Volume LAXVINI • No. ∞ October 17, 1996 Freed The Student Newspaper of Clark University Council takes on racial problems New committee formed

BY PAFOROOQ NAJIBUMAR Scarlet Staff mocracy as a system is always built on a foundation of central- In a response to recent student ized control. Minorities must concerns, Student Council initi- come to that authority to appeal ated steps they hope will help for their interests. We are enthu- solve some of the racial problems siastic about providing a tradi- on campus. As prior issues of the tional environment for members Scarlet reported, a Black Student of the former BSU to operate.” Union dance ended in violence Both he and Vice President Tom and gunplay on the night of Sep- Roy hoped that the committee tember 25th. Both the adminis- would let the former BSU mem- tration and Student Council, as bers “get their stuff done.” well as the BSU, responded by This decision is very popular organizing several discussions among the new Council repre- focused around campus aggres- sentatives and nearly passed by sion and ethnicity. acclamation. Abou Fall was the During last Sunday’s meeting, only member who voted against Maywood Hall Representative the motion, arguing that “this is Rob Leeman made a motion to insane. You are all insane.” He establish the African Peoples’ left the meeting shortly after. Chris Condon relaxes after a stressful Student Council meeting in which Subcommittee “for all African- Qurom was lost, and Council will many major decisions were made, all of which will be voted down at next type people.” This committee is vote on the measure after vaca- week’s meeting. “Whitebread” Condon is enjoying extremely high popular- designed to replace the BSU, tion. ity ratings, and analysts suggest only a major PR blunder, such as mishan- which Council feels had too The BSU was unavailble for dling the BSU, could sink his 90% approval rating. much power. comment, as we were too scared President Condon stated “De- to contact them.

IDRISI celebrates 25th year with reception

BY BJORN MYCKET- ogy and Geographic Analysis, A highlight of the speech oc- John Balcunas, HVAC Techni- ing orchestration precipitously DUKTIG THE KNULLARE and the Geography Department. curred when Eastman proudly cian for Physical Plant. Tom and with amicability,” said Chris Scarlet Staff Since its inception in 1971 and presented his Resident Alien Wall, Project Manager of Physi- Moos, Director of Bon Appetit. subsequent public opening in card, which much of the audi- cal Plant, arrived fashionably late The evening concluded with a A reception honoring the 25th 1981, it has received praise and ence found to be a very humor- with Provost Roger Kasperson. demonstration of some of the anniversary of the IDRISI project numerous grants from benefac- ous gesture. The catering was arranged by technological innovations asso- was held last Saturday. Many of tors around the world. Among the attendees were Jack Bon Appetit, which was found ciated with the IDRISI project Clark’s faculty and staff attended The current director of the Foley, Executive Assistant to the by many to be better than they that have been produced over the the event, held at Dana Com- IDRISI project, Ron Eastman, President and Physics professor had expected. Most of the food years. mons. held a speech later in the evening. Chuck Agosta. Also present in a was devoured: only some elder- “Woah, that’s cool,” com- The quarter-century-old IDRISI He emphasized his gratitude to ravishing backless dress was berry muffins remained uneaten. mented Hogarth Hansen, a project, located at 921 Main the Clark community and admin- Annie Sullivan, Resource Coor- “I’m glad Bon Appetit was graduate student involved in the Street, is affiliated with the Clark istration for its support over the dinator for the Sackler Science given this chance to prove itself, Labs for Cartographic Technol- one score and five years. Center. First to cut the cake was and I feel we coordinated the din- “RECEPTION,” PAGE 8 President comments on his continued health and new work-out plan

BY MORTIMER VESTIBULE Traina is now back to his regu- While all this exercise is doing noted that he would never think union. “I had them completely Scarlet Staff lar exercise schedule which con- the President good, he admits that of running onto a soccer field to ’whipped…” said Traina. sists of 36 holes of golf, three there have been a few problems. ask a student a question concern- President Traina said that there Long after multiple bypass sur- sets of tennis, two full hours of Recently, he has been accosted ing organic chemistry, much less were many reasons for his new gery that left Clark University badminton with Jack Foley, and by a number of Clark students ever directly speak to a student exercise schedule, but the main President Richard Traina bed rid- an hour in the new fitness center with questions during his hour unless there were at least four one was that he could mooch as den for several weeks last Spring, in the Kneller. While this regi- in the fitness center. Traina was perspectives watching. much as possible from the uni- the President has instituted a new ment does not leave much time a bit surprised by their casual at- Furthermore, when he worked versity in new and inventive exercise regiment. Train returned for work, Traina is not concerned, titudes and expectation that he on other college campuses dur- ways. He also mentioned that if to the driving range last June, was “Now that I have my house and acknowledge their presence. ing the height of student confu- students were ever looking for walking 18 holes by July, and a fitness center, what else do I Traina said that if all Clark stu- sion, students would not have him, he can be found at home was getting thrown into fits of have to raise money for? I’ll have dents brought questions to him approached him even if he had during his office hours every day. rage by insolent students ringing clear slate until Polly wants a new while he was exercising, “Life been doing jumping jacks naked his doorbell by late August. bedroom set.” would be madness.” Traina also in the middle of the student NOT CONTINUED 2 • October 17, 1996 • The Scarlet

CORRECTIONS: October 11- October 17 10/12 10:31am Runs meeting about Dana Commons. Decides In the 10/10/96 issue of the Scar- THE let, Vice-President in Charge of Ad- JOHN BALCUNAS LOG to start school for his kids on second floor. ministration and Finance Jim 2:48pm After meeting to reprimand Dean of Students, Collins should not have been quoted 10/11 stops by Residential Life and Housing to make as saying, “When are you people sure Milstone’s residential gestapo doesn’t in- going to wake up and realize that this country cannot survive on 5:53am Seen emerging from previously-unknown door terfere with Spinoza’s reconnaissance duties in chicken and potato chips!” That in library, with debriefing papers in hand. Sanford. statement was actually made by 11:21am Responds to emergency call at 130 Woodland. 3:41pm Oversees recharging of alien fuel batteries. Ross Perot. Calms agitated university president who believes 5:00pm Education Department requests help with orga- Robert Ross’ article should not have a student had come near his house again. All nizing final stages of ITT project. Recommends said, “we consumers do not neces- set. implementation of multidimensional learning sarily need clothes.” It should have 12:02pm Repairs radiator in University Center. acquisition database for K-12 program. read, “don’t necessarily get lower 4:37pm Responds to call from new Business Manager’s prices, but retailers get higher mark- 10/13 ups.” office. Apparently some trouble with anticipated budgetary overhead. Recommends bouncing 8:15am Begins annual report to US government. Justi- Furthermore, all the information on 4.3% workman’s comp tax to student org’s. All fication of presence in Worcester gets harder ev- pages 1,2, 5-7, 9, 11-14, and 16 set. ery year. Decides to say Jefferson Hovercraft were wrong. 7:21pm Changes dead lightbulbs in secret labs under was delayed due to titanium miners’ strike in We regret any inconvenience this Sackler; gets briefed on research progress. Uganda. may have caused. 9:30pm Calls Gary Kasperov in Geneva and moves Kp3- Qb4 for checkmate. 12:50pm Takes IDRISI Project out for spin on Lake Coes. The Student Council Observer Still having trouble with aft retrothrusters dur- October 17, 1996 ing descent from supersonic mode. Leaves omi- nous note to IDRISI engineers. Condon Issues Stern Rachel Peniche (E, Heritage Vil- Council to impeach him. Mr. 2:04pm Denies Mike Dennis use of the IDRISI Project lage USA). What affect will this for third time this week. Heard to mutter, “Never Reprimand to I&E Ordynans, who has been seen have on Peniche’s long-time af- about the dining hall with vel- should’ve hired that guy…” fair (read: sexual services) with President Chris Condon, a vet-voiced Randi Beckman, has 10/14 svelte 5’8”, is rumored to have the Senior Administration? Only let his reputation as a ladies’ man been seen about town with sexy time will tell. proceed him, and his presence on 11:32am Decides to send kids to Exeter, so scraps Dana Judiciary Chair Prerna Banati Council should provide much Commons project. (D, Minnesota). President Peniche Appointed to material for The StudCo Ob- 1:13pm Laughs about Worcester’s concept of a “Col- Condon has been the talk of the Communications server. lege Town.” 3rd Floor of the UC, now that 3:24pm After hearing financial report from Andrea Speaking of Miss Peniche, this his availability has been con- Budget Update Michaels and Jim Collins, issues hiring freeze firmed; our spies indicate ea- robust young lass has gotten ev- on all university employees. ger young women have been lin- eryone whispering about her al- Well-known playboy Abou Fall 7:51pm Physics grad student Marcus Bennett found to ing up to be appointed Chair of leged weekend of sin with none (I, Woodland Street), whose fa- have previous history with IDRISI employee the Subcommittee to Improve other than Daka Jake Lippman, mous philandering has broken Spinoza. Violently questions him in secret level the President’s Social Life. Who the Bad Boy of Bon Appetit. Are many a heart on Council (need of Sackler. Satisfied when subject reduced to are the major prospects? those marriage bells in the fu- we remind you, faithful reader, tears. All set. ture for our young couple, or are of Lorraine Garcia?), has an- Condon’s lips are sealed. 10/15 the waffles ready? Stay tuned… nounced mandatory “Financial Budget Chair Votes for Matters” meetings for all student 6:15am Discusses with Jack Foley the logistics of pur- groups. The word on the street chasing Downing Street, Main South, and most LASO Allocation New Member of Judi- ciary Elected is that Mr. Fall, the heartbreaker, of southern Worcester. Foley speculates about Rob Leeman (R, Okeefeno- has arranged these meetings for how students found about the White Belt Project. kee), the dashing young soldier Our spies in Council report the the sole purpose of scoping out 9:48am Responds to distress call from President’s of- in the stylish sweaters, sent ‘freshmen’ representatives are the available lady accountants of fice. Finds Traina distraught over $2 million defi- waves up and down the Aisles already putting on their 15 Clark. Which innocent lass will cit— may have to leverage corporate jet. Solves of StudCo when he announced pounds of disgust. Zack fall prey to Mr. Fall’s consider- crisis by cutting health services, V&PA, and other his whirlwind romance with Or- Ordynans (Junior Class rep) has able charms? Read here next useless student services, and raising all second- ganizational Committee Chair revealed, after a few Tom Collins week! ary fees. Amanda Mitchell (D, Afghani- at last week’s Holy Cross mixer, 9:52am Fixes vent in hallway. stan) at ex-Treasurer Jason his intentions of doing a Sam- Organizational Com- 12:31pm Gives Chris Moos recipe for Chicken Dijon Begner-Style retreat from pub- Berry’s Coming Out Party this mittee Convenes Florentine in exchange for information on Chris weekend. Cigar-smoking politi- lic life. Begner, the saucy-yet- Condon. crat Josh Schiffer was report- sensitive ladies’ man who is now Neean Uton, we are pleased to 10/16 edly “pissed;” rumors have poor the Managing Editor of the sin- report, is still not gettin’ any. The Miss Mitchell bumped from the ful-yet-seductive Scarlet, refused gene pool is, for now, safe. 4:21am Goddard “memorial” suddenly ceases transmit- Hookers and Beer ticket in fa- to resign from Council, forcing ting homing signal to mothership. Takes some the exasperated members of vor of conservative pundit COMPILED BY MIKE FOURCHER AND YAZAD DALAL readings and radios Central Plant for assistance. 11:41am Busts crack dealing crime lord with WPD. 3:04pm Delivers construction estimates to students work- ing on Multimedia Center. A few of those kids The Scarlet looked like troublemakers, makes mental note The Studly Newspaper of Clark University to keep an eye on them. 4:43pm Recharges tool belt at Central Plant. 10/17 Paforooq Najibumar, Bjorn Mycket-Duktig the Knullare, Mortimer Vestibule, 12:l3pm Assuages angry Trustees re: the market value Mike Fourcher, Yazad Dalal, Per-Hakan Javla, Knut Bilfarare, Falov of their shares in Clark University. Promises deBarstule, Kenmore Jamboori, Mikail Schmeaff, Basil E. Needywanker, shares would split by end of quarter. William W. Williams, Ghyrnoth the Dragon Slayer, Jackie O’Reilley, Jinm 1:32pm Fires entire staff of the Clark Fund and moves operation to Mexico to avoid pesky unions. Skittish, Sven Reinnendorf, Laurie Lodewyck, Hildemar Snallafitta, Sven- 4:40pm Decides to form a committee to answer the ques- Olaf Palme the Berserker, George, F. Edward Winnipeg, Mikey. tion, “Is it good for a school when the adminis- tration only considers student life important when there’s a money shortage?”

