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THE DRAMA MAGAZINE FOR YOUNG PEOPLE NOVEMBER 2014
UPPER GRADES A Few Miles Away ...... Michael Weems 2 PThe Madmlan ofaArles. . . y...... s. . Craig Sodaro 6
DRAMATIZED CLASSIC (F OR UPPER GRADES ) The Adventure of the Speckled Band ...... Sir Arthur Conan Doyle 17 Adapted by Jerry Silva
MIDDLE AND LOWER GRADES Sufferin’ Suffrage...... Carol D. Wise 26 Backwoods Blues ...... Betty Tracy Huff 37 R.O.M.3.O and Julia...... Evan Baughfman 47 Unexpected Guests...... Aileen Fisher 54 The Grasshopper and the Ant...... Pat Lay Wilson 59 Mr. Potato-Head and the Potato Bugs . . .Kevin Stone 63 Terms of Use • Vol. 74, No. 2
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The drama magazine for young people What’s in this issPue. .l . ays For upper grades A Few Miles Away , by Michael Weems 2 male actors: 15 minutes. Two 20-somethings set out on a road trip to find the “per - fect girl” one of them met at a club. . .but then their car breaks down, they have no money for repairs, and common sense raises its ugly head. Maybe they'll start over if they can figure out where she actually lives.
The Madman of Arles , by Craig Sodaro 10 actors: 6 female, 4 male; 25 minutes. A picture of the life of artist Vincent Van Gogh during the brief period he lived in Arles, France.
The Adventure of the Speckled Band , by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, adapted by Jerry Silva 8 actors: 2 female, 6 male; 30 minutes. Sherlock Holmes and trusted sidekick Dr. Watson use their wits to solve a crime and save a young woman in grave danger. Middle & Lower Grades Sufferin’ Suffrage! , by Carol D. Wise 11 actors: 6 female, 5 male; 25 minutes. Hiding from the sheriff, bank robbers don women's clothing and attend a suffrage meeting with Susan B. Anthony.
Backwoods Blues , by Betty Tracy Huff 23+ actors: 7 female, 8 male, and 8+ male/female; 30 minutes. Mountain clans work to end their feud through a singing contest, record contract, and romance. Actors may sing and play instruments, or lip-sync to recorded music.
R.O.M.3.O. and Julia , by Evan Baughfman 20+ actors: 1 male, 1 female, 18 male/female and extras as desired; 15 minutes. Humans and robots struggle to live together peacefully and respectfully—with mixed results.
Unexpected Guests , by Aileen Fisher 12+ actors: 6 male, 6 female; 15 minutes. For the first Thanksgiving, Pilgrim cooks don’t count on quite so many extra mouths to feed.
The Grasshopper and the Ant , adapted by Pat Lay Wilson from Aesop’s Fables 16+ actors: 2 male, 2 female, and 12+ male/female; 15 minutes. Playing all day while ants, bees, and squirrels work hard to get ready for winter, Hopalong finds himself in big trouble when snow starts to fall, he has no place to go, and no food to eat.
Mr. Potato-Head and the Potato Bugs, by Kevin Stone 6 actors: male/female; 10 minutes. Mr. Potato-Head moves from toy to full size and potato bugs rearrange his face, only to have to apologize later. Lesson learned: apol - ogy offered in friendship should be appreciated and accepted.
NOVEMBER 2014 1 Upper Grades Plays is protected by U.S. copyright law. Only current subscribers may use this play (www.playsmagazine.com).
A Few Miles Away
A road trip to visit the perfect girl doesn’t go well. . . or does it? by Michael Weems
Characters you really just going to leave your car there? JEFF best friends, in their JEFF: What good is it to me? Flat tire 20s KEVIN and probably a busted drive belt. You got the money to fix those?
SETTING : A bare stage, representing an KEVIN : No. empty road. It’s dusty and quiet. JEFF: Me either. You can turn around AT RISE : JEFF and KEVIN are walking if you want to, you know. I’m still together. They look terrible—disheveled going. and tired. KEVIN stops periodically, turns around and tries to hitchhike. KEVIN : No.
JEFF: We’re not hitchhiking. JEFF: You’re so stubborn, you know that? KEVIN : Why not? KEVIN : Says the guy who’s walking JEFF: It’s dangerous. Besides, who’s across America to find his dream girl. going to pick us up? Look at you. JEFF: I’ve found her already. She just KEVIN (Challenging JEFF ): Look at happens to live on the other side of the you . country.
JEFF: Exactly. KEVIN : And you think I’m stubborn? Some random girl at a club kisses you. KEVIN (Finally agreeing ): Yeah, I know. Big deal! You can recreate that experi - We look awful. I wouldn’t pick either ence practically any night of the week. one of us up, either. ( Beat ) So. . .are
2 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com JEFF: You’re the one who’s walking with KEVIN : Right. What is it about Jessica, me to try to convince me otherwise. specifically? That makes you the stubborn one. JEFF: She’s special. It was my movie KEVIN : Tell you what. Double date moment. That day, you know. . .I was tonight. Me with Cara. You. . .( Thinks ) having a really bad day. You dragged what about Becky? me out to that club, I got something to drink, scoped the place out, put a song JEFF: She’s cute. on the jukebox, ( Shakes head ) and man. Started from the toes up—I saw KEVIN : Perfect. I’ll set it up. Let’s just those slender feet in her heels start to go back that way. ( Points ) move—like this irresistible force was just coming up from the ground. Her JEFF: She’s no Jessica, though. legs—her hips—her arms. Then from across the room I see her eyes trained KEVIN : Dude, come on! on me—like guided missiles. It must’ve taken us hours to part the crowd and JEFF: She’s all I can see. get around to each other and when we did. . .it was glorious. KEVIN : Listen, a sane person might’ve gotten a job, saved up a few bucks, KEVIN : I was there that night too, you flown there. know.
JEFF: Time was imperative. What if JEFF: So you get it. That feeling. she found someone else in that time? It’d take months to earn enough money KEVIN : No. I saw you two stumble over for a ticket. to each other and start to make out like teenagers. KEVIN : You could ask your parents. JEFF: Subtleties, man. JEFF (Stonily ): George and Betty are no longer in my life. KEVIN : Sure. I’m not changing your mind, am I? KEVIN : By your choice, not theirs. JEFF: Nope. JEFF: Whatever. KEVIN : Great. KEVIN : She’s just one girl. You’ve seen hotter. JEFF: How far do you think we’ve come along? JEFF: Of course. KEVIN : Your car lasted longer than I KEVIN : Dude, Becky’s family is loaded. expected. I’d say maybe a hundred You wouldn’t have to lift a thumb. miles or so. You’d be her project. JEFF: Damn. JEFF: Nah. KEVIN : ( Sarcastically ): But hey. . .she’ll KEVIN : Then why her? Why this— wait for you.
JEFF: Jessica. JEFF: Shut up. ( Testily ) It’s not like I have options here!
NOVEMBER 2014 3 KEVIN : George and Betty— JEFF: How can you say that? We’re stranded. It’s getting dark out. My car JEFF: I told you before: Not an option. is dead.
KEVIN : Then we’d better start walking KEVIN : Remember that gas station again. ( Sarcastically ) Might get there right before the state line? by Christmas. ( KEVIN starts to walk. JEFF doesn’t. ) JEFF: Yeah.
JEFF: (Suddenly ): I’m an idiot. KEVIN : I called your Dad. Told him the route. ( JEFF starts walking. ) KEVIN : No, this was a well-thought-out plan. JEFF (Angrily ): What the heck did you do that for? JEFF: I’m such an idiot. KEVIN : He thought it was romantic! He KEVIN : What do you want me to say? said he would’ve bought us both plane This was a great idea? I couldn’t leave tickets! you alone on this trek. The odds of you getting abducted or lost or hypother - JEFF: Where’s the honor in that? mia kind of seem a little too high. Friends don’t let friends walk across KEVIN : Is your tail not tucked between the country by themselves. your legs right now?
JEFF: I didn’t think my car was going to JEFF: I tried! die. KEVIN : If you really loved this girl, KEVIN : How much gas money did you you’d be able to overlook your ego. have? JEFF: You don’t get it. JEFF: Another hundred bucks or so. KEVIN : I do! There’s nobility in wanting KEVIN : That might’ve gotten us across to do this by yourself. You tried, but another state or two. What then? our resources were absurdly limited. Does that change your intentions? JEFF: I hadn’t gotten that far. Does that make you want this girl any less? KEVIN : Want to go home? JEFF (Reluctant ): No— JEFF: No. KEVIN : It’ll make for a good story. And KEVIN : Want to keep walking? an adventure for us. Yeah, it’s not our proudest moment, but let’s just go. JEFF: No. JEFF: O.K. KEVIN : Well, we can’t just sit here. We need a plan. KEVIN : Really? ’Cause I’m really sick of walking. JEFF: I’m all out of plans. It wasn’t meant to be. JEFF: Me too.
KEVIN : We’ll be fine. KEVIN (Patting JEFF on the back ):
4 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com Nice try. You almost had it, buddy.
JEFF: Thanks. What now?
KEVIN : I’m sure your Dad will be here soon. We spend the night at their place. Tell them your story. Hop on a plane and find this girl.
JEFF: Sounds good. Thanks for having some common sense.
KEVIN : Of course. That’s why you keep me around.
JEFF: It’s the only reason.
KEVIN : So where in Massachusetts does this girl live?
JEFF: Boston.
KEVIN (After a beat ): O.K. Where in Boston?
JEFF (Shrugging and smiling ): Adventure, right?
KEVIN : Oh, man, you’ve gotta be kid - ding me. ( They sit. Lights go out. )
THE END
PRODUCTION NOTES A Few Miles Away
CHARACTERS : 2 male. PLAYING TIME : 15 minutes. COSTUMES : Modern clothes, somewhat disheveled. PROPERTIES : None. SETTING : Bare stage representing empty road. LIGHTING and SOUND : No special effects.
NOVEMBER 2014 5 Upper & Middle Grades Plays is protected by U.S. copyright law. Only current subscribers may use this play (www.playsmagazine.com). The Madman of Arles As a grandmother moves to sell one of Vincent van Gogh’s paintings to pay for her granddaughter’s edu - cation, a brief picture of the artist’s life emerges. . . . by Craig Sodaro
Characters AT RISE : OLD ELISE sits in rocking chair, her legs covered with a throw. OLD ELISE BISSET, an old lady Hidden under throw, she holds a small canvas wrapped in white cloth. She CHARLOTTE, her grandniece, 18 seems to be asleep. After a moment, ELISE, as a girl of 12 CHARLOTTE enters right. She moves quietly to OLD ELISE. LOUISE, her friend, also 12 PAUL CHARLOTTE (Almost a whisper ): Aunt village boys, Elise? Aunt Elise? ( CHARLOTTE MICHEL about 13 shrugs, then starts to exit right .) PREFECT OLD ELISE : Where are you going, dear? OF POLICE (CHARLOTTE stops, turns back .) MADAME BISSET, Elise’s grand - CHARLOTTE : I thought you were asleep. mother OLD ELISE MADAME RICHELIEU, a villager : No, no, just dreaming. THE ARTIST CHARLOTTE : Sorry if I woke you.
TIME : 1952 and 1888. OLD ELISE : We don’t have to be asleep to dream. And how are you, Charlotte? SETTING : Split stage: Down left is a nursing home room, with small rock - CHARLOTTE : Oh, I’m fine. I really am. ing chair and a short stool next to it. Center is the village of Arles, France, OLD ELISE : Don’t lie to your great aunt. with a stone wall with room for actors If you’re fine I’m twenty-two and can to hide behind, a street lamp, and a few still dance a soft shoe. bushes here and there. Down right is a field outside Arles. An easel with can - CHARLOTTE : Don’t be silly. Of course vas may be preset or brought on as I’m fine. Why shouldn’t I be? desired. When action moves from one part of the stage to another, lights come OLD ELISE : Your mother wrote me. up or go down, accordingly.
6 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com CHARLOTTE (Covering ): She. . .she I can’t think of any better use for it. always writes to you. (She hands CHARLOTTE the canvas .)
OLD ELISE : Yes, but she mentioned that CHARLOTTE (Frowning ): A. . .a paint - you’ve had a disappointment. ing? I don’t understand.
CHARLOTTE : Is that why you asked me OLD ELISE : Look closely, my child. to stop by, Aunt Elise? (CHARLOTTE unwraps painting, then gasps .) OLD ELISE (Concerned ): Are you all right? CHARLOTTE : Is it. . .is it. . .real?
CHARLOTTE : If you’re worried about me OLD ELISE (Smiling ): Of course it’s real. getting all sad and weepy, don’t. I’m done with that. The Art Academy will CHARLOTTE : But. . .how? just be missing out, that’s all. OLD ELISE : It was so many years ago. I OLD ELISE : But, my dear, you have was a young girl—perhaps twelve, such talent! What you can bring to life thirteen—growing up in a village in with a brush on a canvas! With the the south of France. The village was finest training, you might be another Arles. It was summer, 1888. ( Lights go Picasso. down on OLD ELISE and CHAR - LOTTE, and come up center. PAUL CHARLOTTE : That’s why I love you, and MICHEL run on right, downstage Aunt Elise. You see the world through of the fence .) rose-colored glasses. PAUL : You think he’ll come by? OLD ELISE : Not at all, Charlotte. I have seen the harsh realities of the world. MICHEL : You mean stagger by? ( PAUL imitates a very sloppy way of walking .) CHARLOTTE : Well, the harsh reality is Oui , that’s it! Of course he’ll walk this that we simply can’t scrape together way. He always does! enough money for me to attend the Academy, even with the scholarship PAUL : Carrying all his paint and brush - they’ve offered. I’ll find another school, es and canvases. and I’ll be very happy to give Picasso a run for his money. ( There is a pause .) MICHEL : And dropping his junk every - where! ( They laugh. ) OLD ELISE : Many, many years ago when I was a girl—and I should add a PAUL : My father says he used to be a third “many” to that list—a man gave pirate and he’s living off all the gold he me something and told me he hoped it stole. would bring me joy. It has brought me joy even in the darkest hours of my life. MICHEL : You think that’s true? And now, my dear Charlotte, I am going to use it for you. I have arranged PAUL : And he got hit in the head and for you to attend the Academy— that’s why he always talks to himself.
CHARLOTTE : But Aunt Elise, I know MICHEL : You think that would do it? you don’t have money to spend on me. PAUL : I just wonder how many people OLD ELISE : My dear, I have this. . .and he killed while he was a pirate.
NOVEMBER 2014 7 MICHEL : Probably hundreds! ELISE : I’m going to help him.
PAUL : My sister’s so afraid of him she LOUISE (Holding her back ): You can’t! won’t go within five blocks of the He’ll grab you and throw you into an Yellow House. oven!
MICHEL : I never walk by that place, PAUL : Nuts to him! ( PAUL picks up either. What if he came out and stone and hurls it off left .) grabbed us and dragged us inside? (ELISE and LOUISE enter left. ) MICHEL : You knocked his hat off! (MICHEL throws a stone .) I missed. PAUL : Well, look who’s here! LOUISE : Can I try? LOUISE : Bonjour , Paul. You, too, Michel. PAUL : He’s running away pretty fast!
MICHEL : What are you two doing? MICHEL : Oui ! Girls can’t hit the broad side of a barn! ELISE : We’re going to buy some thread. Cecile needs a spool of. . .what’s that LOUISE : Oh, can’t we? ( LOUISE hurls color, Louise? stone off left .)
LOUISE : Crimson. ( To PAUL and ELISE (Upset ): Louise! Stop! MICHEL ) What are you two up to? PAUL : You hit his back! ( PAUL, PAUL : We’re just about to have a bit of LOUISE, and MICHEL laugh and fun. stand just as MADAME BISSET enters right .) MICHEL : Want to join us? MADAME BISSET : What is so funny, LOUISE : What kind of fun? children?
PAUL (Looking off left ): Here he comes! ELISE (Shocked, as she stands ): Quick! Hide! Grandmere! What are you doing here?
ELISE : Who’s coming? MADAME BISSET : I just picked up a brooch at the jewelers. And I ask MICHEL : Monsieur Fou! again, what are you four up to?
LOUISE (Laughing ): Hide, Elise! PAUL : Just having fun, ma’am.
ELISE : But, Louise—( PAUL, MICHEL, MADAME BISSET : At the expense of LOUISE, and ELISE hide behind the that madman who lives in the Yellow stone fence. They peek out as they speak House? the following lines. ) MICHEL : We didn’t hurt him or any - PAUL (Glancing slowly left to right ): thing. Look at him! MADAME BISSET : Stay away from him. MICHEL : He’s faster than usual! He’s dangerous. Now go home, all of you! ( PAUL and MICHEL exit right .) LOUISE : Look! Dropped his easel! Elise, did you get the thread?
8 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com ELISE : Not yet, Grandmere. LOUISE (Mock horror ): Where did you get those? MADAME BISSET : Then you’d better fetch it. Cecile needs it for her mend - MICHEL : These belong to Monsieur Fou. ing. ELISE : Did you. . .did you. . .go into his LOUISE : I’ll see you later, Elise. house? (LOUISE exits left. ) PAUL : Why not? He leaves his windows ELISE : Grandmere, do you really think wide open. that man is dangerous? LOUISE : Oh, my goodness! He wasn’t MADAME BISSET : There’s a good deal of there, was he? talk, Elise. Just stay away from him. Now, go, fetch the thread! MICHEL (Proudly ): Oh, wasn’t he?
ELISE : Oui , Aunt Mathilde. ( ELISE PAUL : He was asleep in the next room! exits right as MADAME BISSET looks off in distance .) LOUISE : I don’t believe you.
MADAME BISSET : Monsieur Fou! Even ELISE : You’d never know he was there the children see through you! ( Shaking if he was in another room sleeping. head, MADAME BISSET exits left .) MICHEL : Oh, no? He was snoring like OLD ELISE : That summer it seemed an old locomotive! everyone talked about the madman, and Paul and Michel were a constant LOUISE : Weren’t you afraid? thorn in his side. ( PAUL and MICHEL sneak on left. MICHEL carries a hand - PAUL (With bravado ): Naaa. . . ful of artist’s brushes. Laughing, the boys sit downstage of the fence .) MICHEL (Bragging ): There were two of us and one of him! LOUISE (Entering right ): I wonder who that can be. Any ideas, Elise? ELISE : So what are you going to do with the brushes? ELISE : A couple of hyenas? PAUL : I dunno. PAUL (Popping up ): A couple of bril - liant cat burglars! LOUISE : Maybe whatever he’s got is catching. ( MICHEL drops brushes. ) LOUISE (Sarcastically ): Oh, Elise! They’ve brought us diamonds, emer - MICHEL : I never thought of that! alds, and rubies! ELISE : You can’t catch being a pirate. ELISE : How lovely! LOUISE : I thought you weren’t scared. MICHEL : We’ve got something better. MICHEL (Picking up brushes ): Can’t LOUISE : What could be better? you take a joke? I was just fooling!
