Where Did Our Love Go?

e've all seen the cartoons and Everything feels right. Some people feel a . heard jokes about marriage sense of finally 'being home' or of being W ruining a perfectly good relation- 'complete'. Isn't marriage supposed to make ship. And you might even know a situation these feelings and chemistry last forever? where that seemed to happen -- maybe it What we now know through research is that even feels like that in your own relationship. not only do people experience this intense Why does something that starts out feeling love on an emotional level - there are so good seem to go downhill once you take actually physiological processes that occur. that step of commitment When human be~ fall in love, a peptide, One reason is that relationships go through PEA (phenoethalymine) is produced in the predictable stages, although the intensity body. PEA increases energy, feelings of well may vary from person to person and couple being, positive outlook, and diminishes pain. to couple. You may notice that even relation- It increases sexual desire. PEA is what helps ships with friends, a boss, a job, or an you stay up until4am and go to work the next adopted child all progress in a similar way. morning as if you've had a full nigbt's sleep. We commonly talk about the "honeymoon You can get so caught up in being with the period" being over after we settle in to a new other person, that you miss a meal and don't job or relationship and start having more really notice. If you usually tend to be frustrations. But in marriage or in a deeply anxious, PEA may help you feel calm. If yeu I . committed love relationship, these basic are usually depressed, you might have more stages take on new intensity. There is much energy and see things more positively. You more at stake when we make a public believe that it is this other person that brings commitment to love and be loved -- and to the best out in toti--at last you've found the spend our lives together doing so. one! And to some extent, that may be true, So why does the love seem to go away? but some of it is increased PEA! One of the culprits is that couples get stuck The beliefs of this stage are: i"Everything's

in one of the early stages and are no longer right with the world. n "Love WIll conquer all: II moving through them. They begin to feel "You're the onefor mer II trapped in frustration and disappointment. It is a wonderful time of hope, ~,love Take a look at the basic stages. and some illusion. You are 'under the influ- Stage I: Romantic Love: ence!' So, enjoy!! I The Romantic Love stage often feels so good that you want it to last forever. In fact, Stage II: Disillusionment I The P~wer you expect it to last foreverL In a new job Struggle. I like to call this stage, " re or with a new love, everything seems perfect Invitation to Growth." at first. When you see things that you don't One of the biggest illusions in 0lllj culture is like, you might deny or at least minimize that Romantic Love will last forever. if you them. You tend to go above and beyond just find the right partner. We hear that love what is required or expected. You feel is supposed to continue happening ~natorally' energized. alive, and filled with new dreams. and if you have to 'work' on it, it must not be In our culture, this stage is usually the reason real love. These illusions are one of the . I you decide to get married in the first place. reasons our divorce rate remains around 50%! Your heart is filled with love and you know When people get stuck in this stage, 1jhey that this person loves you. You both find believe they just made a mistake in choosing creative ways to show your love. When their partner. He or she isn't the right one. you're apart, you are thinking of one another. One reason for the let-down feeling is that

