who risk their lives for America’s freedom.” Photographer Rick Wenner was also there. Dickinson had been a family friend, who, at 26, died much too young. The interment “was an incredibly powerful moment,” says Wenner. As he watched, he thought of a way to thank the riders, both those in attendance and in their group, which stands 100,000 strong. A few months later, he photographed 50 Patriot Guard Riders as well as some of Dickinson’s family. Here are seven images from that photo series, the Patriot Guard Riders, which recently won an award for excellence in portrait photography.

32 | 11•2015 | rd.com “When I look at this flag, I’m proud of Ryan’s service but sad that this is all I have left of him.” HEATHER DICKINSON, wearing husband Ryan Dickinson’s Army fatigues PHOTO ESSAY

“The patches on my vest tell of my “The flags we hold are not love for our country and my respect decoration. We are honoring for our military.” someone who served this country.” KAREN WIRTH, PGR Long Island cocaptain L. W. MURPHY, PGR Long Island cocaptain

“Whether the funeral is for a soldier killed in action or a homeless veteran, I feel the same pride and honor.” NANCY GREENSEICH (left), PGR Long Island cocaptain. NEVAEH DICKINSON (right), seven, daughter of Ryan Dickinson.

34 | 11•2015 | rd.com DEREK QUINTANA, PGR member since 2011 Life IN THESE UNITED STATES

“Remember, I’ll do all the barking.”

MY FIVE-YEAR-OLD, Matt, worked I’D RATHER SPEND ten minutes with a speech therapist on the ch rearranging the dishwasher to sound, which came out k. The accommodate something than spend therapist asked him to say chicken. 30 seconds washing it by hand. He responded with kitchen. They @GOLDENGATEBLOND (SHAUNA) tried again and again, but it always came out kitchen. Undeterred, she THE FOOD AT THE sandwich shop pushed him for one more try. Matt I frequent is good, but any deviation sighed and said, “Why don’t we from the norm throws the staff. I just call it a duck?” once told a clerk that I wanted only PAMELA SPINNEY, Enosburg Falls, Vermont half a sandwich. His reply: “What am

36 | 11•2015 | rd.com ILLUSTRATION BY MICK STEVENS I going to do with the other half?” A week later, when I told another clerk ? the same thing, she responded, “Do you want the top or the bottom?” TAKE THE QUIZ CAROLE HOLDER, Norman, Oklahoma Which headlines are real? HERE’S A GUIDE to American 1. Man Arrested After Harassing culture for Russians visiting the U.S., Couple in Car He Thought Was straight from Russian tour books: an Alien Spaceship ■ “Women play a greater role in business. Often they insist to be 2. Justice at Last: This Man Spent 38 Years in Prison for treated exactly as an equal and not a Crime He Didn’t Commit, as a lady.” so Now They’re Letting Him ■ “As a rule, the [social] invitation Commit That Crime! will be only on a weekend, and you don’t have to prepare for something 3. Panda in Taiwanese Zoo extravagant. Everything is the same Accused of Faking Pregnancy to Get Better Living Conditions as ours, only with far less booze.” ■ “‘See you later’ should not be 4. Lexington Woman Being taken literally. That is a courtesy, Strangled with Bra Fights off and no more.” Source: Mental Floss Attacker with Ceramic Chicken

5. Online University Allows MY FRIEND at the singles club was Students to Amass Crippling blithely chatting away, oblivious Debt at Own Pace to the fact that her name tag had slipped down over her breast. I asked 6. School Mistakes Huge Burrito another friend if I should say some- for a Weapon thing to her. “Like what?” she asked. 7. Air Canada Passenger Gives “What she named the other one?” Birth at 35,000 Feet over MARCY SNAZA, Richfield, Minnesota Pacific Ocean During Flight to Japan; Is Immediately Billed $75 AND ONE FROM ABROAD: The last for an Extra Carry-on time we changed from daylight saving Answers: 1. fox16.com—Little Rock, Arkansas (Real); 2. Clickhole.com (Fake); 3. International Business time, a preacher friend posted, “For Times (Real); 4. WKYT—Lexington, Kentucky (Real); 5. The Onion (Fake); 6. USA Today (Real); those who habitually show up 15 7. Fark (Fake) minutes late to church, allow me to remind you that tonight is the night If we run your funny story, you’ll get you set your clock back 45 minutes.” $100: True or false? True! Go to page 9 MICHAEL STEPHENS, Ontario, Canada or rd.com/submit for details.

NOTE: Ads were removed from this edition. Please continue to page 42. While many factors affect heart disease, diets low in saturated fat and cholesterol may reduce the risk of heart disease. ®, TM, © 2015 Kellogg NA Co. ART of LIVING Protect Your Brain From Alzheimer’s New advances that are exciting scientists

BY KENNETH S. KOSIK, MD, WITH ALISA BOWMAN FROM THE BOOK OUTSMARTING ALZHEIMER’S

rd.com | 11•2015 | 43 PROTECT YOUR BRAIN FROM ALZHEIMER’S

WHEN PHYSICIAN Alois Breakthroughs Nobody Alzheimer came to examine her, Talks About Auguste Deter was sitting on a hospi- Auguste Deter’s story is unsettling. tal bed. Alzheimer asked, “What’s We wish Alzheimer’s disease had your name?” remained obscure. But in the United “Auguste,” answered the 51-year- States today, about 5.3 million old patient at a Frankfurt hospital. people have Alzheimer’s. That figure “Last name?” is expected to nearly triple by 2050. “Auguste,” she repeated. Alzheimer’s is a progressive, “What’s your husband’s name?” degenerative disorder in which “Auguste,” she said, sounding the brain’s cells become damaged, confused. “I think.” causing problems with memory, While Deter was eating cauliflower thinking, and speaking skills, as well and pork for lunch, Alzheimer asked, as changes in behavior. Plaques and “What are you eating?” tangles in the brain are the hallmark “Spinach,” Deter answered. features. Though new diagnostic tests “What are you doing?” he asked. allow us to see them, the imaging “Potatoes.” is expensive and not widely available. Alzheimer jotted down the For the majority of patients, doctors conversation word for word. At the diagnose Alzheimer’s based on time, in 1901, doctors had no term symptoms, once dementia has to describe Deter’s condition. When already started to set in. the woman died five years later, I’ve spent the past 25 years Alzheimer autopsied her brain and researching Alzheimer’s, first at examined it under a microscope. He Harvard Medical School and later at observed thick fibers, called tangles, the University of California, Santa that wrapped around the cells’ Barbara. As a neurologist, I’ve treated interiors, crushing their contents. He patients who already have a diagno- observed clumps of smooth plaques sis or who are at risk. I’ve watched that filled the space around the cells as fascinating research trends have and distorted their shape. unfolded. While studies have dashed Alzheimer referred to Deter’s our hopes over and over when it condition as “a serious disease of the comes to finding a drug or techno- cerebral cortex.” Other physicians logical treatment, on the other hand, began diagnosing the disease in a growing and impressive body of patients with similar symptoms. The research shows that lifestyle habits disease was ultimately named after can dramatically reduce your risk the physician who first described it. for developing the disease.

We know it as Alzheimer’s disease. Some of the most remarkable results ARCHIVE SAELINGER/TRUNK DAN PREVIOUS PAGE:

44 | 11•2015 | rd.com READER’S DIGEST came from Finnish and Swedish researchers just this past spring. For several years, they followed more than a thousand people (ages 60 to 77) at high risk for developing Alzheimer’s. Those who changed their habits to include nutritious eating, regular exercise, and intellectual pursuits performed at least 25 percent better on tests of memory, thinking, and problem solving than did other people who kept the same routine. This was enough to delay a dementia diag- nosis by two years and reduce the prevalence 25 percent. Had the interventions started earlier in life, the findings might have been even more dramatic. 30 minutes a session were less likely to develop Alzheimer’s disease, even Habits of People Who if the disease ran in their families, Prevent Dementia showed research from the University The evidence is clear: People who of Illinois at Urbana–Champaign. regularly do the following have TRY IT: Walk at least a mile every a lower risk of developing cognitive day. A simple walk—the kind you decline. might take with your dog in the morning or a partner after dinner— 1 THEY GET PHYSICAL delivers powerful brain benefits. If a medicine could protect A University of Pittsburgh study brain cells and encourage the birth found that those who walked just six of new ones, you’d want to know to nine miles a week had a greater about it, wouldn’t you? Well, that volume of gray matter in their brains drug exists. You don’t even need a when they were tested nine years prescription. Physical activity ranks later than those who walked less. as the most potent Alzheimer’s pro- TRY IT: Dance the night away. tection, study after study has found. A study done by the Albert Einstein People who exercised at least three College of Medicine in New York times a week for a minimum of 15 to City found that dance reduced risk

rd.com | 11•2015 | 45 PROTECT YOUR BRAIN FROM ALZHEIMER’S for dementia more than any other TRY IT: Spice things up. Herbs and type of physical activity—even more spices add flavor to food, allowing than doing crossword puzzles. If you you to cut back on butter, oil, and dance with a group or a partner, salt. Curry and turmeric contain the you’re being social; learning new antioxidant curcumin, which several steps improves intellectual fitness. studies show could help reduce the risk of Alzheimer’s disease (as well as 2 THEY EAT ANTIOXIDANT-RICH, that of cancer, arthritis, and depres- ANTI-INFLAMMATORY FOODS sion). Add them to scrambled eggs, No one best dietary pattern, food, or sprinkle them on roasted vegetables, supplement leads to or stir them into rice to optimum brain health. spice up a plain pilaf. Various diets from around the world pro- If you don’t 3 THEY MAKE TIME tect the brain. What constantly FOR FRIENDS they have in common: Warding off loneliness rich in plants, low in challenge your keeps your brain young, highly processed foods. brain to learn according to research For example, a diet new things, it from the Rush Alzheim- developed at Rush er’s Disease Center University Medical gets flabby. in Chicago. Older Center in Chicago adults who frequently lowered the risk of spent time with others— Alzheimer’s disease as much as being part of a book club or a card 53 percent over nearly five years. It game, having dinner dates with showcases ten brain-healthy foods their friends, visiting family—had (leafy greens, vegetables, nuts, a 70 percent lower rate of cognitive berries, beans, whole grains, fish, decline over 12 years than did poultry, olive oil, and wine) while seniors with fewer interactions. severely restricting red meat, butter TRY IT: Make new friends—at any and margarine, cheese, sweets and age. Research from the University desserts, fried food, and fast food. of Chicago found that many of us TRY IT: Start meals with a helping assume that meeting new people of veggies. In a study of 3,718 peo- and making connections is harder ple (ages 65 and older), those who than it actually is. When participants consumed more than four daily struck up conversations with strang- servings had a 40 percent slower rate ers seated next to them during their of cognitive decline than people who commutes, they felt better than had less than one daily serving. when they sat in solitude.

46 | 11•2015 | rd.com READER’S DIGEST

TRY IT: Throw dinner parties. De- drivers have an enlarged part of the ciding whom to invite, what to serve, hippocampus (a brain region that and who should sit next to whom helps process memory) compared forces your brain to make complex with non-taxi drivers and even bigger social decisions. Is Erica likely to get than bus drivers, who need to memo- along with Jessica? Ensuring dishes rize only a few possible routes. are ready when guests arrive requires TRY IT: Read to learn. Reading can strategic planning, a high-level skill. fill your mind with knowledge. This fuels what some brain scientists call 4 THEY EXERCISE THEIR BRAINS cognitive reserve, or a buffer against If you don’t challenge your dementia symptoms. As mild cogni- brain to learn new things—helping tive impairment begins, the theory kids with their homework, say, or goes, cognitive reserve allows you to assembling IKEA furniture—it gets lose more memories before the loss flabby. In one study, older adults affects your daily life. (Say you can’t who frequently did stimulating remember the word grouchy. A strong leisure activities were less likely to cognitive reserve means you’d drum develop dementia over 21 years, up grumpy or cranky.) Choose fiction compared with those who did so less and nonfiction; try new topics. Take often. Reading, playing board games, notes or highlight as you read to practicing musical instruments, and better recall details. working on puzzles at least several TRY IT: Learn how to draw, paint, times a week may encourage the or sculpt. Seniors who took up growth of new brain cells and con- painting, drawing, or sculpting were nections between them. Even people 73 percent less likely to develop mild who were carriers of a gene linked cognitive impairment over a period to Alzheimer’s postponed the devel- of four years than were people who opment of the disease by almost a did not engage in artistic activities, decade by immersing in intellectu- found a recent Mayo Clinic study. ally enriching activities throughout These activities encourage you to their lives. focus your attention. One reason we suspect brain work- outs are so powerful: taxi drivers in Protect your brain from London. To pass their driving tests, dementia with the three- taxi drivers have to memorize the week action plan and 75-plus tips in Outsmarting locations and names of 25,000 streets Alzheimer’s by Kenneth and 20,000 landmarks, along with S. Kosik, MD (Reader’s over 320 possible routes. Two major Digest, $19.99); outsmarting studies have found that London taxi alzheimers.com/RD.

rd.com | 11•2015 | 47 FOOD

Turn Thanksgiving disasters into mouthwatering creations Cook Your Way Out of It BY KELSEY KLOSS

CRISIS: Bone-Dry Turkey with 2 tablespoons melted butter, QUICK FIX: Heat 3 cups of turkey, sprinkle with ⅓ cup grated cheese chicken, or vegetable broth in the (such as Parmesan), and top gener- microwave. Carve the turkey and ously with ⅔ cup bread crumbs. Bake soak each piece in the warm broth at 400°F for 10 to 15 minutes or until for 3 seconds. Remove, shake off golden brown. excess, and serve with savory gravy. CRISIS: Scorched Asparagus CRISIS: Gluey Mashed Potatoes QUICK FIX: Scoop the most salvage- QUICK FIX: Mixed potatoes into a able pieces into a separate dish. sticky paste? Turn them into a casse- Offset the bitter, burned flavor by role. Spread the mashed potatoes in drizzling veggies with an acidic in-

an 8-by-8-inch baking dish, drizzle gredient such as lemon juice, orange (TURKEY) MCCOMBER/ISTOCK NICOLAS

48 | 11•2015 | rd.com ILLUSTRATION BY PETER ARKLE juice, or vinegar. Toss to mix. Another return it to the oven—the heat will option: Highlight the burned flavor draw out moisture and make the by sprinkling with Cajun or Creole meat saltier). Slice thinly to serve. seasoning. CRISIS: Mushy Brussels Sprouts CRISIS: Soggy Stuffing QUICK FIX: For veggies that are more QUICK FIX: Fold in a few pieces of mush than masterpiece, puree in a corn bread. Mix until you reach the food processor. Raid your fridge for desired dryness. If it becomes too spreadable cheese—such as ricotta dry, add 1 cup of chicken broth for or cream cheese—and fold into the every 4 cups of stuffing; allow to soak puree to taste for texture. Add a for 1 minute before adding more. squeeze of lemon juice for brightness. Use as an appetizer dip for crudités, or CRISIS: Flavorless Gravy spread on leftover turkey sandwiches. QUICK FIX: Season with bay leaves, thyme, salt, and pepper. Stir in a CRISIS: Bitter Cranberry Sauce tablespoon of fruity white wine (such QUICK FIX: Resist adding granulated as Chardonnay) for a bright, floral sugar—you won’t get the full effect flavor. Bring to a simmer for 3 min- unless you reheat the sauce and the utes or until fragrant. sugar dissolves. Instead, start by stirring in 1 tablespoon maple syrup CRISIS: Limp Salad and 1 teaspoon of a sweet drink like QUICK FIX: If the salad is soggy, apple juice, orange juice, or fruity there could be too much dressing. white or red wine. Add more to taste. Place only the leaves in a salad spin- Sprinkle with a pinch of salt (in small ner or shake in a colander to draw amounts, it intensifies sweetness). out excess moisture. Mix back into the salad bowl with fresh, undressed CRISIS: Soupy Apple Pie greens for extra crunch. QUICK FIX: Runny pie is the result of too little thickener or too-juicy CRISIS: Salty Ham apples. Make apple-pie sundaes in- QUICK FIX: If the first piece you slice stead: Puree the filling in a blender. is overbearingly salty, glaze the rest Lightly pour over vanilla ice cream, of the ham with sweet flavor. In a and top with whipped cream, cher- medium bowl, combine 1 cup honey ries, nuts, and other tasty garnishes. with 3 to 4 tablespoons orange juice, Sources: Brian Adornetto, chef and owner of Love at First Bite, a private chef business in North Carolina; Derrick apple juice, or pineapple juice. Vig- Davenport, executive chef for the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff; Beth Vlasich Pav, personal chef and founder orously whisk, then baste the ham of Beth Pav’s Cooking by Design, a culinary website; foodreference.about.com; realsimple.com; finecooking.com; with the glaze before serving (don’t allrecipes.com; eatingwell.com

rd.com | 11•2015 | 49 TECH

Seriously, Listen to Your Voice Maıl BY LESLIE HORN FROM WNYC

HOW YOU FEEL about voice you a casserole or how you ended mail is largely generational. People up with four tubes of waterproof who haven’t hit 40 don’t get why mascara. But in what felt like a time their parents don’t just text or let warp, I somehow found some struc- a missed call speak for itself. In some ture in voice mail. cases, it’s an argument of etiquette: Right after my dad died, my phone Some say voice mail is obnoxious, started ringing and didn’t stop for while others believe it’s rude not to about a month. I could text, but leave one. It’s actually neither. Voice I couldn’t really talk on the phone. mail is great. Voice mail is essential. You can say thank you only so many My dad died unexpectedly last times before you start to feel insin- July. After a death, events keep cere. But people wanted to speak to tumbling at you in a steady deluge, me. And people left me voice mails. and you can’t pause to take stock of I didn’t listen to them immediately,

what’s happening or who brought but they were there as a de facto HALLEY RESOURCES FOR GUIDO-LAAKSO SARAH PROP STYLIST:

50 | 11•2015 | rd.com PHOTOGRAPH BY CLAIRE BENOIST comfort when I needed some. Unlike good to hear someone’s voice. E-mail whatever ephemeral technology is great and texting is fine, but it takes we’re obsessed with for five minutes, effort to pick up the phone. Typing my voice mails didn’t disappear and talking have an inverse relation- after one listen—you actually have ship: As it’s gotten easier to write to really want to delete voice mails to your feelings, it’s gotten more difficult get rid of them. They’re indelible. to speak them. Even if your feelings People also say things in a voice are “I was just calling to say hello.” mail that they won’t That means something. say in person. It gives My dad must have them the ability to E-mail is great known that. He had ramble without re- an entire calendar full sponse, and for all the and texting is of hundreds of people times you’ve listened fine, but it takes he would call on their to an uninterrupted, birthdays and sing stream-of-consciousness effort to pick up “Happy Birthday to voice mail, hoping for the phone. You.” If you picked up, someone to get to the he’d sing your ear off. point, one day you re- If you screened, he’d alize it’s wonderful. People don’t sing it to your voice mail. know what to say in sensitive situa- Since Dad died, I’ve had untold tions. Left to their own devices on numbers of people approach me a voice mail, though, they’ll find and tell me they had messages from their way to the right words. my dad on their phones singing While it was my dad’s death that them happy birthday. Happy birth- made me realize voice mail’s value, day to Mark! Happy birthday to it has a broader worth. Voice mail is Suzanne! Happy birthday to people the default archive of your life. You I don’t know from Adam! Shoot, I’d would miss it if it were gone! think every time, why didn’t I listen to One time, my roommate called my voice mails more? Then one day, me pretending to be my dog. (“I’m I poked around in my Deleted folder standing right by your door right and found my dad’s happy-birthday now, wishing you would come message from last year, saved. I outside and just pet me for a little hadn’t meant to save it, but there it while.”) Saved it. There’s also the was: “Hi, Leslie. I have something occasional drunk dial. I love a good very important to tell you: I love you! drunk dial. I love you, and I hope you’re having Another truth: Sometimes it’s just a great day. Bye-bye.”

rd.com | 11•2015 | 51 Is your BLADDER calling the shots?

