Read the Script

BAREBACKING The Sex-Panic Comedy By John Fisher

©John Fisher 2

ACT ONE

(Lights up on a table behind which PETER, CRAIG and SAM sit. They are obviously sitting on a panel of some kind. The table is marked with a sign, which reads as follows: "Oscar Wilde-Gertrude Stein-Noel Coward-Kevin Spacey-Gay- Lesbian-Bi-and-Desperately-Confused-Political-Society." CRAIG has been speaking for a while and is nearing the end of a long speech.)

CRAIG

With the spread of new strains of the HIV virus and the increase in instances of incurable Hepatitis B and other STDs it becomes the community's responsibility to not support the reopening of the bathhouses, to not promote a message of unsafe sex to younger members of the community, to not give our sanction to the perception that unsafe sex is gay sex, that barebacking sex can ever be construed as safer sex, that anal penetration without a condom is anything other than an act of wanton stupidity.

PETER (Pounding the table - pissed) If I wanna fuck somebody up the ass. I mean fuck them up the ass. Without a condom. That is my right. It is my privilege. And nobody, I mean nobody, is going to stop me. And nobody, certainly nobody is going to tell me it's wrong, or immoral, or bad, or adopt that bullshit, motherfucking, Jesus sucking I'm your Goddamn mother and you'll do what I say tone with me.

CRAIG

Mr. Jackson, nobody is discussing morality here-

PETER (On a rant) No, no, that is exactly what we're discussing here, that is exactly what the straight hegemony is invoking to rationalize its disgust, its physical sick to its stomach disgust with faggots and, specifically, with what faggots love to do most - fudgepack, butt fuck, ram their cocks up each other's asses and fuck until they can't piss or sit down for a week they ache so much. And you, you a right-wing, ass-licking, mothersucking, butt schlurp to the faggot hating Republican party are arguing against butt fucking without a condom because you hate yourself, hate your faggotness, and agree with Nazis everywhere that we should all be loaded onto box cars and done away with.

CRAIG

Mr. Jackson, I am a gay man, I am not a Republican, I'm not-

PETER

Fuck you. And fuck whatever you call yourself - Democrat, Liberal, Green, Alice B. Fucking Toklas Faggot Liberal Democrat card carrying shit suck deep down died in the wool Fascist! I'm sick of this bullshit! I'm sick of it! Any attempt to legislate gay lives, in any way, is fascism! You might as well break out the Zyklon B and lace our Cosmopolitans with it because you won't be happy until we're dead. That's what you're ultimately after. I just recognize it.

CRAIG (To the audience) Now this is exactly the kind of mudslinging and polarization of the gay community I've written about in my column-

PETER

Oh, fuck you and fuck your column in that homophobic screed you write for. What's the name of it again - Pravda? The Berliner Tagblat?

CRAIG (Through his teeth) The Wall Street Journal.

PETER (Singing) DEUTSCHLAND, DEUTSCHLAND, UBER ALLAS...

CRAIG (Folding up his papers) Oh, you know, this is fruitless, I don't know why-

PETER

Yeah, it is fruitless. Your argument is fruitless. It is without fruits. It is not for fruits, it is against them-

CRAIG

Your semantic games-

PETER

Oh fuck your big words. Fuck you-

CRAIG

Big words! Big words? Didn't I hear hegemony a few seconds ago? Are you kidding? I haven't heard that one since my last graduate seminar.

PETER

Here we go...

CRAIG

Where did you pick that one up? Some post-structuralist gay journal - The Harvard Gay and Lesbian Review-

PETER (Singing) AMAZING GRACE HOW SWEET THE SONG...

CRAIG

Oh, please, you rant and rave in here - every week you come in here and rant and rave like you're saying something, like you are actually saying something, when all you're really doing is filibustering-

PETER

Is that what I'm doing?

CRAIG

We have had the chance, this political organization has had the chance to participate in a number of issues and because you don't agree with the majority-

PETER

The majority? What majority? We're the only two people I've seen here more than one time in a row.

SAM (Timidly) I'm here when I can make it. Every time.

PETER (To SAM) Shut up. (To CRAIG) You know what's going on here? You're what's going on here. You have some fucked up notion that one day you'll be Supervisor or Mayor or some east-coast-college-boy-come-out-west-to-make-a-name-for- yourself ambition to do good in the world - a world which is run by straighty - and you want to turn this podunk know nothing lameass organization into your personal power base. Get a bunch of hole punchers for election day -

CRAIG

Stop, stop, stop, just stop-

PETER

Shut down a sex club! Shut down a few bars! Get some bath houses! Then you're really doing something. And not that many people are going to stop you because of ingrained homophobia and rampant domesticity in this community. Because nobody wants to march for free love anymore, or unsafe sex, or safer sex, or fucking enjoyable sex. No, can't have that anymore. Sex has to be agony, it has to be a pain in the ass - literally - not a fun pain in the ass, just a pain in the ass-

CRAIG

You're saying that sex with a condom is unenjoyable-

PETER

It might be enjoyable but it's not sex. It might be enjoyable something else. But it's not sex. Sex lite? Sex creamer?

CRAIG

All right, OK.

PETER

Sex in a Box. Non-dairy Sex.

CRAIG

You know, this always degenerates into a lot of b-grade sit com humor, it really is just infantile-

PETER (Mock horrified) Humor? Was somebody humorous? Was somebody frivolous and insipid about something important?

CRAIG

Yeah, yeah, fine-

PETER

Did somebody get shrill and excitable and fucking faggoty and screamy queeny about an important fucking subject which can only be discussed in a tight baritone? 6

CRAIG

OK, all right.

PETER

Well, fucking excuse me for being a big old queen, coach!

SAM (Quietly) Gentlemen, we're ten minutes over as it is. Some people have to work in the morning. And I'm not speaking for the civil servants in the room. (He laughs at this own joke.)

PETER

Fuck the civil servants in the room and fuck your lame ass attempt at humor-

CRAIG

Now you listen to me, Peter-

PETER

Mr. Jackson to you, sister!

CRAIG

I've been listening to you rant for five years now-

SAM (Indignant) Well, I think I can speak for the civil servants, it's time we went home-

PETER

The biggest collection of bottoms on this planet is the San Francisco Civil Servants Union and all I'm trying to do is protect your right to hold your holes up high in this town!

CRAIG

Oh, puulllease!

SAM

You need to stop.

(Blackout. Spotlight up on PETER.)

PETER (To the audience) Ugh. How exhausting. After an evening like that I needed to relax. I needed some action.

(We hear Randy Crawford's "Street Life." The stage fills with young male DANCERS. The music throbs. The table and chairs are cleared in the darkness. As everyone dances PETER unwraps condoms and shoots them, like rubber bands, at the audience. Meanwhile the DANCERS have formed a line US. PETER dances up to the line. The DANCERS stand with their backs to the audience. PETER works his way from SL to SR blowing and being blown by the DANCERS who face upstage. One of them turns out to be a woman - oh, well! As PETER finishes with each dancer that dancer exits SL. PETER reaches the end of the line and the final DANCER grabs him, bends him at the waist towards the audience, unbuckles his belt, and begins to unbuckle PETER's.)

PETER (To the DANCER) WAIT! (The music stops. PETER speaks to the audience.) Yes, well, I have my politics. Politics are important. You see, I'm a libertarian. I feel everyone should do what they want. If they want to get jizzed up the ass in some low down filthy skank hole south of Market that's their right, their inalienable right under the Constitution to do what straight people get to do, irregardless of disease. I mean I'm sure bufu isn't actually in the Constitution, but if it were there certainly wouldn't be any mention of condoms. Our fondling fathers, I'm confident, had no legislative agenda aimed at proscribing anal intercourse. Bottoms every one of them. And you've heard about Abe Lincoln! (The DANCER whines with impatience.) Oh, well, yes... As I said I might have my politics but... (He hands a condom to the DANCER.) But I'm not stupid. (The DANCER looks disappointed, then he begins to fumble with the condom. PETER continues to the audience.) Just an annoying little break in the flow. To prevent the flow. Now this might seem hypocritical - but hypocrisy only applies in politics to the slippage from conservative to liberal - like the Southern Senator who rails against lesbians but indulges in teenage girl friends. That's hypocrisy. (The DANCER has dropped the condom. PETER hands it to him.) Here you are, sweetie. (To the audience) But if a Senator fights for the right of everybody to bang everything in site but is himself happily married and never cheats - well, nobody cares. Well, nobody I know. Of course there aren't any Senators like that. (The DANCER loses grip of the condom and it flies off into the audience.) Oh, dear, well, wait a minute. I have another. (PETER fumbles in his pocket for another condom as he continues to the audience.) It's complicated being safe. You have to remain sober and clean. If only to keep your concentration for that big moment. It's not easy getting into a condom when you're so high you can't see your dick. Which is why it helps, if you're a user, to have a big dick. (Confidentially) And frankly, I think a lot of these people make a big point of struggling with the condom to prove they have a big dick. Like it is soooo huge they can't possibly fit into it. I mean that's one of the big problems with rubbers in this country - everyone acts soooo large they 8 can't fit into them. So the manufacturers make everything soooo massive, to sate the vanity of their customers, that things when they do get on slip off because most people are average or below average or, God help us, microscopic! (The DANCER has left the stage some time ago. PETER only now realizes. He looks offended. He straightens up and shouts off-stage at the departed DANCER.) I was looking for something more meaningful anyway! Excuse me for wanting a show of trust! Excuse me for trying to lay the foundations for a relationship! (To the audience) I never saw his face but I'm sure he was hideous. He sounded hideous. (Concerned about what the audience thinks.) Not that I’m anally promiscuous by nature. The only reason I do this is I have lower back pain. It's true. The best cure for lower back pain is a little something up the butt. And it's important that that something is manipulated by someone other than the owner of the butt. Dildo won't do. Surprise is key. Don't let my behavior fool you, I've had many relationships and I'm a big believer in gay marriage. Just not for me. Not yet. (Bursting into tears) I can't believe that just happened! (Pulling himself together) Never mind. I'm an adult. I have other things in my life. The theatre. I have rehearsal tonight. I've written a new play! A musical! Shall we take a peak?

(The stage fills with the DANCERS - now in skimpy Greek costumes - very sexy and all male.)

PETER (Excited) The new show is a whole new subject for me! It's all about war and Ancient Greece!

Song: "War Boys"

DANCERS (Singing) IT'S TIME TO TROD ACROSS UNTRODDEN SANDS! IT'S TIME TO CHART UNCHARTED LANDS! IT'S WAR, BOYS! LET'S SCORE, BOYS!

(The boys keep dancing as PETER speaks.)

PETER (To audience) The opening number is all about invading Persia! Which is a wonderful tie in with America's political subjugation of the Middle East. You see, I believe theatre should resonate with its contemporary audience. I'm very Brecht!

DANCERS

IT'S TIME TO RIGHT THE AGE OLD WRONGS IT'S TIME TO SMITE THE PAGAN THRONGS IT'S WAR, BOYS! LET'S SCORE, BOYS! 9

PETER (Overlapping with above) Read the Invasion of Iraq! Read the bombing of the Sudan! Read American intervention in the politics of every Middle Eastern and Central African nation over the past forty years.

(The dance continues as PETER continues his narration.)

PETER

Now the real point of all this is that Alexander the Great was just a big old queen and he was in love with his tutor Aristotle - another big Queen. I play Alexander and Michael is Ari.

(MICHAEL as ARISTOTLE steps forward and sings with PETER.)

PETER/MICHAEL

NOTHING ELSE WILL BE FINER THAN WHEN WE CONQUER ASIA MINOR THEN ON TO THRACE AND ON TO ROME WHERE EVER A KING IS HUNG IS HOME.

PETER (To audience) And I lease the cutest little theatre in the Mission. So we try to make the shows friendly to the local audience.

(EVERYONE sings a verse in Spanish.)

PETER (To audience) I'm an inspired director! (To the DANCERS, viciously) Smile, you bitches! Sell it! Sell it! (To the audience) The boys love me! (To the DANCERS) Faster! Louder! Funnier!

MICHAEL (Having a breakdown) I'm dancing as fast as I can!

PETER

Then take some drugs but be BETTERRRRRRRRR!!!

(MICHAEL collapses. The music changes.)

PETER

And I always give myself a big maudlin solo.

(A stool and a microphone are provided and PETER milks his torch song with the pianist FREDERIC providing back-up.)

Song: "Misery"

PETER/FREDERIC (Singing) WHEN YOUR FATE, AND YOUR MATE DON'T EQUATE, MISERY.

(The DANCERS provide a solemn choral "ahhhhh...")

PETER/FREDERIC

AND THE GODS, ARE AT ODDS, AND TIME PLODS,

ALL

MISERY!

PETER/FREDERIC

AND THE NIGHT CREEPS TO THE DAWN WITHOUT SLEEP YOU GO ON IT GOES ON.

(A dissipated GREEK has sidled his way up to the piano. He leers at PETER.)

PETER

WHEN THE BEST OFFER YOU'VE GOT IS SOMETHING YOU'D RATHER NOT.

PETER/FREDERIC

MISERY MISERY.

(The DANCERS, with tears in their eyes, clap for PETER.) 11

PETER

Thank you.

(The music picks up tempo and the DANCERS sing and dance an up tempo version of "Misery." PETER joins the DANCERS as he continues his narration.)

PETER (To audience) And I always add some nasty touches just to keep my kinky subscribers happy.

(TOM, one of the dancers, shoves his face into MICHAEL's butt and chews. MICHAEL vomits. TOM removes his face and his mouth is full of blood.)

PETER (To audience) And we do school tours! The kids love it! But there's no nudity in my shows. None. We don't pander to a gay audience! We survive on being fabulous!

(The number continues. MICHAEL steps out of the chorus and presents PETER with a piece of paper.)

MICHAEL

Box office reports.

PETER (After the briefest of glances) Ahhhhhhh! (The music and dancing stop.) But we were sold out last week. The audience was full. They loved us.

MICHAEL

We weren't sold out. (Indicating the house) Center section only. And most of those people were comps. And your friends were the only ones who loved it. We're going broke entertaining your friends.

PETER (Realizing the horrifying implications) I'm going to lose the theatre. I'm going to lose the space. I'll have to go back to temping. I'll have to go back to graduate school. I'll have to finish my degree!

MICHAEL

We have to broaden our audience. We have to broaden our appeal.

PETER (An idea) Naked. Tell them to take their clothes off.

MICHAEL (Offended) We're a gay theatre with integrity.

PETER (Maniacal) There's no integrity in the theatre! We're all whores! Except me... Me, I'm a pimp! I'm just a pimp! Now do it!

(MICHAEL signals to the DANCERS. Two of them run off stage screaming leaving only JER who quickly strips and begins dancing naked. The music is frenetic.)

PETER (Frantic) New title... New title... "Alexander the Great!" "Alexander the Great Big Dick!" "Alexander's Great Big Twelve Inch Scrotum Invades Aristotle's Warm Deep Love Cavity!" Run it! Make posters! I want fliers!

