ell, what a busy year it is turning out to be. Since W the last Banter, we entered a team in the Pattaya 10’s and nearly took first prize. Unfortunately the youth- ful Southerners took it away. Then came the Phuket 10’s. This year I was part of the touring party and I can vouch for those who said it was a great tour. There are some photos on the ensuing pages which give you an insight into how we won the Plate and how as a bunch of “Convicts” impressed the locals as well as visitors. Next, came the visit of Jonah Lomu and Steve Thomp- son to Bangkok. They put in a lot of time at Pattana on the Saturday coaching the kids and then attended a Charity dinner in the evening. It was a great few days while they were here with lots of photo opportunities. Bangers rugby shirts were given to them which they both immediately wore. The evening also inspired some unusual behaviour and the subject of a new t-shirt. Then the annual Bangers Golf Day. Very well organ- ised. It was a great day even if I only made 9 holes be- fore collapsing (it was the heat). Foxy (Soi Dog) made the prize giving more interesting than usual, by award- The biggest issue of the Banter sofar. So much to in- ing prizTes and then quickly taking them back!!. It was clude this quarter.. Paul Hollings has taken the reins great fun and thanks to the organisers and sponsors. as club captain. Best of luck Paul. Club entered the Finally, the “OUTTA HERE” farewell party for the de- Bangers in the annual Chris Kay’s Pattaya 10’s. This parting Bangers, again superbly organised and a great turn out (photos next Banter). The Bangers and the Li- was not a vets rugby competition. Most of Tom’s ons make a great team. Catering was courtesy of players were the wrong side of thirty five however, Grande Sheraton Sukhumvit under the watchful eye of they accepted the challenge played and nearly pulled Douggie. A big thanks also to the chief cook from Wall it off. Pipped in the final. It was anyone’s game at Street. It was a really an enjoyable family day and dem- halftime. Body on the line stuff. The Phuket 10’s gets onstrated what the Banger’s RC is all about - Fun Friendship and Fraternity. better every year. Unfortunately we missed out on the You will see in this Banter, advertising banners for the grand prize in the vintage division but never the less inaugural Bangers and Lions Ball (Debutantes and Di- came away with some silverware, However, lost the nosaurs). Please give it your full support; proceeds will Weasel Cup over a beer !!!!. Jonah Lomu in town for be shared by both clubs to further youth Rugby in Thai- the Bangkok Lions fund raising dinner. Great to see land. the big man LIVE. Getting him into a Banger jumper One important decision we have to make shortly. We was a coup now all we need now is to lure out for will be asking you, your preference, regarding next year’s club tour. Do we go to the Vintage Rugby in training on a Sunday!!!!. Coming up is the Bangers Christchurch New Zealand, and/or The Golden Oldies in Golf Day and farewell party for departing Bangers. If Edinburgh Scotland.? you have any comment to make regarding the Ban- We have a great club with great people, members and ter, email me at [email protected]. Remember friends let’s keep it that way. most of the stories come from members. So if I tap Your's in Rugby you on the shoulder………. Mike Andrew

