Virginia Law Weekly 2017, 2018, & 2019 ABA Law Student Division Best Newspaper Award-Winner A Look Reflections from UVA Law’s Fourth Annual iTrek ...... 2 What’s Your Spirit Dinosaur?...... 2 Inside: Softball Season Recap...... 5

Wednesday, 22 January 2020 The Newspaper of the University of Virginia School of Law Since 1948 Volume 72, Number 13 The 2010s: around north grounds A Decade Law School Thumbs down to the library for in Review making ANG ask Will Palmer ‘21 for cups every time Decade Reviewer At-Large ANG forgets a mug. First Celebrates ANG has to walk all the way The 2010’s: A Decade down to the reference desk, in Review and now this? Does the li- The ash has finally settled brary’s cupshaming know no on the remains of the ab- bounds? solute dumpster fire that MLK Day was the last decade, and I Thumbs up to thought it might be an op- Dean Dugas’ email portune time to lead a brief regarding the can- expedition down memory cellation of classes lane. on MLK Day. ANG was plan- I should note that I delib- ning on skipping classes erately avoided certain top- anyway, but ANG is proud ics in this article, either be- of Dean Dugas for including cause I didn’t want to make a relevant date in one of his fun of them (large tragedies, emails and hopes he’ll keep important social move- up the good work. ments, major natural disas- ters), because you already Thumbs down to know so much about it that two-credit classes it would be boring (Ameri- with three-hour can politics in general, the finals. ANG has mindless consumerism that barely done two credits worth is slowly but surely destroy- of learning, which in no way ing our world), or because equates to being able to talk I came up with some really, about a subject for more than really great jokes but deleted LPS Scholars rake leaves in the memory of MLK. Photo credit Kathryn Querner ’22. thirty minutes. them because I don’t want to get run out of town on a rail Kathryn Querner ‘22 years ago, white suprema- nized the MLK Day of Ser- Thumbs up to (use your imagination). Staff Editor cists converged in Charlot- vice, including LPS co-pres- Professors who tesville to riot in violent ident Samantha Thoma ’20, have procrastinat- 2010: On Monday, January 20, promotion of their far-right who shared, “During my first ed grading ANG’s -Snowmageddon strikes for the first time in its histo- agenda. And on January 15 two years here, I had been finals by spending the United States, covering ry, the University of Virginia of this year, Virginia Gover- confused and frustrated that time with their loved ones much of the country in snow School of Law joined most nor Ralph Northam declared the Law School didn’t recog- over break. and massive doses of nuclear academic, professional, and a state of emergency, tem- nize MLK Day by giving the radiation. The author of this governmental institutions in porarily banning weapons Law School community the Thumbs side- article learns a valuable life observing the Martin Luther on the grounds of the State day off from classes. More ways to J-terms. lesson about taking short- King, Jr. holiday. The soci- Capitol of Richmond in an- than wanting an additional On one hand, ANG cuts when he attempts to etal ideals for which MLK ticipation of a pro-gun rally day of winter break, I felt appreciates the op- clear a foot of snow off the stood—equality, justice, and with a credible threat of pro- that the first day of the se- portunity to gain a law school driveway with two gallons human rights advocacy—are tests and rioting by extrem- mester coinciding with MLK credit by talking about ANG’s of gasoline and a barbeque constantly challenged, so ists and hate groups. Day greatly distracted from feelings for three hours in the lighter. taking a holiday on this day As a Law School producing what we as a community morning for a week. On the -The world watches with interrupts our routine to re- leaders and change-makers, should have been celebrat- other hand, this is far too sim- bated breath after a group of mind us of these ideals and we must acknowledge that ing and reflecting on and in- ilar to ANG’s court-ordered Chilean miners are trapped gives us a chance to recog- racism is still very much a stead focused on catching up therapy. underground following a nize the sacrifices that have reality in our own immediate with classmates… Through mine collapse; the tempo- been made in the pursuit of community and that it con- this service opportunity, we Thumbs up to rarily-entombed men are achieving them. tinues to pervade American hoped to provide our fellows the Kaylen Ward, rescued after 69 days (nice). Recognizing this holiday society. By recognizing and with the opportunity to cele- the adult entertain- The miners’ story is later also demonstrates the Law celebrating MLK, we have brate MLK Day as a day ‘on,’ er, who exchanged turned into a moderately School’s commitment to up- an opportunity to honor his not a day ‘off.’” tasteful photos for donations successful action film,Caved holding MLK’s legacy and accomplishments by reflect- This year, for its very first to the Australian bushfire In, starring Mark Wahlberg the equality for which he ing on his life’s work. More MLK Day of Service, LPS stu- relief fund. While she may as Russell Wheeler—a he- stood. importantly, we have the op- dents volunteered their ef- have created a firestorm on roic, completely fictional When asked for her portunity to consider how forts at Camp Holiday Trails. Twitter, she koali-fied as an American who saves the thoughts on the school’s rec- we might work to further Camp Holiday Trails is a honorary Australian for her miners all by himself. ognition of the MLK holiday, promote MLK’s mission and year-round non-profit camp efforts. -Eyjafjallajökull (an Ice- Dean Goluboff commented, ideals. What positive chang- for children with various landic volcano) erupts, “I am so pleased that the es might we, as students and medical needs. Volunteers Congratulations to spreading a massive ash Law School is able to close future lawyers, bring about contribute to the program Donald Trump for cloud into the skies and de- in observance of the Mar- to achieve racial equality and help to make its work being impeached! laying flights.1 tin Luther King, Jr. holiday. and abolish the hatred that possible by raking leaves, ANG was also im- -The nation of Sweden While we have, for many has recently reappeared at clearing trails, and painting peached for abuse of power produces its very first con- years, commemorated Dr. the forefront of American fences, among other things. when ANG was SBA presi- tribution to world culture King’s legacy with events political culture? Most children attending dent and embezzled money with the release of the car- and lectures held at the Law In honor of MLK, various the summer camp are able to build a giant ice luge. toon children’s game “An- School, this is the first time organizations at UVA have to attend because they re- gry Birds.” PETA vows ret- students, staff, and faculty organized events to promote ceive some sort of financial Thumbs up to ribution on behalf of the will have the opportunity equality and community ad- aid, and 81 percent of these Dominos® Pizza! to spend the day reflecting vocacy. One such organiza- children are from the state If you want to en- 1 Editor’s note: We edited on the questions of freedom tion is the Program for Law of Virginia. At 8:30 a.m., joy the savory taste out the author’s joke in this and equality that marked Dr. and Public Service (LPS), about twenty-five LPS fel- of Dominos® once a week event. Trust us, it was the King’s life.” which organized an event on lows gathered in the Dean’s like ANG does, come to the right call. UVA Law is located in a MLK Day to give back to the parking lot for Bodo’s bagels Law Weekly meeting! RECAP page 4 city plagued by a history of Charlottesville community. MLK page 3 divisive racism; just three A few LPS fellows orga- 2 Columns VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Wednesday, 22 January 2020 iTrek 2020: Law Students Explore Israel in UVA’s Fourth Organized Trip In early January, shortly af- “One of the goals that I had year was getting to know oth- tunity to hear from many in- For example, the length of ter the new year, a group of fif- as a leader was to present nu- er students in the Law School credible speakers. Students the main exhibit was eighty ty law students embarked on merous viewpoints and nar- outside of the law school en- were able to learn from a meters, the same length as ratives of the Israeli-Palestin- vironment.” diverse array of interesting the concentration camp, with Grace Tang ‘21 ian conflict and to really show Students were able to make guests including a Supreme floors built of the same mate- Lifestyle Editor how complicated the history new friends on the trip and Court judge (Justice Asher rial. and political climate is in Is- get to know each other on a Grunis LLM ’72), grass-roots In the old city of Jerusalem, an adventure to rael and the greater Middle deeper level as they explored organizers, a journalist, re- city of Bethlehem, and Caper- Israel through East region. I think some- new destinations and issues. searcher, and military ana- naum, students explored the iTrek. Forty- times in the news, things can Quinn Conrad ’22 reflected lyst, among others. One of diversity of religious sites and seven UVA Law appear black and white—so on the trip, telling the Law the speakers included Yoni history, led by tour guides students from all years were hearing from people on the Weekly, “During the iTrek Shiman, a graduate of UVA from Israel and Palestine. accompanied by three Israeli ground about their experi- experience, I asked a lot of Law. “Meeting with Yoni this The group was able to visit law students as they traveled ences is really helpful. Also, questions, listened more than year was such a treat! He the West Wall (most religious through the country over the one of our goals was to cre- I spoke, and systematically helped establish the UVA Law site of the Jewish people), course of a week. In addition ate an open and comfortable denied my phone the right iTrek trip, and it was incred- Church of the Holy Sepulchre to sightseeing and learning space for people to ask ques- to eat first. It was an amaz- ible to hear him speak about (location for the burial and about local history and reli- tions and learn more about ing learning experience with his practice in Israel and how crucifixion of Jesus), and the gion, the experience allowed the region,” said iTrek leader amazing people. 10/10 would his time in Charlottesville im- Dome of the Rock (Islamic participants to explore inter- Maxine Jacobson ’21. “I think recommend!” pacts his life now,” said Lena Shrine). In Bethlehem, stu- esting legal questions, com- what I enjoyed most about A unique experience of Welch ’20. dents enjoyed a guided trip plex politics, and the vibrant the trip both as a participant traveling in a trip organized This year, students at iTrek to the Church of Nativity culture that exists in Israel. last year and a leader this by law students is the oppor- 2020 were fortunate to hear through Manger Square, the from Rita Quinn, a Holocaust birthplace of Jesus Christ. To survivor, at her home in Jeru- reach Bethlehem, located in salem. “It was really amazing the West Bank, students had to hear Rita speak, especially to cross the separation barri- when she told us that she has er, where they learned about four kids, twenty-two grand- the occupation in the West kids and thirty great grand- Bank from a local Palestin- kids” Esther Kozakevich ’22 ian guide. In Capernaum, the shared. “It really puts into group learned about how Je- perspective the magnitude sus settled in Capernaum and of how devastating the Ho- attended the Synagogue here. locaust was. It wasn’t just Between cities, students 6 million people who died, had a chance to relax in the but also the potential Jewish Dead Sea for a morning swim. posterity that was lost.” After Groups of students braved the talk from Rita Quinn, the the chill to deck themselves iTrek students toured the Yad out with mineral mud and Vashem Holocaust Muse- float in the lowest accessible um, a thoughtfully designed point on land, 400 feet be-

