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Our Collective Journal, Chapter 27 HOW HAS THE LIGHT BEEN REVEALED THROUGH HOPE LOST, HOPE FOUND OR HOPE SUSTAINED? Giving Up Dad did the dishes after dinner. I dried In this Chapter Our father was both a wonderful, most of the time. So it was a relatively Giving Up lovable parent and an abuser, both a low-key moment for raising something. The Gift of Hope Though I thought at the time I’d never liar and a former medic who sometimes This Too Will (Siskiyou) Pass understood how to comfort without forget my exact words, I have. It went Ouroboros being asked, both a vicious intellectual something like this: “Dad, I have Hope bully who gaslighted all of us and a something I’d like to ask you.” Angel Doves producer of truly inventive ideas. To “What’s that, baby?” say his wife and two children were Deep Seated Love Brings Hope confused, while accurate, does not do “Could you please be like other Election Day, November 8, 2016 justice to the anguished internal fathers?” The Separation contortions, self-attacks, pain and rage “Oh, no, baby. That’s just not the way My Prayers Answered that filled the atmosphere at home, I am.” even when we were not interacting. The Gates of Hope And with that simple, serious exchange By the time I was sixteen the family the light of reality began to grow and to Our mission is to plant ourselves was, finally, falling apart. We, or replace the darkness of false hope. at the gates of Hope -- Not the prudent gates of Optimism, sometimes just our parents, were Maybe more important, that lovely Which are somewhat narrower. traveling a couple of hours for therapist who had so nondirectively Not the stalwart, boring gates of appointments with a family therapist. suggested the importance of speaking Common Sense; He saw me individually once and asked up, had begun my lessons in how to Nor the strident gates of me what I’d like to ask of my father, if I hope: not for the fine, glorious Self Righteousness, could. I think he was surprised by my redemption one can imagine, but for Which creak on shrill and angry hinges answer, but gently went on to ask how I the next good step, the thing one can (People cannot hear us there; thought he would respond. That do in the face of so much one cannot. they cannot pass through) Nor the cheerful, flimsy garden gate of stumped me. I had no idea, but the That is the hope that is such a "Everything is gonna' be all right." seed had been planted. Perhaps I was wonderful ingredient of our daily But a different, sometimes lonely place, not so desperately helpless after all. bread. The place of truth-telling, Perhaps I could speak to my father. —Kathy Knowlton About your own soul first of all and its condition. Minding the Light is a collection of stories from the lives of members and The place of resistance and defiance, attenders of West Hills Friends, a Quaker meeting in Portland, Oregon. The piece of ground We publish quarterly, or as the Spirit leads. Among Quakers, “minding the Light” means noticing, listening for and paying heed to the voice of from which you see the world our Teacher. Both as it is and as it could be As it will be; The place from which Early Quakers kept journals about their relationships with God and shared them with the community. For example, John Woolman’s Journal has been you glimpse not only struggle, continually in print for more than 200 years. By publishing stories from But the joy of the struggle. our community, we hope to continue the Quaker tradition of disclosing And we stand there, God’s activity in our lives. beckoning and calling, Each issue is organized around a specific query about minding the Light. Telling people what we are seeing Our writers speak from their own experience, not going beyond the meas- Asking people what they see. ure of Light they’ve been given. We hope these stories will transform our —Victoria Safford, Minister, White Bear Unitarian way of seeing God and each other and that they will bring comfort to those who seek news of God’s presence in the world. Universalist Church, Mahtomedi, MN © 2017 Minding the Light Page 1 Oct. 2016-Jan. 2017 CHAP 27: HOW HAS THE LIGHT BEEN REVEALED THROUGH HOPE LOST, HOPE FOUND OR HOPE SUSTAINED? Jesse (who had been paralyzed) was remains as part of an inward river of The Gift of Hope walking. He looked healthy and ener- memories and feelings that comfort me October 2006. Four months