Steve Thompson Visits Soi 33 Club Rooms English and British Lion prop Steve Thompson visited Wall Street for a couple of ales while he was in Bangkok for the Lions Rugby Dinner. The Bangers have been very lucky over the years, with a number of rugby personalities visitng the club while in town. They include Eric Rush, Dean Richards, Glen Ella, Bob Skinstad, Richard Loe, John Mitchell, Bob Dwyer and Dilap Kumar. Jonah Lomu A Hit With Kids Jonah was a hit with the young Lions when he conducted a rugby clinic at Pattana School. Aside from passing on rugby skills the genial giant took time to chat with the players and sign autographs. A few Old Bangkok Bangers mem- bers assisted Jonah with training, acting as “tackle bags”. They were happy to wax on about their brush with fame later over a beer. Lions Dinner Went Down Well With Punters All Bangers that attended The Bangkok Lion Rugby Dinner at the Queens Park Hotel enjoyed the evening Jonah Lomu and Steve Thompson were the guest speakers and the evening marshaled by the irrepressible Justin “Sambo” Sampson. Funds raised will be used to support the Bangkok Lions junior rugby development program. Roger To Crank Up Curry Club Roger Fitzgerald recently announced that he is going to crank up the Banger Curry Club. The turnouts at the monthly lunch have dropped off a tad over the last year. Roger, an old hand at organizing curry lunches in Bangkok, believes he can resuscitate the club and increase body count. As he points out “There are just so many good curry houses in Bangkok” World Cup Countdown At The Wall Of Knowledge The buzz on Wall of Knowledge at the moment is the World Cup later this year. This esteemed group of rugby know- it-alls, are hedging their bets but clearly New Zealand, are in the spotlight as potential winners with Aus- tralia, Ireland and Argentina as rank outsiders. Day Competed Against Bangers in Phuket Boat Race Banger Trevor Day for reasons known only to him, competed against his own team mates in a Boat Race to decide this years winner of the Weasel Cup at the recent Phuket 10’s. The Phuket Viagarabond and Bangers did not meet in the draw, so the teams brain trust concluded a “drink off” would resolve the situation. The Bangers lost by a glass. Banger Golf Day Hailed A Success The Golf Day at the Bangkok Golf Day was again a huge success. The day was hot and humid, however all partici- pants completed the course and quickly retire to an adjoining restaurant for rehydration and the ritual prize giving. Af- ter the rehydration procedure the group returned to the clubrooms for more liquid and supposedly to watch the All Blacks play the Bok’s. Reports are coming in some failed make it through the night. Farewell Party For Three Of Bangers Finest Three Bangers - Paul Bawden, Mark Williams, Dave Burge - are departing the Kingdom, The club and players have organized a farewell party. A big turnout is expected with wives, children and girlfriends etc invited to share in the celebration. See the club notice board for details.

A DISTURBING TREND The European rugby season has finally come to a close and once the little matter of the World Cup is out of the way (in the trophy cabinet in Dublin) the late start to the new season will bring some new faces to the Northern Hemisphere. The imminent influx of Kiwis, Aussies and Boks to British, Irish and French clubs is part of an ever growing trend. The Coach of the Bangers is a worried man. Some highly sought after talent from his big squad have been showing signs of restlessness in recent months. He’s worried that some of the players he has nurtured from mediocrity to total ineffectualness have already been approached by the big guns from Europe. I’ve always been trained be on the lookout for conspicuousness, otherwise it's hard to tell if someone is inconspicuous, so I have spotted changes in the behaviour of some players. There was the little case of Chris Hartley (albeit our 4th choice half back) playing against the Bangers in Phuket for his old mates from Manila. Then Andrew Tatam, captain of the Colts, flying half way across Asia to play in Saigon when the Bangers had the toughest games of their entire history just down the road in Pattaya. Even ex-cappie Trevor seemingly trying to do a Hansie Cronje and throw the final against the Doha Dogs in Phuket by dropping a sure try when even Stevie Wonder could have scored. If that wasn’t enough he then proceeded to drink for the Viagrabonds against us in the boat race for the Weasel Cup. There have been farewell kisses (well that’s how it looked Trevor and Andy), mysterious job re-assignments and seminars in Europe, refusals to drink after training, visiting ex-internationals masquerading as ‘guest speakers and one player was even so blatantly obvious as to ask if the dressing rooms in Ireland have central heating. To all the would be defectors, traitors and agents provocateurs I would say only two things. First look deep into your Banger soul and ask yourself if playing club rugby in Europe is what you really want. Second, can I have a cut of the transfer fee………… the Bangers haven’t paid me a bean since I got here.

WHAT A START What a start been to my Club Captaincy, just before I accepted the honour, we completely destroyed the form book and got to the final of the main competition of the Pattaya 10’s beating the Thai National Team on the way and losing narrowly to Wagga and his Southerners in the final. We won the plate in the Vets at the Phuket 10’s, no easy task against tough opposition and we most people know the story about Trevor doing his best not to score in the final! Jonah Lomu and Steve Thompson have been made honourary Bangers. Steve Thompson giving us the outstanding compliment of saying that the Bangers and the Lions were the best hosts he has ever had, and that man has won the World Cup!! We continue to get good numbers down to training on Sunday afternoons and for the Bangers ‘team-building’ after- wards – we can always do with more lads for both! There’s plenty coming up over the next few months, we have the Golf Day, the Bangers Family Day and we are ar- ranging more fixtures as The Banter goes to press. Things have never been so good for the OLD BANGKOK BANGERS but there is always ways of getting even better.