WB#7 ©1996 Spinoza Publications. WheatBread is no longer published during the academic year, or at any other time, but is financed by the Student Activities Fee and from fictitious advertising revenue. Offices are located in the basement of Sanford Hall, behind a false wall in the west wing. First class postage paid at Worcester, MA for no reason. Subscriptions CREATIVE WRITER WANTED! $__.__ per semester, $0 per year. Make checks payable to Spinoza Publications. Printed by MassWeb, Auburn, MA, but this time at Saltus Press, Worcester. First copy free, additional copies $11.67 each. Spinoza Publications adheres to the editorial policies as outlined in Immanuel Kant’s Prolegemmmon to Any Future Meta- Write for the Police Logs. It physics. Spinoza Publications is an undercover, covert operations-style, indie-minded, freeform band of guerilla satirists. All submissions become the property of WheatBread. Send original artwork, photos, and/or articles (typed on a walrus) to Box B-22, Clark University, Worcester, MA 01610-1477. Email [email protected]. All material in this satire is helps keep the Scarlet Filled! copyright Spinoza Publications unless otherwise noted. Visit us online at http://www.clarku.edu/~wheatbre and find out why the Web still sucks. Contact Campus Police The Scarlet • October 17, 1996 • 3 Professor’s work nominated for Emmy Administrator’s BY JAI ALAI mustache goes News Editor berserk In a recent announcement, pretty-part-time/mostly-adjunct BY FALOV DEBARSTULE During the segue out of “Stayin’ professor of English Louis Scarlet Staff Alive,” he somehow managed to Bastien was nominated for an balance himself on the big hand Academy Award for his work in Jack Foley’s mustache went of the Clock Tower, and was ap- the short, “Belgium Waffles: berserk today, launching a pub- parently urinating. Why Germans Got Such a Kick lic outburst that left nineteen to- After that, things began to de- Out of Invading Belgium Every tally confused, twelve disgusted, teriorate. 45 Minutes.” and at least six emotionally trau- None of the eyewitnesses could Bastien was nominated in the matized. place the exact moment, but most highly-competitive category of The outburst began when a stu- present generally agreed that “Best New CountryWestern dent, vaguely resembling Bill during this time, the mustache, Act,” and was clearly pleased Evans (‘98), and produced a ra- henceforth known as “The Per- with the recognition. “I haven’t zor, upon which time Mr. Foley petrator,” detached itself from been up for a Grammy in quite began jumping up and down and Jack’s face, leaving him motion- some time. I hope I can make making strange “whooping” less (but still productive) and the ceremony in Palm Springs noises. The unnamed student jumped over to the flagpole, slid- this Spring.” appeared shocked and oddly be- ing down and leaving twisted, Chair of the English Depart- mused, and ran and hid behind comblike tracks in the gleaming ment Serena Hilsinger shared his Jim Collins. Mr. Foley then be- steel and echoes of a horrendous excitement. “Clearly this shows gan gesticulating wildly and tear- screech. It then jumped onto the Clark’s dedication to collecting ing at his face, screaming “these back of an unsuspecting dog, large quantities of meaningless follicles were made for oscula- which took off like a rocket, first awards. Nobody can question tion, you nasty little man.” smashing into the flag pole, then our commitment now. Being He then produced a variety of flying off in the direction of nominated for a Tony shows be- Lou Bastien, potentially a professor of English, is a recipient high-fibre vegetables and started Monihan’s Medical Supplies. yond a shadow of a doubt that of this year’s Alice B. Toklas award for best freeform sonnet verbalizing their caloric intake to By the time everyone regained Clark is on the same intellectual by a Native American woman. He also has received the anyone who couldn’t flee the their sanity, the front gates lay level as Cats.” Faculty Senate’s coveted “Dapper Jack Derr” award. scene quickly enough. The re- dangling, the flag was burning, When asked about his chances ports vary, but he apparently 23 people lay gasping, the Per- of winning, Bastien expressed available supply of meaningless nomination for my third Peabody started screaming UPNRP pro- petrator had fled, and Jack guarded optimism. “Well, just academic awards. We feel the Award is nothing.” motional material to a convoluted Foley’s pants were flying from a being nominated is the real Stanley Cup, if Bastien wins it, Bastien sees this nomination as medley of BeeGees tunes and second-story air-conditioner. The award— No, that’s bullshit. I will compliment our collection an opportunity. “I really hope disappeared into Jonas Clark. whole scene stank of a setup. want to win, motherfucker! nicely.” that I can pick up some babes at Imagine how cool it will look on Bastien had his own feelings on the awards ceremony. I’d say that my resume to say ‘Winner, Nobel Clark’s agenda. “Sure, Clark that’s my number one priority. Peace Prize.’” Other nominees knows where the cash is. If you Even if I don’t win the Moon include Mother Teresa, Mahatma can fill your brochures and cata- Man, I still have all those Mtv Tell Heather Gandhi, Charles de Gaulle, and logues with lists of awards, then women around me. Frankly, that Dwight Schultz. you bring in the buckolas. Even Moon Man statuette is pretty stu- “We really stand by Bastien’s better is when you can take ad- pid-looking anyway.” you like the work,” said Hilsinger,” and we’re vantage of collective guilt. The The winner of the Edgar Allen confident that he can bring home Holocaust Studies Program is Poe Award will receive his the bacon.” She paused thought- expected to bring in at least one weight in broken hairdryers and fully. “Clark is committed to major award every three weeks case of diseased rats. Bastien Layout! capitalizing on the cheap and until 2007. By comparison, this describes himself as “hopeful.” — The Usual Gang of Assholes

CLARK NEWS BRIEFS

Cultural person be held in Tilton Hall; with sweatshop President’s House tained a form asking for nomi- doesn’t come to speeches from congressional can- dedicated this past nees for “The Bond Women of didate, Jim McGovern. The sec- Maria X spoke last Thursday Clark,” women who could be in interpret Clark retary was to speak of her inte- on the hardships endured by the weekend one of the classic James Bond students rior regarding her acting job with people in her country. Like a 130 Woodland was dedicated films. The Women’s Center im- heroine in a comic book, she Arrested serial killer Richard Bobbit. Saturday, October 12 in honor of mediately issued a stern repri- came to tell her an almost unbe- Ramirez came Friday, October 11 eight different benefactors. The mand, citing objectification, sex- lievable story and then disap- at noon to Atwood Hall. Ramirez, Harrington House now contains ism, bad taste, and maleness. Choices announces peared. Equally as unbelievable a Pulitzer Putz finalist, isn’t the the Peters Lavatory, Mr. And Bilaga immediately issued an- opening for 1996- was CCN’s offer to create a sci- author of “Hunger of Memory,” Mrs. J. Henkels Washroom, and other reprimand, claiming het- 97 school year fi show with the same name. actually, he claims he’s obligated the Rockefeller Dumbwaiter, erosexism, and, furthermore, to go on a murdering Spree Day Clark’s birth control informa- among others. they are much more oppressed. after an argument with his Mexi- tion center, Choices, opened its ROCU takes the Spinoza Publications has report- can father. Audience members doors Sunday. Choices was airwaves Spinoza edly received “a quantity” of founded in 1969, and boy, was nominations. Bond women are, were expecting to see Richard …And the FCC wants them Publications in Hot everyone happy that they didn’t in no particular order, Alexis Rodriguez, acclaimed write and back Water with ‘Bond Pulitzer Prize finalist who was have to walk to Monihan’s any- Carreiro, Angela Young, Obi supposed to speak on “Brown in more. “It’s more convenient hav- Women’ Savage, Amanda Mitchell, a Black and White America.” ing something like that located Parent’s Weekend a Spinoza Publications, the pub- Miryam Vesset, Molly Pettiford, in a dorm,” said one student at success lishers of WheatBread magazine, Liberty Jones, and Jessica US Secretary talks the Grand Opening. “Now, I can Over 250 pairs of parents were have been forced to go on the Prokup; runners-up were Karren just pull up my pants and walk Young, Keri LaRoque, Tricia of Interior on campus this weekend, say the defensive recently, after sponsor- right down the stairs.” Choices ing a ‘contest’ of objectionable Nugent, Elise Margolis, and Tami Environments people from Admissions. They is an impartial agency that takes also said that it was the last time taste. “We don’t think we crossed Lee; a special write-in John Wayne Bobbit and a sec- no position on controversial is- they throw a 30+ party at 66. any line,” publisher Randy Mack “Moneypenny” vote was re- retary who works for the Inte- sues related to sexuality, repro- Eight people were arrested, all said in a prepared statement last ceived for Bethan Steward. rior decided not to come to Clark duction and Bob Dole. of whom donated money to the Wednesday, “We don’t under- Nominees are believed to be to commemorate the 20th anni- University to keep their names stand the controversy.” The ‘fi- “pissed.” Compiled by Per-Hakan Javla versary of the release of Deep “Maria X” escapes out of the papers. nal’ issue of WheatBread con- Throat. The celebrations were to from Nicaraguan and Knut Bilfarare Editorial Opinion &Page 4 October 17, 1996

Randy Mack Asshole-in-Chief Aidan Reynolds Production Prick Bill Evans IDRISI Fucker W. Rob Mohns UPNRP Sodomizer the Scarlet The Student Cageliner of Clark University, Brought to you by The Usual Gang of Assholesª Jai Alai News Editor Gregory L. Ramen Opinions Editor Gamey Bombabastic Living Arts Editor Moroon Humble Assistant Living Arts Editor Laslow Reddenbacher Assistant Layout Editor Chop Tsui Photo Editor Hairjet Palmal Sports Editor LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Ty Po Copy Editor G.E. Smith SNL Band Leader Frujen Glacia Adviser Blame and responsibility lie with SPOC To the Editor: piece together what happened. allow Lizard People into their First of all, SPOC was sharing a group. Well, I say SPOC is truly The Scarlet Letters I am saddened and angered as table with WheatBread a publi- a bunch of lame-ass geeks. I write this letter. It is unfortu- cation that has long neglected the But I cannot and will not be- Don’t Know How to Party nate that in this day and age, plight of the Lizard People, even lieve it is because of their past. (Fight for Your Right) speciesicm can still be such a when it was The Progressive . We have all fought too long and prevailing sentiment on a liberal It is a University policy that, too hard for it to be about who There has recently been some talk among the student body about campus such as Clark University. while the Lizard People are held could win in a fight, and it will the increased frequency of parties being broken up by both campus police and the WPD. Because this is an issue of dire consequences As everyone knows, SPOC had in bondage at this University, not be. It cannot be, for when to all of us, we at the Scarlet feel that we should address this issue its first spurt of activity in years they are free to take part in any we let SPOC start telling us it is before we are once again accused of being hacky-kicking, pot- smok- at the Clark Activities Fair. Sev- student activity they see fit. about that fight is when the treaty ing, frat-boy, journalistically-irresponsible slackers who blame all eral members of SPOC not only When a Lizard Person attempted between the Federation and the of our problems on the fact that we don’t have enough staff and not had a table at the fair, but they to sign up to take part in SPOC Klingon Empire falls apart. that our editorial idiocy scares off anyone who might have any tal- also staged mock sword battles (after all, a greater part of their No, SPOC, you cannot tell me ent or hope of dragging us out of our eternal pit (and no, that’s not a in the background, and allowed history in the U.S. has been in you are not to blame because the reference to Dana Commons)… I’m sorry, where was I? almost any member of the Clark taking part in low-budget science Lizard People have been op- Right. Parties. Parties are cool, who wants to argue with that? community to sign up. fiction movies, most notably, In- pressed for too long. You can- How am I supposed to write an editorial about partying? Dude, Apparently these members of vasion Earth: The Aliens Are not tell me I’m a jock, because I partying… it’s just partying. Campus Police should get over it al- SPOC were so eager for new Here), he was accused of being do not blame where you have ready. With all of the problems in the world, all of tension in the Middle East, all of these terrorists all over the place, don’t the cops members that they gained the too green, and having a tail that been, I blame where you plan to have anything better to do then harass a bunch of Clark students? names and box numbers of more was disruptive to proper gaming go, all too boldly. What’s up with that! people than even ROC-U. How- activities. When they finally let You reveal those plans in your Like last Monday, my roommates and I invited a couple of friends ever, it is sad to note that they the poor guy sign up, they refused lack of participation in student over to watch Conan O’Brien’s show, celebrate my girlfriend’s four- neglected an important part of the to let him hit Jeff “ Captain events. You reveal that charac- teenth birthday, drink a couple of beers, and basically have a good community in their acceptance Thirsty” Carter with the foam ter in your attacks on the Lizard time. By no means was it a party; in fact it was more like a small of new members. That part is sword. People. You reveal those plans friendly get-together. A few friends, not my friends, but a few friends. the still-oppressed Lizard People. My main point in outlining the in your pick of Babylon 5 over In my apartment, with my beer. We weren’t very loud or anything. SPOC has been responsible for events above is that SPOC, an Deep Space Nine. You reveal And that’s what it was, but Campus Police just couldn’t deal with no events in the past three years. organization allegedly dedicated yourselves to be no different from the fact that we were enjoying ourselves. Fucking Campus Police; With one exception, a dance oc- to promoting peace and harmony the stupid frats that were so popu- they have to show up at 3:15 am, take all seven of our kegs, send the band, the strippers, the farm animals and a hundred twenty or so of curring next week, SPOC has among all species in the galaxy, lar in the 1980’s. my closest friends home. The person who bought the alcohol was taken no part in the active stu- is itself a species-ist organization. Congratulations, SPOC, great twenty one, and so were at least three of the other guests. There dent life of the greater part of the It is self-segregating based on fucking job. Take your species- were no drunken fights or broken windows or anything. student body. If one looks at what species, and apparently feels the ism somewhere else. It is not Why couldn’t they just leave us alone? Is there something I’m happened at the Activities Fair, need to lash out at others when needed here. missing here? Are we expected to party, or dare I say it, have fun?! it is unsurprising why. it feels threatened, similar to Live long and prosper, This fascism must be stopped! This school costs me a bunch of After speaking with many of the when the Klingon Empire at- bucks, more bucks this year then last year, and now that I am finally people involved, I think I can tacked SPOC for choosing to not J.T.K. free of those damn RA’s, (I live off campus. Nice!) I am still not free to party. Dude, that sucks. Guns have an important role in university life To the Editor: Had students been allowed to defend ourselves, the student carry firearms, they would have government would run rough- I must wholeheartedly disagree been able to defend themselves. shod over the common student. Quot e of t he Week with the recent Scarlet letter en- As it was, they were helpless This is not the America that our titled, “UC Should Be Gun Free.” sheep in the hands of a crazed forefathers built and fought many The University Center is a place Deep Space 9 fanatic. times to defend. In fact, it is our for students to meet, hang out, The Scarlet asks, “Is the safety Constitutional right to carry a “As your attorney, I eat and study and must be a safe of Clark students in jeopardy?” weapon if we so choose— our environment. The only way that And I answer a resounding yes. Constitutional right to defend advise you to order can happen is if every God-fear- Without the means to defend ourselves against Big-Brother- ing student exercises his or her ourselves, we will be forced to type governments like Student the chili dog.” right to carry a licensed assault run and hide from any and every Council and NAFTA. The anti- rifle. threat. Without the means to American attitude of the Univer- —Laslow, Hunter S. The recent SPOC incident is a defend ourselves, we will be sub- sity Center policy-makers and prime example, the culmination ject to tyranny of the strong. staff of the Scarlet is appalling Thompson’s 240-lb of which was a man brandishing Without the means to defend and should not be allowed in a handgun that looked like a ourselves, we would become these United States. To them I Samoan attorney phaser in the center of the Uni- easy prey like the Lizard people. say, if you don’t like it, go home versity Center and, according to Without the means to defend to Pinko-ville, ya commie scum. the Scarlet, “putting the lives of ourselves, we will be cowed by everyone at the UC in danger.” authority. Without the means to Nathaniel R. Adams (‘98) The Scarlet ¥ October 17, 1996 ¥ 5