we same noose msconnecrea nom one some of wnat IS gomg m your reliltioriShip -F OJ members. Produced by the Association of another. and offer practical skills to help change it. Imago Relationship Therapy. PEA production begins to decline. And GOOD NEWS! You are not meant to live 3) Focus on your OWN behavior. Look at because we see the other person as the source in distress! That is NOT what marriage. is. some of the things you do that are not helpfu of omogE.",tJ· i hI"'@;. w~li>em::wlw:u meant to be! This stoge-earr bl!'1licdiJor to t&.thcrelationship. What are you putting inte we don't feel as good-- not realizing that deeper connection and inJimoq, and a that space between you and your partner? part of it is simply biological! People wbo go fuJJiJJing reloJionship - if you learn and Does it cultivate the relationship or pollute il from relationship to relationship are caught use some of the tools to transform iJ into the Then begin taking one step at a time to up in trying to feel those PEA produced path to real love. . change those things that don't cultivate it. feelings! AffaiIs are often attempts to This conflict and distress hold the keys to recreate those feelings and the danger of mutual growth, healing, and fulfilling your 4) If you find that the new skills are not being caught only adds to the intensity of the potential as individuals and as a couple! It is helping or think you might need some help, 'high' because PEA production increases. the point wbere you choose together to make go to a counselor who focuses on teaching --IhtlHltllisH·ir?21n!l4di-;ststl331g~et'JYOgjl~llDImij·gh~tssrtaatttt,., 1/l1?i'----..tiffee~~linm·tt.Js"g>.-IItt-ioisS'ththe8-jip9I9ImU,·lHI"rll'l!e!tereR:'-1}/t·a"H""",'aIoollre-tlup~;.----ssldlls. A cettified Imago Relationshij'i anxious or disappointed. Things that you decide to become conscious and intentional, Therapist is trained to do just that. You can once liked about your partner have become and begin a wbole new chapter in co-creating find one close to you by checking in two sources of frustration and hurt feelings. You the relationship you both dreamed of. places: The Association for Imago Relation find fault with each other and blame each ship Therapy at 1-800-884-6246 or visit other for how you feel. You may ask, "What their Website: http://www.airtoniine.com has happened to himfherfus?" And that Conflict and distress Another place to check is the Institnte for unspeakable fear begins to creep in that ':I ~ Imago Relationship Therapy at 1-800-729· maybe you've made a mistake, are growth 1121, Website: http://WWWlmagotherapy.cor It is common in this stage to go through a process of grieving very similar to someone trying to happen! Stage IV: Transformation who has 10S' a loved one. What have you . In this stage you commit to becoming mon lost? Some of your illusions begin to die. intentional in your relationship instead of You are both burdened by urunet expectations reacting to one another. You practice the of yourself and the other. It sometimes feels Stage m & IV: Knowledge, Awareness and . skills you are learning about communication like love is dying. One or both of you might Transformation: stretching into new behaviors, creating keep trying to pretend that the disappoint- This is the stage in which you not only emotional safety, etc. You become partners ment, frustration, and hurt are not really recognize that there are some areas that can in the healing and growth of the relationship. there, or that you shouldn't be npset. You use improvement in your relationship, bot You hold in your mind and heart the vision 0 may try to explain things away. This is make a conscious commitment to do the the relationship you want and you work eacb called denial. work of transforming your relationship into day to make it a reality. Denial gives way to bargaining -- "If you one that is fulfilling for both of you. would just ... , then I wilL ... ' Anger and While one or both of yon may continne to Stage V: Real Love resentmeot may increase. Sometimes it feels feel anxious, confused. afraid. and may resist This is the stage of deep respect and as if yon are walking on eggshelJs. Certain making some of the changes, you do have-the appreciation of one another as separate and topics are avoided LiuIe things turn into power to strengthen and change your unique individuals. It is a stage of joy, great big things. Prostration and hurt builds relationship. This is the stage wbere you take passion, intimacy, happiness and having fun on both sides. charge as partners of the direction of your together. It is the stage of living out the Often there is conflict about issues like happiness as a couple. And you do that best vision of true partnership, unconditional love control, neatness, doing one's part, closeness by taking charge of your own behavior. You and safety, and of coming to see your partner or space, feeling unimportant or alone, etc .. start being the change you want to see. as your best friend. It is the stage of moving Wmning and being right becomes more In this stage you gain new information and toward the spiritnal potential of committed important than working together. You become insights aboot yourself, about your partner, relationship -- the journey toward whole- adversaries instead of partners, Freqnently and about the nature of marriage or relation- ness, the love in which you taste Divine one or both partners engage in blame, ship. You learn and practice new tools and Love. criticism. sarcasm, pot-downs. Demonstra- skills to help you move forward. Wbere do Know that this Real Love is possible for tions of love, respect, appreciation decline you get this infonnation and skills? you if you are both willing to do the work it and might even disappear. requires. If you need help, get it! Don't This stage can get to the point of despera- 1) Find a couple wbo has been happily throwaway your relationship because it fee" tion where you've tried everything you know married for 30 or more years and ask them uncomfortable or looks difficult. You will and it seems the only option is to get oot -- the secrets of their happiness and what they most likely only repeat the process in the nez temporarily or permanently. Separation or did to get tbrough the rough times. relationship. ( Certainly, if you 'are in a divorce seem to be the only options left. physically abusive relationship, you need to Too many couples give in to hopelessness 2) Read books that explain some of the protect yourself and your cbildren and there and despair at this stage, And often well- infonnation and tools. I highly recommend are many groups to help you.) But remem- meaning friends or family encourage you to the following: Getting the Love You Want by ber, most divorce does oot need to happen. get rid of your partner. Harville Hendrix. He also has other books You can make marriage a gift for yourself Other couples decide this must be what and tapes. Another is Fighting FOR Your and your partner. + marriage is, and try to just cope with it. Some Marriage by Howard Markman. stay together because of the kids, bot live in Both of these books help you understand @ Dawn Upthrott, LCSW, 2000, Winter Park, Florida. Used with permission by AIRT the same house discoonected from one some of what is going in your nJlationship members. Produced by the Association of another. and offer practical skills to help iChange it. Imago Relationship Therapy.