Boulder Bubbled City Orders Residents to Surrender Cars, Maintain Mindfulness After County Civil War Is Waged [4]

Free WEEKEND 4.1.2016 Boulder bubbled City orders residents to surrender cars, maintain mindfulness after county civil war is waged [4]

An edition of the Daily Camera Celebrating more than 100 years in publishing Ralphieispissed Ground control to major Buffs CU nabs No. 1 spot to get hitched to a scientist

Wtf ? Your daily allotment of odd ‘TRUMP’ MISSING FROM A SIGN OUTSIDE HIS RESORT “Trump” is missing — at least from the sign outside of one of the Republican presidential candidate’s Florida golf resorts. The Palm Beach Post reported Wednesday that someone removed the script lettering spelling the owner’s surname from a Trump National Jupiter entrance sign. Resort officials did not immediately respond to calls and emails Wednesday from The Associat- ed Press. Jupiter police spokesman Officer Adam Brown told the AP on Wednesday that no report has been filed and the club has not requested assistance. Trump National is where Donald Trump’s campaign manager Corey Lewandowski allegedly grabbed a female reporter by the arm earlier this month. He was charged this week with battery. He has denied the allegation. Prairie dog named city mascot, leaving Boulder’s storied buffalo in the dust [26] LOCALPROUDLY SUPPORTINISM.GACTS OF FOR OVER 60 YEARS. BANKANK LOCAL. BECAUSE WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.

Federal y insured by the NCUA

2 • APRIL 1, 2016 • COLORADO DAILY pg Ear worms 3 Daily dose Add your events at dailycamera.com/submit MORE Wtf ? FROM PAGE 1 Baby your ears New technology pany’s press release, the GOV. SCOTT TELLS YALE: improves human extreme light weight is due hearing dramatically to proprietary technology. BRING THE IVY LEAGUE However I read recently on a TO FLORIDA By Dunk in Your Trunk Reddit thread that a user dis- assembled a pair and reports Florida Gov. Rick Scott wants Staff Writer there is “not a damn piece of one of America’s most prestigious proprietary anything inside universities to move its campus ars are like a new car. south to the Sunshine State. E Once you take them out — it’s just a baby’s ears!” Scott on Tuesday urged Yale Uni- of the package, they start to Either way, I’m intrigued. versity to ditch Connecticut and depreciate, whether you like Anything that can offer real relocate its campus. The Republi- it or not. improvement in the hearing can explained that Connecticut Dan Ocampo / Associated Press legislators are considering a bill I think the pigeons got a ping-pong ball stuck in a traffic light. Straight from mom’s vagi- department is a must-have that would tax Yale’s massive uni- na, they’re fresh and new, for audiophiles. versity endowment. oly shit, there are taking on the Fox Theare, and you can hear things that I reached out to Sanchez Scott said in a statement that Pigeons Playing Ping 1135 13th St., tonight at 9, mom no longer can at that for comment about the pro- Florida would “welcome a world-re- H Pong on the Hill. Right where they are hosting an point. prietary science in the devic- nowned university” and promised over there. Pigeons. Play- album release show. that the state wouldn’t impose tax- es. He quickly responded ing Ping Pong. But for Watch out for bird shit. It’s pretty well-known sci- es on the endowment. ence. and says that while the stock He also urged other businesses real, the electro-funk band Or just dance in it. Good model is simply a “matched in Connecticut to consider moving from Baltimore will be talk, sports. So it’s not surprising that pair” of ears, the premium to Florida. in this age of upgrade package allows you But the Ivy League institution headphones to choose from many differ- isn’t planning to take up Scott’s and personal ent colors, size, age and even invitation. music play- has three levels of freckle ColoradoDaily.com back explo- content to match the tastes Phone: 303-473-1111 sion, some of the user. On top of that, enterprising the premium models do have On the Cover Main Office: 2500 55th St., Trunk Suite 210, Boulder, CO 80301 company some “special sauce” to the would discover and bring to design implementation, and Morguefile art Editor: Christy Fantz, 303-473-1111 market an accessory that edited by Stephanie Swartz [email protected] all Ernesto would reveal was Buck Harold-Tooth, president of brings back to life the lost that the added material is Advertising: Jill Stravolemos, 303-473-1400, Prairie City Council, revels in the glory hearing we’ve all accumulat- sourced “from the world’s [email protected] of his award as Chip licks her nose in ed over time. most active volcanoes” and consternation. Circulation: Preston Latham, 303-994-3677 involves a labor-intensive Ernesto Mondo Sanchez, a process of brushing that young Bolivian entrepreneur results in even better perfor- living in Chile, has recently mance. Weatherman Bob developed a new device that, while not yet available in the Regarding current Today Saturday Sunday U.S., is taking the rest of the reviews, foreign language developed world by storm. audio magazines have been Mostly sunny. Sunny. High Sunny. High gushing over the season’s High 45, low 32. 59, low 36. 62, low 39. Baby Earz™ is a set of hot must-haves. Word is the Wind around 6 Wind 5 to 7 devices that are literally company is trying desperate- mph in the after- mph. made from the ears of ly to market and sell in the noon. babies, and attaches to the U.S., but so far legal battles user’s ears via a pair of luxu- and regulatory issues have riously soft clips. prevented it. Like any new tech product, “We are going to prevail,” Trending on Twitter these devices contain com- says Sachez. “Americans plex machinery. Their intri- would love these, and with #IndvsWI cate design is achieved with OH via @hammbone84 such a big market of music Zaha Hadid such space-age materials as MY ROOMBA IS SOME- listeners and audiophiles, we cartilage, baby-soft skin and #Miitomo HOW LOOSE OUTDOORS hope that [Baby Earz’™ tiny little adorable hairs. #WatchTEAMOnVevo AND I’M TERRIFIED OF THE introduction to the U.S.] hap- #IfIHadAnExtraFiveMinutes CONSEQUENCES FOR THE Weighing in at almost a pens very soon.” #KissItBetterVideo ECOSYSTEM AS IT HAS NO gram each, these little stock- NATURAL PREDATORS. As do I. I’m looking for- Ivy Park ing stuffers are luxuriously ward to the day when I can April Fools light. According to the com- once again hear like a baby. COLORADO DAILY • APRIL 1, 2016 • 3 Busted CU & The People’s Republic BABY SHOWERS, MAN University of Colorado LOCAL WOMEN ARRESTED AFTER BRUNCH BRAWL Top spot to ‘Bag an Astronaut’ Jennifer Bernardini and Saman- Popular Science the spaceflight and space- tha Munke were arrested Tuesday ranks the university craft programs.” evening on minor assault charges as No. 1 spot “Can you print ‘baller’ in following a brunch-time brawl dur- your newspaper? I’m trying ing Munke’s baby shower at Boul- to marry a scientist to sound jiggy and hip.” der eatery Mimosa’s. Sure thing, buddy. Allegedly, Munke had By Seymour Jugs CU senior Ivana Settledon announced her child’s name Staff Writer said the reason she came to would be Hazel, infuriating Ber- Popular Science released Boulder from Russia for col- nardini. Authorities said insults its rankings for top sci- lege was to find “a nice, and scones were thrown. ence schools, and the Uni- smart man with money who “Jenn freaked out and said versity of Colorado made wears cool hats.” she’d planned to name her baby nearly every list. Settledon added that she Hazel ever since she met her third The top spot the university thinks astronaut “hats” are cousin’s child’s dog, who’s named landed was “Where to Bag “super cool.” Hazel,” Amy Hannah, who also an Astronaut Spouse.” Other Aerospace engineering attended the shower said. “She lists CU garnered top-10 grad student Hi G. P.Aye was all, ‘That bitch knew I was rankings were: “Sexy Engi- said it’s flattering to even be saving that name for my kid and she took it anyway.’ Then Saman- neers,” “Smart Ass Mother- considered by a national tha pointed out that Jenn should fuckers,” “Most Likely to magazine. shut her cakehole — she didn’t Die Rich,” “Stoned with Sci- “I may have adult acne even have a boyfriend and wasn’t ence” and “Most Likely to and extreme social awk- exactly in danger of having a kid Live on Another Planet.” wardness, but if this helps anytime soon.” Bill Sci, the self-pro- my chances in the sack, then Hannah said the situation got claimed “Science Guy” and I’m all for it,” Aye said. “ugly.” editor of the publication, told CU spokesperson Buffy “Baby showers suck. You wan- the Colorado Daily in a Luxe said the university na survive one — buy a box of phone interview: “The Uni- appreciates the mention, but diapers, stick a flask of whiskey versity of Colorado is a top- that CU takes these lists in your boot, show up late, leave notch American university with “a grain of salt.” early and shut your mouth when with outstanding science “We don’t place a lot of they wanna play the ‘Bob for Nip- and engineering programs,” stock in these lifestyle sur- ples’ game.” Sci said. “The university is veys,” Luxe said. “We’re NASA / Courtesy Photo constantly contributing to more concerned with being An artist's rendition of the New Horizons spacecraft as it makes its SO BOULDER new research in space and a top-notch academic univer- closest approach to Pluto and its largest moon, Charon, last year. CU has been named the top spot to “Bag an Astronaut Spouse” by have long been top ballers in sity.” FIGHT BREAKS OUT Popular Science magazine. AT BAGEL SHOP Authorities said a fight broke City smackdown out Thursday night in the Lower East North Boulder Business Dis- trict, or “LowENoBo,” when a cus- tomer from Denver ordering a Civil war in Boulder County heats up bagel asked directions to “actual Boulder.” No injuries were reported. By Steven ‘With a V’ Glass Not a single person in ed city staff to begin con- “It’s just not something you ask Staff Writer Boulder was actually aware struction on a durable hypo- in these parts without things get- drone strike by Long- of aggressions by Long- Attention allergenic bubble around ting incredibly passive-aggressive A mont on Boulder’s mont, having been preoccu- residents: the city, which until the — and by ‘passive-aggressive,’ I prized Central Park band- pied with actual shit to wor- The city is mandating that strike, most residents took mean “aggressive-aggressive,’” shell is just the latest escala- ry about. all privately owned to be an actual dome pro- said an eyewitness who declined “Now that the altercation automobiles must be tecting them from outside to be identified. “This is actual tion in tensions between the neighboring cities. has been brought to our surrendered to the city by threats. Boulder, this four-block radius, the end of April. They will right here in Lower East North No one was injured in the attention, we have planned To protect the health of be utilized as permanent the citizens from noxious Boulder.” attack, which reduced the to take appropriate action,” shelter for the homeless, The victim did not receive his structure to rubble, and said Mayor Casey Jones, officials said. fumes, officials said cars bagel. Boulder officials said they during a press conference will be banned within the In related news, a neighbor- would not retaliate since no with the one remaining Col- bubble; all privately owned hood in southeast Longmont has animals or trees were orado Daily employee. announcement, Jones and automobiles must be sur- renamed itself Upper North West harmed. Lafayette. Immediately following the her fellow councilors direct- See WAR,8page 1 4 • APRIL 1, 2016 • COLORADO DAILY CU & The People’s Republic AOL from page 5 The Hill

