sign in sign up
<<
Home , Human bonding, Sue Johnson

Attachment science is Deciphering the Language of helping couples master By Sue Johnson communication and connection—and getting through conflict

GETTY IMAGES OSTILL OSTILL

35 uch of the anguish and tionship … and I have no idea how to put it IN BRIEF the elation in our lives right.” begins with a glance, a In fact, there are real, research-backed Love Conquers All kiss and then—a life- ways to help people understand and • People display characteristic patterns of attach- long struggle to make strengthen love. For several decades now ment, often based on relationships with caregiv- Msense of the verb to love. Patients have faith the science of attachment has stirred a qui- ers in childhood, that can shape and that their doctor can set a broken bone or et revolution. We know, for instance, that throughout their life span. offer pills to adjust their blood pressure. patterns of behavior learned in childhood • When someone is “securely attached,” he or she But poets, philosophers and psychologists form a template for our adult relationships. feels confident that a loved one is reliable, sup- alike have long seen love as intangible and At a deeper level we can see the evolution- portive and responsive. nebulous, beyond our abilities to define. As ary and biological richness of love and af- one young man with whom I worked said, fection; our connections have measurable • Many couples struggle when partners distance “I don’t think anyone has ever had any real effects on our body and health. Perhaps themselves emotionally from each other. Emo- idea about this love thing, and you don’t ei- most excitingly, we have studied ways to tionally focused therapy helps people bridge ther.” Love is a many-splendored, mysteri- guide couples toward healthier relation- these gaps and communicate their needs and ous thing. How, people wonder, can I or ships. In a sense, attachment science, feelings. anyone else proffer advice on enigmatic which once focused on the bonds between matters of the heart? and child, has “grown up” and illu- In my experience as a researcher and minated myriad powerful predictors for couples therapist, I have encountered happy couples. many, many people trying to tackle that There is a need for that knowledge. In a puzzle. Countless times I have heard: “I Pew Research Center survey published in don’t know what went wrong with my rela- 2012, for example, 84 percent of people saw as a very important life goal— and a Pew survey released in 2010 revealed Sue Johnson is an author, clinical psychologist, researcher, public that most people see love as the basis of speaker and developer of emotionally focused therapy. She is also a marriage. The bulk of people seem to agree professor emeritus at the . In 2016 she received with Harvard Medical School psychiatrist the Order of , a civilian honor. Robert Waldinger, who studies happiness,

36 that the single best recipe for a good life, health and joy is a loving relationship. As a corollary to these beliefs, today relation- ship troubles are a top reason people seek help from mental health professionals like myself. Over the years the science of attachment has advanced to the point where it gives us a concrete map to the practice of love, to optimizing adult relationships—even very challenging romantic ones. In my own work, I have developed and tested a thera- peutic approach that can guide couples to- ward stronger, more supportive relation- ships. The latest research confirms and also GETTY IMAGES challenges some of our cherished beliefs about the nature of love. Most important, it ALTRENDO IMAGES does indeed have much to tell us about how to actively shape our romantic relation- health professionals espoused theories that fants, then watched how behaviors changed ships for the better. saw unhappy as victims of too much when the two were separated in an unfa- closeness and not enough separation. Sep- miliar environment. A Mother’s Love arating and child was deemed nec- These “” experiments Consider the bond between parent and essary to build strength. revealed that some infant-mother exchang- child. For much of the 20th century we dis- The flaws in this thinking began to ap- es predictably led to calm and positive be- missed children’s need for safe connection pear half a century ago thanks to a series of haviors in the child, whereas others did not. such that routinely dropped their experiments by psychologists As revealed in Bowlby’s 1969 book Attach- sick children off at the hospital to be cared and . In an effort to crack ment and Loss, such scenarios can illumi- for by without considering wheth- the code of human bonding, they observed nate patterns in the way children behave er this might be traumatizing. Mental interactions between and their in- that relate to their connection to their