Talk to your doctor about Myrbetriq® (mirabegron), approved by the FDA to treat overactive bladder (OAB) symptoms of:

Urgency Frequency Leakage

In clinical trials, those taking Myrbetriq made fewer trips to the bathroom and had fewer leaks than those not taking Myrbetriq. Your results may vary.

TAKING CHARGE OF YOUR OAB SYMPTOMS STARTS WITH TALKING TO YOUR DOCTOR. Visit Myrbetriq.com for doctor discussion tips. Ask your doctor if Myrbetriq may be right for you, and see if you can get your ﬁ rst prescription at no cost.* *Subject to eligibility. Restrictions may apply.

IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION Myrbetriq is not for everyone. Do not use Myrbetriq if you have an allergy to mirabegron or any ingredients in Myrbetriq.

Please see additional Important Safety Information on next page. USE OF MYRBETRIQ (meer-BEH-trick) Myrbetriq® (mirabegron) is a prescription medicine for adults used to treat overactive bladder (OAB) with symptoms of urgency, frequency and leakage. IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION (continued) Myrbetriq may cause your blood pressure to increase or make your blood pressure worse if you have a history of high blood pressure. It is recommended that your doctor check your blood pressure while you are taking Myrbetriq. Myrbetriq may increase your chances of not being able to empty your bladder. Tell your doctor right away if you have trouble emptying your bladder or you have a weak urine stream. Myrbetriq may cause allergic reactions that may be serious. If you experience swelling of the face, lips, throat or tongue, with or without difﬁ culty breathing, stop taking Myrbetriq and tell your doctor right away.

Tell your doctor about all the medicines you take including medications for overactive bladder or other medicines such as thioridazine (Mellaril™ and Mellaril-S™), ﬂ ecainide (Tambocor®), propafenone (Rythmol®), digoxin (Lanoxin®). Myrbetriq may affect the way other medicines work, and other medicines may affect how Myrbetriq works.

Before taking Myrbetriq, tell your doctor if you have liver or kidney problems. In clinical studies, the most common side effects seen with Myrbetriq included increased blood pressure, common cold symptoms (nasopharyngitis), urinary tract infection and headache.

For further information, please talk to your healthcare professional and see Brief Summary of Prescribing Information for Myrbetriq® (mirabegron) on the following pages. You are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit www.fda.gov/medwatch or call 1-800-FDA-1088.

Myrbetriq® is a registered trademark of Astellas Pharma Inc. All other trademarks or registered trademarks are the property of their respective owners. ©2015 Astellas Pharma US, Inc. All rights reserved. Printed in USA. 057-0586-PM Myrbetriq® (mirabegron) extended-release tablets 25 mg, 50 mg Brief Summary based on FDA-approved patient labeling Read the Patient Information that comes with Myrbetriq® (mirabegron) before you start taking it and HDFKWLPH\RXJHWDUH¿OO7KHUHPD\EHQHZLQIRUPDWLRQ7KLVVXPPDU\GRHVQRWWDNHWKHSODFHRI WDONLQJZLWK\RXUGRFWRUDERXW\RXUPHGLFDOFRQGLWLRQRUWUHDWPHQW What is Myrbetriq (meer-BEH-trick)? 0\UEHWULT LV D SUHVFULSWLRQ PHGLFDWLRQ IRU adults XVHG WR WUHDW WKH IROORZLQJ V\PSWRPV GXH WR D FRQGLWLRQFDOOHGoveractive bladder: ŭ XUJHXULQDU\LQFRQWLQHQFHDVWURQJQHHGWRXULQDWHZLWKOHDNLQJRUZHWWLQJDFFLGHQWV • urgency: a strong need to urinate right away • frequency: urinating often ,WLVQRWNQRZQLI0\UEHWULTLVVDIHDQGHIIHFWLYHLQFKLOGUHQ Who should not use Myrbetriq? 'RQRWXVH0\UEHWULTLI\RXKDYHDQDOOHUJ\WRPLUDEHJURQRUDQ\RIWKHLQJUHGLHQWVLQ0\UEHWULT6HH WKHHQGRIWKLVOHDÀHWIRUDFRPSOHWHOLVWRILQJUHGLHQWVLQ0\UEHWULT What is overactive bladder? 2YHUDFWLYHEODGGHURFFXUVZKHQ\RXFDQQRWFRQWURO\RXUEODGGHUFRQWUDFWLRQV:KHQWKHVHPXVFOH FRQWUDFWLRQVKDSSHQWRRRIWHQRUFDQQRWEHFRQWUROOHG\RXFDQJHWV\PSWRPVRIRYHUDFWLYHEODGGHU ZKLFKDUHXULQDU\IUHTXHQF\XULQDU\XUJHQF\DQGXULQDU\LQFRQWLQHQFH OHDNDJH What should I tell my doctor before taking Myrbetriq? %HIRUH\RXWDNH0\UEHWULTWHOO\RXUGRFWRULI\RX ŭ KDYHOLYHUSUREOHPVRUNLGQH\SUREOHPV ŭ KDYHYHU\KLJKXQFRQWUROOHGEORRGSUHVVXUH ŭ KDYHWURXEOHHPSW\LQJ\RXUEODGGHURU\RXKDYHDZHDNXULQHVWUHDP ŭ DUHSUHJQDQWRUSODQWREHFRPHSUHJQDQW,WLVQRWNQRZQLI0\UEHWULTZLOOKDUP\RXUXQERUQEDE\ 7DONWR\RXUGRFWRULI\RXDUHSUHJQDQWRUSODQWREHFRPHSUHJQDQW ŭ DUHEUHDVWIHHGLQJRUSODQWREUHDVWIHHG,WLVQRWNQRZQLI0\UEHWULTSDVVHVLQWR\RXUEUHDVWPLON

Myrbetriq® LV D UHJLVWHUHG WUDGHPDUN RI $VWHOODV 3KDUPD ,QF $OO RWKHU WUDGHPDUNV RU UHJLVWHUHG WUDGHPDUNVDUHWKHSURSHUW\RIWKHLUUHVSHFWLYHRZQHUV ů$VWHOODV3KDUPD86,QF 5HYLVHG-XO\ )0,5%5)6 30 ALL IN A Day’s Work

“It hurts when I do this, Doctor.”

NEW YORK TIMES writer Amy appreciative. One student paid me Chozick giving an example of what the ultimate compliment when she it was like working for a fashion mag- said, “You teach English good.” An- azine: “A girl got on [the elevator] other assured me, “I will always forget with a Birkin bag, and her friend you.” And a third insisted, “I thank goes, ‘Oh, my God, I love your bag; you from the heart of my bottom.” is that new?’ and she goes, ‘No, I got ELLEN ISRAEL, Alamo, California it, like, a week ago.’” Source: cosmopolitan.com A MAN CALLED, furious about an MY ESL (English as a second lan- Orlando, Florida, vacation package guage) students try so hard and are so we had booked for him: He was

56 | 11•2015 | rd.com ILLUSTRATION BY J. C. DUFFY expecting an ocean-view hotel room. I explained that was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. “Don’t lie to me,” he said. HONEST LINKEDIN “I looked on the map, and Florida is a RECOMMENDATIONS very thin state.” Source: hotelstories.freeservers.com ■ Greg is a rare mix of faux I SENT A REMINDER to a client that intelligence and stalled ambi- it was time to visit the eye doctor. tion. Just when you think he’s He called back to inform me that he completely checked out during would not be coming in because, as a meeting, he’ll ask a rhetorical he put it, “I have a new obstetrician.” question padded with corporate buzzwords or look up from his SARAH PARCHERT, Hoschton, Georgia phone to restate something we already know. A mediocre AN AD FOR a hedge clipper that addition to any company! I had to read twice: “A built-in safety ■ I’ve had the great fortune of switch prevents accidental starting, having my bathroom schedule and blades will stop when you take synced with Maria’s for over two one hand off.” years. Every time we see each MICHAEL GOLDSTONE, Manchester, England other in there, we smile and shake our heads, as if to say, “Here we HERE’S SOME ADVICE: At a job are again! Peeing at the same interview, tell them you’re willing to time!” I think she’s also responsi- give 110 percent. Unless the job is a ble for the internal newsletter? statistician. Comedian ADAM GROPMAN ■ John and I worked together for more than four years. In that A WELSH POLITICIAN asked the time, I was always impressed by government for information about his ability to take many more vacation and personal days than UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO were allotted. All in all, he’s a real research. Officials wrote back, “jang wizard at staying employed. vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ ■ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, How can I sum up Judy in just one paragraph? I can’t, because “The minister will reply in due course. she will probably rewrite it. However, this is a non-devolved A brilliant micromanager and matter,” in Klingon. Source: bbc.com leader of team anxiety, she never met a project she didn’t want to take over. Anything funny happen to you at work KENDRA EASH, in the New Yorker lately? It could be worth $100. For details, see page 9 or go to rd.com/submit.

rd.com | 11•2015 | 57 HEALTH

When to Say No To an Antibıotics Prescription FROM CONSUMER REPORTS ON HEALTH

DESPITE ALL OUR knowledge that antibiotics don’t kill viruses and the undeniable risk of overuse to public and personal health, doctors routinely prescribe antibiotics when the drugs aren’t necessary, found a recent Consumer Reports survey of 1,000 adults. This can lead to the growth of “superbugs”—bacteria that can’t be controlled even with multiple drugs—and serious consequences. MRSA and other resistant bacteria infect at least two million people in the United States annually, killing at PROP STYLIST: ROBIN FINLAY PROP STYLIST: least 23,000. Several major medical organizations, including the American Academy of Family Physicians and the

58 | 11•2015 | rd.com PHOTOGRAPH BY ADAM VOORHES American Academy of Pediatrics, procedures and can irritate your eyes. have recently tried to correct WHEN TO SAY YES If you develop antibiotic misuse by explaining when a bacterial eye infection, marked by the drugs are and aren’t needed. redness, swelling, tearing, pus, and impaired vision. Ear infections WHEN TO SAY NO Most ear Respiratory infections infections improve without drugs, WHEN TO SAY NO Colds, flu, and especially in children two and older. most coughs and cases of bronchitis Wait two to three days to see if are caused by viruses. Strep throat is symptoms subside. bacterial but accounts for only about WHEN TO SAY YES Drugs may be one third of cases in children. If you needed right away for babies six suspect strep, get tested to find out months and younger with ear pain, for sure. children from six months to two WHEN TO SAY YES If a cough lasts years with moderate to severe ear longer than 14 days or a strep test pain, and children two and older comes back positive. with severe symptoms. Sinus infections Eczema WHEN TO SAY NO Sinusitis is WHEN TO SAY NO Antibiotics don’t usually viral. Bacterial sinus infec- relieve most causes of itchy, red skin. tions often clear up in a week Instead, moisturize or ask your or so even if they are not treated. doctor to recommend a medicated WHEN TO SAY YES If symptoms cream or ointment. are severe, don’t improve after ten WHEN TO SAY YES If there are days, or get better but then worsen. signs of a bacterial infection, such as bumps or sores full of pus, honey- Urinary tract infections colored crusting, very red or warm WHEN TO SAY NO For older patients, skin, and fever. particularly those who live in long- term-care facilities, doctors often Eye infections prescribe antibiotics when a routine WHEN TO SAY NO Doctors often test finds bacteria in urine. But if prescribe prophylactic antibiotic patients don’t have symptoms, the eyedrops after treating eye diseases, drugs won’t help. such as macular degeneration, WHEN TO SAY YES You have symp- with injections. But antibiotic toms: burning during urination and drops are rarely needed after such a strong urge to “go” often.

rd.com | 11•2015 | 59 HEALTH

CHILI Stop Eating 1 cup Wolf Brand Stop & Drop Chili No Beans Start Eating 1 cup Campbell’s Chunky The Weight: Beef & Bean Roadhouse Chili Best Soups! Drop: 160 calories, 22 grams fat BY LIZ VACCARIELLO

VEGETABLE SOUPS SOUP IS A successful dieter’s Stop Eating 1 cup Panera secret weapon. A 2014 study found Vegetarian Creamy regular soup eaters have smaller Tomato Soup waists and weigh less than people Start Eating 1 cup Panera who don’t eat soup. Typically, Low-Fat Vegetarian Garden broth-based soups are your best Vegetable Soup bet to keep calories in check, but if with Pesto you’re craving something heartier, Drop: a few tricks can make this warm 240 calories, comfort food part of any healthy 19.5 grams lifestyle. Eat your favorite soups, fat but look for those with low-fat milk or low-sodium broth to keep weight CLAM CHOWDER loss on track. Bonus: Add your own Stop Eating 1 cup Legal Sea vegetables for slimming fiber. Foods Refrigerated New England Clam Chowder On the Stop & Drop CAMPBELL SOUP COMPANY COURTESY Start Eating Diet, you stop eating the unhealthy versions 1 cup Progresso of the foods you love Traditional New so you can drop up England Clam to five pounds in five Chowder days. Learn more about Drop: the book’s meal plans and 21-day course, 70 calories, in which author Liz Vaccariello coaches you via videos and tips, exclusively at 9 grams fat

stopanddropdiet.com/book. & DROP DIET. STOP COURTESY

60 | 11•2015 | rd.com

What Your Hands Reveal HEALTH About Your Health About cancer. ofprostatea higherrisk women—but ships with children andbetterrelation- is associatedhaving with more thesecondtrimester) surge during cating anin-utero testosterone finger(indi- significantly longerring gression inbothgenders. In men,a higher athletic abilityandverbalag- The samefeature has beenlinkedto estrogenLow levelsmay beafactor. to anArthritis&Rheumatism intheknees,osteoarthritis according a male trait, are aslikelytohave twice ger than theirindexfingers, typically Women fingersthat ring with are lon- Finger length: BY THEPHYSICIANS OFTHEDOCTORS Doctor’s Orders ARTHRITIS RISK study. Shaky hands: A tremor injust can be onehand to seeyourdoctoriftheissuerecurs. antidepressants. But it’s agoodidea medications likeasthmaand drugs caffeine orasideeffectofcertain of somethingassimpletoomuch Trembling hands couldbetheresult PARKINSON’S DISEASE

TRUNK ARCHIVE a first symptom of Parkinson’s Sweaty palms: HYPERHIDROSIS disease, or it can indicate essential Overly clammy hands may be a tremor, a disorder that causes symptom of menopause or thyroid uncontrollable shaking (treatable conditions, as well as hyperhidrosis, with therapy or medication). in which overactive sweat glands cause far more perspiration than Nail color: KIDNEY DISEASE necessary. Most people with the When Indian researchers studied 100 condition sweat from only one or patients with chronic kidney disease, two parts of the body, such as the they found that 36 percent had half- armpits, palms, or feet. A doctor and-half nails (the bottom of a nail may prescribe a strong antiperspi- is white and the top is brown). The rant to decrease sweat production. nail condition may be caused by an increased concentration of certain Fingerprints: HIGH hormones and chronic anemia, both BLOOD PRESSURE traits of chronic kidney disease. See When British research- your doctor right away if you notice ers studied 139 finger- half-and-half nails or a dark, vertical prints, they found that WHORL stripe beneath the nail bed—this can people with a whorl be hidden melanoma, a skin cancer. (spiral) pattern on one or more fingers Grip strength: HEART HEALTH were more likely A weak grip predicts a higher risk to have high blood of heart attack or stroke and lower pressure than people ARCH chances of survival, according to with arches or loops. a new Lancet study of nearly 140,000 The more fingers with adults in 17 countries. Grip strength whorls a participant was a better predictor of death than had, the higher his was blood pressure. Researchers say or her blood pressure LOOP grip strength is a marker of overall was. Fingertip whorls muscle strength and fitness, and are markers of fetal development they recommend whole-body strength problems during certain stages of training and aerobic exercise to pregnancy, which may affect blood reduce heart disease risk. pressure later in life.

YOUR DAILY DOSE The health teams at The Doctors and Reader’s Digest partner monthly to prescribe feel-great advice. Check local listings to watch the hit show every day. GETTY IMAGES

rd.com | 11•2015 | 63 NEWS FROM THE World of Medicine

BY KELSEY KLOSS

Drink This Before Driving 31 patients with cirrhosis than it Mild dehydration may increase was in healthy participants. People driver inattention and compromise with cirrhosis (liver scarring) are safety as much as alcohol does. unable to fully metabolize limonene, A small Loughborough University which is then stored in body fat. study tracked men during two simu- Researchers are now working to lated driving tests. In one test, they develop a small portable breath test. drank large amounts of water the day before and the day of the test. What Your Favorite Song In another, they had limited water Says About Your Brain both days. When dehydrated, the In a study published in the journal men made 101 minor driving errors PLOS One, 4,500 participants (comparable to a blood-alcohol level completed psychology-based of 0.08 percent) but questionnaires only 47 errors when and rated up to hydrated. 50 songs. Those who scored high Breath Test for on empathy pre- Liver Disease ferred gentle, sad It is difficult to music with string detect liver disease, instruments— but a breath test think Jeff Buckley’s that identifies a rendition of compound found “Hallelujah.” in oranges and Systemizers (those lemons may help who focus on rules) doctors diagnose it preferred high- sooner. In a British energy, percussive study, the com- music—like the pound, limonene, song “Enter was higher in the Sandman” by

breath samples of Metallica. ROBIN FINLAY PROP STYLIST:

64 | 11•2015 | rd.com PHOTOGRAPH BY ADAM VOORHES A Superfood That changes. Forty percent of gastric Tastes like Bacon bypass patients and 29 percent of You no longer have to dream. Oregon those who received a gastric band State University researchers have went into remission from diabetes. created and patented a new strain of None in the lifestyle group did. seaweed—a red marine algae called Study authors credit success not to dulse—that looks like red lettuce, is weight loss but to anatomy changes packed with B vitamins (except B12) of the stomach and intestines, which and minerals like iron and calcium, produce hormones that affect insulin and that can have up to 27 percent regulation. protein content when dried. The taste of fried dulse resembles that Scientists Fish for of bacon. Researchers are teaming New Sunscreen with chefs to incorporate dulse into Ignore the ick factor: A molecule food products you may see in your found in algae and reef fish mucus supermarket in 2016. could be the newest safeguard against ultraviolet radiation. The Don’t Judge a Pill by agent protects marine life from the Its Color sun’s rays, according to a report in In a Chinese study, 358 participants the journal Applied Materials & viewed photos of the same pills Interfaces. In lab tests, it was more in ten colors and rated them on effective than traditional sunscreen anticipated traits. They rated blue compounds. Researchers are now pills as least bitter and red pills as developing it into gels and creams. most stimulating. They rated green tablets as least effective at treating Your Heart on a headaches and white tablets as most Southern Diet effective. This could affect how likely Love southern food? Watch how you are to stick to a medication; much you eat. In a new Circulation related research found heart disease study of 17,000 adults, the southern patients were less likely to take diet—rich in eggs, fried food, sugary meds after a pill-color change. beverages, and organ meats—was linked to a 56 percent increase of Can Surgery Cure coronary heart disease. It is common Diabetes? in what experts call the Stroke Belt, In a study published in JAMA states such as North Carolina, Surgery, 61 obese adults with diabe- Virginia, and Mississippi, where tes received one of two surgeries stroke death rates are 10 percent or made major diet and lifestyle higher than the national average.