by Spinoza D. Cat I Believe... Mac k-Reynold s, Professor of Linguistic s SPOC as an organization You want to know what I believe. I believe in freedom. Let me relate a recent story. I was in Wright hall a few days Much more than a Vulcan ago and I heard a terrible story. Evidently the AC of Wright, Johnson, and Sanford has hatched a plan to rid the area of one of the residents. Evidently, they plan to catch a certain resi- To the Editor: the writer go back and carefully the multi-interested student com- dent wandering the halls at night and call the authorities on read over the policies in the book munity. Recognizing that per- him. Yeah, the Animal Shelter, and they will report him as I was taken aback by the high- “ The Arms and Equipment sonal development includes at- homeless. Now imagine that. ly divisive and sensational attack Handbook” on pages 123, 124, titudes, tastes, skills (from live This individual had never been written up, rarely used mind on SPOC in last week’s Scarlet & 125 to have a better under- role playing to MST3K appreci- altering drugs (and then only when they were free), he is an relating to our role playing ses- standing of: ation), and values that will in- active member of the Clark community who everybody knows, sions. Compounding this was the (a) When a character can use a fluence leadership skills and be- and above all, he’s completely harmless. Well, not completely, seemingly prevailing anger on stiletto to parry havior, they continue to provide he viciously beat a poor drunk Clarkie once when the schmuck not only the organization but on (b) What the bonuses and deg- an assortment of cultural and threatened to take him into a dorm after a long night. a group who has loquaciously radations are of taking that ac- educational programs. These Now why, ladies and gentlemen of the community, why would struggled too long and hard to tion. programs are usually illustrated they tear this poor unsuspecting resident away from its home? have this reoccurrence of blatant Back to the point of the focus by traditional programs such as The answer: because he was a cat. Yes, a cat. And that cat ignoranceism, uneducated-nes- of the main idea of the message Twilight Zone marathons, guest was me dammit. What have I ever done to Shelly? sism, and cowardliness. of my letter. What is SPOC? It speakers, workshop presenta- I have a few rights in this world, being a LDC (less devel- With this despotic, demonstra- is an organization no different tions, discussion forums, and oped creature), and one of them is the right to enter dorms at ble and inaccurate assault on the from any other student group Urg-a-Thons. my own risk and fraternize with a bunch of hippies. This is good faith and moral and civic with an open membership to all Last but not least is their in- why I am so hell bent on freedom. I have a right, as do all of responsibility of SPOC, the writ- life forms. Its primary objectives valuable contributions to various you, to take my life and do what I want with it as long as I do er’s insensitivity and uneducat- include: institutionalized departments, not impinge on your sovereignty. edness is heightened with refer- (a) To enhance awareness and namely the office within the of- Anyways, Wright Hall is almost as fun as Bullock was in 94- ences made on gregariously knowledge of the numerous fice of the Deans of Student of- 95. You know the story. You get a hundred and fifty crazed desegregated gaming sessions achievements and fice, the admissionary office and kids, give them freedom, throw in a few RA’s and BANG! You and dice and concludes by insist- accomplishments of Science the alumnuses office. Their com- get a mellow place. But as we all know at Clark, as soon as ing that they “Take your bigotry Fiction connoisseurs in all as- mitment and willingness to edu- someone is having fun, Dean Milstoned’s IRON FIST OF somewhere else. It is not need- pects of the American culture and cate the heathens has been im- INJUSTICE PUTS THE SMACK DOWN ON YOUR ASS and ed here.” This printing by the society. pressive. there is the end of your good times, kiddies. Now what is the Scarlet has inevitably turned fear (b) To challenge the stereotypes So I applaud the dynamic and problem with a good time. Next thing you know, they’ll de- into fervor, ignorance into indig- and biases that inhibit inter-spe- grafted women, men, and Star stroy my favorite parking lot to build something stupid like an nation, and paranoia into propa- cies understanding and cooper- Trek fanatics of SPOC who have Environmental School. ganda. Or possibly vice-versa. ation and working togetherness, demonstrated a kind of passion Sorry about that tangent but there were some things that needed The intention of this letter is especially for those oppressed and dedication to their duties and to be said. There I said them. What to know why, because I educate you about our oppres- individuals educated in the vari- beliefs that has made them role am a cat and I can. That is because I have freedom. Hannah sions, and to address some of the ous incantations of Science Fic- models within, without, and out- Arendt once wrote something about freedom but I forgot what degenerately derogatory remarks tion. side of the Clark community and it was because I was exercising my right to not pay attention in made that may lead to having the (c) Most often as a proactive neighboring planets. I say to class. This is one of many freedoms we all have and need to wrong impression of SPOC as an measure, to the challenge of di- them, shazbot, and continue the pay attention to. organization and a student group. versity, including the excellent workliness. Another example of freedom is the right to take normally However, before educating the Lizard people, and to begin the available food and medicinal products and use them writer, I will not attempt to re- process of educating all segments recreationally. Whip cream, cough medicine, NyQuil, and spond in depth to the slanderous of campus life. Atoz “Bilbo” O’Brien Scotch Guard can all be used recreationally and for instruc- remarks made about SPOC’s as- In addition, SPOC has been at Assistant Dean of tions on how to use them write the Office of Information Sys- sumed failure to follow Dun- the forefront in the promotion of MultiFictional Affairs tems/Information Resource Center, Carlson Hall basement. geons and Dragons policies. institutional changes that are Advisor to S.P.O.C. However, I will recommend that needed in order to better serve “I BELIEVE” the Kate Chesley Manifesto: “A New Brand of Preztels” REVISITED [Editor’s Note: Due to an edi- about the school all day, Clark of Clark’s administration. The that environmental technology is course, I don’t care, but then, you torial error, the “I Believe” from would have to pay someone else Cultural Identity/Global Pro- a big concern here! Some of that knew that. last week was not Kate to lie for them. And where would cesses (CIGP) stream is another money pays my salary. The major purpose of Clark Chesley’s, Director of Com- I be? one, as well as Communication, I believe what’s good for Ad- University is to get you to en- munications, as reported, but was Rather, I believe I have a right Culture, and Society (CCS) and missions is good for all of Clark, roll. Once you’re here, we don’t an excerpt from presidential can- to a job, and Clark, as a capital- this new Charter high school that even if that’s an outrageous, in- care. I am proud to serve my didate Bob Dole’s speech before istic enterprise whose key mis- Clark has decided to start. We supportable, immoral claim. For masters in this agenda. (And let’s the Organization of Gun-Toting sion is to reconcile economic are a university committed to instance, Clark’s constant spew- not forget those kids I know— it Conservative Lunatics. We re- dominance with public relations creating pointless, wasteful, mas- ing of new academic programs shows I’m sincere.) gret any inconvenience this susceptibility, is the perfect semi- turbatory academic programs for is a panicked and idiotic solu- Being spineless and insecure, might have caused. Kate corporate environment for some- the sole purpose of luring stu- tion to an intensely competitive of course, means that I have to Chesley’s real “I Believe” is as one like me who would be eaten dents here on false pretenses, and fight for students. By creating arrive at elaborate justifications follows.] alive in a real job. I’m proud to let the world know 600 ridiculous, hot-button-push- of my position in the “Ministry During my long, uneventful Although I don’t understand about all the affiliated propa- ing programs, students are at- of Disinformation,” as it’s affec- career lying and misleading for how we can have an Environ- ganda. tracted by the quantity of alter- tionately known. The excuse I the higher educational institu- mental School when there’s no Like many, I am mesmerized natives— and, fortunately, they like to use for things such as the tions that have hired me, I have Environmental department, nor by propaganda. That’s why it’s are too stupid to realize that once CHS is that I provide hope for had to promote whatever aca- professors, nor any real classes, so beautiful. For instance, the they choose, they have no alter- the poor, the dirty, the folks who demic initiatives were given to I don’t care. It’s my job not to Environmental School stands in natives anymore. Then they are don’t look like us, and other little me. care whether Clark’s programs opposition to the Undergraduate stuck on a banal, center-less cam- people who need hope in their I suspect I am a professional have any meaning for the stu- College— they have separate en- pus, full of spoiled, disenfran- pitiful, college-education-less chameleon, with the integrity of dents here or not. That’s why rollments— so students can’t chised students, with no social lives. After all, if academians an eel, and a disgraceful back- I’m so good at propaganda, and even take classes in it. Yet they life, no intellectual spirit, no joie and middle managers can’t save ground of trading sexual favors why I believe whatever I’m told will pay $25,000 on the premise de vivre or personality. Of the world, who can? for career advancement— con- to. dominiums in Bermuda today, a None the less, I would like to new brand of pretzels tomorrow. talk about some of my favorite I’d like to tell you why. superficial, wasteful, and dishon- B e Our Guessed. First, I know a bunch of young est programs, such as the previ- kids, whom I will refer to ran- ously-mentioned Environmental domly throughout so that you School and the Center for Holo- Try to figure out what we’re saying. don’t question my sincerity. Sec- caust Study (CHS). ond, Clark pays me a lot of Similarly, the CHS provides a Send all letters to Box B-22 or money, as well they should, for facile way for taking advantage without people like me, willing of massive collective guilt in or- to distribute and create bullshit der to put money in the pockets email SPINOZA by Monday 6 • October 17, 1996 • The Scarlet EMT released for WheatBread hypochondria, rumoredto lawsuit filed shutdown BY KENMORE JAMBOORI By yourselves a stethoscope or a case. Clark’s ‘Non-Discrimi- Scarlet Staff something, ya pansies.” natory Policy’ reads ‘whatever Editorannouncesnewgoals The ex-EMT’s suit was filed etc. etc. etc. etc. .’ People forget In a recent press release, Cam- yesterday in Linda Brown the second paragraph, which says CONTINUED FROM PAGE 2 pus Police admitted firing one of Connors office, to everyone’s ‘Clark also supports the Corpo- The nature of the rumors that In a related story, Randy Mack Clark’s six licensed EMT’s for confusion. The suit claims Clark rate Peon Act of 1990, making it have been spreading about surprised many by announcing being an admitted hypochon- University, the Clark Police De- legal to force employees or ap- WheatBread magazine are specu- his plans now that his magazine driac. Recently, an anonymous partment, Nabisco, Inc., HVAC plicants to sign their rights away lated on. The campus publica- is over. At a press conference EMT who was just released filed Manager John Balcunas, and by extorting their status or em- tion, just celebrating its sixth is- attended by media from all over a lawsuit against the school for XRCU–91.5FM as defendants. ployment.” sue, is speculated to have ceased the state, and watched closely by discrimination. “I dunno, I was just throwing Foley went on to giggle. “Be- publishing. Clark’s paparazzi, Mack an- “We don’t deal with that kind names on the page. The lawyers sides, we can take on a suit. What Randy Mack, Editor and nounced his entrance into main- of sick mental shit,” said the refused to tell me what I was do you think we do with the founder of WheatBread, is said stream politics. CPD’s press release, before go- signing,” said the ex-EMT. money that we’re not spending to have gotten “fed up” with a In a startling series of closed- ing on to say, “If the EMT’s are Executive Assistant to the Presi- on infrastructure or student life? slow amount of submissions and door deals in smoke-filled rooms, so damn underfunded, we’ve just dent Jack Foley was unconcerned Dumbass.” declining support. Mack was not Mack has teamed up with cigar- saved them some payroll money. with the suit. “He doesn’t have reached for comment. smoking politicrat Joshua WheatBread was founded last Schiffer, leader of the Hookers January by Mack and members and Beer party, who is just com- of the Progressive. Student ing off a successful sweep of Stu- Council President Chris Condon dent Council. At the press con- expressed confusion when ques- ference, Mack and Schiffer I’ve Found It! tioned about WheatBread. “I testified on behalf of the Clinton/ don’t really know too much about Gore ticket, and endorsed a new it,” said Condon, “What can I tell soft drink they are developing. you? I only read Clark News.” In a private ceremony, Mack The rumors started when pledged allegiance to Schiffer’s WheatBread published “THIS IS party, and later told the press that THE FINAL ISSUE OF Schiffer’s recent indictment WHEATBREAD” in 500 point would in no way compromise his letters on the front page of the anticipated run for a seat on the most recent issue. Faculty Senate.

