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Asking for Impossible Things Ebook

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Asking for Impossible Things Ebook A Community Project by Kerstin Martin ASKING FOR IMPOSSIBLE THINGS October 2019 CONTRIBUTORS 1. Eli Trier ............................................................ page 3 2. Karen CL Anderson ........................................page 6 3. Jonathan Tilley ..............................................page 10 4. Kerstin Martin (Part 1) ...................................page 14 5. Tara Leaver ....................................................page 17 6. Crys Wood .....................................................page 22 7. Anna Lovind ..................................................page 30 8. Shauna Reid ..................................................page 34 9. Kerstin Martin (Part 2) ...................................page 38 10. Patricia Houghton Clarke ............................page 41 11. Madelyn Mulvaney .......................................page 45 12. Christine Mason Miller .................................page 49 13. Angie Mizzell .................................................page 52 14. Kerstin Martin (Part 3) ...................................page 55 15. Sophy Dale ....................................................page 58 16. Valerie Day ....................................................page 62 17. Julia Barnickle ...............................................page 68 Page 2 of 72 Eli Trier 1 Asking for impossible things starts with learning how to receive. "Daring is doing. Daring is asking something outrageous despite your chances of failure and rejection. Daring is going out on a limb by believing in something that no one else understands, and if all fails, daring is trying again." –Bibi Bourelly One of the most fundamental parts of community is give and take. A beautiful flow of mutual reciprocity that nurtures everyone. As natural business coach Julie Wolk says: ”Just like an ecosystem, your business thrives in a diverse web of interrelated beings helping each other out over the long-term.” However, for a lot of people (particularly women - myself included), the 'take' part of this equation gets lost. Our feminine conditioning gets us tangled up, and we struggle to take, to ask for help, to state our needs and to speak up when they aren't being met. We can't even take a simple compliment, preferring to bat it away like a wasp at a picnic. Page 3 of 72 I have been making a conscious effort this year to break this habit in myself, and oh my, it has made life so much more fun and pleasurable! I started by taking compliments, receiving them with a smile and a thank you instead of my usual tirade of exactly why the person complimenting me was sorely mistaken. Then I moved up a level to stating my preferences. For example, when someone asked, 'where shall we meet', I would suggest a meeting place that suited me, rather than my default answer of, 'I don't mind, wherever's easiest for you.' I've slowly challenged myself to learn how to receive gracefully, and I'm understanding more and more that asking for help is a gift to the person you ask. It's a gift because it shows that you trust them, that you value them, that they matter to you. It gives them an opportunity to be your hero. Giving feels good! We all know this, which is why we give, give, give all the time. But have you ever stopped to think that by only giving you're depriving someone of the pleasure of giving to you? I'm now on level 10: asking for impossible things, and it is so much fun. It's almost easier to ask for impossible things because it's really hard to get attached to the outcome. The most wonderful thing about asking people for impossible things is that sometimes they say YES. Want to work with someone amazing but can't afford them? Ask if they have a scholarship programme or a payment plan they don't Page 4 of 72 publicise. Want that super high-profile person to share your latest blog post? Tell them about it and ask for a share. Want to be on that insanely popular podcast even though you only have 46 followers and have only been in business for five minutes? Fuck it, why not ask? You never know when someone might say yes. Whatever it is that you want, even it seems completely impossible, try ASKING for it before you list all the reasons why you can never have it (oh, and to clarify, I do mean ask the actual person who can give it to you, not just the universe). And when they do say yes, accept and receive graciously - don't tell them how wrong their yes was and how they'll regret it. Never be afraid to ask - hearing a no won’t kill you, and in fact, the more ‘no’s’ you hear, the less they hurt (and the less you care). Please consider this your permission slip to ask for whatever you want, no matter how impossible it may seem, or how many reasons you think of that you’ll be denied. Allow people the gift of surprising