NOTE: Ads were removed from this edition. Please continue to page 72. COVER STORY FUNNY J O FAVOK

Forty-four gags that make laugh makers laugh every time

EDITED BY MATTY SIMMONS

72 | 11•2015 | rd.com ILLUSTRATIONS BY QUICKHONEY PE PLE’S KRITEE S !

WHEN PEOPLE HEAR THAT I founded National Lampoon and produced Animal House and the Vacation films, they always make the same demand: “Say something funny!” So I tell them about the time I ran into the comedian Henny Youngman at the racetrack. “Henny, how are you doing?” I asked. He said, “Matty, I bet on the politest horse ever. He let all the other horses go in front of him.” I invited my favorite comedians, funny actors, and humorists from over the decades to share a joke or a quote that cracks them up. Let’s see if their gags are funnier than mine.

rd.com | 11•2015 | 73 FUNNY PEOPLE’S FAVORITE JOKES

A GUY GOES ICE FISHING for the TWO PIRATES, Morty and Sol, meet very first time. All of a sudden, he in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, hears a voice. “There are no fish under a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg the ice!” He ignores it and moves to leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. another area, cuts a hole, and tosses “What happened to ya?” his line in. Again, he hears the boom- Sol says, “Me pirate ship was at- ing voice: “There are no fish under tacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me the ice!” leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.” He nervously looks up and asks, “And yer hand?” asks Marty. “Lord? Is that you?” “When me ship sank, a shark bit me “No, this is the rink manager!” hand off. So now I got me a hook.” Six-time Emmy Award–winning actress “OK, but what’s with the eye patch?” ALLISON JANNEY, who stars in Mom (CBS) “I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right Friends of an old guy hire a lady of in me eye.” the evening for his 90th birthday. “But ya don’t go blind from She arrives at his door, throws no seagull poop.” open her coat, and shouts, “I’m “True,” says Sol. “But it was here to give you super sex!” me first day with the hook.” The old man thinks a second JASON ALEXANDER, who played and says, “I’ll take the soup.” George on Seinfeld and recently appeared on Broadway in JANE LYNCH, who played Sue Sylvester A Fish in the Dark on Glee and stars in Angel from Hell (CBS)

“HERE’S ALL YOU have to know “I LIKE AN ESCALATOR because an about men and women: Women are escalator can never break. It can only crazy ... Men are stupid. And the main become stairs. There would never be reason women are crazy is that men an Escalator Temporarily Out of Order are stupid.” sign, only Escalator Temporarily Stairs.” ROD MAN, who won Last Comic Standing COLE BOLTON, editor in chief of the Onion, in 2014, quoting “a simple but great quoting Mitch Hedberg one from George Carlin”

THE ONLY COW in a cow and produce more buy this cow from Minsk?” small Russian village cows like it. But the cow “You are truly wise,” stopped giving milk, wanted nothing to do said the townspeople. so the villagers went to with the bull, constantly “How did you know?” Minsk and bought a new moving away every time The rabbi answered one. The cow produced Ferdinand approached. sadly, “Because my wife lots of milk, and the So the people asked their is from Minsk.” people were so happy, wise rabbi what to do. JOHN LANDIS, who directed they decided to buy a After some reflection, Animal House, Trading Places, bull to mate with the the rabbi asked, “Did you and The Blues Brothers

74 | 11•2015 | rd.com READER’S DIGEST

René Descartes was at a party when the waiter asked if he would care for an hors d’oeuvre. Descartes said, “I think not” ... and disappeared. AASIF MANDVI, a correspondent on The Daily Show and the author of No Land’s Man

SCENE: From the TV show Parks and “LAST NIGHT, I blew 5,000 bucks Recreation. Ron Swanson, a manly on a reincarnation seminar. I figured, and prodigious eater, has told a What the hell; you only live once.” coworker that the hot dog/hamburger Comedian JONATHAN KATZ, who starred stand in the bowling alley is his favorite in the animated sitcom Dr. Katz, restaurant. Professional Therapist, quoting Ronnie Coworker: “Really? Aren’t you scared Shakes, “one of Carson’s favorites” to eat there?” IN HEAVEN, Ron Swanson: “When I eat, it is the there were two huge food that is scared.” signs. The first read, Men Who Did MIKE SCHUR, cocreator of Parks and What Their Wives Told Them to Do. Recreation and Brooklyn Nine-Nine The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. WE WEREN’T very religious. On The second sign stated, Men Who Did Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah What They Wanted to Do. Only one on a dimmer. man stood under that sign. Intrigued, Comedian RICHARD LEWIS, who costarred St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one in Curb Your Enthusiasm and is the has ever stood under this sign. Tell me author of Reflections from Hell about yourself.” The man shrugged and said, “Not much to say; my wife A FRUGAL WIDOW goes to told me to stand here.” the newspaper to take out an OSCAR NUÑEZ, who played obituary notice for her late Oscar Martinez on The Office husband. “How much?” she asks A SKELETON the fellow behind the counter. walks into a bar. “One dollar per word,” The bartender says, “What’ll he says. you have?” The skeleton She says, “Make it says, “Gimme a beer and ‘MacGregor died.’” Why did a mop.” JOHN GOODMAN (Roseanne, “It’s a five-word minimum.” the horses get Argo, The Big Lebowski) and a divorce? She nearly faints but DAN AYKROYD (Ghostbusters, collects herself. “Very well, They didn’t The Blues Brothers) both sent make it ‘MacGregor died. have a stable us this gag, which happened to Volvo for sale.’” relationship. be featured on our May cover. Humorist CHRISTOPHER Comedian Said Goodman, “Not only is this BUCKLEY, whose book The Relic GILBERT the only clean joke I know, but Master comes out in December GOTTFRIED it’s the only joke I know.”

rd.com | 11•2015 | 75 FUNNY PEOPLE’S FAVORITE JOKES

Setup: A Mad magazine parody of Dennis the Menace. In the one-panel cartoon, Dennis is bursting into the room to proudly show a human skull to his parents. He yells, “Hey, Mom! Look what I found in Mr. Wilson’s head!” “I don’t know why it struck me as so funny. I guess when I was a kid, I had never before seen anything so aggressively dark and weird,” says “WEIRD AL” YANKOVIC, whose Mandatory World Tour resumes December 28 in Australia and continues in North America in the spring.

“MY BOYFRIEND and I broke up. He “MY FATHER WAS a night watchman, wanted to get married, and I didn’t but he was a victim of technology. He want him to.” was replaced by a lock.” COMEDIAN JOE DEVITO, who was a regular COLIN QUINN, a Saturday Night Live on Chelsea Lately, quoting Rita Rudner alum, quoting Stu Trivax; Quinn costarred alongside Amy Schumer and Bill Hader A HOLLYWOOD STARLET tells her this past summer in Trainwreck. doctor that her body hurts all over. “Show me,” says the doctor. A MAN COMES TO Mrs. Smith’s door So she pokes her forearm and and says, “There’s been an accident at screams in pain. Then she touches her the brewery. Your husband fell into thigh and screams again. She pokes a vat of beer and drowned.” her toe and screams. Mrs. Smith wails, “Oh, the poor man! “I think I know what the problem is,” He never had a chance!” he says. “You have a broken finger.” The man says, “I don’t know about JON RAPPAPORT, who was the head writer that. He got out three times to go to of the TV show M*A*S*H the bathroom.” MICHAEL REISS, Emmy Award–winning TWO RACEHORSES are in the writer and producer of stable. One says to the other, The Simpsons “You know, before that last race—” “The one that you won?” I met a beautiful girl last night, asks the other horse. “Yeah; but she was rather thin. I mean, before that last race, I felt a pinch this was a skinny girl. She turned in my hindquarters.” The other sideways, you didn’t see her. I took horse says, “Funny, I felt a pinch in her to a restaurant and the maître d’ my hindquarters before the race that said to me, “Check your umbrella?” I won.” A dog walking by says, “You Writer/director MEL BROOKS. “This joke idiots; you’re being doped. They’re is very, very cheap,” he told us. “I love it injecting you with a drug to make you because it’s typical of a borscht belt run faster!” One horse turns to the opening monologue, the kind a Jackie or other and says, “Hey, a talking dog!” a Bernie would tell. In fact, that was my PENN JILLETTE, the tall, chatty half of opening joke when I played the Catskills.” the comedy and magic duo Penn & Teller

76 | 11•2015 | rd.com READER’S DIGEST

A TIMID LITTLE MAN asleep, and he couldn’t brute’s eyes flew open. was seated in the win- figure out how to get The timid man smiled dow seat of an airplane past him to the bath- and said in a shaky voice, next to a scowling brute room. And then it was “Feeling better now?” of a guy. The little man too late; he got sick all ARTHUR HILLER, was terrified of flying, over the big guy. award-winning director of and as soon as the plane As he frantically wiped the tearjerker Love Story took off, he felt sick. But up the mess, careful not and also director of the his seatmate was fast to wake the giant, the classic comedy The In-Laws

DARLING, you’ve always I said, “Me too! What been with me on life’s long, franchise?” bumpy ride. He said, “Baptist.” Through sickness, hair loss, I said, “Me too! Northern bankruptcy, Baptist or Southern You’ve been here by my side. Baptist?” My heart attack and the He said, “Northern house burning down, Baptist.” That night the lightning “I bought I said, “Me too! Northern struck. a dog the Conservative Baptist or And liver cancer—and now other day. Northern Liberal Baptist?” suddenly, I named him He said, “Northern I’m starting to think that Stay. It’s fun to Conservative Baptist.” you’re bad luck. call him. ‘Come I said, “Me too! Northern Comedian ERICA RHODES, here, Stay! Conservative Baptist Great who appears on Garrison Come here, Lakes Region or Northern Keillor’s A Prairie Home Stay!’ He went Conservative Baptist Companion. “My uncle told insane.” Eastern Region?” this to me over dinner, and CARROT TOP, He said, “Northern I laughed so hard.” quoting Steven Conservative Baptist Great Wright Lakes Region.” ONCE I SAW THIS GUY on I said, “Me too! Northern a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t Conservative Baptist Great Lakes do it!” Region Council of 1879 or Northern He said, “Nobody loves me.” Conservative Baptist Great Lakes I said, “God loves you. Do you believe Region Council of 1912?” in God?” He said, “Northern Conservative He said, “Yes.” Baptist Great Lakes Region Council I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” of 1912.” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed I said, “Me too! Protestant or him off the bridge. Catholic?” Comedian EUGENE MIRMAN, sharing an He said, “Protestant.” Emo Philips gag

rd.com | 11•2015 | 77 FUNNY PEOPLE’S FAVORITE JOKES

“WHY DO THEY lock gas station really. But I still wanted to use it, so I bathrooms? Are they afraid someone crossed it out and wrote, ‘I rarely drive will clean them?” steamboats, Dad. There’s a lot of stuff George Carlin, as quoted by you don’t know about me. Quit trying SEBASTIAN MANISCALCO, whose Showtime to act like I’m a steamboat operator.’” comedy special Aren’t You Embarrassed? “This letter took a really harsh turn right is now on DVD away,” says comedian MIKE BIRBIGLIA, of his favorite Mitch Hedberg gag. “I WROTE A LETTER to my dad. I Birbiglia costarred in Trainwreck this wrote, ‘I really enjoyed being here,’ but summer and appears regularly on I accidentally wrote rarely instead of Orange Is the New Black.

OUR HUMOR EDITOR’S FAVORITE COMEDIANS (AND THEIR BEST JOKES)

STEPHEN COLBERT ● “Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the Internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.’’ ● “Watching soccer is like watching grass grow, with soccer players in the way.” ● “You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?”

TINA FEY ● “Why are my arms so weak? It’s like I did that push-up last year for nothing!”

KEVIN HART ● “If you’re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on Instagram and then comment, ‘You three look great!’ Wait and grab popcorn.”

AMY POEHLER ● “I’m going to be direct and honest with you. I would like a glass of red wine, and I’ll take the cheapest one you have because I can’t tell the difference.”

78 | 11•2015 | rd.com READER’S DIGEST

“I HAD A BAG OF FRITOS; they were A MOTHER ASKS her young sons what Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had they want for breakfast. The first little grill marks on them. They remind me boy says, “I’ll have some @#$%^& pan- of when we used to fire up the barbe- cakes.” The mother angrily sends him cue and throw down some Fritos. I can to his room for cursing. She glares at still see my dad with the apron on. the other little boy and asks, “What do ‘Better flip that Frito, Dad; you know you want for breakfast?!” The second how I like mine.’” boy says, “Well, I sure don’t want the Comedian and former Saturday Night Live @#$%^& pancakes!” cast member BROOKS WHEELAN, with yet BILL ENGVALL, who was part of the Blue another Mitch Hedberg gag Collar Comedy group with Jeff Foxworthy

LOUIS CK ● “We waste words. We use words like awesome and wonderful like they’re candy. It was awesome? Really? It inspired awe? You use the word amazing to describe a sandwich at Wendy’s. What’s going to happen when your first child is born? How will you describe it? You already wasted amazing on a sandwich.”

ELLEN DEGENERES ● “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”

JAY LENO ● “I went to a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’ The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like fries with that?’”

JERRY SEINFELD ● “Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”

JIMMY FALLON ● “Thank you, hard taco shells, for surviving the long journey from factory, to supermarket, to my plate, and then breaking the moment I put something inside you. Thank you.” ● “Thank you, pita bread, for being a great combination between wheat and envelopes.” ● “Thank you, exercise, for being the only thing stopping me from getting in shape.”

MINDY KALING ● “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”

rd.com | 11•2015 | 79

PUBLIC HEALTH Why ARE YOU NOT DEAD American life expectancy has doubled in the past 150 years. The reasons may surprise you.

BY LAURA HELMUTH FROM SLATE Yet?

THE MOST IMPORTANT difference between the world today and 150 years ago isn’t airplane flight, nuclear weapons, or the Internet. It’s life span. We used to live 35 to 40 years on average in the United States, but now we live almost 80. We used to get one life. Now we get two. You may well be living your sec- drive; the cholera you never con- ond life already. Have you ever had tracted because you drink filtered and some health problem that could have chemically treated water. Did some killed you if you’d been born in an specific medical treatment save your earlier era? Leave aside for a min- life? It’s a fun conversation starter: ute the probabilistic ways you would Why are you not dead yet? have died in the past—the smallpox To answer the question of why peo- that didn’t kill you because it was ple live so long today, it helps to start eradicated by a massive global vaccine with how they died in the past. This

PHOTOGRAPHS BY ADAM VOORHES rd.com | 11•2015 | 81 WHY ARE YOU NOT DEAD YET? much is certain: People died young, How did we go from the miseries of and they died painfully of consump- the past to our current expectation of tion (tuberculosis), quinsy (tonsil- long and healthy lives? “Most people litis), fever, childbirth, and worms. credit medical advances,” says David The first European settlers in North Jones, a medical historian at Har- America died mostly of starvation, vard, “but most historians would not.” with a side order of stupidity; they One reason: the timing. Most of the ef- picked unnecessary fights with Native fective medical treatments we recog- Americans, sought gold nize as saving our lives and silver rather than today have been avail- planting food or fishing, able only since World and drank foul water. The biggest War II: antibiotics, che- Global trade intro- lifesaver in history motherapy, drugs to duced new diseases may be clean treat high blood pres- around the world and water, responsible sure. But the steepest in- caused horrific epidem- crease in life expectancy ics until the 1700s or for one half of the occurred from the late so, when pretty much overall reduction 1800s to the mid-1900s. every germ had made in mortality. Even some dramatically landfall on every conti- successful medical treat- nent. Within the United ments such as insulin States, better transportation for diabetics have kept in the 1800s brought wave af- individual people alive ter wave of disease outbreaks but haven’t necessarily to new cities and the interior. had a population-level Pioneers died in droves of impact on average life dysentery, sequestered span. Mathematically, the in damp log cabins interventions that saved teeming with mos- infants and children from quitoes and vermin. dying of communicable Elsewhere, urbanization disease had the greatest brought people impact on life span. into ideal prox- So what do imity from a we give credit germ’s point of to, then? We view, as did fac- can start with tory work. Sadly, these simple so did public public health

schools. advances. ROBIN FINLAY PROP STYLIST:

82 | 11•2015 | rd.com READER’S DIGEST

CLEAN WATER mortality in the United States to clean In 1854, physician John Snow traced a water—making it possibly the biggest cholera outbreak in London to a wa- lifesaver in history. ter pump next to a leaky sewer. Sub- sequently, some of the biggest public SOAP works projects of the late 1900s involved The germ theory of disease didn’t separating clean water from dirty. catch on all that quickly (one surgeon At first, cities ran water through spent years trying to persuade his col- sand and gravel to physically trap leagues to sterilize their gloves and filth, and when that didn’t work, they gowns), but once it did, people started started chlorinating water. Lacking an washing their hands. Soap became understanding of germs, some people cheaper and more widespread, and thought that dilution was the best so- people suddenly had a logical reason lution, so they just piped their sewage to wash up before surgery, after def- into nearby waterways. Unfortunately, ecating, and before eating. Soap helps the sewage outlets were often near the to prevent both deadly and lingering water-system inlets. infections; even today, kids who don’t Finally understanding that sew- have access to soap and clean water age and drinking water needed to be have stunted growth. completely separated, Chicago built a drainage canal that in 1900 reversed BETTER HOUSING the flow of the Chicago River. The city City housing was crowded, filthy, thus sent its sewage into the greater poorly ventilated, dank, stinky, hot Mississippi watershed and contin- in the summer, and cold in the win- ued taking its drinking water from ter. These were terrible conditions for Lake Michigan. This massive earth- human beings but great for infectious moving project (the largest in North microbes. Pretty much everyone was American history at the time) trained infected with tuberculosis, the lead- a generation of new contractors, many ing killer of the 19th century. Though of whom went on to work on the Pan- it is remembered as a disease of the ama Canal and other civil engineering young and artistic (Frédéric Chopin feats around the country. and Henry David Thoreau are two fa- The job of cleaning up the water mous victims), it was predominantly supply was hard, but the payoff was a disease of poverty, and there was enormous. Some historians now nothing romantic about it. As eco- attribute one half of the overall nomic conditions started improving reduction in mortality, two thirds of in the 19th century, housing was built the reduction in child mortality, and that was more sanitary, airier, more three fourths of the reduction in infant weather resistant, and brighter. Yes, a

rd.com | 11•2015 | 83 WHY ARE YOU NOT DEAD YET? room with a view mattered: Sunlight but also because they had better kills tuberculosis bacteria. nutrition. Diseases of malnutrition were common among the urban poor: MORE VITAMINS scurvy (vitamin C deficiency), rickets After an initial period of starvation, the (vitamin D deficiency), and pella- American colonists eventually amassed gra (a niacin deficiency), to name a more food and enjoyed better nutrition few. Once scientists discovered the than did people in England. During the relationship between disease and Revolutionary War era, American sol- vitamin deficiency, companies began diers were a few inches taller than their fortifying foods. Iodine was added to British foes. Why? Because most Amer- salt to prevent goiter. Milk and bread icans had enough to eat, while only the were irradiated with UV light to stimu- wealthiest Europeans did. late vitamin D conversion in the body. Still, on average, American farmers Overall, improved nutrition at the were taller than laborers, and people end of the 1800s made people taller, in rural areas outlived city dwellers healthier, and longer lived, while by about ten years—largely owing to fortified foods reduced the incidence less exposure to contagious disease of vitamin-deficiency disorders.

WHAT WOULD HAVE KILLED YOU?