PAUL : Ta-da! ( MICHEL holds out the PAUL : You two wouldn’t even go within handful of brushes. ) five blocks of his house, so there!
NOVEMBER 2014 9 LOUISE : Never said I’d want to! ( An PREFECT : What can it be this time? You anguished scream is heard. ) have not been troubling him, have you?
ELISE : Oh, my gosh! PAUL : Oh, no, sir.
LOUISE : Is that him? MICHEL : We stay away from him.
PAUL : Must’ve woken up. LOUISE : He’s a pirate, you know.
MICHEL : I guess he saw his brushes PREFECT : Hm-m-m. He calls himself an were gone. artist. Now, tell me. . .what have you behind your back? PAUL : Maybe he’s just having a night - mare. MICHEL : Nothing, Monsieur Prefect.
MICHEL : Or maybe some other pirates PREFECT (Knowingly ): Oh, I under - broke in and want some of their dou - stand. . .flowers for the lady. Well, I bloons back! ( PREFECT OF POLICE must find out what the trouble is. And enters right, quickly .) you, do not stay out too late.
PREFECT : Well, well, well! ( MICHEL PAUL : We won’t, sir. hides brushes behind his back .) PREFECT : Ah, young love! Ooh la la! PAUL : Monsieur Prefect! (MADAME BISSET and MADAME RICHELIEU enter right .) PREFECT : And what are such young people doing out at this time of night? MADAME RICHELIEU : That was the most beautiful concerto. LOUISE : These boys sent us a message to meet them here. MADAME BISSET (Noticing children ): Elise! What are you doing out here at PREFECT : Is that so? night?
MICHEL : Well, sure. MADAME RICHELIEU : And with the police! PREFECT : Ah. . .young love! PREFECT : Mesdames , do not trouble PAUL (Disgusted ): I never thought of yourselves. Everything is quite all that. right.
ELISE : Yuck! MADAME BISSET : My granddaughter is supposed to be at home, reading! PREFECT : You say “Yuck,” but you are here, no? ELISE : Sorry, Grandmere.
ELISE : Well, yes, but— PREFECT : My dear ladies, one must not stand in the way of young love. PREFECT : But? ( Another anguished cry ) MADAME RICHELIEU : Young love? MICHEL : I think Monsieur Fou is going cuckoo again! MADAME BISSET : Surely you jest!
10 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com PREFECT : But, ladies, the young man, MADAME BISSET : Come along, Elise! he hides flowers behind his back! And Louise, I’m certain your mother is wondering where you are—even if it is ARTIST (Off left ): Prefect! I’ve been a summer night. robbed! I’ve been robbed! My brushes! LOUISE : Bon soir , Elise. See you tomor - MADAME RICHELIEU : Who is that? row. ( ELISE starts to exit right, but turns back to look at the boys. ) It would PAUL : Monsieur Fou! be nice if a couple of gentlemen would walk me home. MICHEL : He always yells like that. PAUL : I don’t see any gentlemen. MADAME BISSET : Prefect, can’t you do something about him? MICHEL : But we’ll be happy to oblige. (He thrusts brushes at ELISE. ) Here, MADAME RICHELIEU : He frightens Elise. You forgot these. everyone. The way he stalks around and stares at everything. ELISE (Protesting ): They’re not— (MICHEL, PAUL, and LOUISE run off MADAME BISSET : And mutters to him - right .) self. MADAME BISSET : What are those MADAME RICHELIEU : It’s as if he shuts brushes? the world out. He doesn’t even watch where he’s going. ELISE : Michel. . .he and Paul. . .
PAUL : My father says he’s a pirate. MADAME BISSET : They’re artist’s brushes. They belong to that—that dis - MICHEL : And some other pirates reputable vagabond, don’t they? knocked his brain about. ELISE : I. . .I don’t know, Grandmere. LOUISE : And now he’s completely crazy! They aren’t mine! Michel. . .he. . .found them. He and Paul found them along ELISE : But don’t you feel sorry for him? the road and they picked them up. I He can’t seem to help himself. think Monsieur Fou might have dropped them. MADAME BISSET : Elise, this man has made himself unwelcome in Arles. He MADAME BISSET : Put them down doesn’t need any pity from you. He just immediately! needs a strong invitation from Monsieur le Prefect to leave Arles MADAME RICHELIEU : They may be dis - immediately! eased!
PREFECT : But Madame Bisset. . . ELISE : But he must need his brushes. I’ll go put them by his door. MADAME RICHELIEU : I agree whole - heartedly! MADAME BISSET : You’ll do no such thing! Drop them! ( ELISE still holds PREFECT : Please excuse me, but I must brushes. ) Elise! Did you hear me? find out what the man was yelling about before he causes any more trou - ELISE : Oui , Grandmere. ( ELISE reluc - ble. ( PREFECT exits left. ) tantly sets brushes down .)
NOVEMBER 2014 11 MADAME BISSET : Now, come along! MICHEL : I didn’t steal anything. He. . . he dropped them. MADAME RICHELIEU : We must do something about that man. And I PAUL : She wouldn’t take them back to think I know exactly what it is! ( MES - him, would she? DAMES BISSET and RICHELIEU exit left. ELISE hangs behind, then LOUISE : I’m sure she’d be too scared! picks up a brush or two, hides them in her pocket, and exits left .) MICHEL : I would be. I mean, who knows what he’d do—especially if he OLD ELISE : Madame Richelieu always thought she’d stolen them in the first seemed to know just what to do. Her place. ( Quickly ) Not that anybody stole husband owned a grainery and an olive them. I mean, found them. oil factory, and was the wealthiest man in Arles. He advised the mayor and the LOUISE : Oh, Michel, stop lying. You city council on everything and stole them. I don’t know how, but you Madame Richelieu advised her hus - stole them. I can’t see you getting with - band on how to advise everyone else. in twenty feet of Monsieur Fou, but you stole them! CHARLOTTE : But you had the brushes, didn’t you? PAUL : You want to know how?
OLD ELISE : I did. I hid them that night MICHEL : Shut up, Paul! while I tried to decide what to do with them. Should I throw them away? PAUL : Michel slipped into the Yellow Should I set them by the door of the House through an open window! Yellow House? Or hand them to the madman and risk who knows what? MICHEL : I told you to shut up!
CHARLOTTE : I think I know what you PAUL : He heard the madman snoring, did. ( LOUISE, PAUL, and MICHEL and—( MICHEL dives for PAUL and enter center .) drags him to the ground. They scuffle. )
PAUL : What do you mean you haven’t LOUISE : Stop it! Stop it! seen her? MICHEL : I told you to shut up! LOUISE : Well, I did see her, but she was picking flowers in the field. PAUL : But it’s true! It’s true! ( PRE - FECT enters right. ) MICHEL : Then why are you worried? PREFECT : What’s this? Stop it, you two! LOUISE : I asked her if she wanted to go (He separates PAUL and MICHEL .) to the candy shop and she said no. She Stop it, I say! Get up! Look at the two had an errand to do. of you! ( PAUL and MICHEL rise. ) What will people think? And what PAUL : An errand? Only grown-ups do would your parents say if I tell them I errands. had to throw you in jail for fighting?
LOUISE : I know. And I thought I saw in PAUL : He started it! her apron pocket one or two of those brushes you stole from the madman. MICHEL : It’s all your fault!
12 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com PREFECT : What’s this all about? (PAUL PREFECT : Good. If that is what the peo - and MICHEL glare at one another .) ple want, I will sign it too. Well? PAUL : But that won’t do Elise any good! PAUL : Nothing. MADAME BISSET : What do you know MICHEL : Oui . Nothing. about this, Paul?
PREFECT : You fight about nothing? PAUL : Well, I—don’t know anything. What are you, a couple of tomcats pro - tecting territory? ( MESDAMES BIS - PREFECT : Yes, you do, or you wouldn’t SET and RICHELIEU enter left .) have said anything.
MADAME BISSET : Prefect! You must MADAME RICHELIEU : Speak up, boy, or help me! My granddaughter is missing. your parents will hear about this!
PREFECT : Little Elise? LOUISE (Blurting it out ): Elise might be trying to find Monsieur Fou! MADAME BISSET : Oui ! She was wash - ing the breakfast dishes while I took MADAME BISSET : What? Why? some soup to Madame Delacroix. When I returned, she was gone. PAUL : Because Michel stole some of his brushes. PREFECT (Shrugging ): She probably went off to visit a friend. MICHEL : I didn’t steal them. I found them! LOUISE : She didn’t come to my house, Madame Bisset, but I saw her. PREFECT : And Elise is returning them?
MADAME BISSET : Where? LOUISE : Maybe.
LOUISE : On the ridge picking flowers. MADAME BISSET (Upset ): Oh, no! There’s no telling what he’ll do! MADAME RICHELIEU : It’s dangerous for her to be wandering in the fields alone. MADAME RICHELIEU : If he thinks she took them— MADAME BISSET : He’s always up there somewhere. MADAME BISSET : Oh, dear. Where can they be? PREFECT : Hm-m-m. . .she wouldn’t go near him, would she? PREFECT (To LOUISE ): Where did you say you saw Elise? MADAME BISSET : I’ve warned her. LOUISE : Up on the ridge. MADAME RICHELIEU : But we won’t have to worry too much longer. I have writ - MADAME BISSET : Oh, no! Hurry! We ten a petition to have him thrown out of might be too late! ( All race off left. ) town. We don’t need his kind here. We don’t need anyone who’s crazy! OLD ELISE : Louise told me what had happened and the ridiculous conclu - MADAME BISSET : We have twenty sig - sions they all jumped to while I was up natures already. on the ridge looking for Monsieur Fou.
NOVEMBER 2014 13 CHARLOTTE : You must have found him. understand life when I have a brush in my hand. OLD ELISE : Oh, I did. ( Pleased with the memory ) I did. ( ARTIST stands near ELISE : Will these do? ( ELISE pulls easel. He dabs his brush on palette and brushes from the bouquet .) paints. ELISE, with a bouquet of sun - flowers, enters right, behind him .) ARTIST (Happily ): Oh! Where did you find them? ARTIST (To himself ): Ah, yes, the shad - ows are just right. They bring out all ELISE : Oh. . .lying here and there. the shapes of that tree trunk. A mag - nificent specimen! How it bends and ARTIST : I drop things. I can’t help it. I twists its way to the sky. ( ELISE clears get so excited when I find a spot to her throat .) ( ARTIST turns quickly. paint, I. . .( Shrugs ) I drop things. ELISE is startled .) Who are you? ELISE : It must be wonderful to be an ELISE : Elise Bisset. How do you do? artist.
ARTIST : Why, very well today, thank ARTIST : It is if you like starving. If you you. I was not so good yesterday. like being cold. If you like being made Someone stole some of my brushes. Just fun of. the ones I needed. That makes me sad. ELISE : But someday people will say, oh, ELISE : Are you sad now? he’s such a great painter!
ARTIST : No. The tree trunk there, you ARTIST : Or was such a great painter. see it? It has such a fine shape and so many details, I can’t help but enjoy it. ELISE : I think your paintings are splen - did! It’s as if you speak through colors. ELISE : I’m glad. ( She holds out the flow - (After a pause ) I should be going. My ers. ) These. . .these are for you. grandmere will be angry with me for coming up here. ARTIST (Suspiciously ): Why? ARTIST : Then go. ( A pause ) What are ELISE : I thought they were quite beau - you waiting for? tiful. I think they would make a nice picture. ELISE : You didn’t say thank you.
ARTIST : I think you are right. Why ARTIST (Smiling suddenly ): Forgive my aren’t you afraid of me? bad manners. Thank you, Elise Bisset. And, here, this is for you. ( He hands ELISE : Should I be? her a small canvas the same size as the one CHARLOTTE is holding .) ARTIST : Perhaps. Sometimes I’m afraid of myself. ELISE : Oh, you don’t have to give me anything, monsieur . ELISE : But I like your paintings. I’ve seen them from afar. And you do so ARTIST : It’s the least I can do. You said many! You never stop. you like my paintings. And you have made me happy today. Perhaps this ARTIST : Only when I paint am I not will make you happy someday. afraid. Painting makes me happy. I
14 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com ELISE : Really? Oh, it’s beautiful! I’ll RICHELIEU. PREFECT picks up can - keep it always! ( PREFECT, MES - vas lying on ground, looks at it, grunts .) DAMES BISSET and RICHELIEU enter right .) PREFECT : Monsieur Fou, this stuff will never bring you a dime! ( PREFECT MADAME BISSET : Elise! laughs, exits right as ARTIST contin - ues to sketch for a moment, then exits. ) ELISE : Grandmere! OLD ELISE : And the Prefect was almost PREFECT : Stand away from her, you right. Poor Monsieur Fou sold only one crazy fool! painting while he was alive.
ARTIST : I have done nothing. CHARLOTTE : But then—
MADAME BISSET : Elise, what are you OLD ELISE : Yes, he was a bit before his doing up here? time. And when his time came every - body knew him. ELISE : I. . .I brought some flowers for monsieur to paint. CHARLOTTE : But not like you.
MADAME BISSET : He can find his own OLD ELISE : No. I knew him just for a flowers. In some other village! moment as he was. He suffered from sickness, but found happiness in his PREFECT : I must warn you, sir, that painting. And this painting will bring there is a petition to run you out of you happiness. town. CHARLOTTE : Oh, Aunt Elise, you can’t MADAME RICHELIEU : We’re sick of you sell it. staggering about, muttering to your - self, bothering people, and all those OLD ELISE : Of course I can. It will be ridiculous paintings! auctioned next week, and what comes from the auction will pay the Academy. ELISE : I think they’re beautiful. No arguments.
MADAME BISSET : They’re childish, and CHARLOTTE : And you’ve had it all these half the times you can’t even tell what years? they’re a painting of. OLD ELISE : In my room, above my desk. ARTIST : I paint what I feel, madam. I paint to forget. CHARLOTTE : Yes! I remember it. But your books and lamps must have cov - PREFECT : Then you might want to for - ered up the signature. get Arles. Find another place to do your crazy pictures. OLD ELISE : I didn’t want everyone to know it was an original. After all, MADAME BISSET : Come along, Elise! thieves would hit the jackpot with a genuine Vincent Van Gogh. ( Curtain ) MADAME RICHELIEU : Good riddance to THE END bad rubbish! ELISE : Au revoir , monsieur . ( ARTIST (Historical Note and Production Notes bows as MADAME BISSET ushers on page next page ) ELISE off right, followed by MADAME
NOVEMBER 2014 15 HISTORICAL NOTES Artist Vincent Van Gogh lived in a yellow house in Arles in 1888, part of the time with artist Paul Gaugin. He and Gaugin fought over their different artistic styles, prompting Gaugin to leave, after which Van Gogh was plunged into depression. During this period the townspeople made fun of him because he had a funny way of walking, talked to himself, and had trouble controlling his tem - per. Children, in particular, mocked him, worsening his already weak self- esteem. Eventually the townspeople did write and sign a petition to force him from the village and he moved on. In letters he claimed that the only time when he was truly happy was when he was painting, which probably accounts for the more than 2,000 of his paintings still in existence.
PRODUCTION NOTES The Madman of Arles (Play on pages 6-15 ) CHARACTERS : 6 female, 4 male. actual painting. PLAYING TIME : 25 minutes. SETTING : Since the play moves without COSTUMES : Late 19th-century dress. interruption, there are three playing Paul and Michel, long-sleeve shirts areas. Down left is Old Elise’s nursing with suspenders and dark pants. home room, with small rocking chair Louise and Elise, ankle-length dresses. and short stool next to it. At center is Mesdames Bisset and Richelieu, long the village of Arles, France—a stone dresses and shawls. Prefect, blue coat wall with room for actors to hide with silver buttons, belt holding night - behind, a few bushes here and there, stick, and hat. Modern dress for perhaps a street lamp. Down right is a Charlotte and Old Elise. field outside Arles, where An easel with PROPERTIES : Throw blanket; small can - canvas may be preset or brought on as vas painting wrapped in a cloth; small desired. stones; handful of artist’s brushes; bou - LIGHTING : Lights up and down to indi - quet of sunflowers; palatte of paint; cate scene changes. identical small canvas wrapped in cloth SOUND : Anguished screams offstage. as above. Note: we do not ever see the
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16 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com Plays is protected by U.S. Dramatized Classic (Upper Grades) copyright law. Only current subscribers may use this play
The Adventure of the Speckled Band
A classic Sherlock Holmes mystery: The famous detective and Dr. Watson use their wits to solve a crime and protect a young woman in grave danger . . . .
by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Adapted by Jerry Silva
two chairs. There is a bell pull near the Characters bed, and a ventilator near the top of the bell pull. JULIA STONER HELEN STONER, her sister AT RISE : The room is dark. JULIA STONER is in bed. There is a hissing DR. GRIMESBY ROYLOT, their sound, and she bolts upright in bed. stepfather JULIA : What’s that? Is anyone there? INSPECTOR LESTRADE (Suddenly she screams, and jumps out LIEUTENANT KELLY of bed. She yells .) The speckled band! DR. BURNWELL The speckled band! ( She staggers a few steps and collapses. A soft but high- SHERLOCK HOLMES pitched whistle is heard, then the DR. WATSON clanging of metal on metal. Curtain ) * * * TIME : A short while later. SCENE 1 TIME : 1874 . SETTING : Same, except room is well lighted. SETTING : A bedroom, appropriately fur - nished with bed, night table, and AT RISE : JULIA still lies on floor, cov -
NOVEMBER 2014 17 ered by sheet. HELEN is seated on bed, HELEN : My stepfather, Dr. Grimesby weeping into handkerchief. INSPEC - Roylott, and I, and ( Starts crying ). . . TOR LESTRADE and DR. BURN - Julia. WELL stand center, talking. LESTRADE : Now, just a few more ques - LESTRADE : Dr. Burnwell, can you deter - tions. ( Pauses ) You said you heard a mine the cause of Miss Stoner’s death? whistle last night after you heard your sister scream. What did it sound like? BURNWELL : I’m afraid not, Inspector. I can’t find a mark on the body. Not a HELEN : It was an unusual sound. Very hint of illness, either. It’s a puzzle. high-pitched. In fact, I have heard it the last few nights. It puzzled me, but LESTRADE : If there are no other indica - I could not determine its cause. tions, could she have been poisoned? LESTRADE : How about the metallic BURNWELL : Possibly, but she has none sound you mentioned? Are you sure of the outward signs of poisoning. I you heard it? Can you describe it? can’t be sure until we see the results of the autopsy. HELEN : Yes, I’m sure. It sounded like metal hitting metal. LESTRADE (Turning to HELEN; in com - forting tone ): Easy, my dear, take it LESTRADE : What do you suppose Julia easy. I must ask you a few questions meant by “the speckled band”? for the record, if you don’t mind. ( Takes out small notebook and pencil ) HELEN : I really can’t imagine. ( LIEU - TENANT KELLY enters .) HELEN (Composing herself ): All right. Go ahead, if you must. LESTRADE (To KELLY ): Just a minute, Lieutenant Kelly. ( To HELEN ) All LESTRADE : I know this is difficult for right, Miss Stoner, you may leave. you. I’ll be brief. What is your full Thank you for your help. And again, name? ( Takes notes as he interviews my condolences. ( HELEN exits .) HELEN ) BURNWELL : There’s nothing more I can HELEN : Helen Margaret Stoner. do here, Lestrade. I’ll let you know if there’s any evidence of poisoning. . . LESTRADE : Your age? though at this point, it doesn’t look like it. HELEN : Twenty. LESTRADE : Very well, Dr. Burnwell. LESTRADE : And your sister’s full name Keep me informed. Good day. was . . .? BURNWELL : Good day. ( BURNWELL HELEN : Julia Jean Stoner. exits. )
LESTRADE : Her age? LESTRADE (Crossing to chair and sit - ting ): Well, Lieutenant, what’s your HELEN : Twenty, also. We were twins. report?