MICHAEL (Looking at JER) He looks ridiculous dancing. Naked boys don't look good dancing.

PETER (To JER) Stop dancing!

(JER stops dancing but continues to sing - badly.)

JER

WHEN YOUR FATE AND YOUR MATE DON'T EQUATE MISERY.

MICHAEL

He can't sing.

PETER

He's got to sing. New title. New title. "Naked Boys Singing!"

MICHAEL

It's been done. And you only have one.

PETER

"Naked Boy Singing!"

MICHAEL

He can't sing.

PETER

"Naked Boy Singing Badly."

MICHAEL

Bad title. Bad concept.

PETER

He's got to sing!

MICHAEL

But he can't. He sounds terrible.

PETER

He's got to sing! I can't write dialogue! Only lyrics! Only music and lyrics! Dialogue scares me - I don't do subtlety and nuance! You're sucking me into the pit of naturalism! He's got to sing!

MICHAEL

Use another text. Use Shakespeare.

JER (Stops singing and recites) "O! that this too too solid flesh would melt, Thaw and resolve itself into a dew; Or that the Everlasting had not fixed His canon 'gainst self! O God! O God! How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable Seem to me all the uses of this world."

MICHAEL

It works. It kind of works.

PETER

Yeah, yeah, it works, it works. Advertise it! Run it in the paper! Take out a big add in the Chronicle: "Hamlet!" "Hamlet Naked!" "Hamlet Naked Not Singing but Naked!" Make up some reviews. Make up some glowing reviews. "Hurry! Tickets are limited!" The Santa... Barbara... Sun... Clarion... Times... says: "Hurry! Hurry! Run don't walk to 'Hamlet Naked Not Singing or Dancing but Naked and not Gay and not Campy and not Anything you Don't Want to See." (Hustling MICHAEL off the stage.) Go! Go! Go! (To JER) Don't forget the Spanish speaking audience!

(JER continues Hamlet in Spanish. Blackout. We hear the music from "Misery" in the darkness. The music mellows into accompaniment for a modern dance class. When the lights come up we can see JANET leading a dance class - she sits in the middle of the platform UC. TOM and HEN, two très cute dance students, face upstage towards her. PETER enters pealing off his clothes to reveal a unitard.)

PETER (To the audience) That was exhausting. But the Chronicle liked it, thank God. The little man... He was staring, but he was naked. The first naked staring little man ever! And the actor who plays Hamlet... He's grown in the role. I learned about passion in the arts from my dance teacher, Janet. She was a complete revelation to me when I was in college. Everyday I would count the minutes till dance class and when it came I was in heaven.

(Lights full up on JANET leading HEN, TOM and JER, who has also entered and joined the class - they are in the midst of a complicated contraction exercise - very Martha Graham. Everyone is in a unitard.)

JANET (Pointing at HEN) You know that's not right.

HEN (Innocently) Uh, yeah.

JANET

If you know it's not right why do you do it?

HEN

I don't- 15

JANET

You don't what? You don't like me. Is that what you were going to say?

HEN

No, I was going-

JANET

Because I don't give a shit whether or not you like me. This isn't a popularity contest. Nobody's in it to be liked. You want to dance? You come here to dance? You've got to dance. I'm an asshole and you dance. That's the set-up. It's got nothing to do with being liked. My job is to teach and yours is to shut the fuck up and when I make a comment to you I don't need your sass. I can stay at home if I want to hear sass. I got a big dyke girl friend and a bitch of a mother and I can get plenty of lip from the two of them. And I like it. In here, in here I don't like it. Capisce?

HEN

Yeah.

PETER (To the audience) She was wonderful! So inspiring! I couldn't get enough of it!

JANET

Now why do you fuck things up if you know they're fucked up?

HEN

I don't know. I'm sorry.

JANET

Don't patronize me. I don't need your patronage. You're not sorry so don't say you're sorry. Nobody's interested. Why do you fuck things up?

HEN

I don't know.

JANET (As if she were abusing a child) You fuck them up because you don't- Because you dooon't- Because you doooooon't what?

HEN

I doooooon't-

JANET (Like she's talking to a true moron) Because you doooooooon't... praaaaaactaaaaaace. Practice! And you don't practice because you don't fucking care. I know you care about walking around with a half-erect lump in your unitard but you don't give a shit about the class that you bought the unitard for. You just don't give a shit.

PETER (To the audience) I found the combination of cute boys in unitards and abuse irresistible. She was like a little dynamo of lesbian-dyke-Sapphic rage against my sex. A Medusa of Gorgonic fury for anything with a cock. I used to deliberately giggle when she chewed someone out just so I could feel the burn of indignation in my face when she attacked me. (He giggles.)

JANET (To PETER) Are you laughing at me?

PETER (Mock offended) No.

JANE

Because I don't need people coming in here and laughing at me. I'm not a stand- up. I'm not Jason Fucking Alexander and you're not some drunk yuppie so don't treat me like a stand-up. I want to be laughed at I can stay at home and be laughed at. I've got a big fucking dyke girlfriend and a mama who hates dyke girlfriends who'll laugh at me all the time. And you know what? I like it. But in here, in here I'm the asshole and you, you're the student.

(Blackout.)

JANET (In the darkness) Don't black those lights out on me. I don't need that shit. Fucking yuppie stage manager. I'll turn the lights out when I'm finished.

(Spot up on PETER.) 17

PETER (To audience) She taught me about the conjunction between art and homosexuality. She made me feel it was all right to be a determined little art queen. Of course, it helped that my first crush, my first adult crush, was Hen - the boy with the half-erect dance belt.

(Lights up on HEN, JER and PETER changing. HEN is in his dance belt only. PETER is very distracted.)

HEN

Bitch.

(PETER grunts in agreement.)

HEN

She pisses me off.

(He grunts again. HEN is about to remove his dance belt, winks at audience, doesn’t.)

HEN

You know, I can deal with it when it's happening to me. I really can. It's when she's doing it to other people. I just think some people have a real hard time with it and she could be a hell of a lot more sensitive.

JANET (Suddenly entering from SR) Look, don't hide behind other people. You have a problem with me doing it to other people because you have a problem with me doing it to you. Ok? Don't wuss out and make it sound like you have empathy in the place of self-pity. You're a little prince who always gets things his way and you know what, you just can't deal with being called lame. I'm not Mommy, Prince. I'm not your Queen Bee. I don't have to forgive you and love you for being lame. I don't have to secretly love your lameness because I'm competitive and I don't want my kid to do better than me. Hellooo! This ain't home and I'm not Prince's parents! You see a crown on this head? Am I wearing a tiara?

HEN

Jesus.

JANET

What? Class is over? You deserve a fucking break? Guess what? Class might be over but you're still in the dance building and you know what? So long as you're in the dance building you're lame. Take your gossip outside, get a beer and tell yourself you're abused, you're hated. Take it outside. In here, yeah, you're right, the walls (She actually pounds the wall) the fucking walls have ears. (To JER) You're a good dancer Jerry, you really are. You could do better. Think extensions. Extensions. Plié, plié, extension, extension. With me... (She begins doing the actual moves. JER follows.) Plié, plié, extension, extension- (Pointing to her inner thigh) Ah, ah, ah- Right there! Right there. Ah, ah, ah- Right there. Watch me! Extend, extend, extend, ah, ah, ah- Ahhhhh!!!! (She screams) Pain, pain, pain. If it doesn't hurt, if it doesn't hurt-

JANET/JER (Together) You're not dancing.

(PETER giggles.)

JANET (Pointing directly at PETER) I don't mind fags in my class, I just don't like it when they're wimps. (She snaps and PETER leaps into a painful plié. To JER) Ah, ah, ah- Pain. (Exiting) Think of Ginger. Think of Martha. Pain, pain, thirty, forty years of pain. Merce Cunningham: a cripple. Martha Graham: a cripple. (Exiting SL) Paul Taylor - cripple. (Leaning back on) John Travolta?

HEN/JER/PETER

A cripple.

JANET

No, not a cripple. Because he stopped. He gave up. Could have been a dancer. Could have been a cripple. But he stopped. Pain! Pain, pain, pain, pain, pain.

(And she's gone. JER limps off SR.)

PETER (To audience) I had such a crush on Hen. And it wasn't without cause. Oh God... (To HEN) Hen, do you have any feelings for me. I mean, other than as a friend.

HEN

Sure.

PETER

Really?

HEN

Oh, yeah. (He kisses PETER flush on the lips.) Come on, let's get that beer and talk about what a bitch she is. (HEN exits SL.)

PETER (To audience) Oh, God, I can't relive it. I won't.

HEN (Leaning back on) Are you coming?

PETER

Yeah, yeah, I'm coming. (PETER exits after HEN as JANET enters from SR.)

JANET (To the audience) I have to say I've been misrepresented. I was never that intense.

SUZ (Entering from SR) You were scary and you got scarier.

JANET

I got scarier when I started to lose you.

SUZ

You knew my history.

JANET

I was a pretty big lapse in that history. (They kiss and sit UC. Lights shift to HEN and PETER SL.)

HEN

I can't believe my dance teacher abuses me.

PETER

She loves you. 20

HEN (Imitating JANET) "Pain, pain, pain. Ah, ah, ah, everyone who's anyone is a cripple. You could be crippled too, but you're weak! You're laaaame!" Sieg hiel! Sieg hiel!

PETER

She's your favorite teacher.

HEN

Total bitch.

PETER

And you're her favorite student.

HEN

She made fun of my lump. She said I walk around with a half erection.

PETER

Do you?

HEN

What if that was my full erection? I'd be devastated. I might kill myself.

PETER

But you haven't so what does that mean?

HEN (Smiling) You should bark up another tree.

PETER

You saying I'm a dog?

HEN

No, but I'm not a tree.

PETER

Then I'm not into trees.

HEN

I might be a lamp post. Or a fire hydrant.

PETER

Good, then I'll pee on you.

HEN

I set you up for that.

PETER

This is a stupid conversation.

(They kiss.)

HEN

This makes me very uncomfortable.

PETER

I can tell.

PETER

What would my parents say?

HEN

Nothing. You don't speak to your parents.

PETER

Oh, yeah.

(They kiss.)

HEN

What about society? What would society say?

PETER

Society's an abstraction.

HEN

Oh, yeah.

(They kiss.)

PETER

What about the church? What about the Catholic Church?

HEN

They'd damn you to hell.

PETER

Oh, yeah.

(They kiss. The lights shift to UC where SUZ is squeezing JANET.)

SUZ

I want to squeeze you until I'm on the other side of you.

JANET

It hurts.

SUZ

The squeeze.

JANET

The memory.

SUZ

You're so squeezable.

JANET

This doesn't bother you? Knowing how it will turn out?

SUZ

Hey, you took me from someone else. Someone else took me from you. You're still squeezable. Do you remember the first time I kissed you?

JANET (Turning to kiss her) How can I forget? We were backstage. Your boyfriend was onstage. Your cue was coming up.

(They begin necking intensely. MICHAEL enters upstage on platform and recites some lines from Hamlet facing off SR such that he can't see SUZ and JANET necking. Suddenly SUZ breaks and runs onto the platform.)

MICHAEL (To SUZ) "To a nunnery! Go!"

SUZ (To MICHAEL) Uh-huh.

(And she runs back off and recommences kissing JANET. The lights change and they break.)

SUZ

I was so afraid of him.

JANET

Yeah, good thing it turned out he was gay.

MICHAEL (Singing) EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSES!

(Lights shift from UC to SL where PETER and HEN lay under a sheet.)

PETER

Oh, my God, Hen.

HEN

What?

PETER

I'm in love with you.

HEN

That is so impossible. 24

PETER

Why?

HEN

Because I'm the first person you've slept with.

PETER

Then I've been very lucky.

HEN

Nobody's that lucky.

PETER

I am. You're perfect. You're beautiful and nice and talented and smart.

HEN

I'm not all that nice and I'm not all that smart.

PETER

Then you're just beautiful. That's enough. Who wants nice? My mother was nice and she ran over my cat with the Buick. Nice has bad days. But beauty, beauty is forever. Beauty always comes to work.

HEN

You're very funny when you get like this.

PETER

Like what?

HEN

Like you do after we do something.

PETER

Like after we kissed for the first time? On that beach? With the waves crashing?

HEN

Yes.

(The lights change. We hear waves crashing. They kiss wildly.)

PETER (Breaking) Oh, my God, I'm so happy. I've never been this happy. I can't conceive of any more happiness. (Suddenly paranoid) Something is wrong. I'm too happy. Something horrible is going to happen to me - very soon. I'm going to die. The planet's going to implode. I'm going to be consumed by some huge winged thing with a massive beak and bad breath.

(The lights change back. The waves are gone.)

PETER

I was eighteen. I was paranoid. Life was perfect for the first time. I was playing Nathan Detroit in the summer musical and I was making out with the most beautiful person in the world. I felt like Frank Sinatra in the fifties.

HEN

I'm not the most beautiful person in the world.

PETER

You are to me. I like you - your low hairline, your nose and eyes and mouth all mooshed in the middle of your face, that nervous little humming sound you make when you want to laugh. (HEN does it.) That! That's it!

HEN

Nobody ever told me I was beautiful before.

PETER

You should be incredibly flattered. You should love it and never want to let it go. You should cling to me the rest of your life that you may always wake to the purr of my compliments.

HEN

Listen...

PETER (Getting paranoid) What? We're going to have to keep it a secret, right? Nobody can know, right? 26

HEN

No. I really liked it. I did. Can we... Can we keep going?

PETER

Oh, my God... That huge winged thing with the beak... It's coming... (HEN presses his lips to PETER's. MATT - who looks exactly like FREDERIC and is, in fact, played by the same actor, plays "Misery" on the piano. Lights shift to the piano area UR.)

CRAIG (Entering UR and speaking to the audience) Hey, I too have a sex life. I'm not just a sex-negative activist from the first scene. Ten years ago I was teaching Journalism at State. I fell in love with a composition student. I was cutting through the music building - (To MATT) That's lovely.

MATT

Thank you. It's for a show I'm writing.

CRAIG

Well, it's very nice.

MATT

Are you signed up for the room?

CRAIG

No, no, I just appreciate fine music.

MATT

Well you have excellent taste.

CRAIG

In many things, yes. (MATT blushes.) Sorry. I'm really bad about flirting with people younger than me.

MATT

You're not bad at it. You're doing fine.

CRAIG

Yeah?

MATT

Yeah, sure.

CRAIG

You're some kind of authority?

MATT

Oh, yeah, I flirt with old people all the time. I mean older people. I mean, older than me. I mean... I'm really bad at flirting with anyone.

CRAIG

You're doing really well.

MATT

Oh, yeah?

CRAIG

Yeah.

(Lights shift to JANET and SUZ under sheet DC - their breasts are exposed.)

JANET

Did I ever tell you how cute your breasts are?

SUZ

No. Please do.