UVA Law students pose happily during iTrek outing. Photo credit Grace Tang ’21. structure with purpose in ev- ery detail of the architecture. iTREK page 7 What Type of Dinosaur Are You? The Results Will Shock You! As one of the resident ani- me here). Gunners come across These moochers come across ing the softball on occasion, but of crisis (or for free snacks and mal experts on the Law Weekly as aggressive, peacocking their as aloof, the cool kids, and are purposefully hitting the ball at mentorship). In every movie, it’s staff,1 it is my duty to pass along position and immense knowl- always around when you don’t the nice lad in right field who’s a very unwise move to mess with edge of random hypotheticals to want them there. Come exam just there to enjoy a break from a brontosaurus, as they can de- Phil Tonseth ‘22 intimidate others. Have you ever time, these kids are asking for the library is not a cool move. stroy you both with their thun- Staff Editor seen a triceratops? Those horns old outlines from every club UVA Law doesn’t have a Chris der thighs, their ridiculously are all for show, hoping to scare they can find, not to supplement Pratt (to my knowledge) to tame long and strong tail, and giraffe all of my Animal away anyone who could chal- their own, but to simply save on all of the overzealous softballers, inspiring neck. I haven’t inter- Planet knowl- lenge them because deep down their computer and bum as their so check yourself, washed up acted with any PA or Student edge to my fel- they’re pretty wimpy. It’s pretty own. Nobody likes these kids, high school athletes. Affairs staff that wouldn’t fight low students blatant when a gunner is in your just like T-rexs. They rode Ju- Soaring overhead, inspiring for 1Ls with the same vigor. who are too skimpy to splurge class, just as it would be obvious rassic Park’s success to become both a sense of protection and Sadly, there’s a lot of dino- on cable. However, this article to see a triceratops in the wild a feared dinosaur, but what real fear, is the benevolent pterodac- saur deniers out there. In the will be a throwback, looking at (secret: they’re massive). How- work did they do in the mov- tyl (I will fight to my death that same light, a lot of my peers my favorite animals: dinosaurs. ever, there’s no bark to the bite ies? They only either ate goats the “p” is not silent, it sounds don’t believe 3Ls exist. It’s very Pontificating about the pros and of a gunner. Grades are all made that were tied down for them cooler when pronounced). UVA rare to say you’ve seen a dino- cons of various dinosaurs won’t up and stumping teachers with (RIP in peace to the goat), ate Law’s pterodactyl is Dean Gol- saur in person, nor a 3L, espe- keep your attention, as I cannot ridiculous fact patterns doesn’t the poachers dumb enough to uboff. I’ve only heard amazing cially after Thanksgiving break. compete with the brilliance of translate into anything in the challenge them, or scared off the things about her, but if there’s 3Ls are thus synonymous with The Good Dinosaur, The Land real world. Triceratops look velociraptors that did the actual anyone who can both ruin and/ fossils, as there’s proof dino- Before Time series, and all of scary, but they’re herbivores, work and ate their food. Total or quick start our careers, it’s saurs exist, but it’s very rare to the Jurassic Parks, but telling a meaning the only thing afraid moocher, nobody likes either. her. Similarly, pterodactyls soar actually see one in the wild. “gunner” that they resemble a of a triceratops is the grass on Everyone should know from above, where they can Some kids are often seen triceratops more than a T-Rex the ground.2 Likewise, the plant what a velociraptor is before easily swoop in to protect their too much, especially in their may bruise an already mas- materials used for gunners to they watch a dinosaur-inspired young or utterly demolish any- pursuit of a significant other. sive ego and hopefully keep you write their finals on are more movie. If not, they quickly intro- thing in its path. The omnipo- As a law degree leaves us with reading. Props if you can iden- afraid of the professor’s copi- duce themselves with exuberant tence of both pterodactyls and crippling debt, what better way tify which dinosaur I see myself ous amounts of pending red ink arrogance and skill, even though Dean Goluboff leave me vener- to leverage your future than at- as. than the gunner’s “wisdom”. they’re pretty small in stature. ating their existence, while also tempting to marry a med school Tyrannosaurus Rexes (T- The true T-rexs of the Law Same goes for the overzealous hoping I never run into them in or Darden student and assume rex) were seen as the kings of School are the moochers that softball players around UVA an empty classroom. doubly crippling loans? Always the dinosaur world, which easily take the “collegiality” of UVA Law. For both of these char- Steady, consistent, reliable, attempting to be flashy while analogizes to gunners and their to its full extent. You know the acters, everything, and I truly and larger than life describe both traveling in packs, these love position within the Law School, ones I’m talking about. They mean everything, is a compe- brontosauruses and our Student seeking students are stereotypi- right? Take a seat, millennials, live in the snack office while tition. Trying to hit the ball to Affairs staff and peer advisors. cal Stegosauruses. They don’t and let me boomer you for a sec- drinking a gallon of the free Darden, equivalent to attempt- Both of these are always look- have a lot to offer, they’re flash- ond. Gunners are the try-hards MyLab coffee a day and hover- ing to eat all of the kids in the Ju- ing out for the little people, even ier than they are useful (have of the Law School, so from a ing by the free food table after rassic Park movies, is just over- though brontosauruses only do you seen how cool their spikes naming standpoint, they easily every club lunch for leftovers. kill. Establishing dominance in this because they are legitimate- are?!), but are willing to stand match try-ceratops (yes, I know slow pitch softball does just as ly massive. In caring for the little and graze hoping that some- it’s triceratops, but work with 2 No shade towards veg- much for your social standing as people, these two groups be- thing comes by that wants their etarians, I put parsley on my preying on weaker dinosaurs— come “ole reliable” around UVA attention. While both are rarely 1 Refer to Vol. 72, No. 11, meat lover’s pizza to hit my absolutely nothing. I’ll be the Law, whereby 1Ls know they “Squirrels Run the World.” weekly vegetable quota! first to admit that I enjoy do- have a safe home to go to in case DINOSAURS page 6 Wednesday, 22 January 2020 VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Features 3 leaves, and carrying piles to said, “We hope this event January 21 and a conference the fairness and justice of MLK drop off in the nearby woods. serves as a reminder that that UVA Law will co-host many of our past and present continued from page 1 1L student and LPS Fellow while we are only here for a on January 30-31 geared to- policies.” I am proud to be Emily Hockett assisted with few short years, we can, and ward healing hate and iden- a part of a community that and coffee, then carpooled to the raking, and commented should, begin our legal ca- tifying racial injustices with- is actively striving to make Camp Holiday Trails, locat- on the difficult nature of the reers in service to others… in the public health sector. progress toward ending ra- ed in Charlottesville, about work, “It was great to bond It can be all too easy as a The Law School’s decision cial injustices and inequali- a ten-minute drive from the with my other LPS Fellows. member of the Law School to recognize MLK Day marks ties. But above all, I hope Law School. As a Californian, I didn’t community to forget that an important symbolic step that the school’s recognition Once at the campgrounds, know much about leaves an entire city exists outside in working toward racial of MLK Day reminds us of all the students split into two or raking them, so that was of North Grounds. Volun- equality, but rather than sit- the work that is to be done groups; one group was quite enlightening—there teering in the community ting back, patting ourselves and encourages us to reflect tasked with cleaning the rec- were a lot of leaves and rak- reminds us that those com- on the backs, and viewing on how we might take action reational hall and the other ing is hard.” munities exist and there are this step as a final accom- to promote racial equality worked outside raking leaves By the time both groups lots of ways to get involved.” plishment, let’s consider both within our Law School to prepare the grounds for finished around noon, the The Law School has also what other positive changes and within the greater global summer campers. Although hall had been thoroughly honored MLK’s legacy that we as students and fu- community. the temperature hovered cleaned and the grounds through various events, in- ture lawyers can make. around a chilly 30 degrees were leaf-free. cluding a discussion of racial As MLK said in a speech --- Fahrenheit, the students When asked what she biases by Stanford Univer- he delivered in 1967, “A true [email protected] working outdoors stayed hoped that students would sity social psychologist Jen- revolution of values will warm by raking and blowing learn from this event, Thoma nifer Eberhardt on Tuesday, soon cause us to question