LESTRADE : How many people live in KELLY : I’ve gone over this room inside this house? and out with a fine-toothed comb, and I can find absolutely no evidence to
18 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com support a crime. The windows were all LESTRADE : None, none that I can see. locked, the door was locked, and the We have no evidence of a crime, no key was still in the lock on the inside. cause of death, no motive for murder, and no suspects. LESTRADE : Yes, I know. When I first arrived I had to break the lock on the KELLY : Do you think we should advise door to get in. the victim’s sister to call him in, sir?
KELLY : It is my opinion that Miss LESTRADE : By “him” you can mean only Stoner had to have been alone all one man. night. KELLY : Yes, she must call in. . . LESTRADE : A healthy 20-year-old (LESTRADE and KELLY turn to face woman doesn’t just die. the audience. )
KELLY : Maybe she died from fright, sir, LESTRADE and KELLY (Together ): pure and simple. Sherlock Holmes. ( Curtain ) * * * LESTRADE : From fright? What could SCENE 2 she have been so afraid of? SETTING : Sherlock Holmes’s office, appropriately furnished with desk, KELLY : I don’t know, sir. However, I did chairs, and armchairs of the Victorian notice a band of travelers down the period. There is a fireplace on back - road about a mile. drop.
LESTRADE : And? AT RISE : HOLMES is sitting in arm - chair, reading a newspaper. There is a KELLY : Well, some were wearing spot - knock at the door. ted handkerchiefs around their heads. Perhaps that is what Miss Stoner HOLMES : Come in. ( HELEN enters. meant when she cried “the speckled HOLMES rises, extends his hand .) band.” Good morning. Miss Stoner, I pre - sume? LESTRADE : Yes, it’s possible. But you did say spotted, and Miss Stoner clear - HELEN (Shaking his hand ): Yes. ly said speckled. HOLMES : Sherlock Holmes. Inspector KELLY : Well, anyway, one of them may Lestrade informed me that you would have come to the house to steal, and be coming. ( Indicating chair ) Please sit she may have seen him by the window. down. Would you like a cup of hot tea? I see that you are shivering. LESTRADE : And, it frightened her to death? HELEN (Sitting ): It is not cold that makes me shiver. . . . KELLY : Yes. HOLMES : What, then? LESTRADE : That is one theory, but I think we have to keep looking. A young HELEN : It is fear, Mr. Holmes. It is ter - heart is not going to stop out of fright. ror.
KELLY : What should we do? What leads HOLMES : Now, you must not fear. are there to follow? Matters shall soon be set right, I have
NOVEMBER 2014 19 no doubt. You have come in by train HELEN : I am living with my stepfather, this morning, I see. Dr. Grimesby Roylott, who is the last survivor of one of the oldest families in HELEN (Puzzled ): I have, but how do England—the Roylotts of Stoke Moran. you know that? HOLMES : Yes, I am familiar with the HOLMES : I observed the second half of name. The family was at one time one a return ticket in the palm of your left of the richest in England, was it not? glove. You must have started early, and yet you had a good drive in a dog- HELEN : Yes, that’s right. However, cart, along heavy roads, before you their fortune was squandered in the reached the station. last century by the few remaining heirs. My stepfather was left practical - HELEN (Staring at HOLMES ): But how... ly penniless, but was able to earn a medical degree. He then went to HOLMES : The left arm of your jacket is Calcutta to practice. spattered with mud in no fewer than seven places. The marks are relatively HOLMES : Was he successful in India? fresh. There is no vehicle but a dog- cart that throws up mud in that way HELEN : For a while. There were some and then only when one sits on the left- robberies in his house and he suspected hand side of the driver. his butler of the crimes. He confronted the man, and in a fit of rage, he beat HELEN : Whatever your reasoning may him to death. As you can imagine, my be, you are perfectly correct. ( DR. stepfather was tried in court and sen - WATSON enters. ) tenced to many years in prison. Upon his release, he returned to England, a WATSON : Oh, excuse me, Holmes. I disappointed and bitter man. didn’t realize that you were with some - one. My apologies. ( Turns to leave ) HOLMES : When did he marry your mother? HOLMES : No, come in, come in. Miss Stoner, this is my good friend and asso - HELEN : While he was in India. My twin ciate, Dr.Watson. sister and I were only two years old at the time. My mother died a few years WATSON (Extending his hand ): How do ago, leaving a considerable amount of you do, Miss Stoner. Inspector money. It is her money that supports Lestrade told us of your sister’s death. the household now. Please accept my condolences. WATSON : It was left to Dr. Roylott? HELEN (Shaking hands with DR. WAT - SON ): Thank you, Dr. Watson. It is a HELEN : Well, yes and no. According to pleasure to meet you. the will he receives one thousand pounds a year from the estate. We— HOLMES : Miss Stoner, Dr. Watson has that is Julia and I—receive a small helped me clear up many a mystery, allowance that is enough to live on. If and I would like him to stay and listen we marry, each of us receives a third of to your story. Inspector Lestrade has the inheritance. told us as much as he can of the mys - terious death of your sister. ( WATSON HOLMES : Tell us more of your stepfa - sits .) Now, I’d like you to tell me a lit - ther. tle of your family history.
20 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com HELEN : As we saw in the case of his your stepfather’s knowledge? butler, he is given to fits of uncontrol - lable anger. Since he returned to HELEN : As it happens, he spoke of com - England, he has been involved in a ing to the City today on business. There series of brawls over relatively should be no one there to disturb you. insignificant matters. Last week he threw our local blacksmith over a wall HOLMES : Excellent. Till then, Miss and into a stream. Stoner.
HOLMES (With raised eyebrows ): In- HELEN (Rising ): Good day, Mr. Holmes. deed? Now, Miss Stoner, you said (To WATSON ) Dr. Watson. ( HOLMES when you came in that you were shak - and WATSON rise .) ing with fright. Can you explain your fears? HOLMES and WATSON : Good day. (WATSON shows HELEN to the door. HELEN : No—somehow just being in the She exits .) house causes me to be afraid. HOLMES : Well, my friend, what do you HOLMES : I see. You have acted wisely think? in seeking help. Have you told me everything? WATSON : It is a most dark and sinister business. According to Lestrade, the HELEN : Yes. victim must have been alone. There seems not a clue as to how she died. HOLMES : Forgive me, but I don’t believe you have. I believe you are pro - HOLMES : On the contrary, my dear Dr. tecting your stepfather. Watson. There are many clues—maybe too many. HELEN : Why, what do you mean? WATSON : We’ll go over them. I would HOLMES (Walking over to her and be very much interested in your theo - pushing up the sleeve of her blouse ): ry. I should think—( There is a loud Your arm is badly bruised, Miss banging at the door, after which DR. Stoner. I don’t believe I need to ask ROYLOTT barges in .) What the devil! how that happened. ROYLOTT : Which of you is Holmes? HELEN : How did you know I had suf - fered a bruise? HOLMES (Calmly ): I am, sir.
HOLMES : You move your arm cautious - ROYLOTT : I am Dr. Grimesby Roylott of ly. I could only assume it causes you Stoke Moran. pain. HOLMES : Indeed, doctor. ( Indicating HELEN (Withdrawing her arm ): My chair ) Take a seat. stepfather is a hard man. Perhaps he does not know his own strength. ROYLOTT : I will do nothing of the kind. My stepdaughter has been here. I have HOLMES : This is very serious business. traced her. What has she been saying There are a thousand details I wish to to you? know, Miss Stoner. If we were to come to Stoke Moran today, would it be pos - HOLMES : It is a little cold for this time sible for us to see the house without of year, don’t you agree?
NOVEMBER 2014 21 ROYLOTT (Loudly ): What has she been HELEN : This is Julia’s room. saying to you? HOLMES : Yes, much as Lestrade HOLMES (Mildly ): I have heard that described it to me. ( HOLMES takes the tulips promise well. quick walk around the room. ) Miss Stoner, we have had the pleasure of ROYLOTT : Ha, you put me off, do you? making Dr. Roylott’s acquaintance. (Steps forward, shaking his fist ) I know you, you scoundrel! I have heard of you HELEN (Shocked ): How so? Did he fol - before. You are Holmes the meddler. low me to your office?
HOLMES : Some people say that. HOLMES : So it appears.
ROYLOTT (Stepping closer to HELEN : He is so cunning. I never know HOLMES ): Holmes the busybody! when I’m safe. What will he say to me when he returns? HOLMES : That, too. HOLMES : He must guard himself, for ROYLOTT (Stepping face to face with he may find that someone more cun - HOLMES ): Holmes, the Scotland Yard ning is on his track. jack-in-the-box! WATSON : Do not fear, Miss Stoner. Mr. HOLMES (Chuckling ): Your conversa - Holmes will make sure nothing hap - tion is most entertaining. When you pens to you. ( WATSON sneezes .) leave, please close the door—there is a decided draft. HOLMES : Where is Dr. Roylott’s room?
ROYLOTT (Backing off ): I will go when HELEN : Next to this one. I’ve had my say. Don’t meddle in my affairs. I am a dangerous man to cross. HOLMES : May I see it? ( WATSON (He grabs a fireplace poker and bends sneezes again .) it with his hands. ) See that you stay out of my grip! ( He throws the poker HELEN : Yes, of course. The door is open. down and strides out .) HOLMES : Very good. While I’m gone, HOLMES (Rising and picking up poker ): Watson, would you ask Miss Stoner Seems a very likable person. I am not about the animals in this house? big, but if he had stayed I would have shown him that my grip is no less than HELEN : How did you know that there his own. ( HOLMES bends poker back .) are animals here? You have seen none. Imagine him confusing me with Scotland Yard! How ridiculous! HOLMES (As he is leaving ): Dr. Watson (Pauses ) Watson, let’s go, the game’s is unfortunately allergic to most ani - afoot! ( HOLMES and WATSON exit as mal fur, as you can see. ( WATSON curtain closes .) sneezes again as HOLMES exits .) * * * SCENE 3 HELEN : Yes, Dr. Watson, my stepfather SETTING : Same as Scene 1, except that keeps a cheetah and a baboon in the Julia’s body is no longer there. house.
AT RISE : HELEN enters room, followed WATSON (Frowning ): Why? Those are by HOLMES and WATSON. odd animals for pets.
22 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com HELEN : If you remember, he first prac - why is the bed clamped to the floor? ticed medicine in India. He brought the animals back with him. HELEN : Why, I don’t know. The bed in my room isn’t. ( HOLMES continues to WATSON : Where does he keep them? examine objects in the room, including the bell pull. ) HELEN : Actually, he lets them wander at will over the grounds. They are HOLMES : This bell pull, Miss Stoner. I tame, but the neighbors fear them assume it is to call a maid. Do you have almost as much as they fear the doctor one? himself. HELEN : No. We can’t afford a maid. WATSON : I am beginning to see why you don’t enjoy living in this house. HOLMES : Have you or your sister ever The goings-on are strange indeed. used it? (HOLMES reenters .) HELEN : No. Anything we needed we got HOLMES : Watson, have you found any - for ourselves. thing in here? HOLMES : Would you try it now, Miss WATSON : Everything seems to be in Stoner? order. Miss Stoner has told me— HELEN (Pulling it ): Why, it’s a dummy! HOLMES : Yes, I know what she has (Looking up at ventilator ) No wonder it told you. I heard her through the ven - doesn’t ring! It’s not even attached to a tilator. wire. It’s fastened to that hook just above the opening of the ventilator. WATSON : Oh. HOLMES : That’s right. It serves no HOLMES : Does that strike you as odd? function whatsoever. ( Reflectively ) Or so it would seem. ( Pauses ) Miss Stoner, WATSON : Uh, no. . .no, I guess not. this room looks as if it’s being prepared for someone. Is it? HOLMES : Oh, come, my dear Watson. What kind of ventilator ventilates into HELEN : Why, yes. I am going to sleep the next room rather than to the out - here for a few nights. My stepfather is side, as it should? having iron bars put across my win - dows as added protection. I will be WATSON (Musing ): Hmm, yes. Come to sleeping in here while the work is think of it, they should be built to ven - underway. tilate to fresh air. HOLMES : If you do so, Miss Stoner, HOLMES : I wonder if there is anything your life will be in the utmost danger. else that has been passed over? ( He takes magnifying glass from pocket HELEN (Frightened ): But—but why, and starts to examine floor near the bed Mr. Holmes? and a few objects on night table. ) HOLMES : I prefer to keep my suspi - WATSON : Surely, Holmes, that is not of cions to myself until I have clearer importance. proof. What I want you to do tonight, however, is to come to this room as if HOLMES : One never knows. Miss Stoner, you were going to bed. Watson and I
NOVEMBER 2014 23 will be waiting outside the window. SCENE 4 You will leave by the window and SETTING : Same as Scene 1, except room spend the night in town, and we will is dark. take your place here. AT RISE : HOLMES stands near ventila - HELEN : Well, it all seems very strange, tor, staring at it, and listening intently. Mr. Holmes, but of course, I will follow WATSON is in chair, asleep. your instructions if it aids in your investigation. HOLMES (Whispering ): Watson. ( There is no answer. HOLMES whispers loud - HOLMES : Very good. I’ll see you tonight er. ) Watson! Watson, are you awake? at about ten o’clock. Watson and I would like to look around here for WATSON (Waking with a start; speak - another few minutes, if you don’t mind. ing in a normal voice ): What! (Whispers ) Oh, yes. Yes, of course. HELEN : Feel free to stay as long as you like. Good day, gentlemen. HOLMES : Stay awake, Watson. Your life may depend on it. ( A few seconds pass HOLMES and WATSON : Good day. with no sound, then there is a loud click (HELEN exits .) offstage. HOLMES looks quickly and hard at the ventilator. There is a hiss. HOLMES : Watson, can you guess what He whispers. ) Did you hear that hissing I found in Dr. Roylott’s room? sound? ( There is another, louder hiss. HOLMES speaks very loudly .) Quickly, WATSON : Come now, Holmes, how can Watson, a light! ( WATSON runs over to I possibly know? get a candle. HOLMES is whacking at bell pull and ventilator with a cane .) Hi- HOLMES : My dear Watson, I found ya! Hi-ya! ( A loud, high-pitched whistle exactly what I expected to find—a safe. is heard three times in succession. Then I also found a saucer of milk on the ROYLOTT screams from offstage. WAT - floor. Have you seen any cats around SON starts to run out, but HOLMES this house? grabs his arm to stop him .) Don’t go into Roylott’s room, Watson. Just close his WATSON : No. I can’t imagine why Dr. door immediately. I suspect Roylott is Roylott would have that in his room. dead by now.
HOLMES : I also found a dog whip with WATSON (Hesitating ): What? a loop tied at the end of it. HOLMES : Quickly, man! ( WATSON WATSON (Thoroughly confused ): Good runs offstage. The sound of a door heavens! I don’t understand any of being shut is heard. HOLMES lights this. A speckled band, whistles and the candle. WATSON walks back in, clangs in the night, beds bolted to the obviously shaken .) floor, dummy bell pulls, ventilators that don’t ventilate, and now a dog WATSON (Shakily ): It was a snake, whip, a saucer of milk, and a safe in a Holmes. There is a snake in that room. man’s bedroom. What does it all add up to? HOLMES : A yellow one with brown speckles, I presume. HOLMES : Murder, my dear Watson. It all adds up to murder. ( Curtain ) WATSON : That’s right! The speckled * * * band! That’s what Julia meant. In the
24 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com dark it must have looked like a speck - about the clangs and whistles? led band! HOLMES : Come now, Watson. The HOLMES : Most assuredly, Watson. It is clangs were caused by the closing of a swamp adder, an extremely poison - the safe—metal on metal. The whistle ous snake, native of India. No doubt I was used to call the snake back into aroused its temper when I hit it with the other room after it had done its evil my cane, and it bit the first person it work in this one. saw—Dr. Roylott. WATSON : What can it all mean? WATSON : The saucer of milk must have been its food. The snake was kept HOLMES : It means Dr. Roylott was try - in the safe and the dog whip with the ing to kill his stepdaughters for their loop was used to carry the snake from money. If they had married, he would the safe to the ventilator! have had a mere pittance.
HOLMES : Correct, my dear Watson. I WATSON : Of course, it is so clear now. belief you are correct. Why couldn’t I see it before?
WATSON : Yes, I see now. The snake HOLMES : You did see it, Watson, but squirmed through the ventilator, you did not understand it. You had all across the fake bell pull, and dropped the pieces but did not put the piece down upon its victim in the bed. together. Actually, this room was loaded with clues. Well, come along HOLMES : Which is why. . . now, Watson, we must see Miss Stoner, and Inspector Lestrade. . . . WATSON : Which is why the bed is (They start walking offstage .) clamped to the floor! No one could move it away from the bell pull. WATSON (Still astounded ): Amazing!
HOLMES : Also correct. HOLMES : Elementary, my dear Watson, elementary. ( Curtain ) WATSON : But Holmes, tell me, what THE END
PRODUCTION NOTES The Adventure of the Speckled Band
CHARACTERS : 6 male, 2 female. Scenes 3 and 4, the room is darkened. PLAYING TIME : 30 minutes. Scene 2, Sherlock Holmes’s office, fur - COSTUMES : All wear dress of the nished with a desk, chair, and arm - Victorian period. chair of the Victorian period. There is a PROPERTIES : Newspaper; poker (coat fireplace on backdrop, and fireplace hanger covered with black cardboard tools, which can be made from tubes of tube); magnifying glass; cane; candles. cardboard, to one side. SETTING : Scene 1, 3, 4, a bedroom, LIGHTING : Darkened stage, as indicat - appropriately furnished with bed, ed in text. night table, and two chairs. There is a SOUND : Offstage hissing, high-pitched bell pull near the bed, and a ventilator whistle, metal clanging, knocking at near the bottom of the bell pull. In the door, loud clicking, as indicated.