JANET

Do your parents know you have such cute breasts?

SUZ

I hope not.

JANET

They should. They should be proud of these breasts. I'd be proud it they were mine or my children's.

SUZ

So it doesn't bother you about how we'll turn out?

JANET

Look, sweetie, I'm probably not gay myself. The fact is I really enjoy your breasts and you love squeezing me and I love that you have this kind of bland personality and we both enjoy the sex. So soon we'll come out of the closet and be straight - great. Until then let's enjoy being together and we'll deal with the social stigma of being straight later and we'll pretend that we regret our lesbianism and that we find sex with the opposite gender appealing. Ok?

SUZ

Yeah, yeah, fine.

(Lights shift to PETER and HEN under their sheet.)

PETER

I'm virile! I can satisfy someone! I can go twice in one night!

HEN

You are a maniac.

PETER

I didn't know I had it in me. I felt like William Shatner. I felt like Robert DeNiro in Raging Bull. I felt like this macho sweaty action star with my huge gun coming to free the third world from Commie aggression.

HEN

It was... surprisingly pleasant.

PETER

What does that mean?

HEN

Well, when you threw me down, when you flipped me over, when you... well, you know?

PETER

Yeah?

HEN

Well, it really felt surprisingly...

PETER

What?

HEN

Comfy?

PETER

Comfy?

HEN

Yeah, comfy.

PETER

Are you in love with me yet?

HEN

I'm incapable of love, you know that.

PETER

Yes. You heartless bastard... (He bites HEN's neck. HEN cries out in pain.)

(Blackout. In the dark we hear a door open. We can see none of the following action.)

CRAIG

Come in. Here, let me find the light.

MATT

I can't wait to see your apartment. I imagine it looks like a library.

CRAIG

Just a minute- I- (We hear crashing noises.) Oh! Damn it! (We hear falling noises.) Oh, hell! (We hear a last huge thunk.)

MATT

Are you… Are you all right?

CRAIG

Oh, hell, I'm... Damn... I've fallen... I can't get up... Wait... Ahhhh!!!!

MATT

I can't find you... I'm coming to help...

CRAIG

No, no, stay where you are... It's not...

MATT

Keep talking... I'm following your voice...

CRAIG

I'm almost... (We hear a fall and a thunk.) Ahhhh!!!!

MATT

Ahhh!!!

CRAIG

Oh, my God are you all right?

MATT

Wait. Wait. Yes, yes, I'm fine, I- Ahhhh!!!

CRAIG

What? What is it?

MATT

My, my arm, is... Ahhh!!!

CRAIG

Are you hurt?

MATT

Yes, I can't get up...

CRAIG

I think our legs are wrapped up, I- AHHHH!!!!

MATT

What is it?

CRAIG

My rib, my rib!

MATT

Did you break-

CRAIG

I don't know. I- AHHHH!!!

MATT

AHHHH!!!

CRAIG

Are you?

MATT

No, I'm all right now, I-

CRAIG

AHHHH!!!!

MATT AHHHH!!!

CRAIG What?

MATT My arm is definitely broken, I-

CRAIG Here I come, I-

MATT AHHHHH!!!!

CRAIG AHHHHH!!!

MATT AHHHHH!!

CRAIG Wait! Stop!

MATT What?

CRAIG Don't move.

MATT Ok.

CRAIG We need to not move and figure out how to call for help.

MATT Ok. Should we shout?

CRAIG No, the phone would be better.

MATT Where is it?

CRAIG I think it's near my foot.

MATT Well, my bad arm's free but the other one's under me.

CRAIG Ok, well I can't move my legs, but I have one good arm.

MATT Ok...

CRAIG So, can you find a little table with your foot?

MATT Yes, yes, I think so.

CRAIG Well, if you kick it towards me I can probably deflect it with my free leg and catch the phone with my good arm.

MATT Ok, ok, so here I go-

CRAIG No, no wait, I'm not ready-

MATT What?

CRAIG Don't-

(We hear a crash.)

CRAIG AHHHH!!!!

MATT AHHHH!!!!

(In the darkness we hear a siren. Lights up on CRAIG lying on his back on the platform UC. He is shirtless with a huge bandage wrapped around his mid-drift. MATT sits beside him with his arm in a temporary sling. A PARAMEDIC sits in the cab with them.)

CRAIG This is pathetic.

MATT I never saw your apartment.

CRAIG It has electricity, I swear.

MATT We never even got to kiss.

CRAIG No.

MATT I think we should kiss now.

CRAIG Oh, yeah?

MATT Yeah, or we'll feel very sad about the whole thing. Like we got wounded without even establishing a beachhead.

CRAIG (Nodding to the PARAMEDIC) What about...

MATT He doesn't mind. Do you?

(PARAMEDIC shrugs. MATT bends over and kisses CRAIG - they both make tiny wincing pain noises but they continue with their kissing. The PARAMEDIC is really into the kiss. He begins to rub his crotch. MATT and CRAIG see.)

CRAIG Oh, stop it! Stop it!

MATT That is really disgusting!

CRAIG You are a public servant! You are a servant of the people!

MATT Your job is to make sure we're safe back here!

CRAIG Bad paramedic! Bad paramedic!

(Lights cross fade to HEN and PETER, now dressed, SL in each others arms.)

PETER (To audience) Hen eventually left me.

HEN I didn't leave you. I graduated. I went to New York.

PETER (To audience) To study acting at Tisch School for the Arts, New York University.

HEN Why do you say it like that?

PETER (To audience) He didn't get into Julliard.

HEN I didn't want to go to Julliard.

PETER Of course not. But one night, before he left, Hen and I climbed to the top of Corona Heights and looked out over the city.

HEN It's freezing up here.

PETER It's beautiful.

HEN You think everything's beautiful.

PETER Everything in sight, yes.

HEN How are you going to survive without me?

PETER I have my own ambitions. I want to write. I want to write plays. I want to be the post-AIDS Tony Kushner. I want to be the George Bernard Shaw for the Queer Generation.

HEN There has to be a post-AIDS before there can be a post-AIDS playwright.

PETER There will be a cure. Sometime very soon. This city can do anything.

HEN Will you come see me?

PETER Every chance I get.

HEN And you'll come see my shows on Broadway?

PETER Every opening night. And you'll come see mine on Sixteenth Street?

HEN D'accord, my sweet.

PETER (Welling up) Oh, my God...

HEN Don't get started. This is our last night together. You can't spend it weeping.

PETER I'll weep the rest of my life. But not tonight. (They kiss. We hear the distant throb of The Pet Shop Boys' "New York City Boy.")

HEN (Looking up) What's that?

PETER It's the nineties.

(HEN begins to move with the beat as the music grows louder. Soon he has stood up and is dancing about the stage. PETER watches him weeping. The music dips so PETER can talk as HEN continues to dance.)

PETER (To the audience) I did see his first show on Broadway. It was an Internet comedy. He had a small part. He wore glasses. But in the second act he tore off those glasses and danced - freedom from the Net or something, nobody could figure out the point. But it was the best part of the show. And before I knew it we'd drifted apart. Me back to San Francisco. He into stand-up comedy. It kills me just to think about it. I mean you know that totally pretentious Platonic thing about finding your other half - the half of you that you're incomplete without until you are rejoined? Well, that was Hen for me. My other half. (Welling up) Oh, dear. (The lights fade to spot on PETER. As he speaks chairs are set in front of the UC platform. PETER has grown very maudlin. Singing) MEMORIES ... I really do want chocolate. Does anyone have chocolate? The Nob Hill instead. It's a little less fattening.

(The lights bump up on the chairs. A PATRON sits on the platform directly behind the SL chair. We can hear sleazy disco music. The shadow of a dancer appears on the back wall. PETER sits in SL chair.)

PETER (To audience) The Nob Hill. Lap Dance Emporium. You ever have someone perfect when you're young and everyone else you meet after that you measure by his standard? That was Hen. I mean, the world of love just seemed lame after Hen. I discovered theatre, I gave myself to theatre to burn off romantic energy. Sex energy I burn off in places like this. (He looks out.) Well, they look good dancing. I tell you the floorshow is tired. Even porn should have a plot. (The PATRON behind PETER, who is beating off, suddenly grabs PETER by the shoulder and uses him to ground his movements. PETER cooperates.)

PETER (Soothing voice) That's ok. Take your time. No rush. I'm here for you. Just don't... I mean try not to... (The PATRON cries out. PETER makes a noise of disgust as if something has hit the back of his head.) Oh! Oh! You didn't? Oh, honestly. This is why whores charge! This is why sex is so expensive! That's disgusting! (The PATRON buckles up and runs off SL. PETER speaks over his shoulder.) Could you please wipe me off? (Realizing the MAN has fled.) Oh, what is the community coming to? (Shouting off SL) Miss Manners! (He wipes the cum out of his hair and tries to flick it off his hand - it ends up in his eye.) Oh, oh, I'm blind. I can't see! Blinded by cum!

CRAIG Shhhh...

(CRAIG has entered and is sitting in SR chair. PETER is fumbling about blindly.)

PETER Help me.

CRAIG Shhhh...

PETER I can't shhh... I have cum in my eye. (Moving blindly to beside CRAIG) Could you hand me one of those little towels.

CRAIG I'm just here to watch the show, buddy.

PETER Yes, well, I'm just here to get the spunk off my contact. Do you have a towel?

CRAIG (Handing him a towel) Here.

PETER Thank you. (He wipes out his eye and sees CRAIG.) Well, well, well... The gig is up!

CRAIG (Not seeing that it's PETER) I think the expression is "The jig is up!"

PETER Don't correct my ejaculations!

CRAIG What? Oh, hi...

PETER Of all the nerve!

CRAIG What? What are you talking about?

PETER You're here! What are you doing here?

CRAIG Oh, please. Leave me alone.

PETER No, I'm sorry, but I don't get it. What are you doing here?

CRAIG I'm visiting a strip joint. A strip joint is not a-

PETER Oh come on. What a load of malarkey. A strip joint is not a- What the hell is it?

CRAIG It's not a sex club, now leave me alone.

PETER This is unbelievable. Do you know- Are you aware of the level of hypocrisy involved-

CRAIG Now you listen to me, I am out for the evening and I do not have to listen to your bullshit-

PETER Get used to it, Supervisor - it comes with the title. Haven't you figured out that if you're going to rule in San Francisco you should do your whoring in Sacramento. Unless you're headed for higher office then you better try Fresno- 39

CRAIG Do you do this for fun? Do you? I mean do you stalk the city looking for opportunities to have perversely moralistic outbursts. I mean do you?

PETER Do I what?

CRAIG Coming to a strip joint is a form of safe sex.

PETER It's the most closety thing imaginable. It's for suburban husbands with children in public schools and plastic pools out back.

CRAIG Closety? Closety? How the hell is coming here and... doing my thing ... closety when I can run into assholes like you-

PETER Doing your thing? Doing your thing? How is beating off in public safe sex? You could squirt across the room and it could fall into someone's mouth and seep into their oozing canker soar-

CRAIG That is- Would you listen to yourself? If you ever had a good argument for a anything you always mess it up with absurd gags-

PETER Good argument? My arguments are consistent not Pecksniffian!

CRAIG Pecksniffian?

PETER I don't cart my ass down to an open forum on sex clubs and make a bunch of hypocritical remarks-

CRAIG Hypocritical. How am I hypocritical?

PETER This is a sex club. You know it. I know it. You want to have sex? That's what you came for.

(Pause.)

PETER And it ain't safe sex. It's for addicts. It's for addictive sex. How do I know? (Holds up a card) Sex Addicts Anonymous - I've met some of my best lays there.

(Pause.)

CRAIG I'm not-

PETER You're not what? Tell me... You're not promiscuous, you're not sleazy, you're not gay-

CRAIG I'm not ready.

PETER What?

CRAIG (Bursting into tears) My boyfriend left me last week - in the middle of the week, Oh my God! He left me on a Wednesday, he couldn't even wait for the weekend - I had to go in and work two more days before I could have a breakdown, we were together eleven years - in the same apartment, with the same cat that suffered kidney failure this summer and had to be put to sleep and we traveled to Europe and I took him to the bureau's Christmas party and I'm friends with half the people he works with and his mother, who used to hate me, visited me in the hospital when I had meningitis and brought me things and finally accepted that he was gay because she liked me and all the things, the things we bought, the things we own, the rug, the sofa, all the books of mine which he's read and loved, all the things he's composed which I can't stand but have pretended to love, they're all still there, in that apartment, and I spend half the night avoiding going anywhere near there. He's so fucking smart he got himself his own place. Oh, my God he has his own studio. He has his own life, he's under thirty and I'm a pathetic old queen-

PETER You're a mess.

CRAIG (Sobbing) And I'm a mess!

PETER Jesus, look, you can't cry here...

CRAIG (Indignant) What do you mean I can't cry here! This is a gay establishment and I'm a gay man and this is a gay problem, I'll shout it to the roof tops - MY BOYFRIEND LEFT ME AND I'M MISERABLE!

PETER Shhhh...

CRAIG I'M MISERABLE AND PISSED OFF AND LONELY!

PETER Shhh...

CRAIG I'M MISERABLE AND PISSED OFF AND LONELY AND NO GOOD AT DATING BECAUSE I HAVEN'T HAD TO FOR A DECADE AND NOW I'M SCREAMING IN A SEX CLUB!

(A NAKED DANCER enters from the lobby doors.)

NAKED DANCER (Calmly) You boys all right?

PETER Yes, yes, we're fine.

NAKED DANCER I'm trying to dance.

PETER Yeah, yeah, sorry.

NAKED DANCER You're throwing off my rhythm, ok?

PETER Yeah.

NAKED DANCER I need my rhythm to keep my wood. Yeah?

PETER Got it.

(NAKED DANCER flips them off casually and then exits casually.)

CRAIG (Suddenly sobbing once again) It's life outside. Getting flipped off by naked prostitutes in a sex club. I'm Richard Burton in The Spy Who Came in from the Cold after he went back out into it. I'm adrift in the Cold War of gay culture.

PETER That's an absurdly old reference. No one knows who Richard Burton is anymore. 42

CRAIG (Hysterical) He was married to Liz Taylor dozens of times! God dammit he was married to Liz Taylor! People should know who he is!

PETER You're Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas, ok?

CHRIS Thanks, I feel much better. Oh GOOOOOOOD. (He falls to his knees weeping) We watched that movie hundreds of times. He was trying to send me a sign. He wanted me to go to Las Vegas and die - oh, God, I've wasted my life!

NAKED DANCER (Off SR) Shut up already!

PETER (Helping CRAIG up) Come on.

CRAIG Where are you taking me?

PETER We need some drinks.

CRAIG I don't drink.