Peter Kaplan ’22 and Molly Cain ’20 brave the brisk January temperatures. Photo credit Kathryn Querner Leaves successfully raked. Photo credit Kathryn Querner ’22. ’22. Drew Asks: Who Do I Have to Pay Happy Lunar Off to Get My Grades by January 1? Imagine being Richard of solutions, and so I beg of the grade release times? Do New Year! Parker from Regina v. Dudley; you, whoever is reading this, they have to go through some you go on the English Yacht who the hell do I have to pay stupid process to change the Lunar New Year, as the end of this article for a refer- off to get my grades by Janu- academic policies of this? name suggests, celebrates the ence chart.) Drew Calamaro ‘21 ary 1 next year? Please, for the Does it require me dancing coming of a new year accord- But enough about when the Satire Editor love of all that is holy, please and paying them to consider Christina Luk ‘21 New Year is, let’s talk about tell me—I will pay that person. going through that process Executive Editor celebrations. The way I cel- the Mignon- Is it the professors? Are first? Who the hell do I dance ebrate Chinese New Year is ette, ironically they the ones I should be pay- for—please tell me. ing to a lunar to eat everything my grand- thinking there ing off? Should I come up to What about a bonus sys- calendar. One mother makes. It is a really would be plenty the base of whatever ivory tem? I will literally pay 200 hallmark of this good deal for me. At home, of filet mignon to eat due to its tower they hole themselves up bucks extra per class that type of holiday we’ll have dumplings, noo- name. The year is 1884, and in over the winter, and throw would go toward a profes- is that it falls on dles, whole steamed fish, and you have so much life ahead myself against the door until sor’s end of year bonus, which a different day of the Grego- an assortment of round food- of you. However, you soon they come down and take what would only be triggered by rian calendar each year. stuffs, like sticky rice cakes, find yourself on a lifeboat with little money I have? Do I slip getting all of the grades in by Although Lunar New Year because the word for “round” some dudes named Dudley them a nice crispy Benjamin January 1. I am willing to lit- is sometimes synonymously in Chinese is also the word and Stephens. Because you’re at the beginning of the semes- erally throw even more money referred to as Chinese New for “together”—and that’s the weakest link, they end up ter and say, “hey, me and Ben at this school to get this done. Year, there are a number of what the holiday is about: be- killing you with a penknife to want you to know that you’re They did that to get on the other cultures that celebrate ing together with family. One the jugular and eating all of great, and that it’d be even moon—why can’t we do that this holiday, including Ko- could say that it is only by your flesh. I would rather be greater if you got my grade here? Name your price—what rean, Mongolian, Tibetan, becoming truly rotund that Richard Parker in 1884 than back within a reasonable will get you out of bed and and Vietnamese cultures. I am celebrating the spirit of continue to wait for 4+ weeks time—say, 2 weeks?” Should I onto your computer to grade This year, Chinese, Korean, this great holiday. every semester for my grades. do a little dance first, all while finals? What gets the blood and Vietnamese New Year After I’ve eaten myself into I would rather someone stick a waving a wad of cash under flowing for you? What kind fall on January 25, 2020, a state of plump “together- pen knife into my jugular and their turned-up noses, and of money we talking—$1000, while Tibetan and Mongo- ness,” it’s time to extend well bleed out than have this hap- then pay them for watching? $2000, $3000? How much lian New Year will be Febru- wishes of health and good pen again. That is how much I will do that—I will absolutely extra do you want me to pay ary 24, 2020. For all of these fortune to my elders. In my waiting for grades stinks. do that thing. Tell me which you to do your job, like, 2 ½ cultures though, 2020 marks family, the youngest genera- It is Saturday, January 18, professor is willing to take that weeks faster? We’re all kind the Year of the Rat! tion takes turns going around and waiting for grades at this cash and I will do it. of lawyers for the most part— What’s the Year of the Rat? the dinner table to wish each point still is nothing short of Is it the IT guys? Do I go let’s sit down and talk turkey. It’s one year in a repeating relative a happy new year, pathetic. In the words of the to IT and say “hey, just release Or test grades. Whichever is twelve-year cycle that or- starting with the oldest rela- great Jackie Chiles, it is “out- my grades as soon as they’re more interesting to you. ganizes the Chinese calen- tive. After each wish, the old- rageous, egregious, and pre- submitted, here’s a nice crispy They call it a deadline be- dar among others. The cycle er relative rewards the well- posterous.” For anything to Benjamin?” Or should I do cause after the line you might starts with the Rat, who, leg- wisher with a red envelope take more than four weeks, a little dance for them first, as well be dead. At least that’s end has it, won the cosmic filled with New Year’s money. let alone grades, is honestly and pay them to watch? I will what the ancient Greek says.1 race to be first, and continues This exchange of good for- incredible. However, because dance for them, too, if that’s Last time I checked, the only with Ox, Tiger, Rabbit, Drag- tune enriches the giver and Professors Are People Too™, what it takes. They won’t like people who can blow through on, Snake, Horse, Sheep, receiver for the year to come. I will not drag them through it, but I will. Monkey, Rooster, Dog, and At this time of year, I have the mud, especially since they Or what about the admin- 1 Don’t look this up, just trust Pig. Each animal is associ- the tendency to get homesick. are part of a system that al- istration? Do I have to help me. ated with a set of personal- I worry there won’t be enough lows them to wait this long to them form a committee to look ity traits. (If you don’t know NEW YEAR page 6 grade finals. No—I am a man at whether they can shorten GRADES page 6 your zodiac animal, see the 4 Colophon VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Wednesday, 22 January 2020 viewed