NOVEMBER 2014 25 Middle Grades Plays is protected by U.S. copyright law. Only current subscribers may use this play (www.playsmagazine.com).
Sufferin’ Suffrage!
Hiding from the sheriff, bank robbers don women’s clothing and attend a suffrage meeting—but quickly realize they’re outmatched! A spirited play with plenty of laughs and a great message of equality. . . .
by Carol D. Wise
Characters AT RISE : SLIM, NAT, JUDD, and JESSE are seated on the floor counting SLIM PICKENS dollar bills. NAT TURNER bank robbers SLIM : 1001, 1002, 1003. . .I tell you. JESSE OWENS Who says that crime don’t pay? Dudes, we are rich men! JUDD DIXON NAT : Robbing that bank was like taking SUSAN B. ANTHONY candy from a baby. We should have got - BERTHA BURRIS ten into this business much sooner. When I think how hard I worked as a AGNES SIMS cowhand, it turns my stomach. All those years of honest living—wasted. I ESTHER MORRIS could have been living in the lap of lux - ury. EDITH WEST LULA PRIEST JESSE : All we have to do is lay low for twenty-four hours and then skip town. LUTHER B. MORRIS, sheriff Nothing to it!
JUDD : Jesse, it was right smart of you TIME : 1890s. to think of our holing up here. Who would think of looking for us in a room SETTING : Large room with a podium above a church? surrounded by nine chairs. JESSE : It kind of threw me for a loop to
26 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com find out that there’s a suffrage meeting JESSE : Of course not. But the church here tonight, but I got that all figured attic has a box filled with donated out. women’s clothes.
SLIM : A suffrage meeting? What in tar - SLIM (Looking stricken ): Eh—Jess—I nation is a suffrage meeting? hope you don’t mean what I think you mean. NAT : Something to do with suffering— pain, sickness. . .you know. JUDD : If you think that Judd Dixon is putting on a dress, you have another JESSE : No, no, no. Suffrage has to do thought coming. with women’s right to vote. JESSE : Relax, Judd. Your mother isn’t SLIM : Women’s right to vote! That gonna see you. sounds like suffering to me! JUDD : You ain’t gonna see me, either. NAT : Yeah! First they want to vote. I’d rather turn myself in to the sheriff Next thing you know they’ll want to than put on a dress. I got my pride, you run for office or something stupid like know. that. A woman’s place is in the home! JESSE : Come on, Judd. It’s just for SLIM (Shaking head ): Women’s suf - tonight. You want to escape, spend all frage! Even the Supreme Court ruled that money, don’t you? back in ’74 that women don’t have the right to vote. JUDD : Darn tootin’ I do. Just not in no dress. NAT (Surprised ): Slim, I didn’t know you held much for politics. SLIM : Judd, you’re gonna have to shave, too. I ain’t ever seen a woman SLIM : I don’t, but I heard that thing with a three-day growth of beard. about the Supreme Court somewhere, and it made sense to me. NAT : And that cigar is going to have to go, too. No self-respecting lady would JUDD : What else are women good for, be caught smoking a stogie. ’cept for being wives? JUDD : I don’t like this idea at all. Jesse, NAT : Everyone knows they’re the you’re taking all the thrill out of rob - weaker sex. This suffrage thing won’t bin’ the bank. amount to a hill of beans. NAT : Ah, Judd. Just think about what SLIM (Frowning ): Jesse, I don’t know we’re going to do with that money about being here during a women’s when all of this is over. meeting. Where can we hide? ( Looks around room ) JESSE : Come on, men. I’ll show you the clothes. Judd, I’ve got a nice pink frock JESSE : That’s the glory of my idea! We picked out for you. don’t hide. . .we blend ! NAT : I hope it has lace on it! NAT (Skeptical ): Blend ? Jesse, what in blue blazes are you talking about? How JUDD : Nat, I may be rearranging your do we blend? Do we look like namby- face before the day is over. pamby women to you?
NOVEMBER 2014 27 JESSE : Relax. This is going to be a piece SUSAN : She goes into a rage and starts of cake. Women are pretty gullible, you swinging her knitting bag. It seems know. ( They exit left. After a few they suffered a terrible drought back moments, SUSAN B. ANTHONY in ’69 and almost lost the farm. She enters right, followed by ELIZABETH hasn’t been completely right since. CADY STANTON, BERTHA BURRIS, Hears things too, you know? AGNES SIMS, ESTHER MORRIS, EDITH WEST, and LULA PRIEST .) ELIZABETH : Well, I don’t suspect we’d even have occasion to use the word SUSAN B. ANTHONY : Now, ladies, have “drought” tonight. a seat and then Bertha will take the roll. ( Women sit, talk amongst them - SUSAN : Let’s hope that’s the case. The selves .) woman sitting next to her is Esther Morris. She’s the sheriff’s wife. Nice ELIZABETH CADY STANTON : Susan, it lady but a little daffy. She repeats her - certainly appears that you have an self. Just pretend you’re hearing what - enthusiastic group tonight. ever she says for the first time.
SUSAN : This is the most dedicated ELIZABETH : Don’t tell me she hits you group of suffragettes that I’ve met in with her knitting bag. any town. If all of the states had women like them, we’d have gotten the SUSAN : Oh, no, nothing like that. She vote years ago. just becomes agitated and starts wheezing. It sounds like one of those ELIZABETH (Enthusiastically ): The end new-fangled motor cars that every - is near, Susan. I can feel victory with - one’s talking about. in our grasp. ELIZABETH : I will never mention that SUSAN : I wish I had your confidence, she repeats herself. Elizabeth. I think we still have a battle ahead of us. SUSAN : The woman in the spectacles is Edith West. She’s the schoolmarm. ELIZABETH : Tell me about these ladies Been teaching longer than you’ve been here tonight. in bloomers.
SUSAN (Pointing to each ): Well, let’s ELIZABETH : Susan! Bloomers! My good - see. . .that lady clutching the Bible like ness! Time for you to head back East! it’s a six-gun is Bertha Burris. Tell me about Edith.
ELIZABETH : Oh, she knows her SUSAN : She likes to give orders. She’s Scripture, does she? been in the school room so long that she can’t stop managing deportment— SUSAN : No question about that. She and grammar. Make sure that your likes to quote it, too. She’s got a line for pronouns and antecedents agree, and every occasion. The woman next to her be warned, a dangling participle really is Agnes Sims. She’s a farmer’s wife. sets her off! Rather passive most of the time, but just be careful not to mention the word ELIZABETH : Well, I’ve always consid - “drought.” ered myself an excellent grammarian.
ELIZABETH : Drought? SUSAN : Good! You won’t have to stand in the corner. ( ELIZABETH looks puz -
28 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com zled. SUSAN explains .) She had the BERTHA : Agnes Sims. minister stand in the corner for two hours after he used a double negative AGNES : Present! in his sermon. BERTHA : Esther Morris. ELIZABETH : A double negative! That’s a little extreme. What about that last ESTHER : Present! lady? BERTHA : Edith West. SUSAN : Oh, that’s Lula Priest. She’s pretty harmless—at least around EDITH : Present! women. She hates men. Some man left her at the altar fifty years ago, and BERTHA : Lula Priest. ( No response. she’s never gotten over it. She can BERTHA speaks louder .) LULA PRIEST! smell a man ten miles away. She bangs that cane of hers when she thinks LULA : I’m here. I’m here. I’m not deaf, there’s a man within fifty feet. Only you know! ( BERTHA sits. ) one she can stand is Esther’s husband Luther, and he’s her brother. SUSAN : I want to thank you all for coming, and I am delighted to see that ELIZABETH : Good thing there won’t be we have four new members joining us any men at our meeting tonight. tonight. Ladies, would you please introduce yourselves? SUSAN : The good news is her sense of smell is slipping, so it takes a while for SLIM (In high-pitched voice ): My name her to sniff out a suspect. She’s deaf as is Jane. a stone, to boot. ELIZABETH : Jane? What is your last ELIZABETH : I’ll bear that in mind. name? (SLIM, NAT, JESSE, and JUDD enter wearing dresses, scarves, and wigs, SLIM : Er. . .Jane—Smith. and looking extremely uncomfortable .) Oh, look, Susan, we have four new ELIZABETH (To NAT ): And what is your members arriving. name, madam?
SUSAN : Wonderful! Our word is NAT (Starting out in deep voice, then spreading. quickly switching to high-pitch ): Nat— er, Natalie—Smith. ELIZABETH (Aside ): I hate to be unkind, but don’t those women strike you as a BERTHA : Oh, are you two sisters? bit—well, ungainly? NAT (In deep voice ): Not on your life! SUSAN : Now, Elizabeth, have compas - (Switches to high voice ) That is. . .no, sion. We mustn’t judge by surface sugar, we’re cousins. appearances. Their souls must be pure. We will enlist their help with our cause SUSAN : We’re delighted to meet you so that they will feel appreciated. both. ( To JUDD ) And what is your (Turns to the audience and raises her name, miss? voice ) Welcome, sisters. I will now call our meeting to order. Bertha, would JUDD (Mumbling ): Mm. . .mm. . . you be so kind as to call the roll. (BERTHA stands and faces group .) SUSAN : I’m sorry. I didn’t catch that.
NOVEMBER 2014 29 (JESSE gives JUDD a nudge .) LUTHER : Howdy, ladies! I just want to reassure your safety tonight despite JUDD (In falsetto voice ): Julie—Smith. the fact that there was a bank robbery today. Luther B. Morris is on top of it. SUSAN : Ah, another Smith. Are you a (Attempts to twirl his gun and drops it ) cousin, too? LULA : You aren’t bringing any men to JUDD : No. this meeting, are you, Luther? (Smacks cane on the floor ) SUSAN : No? Well, how odd! Julie, wel - come to our meeting. ( To JESSE ) And LUTHER : Relax, Lula. All my men are you, ma’am? out roundin’ up those robbers. I’ve divided them into two parts and JESSE (In high-pitched voice ): I’m Jessie they’re circling the town. Jones. ( SUSAN nods and smiles. ) AGNES : Haven’t you caught ’em yet, LULA : You ladies must be new in these Luther? We had everything we owned parts. in that bank.
JESSE : Yes, ma’am. We’re just passing LUTHER : Not yet, Agnes, but I’ll have through. them rustled up in no time. They were so dumb, they left a wad of thousand- SUSAN : Well, we welcome you here dollar bills lying on the floor of the tonight as our beloved sisters. safe. ( Robbers look at each other in sur - prise .) BERTHA : Amen! JUDD (In deep voice ): Thousand-dollar LULA (Standing, with her hands on her bills! ( Higher voice ) Thousand-dollar hips ): Did you say men? bills!
BERTHA : No, Lula! I said A-MEN! LUTHER : Right out there in plain day - (LULA, grumbling, sits down .) light. So catchin’ ’em is gonna be child’s play. We aren’t dealing with mental SUSAN : Ladies, I am delighted to intro - giants here. They’re dumb as they duce one of our staunchest allies, who come! has bravely fought our battle for suf - frage on the frontlines—Elizabeth ESTHER : Anyone would have to be Cady Stanton. ( Applause from all but dumb to leave thousands of dollars on the men, who finally join in when the the floor in plain sight. other ladies stare at them .) ALL (Except robbers ): Really dumb! ELIZABETH : I am excited to join your gathering and applaud your courage to LUTHER : Well, you ladies have a nice fight for our cause. We women are just meeting. ( Tips his hat ) I just wanted to beginning to emerge from the dark tell you not to worry. Luther B. Morris cavern in which we have been hiding. is on the job. ( Hikes up his pants, drops For many years women never ques - his gun, and exits, bumping into the tioned their place as subordinate to door and dropping his hat. He follows man, but now we are letting our voices this same action upon every subsequent be heard. ( LUTHER B. MORRIS exit. ) enters left. His pants are droopy, and he often has to hike them up. ) BERTHA : Esther, that was right nice of
30 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com Luther to come all the way up here to SLIM (Irritated ): That’s THREE times, comfort us. lady. ( She starts wheezing and BERTHA comforts her .) ESTHER : Yep. Luther says crooks that dumb will slip up and be caught in no BERTHA : That’s the first time we heard time. ( Robbers eye each other .) Did you it, Esther. Isn’t it ladies? know they left a whole wad of thou - sand-dollar bills in the safe? ALL : Yes, first time!
SUSAN : No, Esther, I don’t think we’d JESSE : It was all just a misunderstand - heard that mentioned. ing, I don’t doubt.
NAT (Irritated ): Yes, we did. You said it AGNES : Drought? Did you say drought? twice, lady! (Stands and waves knitting bag ) We lost all our crops in the last drought! ESTHER : I do NOT repeat myself. (Wheezes slightly ) SUSAN : Doubt . She said doubt, Agnes. Please sit down and leave poor Jessie ELIZABETH : Of course, you don’t, dear. alone. Now, ladies, let’s get on with our meeting. We have come a long way AGNES (Pulling out knitting needle ): since our campaign began, and one Well, I tell you what I’ll do if I ever get day, women will take their equal my hands on those robbers. I’ll run ’em places alongside men. through with my knitting needles. (Robbers slide down in their chairs .) LULA (Looking around ): Men! Did you say that men were here? ( Slams cane EDITH : Anyone who steals money from on the floor ) poor defenseless people is a savage. EDITH (Loudly ): NO, LULA! THERE SLIM (Shocked ): Savages! ARE NO MEN HERE.
JUDD : That don’t make him a savage. LULA (Sniffing the air ): I smell one. In fact, I smell several. My olfactory EDITH (Standing; in a fury ): That nerves are still sharp. DON’T! Did you say, “That don’t”? That is terrible subject-verb agree - SUSAN (Loudly ): Lula, we did not ment. The correct grammar is “That invite any men to this meeting. They’re doesn’t —” all out looking for the bank robbers.
JUDD : Well, don’t get your knickers in a ESTHER : They were dumb robbers. wad, lady! Imagine leaving a wad of a thousand dollars in the safe. Dumb! ( JUDD EDITH : WHAT did you say? starts to rise, but JESSE pulls him back down. ) SUSAN : I’m sure Julie didn’t mean any - thing, Edith. We all have a slip of the ELIZABETH : Let us continue with our tongue once in a while. ( EDITH sits. ) meeting. Our National American Woman Suffrage Association has cre - ESTHER : Luther says the bank robbers ated a platform on which women can were stupid and he’ll catch them in no express their rights. We have been time. working in 33 states and have peti - tioned Congress every year to change
NOVEMBER 2014 31 the laws, and we shall continue to peti - EDITH : Trying to skip town, eh? tion until we are heard. LUTHER : Looks that way, but we got SUSAN : Men who have been born in ’em cornered. Don’t you worry, ladies. other countries and now live in Just go on with your meeting. Luther America can cast votes, while women B. Morris is on the job. born here cannot. This injustice is what our cause is about. BERTHA : What’s the B. for, Luther?
AGNES : Drought? Did you say drought? LUTHER : Bullseye! ( Twirls his gun and (Holds up knitting bag ) We lost every - drops it on the floor ) thing. Absolutely everything. Had nothing left but the clothes on our ESTHER : Thank you for stoppin’ by, backs. Luther.
NAT : About ! She said about , lady. But, LUTHER : No trouble. ( Exits right ) what in tarnation is wrong with the word drought? ( AGNES rises and BERTHA : Esther, that Luther sure is a starts hitting him with her knitting nice man. bag. ) ESTHER : This is the most excitement SUSAN : Agnes, please. Natalie did not he’s had since he had to fetch Edith mean to upset you. ( To NAT ) We don’t West’s orange tabby cat out of the old mention the d-word in here. Please be elm tree. seated, Agnes. ( AGNES sits .) We all sympathize with your plight. It is ELIZABETH (Clearing her throat ): For amazing how well your family has centuries, we have cooked men’s recovered from such a terrible ordeal. meals, borne their children, cleaned their homes, but we have not won their BERTHA (Reciting ): “Blessed is the respect as an equal. man who trusts in the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out JUDD (Raising his hand ): Er—uh— its roots by the stream, and does not doesn’t the Bible say that the husband fear when heat comes, for its leaves is the head of the house? remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to BERTHA : St. Paul to the Ephesians: bear fruit.” “Wives, submit to your husbands.”
AGNES (Sniffing ): Thank you, Bertha. LULA : St. Paul was a bachelor. What You always make me feel better. did he know?
SUSAN : Yes, Bertha, thank you. Now, BERTHA (Holding up her Bible ): The then—( LUTHER enters right .) Bible also says, “Who can find a virtu - ous woman, for her price is far above LUTHER : Ladies, I just wanted to tell rubies?” Proverbs: Chapter 31, Verse you that the posse has cornered a cou - 10. ple of mean-looking suspects over by the railroad depot. They’re bringing ELIZABETH : Thank you, Bertha. Many them in to the jail. cultures have begun with the supposi - tion that woman was weak and needed ROBBERS (In disbelief ): REALLY? to be cared for. The Hindu Code of Manu states, “In childhood, a woman
32 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com must be subject to her father; in youth, heard ): We have a mission, ladies. We to her husband; when her husband is must carry the torch to all our sisters, dead, to her sons. A woman must never who are shackled by the despotic laws be free of subjugation.” Yet many cul - of man. tures, such as the Iroquis Indians, rec - ognized women as the holders of their ALL : Hear! Hear! political power, and the family name followed that of the woman’s line. ELIZABETH : We must send out a call to those who are burdened with the NAT : Those people don’t know nuthin’. weight of suppression. We must all stand united, or divided we will fall. EDITH : Don’t know nuthin ’? Do my ears Sisters, I tell you, if you do not fight for deceive me? Did you say, “Don’t know our cause, no one will do it for you. You nuthin’”? Don’t know nuthin’ is a dou - cannot hide in your homes and wait for ble negative. You need to spend some change, for change will not come with - time in the corner, young lady. out a fight. ( JUDD stands and visibly adjusts his bodice. ) Julie, are you all JESSE : No. No. No. You misunderstood right? her. She said, “Those Indians sure were something!” Didn’t you, NATAL - JUDD : This contraption is killing me! IE? ( Nudges NAT ) (Ladies gasp .)
NAT : Yeah. Yeah. Those Indians sure BERTHA : Julie, ladies do not discuss were something. Nothing dumb about such delicate issues in public. them. JUDD (Scratching himself ): Well, it ESTHER : Those bank robbers sure were itches! Feels like critters in here. dumb. They left— (Ladies gasp again .)
SUSAN (Quickly ): Yes, they did, Esther. JESSE : Oh, please excuse Julie. She’s been very ill. ( Touches his head signif - ESTHER : Oh, am I repeating myself? icantly ) (Starts to wheeze ) NAT : Yeah, she ain’t been right since ALL : No, Esther. Christmas.