since my getic and told Claire, “I can do every- with reminders of God’s love and son Jesse died. Until now my grief had thing now.” But Jesse had other reasons grace—like Claire’s dream. been tempered by hope that he would for visiting Claire than to show that he — Sally Gillette come to me in a dream to show me that was alive and well, and this element of [Postscript] About six weeks after he was okay. But as days and weeks the dream took time and prayer to Claire’s dream, Mike and I went to passed, I began to fear that something discern. Jesse’s grave on his birthday. As we was wrong, and I was close to despair. Jesse told Claire that this dome-covered stood beside the grave, still covered with I had expected to hear from Jesse very place was where he had lived. As he a mound of dirt, I was aware of the soon because, like me, he had the showed her around, he told her that connection between graves and sweat dream gift that runs in our family. he’d been troubled while living there, lodges. I read aloud a Nez Perce poem Every family member I’d been close to and he shared a few details known only about the sweat lodge that I’d found had come to me at least once in a to me. Jesse said these things were in when praying about Claire’s dream. In dream after they died—although some- the past, that he’d been healed. the poem (below), confession is part of times not for years. And Jesse and the healing experience. The italicized Outside, as Jesse and Claire stood talk- I had talked about communicating words are spoken by Old Man, the ing beside a split rail fence, I rode up through dreams after one of us Sweat Lodge. on an Appaloosa — a Nez Perce horse. “crossed over” (as he called it). Claire didn’t know then that horses The dream I’d been waiting for arrived have special meaning for me or that Old Man the Sweat Lodge by email one Sunday evening. A wom- Jesse had once named a horse I’d seen This small lodge is now an from Meeting who I didn’t know in a vision. The womb of our mother, Earth. well at the time had written about a This blackness in which we sit, dream she was feeling led to tell me. The ignorance of our impure minds. Claire’s dream was a dart to the heart These burning stones are of comfort, hope, and joy—strong heal- The coming of new life." ing medicine. As I read the dream, I keep his words near my heart. I knew instantly that it was Jesse. Confessing, I recall my evil deeds. I cried for joy and was euphoric for For each sin, I sprinkle water on fire hot stones. days. People at Meeting and work The hissed steam is sign that remarked on the change in me. The place from which Earth's seeds grow Is still alive. The full dream with commentary would He sweats. take too many words, so highlights fol- I sweat. low, with quotes around Claire’s words. As I prayed and journaled about I remember, Old Man heals the sick, The dream had a “Native American Claire’s dream, I saw a connection Brings good fortune to one deserving. motif,” though Claire knew nothing between the leather dome that covered Sacred steam rises; then of my ancestry or background. the area where Jesse had lived and I feel my pores give out their dross A house and the surrounding area were rawhide domes that cover sweat lodges. After I chant prayers to the Great Spirit, covered by a dome of buff-colored leath- And I came to see Jesse’s confession to Through this door dawns wisdom. er, like the surface of a drum. As Claire as part of a healing process, Claire looked at the dome, an opening sometimes uncomfortable, that the Cleansed, I dive into icy waters appeared and Jesse came through. dream had likened to a sweat lodge Pure, I wash away all of yesterday. Before the opening closed behind him, experience. "My son, walk in this new life. Claire saw the sky beyond —“bluish- It is given to you. The euphoria from Claire’s dream black with billions of bright stars, like Think right, feel right. lasted only a few weeks, and the grief salt on a dark blue plate.” Be happy." returned, but the healing medicine © 2017 Minding the Light Page 2 Oct. 2016—Jan. 2017 CHAP 27: HOW HAS THE LIGHT BEEN REVEALED THROUGH HOPE LOST, HOPE FOUND OR HOPE SUSTAINED? This Too Will (Siskiyou) Pass I tried every possible solution. Queries for Chapter 28 By the time we reached the Siskiyou I turned the steering wheel one way, Our next Query: When have you Pass, the sky was dark.

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