PREDICTIONS ASIDE EWE must admit, that being on the Sideline over the last couple of months, has had it’s ups and downs. However we have seen our fair SHEAR of competitive sports action local & international. Two South African teams contested the Final of Super 14 Rugby for the first time. Most of us experts never thought that would ever happen. Mind EWE, I must admit it did bring some SA’s of the woodwork that normally only venture out shrouded under a cloak of darkness. So, now we have NZ set to win the America’s Cup, NZ set to win the Tri-Nations Rugby, NZ set to win the Rugby World Cup….not bad for a country of 4 Million people and 40 Million Sheep. EWE know what they say, a one eyed man sees everything his way. Predictions aside, I have noticed more singing and dancing going on at the clubhouse lately, might have something to do with Rick buying and playing some decent music Over the next few months, there is plenty to keep us out of the house and in the club, WETHER it enjoying a couple or dozen ales, BBQ’s, embellishing and telling old and new stories or simply enjoying each others company. So no matter what sport, song or dance you enjoy make a effort to be noticed. EWE never know who may be watching.

FANTASTIC EFFORT Well what have the mighty Bangers and their illustrious colts been up to of late then? Many may say how the hell I would know when not actually present for the Party in Pattaya where the Colts played a brand of Rugby that can only be described as immense. The team which was just about a normal Bangers side with a few younger legs carrying the attack really put the Colts onto the Asian rugby map as someone to avoid on and off the field! A truly fantastic effort. Then came the Phuket Fumble as it affectionately know out of earshot from Trevor anyway. No Colts side on display this time but many made the trip and played for a host of the short and some slightly curly teams who found their way to the field on the way to another bar or game of connect 4. Once again, I was unlucky as I had to head back on the Saturday evening and therefore missed another great bash, it is just a shame that nobody can actually remember what happened, but they all insist that it must have been great as they were dressed as criminals! Oh what fun...... Tom's has been training us all relentlessly as usual and the beer count in the Red and White is slowly increasing as a result. We even ran about the other week but as it was hot it wasn't very popular! A week ago five hardened Bangers shunned the Club golfing fun and frolics of their more sedentary team mates and took to the field in Pattaya against Leicester University. The Barbarian - Bangers, Southerners, Panthers - side quickly jelled and took the game to the Midland puppies from the whistle. Nowhere was this evident than the scrum where we drove them back time and time again and that was with our slippery friend Eddie getting himself a ticket to the back row. After four 15 minute quarters we had won convincingly, in what must be said was a very powerful display led I must say by our Banger contingent. Another feather in the Cap lads!

Pass Me The Remote Petty criminals doing time in California can now pay for better accommodation. Prisoners in a dozen city jails can ap- ply for pay-to-stay upgrades, a four-walled alternative with privacy from other inmates. The upgraded cell costs US$82 a day and guests are allowed to bring an iPod or computer. They operate like VIP areas in nightclubs - you have to be in the know to even apply for entry - and jail administrators operate like bouncers, rejecting anyone they don't want. Initiation "Rookie Day" Boozing - six Rochester Institute of Technology students were hospitalized after a binge-drinking party where they were "pressured into consuming dangerously high levels of alcohol to join the school's rugby club." As a result, 8 older members of the men's and women's rugby clubs were arrested Most of the names were female!!!! In Charge Of A Wheelchair Wheelchair-bound German stunned police when they pulled him over for using the road and found he was 10 times over the legal alcohol limit for drivers. "He was right in the middle of the road," said a spokesman for police in the northeastern city of Schwerin today. "The officers couldn't quite believe it when they saw the results of the breath test. That's a life-threatening figure." The 31-year-old told police he had been out drinking with a friend and was about 2 kilometers from home when a squad car stopped him as he passed through the village. Police said that because the man was technically traveling as a pedestrian, he could not be charged with a driving offence "It's not like we can im- pound his wheelchair," the spokesman said. "But he is facing some sort of punishment. It's just not clear yet what ex- actly that will be