PETER Well, I do. You can watch. (Blackout. Spot on PETER as he speaks to the audience. As he speaks the chairs are cleared.) What was I doing? He was my arch enemy. My nemesis. I should have abandoned him to be bounced by the steroid queen they employed at the door, I should have left him to be beaten by flaccid dancers, I should have beaten him myself. But I was tired of being a bitch. I was tired of yelling and fighting and making a statement. I was tired of being the screaming radical protecting the faceless masses of barebacking morons who were too stupid to wear a condom. I wanted to be helpful, to be needed, to actually protect someone I could touch. He wasn't ideal, but he was convenient. I got him down to Union Square.

(Lights up on CRAIG and PETER on the clear stage. We can hear traffic sounds.)

CRAIG Can I breakdown?

PETER Yes.

CRAIG (Breaking down) This is the fucking end of everything! The planet has shriveled up into a little ball, spun out of orbit, and crashed into the sun! Oh, my God how could I ever give up drinking! Who the fuck ever convinced me my life was nothing but dependencies! Of course it was dependencies. I was a mess but I was ready for things like this! I've constructed a whole new me and it's completely useless for dealing with anything and I'm too scared to go back on coke or gin and where the fuck does that leave me! Oh, God! Oh, no, I'm turning to God! Of course. I've cured myself of every other defense mechanism - all that's left is prayer. I'm a fucking Christian. I've turned to Jesus! No, no, what's wrong with you, I've been calling to God, not Jesus, I've been calling to the Lord himself - I'm not a Christian, I'm a Jew or Muslim. Oh, my God, everybody hates Jews and Muslims. I'm going to be attacked by American airplanes and cruise missiles. Oh, who cares - my boyfriend's left me for one of his students. An undergraduate. A teenager. Come on, he's barely a teenager, he's almost twenty - he's a teenager! He's like someone on TV. He's like someone in porn. He could be paid for sex. And my boyfriend gets it free. I'm so fucking jealous in every possible way. I've wasted my youth on a man who gets free sex from a university educated pubescent who I'm sure has perfect pecs and hangs on his every word and thinks he's a genius. And no one will date me because I'm uptight, frigid and I have no vices.

PETER (To the audience) She is a mess. (To CRAIG) I don't think you're ready for sex-clubs. They require a little more... circumspection.

CRAIG Can't even cut it in a sex club. I knew I was against them for some reason.

PETER Do you have a hobby, something to distract you for while?

CRAIG No.

PETER Can't you lose yourself in your work?

CRAIG I'm a journalist for the gay right. I'm a Log Cabin Republican. You need a husband to be a journalist for the gay right. Otherwise they don't trust you. (He instantly recovers.) I'm sorry. I'm being very selfish. How are you?

PETER (Confused) I'm fine.

CRAIG I know so little about you. What do you do?

PETER I run a gay theatre.

CRAIG Oh, you do like Tony Kushner, Oscar Wilde, things like that?

PETER We do Shakespeare.

CRAIG Oh. Well, I wrote my master's thesis on the First Folio of Hamlet. (He bursts into tears.) Matty proofed it.

PETER Matty?

CRAIG The shit! The man who messed up my life! Oh, my stars, I never talk this way. (Recovering) I wrote on Hamlet, it's not important who proofed it. I wrote on Hamlet - that's all you need to know.

PETER We're doing Hamlet. Right now.

CRAIG Really.

PETER It's a new interpretation.

CRAIG I'd love to see it.

(Blackout. Spot on PETER.)

PETER (To audience) So I figured, "He needed some distraction and it was almost eight." We raced down to BART and hopped on a train to the Mission. We arrived just in time for the big scene with Ophelia.

(Lights up on JER and TOM as Hamlet and Ophelia on the platform UC. They are both naked - except that JER wears a page boy wig and TOM wears a girl’s wig and false eyelashes. PETER and CRAIG watch from the side.)

JER (Mid-speech) "Or if thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool, for wise men know well enough what monsters you make of them. To a nunnery, go, and quickly too. Farewell."

TOM "Heavenly powers, restore him."

JER "I have heard of your paintings, well enough. God hath given you one face, and you make yourselves another. You jog and amble, and you lisp; you nickname God's creatures and you make your wantonness your ignorance. Go to, I'll no more on't; it hath made me mad. I say we will have no moe marriage. Those that are married already - all but one - shall live; The rest shall keep as they are. To a nunnery go."

(JER thigh slaps his member a few times for emphasis. TOM runs off whimpering. Blackout. We hear applause. Lights up on CRAIG and PETER DC.)

CRAIG That was an excellent production.

PETER Thank you

CRAIG I thought it was a bold choice to use a boy actor to play Ophelia.

PETER You could tell it was a boy?

CRAIG Oh, yes. But the drag worked. I thought it was an ingenious reinscription of Shakespeare's original aesthetic - the boy actress on the Elizabethan stage.

PETER Yes, that was my intention.

(They both laugh.)

CRAIG I used to act.

PETER No? You?

CRAIG Oh, yes. I was a real ham in college.

PETER You think you might take it up again? As a hobby?

CRAIG Oh, I couldn't do this kind of acting. My style was much more... 46

PETER Methody?

CRAIG Yes, methody. I was very into props. And costumes.

PETER We do plays with costumes. As a matter of fact we're working on a new show. (Calling off-stage) Frederic? (To CRAIG) It's about Abraham Lincoln. You know about Abraham Lincoln?

CRAIG No, I don't.

PETER Well this show's fully costumed - and a musical. We're trying to get back to our gay-political-musical comedy no flapping penises roots. (CRAIG begins to whimper. PETER holds him.) Now, enough of that. We're here to distract ourselves. Would you like to try singing one of the songs? Sort of an audition.

CRAIG Oh, Gosh, I couldn't

PETER Of course you could. This is how we forget what a mess our lives are. Through the theatre. Through rehearsal and make believe. In this temple or sanctuary for all the lost souls abandoned by their one true love. Here we leave behind the role of acolyte and become gods ourselves. If only for an hour. And this is my muse of the gods. Frederic. Frederic, Craig Patterson.

(FREDERIC, who coincidentally looks exactly like MATT, has entered from SL.)

FREDERIC Hi, I've read your awful column. It really offends me.

CRAIG (Shocked) Hi... Hi...

FREDERIC Are you all right?

CRAIG Yeah, yes, you remind me of my ex-boyfriend.

FREDERIC Oh, yeah?

CRAIG Yes, he was also a composer. And also young and cute. Oh, Gosh, I hope that didn't offend you.

FREDERIC No, it didn't offend me.

CRAIG It's just... Well, I have this bad habit of flirting with people who look like my boyfriend.

FREDERIC That's ok, really, I have a bad habit of flirting with people older than me.

CRAIG Really?

(FREDERIC crosses to the piano.)

FREDERIC Here's your note.

CRAIG My note?

FREDERIC For the song.

(CRAIG has joined FREDERIC at the piano and FREDERIC begins teaching him the following song.)

Song: "Sounds Like Love"

FREDERIC/CRAIG WHAT'S THAT SOUND COMING FROM THE ROOF? SOUNDS LIKE SANTA AND 16 REINDEER HOOFS. IS IT ZEUS BELTING THUNDER FROM ABOVE? OOO! IT SOUNDS LIKE LOVE!

FREDERIC (Impressed) You've got it! You've got it!

CRAIG (Suddenly full of himself) I've got it! I'm brilliant!

CRAIG (Still singing from the sheet music) WHAT'S THIS I HEAR? A HUNDRED MICES SQUEAKING. IS IT THE PAIL IN WHICH A HUNDRED PIPES ARE LEAKING? WHATS THIS DISTURBANCE, IT'S SCARY, WARM AND ROUGH 48

OOO! IT SOUNDS LIKE LOVE.

FREDERIC Now I have to do this background singing. You just keep going though.

CRAIG Ok.

(CRAIG steps off SR.)

PETER (To audience) So Craig joined the company. Activist becomes actor.

FREDERIC OOO! YOU'VE GOT ME, RIGHT BY THE HEART STRINGS! OOO! YOU'VE SHOT ME, HEAR HOW MY HEART SINGS!

(FREDERIC continues with this throughout.)

CRAIG (Appearing with an Abraham Lincoln beard and hat) WHAT'S THAT SOUND COMING FROM THE ROOF.

PETER (To audience) Activist falls in love.

CRAIG (Singing to FREDERIC) SOUNDS LIKE SANTA AND 16 REINDEER HOOF.

PETER (To audience) And he made us legitimate once again.

CRAIG (Hamming it up) IS IT ZEUS BELTING THUNDER FROM ABOVE

PETER Once again we could sing and dance.

CRAIG/FREDERIC (To each other) OOO! IT SOUNDS LIKE LOVE!

PETER (To audience) And Jer could put his clothes back on. As Lincoln's lover, Ulysses S. Grant.

(JER enters dressed as Civil War General with beard and cigar.)

JER/CRAIG (To each other) AT FIRST I THOUGHT IT WAS A HURRICANE. AND THEN I THOUGHT IT MUST BE SLEET OR FREEZING RAIN. BUT NOW I KNOW IT'S YOU THAT'S MESSING UP MY WEATHER VANE 49

AND NOT THE SKIES ABOVE OOO! IT MUST BE LOVE

(During the following CRAIG assumes various statuesque postures.)

JER I HEAR A DRUM OR IS IT JUST MY HEART?

CRAIG "Four score and seven years ago."

JER WHEN YOU'RE NEAR, I CAN'T TELL THE TWO APART.

CRAIG (Simulated bufu of JER) "United we stand, divided we fall."

JER I'VE GOT THIS FEELING, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT OF

CRAIG (With appropriate smutty gestures) "As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master!"

ALL OOO! IT SOUNDS LIKE LOVE

(The music continues as a battle scene is played out on the platform by MICHAEL and TOM dressed as Union and Confederate soldiers. Meanwhile the others speak.)

PETER (As if he's coming backstage at intermission) They loved Act One!

CRAIG (Hugging PETER) Oh, my God! I'm brilliant!

JER No more Hamlet!

PETER (To audience) And the whole world came to see it. Well, the whole world south of Market.

CRAIG My life is saved. Theatre! Better than a sex club! Better than ambition!

PETER Better than a bathhouse!

CRAIG (Running off SL) Wardrobe! Make-up! Where the hell's make-up?

PETER (To the audience) And I even stopped banging around I was so happy. Not that banging around is a sign of self-pity. You see I think promiscuity can be a sign of health-

JER (To PETER) Oh, shut up. He's late! He's going to miss the finale.

PETER He'll never miss the finale. (To audience) I even included the little known fact that Lincoln was a transvestite and was dressed as Mary Todd Lincoln the night of his assassination. It was all in a book by Larry Kramer!

(CRAIG enters grandly in a ball gown and Lincoln beard for the big finale.)

CRAIG PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS RINGING IN MY EARS.

(Tap solo.)

ALL AM I INSANE OR IS IT THE MUSIC OF THE SPHERE?

(Group tap number.)

CRAIG I'VE GOT THIS FEELING, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT OF.

ALL OOO! IT SOUNDS LIKE LOVE!

(And on the final note TOM, dressed as JOHN WILKES BOOTH, puts a gun to CRAIG's head and blows his brains out. JER, standing beside CRAIG, vomits. Blackout. Thunderous applause. Lights up on PETER standing at the UR center door smoking.)

PETER (To audience) I retired to the stage door for my first cigarette in two years. It felt like nectar to my lungs!

(JANET enters from SR holding her coat.)

JANET Hello.

PETER (Surprised) Hi. 51

JANET I was in the audience.

PETER Really?

JANET That was pretty silly.

PETER Yeah?

JANET Oh, yeah.

PETER Does that mean you liked it?

JANET Yeah.

PETER Good, cause I don't need feedback.

(They laugh. She looks at the ground - not wanting to leave.)

JANET Well...

PETER Do you still teach dance?

JANET No, that contract ran out. A long time ago. I temp.

PETER Wow! What a waste of great talent.

JANET Thanks for that.

(She looks at the ground.)

JANET Well...

PETER Would you like to meet everyone or is someone waiting for you. 52

JANET No, there's no one waiting. It hasn't... Well, it hasn't been very good for me. (She starts to whimper.) It's actually been kind of shitty.

PETER My goodness...

JANET I'm sorry.

PETER (holding her) No, I'm sorry, I have this affect on people. (Putting the cigarette in her mouth) Here, have a drag.

(CRAIG and FREDERIC enter. CRAIG is dressed in a cape, large brimmed hat and scarf. He has become very grand.)

CRAIG Peter, dahling, we're off to the City Club for some Tequila! Then we should be ready for Esta Noche! (Billy Joel) "THIS NIGHT IS MINE..."

FREDERIC Give me your keys.

CRAIG What?

FREDERIC You're not driving.

CRAIG (Jack Nicholson) "I am not drunk. The pain has sobered me up."

FREDERIC Not yet. And stop braying.

CRAIG (Liz Taylor) "I don't bray!" (JANET laughs at this.) Oh, hello.

JANET Hi, you were great.

CRAIG Oh, thank you. I was, wasn't I?

FREDERIC (Trying to lead him out the door) Come on.

(CRAIG pulls his arm away.)

CRAIG (George Sanders) "You're far too small for that gesture. Besides it went out with Mrs. Fiske!"

(JANET cries again. They all stop and look at her.)

JANET I'm sorry.

FREDERIC/CRAIG/PETER No, I'm sorry.

JANET I'm a real mess. I know it.

PETER What's wrong?

JANET It's just I realized tonight I'll never be a dancer. I finally realized watching this show that I should give up my pretensions of ever being a dancer and go for a permanent position at Bank of America because I have a thimble full of talent and no chutzpah.

PETER We were that good?

JANET No, you were terrible. The set is cheap, the singing sucks and the script is awful. (To CRAIG) You were kind of funny, in a hammy kind of way. Are you an alcoholic?

CRAIG Not yet.

JANET Anyway, I sat there wishing desperately that I was up on stage with all of you and then I realized to what depths my aspirations have sunk and now I'm horrified of turning thirty.

PETER Yes, well...

CRAIG Drinks! Drinks! (Taking her arm and singing Billy Joel) THIS NIGHT IS MINE

ALL (Joining in) IT'S ONLY YOU AND I TOMORROW, IS A LONG WAY AWAY THIS CAN LAST FOREVER.

(As they sing they walk in place and a table with drinks and chairs is rolled in and placed CS. They sit behind it.)

PETER So I have a plan for a new show.

JANET Can I be involved?

PETER Of course. But remember - we only accept shitty dancing. Nothing quality.

JANET Yes, just give me a chance. I'll live down to your expectations.

PETER I was joking.

JANET (Sincerely) I wasn't.

PETER Yes, well, I've always wanted to do something really provocative - I mean something really disgusting and offensive. So I thought, now we have a hit on our hands, we could work in my latest idea. Run them in rep, you know.

FREDERIC Well, what's the new show called?

PETER Barebacking: A Musical Boof.

CRAIG Musical Boof?

PETER Yeah.

FREDERIC I don't get it.

PETER You know like musical spoof, but musical boof.

FREDERIC Ahhh... Boof.

CRAIG Hmmmm... Witty.