37 mother. Ainsworth later identified three though unwilling to that everything lationships. Secure partners tend to have basic “styles” of attachment that could ex- was, in fact, okay. better relationships and better mental plain these patterns. Another group of insecurely attached health in general. They expect to be re- Separation, broadly, causes distress. But children showed very little when sponded to and loved. Anxiously attached for some children, the nature of their bond their mother left or returned. They focused partners are vigilant for rejection and tend with their mother is such that when they are instead on toys and objects. They did not to pursue their partner with intense emo- left alone, they do not panic. Instead they ask for their parent nor did they respond to tional demands. Avoidant individuals turn are curious and can explore a new environ- her comfort. They avoided closeness. Re- away from their partners, especially when ment without fear. Parents in these rela- search has since revealed that many of they or their lover becomes vulnerable; tionships communicated their love and care these “avoidant” children are just as upset they dismiss their own and their lover’s at- clearly, and children were comforted by their as their anxious peers but are adept at shut- tachment needs. mother’s attentions. Ainsworth called this ting down their responses, most probably Indeed, a longitudinal study, published form of attachment “secure.” Secure chil- as a consequence of unresponsive or even in 2007 by University of Minnesota psy- dren display emotional balance, confidence, abusive parenting. They have no expecta- chologists, confirmed the longevity of these and an ability to explore and learn. Their tion of a safe connection. patterns. The team worked with 78 young sense that their parents provided a safe ha- By the 1980s researchers began to rec- adults who had been studied from infancy. ven, led to strong children who could con- ognize that these patterns could inform In the study, people who had exhibited se- nect openly with others as they matured. adult relationships—including romantic cure attachment as one-year-olds were But other infants displayed a distinctly ones. The responses associated with each more socially competent in elementary different set of behaviors. “Insecure, anx- attachment style become automatic as we school than people who had lacked secure iously attached” children were over- grow up and can color the way we think and attachment. That competence in turn pre- whelmed by the pain and uncertainty of feel about ourselves in relation to others. dicted better friendships as teenagers—and separation. Their parents, when present in For example, we may struggle to trust oth- stronger social connections at age 16 linked the experiments, tended to be less accessi- ers if we could not rely on our parents—and to better romantic relationships when the ble, responsive and engaged. The chil- a lack of early attention may leave some participants were between 20 and 23 years dren’s emotional responses were intense. people unsure whether they are even enti- old. Meanwhile other research has made it They flipped from anger to panic when tled to another person’s care. clear that people exposed to violence and calling out to their parent, and when com- Like muscle memory, these patterns kick other severe relationship dysfunction in forted by a mother, they clung to her, as in when we are vulnerable in romantic re- early life not only may develop insecure at-

38 tachment but are more vulnerable to men- research, of which I have been a part, has therapy, and as I became aware of their tal illness and becoming caught in repeat investigated ways to modify these patterns powerful fears, needs and dilemmas, I be- scenarios of as adults. and how doing so can truly change some- gan urgently seeking for a way to under- Entrenched anxious and avoidant styles one’s life. stand their struggles. Building on the tend to seed disconnection and relation- emerging understanding of adult attach- ship distress, which makes it harder for the Better Together ment, my colleagues and I developed emo- other partner to stay attuned and respon- I began studying attachment science in the tionally focused therapy (EFT) as a short- sive. But there is hope. The latest wave of 1980s. At that time, I was seeing couples in term therapy grounded in that science. To understand how EFT works, we first need to consider a central tenet of attach- ment research. Namely, the love we feel from another person has an enormous ef- fect on us, both physically and emotionally. Several studies have confirmed that -con clusion in recent years. One pivotal experiment, published in 2006 by James A. Coan, a neuroscientist at the University of Virginia School of Medi- cine, placed 16 married women in a mag- netic resonance imaging machine and sub- jected them to the threat of electric shock during three different situations: they held their ’s hand, they held the hand of a male or they lay alone in the machine. In each case, a large X appeared on a screen in front of the woman’s eyes to warn her that a shock might be coming. GETTY IMAGES The shock was delivered only 20 percent of

TARA MOORE the time.