I asked around, and here is a small sample of what would have killed me, my friends, and acquaintances in the past, had modern lifesaving treatments not become routine. ■ Adrian’s lung spon- ■ When she was two, ■ Dahlia would have taneously collapsed Laura (that’s me) had died delivering a child when he was 18. scarlet fever, which was (twice) or later of a once a leading cause of ruptured gallbladder. ■ Becky had an death among children ■ ectopic pregnancy but is now easily treat- Hanna acquired that caused massive able with antibiotics. type 1 diabetes during internal bleeding. pregnancy and would’ve ■ Katherine was found died without insulin. ■ David had an aortic to have pernicious ■ valve replaced. anemia in her 20s. She Mitch was bitten by treats it with supple- a cat and had to have ■ Carl had Saint Antho- ments of vitamin B12. emergency surgery and ny’s fire, a strep infec- a month of antibiotics, tion of the skin that ■ Julia had a burst or he would have died killed John Stuart Mill. appendix at 14. of cat scratch fever.

84 | 11•2015 | rd.com READER’S DIGEST

FEDERAL LAWS quarantines, preventing sailors from Just because people were eating more disembarking if there was any evi- didn’t mean they were eating well. dence of disease; on land, quarantines Contaminated food was one of the separated contagious people from the greatest killers of infants. Once babies uninfected. stopped breast-feeding, food exposed them to typhoid fever, botulism, sal- VACCINATION monella, and any number of microbes A smallpox epidemic in Boston in that caused deadly diarrhea. Death 1721 led to a huge debate about vari- rates for infants were highest in the olation, a technique that involved summer, when food-borne microbes transferring pus from an infected per- thrive in warm conditions. Refrigera- son to a healthy one to cause a minor tion and public health drives for pure reaction that conferred immunity. and pasteurized milk helped people Influential author and minister Cotton keep their food safe. Mather was for it—he said it was a gift The Pure Food and Drug Act of from God. Those opposed said that dis- 1906 made it a crime to sell adulter- ease was God’s will. People continued ated (poisoned) food, introduced to fight about variolation, then inocu- labeling laws, and led to the creation lation (via exposure to the related cow- of the Food and Drug Administration. pox virus, introduced in the late 1700s), That same year, the Federal Meat and finally vaccination. The fight over Inspection Act introduced the inspec- God’s will and the dangers of vacci- tion of livestock and slaughterhouses nations (real in the past, imaginary to prevent diseased or spoiled meat today) are still echoing. from being processed and sold to Anne Schuchat, MD, assistant sur- unwary consumers. geon general and the acting director of the CDC’s Center for Global Health, QUARANTINES says it was not just the scientific Port cities suffered some of the worst invention of vaccines that saved lives epidemics in history, partly because but the “huge social effort to deliver sailors brought new diseases and them to people that improved health, strains with them from all over the extended life, and kept children alive.” world. When St. Louis was struck Vaccines have almost eliminated dis- with yellow fever in the 1870s, the eases that used to be common killers, Mississippi River became a giant fun- but “they’re still circulating in other nel of disease, infecting more than parts of the world,” Dr. Schuchat 120,000 people in the lower river val- points out. “If we don’t continue to ley. Eventually, such cities instituted vaccinate, they could come back.”

rd.com | 11•2015 | 85 The Moth

TRUE TALES FROM AMERICA’S PREMIER STORYTELLING GROUP

Presenting Grand Slam winners from across the nation. This month’s theme: Rescue.

PUPPY LOVE he cut onto the Grand Concourse. BY WILSON PORTORREAL So I was dripping in sweat, my heart NEW YORK, NEW YORK was pounding, and everything just got o I finally got a dog. He was half hectic when he froze in the middle of S shih tzu, half Maltese, and he the street with all these cars, trucks, had chocolate-caramel fur with and buses coming toward him. And this white whipped cream color, and as they got closer, they were honk- we named him Hershey. I trained him ing, and right there I thought, “This how to fetch, I trained him how to dog is family. He’s my responsibility. stay, and one day, I took him outside I need to save him.” But it was too to teach him how to follow me with- late … for death, because I grabbed out a leash—but he ran off. I chased my dog, and I lifted him up into the him for about a block or so, and as sky as if he were Simba. Death was not

I caught up to him on the sidewalk, going to take my dog today. THE MOTH WEBER/COURTESY CHRISTIAN

86 | 11•2015 | rd.com THEN THEY WAR GAMES CAME BY MICAELA BLEI EW YORK EW YORK BY MATTHEW DICKS N , N NEWINGTON, CONNECTICUT he third-grade boys I teach t’s snowing as my car slides T have a war game, and it’s not I across the road and collides with like your regular little-boy war the Mercedes head-on, sending game. There’s always a bloody nose me through the windshield. When happening every day. During free I open my eyes, I’m on the side of the time, they tie one another to chairs road, and there’s a teenage boy, no with construction paper and practice older than I, leaning over my broken interrogation techniques. And I’m body. I close my eyes, and my heart lost. I am a teacher who loves teddy stops beating. When I open my eyes, bears, but when I tell them, “Please I’m in the back of an ambulance, stop,” they look at me like, Why would and there’s a woman pounding on we do third grade when there’s a war my chest, shouting, “He’s back! He’s on? One day I hear one of the younger back!” Then I’m in an emergency kids, Oliver,* ask a general, Greg,* if he room, and there are doctors work- can be in the army at recess, and Greg ing on my legs and my chest, as I tell says, “Sure. You can be a suicide a nurse through broken teeth that she bomber.” Oliver asks, “Why?” And needs to call McDonald’s because Greg says, “Because everyone wants I won’t be making it to my shift. She you to die.” I go over to Greg, shocked, looks at me as if I’m crazy. We’re and say, “We do not talk like that.” He waiting for an operating room, and listens politely and just walks away. while we wait, I wait for parents who Finally, it’s recess. I’m on patrol, and won’t come, who have decided to I see Oliver kneeling in the sandpit go check the car first instead of me. with his face in the sand, and three But it turns out that nurse called lieutenants are starting to bury him McDonald’s, and my friends are headfirst. When I see this, I am done filling the emergency room, teen- being a teddy bear teacher. I finally agers in McDonald’s uniforms and snap. concert T-shirts and ripped jeans. *Names changed to protect privacy. And they’re making a racket, peek- ing between the double doors and Reader’s Digest has part- waving at me. This is the day that nered with the Moth on my friends become my family, filling storytelling events in 19 cities, with the a gap that’s been empty far too long best stories appearing in a special issue of RD next summer. To get tickets to a show and one they’ve been filling every near you or subscribe to the Moth’s criti- day since. cally acclaimed podcast, visit themoth.org.

rd.com | 11•2015 | 87 Recommended by the CDC for adults 65+

WHAT IF ONE PIECE OF KALE COULD HELP PREVENT DIABETES?

Wishful thinking, right? But there is one step that can help protect you from another serious disease, pneumococcal pneumonia. The PREVNAR 13® vaccine.

Over age 50? Your risk of getting pneumococcal pneumonia is higher. It’s a serious disease that could put you in the hospital. Symptoms include coughing, fever, chest pain, and diffculty breathing. One dose of the PREVNAR 13 ® vaccine can help protect you. Even if you’ve already been vaccinated with another pneumonia vaccine, PREVNAR 13 ® may help

INDICATION FOR PREVNAR 13® • Prevnar 13 ® is a vaccine approved for adults 50 years of age and older for the prevention of pneumococcal pneumonia and invasive disease caused by 13 Streptococcus pneumoniae strains (1, 3, 4, 5, 6A, 6B, 7F, 9V, 14, 18C, 19A, 19F, and 23F) • Prevnar 13 ® is not 100% effective and will only help protect against the 13 strains included in the vaccine IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION • Prevnar 13 ® should not be given to anyone with a history of severe allergic reaction to any component of Prevnar 13 ® or any diphtheria toxoid–containing vaccine • Adults with weakened immune systems (eg, HIV infection, leukemia) may have a reduced immune response provide additional protection. Immune response may be lower if given within one year after another pneumonia vaccine. If you are 50 or older, ask your doctor or pharmacist if PREVNAR 13 ® is right for you. GET THIS ONE DONE.

• In adults, immune responses to Prevnar 13 ® were reduced when given with injected seasonal fu vaccine • In adults, the common side effects were pain, redness, or swelling at the injection site, limitation of arm movement, fatigue, headache, muscle pain, joint pain, decreased appetite, chills, or rash • Ask your health care provider about the risks and benefts of Prevnar 13 ®. Only a health care provider can decide if Prevnar 13 ® is right for you You are encouraged to report negative side effects of vaccines to the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) and Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Visit www.vaers.hhs.gov or call 1-800-822-7967. Please see Important Facts for Prevnar 13 ® on the following page.

PREVNAR 13 is a registered trademark of Wyeth LLC. Manufactured by Wyeth Pharmaceuticals Inc. Marketed by Pfizer Inc. PSA741806-03 © 2015 Pfizer Inc. All rights reserved. June 2015 Children 6 weeks through 5 years of age: • Prevnar 13® is recommended for children IMPORTANT FACTS 6 weeks through 5 years of age • Prevnar 13® is given as a 4-dose series at 2, 4, 6, and 12 to 15 months of age • Transition schedule: Children who have received 1 or more doses of Prevnar® (Pneumococcal 7-valent Conjugate

Vaccine [Diphtheria CRM197 Protein]) may complete the 4-dose immunization series with Prevnar 13® Prevnar 13® (pronounced “Prev • nar 13”) • Catch-up schedule: Children 15 Generic Name: months through 5 years of age who are Pneumococcal 13-valent Conjugate considered fully immunized with Prevnar® ® Vaccine (Diphtheria CRM197 Protein) may receive 1 dose of Prevnar 13 to elicit immune responses to the 6 additional strains • The immune responses from the transition or catch-up schedules might WHO SHOULD RECEIVE PREVNAR 13® be lower for the 6 additional strains (Pneumococcal 13-valent Conjugate (types 1, 3, 5, 6A, 7F, and 19A) than if Vaccine [Diphtheria CRM Protein])? your child had received the full 4 doses 197 of Prevnar 13® ® • Prevnar 13 is approved for adults 50 Children 6 years through 17 years of age: years and older for the prevention of • In children 6 years through 17 years of pneumococcal pneumonia and invasive age, Prevnar 13® is given as a single dose disease caused by the 13 vaccine strains WHO SHOULD NOT RECEIVE • Prevnar 13® is a vaccine also approved PREVNAR 13®? for children 6 weeks through 17 years of Children or adults who have had a severe age for the prevention of invasive disease allergic reaction to any component of ® caused by the 13 strains of Streptococcus Prevnar 13 or any diphtheria toxoid– containing vaccine should not receive pneumoniae included in the vaccine, and Prevnar 13® for children 6 weeks through 5 years for the prevention of ear infections caused by 7 of the 13 strains BEFORE STARTING PREVNAR 13® • Prevnar 13® is not 100% effective and Tell your health care provider or your child’s will only help protect against the health care provider about all medical 13 strains included in the vaccine conditions, including: • Previous allergic reactions to other vaccines Adults 50 years and older: ® • Especially tell the health care provider if • A single dose of Prevnar 13 is your child or you are taking medicines recommended for adults aged 50 years that can weaken the immune system, of age and older such as steroids (eg, prednisone) and cancer medicines, or are undergoing and fever. Most commonly reported side radiation therapy effects in children 5 years through 17 • If you are pregnant or nursing, or if you years also included hives plan to become pregnant WHAT SHOULD I KNOW ABOUT RECEIVING PREVNAR 13® WITH OTHER VACCINES? WARNING • In adults, immune responses to Prevnar ® • A temporary pause of breathing following 13 were reduced when given with vaccination has been observed in some LQMHFWHGVHDVRQDOÀXYDFFLQH infants born prematurely. Decisions • When given within 1 year following about when to give Prevnar 13® to infants pneumococcal polysaccharide vaccine, born prematurely should be based on immune response to Prevnar 13® may consideration of the individual infant’s be lower PHGLFDOVWDWXVDQGWKHSRWHQWLDOEHQH¿WV and possible risks of vaccination 7KHVDIHW\DQGHI¿FDF\RI3UHYQDU® when given to persons with a weakened ADDITIONAL IMPORTANT INFORMATION immune system (such as HIV infection, • The safety and effectiveness of Prevnar damaged spleen, cancer, or kidney 13® when used in children less than 6 problems) is not known. Children or adults weeks of age is not known with a weakened immune system may have a reduced response to Prevnar 13® • In a study in which children received acetaminophen prior to Prevnar 13®, immune responses to some strains in the vaccine were lower compared with WHAT ARE THE POTENTIAL responses among children who received SIDE EFFECTS? acetaminophen after vaccination only as • In adults, the common side effects were needed pain, redness, or swelling at the injection • Ask your health care provider about the site, limitation of arm movement, fatigue, ULVNVDQGEHQH¿WVRI3UHYQDU®. Only headache, muscle pain, joint pain, a health care provider can decide if decreased appetite, chills, or rash Prevnar 13® is right for you or your child • The most commonly reported serious adverse events in children were bronchiolitis (an infection of the lungs) JDVWURHQWHULWLV LQÀDPPDWLRQRI NEED MORE INFORMATION? the stomach and small intestine) (0.9%), and pneumonia (0.9%) • This is only a summary of important information. Ask your health care provider • In children 6 weeks through 17 years, or your child’s health care provider for the most common side effects were complete product information tenderness, redness, or swelling at the injection site, irritability, decreased • Go to www.Prevnar13.com or appetite, decreased or increased sleep, call 1-800-666-7248

PREVNAR and PREVNAR 13 are registered trademarks of Wyeth LLC. 0DQXIDFWXUHGE\:\HWK3KDUPDFHXWLFDOV,QF3¿]HU,QF$OOULJKWVUHVHUYHG-XQH 0DUNHWHGE\3¿]HU,QF%DVHGRQ/$% 0D\ Rx only THE STRANGER WHO CHANGED MY LIFE

I gave his mother all I could. Now it was his turn. What Will Happen to Patty’s Boy?

BY KAREN MOTT, AS TOLD TO MELODY WARNICK

S A NURSE AT THE CANCER CARE CENTER where I’ve worked for seven years, I’ll do almost anything to make a patient feel better. I’m quick with blankets and juice and will gladly hold a hand for a prayer. But when I met Patricia McNulty at the MetroWest Cancer Center in Framingham, Massachusetts, in 2011, she didn’t want my help. She was a tiny 44-year-old single mom getting high doses of chemotherapy to battle an aggressive head and neck cancer. Unlike many of our other patients, Patty was alone during her A92 | 11•2015 | rd.com PHOTOGRAPH BY MIKE MCGREGOR “This has been an amazing turn of events,” says Mott. WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO PATTY’S BOY? treatment, but no matter what I did, she wouldn’t live much longer. My first I couldn’t get her to open up. She just thought was, “What’s going to happen buried herself in a book or pulled to Stephen?” a blanket over her head to fend off The father of Patty’s two older sons conversation. couldn’t take Stephen, nor could any Eventually I hit on a reliable way of her five siblings. I knew that Patty to make Patty smile: mentioning her wanted to keep her son out of the nine-year-old son, Stephen. She’d foster-care system, but planning for tell me how well he did in school, her death proved so excruciating, she how he’d been selected to read a just didn’t talk about it. She couldn’t. poem he wrote at a local bookstore. Because her cancer was terminal, She insisted on scheduling her one- Patty became a patient of our hospi- day chemo treatment over two days tal’s hospice program. Suddenly my so she’d always be there to meet his husband, Michael, who works as the

Stephen was the reason she was taking such an aggressive course of treatment in the first place. She desperately wanted to live for him. school bus. In fact, Stephen was the hospice chaplain, started hearing reason she was taking such an aggres- about Patty and Stephen too. The sive course of treatment in the first hospice nurses would share stories place. She desperately wanted to live at their meetings about how bright for him. and unusual the boy was, but no one Everything about Patty’s life seemed seemed to know how to resolve the like a battle. The family was on wel- issue of what would happen to him fare and lived in a subsidized apart- when his mom died. ment in a low-income neighborhood. Even though I hadn’t known Patty Patty’s boyfriend, Stephen’s father, had that well, the situation gnawed at recently been hit by a car, and the re- me. I could only imagine how sad sulting traumatic brain injury left him and scared she felt. Something inside disabled. But Patty never complained. me was telling me that Michael and I She just sucked it up. I think she’d could take the boy in. been doing that her whole life. But could that idea be any crazier? After a year and a half of chemo- We’d never fostered kids before or therapy, in August 2012, Patty was told talked about adoption. At that point,

her cancer had spread, and I learned we were practically empty nesters. ENNIS INC. FOR GROOMING: LIZ WASHER

94 | 11•2015 | rd.com READER’S DIGEST

We’d already launched our two daugh- were total strangers to him, and he to ters, 21-year-old Kelsey and 19-year- us. To get to know one another better, old Morgan, into college and careers, we invited Patty and Stephen over for and our 15-year-old son, Casey, had lunch the next weekend. While Patty only three more years of high school poked around what would become before he was out the door too. her son’s new home, Stephen rattled Michael, who at 63 is ten years older off the names of all the U.S. presidents than I am, had actually started fixing in chronological order in 20 seconds. up our four-bedroom house, think- “Wow,” I thought. “This kid really ing that we’d sell it and move into an is unusual.” active adult community in a few years. That, I realized, was only the tip Now all of a sudden, I was contem- of the iceberg. Stephen talked poli- plating bringing a grade-schooler to tics like a grown-up. He was a gifted live with us? And what about paying reader and writer. But he was also as for another college education? We’re goofy and silly as any other fourth- not wealthy by any means. grade boy. I couldn’t get over how resilient he NE NIGHT in September, seemed. For all the ways he’d had to out of nowhere, Michael grow up fast, because of his mother’s Osaid, “I think we’re sup- illness, his dad’s accident, and his posed to take this kid.” family’s poverty, Stephen was still I couldn’t believe it. “I’ve been just a kid. Almost instantly he started thinking the same thing,” I replied. cuddling up to Michael and me. I was “That’s probably a sign, huh?” bowled over at how naturally he fit Michael laughed. We’re both deeply with our family. religious, and Michael in particular As Patty dwindled, Michael and knows what it feels like when God’s I took over a lot of her care, stocking telling you to do something. Seven her fridge and arranging for a hospital years earlier, he’d sold a successful bed to be delivered to her apartment. business and gone to divinity school One morning in October, after for just that reason. This felt similar. Stephen had left for school, Patty With our children’s go-ahead, quietly slipped away. Michael and I Michael and I sat down with Patty picked Stephen up after school, drove at her house a few days later. By the him to a nearby park, and sat on a end of the day, it was agreed: Stephen bench by a pond. I finally managed would come to live with our family to say, “Stephen, we’re sorry to have after Patty was gone. to tell you this, but your mom passed All of this, we knew, was tough away this morning.” The sound that medicine for such a little boy. We came out of his mouth was like nothing

rd.com | 11•2015 | 95 WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO PATTY’S BOY?

I’d ever heard before. family hadn’t owned a This skinny little guy car. sat between the two On Christmas Eve, I of us and just wailed learned that Stephen and wailed. That was, had never met Santa I think, the hardest thing Claus, so I called the we’ve ever done. It was local mall to find an as if his whole world was Patty and Stephen in 2012 on-duty Santa Claus, just destroyed. Finally, shared a bit of our we took him home with us. story, then rushed with my daughters to take Stephen to see him. Watching OR MONTHS, Stephen slept in Santa hug Stephen close and have Casey’s room so he wouldn’t a beautiful heart-to-heart with him Fhave to be by himself. Ste- about his mother was one of the most phen saw a grief counselor, moving moments of my life. The ex- and we created a meditation space pression of pure joy on his face made with some of Patty’s things where all of us weep. Stephen could go to feel close to her. Recently, the students in Stephen’s When we finally moved him to his class had to write a poem that started own bedroom, he woke up crying with “Home is …” He was so sad almost every night. because most of the other kids wrote All we could do was love him and poems that started with “Home is my pull him into the thick of our busy mom doing …” But he ended up writ- family life. He joined a basketball ing this: team. He had play dates with my Home is Karen listening to her coworker Beth’s children, where inspirational meditation videos. under Stephen’s theatrical direction, Home is Mike’s delicious mac ’n’ they’d create skits. Some weekends we cheese. took road trips to neighboring states, Home is feeling cared for, loved, and places he’d never seen because his protected.