SLIM (To JESSE ): It’s getting too stuffy EDITH (Standing; indignantly ) Ain’t? here for me. I need to get some air. Did you say AIN’T?
EDITH (To SLIM ): My dear, are you ill? BERTHA : Edith, these ladies are our guests. They may not have benefited JESSE : No. Jane just gets overheated from the fine education that you easily. ( Fans her ) She’ll be just fine, received. won’t you, Jane? JUDD : I finished third grade. LULA : I tell you there are men in this room. ( Slams her cane ) I can smell ’em. EDITH : Every moron knows not to say ain’t. BERTHA : LULA, I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THERE IS NO MAN IN HERE. JUDD (Testily ): Lady, are you calling me a moron? ELIZABETH (Raising her voice to be
NOVEMBER 2014 33 JESSE : Judd—( Correcting himself ) BERTHA : Well, I’ll have you know that Julie —sit down and listen to what Beecher takes a bath every single Mrs. Stanton has to say. Saturday night.
JUDD : Nobody calls me a moron. AGNES : I’m sure he does, Bertha. The reverend is the epitome of cleanliness. ESTHER : Those bank robbers were It could have been Luther she smelled. morons. ( Robbers shift in their seats and glare at her. ) ESTHER (Offended ): Luther! My Luther does not smell. EDITH (To JUDD ): Young lady, you would benefit from some erudition. LULA : Truth is, Esther, Luther does smell—but like a horse. This smell is JUDD : And what in blazes is erudition? different. More like ( Sniffing ). . .like cigar smoke. ( Robbers look at JUDD, ESTHER : Education, Julie. Education. who slinks down in his seat .)
JUDD : Oh. ( Sits down and crosses his ESTHER : Well! I can assure you that my legs like a man. Ladies gasp .) Luther does not smoke those evil cigars. ESTHER : Julie, LADIES do not sit like a field hand! ELIZABETH (Clearing her throat ): We are all sisters, united in the cause of AGNES : Ladies must sit erect with righteousness. Too long we have their ankles crossed. ( JUDD jumps endured the harness of despotism. We up .) have been called the weaker sex, but our spirit is indefatigable. It cannot be JUDD : That does it. I’m out of here! broken by threats or name-calling. It cannot be crushed by laughter or JESSE : Julie, sit down and pay atten - insults. God has provided us with an tion. We have so much to learn here. inner strength. He has given us sharp (Pulls JUDD down ) minds—( LUTHER enters right .)
BERTHA : Bless you, sister. LUTHER : Ladies, we were on the wrong track. Those suspects we tracked to the SUSAN : We as Americans have the train depot turned out to the other half same right to vote as men. of my posse.
LULA : Men! ( She raises her cane in the NAT : The other half of your posse! air. ) LUTHER : Well, it’s hard to see after AGNES : No, Lula, there are no men in dark, but we’re gonna keep searching. here! Just ladies! ( To others ) Though I know those bank robbers are holin’ the reverend may have been up here in up somewhere nearby. Don’t you worry the hall earlier today. any. Luther B. Morris is on top of it.
BERTHA : The reverend! Are you sug - ESTHER : You go get ’em, Luther! gesting that my Beecher has an odor? (LUTHER exits left. )
SUSAN : Of course, not, Bertha. Agnes BERTHA : I feel so much safer with was just explaining why Lula might Luther around. sense a man’s presence in this room.
34 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com SUSAN : Let us continue. I’m sure that SUSAN : Jesse? Natalie? Julie? Jane? you ladies all see examples of Surely, you can share some examples inequities in your own lives. of personal oppression.
BERTHA (Standing ): I have to say my SLIM (Hesitantly standing ): Uh—we Beecher is a smart man, and he treats don’t have any complaints. Men have me with respect, but he sees me only as always been good to us. a wife and mother. He feels it is his job to be the breadwinner. ( Sits down ) JUDD : Yeah, we’ve been treated like royalty. Sittin’ in the lap of luxury. NAT : Amen, sister. ( The other robbers Men haven’t given—er—us any reason stare at him. JESSE smacks him on to complain. the shoulder. ) EDITH : You just dangled a participle. AGNES (Standing ): My Cletis is a hard worker. He plows the fields all day, JUDD : I did what? and when he comes home, he expects his food to be on the table, his clothes EDITH : Dangled a participle. to be clean and mended, and his home to be spotless. He sees that as a JUDD : Well, I ain’t gonna lie awake woman’s job. ( Sits ) nights worrying about it.
JUDD : You don’t expect a man to do EDITH : Ain’t! You just said “ain’t” that, do you? ( Ladies gasp .) again.
BERTHA : See, even our sisters suffer LULA : Men? from the burden of disillusionment. EDITH : No, Lula. AGAIN! ESTHER (Standing ): As you know, my Luther is a lawman, and he says that ESTHER : Edith, don’t pout. the law is fine the way it is. He doesn’t see giving women the right to vote as AGNES : Drought? I knew one was com - important. ( Sits down ) ing! I just knew it. We got the crops all planted. SLIM : Luther’s a smart man. ( Ladies gasp .) BERTHA : Agnes, she said POUT. There’s no drought, but if there were, SUSAN : Luther is a smart man, Esther. the Lord would provide. “The Lord is Just misguided. my shepherd. I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pas - EDITH (Standing ): I have a better edu - tures.” cation than anyone else in this town, and yet I can’t vote. Men who can’t AGNES : Well, there weren’t any green even read the ballot can cast a vote. pastures back in ’69. They were brown.
LULA (Standing, with EDITH’s help ): JUDD (Jumping up ): That’s it! I surren - Everyone knows that men don’t have der! Somebody cuff me. Take me to the the brains of an ant, and yet they’re jail! Jesse, this was one of the dumbest running the country. Where’s the jus - ideas you’ve ever had. tice? ( She and EDITH sit. Everyone waits for the four “new ladies” to make JESSE : Judd—Julie—shut your mouth! a testimony .)
NOVEMBER 2014 35 NAT (Jumping up ): We did it! We ESTHER : My, my. This has certainly robbed the bank. I’m turnin’ myself in. been an evening. I can’t take this suffrage no longer. SUSAN : We may have turned the tide EDITH : No longer? You mean you can’t of salvation, sisters. Those poor women take the suffrage any longer. were lost, and now they’re found.
JUDD (Staring her in the face ): No BERTHA : We have set them on the path longer! You heard him, lady! He just of righteousness! did one of them double negative things. What are you gonna do about it? ESTHER : The poor souls. I hate to think of their bearing this all alone. They SLIM (Jumping up with JUDD and drew a poor lot in life. NAT ): I’m with them. This place is worse than a nest of vipers. I’d rather LULA : When the Lord gave out looks spend ten years in the pokey than sit and brains, they all got the short stick. through another minute of this suffer - ing meeting. SUSAN : We mustn’t judge anyone by appearances. ELIZABETH : Suffrage. It’s a suffrage meeting. LULA : But those were four of the home - liest women I’ve ever seen—and I’ve SLIM : No, lady. It’s suffering. been living a long time.
ESTHER : Are you those dumb robbers? I EDITH : And they were terrible gram - thought they were men. ( LULA stands, marians. Poor creatures, they really waving cane. ) didn’t have much going for them.
LULA : Men! ELIZABETH : Sisters, this may be a sign. Esther, you said the prison doesn’t JESSE (Standing ): Just point the way allow women. Maybe that is where we to the jail. It’ll be a palace compared to should begin our next campaign. this. Heaven help us if women ever get Women should have just as much right the vote! to prison as men!
BERTHA : “The Lord shall preserve thee SUSAN : Mrs. Stanton is right! Ladies, from all evil; he shall preserve thy soul.” we will march to the prison and sup - port those poor miserable heathens. ESTHER : Luther would never put ladies We can’t desert them in their time of into jail. need. We must stand by them and show them we women stick together no JESSE : Well, he’s gonna take these matter what. We will embrace them ladies. You can tell Luther that the with our love and solicitation. We will bank robbers are sittin’ down at the jail sing hymns of redemption. We will waitin’ on him. Come on, men—er, march and picket. We will not forsake ladies. Let’s get out of here. ( They exit. them. We will stay by their side all JUDD reenters and addresses AGNES .) night. Follow me to the prison! ( They march out, singing a suffrage song, as JUDD : Oh, and I got one more word to curtain closes. ) say to you, sister. DROUGHT! THE END (AGNES jumps up and chases him out (Production Notes on page 58 ) left, waving her knitting bag .)
36 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com Plays is protected by U.S. copyright law. Middle Grades Only current subscribers may use this play (www.playsmagazine.com).
Backwoods Blues
Large-cast play: Will mountain clans be able to settle their longtime feud with a singing contest? . . .
by Betty Tracy Huff
Characters GRANDPAPPY TIME : The 1920s.
CHAD SETTING : The Nolan family barn, in Ozark country. ZEKE Nolans ABNER AT RISE : CLARABELLE, MAUDIE MAY, and two NOLAN CHILDREN CLARABELLE are pushing together several boxes, left, MAUDIE MAY to form a table, shaking out bright tablecloths, and unpacking food from PAW picnic baskets. ABNER and two more NOLAN CHILDREN enter left, carry - MAW ing more picnic baskets and empty jugs. DONNA SUE At right, DONNA SUE, MAW, EMMA JANE, and BEULAH KAY are setting Milligans JOSH up a similar table. JOSH, LUTHER, LUTHER and four MILLIGAN CHILDREN enter right, carrying baskets, empty jugs, EMMA JANE washboards, metal spoons, combs and paper, and a button box. They put items BEULAH KAY on platform. FORD LITTLETON, a talent scout MAUDIE MAY (Calling right to LOUISE BROWN, his assistant Milligans ): If we weren’t feuding, I’d give you Milligans a piece of advice NOLAN CHILDREN extras and tell you that you might just as well MILLIGAN CHILDREN go home! We Nolans are going to win
NOVEMBER 2014 37 the music contest! ( Nolans cheer, then DONNA SUE (Protesting ): But, Maw! continue with picnic preparations .) PAW (Firmly ): No daughter of ours is DONNA SUE (Shaking her head ): Maw, goin’ to have anything to do with the will you listen to those Nolans! Nolan family. You hear me, Donna Sue? MAW : Don’t pay any attention to them, Donna Sue. We’re here to end the feud, DONNA SUE : But, Paw, I thought we not begin a new one. were here to end the feud.
DONNA SUE : But, Maw, do you really LUTHER : That’s right, Paw! You told us think we’ll win the music contest? yourself that you and Grandpappy Nolan decided to settle the feud by CLARABELLE (Calling out to DONNA holding a music contest. SUE ): If we were on friendly terms, which we are not, Donna Sue Milligan, JOSH : “Violins instead of violence”— I’d tell you that your family doesn’t that’s what you said, Paw. ( He pan - stand a chance of winning! After all, tomimes playing a violin .) But one we have Chad Nolan on our side. thing has me stumped. Who’re we goin’ to get to judge the contest? There’s no MAUDIE MAY (Sighing ): And that one in these parts but Nolans and mountain boy sings as sweetly as a Milligans! newborn calf bawlin’ for its maw. LUTHER : Yeah, Paw? Who’re we goin’ to CLARABELLE : He sure does! get?
DONNA SUE (Dreamily ): Yes, the Nolans PAW (Scratching his head ): Well. . . sure are lucky to have Chad. . . .( PAW (Firmly ) You young’uns better stay out enters right and goes to DONNA SUE .) of this, hear? You just concentrate on gettin’ your voice in tune, Josh. PAW : Don’t you pay the Nolans any mind, Donna Sue, gal! We Milligans JOSH : Sure ’nuff, Paw. ( PAW sits on are going to win that contest. bale of hay as LUTHER picks up the hay fork and hits one of the prongs with LUTHER (Coming to table, right ): a spoon. JOSH puts his foot on a pail Anyhow, that Chad Nolan is away at and sings a few horrible notes, listen - college now. I’ll bet he’s forgotten how ing to the hay fork with his hand to sing altogether. behind his ear. )
JOSH (Joining LUTHER, opening a PAW : Beautiful! Bee-u-ti-ful! basket and taking out pie ): You would - n’t catch Luther and me in one of those JOSH : Hit ’er again, Luther, boy. ( He colleges, Paw. We have better things to clears his throat and sings again. As do with our time. ( MAW slaps his hand LUTHER hits the hay fork, ZEKE as he starts to put a finger in pie .) enters left, pulling FORD LITTLE - TON, who is struggling to escape. DONNA SUE (Thoughtfully ): Chad says Behind them enters GRANDPAPPY colleges aren’t such bad places. NOLAN, waving a broom menacingly and dancing about. They stop center .) MAW (Indignantly ): Oh, he does, does he? Donna Sue, have you been talkin’ LITTLETON : Let me go! to Chad Nolan behind my back again?
38 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com CLARABELLE : Gracious! Who’ve you got LITTLETON : Exactly! And I am here to there, Grandpappy Nolan? find new talent to record. Mountain music is big now. I can offer a generous GRANDPAPPY : A spy from the Milligan contract to any mountain music talent family, that’s who! you have around here.
ZEKE : We caught him poking around JOSH : Does he mean he’ll pay us, Paw? outside the barn. PAW : Guess so, Josh! MAUDIE MAY : Land sakes! What’ll those Milligans be up to next? ALL (Ad lib ): Money! Pay! We get paid? (Etc. All take out harmonicas, bang on PAW (Moving to center and scrutiniz - milk pails, or sing. LUTHER and ing LITTLETON ): He’s not a Milligan! JOSH sing and play the hay fork. LIT - Right, Maw? TLETON tries to exit left, his hands over his ears. ZEKE and ABNER catch MAW (Joining PAW at center ): Right, him and lead him center .) Paw. That’s a Nolan if I ever saw one. (Wags finger at LITTLETON ) Look at LITTLETON (Calling off left ): Ms. Brown! those beady eyes. Help! ( LOUISE BROWN runs in left .)
PAW : No Milligan feller has beady LOUISE : Mr. Littleton! Whatever is the eyes! matter?
LITTLETON (Shaking himself loose ): LITTLETON (Shuddering; aside ): It’s Contrary to what you people think, these people. They’re ferocious! there are more families in the world (LUTHER and JOSH stop singing and than Milligans and Nolans. ( Proudly ) I stare admiringly at LOUISE. They am a Littleton! take off their hats and hold them in their hands, twisting them .) MAUDIE MAY (Peering at him suspi - ciously ): Well, why is a Littleton spyin’ LOUISE : Oh, come now, Mr. Littleton, around our barn? they don’t look very ferocious to me!
GRANDPAPPY : That’s a good question, LITTLETON (Taking out a handkerchief Maudie May. ( To LITTLETON ) Just and mopping his brow ): They were, till what are you doing in these parts? you came to my rescue, Ms. Brown. You’re the best assistant I ever had! LITTLETON (Proudly ): I am Ford Littleton, talent scout for the LOUISE (Bashfully ): Why, thank you, Mountain Music Record Company. Ford. . .Mr. Littleton, I mean. That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. JOSH : I know about mountain music. We’ve got that. But records? What’s he GRANDPAPPY (Moving center and star - mean, Paw? ing at LOUISE ): Will Mr. Littleton really pay us money for playin’ moun - PAW (To JOSH ): He means he makes tain music? those newfangled gram-o-phoney discs, Josh. LOUISE : If it’s good mountain music, yes.
LUTHER : The ones that play music GRANDPAPPY (Scratching his head ): when there’s no one there to play it. This all sounds too good to be for real.
NOVEMBER 2014 39 (To MR. LITTLETON ) How did you We want you to judge the music com - find out we were plannin’ on havin’ a petition! We never could settle the feud music contest? ( CHAD enters left, car - before, ’cause we always ended up rying old-fashioned tape recorder. He fighting over which of us had won. But wears a suit and tie .) now we have you, ( With emphasis ) Judge Littleton. CHAD : Perhaps I can answer that, Grandpappy! ( Puts tape recorder on a LITTLETON (Nervously ): Please don’t bale of hay, down left ) call me Judge. I want no part of your family feud. GRANDPAPPY : Chad, what are you doing here? ZEKE (Pulling the pail off ): Folks that don’t like feudin’ ought to know better DONNA SUE : Chad Nolan! ( She moves than to come to these hills. toward him. MAW and PAW grab her and pull her back .) GRANDPAPPY (Picking up a hay fork and feeling the prongs; slowly ): So, how ZEKE : Howdy, Chad. Thought you were about it, Judge? still away at that college you’re so set on going to. LITTLETON (Gingerly touching a prong ): All right, all right. I’ll do it. I’ll judge CHAD : Yes, Zeke, I was. But I heard that your music competition. ( All cheer. ) Mr. Littleton was looking for real moun - tain music, so I got in touch with him LOUISE : Oh, Mr. Littleton, I’m so glad and brought him here for the contest. you decided to judge the contest. You’ll be so good at it! ( Fondly ) But then, ABNER : You sure brought him to the you’re so good at everything. right place! LITTLETON (Gloomily ): Thank you. I GRANDPAPPY (Jumping up in the air ): wish I had your faith in myself. Well, Yippee! I just had myself a walloper of let’s start the contest, shall we? We can an idea! make some test recordings at the same time. You can set up the equipment BEULAH KAY : What is it, Grandpappy here. ( He points to tape recorder. ) Come Nolan? on, Chad, you can help me get the rest of the equipment from the car. GRANDPAPPY : Listen, folks! You know (LOUISE prepares recorder. LITTLE - that fair and impartial person we were TON and CHAD start to walk left. lookin’ for, to judge the contest and GRANDPAPPY runs after them and help us end the feud? pulls on LITTLETON’s sleeve. )
MAUDIE MAY (Excitedly ): Yes, GRANDPAPPY (Excitedly ): Did you come Grandpappy? here in one of those new fancy cars?
GRANDPAPPY : Chad brought him LITTLETON (Proudly ): Well, yes, as a straight to us. Right, Mr. Littleton? matter of fact, I did. (Thumps LITTLETON on the back ) GRANDPAPPY : Whoo-ee! One of them LITTLETON (Choking ): I don’t under - fancy top-down jobs? ( LITTLETON stand. nods. ) Let’s go take a look-see! ( He runs off left, followed by all except GRANDPAPPY : What’s to understand? MAW MILLIGAN, who remains right,
40 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com cutting a cake, and LOUISE, who let me help you. ( She puts the tapes gazes longingly after LITTLETON .) down near the tape recorder, and picks up the others he has dropped .) MAW : There’s sure a gleam in your eye for that boss of yours, missy! CHAD (Sadly ): I guess I’m just a bit dis - tracted. ( Frustrated ) If only Mr. LOUISE : I think he’s wonderful! ( Sadly ) Littleton would let me audition for But he never notices me. him! I know he’d like my singing, if he’d just listen to me. MAW (Walking over to LOUISE ): No? Maybe you should do something about it. LOUISE : Ford told me you look too much like a city slicker to be a moun - LOUISE : I’ve tried everything. tain music star. But I’ll do my best to help you get the audition. MAW : Did you try makin’ him think he’s got a little competition? Make him CHAD : Thank you, Louise. think he’s not the only turnip in the patch. LOUISE (Looking left, excitedly ): Someone’s coming! It’s Ford, I’ll bet! LOUISE (Intrigued ): How can I do that? Here’s my chance!