by millions worldwide, about. playing with sexual predators number of midwestern towns RECAP following months of adoring -South Korean musician Psy by saying that dogs can go to reduced to rubble during the continued from page 1 coverage by the British press. releases his hit song “Gang- heaven. debate over “The Dress,” and The couple’s vows are briefly nam Style,” which soars to whether it is black and blue innocent pigs portrayed as interrupted when the Queen popularity because it has a 2014: or white and gold. The tale of villains in the game, but gets takes too big a hit off of her dance that white people can -Russia hosts the Winter The Dress is later made into a distracted on the way to Swe- vape pen and has a coughing do without looking like idiots. Olympics in Sochi and eas- moderately successful thriller den by a delightful cash-only fit. ily takes home the gold in film, American Colors, star- microbrewery that just opened 2013: the “annexing Crimea” event, ring Mark Wahlberg. in the neighborhood that you 2012: -Edward Snowden leaks de- primarily because there isn’t -Katy Perry’s performance at absolutely have to try out. -Everyone thinks the world tails of the NSA’s electronic much competition from other the Super Bowl XLIX halftime is going to end because, if communications monitoring nations. show is overshadowed by the 2011: someone is a good liar, they program, codenamed PRISM. -Bono takes a break from panicked flailings of a backup -Pulitzer Prize-winning es- can convincingly state that The NSA’s actions are shock- forging legendary sunglasses dancer dressed as a shark, sayist and speaker Charlie the Mayan calendar predicts ing to millions of Americans out of rare earth metals to affectionately dubbed “Left Sheen ushers in a new phase an apocalypse in 2012, upon with poor critical thinking ambush us all with a new U2 Shark” by adoring fans. Trag- in American performance art the completion of the 13th skills, and the revelations in- album, Songs of Innocence, edy quickly strikes in the form with his slam poem “Tiger b’ak’tun (don’t ask). In an in- spire important changes in which pops up in everyone’s of a Japanese fishing vessel, Blood,” inspired by his forma- teresting twist, the world actu- United States policy, such as iTunes account one morning the Kobayashi-Maru, whose tive personal experiences with ally did end, and we are now an increased interest in pros- like a surprise request for child crew harpoons Left Shark on intravenous drugs, adult film living in an alternate reality ecuting Edward Snowden. support showing up in your live network television and re- stars, and exotic cats. within the mind of Quetzal- -Rob Ford, the mayor of To- mailbox. moves its fins for use as soup -Occupy Wall Street, the coatl, the Feathered Serpent.2 ronto, joins the elite “Marion -The 2014 World Cup occurs ingredients. largest mass-loitering cam- - Mark Zuckerberg contin- Barry Club” after being caught in Brazil. In the final, Brazil -The world of sports is paign since Manifest Desti- ues his quest to learn how to having a good time on camera. suffers its biggest loss to Ger- rocked by two major scandals. ny, begins in New York City. be a real boy when Facebook -The award-winning docu- many since U-507 sank the New England Patriots quarter- Bankers take a moment to be buys Instagram for $1 billion. mentary Frozen opens to gen- Baependy (look it up). back Tom Brady is accused of briefly amused, before return- -Joseph Kony’s upstart 2012 eral acclaim. A song from the breaking into the Democratic ing to stealing your Grandma’s presidential campaign unifies soundtrack, “Let it Go,” (Migos 2015: National Committee’s head- 401k and spending it on high- grassroots activists across the feat. Fat Joe & Pitbull) tops the -Representatives of 196 quarters in a firestorm of con- grade cocaine. Twitter spectrum. charts and remains popular in countries gather for a series of troversy dubbed “Deflategate” -An earthquake strikes Vir- -The number of unsolic- underground music circles to high-stakes negotiations that by the press. Across the pond, ginia, disturbing residents and ited adult photos received by this day due to its gritty lyrics culminates in the signing of a number of international soc- opening Hell-portals across women worldwide increases regarding the cyclical nature the Paris Climate Accord, with cer officials are caught up in the state. The Vatican dispens- exponentially with the launch of youth violence. the goal of making the surface the investigation of the much es a crack team of exorcists to of Tinder, a social networking -Pope Benedict XVI be- of the Earth uninhabitable for less-excitingly-named “2015 Richmond in hopes of quell- app for discerning profession- comes the first Pope to retire all but the most microscopic of FIFA Corruption Case.” Sepp ing the tide of demons sweep- als seeking to form nuanced, since the year 1415 following life forms by the year 2050. Blatter, President of FIFA and ing the land; they are, unfor- meaningful connections with increasing public outrage re- -Leonard Washington, of real-life caricature of a Roger tunately, killed in a botched people whose personalities garding his handling of the Eden Prairie, Minnesota, un- Moore Bond villain, is severely 7-Eleven robbery almost im- and interests they truly care 2011 demonic invasion of Vir- intentionally becomes the first punished by being banned mediately after arriving. ginia. He is replaced by Pope person to view Nicolas Cage’s from all soccer-related corrup- -Prince William (“the boring 2 Yes, I know Quetzalcoatl Francis, who momentarily dis- entire filmography in one sit- tion until 2022. one”) weds Kate Middleton is an Aztec deity. Just go with tracts everyone from the game ting after confusing his grand- in an extravagant ceremony it. Have some fun in your life. of musical chairs the Church is son’s ADHD medication for 2016: his daily vitamin supplements. -Harambe, a western low- When asked which of Cage’s land gorilla housed at the films is best, a visibly agitated Cincinnati Zoo, is slain by Washington replies, “all of professional hitmen in an as- them,” before running through sassination plot mastermind- a plate-glass window and dis- ed by the Mafia—presumably appearing into the night.3 as a result of his lengthy and -Families are shattered, controversial involvement friendships demolished, and a with the Teamsters.