DRUNKEN IRISH RUGBY FAN A drunken Irish rugby fan was shown around town by his equally drunken Welsh mate after a hard-fought match at the Arms Park when they came upon a bar that had a ventriloquist as the evening's entertainment. The ventriloquist started his act and was in full flow when our two heroes staggered to their stools at the bar and ordered a pint. Suddenly the ven- triloquist started slating the Irish: "What about the Irish then, eh,are they stupid or what?" To the sound of laughter the Irish rugby fan turned round and shouted: "Oi, now that wud be the end of that sir," and started to take his coat off, "oim sick and tired of hearin' us Irish bein taken da mick out of by youse English" (yep the ventriloquist was English). OUT- SHOIDE said the irishman... But it's only a joke, said the ventriloquist. "You shut your mouth," said our hero "OIM NOT TALKIN TO YOU, OIM TALKIN TO DAT LITTLE MAN ON YOU'R KNEE" YOU LEFT YOUR WHEELCHAIR THERE An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again." A RUGBY PLAYER FROM CARDIFF A rugby player from Cardiff is having a quiet drink in a Sydney Bar. He leans over to the big guy next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear an Aussie joke?". The big guy replies, "Well mate, before you tell that joke you should know some- thing: I'm six feet tall, 105kgs and I'm a Wallaby forward. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 115kgs and he's an ex- Wallaby. Next to him is a bloke who's 6'5" weighs 120kgs and he's a current Wallaby second-rower. Now, do you still want to tell that Aussie joke?". The Welshman says, "Nah..... not if I'm going to have to explain it three times".

TALES FROM THE BANGER KITCHEN During the course of feeding the hungry masses at Wall Street, one has encountered some pretty strange dudes over the years. For the next couple of issues, I would like to remember some of the more colorful incidents that help to take the boredom out of the kitchen. In the early days, when Rick had his TV coverage upstairs which was religiously attended by about a dozen die-hards, things started off pretty simple with salads and sandwiches served at the half time break. Also back then, Hamish would drop by with everybody’s favorite - Haggis, and the whiskey to go with it. Now, as everybody knows, Haggis is served with mashed potatoes with a little whiskey poured over the Haggis and..voila..a feed that would warm the cockles of any Scotsman’s heart. On one such occasion, the haggis was hot, the potatoes were mashed, the whiskey was open and for those who could not take too kindly to a feed of haggis, cold cuts and bread rolls were the order of the day. Also on this occasion, the regu- lars were joined by none other than Broken Glass himself in his usual state of sobriety. Well, the half time whistle blew and Broken Glass made a bee-line to the food, piling his plate with cold cuts, bread rolls and mashed potato...but no haggis. When this oversight was pointed out to him he appeared a little confused over the finer points of the appreciation of haggis consumption. Never to be outdone, Broken Glass watched what the other guys around him were doing and decided to follow suit. A very small piece of haggis was propped onto the side of the plate and then for the whiskey...it went over everything...the cold cuts, the bread rolls, the mashed potatoes and finally, a small drib- ble over the haggis...what a mess...but again, not to be outdone, Broken Glass ended up a bigger mess by the end of the day.!!

NOW COFFEE IS GOOD FOR US A Harvard researcher recently stated that regular coffee drinkers may be lowering their risks for certain kinds of cancers and Type 2 diabetes by indulging in what many of us already consider to be the nectar of the gods. Whether coffee lowers the risks for those things or not matters not a whit to me. Good, bad or indifferent, I’m going to continue drinking it till I keel over because I’m a lot nicer to children and animals and yuppies when I’ve had my morning cuppa. Still, it’s good to hear something positive about one of my four basic food groups. Actually, I’ve been on a pretty good run lately, drink-wise. A few years back they told us one reason the French live so long is all that red wine they toss back. There have also been studies saying that a little hard alcohol (which I assume includes all that yummy scotch) isn’t bad for you, and might even have benefits, taken in moderation. I’m working on that last part. Other studies have also had nice things to say about dark chocolate and steak.. Why, if all these current studies are to be believed, I must be one of the healthiest people on earth. But even if I’m not, you know what? I know what I like and I’m going to keep enjoying them until the grim reaper shows up. Because it’s the sensual pleasures, like food and drink and sex, that make life worth living. Maybe we could all live 20 years longer if we obsessed over carbohydrates, hung out in oxygen bars and exercised to the point of exhaustion. The question then is, with life reduced to such a repetitive, crushing bore, why would you want to stick around another two decades anyway? To do what? Eat more sprouts? Give me 70 years full of good food, good drink and good friends. You go to the gym; I’ll go to the steakhouse with that little redhead in accounting who likes her good times. You’ll live longer, but I’ll have more fun. And isn’t that what life is about? Having a good time while you’re here?