He added: “Meg Ryan’s open arms. tytown” will feature state-of- still alive? Hey, isn’t that “Look, Google is in the the art fax machines, the Cosmo’s gets Berned neat.” middle of creating its Fiber fastest dial-up service and free aspirin. Ryan didn’t return calls Phone, where we’re aiming Cops quell social the sighting. This prompted for comment. to make landlines relevant,” Atrick added: “Psh ckkrrrr k kakingkakingkak- media melee local law enforcement to The head of Boulder’s Mr. Google said. “And boom ing chchchchch. Ding. at pizza joint send cops to try and quell Google operation said he goes the Boomers. Boom.” Ding. Ding. You’ve got the situation before riots welcomes the move with Atrick, 93, said its “Shan- mail.” By Fant Ze Pants broke out. Staff Writer After the police woke the white-haired man from his To a large crowd in Boul- short slumber and ran his der Thursday night, it identification, a spokesper- appeared Bernie Sanders got son announced that the into the dispensary cookie jar. unidentified man was Larry Boulder’sPremier The democratic presiden- David, not Bernie Sanders. tial candidate, who was in David, who has been spoof- Boulder campaigning in the ing Sanders on “Saturday Recreational Marijuana Center Topless Gardener’s front Night Live” this season, was yard, was allegedly found in town stumping for the face-down in a bowl of spicy presidential candidate, whom ranch at Cosmo’s, said he called his “pal.” DAILYSPECIALS numerous eyewitnesses. After the situation subsid- University of Colorado stu- ed, David told the Colorado dents blew up social media Daily he didn’t understand with pictures, tweets and what all the “hoopla” was comments. about. $ lf Eighths* A tweet from @yourmom- “It’s legal here, right? Why 25 TopShe ishigh can’t a man smoke a joint read: “Duuuuuuuudes. I’m and eat a pie?” $ getting a slice at Cosmo’s After the shop cleared out, 20 ShakeEighths* and I’m pretty sure David waked out with two #BernieSanders is asleep in large to-go cheese pizzas, ranch. #BAMF for #presi- managers said. % dent.” “I thought all those kids 20 OFF Another tweet from taking pictures of me just @ILoveRalphie read: “Guys. like ‘Seinfeld,’” said David. eEdibles You have to get to #cosmos After the ruckus, Cosmo’s Edipur now. #thebern is stuffing strains announced they will now *select face.” rename the large cheese piz- The growing crowd spread za, “Cosmo Kramer: The quickly, snapping photos of Assman.”

Easy Accessibility • Plenty of Parking • Quick Service Mon -Fri: 10 a.m. -6:45p.m. •Sat &Sun: 11 a.m. -6:45p.m. 2750 Glenwood Drive #8 Boulder,CO (303) 945-4074 • bouldergreenroom.com

Keith Srakocic / Associated Press Must be 21 years of age with avalidstate ID This is kind of what the scene looked like at Cosmo’s on Thursday night.

