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Our Collective Journal, Chapter 27 HOW HAS THE LIGHT BEEN REVEALED THROUGH HOPE LOST, HOPE FOUND OR HOPE SUSTAINED?

Giving Up Dad did the dishes after dinner. I dried In this Chapter Our father was both a wonderful, most of the time. So it was a relatively  Giving Up lovable parent and an abuser, both a low-key moment for raising something.  The Gift of Hope Though I thought at the time I’d never liar and a former medic who sometimes  This Too Will (Siskiyou) Pass understood how to comfort without forget my exact words, I have. It went  Ouroboros being asked, both a vicious intellectual something like this: “Dad, I have  Hope bully who gaslighted all of us and a something I’d like to ask you.”  Angel Doves producer of truly inventive ideas. To “What’s that, baby?” say his wife and two children were  Deep Seated Love Brings Hope confused, while accurate, does not do “Could you please be like other  Election Day, November 8, 2016 justice to the anguished internal fathers?”  The Separation contortions, self-attacks, pain and rage “Oh, no, baby. That’s just not the way  My Prayers Answered that filled the atmosphere at home, I am.” even when we were not interacting. The Gates of Hope And with that simple, serious exchange By the time I was sixteen the family the light of reality began to grow and to Our mission is to plant ourselves was, finally, falling apart. We, or replace the darkness of false hope. at the gates of Hope -- Not the prudent gates of Optimism, sometimes just our parents, were Maybe more important, that lovely Which are somewhat narrower. traveling a couple of hours for therapist who had so nondirectively Not the stalwart, boring gates of appointments with a family therapist. suggested the importance of speaking Common Sense; He saw me individually once and asked up, had begun my lessons in how to Nor the strident gates of me what I’d like to ask of my father, if I hope: not for the fine, glorious Self Righteousness, could. I think he was surprised by my redemption one can imagine, but for Which creak on shrill and angry hinges answer, but gently went on to ask how I the next good step, the thing one can (People cannot hear us there; thought he would respond. That do in the face of so much one cannot. they cannot pass through) Nor the cheerful, flimsy garden gate of stumped me. I had no idea, but the That is the hope that is such a "Everything is gonna' be all right." seed had been planted. Perhaps I was wonderful ingredient of our daily But a different, sometimes lonely place, not so desperately helpless after all. bread. The place of truth-telling, Perhaps I could speak to my father. —Kathy Knowlton About your own soul first of all and its condition. Minding the Light is a collection of stories from the lives of members and The place of resistance and defiance, attenders of West Hills Friends, a Quaker meeting in Portland, Oregon. The piece of ground We publish quarterly, or as the Spirit leads. Among Quakers, “minding the Light” means noticing, listening for and paying heed to the voice of from which you see the world our Teacher. Both as it is and as it could be As it will be; The place from which Early Quakers kept journals about their relationships with God and shared them with the community. For example, John Woolman’s Journal has been you glimpse not only struggle, continually in print for more than 200 years. By publishing stories from But the joy of the struggle. our community, we hope to continue the Quaker tradition of disclosing And we stand there, God’s activity in our lives. beckoning and calling, Each issue is organized around a specific query about minding the Light. Telling people what we are seeing Our writers speak from their own experience, not going beyond the meas- Asking people what they see. ure of Light they’ve been given. We hope these stories will transform our —Victoria Safford, Minister, White Bear Unitarian way of seeing God and each other and that they will bring comfort to those who seek news of God’s presence in the world. Universalist Church, Mahtomedi, MN © 2017 Minding the Light Page 1 Oct. 2016-Jan. 2017