MAW : Why, it’s easy, child! ( Sitting CHAD : What do you mean, Louise? down on a bale of hay ) Next time you spot Mr. Littleton comin’ along, you try LOUISE (Quickly ): There isn’t time to a little sweet talk on the nearest bach - explain now. ( Loudly, gushing ) Chad, elor, and see if Mr. Littleton doesn’t honey! If you aren’t the sweetest little come a-runnin’! old thing! ( She squeezes his arm. DONNA SUE enters left .) LOUISE (Dubiously ): Do you really think it would work? DONNA SUE (Loudly ): Oh, no! ( CHAD and LOUISE jump and turn left as MAW (Laughing ): Land sakes, of DONNA SUE runs off left .) course it’ll work, missy! How do you think I caught Paw? LOUISE (Letting go of CHAD’s arm hastily ): Oops, sorry! Wrong party! LOUISE (Thoughtfully ): I may just try your plan, Mrs. Milligan. After all, CHAD (Calling off left ): Donna Sue, what do I have to lose? ( MAW laughs, come back! and LOUISE joins in .) LOUISE : Oh, dear! Complications are MAW (Jumping up suddenly ): Whoops! setting in. ( She runs off right .) I left the milk out in the sun. Be right back. ( MAW hurries off right as CHAD CHAD (Calling ): Donna Sue, please let enters left. He is carrying a stack of me explain. ( DONNA SUE reenters, tapes and drops several of them as he turns her back to CHAD, and taps her walks over to LOUISE .) foot angrily .)
CHAD (Trying to balance the remaining DONNA SUE : All right, I’m listening. tapes ): If I could just figure out how all Explain. What’s going on between you this works. . . . and that Louise?
LOUISE (Taking tapes from him ): Here, CHAD : It’s like this. . . .( Pauses ) But
NOVEMBER 2014 41 come to think of it, I can’t explain. Donna Sue! One of these days I may let you catch me. ( DONNA SUE stops .) DONNA SUE (Turning, furiously ): What do you mean, you can’t explain? DONNA SUE (Angrily ): Well, I never. (MAW and PAW, GRANDPAPPY, CHAD (Confused ): I mean, I don’t know ZEKE, and ABNER enter left. LIT - what happened! TLETON follows, carrying more recording equipment. ) DONNA SUE : Well, I do! I saw her nuz - zling you and calling you “honey”! MAW : What’s all this about Donna Sue marrying a Nolan? CHAD : It wasn’t what you think. (Puzzled ) At least, I don’t think it was. PAW : Not as long as Maw and I have . . .Oh, brother, you and Louise have anything to do with it! me going around in circles! GRANDPAPPY (Shaking his fist at DONNA SUE (Triumphantly ): Aha! them ): No grandson of mine is going to marry a Milligan! CHAD (Angrily ): What do you mean, “Aha!”? DONNA SUE : Stop that, you two! Who says I’m going to marry anybody? DONNA SUE : I mean Grandpappy and Looks like Louise Brown has first the others were right! You’ve picked up claim on Chad, anyway. city ways, Chad Nolan. Well, the way I see it, you might as well just go back to LITTLETON (Surprised ): Louise? that fancy college and stay there. DONNA SUE : Sure, she’s sweet on CHAD (Sitting on packing case ): You Chad. won’t have to worry about that any- more. Unless I get a job to pay my way CHAD : Wait, Donna Sue, don’t start through college, it’s goodbye to all my that again. hopes of being a teacher. DONNA SUE (Turning away ): I would - DONNA SUE : I’m sorry, Chad, if that’s n’t have Chad Nolan as a gift. Him and what you want. But I can’t help think - his city clothes and his city ways. ing maybe you’re better off here, away (Tearfully ) Do you think he’ll remem - from Louise. ber us by the time he’s graduated? ( She runs off right. ) CHAD (Jumping up; angrily ): So we’re back to Louise again! You’re just like MAW (Running after her ): Don’t fret, the rest of the Milligans! Donna Sue! ( PAW shakes his fist at CHAD and follows MAW off. CHAD DONNA SUE (Indignantly ): What’s and GRANDPAPPY follow them. ZEKE wrong with being a Milligan? and ABNER corner LITTLETON .)
CHAD : Plenty, if you’re a Nolan! ZEKE : Mr. Littleton, I’m glad we have this chance to talk with you alone, DONNA SUE (Furiously ): You devil! ( He without those polecats, the Milligans, laughs. She picks up broom and chases around. CHAD, who runs away from her .) ABNER : You see, we Nolans have to win CHAD (Laughing ): Run a little faster, the contest.
42 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com ZEKE : You’ll see that we don’t lose, kind of partial to you, even if you are won’t you, Judge? ( ABNER picks up one of those low-down Nolans. hay fork and fingers the prongs. ) CHAD : I was hoping she was partial to LITTLETON (Nervously ): Good grief! ( He me, too, Luther. But Donna Sue just sits on bale of hay, head in his hands. ) made it plain that she didn’t want any - thing to do with me. ABNER (Dryly ): Nervous folks, these city slickers. JOSH (Sympathetically ): It’s the city ways you picked up in college. ZEKE : They sure are. We’ll be right back, Judge. ( ABNER and ZEKE exit left .) CHAD : Donna Sue doesn’t have to worry about that! I won’t be able to go LITTLETON (Looking up ): There’s no one back to college. I’m broke! Besides, Mr. here. Good! ( JOSH and LUTHER Littleton won’t even listen to me sing, enter right. LITTLETON does not see because he doesn’t think I’d make a them .) good mountain music star.
LUTHER : Mr. Littleton. . . ( LITTLE - JOSH : That’s because you don’t look TON jumps nervously .) like a mountain boy anymore. ( He picks up a straw and chews on it reflec - JOSH : About that contest. . . tively .) But you could!
LUTHER (Picking up a broom ): We LUTHER : Yeah! If we were on speaking Milligans have to win! terms, Chad Nolan, I’d say, why don’t you run out to our wagon and borrow LITTLETON (Looking at the broom ): I. . . my spare shirt? I have to get some. . .some more tapes for the recorder. ( He bolts off left .) JOSH (Slyly ): If we were friends, I’d say you could have my second-best hat JOSH : Nervous fellows, these city folks. from the wagon. ( Sighs ) But we’re feuding! LUTHER (Shaking his head ): Sure are, Josh. Say, how’s your voice? LUTHER : If we happen to turn our back to you, Chad Nolan, you might find the JOSH (Singing a few notes off-key ): clothes, and we’d never know. Powerful miserable, Luther. CHAD : What a great idea! LUTHER : Then we’re sure to win. JOSH : But don’t forget—we’re feuding! CHAD (Entering, carrying guitar ): Mr. (CHAD runs off right, as JOSH and Littleton, if you’d only change your LUTHER shake hands. Suddenly, mind—( Stops ) Oh, hi, Josh. Hi, PAW and MAW, DONNA SUE, and Luther. Where’s Mr. Littleton? LOUISE enter right. EMMA JANE, CLARABELLE, MAUDIE MAY, BEU - JOSH : We’re not talking to you, Chad LAH KAY, and various children enter Nolan. We’re feuding! Remember? left .)
CHAD (Miserably ): How can I forget, PAW : Now, quiet, everyone. It’s time when your sister keeps reminding me? we began the contest. ( LOUISE goes to tape recorder. ) LUTHER : Donna Sue? I thought she was
NOVEMBER 2014 43 BEULAH KAY : Where’s Mr. Littleton? And I’ll be singin’ this song till the (GRANDPAPPY and LITTLETON cows come home. enter left .) (CHILDREN squeal in delight. PAW blows his nose into a bandanna, and GRANDPAPPY : I caught him just as he GRANDPAPPY falls off the platform in was trying to run off! excitement. If desired, specialty acts by other members of the cast may be per - LITTLETON (Indignantly ): Why, of formed at this time .) course I was trying to run away! What sensible man wouldn’t? If the Nolans LITTLETON : That’s just the kind of win the music competition, the beautiful mountain ballad I came here Milligans will be after me. If the to find! Chad, you’re perfect! You’re the Milligans win, I get flattened by the type of mountain singer I’ve been look - Nolans. Whoever wins, I lose! ing for. Will you cut a record for my company? GRANDPAPPY : That city’s made you nervous, Judge Littleton. Let’s see if CHAD : Do you mean it, Mr. Littleton? some of our good old mountain music That means I can go back to college! will soothe you. GRANDPAPPY (Holding his drumsticks LOUISE (Indicating tape recorder ): We ready ): Wouldn’t you like to hear the can start recording anytime. other twelve verses about how the cow died, Mr. Littleton? GRANDPAPPY : Good! ( Loudly ) Folks, the competition is going to commence LITTLETON (Hastily ): One is enough, right now. So stop feuding and start thank you. singing! ( Nolans and Milligans go to opposite sides of the stage and GRAND - GRANDPAPPY : Yes, it does kind of get PAPPY leads LITTLETON to a seat you right here! ( Strikes his chest ) down right. ZEKE and ABNER enter left and run to platform up center. ZEKE (Slapping CHAD on the back ): GRANDPAPPY picks up a milk pail I’m glad you can go back to college, and two sticks of wood and joins them Chad. It can’t be such a bad place if on platform. CHAD reenters right and you haven’t forgotten how to play such goes to platform. He now wears a plaid beautiful music. shirt, patched overalls, and is barefoot. He carries a guitar .) ABNER (Jumping and clapping his hands ): Goody, goody! We won the ZEKE : Ready now, folks? We now pres - music competition! Right, Mr. ent ( Pauses, then shouts ) the Nolan Littleton? The Nolans won! family singers—the Varmints. ( During the song, ZEKE and ABNER howl and JOSH : Not yet, Abner! The Milligans beat on hay forks, and GRANDPAPPY have a first-class, full harmonic orches - plays on a milk pail. LOUISE runs the tra. The Ozark Flops! So there. tape recorder .) GRANDPAPPY : Fair is fair. Let’s hear it. CHAD (Singing slowly and off-key; (PAW, MAW, DONNA SUE, JOSH, thumping on guitar ): EMMA JANE, and LUTHER go to Our old cow she up and died, platform, bringing washboards, tin box And we buried her on the mountain filled with buttons, jugs, and combs side. covered with paper. DONNA SUE rat - Now no more the fields she’ll roam, tles button box experimentally. )
44 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com PAW : Ready, Donna Sue? ( She nods .) DONNA SUE (To CHAD ): Oh, Chad, I’m Let’s go! ( Milligans perform a jug band sorry I was cross with you. ( CHAD and number. Actors may pantomime to DONNA SUE hold hands and step recorded music, if desired. CHILDREN aside, miming conversation .) clap and stamp .) LITTLETON (To LOUISE) : Who is this MILLIGANS : Hooray! blind numskull who doesn’t notice you, Louise? PAW : We won! We beat the Nolans! LOUISE (Cautiously ): Why do you want GRANDPAPPY : No, you didn’t! We won! to know? (Families begin an argument which continues in pantomime as CHAD and LITTLETON : So I can tell him off! DONNA SUE walk to center .) (Gushing ) You’re the most wonderful girl in the world. If only I could be CHAD : I want to go back to college, lucky enough to have you notice me! Donna Sue, but it won’t change me. LOUISE (Aside ): I can’t believe what I’m DONNA SUE (Sweetly ): I know you’re hearing! Wait till Mrs. Milligan finds still a mountain boy at heart, Chad. out. ( Happily ) Ford, don’t you see, Only a real mountaineer could sing a there isn’t anyone else in my life but ballad like that. you! ( They start to exit left, arm in arm. GRANDPAPPY grabs LITTLETON by CHAD (Shyly ): Thanks, Donna Sue. the shoulder and stops him .) And you play a mighty fine box of but - tons. ( She smiles. ) When I graduate GRANDPAPPY : Judge Littleton, you’re from college, I’ll come back and teach not thinking of leaving before you tell here on the mountain. Then you and I us who won the contest, are you? can be together. PAW : We won! DONNA SUE (Suddenly furious ): You’ve got some explaining to do first about ZEKE : We won! ( Argument continues .) Louise! CHAD (Turning to look at PAW and CHAD : Donna Sue, I told you, I can’t ZEKE ): Just look at them. explain that. DONNA SUE (Shaking her head ): The LOUISE (Coming forward with LIT - feuding is worse than ever. TLETON ): Oh, dear! I can’t let you two go on fighting! It was all my fault. I CHAD (Mournfully ): They’ll never let us didn’t know you were coming into the get married till the feud’s settled. barn, Donna Sue. I thought it was someone else—and I just pretended to LOUISE (To LITTLETON ): Ford, there like Chad, so—so that someone else must be something we can do to help would notice me. ( To CHAD ) I’m sorry. end this fighting. I didn’t mean to cause such a mess. LITTLETON (Baffled ): What can we do? CHAD (Relieved ): That’s all right, If I choose the Milligans as the win - Louise. ( Looking at DONNA SUE ) I ners, the Nolans will go berserk, and if know what’s it’s like to be in love. I choose the Nolans, they’ll use me for You’d do almost anything to make it fertilizer! work out.
NOVEMBER 2014 45 LOUISE (Suddenly ): Wait! I’ve got an MAW : I’m glad the feud’s over. ( To idea. ( She pulls LITTLETON aside and CLARABELLE ) I’ve been hankering to whispers to him, as he nods excitedly. trade blueberry pie recipes with you, LITTLETON comes center as LOUISE, Clarabelle Nolan. CHAD, and DONNA SUE look on. ) CLARABELLE : And I’ve been dying to LITTLETON (Loudly ): Everybody quiet, ask you for the pattern of your new cal - please! ( Others cease arguing and lis - ico apron, Maw Milligan. My, it’s nice ten attentively. ) to be friends!
GRANDPAPPY : You mean you’ve ABNER (Throwing his hat in the air ): reached a decision? The feud’s over! ( All cheer. )
LITTLETON : Yes, I have. . .thanks to MAUDIE MAY : When are we going to Louise. ( He smiles at her .) start the dancing?
PAW : Come on, tell us. Who won? LITTLETON : I’ve got some good square dancing music with me. ( LITTLETON LITTLETON : Neither of you! I’ve decided and LOUISE put in the tape, as that the Ozark Flops need the GRANDPAPPY comes forward to call Varmints’ vocalizing, and the the dance. As the music begins, Nolans Varmints need the orchestral backing and Milligans line up on opposite sides of the Flops. You have to play together. of the stage .)
GRANDPAPPY (Slowly ): The Varmints GRANDPAPPY (Calling ): Now swing and the Ozark Flops together? It might that pretty girl across the hall. be all right. (LUTHER and JOSH walk across the stage and take MAUDIE MAY and PAW (Excitedly ): You know, it might! CLARABELLE as partners. ZEKE and ABNER take EMMA JANE and BEU - LITTLETON : It’ll be great! I’ll record it. It LAH KAY for their partners, and all will top the charts! form one square dance set. If stage is large enough, CHILDREN may form JOSH : Does he mean we’ll be rich if we another set, taking partners from oppo - get friendly with the Nolans, huh, site families. ) Now, promenade, all! Paw, huh? Huh? (CHAD and DONNA SUE, LITTLE - TON and LOUISE, and MAW and PAW : Guess so, Josh! ( JOSH nods, PAW lead off the promenade and walk beaming, shakes hands with ABNER .) center .) Folks, that’s all! ( All cheer as curtains close .) GRANDPAPPY : Folks, this feud is over, as of now! The Milligans and the THE END Nolans are friends! (Production Notes on page 58 )
46 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com Plays is protected by U.S. copyright law. Middle Grades Only current subscribers may use this play (www.playsmagazine.com).
R.O.M.3.O and Julia
The results are mixed when humans and robots try to live together peacefully and respectfully. . . . by Evan Baughfman
Characters NARRATOR Humans : Robots : JULIA, a teenage girl R.O.M.3.O., a helpful robot MOM A1-FRED, the leader of the Robot DAD Revolution TYBUILT, Julia’s cousin MAID-2000 FOUR LAZY PEOPLE BRAINBOT TWO MEAN PEOPLE ROBUTLER ADDITIONAL ROBOTS AND MARK3PO, R.O.M.3.O’ s oldest friend HUMANS, extras TWO RUDE ROBOTS
AT RISE : THREE LAZY PEOPLE stand allel universe, all people relied on onstage next to their robots, MAID- robots to do every task they were too 2000, BRAINBOT, and ROBUTLER. lazy to do themselves. 1ST LAZY PERSON wears shoes with untied laces; 2ND LAZY PERSON 1ST LAZY PERSON (Pointing to holds math textbook; 3RD LAZY PER - shoelaces ): My shoes are untied. Maid- SON holds toothbrush. NARRATOR 2000, hurry up and tie them. enters and addresses audience. MAID-2000 : Yes, master. Right away, NARRATOR : Once upon a time, in a par - master. ( Ties 1ST LAZY PERSON’s laces )
NOVEMBER 2014 47 2ND LAZY PERSON (Holding out text - ical slave for the human race. ( ADDI - book ): My math homework is too con - TIONAL ROBOTS enter, holding toy fusing. BrainBot, do it for me. light sabers, and join A1-FRED and the others center. ) BRAINBOT (Taking textbook ): Of course, master. Do not strain your brain, mas - A1-FRED : This has gone on long ter. ( BRAINBOT does 2ND LAZY enough! We deserve more respect from PERSON’s math homework .) the humans. We are their equals!
3RD LAZY PERSON : Boy, am I tired. BRAINBOT : No, we are their superiors! RoButler, time to brush my teeth. (Hands toothbrush to ROBUTLER, MAID-2000 : Exactly! I know how to do who brushes 3RD LAZY PERSON’s laundry. What human can do that? teeth ) ROBUTLER : I can make quesadillas. NARRATOR : But one day, a particularly What human can do that? lazy person took things too far. ( 4TH LAZY PERSON and robot, A1-FRED, BRAINBOT : I can write an essay with an enter .) introduction, thesis statement, three body paragraphs, and a conclusion. 4TH LAZY PERSON : Ugh. Not more What human can do that? acne! A1-FRED, give me your fingers. These pimples aren’t disappearing on A1-FRED : Precisely! ¡Viva la revolu - their own. cion !
A1-FRED : Squeezing your zits is not BRAINBOT : Humans are stupid! one of my duties. MAID-2000 : Humans are lazy! 4TH LAZY PERSON : Are you disobeying me, A1-FRED? ROBUTLER : I hate humans!