6 • APRIL 1, 2016 • COLORADO DAILY Quick Hits Booming Boulder biz AUTOMO-BEAT IT! BICYCLE ONLY MOVEMENT SET IN MOTION Plans to extend the Pearl Street AOL moving HQ to Boulder pedestrian mall east all the way to the Twenty Ninth Street Mall is Mass media being touted as a prelude to legis- corporation lation towards making Boulder the fifth largest “bicycle only” city. announces Bicycle Only Movement officials ‘Shantytown’ via proposed a master plan that will MySpace page adopt the eventual restriction of motor vehicles within city limits. By Tech Nology Whether hoverboards will be Staff Writer subject to these restrictions remains uncertain. n response to Google’s When reminded that much of I August announcement it Boulder’s workforce, notably was breaking ground on a those who frequent cafes with four-acre Boulder campus at their laptops, are unable to afford 30th and Pearl streets, the city’s high cost of living, and America Online announced must drive in from as far away as Thursday, via its MySpace Westminster, Bicycle Only Move- page, that it is moving the ment leaders responded with “Who?” and “Work?” company’s headquarters to town. RAINBOW BRIGHT The Google campus could employ up to 1,500 workers COUNCIL EYES in town and will rank Boul- der among Google’s top 10 INCLUSIVITY MEASURE offices nationwide. Brian Hamill / Warner Bros. Lawmakers proposed Tuesday According to AOL’s MyS- Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, seen here in a scene from 1996’s “You’ve Got Mail,” were asked attend AOL’s to add to Boulder’s famed “Green pace page, construction on groundbreaking ceremony in Boulder, but the pair declined. Belt” a series of purple, red, yel- a tent village somewhere on low and blue open space bands, the outskirts of the city, the company wants to internets and the YouTubes flick, “You’ve Got Mail,” dubbed “The Rainbow Suspend- ers,” in an effort to be inclusive. “probably near an under- “Baby Boom the millenni- and the Snapchats, too. We declined invitations to the als.” want to help infuse more ground-breaking ceremony The proposal, however, has yet pass,” is set to begin in to make it out of committee, as Whatever that means. silver suave into this next year. 2017. The company expects renowned tech community.” three commissioners agree the “We’re sick of Boomers “Ha! AOL’s still kickin’?” to employ 13 people. Actors Tom Hanks and plan is very “Mork from Ork.” Officials at AOL, current- falling by the wayside,” said Hanks said in a phone inter- Meg Ryan, who starred in LOOK AT THIS GUY ly headquartered in New AOL’s CEO Jerry Atrick. 1998’s overly egregious view. Jersey, said in a release that “We know how to use the AOL product-placement See AOL, page 6 PRANKSTER SNAPS SELF WITH RUBBER BAND The shit is going down On Monday, Josh Lee, 36, attempted to playfully hit his male co-worker in the back with a rubber band, but instead hit himself in the face. Officials said Lee was Explosion blankets city in gluten left with a 2-inch welt across his fled the city. He added that quinoa and estimated 5,000 people flee- left eye and a $900 hospital bill. Police cited riots When asked to comment, Lee’s at Whole Foods; Police officials said no kale supplies have not been ing the city and said she one was injured in the affected, but gluten-free longtime coworkers unilaterally U.S. 36 clogged was taking her family to described him as a “total wanker,” until further notice explosion, which destroyed goods might become hard Denver in search of fish while one launched into a diatribe the 20,000 square foot facili- to find in the coming days. tacos. about “that time he tried to show ty located on the north side The sudden influx of glu- By John Ursidae “At this point I would off to Miranda after getting a box of the city. ten in the air sent hordes of probably settle for cod,” of magic tricks in the mail.” Staff Writer “We are still looking into panicked Subaru owners Bernard said, wiping tears New hire, Sharon Rosa, sug- n explosion rocked the the cause,” Boulder Police toward Denver in search of gested Lee was “only trying to A NoCo Gluten Removal Sgt. Al “Flashbang” Rocka- gluten-free goods, due to away from her face. “Prefer- connect.” Plant on Tuesday, sending a tanski said. “At this time, we projected shortages in Boul- ably, we’d like Mahi Mahi This led to another co-worker shower of the dreaded do not suspect any criminal der. Highway U.S. 36 was at with a habanero avocado shouting: “Then he should just wheat protein raining down activity, but there is definite- a standstill for six hours. demiglaze, but at this point bring donuts in and shut his on panicked citizens, thou- ly a lot of gluten in the air Boulder resident Bernie we’ll take what we can get mouth, instead of trying to get a sands of whom have already group paint ball outing together. right now.” Bernard said was one of an See GLUTEN, page 7 Idiot.” COLORADO DAILY • APRIL 1, 2016 • 5 CU & The People’s Republic SPEAKING OF BABY SHOWERS Gluten COWBOY BOOTS AND from page 5 FLASK SALES SOAR 1135 13th Street •Boulder •720.645.2467 as long as the tortillas are JUSt AnnoUnced JUSt AnnoUnced Boulder County business made with non-GMO corn.” MAY5...... MAYdAZefeAtJ.wAil Apr 23 ...... Meeker the epic Rockatanski said resi- JUne 28 ...... BlitZen trApper JUne11...... trUMpvSBernie: the deBAte! officials said Thursday that Sept 1...... MAcdeMArco JUl6...... feMikUti&the poSitive force sales of cowboy boots and dents who remain in the Sept 17...... rAilroAd eArth flasks have seen a 900 per- city can limit their gluten FRI APR 18:30 PM cent increase over the past 10 exposure if they cover their officiAl AlBUM releASe pArtY SATAPR 27:30 PM minutes, since the “Bust- mouths and noses with a pigeonS plAYing 93.3 ktcl preSentS ed” brief about the altercation piece of cloth, preferably the dAndY at a baby shower on Page 4 something organic and fair- ping pong was released. Local shoe manufacturer, trade, with a high thread AQUeoUS&BooSter wArholS Made for Walken, reported count and all-natural dyes. SerAtoneS that it has begun packaging “Egyptian cotton is a SATAPR 28:30 PM flasks, boots and 36-packs of good bet,” he said. “Really, MON APR 47:00 PM Pampers Swaddlers as a bun- you should try to use flax. oZric tentAcleS & dle package, calling it the It’s more sustainable.” conSider the SoUrce An evening with “Baby Shower Buster.” Paul Roger Flack, a com- tkettle Steve hAckett In preparation for wedding munications and communi- season, Made for Walken is perforMing geneSiS ty outreach media special- MON APR 48:00 PM exploring bridal party packag- ist for NoCo declined to clASSicS (1970 -1977), es that combine dyed-to-match colorAdo dAilYpreSentS comment other than to say, wolflight sling-back heels and bras that SAn ferMin hold 1.5 liters of chardonnay. “We appreciate the hard work of our employees and eSMÉ pAtterSon THURS APR7 8:00 PM DINING look forward to continuing cvii liveBAndtoUr to serve the fine people of TUES APR 58:30 PM thehUndred preSentS infected MUShrooM MAN WINS TOP PRIZE Boulder.” teMplo&kll SMth IN ROADKILL EVENT Within an hour of the MiJA explosion, a blockade of SloAne peterSon &koMMon intereStS MON APR 18 7:00 PM Boulder County resident Jim burning tires stretched dAilYcAMerApreSentS Hannah, 62, won the top prize across the Diagonal High- FRI APR 88:30 PM JohnnYclegg at the Second Annual Roadkill way in an effort by Long- JeSSe clegg Cook-Off Tuesday for his “Five MAnic focUS mont officials to keep flee- Pounds of Possum” recipe. lAte night rAdio &toY Box FRI APR 87:00 PM ing Boulderites out of the The event, held at the inter- SATAPR 98:30 PM 97.3 kBco&BoUlderweeklY preSent section of Highway 287 and city. AnderSoSBorne Arapahoe Road in Boulder “Oh yeah, they aren’t rAndoM rAB SiSter SpArrow And thedirtYBirdS County, was a local color event coming up here,” said lApA &Moon frog aiming to help residents cre- Longmont Mayor Bert Ber- MON APR 11 6:30 PM ate more sustainable meals by gelson. “It’s not because we TUES APR 12 8:00 PM 93.3 ktcl &weStword preSent utilizing creatures already fear being contaminated. dead, said a coordinator. kgnU preSentS the front BottoMS We love gluten up here. We Brick +MortAr,dietcig &Sorrel Hanah said his receipt of just think it’s funny.” Ben Miller BAnd the award — a smooshed SpeciAlgUeSt drAgondeer squirrel spray-painted gold Police reported riots at THURS APR 14 -SAT APR 16 7:30 PM Whole Foods Wednesday secured atop of an empty CD WED APR 13 8:00 PM kgnU &BoUlder weeklYpreSent holder with a hot glue gun — as residents were attempt- An evening with dArk marks a turning point in his ing to snatch up the orgone life, as he broke out in song: remaining gluten-free prod- the pAMlicoSoUnd StAr orcheStrA “My children are hungry, my ucts on the shelves. dog needs a bone, I’m out of a WED APR 20 7:00 PM Employees at one location THUR APR 14 8:00 PM BoUlderweeklY filMSerieS preSentS job so I’m just headin’ home, reportedly set up cauldrons an hour after sundown and of boiling vegetable barley dYnohUnter &evAnoff dAZed &confUSed much to my delight, there’s soup on the roof to douse the digitAlconnection Movie Screening five pounds of possum in my headlights tonight!” on the frenzied mob if THURAPRIL 21 6:30 PM needed. FRI APR 15 8:30 PM kgnU preSentS COMING TOMORROW: “I’m just here to get JAi wolf AMY goodMAn: •A new CU study reveals some gluten-free ham 20 YeArS of deMocrAcYnow that millennials more likely to before they run out,” Boul- Melvv &electric MAntiS vote in primaries when offered der resident Sally Smith. “I Apr 22...... MicroBrewerieS for the environMent free marijuana and sandwich- don’t understand how this Apr 16...... SnAkehipS Apr 27...... grAhAM nASh es. could have happened. They Apr 19 ...... ShlohMo Apr 29...... richArd cheeSe &loUnge AgAinSt the MAchine Apr 20 ...... fortUnAte YoUth •Naropa students enraged told us the gluten removal MAY4...... AnderSonpontYBAnd at No. 2 ranking for college Apr 23...... eliotlipp &freddYtodd factory was safe. They told Apr29...... cAndYlAnd MAY7...... BoB MoUld BAnd hippies, go on shower strike in us it was safe.” Apr 30...... John kAdlecik BAnd MAY9...... the wAifS hopes to secure top spot All ShowS AllAgeS UnleSS otherwiSe noted -All ticketS Sold At Both Boxoffice COLORADO DAILY • APRIL 1, 2016 • 7 THE Beer ‘Brewery’ review Mix Craft nothing on tap Now open in Boulder: A brewery for people who don’t like beer Music Notes By Thresheets Tothawind Friday Beer Correspondent he Boulder craft beer scene T just landed some competition. This competition, however, is yet to be determined. The Yelp reviews vary. Area hop-haters are