CHAP 27: HOW HAS THE LIGHT BEEN REVEALED THROUGH HOPE LOST, HOPE FOUND OR HOPE SUSTAINED? Jesse (who had been paralyzed) was remains as part of an inward river of The Gift of Hope walking. He looked healthy and ener- memories and feelings that comfort me October 2006. Four months since my getic and told Claire, “I can do every- with reminders of God’s love and son Jesse died. Until now my grief had thing now.” But Jesse had other reasons grace—like Claire’s dream. been tempered by hope that he would for visiting Claire than to show that he — Sally Gillette come to me in a dream to show me that was alive and well, and this element of [Postscript] About six weeks after he was okay. But as days and weeks the dream took time and prayer to Claire’s dream, Mike and I went to passed, I began to fear that something discern. Jesse’s grave on his birthday. As we was wrong, and I was close to despair. Jesse told Claire that this dome-covered stood beside the grave, still covered with I had expected to hear from Jesse very place was where he had lived. As he a mound of dirt, I was aware of the soon because, like me, he had the showed her around, he told her that connection between graves and sweat dream gift that runs in our family. he’d been troubled while living there, lodges. I read aloud a Nez Perce poem Every family member I’d been close to and he shared a few details known only about the sweat lodge that I’d found had come to me at least once in a to me. Jesse said these things were in when praying about Claire’s dream. In dream after they died—although some- the past, that he’d been healed. the poem (below), confession is part of times not for years. And Jesse and the healing experience. The italicized Outside, as Jesse and Claire stood talk- I had talked about communicating words are spoken by Old Man, the ing beside a split rail fence, I rode up through dreams after one of us Sweat Lodge. on an Appaloosa — a Nez Perce horse. “crossed over” (as he called it). Claire didn’t know then that horses The dream I’d been waiting for arrived have special meaning for me or that Old Man the Sweat Lodge by email one Sunday evening. A wom- Jesse had once named a horse I’d seen This small lodge is now an from Meeting who I didn’t know in a vision. The womb of our mother, Earth. well at the time had written about a This blackness in which we sit, dream she was feeling led to tell me. The ignorance of our impure minds. Claire’s dream was a dart to the heart These burning stones are of comfort, hope, and joy—strong heal- The coming of new life." ing medicine. As I read the dream, I keep his words near my heart. I knew instantly that it was Jesse. Confessing, I recall my evil deeds. I cried for joy and was euphoric for For each sin, I sprinkle water on fire hot stones. days. People at Meeting and work The hissed steam is sign that remarked on the change in me. The place from which Earth's seeds grow Is still alive. The full dream with commentary would He sweats. take too many words, so highlights fol- I sweat. low, with quotes around Claire’s words. As I prayed and journaled about I remember, Old Man heals the sick, The dream had a “Native American Claire’s dream, I saw a connection Brings good fortune to one deserving. motif,” though Claire knew nothing between the leather dome that covered Sacred steam rises; then of my ancestry or background. the area where Jesse had lived and I feel my pores give out their dross A house and the surrounding area were rawhide domes that cover sweat lodges. After I chant prayers to the Great Spirit, covered by a dome of buff-colored leath- And I came to see Jesse’s confession to Through this door dawns wisdom. er, like the surface of a drum. As Claire as part of a healing process, Claire looked at the dome, an opening sometimes uncomfortable, that the Cleansed, I dive into icy waters appeared and Jesse came through. dream had likened to a sweat lodge Pure, I wash away all of yesterday. Before the opening closed behind him, experience. "My son, walk in this new life. Claire saw the sky beyond —“bluish- It is given to you. The euphoria from Claire’s dream black with billions of bright stars, like Think right, feel right. lasted only a few weeks, and the grief salt on a dark blue plate.” Be happy." returned, but the healing medicine

CHAP 27: HOW HAS THE LIGHT BEEN REVEALED THROUGH HOPE LOST, HOPE FOUND OR HOPE SUSTAINED?