PUT ON YOUR RED DRESS Plenty of upcoming sport to keep us riveted in our seats at the Wall of Knowledge Most of you will be familiar with the regular crew that hang out on the Wall (and a few irregular ones also) For those of you who are not familiar with some of the characters, I thought I would share with you my recent interview with one the originals on the Wall. Our Host and Patron, Rick "Offside" O'Shea I asked Rick a few questions and here are his answers : Favourite Food : “Anything Dougie pays for” Favourite Song : “Put on your Red Dress” Favourite Colour : “Yella for Manu Hurricanes, oh no, can't be that, that's also Australia. Black then” Favourite Tipple : “Ah...Oh sorry you said Tipple, ah Gin and Tonic” Favourite Party Trick : “Landing a RNZAF plane 100 metres short of the runway and costing the Air Force plenty” Favourite Rugby Teams : “Manawatu, Manu Hurricanes, All Blacks” Favourite Ref : “Jonathan Kaplan when he referees the Waratah’s” Favourite Venue : “That place on Soi- Oh I see what you mean - The Cake Tin” Most Difficult Customer : How many pages is the Banter this month ? Most Dreaded Live Sport Showing : India vs Pakistan, coz we run out of tea Favourite Moment in Wall Street : That's a hard one - perhaps Beardy sticking his tongue down Jennifer’s throat not knowing she was a katoey What Do You Most Wish For : “That I could have better relationship with some of my fellow bar owners”

the Thai national barbarian side. BANGERS BEAT THE BOOKIES Young fast and skilful Thais against the geriatric Colts. The Pattaya 10s competition this year will go down as the What should be the game plan? Play Bangers rugby and Bangers greatest ever display of club spirit and rugby skill keep it in the pack which we not only managed to do but in our 6 year history. The short trip from Bangkok was to went on the win our first ever international 2 tries to 1. prove to be an epic journey of And it was well deserved. As we looked around in club transformation. There was disbelief on reaching the semis it dawned on us that we initial disappointment when we could very well get to the final as our semi-final found out that instead of opponents were the courageous but inexperienced entering both a vets and a Colts Chiang Mai team. As was expected Bangers rugby team no other vets team had dominated again as our showed up. The organizers pack ground them down asked us to field 2 Colts teams and we registered a 3 to but we didn’t have the numbers 1 win to reach the finals. to oblige so we entered only the And who do we get but main competition as the Old none other than the Bangkok Bangers Colts. Southerners. The The Colts was actually a ultimate match fix. With misnomer as most of the team a few Bangers tied in was made up of veteran Bangers with an average age of lucrative contracts with 43. First up the Colts took on the new kids on the block the the Southerners they from Shrewsbury (pronounced Shrosebury) School were not released to play with the Colts so they paraded led by our very own Banger Chris (Doh) Lynn. He Bangers their strongest ‘Gold’ team to take on the ‘Geri-Colts’ in pack, as they did throughout the competition, proved too the final A very hard fought first half saw the teams go in strong and the Colts got off to a 4 try to 1 win. Next up was level at nil all. In the second half the depleted and weary the very strong and combative navy team. The Colts lost Colts had exhausted our entire squad while the the game 2 tries to 1 but won the fight which resulted in the Southerners, with more subs than a U Boat flotilla, were Navy having 2 guys sent off for tactics which could only be able to keep fresh and score more points than us to win. described as conduct unbecoming officers. This defeat Congrats to them and Wagga for being voted MVP. was not a real set back for the Colts as we know we could In the end the Colts were actually the MVP of the have won and we rebounded with a 4 to 1 win over the tournament i.e. Most Victorious Pack. Our back line, Panthers who by that stage had played about 8 games as though depleted through injury and lack of back up, they covered defended extremely well and we had superb for missing performances from Earth and Andrew both in defence teams in the and attack. Even Tom got preliminaries. a run out at half back and So the Bangers steadied the ship when we came second were 4 to 1 up in the first in the group to game with 2 minutes left go through to and the opposition looking the quarters of for a big upset. It would be the cup. As we nearly impossible to single left on the first any single performance so night it looked here are the names of what like that would are now legends in the be against our junior feeder team from the Southerners club. Dave Burge, Eddie who had taken a very strong squad of 30 players to Pattaya Evans, Paul Hollings, Andy Talling, Robert Hill, Chris and fielded 2 teams. Saturday night was spent avoiding Lynn, Bob Pearson, Jeff Klentzl, Nick McBride, Andy the Southerners as rumours of match fixing and bribery McRobby, Kook, Rod Kerr, Chris Hartley, Steve abounded along Walking Street in Pattaya. Sunday Mommaerts, Earth, Andrew Hjelmeland, Christo morning and the big crunch was eagerly awaited by the Lemmers, Darren (on loan from the Panthers) and Tom Colts but only to be disappointed when it was learned that Kerr. We had great support form the club Leeches and the draw had been changed (some say rigged) and the John Jaspers took some fantastic pictures. Nick McBride Colts did not face the Southerners but Nanglen who were was top scorer with 4 of our tally of 14 tries. Only 8 tries were scored against us in the whole tournament