3 For the record, the correct RECAP page 7 answer is Raising Arizona. Faculty Quotes

T. Nachbar: “Do you M. Collins: “You have a think TV’s are less addictive handout, but you can’t flip than cigarettes? My house- it over. It’s not a quiz, I just hold says otherwise.” need it for dramatic effect later.” F. Schauer: “You’re not really famous if you’ve made J. Setear: “They say that the Law Weekly.” academics work in an ivory Left Shark danced its way into the annals of 2010’s history with its rousing halftime performance, only to be upstaged at the end of the decade by a Baby Shark. tower...I keep looking for the Photo courtesy people.com. J. Johnston: “Partying? ivory, never found it. Maybe No, no, no. You should all it’s an international trade have TUNNEL VISION!” violation.”

Virginia Law Weekly M. Schwartzman: “I R. Mason: “The govern- wrote this before the meme ment has decided that an COLOPHON came out.” MBA doesn’t qualify you to M. Eleanor Schmalzl ’20 do anything.” Editor-in-Chief Christina Luk ‘21 Executive Editor David Ranzini ‘20 Michael Schmid ‘21 Taylor Elicegui ‘20 Managing Editor Production Editor Features Editor

Samuel Pickett ‘21 Anand Jani ‘20 Grace Tang ‘21 News Editor Special Projects Editor Lifestyle Editor Raphael Cho ’21 Kolleen Gladden ‘21 Cartoonist-in-Chief Douglas Graebner ‘21 Photographer Lena Welch ‘20 Format Editor New Media Editor Jacob Jones ‘21 Tyler D’Ambrose ‘21 Events Editor Drew Calamaro ‘21 Columns Editor Satire Editor

Published weekly on Wednesday except during holiday and examination periods and serving the Law School community at the University of Virginia, the Virginia Law Weekly (ISSN 0042-661X) is not an official publication of the University and does not necessarily express the views of the University. Any article appearing herein may be reproduced provided that credit is given to both the Virginia Law Weekly and the author of the article. Advanced written permission of the Virginia Law Weekly is also required for reproduction of any cartoon or illustration.

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EDITORIAL POLICY: The Virginia Law Weekly publishes letters and columns of interest to the Law School and the legal community at large. Views expressed in such submissions are those of the author(s) and not necessarily those of the Law Weekly or the Editorial Board. Letters from organizations must bear the name, signature, and title of the person authorizing the submission. All letters and columns must either be submitted in hardcopy bearing a handwritten signature along with an electronic version, or be mailed from the author’s e-mail account. Sub- missions must be received by 12 p.m. Sunday before publication and must be in accordance with the submission guidelines. Letters and/or columns over 1200 words may not be accepted. The Editorial Board reserves the right to edit all submissions for length, grammar, and clarity. Although every effort is made to publish all materials meeting our guidelines, we regret that not all submissions received can be published. Wednesday, 22 January 2020 VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Hot Bench 5 Law Weekly Recaps Fall Softball Season

It took a lot of scheduling via all on the field in this heated Three of Law Weekly’s bats started heating up—they Even though MEAT came GroupMe polls, but believe it or contest. I’m impressed that finest (Nate Wunderli ’22, scored back ten runs (from 19 to play, Sneaky’s defense was not, we actually did complete they held Sermon to only seven Tonseth, and I) took a hard to 29 – 25). The Melonheads making all of the right plays. runs, the same team that put loss in this battle. Us Melon- pushed in the bottom of the 7th, There was only so much each Will McDermott ‘22 up twenty-two in the cham- heads fought a tight contest, scored three but left two men team could do to stop runs, but Staff Editor pionship. Congrats to Section playing with only seven men. on base, and came up short one this matchup came down to the the fall softball G on a terrific season—a solid Melonheads came out strong run. Darden boys ending each in- playoffs this showing for the 1L class. and held the lead for most of ning while MEAT had runners year. Without the game. In the top of the 7th Open Semi-Finalists: MEAT on base. Those runs would have further ado, your Co-Rec Semi-Finalists: Lon- inning, we were preparing for Lost to Sneaky Business 20 champions: estar Lawyers our walk-off, and the Batmen’s – 15. SOFTBALL page 7 Lost to The PArents, 22 – 5. Co-Rec Champion –The PAr- The Lawyers tried to fight ents off a strong PA team, but their Defeated Sermon on the efforts were to little avail. The Mound, 32 – 22. PAs started with a strong lead We expected a high-scor- and maintained it throughout ing game out of these two the game, pulling further ahead teams, and they delivered. Fif- each inning. Congrats on mak- ty-four runs, wow. That means ing it to the semis, Lonestar the teams collectively ran about Lawyers; your prize is not hav- two and a half miles just lap- ing to pay state income tax. ping the bases. Hey, Sermon, on the bright side, at least you Open Champion – Batmen got some cardio during finals Defeated Sneaky Business, (and saw the sun). The PArents 27 – 21. ultimately came out on top. Sneaky Business is com- We won’t mention the ex-D1 prised entirely of Darden guys; baseball player 1L who played thankfully, they didn’t win. but may or may not have actu- Even with a strong defensive ally been on their roster *cough presence, these two power- cough* Phil Tonseth ’22. In any house teams put up a com- event, kudos to the PAs; way to bined forty-eight runs. The take down the #2 seed. Batmen made several clutch plays that cut off the Darden Co-Rec Semi-Finalists: 1L boys’ momentum at critical Section G times, which probably made Lost to Sermon on the the difference in this intense Mound, 7 – 5. matchup. Congratulations to The 1L underdogs wanted the Batmen—they were a tal- to find their way to the cham- ented team this season. pionship, but the seasoned Sermon team was too big of a Open Semi-Finalists: Hu- match. The teams exchanged mongous Melonheads The proud PArents: Will Tucker ’20, Jessica Joyce ’20, Kevin Schunk ’21, Samwise Pickett ’21, Arjun Ogale ’21, Will Hinton ’21, Read Mills ’20, Molly Cain ’20, tense words, and they left it Lost to Batmen 29– 28. Katharine Janes ’21, Kat Goebel ’21, Phil Tonseth ’22. Photo Credit Molly Cain ’20.