This Too Will (Siskiyou) Pass I tried every possible solution. Queries for Chapter 28 By the time we reached the Siskiyou I turned the steering wheel one way, Our next Query: When have you Pass, the sky was dark. A steady then the other. I tried braking. I snowfall sparkled in the sweep of tried accelerating. Nothing altered been led to a place of healing? Tell us my headlights. The road was the trajectory of my car. I felt a story about your experience of a slippery and visibility was very completely helpless. location that was healing or limited. Behind the wheel, I felt It occurred to me that this moment restorative to you. a knot of tension in my stomach. would not last forever. At some I was in my early twenties. I had point, this lightly armored We encourage young Friends to little confidence in my abilities, and marshmallow would stop sliding. participate, so please consider even less confidence in my vehicle. Either we would collide with interpreting this query for young I was driving a borrowed Ford another solid object, or some children in your life to see if it miracle of inertia would bring us to sedan. The seats were comfortable. makes them think of a story. If it But even on dry pavement, the car a halt. That realization gave me does, consider helping the child tell moved like a giant marshmallow. hope. At some point, this terrible their story in words or images, or Everything was squishy and moment will end. ask us for a Story Catcher. imprecise. Inexorably, the Ford sedan slid To further complicate matters, my across the median. It slid into the Story Deadline: in-laws were in the back seat. lane of oncoming traffic. Then, I should’ve said, "I don’t feel finally, it came to a stop. A police April 28, 2017 comfortable driving this car in the officer pulled up next to me and snow." But I didn’t say that. rolled down his window. After Publication Guidelines asking if everyone was alright, he As we came around one curve in motioned me back onto the Stories and other written responses the freeway, the night sky was freeway. We continued down the should be 500 words or less, and suddenly illuminated by an orange mountainside without further written in the first person by a glow. A car was burning on the side mishaps. member or attender of West Hills of the road. Other drivers had Friends. Written responses should stopped, and it didn’t appear as if The story isn't terribly dramatic. be submitted in text format in the anyone was in immediate danger. There was no collision. There body of an email addressed Even so, the knot in my stomach wasn’t even a near-miss. I guess the to: [email protected]. twisted into a double knot. burning car was dramatic, but it was only visible for a moment. Yet this Story content should be appropri- After we started our descent into memory has become a touchstone ate for young Friends. California, I lost control of the car. for me: Sometimes, hope is I had enough time to think, "This If your story needs to be edited to knowing that the current situation car is rear-wheel drive. So that conform to our guidelines, one of will change. means I should turn into the skid." our editors will contact you. — Mike Huber Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t Please include a title and byline regain control of the car. We were with your submission. We will moving quite slowly, but I was withhold your name at your powerless to prevent the car from request, or use initials, etc. sliding downhill. That meant we Original music and videos should were sliding over a narrow median be submitted as links to websites and toward oncoming traffic. This paper is 100% Post-Consumer Recycled like YouTube or Vimeo. © 2017 Minding the Light Page 3 Oct. 2016—Jan. 2017

CHAP 27: HOW HAS THE LIGHT BEEN REVEALED THROUGH HOPE LOST, HOPE FOUND OR HOPE SUSTAINED?

Ouroboros better intentions. We'll abandon Hope real people in our physical lives in Hope has long been a friend of There’s a mummy on the hillside: mine. As a depressed teenager, the favor of idolized people thousands me. Wind- and sun-dried, with thing that most kept my spirits up of miles away. We'll repeat the new grass growing up green and was the anticipation of the next mistakes of our ideological rank around it, I am long dead, youth group event, or date with a opponents, changing the labels, but sunken, wizened, hollow. The skin girlfriend. Whatever the reasons for keeping the logical errors. We'll below the breastbone splits like old my current sadness, the future was a allow ourselves to be emotionally paper, and particles of colored light question mark, and sometimes affected by the sorrows of people we escape. They gather in a little question marks are amazing. can't help, and will never meet, but we'll never learn that our neighbor whirling ball just above the corpse As a young adult, my hope was has a lost a partner, or that our for a long moment. Like a smaller in scope. During long days postal carrier got a promotion. It's hummingbird, suddenly the ball of at work, my hope was in an evening as if our technological evolution has light speeds off and disappears in of video games, or the dinner I surpassed our mind's ability to cope the distance. planned to make later. My life was a with everything our eyes can see, —Derek Lamson, 1995 series of small hopes followed by and we're paying the price for it. I small victories, and nearly all the Light Brigade* don't know how to process daily days were good days. Clerk (Alternating) doses of disappointment. In myself. Mike Huber, Recording Clerk My early thirties expanded my In others. Anne Anderson hopes to the distant world, and the I want my hope back. I want to Carol Bosworth supernatural. Maybe God could be believe that events and people and Stephen Deatherage found again. Maybe the latest social organizations matter. I want to Peg Edera justice cause had a light at the end believe that light is real, and that Sally Gillette of the tunnel. Each day had the Pat M. I'm capable of finding it. It seems possibility of far-reaching Julie Peyton absurd to be hoping for hope. But improvement, and I looked forward Britten Witherspoon maybe recognizing the circular to participating in it. When social [email protected] motion of it all is the first step in justice asked me to shun people *Story Committee making it real. who thought differently than me, —Ryan Blanchard New seed my hope in people led me to put my is faithful. efforts elsewhere. For a long time, It roots deepest I thought my hope was well placed.  in the places These days I struggle to find hope Never lose hope, my that are most of the time. Because humans dear heart. Miracles dwell in most empty. the invisible. are as weak as we are, we betray our — Clarissa Pinkola Estes —Rumi © 2017 Minding the Light Page 4 Oct. 2016—Jan. 2017