PETER Russian Roulette Parties. Gift-Givers. Bug Chasers. Kamikaze Fucks. The whole disgusting, dangerous world of unprotected anal intercourse. We can have the opening number in a bathhouse. We can have the Fecal Ballet. The Chorus of the Infected Sperm. We can use the songs from the Alexander show. It'll be ground- breaking theatre.

FREDERIC What's the point?

PETER The point is to be truly offensive, to shock people out of their middle-class complacency, to make them think for a second about the complexity of sex, the complexity of desire, the sheer weight of dread that attends the gay sex act and how many of us opt for rubberless fucking to remind ourselves of what we are and where we came from as a community.

FREDERIC I think it's sick.

PETER Of course it's sick. I can't spend the rest of my life putting on things that are healthy. I want to do something truly foul before I lose this theatre to condo development and a Taco Bell Quick Stop.

FREDERIC But why?

PETER To offend. It'll be like when Artaud crapped on the stage. It will revolutionize theatre as we know it.

FREDERIC Artaud never crapped on the stage.

PETER No, but he wanted to. It's our job to do what cowers the French.

CRAIG (Bravely) Peter, you saved me from a life of loneliness and despair. Whatever you decide I'll stand by. If it's me alone singing your disgusting songs - suffice it to say that I shall do it with a true heroic spirit.

JANET I think it's an awful idea but I'll choreograph. I'm desperate to have a life again. I'm desperate to be something other that a failed lesbian and a successful temp.

FREDERIC Well, you can't use my songs for this filth.

PETER Pleaaaaase.

FREDERIC Oh, God. Yes, yes of course.

(Blackout. Spot light on PETER.)

PETER (To the audience) That night I went home and adapted Alexander into a tale of complete sexual depravity.

(As he speaks the table and chairs are struck and everyone exits.)

FREDERIC (To the audience) And next morning we went into rehearsal.

(CRAIG, JER, MICHAEL and TOM enter wearing kamikaze headbands, blue jeans and white t-shirts. FREDERIC is at the piano.)

Song: "Whore Boys" - to the tune of "War Boys"

CRAIG/JER/MICHAEL/TOM IT'S TIME TO PRATT AND FELCH YOUR BUTT IT'S TIME TO FUCK LIKE LITTLE SLUTS WE'RE WHORE BOYS! SUCH WHORE BOYS!

JANET (Entering dressed a la choreographer) No, that's fucked up.

CRAIG Sorry.

JANET You're not sorry - you're sarcastic. I don't need your sarcasm.

CRAIG Now you listen to me, Missy, I've been with this company for two months.

FREDERIC Can we get on with it? 57

JANET That doesn't mean you can act or dance or sing.

CRAIG I don't need to act or dance or sing... I'm the star.

JANET Peter, I can't work with this.

CRAIG Try working with this. (He gives her arm a flesh twist.)

JANET You little bitch! (She leaps on him and bights his ear.)

FREDERIC (Excited) Fight! Fight!

JER/MICHAEL/TOM (Continuing with the song and dance) NOTHING ELSE WILL BE FINER THAN WHEN WE RIM THOSE ASIAN MINORS THEN UP THEIR CRACKS AND IN THEIR HOLES-

JANET (Still on CRAIG's back) Wrong, wrong, wrong.

PETER (To the audience) And of course there was romance.

(ASH - who looks just like SUZ and is, in fact, played by the same actress - enters from SR and looks around timidly.)

JANET (Noticing her) Suzie?

ASH No, my name's Ash.

JANET Hello.

(Everyone stops fighting.)

ASH I'm here for the audition. I read about it in Callboard.

PETER I didn't put an ad in Callboard. 58

JANET I did. (Looking at ASH) You're, you're just adorable. You are exactly what I'm looking for.

ASH Do you want to hear my monologue?

JANET No.

ASH Do you want to see me dance?

JANET No.

(Pause.)

ASH You don't want me to audition?

JANET You are auditioning.

ASH (Singing) SO MAYBE NOW THIS SONG'S THE LAST ONE OF ITS KIND

JANET (Revolted) Don't ever sing Annie. Ok?

ASH Ok.

JANET Peter, this is our new principal dancer.

PETER But...

JANET But what?

PETER She's a girl.

JANET There are gay girls, you know. They're called lesbians. 59

PETER Can she play lesbian?

JANET Can you play lesbian?

ASH Sure. (Pause.) How am I doing?

JANET Brilliant!

PETER We don't know if she can dance.

JANET (Desperate) I'll make her dance. I'll work her. I'll break her till she's my little pony. But I must have her. She's the statement I want to make.

(ASH breaks into a spectacular dance.)

PETER (To the audience) And of course I restored my big solo. (He sings to the tune of "Misery.")

Song: "Ecstasy"

PETER WHEN YOUR BUTT'S FULL OF WARTS AND IT HURTS (Holding up a dose) ECSTASY (He pops it.)

MICHAEL YOU'VE GOT SYPH YOU'VE GOT GON YOU'VE GOT HEP (Taking a dose) ECSTASY

CRAIG WHEN THE HERPS SCAB UP YOUR LIPS YOU NEED PERCS YOU NEED POPS YOU NEED NIPS (He takes a nip from a flask.)

PETER WHEN THE CRACK AND ALL THE COKE LEAVES YOU POZ AND FLAT BROKE

PETER/MICHAEL/CRAIG ECSTASY.

PETER (To audience) And on opening night I snuck into the audience to catch the finale.

(As cast sings CRAIG disappears behind them, obviously eating out MICHAEL’s bottom.)

ALL I'M NOT A TOP, I AM A BOTTOM GIVE ME ANAL SEX WITHOUT A CONDOM

(CRAIG surfaces with poo all over his face – fudge frosting works nicely.)

ALL IT'S NOT THE END, IT'S INTERMISSION THERE'S A WHOLE MORE ACT OF AIDS TRANSMISSION!

CRAIG (To audience) Dinner!

(CRAIG dives back into MICHAEL’s bottom. Raunchy drum music - as if for a striptease. The cast grinds and ends by mooning the audience. On their rumps is written: "The End." Blackout. No applause - except from PETER, in the audience, who is ecstatic. Lights bump up on the cast looking bombed out.)

PETER You guys were great!

JANET (In shock) I can't believe we just performed that.

MICHAEL How is it out there? I mean, it sounded a little quiet.

PETER Oh, they loved it. They were just thinking.

FREDERIC Good thing you didn't have an intermission.

CRAIG I was brilliant!

(They have all exited to change. PETER beams with pride. HEN enters from UL door. He stands holding his coat.)

HEN Hi.

PETER (Stunned) Oh, hi, hello.

HEN It's me.

PETER Yes.

HEN It's Hen.

PETER Yeah, well, no duh. Wow.

HEN How have you been?

PETER How have I been? I've been great.

HEN I loved the show.

PETER Yeah, well, thanks. My God, where did you come from?

HEN I'm... I'm in town. I'm visiting my parents.

PETER You're speaking to them?

HEN Yeah, now I am.

PETER The last time I saw you you were on David Letterman. Doing a stand-up routine. About your girlfriend.

HEN Yeah, well, you have to change the gender for Letterman.

PETER Yeah, I bet. Jeez, you look... You look exactly the same.

HEN So do you.

PETER Pish.

CRAIG (Entering from off SL dressed for the town) Hello.

PETER Oh, Craig, hey.

HEN (To CRAIG) Hi. I enjoyed your performance.

CRAIG Thank you.

PETER Oh, sorry, this is Craig, who is a former sex-negative Log Cabin Republican who writes for right wing publications and is still trying to shut down sex clubs by day-

CRAIG I'm the star of the company, ignore him. This is Frederic.

(FREDERIC, JANET and ASH have entered.)

HEN Hey, Frederic. Nice work. I'm Hen.

FREDERIC Hi, Hen.

CRAIG Hey, Hen.

PETER And this is Janet and Ash.

HEN (To ASH) Hi.

ASH Hey.

HEN (To JANET Hello.

JANET Hi.

HEN Do you remember?

JANET Yeah, I remember...

HEN I couldn't believe you were up there.

JANET I can't believe it either.

HEN Hey, look at this. (He walks about with a little limp.) A little limp. I guess now I'm an artist.

(JANET and PETER look at one another and sigh in adoration. PETER has to adjust his shorts.)

PETER Should we get a drink?

CRAIG Let's get a drink.

(As CRAIG speaks the table and chairs enter behind him and the others sit.)

CRAIG (To the audience) Sometimes there is a God. And when you spend enough time with someone you eventually see their religion. That night, when Hen turned up after the show, I saw Peter's religion.

FREDERIC (To the audience) We retired to the City Club - where we were welcomed with adulation.

(Off stage we hear the City Club staff sing to them "Whore Boys" in Spanish. CRAIG acknowledges the adulation. JANET swings at a piñata.)

CRAIG Merci. Merci beaucoup. (FREDERIC nudges him.) Gracias. Gracias beaucoup.

ASH So you all go way back.

PETER (Staring at HEN) Way back. 64

JANET Hen and Peter were in my dance class at Berkeley. When I taught dance class at Berkeley.

CRAIG Are you a dancer now?

HEN No, I'm a retired stand-up/actor/waiter. I do commercials. Usually with my shirt off. (Notices PETER is staring at him.) What?

PETER (Raising his glass) Ladies and gentleman, I'd like to propose a toast.

HEN Ok.

PETER To Hen, the light of my life, there hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about this person and to be sitting here now with him is, like, the nicest thing that's happened to me in a very long time. Just like Hen was the nicest thing that happened to me ever.

ALL Cheers.

PETER Hen is beauty.

(HEN blushes.)

JANET Is he embarrassing you?

PETER No, he loves this.

HEN No, I love this.

(Everybody goes awww...)

HEN (Rising) But, you have to excuse me.

PETER (Paranoid) Where're you going?

HEN To the men's room. Ok? (PETER grabs his arm.) I'll be back. I promise.

(PETER lets him go reluctantly and HEN exits DR. CRAIG wells up.)

CRAIG It's so touching. I think I'm going to cry.

JANET Oh, stop, would you stop?

CRAIG (Welling up) I'm serious. I'm very upset. I'm a very emotional person.

JANET You're acting. You've got to learn to stop acting when the play's over.

CRAIG (Sincerely to PETER) I am so happy for you.

PETER I'm not getting married.

CRAIG I've never seen you like this. You glow.

PETER This is how I used to be. When I was in school.

ASH It's very romantic.

HEN (Re-entering) Oooops, false alarm.

JANET That's very ominous. What do you mean false alarm?

HEN I mean, sometimes, I have to sit down a lot.

PETER What?

HEN Diarrhea. Lots of diarrhea. Is that redundant? Lots of diarrhea?

CRAIG Yes, diarrhea is redundant by nature. 66

PETER Why do you have diarrhea?

HEN Why do I have diarrhea? Well...

(Pause.)

JANET Oh, no.

FREDERIC What?

JANET You don't want to talk about this, do you?

HEN No, not particularly. But I brought it up. Or out as the case might be.

FREDERIC What are you talking about?

PETER You're kidding?

HEN No, I'm not.

FREDERIC What?

CRAIG Let's not talk about it.

HEN (To FREDERIC) It's not a big drama. It's my cocktail that does it. My cocktail gives me diarrhea.

FREDERIC (Looking at his drink) Really?

JANET Not that cocktail.

FREDERIC Oh. Oh, you're kidding?

(PETER hits HEN hard.) 67

PETER (Close to tears) How dare you! How dare you show up after eight years sick! How dare you?

JANET Peter.

CRAIG Take it easy.

PETER How could you do this to yourself? It's a crime. It's an outrageous art crime. It's like spitting on the Mona Lisa. You've defiled a masterpiece. You're not sick. You're not. I won't have it. You've ruined the second greatest moment of my life! And you ruined the first greatest moment also! (Hitting him some more) I just can't believe you. (Pulling himself together) I'm sorry. I need some air. I'm sorry. I'll go powder my nose or whatever a lady does in a situation like this.

(PETER exits hurriedly.)

HEN (To the others) Excuse me.

(PETER crosses around SL to DC as if he's gone outside the bar. When he reaches DC he slips on something and then attempts to wipe whatever it is off his shoe. HEN joins him. Lights fade to a dim light on the table UC.)

PETER I stepped in vomit. How appropriate. Try to make a dramatic exit in this fucking neighborhood and you end up slipping in vomit.

(HEN hugs him.)

PETER Oh, God, this is so Ryan O'Neal in Love Story. No, I'm dating myself. Demi in Ghost. Tell me you have some place to live. Are you destitute? Are you homeless? Is that why you're here?

HEN (Overlapping) Calm down, calm down, I'm not broke, I'm fine, I'm out here to work.

PETER Do you have a place to stay?

HEN Yes, I'm staying with my parents. And I even have a job. I'm shooting a commercial. On Treasure Island. I have health insurance and I work enough to make a living. And, I might just be on a television series next season. Ok?

PETER (Hitting him) You are so stupid. How could you? How could you do this to yourself?

HEN (Falling to his knees) Ow, careful, aw...

PETER Oh, my God, are you ok? Do you need a doctor?

HEN Call an ambulance.

PETER (Reaching in his pocket) I have a whistle. Wait! (Sees HEN is smiling. He hits him again.) You are just bad. What is wrong with you? In this day and age? Jesus, I feel like I was born wearing a condom. Where have you been?

HEN I can think of a few times you weren't wearing a condom.

PETER Oh, come on, that was different.

HEN How was it different? We were in love? We were young? We were experimenting?

PETER You mean you never grew out of that?

HEN Did you?

PETER Of course I did. You think I think like my shows? That's politics. I'm standing up for the rights of the oppressed.

HEN The oppressed idiots?

PETER Don't make fun of my art. It's not something you want to discuss - it's like nose size or penis size or - you shouldn't have to defend it. Just stupid, that's what you are.

HEN Is this a judgment? Did I do something bad?

PETER I just… can't believe it. (He moves away from HEN and covers his face.)

HEN Well, you're musical about barebacking was delightful. The songs were great and Craig is a real find, and Janet, well, it was great to see her up there-

PETER (Turning to him) You are so special... To me... Can we go somewhere?

HEN (After a pause) Yeah.

PETER Not your parents' house.

HEN No.

PETER/HEN Corona Heights.

(They kiss. We hear the Delfonic's "Didn't I Blow Your Mind This Time" as the lights fade to black DS. The light UC lingers on the two couples still sitting at the table. ASH kisses JANET and FREDERIC kisses CRAIG as their light fades to black and the music swells.)

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

(The lights come up on CRAIG, JANET, JER, ASH, TOM, and MICHAEL dressed as for a British sex farce. FREDERIC mans the piano.)

JANET (To the audience) Our winter show was a sex farce.

JER (To audience) But the theatre on Sixteenth Street was too small for a set.

MICHAEL (To audience) So we had to open the show up to the walls.

TOM (To audience) To make use of the doors.

ASH (To audience) And the doors led to the outside.

CRAIG (To audience) To the rain.