delighted, while beer aficionados are a bit more discerning. Hop and Change, a new brew- Obama bans EDM ery and taphouse on 55th and President Barack Obama announced on Tuesday the Arapahoe, states on its website immediate ban of all electronic dance music. that it’s “the nation’s first brew- “I don’t care what you call it,” Obama said at a ery for people who hate beer.” White House press conference. “I don’t care what Upon entering Hop and The Denver Post file category it falls under: deep house, tribal, techno, Change, the unexpected decor There’s a new brewery in Boulder and we’re all super confused about it. trance, dubstep, liquid funk, techstep, neurofunk, hit me in the eye like a sharp, jump-up, luvstep, speed garage, thugstep, grime, trap, stick-like thing: The 450-square- white chest hair puffing out “Nope! We skipped the car- moombahcore, breakbeat, chiptune, bitpop, from the top of his fine leather bonation process wholesale,” folktronica, livetronica, yourmomtronica...” foot space was decked out like an Italian winery. vest, with which he donned with- Dunkel said. “Have a taste of our As the president continued to list genres, reporters out an undershirt. flagship beer.” rose from their seats, apparently moved by the I asked the owner and prima- I asked him how his beers He handed me a dark red president’s inadvertent rap, to bust sweet dance ry brewer, Stout Dunkel, what drink in a wine glass. moves. his thinking was behind the can- would make their mark on an already saturated market. Obama cited that the music was “destroying the dle-lit room embellished with “You’ll notice as you swirl it world’s eardrums.” The first offense is a $100 fine. trailing grapevines and a large “People are suffering from around and dip your nose into it, And thanks, Obama. Seriously. Thanks, Obama. marble fountain with butt-bear- hop-exhaustion, no?” he said, his a strong, jammy scent with a ing cherubs. “Italian” accent growing thicker peppery finish.” Dunkel’s reply mirrored the with each word and his voice I took a sip. It tasted like wine. Students irked at concert picks establishment’s strange motto: A raising to a shout. “I think to “No, no, no. This is our saison. Guess who’s back? Back again? brewery for people who don’t myself: Self, we must have new It’s a little tart. And it’s made Shady’s back. Tell a friend. like beer. direction. What would mama with grapes. We call it ‘Char- CU officials announced Monday that Detroit rapper “There are so many breweries like? Mama no like hops. ‘It donale.’” Eminem, born as Marshall Mathers, will be opening in Colorado and everyone’s got tast-a lik-a weed-a, Mio Figlio!’ I sipped on a few other tasters, for Dead & Company at Folsom Field in July. This the tin walls covered in beer she say to me.” each a dark plum color, made summer, Folsom, home to Buffs’ football, will host its pulls and stickers,” said Dunkel. As the lone two patrons with grapes. I asked if he had first concert since a 2001 show by the Dave Matthews “I’m sick of it. She’s sick of it,” looked on, puzzled, he quietly anything lighter. Band, athletic officials announced in February. he said, pointing to a apparently continued in his midwestern He did. And it tasted like Dead & Company, a band that features three of the confused-looking hostess. “And accent. straight vodka. four surviving members of the Grateful Dead plus John you’re sick of it.” “Ahem. So, what we’ve done “Wrong again, mio amico!” he Mayer, will headline Folsom on July 2 and 3, with (No I’m not.) here,” he said, leading me to the Eminem opening the show. said. “ This here is a extra clear “Hop and Change is about bar, “is created a line of beers witbier, made from potatoes and Many students said they weren’t interested in that veer from the ordinary.” attending. A group of 100 students was polled: only 7 deviating from preconceived water. It’s beer made with God’s percent knew Eminem, none knew the Grateful Dead. notions about breweries and I pointed out that I hadn’t seen own tears.” “Who the fuck are these people?” asked CU parks doing something... un po ‘diver- any carbonation in anyone’s Porter Craft, a local neighbor- major Draw Bridge, 21. “This is our stadium. Our so,” he said, attempting an Ital- glasses. hood beer enthusiast called the school’s team plays at Folsom.” ian accent. “Exactly. People are tired of establishment “straight-up false Internet rumors are revealing that Eminem will drop Strange or not, Dunkel is beer bloat, so we eliminated that advertising.” a new album this summer. clearly proud of his work. As he problem entirely.” “There are already places to “Who? A new what?” said CU junior Princess Peach. boasted about the brewery’s So is everything on nitro, I drink things that aren’t beer,” “What’s an album? Like a picture album?” offerings, he twirled his curly, asked? said Craft. “They’re called bars.” 8 • APRIL 1, 2016 • COLORADO DAILY Screen In theaters Commercial review The week ahead Boulder your teeth. You’ve Got Mail: (PG- Schwartzman, Baldwin kill it Flicks and Stuff 13)Check your 5678 Prairie Dog Drive smartphone. Put your This is Archaic: (PG- pants on. Check your Amazon Echo 13) Check your smartphone. Brush smartphone. Put your your teeth. commercial pants on. Check your is an advertisement smartphone. Brush Films ‘R’ Us for the ages your teeth. 1212 Clint Eastwood Buy a Smartphone: Lane (PG-13) Check your This is Archaic: (NC- By Philm Krittick smartphone. Put your 17) Check your Staff Writer pants on. Check your smartphone. Weeee! smartphone. Brush Check your ring it,” says film your teeth. smartphone. Weeee! actor Jason This is Archaic: (PG- ‘B Let’s Go Buy a CD: 13) Check your Schwartzman, quipped (NC-17) Check your smartphone. Put your smartphone. Weeee! with a red ping-pong pad- pants on. Check your Check your dle and a competitive smartphone. Brush smartphone. Weeee! your teeth. scowl. This is Archaic: (NC- It’s 2016: (PG-13) Alec Baldwin magically 17) Check your Check your smartphone. Weeee! shoots a ping-pong ball smartphone. Put your Check your pants on. Check your across the table to a puz- smartphone. Weeee! smartphone. Brush zled Schwartzman (“How your teeth. Artsy Fartsy did you do that? You didn’t This is Archaic: (PG- Courtesy / YouTube 13) Check your Flicks even move your hands,” he Jason Schwartzman, left, and Alex Baldwin are pictured in a scene from an Amazon Echo commercial. smartphone. Put your 5555 Pee Wee asks.) pants on. Check your Herman Blvd. “It’s all in the wrist, smartphone. Brush N’Sync it Like it’s it?” Baldwin asks the slim In the end, it’s all about your teeth. Hot: (R) Check your Schwartzy,” Baldwin says. speaker sitting atop a Vic- friendship. Brothers. 666666 Give Up the Landline: smartphone. Do the Thus begins the 30-sec- torian pillar, ignoring Camaraderie. Brobots. (PG-13) Check your Hokey Pokey. Check Cast: Jason your smartphone. ond commercial advertise- Schwartzman’s attempt at a Edgar Allen Bros. Brona- smartphone. Put your ment for Amazon Echo, the Schwartzman, Alex pants on. Check your Check your pants. rematch. fide bromosexuals. Bro Baldwin smartphone. Brush This is Archaic: (G) hands-free smartspeaker After the pair heads to Back Mountain. your teeth. Check your controlled by voice. First Director: Jack Donaghy smartphone. Do the Baldwin’s motorbike, Bald- It’s brotiful. This is Archaic: (PG- glance of the commercial 13)Check your Hokey Pokey. Check win takes the handlebar You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. Running time: 30 smartphone. Put your your smartphone. had this critic in tears. A driver’s seat and Schwartz- You’ll shit yourself. But you seconds pants on. Check your Check your pants. punchy spot packed full of Mmm. Newsprint: (R) man hops on behind him, shouldn’t have eaten four Rated: PG for some smartphone. Brush life, spontaneity, laughs your teeth. Check your gripping Baldwin’s waist. Taco Bell chili cheese bur- suggestive material Thank You for Calling smartphone. Do the and friendly competition; it “Get in the sidecar, ritos, so that’s on you. Moviephone: (PG-13) Hokey Pokey. Check embodies everything a your smartphone. Jason,” Baldwin quips. The Now only if you had the Check your viewer wants in a TV com- This critic awards this smartphone. Put your Check your pants. two head off to Baldwin’s option to not skip ads, pants on. Check your mercial. “table reading” in down- you’d know what the hell commercial six stars out of smartphone. Brush Seen on Screen 5150 JarJar Blvd. “Alexa what time is town Los Angeles. I’m talking about. four. your teeth. This is Archaic: (NC- This is Archaic: (PG- 17) Check your 13) Check your smartphone. Wipe smartphone. Put your your butt. Check your pants on. Check your smartphone. Eat Now Playing smartphone. Brush some froyo. your teeth. You’re archaic:(NC- Ask Siri: (PG-13) 17) Check your Check your smartphone. Wipe smartphone. Put your your butt. Check your pants on. Check your smartphone. Eat smartphone. Brush some froyo. your teeth. Your mom is This is Archaic: (PG- archaic:(NC-17) 13) Check your Check your smartphone. Put your smartphone. Wipe pants on. Check your your butt. Check your smartphone. Brush ‘Another One Bites smartphone. Eat ‘Floyd the Llama’ Ridiculous movie title your teeth. some froyo. the Dust’ How’s 1999?: (PG-13) A look at the life, relationships and “The Curious Case of Yesterday’s Fax me some Check your Lindsay Lohan stars in this sequel to work of controversial llama, Floyd, Saga with The Man’s Briefcase and other whiskey:(NC-17) smartphone. Put your Check your “One Bites the Dust,” portraying a damsel whose main objective in life is to roll Musings and Such” looks at investment pants on. Check your smartphone. Wipe in distress who is emotionally battered by smartphone. Brush around and smash the shit out of farm- banker Ebeneezer Toddy’s (played by Mel your butt. Check your your teeth. a group of Juggalos and Juggalettes. With ers’ crops. Floyd is voiced by Bill Murray. Gibson) personal relationship with the smartphone. Eat This is Archaic: (PG- some froyo. Amanda Bynes and that one kid from Written by Nick Nolte’s DUI. Directed by fake leather on his briefcase (voiced by 13) Check your Alexa probably “Terminator.” Written by One of Kevin smartphone. Put your Zack Snyder’s middle finger. (R, 1:23) Scooby Doo). Written by Some Punk Ass knows:(NC-17) Check pants on. Check your Smith’s Hockey Jerseys. (PG-13, 2:31) Bitch. Directed by Catholic Guilt. your smartphone. smartphone. Brush Wipe your butt. COLORADO DAILY • APRIL 1, 2016 • 9 Get Social Submit photos of your friends: [email protected] and see them published in Get Social