TWO MORE RUGBY LEGENDS IN BANGKOK The Old Bangkok Bangers welcomed two legends in rugby to Bangkok. The famous All Black winger Jonah Lomu and the English AND British Lions hooker Steve Thompson. Both were due at the clubhouse on Thursday night but that never occurred as the bars were shut to observe a Buddhist holiday. However, Steve Thompson came in on Saturday and what a big guy he is. It is always great to see legends in town. The staked Trophy cabinet suffered a withdrawal when the Bangers lost the Weasel cup at the annual Phuket tourna- ment. The cup is played for by the Phuket Viagrabonds and the Bangers...I believe it came down to a boat race in the end to decide the winner. The Tri-Nations have at last started and the competition promises to be close with Australia just going down to South Africa. The World Cup is just around the corner. And then there is the America’s Cup Every Thursday night is club night at Wall Street. Banger members get two free drinks. Just show your membership card. It’s the one night during the week that gets the members together and its silly to miss out on the free beer.

New Zealand entered the fray and dominated the event for the next few years. Since its inception the following countries have taken part in the Classic: England, Ire- land, Scotland, Wales (combining into the Classic Lions Bermuda, which is just 22sq.miles in area and situated in 1993) France, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, about 750 miles south-east of New York, has gained an Canada, the United States, Argentina, Spain, Portugal, enviable reputation in the world of international rugby for Uruguay, Europe and Bermuda. the quality of it’s' rugby events which have attracted play- Some of the great names of international rugby have featured in the nineteen Classics including: Philippe Sella, Jean Patrick Lescaboura, Olivier Roumat, Laurent Cabannes, Jean Condom, Patrick Esteve, Jean Luc Sa- dourney, Emile N"tamack, Phillipe Bernat-Salles, , Joe Stanley, Stuart Wilson, Buck Shelford, Steve McDowell, Craig Innes, , Phil Kearns, Richard Harry, Damian Smith, "Willie" Ofahen- gaue, , Deon Oosthuizen, , , Tian Strauss, Brendan Venter, , Peter Rossouw, , Naka , Steve Smith, JPR Williams, Andy Irivne, Wade Dooley, , Allan Martin, Allan Bateman, John O'Driscoll, Kenny Logan, Rafael Madero, Diego Cuesta Silva…..The list goes on With ten international matches in the Classic competi- ers from all around the world. tion, a women's international as well as an international The World Rugby Classic was first played in Bermuda in match involving Bermuda and the Caribbean, the Clas- 1988, developing from the Easter Rugby Classic, an event sic has caught the imagination of players and spectators which featured many of the world's top players from 1972 alike. With spectators able to mix freely with some of the to 1992. As players left the international arena, mainly due great names of international rugby in a great social envi- to the whims of the international selectors, a void was cre- ronment, Classic week is an event unique in the world of ated in that a stage no longer existed for the players to sport. show their many talents or to inter-mingle with their fellow Add in the ambience of Bermuda with its magnificent internationals from around the globe. Thus, the idea was beaches and golf courses, and you have the makings of conceived to bring back these players by providing them an experience which you will want to repeat year after with an opportunity to, once again, represent their country year. in international competition. the Seniors World Cup of Rugby, the World Rugby Classic was born. I was fortunately to be involved on the committee of the original Easter Sunday Classic and have witnessed the And so in 1988 England, Wales, Scotland, Ireland and the growth and popularity. Ah memories. United States traveled to Bermuda to join the host country in the first World Rugby Classic. Wales emerged the vic- Hamish Watters—ex Bermuda RFC & Bangers Captain tors, defeating England in the Final but the following year