(All exit except JANET and JER who are now locked in an embrace.)

JANET (In an English accent) I love you Maximillian.

JER (Also in an accent) And I love you Letitia.

JANET I want you Maximillian. (Kissing.) Bedroom.

(They run to the bedroom door SL - which is also the fire door to the outside. JER opens the door and we see rain pouring down. The two of them brace themselves and run out into the rain, slamming the door behind them. CRAIG enters from SR holding a brief case.)

CRAIG (English accented) Letitia darling, I'm home. Darling. Are you in the kitchen? Yoo-hoo, darling.

(He exits through UL center door, stopping first to cover his head with his brief case in preparation for the rain in the "kitchen." JER, wearing boxers - no pants, and JANET enter from bedroom closing umbrellas - they are soaked.)

JANET I heard a sound.

JER What did you hear?

CRAIG (From the kitchen) Darling, are you out there?

JANET Quick, hide in the closet.

JER But my pants are in the bedroom.

JANET I'll hide them.

(She shoves him into the closet door SR as he opens the umbrella. In the closet we see lightning and much rain. Thunder sounds. JANET slams the closet door just as CRAIG enters from the kitchen. He is soaked.)

CRAIG Letitia!

JANET Reginald, my darling.

CRAIG What's for dinner?

JANET Let's go out.

CRAIG (Looking at her lips) You've been kissed. The bedroom.

(He runs to bedroom. He opens the door and is met by thunder sound. He braces himself and exits into the thunderous bedroom. JER emerges from the closet closing an umbrella. He almost can't get the door shut the wind is so strong.)

JER Has he gone?

JANET He's in the bedroom.

JER I'll leave.

JANET Let me call James to drive you home. 72

JER No!

JANET Jaaaaames!

(MICHAEL emerges from the closet dressed as JAMES the Butler. His pants are down around his ankles though. He is of course closing an umbrella as he enters.)

MICHAEL (Sounding like an English butler) Yes, Madame.

JANET James, what were you doing in the closet with Max?

MICHAEL Fellating the guest, Madame.

JER Letitia, I can explain.

JANET You bastard, you bastard, you bastard!

JER Letitia get a hold of yourself! (He slaps her.)

CRAIG (Entering holding MAX's pants - which are sopping wet - and shivering like he has pneumonia) Whose pants are these? Max! Letitia, you slut!

JANET Reginald, I can explain.

(CRAIG slaps her.)

JANET I just caught Max and James in the closet.

CRAIG James! You two-timing slut! (CRAIG slaps MICHAEL.)

JANET Reginald? James? You sluts!

(JANET slaps CRAIG and MICHAEL.)

MICHAEL Maxy? Regy? You sluts!

(MICHAEL slaps JER and CRAIG. There is an awkward pause.)

JANET (Normal voice to CRAIG) You're supposed to run to the bedroom.

CRAIG (Normal voice to JANET) No fucking way.

JANET (Back in character) Fifi! Fifi! Call the police. Where are you Fifi?

ASH (Entering from the kitchen dressed as maid but minus the dress and holding an umbrella and a duster and speaking high pitched French) Je suis ici, Madame. (We see snow falling in the kitchen.)

JANET Fifi!

MICHAEL Fifi!

JER Fifi!

CRAIG Fifi!

(TOM enters from the kitchen. He is dressed as the gardener in smock and gardening hat and holds a watering can and clippers.)

MICHAEL/CRAIG/JANET/JER And the gardener!

TOM The sun is shining and the hibiscus are in blossom. You're all sluts! (He turns to exit and we see that the smock is all he his wearing. ASH quickly covers his exposed bum with her duster.)

JANET You slut! (She slaps ASH.)

MICHAEL (To CRAIG) Sir, you slut! (He slaps CRAIG.)

TOM Fifi, tu slut! (He slaps ASH.) 74

ASH James, vous etes un slut! (She slaps JAMES.)

ALL (Slapping each other) Slut! Slut! Slut!

PETER (From the audience) Stop! Well, what do you think should happen next?

(Everyone is rubbing their jaw. They speak to PETER.)

JANET Can we discuss the political correctness of men hitting women, fags hitting dykes, and violence as a form of humor?

PETER It's farce.

CRAIG Can we discuss the rain off-stage?

PETER We don't open till Spring.

MICHAEL Can we discuss all the stupid closet jokes?

PETER These people aren't liberated - that's their problem.

JER Can we discuss how there's no heat in this theatre?

PETER Heat kills great acting and puts audiences to sleep.

TOM My butt's frostbitten.

CRAIG This show's driving me insane!

(HEN enters through lobby doors.)

HEN Hi.

PETER Hen! (Beaming) Would somebody tell Hen how angelic he is, he just doesn't believe me anymore.

(They all speak at once.)

CRAIG Hen, you're angelic, would you explain hypothermia and pneumonia to your boyfriend.

JANET You're a little Boromini cherub, Hen, and you're the only faggot I know who hasn't been instructed to beat me.

JER You're cute, I'm cute, everybody's cute and I'm fucking freezing!

MICHAEL Hen, I owe you from last week but could I borrow another twenty. I just got a job serving summonses but I only get paid at the end of the month.

ASH (Kissing him) Hey, Hen, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss...

TOM He's not that cute. He's not. I don't get it. He's just not.

(End overlap.)

PETER Stop it! Now where were we?

TOM My butt's frostbitten.

CRAIG This show's driving me insane!

PETER (Making a speech) Oh, come on, kids, we've got to stick with it. This is our bid for breakthrough. Our chance to get north of Market Street. Our shot at the big time. Janet, you'll be able to stop temping. Craig, you can quit writing that homophobic column of yours. Jer, you won't have to run your ad in the back of BAR anymore. Michael, you won't have to steal from the box office to supply your K habit. And Ash and Tom, you two can quit doing whatever it is you do everyday. We'll be on Broadway, with our name in lights - lunches at the Rainbow Room with Henry Kissinger. Dinners at the Algonquin with Karen Akers. Do you trust me?

(The following all comes at once in a cacophony.) 76

CRAIG (Pointing off SL) I am not going into that bedroom one more time without a fucking wetsuit!

JANET I am sick of fags hitting me! Susan Faludi could write a book about what goes on here!

JER I haven't advertised in BAR in three years! I am board certified in massage!

MICHAEL Comps! It's all comps! How many times do I have to tell you nobody pays to see this crap! They stop by to see Jer on their way to Pleasure Dome!

TOM My butt is stiff with frost and full of splinters. Could I please have a blow torch and a pair of tweezers.

ASH Has anyone seen my panties? I've lost three pair of panties since we started rehearsing this show!

(The yelling subsides.)

PETER Well, let's break. I think we're done for the evening. Good work tonight.

(They exit all yelling at each other at once.)

CRAIG (To JANET) You have got to stop jumping my line in that second scene. There are other speaking roles in this play, sweetie.

JANET (To CRAIG) The fat of the cheek, buddy, the fat of the cheek, that's the third time you've punched out by contact.

JER (To MICHAEL) Your umbrella going up my butt everytime I go off-stage is really pissing me off.

MICHAEL (To JER) I have to make a quick turn back there in the dark and don't pretend you even feel it at this point.

TOM (to himself) My butt used to have life. Now it's dead. A dead butt.

ASH I'm really serious you guys - I want my panties. I'm tired of riding the 22 with my la-la hanging out.

(PETER crosses to HEN.)

PETER (Desperate) I have to get north of Market Street. I have to get into the big time quick. I'm tired of making pep talks because I have no money to pay them. I'm tired of writing crap dialogue in the middle of the night. I'm tired of painting the set myself and sewing zippers in their crotches and patching the leaks in the roof and acting like it's all a wonderful adventure. Like I'm a true Bohemian.

HEN You want to get into commercials? Get treated like an idiot all day by idiots.

PETER Yes, get me into a commercial. I can sell anything - I might not have a rock hard chest but I could sell pasta. Or Ex-Lax. Gardening equipment.

(HEN and PETER exit. FREDERIC still sits at his piano. He plucks out a simple tune. Then he picks up a phone on the piano and dials. He speaks into the phone - becoming MATT as he does so.)

MATT Hello, Craig, it's Matt, call me some time and we can get together. I have a new number. It's 621-5940. (And he sets the phone down and begins playing again. CRAIG enters from SR and kisses him.)

FREDERIC Did you hear Matt's message?

CRAIG Yeah.

FREDERIC Do you still think about him?

CRAIG No. (Referring to the song) That's nice.

FREDERIC I'm just creating the lyrics.

Song: "After the War"

FREDERIC THE THING ABOUT LONGING IT WON'T LET YOU REST. 78

IT STICKS IN YOUR SIDE IT BURNS IN YOUR CHEST

CRAIG That's beautiful.

(The music continues. JANET and ASH enter SL. JANET is dressed to dance.)

JANET So this Asian-American dance company hired me for this dance - the theme is violence towards women.

ASH Where are you going to perform this?

JANET Schools, you know. Just tell me what you think.

(JANET begins moving about to the music as ASH watches. PETER and HEN enter from SR.)

HEN Today was a video.

PETER A video?

HEN Yeah, I played the boyfriend of this druggy teenager. She looked just like Ash this girl. Her name is Suz and she's like a twenty-eight year old teenager. She was in close-up the whole time and I was in deep focus doing shit like this.

(He moves about the stage looking drugged and confused. At some point ASH turns to the audience and begins singing like a druggy teenager - becoming SUZ as she does so.)

SUZ THE THING ABOUT LONGING IT WON'T LET YOU REST IT STICKS IN YOUR SIDE IT BURNS IN YOUR CHEST.

(JER has entered and been drawn into JANET's dance as the violent man. He strikes her on certain beats of the tempo. SUZ continues with FREDERIC.)

SUZ/FREDERIC FOR SOME LOVE'S A FIRE FOR ME IT'S A SCORCH. AFLAME WITH DESIRE 79

I'LL CARRY YOUR TORCH

HEN And of course they told me: "Great, but could you try it again in your underwear."

JANET And of course I fall in love with my attacker.

FREDERIC And of course there's a big Celine moment.

FREDERIC (Really belting the note)/SUZ EVEN AFTER THE WAR I STILL HAVE TO FIGHT AS HARD AS BEFORE WITH ALL OF MIGHT

(During this JANET has started to caress PETER's face lovingly and HEN has stripped down to his briefs. HEN begins to kiss SUZ's neck.)

FREDERIC/SUZ WHILE OTHERS GO HOME TO FORTUNE AND FAME I STAND HERE ALONE ON MY CAMPAIGN.

(Throughout CRAIG has been typing on a laptop. During the final verse ASH replaces JER in JANET's arms, CRAIG joins FREDERIC on the piano bench and PETER replaces ASH in HEN's arms.)

ASH It is so misogynistic.

JANET I know. But it's paid work. Dancing.

(They kiss and their light fades SL.)

FREDERIC I imagine it's how Matt feels.

CRAIG Why do you care?

FREDERIC I care a lot what Matt feels.

(They kiss and their light at the piano fades. PETER has handed HEN a condom.) 80

HEN What is this? Safe-sex?

PETER It's called negotiated sex.

HEN And what do I get from this negotiation?

PETER You get the satisfaction of doing the right thing.

HEN (Ironic) Oh, ok.

PETER Now don't you feel good about yourself?

HEN Oh, I feel spectacular. Like a saint. Does this mean you want to have sex but you don't want to have me? Like sometime soon you'll walk away and you want to leave me behind.

PETER Is that what you are? A disease? If I get your disease then I get you?

HEN It feels that way.

PETER And that's all you've got to give?

HEN It's become part of what I've got to give, yes. I can't be a slut anymore. And I can't be alone. I want to tie you to me. Incapacitate your ability to go away. I want your fidelity but I want it with chains.

PETER Really?

HEN No.

PETER Hey-

HEN No, hey to you. Don't promise me anything. 81

PETER I won't.

(HEN unwraps the condom. Lights fade. The music fades. Lights bump back up. HEN has left the stage - we are back in rehearsal. CRAIG gives PETER a big hug.)

CRAIG Peter, I am so sorry.

PETER It's ok, Craig.

CRAIG Cranky, cranky, cranky that's what I've become.

PETER No…

CRAIG I love your farce, it's beautifully written and I'll perform it even if it gives me malaria.

PETER Thanks, Craig.

CRAIG No, it's not ok. I am under so much pressure right now. Write, write, write all day - act, act, act all night.

PETER And you set such high standards for yourself.

CRAIG And I set such high standards for myself. Now I was thinking - if we came up with a play which combined my political philosophy with a liiiittle bit more of what one might term... um, conventional theatre technique? ... I think we might have a combination which juuuust might make me feel a liiiittle less... uptight.

PETER (Carefully) What did you have in mind?

CRAIG How's about a naturalistic play about same-sex marriage. That's an important subject.

PETER Then write a play about it. 82

CRAIG I'm not the playwright. I'm the star. You're the writer. I'm Al Pacino, you're Francis Ford Coppola - now write me something to star in.

PETER (Pointing right) Gay Marriage is over here, it's working in that direction. (Pointing left) I'm over here, I'm working in this direction. I'm working left, not right.

CRAIG Which is exactly why there'll never be same-sex marriage because of promiscuous gay people like yourself and their ridiculous proselytizing on behalf of unsafe sex.

PETER Boy, oh, boy, some things never change - (Correcting him) Safer sex, not unsafe sex.

CRAIG Barebacking the Musical?

PETER That was a spoof.

CRAIG No, it was a boof.

PETER If I want to put barebacking sex onstage that doesn't mean I'm promoting it.

CRAIG Fine. Then put gay marriage onstage - you won't be promoting that either.

PETER When I found you you were weeping in a sex club on the verge of suicide. What is this sudden resurgence of interest in the gay right?

CRAIG It is not the gay right. It is the gay center. It is the gay all. This community is capable of fighting for one thing. The one thing needs to be equal marriage rights for gays and straights.

PETER How about equal sex rights? Nobody gives a shit about whether or not straight people wear condoms or have bathhouses-

CRAIG Sex-centrism! It is exactly what alienates our movement from the rights and privileges accorded the straight community. 83

PETER Oh, Jesus, all this talk about community and movement - I don't see any gay community. Look at you and me - we're not members of a gay community. We can't agree on anything.

CRAIG We agree on a lot of things.

PETER Yeah, theatre, we're members of a theatre community.

CRAIG Theatre is what we don't agree on. I think a lot of this stuff is silly.

PETER What's that?

CRAIG Our theatre. The drag, the camp, the nudity, the crudity of it all. It's crass. It's shrill. It's all part of a stereotype.

PETER Well, it's ours. And a lot of very different people come and see it. And they seem to appreciate it.

CRAIG I'm saying that there's got to be another side to being gay. And that there's another side to theatre. (Looking around) Would somebody else help me on this.

JANET Well, the token lesbian perspective actually is in support of Peter. I think we should stay as crude and radical as possible. They start taking away your rights to screw wherever you want, they'll start taking away my rights to screw at all. I think the more civil liberties the better.