39 Coan found that holding a mate’s hand tions associated with those moments using ported greater emotional recovery were significantly reduced the activation of neu- just the trigger words. Selçuk next asked also healthier, based on observations made ral systems in the brain associated with the women to trigger those memories while one month later. For example, they had less emotional and behavioral threat respons- imagining that they were receiving comfort pain and and were less likely to es—such as the right anterior insula, supe- from either their mother or an acquain- miss work for health reasons. rior frontal gyrus and hypothalamus. This tance. Then the women rated their emo- That finding was just a correlation, act also lessened the amount of pain re- tional response in terms of how positively showing physical health and a strong rela- ported as a result of that shock. Being alone or how negatively they felt on a scale of 1 to tionship are connected—so it cannot prove or holding a stranger’s hand, however, of- 7, where 1 was not at all, and 7 was extreme. that one factor caused the other. Neverthe- fered no significant benefit. Furthermore, Imagining one’s mother—but not an ac- less, the bulk of attachment research sug- people who had more supportive marriag- quaintance—helped people bounce back gests that healthy relationships support es, as measured with a questionnaire, from the pain and sadness of their unhappy healthy lives. As Coan’s findings revealed, seemed to experience the most relief. memory, provided they had secure attach- we feel more at ease in the presence of cer- Coan’s finding is one of various studies ment styles. In a second version of this ex- tain people. Therefore, cultivating those that have found that a loved one’s presence periment, Selçuk found this recovery also special relationships may help us weather can modulate neurophysiological respons- occurred when people looked at a photo- life’s uncertainties, which would certainly es, such as heart rate and the release of graph of their mother as opposed to some- make us healthier overall. stress . Intriguingly, a series of one else’s mother. Both these studies make In that light, our relationships are part experiments, published in 2012, revealed it clear that we can gain tremendous emo- of our species’ survival code. Secure at- that even just imagining an attachment fig- tional strength from simply thinking about tachment offers us a potent sense of safety ure can have profound effects. In this work, our attachment figures. and a way to maintain equilibrium in the Emre Selçuk, a psychologist then at Cornell In a third version of the study, Selçuk presence of danger or threat. These bonds University, and his colleagues encouraged and his colleagues asked 30 couples to look allow us to tolerate and cope with our hu- 105 women to determine their attachment at a picture of their romantic partner while man frailty. And when we view others as a style using a questionnaire. These partici- recalling a difficult experience. As one trusted resource, this perspective funda- pants then wrote extensively about two might expect, securely attached individu- mentally changes our perception of dan- vivid and upsetting personal memories. For als benefited more than others from this ger, disaster and pain. The old cliché about each story, they created triggers of one to exercise. But in an interesting twist, the re- how love makes us stronger seems to be three words and practiced reliving the emo- searchers discovered that partners who re- accurate.

40 Helping Couples Connect differences in personality. This viewpoint have observed and then systematically cod- The most common problem that relation- challenges the notion that romantic love is ed these steps in conversation to rate the ships face is emotional disconnection. For something we simply fall into and out of. depth of emotional sharing and how part- example, conflict can cause one person to Instead attachment science suggests love ners reach and respond to each other. Do- withdraw or stonewall the other. As a re- is within our control—we just need to un- ing so has allowed us to pinpoint trans- sult, one partner creates emotional dis- derstand how attachment operates. forming moments where successful bond- tance from the other. That disconnect trig- Thus, the first goal of EFT is to help part- ing occurs as well as the moments where gers the distress of separation—much like ners see how they are both caught in a re- this process of attunement and responsive- the strange situations—which, in turn, can curring dance of emotional disconnection, ness gets blocked. cue a cascade of protest, clinging and pain triggering each other into aggressively de- As we noted in a 2013 review, our obser- in the person who feels abandoned. To manding a response or freezing up and vations offer many hints as to when and how make matters worse, these situations can shutting down. As a result, they can begin EFT helps couples to resolve their problems. be cyclical: emotional distance causes a to have a meta-perspective on love, to see Not everyone makes progress, but those peo- partner to become enraged or desperate, how their vulnerabilities are wired into ple who do share important commonalities. driving the other farther away. their brain as bonding mammals and to For example, we have found that EFT bene- In the moment, these patterns can look help each other out of these “demon dia- fits couples who take the time during thera- like simple disagreements, often sparked logues” that leave them alone and helpless. py to delve into and explore their emotional by a perfectly banal problem. But attach- The second goal is to help partners move, experiences. They disclose more of their per- ment theory suggests that these fights are when needing contact or support, into pos- spective. People who soften their tendency also dilemmas of disconnection. The threat itive experiences of secure connection. to lay blame also show improved relation- of emotional isolation can spark either re- That is, we need to show them how to have ship satisfaction after therapy. The blend of active anger (as when a partner declares, “I bonding conversations, in which both part- intimacy, vulnerability and a more forgiving will make you respond to me”) or a numbed ners pinpoint and share specific attach- viewpoint seems to be a crucial mix. shutdown (as in, “I can never please, you so ment fears and needs in ways that pull the This stage of the process also helps peo- I will just zone out and block you”). other close. Partners in these potent bond- ple build up a trio of crucial relationship In my work, I have found that these melt- ing conversations may openly share fears skills: accessibility, responsiveness and en- downs are more about the pain of emotion- of rejection or loneliness and then ask for gagement. Accessibility refers to our open- al disconnection and misguided attempts reassurance in a way that makes it easy for ness and willingness to turn to and attend to reconnect than the conflict per se or even the other to respond. My colleagues and I to one another. Responsiveness is the abil-