Photos by Emma Pion-Berlin, edits by Stephanie Swartz/ Colorado Daily

Top left Grayson Fathatcher, Will Farwell, Emma Safari and Greg Baker hangout and enjoy the beautiful Boulder sunshine on top of their roof.

Top right Soo Kwon works on an assignment in the Atmosphere and Weather study group.

Above Nathan Stephen, Kate Berrigan and Darby King study business at the Laughing Goat in Norlin Library.

Left John Haefeli and Hannah Mauro share many laughs while enjoying their delicious pizza for lunch by the Norlin fountain.

Center left Jessa Wright, Rachel Amoroso, Megan Ives and Briana Johnson volunteer for the Conference on World Affairs event that starts Monday.

10 • APRIL 1, 2016 • COLORADO DAILY Submit photos of your friends: [email protected] and see them published in Get Social Get Social

Photos by Emma Pion-Berlin, edits by Stephanie Swartz / Colorado Daily

Top left Members from the Community Health team put out job applications for students to apply for positions in health and equity.

Top Colin Zohoori glazes the salt holder he is working on for an art project in the Visual Arts Complex.

Above Molly Berger is in the process of making a shield out of terra- cotta clay for Kim Dickey, a professor at University of Colorado.

Left Joe Meyer, Daniel Meltz, Emma Marion and Dinorah Avendano- Curiel help get students registered to vote in the UMC.

COLORADO DAILY • APRIL 1, 2016 • 11 Quick Music Hits ENTERTAINMENT BRIEFS happyhour: HIPPIE DOCUMENTARY HITS A SNAG Monday-Friday2pm-4pm (dineinonly) Boulder’s oldest living hippie was half priceappetizer Seafood TomYum Noodle Soup recently interviewed half pricelarge sake for a documentary film tentatively enti- $2.50singha tled, “All We are Say- $3 House Wine ing,” focusing on the ~ 407 $3 Mimosa calories roots of hippie cul- ture. The filmmakers quickly discovered Solarnoon Fly, 106, remembers nothing. About anything. When pressed on how his experiences relate to today’s polit- Global Affairs ical climate, Fly stat- ed, “There’s no way to know what you’re From aSpiritual Perspective asking me, man. Yes- terday’s just a memo- ry; tomorrow’s never what it’s supposed to Wednesday April 6th be.” After three grueling Humanities 150 days of interviews filled with zero per- Karl Gehring / The Denver Post (CU campus) sonal reflection, no Hippie "Grandpa Woodstock" from the Rainbow local history, several Family is pictured here in 2006. Boulder’s acid flashbacks and Solarnoon Fly, 106, is the subject of a local 6 8 pm several impromptu documentary. Fly was once a member of the bongo recitals, the Rainbow Family. filmmakers said they considered scrapping the project. Fly did, however, enlighten the filmmakers with a new theory that JFK was killed by natural causes. Curious, and clearly desperate, the filmmakers pressed Fly to explain, to which he responded, “No one is free; even the birds are chained to the sky, man. That’s all I got.” As of press time, the filmmakers were busy clearing out the Pearl Street Pub’s whiskey inventory. SUCK ON THIS, GUYS There’s a new trend in Boulder called People Salt. When local entrepreneur, Whitney Meeks, realized her dog didn’t lick her arms and face out of affection, but rather for the salt on her Presented by: skin, she said she was inspired to begin harvesting salt from humans to sell. World traveling monk, author and teacher “Why Not?” Meeks said of her business goals. “The consumers of Boulder are among the earliest adopters of trends, and incredi- Devamrita Swami bly supportive of fleeting popularity. I can cash in on that. Perhaps when I’m rich, my dog will lick my face out of affection. ‘Too little too late,’ I’ll tell her, while dropping her off at the local animal shelter.” Visit her tap room, The Salty Sea Bass, on East Pearl Extension, ,(%'!)&$"% !+*# or find her products where Rowdy Mermaid Kombucha is sold. #((+*'" .-( $)*&*.%,/ -%'"(& COMING TOMORROW •ALFRED PACKER AND SMOKE ‘ER: Recreational cannabis store opens in the UMC; CU says food sales skyrocket •GET OFF MY TURF: Bacchus (the Roman god of intoxication) exhibit lands at BMoCA, angers town drunk • CHICKEN LITTLE TOO LATE: Local man incites riot at sustainable Food Truck Fair for not curbing and leashing his pet chicken •READ DIRECTIONS: Boulder woman arrested for “attacking” her neighbor after he allegedly tossed his recycling away inside a plastic bag 12 • APRIL 1, 2016 • COLORADO DAILY Mix Ice Cube’s ‘Good Day’ survey Was today a good day?

By Snoop Liger Staff Writer I f you mark all nos and all yeses, you had a good day. IS NOWOPEN No Yes IN BOULDER Barking from the dog Call from a girl Smog Drop the drop top’s ass? Breakfast with hog Beep from Kim Is Your Cannabis Got your grub on, but did Homies playin’ basketball? you pig out? Got a triple-double Really All Natural? Any jackers in sight Ran the intersection WE GUARANTEE IT IS Static from cowards Police roll right past you Helicopters looking for a Shake ‘em up, shake ‘em murder up, shake ‘em up, shake ‘em A.K. use? Seven, 7-Eleven, 7-Eleven Think you will live another Girl has the chronic twenty-fo’? 2 a.m. Fatburger Blasted by fools? Goodyear Blimp lights Pulled out the jammy, and Yell, “domino” We grow n organic soil and never grow killed the punanny hydroponically because we strive for a natural growing environment. Everything that we use in our garden is chosen with the health of you and your loved ones in mind. We offer products that can help treat Cancer, Chronic Pain,ADD, Migraines, Depression,Anxiety, and Appetite disorders. Our Cannabis Specialists will work with you to find an individualized treatment plan so that you can enjoy life to the fullest.