CRAIG Who is this they? Our audience? Are we instructing our audience? (Picking up a newspaper on the piano) Read one of our reviews. (Reading from the paper) "Preaching to the choir." "Instructing the converted." "The audience hears what they want to hear, so they clap."

JANET We have people walk out every night.

CRAIG Yeah, so I guess they're not listening.

PETER We're not doing it for the people who won't listen.

JANET We're doing it for the people who might.

PETER Well, I think a lot of people who might listen take off because it's silly and loud. And I think a lot of people who don't listen might just stay if they we're hearing something, dare I say, just a little more conservative.

PETER Well, let me think about it. (The others freeze. PETER speaks to the audience.) You see what happens to you. You get happy then you get complacent then you find yourself doing things to maintain the happiness/complacency status quo. I'm actually considering writing a play on this subject?

HEN (Entering from SR) Why not?

PETER Because I don't want to, because I don't believe in it. Marriage? Marriage is for heterosexuals. It is not a gay friendly institution, it can't be, by definition. I don't want to be a member of a club that won't have a person like me as a member. I'm sorry, I'm funny that way. They don't want me, I don't want them. (Welling up) But I've been so happy. (HEN exits. PETER picks up a script from the piano and speaks to the others who have unfrozen.) I wrote a play last night about same-sex marriage. We'll open it in rep with the farce. It's a realistic play so we'll have to tone things down. I want naturalism, folks, naturalism: beats, objectives, obstacles, secondary activities, and… (He has trouble, real trouble, saying it) pauses. We can have some... p- p- p- pauses.

JER I don't understand a word you said.

TOM Objections?

MICHAEL Beats?

PETER From now on, for one night a week, we're going to show some respect for acting. We're also going to show some respect for alternative views. Radical views from my perspective.

CRAIG (Through tears) We're such a great group.

PETER It's called "Till Death Us Do Part." It's based on recent developments in the news. The year is 1996. The setting: Hawaii.

(All but CRAIG and JER exit. CRAIG and JER remove their sweaters to reveal Hawaiian shirts. We hear ukulele music. ASH can be seen UL hoola dancing in a grass skirt. TOM, in a sarong, occasionally blows on a conch. CRAIG and JER are now in the middle of a scene of some kind. CRAIG is pausing. A long time passes.)

PETER (From the aisle) I know there's a line.

CRAIG (To PETER) I'm getting to it.

PETER Are you trying to motivate the line?

CRAIG Yes.

PETER Well, could you choose a faster motivation?

CRAIG I don't understand.

PETER Well, let's say a plane is about to crash into your head and if you don't say the line quickly and get the hell out of there you'll fucking die. Ok?

CRAIG I thought we were going to pause in this one.

PETER Well, that wasn't a pause. That was a black hole.

CRAIG Are you saying... pick up the pace? Faster, louder, funnier? Work the audience?

FREDERIC (Entering with the ukulele) I hate playing this thing.

CRAIG They don't have pianos in Hawaii. They have ukuleles.

FREDERIC It is unaesthetic. It does not make a musical sound. 86

TOM (Holding his shell) Try blowing on a couch.

(JANET enters holding a pillow. She has obviously been sleeping.)

JANET Where are we?

PETER We're still in the first scene.

JANET Oh. (She walks off wearily.)

CRAIG (Referring to ASH) She's distracting me. Do we have to have a hoola girl?

PETER Yes, we can't afford a set. She's ambient. Now can we pick it up from the line after the pause?

CRAIG Can we take it from the beginning of the scene?

(Groaning from everyone in the theatre. Blackout. The spot snaps on DC. A bundle of newspapers flies into the spot lit area. A dim light comes up on PETER in sweats, a ratty t-shirt and a bathrobe stumbling sleepily towards the papers. He claws the top paper from the bundle, throws a quarter on top of the bundle and slowly pages through the paper to the appropriate page. There he reads something with interest. The lights come up to reveal the entire cast sitting about the stage intently reading other newspapers.)

JER What does "egregious" mean?

PETER It means shitty.

ASH What does "excremental" mean?

PETER It means shitty. Literally.

TOM (Excited) This paper called it "fecal!"

PETER That means shitty.

JANET What did the Times say?

CRAIG They said it was shitty.

JANET What word did they use?

CRAIG Shitty.

JANET Did anybody not think it was shitty?

FREDERIC Spectrum. They thought it was constipated.

PETER (Throwing his paper) Flops! Flops! Flops! Flops! That's all we do around here are flops.

CRAIG It wasn't a flop.

PETER You read the reviews?

CRAIG Yeah, they're... mixed.

JANET Lincoln wasn't a flop.

JER Hamlet wasn't a flop.

ASH And Barebacking was an intentional flop.

PETER Nobody gives a damn anymore. They can see it all at the movies or on TV or someplace better. We need to push out farther. Into uncharted territory. One last big push. The last hurrah. One more chance to hit the big time. To see our name in lights. Ideas. Come on, people, ideas!

FREDERIC A NAMBLA musical.

PETER No.

ASH Female nudity.

PETER It's been done.

JANET Sex with pets.

PETER Too hard to cast.

CRAIG Gay man falls in love with a straight woman.

PETER Completely unbelievable.

MICHAEL Backstage musical.

PETER Boring.

JER Gays in the military.

PETER Hideously boring.

CRAIG Outdoor Shakespeare.

(Everyone boos and throws things at him.)

MICHAEL A minstrel show.

PETER (Slowly) Let's put a hold on that one.

TOM Gay people. A show about gay people. 89

PETER Thank you.

CRAIG Nothing.

PETER What?

CRAIG Nothing.

PETER What does that mean?

CRAIG Why don't we take a break? We've been banging this stuff out for over a year. Maybe we need some time to recharge our batteries. Regroup. A sabbatical.

PETER That's an awful idea.

CRAIG People might want to do other things.

PETER No.

JANET It's not a bad idea. We've been locked into production for months. I'd like to do some stuff outside of this group. My stuff. Abstract stuff.

CRAIG And I could certainly use a break.

(Pause.)

PETER It's sinful.

(Blackout. Spot on PETER as he puts his bathrobe over his arm and walks about the stage glumly.)

PETER (To the audience) I produce, therefore I am. They've emasculated me. (He walks some more.) I'm nothing. (He walks some more and finally arrives at HEN, who lays on the platform under a blanket. PETER's movements have been accompanied by 90

FREDERIC playing a rendition of "After the War." PETER climbs under the blanket behind HEN. HEN is shivering.)

PETER How are you?

HEN It's a cold, Petey. Cold's happen.

(PETER snuggles up behind him.)

PETER We got serious. That's what messed us up. We tried to get serious and we worried too much about money and about keeping everyone happy. That's how I lost them.

HEN (Southern accent) "That's what messed us up." Ya gotta say that with a southern accent. "That's where I lost you, chil..." (He coughs.)

PETER (Hugging him tighter) I'm going to cure you.

HEN It's a cold, Peter.

PETER I'm going to cure you by loving you. Love as chemo. It will fry your cancer into oblivion.

HEN Don't say that. There is no cure.

PETER It's a chronic illness, Hen…

HEN That's funny. I have it and I think of it as fatal.

PETER Don't say that.

HEN I'm going to die, Peter. It's inevitable. I don't care what the hell you read or hear or tell yourself. There's no cure. It's a fatal illness and I will die from it. And the quality of my life, what's left of it, will be low.

PETER You have medication. You keep taking it you'll be fine. 91

HEN (Sitting up and dressing as he speaks) Yeah, keep taking it, keep changing it, keep taking that. You know what I've been through with this shit? First I was on Ritonavir, which made me shit all the time and gave me an itch that I swear to God I scratched until my arms bled. I used to tell everyone I cracked up rollerblading. They liked hearing that more than they liked hearing it was self-inflicted. Like I was trying to scratch this fucking disease out of my body. Which I was. Then a year ago I switched my cocktail to get rid of the diarrhea and itching. Now I'm on Crixivan, AZT and 3TC. Which didn't get rid of my diarrhea but which brought up my numbers and eliminated the itching. But it seems I've outgrown the benefits of that particular cocktail which means I need to switch out 3TC and the AZT and replace them with one of the "D" drugs - ddi, ddc, d4t, which, judging by the experience of my friends, means I might suffer crippling neuropathy and, surprise-surprise, more diarrhea. So I can stay on the AZT and remain lucid but I'll die or I can go on the ddi and not die but consign myself to a life of migraines and vomiting.

PETER Hen...

HEN You think I came back to be with someone I love, to finally settle down and enjoy myself with my life partner? I came back to die, Peter. I came back so that when I die I'll be near the one person I can trust to love me and take care of me. You think I'm going to get better? You think your love can cure what all these things have failed to cure? You will watch me die. And the fact that I might pull out in front and save myself a few more times will not change that. I will die. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon. Slow curtain. Fade to black.

PETER People have lived ten years with HIV.

HEN Those are very special people.

PETER You're special.

HEN And some of them have a lot of money.

PETER I can't watch you die.

HEN I've got to go. I'm meeting Janet.

(HEN exits SL. FREDERIC plays at his piano. CRAIG enters UR proofing an article.) 92

FREDERIC What do you think?

CRAIG It's lovely. It's all lovely.

(CRAIG leans on the piano and listens. The phone rings. CRAIG answers it. We hear MATT's voice.)

CRAIG Hello.

MATT (On the phone) Craig, it's Matt.

CRAIG Yes?

MATT I want to see you. Can I see you?

CRAIG Uhmmmm... No.

MATT I saw your show. Two times actually. I was hoping you'd spot me in the audience.

CRAIG No, thank you. But thank you for offering. (He hangs up.)

FREDERIC Who was that?

CRAIG Telemarketers.

FREDERIC Ash is coming over.

CRAIG Uh, yeah, listen, I think I'll go for a walk. Escape the cloud.

(CRAIG looks lost in thought. FREDERIC continues to play. He looks at CRAIG. The phone rings. JANET, struggling into a dance outfit, enters and answers the phone.)

JANET (Into the phone) Make it fast I'm halfway out the door.

SUZ (On the phone) Hey, Janet, it's Suzie.

JANET Suzie, out of the blue Suzie, what do you want Suz?

(ASH enters.)

ASH Who's that?

JANET My psychotic ex-girl friend who spent eight years figuring out she was straight, excuse me bi. What is it, Suz?

SUZ I called to say hi.

JANET Hey, Suz. (She hangs up.) You'll drop me?

ASH Of course.

(ASH and JANET exit SL. CRAIG kisses FREDERIC on the head and crosses to the platform where PETER sits reading the paper. PETER smiles.)

PETER Hello stranger. You forget something?

CRAIG I needed to take a walk. And I ended up here.

PETER Where were you walking?

CRAIG Someplace I shouldn't be going.

PETER I was just reading your laudatory piece on our gay mayor.

CRAIG And you're initiative for reopening the bathhouses didn't get enough signatures.

PETER No. So endeth the story. The drift towards conservatism. General acceptance but only of a very specific kind.

CRAIG It mirrors your own drift towards conservatism. You're married - essentially.

PETER I don't believe in essentials.

CRAIG A queer theorist to the end. There's no gender, no sexuality, no politics, no race - just drift from straight to gay, male to female, left to right - and the words are only social constructs?

PETER I suppose.

CRAIG We live in the world - not above it.

PETER I feel I live under it. When I read the paper it feels like a weight.

CRAIG So don't read the paper.

PETER You're saying this?

CRAIG It is a weight. It's fiction meant to get your attention. To grab it. It's not supposed to hold your attention.

PETER (Mock impressed) Wow.

CRAIG I've never denied it.

PETER What?

CRAIG That I was adrift that night you found me. And you hoisted me aboard.

PETER And you're adrift again.

CRAIG I think so.

PETER Drink?

CRAIG Drink.

(They stand and walk off SR as we hear a doorbell sound. FREDERIC stands and crosses to the center door UR. He opens it to reveal ASH.)

ASH Do you have it?

FREDERIC You little pothead. Is that all you can think about?

ASH Yes, do you have it?

FREDERIC (Holding up a bag of weed) Yeah.

(During the following they will pack a pipe and smoke it together. They will also get the giggles. HEN enters SL and undresses down to his unitard and begins warming up. JANET enters SL and sets down her beat box. HEN looks at her.)

JANET All right. Let's see what you've got.

(She presses the play button and they execute an intense modern dance in which the female dominates and eventually rejects the male, destroying him. When they're finished they lay exhausted on the stage. PETER and CRAIG have stumbled on from SR - clearly they have had their drinks.)

ASH You ever feel like an appendage to a much larger story?

FREDERIC No.

ASH I feel so undramatic. Surrounded by all these queens and their drama. Am I for gay-rights, am I against them, do I like camp theatre, do I hate it?

FREDERIC My identity's completely separate from theirs.

ASH And what is that?

FREDERIC Substitute music teacher. (They laugh like potheads.)

ASH My identity?

FREDERIC What?

ASH Temp. (They laugh like potheads.)

FREDERIC Temps to life. (This really cuts them up.)

HEN (To JANET) You hated me in college.

JANET No, I didn't. I abuse people because it's how I was taught.

HEN I liked it.

JANET So you're saying I don't need to be nice. You can take it.

HEN Yeah.

JANET Ok. I think it's really substandard. I don't say half the things I want to about your shitty dancing because I feel sorry for you.

HEN Why do you feel sorry for me?

JANET Because you're sick. I mean are you impaired by HIV?

HEN No.

JANET Then stop dancing like you're on death's door. I feel like I'm dancing with some Alzheimer's patient. 97

HEN Alzheimer's?

JANET (Working herself up) Well, you don't remember anything. And the stuff you do remember you do badly. You half ass everything. You know what I want? Do you have any idea? I don't want half-ass I want full ass. And you know why you won't give me full ass? Because you're laaaaaaaaaaame. Lame. Lame. Lame. Lame. Laaaame! You're lame.

HEN This is unbelievable.

JANET (Imitating him) "This is unbelievable."

HEN Oh... (Imitating her) "You're laaaaaaame. Lame. Lame. Lame."

JANET "My boyfriend loves me so I can be lame."

HEN "Nobody loves me so I can abuse the world."

JANET "My boyfriend's so horny and hard-up he'd fall for anything with a dick, no matter how diseased and untalented."

HEN "My girl friend's such a low energy loser she's willing to let me brow beat her into having sex with me even though she's probably not a lesbian."

JANET You know I'm not here to chat and socialize. This isn't television: (Imitating TV People) "Hey, babe!" "Hey, babe!" "How ya doin', babe?" "I'm fine, babe!"

HEN Oh, no it's dance, it's theatre: "Fuck you!" "No, fuck you!" "Fuck you!" "No fuck you!"

JANET (seeing her watch) Oh, my God, look at the time.

(JANET hoists up her bag and prepares to leave.)

JANET (Suddenly kind) It's coming. Don't worry about it. 98

HEN (Ditto) You think?

JANET Oh, yeah.