RIDDLE ME THIS

QUESTION: It may be only given, not taken or bought;

what the sinner desires but the saintly do not. What is it?

Forgiveness. ANSWER: COURTESY KAREN MOTT COURTESY

96 | 11•2015 | rd.com Laugh Lines WHAT’S IN A NAME?

Does it disturb anyone else that Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think “The Los Angeles Angels” base- you understand how to num- ball team translates directly to ber things, which is something “The The Angels Angels”? I generally look for in a bank. NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON @ROWDYBOWDEN (DEREK LAWLER)

General Mills Whoever named We need a 12-step is coming out it necking is a poor group for com- with an organic judge of anatomy. pulsive talkers. Twinkie. Isn’t GROUCHO MARX They could call it that called a On Anon Anon. sponge? PAULA POUNDSTONE JAY LENO

“Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names. @CEEJOYNER (CHRIS JOYNER)

GETTY IMAGES So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world. STEWART FRANCIS

rd.com | 11•2015 | 97 PERSONAL ESSAY

My family and I survived the blaze, but we thought we’d lost everything else. H We were wrong. ouse on

BY HOLLYE DEXTER FireFROM THE BOOK FIRE SEASON ON NOVEMBER 18, 1994, I wake from a vivid dream. I sit up in bed, heart pounding, face wet with tears. My husband, Troy, asks, “What’s wrong?” “I was falling backward … in this huge avalanche,” I sob, “and everything I owned, everything I’d ever accomplished in my life, was tumbling over me, pounding and crushing me until there was nothing but dust.” “It was just a dream, honey.” He wraps his arms around me. Cissy, nine, and Taylor, four, are downstairs eating Cheerios. Car- toons hum cheerily in the background. The dogs are under the table, waiting to catch any stray crumbs. I try to shake the resid- ual feelings from the dream. “Everything’s fine; everything’s fine,” I say to myself, all day long.

98 | 11•2015 | rd.com ILLUSTRATION BY ANNA AND ELENA BALBUSSO

HOUSE ON FIRE

After school, I drop Cissy at her dad’s touches my arm. “Hols, we don’t need for an overnight visit. As I drive home, to do this now. We can reschedule.” my chest muscles seize. I wonder Troy holds me. “Everything’s OK, what is wrong with me. Maybe I need honey. You’re safe.” He knows these medication or to go back to therapy. Or are the best words to say to me. maybe I’ll never get used to sharing my Safe—my entire life, that’s all I’d ever daughter with my ex-husband. wanted to feel. We walk Donna down- By the time I walk into our house, stairs. The living room is dark, so I flip I can barely breathe. I the light switch. Noth- think, If I nap, I’ll feel ing happens. “Must’ve better. I bring my dogs, blown a fuse,” Troy Whitney and Lady; my I’m holding says, and goes to find a cats, Angel and Munch- the ends of my flashlight. kin; and my bunny, By the glow of the Bunny, into my bed- son’s fingers. fire in the fireplace, room. It is an odd thing I beg God to I see smoke backing out I have never done be- of the chimney, filling fore. I fall into a deep protect him. the room with an eerie sleep, but when I wake, I let go. haze. I crack a window. I am still edgy. “We heard crows Troy, Taylor, and I making a racket in the have dinner. After Taylor’s bath, I chimney …,” I say. zip him into his pajamas. We have a “They probably built a nest up Peter Pan vs. Captain Hook sword there—that’s why the smoke is fight with toothbrushes, and then I trapped.” Donna stands by the front read his favorite book, The Grouchy door. “You guys want me to stay?” Ladybug, and sing to him until he falls I wave my hand. “No. Everything’s asleep. Outside, a full moon hangs in fine.” She hugs me and leaves. the sky. It shines like an icy sun, giving In the hall, Troy shines a light on me an ominous feeling. the breaker box. As he flips a switch, In the next room, Troy and our a buzz sends us hurtling backward. friend Donna tune their guitars; we “It’s gotta be a fuse … I can fix it.” are preparing for a gig. We sing in “Please!” I say. “I have a bad feel- three-part harmony, with Donna and ing. Let’s get an electrician here in the Troy playing. My throat is tight, my morning.” breathing shallow. I’m not hitting my I wash my face, brush my teeth, notes. Donna asks, “What’s up, girl? and slip on my nightgown. Ordinary You’re not yourself.” things on an ordinary night, but I am I tell her about the dream. Donna still anxious, eyeing the full moon.

100 | 11•2015 | rd.com READER’S DIGEST

I sit on our bed, while Troy falls Without knowing how, I have Taylor asleep. Angel and Munchkin curl on in my arms and am at his bedroom either side of me, purring. Agitated, window. When I open it, ashes and I walk the house, checking for … for smoke blow through as the heat is what? I wander into the kids’ room. pulled toward us. There’s fire behind Taylor sleeps, and I pull the covers me, a 30-foot drop to concrete below. around him and kiss his forehead. Troy shouts from another window, I walk downstairs to check the “Hold on! I’m coming—I’m gonna hearth. The fire is almost out. I climb jump!” Then the sickening sound of upstairs and fall back into bed, but an bones against cement. I scream his hour later, panic wakes me. I wander name, but he doesn’t respond. I start the halls. It is still in the house, too to cry, but there is no time for panic. still. A thin veil of smoke lingers in the I lower Taylor out his window as air. I force myself to go back to bed. far as my arms will stretch so he can Within an hour, I am awake again. breathe. I hold only his tiny hands, I stand in the kids’ room. The house his body dangling. I am in the center seems smokier than it did before, but of the firestorm. I choke, spitting out how can that be when the fire burned black grease. Blisters rise on the backs out hours ago? I crack a window, re- of my legs; the pain becomes unbear- turn to bed, and fall into a dead sleep. able. I have to do something. But there is no grass below, no trees or bushes. INSIDE THE INFERNO My brain searches for options. If hear screams. It’s Troy. “Hollye! I hold Taylor while I jump, I could I Get out of the house!” crush him. I have to let go of his Hearing the panic in his voice, hands. I know that if I do this, he may I bolt upright. I run to the bedroom break bones or suffer a bad injury. But door and swing it open, and I am if I do nothing, I will burn to death, blown back, knocked to the floor. Sear- and he will fall. Stretching my body ing heat and black smoke overtake me, to make his drop as short as possible, burning my skin. Through the deafen- I lower him as far as I can, until I’m ing roar of fire, a smoke alarm whines holding just the ends of his chubby like a mosquito. I gasp for breath and fingers. The smoke is so thick, I can’t crawl across the floor, gagging. The see him. I beg God to protect him. I let smell of that fire is something I will go. At that very moment, Troy shouts, never forget. It is not the cozy smell “Drop him! I’m here!” of a campfire but the putrid stench of I scramble out the window. I take synthetic carpeting, drywall plaster, a deep breath, then fall. I hear the and household appliances melting, the thump of a hip against concrete, but toxic cloud of our life disintegrating. it’s as though it happened to someone

rd.com | 11•2015 | 101 HOUSE ON FIRE else. I feel nothing. Troy yanks me to UP FROM THE ASHES my feet. Taylor is clutched to his chest. ays after the fire, I wake to “I caught him,” Troy says. We look at Dthe smell of stuffing and the each other in disbelief. We are alive. sounds of the Macy’s Thanks- We run. All three levels are con- giving parade on TV. Is it Thanks- sumed, flames shooting out the giving? I sit in my mother’s kitchen. windows. The sight of the burning “Morning, sweetie! Coffee’s made. doghouse jolts me. “Oh, God! The Want some?” she offers. animals!” I wail. Troy hands Taylor to All week long, cars pulled up to my me and goes back with a few neigh- mom’s house with donations. Calls bors. As they near the house, the win- come from friends, and they suggest dows blow out. There is no way to get a benefit concert. By night, Troy and I back in. are plagued with nightmares. By day, A neighbor cries, “I don’t know we’re surrounded with love. We’ve what to do! I don’t know what to been given the chance to feel some- do!” She screams, “Her little girl is in thing most will never know—to be there!” held by hundreds of unseen hands—a Cissy. Cissy. I am disoriented, comforting yet overwhelming sensa- doubting my own memory. I grab tion. Here we are on this day of giving Troy’s arm. “Cissy’s not in there, thanks, grateful, yes, and also tired of right?” I become hysterical, squeez- being grateful and needy. ing my son, who is silent and dazed. We spend the day digging through Troy grips my arms and says in bags of stuff. Some people used the a firm voice, “Hollye, she’s at her dad’s fire as an excuse to get rid of junk, and house. Look at me, Hollye! She’s safe!” this helps us laugh again. Troy will later tell me that I repeated Used underwear? Bonanza! this scenario many times that night. A bag full of jockstraps? You There is mayhem in my head, mayhem shouldn’t have! in the street. I watch as our life goes A wet suit? Skis from the 1970s? up in flames, knowing our animals We’re homeless. But thanks! are dead. Troy wraps his arms around Later, we shower and dress. With Taylor and me. He whispers, maybe to the kids looking sharp in their outfits, himself, maybe to me, maybe to God. the doorbell rings. My mom answers “We will come back stronger.” it and returns to us. She says, “There’s I want to believe him, my sunny, op- a guy from the Red Cross here.” timistic man. But that morning, he was It turns out the Red Cross had been the one who told me my nightmare at our fire that night, providing food was just a dream. Now I am wide- and water to the firefighters. We hadn’t awake, and the nightmare is real. contacted it, but the Red Cross doesn’t

102 | 11•2015 | rd.com READER’S DIGEST wait for you to ask. Our representative, We chat in the kitchen, and every time Frank [not his real name], is stocky, Troy and I cough from smoke inhala- with a salt-and-pepper beard. “Right tion, we receive more hugs and cho- now, you’re in what’s called the hon- ruses of “Are you OK?” Somehow, after eymoon phase of tragedy,” he says. meeting with Frank, I feel I am. “You’re surrounded by people showing At dinner, we hold hands, and up to support you. Donations are com- everyone thanks God for looking out ing in. You’re getting phone calls ev- for us. Then it comes time for the ery day. But soon, those prayer. Aunt Laura and things will taper off, and Uncle Bob, born-again you’ll be left picking up Christians, always say the pieces.” He hands me As our life grace. We bow our the card of a therapist. goes up in heads, waiting for the “We’ve arranged some opening line, “Heavenly free counseling for the flames, Troy Father.” Instead, Aunt four of you.” He gives us whispers,“We Laura says, “Troy, would bags with toiletries, and you lead us in prayer teddy bears and blankets will come back tonight?” for the kids. “Here are stronger.” We all jerk our heads gift certificates so you up. My husband has can get personal items faith in people, in good- like underwear and socks.” ness, in love. But he has no faith in re- There is something about Frank’s ligion. After a moment of hesitation, ease that makes my shoulders relax. he says, “Yes. I’d love to, actually.” He He is the first person we’ve talked to begins, “Heavenly Father, we thank who gets it. He understands we have you for this meal tonight and for all no driver’s licenses, no Social Security the love in this room. We thank you cards, no bank cards, no birth certifi- for our family and friends, for the op- cates. He knows utilities have to be portunity to be here together”—he canceled and mail rerouted because pauses—“and that we are alive.” His there is no house where the charred voice breaks. “Please, God, help me mailbox stands. He gives us directions get back on my feet, so that I can give and advice on how to begin again. back.” We go to my aunt Laura’s house for I squeeze his hand tight. There’s dinner, Troy with a sprained ankle and a loud chorus of “Amen.” A few of us me with a bandaged wrist and a burned wipe tears away as we pass the mashed ear. Aunts, uncles, and cousins de- potatoes and pour the wine. Oh yes, scend upon us with hugs and sniffling. please pour the wine.

Here’s what happens when small, everyday noises ruin your life CHEWPHOBIA BY CHARLES BETHEA FROM NEW REPUBLIC

UNCH AT THE MARRIOTT HOTEL in Mesa, Arizona, L was a southwestern buffet of overcooked chicken and soggy enchiladas. I’d recently met a friendly man with a shaved head and a pale oblong face named Paul Tabachneck, so we sat down together at a table to eat. Tabachneck ate carefully, eyes trained on his plate or a spot on the beige walls. But his conversation was lively—he talked about busk- ing as a guitarist in the New York subway while trying to achieve a dream of being a profes- condition is poorly understood, they sional musician. After about ten struggle to convince others that their minutes, I scraped my knife against problem isn’t a form of neuroticism. In my plate while cutting my chicken. this hotel, where one of the first scien- Tabachneck whipped his head around tific conferences on misophonia was to look at me, his eyes suddenly cold. being held, the afflicted finally met “Did you have to do that?” he others of their kind and shared their snapped. “And did you know that your tales of aural agony. You just had to jaw pops when you eat?” be very, very careful with your cutlery. We’re all annoyed by annoying When Tabachneck was 14, he and sounds: fingernails on chalkboards, his father were watching a movie at car alarms, Fran Drescher’s nasal home in Pittsburgh. His dad started tones. But for some people, particular pushing his ice cream into a puddle, sounds send them into an unbearable clinking his spoon against the bowl. frenzy. There’s the Atlanta journalist Up to that point, Tabachneck’s re- who wanted to reach across the table lationship with sound was normal. to strangle his loudly chewing father; He loved music and enjoyed hear- the Arizona computer scientist who ing people laugh; he found sirens hated the sound of knives so much somewhat grating. But this clinking that his girlfriend developed a pho- was different—it provoked a combi- bia too; the Oregon housewife who nation of anxiety and nearly physi- moved her family members out of cal agitation. It was the beginning of her home so she wouldn’t have to a lifetime of noise-related misery. listen to them. Psychologists call Tabachneck went to college to study them misophones—people with an computer science but dropped out acute reaction to specific, usually because the clicking in the computer low-volume sounds. But because the labs made him so tense. He took a job

PHOTOGRAPH BY CLAIRE BENOIST rd.com | 11•2015 | 105 CHEWPHOBIA in customer service and found he had chewed his nails. Other cases trick- a knack for it. But some colleagues led in, and she talked to fellow audi- made him crazy. One man spat chew- ologists who had also observed the ing tobacco, another talked with his condition. Johnson has become an mouth full, and a third brought in an advocate for the disorder, creating an old keyboard because he liked the online forum and helping to organize sound of the keys. the Arizona conference. Tabachneck’s personal relation- She and other experts view miso- ships also suffered. phonia as an “old He loved one girl- brain” problem, prob- friend enough to ably located in the consider marrying I sucked on part of the cortex that her but had to eat in a peppermint. processes emotion. a separate room to “When people hear avoid hearing her Tabachneck these sounds, they re- chew. A later romance yelled at me, act with intense emo- ended because the tion,” she says. “It isn’t woman smacked her “What are you a higher cognitive gum. He’s now dat- doing? Didn’t we function where you’re ing someone who oc- talk about this?” going, ‘I don’t like casionally cracks her white chocolate lattes.’ joints. “Most people This is like a yellow- can’t be in a relationship with a miso- jacket sting—you slap, jump, run, and phone,” he says, “because they don’t scream.” want to feel guilty for eating cereal in It’s impossible to know how many a porcelain bowl.” sufferers there are. Of the 4,000 miso- After hearing problems were ruled phones who post on the forum, half out—Tabachneck’s only abnormal- a dozen were at the Marriott. Among ity was perfect pitch—his issues were them, Tabachneck was a sort of star. thought to be psychological. Over the His song “Misophone” had circulated, years, doctors gave him different diag- and Scott, an engineer, approached noses and medications. Nothing made him at a break. They talked triggers. sense until an audiologist told Tabach- “Burping has always bothered neck in 2010 that he seemed as if he me,” Tabachneck told him. “And my had a textbook case of an emerging girlfriend does this thing where she disorder called misophonia. cracks her neck, and you snap back In 1997, Oregon audiologist Marsha like that.” He imitated the maneuver. Johnson met a girl who couldn’t bear “There’s a woman here who does

the noise her father made when he that,” said Scott. “There’s also where HALLEY RESOURCES; HAIR AND MAKEUP: ALLISON BROOKE FOR GUIDO-LAAKSO SARAH PROP STYLIST:

106 | 11•2015 | rd.com READER’S DIGEST you hear something that sounds like generating equipment to weaken an in- somebody cracking knuckles, and all dividual’s connection between certain of a sudden, you’re hypervigilant.” sounds and the autonomous nervous “You’re looking to find who cracked system—paired with cognitive therapy. their knuckles,” said Tabachneck, nod- Desperate misophones often try to ding. “Always looking. It never ends.” drown out irritating sounds with an Misophonia is not included in the ocean of ambient noise. Johnson men- DSM-5, the so-called bible of psy- tioned sufferers who work as Zumba chiatric diagnoses—it’s too recently instructors or in bowling alleys; others observed, for one thing. But whether use iPods, fans, fountains, YouTube misophonia is a mental disorder or channels, and headsets that play white not doesn’t really matter for people noise, lower-frequency pink noise, and like Tabachneck, who experience the lowest-frequency brown noise. life-altering discomfort daily. At the Following the conference, Tabach- conference, he performed “Miso- neck conducted his own experiment: phone.” A crowd gathered to talk to He went to see a film in a theater. At him afterward. As I took notes behind a previous outing, one couple was him, I absentmindedly sucked on a eating popcorn so loudly, it seemed peppermint, the sound barely regis- like a deliberate provocation. tering above the chitchat. Tabachneck This time, taking advice from one of wheeled around, his face shifting from his new misophonic buddies, Tabach- warmth to disgust: “What are you do- neck requested a headset for the hearing? Didn’t we talk about this?” he ing impaired and found a seat in the yelled at me. back of the theater. With the head- Johnson says misophones will try set’s padding, the popcorn-chomping anything for relief: “You could say, sounds were dampened, disappearing ‘I’ll hit you on the head with a guitar, as the film filled his ears. He relaxed. and it will cure you,’ and you’d have a “Toward the end,” he says, “I actually hundred people lined up to pay you removed the headphones to hear the $5,000 to hit them on the head.” She’s audience’s reaction to the last few testing a new approach—it uses sound- scenes. And it was totally worth it.”