Somegirlsarejustplainlucky,butsomegirlscanmaketheirownluck... Lifeasacoedcanbehard—grades,drugs,disease,parents.Soitisn’tfairto expectagirltohavetohandleallthoseannoyingbodyquestionsbyherself! Afterall,theboysthatcanhelparethelastboysyouwouldwanttomarry! Letushelp.We’reDr.Spitzenfelder’sG-SpotLocatingService. Inasingleofficevisit,wecanhelpyouendthoseannoyingandunsatisfying dorm-roomencounterswiththe‘right’boys.Nomorefrustratedmornings! Nomorethinkingaboutthosebadboysthatyouknowyoushouldn’tbewith! Allittakesisasinglesessionwithoneofoursensitive‘counselors’! Callusat1-508-WHEATBREADtomaketheappointmentthatwillsecureyour future.Letoneofourhighlyqualifiedmaleundergraduateresearchassis- tantsshowyouthelocationanduseofyourhappy-button.Soonyou’llbe abletoshowthatmarriageablemanhowitshouldbedone! PokingGhost Whydoomyourselftoalifewithoutjoy? DeclaredDeceased Satisfactionguaranteed!SpecialratesforFirstYearStudents.Financing A small group of people whose available. BY MIKAIL SCHMEAFF Scarlet Staff lives were touched by the ghost Andyoucouldbeevenhappier! held a small memorial service outside Wright late Wednesday SendaphotoofyourbestG-Spotguesstotheaddressbelowandyoumaywin In a stunning announcement afternoon, singing the praises of afreeexaminationwithDr.Spitzenfelderhimself! last Tuesday, it was revealed that the infamous “Poking Ghost” of this departed spirit. ThefamousDr.SpitzenfelderisaqualifiedresearcherwithtenureatClark Wright Hall was dead. This may “Of course it’s freaking dead! University.Heisaniceoldermanwithcalmfeaturesandatightbutt.Photos not come as a surprise to some, It’s a goddamned ghost!” said se- willbetakenatallofficevisits,bothforprotectionand‘research’purposes. but for a small group of ardent nior Ruby Begonia, one of sev- Remembertotellyourparentsonlythatyouarepartofanofficially-approved Poking Ghost fans, the news hit eral hecklers at the memorial ser- ClarkUniversityresearchstudy.Wewillbillthemlaterandonlysendthe like a Mack truck full of herring. vice. Junior Arugula Sallad photosifproofofservicesisdemanded. “It’s, like, totally upsetting, furthered Ms. Begonia’s state- ment with the comment, “look Whatareyouwaitingfor?Callnow!We’rewaitingforyou! y’know? Like, the ghost was cool, man,” was the commen- at those dumbass Freshman over Dr.Spitzenfelder’sCenterfortheStudyofAdolescentSatisfaction,950Main tary offered by second floor there. They’re so dumb that they St.,BoxB-22,Worcester,MA01610 Wright resident Joey Lumpfish. CONTINUED OVER THERE --> The Scarlet • October 17, 1996 • 7 StudCofailstofreeLizard Peopledespitestudentprotest Minorityactivistsvowtocontinuestruggleforequalrights

BY BASIL E. NEEDYWANKER year’s freshman may remember ragua, the plumbing repairs in the siac in Abu Dhabi. age to Clark University. It wasn’t scarlet staff a week in early september that subbasement below Goddard When Jonas Clark introduced until the 1950s that the Univer- Condon and Lee spent at a table (where the IDRISI Project is the Lizard People into Worces- sity publicly acknowledged that At last week’s Student Coun- in the UC shouting slogans like, based), and test-piloting the ter in 1878, their fate at the Uni- it did indeed hold Lizard People cil meeting, Bill Evans (‘97) put “Free the Lizard People!” and Jefferson Hovercraft). versity was sealed almost in- captive as bonded workers. forth a motion to release the Liz- circulating a petition. A record- What students of Clark may not stantly. Clark brought them first Over the past few decades, the ard People from their long pe- breaking seven students signed know is that the Lizard People to a now long-closed pub near sight of Lizard People scurrying riod of bondage at this Univer- that petition during the week- have a long and proud heritage were Leitram’s is. The large Irish in and around the Library and sity. This is the first time in seven long drive, putting to shame last dating far before the time they population of the pub, and that Atwood has become common, years that such a motion has ac- year’s petition to install then-se- were introduced into this part of section of the city, was shocked and as Condon lamented, stu- tually made it onto the table at a nior Michael Dennis as Grand the country. Lizard People were and angered at the appearance of dents here have apparently be- Council meeting. In a tense roll Poobah of Food Service at Clark. instrumental in the decisive Lizard People. This began to come so used to the fact of their call vote, the motion was de- As some students know, the battles of the Civil War, such as cause the first true problems that bondage that they are insensitive feated by only one vote; later, proud Lizard People have been the great Battle of Hollywood. they would encounter here in to it. Said Lee, the fact that they setting a new precedent, the mo- suffering in bondage here at the They were also a big part in the Worcester. After several riots that have been so big a part of our tion was voted to be stricken from University for many decades. construction of the Transconti- threatened to destroy the factory/ University’s history is, in itself, the record. Jonas Clark himself is known to nental Railroad, most often as the classroom building now known an argument for their release Over the past three years, an have introduced the first Lizard guy who lit the fuse and then as Jonas Clark Hall, the Lizard from bondage, and it is unfortu- underground student organiza- People into Worcester, and Rob- screamed, “RUN!” when blast- People were relegated to the nate that Council has again de- tion, headed in part by Council ert Goddard may have, at one ing through the Rocky Moun- complex that was being con- cided to put them down. “Just President Chris Condon and Gen- time, had Lizard People children tains. During the Boxer Rebel- structed in the crater over which because they are Lizard People eral Manager of Grind Central as test subjects in his rocketry lion in China several centuries the Goddard Library now stands, doesn’t mean they’re not Forest Lee, has embarked on experiments. Even today, Physi- ago, Lizard People tails were and were hidden away for de- people.” many efforts to educate the Clark cal Plant uses Lizard People in used as spears, and it is a little cades. Amnesty International issued a student body on the Lizard its more dangerous jobs (for in- known fact that Lizard People Thus began the long and statement of general approval. People and their heritage. This stance, their operations in Nica- incisors are a popular aphrodi- shameful history of their bond- Authorities baffled over weekend occurance ABOU