4/20 DEALS (Med &Rec) 4/16-4/20 (Med &Rec) APRIL HAPPY HOUR 30% OFF all top-shelf flower&accessories 20% OFF Everything Members: $100/oz *certain strains apply, no coupon necessary, taxnot included Non-Members: $125/oz *certain strains apply, no coupon necessary, taxnot included No Yes 3:20-4:20 all month Retail 21+: $175/oz *certain strains apply, no coupon necessary, taxnot included

*Also see upons in the Rooster Magazine forevencheaper pricing -20% Offconcentrates, $50 quarters forRec,and $25/g of concentrates.

COLORADO DAILY • APRIL 1, 2016 • 13 Mix Everything is awesome Beer and bunnies Paper vows to only report fluff news after local journalist commits seppuku

By Lamont Hader Staff Writer rookie journalist committed seppuku, the Japanese ritual suicide by disembowelment, Saturday night after pressureA from local citizens following a series of articles they said portrayed the town in a negative light. The reporter, who shall remain unnamed so as not to glori- fy self sacrifice, had been facing increasingly violent calls for action from citizens who were outraged by three pieces about fraud and waste in two departments of city government and one local nonprofit that cost taxpayers millions of dollars. “This is but another example of the newspaper’s plan to make our town look bad by publicizing the negative things that happen here,” said resident and malcontent Juan Arroz. “In the several weeks it took this reporter to research, fact check and interview sources, at least one restaurant has announced plans to open, two businesses have started remodeling and a brewery has put out a limited-edition beer. DISCUSS IN Where was the coverage on those things?” Calls for the reporter’s resignation began Saturday when the first of the articles was published. By Sunday, angry crowds of Tweeters and Redditors began posting her personal information online. Tensions came to a head on Tuesday when she was dragged from her home and two protesters cut her hair in a Andrew Chapman shaming ritual from the middle ages. They also shaved her UNIVERSITYOFCOLORADO husband’s beard and both the couple’s dogs. Still, their bloodlust could not be satiated. Homeless, job- AFREEEVENT! less and hairless, on Friday she finally released a statement through the press. “I am deeply shamed by what I have done,” she said before a chanting mob of thousands at Folsom Field. “When I took this post a few months ago, it was under the assump- For MoreInfo: www.veritas.org/colorado tion that the people of Boulder County wanted a reporter who would hold accountable those CONTACT:[email protected] who spend their tax To request ASL interpretation or other accomodations, please dollars. But in this Student Government contact CEB at [email protected], or visit us time of deep nation- UNIVERSITY OF COLORADO BOULDER at UMC 319 at least 5business days before event. al discord, what we should be doing is trying to keep people as happy and positive as possi- ble.” After stabbing *CHRISTIAN CHALLENGE, NAVIGATORS, CRU, ACADEMIC CONNECTIONS, CAMPUS AMBASSADORS, herself 45 times in INTERVARSITY,AND STUDENT MOBILIZATION the abdomen, she had one last piece of advice for her former colleagues. “Give the people what they want,” she gasped with her last breath. John McCoy / Associated Press “Weather photos The people want bunnies, well we’ll give them and restaurant their damn bunnies. Meet Mr. Hoppy and openings.” Santana, the first addition to what will soon become a weekly all-animal paper. 14 • APRIL 1, 2016 • COLORADO DAILY “Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet.” Rant & Rave – President Abraham Lincoln.

Pope Francis Candorville By Darrin Bell Pope mingles with hipsters Finding the pursuit world. Every day, we must of peace among choose compassion, as setbacks and the Francis did today when he temptation knelt to wash the feet of a of activewear young mustachioed man Guest comic by Deanna Hardies wearing a checkered scarf By Sister Mary and bicycle pants. Modestmouse And when we walk the For the Colorado Daily righteous path, we must be prepared to endure the t is not the healthy who slingshots of our detractors. ‘I need a doctor.” Mark Such as when the very hip- 2:17 sters we are reaching out to Pope Francis continued criticize the vintage of our his campaign of walking in sacrament wine. Or when the footsteps of Jesus by women’s rights advocates reaching out to the vilified fling specious accusations and profane sectors of soci- that the church is obsolete ety when he met with a and out of touch with the group of hipsters Thursday modern world because it in Boulder. continues to view the shameful practice of wear- In a display of his trade- ing yoga pants, jeggings or mark humility, Francis blessed the bearded, patterned tights as a sin. bespectacled group that And some will make the gathered in front of the mistake of assuming that courthouse on Pearl Street. the pope plays favorites “Blessed are those who because he bestowed the are cast aside, for they will generosity of his time upon find belonging,” Francis a crowd of heavily pierced intoned to a crowd restless- and tattooed arts majors, ly fiddling with their rose instead of a more deserving gold iPhones and sipping group. But the pope must artisanal coffee creations. reach out to those who need “Blessed are the thrift store shepherding most. And Submitting shoppers, for they shall although his time may be Point/Counterpoint Letters inherit the fashions of gen- limited, his love and grace Contact: Christy Fantz, erations past. Blessed are are infinite and available for By Fartz and Fratz one dude, Devon, ate them. editor But then WE will be the ones the gluten-free bandwagon all to share in. Staff Writers who ate them. Get it? I need Frequency, space allowed: hoppers, for they shall pave One per week, keep under an easier way for true Celi- It is every Christian’s oint: We should eat our tiny ‘za in my maw, stat. Try 400 words. Entries will be acs.” challenge to pursue peace P roommate’s pizza bites and argue against that logic, edited for length and in the face of setbacks and for breakfast. brah. content. This is the spirit of inclu- the temptation of siveness the savior encour- We should eat Sara’s pizza Counterpoint: Let’s also Include: Name, address activewear. But persevere, and verifiable phone bites for breakfast, brah. drink her Gatorade aged when he broke bread and the blessings of heaven number with prostitutes, thieves and shall rain down upon you. She’s at her boyfriend’s Let’s also drink her Gato- tax collectors. house. She probably won’t Format: Email only: As when the Pearl Street rade. letters@colorado But reaching out is not crowd, filled with the Holy come back ‘till after class on daily.com Monday. I’m hungry. My easy. It is an effort, a battle Spirit, praised the Lord and Editor’s Note: Clearly the folks Submissions become against the cold winds of the pope’s impeccable taste head hurts. Got a MAD here don’t understand what property of Colorado daily. our increasingly secular in clothes and automobiles. hangover. We can say that “counterpoint” means.

COLORADO DAILY • APRIL 1, 2016 • 15 Timewasters Monty By Jim Meddick

The Knight Life By Keith Knight

Bizarro By Dan Piraro

FRIDAYNIGHT BING

Nonsequitur By Wiley Speed Bump By Dave Coverly

BouLder’S BeSt for 40 yeArS!

