Flying Forward While Looking Back An Autoethnography on the Journey of Recovery from Intimate Partner Violence A Dissertation Submitted to the Faculty of Drexel University by Dalesa C. Scott in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy May 2011 Running head: RECOVERY FROM IPV: AN AUTOETHNOGRAPHY ii Dedication To the guidance counselor for the Bodine high school for International Affairs graduating class of 1997, who told me that in “my situation” I was wasting my time pursuing a psychology degree, since graduate school was not an option for me. I feel motivated every time I think of that day. Running head: RECOVERY FROM IPV: AN AUTOETHNOGRAPHY iii Acknowledgements First and foremost I would like to thank my loving and supportive husband, Michael, without whom this journey would not have been possible. I appreciate the encouragement, faith, understanding, patience and pep talks on those long nights when I thought I couldn’t do it! You always knew the right times to give me sympathy, a harsh talk, a break or a reality check. Most people search their entire lives and never find a partner like you – you are and always will be my best friend and my rock. I truly believe that you were sent to save my life, and I am thankful every day that you did. To my children, Sierra, Tiana and Stacie, who sacrificed some “mommy time” to support the cause, and are a part of the reason for the cause in the first place. I love you all dearly. I hope I can be half to you of what you have been to me. To my mother, Dale, and grandfather, Joseph, who taught me the lesson early in life that I can do whatever I set my mind to do. Thanks for uplifting me and believing that I could get this far. Grandpop calling me “Doctor” from my first day of undergraduate school didn’t hurt either! You’ve both taught me that love exists in many different ways, and it’s this insight that helped me to choose this work, which I believe is my calling. Thank you for always loving me unconditionally and teaching me the importance of family. Mom, you always have my back – thank you for improving yourself to be a better parent for me, one who always made me believe the world was mine, despite the obstacles that I would face. Running head: RECOVERY FROM IPV: AN AUTOETHNOGRAPHY iv I would also like to acknowledge Brenda Lucas, my first and on-going MFT supervisor, for firing me as your supervisee so many years ago because you believed that I was wasting my potential, and for taking me back when I realized it myself. I would also like to acknowledge all of those people who constantly asked me how I was doing on my dissertation, even when I didn’t want them to, and were there in person or in spirit on the day that I defended my proposal in that very small room. This includes my very closest sister-friends (Syretta, Monet, Erika & Lauren), who give me love, laughs and “don’t you know better” talks when I need them. To Candice & Racine, my Drexel sisters, thank you for being who you are and laughing with me over the most meaningless things (It’s gonna rain on your head; Typy McType Type). The bond I’ve created with the two of you is tremendous for so many reasons. To Yajaira, Lola, Stephanie J., Bob, Alba, Karni, Monique, & Ana (all my cohort, no matter which year we started), I know that the times that we’ve shared at conferences and in the classroom (and library!) means more than just a professional relationship, but a connection that will help us take this “therapy thing” to the next level! To Stephanie B. and Argie, and all of my other “mothers and big sisters”, who helped me not only to value myself as a woman, but to recognize the true meaning and importance of sisterhood in the Black community. It is because of all of you that I have it in my heart only to uplift other women of color, as you have done for me. To Rise’, for allowing me to vent and telling me when to shut up, to the Cousins, and a myriad of others who had my back in getting this done…it takes a village to get a Ph.D.! Knowing that I would not be able to quit because you believed in me made all the difference in the world. Running head: RECOVERY FROM IPV: AN AUTOETHNOGRAPHY v Next, I would like to sincerely thank my committee. Never would I have imagined when I began this journey that such a group of professionals would teach me so much about myself, allowing me to believe in my abilities more than I ever have in my life. To Jackie Hudak, for giving me the courage to tell my story through the telling of your own, and for checking in with me as I got this extremely emotional and difficult story completed. Your going through this gave you the tools to know exactly when to check in with me, making the process not feel so lonely. Also, to John Lawless for warning me of how difficult this journey may be – I really had no idea. Thank you for agreeing to be a part of this even though you were way too busy. I appreciate you. What I learned from the two of you as a master’s student years ago has shaped the way I am able to see the world – a way that I was blind to before, that was nurtured and blossomed in my Ph.D. experience, and now am committed to change not only in myself, but in as many people as I can. To Adisa’ Ajamu’, many thanks for those Facebook check-ups – your acknowledgement of when I wasn’t working and tips on how to be productive were more than helpful. They helped me get back to work every time. My attendance on the day that I met you and experience at the Think Tank were not by chance, but a step towards the path of Ori-Ire (consciousness aligned with destiny). This is what I was meant to do in the way that it was meant to be done. You not only motivate and inspire me to do my very best (even if I do have to decode your metaphors and prose from time to time to figure it out), but put me in check from time to time letting me know that everything I need to complete this journey is already there. You know exactly how to tell me to “get my life.com” when I need it the most. Thank you, Brother A! Running head: RECOVERY FROM IPV: AN AUTOETHNOGRAPHY vi To Marlene Watson, for being such a role model and paving the way for myself and so many others, and for agreeing to be on my committee with absolutely no reservation. Your inspiration to me as an African American woman, teacher, model and mentor cannot be put into words. Our discussions through this process- about completing the journey, thinking critically, telling my story, and our interaction at the retreat- will stay with me forever; they were all transformative experiences. As much as I resisted, you were open and nurturing of me in my continuing development, and honest enough to tell me of all the obstacles that could hinder me from making it this far – including myself. The more I interact with you, through face to face conversations, word of mouth, your writings or through Candice talking about the way you push her, the more you amaze me. I hope to make you proud as I continue to follow the path that you so eloquently and gracefully laid before me. Finally, to my committee chair, my mentor, my friend, my Scorpio brother, Ken Hardy – thank you for believing in me to the point of exhaustion! Through all the red marks, long discussions, and tears (dissertation related and not), you have helped me to realize my true potential. Your guidance, caring, humility and willingness always to challenge me has been pivotal in my becoming a better therapist, supervisor, student, teacher, friend, wife, mother, and achiever of this once very distant goal. I imagined on the day I was interviewed for the program that you would be my committee chair, but I did not imagine that you were be more than a busy professor who was widely known and admired. My connection with you, personally and professionally, has taught me so much, and has helped me to be in a place where I am constantly working towards growth and understanding myself in order to be a healer of others. I don’t think that I would Running head: RECOVERY FROM IPV: AN AUTOETHNOGRAPHY vii have pursued so many of the things that I did without your encouragement. I wouldn’t have connected with Marlene the way that I did, I wouldn’t have met Adisa, I wouldn’t have learned to stand up for myself in a way that I can be confident and humble at the same time (although I haven’t mastered it like you have…wink). I always felt comfort in you constantly telling me (and showing me) that you have my back. I appreciate that you acknowledged where I needed improvement and where you could see that I was growing – even when I didn’t know you were looking.