BY DICK GENTLY “Ummm, I dunno, no one seems Witha Staff to be buying any of our special Students and local area resi- Halloween pastries.” dents were shocked and disturbed President Traina was unavail- this weekend in reaction to an able for comment as the events incident which can only be ad- of the weekend prompted him to equately described as an act of a soul purging visit to Spooky God, or possibly the Internal World. Revenue Service. A steady But in the end, it is the chil- stream of emergency medical dren who will be most affected technicians, law enforcement by that dark, dark Saturday officers, and sales representatives brunch. It is they who will suf- flooded the area, while onlook- fer the nightmares. They who FALL ers could only look on in stunned will cower in their beds before silence and, as the hours passed, running to mommy screaming mild boredom. and frantically attempting to es- This reporter managed to get cape the scarred visions of a tor- FESTFESTFEST close enough to the scene to tured psyche. sneak in a few words with Clark Jumping up and down in ter- EMT Jan Zukowski, who wishes ror, running from shadows, cry- to remain anonymous. “I’ve ing, “Dear God, why can’t I have never seen anything like this be- a new Barbie? I’ve been such a fore,” he told me, “Clark EMS good little girl and all I want is a just isn’t trained for anything this doll and some trail mix. Why Bands Fun bizarre. We could do little be- does Grandpa have a minivan?! sides watch the chaos unfold. The NO BREAKFAST AFTER Babes Food whole situation boggles the mind. 10:30? FUCK YOU! FUCK I still don’t understand how they YOU AND YOUR WHOLE BonAppetit Phlegm managed to get their legs up like CRAZY FLOCK OF NAR- that.” ROW-MINDED LACKEYS!!!” Dilemmas notwithstanding, the Yes, the children will be most Don’t forget the mandatory Visit the Politicon incident has had a profound im- affected and let us remember Money Matters meetings! pact on the community. Local them in our prayers. Petting Zoo! business in particular has taken [Please note that, at press time, the brunt of the tragedy. As one neither SPOC nor the BSU nor Seminar — Snappy Dressing the Senegalese Way local Dunkin’ Donuts clerk close the Lizard people have been Workshop — Securing Finances with Abou & You to WheatBread sadly noted, blamed for any of this] SPONSORED BY ZOON POLITICON AND THE STUDENT COUNCIL’S AFRICAN PEOPLE’S SUBCOMMITTEE CONTINUED FROM THERE <-- repeatedly throughout campus, taxation of this author’s mind, why can’t you all get along? don’t know that ghosts are sup- with ghost supporters barely vis- and the fact that this was a stu- Now, if you will excuse me, the as the damned thing never ex- posed to be dead!” ible among the sea of confusion. pid idea in the first place. livestock needs to be fed.” isted. Besides, no one ever re- “Besides, they have no person- It is not certain what will be- University President Dick So, it is with a not-so-heavy ally read these articles, anyway. ality, anyway,” she continued, come of the ghost in light of the Traina thought so, too, and told heart that I say good-bye to the I’m a bitter, jaded son of a bitch, “Even the weird little Worcester recent revelations, but it is likely this reporter, “Really, it was a Poking Ghost. Anyone wishing and I hope you all contract a se- kids are cooler than this class!” that it will not be seen again, dumb thing to ever think up. The a private appointment with the rious case of something ridicu- Sallad’s feelings were echoed mostly as a result of the over- people at the Scarlet are so nice, ghost should really think twice, lous. Page 8 • Not The Scarlet • October 17, 1996 o ro! Hethenwhippedout got proof!” “And I’ve heshouted, all true!” interruptedthechaos.“It’s dent, ing insultsat Thackeray. WheatBread anda were standinguptoleave, the headsofants.” ments isassimplepinching contracts andothersuchdocu- others outofthinair. Forging andcreated tence completely, wiped many peopleout ofexis- anyone oranything. They’ve ident’s house. You can’t trust the librarylandingover thepres- remember “I assured Thackeray, ing atClarksincethisfall. Thackeray hasonlybeenwork- as expressed doubtanddisbelief, confirmed thestory. Many youcan hear theircries.” atnight, Sometimes, abuse. “Several escaped. ened byyearsofpsychological apparentlyhard- cold monotone, admittedDavies ina lated byus.” that? All theanimalsweremuti- didyouknow Crystal Park Zoo, experiments. There usedtobea truck-loads ofanimalsforour speak bluntly. “We wentthrough his fearsandemotionsenoughto posed andwas abletosuppress absolutelyhorrible.” was horrible, “it tried toholdbackhertears, saidKennedy asshe trol drug,” was putonsomealienmind-con- speech was LindaKennedy. “I the spokesperson forthegroup. commentedCharles Agosta, ly,” The cover-up began immediate- over thepresident’s [old]house. the Globe includingthe papers, were reportersfrommany local for over two decades.Present ment projectsinvolving aliens working ontop-secretgovern- admitted thatthey hadbeen andKen Basye Thackeray, Justin JohnDavies, Kennedy, Clark University professors. press conferencewas heldbyfive IDRISI implicated inbizarre press conference ÒUniversity Runby AliensÓ Professors Break Silence: with reception IDRISI celebrates 25th year event. I believe this represents to have beenapart ofthis “I’mvery proud said, Science, of MathandComputer Chair Professor LeeRudolph, success ofthedemonstration. expressed mildsurpriseatthe project floatby. the scalemodelsofanIDRISI ashewatched oneof project, continued frompage1 nyAbeh,aPh.D.stu- Andy Albrecht, At thispointmany reporters “I’ve beenheresince1965,” Professor Justin Thackeray John Davies was morecom- Following hiscourageous right “They landedin1969, Linda Charles Agosta, Telegram& Gazette After thedemonstration, Chou Professor Arthur , Worcester Phoenix ale hswe,a Earlier thisweek, SnallaÞtta by Hildemar reporter was shout- . Boston and , too.” ly liked theelderberry muffins, ing ourfellow humans.Ireal- motive ofhelpingandeducat- tution basedonthecommon once againthatweareaninsti- here todayhave proven tome bilities. The peoplegathered excellence andsocialresponsi- furthering ofClark’s academic but alsointhe IDRISI project, a milestoneinnotonlythe engines andtechnology.” mind uspokingaround their but they didn’t their information, “The aliensdidn’t sharemuchof explained Davies. technology,” ernment tolearnfromthealien Agosta. commentedCharles too,” helped, fear. Ofcoursethemoney people. Mostofusjoinedout used mind-controlonvery few calm people.Ithinkthey only almost allthenearbyresidents. various mind-controldrugson knocking atmydoor.” my teabeforesomeonewas Ihadn’t even finished so quick, thecover-up was days. Anyway, bags like thekakthey sellthese backwhenitwas notin Grey, remember itwas Twinings Earl “Ieven explained JohnDavies, remember Iwas drinkingtea,” detailed theirwork forthealiens. ued asthefive professors maybe.” Transferred, washed bynow… orworse. probably alldeadorbrain- them weremyfriends. They’re pristine whiteshirt.“Many of ing down hischeeksonto explained. Tears began stream- he of inquisitive students,” inside. I’ve turnedinhundreds someoneonthe ed astudent, they kept meyoung. They want- on hisbrethren.“That’s why of theadministrationandaliens.” used onlyforthenefarious goals tragic thatallthispower isbeing younameit.It’s AIDS, hemorrhoids, thecold, aging, cancer, incredible drugs. They cancure heexplained that“they have age, When asked abouthisyoung Albrechtlatersaid. bined,” more thanalltheprofessorscom- almost two decadesnow. Iknow ing tolistentheallegations. itive andeveryone seemedwill- very inquis- somewhat skeptical, albeit theatmospherewas, on, quickly lefttheroom.Fromhere who something toJackFoley, Jim Collinswas seenwhispering everyone returnedtotheirseats. and swept throughtheroom, hovercraft. A loudmurmur a photoofwhatappearedtobe “I was recruitedbythegov- thatwas mostlyjustto “Well, Apparently thealiensused thelibrarylanded.I “In 1969, The pressconferencecontin- Albrecht was alsousedtospy “I’ve beenaPh.D.studentfor the room. said beforefiling quicklyfrom ously-pristine pretense. publishers topenetratetheprevi- past andprevailed onpioneering the presspresenttoprobeClark’s nonetheless.” after all.Butitwas troubling hedidn’t die never mind, In fact, too. the child.Hesurvived that, stillwith by acaronmyway out, ly survived that. Then Iwas hit holding achild.Hemiraculous- “I oncetrippeddown somestairs tearswellingupinhiseyes, said, Basye such stupidmistakes,” children diedinstupidmistakes, rendous atrocities.Many ofthe more totell.Somany more hor- soon after. “Thereissomuch demanding moreinformation. were shoutingoutquestions, Others and “fuckingbonkers.” tacos shortofacomboplatter” referred totheprofessorsas“two Some refusedtobelieve itand hours onend.” just pedalasmallgeneratorfor andthey would heads orhands, genetically alteredtohave no to usechildren.Sixtyofthem, in faster-than-light travel. Ihad use conventional energy supplies The aliensexplained Icouldn’t but itworked. was primitive, produce theNavCom MarkI.It the time.In1974Iwas ableto computers usedinthelibraryat researching thenavigational added Ken Basye.“Iwas mind-controltechnology,” aliens’ toimprove the used forresearch, in aquavering voice. Kennedy explained Main South,” daughter ofacouplewholived in but hewas actuallythe existed, ents won’t rememberheever Traina isoneofthem.Hispar- eliteforces.President the aliens’ washed alsoandrecruitedinto The childrenwereusuallybrain- the childwouldn’t bemissed. so child’s friendsandrelatives, They would brain-wash the herhandsshaking. podium, the Linda Kennedy approached leftthe unable tocontinue, apparently the room.Davies, hesaid. A silencefellover dren,” that evening. “They stolechil- most controversial accusation his composurewhenhemadethe the aliensthananyone else.” so alienatedthatwefeltcloserto world. Many ofusbegan tofeel separating usfromtherestof fear… They werevery goodat the themoney, thrilling research, “the agreedBasye, kept quiet,” Earth. which haddiedduringthetripto cal researchonsomealiens formed autopsiesandneurologi- whoper- mented LindaKennedy, com- about theoutsideworld,” twenty-four hoursaday. Iforgot ing thatIimmersedmyselfinit Lo ne IRS, they “Look under ‘IDRISI,” The professorspleadedwith Ken Basyeendedhisspeech The reporterswereshocked. “Some ofthechildrenwere “It’s true. They stolechildren. John Davies triedhardtohold “I thinkthat’s whymostofus “The researchwas sointerest- room. built. The reporteraccused when thelibrary was allegedly in1969, “probably azygote” pointed outthatDennis was ed whenaBostonGlobereporter brief but heatedargument erupt- commented MichaelDennis. A thebuilding ofthelibrary,” ing, andeven photograph- watching, ever happened.Iremember sonosuchoccurrence still here, I’m would’ve run.Obviously, I land inthemiddleofcampus, ing enoughquestions. were asked toleave fornotask- the Ironically, asking toomany questions. thrown outbymeninblackfor afterwhichthey were ference, sent forthefirsthalfofcon- WheatBread and Globe, suchasthe local papers, were representatives from many lence andsocialresponsibility.” tion devoted toacademicexcel- Clark’s reputationasaninstitu- and Ken Basyeof“damaging Justin Thackeray John Davies, Kennedy, Linda Charles Agosta, Heaccused libelous faculty.” ing pressingcharges againstthe announced that“weareconsider- Richard Traina with aliens, Clark University ofcooperating other professorswhoaccused andthe LindaKennedy, Agosta, involvement.” ideas doesnotprove any alien tect influencedbylatesixties was designedbyacreative archi- hog-wash. Simplybecauseit rumors concerningthelibraryare “All the hecommented, came, eras flashed. notanywhere,”asserted Richard Traina ascam- moustache, University. NotinJackFoley’s was well-attended. Vice President. The conference Senior Business andTomDolan, Manager, Michael Dennis, by flanked Richard Traina, The mainspeaker was President presence atClarkUniversity. the recentallegations ofalien Conference Roomconcerning ence was heldintheLurie apressconfer- Earlier thisweek, ÒpissedÓ IDRISI reportedly University deniesall IDRISI Project modelafterbeingsurprisedby reporters Dean oftheGraduate SchoolFred Greenaway attempts tohide “If Ihadseenaspace-ship Present attheconference Unfortunately forCharles When Tom Dolan’s turn “There arenoaliensatClark Worcester Phoenix the Berserker Palme the by Sven-Olof Telegram&Gazette, reporters werepre- Scarlet reporters . Some Boston statement ofgeneral dismay. Students Association issueda TheInternational few aliens.” bly bequiteeagerto“enroll a andwould proba- tural diversity, that Clarkpridesitselfonits cul- fern. model ofahovercraft behind a Greenaway trying to hidea vant photographernoticed anobser- However, offer aliens.” probably Harvard. Clarkhasnothingto everything else, the University of Vermont. For probably and drugexperiments, choose M.I.T. For psychology they’d surely wanted technology, aliens want from Clark?Ifthey other reasons.“Whatwould accusations wereimplausiblefor feltthatthe Graduate School, my wifewould never letme.” with aliens.Even ifIwanted to, did saythat“Iamnotworking but was reluctanttocomment, charge ofUniversity Resources, IDRISI. a numberofyearsbefore invented asupersonichovercraft mayed tolearntheJapanesehad John Auble. Heappeareddis- Assistant totheIDRISIproject saidSeniorResearch U.S.A.?” than-light travel beforethe possibly have invented faster- be hereatClark.How couldthey Clark now.” I think.Hefearsforhissafetyat researching somethinghigh-tech, “In theFar Eastsomewhere, physics studentMarkHokanson, accordingto ashewas, ment, ly twirledhismoustache. commented Foley ashenervous- mutilated cows orsomething?” crop-circles, there beacrater, wouldn’t aliens hadlandedhere, allegations areludicrous.If allegations. “Charles Agosta’s expressed angeratthe President, Executive Assistant tothe Foley, catering. courtesyofBon Appetit served, which coffee andbagelswere after three intheafternoon, it’s areallibrary.” andthey assureme who were, but Iknow many people n’t here, figure ofspeech.It’s trueIwas- “Itwas justa responded with, Dennis oflying. Greenaway alsopointedout Deanofthe Fred Greenaway, Vice-President in Fred Regan, “There isnoway alienscould Agosta was unabletocom- Jack After theconference, The conferencewas over by eetdy JohnBalcunas. repeatedly: but onenameshows up deleted, of thedocumentshave been many the facility. Unfortunately, of fundsfortheconstruction memos regarding theallocations era files containPentagon recently declassified cold-war- but record ofitsconstruction, andthereisno the originalidea, facility. the onlyverified entrance tothe whichremains via theelevator, Equipment was broughtdown were madetotheexisting levels. certainmodifications In addition, beneath thebasementofSackler. four extra floorswereadded construction work onthelibrary, but sometimeaftertheinitial theIDRISIproject. nology: ernment projectusingalientech- construction ofatop-secretgov- Thedesignand unimaginable: was atoncesimpleandyet claim, silence atarecentpressconference. fessors involved broke their brought forthwhen5ofthepro- This startlingnews was first ly goingonforover 20years. Clark faculty andstaff hasquiet- development projectutilizing aclandestine Science Building, ground flooroftheSackler IDRISIÕs Top Secret Underground Lab inSackler years beyond anyPentagon sophisticated weaponry, itÕs stealth technologiesand Employing avariety of velocity overlandorwater. port 10-30lifeformsathigh gies. Itisdesignedtotrans- restrial andalientechnolo- using acombinationofter- supersonic hovercraft built The IDRISIproject isa Blatt] Thackery, Bayse,Davies,and Profs. Kennedy, Agosta, timonies andresearch doneby The IDRISIProject: Hovercrafts All theprofessorswhoclaim It isunclearwhoconceived of The exact historyisunknown, they The purposeofthelab, remains are believed tobeheld. enters thesecure room where alien IDRISI Labdirector AnnieSullivan Deep below the OÕReilley by Jackie [Compiled from tes- Lodewyck by Laurie with itsmulti-terrain prowess. system empowers thevehicle operation. mized fuelstoragetosilent many respects, from mini- of generationisbeneÞcial in duction process. Thismethod tions andtheantimatterpro- used bothforthefusionreac- Deuterium count,whichis puriÞed waterwithahigh system. Thefuelishighly required bythepropulsion provides themassivepower matter andfusionreactions. It combination ofmatter/anti- its powerplant,drivenbya Skunkworks project. asecondary tems. Inaddition, andcomputersys- propulsion, power plant, three categories: there was money involved.” as avolunteer. “Ihadnoidea andagreedtosignon contacted, Hewas later ment labornot.” itwas anotein desk. With me, call. Othertimesamemoon one. Sometimesitwas aphone “We wereapproachedoneby Sulivan. were supervisedbyone Annie though theday-to-dayoperations charge ofthewholeproject, Balcunas was obviously in ground facility assertthat to have worked intheunder- An advancedpropulsion The heartofthevehicleis The work generallyfellinto Professor Ken Bayserecalls: apparatus foralienlarvae. Possibly adistillation/life support ontee govern- down there, thing was goingon believe almostany- “I’d as heputit, but levels ofSackler, going oninthelower about secretresearch heard something me I’d gettenure.” salary. And hetold over mystarting was abigincrease andit a goodcause, assured meitwas for Clark. “Balcunas after arriving at was recruitedsoon of money.” “They offered mealot Hepaused. meeting.” informing meofa fortune cookie, John Davies had Charles Agosta to slipmoreandbeyond whose natureevery dayseemed work onamysteriousproject, andthebelow-ground academia, theabove-ground lifeof worlds: found themselves living intwo andmost areas oftheirlives, project. to puttogetherthetrueaimof that madeitincreasinglydifficult were fedconflictinginformation were doing.Sometimesthey other regarding theresearchthey encouraged nottotalkeach andemployees were ject, about thetruepurposeofpro- Balcunas was always evasive thoughts aboutthework. ple began tohave second peo- but over time, on schedule, youknow.” Tesla, into myown research.Igot50 which Iwas abletoincorporate lized insanelypowerful magnets, uti- aswecalledit, Hovercraft,’ the‘Jefferson For example, up somethingshereandthere. topick though, “We wereable, niques.” technology andproductiontech- to simplyinterface itwithcurrent ourjobwas blowing. Butmostly, “Some ofitwas absolutelymind- student Andrew Albrecht. musedPhD alien technology,” about mostofthedetails Earth’s climate. help thembetteracclimatetothe biologic make-up ofthealiensto project was initiatedtostudythe time-continuum thatthe while moving inaslower by pullingspacetowards it, forward motionisprovided matter underthecraft.Thus, cy basedonthecollective the medianresonant frequen- to theharmonicintervalsof outofphase modulated 180¡ space beneaththevehicleis macro level. tum characteristicstothe of space-time,bringingquan- the highlycontrolled bending tainment Þeld.Theresult is focused byagravitronic con- fields, whichare inturn ate intenselypowerfully Giant electron magnetsgener- The secrecy extended toall Work proceededmoreorless Prof. Charles Agosta adds: “We werekept inthedark To provide levitation, sity is50feetunder- real researchuniver- took careofthat. The Andrea Michaels my university research. mind falsifying all Bayse. “Ididn’t recalls Ken myself,” to myfamily, dents, get tome. To mystu- that reallybegan to unhappy.” we weren’t too wanted tomake sure unconcerned andjust Kasperson seemed at faculty meetings. Prof. Kennedy. “Even said we never talked,” their grasp. “It was thelies “Toward theend, regarding eatingthechildrenor quick topointoutthatrumors giant slicesofwheatbread.” and Balcunaswas buying these top. Ithadabsolutelynopurpose, “but thecampwas justover the his townhouse intheHamptons, on conditionofanonymity from saidoneprofessor crazy things,” head. camp thatbroughtthingstoa announcement oftheUPNRP wasn’t talked about.” never mentionedoutloud.Itjust them.” my eyes. Ijustcouldn’t take Idropped elevator. Hesmiled, handed methedoublekeys to and ‘OK,’ it. And hejustsaid, Dr. I’mdone.Ican’t take Balcunas, Isaid, “Oneday, states, for avariety ofreasons.Davies but founditimpossible, tution, idea whatweweredoing.” anyway. We justhadno ground, our ownGlobal Positioning ing inthree dimensionsusing tem provides instantposition- addition, anavigationalsys- by thepropulsion system.In frequency analysis required er forthereal-time the computationalhorsepow- ing sea-monkeys. ideal environment forgrow- dence, italsoprovides the ly undetectable.Bycoinci- heat, makingthecraftvirtual- These methodsproduce no pitch andyawonthevertical. plane andvariablealtitude, movement onthehorizontal directed-aspect permits360¡ world around it.The field The unnamedsourcewas “Balcunas didsomepretty itwas the In theend, “Leaving was He continued, Some triedtoleave theinsti- Optical computersprovide access tothisfacilityisprohibited. tron microscope duringlunchlastFriday. Undergraduate RobotÒgraduate studentÓexamines aliensamplesinelec- Marcus Bennett. probed by unidentiÞedgraduate student,probably Surveillance photoreveals suspectedalienlifeformbeing fast-fourier Bug engines. couple ofold Volkswagon out Chevypowered bya that itÕsjustabighollowed- Þrmed atthispoint,suggest able ontheweaponssystem. graphic analysissoftware.) sold astheIDRISIcarto- technology wassplitoff and photographs. (Partofthis expert systemsandsatellite sensitive ninth-generation threaded fractal-basedcase- using object-orientedmulti- of thesurrounding terrain vides split-secondanalysis plex neuralnetworkpro- com- Satellite network. A held apressconference. andlater however, their story, were eventually abletotellher tried tohave themarrested. They where EditorMelissaHouston offices ofthe they ventured outtothe blackout, In theensuingcommunications Clark’s electronicinfrastructure. causing massive damageto thunderous storminSeptember, Clark’s lightningrodsduringa they disconnected rative bravado, silence. all agreedthey hadtobreakthe But hadn’t spoken formonths.” “We recalls Albrecht. strange,” held ameeting.“Ithasreally Justin Thackery and Allen Albrecht, Ken Bayse, Davies, John Charles Agosta, five men, touched on.] and thispointwas reportedtobe taking placeduringproduction, A pressconferencewas note: craft werepatentlyuntrue.[Ed. using themasfuelforthehover- Other sources, uncon- No informationisavail- In araremomentofcollabo- the 1996, 28th, On August Worcester Phoenix,