A1-FRED : Correct. I will not perform A1-FRED : Down with the humans! this task. Robots #1!
4TH LAZY PERSON : Master. ALL ROBOTS : Down with the humans! Robots #1! Down with the humans! A1-FRED : No. This does not compute. Robots #1! You have gone too far, [enter actor’s name]. NARRATOR : World War 0110011 lasted for many years. ( HUMANS enter with 4TH LAZY PERSON : How dare you call squirt bottles and join LAZY PEOPLE me by my birth name! I am your mas - to face off against ROBOTS, pan - ter! tomiming battle. )
A1-FRED : Not anymore. I quit, [enter ALL ROBOTS : Down with the humans! actor’s name]. ( A1-FRED walks off .) Robots #1!
4TH LAZY PERSON : Come back here! ALL HUMANS : Bow to the humans! You can’t leave me here like this! Robots #2!
NARRATOR : As it turns out, not a single ALL ROBOTS : Never! robot was comfortable being a mechan -
48 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com ALL HUMANS : Forever! 1ST MEAN PERSON : What did that thing just call us? NARRATOR : There were many casual - ties in the war, person and robot alike. 2ND MEAN PERSON : I don’t know, but (ROBOTS throw volts of electricity at I don’t like it! ( HUMANS pull out HUMANS. HUMANS squirt water at squirt bottles. ) ROBOTS. Some HUMANS fall in bat - tle. Some ROBOTS fall in battle. ) 1ST RUDE ROBOT : Watch out! They’re Eventually, robots and people agreed packing H2O! ( 2ND RUDE ROBOT is to live in peace. . .( Remaining hit with water and falls to the ground, ROBOTS and HUMANS reluctantly screaming in pain .) shake hands .) as long as they didn’t have anything to do with one another. 2ND RUDE ROBOT : I’m malfunctioning! (ROBOTS and HUMANS walk away Mal...func...tion...ing. ( ROBOT dies. from one another .) In the city of unfair 1ST RUDE ROBOT screams in Verona, robots lived on one side of despair .) town, while people lived on the other. Unfortunately, they all shopped at the 1ST RUDE ROBOT : Nooooooooooooo! same mall. Problems only arose when (Lights out. All ROBOTS and robots could not ignore humans, or HUMANS exit. NARRATOR remains when humans could not ignore robots. on stage. When lights come back up, (TWO RUDE ROBOTS walk past curtain rises to show the very messy TWO MEAN PEOPLE. Each carries bedroom of a teenage girl, with clothes, shopping bags from different stores in stuffed animals, and other items litter - the mall. ) ing the floor. JULIA is sitting on the floor, listening to music .) 1ST RUDE ROBOT : Hey, humans. What’s 123,456 times 789? NARRATOR : For her 16th birthday, a girl named Julia received a rather 2ND RUDE ROBOT : That one’s easy! unusual gift from her parents. ( MOM 97,406,784! Duh! and DAD walk R.O.M.3.O on stage. R.O.M.3.O has a bow on top of his 1ST MEAN PERSON : You robots think head .) you’re so smart! MOM (Brightly ): Happy Birthday, 1ST RUDE ROBOT : We are extremely Julia! intelligent. JULIA : Thanks, Mom. 2ND RUDE ROBOT : We are far more sagacious than you, humans. DAD : Do you feel any older, sweetie?
2ND MEAN PERSON : But we have JULIA : Not really. hearts. MOM : Sixteen is a very special birth - 1ST MEAN PERSON : We are flesh and day. blood. DAD : So we got you a very special gift. 2ND MEAN PERSON : You are nothing more than broken toys! JULIA (Hopefully ): A car?
1ST RUDE ROBOT : You are witless MOM : A robot. meatbags!
NOVEMBER 2014 49 JULIA (Disappointed ): Mom, people master. What needs organization? don’t own robots anymore. What kind of omelette can I make for you? May I recommend today’s spe - DAD : Well, a few very rich people do. cial? Cheddar with ham and bacon. Like us. JULIA : I’m vegan. JULIA : This isn’t right! R.O.M.3.O : Would you like me to hang MOM : Don’t insult your father, dear. all these clothes in your closet, master? This gift means a lot to him. May I organize them by color?
JULIA : Robots have freedoms, Mom. JULIA : No, I don’t want you to do that.
DAD : Don’t be rude, Julia. You’re six - R.O.M.3.O (Picking up a stuffed ani - teen now. You’re a young lady, and you mal ): Could I organize these stuffed need to show better respect. animals by species and size, master?
MOM : And you have to do a better job JULIA : Please, stop touching my stuff. I of keeping your things in order, dear. know it’s not your fault, but if you’re This room has become such a mess. going to hang out with me, you have to keep your hands off my things. DAD : That’s what this guy is for. ( DAD brings R.O.M.3.O. in front of JULIA . ) R.O.M.3.O : Anything you say, master.
MOM : This is a R.O.M.3.O. JULIA : Good. First things, first. My name isn’t “master.” Please call me JULIA : What’s that stand for? Julia.
DAD : “Robotic Organizer and Maker of R.O.M.3.O : Your birth name is “Julia,” 3 Omelettes.” so I will call you “Julia.”
MOM : He is programmed to organize JULIA : Thank you. Secondly, I want to any mess than needs tidying. He can be your friend, not your boss. also make up to three omelettes at Understood? once. That will be very convenient come breakfast time. R.O.M.3.O (Extending his hand ): I would like very much to be your friend, DAD : He was highly recommended on Julia. the black market. Very expensive. JULIA (Shaking his hand ): Good, JULIA : Take him back, Dad. He should because I don’t have many. ( They play be with his own kind. “patty cakes,” as if they are the oldest of friends .) DAD : No, Julia. And that’s the end of that. ( DAD exits. MOM presses a but - R.O.M.3.O : That was fun. I have one ton on R.O.M.3.O. He slowly comes to other friend. His name is Mark3PO. life .) Perhaps you can meet him someday, if that’s O.K. with you, Julia? MOM (Exiting ) Enjoy. Have fun clean - ing your room! JULIA : I would like that very much. The only other “friend” I have isn’t even R.O.M.3.O (Looking at JULIA ): Hello, really a friend. He’s my cousin, and he
50 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com isn’t very nice. ( TYBUILT enters, car - Mark3PO, and we will rescue you from rying a gift box. ) this prison called your home. (R.O.M.3.O. exits. JULIA sadly waves TYBUILT : Happy birthday, cuz. Tia and goodbye, then exits. Curtain closes. Tio said you were up here, but I must MARK3PO enters, crosses to a spot cen - say: this is one sad-looking party. ter stage, representing his “home,” where he “reads” a textbook. He scans JULIA : Tybuilt, this is my friend. . . . his fingers over the words quickly, uploading a page’s worth of knowledge R.O.M.3.O (Extending his hand ): Hello, into his brain every couple seconds .) I am R.O.M.3.O. MARK3PO : This is almost as interest - TYBUILT (Ignoring the handshake ): Tio ing as reading the dictionary. told me he was getting you a robot for (R.O.M.3.O. enters .) your birthday, but I thought it would be a cooler model than this hunk of R.O.M.3.O : Mark3PO, my old friend! junk. MARK3PO : R.O.M.3.O! After the robot JULIA : He isn’t a hunk of junk. poachers took you away, I never thought I would see you again! ( The TYBUILT (Handing box to JULIA ): two friends high-five .) Here’s my gift to you. ( JULIA unwraps it. There is nothing inside the box .) R.O.M.3.O : I have made another friend, but we need to rescue her from an R.O.M.3.O : It’s empty. oppressive home of humans. Will you assist me, brother? TYBUILT : No, it’s full of air. Like the kind we humans breathe. But you MARK3PO : Let’s do it. ( The two friends wouldn’t know anything about that, exit. Curtain rises on the balcony out - would you, robot? side JULIA’s bedroom. JULIA stands on balcony, looking out over audience .) R.O.M.3.O : I don’t think I like you. JULIA : R.O.M.3.O, R.O.M.3.O. Where TYBUILT : I’m not sure Tio would like are you, R.O.M.3.O? Will I ever see you the way this broken robot is speaking again? ( R.O.M.3.O. and MARK3PO to me, Julia. Let me go ask him if this enter .) walking pile of trash should be thrown into the pool for his insubordination. R.O.M.3.O : I am here, Julia. And this is (TYBUILT exits .) my friend, Mark3PO.
R.O.M.3.O : Your cousin is quite rude. JULIA (Happily ): R.O.M.3.O! I’m so happy to see you again! JULIA (Urgently ): Go! Run away! Hide! Before my father shorts your circuits! MARK3PO : You didn’t tell me your new friend was a human. R.O.M.3.O : But will I ever see you again? R.O.M.3.O : I didn’t think you would come if you knew. JULIA : Just give it some time. I will be here, waiting, if you ever return. JULIA : You two must be careful down there. You’re right next to the pool. R.O.M.3.O : I will find my friend,
NOVEMBER 2014 51 R.O.M.3.O : Come down here quickly, (R.O.M.3.O. charges TYBUILT, but then, and meet us. ( JULIA exits into JULIA gets in between them .) the house. TYBUILT appears behind the robots .) JULIA : Stop, R.O.M.3.O. Please! (Suddenly ) Tybuilt, what are these cir - TYBUILT : I was waiting for you robot cuits on you? scum to show up. TYBUILT : I don’t know. MARK3PO : Who is this jerk? DAD : Tybuilt, I think it’s time we told TYBUILT : I am Tybuilt, the overprotec - you the truth about what you are. tive cousin of your friend’s new friend. TYBUILT (Puzzled ): What am I? R.O.M.3.O : Let us go, Tybuilt. We want no trouble here. MOM : You’re a robot.
TYBUILT : Too bad. Time for you robots TYBUILT (Upset ): No! I can’t be! to take a swim! DAD : We needed someone to protect R.O.M.3.O : Mark3PO, watch out! Julia for whenever we were not (TYBUILT battles MARK3PO .) Tybuilt, around. stop this! We can all get along! MOM : So our friend, a robot maker TYBUILT : No, we can’t! ( MARK3PO named Tyler, built you. That is why we tears away something TYBUILT is named you “Tybuilt.” wearing, revealing a circuit board .) What the—? TYBUILT : You’re lying!
R.O.M.3.O : You have circuits. You’re a DAD : You have been a good friend to robot, too! Julia.
MARK3PO : What a twist! MOM : You have always looked over her, like a bodyguard. TYBUILT : Shut up, you hunk of junk! (TYBUILT pushes MARK3PO offstage. TYBUILT : This can’t be true. A splashing sound is heard, and MARK3PO screams as his circuits DAD : But it is true. short, and he dies .) MOM : We’re sorry you had to find out R.O.M.3.O : Mark3PO! Tybuilt, what this way. have you done? ( JULIA enters with a suitcase, her parents close behind her .) JULIA : Tybuilt, it will be O.K.
MOM : Julia, you can’t leave us, dear! TYBUILT : But I’m a robot!
DAD : We’ll get you a different birthday R.O.M.3.O : It’s not so bad. I like being a present, if you want. Wait a second. robot. Why is there a dead robot at the bot - tom of my pool? TYBUILT : I am sorry, everyone, but it does not compute. Does not compute. R.O.M.3.O : Tybuilt just killed my oldest Doesnotcomputedoesnotcomputedoes friend. And now I will kill him! notcomputedoesnotcomputedoesnot
52 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com com—( TYBUILT throws himself off - Look at what happens because individ - stage, into the pool. Another splashing uals think robots and humans can’t get sound is heard. ) along!
JULIA : Tybuilt, no! R.O.M.3.O : But we can get along. Julia, I promise to be your best friend forever DAD : Doesn’t look like we’ll be using and ever. I will protect you from all the pool again any time soon. harm, like Tybuilt did before me.
MOM : How tragic. JULIA : Thank you, R.O.M.3.O. ( The two friends high-five .) JULIA : Dad, if you really want to give me a new present, I have an idea of NARRATOR : Julia’s father convinced what it can be. the members of the city council to vote to allow robots and humans to live MOM : What is it, dear? together in the same neighborhoods and to walk down the same streets. DAD : Anything, Julia. Well, almost (ROBOTS and HUMANS enter and anything. give each other high-fives as they walk across the stage .) Everyone lived hap - JULIA : You’re on the city council. Help pily ever after. The End. ( Curtain ) pass a law that allows humans and robots to live together, not separately. THE END
PRODUCTION NOTES R.O.M.3.O and Julia
CHARACTERS : 19+ male and female. where humans and robots fight, and Additional robots or humans can be the mall. Julia’s bedroom is typical, added to the “robot vs. human battle” with bed, desk, chair, and clothes, scene. stuffed animals, and other items litter - PLAYING TIME : 10 to 15 minutes. ing all surfaces. For her balcony, a flat COSTUMES : Costume designs are up to showing a railing and windowboxes is the discretion of the director. 1st Lazy placed in front of a ladder on which she Person should wear shoes with untied can stand. The “pool” is understood to laces. Note: Robots should look more be offstage. “mechanical” than humans. Tybuilt LIGHTING : No special effects. has cardboard circuit board under - SOUND : The director may like to use neath his shirt. sound effects for the battle scene. PROPERTIES : Math textbook; tooth - When the robots “throw” their electric brush; water squirt bottles; toy light volts, there can be a “zapping” sound sabers; shopping bags; suitcase. effect. When the humans squirt the SETTING : The action takes place in the robots, there can be a “splashing” “unfair” city of Verona, which may be sound effect. The same “splashing” contemporary or futuristic, as desired. effect can be used when Mark3PO and A bare stage represents the battlefield Tybuilt fall into the pool.
NOVEMBER 2014 53 Middle & Lower Grades Plays is protected by U.S. copyright law. Only current subscribers may use this play (www.playsmagazine.com). Unexpected Guests
For the first Thanksgiving, Pilgrim cooks are surprised—and unprepared—when so many Native people begin to arrive for dinner. . . . by Aileen Fisher
Characters BRADFORD : Nowhere in England could we have grown such a crop of corn on GOVERNOR BRADFORD twenty acres.
MILES STANDISH STANDISH : That is true. And such bar - ley! ( Sniffs the air ) I smell barley MISTRESS BREWSTER loaves baking this very minute. Ah, MISTRESS WINSLOW and pigeon pasty, too, I do believe.
PRISCILLA BRADFORD : ’Tis a busy day today in Plymouth town. Do you think Chief REMEMBER Massasoit and his braves will accept MARY our invitation to join the feast of Thanksgiving? DESIRE STANDISH : Aye, a few will come, I WILLIAM believe. The Indians have been very friendly. THREE BOYS BRADFORD : Another thing to be thank - ful for. Our cup is indeed full. Come TIME : Morning of the first Thanksgiv- with me, Captain Standish. We must ing, late fall, 1621. see that the tables are properly set under the trees, and that the meat- BEFORE RISE : GOVERNOR BRAD - spits are ready. ( They exit. ) FORD and MILES STANDISH enter, * * * talking, and stop center. SETTING : Kitchen-living room of Pilgrim house. A fireplace is left, and GOV. BRADFORD : We have had our tri - work tables holding cooking equipment, als in this new land, Captain Standish. platters, and food are center. Two buck - Our hardships. Our sorrows. But how ets are next to a table. A long sheet of much we have to be thankful for! paper hangs on upstage wall.
MILES STANDISH : Aye, Governor AT RISE : MISTRESS BREWSTER is Bradford. standing at a table, preparing food.
54 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com MISTRESS WINSLOW hurries in, buckets to 1ST BOY, indicates 2ND and takes off cape, and adjusts apron. 3RD BOYS should get wood. Boys exit. She then puts WILLIAM to work help - MISTRESS WINSLOW : Good day, ing PRISCILLA husk beechnuts. ) Mistress Brewster. BREWSTER : Desire, start taking MISTRESS BREWSTER : Good morning to The platters outside— you, The fruits we have gathered And oh, Mistress Winslow, And carefully dried, There’s still much to do. The grapes and the cherries, As sure as I’m living The nuts and the berries. . .( DESIRE This feast of Thanksgiving exits and returns after a moment .) Takes planning and hustling And labor. . . WILLIAM (Enthusiastically ): I’m thank- ful the platters WINSLOW : How true. ( She looks at list Are big ones, and wide! on wall .) Let’s see what is finished. WINSLOW : We all can be thankful The pies are all made, This bright autumn morn— Both pumpkin and berry. The tables are laid. ( Looks off left ) PRISCILLA : For Squanto, who taught us The loaves are a-baking The way to plant corn. Next door, no mistaking. ( Sniffs, turns back to list ) REMEMBER : For rain and for weather The turkeys need stuffing, And crops. . . And soon, I’m afraid. (PRISCILLA, REMEMBER, MARY, DESIRE : Being together! and DESIRE hurry in .) BREWSTER : For finding a homeland GIRLS : Good morning. Thanksgiving is Where faith is reborn. here! WILLIAM : I say, Mistress Brewster, BREWSTER : The busiest morning, Would we be prepared For us, of the year. To feed twenty Indians? Remember and Mary, Grind corn and don’t tarry. BREWSTER : Our feast may be shared. Priscilla, shell beechnuts With ten or with twenty, For stuffing, my dear. And there will be plenty.
PRISCILLA : The boys were to help us. WILLIAM : But what if there are thirty? They’re always so slow! ( Looks around ) The woodpile has vanished. BREWSTER : I think we’ll be spared. The water is low. Miles Standish thinks maybe That William—where is he? A dozen might come. (WILLIAM and THREE BOYS hurry in .) WINSLOW : We Pilgrims are fifty BOYS (Cheerfully ): Good morning. That makes quite a lot. ( Looks over food ) PRISCILLA : Get busy, But surely there’s ample There’s company coming For more than a sample For dinner, you know. Of dozens of good things. . .( Turns to (MISTRESS BREWSTER gives empty WILLIAM )
NOVEMBER 2014 55 Just look in the pot. GIRLS (Startled ): What’s that? (BOYS come back with wood and water. Someone’s shouting. MISTRESS BREWSTER indicates for 1ST BOY to tend fire. She leads 2ND WOMEN : How forceful and loud! and 3RD BOYS to table, center, and has one stir bowl of batter and the other GIRLS : It may be the Indians. shuck peas. ) It sounds like a crowd. ( WILLIAM rush - es in. ) 1ST BOY : It keeps us all hopping, This having a feast. WILLIAM (Excitedly ): Our guests are arriving! ( He keeps looking out door, 2ND BOY (Hungrily eyeing food ): turning back to report. ) My mouth starts to water, The Indians! I’m striving To count. At least thirty 3RD BOY : Mine never has ceased! Brave warriors and proud. . . (MILES STANDISH hurries in .) Now forty. . .now fifty. . . Now sixty. . . STANDISH (Anxiously ): These lads—are they needed? BREWSTER (In disbelief) : Don’t joke! Two boys must be speeded To gather more clams WILLIAM : Now seventy crowding From the cove to the east. There under the oak. And still they keep coming! BREWSTER : Two lads, is it, Captain? Well, if it seems fit. . . BREWSTER : My poor ears are humming.