ries. I really enjoy revisiting our Oxford-English Dictionary when I really enjoy traveling, but I can Like just about all of us, I would favorite spots, like Four Seas Ice he let me know that the both of only speak English, which defi- love to be able to help people who HOT Cream in Centerville! us got into the University of Ox- nitely limits my ability to really cannot afford to gain access, or ford Visiting Student Program. I engage with the people and cul- traditionally have been denied ac- BENCH What’s something you didn’t know yet, but that’s how I tures of whatever non-English cess, to legal services. Also, grow- wish you’d known about found out. speaking places I visit. ing up I watched my Dad, (who law school before coming to was a government lawyer in New UVA Law? Backstreet Boys or If you could be in the York) give legal advice to fam- I wish I knew that I didn’t have *NSYNC? Olympics, which sport ily and friends when they didn’t to worry about finding a com- I don’t know the difference. would you compete in? know how to navigate the legal munity because it’s pretty easy to Rowing. I’ve been part of a system. I similarly look forward find one here. What is the best concert couple of rowing teams and have to providing guidance to people you have ever been to? always experienced a great sense in my life who are struggling with What did you have for U2 at the O2 in London. of camaraderie and team spirit. whatever legal hurdles life throws breakfast this morning? their way. I had an everything bagel with What’s your favorite thing Where is a place you Joseph Digirolamo ’20 herb cream cheese from Bodo’s. to do in Charlottesville? haven’t been but want to Favorite place in Charlot- Go to wineries. We have a lot of travel to? tesville? What is your favorite What’s your most inter- beautiful ones, and many of them The Nordic countries (Sweden, Lampo pizza. Charlottesville word? esting two-truths- and-a- are great places to relax for an af- Norway, etc.). Between amazing has such a great food scene, but, Pugnacious. It includes the lie? (And what’s the lie?) ternoon with friends. natural beauty and great baked like many people, Lampo is the name of a dog breed, which is I had a miniature poodle. I goods, it’s hard for me to imagine standout! fantastic. have a twin brother at Columbia If you could make one rule I wouldn’t love it! Law. I like skydiving. The third that everyone had to follow, Pet peeve? Where did you grow up? one is a lie. I really, really hate what would it be? What are you looking for- The worst thing that can hap- Brookfield, Connecticut. heights. I’m probably the person Read at least one novel every ward to after you graduate? pen to me at the start of a day is who is least likely to jump into a year. It’s always helped me get Moving to the same city as my for my travel mug to leak in my What’s the best meal swimming pool from the edge of out of my own head for a little twin brother. We went to the bag. No one wants that. you’ve ever had? that swimming pool. while and given me a better un- same undergrad together and are Sushi with Austin in Newport derstanding of others’ perspec- very close, so it will be great to be What’s one movie that left Beach, California. If you could live anywhere, tives. able to see him regularly again. an impression on you? where would it be? Love Actually. I can’t say it was If you could meet one ce- London, England. I lived in What’s your spirit ani- What are you going to a deep impression, but I’ll always lebrity, who would it be and England for a year, and I would mal? miss most about the Law remember Hugh Grant dancing why? love to live there again one day. I A snow leopard. School? down the stairs in Number 10! I would want to meet David would be able to reconnect with Everyone I met here! Mitchell; he’s a famous novelist old friends and it’s difficult to find What’s your favorite food? If you could pick one song who wrote my favorite book, The a place with as much history and Chocolate. I’ve even learned What are the 7 wonders of to play in the background of Bone Clocks. diversity (people, culture, food, how to make my own! the law school? your life, what would it be? etc.) as London! Also, it’s so easy (1) Wilson Parker’s table near “The Great Pumpkin Waltz” What’s your favorite hob- to travel virtually anywhere in If you won the lottery, Scott Commons, (2) The bust of from Charlie Brown. An absolute by to avoid the stress of law Europe from the U.K. what would you do with it? RFK, (3) The RFK plaque, (4) classic. school? I would buy a house on Cape The big table in Scott Commons Reading fiction novels. What’s your least favorite Cod for my parents, give to my fa- (most often occupied by 3L Sec- --- sound? vorite charities, and get a new set tion A women), (5) Spies Garden, [email protected] Where is your favorite A fork grating on a plate. of golf clubs! (6) Professor Frederick Schauer’s place to vacation? office, (7) Caplin Pavilion. Cape Cod. I’ve been going with What’s the best gift you’ve If you had Matrix-like my family since I was a little kid, ever received? learning, what would you What kind of impact do so I have years of great memo- My twin brother gave me an learn? you hope to have as a law- I would learn other languages. yer? 6 VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Wednesday, 22 January 2020 Movember Results!

The UVA Law Health and am not done yet. I’m com- Wellness Committee’s Mo- 1. Kareem Ramadan ’20 ing back next year to take vember Mustache Competi- 2. Alex Castle ’22 the title again and the year tion results are in! It was a 3. Dylan Igoe ’21 after that too. Not one, not hairy competition that came 4. LB McCaskey ’21 two, not three...” He added down to the final minutes 5. Eric Seifriz ’22 a shoutout to Jordan Rob- and the very final donation 6. Scott Jorgenson ’21 irds—Jacqui Dejournett’s to determine first through 7. Steven Bonniwell ’21 non-law student fiancé who third place. In the end, Ka- 8. Nathan Eagan ’21 happens to be passionate for reem Ramadan pulled off the mustaches—for his donation win with a total of $133.96; Ramadan told the Law putting Kareem over the fin- Alex Castle came in a close Weekly “It was 27 years ish line. second with $97.56; and in the making, and I could Dylan Igoe raised $95.97 not be more proud of my The Competition raised to finish in third. The final dad passing on the mus- hundreds of dollars from standings are as follows: tache growing gene. But, I kindhearted students like yourself, 100 percent of which will be donated to Mo- vember, a charity foundation dedicated to men’s health is- Alex Castle ’22 finished in a respectable second place. Photo Courtesy UVA Law SBA. sues including prostate can- cer, testicular cancer, and suicide prevention (learn more at us.movember.com). A big thanks to everyone who participated—whether you grew a mustache or do- nated in support of which- ever mustache you found the most luxurious, you en- couraged important conver- sations about men’s health issues and helped to fund a great organization. The Health and Wellness Com- mittee looks forward to see- ing everyone’s mustaches again the next time Movem- ber rolls around!

--- [email protected]

Kareem Ramadan ’20 and his glorious mustache take first place in Movember. Photo Courtesy UVA Law Dylan Igoe ’21 is just happy to have been in contention. Photo Courtesy UVA Law SBA. SBA.