tournament was organized meant that a loss in the first BANGERS DO PHUKET game automatically Escaped convicts, bull riding, Chinese text messages, relegated us to the French flair, ruined rugby reputations, zambucca, Plate. grappa, homophobic No matter, on to the spam kissing, breast Plate semi and the feeding and, as Bangers dispatched a always, silverware to very strong Arabian take home. Just Gulf Legends team to another tour for the reach the final on Bangers. Bangkok’s Sunday. Before that new airport scandals took place there was were significantly the Saturday night dressing up and the court session to get worsened with arrival through. of 25 Bangers who proceeded to dress like a cross Twenty five Bangers gathered in the foyer wearing only between hardy Irish rice farmers and Basque terrorists. underpants and slippers fifteen minutes after arriving back A bunch of Basqhards you could say. The ‘one size fits from the stadium in a show of cultist obedience that can only all’ sarong was too small for Chairman Mao mac mac be described as lemming like. Coach handed out the tour kit while Soi Dog could have got another 13 of himself - convict black and white striped uniforms. Convicts were inside it. As he said, and as Pope Leo X’s ceremonial assigned hideous crimes for which they had been vestments were famous for in incarcerated such as Banker, Insurance Salesman, French, th the 19 century, ‘you can hide Carnal Knowledge, Drunk and Disorderly. The chain gang half an orphanage in here’. headed to the Beach Bar for a rollickingly sumptuous BBQ Childish antics and jokes and then to the beach itself for the court. Walking Street was preceded take off on Bangkok then subjected to a chain gang winding it’s way in single file Airways flight to Phuket. from pub to pub and any poor tourist who just happened to All fear of mismanagement be wearing black and white stripes was hauled into the line disappeared when we arrived like a long escaped inmate. in Phuket to be met by A roll call of inmates on Sunday minibuses laden with tour morning revealed that all were tipple and an enjoyable safely back behind bars the night journey to Patong ensued. By before. A late start at the stadium this time snitches had been appointed and some tourists meant that the Bangers could have who should have known better began to slowly a leisurely breakfast and relate incriminate themselves. Checked into hotel and out the tales of escape tunnels being doors again 15 minutes later to the Beach Bar where routed out the night before. The Pete was on hand, as he had done the previous 2 years, final of the Plate matched the to greet us in that most eclectic and complicated of Bangers with the Doha Dogs and welcomes ‘g’day mates’. again we lifted our performance to play our best rugby of the Saturday morning came too quick and people-watching tournament to win the trophy by the margin of just one try. in the foyer of the Actually it should have been more except…….well shall we hotel was the order say it wasn’t Trefor’s finest hour in front of 1,000 spectators, of the day until the most of whom collectively moaned like an orgy in a convent, buses came to take when he was only 5 metres from the line with only fresh air us to the stadium. to beat he spilled the ball and his After the Bangers entire 15 year reputation as Asia’s donned their new Man of Rugby collapsed before all strip a team photo our eyes. A priceless piece of rugby was attempted and folklore which earned him the award spoiled by senior members of the club who did not know of ‘Old Codger Most Likely to Dodge how to pull up their socks or even put them on. First the Coffin’ which is the Vagabonds rather politically correct game up was against the Philippines Volcanoes who way of saying ‘Howler of the Tournament’. Trefor decided to were led by the Bangers very own Chris Hartley who drink with the Vagabonds in the boat race to determine the had smuggled Bangers training videos to the opposition winner of the Weasel Cup. That was it, tour over for another who then played cunningly to cancel the Bangers year, although a few stragglers remained on. Next year’s forward game and exploit our lack of speed on the wing. planning is already underway with the organisers having If only we had played the 20 metre running rule a suggested that all visiting teams dress to a common different result would have ensued. The way the theme……..WARRIORS.