CHAP 27: HOW HAS THE LIGHT BEEN REVEALED THROUGH HOPE LOST, HOPE FOUND OR HOPE SUSTAINED?

Angel Doves off. Hopelessness continued. I cried as I listened to these song A few years ago our family went lyrics, “Keep on believing God is through a difficult time. The Great soaring above a world that’s Recession swept away our fragile running out of love. Pouring hope home business and we were in out over us, His angel doves.” I had danger of losing our home. We no belief that we were worthy or started questioning our under- significant enough to receive standing of God and the Bible, anything. leading to the loss of our church family and some friendships. We One afternoon, after arriving home had hopes of having a child which from an errand, I noticed a small, were continually dashed. It was white envelope under our front hard for people in our lives to know mat. In it was some money, enough how to help us, most of them for the medical procedure, and a having been insulated from these short note asking us not to seek out kinds of devastating losses. I felt the giver. After having the Mesa Verde Kiva: Light in the Ruins. ancient and alone. procedure the kind doctor Mike Huber informed us our daughter’s kidneys I remember erupting in pain and were functioning well. tears at book club one night. I had Hope is the thing with feathers lost hope and was truly not able to Another time a family member left manufacture an ounce of belief that a box of food in our kitchen. A bit That perches in the soul, life could get better for us. The later a week’s worth of food was kind of faith that had previously given to us by some new And sings the tune without the structured my responses to life’s acquaintances. words, circumstances was gone for good. I would be dishonest to say that any That night was a small release of of these happenings revived a sense pain, but nothing came, no relief. And never stops at all, of hope in us. They were tiny drops The grim details of life in these of water in the desert. But these kind of conditions; food stamp And sweetest in the gale is heard; people carried us. Their faith lines, collection calls, silence from covered us when we had none, and church members, well-meaning And sore must be the storm we were given a heartbeat of relief words of advice and admonishment to keep funneling our every effort from friends, shame… were pressing That could abash the little bird into surviving. Meeting our so hard a deep breath was immediate needs meant we could impossible. take tiny steps into believing again That kept so many warm. During this time one of our that the world could be good. children became sick with a kidney I’ve heard it in the chillest land, Hope came again, slowly, without infection. We were told there could us even realizing it. One day I took be damage to her kidneys, and we And on the strangest sea; a deep breath. One day I laughed should make an appointment for a out loud. One day we were able to special procedure to assess her leave food on a doorstep for Yet, never, in extremity, condition. We had no money to someone else, infusing it with our cover the procedure, and had to fledgling faith in hope’s return. It asked a crumb of me. make the difficult decision to put it —Katie Gates — Emily Dickenson

CHAP 27: HOW HAS THE LIGHT BEEN REVEALED THROUGH HOPE LOST, HOPE FOUND OR HOPE SUSTAINED?