HEN You're the best, sweetie.

JANET Bye, sweetie.

(JANET exits SR.)

CRAIG (Drunkenly to PETER) So whatdya think?

PETER Whatdya mean?

CRAIG What's the solution?

PETER The solution.

CRAIG I'm drifting. You're bored and broke. My boyfriend's getting fat on weed and junk food. Your boyfriend's depressed. What's the solution?

PETER (With a smile) You know.

CRAIG I don't know.

PETER Another show.

CRAIG Oh, no…

PETER The last last hurrah.

CRAIG Please God.

PETER Or the start of a new season.

CRAIG It's like an addiction. A narcotic.

PETER (Beginning to see it all) A show about us. A show about the state of the artists.

CRAIG Portrait of the artists as a middle-aged men.

PETER Young men.

CRAIG That is such a cliché.

PETER For good reason.

CRAIG (Al Pacino) "You're trying to drag me back in."

PETER The story of Bohemia.

CRAIG It's been done.

PETER In America.

CRAIG It's been done recently. It’s called Rent.

PETER Real Bohemia. San Francisco bohemia. The story of temp jobs, outrageous rents, frustrated ambitions, theatre that accomplishes nothing-

CRAIG To theatre that accomplishes nothing!

PETER The cornucopia of life outside. It will be about marriage without licenses.

JANET (Entering) Talent without structure.

100

FREDERIC (Standing) Ambition without guidance.

ASH (Standing) Life without a retirement package.

HEN (Standing) The day to day without job security.

CRAIG A play without an ending.

PETER Come on.

CRAIG What will you use for music?

PETER I hear "Mi Chiamano Mimi." (And we hear it sung by a CHORUS - which is composed of whoever is not speaking at any given moment.) Add a disco beat. (We hear slow disco.) Faster. (The tempo of the beat picks up.) And a rap lyric. (FREDERIC accompanies on a synthesizer. He raps quietly throughout the following. We see projections of San Francisco locations on the back wall - the Mission, the Haight, etc.)

PETER (To the audience) And I really began to feel the itch again. Like I was on to something. Like I was creating something good. Not like Nude Hamlet or Lincoln the Musical, but something like real theatre - the kind that real theatres do. A show about life's complexities - not its simplicities. A show about betrayal:

MATT (Suddenly in a scene) I'm leaving.

CRAIG Why?

MATT Because I've changed.

CRAIG You haven't changed - you just want to fuck youth.

PETER (To the audience) A show about the banality of evil - a show that explained that banality:

101

HEN (To audience) I don't know how I got it but I did. And now it's a part of me. And it's going to be a part of everybody I touch.

PETER (To audience) A show about the reality of human relationships and sexuality.

SUZ Yeah, well I'm straight. Deal!

JANET You used me. You used me to build up your confidence until you found the right man.

SUZ Guess what? That's how it works, baby. Either you're a user, or you're used.

PETER (To audience) A show about the complexity of artistic collaboration:

MICHAEL This dialogue sucks.

JANET Your acting sucks.

PETER (To audience) A show about the titillating attraction of opposites:

PETER (To CRAIG) You're a fascist.

CRAIG (To PETER) You're a commie.

PETER You're a faggot.

CRAIG You're a queer. (They kiss.)

PETER (To audience) And a show ultimately about the exchange rate of love:

PETER I love you.

TOM Give me a role. 102

JANET I love you.

ASH Make me feel better about myself.

PETER I love you.

HEN Tell me I'm beautiful.

FREDERIC I love you.

CRAIG Tell me I'm young.

TOM I love you.

MICHAEL Wash the car.

PETER A show about the reasons we're actors.

JER (Entering naked and talking to audience) I'm naked. I like being naked. I'm going to be naked in every play I do from now to the end of my life. That's my school of acting.

PETER (To audience) The truth about temps.

ASH I'm high. I'm not stupid, I'm just high. What are you going to do? Fire me?

(The following are all to the audience.)

PETER The truth about theatre:

JANET It's all about abusing women.

MICHAEL It's all about abusing fags.

103

TOM It's all about small parts.

JER (Still naked) It's all about big parts.

CRAIG It's all liberal garbage.

FREDERIC It's all so cheap looking.

JANET The theatres are freezing.

MICHAEL There's never any parking.

CRAIG The acting's so obnoxious.

TOM There's too much nudity.

JER There's not enough nudity.

ASH Theatre people are strange.

PETER (Reentering holding a newspaper) And the truth about how we're all able to do it. (The music stops, the lights change and everyone looks at CRAIG) And what the hell is this?

CRAIG It's my column. Don't get hysterical.

PETER (Reading the paper) "The New Bohemians" by Craig Patterson.

CRAIG You wanted a show about the real Bohemia, I wanted to do a column about the same thing.

PETER So we're something in a petri dish. Something for you to spend some time with before you move on to the next experiment.

104

CRAIG I've always written about my experiences. This is my latest.

PETER How did you know my parents gave me a Charles Schwab account?

CRAIG You had to be living on something.

PETER (Reading the paper) "Rich Bohemia: How Young Artists, With a Little Help from their Parents, Sustain Their Poverty."

CRAIG I didn't just talk about your investments. I talked about temping. I talked about people who work in advertising...

PETER Temping described as (Reading) "a way of living off corporate gristle." Television acting described as "the new body prostitution." "They spout radical jargon at night yet nurse at the nipple of corporate America during the day." How do you think this stuff up?

CRAIG I'm a journalist. It's not supposed to affect you. It's supposed to provoke you.

PETER (Reading) "Bohemia with a condom. No threat of real poverty's infection." What did you think our response would be to this?

JANET (To PETER) It's not our response, it's your response. I don't care. It's not a paper I read.

CRAIG The final paragraph's about me. About how I make my living. And how it subsidizes my free time.

PETER So we're all hypocrites?

CRAIG I think we have to be. Otherwise we drift. That's the point of the article.

PETER (Mock impressed) Wow...

HEN (To the audience) And the truth about disease.

105

PETER (Holding up another paper) You're on a roll aren't you? "Idiot's Delight: Barebacking and the Truth About HIV as a Fatal Illness."

CRAIG Hen helped me write it. The details came from Hen.

PETER Did he know you would refer to him as an idiot?

HEN No, I didn't.

CRAIG You should have. Anyway, I didn't call him an idiot, I called his behavior idiotic.

PETER So now we're back on your moral treadmill.

HEN It doesn't matter.

PETER It does to me.

CRAIG People need to be warned. They need examples. They need to be afraid again.

JANET Are we going to rehearse?

PETER Not tonight. (He slams down the paper and exits. Everyone freezes except FREDERIC and CRAIG. They both sit on the platform's steps.)

CRAIG Matt called me yesterday.

FREDERIC Yeah?

CRAIG We had a long talk.

FREDERIC I'm not going to like this am I?

CRAIG Matt and I were together for eleven years. 106

FREDERIC He left you.

CRAIG I know that.

(FREDERIC stares at his lap - he is now MATT.)

MATT I want to come back.

CRAIG That is so not possible.

MATT It must be possible.

CRAIG I'm sorry but it's not.

MATT We were together for eleven years - you're not just going to brush me off like this. (As FREDERIC - now looking at CRAIG) You brush him off? He left you. He took off.

CRAIG Yes, yes, I know.

FREDERIC You saw him, didn't you? It wasn't just a phone call, was it?

CRAIG No. No, he came over.

MATT (Looking at his lap) I really don't know what to say.

CRAIG I can imagine.

MATT You should do the talking.

CRAIG I don't want to.

107

MATT Are you angry at me? (As FREDERIC - looking at CRAIG) This guy is incredible. He has got a fuck of a lot of nerve. And it wasn't just a visit was it?

(CRAIG touches FREDERIC as FREDERIC looks at his lap and becomes MATT. MATT lifts his head and he and CRAIG kiss.)

FREDERIC (Breaking) Unbelievable.

CRAIG I'm sorry.

FREDERIC I was just a type to you. Something similar enough that I could tide you over until he came back. Your life partner. Open monogamy. Postmodern fidelity. He'll drift off every few years and you'll mess around while he's gone, but you'll always come back to one another. Right?

CRAIG Yeah, probably.

FREDERIC And the people like me... The people on the outside of your monogamous relationship. We're just screwed. (He looks at his lap. CRAIG kisses him. He breaks from the kiss and looks at CRAIG. He rises and exits SL as FREDERIC. CRAIG sits on the platform. ASH moves to beside JANET.)

ASH Did it ever occur to you that I might be Suzie.

JANET (Laughing) You are not Suzie.

ASH Are you sure?

JANET Suzie was completely different.

ASH Maybe I'm acting.

JANET Why would you do that?

ASH Because I felt bad.

108

JANET You are so not Suzie.

ASH Are you sure?

JANET Suz left. You didn't.

ASH But if I'm Suz I never left either.

JANET You are so not Suzie.

(PETER enters from SR and speaks to HEN who has been standing SL.)

PETER (To HEN) You said you came back because I love you - do you love me?

HEN (Crossing to PETER) I don't know. All I know is that you have always made me feel like the greatest thing on earth. I think I just love myself.

PETER You have impeccable taste.

HEN And so do you.

PETER Will you let me tie myself to you? With chains?

HEN No. Never. The world can do without the statue but not the sculptor.

PETER The sculptor has only one masterpiece. Death is all he needs now.

HEN That is such dialogue.

PETER Did you think Barebacking was awful?

HEN Barebacking was one of the tackiest things I have ever seen in my life. I can't believe the man I love created it.

109

PETER The man you what?

HEN Woops.

PETER (To everyone) Clear the stage.

(PETER kisses HEN and everyone exits except PETER and CRAIG. An office chair is rolled on for PETER to sit in. A desk is rolled in front of him. CRAIG looks at PETER.)

CRAIG Go.

PETER My music director's a mess.

CRAIG Sorry.

PETER My show opens in two days and I'm without a music director.

CRAIG You're also without a star.

PETER Oh, am I?

CRAIG Sorry.

PETER No longer approve of the subject matter?

CRAIG It has nothing to do with the subject matter.

PETER Why do I get the feeling you and I will be publicly screaming at each other sometime in the future about bathhouses, about same-sex marriage, about queer bashing.

CRAIG My attitudes never changed.

110

PETER I could say a lot of really nasty things, but you know what? I'm going to save them for the next time we have some reporters around us.

CRAIG There have been two times in my life that I felt whole. You know what I mean by whole?

PETER I think I do, yes.

CRAIG One was when I met Matt. And the other was opening night. Of the Lincoln show.

PETER I've felt whole.

CRAIG The night Barebacking opened. And Hen walked through the door.

PETER Yes. But it never closed up again. The hole, if you'll excuse the disgusting metaphor, stayed open. I've kept it open.

CRAIG I only wish I could.

PETER I think you're selfish and obnoxious and traitorous and evil...

CRAIG Oh, come on.

PETER And I think you get away with it because you're nice.

CRAIG All right.

PETER All right, brother faggot.

CRAIG Smooth sailing.

PETER Smooth sailing.

111

(CRAIG exits SR.)

JANET (From the aisle) Smooth sailing?

PETER (To JANET) That's what we said.

JANET Smooth sailing?

PETER Do you think it's too naturalistic?

JANET The acting is. The dialogue's ridiculous.

PETER It's verbatim. Exactly what he said.

JANET That doesn't make it good dialogue. (CRAIG enters from SR, but he's not CRAIG) Kyle, you were terrific.

KYLE Thanks, Jane.

JANET (Correcting him) Janet. Peter, you need a secondary activity.

PETER Like what?

JANET Like, I don't know, play with your glasses, pick your nose, something.

(FREDERIC enters from SL looking glum.)

PETER (To FREDERIC) Oh, come here sweetie. Come sit on daddy's lap.

FREDERIC I'll do no such thing.

PETER Get over here, bitch. (He yanks him on to his lap.) How are you? Are you sad?

FREDERIC I'm a musician - asocial, geeky, remote - I don't get sad. 112

PETER You feel nice on my lap. How's about a little roll in the hay?

FREDERIC I have to rehearse Jer. He's going on tonight for Craig.

(JER enters from SL naked and wearing the Lincoln beard and hat.)

JER "Four score and seven years ago." Do I look like Lincoln?

JANET The beard's a little funny

PETER What do you have for the drag scene?

(JER puts on some earrings.)

JER Too much?

JANET Perfect.

PETER Kyle, this is Frederic.

KYLE Hey, Frederic.

FREDERIC Hey.

KYLE Frederic's a beautiful name.

FREDERIC Thank you. So's Kyle.

KYLE Thanks.

(During the following FREDERIC and JER move to the piano, TOM, MICHAEL and ASH to the platform, JANET and HEN to CS and CRAIG to SL where he sits staring at his laptop.)

113

PETER (To the audience) Life goes on. Every night I leave my day job and walk down to my Schwab subsidized theatre. I sit in the office and eat my Taco Bell #2 Special. (Holding up the bag.) In the room next door I can hear them rehearsing the new show - it's all about turkey basters and those fool gay men who think they're going to find happiness by impregnating a lesbian.

ASH (Annoyed with him) Hey.

(The lights have come up on ASH, facing upstage in stirrups, on the platform. MICHAEL and TOM stand near her holding hands. One of them has a small plastic cup in his hand, the other holds a turkey baster. They look nervous. They baste ASH then hold her upside down and shake her to make sure the sperm gets to where it needs to go.)

PETER There's a show tonight. And on the stage Frederic is still trying to get Jer to sing his songs correctly. I told him nobody listens to the songs but he refuses to believe me.

(JER actually sings "Misery" quite beautifully.)

PETER And Craig writes about us occasionally. Very complimentary, very condescending - aren't they funny south of Market. Funny and thank God harmless. And downstairs Hen dances with Janet. He works most days on Treasure Island and she writes grant proposals and keeps an eye on Michael's accounting. But at night they develop their new piece. And they keep it abstract. Safer that way. Safer theatre. And there's been some interest from the NEA. It's the kind of thing they love. And my thoughts drift to abstraction. The abstraction of friends, of art, of love. And the magic of me getting to sit here every night surrounded by so much of each. And fuck that we're still south of Market.

(During the following PETER rises and sits on his desk to watch HEN and JANET dance.)

CRAIG (Reading from his laptop) “There lies beneath everything a certain quality which we call grief. It's always there, just under the surface, just behind the facade, sometimes very nearly exposed, so that you can dimly see the shape of it as you can see sometimes through the surface of an ornamental pond on a still day, the dark, gross inhuman outline of a carp gliding slowly past; when you realize suddenly that the carp were always there beneath the surface, even while the water sparkled in the sunshine, and while you patronized the quaint ducks and the supercilious swans, the carp were down there unseen. It bides its time, this quality. And if you do catch a glimpse of it, you may pretend not to notice or you may turn suddenly away and romp with your children on the grass, laughing for no reason. The name of this quality is grief.” 114

(The lights fade to a special on HEN and JANET dancing and then fade to black.)

End of Play