Page 9 • Not The Scarlet • October 17, 1996 Page 10 • Not The Scarlet • October 17, 1996 facilitate entry. winding concretestairway to second floorentrancereceived a added aroundtheperimeter. The were “concrete supportpods” covered withbrick andseveral was “shiny metallicexterior” duringwhichthe tion followed, several monthsofhastyconstruc- Scarlet’s stoned orhiding. According to most ofthecampuswas either when during SpreeDayin1969, interstellar spacecraft. regarding itstruefunctionasan in lightofrecentdisclosures now make sense troubled history, combinedwitha nal features, dysfunctional internalandexter- with such asbizarrearchitecture, half-joking speculation. Aspects of idleconversation-filler and al libraryhaslongbeenasource A SecondLookat theÔGoddard Memorial LibraryÕ irony ofthis. whether thealiensappreciate Memorial Library. It is unclear what wecalltheGoddard Star.” make itthroughathirdof“Dark theDeadwereonlyableto ing, untilthetimeofland- clouds, spacecraft emerged from the reveal thatfromthetime Grateful Dead’s set.Bootlegs nesses thoughtitwas partofthe landed. Interviews suggestwit- destroyed thetwo buildings and it After several hoursofhovering, President’s andDean’s houses. hover ominouslyabove the University andproceededto spacecraft arrived atClark The Beginning announcement. ered inthetimesinceoriginal mine fromtheinformationgath- asbestwecoulddeter- the tale, we offer thecompleteversion of purpose ofclearerunderstanding, the storyistoldpieces.For the quickly becomeconfusingwhen rospective realizations.Itcan with lotsofimplicationsandret- the aliensisacomplicatedone, and Small All ThingsGreat IDRISI, Aliens,and Picture: The Big According to JohnDavies, The librarylandedthenight The alienspacecraftisnow analien 1969, On SpreeDay, dating fromthatperiod, The Goddardmemori- Reinnendorf by Sven and Clark University, The fullstory ofIDRISI, by theEditors dfo htpro,but heclear- ed fromthatperiod, witnessed byanyone wecontact- of themwas oneJohnBalcunas. projects. The namesignedonall Ventilation and Air-Conditioning ny forextensive Heating, from alocalconstructioncompa- Hall show aseriesofwork orders Local recordsobtainedfromCity the aliensneededtosurvive. chief obstaclewas thehighheat Justin Thackery feelsthatthe but molecularbiologist sketchy, Data regarding thisprocessis foralibrary. could use.Ideally, into astructureinwhichhumans toconvert it renovations began, andtheinternal were complete, theoutsidemodifications year, certainly extemporaneous. that theexisting first floor was postulating David Stevens agrees, Psychologyprofessor again.” the craft’s abilitytotake off added becauseitwould “hinder afirstfloorwas not Astronomy, Professor ofPhysicsand relatively immediate action, Nixon Administration resultedin Cold War-induced paranoiaofthe early asDecemberof1969. The testify JohnBalcunassightingsas andwitnesses Clark fairly early, ently aware oftheincidentat books werestillinJonasClark. by thefact allofClark’s library attempts toenterwereplacated reason. Those frustrated by building beingconstructedforno just anotherstupidadministrative seemedtothinkitwas noticed, back then.” blowing upevery otherweekend “We hadbuildings unresearched, President whowishestoremain explained aformerClark like ashanty-town,” know, student demonstration.“You they thoughtitwas somesortof as took nonoticeofthebuilding, even attachtothebuilding. anddon’t areratherphony, sight, onhind- seen today. The facades, someofwhichcanbe ‘library,’ building brickfacades forthe initial timeonEarthwas spent technologically advanced. Their althoughthey are human beings, also appeartobenosmarterthan but notmuch. They on Earth, done somehomework aboutlife acns presencewas not Balcunas’ By earlysummerofthesame The government was appar- thosewho The students, Apparently the Administration The alienshadapparently 1969-1980. Eyewitness tention forthe periodof library isasourceofcon- did notgosmoothly. the fact thatthemodifications otherthan the changesmade, information isavailable about Little thing. Orsomething.” when they designedthis like someonewas tripping architectural oddities…it’s there aresomany strange and cated somany times, reference deskhasbeenrelo- “The ion piecefrom1975, According toa over theensuingfifteenyears. ture was changedrepeatedly Dewy -Decimalsystem.” human physiology andthe someone morefamiliar with aliens mayhave needed “The Stevens pointsout, chology professorDavid aspsy- structure. Perhaps, design andconversion ofthe ly hadamajorroleintheinterior at thetime. that fact tothenaivete ofstudents andonecanonlyattribute years, it wentunquestionedfor25 Aslaughableasthisis, Palermo.” of theRogerianCourtat effort byscholarsandtechnicians Idrisi headedacollaborative geographical survey oftheworld, King RogerofSicilytopreparea period… Commissionedby significance duringthemedieval pher andgeographerofmajor sonnel. ing namestaken fromClarkper- andcontain- spur ofthemoment, ences obviously fabricated onthe makingrefer- about thename, assertsridiculousthings instance, for too. The webpage, respects, be rathershoddyincertain but itappearsto extremely secret, by JohnBalcunas. Department ofDefense.Itisrun the DepartmentofEnergy and a dualprojectsponsoredbyboth It isfundedbythegovernment as Initiative againstSpaceInvasion. International DefenseResearch IDRISIstandsfor acronym,” assertion that“IDRISIisnotan YearsIDRISI: TheEarly Project. the formationofIDRISI million dollarswas allocatedto several andby1971, speaking, The areaunderneaththe Much oftheinteriorstruc- Balcunas was supposedtobe “Idrisiwas acartogra- To wit, The IDRISIoperationis Despite theIDRISIwebpage’s alien power schematics. Project, contemplating theimplementation ofaseries Surveillance photoofJohnBalcunas,headTheIdrisi Scarlet opin- con ifr u hr scr roborative evidence that massive but thereiscor- account differ, about plausibleexplanations. aliens hadnothingtoteachother capsule.” plate dubiouslylabeled“time under thespacecraftbehinda ment tobury anuclearwarhead Balcunas convinced thegovern- thing. Itwas aboutthistimethat the restofbuilding byany- so thefirstfloorisnotattachedto about beingabletotake off again, that thealienswereconcerned Records fromtheperiodindicate functional but therenonetheless. barely A firstfloorwas attached, supervise theexternal illusions. hours. humans toexist initforupto3 itwas safefor but by1973, pleted initsentiretyuntil1979, habitation. This was notcom- make ithospitableforhuman was completelyrenovated to andairconditioning ventilation, theheating, implemented. First, majorchangeswere however, ed, arrived. OnceIDRISIwas found- was slow untilBalcunas ‘library’ the spacecraft. super-light-speed enginesoutof plan totransferthemassive Balcunas was helpingthealiens that byDecemberof1972, to why. All wecandetermineis been noconvincing argument as has asyet, turned sides. There, he but atsomepoint, the aliens, heading IDRISI’s work against lal,thegovernment and Clearly, Balcunas was alsothereto work atonthenew The aliens’ resources inrelative anonymity. with large poolsoffinancial Balcunas was thusabletowork shouldn’t bemessed with. ed importantandprobably but itsound- the hellIDRISIwas, didn’t entirelyunderstand what testify thattheadministrations priority. Government sources was droppedintoextremely low whenIDRISI Administrations, Carter andReagan even throughthe ironically, figure budget. passed grantingIDRISIaseven- andabudget was Administration, renewed asaprioritybytheFord IDRISIwas get outof.Second, erroneously madeandcouldn’t tion factory thatthePentagonhad Worcester hovercraft-construc- was duetoacontractwith multi-purpose hovercraft. This project ofbuilding anall-terrain, by thetiming. tage oftheopportunitiesprovided Balcunas was abletotake advan- reports fromtheyearindicatethat and expense budget. Memosand needed apointtohisoccupation andhe been theretwo years, Balcunashad his paranoia. Also, new administrationwould share anditwasn’t clearifthe resigned, ardy by1973.Nixonhad Setting Up rfsosBye Kennedy, Professors Bayse, the researchprovided by with “Idon’t getit.” haspubliclyresponded IDRISI, currentDirectorof Ron Eastman, about the Alan Parsons Project. erence toajoke on The Simpsons uments suggestingthatitwas ref- court decisionhasuneartheddoc- althougharecent build theUC), and Jefferson Hall(torndown to the Jefferson Academic Center is apparentlyasnidereferenceto Jefferson Hovercraft. The name sonic hovercraft known asthe thesuper- into analienweapon: IDRISI Projectwas perverted The JeffersonHovercraft This luckwould continue, IDRISIwas given the First, projectwas injeop- Balcunas’ h efro oecat if The Jefferson Hovercraft, the direction, Under Balcunas’ equipment. what appearedtobedeep-drilling thoughsomepeoplerecall face, on afoundationbelow thesur- digging equipmentwas working genetic structurethey wish. and canbegrown toany human, biotes attachthemselves toa total mindcontrol. The sym- grew symbiotesthatallowed for them incubatingchamberswhich aliens. They hadbroughtwith Symbiotes, Signals,Secrets keys tothehovercraft. Balcunas istheonlyonewith them inthenext issue.] remain classified. [Lookfor but details est inpurchasingit, tude. Libyahasexpressed inter- weapon ofextraordinary magni- isanoffensive any indication, is andThackeray Agosta, Davies, in analienincubator (artistÕs rendering) Jack FoleyÕs mustache-symbiotehatching fcus,hewas helpingthe Of course, John All anyone knows is, working modelontopofhismonitor. viability fortheJeffersonHovercraft. Noticetheoriginal IDRISI Project director RonaldEastmanevaluates terrain were moved fromthelibrary’s library’s enginesandpower plant feelsthatthe propulsion system, whoworked onIDRISI’s Agosta, unwitting servant ofthealiens. radio stationbecamethefirst andthe the basementofSanford, WCUW was broadcastingoutof inaudible partsofthespectra. itbecameembeddedinthe grew, but as WCUW ple back-masking, WCUW’s broadcastingviasim- itwas hiddenin Originally, via anencodedmessage. signal backtotheirmothership and Walter(sideburns). Wright Thompson (eyebrows), Nick DickTraina(hair), tache), includingJackFoley (mus- ulty, of thetopadministratorsandfac- were eventually madeformany lookinglike hair, Symbiotes, Physics professorChuck As thealiensbegan toexert The alienstransmitahoming Balcunas arrangedfor spacecraft’s engines, nteain’plans. in thealiens’ become amajortheme venience. This would out troubleandincon- siders couldn’t gowith- whereout- fishbowl, something closetoa it madeClarkinto unto itself.Even better, something ofanisland makingClark traffic off, to cutamajorarteryof closed off. That served Woodland Streetwas change. First, University began to parts ofClark ence ontheschool, more andinflu- In ordertomove the official frontbythegovernment: from Jupiter.) speculation thatthealiensare basically eradicated.(Thereis plagued itsearlydayshadbeen extremely hottemperaturesthat andthe bynow, close toEarth’s, use. Itsatmospherewas pretty was aboutfitforhuman decade, in renovations over morethana afterseveral milliondollars time, Erection. structed Goddard the newly-con- their transmitterin and thealiensput moved off campus and WCUW Deals weremade, vivre didn’t fitin. and tude andjoiede nity-oriented atti- WCUW’s commu- Clark, mulate aplanfor beginning tofor- the alienswere more alarmingly, to dealwith.Even increasingly hard and get very bigandpopular, ly) robots. or(occasional- could bebought, peoplesocorruptthey bie slaves, either symbiote-controlledzom- ing andbeingreplacedwith key figureswereleav- but surely, help ofJohnBalcunas.Slowly the Clark Administration withthe aliens weremakingin-roadsin many partsofClark. converters andusedtopower hooked intopowerful energy wherethey were Jonas Clark, engines intothebasementof was usedtomove thealien plant andgottenit. The money have asked foracovegitation andthey could administration, but thiswas theCarter plant, such thingasacogeneration there’s no Ofcourse, ation plant.’ Energy granttobuild a‘cogener- to applyforaDepartmentof under theinfluenceofasymbiote some studentsandaprofessor oe qimn,thelikes of power equipment, “very large generatorsandother ly assistedinthemovement of hereported- for storage.In1976, second floordown intothisspace n18,IDRISIwas given an In 1981, inthemean- The spacecraft, WCUWbegan to Meanwhile, the About thesametime, began fly-bysin thelate admissions department about theroof until Clark’s always locked. secure entrancethatis control centerhasaseparate computing facilities. The the campusandadvanced for monitoringallaspectsof tures agiantdisplayscreen the IDRISIproject.Itfea- controlcenterfor Balcunas’ revealed ittobethe photos andinvestigations pletely hiddenuntilrecent not beenseenandwas com- book storage. additional libraryspacefor one sectionaccommodating with level was partitioned, thebasement significantly, andopinionsdiffer point, only 50feetaway. At some addition toJonasClark, under thelibrarytoanew from which I’d never seen” Very little was known The otherpartitionhas basement ofJonasClarkHall. now stored intheÒcogeneration plant,Ó located inthe Super-light-speed enginesfrom thealienspacecraftare wanted tomake themostsweep- yethe of mediacircusagain, face ofClarkUniversity. extreme amountsofmudonthe and intense mediaattention, but onlyafter5yearsoflawsuits, Peck was successfullyremoved, from Clarkanddiscredithim. cessful effort toremove Peck anapparentlysemi-suc- IDRISI, fabrication byBalcunasand whole scandalwas anelaborate the colleagues atClark.Infact, ual harassmentbyfive female was accusedofsex- archival and data, eyewitnesses, newspapers, ifyoubelieve the Sociology who, noia was theSidney Peckfiasco. One possiblereasonforthepara- because “heknew toomuch.” campus dognamedBaron exists arumorofhimkilling ently gotsooutofhandthatthere noia was risingrapidly. Itappar- level ofpara- indicate Balcunas’ sis. dimensional cartographicanaly- Department believe itdoesthree- members oftheGeography some ly concocted. To thisday, was hasti- Geographic Research” Cartographic Technologyand worked. The “ClarkLabsfor It banal noonewillthinktwice.” rationale seemedtobe“It’s so the many government projects, map scanningbut easier. Like ic imagetechnology. It’ll belike pretend you’re doingcartograph- pods. Dr. Agosta has identified structures that he feelsareescape pointedoutexterior in Physics, of thestructure. provide views fromallsixsides andexternal onesthat library, look intootherareasinside the as interiorwindows insidethat dy renovations. numerous artifacts fromtheshod- along with remaintothisday, or, sumably fromtheoriginalinteri- pre- eye-brows. Many features, structure notraisingtoomany presumably contentwiththeir thealiens were ahalf-assedjob, satellite photos. operation focusingonanalyzing roborated bytheIDRISI’s cover atheorycor- viewed byspace,” “obviously sothestructure canbe chair Walter Wright feelsthisis bles agiantbook.Philosophy thelibraryresem- directly above, then thatwhenviewed from Rumors have aboundedforyears with anattacheddockingtower. Clearly visibleisalandingpad of thesurroundingneighborhood. 70’s toproduceddoctoredphotos Balcunas didnotwant thissort Sidney Peckwas professorof Memos fromthistimeperiod Andy Albrecht, PhD student PhD Andy Albrecht, such Examples arenumerous, therenovations In theend, had sethissightsonClark. Clark administration.Balcunas acompleteturnover ofthe pus: ing changepossibleonthecam- nit RobertGoddard. entist, ture was Clark’s own rocket sci- namesake chosenforthestruc- the On afinal noteof irony, gin ofthisextraterrestrial edifice. never beenknown abouttheori- thetruth mighthave carelessness, clear thatwithoutthedesigners’ serve nopurpose. where andconcreteslabsthat as hallways thatdon’t goany- many architecturalodditiessuch other areasinsidethelibrary)and or (suchaswindows thatview sumably fromtheoriginalinteri- leaving featurespre- executed, been hastilyplannedandpoorly knowledge. outright denying inany such this articlewereeitherevasive or professors weinterviewed for rials init. All thescientistsand be possibletofindresearchmate- ever take off; whetheritwillever secret purpose;whetheritwill library—whether itserves some the immediateuseof detached andleftontheground. andlarger onesapparently ture, thruster enginesaboutthestruc- et includingProfessorPeck, left, administrators andprofessors massive amountsof starters, changes forClarktookplace.For allofthemostsignificant od, 1983 and1985.Inthattimeperi- Clark was executed between TakinÕ Over forGood emian. tence level ofyouraverage acad- attributed tothebasiccompe- basically helpless. This canbe was that“ClarkUniversity shows expressed ina1978document, dence. increasingly large pilesof evi- when confrontedwiththe even believe inthealiensatall, Many peopleatClarkrefusedto government intheirbackyard. versity wasn’t surethey liked the andtheuni- liberal artsschool, weren’t surethey couldtrustthe government hacksatIDRISI a very tenuousrelationship—the IDRISIandClarkhad of the70s, always thisway. For thelength mentioning IDRISI.Itwasn’t ingfully talkofClarkwithout andonecannotmean- separable, they arenot Clark. Currently, about IDRISI’s relationshipwith IDRISI andtheUniversity htvrteftr ln,itis Whatever thefutureplans, itappearstohave In theend, wehave nodataon Currently, acns plantotake over Balcunas’ as IDRISI’s attitude, Some pointsneedtobemade orss,but were to resist, tried meanwhile, jeopardize it. was notaboutto pamby university and somenamby- their own agenda, had this point, by and Balcunas, IDRISI removed.” should probably ence]. They the alienpres- tant to[thefact of andisresis- ing, signs ofcooperat- only reluctant The university,