EXTRA CHEESE

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

@AHUJ9

rd.com | 11•2015 | 107

JOE ROSENTHAL/AP PHOTO American spirit.” to symbolize the identical to thephoto a live image onstage living pictures, creating Shining Seaasoneofthe in my dance From Seato my patriotism.Iusedit Iwo Jima,it appealed to WWII attheBattleof which was taken during “When Isaw thisphoto, choreographer Paul Taylor, by Chosen Rosenthal Joe Photograph by PHOTO rd.com OF LASTING LASTING OF INTEREST

| 11 • 2015 |

109

CULTURE

ousands to ke nt th ep spe my I a sick nd I pet alive, don ’t th in B ink it aga Y M I’d do EL ISS A DAH K L FROM NEW YOR

VEN AS I SAID IT, I knew it was ridiculous and selfish. “Just promise you’ll make it till my 30th birthday,” I said quietly to Kitty, my tiny ten-year-old cat. We E were both under my bed, where she’d decamped the minute we returned home from a long day at the vet. Earlier that day, I’d found out she had a terminal heart condition. Nearly two and a half years later, she’d die from it in an emergency room in the middle of the night. This was a longer prognosis than owners were quick to euthanize, re- any vet had predicted, and yet I can’t questing the procedure at the first stop wondering whether I did the right sign of age, illness, or inconvenience. thing in delaying the inevitable. The Now it’s often the opposite extreme, twice-a-day pills, the bimonthly visits said Bernard Rollin, a professor of to the veterinary cardiologist (which philosophy and animal sciences at almost always included a chest tap, Colorado State University. In a 2011 a risky, invasive procedure), not to paper in the journal Veterinary Clin- mention the vast sums of money ics of North America: Small Practice, spent: Were these things for her, or he wrote, “As animals became increas- were they mostly, selfishly, for me? ingly viewed as members of the fam- Saying goodbye to a pet has never ily, the reluctance to euthanize began been easy, but advances in veterinary to enter veterinary medicine.” care can make it near impossible to A 2013 survey by the American Vet- know when to let go. It’s a quandary erinary Medical Association found that’s unsettlingly similar to issues that two thirds of dog owners consider plaguing human medicine: Just be- their animals part of their families. cause we can extend a life, should we? (The numbers are a bit lower for cats.) Once, the biggest moral dilemma Americans spent $56 billion on their veterinarians faced was that pet pets in 2013, according to the Federal

PHOTOGRAPH BY EVAN KAFKA rd.com | 11•2015 | 111 ANYTHING FOR KITTY

Trade Commission; of that, $7.6 bil- summer, the chest taps increased lion went to prescription and over- in frequency—once, Kitty needed the-counter drugs. Many owners are three in a month. “These are not be- willing to spend significantly on vet- nign and have the potential to cause erinary care: In a 2010 survey of more bleeding,” the vet wrote in the records. than 1,000 pet owners, 32 percent said Yet even as the taps went up to every they’d be somewhat to very likely to other month, the cardiologist (whom spend $5,000 on a single treatment. I liked very much) and I never spoke The cost of treatment for a slow- of prepping for the end of her life. acting illness like Kitty’s was decep- tively exorbitant. I could never agree ETERINARY end-of-life to pay $5,000 in one go, but $300 here, care comes with compli- $75 there? It added up. By the end, I V cations that don’t apply was spending about $150 per month to humans. Animals can’t on medication and $300 to $800 ev- speak. They also can’t comprehend ery other month on visits; once, I paid the trade-off in enduring pain now more than $2,000 for an overnight for the promise of more time later. “All stay in a hyperbaric oxygen cham- they know is, This hurts now,” Rollin ber to help her breathing. I felt equal told me. “And they look up at you, and parts panicky over the expenses and they want you to make it stop. And if guilty over my financial anxiety, and you’re doing it for eight months to I noticed that when discussing treat- garner another three months—you ment with the vet, the question never see what I mean? I don’t think that’s seemed to be what was best in the fair to the animal. The animal doesn’t long run for Kitty (or for me). know anything about the last three Initially for Kitty, a chest tap would months.” For some owners, a decent buy her several months of easier death means pet hospice or at-home breathing, so we decided the discom- euthanasia; for others, it’s deciding fort was worth the cost. I was warned with their vet about when to eutha- she’d eventually need them more nize before an emergency forces them often and that the risk and distress to. In any case, it takes enormous would outweigh the benefits. But for courage to recognize when the animal the moment, they assured, things is at the end of its life. were OK. I focused on the moment. In surgeon Atul Gawande’s 2014 If I’m ever in this situation again, book Being Mortal, he talks about though, I’ll look further ahead. We how to make final years meaningful have the chance to ensure that pets for the aged and the ill. Before your get the planned exits that their hu- loved one is incapacitated, Dr. Gawa- man loved ones often do not. Last nde suggests, clarify what makes life

112 | 11•2015 | rd.com READER’S DIGEST worth living for him or her. One man’s food. The following Monday, she tried list was short: ice cream and college to walk toward me but collapsed half- football. Again: Pets are not people. way there, and I couldn’t deny it any But the lesson applies. “When the an- longer. I took her and headed with my imal gets very sick, particularly with boyfriend to the emergency vet. a terminal disease,” Rollin said, “you The vet suggested we place her in consult that list, and you make sure an oxygen chamber. It wasn’t guaran- your own needs, your own guilt, are teed to help, and it would bring the not prolonging the animal’s suffering.” charges to at least $3,000. If we took I know what was on Kitty’s list: her home, she’d almost certainly die, watching the street from the window, painfully, and within hours. (These something she did with such focus that were the options—even then, no ex- my boyfriend, Andrew, and I called it plicit mention of euthanasia.) Andrew Cat TV; jumping on us when we went and I asked to talk it over. When the to bed, to sleep perched on our backs vet walked out, he left up the screen or sides; and wolfing down the food as with Kitty’s records, and we saw the soon as I dumped it in her bowl. I said alarming frequency of her chest taps earlier that pets can’t speak, but that’s in recent months. We’d asked so much not entirely true, is it? When they stop of her; the financial and emotional doing what they love, they’re telling us cost seemed too great to justify. We they’re getting ready to go. knew what we had to do, though still I made a last attempt to hang on. DON’T KNOW IF Kitty’s health Before the vet gave the initial seda- unraveled after my 30th birth- tive, Kitty swiveled her head wildly I day or that I forced myself to around. I hated that her last moments look at it. One night, she didn’t were spent in such a scary environ- hop up on the bed with us. I couldn’t ment, but it was too late to plan for a recall the last time I’d seen her un- peaceful goodbye. She had been a very wind with Cat TV. The weekend be- good kitty, and we told her so as we fore her death, she hardly touched her stroked her. Finally, I let her go.

SPOILER ALERT

I was an English major in college. I didn’t get a lot of job interviews, but I should have seen that coming. Foreshadowing.

MICHAEL PALASCAK

rd.com | 11•2015 | 113 Laughter THE BEST MEDICINE

“‘Will feed a family of four to six.’ What the heck does that mean?”

AFTER A TALKING SHEEPDOG gets I PUT SO MUCH more effort into all the sheep in the pen, he reports naming my first Wi-Fi than my back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted first child. for.” @1FOLLOWERNODAD (SOPHIA BENOIT) “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. MY DOCTOR TOOK one look at “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But my gut and refused to believe that I rounded them up.” I work out. So I listed the exercises Submitted by NORIE BLOOM, I do every day: jump to conclusions, Honolulu, Hawaii climb the walls, drag my heels,

114 | 11•2015 | rd.com ILLUSTRATION BY BILL ABBOTT push my luck, make mountains out URBANE of molehills, bend over backward, OUTFITTERS run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and Urban Outfitters gives simple beat around the bush. Source: gcfl.net items elaborate descriptions and high prices. Some people THE JAMES BOND FILM Spectre formed the Twitter hashtag opens in November. Writer Peter #UrbanOutfittersbelike Anspach explains how he’d improve to suggest more items the store might soon sell: his odds if he were a film villain. ■ I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I am. Good messengers are hard to come by. ■ My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Vintage Wood Grain 3 3 Also, I will not construct walkways Graphite Stick $ 7. 0 @GRANNYWINKLE above them. ■ If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether to switch with him. ■ My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. Classic Weekender Tote Bag ■ When I’ve captured my adversary $59.99 @GRANTGOGETS and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say no and finish him off. Source: eviloverlord.com

NATURE ABHORS a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does. ANONYMOUS

Vintage Lunch Box $89.98 Nature also abhors a lack of jokes. Send @DJKNOWLEDGE_ us your gags, and get paid if we run them. See page 9 or rd.com/submit for details. Source: businessinsider.com

rd.com | 11•2015 | 115 INSPIRATION

A young woman left a note on the subway for a stranger. What came next was an abundance of love. If You Find This Letter …

BY HANNAH BRENCHER FROM THE BOOK IF YOU FIND THIS LETTER

LOOKED DOWN AT MY SHOES as people filled the train, and then I saw her. I saw her beat-up unlaced construction boots first. I followed the shoes, laceless hole by laceless hole, all the way up to the face of an old woman. She was tiny. She had a Islight slump in her shoulders. She wore a bright red cap. Wisps of gray poked out from beneath it.

116 | 11•2015 | rd.com PHOTOGRAPH BY ALEX MARTINEZ “Writing letters changed my life,” says Brencher. IF YOU FIND THIS LETTER …

As I watched the woman, I thought want to know why? Because it made about the letters my mother wrote me feel something. and how she must have known an I tried to imagine what would make ordinary piece of loose-leaf paper me pick up a letter if I found it on morphs into a love letter when a a random subway train or in a coffee person puts her self into it. Then I shop thinking it might have been for remembered the notebook in the belly me all along. I settled on something of my bag. I would write the woman simple: If you find this letter … then a note and give it to her as I exited it’s for you. I wrote those words on the train, I decided. I could drop it at my first letter. I folded the letter and her feet. placed it behind me. When I got to I pulled the notebook out of my my stop, I planned to let the letter slip bag, turned to a new page, and began down onto the seat as I walked away. writing a letter. The words spilled out At Grand Central Terminal, I waited of me. for the subway doors to open and When I looked up, the woman was then busted out of my seat quickly.

My plan became clear. I would scatter letters all over the city. Then I would write more. gone. I left the letter in my notebook, Darting through the doors, I kept unsure of what to do with it now that walking faster and faster once my feet she would never know that it was hit the platform. My nerves surged. meant for her. There was a whiff of adrenaline as After I wrote that letter, more let- I got farther away from the train, ters to other people I observed came disappearing into the city. marching out of me, one by one, until During the fall of 2010, I kept tuck- soon I had filled up the notebook. ing and leaving, tucking and leaving. Back on the train, just a few days I left the letters everywhere I could. later, the plan became clear. I was I propped them on bathroom sinks. I going to leave the letter I wrote to the slid them into coat pockets in de- woman on the subway for someone partment stores. I left them in fitting else to find. Then I would scatter other rooms. I would stick them into the love letters all over New York City. And seats at work when I would attend once I had set each one in its place, large meetings. I was playing Juliet to

I would write even more. And you the city. BABINSKI; HAIR AND MAKEUP: KAREN TASCON ALYNN PROP STYLIST:

118 | 11•2015 | rd.com READER’S DIGEST

In the months that followed, Brencher A week later, I got a thank-you started her own site, MoreLoveLetters e-mail from Briana’s friend. “It’s not .com, about her project, inspiring that the letters heal you,” she wrote. others to write and leave letters in their “They show you’re not alone and that own communities. Now the website you’re not struggling for nothing.” connects her both to strangers in need After such an amazing response of love letters and to those who want to Briana’s story, I was encouraged to write them. to continue. I’d post a new story on the site and then check for letters at the post office every couple of days. BOUT A YEAR LATER, The postal worker would emerge a woman wrote to me from the back room with a heaping A about her friend Briana, stack of letters or a mail crate, some- a single mother strug- times two. gling to pay the rent. I typed out Bri- I read every letter, then bundled it ana’s story and published it on the up with a note explaining how hun- website, encouraging anyone who dreds of people around the world had read it to mail me letters of encour- come together to write the letters now agement for Briana. I decided that at sitting in the hands of someone who the end of the month, I’d send Briana didn’t expect to get mail beyond bills a bundle of love letters. and coupons that day. A week later, my heart sank as Most of us are good. I know that’s I walked into the town post office and always up for debate, but it feels as if, unlocked PO Box 2061. It was nearly at the core, we are good. And some- empty. There was just a single yellow times we lose. We fight for things. We slip. lose the fight for things. We fail. We “This was left in my box,” I told the get lost. Sometimes we don’t show up man at the front of the post office. at all. “Oh, box 2061,” he said. “You got We make mistakes. We hurt the too much mail, dear. We moved you people who mean more than the to a bigger box.” world to us. And we get hurt. We get I walked away from the post of- rejected. We fail tests. We oversleep. fice with a lot of mail—and a big idea We break promises. We break hearts. about human beings: mainly that if We doubt ourselves. We drink too you give them something to do, a mis- much. We laugh too little. And we are sion, they will show up. At the end of hopeful. that month, I marched the love letter bundle for Briana to the post office WE FOUND OUT ABOUT Luke (not and mailed it off to her. his real name) from his daughter. She

rd.com | 11•2015 | 119 IF YOU FIND THIS LETTER … got a rush of surprise one day when sent cheering for him. She told me she came home and saw a package that one small act had renewed her waiting for her. She knew it was the faith in humanity. love letters she had requested for her father. Luke was in his last round of chemotherapy and having a BOVE ALL STORIES, I rough morning when the bundle will always go back to arrived. A Matt’s from Ohio. He Luke and his daughter sat together e-mailed me one night for hours and read every last one. about two years ago. Matt told me he She wrote, He was filled with so much was getting older. His family and he energy after reading those letters—he’s were disconnected. He didn’t have even begun to make a collage out of many friends. He was starting to be- them. He plans to frame the collage lieve he’d leave nothing behind and and hang it proudly on the wall of his he’d be forgotten. office. The message was sent with no re- Then there was the soldier and turn address attached. There was no his sister. He had the dirt of both way to write back to him, but I hope Afghanistan and Iraq deep in the he reads these words: grooves of his boots. PTSD hung on his Matt, I want you to know: You were shoulders like a cloak when he finally wrong to think you’d be forgotten. And came home. We mailed him a bundle. I was wrong to think people couldn’t One day he called his sister, crying— walk into our lives and shift our his- sitting on the floor and unable to tories in an instant. Because you did speak—over the letters strangers had that for me.

OVERLY EMOTIONAL TECH SUPPORT QUESTIONS

Q Do you often feel like you’ve lost your Control key?

Q Do you worry that you’ll never have enough memory?

Q How’s your relationship with your motherboard?

Q Have you tried turning it off, taking a day for yourself, and then turning it back on?

LUKE STRICKLER via mcsweeneys.net

120 | 11•2015 | rd.com That’s Outrageous! GOOD IDEA ... TOO BAD IT DIDN’T WORK

GOOD IDEA ... two jackets, and A serial bank robber two hats—onto the in Pittsburgh was plane. known to police for ... TOO BAD IT his red beard. So DIDN’T WORK: for his next heist, He passed out he wore a disguise. shortly after ... TOO BAD IT takeoff from heat DIDN’T WORK: exhaustion and The disguise he was taken to a chose was a red hospital upon beard to cover his landing. red beard. The Source: metro.co.uk robber was arrested after his getaway car was recognized GOOD IDEA ... An agoraphobic as belonging to a bank robber conquered her fears of the outdoors with … a red beard. Source: wtae.com and left her house in England for only the third time in ten years. GOOD IDEA ... Someone in Iowa City, ... TOO BAD IT DIDN’T WORK: She Iowa, bought a sculpture made of fell down a manhole while helping “found” items—discarded electron- a friend park her car. Source: dailymail.co.uk ics—and placed it in a space where art is left for public consumption. GOOD IDEA ... In an effort to pro- ... TOO BAD IT DIDN’T WORK: mote Life Savers Ministries, which Authorities thought it was a bomb helps disadvantaged children, the and blew it up. Source: upi.com organization posted a billboard featuring the quote “He alone who GOOD IDEA ... To avoid paying a owns the youth gains the future.” $50 luggage fee, a passenger flying ... TOO BAD IT DIDN’T WORK: to Glasgow, Scotland, chucked his The quote is Adolf Hitler’s. “We are suitcase and wore all his clothes—six pulling the billboard and certainly T-shirts, four sweaters, three pairs of never intended to cause confusion,” blue jeans, two pairs of jogging shorts, said the founder. Source: ledger-enquirer.com

ILLUSTRATION BY NISHANT CHOKSI rd.com | 11•2015 | 121 NATIONAL INTEREST Finding and Stopping THE NEXT MASS SHOOTER

BY TOM JUNOD FROM ESQUIRE

PHOTOGRAPHS BY SPENCER HEYFRON FINDING AND STOPPING THE NEXT MASS SHOOTER

An eye-opening look into the minds of mass shooters, from the FBI unit that is devoted to identifying them and from a wannabe killer who was arrested just in time

OBODY KNOWS who feature of American life, and we know N he is, and nobody very well what follows each one: the knows who he was. shock, the horror, the demonization When he was a young of the guilty, the prayers for the inno- man, his anonymity cent, the calls for action, the finger- fueled his despera- pointing, the paralysis, and, finally, tion, and for a short time, his des- the forgetting. We are so convinced peration made him known. He was the shootings can’t be stopped that we well-known enough to think that don’t even know if anyone is trying to when he came home after eight and stop them. And we are so convinced a half years in prison, there might be the evil they represent is inexplicable cameras waiting on his front lawn. that we don’t try to explicate it. There weren’t. There was just his fam- But we are wrong: Mass shootings ily and the rest of his life. are not unstoppable, and there are So Trunk—a nickname he acquired people trying to stop them. They are when he went away—couldn’t be not inexplicable, because every time more anonymous. He works hard at Trunk hears of one, he understands his college studies, and his academic why it happened and who did it. record is immaculate. He has ambi- Trunk was almost one of them. tions. He has friends. He does not mind being anonymous or feeling alone, because he feels accepted and ALL WE’VE GOT has accepted himself. The outside of the building is non- Trunk does, however, think often of descript by design. In an anonymous the person who is out there right now conference room inside the anony- feeling the way he used to feel. The mous building, a man named Andre person with a grievance. The person Simons sits at the head of the table. with a plan. The person with a gun— He is trim, compact, and alert, with or an arsenal. The person we feel a scalp shaved to a high shine, arched powerless against because we don’t eyebrows, and preternaturally wide- know who he is. All we know is what open eyes. And he is the answer to he—or she—is going to do. the question of who is trying to stop Mass shootings have become a the next shooting.