DINOSAURS NEW YEAR 1/28 at 5:15 P.M. I think it’s 2013, 2025 GRADES continued from page 2 continued from page 3 great that the Law School Years of the Horse: 1942, continued from page 3 community is celebrating 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, successful, props must be given hands to help my grand- this holiday, though I want 2014, 2026 deadlines like they’re nothing to both these students and di- mother roll out the dough for to note that Lunar New Year Years of the Sheep: 1943, are Kanye with his albums and nosaurs for consistently putting dumplings or enough mouths encompasses so much more 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, Obama with healthcare.gov. their A-game out there with lit- to eat them. I start to miss my than Chinese New Year. So, 2015, 2027 And let me assure you, not a tle recognition. family. But the great thing to all my fellows out there, I Years of the Monkey: 1944, single person in this law school A lot of people can be hard- about traditions is that I can say, Happy Lunar New Year! 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, has 1/1000th the creativity of headed here, especially 1Ls. bring them to new places and 2004, 2016, 2028 Kanye or 1/10000000th the There is no more perfect di- share them with new people! Years of the Rat: 1936, Years of the Rooster: 1945, charisma of Obama. They are, nosaur for these kids than the So even though I haven’t 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005, after all, lawyers. So please, Pachycephalosaurs. I highly been able to go home for the 2008, 2020 2017, 2029 unless you are in fact Kanye or doubt you recognize this dino biggest holiday of the year, I Years of the Ox: 1937, 1949, Years of the Dog: 1946, Obama undercover, adhere to by name, but if I say that this get to be part of a set of new 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, the deadline, and tell me your dino literally has a skull shaped traditions here at the Law 2021 2006, 2018, 2030 price to get it in by January 1 like a basketball meant to run School. Years of the Tiger: 1938, Years of the Pig: 1947, instead. I truly want to know. into things like a ram, hopefully Last year, APALSA handed 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007, If you happen to be in the a light goes off (unless you’ve out home-made bubble tea 2010, 2022 2019, 2031 administration, whether as a tried to do the same thing your- for the New Year, and we’re Years of the Rabbit: 1939, professor or some administra- self with a normal human skull). bringing the tradition back 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, --- tive capacity, and are ready While it will probably be hard to this year on Friday (1/24) in 2011, 2023 [email protected] to sit down to write an angry convince the people that fit this Hunton-Williams Hallway at Years of the Dragon: 1940, email to the Law Review or me personality of their dinosaur 11am. In addition, I want to 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, because you are personally of- doppelgänger, hopefully their give a shout out to Student 2012, 2024 fended by this column, please brains aren’t as small as their Affairs for arranging a Lion Years of the Snake: 1941, first take a look in the mirror dino counterpart to account for Dance in Caplin Pavilion on 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, and say to yourself, “I did this their massively stubborn skulls. to me. I did this. Not Drew, I For the rest of the students, am mad because of the things a Pteranodon is your fit. If that that I did.” If you want to write name brings up blank stares, me an email afterwards, by all think Petrie from Land Before means, take the time to do so. Time. Petrie was always jovial, And since you have time to do as these students are mainly that, at least have the decency here for a good time. However, to tell me how much you want both Petrie and these students to get my grades in by Janu- are panicky and anxious in ary 1, name your price at the times of stress. More often than bottom of the email. If it is so not, both are “small but mighty” high that it would take me be- and are happy as long as they coming as rich as Bruce Karsh are with friends. Even if they and donating 51 million dol- don’t really know what’s going lars on the single condition on most of the time, they survive that professors get a bonus and are generally liked by most! for completing test grades by January 1, I will do that. But by --- all means, send in your emails [email protected] and your prices and I will be sure to get back to you in no later than 4 weeks’ time. 2020 is going to be these rats’ year. Photo courtesy HappyNewYear2020. --- [email protected] Wednesday, 22 January 2020 VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY 7 iTREK expected. I didn’t know much place on iTrek and it brings SOFTBALL continued from page 2 about the Israeli-Palestinian everyone closer together in a uling games and reserving conflict going into the trip, special and unique way” said continued from page 5 fields is a hassle, but it’s part of low sea level. Afterwards, the and my knowledge of ancient Kritz. “We want folks to leave the game. group explored the last Jew- Middle East history was pret- the trip with more questions likely put MEAT far ahead. ish stronghold in Masada, an ty minimal too. But our guide than when they came. We But hold on, they weren’t Team to Watch – Humon- ancient fortress in the Judean did such an awesome job of want to expose them to the vi- the only champions this sea- gous Melonheads desert, built on top of a mas- exploring these topics while brant cultures in Israel. Even son. The umps also handed We definitely are the team sive plateau overlooking the adding his own perspective.” though it is a complicated out the “extremely prestigious” to watch next season. IMO, we dead sea. As the students For Julian Kritz ’20 and place, it’s an awesome place NGSL Awards: should’ve won in the fall. overlooked the ruins of King Welch, iTrek 2020 is marks to visit, learn from legal pro- Herod’s palace to the desert their third time with UVA fessionals, and discover how Best Uniforms – Nettie Light Most Likely to Not Have and sea below, they learned iTrek and second year as people interact with the chal- Only about half the teams Enough Women – Fed Sox about the epic siege of Ma- leaders of the experience. lenges on the ground,” Welch actually had “uniforms,” so the Also part of the game, find- sada which took place almost “Leading iTrek has been an told the paper. “We have a lot other half was lucky if their ing women who want to play 2000 years ago. absolute highlight of law of deep conversations about players showed up wearing the the game. Fed Sox pulled it to- Garrett Kitamura ’21 found school. I especially have loved really challenging and per- same color shirt. So props for gether and fielded a team for the trip very educational, ex- the fact that by bringing our sonal topics. Creating a sense the creativity, but more impor- the playoffs, though. plaining that “iTrek was a re- classmates to one of the most of community helps the par- tantly, the effort. ally special experience on so meaningful places on Earth, ticipants feel safe to engage Most Surprising Season – many levels. I was so grateful we create an environment on with these topics, while learn- Most Likely to Yell at an Ump Habeas Porpoise to get to see sites that are so our trip where people have ing more about Israel and – The Gentlemen of the Class Winners of the 1L tourna- central to so many religious conversations they generally themselves.” of 2022 ment last year, everyone ex- faiths, including my own. I wouldn’t have with their law Agreed, I know I person- pected this team to have a also love history and current school peers. Questions about --- ally deserve at least 1/170th of strong showing this fall. Or, at events, and I got so much peoples’ religion, politics, [email protected] this award. 1L games get heat- least, show up to play at all. The more of that than I could have and upbringing are common- ed…someone gets called out on team ended up not participat- a pitch that hits the plate and ing in the playoffs––the Law the benches clear to calm the Weekly isn’t sure if it’s because captains down, we’ve all been they couldn’t rally enough play- there…right? ers or if they just wanted to quit while they’re ahead. Regard- Rookies of the Year – Section less, NGSL thanks them for the G $60 in registration fees. This is well deserved. Sec- Always the Bridesmaid – tion G worked with what they Sermon on the Mound had—they didn’t recruit from The #2 seed to start and out of their section and made runner-up to finish. Seems to it to the semi-finals, where they be a recurring theme with this held the #2 seed to seven runs. group over the last few years. For the record, my section team There’s always next season, (E) beat them in the regular Sermon. And the one after that. season, but unfortunately, that And after that. means nothing. Their squad showed up to play when it mat- --- tered the most. [email protected]

Most Likely to Ghost – VJILantes Photogenic UVA Law students pose once again. Photo credit Grace Tang ’21. No one likes ghosts. Sched-