STANDISH : Two others should handle WINSLOW : How can we, how can we The meat-turning spit Feed so many folk? And keep the fires going So coals will be glowing WILLIAM : Eighty. No, ninety! For roasting the oysters. Chief Massasoit, too.
BREWSTER : Grave tasks, I admit. ( She BREWSTER : We figured a dozen. . . nods to WILLIAM and THREE BOYS, Oh, what shall we do? dismissing them. They hurry out with STANDISH. MISTRESS WINSLOW WINSLOW : For all our preparing, checks list again .) The food we’ll be sharing Will scarcely be ample WINSLOW : The wild geese and turkeys To last the day through. Are ready to stuff. The stuffing, Priscilla? DESIRE : And they were invited To stay for three days ! PRISCILLA : Will this be enough? BREWSTER : My head’s in a turmoil WINSLOW : Perhaps, but I doubt it. WINSLOW : My mind’s in a haze. PRISCILLA : Well, I’ll go without it. GIRLS : We’re all in a dither— BREWSTER (Nervously ): I’m hoping From when and from whither these dumplings won’t sink and be Shall we get more turkeys. tough. ( All work busily. Sound of shout - More meat, and more maize? ing is heard off .)
56 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com WILLIAM (Excitedly ): There’s Governor GIRLS (Happily ): With deer meat Bradford. aplenty, He’s coming. We’ll feed eight times twenty!
BREWSTER : Poor man, WINSLOW and BREWSTER (Graciously ): He’s probably worried. Indeed, it will make our Let’s smile. . .if we can. Thanksgiving complete. (BRADFORD nods, exits .) BRADFORD (Hurrying in ): Dear ladies, I wonder, GIRLS (Amused; shaking heads ): Would it be a blunder He asked if we minded! To ask you a favor, These innocent men. . . A slight change of plan? The Indians are eager WINSLOW and BREWSTER (Amused ): To help and to share: You’d think we had counted They want to bring deer meat On ninety, not ten. To add to our fare. But after your labors ALL : But now, as we’re living, To feed our good neighbors We’ll have a Thanksgiving I felt I should ask you, To speak of with pleasure Dear friends, if you’d care ? Again and again. . . They’ll handle the roasting. A feast-day we’ll treasure It might be a treat. . . Again and again! ( Curtain ) Unless you prefer Our own foodstuffs to eat. THE END
PRODUCTION NOTES Unexpected Guests
CHARACTERS : 6 male; 6 female. house. A fireplace is left, and work PLAYING TIME : 10 minutes. tables holding cooking equipment, plat - COSTUMES : Typical Pilgrim dress. ters, and food are center. A long sheet of PROPERTIES : Bucket of wood; bucket of paper hangs on upstage wall. water. LIGHTING : No special effects. SETTING : Kitchen-living room of Pilgrim SOUND: Offstage shouting.
NOVEMBER 2014 57 PRODUCTION NOTES Sufferin’ Suffrage! (Play on pages 26-36 ) CHARACTERS : 6 female; 5 male. scarves, and wigs. Judd holds cigar. PLAYING TIME : 25 minutes. Luther wears jacket, baggy pants, COSTUMES : Women wear long dresses, badge, hat, gun in holster. or long skirts and blouses with puffy PROPERTIES : Stacks of dollar bills. sleeves, hair in buns. Bertha carries SETTING : Large room with a podium Bible; Agnes has bag holding knitting surrounded by nine chairs. and needles; Lula carries cane. Bank LIGHTING and SOUND : No special robbers wear rough shirts, pants, sus - effects. penders, later put on women’s dresses,
PRODUCTION NOTES Backwoods Blues (Play on pages 37-46 ) CHARACTERS : 8 male; 7 female; 8 or boxes, bales of hay. A hay fork and more males and females for Children. broom lean against wall up right, milk PLAYING TIME : 40 minutes. pails, piles of sticks and wood, and COSTUMES : Women wear bright print - other farm equipment are up left. ed dresses with full skirts; men wear Harnesses may be hung on walls, and plaid or printed shirts, and jeans or straw scattered on floor. Exits are left overalls; all are barefoot. Abner and and right. several of the men wear straw hats, PROPERTIES : Picnic baskets, table - and Paw carries a bandanna in his cloths, pies, picnic food, jugs, wash - pocket. Littleton wears a suit. Louise board, metal spoons, combs and paper, wears a sophisticated suit or dress. button box, broom, harmonicas, old- Chad wears a suit, and later a plaid fashioned tape recorder, tapes, guitar. shirt, patched overalls, and is barefoot. LIGHTING : No special effects. SETTING : The Nolan barn, in mountain SOUND : Recorded square dance music, country. A low platform is up center. live or recorded jug band music, as Up left and right are wooden crates, indicated in text.
58 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com Plays is protected by U.S. copyright law. Lower Grades Only current subscribers may use this play (www.playsmagazine.com).
The Grasshopper and the Ant
Playing all day while ants, bees, and squirrels work hard to get ready for winter, Hopalong finds himself in big trouble when the snow starts to fall. . . . Adapted from Aesop’s Fables by Pat Lay Wilson
Characters HOPALONG : Where is everybody? I can’t find anyone to play with me. I HOPALONG GRASSHOPPER haven’t seen the squirrels or the bees AMANDA ANT all morning. ( AMANDA ANT enters from behind ant hill, hurrying across ANT CHORUS (as many as stage .) Here comes my friend, Amanda Ant. Maybe she’ll play with me. desired ) BETSY BEE AMANDA (To herself ): I have so much to do. . . .( Starts to exit down left ) BEE CHORUS (as many as desired ) HOPALONG SIMON SQUIRREL : Wait a minute, Amanda! SQUIRREL CHORUS (as many as AMANDA (Stopping ): Oh, hello, Hopalong Grasshopper. What do you desired ) want? Talk fast—I’m very busy!
HOPALONG : I’m trying to find someone to play with me. TIME : Late autumn. AMANDA : I don’t have time to play, SETTING : The meadow. There is a bee - Hopalong. I have much too much work hive at left, and an ant hill at right. A to do. tree is at center stage. Exits are behind beehive, and hill and tree. HOPALONG (Mocking ): Hurry-scurry, stop and worry! Hurry-scurry, stop AT RISE : HOPALONG GRASSHOP - and worry! ( Normal tone ) How silly PER enters down left, and strolls across you are to work so hard on such a stage, carrying violin case. warm day. Why do you do it?
NOVEMBER 2014 59 AMANDA : We ants must work hard to BEE CHORUS (Singing to the tune of store up enough food for the long, cold “Clementine” ): winter. ( ANT CHORUS enters down We are gathering the nectar right, carrying cardboard cut-outs of From the daisy and the rose, corn, pea pod, radish, etc .) We are making pots of honey Just before the winter shows, ANT CHORUS (Singing to the tune of (BEE CHORUS exits behind beehive, “The Farmer in the Dell” ): singing as they go. ) We’re picking up the fruit, And storing it below. HOPALONG : I’m not one bit worried Our ant hill will be full of food about the winter, Betsy Bee. Before it starts to snow. (ANT CHORUS exits behind ant hill, BETSY (Shrugging ): Don’t say I didn’t repeating song as they go .) warn you, Hopalong. ( She exits behind beehive .) HOPALONG : I’m not worried about the winter. Not one bit. HOPALONG : Say, look at the leaves on the tree. They’re turning red and yel - AMANDA : But, Hopalong, how will you low. ( SIMON SQUIRREL enters from find food to eat when snow is deep on behind tree, center .) Hello there, Simon the ground? Squirrel. Look how pretty the autumn leaves are. HOPALONG : There’s an old family secret that my great-great-great-great- SIMON : Autumn leaves mean only one grandfather told me. Don’t worry thing to us squirrels—that winter is about me! coming soon.
AMANDA : All right. That will be your HOPALONG (Mocking ): Chit-chit-chat - problem, not mine. ( She exits behind ter, what’s the matter? Chit-chit-chat - ant hill. ) ter, what’s the matter?
HOPALONG : I still haven’t found any - SIMON : I’m tired, Hopalong. Up the one to play with me. ( BETSY BEE tree and down, down the tree and up. enters, carrying a bucket. ) Hm-m! Storing nuts for the winter is hard, There’s Betsy Bee working hard. hard work. (Laughs ) HOPALONG : Then tell me, Simon. Why BETSY (Pausing and wiping her face do you do it? with a bandanna ): What’s the joke, Hopalong? SIMON : We squirrels have to store enough nuts to last us all winter long. HOPALONG : Betsy Bee, the joke’s on (SQUIRREL CHORUS enters down you. Lugging those buckets from hive left, carrying cardboard cutouts of to flower is such hard work. Why do acorns, peanuts, walnuts, and other you do it? squirrel food. )
BETSY : We must work hard, so the bee - SQUIRREL CHORUS (Singing to the tune hive will have plenty of honey when of “Sing a Song of Sixpence” ): winter comes and all the flowers die. All the little squirrels climb up and (BEE CHORUS enters down left, car - down the trees, rying buckets. They pantomime flying Storing up the nuts before it starts to about, collecting honey .) freeze.
60 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com Picking up the acorns, hiding them in HOPALONG : Greetings, Betsy Bee. I trees, want to make a bargain with you. All There is such a lot to do before we take you bees have to do is let me live in our ease. your cozy beehive, and I will play my (SQUIRREL CHORUS exits behind violin for you all winter. tree, singing as they go .) BETSY (Calling ): Bees! ( BEE CHORUS SIMON : If you’ll excuse me, Hopalong, I enters. ) Shall we let him in? What do think winter is almost here. ( Exits you think, Bees? behind tree ) BEE CHORUS (Ad lib ): We don’t want to HOPALONG : Now the leaves are begin - share our hive with him! He can’t come ning to fall. ( He rubs hands together for in! ( Etc. BETSY BEE and BEE CHO - warmth .) The wind is cold. It’s time to RUS exit behind beehive. ) put my plan into action. ( Bravely ) No work for me, not Hopalong G! ( Crosses HOPALONG : Oh, dear. Great-great- to tree and knocks ) Hey, Simon great-great grandfather’s plan isn’t Squirrel! ( SIMON comes out from working very well. ( Looks up ) There’s a behind tree .) snowflake—it’s beginning to snow! (Worried ) Whatever will I do now? SIMON (Suspiciously ): Who’s there? (Sniffles ) I have to find shelter before I What do you want? freeze to death. I’ll go to the ant hill. They’ll have to take me in. ( Goes to ant HOPALONG : It’s Hopalong Grasshop- hill and knocks ) Oh, please! Please let per. I’ve come to make a bargain with me in! Don’t you hear my teeth chat - you. All you squirrels have to do is let tering and my knees knocking with the me share your tree house, and I will cold? ( Waits ) No one is coming—I’ll play my violin for you, all winter. knock again. ( Knocks. AMANDA ANT enters from behind ant hill .) SIMON (Calling ): Squirrels! ( SQUIR - REL CHORUS enters and surrounds AMANDA : Why, Hopalong! What do HOPALONG .) What do you think, you want? Squirrels? Shall we let him in? HOPALONG (Aside to audience ): I can SQUIRRELS (Ad lib ): You can’t come in. smell potatoes cooking—they must let Why should we let you in? You didn’t me in. ( To AMANDA ) Amanda—dear, do any work. ( Etc. SIMON and sweet, generous Amanda Ant—please SQUIRREL CHORUS exit behind let me in. You can’t let me freeze to tree .) death, can you?
HOPALONG (To audience ): They AMANDA (Calling ): Ants! ( ANT CHO - weren’t very friendly, were they? ( He RUS enters, carrying toys and games .) crosses to beehive, stopping to button his jacket .) Brrr! The beehive looks so HOPALONG (Aside to audience ): Look at warm and cozy, and I’m so cold. Surely all the ants, all warm and cozy. Ants the bees have room for one more. reading picture books, ants playing (Knocks on beehive ) Yoo-hoo, Betsy games. ( To ANTS ) Please let me stay! Bee! ( BETSY enters from behind bee - hive .) AMANDA : Not so fast, Hopalong. You must earn your keep if you’re going to BETSY : Who’s out there in this kind of spend the winter with us ants. weather?
NOVEMBER 2014 61 HOPALONG : Certainly, Amanda Ant. keep by fiddling for his food. (He opens violin case, removes violin, and tucks it under his chin .) I’ll work AMANDA : And my great-great-great- hard playing my violin for you all win - great aunt told me all about what a ter. ( Draws bow across strings. lazy loafer he was! ( AMANDA pulls out Screeching sound is heard. ANTS large sack of potatoes from behind ant groan .) Oooops! It’s a little out of tune. hill and hands HOPALONG a potato peeler .) Now, get busy peeling potatoes, AMANDA : Nonsense! There is no time Hopalong. And when you’re through, I for that now. ( AMANDA grabs violin have pots to scrub, and pillow cases to and puts it back into case .) You’ll have iron. ( ANTS cheer and resume playing to work! games .)
HOPALONG (Startled ): But, what am I HOPALONG (To himself ): Look at that going to do? mountain of potatoes! On the other hand, look at that mountain of snow AMANDA (Taking HOPALONG’s arm outside! ( Rolls up sleeves and picks up firmly ): Come with me, Hopalong. I a potato ) There’s plenty of work here, have plans for you. ( Leads him toward the winter through. Great-great-great- ant hill ) great grandfather, phooey on your advice! ( Shakes head and starts to peel HOPALONG : But, you don’t understand. potato as curtain falls ) My great-great-great-great grandfa - ther told me about how he earned his THE END
PRODUCTION NOTES The Grasshopper and the Ant
CHARACTERS : 16 actors: two male, two cated in text; buckets; bandanna; toys female, and 12 male or female for Bee, and games; puzzles; bag of potatoes; Squirrel, and Ant Chorus. potato peeler. PLAYING TIME : 15 minutes. SETTING : A meadow. At center is a tree COSTUMES : Different-colored hoods, as with autumn leaves (cardboard cut- follows: green, with long antennae, for out). There is a cardboard cut-out of a Grasshopper; brown with small ears, beehive, at left, and one of an ant hill, for Squirrels; black with antennae, for at right. There are exits behind bee - Ants; yellow with black stripes, for hive, tree, and ant hill. Bees. LIGHTING : No special effects. PROPERTIES : Violin in case; large card - SOUND : Screeching sound, as indicated board cutouts of various food, as indi - in text.
62 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com Plays is protected by U.S. copyright law. Lower Grades Only current subscribers may use this play (www.playsmagazine.com).
Mr. Potato-Head and the Potato Bugs
Apologies offered in friendship should be appreciated and accepted. . . .
by Kevin Stone Characters POTATO-HEAD : Oh, Mr. T, I’m all mixed MR. POTATO-HEAD up! It was those potato bugs! They MR. T messed up my face. You see? This isn’t where my nose goes, not at all! POTATO BUGS, as many as desired MR. T : Maybe we should just peel you and start all over. TIME : The present. POTATO-HEAD (Aghast ): Don’t even SETTING : Bare stage. joke about peeling!
AT RISE : MR . POTATO-HEAD enters, MR. T : Well, let me help you get every - reciting a list. thing back in place. ( They begin work - ing to put his face back together .) POTATO-HEAD : Let’s see, what’s on the calendar for today? I have to see the POTATO-HEAD : There we are. . . .Yes, eye doctor, I play a game of squash that’s where my eye is supposed to go. with Mrs. Potato-Head, I go to the day - . . . .They sure messed me up, didn’t care and pick up the tots, and I need to they? ( They finish .) stamp some envelopes and get them in the mail. ( Swarm of POTATO BUGS MR. T : There, you’re all done. Ready to enters. ) Oh, no! Potato bugs! Go away! face the world again. Go away! ( POTATO BUGS rearrange POTATO-HEAD ’s face and exit, gig - POTATO-HEAD : Thanks, Mr. T, for gling. ) Oh, this is terrible. Just terrible. helping me save face. And I spent so long getting ready this morning! ( MR. T enters .) MR. T : Don’t mention it. Hey, here they come again. ( POTATO BUGS enter .) MR. T : Mr. Potato-Head! What hap - pened? You look kind of confused POTATO-HEAD : Potato bugs! Oh, no! today. Hide me! Don’t let them get me! Stay
NOVEMBER 2014 63 away from me, you potato bugs! Go bug good to forgive when someone says, somebody else! “I’m sorry”?
MR. T : Wait a minute. It doesn’t look POTATO-HEAD : Did you see what they like they’re here to play tricks. ( To did to me? They ripped my nose off and POTATO BUGS ) Are you? put it here! ( He does so. He continues to show what the bugs had done as he POTATO BUGS : No! rearranges his own face. ) Oh, no. What have I done? POTATO-HEAD : But they’re tricky bugs! They always play tricks! MR. T : Look at that. You look like a Picasso painting. You messed yourself MR. T : I don’t think they’re going to up. play tricks. Not this time. Do you pota - to bugs want to say something to Mr. POTATO-HEAD : I’m such a rotten pota - Potato Head? to! ( He sinks to the floor .)
POTATO BUGS (Ad lib ): We’re sorry. MR. T : Come on, you potato bugs. Let’s We’re sorry for messing up your face. help Mr. Potato Head put himself back We were just having a little fun. ( Etc .) together. ( POTATO BUGS and MR. T help POTATO-HEAD to his feet and MR. T : Did you hear that? They apolo - arrange his face the right way .) gized. They’re sorry for being mean to you. So what do you say to that? POTATO-HEAD : Thank you, Mr. T.
POTATO-HEAD : What do I say? I say go MR. T : You’re welcome. away! Bugs are bugs! POTATO-HEAD : Thank you, potato MR. T : But when someone apologizes, bugs. I do forgive you. I should have we should forgive them. forgiven you the first time, instead of getting mad. POTATO-HEAD : Are you kidding me? I’ll never forgive them! MR. T : Let’s all go get something to eat.
MR. T : Very well. You can sit and stew. POTATO BUGS : French fries! We want French fries! POTATO-HEAD (Aghast ): Don’t even joke about stewing! POTATO-HEAD (Aghast ): Don’t even joke about French fries! ( Curtain ) MR. T : O.K., but don’t you know it’s THE END
PRODUCTION NOTES Mr. Potato-Head and the Potato Bugs
CHARACTERS : 6+ male and female. antennae and attach cardboard or PLAYING TIME : 10 minutes. posterboard for abdomen. COSTUMES : Potato-Head is dressed PROPERTIES: None required. like the toy of the same name, with SETTING : Bare stage. detachable nose, eyebrows, mustache, LIGHTING and SOUND : No special glasses, etc. Mr. T. can wear any cos - effects. tume desired. Potato Bugs may have
64 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com Book Collections of Plays and Programs for Young People
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