124 | 11•2015 | rd.com READER’S DIGEST

Within the FBI is the National Cen- belt, a machete, and 2,000 rounds of ter for the Analysis of Violent Crime; ammunition. He was dressed in black, within the NCAVC, there are the and so were his two armed accom- behavioral-analysis units, made plices. To avoid charges of conspiracy famous by movies and TV for profil- and weapons possession, he pleaded ing serial killers. Simons is in charge guilty to carjacking and received of Behavioral Analysis Unit 2, which a ten-year sentence. In prison, he had assesses threats. “Threat assessment” a nickname: Trunk Full of Guns. is a formal discipline—practitioners Prison is, in his opinion, what saved have their own professional organi- him. “I was forced to learn social skills zation and journal. And even though in jail. I’d never had the experience of very few people know what it is, threat assessment is our country’s response to mass shootings, with Simons fore- Part of the shock most among the federal officials trying to implement it on a national level. of any mass shooting Part of the shock of any mass shoot- is the helplessness we ing is the helplessness we feel in its feel in its wake— wake—our inability to answer with anything more than stuffed animals our inability to answer and futile politics. When you start re- with anything more searching the question of what the United States is doing to stop mass than stuffed animals shootings, what’s remarkable is the and futile politics. degree to which the arena has been turned over to the people who do threat assessment. Threat assessment is not talking to other people. In jail, I had no just the best we’ve got; it’s all we’ve got. choice. If you don’t know how to talk to people, you get crushed.” He also became reflective, especially “I WAS SPECIAL” when the prison TV showed the latest Trunk, now 31, could be anyone from shooter. He knew shooters—he knew anywhere. When you look at him, you what they had gone through because see somebody’s son; when you look of what he had gone through. So when again, you see a photo on the front he got an e-mail asking if he had ideas page of the paper. He could be both. about stopping shootings, he volun- He has been both. Eleven years ago, teered to talk, if only so that others he was arrested with a military-grade might assess the threat—and yes, the rifle slung on his back, a pistol in his humanity—of people like him.

rd.com | 11•2015 | 125 FINDING AND STOPPING THE NEXT MASS SHOOTER

It started with a thought, Trunk “the active shooter,” says Simons, says. “I’d be lying in bed wondering “tends more often than not to be mo- what I was doing wrong. Why didn’t tivated by a deeply personal grievance anybody like me? … So I started think- tinged with feelings of persecution ing they were losers. I started thinking and humiliation, real and perceived, that they didn’t like me because they whereas terrorists are oftentimes going were afraid of me—because I had to be motivated by more ideological power and they didn’t. Because I was reasons.” For another, mass shooters special. And that’s when it all really are almost always American citizens. got started: when I began thinking When Simons is asked what his I was special.” team does, he talks about what it doesn’t do. “We don’t do behavioral BYSTANDERS WANTED “The national Mass shooters have supplanted mind-set is that serial killers and possibly terrorists as a symbol of ultimate evil. Since 9/11, mass shooters are there have been 20 lethal terrorist determined to go attacks in the United States, resulting in the deaths of 46 people. Accord- through with it no ing to USA Today, there have been matter what. That is 346 mass shootings (incidents in which four or more people are killed) absolutely not since 1999, with some 15 percent the case.” described as “public” shootings— stranger to stranger. Nearly 1,700 people have died; many more have been checklists. We don’t do stings. We are wounded. What America feared after not proactively scraping the Internet the 9/11 attacks—that it would be per- for offenders … We react.” Instead, petually attacked by outsiders calling the agents depend on what Simons themselves Americans—finally has calls “the human bystander.” They transpired, only with an awful twist: It depend on somebody giving someone is perpetually attacked by Americans else the creeps. Though he acknowl- who call themselves outsiders. edges that many bystanders are frag- Mass shootings are like terrorism in ile resources—“it’s usually the people that they are meant to terrorize. But closest to an individual who are best that doesn’t mean shooters can be in- positioned to observe those kinds of vestigated as terrorists. For one thing, concerning behaviors and at the same

126 | 11•2015 | rd.com READER’S DIGEST time the most reluctant to report”— voted “Biggest Loser” but rather “Most his team members have no choice but Bashful.” Bashful? “I was like, When to wait for a concerned person to tell did this happen? They were trying to them about a person of concern. reach out to me, but I couldn’t see it.” We think of perpetrators of targeted During his last year in high school, violence as psychopaths—isolated, his mind kept telling him that he was motivated, and conscienceless—or an outcast, and he withdrew. “It was troubled individuals who “just snap.” me against the world,” he says. All he According to the tenets of threat needed was another outcast to hang assessment, they are neither. “The out with. He found one in a friend of people who carry out these attacks his younger brother’s. They thought typically do them out of a sense of the same way: They were special, desperation,” says Marisa Randazzo, and everyone else was ordinary. They a former Secret Service chief psy- played a lot of video games “about chologist who is a managing partner people who are special rising over ev- at Sigma Threat Management Asso- eryone else to save the world.” ciates. “They typically have been of People have blamed video games for concern to people who know them inciting violence. “Video games just go for long periods of time. And when with the territory,” Trunk says. “Like we did interviews with school shoot- writing in a journal. No journal ever ers, they expressed a level of am- caused a shooting. It’s just part of the bivalence that surprised me. Part of landscape. It’s a symptom.” them felt they had to go through with The guns were another matter. Or, it; part of them felt they didn’t want how the guns fueled his thinking. to at all. Part of them looked for en- There were 14 of them in a locked couragement; part of them looked for closet, a few feet away. One of his ear- someone to stop them. The national liest memories was of his father sitting mind-set is that they’re determined on his couch cleaning his guns. His to go through with it no matter what. father was a member of the NRA and That is absolutely not the case.” believed in the God-given right to bear arms. But what did that mean to a boy “IT WAS ME like him? It meant that God wanted him to have a gun. It meant that deep AGAINST THE WORLD” down, he was a warrior. When he got out of prison, Trunk Trunk never shot guns when he was went home and found his high school a kid. He wasn’t interested—until he yearbook. He was shocked. His class- joined forces with another outcast. mates had signed it. Girls had given Then he opened the closet. And there him their numbers. He hadn’t been was power. It is the part of his story

rd.com | 11•2015 | 127 he wants to make sure people know: in the wee hours of the morning to “If there were no guns in the picture, argue that their intent was not murder- it wouldn’t have happened the way it ous. He contends that what prosecu- did.” Wouldn’t he have gotten weap- tors alleged—that they’d targeted three ons in any way he could? “There is no classmates and then wanted to kill as way I would have bought an illegal many people as possible—was never firearm. I wouldn’t have known how. the plan. “Come on—it was three in I would have been too scared.” the morning, and we tried to hijack It was July 6. “We picked the Fourth a car. None of us could drive. That just of July weekend so none of the par- shows how unrealistic we were. When ents would be home,” Trunk says. the carjacking didn’t work”—when “When we were loading [our weap- the victim sped off—“we were already ons], I was so high-strung, but at the in abort. We were on our way back same time, I was so somber, as if our to my house when the cop stopped dog had just died. Not because we us. I had never seen someone do thought we were going to die—we a real double take before. Like in all thought we were going to survive a cartoon … He had stopped three it; that shows how detached I was people dressed in black trench coats from the situation. But it felt like I and armed with guns and machetes. was going to a job I hated. I would He jumped behind the door of his car have loved to have been doing any- and told us to drop them. I saw that thing else. It was all rote; it was all just he was shaking. I kept thinking that he going through the motions.” must have a family. I was like, ‘I don’t He uses the fact that they went out want to be the bad guy.’ I still thought

128 | 11•2015 | rd.com READER’S DIGEST of myself as a decent person … I told and knowing what to do about it. the others to drop their weapons. They Threat assessment was meant to were flabbergasted. We had com- address the gap. At the end of 2013, mands. We’d developed hand signs, then–attorney general Eric Holder and I gave them the sign to stand credited Simons’s unit with prevent- down. And that was it.” ing 148 mass shootings and violent attacks, a figure that Simons has had BLOCKING THE to defend ever since. “Our success will always be hard to quantify, since PATHWAY success is defined as the lack of an What brought the person to your event. But none of the cases we have attention? Does the person harbor supported have gone on to do a mass a grievance or carry a grudge? shooting or a mass event,” he says. Has the person communicated Simons has never prevented a shoot- an intent to attack? Has the person ing in the way that might reassure us written anything, anywhere, about his most—he has never predicted an or her intentions and ideas? attack and then shown up with his Has the person shown an interest guns blazing. He says he has had a in other attacks or other attackers? In hand in interventions involving men assassins? In mass murders? In terror and women on pathways that might or terrorists? In weapons? have ended in mass shootings and Has the person developed a plan? has done this at least 500 times since Has the person acquired weapons? 2010. But he has also had to show up six times at scenes of primal horror— These are some of the questions that where mass shootings had taken place. experts like Simons have developed On April 30, 2014, deputies from for the purpose of assessing threats. the sheriff’s office in Santa Barbara But the hard part is what to do when County, California, went to the apart- the questions identify a person as a ment of Elliot Rodger, a 22-year-old threat. Most of the time, he—odds are, college dropout. They were making it will be a male, although female a “check the welfare” visit because attackers exist—cannot be charged, of a call they had received from because he hasn’t committed a crime. Rodger’s “social counselor”—an ac- He also can’t be committed, because quaintance hired to help Rodger fit he doesn’t represent an imminent risk in. The counselor had spoken up to himself or others. He falls into what because of a call he received from law-enforcement officials tend to call Rodger’s mother. And his mother had “the gap,” the place between knowing called because she had seen a video that a person represents a threat her son had posted on YouTube and

rd.com | 11•2015 | 129 FINDING AND STOPPING THE NEXT MASS SHOOTER intuited that he was on the pathway weapons did not come up.” She adds, to violence. “We have a threat-assessment team, None of this is news. A month later, but they weren’t assigned to the wel- Rodger accomplished his “Day of fare check. However, all California Retribution,” when he attacked and law-enforcement officers receive some killed six people, and the April 30 call basic training in threat assessment.” became infamous as a missed oppor- If Elliot Rodger had been a Paki- tunity. “So what do you expect them stani immigrant, would the deputies to do? They go there, he looks normal, have left his apartment without ask- he acts normal,” says former New York ing basic questions? For better or for City police commissioner Ray Kelly. worse, the prospect of terror creates “People ask why they didn’t search investigatory obligations that the the house … He’d have to give con- vague possibility of a mass shooting sent. And you couldn’t get a search simply does not. warrant. It was a wellness check, OK?” It is fitting, then, that Simons’s The visit demonstrates the feckless- Behavioral Analysis Unit 2 is down the ness of law enforcement in the face of hall from Behavioral Analysis Unit 1: someone planning a mass shooting, counterterrorism. They work closely even when law enforcement stares together. The difference is that BAU1 a mass shooter in the face. What else works with the U.S. Department of could the deputies have done? They Homeland Security and the Joint Ter- could have watched the videos that rorism Task Force, and BAU2 works had elicited concern and asked about with local law enforcement and is them. They could have asked to come underfinanced and underresourced. inside. And they could have asked the Simons has only ten agents. question that indicates more than anything else a person’s evolution NO ONE WENT into a person of concern: “Have you recently acquired a weapon?” NEAR HIM Rodger had recently bought three. Trunk wishes he could have spoken to It didn’t matter that they were legal Rodger before the shooting. “I can see or that he had the right to them. The exactly where he was coming from— great advantage of threat assessment the reasoning behind it. If you’ve ever is that it renders those considerations been on the side of the fence where irrelevant. It understands that guns you are an outcast, it hurts. Why me? are intrinsic to violence. But the Santa Why do they get to have all the fun? … Barbara deputies didn’t ask. He wanted so much to be accepted, According to the sheriff’s spokes- he was willing to kill other people. woman, Kelly Hoover, “the issue of That means I know he had nights

130 | 11•2015 | rd.com READER’S DIGEST when he cried himself to sleep and a threat-assessment protocol already prayed to God, whether he believed in place,” says Michelle Keeney of the in God or not. National Threat Assessment Center. “I read my journals [from] before “What these people need,” says the night we went out. It was all ‘If Simons, “are alternatives to violence. only’—‘if only I could go out with They are often unable or unwilling this girl, join this team, go out to this to articulate to themselves that there place.’ I wanted attention. If someone are alternatives to violence. They have would have come up to me and said, shut that door. Our job is to open other ‘You don’t have to do this, you don’t doors for them so that they don’t go have to have this strange strength, through the last door they think they we accept you,’ I would have broken have left.” down and given up.” At this very moment in America, In many ways, Trunk could be someone is arming himself and plan- a poster child for threat assessment. ning to kill as many people as pos- He followed a pathway to violence— sible. That is a matter of certainty. or averted violence—that was almost Can he be stopped? Yes—but that exactly in accord with the one charted is almost a matter of faith. He can by people like Simons. A threat- be stopped if he can be identi- assessment team could have inter- fied. He can be stopped if he can be vened before he had to begin his life as assessed. He can be stopped if he Trunk Full of Guns. But no one came can be managed. He can be stopped near him—no teacher, no school psy- if Andre Simons and Trunk get what chologist, no parent. The threat that he they want—if someone sees him, presented remained unassessed. notices him, and wonders who he is “The best chance for [a potential and what he’s doing. shooter] to be stopped is for him to be connected to an institution that has Tom Junod is a writer at large at Esquire.

THE SLOWEST NEWS DAY

Listeners who tuned in to the BBC on April 18, 1930, heard a once-in-a-lifetime bulletin: “There is no news today,” the host announced. Piano music followed.

Source: forbes.com

rd.com | 11•2015 | 131 Wilma Diagnosed with polycythemia vera (PV).

TROUBLE Bone CONCENTRATING Pain

DIZZINESS

Understanding your PV State of Mine Polycythemia vera, or PV, is a rare blood cancer in which the body makes too many red blood cells. The body may also have too many white blood cells and platelets (blood clotting cells) in your blood, but having too many red blood cells is thought to cause many of the problems associated with PV. PV is a chronic, progressive disease. That means it doesn’t go away and that it may get worse over time. It’s important to understand your PV and work with your Healthcare Professional in managing your condition. As you work with your Healthcare Professional to understand and assess your condition, it is helpful to know your PV State of Mine. Be aware of your blood counts, how you feel, and how PV affects your daily life. Be sure to mention any symptoms you have, even if you are not sure the symptoms are related to your PV. Talking to your Healthcare Professional about your symptoms helps you both understand how PV is affecting you, and monitor how your PV is changing over time. “I THINK THE MOST STRESSFUL THING IS THE UNKNOWN.”

“I kept having dizzy spells and confusion with my words, unable to make complete sentences. I thought I was just overworked, but a month later, after bloodwork and other tests, I was diagnosed with PV. As the disease progressed, I started experiencing bone pain. The bone pain was the ´QDOVWUDZ,NQHZ,QHHGHGWRWDONWRP\GRFWRU«

It’s important to regularly evaluate your PV Knowing your PV State of Mine may help you recognize when something isn’t right with your PV. Take an active role in talking to your Healthcare Professional. Register at PVStateOfMine.com for free resources that can help you get that conversation started.

Know your PV State of Mine. Be sure to tell your Healthcare Professional if you experience any of the following symptoms:

Common PV symptoms Symptoms related to

FTiredness or fatigue FHeadaches or enlarged spleen in PV

dizziness F FItching, especially Pain or discomfort after a warm shower FBone pain or under your left ribs

muscle aches F FSweating (at night Feeling full when you or during the day) FConcentration haven’t eaten or have problems eaten very little

WHO KNEW

We’re extremely stingy about 13 Things 2 fuel. It’s expensive to carry because it’s heavy, so keeping levels Airlines low saves us a lot of money. But it also means if there’s rough weather or an unexpected delay, we’re more Won’t Tel l You likely to make an emergency landing because we’re running out of gas. BY MICHELLE CROUCH If your flight is overbooked, don’t Here’s what a safety demo doesn’t 3 accept the first $200 voucher we 1 say: We dim cabin lights at night offer. We typically keep increasing so your eyes are adjusted to the dark the offer until we have enough vol- if you need to find a way out. We put unteers willing to give up their seats. up tray tables at takeoff and landing If we don’t get enough volunteers so passengers next to you can escape and have to bump you involuntarily, if needed. And you should open your insist on cash compensation instead window shade, so if there’s a crash, (many airlines will write you a check firefighters can see inside. at the airport). Department of ➸

ILLUSTRATION BY SERGE BLOCH rd.com | 11•2015 | 135 13 THINGS AIRLINES WON’T TELL YOU

Transportation rules say you’re If your flight is canceled, get entitled to as much as $1,300 in cash, 9 in line at the ticket desk or the depending on your ticket price and gate counter—but also get on the how long you are delayed. phone. You’ll probably reach an airline phone agent before you get to If you book a group trip, search the frazzled agent behind the desk. 4 for only one ticket at a time. Why? Because if you search for, We pay a fee every time you say, four tickets, and we have only 10 book through price-comparison three at the lowest fare, all four are online sites like TripAdvisor and bumped to a higher price bracket. Orbitz, so we’re making it harder for you to use them. Some airlines Some airlines don’t allow two (Delta, Southwest) don’t release 5 pilots flying together to eat food fares at all to certain third-party sites. from the same source within an hour of each other. Either they have to eat Check the seat map about four at different restaurants, or one waits 11 days (100 hours) before your at least an hour to make sure the flight. That’s when we start upgrad- other doesn’t get poisoned or sick. ing fliers from coach to business and some of the best seats open up. Lost your luggage? Don’t delay 6 reporting it—even if the lines to We are totally disgusted when do so are long. Most of us require 12 we see you walking around you to file a report within a very barefoot on the plane. That carpet? short time period. If you miss the Everything you can imagine has been deadline, your claim may be denied. spilled on it: vomit, milk, baby pee, and blood, to name a few. You’re not imagining it: Our 7 seats really are getting tinier. In If we cancel your flight, we the Boeing 777s used for long-haul 13 will offer to put you on an- international flights, we recently other one. But you should also know shrank the seats by one inch so we that even if you have a “nonrefund- could fit an extra seat in each row. able” fare, we will give you your money back if you ask. You don’t want that pretzel you 8 Sources: Charlie Leocha, chairman and cofounder dropped on the tray table. Most of Travelers United, a consumer travel organization; airlines don’t clean trays between Melisse Hinkle, head of content and social media at cheapflights.com; Chris Lopinto, cofounder and flights. Before you touch anything, president of expertflyer.com; Rick Ingersoll, author of Frugal Travel Guy Handbook; George Hobica, founder clean it with sanitizing wipes. of airfarewatchdog.com; and a captain for a regional airline

136 | 11•2015 | rd.com Flights of Fancy SPONSORED CONTENT A Book of Poetry, Prose, and Tolerance of Uncertainty Imaginative Short Stories John Bancroft Bernadette Bland www.authorhouse.com www.iuniverse.com $28.99 hc | $19.95 sc | $3.99 eb $8.95 sc | $6.99 eb

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Four Score and More World War II My Memoir, History and Letters Home a Family Legacy Audrey Fahlberg LaVera Edick www.xlibris.com www.traﬀ ord.com $29.99 hc | $19.99 sc | $3.99 eb $31.55 hc | $21.55 sc | $3.99 eb

Four Score and More unravels LaVera Edick’s inspiring Capturing the horrif c, heroic and romantic life story about her growing up years on a farm, and of memories of war, World War II Letters Home is a her family and ancestors, pioneers who cut the trails moving testament of faith, sacrif ce and true love and paved the roads for their journey through life. that gives readers a delightful dose of romance and history in a way only letters can. Life’s Essential Primer Adventures, Choices, and Cunningly Smart Phones The Success They Can Bring Deceit, Manipulation, and Private Thoughts Revealed Robert C. Trautman Jack M. Wedam www.xlibris.com www.xlibris.com $29.99 hc | $19.99 sc | $3.99 eb $29.99 hc | $19.99 sc | $3.99 eb Your current level of success (or failure) is the product of choices you’ve made throughout your Technologies originally intended to identify life. Life’s Essential Primer provides a practical guide potential terrorist are now used by corporations designed to help you make the choices that lead to trample your privacy. Author Jack Wedam most directly to greater success and happiness. presents references and documents that show how technologies can now practically read your mind and manipulate you to enhance their prof ts. WHO KNEW?

6 Foods You’d Never Guess Were American BY BRANDON SPECKTOR Garlic Bread We thought it was from: ITALY It’s actually from: MICHIGAN One tale is that soldiers serving in Italy during World War II were spoiled on bruschetta—a classic dish of toasted bread drizzled with olive oil. Savvy chefs met the returning troops’ demand by slathering toasted white bread with garlic and margarine. In 1970, Cole’s Breads planted a foodie flag in Michigan

by selling the world’s first frozen garlic bread. AHEIRLOOM.COM COURTESY CUTTING BOARDS

Chimichanga We thought it was from: MEXICO It’s actually from: ARIZONA Several chefs claim the chimi as theirs, including the founder of El Charro Café. In 1950, she Fortune Cookie fumbled a burrito We thought it was from: CHINA into some frying It’s actually from: CALIFORNIA oil, she says. Tweaking a Japanese recipe, There were kids Makoto Hagiwari claims his San around, so she Francisco teahouse invented blurted out the modern paper-stuffed “chimichanga” fortune cookie in 1914; David instead of the Jung says it was his Los cuss word she Angeles noodle shop in 1918. wanted to. Your fortune says: Only fools The name, like go to war over cookies. the oil, stuck.