RECAP ceremony; Lochte later skips -Absolutely nothing else of hit us with a Super Bowl ad erally dozens of people across continued from page 4 bail and flees to São Paulo. note happened this year. about dead kids with a com- the United States acquire a Unfortunately for Lochte, São mercial featuring Kendall Jen- newfound interest in soccer as -In a rough year for animals Paulo is also in Brazil, and he 2017: ner solving America’s social a result. of impressive nomenclature, is promptly re-apprehended. -Hundreds of social media problems through the power -The megahit show Game both Acrocephalus yamashi- -Longtime friend of the Law influencers and their video of high fructose corn syr- of Thrones airs its eighth and nae (the Pagan Reed-Warbler) Weekly Leonardo DiCaprio crews flock to the Bahamas up. Following the ad’s luke- final season, which sticks the and Sus bucculentus (the In- wins his first Academy Award for the inaugural Fyre Festi- warm reception, Pepsi quietly landing about as well as the do-Chinese Warty Pig) are de- (Best Actor) for The Revenant, val, organized by Ja Rule and shelves its plans for a Harriet Challenger mission. Pop cul- clared extinct. a musical comedy about the hosted by the Clinton Founda- Tubman-themed follow-up ture enthusiasts are momen- -Perennial understudy Ryan value of friendship in hard tion. Attendees are shocked to campaign. tarily united in their disdain, Lochte (best known for coin- times. Other major wins in- find that, instead of arriving at before remembering that the ing the term “Jeah”) visits clude Brie Larson (Best Ac- an amenity-filled fantasyland 2018: Star Wars franchise exists and Rio de Janeiro for the Sum- tress, for her role in Room), of debauchery, they have been -Darwin strikes from be- can be argued about for liter- mer Olympics and starts an Ex Machina (Visual Effects), dropped into a Battle Royale- yond the grave with the rise of ally decades. international incident when and The Hateful Eight (Most style deathmatch being run for the “Tide Pod Challenge.” Jer- -Pro-democracy protests he is arrested for public urina- Unnecessary Racial Slurs in a the twisted entertainment of a emy Keller, of Poncha Springs, erupt in Hong Kong after the tion during the torch-lighting Motion Picture). secretive cabal of billionaires. Colorado, acquires detergent- proposed extradition of Win- Three days later, a bloodied based superpowers after con- nie the Pooh to mainland Bella Hadid emerges from the suming several pods in one China. After initially failing jungle as the ultimate victor sitting. Keller is last spotted to quell the demonstrations, after eliminating the only re- in the UK after misinterpret- the Chinese government un- maining competition, former ing the phrase “birth of grime” leashes their ultimate weapon, Vine star Trey Robinson, with and going in search of a new LeBron James. In a surprise a katana sword. arch-nemesis. television appearance, James -A persistent whirring sound -Elon Musk single-handedly launches into a passionate fills classrooms across Ameri- saves an entire soccer team of chant of “Long live the Gen- ca as overmedicated children young Thai boys in a daring eral Line! Long live the Great nationwide discover the fun of cave rescue that has probably Leap forward!” He later begins fidget spinners. Panic ensues already been optioned by Dis- a campaign to educate Ameri- when parents realize that they ney for a miniseries.4 can citizens about the benefits have unintentionally turned -Prince Harry (“the fun of backyard furnaces and the their little tykes into expert one”) weds Meghan Markle insidious dangers of rats, flies, wielders of throwing stars and in an extravagant ceremony mosquitoes and sparrows. similar ninja tools. viewed by millions worldwide, -Former Buffalo Bills run- following months of hateful Can’t wait to see what this ning back and Hall of Fame coverage by the British press. next decade has in store! member Orenthal James Harry and Meghan later make Simpson returns to the pub- the unprecedented decision to --- lic eye after years in seclu- retire from being treated like [email protected] sion. Simpson is perhaps best s*** for absolutely no reason. known for his 1968 Heisman Trophy win and still holds the 2019: record for most rushing yards -The American women’s per game in an NFL season. team wins the World Cup Outside of the world of sports, for the second time in a row he is broadly recognized for (although calling this “win- his hilarious appearances in ning” is like calling the Bible a the Naked Gun film trilogy. “mildly influential text”). Lit- -Pepsi drops the hottest ad- DEBATE: What colors do you see? Photo courtesy quartz.com vertisement since Nationwide 4 Turns out it was Netflix. 8 The Back Page VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Wednesday, 22 January 2020

Cartoon By Raphael Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/sudoku on Mon Jan 20 20:16:22 2020 GMT. Enjoy! GMT. 2020 20:16:22 20 Jan Mon on http://www.opensky.ca/sudoku by Generated

TIME EVENT LOCATION COST FOOD?

WEDNESDAY –January 22 Puzzle 1 (Medium, difficulty ratingSUDOKU 0.54) 13:00 – Fed Soc: Does Harvard Caplin Pavilion Free Provided 14:00 Discriminate? 19:00 – Thoroughly Modern Alamo Drafthouse $10 --- 1 3 5 21:30 Millie 20:00 – Swing 101 The Front Porch $5 --- 22:00 7 9 3 2 6 THURSDAY – January 23 A. Wilson Greene Lecture: 17:00 – Albert H. Small 8 4 5 “’A Perfect Hell of Blood’: Free --- 18:30 Building The Battle of the Crater” 18:30 – Trivia Night Albemarle Ciderworks Free --- 6 7 8 4 20:30 FRIDAY – January 24 Speech Inside the 9:30 – Schoolhouse Gates: 50 Lunch provided Caplin Pavilion Free t 14:00 Years After Tinker v. Des with RSPV 8 7 9 3 Moines “Frederick Douglass: 11:00 – Prophet of Freedom” Book Miller Center Free --- 5 2 4 12:15 Talk 11:30 – Private-Sector Careers WB 152 Free --- 4 3 5 9 7 12:30 Spring Kickoff o c k e SATURDAY – January 25 Men’s Tennis: Virginia vs. 13:00 Boar’s Head Sports Club Free --- 7 8 5 Memphis D 19:00 – Unity of Charlottesville January Ballroom Dance $6 w/ student ID --- 22:15 Ballroom Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/sudoku on Mon Jan 20 20:16:22 2020 GMT. Enjoy! SUNDAY – January 26 Solution h e UVA Chambers Music Free for UVA 15:30 –

Series: Pianist John Old Cabell Hall students who --- T 17:00 5 8 6 1 4 7 2 9 3 Mayhood reserve in advance

MONDAY – January 27 2 7 1 9 5 3 8 4 6 Friends of Classics Talk: 9 4 3 8 6 2 5 1 7

17:00 – Contemporary Curating in Cocke Hall Free --- 6 3 9 7 2 4 1 5 8

19:30

Ancient Rome 8 1 7 6 9 5 3 2 4 17:00 – 4 5 2 3 1 8 7 6 9 Jimenez Lai Lecture Campbell Hall Free --- 18:00

TUESDAY – January 28 3 9 5 4 7 1 6 8 2

16:00 – Legal Writing Fellow 1 6 8 2 3 9 4 7 5 WB 128 Free --- 7 2 4 5 8 6 9 3 1

17:00 Tryout Meeting 17:00 – Lunar New Year Refreshments 0.54) rating difficulty (Medium, 1 Puzzle Caplin Pavilion Free 18:00 Celebration provided VELF Movie Screening 17:00 – and Discussion: “Water WB 278 Free Provided 18:00 Warriors” Southern Café and 18:00 Nada Surf Starts at $20 --- Music Hall