41 ity to tune into and respond to a partner’s emotional signals. is the abil- ity to stay close and attuned to another’s and remain close. In clinical work, we see these qualities captured in the com- mon question: “Are you there for me?” Fun- damentally, when people know that the an- swer to that query is a resounding yes, they are securely attached.

Breaking the Mold EFT is now the gold standard in tested cou- ple interventions. Though not the only ap- proach for couples therapists, it is unique in its integration with attachment science. Some psychologists make use of behavioral techniques that aim to tackle symptoms of distress, such as mutual blaming, by teach- ing skills such as active listening and ratio- nal negotiation. But few approaches have as strong an evidence base as EFT. To date, researchers have validated it in numerous studies, with many different kinds of cou- ples and relationship problems. Better still, the positive effects of this therapy appear to last across time. In one of our most interesting findings yet, we discovered that EFT can measurably GETTY IMAGES

change someone’s attachment style. In LAFLOR

42 2016 we published a study of 32 distressed worthwhile. Our research also suggests that love will always be magical, we can now de- couples who attended 20 sessions of EFT. because EFT improves the quality of roman- fine the outlines of this emotional bond At the start of this endeavor, all the partic- tic relationships, it can not only decrease and know it for what it is. That knowledge ipants said that they were unhappy with distress caused by conflicts the couple has is remarkable in itself and part of the great their partner. Furthermore, they were with each other, it also can build up each mosaic of findings that science offers us to chronically emotionally disconnected, partner’s resilience to stress. For example, pursue not just longer but also healthier, meaning they could not safely confide or in a 2013 paper we asked 24 couples to par- happier and more fulfilling lives. Our best trust the other person to be there for them ticipate in brain imaging and made use of relationships, after all, buoy us up amid dif- when needed. the same methods as Coan’s hand-holding ficult times. As Mozart is said to have ob- In addition to requesting the partici- experiment. We found that before therapy, served, “Love guards the heart from the pants to rate themselves on questionnaires, holding a husband’s hand did not buffer abyss.” That statement is more than just we asked them to discuss a specific relation- women against the dread or pain of an elec- poetic. M ship conflict at the beginning and end of tric shock—but after therapy, it did. therapy. Using that information, we deter- Other teams have confirmed that - im MORE TO EXPLORE mined their attachment style. Although they provements EFT brings to relationship qual- Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic began with insecure attachment (either anx- ity can bolster well-being more broadly. In a Relationships. Sue Johnson. Little, Brown, 2013. ious or avoidant), by the end of therapy part- 2017 pilot study conducted at the Baltimore Soothing the Threatened Brain: Leveraging Contact Comfort with ners rated themselves and each other as se- VA Medical Center, researchers assigned 15 Emotionally Focused Therapy. Susan M. Johnson et al. in PLOS ONE, curely attached. They were emotionally ac- couples, in which one partner was a military Vol. 8, No. 11, Article No. e79314; November 20, 2013. cessible, responsive and engaged. They also veteran who suffered from post-traumatic Two-Year Follow-up Outcomes in Emotionally Focused Couple felt that they could get their needs for con- stress disorder, up to 36 weeks of EFT. They Therapy: An Investigation of Relationship Satisfaction and nection met from each other. A follow-up found that both partners showed better psy- Attachment Trajectories. Stephanie A. Wiebe et al. in Journal of study, published in this year, found that two chological health after therapy and that vet- Marital and Therapy, Vol. 43, No. 2, pages 227–244; years later, these couples still saw their bond erans reported significantly fewer symp- April 2017. as secure and loving. toms of their disorder. These studies reveal that the patterns of EFT gives people the skills to sculpt and FROM OUR ARCHIVES bonding we learn in early childhood are not keep love. It demonstrates how the new sci- Get Attached. Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller; immutable. We can change them for the ence of attachment can serve as a guide to January/February 2011. better. Moreover, this process is clearly relationship repair and stability. Although

 43