138 | 11•2015 | rd.com PHOTOGRAPHS BY CLAIRE BENOIST German Chocolate Cake We thought it was from: GERMANY It’s actually from: MASSACHUSETTS The man who invented the sweet, dark chocolate at the core of this cake wasn’t German, but his name was. Boston baker Sam German created a new type of baking chocolate for Baker Chocolate Company in 1852; 100 years later, a Dallas paper popular- ized the recipe for “German chocolate cake.” English Muffin We thought it was from: ENGLAND It’s actually from: NEW YORK It’s not English, and it’s not a muffin—what’s the deal? Turns out Samuel Bath Thomas actually called his creations “toaster crumpets” when he debuted them at his New York bakery, which opened in 1880. The term English muffins came later, but Thomas’ can still be seen on them in grocery stores today.

Cuban Sandwich We thought it was from: CUBA It’s actually from: FLORIDA There’s a beef over this ham: Did it originate in Tampa or Miami? While the cities feud, this much is agreed upon: Cuban sandwiches started as a cheap lunch offered to Cuban immigrants working in Florida cigar factories in the late 1800s, and their popularity grew with the population. PROP STYLIST: SARAH GUIDO-LAAKSO; FOOD STYLIST: STYLIST: FOOD GUIDO-LAAKSO; SARAH PROP STYLIST: HALLEY RESOURCES) FOR ED GABRIELS (BOTH

rd.com | 11•2015 | 139 WHO KNEW?

Without Teddy Roosevelt, there would be no Starbucks Unlikely Legacies of

BY BRANDON U.S. P r e s i d e n t s SPECKTOR

Theodore Roosevelt Those relaxed cafés were designed (1901–1909) as an antidote to the cramped, get-in- Unlikely Legacy: get-out roasters that catered primarily ARTISANAL COFFEE SHOPS to new immigrants in Manhattan. Teddy Roosevelt was a famous coffee According to Roosevelt’s son Philip, fiend, known to tromp about the the Double R intended to “provide a White House swigging from a mug place for people to talk, write letters, “more in nature of a bathtub,” eat sandwiches and cake, and above according to his son. Consummate all, drink real coffee.” Imported beans leader that he was, Teddy instilled were roasted on-site and prepared at those pro-java values in his family, a counter in the middle of the store, and in 1919, his daughter and her providing the template for what husband, his three sons, and a cousin would become an American business opened a cozy chain of New York staple decades later. Naturally, coffee shops called the Roosevelts’ Teddy’s grinning portrait hung from Brazilian Coffee House—later re- the flagship store’s wall—a mark of named the Double R Coffee House— approval from one of the White

with four locations in New York City. House’s biggest coffee-snobs-in-chief. HALLEY RESOURCES FOR GUIDO-LAAKSO SARAH PROP STYLIST:

LATTE ART BY BARISTART 140 | 11•2015 | rd.com PHOTOGRAPH BY CLAIRE BENOIST Thomas Jefferson giant, extinct sloth never before (1801–1809) seen in America. It was later named Unlikely Legacy: PALEONTOLOGY Megalonyx Jeffersonii. A true Renaissance nerd, Jefferson pursued scholarly interests both Franklin D. Roosevelt famous (authoring the Declaration (1933–1945) of Independence) and overlooked Unlikely Legacy: (rebuilding the burned-down Library A NEW TYPE OF MYSTERY of Congress with more than 6,400 One day in 1935, FDR met with a books from his own collection). But friend to discuss a matter of national his oddest hobby? Bone collecting. import: the declining quality of In the early 1800s, paleontology was mystery novels. as rough around the edges as America “Hundreds are published every was. Jefferson, for one, believed it year, but even in the good ones, impossible that any species could go there is a sameness,” Roosevelt told extinct. So in 1804, he funded the his lunch companion, Liberty maga- Lewis and Clark expedition in partial zine editor Fulton Oursler. “Some- hopes that they would track down a one finds the corpse, and then the herd of live woolly mammoths alleged detective tracks down the murderer.” to roam the Mississippi River Valley. Oursler asked Roosevelt if he had The mammoths weren’t there, but any better ideas. Turns out, he did. their bones were. This was incentive FDR wondered, How could a well- enough for Jefferson to finance Clark known businessman disappear with on an 1807 follow-up mission to $5 million of his own money and Kentucky with the express purpose never be traced? Though Oursler of collecting fossils. The trip turned wrote his own mysteries under the up more than 300 bone samples, name Anthony Abbott, he didn’t which Jefferson gleefully spread out have an answer for FDR—but he across several rooms of the White knew who might. Soliciting chapters House for study. Rarities, like the from six of the day’s top mystery writ- mammoth skull, he kept for America; ers and contributing one of his own, duplicates, he mailed to France. Oursler expanded Roosevelt’s idea Ultimately, Jefferson’s nerdy into a serial mystery published over hobby helped legitimize paleontol- six issues of Liberty and later as the ogy in America, even as it led critics book The President’s Mystery Story. to call the president Mr. Mammoth. Within a year, Hollywood adapted He gifted at least 50 mastodon bones it as The President’s Mystery, billing it to the American Philosophical as “Franklin D. Roosevelt’s tale of Society and was key in identifying a suspense.” As if his legacy needs any

rd.com | 11•2015 | 141 WHO KNEW? more burnishing, FDR remains the only prez to earn a film-writing credit while in office.

Abraham Lincoln (1861–1865) Unlikely Legacy: DOGS NAMED FIDO Abraham Lincoln literally refused to harm a bug; as a young boy in Kentucky, he once scolded his play- mates: “An ant’s life was to it as sweet as ours to us.” Abe loved dozens of animals throughout his life, bringing to the White House a veritable pet- ting zoo of rabbits, goats, ponies, and a trio of orphaned kittens res- cued from a Union army camp—but he may have adored his yellow mutt, Fido, most. Fido entered the Lincolns’ Spring- field, Illinois, household in 1855 and quickly became a family fixture. Locals saw the canine in the street learning mock circus tricks from Lincoln’s sons, sauntering alongside Abe on market trips, and, to Mary Todd’s horror, greeting houseguests with muddy paw shakes. Sadly, Fido was too big and skittish to join the Lincolns in the White House in 1861, but he joined his new owners at the Springfield train station for Abe’s farewell speech. When Lincoln’s casket returned home in May 1865, Fido was there to greet it. Funeral coverage turned Fido “the Lincoln Dog” into the most famous mutt in America, his name suddenly READER’S DIGEST synonymous with the family pooch. became such a fan that he ordered A century and a half later, it still is. three and a half tons of red, white, and blue beans for his 1980 inaugu- Ronald Reagan ration party. For the rest of Reagan’s (1981–1989) term, Jelly Belly was a White House Unlikely Legacy: staple. The president offered custom JELLY BEANS … IN SPACE jelly bean jars to visiting dignitaries, When Ronald Reagan wanted to made sure all his haunts on Capitol give up pipe smoking in the 1960s, Hill were well stocked, and even in- he decided to replace one vice with stalled a custom bean holder on Air another. He went with jelly beans. Force One. Thanks to Reagan’s free News of Reagan’s candy crush publicity, Jelly Belly had a backlog of reached the Herman Goelitz Candy orders for more than a year, and it Company, which began sending free wasn’t long before business literally shipments of Goelitz-brand beans rocketed through the stratosphere. In directly to the governor’s office. 1983, astronauts aboard the space Reagan was in heaven. shuttle Challenger opened a package After the Goelitz company debuted from the president. The contents? its Jelly Belly brand in 1976, Reagan What else but Jelly Belly. WHO KNEW?

You Can Count on ...

BY BRANDON SPECKTOR

■ Forty is the only number in ■ It took chemists 40 attempts to English whose letters appear in develop the magical spray we know alphabetical order. as … wait for it … WD-40 (full name: ■ Minus 40 degrees, or “40 below,” is Water Displacement, 40th formula). the only temperature that is the same ■ In literature, 40 is the number in both Fahrenheit and Celsius. of thieves Ali Baba clashes with in ■ When the bubonic plague gripped Arabian Nights. Europe during the Middle Ages, ■ Also, 40 is the number of winks ships would be isolated in harbor Dr. William Kitchiner suggests taking for 40 days before passengers could for a perfect nap. go ashore. The Italian word for 40 is ■ In religion, 40 seems to be quaranta—hence quarantine. shorthand for “a long time.” Jesus ■ There are 40 spaces on a standard spent 40 days fasting in the wilder- Monopoly board. Proving that life ness being tempted by the devil; is a gamble, the game gives players the great flood lasted 40 days and equal odds (one in 40) of going 40 nights; the Jewish people directly to jail or winning the Free wandered the desert for 40 years. Parking lottery. ■ And if you need more evidence ■ Forty is the maximum number that 40 sounds like a lot, please see of players a Major League Baseball the standard American workweek: team can sign to its roster at once. 40 hours. ■ Forget “nine months”; a typical Sources: todayifoundout.com, npr.org, dicegames.org, mlbdailydish.com, babycenter.com, wd40.com, britannica

pregnancy actually lasts 40 weeks. .com, gutenberg.net, and dol.gov ROBIN FINLAY PROP STYLIST:

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Come Cook Online with Us Learn the Skills You Join a passionate community of Need to Do It Yourself like-minded home cooks and become DIY University makes it easy: a better cook with recipes, expert • Step-by-step, easy to follow instructions instruction, and techniques that will last a lifetime. • Tool and material lists for each project Take a FREE online class and get • Exclusive “Ask the Expert” feature – get your started today! speciﬁc questions answered within 24 hours Try a FREE online class today!

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o l n o li o ne h D y c sc I Y sit ooking Univer WHO KNEW? The kernel spins A “leg” of fluffy starch in the air while emerges and kicks the its innards kernel into the air. bloom outward. At 212°F, water turns into steam.

At 356°F, the Escaping kernel reaches vapor creates critical heat a resonant and bursts. pop. An unpopped One fifteenth of a kernel is second later: Voilà! mostly starch Tasty popcorn. and water.

BY BRANDON Why Popcorn Pops SPECKTOR

THE BIG BANG may still lightning-fast circus act occurs: befuddle us, but scientists just took A “leg” of fluffy starch emerges from a giant leap toward understanding the fractured hull, kicking it up a few the smaller (and arguably more centimeters in a gymnast-like spin. important) bang that happens in Water vapor bursts from the hull as it your microwave. Thanks to a team does when you uncork a Champagne of French researchers, we now have bottle, emitting that signature pop- the most complete picture yet of corn pop. The hull continues to bloom popcorn’s seed-to-snack transition. as it flips and cools, finally convert- Inside every popcorn kernel’s ing that hot vapor and starch into shell, there’s a tiny droplet of water the popcorn fluff we know and love. surrounded by a mesh of mostly At the end of the show, each starch. At 212 degrees Fahrenheit, inside-out kernel is about twice as the water turns into steam and mixes large and one eighth as dense as it with the starch to create a hot, doughy was pre-pop. Whether you should mass. Pressure builds in the hull cover yours in butter or olive oil is until finally, at 356 degrees, it bursts. a question for another day.

In the next 15th of a second, a Sources: Interface, the Telegraph, and Los Angeles Times ROBIN FINLAY PROP STYLIST:

146 | 11•2015 | rd.com PHOTOGRAPH BY ADAM VOORHES Advertisement

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This plan provides insurance coverage that only applies during the covered trip. You may have coverage from other sources that provides you with similar beneﬁts but may be subject to different restrictions depending upon your other coverages. You may wish to compare the terms of this policy with your existing life, health, home, and automobile insurance policies. If you have any questions about your current coverage, call your insurer or insurance agent or broker. Coverage is offered by Travel Guard Group, Inc (Travel Guard). California lic. no.0B93606, 3300 Business Park Drive, Stevens Point, WI 54482, www.travelguard.com. CA DOI toll free number: 800-927-HELP. This is only a brief description of the coverage(s) available. The Policy will contain reductions, limitations, exclusions and termination provisions. Insurance underwritten by National Union Fire Insurance Company of Pittsburgh, Pa., a Pennsylvania insurance company, with its principal place of business at 175 Water Street, 15th Floor, New York, NY 10038. It is currently authorized to transact business in all states and the District of Columbia. NAIC No. 19445. Coverage may not be available in all states. Your travel retailer may not be licensed to sell insurance, and cannot answer technical questions about the beneﬁts, exclusions, and conditions of this insurance and cannot evaluate the adequacy of your existing insurance. The purchase of travel insurance is not required in order to purchase any other product or service from the travel retailer. Travel assistance services provided by Travel Guard. 1515 06/15/15 IT PAYS TO INCREASE YOUR Word Power

Shakespeare’s princely Hamlet is the character who mopes about muttering, “Words, words, words.” Here, from the venerable play by the Bard, are some words (in their root form) you can actively employ today. If, tragically, you need answers, consult the next page.

BY EMILY COX & HENRY RATHVON

1. impetuous (im-'peh-choo-wes) 10. beguile (bih-'giyl) v.— adj.—A: full of questions. B: schem- A: bond or form a union. B: deceive. ing. C: rash. C: leave stranded. 2. traduce (truh-'doos) v.—A: shame 11. felicity (fih-'lih-suh-tee) n.— using lies. B: parry with a sword. A: ill fortune. B: faithful devotion. C: exchange for a profit. C: happiness. 3. whet ('wet) v.—A: sharpen or 12. sully ('suh-lee) v.—A: answer stimulate. B: moisten. C: hasten. back smartly. B: drizzle. C: defile or tarnish. 4. rub ('ruhb) n.—A: piece of gossip. B: difficulty. C: good-luck charm. 13. malefactor ('ma-luh-fak-tuhr) n.—A: masculine quality. 5. germane (jer-'mayn) adj.— B: one who commits an offense. A: poisonous. B: relevant. C: ghostly. C: swear word. 6. incorporeal (in-kor-'por-ee-uhl) 14. exhort (ig-'zort) v.—A: dig up. adj.—A: using military might. B: hav- B: overthrow or dethrone. C: urge ing no body. C: full of tiny holes. strongly. 7. wax ('waks) v.—A: grow smaller. 15. quintessence (kwin-'teh-sents) B: grow larger. C: grow a mustache. n.—A: most typical example. 8. paragon ('par-uh-gahn) n.— B: one fifth. C: fluidity in language A: mounted soldier. B: five-sided or spoken word. figure. C: example of excellence. 9. calumny ('ka-luhm-nee) n.— To play an interactive version of A: row of pillars. B: disaster. Word Power on your iPad, download the C: character attack. Reader’s Digest app.

rd.com | 11•2015 | 149 WORD POWER Answers

1. impetuous—[C] rash. Jenny walks 9. calumny—[C] character attack. up and impetuously hugs complete If you can’t win a debate with reason, strangers. try outright calumny. 2. traduce—[A] shame using lies. 10. beguile—[B] deceive. Don’t let Jed loves to watch politicians on the mermaids beguile you with their TV traducing each other with bogus siren songs. statistics. 11. felicity—[C] happiness. Nothing 3. whet—[A] sharpen or stimulate. could diminish the felicity of the fam- The aroma of turkey was all I needed ily’s first holiday together in years. to whet my Thanksgiving appetite. 12. sully—[C] defile or tarnish. It 4. rub—[B] difficulty. Playing hooky would take only one blowhard to is easy, but not getting caught— sully the mayor’s reputation. there’s the rub. 13. malefactor—[B] one who com- 5. germane—[B] relevant. Your mits an offense. Upon seeing some- Honor, my client’s nickname—Light one pulled over by a traffic cop, my Fingers—is not germane to this case dad used to announce, “There goes of theft. another malefactor!” 6. incorporeal—[B] having no 14. exhort—[C] urge strongly. body. After supper, Grandfather sat The candidate exhorted the crowd us down by the fire to make the right for a tale of the DARK DOINGS choice come incorporeal beings Election Day. The moody Hamlet is supposedly haunt- often called the melan- 15. quintessence— ing his house. choly Dane. Melancholy [A] most typical 7. wax—[B] grow means gloomy, but it example. The larger. Noah’s hopes literally refers to “black human rights bile.” You might recognize waxed as the rain its root parts in melan speaker was the began to wane. (a dark pigment) and quintessence of humility. 8. paragon—[C] chole (gall or ill temper). example of excel- In medieval times, bodily “humors” were thought VOCABULARY lence. The poet’s to influence our moods, debut collection RATINGS black bile being one of 9 & below: Understudy was a paragon of these fluids. 10–12: Lead actor eloquence. 13–15: Master thespian

150 | 11•2015 | rd.com Humor in Uniform

GREAT WEAPONS THROUGH HISTORY: THE TROJAN COCKROACH Unfortunately, it was easily repulsed by the Trojan Boot in their first and only encounter.

Punishments of the hilarious kind, why you’re carrying this tree, you will as seen on reddit.com: say, ‘It’s to replace the oxygen I stole from everyone else.’” TAIN01 WE MADE A PRIVATE sweep all the sunshine off the sidewalks. It took A RECRUIT THOUGHT he was spe- the poor guy all day. cial because he was an Eagle Scout. BENSAVAGEGARDENSTATE The drill instructor picked up on this and took him into the woods and OUR SQUAD LEADER was yelling at made him build a nest. Then he had a soldier when he abruptly stopped him squat over it in order to keep his and said, “I’m done yelling at you. It eggs warm. V_E_R_S_E doesn’t work.” He stormed off and returned carrying a small potted tree. Send us your funniest military anecdote or “You will carry this tree with you news story—it might be worth $100! Go to wherever you go. If anyone asks you rd.com/submit or page 9 for details.

ILLUSTRATION BY TERRY COLON rd.com | 11•2015 | 151 Quotable Quotes

A YEAR FROM When you focus on the NOW, YOU’LL goodness in your life, WISH YOU HAD STARTED TODAY. you create more of it. ANONYMOUS OPRAH WINFREY

IF WE DON’T BELIEVE IN FREE It is not enough to be industrious; so are EXPRESSION FOR PEOPLE WE the ants. What are you DESPISE, WE DON’T BELIEVE industrious about? IN IT AT ALL. NOAM CHOMSKY, linguist HENRY DAVID THOREAU, writer

Adults are just obsolete children, and the hell with them. THEODOR GEISEL, “DR. SEUSS”

Almost everything FEAR IS will work again if A PAIR OF you unplug it for HANDCUFFS a few minutes, ON YOUR including you. SOUL. ANNE LAMOTT, writer FAYE DUNAWAY, actress

Reader’s Digest (ISSN 0034-0375) (USPS 865-820), (CPM Agreement# 40031457), Vol. 186, No. 1115, November 2015. © 2015. Published monthly, except bimonthly in July/August and December/January (subject to change without notice), by The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc., 44 South Broadway, White Plains, New York 10601. Periodicals postage paid at White Plains, New York, and at additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Reader’s Digest, PO Box 6095, Harlan, Iowa 51593-1595. Send undeliverable Canadian addresses to [email protected]. All rights reserved. Unauthorized reproduction, in any manner, is prohibited. Reader’s Digest, The Digest, and the Pegasus logo are registered trademarks of The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc. Marca Registrada. Printed in U.S.A. You may cancel your subscription at any time and receive a refund for copies not previously addressed. Your subscription will expire with the issue identified above your name on the address label. SUBSCRIBERS: If the Post Office alerts us that your magazine is undeliverable, we have no further obligation unless we receive a corrected address within one year. A special Reader’s Digest Large Print with selected articles from Reader’s Digest is published by The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc. For details, write: Reader’s Digest Large Print, PO Box 6097, Harlan, Iowa 51593-1597. CONSUMER INFORMATION: Reader’s Digest may share information about you with reputable companies in order for them to offer you products and services of interest to you. If you

would rather we not share information, please write to Reader’s Digest Customer Care, PO Box 6095, Harlan, Iowa 51593-1595. IMAGES O’NEILL/GETTY TERRY BETTMANN/CORBIS. IMAGES. KING/GETTY BARRY FROM TOP:

152 | 11•2015 | rd.com

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