Bud/Bud Light DAY: $4 Monster Mug Beam and Bud Avery $2.5 Smirnoff $3 pints $4 pints

WESTON SMITH 2922 Baseline Rd •Boulder •303.442.8162 www.darkhorsebar.com 16 • APRIL 1, 2016 • COLORADO DAILY Timewasters

Pearls before Swine By Stephan Pastis

Local •Fresh •Original •Delicious BeSt BeSt Diner BreAkFASt On this day By the Associated Press Today’s highlight: On April 1, 1976, Apple Com- puter was founded by Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak and Ronald Monday – Friday 6:00 a.m. – 3:00 p.m. Wayne. The federally created Saturday & Sunday 7:00 a.m.– 3:00 p.m. Consolidated Rail Corporation (Conrail for short) began opera- 2400 Arapahoe tions in the northeastern U.S. (it was taken over in 1999 by CSX (corner of Arapahoe & Folsom) and Norfolk Southern). 303 449 5733 On this date: Dougsdaydiner.com In 1789, the U.S. House of Representatives held its first full DougsDayDinerBoulder meeting in New York; Frederick Muhlenberg of Pennsylvania was elected the first House speaker. In 1891, the Wrigley Co. was founded in Chicago by William Wrigley Jr. (Although the business initially sold soap and bak- ing powder, it became known for its chewing gum.) In 1924, Adolf Hitler was sen- tenced to five years in prison for his role in the Beer Hall Putsch Thank You in Munich. (Hitler was released We appreciate all in December 1924; during his time behind bars, he wrote his your votes! autobiographical screed, “Mein Kampf.”) In 1933, Nazi Germany staged a daylong national boycott of Jewish-owned businesses. In 1945, American forces launched the amphibious inva- 4-1-16 sion of Okinawa during World outlined boxes, called cages, must ●●Each row and each column must combine using the given operation War II. (U.S. forces succeeded in contain the numbers 1 through 4 (in any order) to produce the target capturing the Japanese island (easy) or 1 through 6 (challenging) numbers in the top-left corners. without repeating. on June 22.) ●●Freebies: Fill in single-box cages with ●●The numbers within the heavily the number in the top-left corner. In 1954, the United States Air Force Academy was established by President Dwight D. Eisen- hower. 282830th St. In 1970, President Richard M. Open at the corner Nixon signed a measure ban- 7DaysaWeek of 30th and Bluff ning cigarette advertising on is a registered trademark of ® radio and television, to take

COLORADO DAILY • APRIL 1, 2016 • 17 Mix Timewasters War from page 4 Sudoku | Easy Sudoku | Hard rendered to the city for use Longmont forces did not as permanent shelter for the respond to requests for com- homeless. ment, but email records The use of electricity show that massive orders derived from fossil fuels has have been placed with Blue also been prohibited, as the Cactus labs in New Mexico, solar-panel covered dome a breeding operation for prai- will provide more than rie dogs. One soldier, speaking on enough juice to maintain nor- condition of anonymity, said mal operations within the the plan was to introduce city, provided that all resi- them to every part of the dents commit to one “power city, thereby rendering down” hour per day. Refresh- future construction impossi- ments, yoga mats and sing- ble. The soldier said this was ing bowls will be provided to in accordance with Boulder’s facilitate the regular black- strict laws against “causing outs, and people will be stress and anxiety” to these F Minus By Tony Carrillo encouraged to be mindfully majestic creatures of the idle during that time. western plains.

Brewster Rockit: Space Guy! By Tim Rickard

Brevity By Guy & Rodd

Sudoku puzzle solutions Sudoku 1 Sudoku 2

18 • APRIL 1, 2016 • COLORADO DAILY Timewasters Horoscope Bliss By Harry Bliss Today’s Birthday (04/01/16). Explore this year. Your deadbeat work may pay off (after 5/9). But who knows, you really blew it. The Virgo eclipse (9/1) sparks passion into your loins and weakness into your bladder. Buy some adult diapers, the next few days are going to be rough. Aries (March 21-April 19) Forgive mis- communications with your turtle. Friends are a big help with your yeast infection. Love gives you power, espe- cially with hamburgers. Taurus (April 20-May 20) Expect more responsibility over the next few days. Career opportunities show up: Stripping, gambling, bathhousing and such. Don’t speculate or jerk it. Just for today, calm down. Gemini (May 21-June 20) Don’t rely on an unstable drug dealer. The next two days are good for quelling your hemorrhoids and investigate new por- nography. Act on a slutty impulse. Cancer (June 21-July 22) Work L.A. Times Crossword together to tackle video game goals today. Discover new refried beans at Los Angeles Times Daily Crossword Puzzle the grocery store. Paste new beans all Edited by Rich Norris and Joyce Nichols Lewis ACROSS 8 Journalist son of 41 Start one’s law 53 Shock, in a way over roommate’s pillow. 1 Pütisserie cake Mia Farrow practice 54 Church lineups Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Take on a new 7 Sold for, as a 9 Debate 47 Composer 55 Gross subj.? stock 10 Some evidence Stravinsky 56 Capital of task today, like doing your fucking job for 15 Derby racers 11 Carlisle Cullen’s 48 Hit Turkey 16 Taps, essentially wife in the 49 Caesarean 57 Like French once. Listen to reason. Then bitchlsap 17 Reprimand to one “Twilight” series section? toast the hell out of reason and get drunk. not picking up 12 Evil follower? 50 Mayflower figure 61 __-jongg 19 Pound denizen 13 And 51 Errant golf shots 62 Addams family Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Get creative 20 Biblical birthright 14 Word with coin or 52 Musical with “jr.” member seller ring and “KIDS” 63 Altar at work by bringing in laxative-filled 21 Oldest of the 15 Places to clean versions for constellation brownies. Roll around in the grass and gods, in Plato’s and press young 64 Part of 40-Down: “Symposium” 18 Powder room performers Abbr. shave your junk. Beautify the package. 22 Rail transport containers landmark 23 Tied up ANSWER TO PUZZLE: Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Practice what 26 At a minimum 24 Online finance 27 Swimmer’s option company your mother preaches: take a hotdog, 32 Invite 25 Hard-to-miss signs stuff it with some jack cheese and roll it 35 Game winner 27 Trig function 36 Lunch order 28 Hosp. personnel in a pizza. Hide your best friend’s keys in 39 Minuteman, e.g. 29 Like much of a pile of dog shit. 42 Smoke and mirrors Australia’s interior 43 “The Soul of a 30 Noah of “The Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Tell your Butterfly” Librarian” TV OPEN memoirist films home and family life to go fuck itself as 44 Essen article NEw LOcatiON da 31 Look wrong? ys 45 Concluded, with 32 Reichenbach you go get hammered at the bar. Clear “up” Falls setting 303.402.0122 aw clutter, buy more pink bunny Peeps and 46 First 12 ch ldren of 33 Teed off eek 7 Gaia and Uranus 34 “I __ it!” 3070 28thSt. SuiteD see how many you can shove in your 49 “How surprising!” 37 Stradivari’s tutor 54 Light, colorwise 38 Lombardy’s Boulder,CO80301 mouth. 58 Chanel No. 1? capital thedrumshopboulder.com Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Drink a 59 Columnist Barrett 40 Co. merged into 60 Sir Edward Elgar Verizon [email protected] 04/01/16 ton of coffee and eat a bunch of aspar- composition whose title has agus and see how disgusting your urine never been solved ... and a hint to this smells. Research and investigate the puzzle’s circles data. You can do better. 65 Exercises displaying great Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Your strength 66 Conventioneer morale gets a boost when the mailper- with antennae, son told you your camel toe looked perhaps 67 “Don t budge!” good in those pants. Play fetch with 68 “Honor Thy your neighbor’s cowboy hat. Father” author DOWN Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Personal 1 Exit matters don’t mean shit. Grab your 2 Intense 3 Design for some ankles, bend over and take it up the MacDonalds 4 Poetic “previous tailpipe. Anticipate disagreement. to” Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Listen to 5 Its slot always pays your butthole today and tomorrow. 6 Winner of all three tug-of-war When it rumbles like the wolf, bring a medals in the cooler packed with beer to the toilet 1904 Olympics: Abbr. and park it for hours. Bring a magazine 7 Formal phone call response By Jeffrey Wechsler 04/01/16 and fresh granny panties. ©2016 Tribune Content Agency, LLC