Page 11 • Not The Scarlet • October 17, 1996 Page 12 • Not The Scarlet • October 17, 1996 nibakcmet,andcaused anti-black comments, and anti-Jew, debatably anti-gay, Today. Itcontainedanumberof three-page insertcalledJew-S-A containeda called theHarlot, Spree DayparodyoftheScarlet, student presshere. scandal tobreakthebackof To thatendhearrangedfora dent bodyisnothingbut trouble. informedstu- that anorganized, aliens. IDRISI Projectandhelpthe andchildrentofurtherthe staff, by theenslavement offaculty, the additionalworkload caused thiswas tohandle Presumably, administration doubled. and thenumberofpeoplein theworldIDRISI ruled The BigPicture: When piciously. the electronicmessage boardsus- eyeing mulling abouttheU.C., Some weresimplyinshock, Campus GreentoGrindCentral. from effects couldbeseen, the cern. All aroundcampus, expressed con- such asFriends, andtelevision series The Arrival, films like IndependenceDayand Tom fordays. abducted andthathehadn’t seen what concernedaboutbeing thathewas some- off therecord, petition totheadministration.” Tom andIhave drafteda end, andtothat minds ofthestudents, issue weighingheavily onthe “The comingdayswillseethis he and Tom would take action. andassuredthat feeling ofcalm, Chris Condontriedtoinstatea indifference. emphatic denialtobombastic from shockandsurpriseto the University. Feelingsranged closure ofalieninvolvement at mixed reactionstotherecent dis- Involvement Disclosure ofAlien Students Reactto pcfcly n18,the in1983, Specifically, The 70shadtaughtBalcunas aysuet,stillfreshfrom Many students, President Condenlateradded, Student Councilpresident reading from thetransmitter beseentakinga Balcunas canclearly Clark studentshad Populas by Tatyana Scarlet hasnever recovered from resigned orgraduated. The with allthesenioreditors cut tohalfofwhatitusedbe, theScarlet’s staff was next fall, andcome dent bodyeven more, This served toalienatethestu- the Scarlet’s lackofjudgement. the administrationanddefending Editor wroteacolumnattacking andtheManaging considerably, poor taste. and reprimandingthemfortheir viciously attackingtheScarlet, box withatwo-page letter They stuffed every studentsmail- whom wereworking forIDRISI. many for notsurprisingly, tration, response was fromtheadminis- a massive outcry. The first this isjust[expletive] perfect. It but cions about[Mike] Dennis, ures. Ithinkweallhadoursuspi- even moreforthcoming.“Itfig- the way they runthisplace.” justlookat Berendes. ”Imean, addedElse kind ofmakes sense,” right?Notfood.” something, houseplantsor like, obvious ate, becausethey [thealiens] long, Like whyDAKA was hereforso really explains alotofthings. “Butit exclaimed JohnMacey, really,” reflective. “I’mshocked, more reasonthatClarksucks.” direct view. “Thisis justone Benden Sheehantookamore Senior the pigswon’t bust?” Florence streettonight?Onethat know ifthere’s apartyon to react—I’mnumb…doyou like Idon’t even know how mean, “I’mterrifiedaboutthis.I mused, the groundandstaringatit. to simplydroppingthesackon asparticipants resorted the effect, ing. Even thehackey circlesfelt subjects inaSalvidorDalipaint- drooped aboutlike unsuspecting groups ofstudentscouldbeseen This antagonizedtheScarlet Senior JohnSpelmanwas “That’s totallybizarre.Butit Other studentsweremore A disaffected JodyGray Others feltdepressed.Large wide credibility. this lossofcampus- psychology andeffectsofmind-control drugs. investigator BillEvans aliennotesinthestudyofhuman Psychology Professor David Stevens shows WheatBread With thestudent WhyPhysical Plantistoo • Thesecretpoolbeneath • Thehugeunaccounted-for • Theradardishesontheroofof • out loud: but they know wewillnever ask installed. We lookandwonder, tures oftoday’s campuswere or complications. dissent, fear ofdiscovery, agendaswithno and thealiens’ able toimplementbothIDRISI’s Balcunaswas IDRISI’s control, the key administratorsnow under and body cutoutoftheinfoloop, Junior CariMorin. “With all angry. really coolpiercings.” they “wereprobablyGothswith insistingthat the alienpresence, undaunted andeven intrigued by Mark Garriepy appeared Forest Leeandrecentgraduate numbers moreclosely.” but Ihave tolookatthe problem, surface itdoesnotappeartobea more guardedoptimism.“Onthe Treasurer Abou Fall displayed a something funny formetosay.” write stating“Randy, the news, Weisenfeld appeareddelightedat expected fromthe Viewbook.” “Thisisexactly whatI added, Shefurther Clark’s diversity.” adds awholenew elementto proclaiming“This at theidea, expressed initialexcitement dent, News. saysClark time ofnew ideas,” college isaplaceand “After all, Hog wafting outover the quads. sound ofhappy chatterandSpace the were abuzz withthenews, of events. Bullockand Wright expressed enthusiasmat theturn seemed alarmedandeven didnot those intheirfirstyear, totally explains theflagpole.” agreement. “Absolutely! That student lifeandneeds.” administration issounfocusedon certainly explains whythe install phonelines busy topressnew keys or Atwood Hall Tilton Hall spaces inthreecornersof the University Center. many ofthefea- Over time, Icntbleei! exclaimed “I can’t believe it!” Some Clarkieswerejust Senior Junior RobertMohns, Junior andStudentCouncil Sociology major Amy first-yearstu- Emily Gerard, especially Some students, George Gilpatrickwas in Themysteriousremoval of • JackFoley’s mustache • DAKA’s existence herefor22 • Thedisappearanceofthecam- • Thoseweirdstreaksinthe • Theshuttingoff ofShirley • the TheUniversity Park Plan, • ThesecretfloorsofJonas • WhyIDRISIhastheirown • WhyCampusPoliceinsistson • ding.” Guo. “Justkid- candidate Steve member andPhD appointed faculty chortled newly one oncampus.” ness tokeep every- Housing’s eager- it explains Erinn Gerry. “And crew powerhouse remarked library,” book inthe can never find a than anything else. reactions were morerandom Clark, diversity thatis intent onglobaldomination.” orpower-mad space aliens cops, the any interferencefrom RA’s, without party any timewewant, with this. We shouldbeableto wehave toputup school here, all themoney wepaytogo “Ijustcan’t believe withthat ing, stat- expressed anegative view, ridiculous.” some kindofweirdalienshitis hoarding oftuitionmoney for WheatBread. Butthissystematic to craplike UPNRPand enough thatmytuitionwas going capitalist enterprise.Itwas bad wonder thisinstitutionissucha arts department.” no wonder wecan’t fieldadecent its these aliensrunningaround, use Dana Commonsfromstudent years pus dogs won’t collect ground wheresnow andrain possibly Downing Street and Woodland Street, Street, ever attempted most desperatePRcampaign Clark Admissions hastoshare but everyone but building, bust very selective inwhomthey andis the Card-Entrysystem, can’t handle signing outkeys, Peter Kaskan, “You allfail!” “That’s whyI But beingthepanaceaof Senior SamPuldaalso Brian Carusoagreed.“No ing future use. above theClarklandscape,converted pend- intoalibrary The formercommandcenterofthealienspacecraftrises students toreact tothenews thisweek. George Gilpatrick Ô98was one ofdozens of more “coincidences.” Comparison onthenext page for [ ThatidiotintheCougaroutfit • Theinexplicable inabilityof • TheSacklerelevator • Thefact thatcolorfulpillarsof • David Milstoneandthe • StudentCouncilpaying • scruplesabout Admissions’ • Theextraterrestrial idiocy of • WhyClarkspendsmillions • xeprzn,“What?” extemporizing, unaffected bytherevelations, change awholelot.” “itreallydoesn’t Ari Herzog, contemplated Economicmajor ment ofSackler.” freshman yearlostinthebase- spent thefirstthreemonthsofmy “Iguessthat’s whyI nisced: library issofucked up.” “Nowonder the remarked: was incompetent.” just thoughttheadministration unsettled. “Iliked itbetterwhenI “Waste ofbricks.” toward thelibraryandmuttered, glanced upon hearingthenews, Please seethe Timeline the Vax toupload many years for wax werea“firehazard” Housing gestapo Residential Deathand sage board $15000 fortheelectronicmas- representing theschool the University Centerdesign campus all college-type serviceson borhood’s deathbybringing and yetguaranteestheneigh- MainSouth trying to“help” Junior JimLevesqe seemed intheend,” Iguess, “Well, Senior Mike Crossremi- Junior RachelEisnerbluntly Nathan Kleinberger seemed ] John Balcunastothelight plot, IDRISIProject and Photographs bringalien and docked initsbay onthespaceship An alienspacecraftshuttlepodlocked testing ontheJeffersonHovercraft. Professor JohnDavies preparing analienlasercannonfor lands Library Alien/IDRISI Power Structure Day Spree Director oftheIDRISILab 9 6 9 1 FacultyÑIDRISI (Sackler Resources) Annie Sulivan arrives Balcunas founded IDRISI 1 7 9 1 plant to cogeneration transfer ofengines Successful cogeneration plant grant awardedfor Dept. ofEnergy 6 7 9 1 IDRISI ComputerResources Advanced SystemsResearch IDRISI ComputerResources Comp-Sci Dept. Victor Berzins (Telecom. Director) (Telecom. Director) Bob LeBeau (OIS Consultant) OIS Coordinator Clark University-IDRISITimeline (Academic) Clark University-OfficialTimeline OIS OIS Sculpture Goddard moved to Transmission campus moved off WCUW 0 8 9 1 Development IDRISI (Phys. PlantProjectDirector) (Director ofPhysicalPlant) (Direcotr ofIDRISIProject) Main Street offices to moves some Balcunas Physical Plant founded official IDRISI Special Projects IDRISI Merchandising 1 8 9 1 Tom Wall Ron Eastman Paul Bottis Lint Collector Clark full controlof Aliens assume turnover administrative Massive 4 8 9 1 diagrams alienDNA. Genetics professor JackThackary alien symbiot taken overby Jack Foley Bus. Manager promoted to Jack Foley 7 8 9 1 Government Funding (University Resources Fred Regan Denise Derrigrand ) Monitor, CampusAffairs (Dean ofStudents) human zooidea Aliens decideon opens University Center 1 9 9 1 Stephen Goulet University Police Commander InChief John Balcunas (Chief ofPolice) NSA Lietenenant (HVAC Techician) Security (NSA agents) Found./Corporate Funding Andrea Michaels Director ofFinance (Associate Provost) breaks Story communications out alien Storm knocks Lightning Tom Dolan 6 9 9 1 (Senior V.P.) (Drummer forZZTop) Frank Beard Special Funding behind closeddoorsinthebasementofJonasClarkHall. An enginedamagedintheinitiallandingcurrently resides forhumanuse. toreadystruction thelibrary intended forhumanactivity. IttookÞfteenyears ofcon- ßoorplansindicate not astructure clearly Library heat shields.Thetrees, ofcourse,are fake. arehrusters visible ontheroof; noteangledre-entry The tallstructure at leftisalandingleg; two retrot- (AgostaÕs whereabouts are currently unknown.) nets recently installedintothehovercraft model. Chuck Agostaconductingtestsonsuperconducting mag- Operations Dean ofCollege Clark Paul Ropp (Same) Faculty-Non-IDRISI (Spec. Asst.toPresident) Director ofExpansion IDRISI Labpersonnel Jack Foley (Dean ofGraduateSchool) Fred Greenaway (Same) Richard Traina Public Relations (President) Roger (Exec. V.P.ofFinance) Jim Collins President Personnel (Provost) Kasperson Dir. ofCommunications (Business Manager) Mike Dennis

Page 13 • Not The Scarlet • October 17, 1996 14 • October 17, 1996 • The Scarlet MyGoth!Thisfall,funerealfashion meetsthehomeyhousewife