Deep Seated Love Brings Hope Election Day, November 8, 2016 The known becomes the unknown. It was the day after Election day, and I was The unknown looks me full in the face, unblinking, feeling deeply despondent. My brother kept At first incomprehensible. Now is the time, sending me non-political cartoons via email. I hear from someplace far away I asked him if he was trying to console me. Yet closer than breath, To step forward. Pete and I are 16 months apart. Our mom To cast aside the ease of compliance, That familiar, once-comfortable mantle used to say we were like two peas in a pod, Long tied about my neck, resting on my shoulders, or like a mama duck with her duckling The extreme heaviness of which I only now following. A few years ago, we realized we Begin to notice. Has the time perhaps come for us to grow up? are like emotional twins. We understand We are no longer an infant nation, each other and are there, always, to love each No longer the infant feeding, as infants always do, Off of the body of the all-giving Mother. other. That said, Pete is a born-again We filled in the little rectangles on our ballots; Christian and rock solid Republican. Our We sealed and stamped the envelopes and dropped them in the mail. pact is: we try not to talk about politics or There. That’s done. Now then, what’s next? religion. Back to business as usual. Who knew that we might not be able He called me late in the day, and I almost To return didn't answer. I didn’t need any gloating. To business as usual? Who knew that we were participating in a rite of passage, Instead, what he said was that 8 years ago, Embarking on a time of change, when Obama got elected, "I felt like you do A time of growing up? now. I understand how you feel." That we were being called to find our guidance, Our compassion, strength, and wisdom What had happened was that I almost lost Even in the stark and barren places of the night? Have we forgotten my brother. He took the pain and That every seed that springs to life depression and became filled with anger and Breaks open in the dark, Sending vibrant, life-empowered roots hate. He told me, "do you know how many Deep into the dark and fertile earth? people want Obama killed?" I was shocked. Have we forgotten that pain, even pain that overwhelms, His anger and hate spilled over into his life- Can be, at times, a natural part of giving birth? Each of us, his work, his family, me. I went to visit him Alone, and yet together as groups and as one nation, and his family, and he was wired so tight Rise up, each in our own way, to grow beyond All that we who call ourselves Americans that when I dropped something on their tile Have known. floor and it shattered, he screamed at us to We waken and we rise. get out. Then through, within, between, and all around us The great and beautiful, unquenchable Unknown Who was this man I so loved? That has been quietly gestating in the dark Begins to move, inch by inch and breath by breath, I didn't know if I could stay with them again. Along the birth canal of human consciousness To become But I kept needling Pete--I don't recognize The new and treasured you, why are you doing this, I love you, I’m Known. —Laurie Hoff Schaad

CHAP 27: HOW HAS THE LIGHT BEEN REVEALED THROUGH HOPE LOST, HOPE FOUND OR HOPE SUSTAINED? losing you, it scares me. I held in The Separation alongside me as long as I can remember sharing my carefree, there with him. I asked him to get Hope is the beguiling optimist who youthful optimism. She was with help. I told him I loved him. I did enchants me to another day. She me, along with Wonder, as I not desert him. whispers encouragement to open jumped from a plane and instead of What he told me on post-election my eyes; the trickster who takes worrying about plummeting toward night was this. He started to change. advantage during that fracture of the earth, I was enraptured with the He turned off the news. He didn't time between sleep and conscious- gentle curve of our blue planet, the engage in political discussions. He ness. The brief second that I lie black blanket of space above me decided to do the best he could every suspended between my dreams and and the brilliance of life. Yes, she day. He loved America no matter the world. That brief moment was there just to say “I told you so.” what. He looked for the good in his before dread sweeps through me life, his country and his fellow and I realize that my waking world Our relationship has changed now, Americans. In four years he could is the nightmare. The dread of and Hope uses my trust against me. vote again. He said, "I did all this, another day watching my husband Hope seems a little too much like a Kris, because I love you so much that battle for his life. cartoon character that is flamboyant and unreliable. Les is skeletal. He’s I couldn't stand the thought of losing Today, Hope watches me, shaking long since stopped eating solid you. And you continuously gave me her head. I’m blubbering on the food. No amount of cajoling, 'wise counsel’. You stood by me and cold, sterile tile floor of the hospital cannabis or care will help him eat believed in me." We were both bathroom, my temporary hideout more soup, bone broth, and protein sobbing. each week that Les is infused for 36 infused smoothies. Hope has He sent out a Facebook message to hours with chemotherapy - his become the fair-weather friend that this affect, and asked people who had treatment. I’ve taken a short break has cast me off like an old shirt. supported Trump to please not gloat. while he sleeps knowing that when He asked people to cross a bridge and I return, his face will have taken on I am blessed to have walked Les to make a connection. "We are not "us an ashy green tone. Hope is death’s portal. It is through the and them”, we are all Americans." demanding, “Put it in a box—we very narrow opening between need you up and at ‘em”. I splash worlds that I feel the vivid love and I still am not happy with the election cold water on my face and take a peace he is headed toward. But, as results, but more than anything, if he deep breath. Hope shadows me is the way, I am quickly pulled back and I could find a bridge, it gives me back to the infusion room. She’s to this grey and muddled world; my HOPE. And faith. And a belief in our popular here—like a diva rock star. disappointment in that I cannot democratic system. And yet, we are To me, she’s become more like a follow. Standing at this edge, fully more than our democratic system. stalker. Why does she insist on in the moment, vulnerable without Deep down, we are just humans and pursuing me so relentlessly? a reference point to grasp this loss; we need to look for that common I am unmoored. link. One person at a time….. I guess we have a long relationship —Kristine Kiser together and she’s been walking Les has been gone for nine months now. I’ve let Hope go on her way to