COLORADO DAILY • APRIL 1, 2016 • 19 Extra Points Sweat THERE’S MLB IN COLORADO? Boulder City Council ROCKIES FIRE THE MONFORTS Officials said Monday that pri- Ralphie: This is bullshit mary owners of the Colorado Rockies Major League Baseball Prairie dog named team, brothers Charlie and Dick Boulder mascot; Monfort, have been removed from their posts in the organization. Ralphie tells the Daily she ‘quits at shit’ The brothers, known for pump- ing cash into ballpark amenities By Wondra Brah rather than team needs, were ousted by a bunch of men wearing Staff Writer George Washington wigs. oulder officials intro- An official said the Monforts B duced the new city are currently in talks with Nug- mascot at a press confer- gets’ big wigs to soon acquire ence at the Hotel Julienne in Denver’s NBA team. The official Boulder on Thursday. spoke on condition of anonymity (You buried the lead.) because this person was not Top prize went to the prai- authorized to discuss the situa- rie dog. tion publicly. Boulder Mayor Tom Although the official did reveal Ground Control said that that when the Monforts “have after the citizen vote, it was their grubby hands on the Pepsi unanimous. Center,” their main goal is to build “Look, I’m for the people,” a hybrid “roller coaster, aquarium, Ground Control said to a exotic wildlife rooftop bar” where crowd of a couple hundred Jeremy Papasso / Staff Photographer patrons can “not give a fuck people on the banks of the about the team, but at least have CU mascot Ralphie runs with her handlers at the start of the Rocky Mountain Showdown against CSU at Boulder Creek by the Boul- a weird time.” Sports Authority Field at Mile High in Denver last year. Ralphie is mad pissed that she wasn’t named the der Public Library. “The vot- mascot of Boulder. The official said the price of ers want the prairie dog, 8-ounce beers will be raised to well then the mascot is a Golitelee “Ralphie has to space,” saying that Ralphie coon population plans to $23 each in order to accommo- prairie dog.” charge that football stadium is a “pampered princess and steal the award as soon as date the upgrade. Cheers erupted down- four times a day at practice. she can shove it.” it’s delivered to Harold- Dick Monfort recited a profani- town. You know, to keep in shape. Organizers said the Tooth. Law enforcement ty-laced rant on his YouTube chan- Meanwhile over at Fol- Those prairie dogs just bark awards ceremony is on said they will pan out in nel, saying, “Oh well. At least I’ll and run in front of my car. April 20 at 4 p.m. at the force around prairie bur- be juggling with bigger balls.” som Field there was a layer of dust settling over “And we all know it’s not Community Compost Meat- rows just so there’s a police WE KNOW THE AVS, RIGHT? groomed grass (over- safe on Boulder roads. ball Co-op. The event is free presence in case “the shit groomed grass?). They’re just a bunch of and open to the public. goes down,” officer Tuff Gie FROM DREAM TEAM CU coaches said, morons.” Rodent Harold-Tooth will be said. although they didn’t vote at CU’s costumed buffalo accepting the honor. “Those raccoons can get TO ‘SCREAM QUEENS’ the official polling center at Chip wouldn’t return calls Ralphie said in a phone all stabby with their big eCity’s Albums on the Grill for comment Thursday. interview Friday that she claws,” Gie said. “It is now We all thought it was the last week, that they were Over by Insert Open was “in despair.” Ralphie our job to serve and protect year(s): The return of Patrick Roy unhappy with the results. Space Land Here, the prai- said she has petitioned the city mascot.” (Waaaaaaah?), repositioning Hall “As I quote, directly from rie dogs were barking like Boulder’s council to have a Earlier in the day, eyewit- of Famer Joe Sakic to manage- re-count of votes. nesses reported seeing the ment, Landeskog, other hockey Wikipedia,” coach Sporty champions. guys names, etcetera, decided to Spice said, reading from his “Finally,” said Buck Har- “This is bullshit. I mean, bear population lying scrap the playoffs this year to iPad, “‘Ralphie the Buffalo old-Tooth, president of Prai- what’s left to do?” Ralphie around and grumbling in focus on a guest-starring bit on is the name of the live mas- rie City Council. “One- said. “I quit at shit.” the distance. Bear No. 122 Fox’s hit comedy, “Scream cot of the University of Col- eighth of our population Local mindologist Loven- was caught on camera rip- Queens.” orado Buffaloes. Ralphie goes missing each season light said the Boulder bison ping a door off of a nearby The team will star in three fall has been called one of the while chasing shiny lights is undergoing therapy, so car and dragging it into the episodes, all of them portraying best live mascots in sports, across Foothills Parkway. the community should take woods. hockey-playing frat boys. and she is often erroneously It’s about time we got some Ralphie’s comments and Boulder’s mayor didn’t “I’ve always wanted a chance labeled male.’” props.” tweets “lightly.” return calls for comment by to be on TV,” said Goalie Polie. Good talk. Harold-Tooth said the “By the way, assholes, I’m press time. “You’re always on TV, idiot,” “This is outrageous,” said prairie community is sick of a girl,” Ralphie said. “I’m going to go poop in said Polie’s hockey stick. former Buff and three-time getting “gassed out of your Unsubstantiated rumors the house,” Ralphie said. NFL Pro Bowler Hol E. “Oh yeah. Hehe.” GD (sic) precious open indicate that the local rac- “This blows.” 26 • APRIL 1, 2016 • COLORADO DAILY Sweat Extra Points Buffs football DENVER HAS AN NBA TEAM? NUGGETS DROP TO 9-64 Mac creates ‘butt fumble’ play The Nuggets’ front office Thurs- day announced that head coach Michael Malone was fired after Buffs gearing up for special teams play called the the Nuggets (9-64) lost to the annual spring game “Butt Fumble.” Charlotte Bobcats (11-59) in a In 2012, when Sanchez low-scoring 13-67, putting them By Sports Sportyson played for the New York in last place in the division. The Staff Writer Jets, he is widely known for team will fill the position with a rotating base of middle-school that famed second-quarter niversity of Colorado basketball coaches. fumble where he ran into U head football coach Ann Walton Kroenke, heiress to Mike MacIntyre told media the ass of his own lineman. the Walmart fortune and part Thursday that in a nod to No word on what kind of owner of the team along with her the Denver Broncos snag- ass shenanigans are on tap husband , said at a press confer- ging Mark Sanchez from for the Buffs, but Mac said ence that this “Ring Around the the Philadelphia Eagles for to keep an eye out for what Coaches” is a new approach the the quarterback position, he he said will be “an absolute Screen grab organization is taking to not only Broncos’ Mark Sanchez had a hell of the time with the media in 2012 has been working on a new must-see.” help boost team morale and offer when he ran into his own lineman’s ass and fumbled the ball. a player-minded coaching system, but it will also help “juice up” low- ly P.E. teachers’ resumes.age.” Bracketology Kroenke also noted that as she is stepping down from her post and handing over ownership to the Monforts, but she will only be Mulch Madness takes off in Boulder one Blue Light Special away from us at all times. By Heywood Jablomi you are skipping work meet- After the weekend, the games to go, the mulch “Oh wait. That’s Kmart,” she Guest Columnist ings and taking long lunch- teams that make it through world will converge on a said. “Look, I have people to elcome to the most es to hit McGuckin’s and will join the Finished Four- local woman’s back patio to underpay and overwork.” W exciting time of the check the scores. some group. The two win- see which mulch can sur- Always Low Prices, Always. gardening season! All plant-based mulches ners from the Finished vive the dog urine. BUFFS SPORTS Below is the official advanced to the Dirty Doz- Foursome will match up in Don’t forget to hit the NGMA Mulch Madness en but only four will survive the championship game. Boss Button should the PEYTON MANNING lineup, and we know all of the weekend. With three rounds of head honcho arrive! TAKES HELM OF CU Cypress Brown Pro Euc FLAG FOOTBALL TEAM When Peyton Manning retired Red Mulch Pine Bark from a long 18-year career in football this year, he said he knew it wouldn’t be long before he got back into the sport one way or Cocoa Brown Very Small Rocks another. Lucky for the Buffs, Manning was hired by CU’s sports department on Friday as head coach of Black Mulch Maryland Terrapins the club sports flag football team. “It’s like when I came to Den- ver,” Manning said at a press con- Gold Mulch Syracuse Orange ference in Boulder Friday. “I like a challenge. I think this is the per- fect opportunity for me to hone my coaching skills, push my work Compost Rubber ethic and beef up my resume. I’m so excited to dive in with the Buffs.” When asked head football Pumice Rock Mulch Newspaper coach Mike MacIntyre if he was nervous of any encroachment on his job, Mac said he’d “take down Straw Mulch Sawdust that dirty Tennessee Vol” if he tried to take his job. COLORADO DAILY • APRIL 1, 2016 • 27 Conference on WORLD AFFAIRS Join us April 4–8, 2016

100 speakers from around the world with sessions on the arts, science, business and much more

Free and open to the public

colorado.edu/cwa

28 • APRIL 1, 2016 • COLORADO DAILY