and delighting you with their generosity. Finally, if you’re still stuck on the idea of guilt-free, joyful receiving, think of it this way: the more you get the more you can give - woohoo! Page 5 of 72 Eli Trier lives in the wonderful city of Copenhagen, Denmark and is a community builder for Quiet Revolutionaries. She helps introverts with big dreams to get connected and build thriving, engaged communities around their businesses, so that they can make a massive impact, find their dream clients, and make their corner of the world a better place. A long-time business owner, Eli knows first-hand the power of human connection to build a business, and her unique approach got her featured in The FT Guide to Business Networking. She specialises in creating powerful, strategic online community projects and loves every minute of her work (even the boring bits). When she's not working you can find her curled up with a book, painting, or hanging out with her husband Lars. https://elitriercommunities.com/ Karen CL Anderson 2 When I wrote my second book, I worked with a “hybrid” publisher who tasked me with asking for “advance praise” from other authors Page 6 of 72 and experts. Number one on my list was Dr. Christiane Northrup, New York Times best-selling of author of Mother-Daughter Wisdom (and many other wonderful books on women’s health). I was excited because I had a bit of history with her. About 10 years prior, I interviewed Dr. Northrup in advance of an appearance she made locally. She was warm and friendly and spent a lot more time with me on the phone than I expected. Unfortunately I hadn’t saved her phone number or email address, so I reached out to her via her website’s “contact” form. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it was a rather tepid effort, partly because I wasn’t sure if anyone would see it, much less respond, and partly because I didn’t know how to make a clear ask – and I didn’t know that I didn’t know. Not to mention that I was breathless and terrified, having put Dr. Northrup on a pedestal underneath which I was groveling (okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but it makes a point). A few days later I received a cordial “thank you, but no” from her assistant. The “no” from Dr. Northrup stung. I was disappointed. Crushed. Even though I knew better, it reinforced all my “I’m not good enough” thoughts. And to be honest, while I was grateful for the advance praise I received from other authors and experts, my disappointment overshadowed my gratitude. When the eBook was released (via Kindle), it quickly became a “best seller” thanks to my publisher knowing how to keep Amazon’s algorithms happy. At that point, I decided to go ahead and release a paperback version…and to approach Dr. Northrup again. Page 7 of 72 This time, I had her assistant’s email – and a new level of belief in myself and my work. My second request was enthusiastic, detailed, and forthright. Within a few days, I had Dr. Northrup’s endorsement. Since then, for other books, I’ve reached out to Oprah Winfrey, Brené Brown, Elizabeth Gilbert, and many others for advance praise (and have gotten lots of no’s and some yes’s). As well, I’ve had authors reach out to me to review their books and provide advance praise, which I’ve done with pleasure. But that’s not the point. What I learned (and continue to learn) is that “yes’s” don’t make me and “no’s” don’t break me and that putting people on pedestals is not the same thing as respecting them when asking for something. When asking for impossible things, my advice is to follow these simple guidelines, created by my friend and mentor Tanya Geisler: “when making an ask, be sure it’s reasonable, specific, brief, respectful, confident, and authentic.” Reasonable: would you be willing to return the favor? Specific: does it have a beginning, middle, and end? Be clear about exactly what the ask entails. Brief: be mindful of their time by providing only as much context is required. Respectful: be sure the request honors their gifts and talents. Page 8 of 72 Confident: if there is any wishy-washiness, you may need to revisit the who, what, when, or why and adjust accordingly. Authentic: connect with the essence of who you are and be clear about how this request is in full service to you. If you’d like to read the second request I made to Dr. Northrup’s assistant, send me an email: [email protected] Karen C.L. Anderson helps women take a compassionate look at the troubled relationships they have with their mothers and/or daughters and guides them to reveal patterns, heal shame, and transform legacies. She is the author of Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters, A Guide For Separation, Liberation & Inspiration (March 2018) and the upcoming guided journal, The Difficult Mother-Daughter Relationship Journal: A Guide For Revealing & Healing Toxic Generational Patterns (January, 2020).
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