CHAP 27: HOW HAS THE LIGHT BEEN REVEALED THROUGH HOPE LOST, HOPE FOUND OR HOPE SUSTAINED? beguile someone else for the time My Prayers Answered 2015 but kept my name on the list anyway while my income fluctuated. being. I think Hope’s stardom is In March 2015 I decided to move from The temp agency brought the wage overrated despite her litany of the duplex. Rats were running in the down to meet the move-in requirement. endorsements; “Don’t lose Hope— walls and attic the last five years. Did The hallway heat keeps me so warm I you know the City would only do Hope for the Best—Hope to see you have not had to turn on the heat this something if the owner knows where soon”. winter. On October 20 I found a job 4 the entry is and doesn't fix it? Of miles from here for a low-income wage Don’t get me wrong- I’m not angry course there were traps and poison with a person I like in the area of or worried about this. I feel which left dead rats in the walls to accounting. pragmatic. The Loss of my husband smell. In the Spring while all of this was unveiled our impermanence and I lost permanent work in June 2013. happening I had the urge to go to Temp work was not steady. the ephemeral nature of who we Chicago. I no longer had a credit card are. I have stood at the edge of the By Feb 2016 a social service agency and did not have a permanent job. unknown and found a steadfast and helped to pay rent. I began at this time There was a grammar school reunion reliable, weathered friend with me. to pray for myself. I gave the owner a scheduled Labor Day and I wanted to list of 20 things that needed to be fixed I remember that truly what grounds see new friends I made on Facebook before I paid a rent increase. I filed for from grammar school. I looked on me and is always reliable is Love. bankruptcy. I was on lists for two years kayak.com and found airfare $400 —Claudia Carlough at apartments for those older than 55 round trip (too much). I was still and low-income. I was closest to move- praying everyday for myself. The next  in as #12. I called the City to inspect day I felt prodded to look again and my apartment for code violations. Both found an airfare $175 total. I bought it my neighbor and I were given evictions with money in the bank. Then heard in (90-days) which nulls the retaliation August my brother John and his wife aspect. were being harassed to move from a My mind is not wrapped around money building that fell into foreclosure in so I did not think, "Who will rent to Chicago. The sheriff's office in the City me if I file bankruptcy?" The money had an ordinance in place they would held by the State unemployment no longer serve evictions to building department during decision making did foreclosure victims. But the real threat eventually come into my hands. I found was he was sick. He would not be an apartment for $950 without an extra allowed anywhere with the alcoholism security deposit and scheduled to move- at that level. in June 25. I arrived in Chicago on August 31 for 3 My temp assignment was coming to an days-2 nights. My brother came with me end. I continued to pray every night for to the hospital and admitted himself. safe and affordable housing. On May His wife and my sister had tried for 10 30 I got a call from an apartment I was years to get him to do this. This is a on a list as #34 when I checked in miracle. He is staying in a nursing March. It was the complex I wanted home getting well now. Spring Crocus. Tim Ehlbeck most. I was over income by tax year —Name Withheld