A barbecue. No matter the variety - either the old, small, rusty, circular plate model with three legs, or the ridiculous 100.000 Baht multi-plate cooker with la- sers, thermostats and cruise control - the hotplate should be coated with caked-on meat juice from previous feasts Studies by experts have shown that the "essence of meat" en- large rocks are also adequate. If you leave a chair to hances flavour by up to eight non-specific units of taste. Frying complete a task that will benefit yourself (a toilet stop), pans can be used in an emergency (lack of grill space or no that chair is open for the taking. But if you leave your gas) but only if the frying takes place outside. chair in order to help someone else (fetching beers), it is Ideally, the barbecue should be fired up on a beach, deck, pool- not allowed to be commandeered, no matter how com- side, grass that catches the last of the sun. Inevitably, after it fortable. starts raining, it will be fired up in a garage or under shelter. If manning the grill, be prepared for regular criticism of At least three different animals to cook, all of which should be your tong and spat- marinated for about three days (sausages, some of which con- ula techniques. Non- sist of three different animals anyway, only count as one). Man alpha males - and, cannot live on meat alone - well, not for too long, anyway - so, occasionally, manly to promote females - will ruth- the con- lessly exploit any sumption weaknesses. of bal- Although purported anced di- to be a spice by ets, some manufactur- guests ers, char grill is not a flavour. It's a state of mind. As a should be rule, the blacker the food the better the barbecue, espe- offered cially when it comes to mystery meats such as sausages onions, or patties. If food is dropped, the 10-second rule is to be tomatoes applied. If food is on the ground for longer than 10 sec- bread and onds, pets are legally entitled to it. If the item in question a range of is back on your plate in less than 10 seconds, however, BBQ sauces. the food is safe to consume One novelty apron. Perhaps a perennial favorite like "Kiss the Always remember that serviettes are for cheaters and/or Cook", "No 1 Dad" or "Dominatrix" with large rubber breasts the aristocracy. Barbecue purists understand that dirty and pierced nipples. Conversely, true barbecue aficionados mouths and/or faces must be wiped clean with the backs might prefer to cook topless, letting the smoke waft upon their of hands and/or forearms, which are either to be licked chests and the grease splatter upon their mid-sections. and/or wiped on nearby furniture. Being fearless hunters, gatherers and providers, males tend to Unashamed carnivores should wax philosophical and gravitate towards the grill, watching over the meat while drink- say: "Nowhere is the bounty of the Earth more obvious ing beer and talking about sport; whereas females tend to gos- or glorious than when a selection of God's most deli- sip indoors, preparing their delicious tidbits and staying within cious creatures are grouped together, sizzling upon thy arm's length of the wine stash. No one is entirely sure if these hotplate, readying themselves for a swift journey into the evolutionary barbecue traits are genetic or cultural - not even gullet." Or, more concisely: "@*% me, look at the size of "scienticians" - so, in the interests of sticking religiously to in- those steaks ." grained stereotypes, split into same-sex groups upon arrival. Zealots should lament rampant consumerism by saying: "Frugal guests" should bring one sausage, then proceed to fill "The evolution of the barbecue is indicative of the their plate with the steak, chicken and fish provided by other scourge of influenza afflicting the Western World. These parties. This gesture is made even more offensive if the sau- metal monstrosities are only purchased in a vain attempt sage provided is vegetarian. Similar rules also apply for beer: at to enhance social status through the acquisition of mate- the start of the feast, "frugal guests" should drink the Heineken rial possessions." Tiger San Miguel and Cloudy Bay Sauvignon Blanc. Then, While cracking open beer number 12, criticize binge when the high-quality beverages have all been consumed, be- drinking culture and slur: "The problem is not what we're grudgingly start drinking the Singha, Cheers, Beer Chang and drinking, it's who we're drinking with." Proceed to shake the cheap French vin de table. beer bottle vigorously, spray over guests, turn stereo up At a stretch, barbecue food can be eaten inside, but this de- and yell loudly at the neighbors, before falling asleep in tracts from the primitive nature of the experience. Uncomfort- the Ambrosia later in the evening. able deck chairs are recommended, but wooden crates, logs or

PROVOKING THE IRE…... There are many things that provoke the ire of a grumpy, but there some so perfidious that they provoke explosions of criticism far in excess of the usual grievances or objections. Take telephone answering services for example. Who was the prat who came up with the idea that we would all eventually like talking to a machine? Yes we know there are difficult times and staff have to be let go but couldn’t they have disposed with some of the managerial fat instead of the pretty young things who answered the phones. Well no, they were not all that good but much better than the torture of pressing the hash button only to discover that ten button back you made a fundamental error and appear to be negotiating house repayments when all you wanted to do was talk to a client services representative or find out your bank balance. It is sorely the cynical vulgar innovation ever perpetuated on the unsuspecting. Another thing that gets on my goat is business jargon. This is the patois employed by plonkers in a pointless attempt to appear both interesting and informed. The following is bit a short list of commonly abused words but to grumpies they are the most obnoxious examples currently in fashion. Accountable, At The End Of The Day, Critical Deliverables, Downsize, Empowered, Enhance, Feedback, Holistic, Knowledge Management, Leading Edge, Prioritize, Synergies... Take “Valued Customer” as in “Dear Valued Customer” for example. A form of address employed by companies who cannot be bothered to remember client names and directed at a punter who has a line of credit. That really winds me up. And then there are international rugby referees … Don’t get me started

&

Dan, The Underpants Man

Beer Belly Dispenser

New Sport—Can Eating

Welsh Rarebit