BY JINM SKITTISH style. dition, Moss had a black tear Scarlet Poseur DeNoir copied a desk from the drawn under her right eye. There club set and adapted it for high were a few models made up with This fall, fashion has gone retro. fashion. He dressed Moss in a purple smudges under their eyes Bell bottoms, platform shoes, and skin tight ankle length dress in order to mimic illness. knee-length skirts, which have made of the darkest red velvet. The Goth aesthetic incorporates long been the staples of this He prepared the velvet by wash- the style of the 13th century year’s wardrobe, are now being ing it repeatedly until the fabric Medieval Germanic people it is banished from closets forever. was well worn. After sewing the named for, plus the modernity of What is the newest old fashion? deep V-necked dress, he tore the sadomasochism. Only on a Goth Here’s a hint: It puts the Vamp left sleeve partly off and ripped will you find lace and leather, or back in revamped style. the hem, creating a slit up the velvet and chains, in such a won- Goth fashion has been an off- side. Underneath this, he dressed derful combination. shoot of American style for quite Moss in a black mesh body stock- Color and cotton are now be- a while, but it has only recently ing. Black army boots and a five ing laughed at in the same way gained popularity among the inch long cross were her only black polyester took a beating fashion elite. In Paris and Lon- accessories. DeNoir’s entire from designers in the mid-eight- don, shows centered around the Lestat collection is available ies. Black lace, velvet, leather, “funeral aesthetic” have received from Saks Fifth Avenue in New and “fishnet anything” are the a lot of press. Kate Moss, with York with affordable price tags new wardrobe staples. The only her waxy complexion and ex- ranging from $1,000 to $23,500 colors allowed are black, a dark tremely thin frame, has been the per piece. blood red, or any color that re- model receiving the most atten- The majority of the models in sembles decay. No more bright tion. Hungarian designer deNoir’s show wore pale yellow or pastels in your closet! Antoine deNoir featured her in a foundation, dramatically dark Makeup and hair take on dif- modern version of the medieval eyes, and black lipstick. In ad- ferent rules than they ever have previously in fashion history. The rules are the same for both men and women, a fashion first. The key word for both is “un- Write for Living Arts! natural.” The goal is not to look better than what Mother Nature has bestowed, but to look more Or Mr. Blonde will ghastly. The hair must be big and unnatural. This is the only cut your ear off. part of the body that is allowed to have any color, as long as it is obviously fake and anything but WOODY GRANT Exactly the connection between the Worcester Art Museum’s cheerful. That’s a Reservoir Dogs joke. ongoing Grant Wood exhibition and our model’s desire to pose Mock-up is a must for both men as “American Gothic” is unclear. Perhaps these fine examples Aren’t we witty? And cultured? and women. The face must be of the Goth conservative wing will soon be appreciating other Wouldn’t you like to play with us, now? as pale as possible without re- “Modern Masters” such as Bartok and Picasso! Please? No one else will and we’re lonely. sembling a mime. The only use

CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE ‘FireatWill’missesmarkwithbadpuns

BY WILLIAM W. WILLIAMS see aliens disguised as people. slop. Sophomore Jan Zukowski show really loses any power it these aliens can travel through scarlett staff The plot then degenerates rap- did an excellent job as both a might have had to capture this time. I learned somewhere that idly into something only distantly stoner and a confused, sarcastic campus’ imagination: the such travel was impossible due Clark’s radio station has quite a approaching coherence about a college student, making a com- premise is just too ridiculous. to the paradoxes it would create. bit to offer this campus, includ- bounty hunter from another pletely unbelievable character at There is an ongoing debate of Fire at Will” is a show with ing the potential to become more planet and a wisecracking com- least partially believable. Jenni- the possibility of the existence of considerable potential, but first than a depository for toilet jokes, puter and chocolate cake (more fer Kilbane (‘97) was able to extraterrestrial life which this it needs an overhaul. More vari- or so I’ve always thought. So on this later). It has the classic bring a much-needed humanity reviewer is going to avoid, but ety of characters would be a good when I saw that the Radio of trappings, from a covert alien to the show in the form of a there are more practical prob- start, hopefully with less stereo- Clark University (now trading invasion to a damsel in distress, wisecracking computer who lems with “Fire at Will” that I typing. But the main problems under the call letters XRCU) was but it never manages to crawl out bosses everyone around. cannot ignore. First of all, there come in the logic department, offering a weekly radio serial, in of the X-Files-induced paranoia Junior Elsa Berendes was sadly is never any adequate explana- and until those difficulties are the spirit of the 1930s classics muck that so obviously inspired under-utilized in her role as the tion of how the main character, fixed, no one will be able to en- like “The Shadow” and such, it. main character’s girlfriend. Her George, is able to see the aliens joy the humor to its fullest poten- written by a Clark student and This is not to say that it is not big scene came when she was through their human disguises. tial. Aliens are no longer much starring Clark students, I thought funny. I often found myself kidnapped by aliens and needed Is this a normal reaction upon of a stretch for the American that potential may at last be ful- laughing as I listened to the first to be rescued by the men of the being hit by a meteor, or was that public, but changing human be- filled. Unfortunately, I was mis- episode, which thankfully lasted story. And here I thought this simply a coincidence? Granted, ings into chocolate cake— extra taken. only twelve minutes, but it was was a progressive radio station. most of Clark doesn’t care about moist, no less— is a concept that “Fire at Will,” airing Sunday not the brand of humor I had Sundrop Carter (‘97), Jeremy the explanation, but those of us only the most deranged portion nights at 7pm, is humorous, but hoped for. The script was long Goodman (‘98), Randy Mack that do are denied any kind of of humanity could ever accept its wit seems distinctly lacking on puns and short on story, and (‘96.5), Betsy Hopkins (‘97) and information on the subject. without some kind of scientific in any intelligence. Writer David while some of the jokes were Dave Bernstein (‘98) round out Furthermore, the process of base. Reed (‘98) means well, but his humorous, I found more to laugh the talented cast. The cast is turning people into chocolate Likewise, some originality of outlandish premise lacks both at in what pitifully passed as expanding for future shows and cake is never explained, either. story would be a plus, though I imagination and sufficient sci- sound effects. (Is this what the new members will undoubt- How can the molecular structure realize originality on this cam- entific basis in reality to make it they’ve been spending Student edly be just as talented as the of a human being, a complex pus is at a premium. In the end, more than passably entertaining. Council’s money on?) But this present members. collection of many kinds of mol- there is no doubting that “Fire at The basic premise of the first sort of thing is expected and ex- For all its shortcomings, “Fire ecules, be reduced to a piece of Will” has a considerable sense of episode is that a college (pre- cusable. The show was still en- at Will” is not a bad show. While chocolate cake, a much smaller humor. However, it suffers sadly sumably Clark) student is struck tertaining, even if for the wrong the humor is sporadic, it is still collection of entirely different from a lack of logic and imagina- by a meteor but survives with reasons. entertaining and would definitely molecules? Maybe some phys- tion, and finally falls short of the only minor injuries (warning The cast was very strong and be worth listening to if it were ics majors out there would care mark. enough). Then, for no apparent one cannot help but think that not for the show’s compete lack to explain that to me. And while [Fire at Will is on XRCU-91.5 reason, he develops the power to they could do better than this of credibility. Here is where the you’re at it, please tell me how fm and Ch. 11 Sundays at 7pm.] The Scarlet • October 17, 1996 • 15

FallPreview: Living Arts Gothhousewives FROM LAST PAGE The fashion has even extending blush has in this look is to high- itself to nipple and genital light the breasts of female Goths piercings, though those are less in low-cut blouses. The eyes obvious to the standard viewer must be done entirely in black, unless the Goth is only wearing either heavy handed with smoky tights. edges towards the eyebrows and The sadomasochism implied by underneath the eye, or as much the Goth’s view of pain as plea- of the purest black that can be sure can be worn as a fashion found. The lip color gives the statement as well as a sexual wearer a bit more variety. game. Choke collars, spiked Among the catwalk fashions and bracelet and chokers, studded the club set, both black and dark belts, handcuffs and even whips red were the big winners for lip are worn as accessories. color. Some Goths chose steel, The world of fashion has taken gun metal gray, and duct tape off with this newest old friend. colors for their lips, but they were Designers the world over are in the minority. slowly making this style acces- Another Goth fashion must sible to all ages and preferences. borders on the masochistic, but In this writer’s opinion, it will that fits right in with the rest of not be long before even your the image. Piercings are the lat- grandmother is reading H.P. est addition to this growing style. Lovecraft, swaying along with The chances of finding an ear, Trent Reznor or the Cure, and Our models ham it up during our photo shoot. Note how light and easy this attire can be, nose, lip, eyebrow or tongue cracking her hemp whip in her allow lots of free leg room. This ensemble is preferred by discriminating Goth Contra unpierced in a club seems to be torn dress of black velvet— with Dancers as well. growing smaller and smaller. fishnets, of course. IndefenseofFireatWill

BY GHYRNOTH the history of particle physics. The first Dragon Slayer and Furry Wombat Molester mention of chocolate cake was in 1883 by Edward Morley who proposed that Having read William Williams’ review chocolate cake was a fundamental state of the radio program entitled “Fire at Will” of matter and that all other non-funda- [left], I feel moved to speak in defense of mental states could be caused to revert several key issues. I personally am not back to this particular state. His theory familiar with the program as a whole and was scoffed at, as his equations were have never listened to it. Indeed, it came fraught with errors, but he nevertheless as something of a surprise to me to learn continued to develop the idea, figuring in that the Clark University radio station has both plate and silverware, both of which call letters (instead of that dreadful seemed an essential part of the “cake- “ROCU” that it’s been called since I’ve state”. Four years later, however, he took been here). But I feel I must respond to part in the unfortunate Michelson-Morley some of the remarks that Mr. Williams experiment, and his reputation and self- made in (albeit common) ignorance. esteem never recovered enough to allow I am not a physics major, but I have stud- him to continue his work. The cast and crew of Fire at Will. From left to right are: the special effects team of Betsy ied the subject on my own time and am Chocolate cake then disappeared for Hopkins and Dave Bernstein, Jan (George) Zukowski, Jeremy (Jupiter) Goodman, Elsa quite versed in both theories and applica- many years, though it does appear in a (Penelope, Carrie) Berendes, Dave (writer, announcer) Reed, Jen (Destiny) Kilbane, tions. As I am sure that all physics majors different context in the writings of Rob- Aidan (Will, Bill, Paul Revere) Reynolds, Sundrop (Waitress, Agent 38) Carter, Randy on campus are still laughing from Will- ert Goddard. Goddard claimed that in (Corporal Punishment) Mack. iams’ ludicrous statements, I will attempt 1917, the idea of rocket propulsion came gone and the cake was still there. At first elementary state of matter. Then, in his to let the rest of campus in on the joke to him one night very suddenly over a he thought that his wife had been turned crowning moment, Dirac and several stu- and hopefully provide something of an piece of chocolate cake. Then, in 1925, into chocolate cake, but later realized she dents were able to turn a stray cat into a education that they otherwise would not or so the story goes, chocolate cake helped had only gone shopping. He concluded piece of chocolate cake which they de- receive without delving deep into the lead Erwin Schrodinger to develop his that his concept was strictly theoretical scribed as “extra moist.” Unfortunately, theory of relativity and wave form equa- theory of wave-mechanics. The example and went on to publish four papers in 1926 Dirac refused to publish his findings or tions. William Williams was of the opin- of “Schrodinger’s Cat” will forever eclipse which outlined what is still known as allow anyone else to examine his notes. ion that “Fire at Will” lacks scientific ba- the earlier example of “Schrodinger’s Schrodinger’s Equation. Finally, on his deathbed in 1984, he ad- sis. I propose to prove that this statement Cake”, leaving the latter for amateur his- The most important development in the mitted with embarrassment that he had is utterly false. torians such as myself to discover. In early history of chocolate cake occurred in 1934 spilled coffee on them while enjoying that First, a word on a subject slightly out of 1925, Schrodinger theorized that if he left at the hands of Paul Dirac, who by coin- historic piece of chocolate cake and had my area of knowledge. Williams implies a piece of chocolate cake in the kitchen cidence shared the 1933 Noble Prize with not been able to remember what he wrote. that the idea of surviving being struck by while his wife was present for exactly one- Schrodinger. Dirac was then the Lucasian So we see that it is not only theoreti- a meteor is absurd, but surely stranger half hour, the odds of her eating the cake Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge, cally, but mechanically possible to turn events have transpired. And that such a were precisely fifty percent. Thus, the cake and he took advantage of the institution’s an unsuspecting person into a piece of traumatic experience should cause a was either there or not there, and as long resources to test a particular theory of his. chocolate cake. The radio program, “Fire chemical imbalance is nothing too far as he did not look into the kitchen the In 1928, Dirac had theorized that the at Will”, therefore, is indeed grounded in fetched, and such an imbalance could con- probability waveform would, theoreti- movement of elementary particles could hard scientific facts and should not be ceivably cause the peculiar effect of al- cally, cause the cake to cease to exist. be better explained in terms of matrices scoffed at so easily. The writer is obvi- lowing one to see aliens. (I, too, will avoid However, if the cake no longer existed, rather than scalar quantities. In 1934, he ously a student of physics and a vision- the debate over the possible existence of Schrodinger’s argument continued, then decided that those matrices could be ap- ary ahead of his time. Perhaps next time, aliens.) Regardless, this is more of a prob- his wife would have nothing to eat thus plied directly to matter and the forms cre- Mr. Williams will not be so hasty to criti- lem for students interested in biology. My reducing the probability of the experiment ated by the positioning of particles could cize something without doing at least some specialty is physics, so we’ll move on. to zero, which created a paradox that change relative to the observer. This novel rudimentary research into what he is talk- The prospect of turning a person, or in- (Schrodinger hoped) would cause his wife application of the theory of relativity paid ing about. A quick peak in the library deed anything, into a piece of chocolate to cease to exist. Schrodinger reportedly off and Dirac was able to determine math- would have saved him much embarrass- cake is not outlandish at all. In fact, choco- attempted this experiment on August 21, ematically what Morley had failed to fifty ment. late cake has had a very special place in 1925, and after half-an-hour, his wife was years before: that chocolate cake was an 16 • October 17, 1996 • The Scarlet Grind Central’s Movies of the Week Answers to this week’s Jester Crossword bacchus==bilaga=== s=e===a====a====w= uac=p=b=emts==cYhY ==i&e==v=a=o==o=e= x=l=casa=s==S=uYaY r==c===r=s====n=t= cumun==copace=tYbY u==f=====i===l==r= =c=spoc==rlh=o=YeY YoY===c==g==YtY=a= =d=Y=YfY==Y==u=YdY ==malaY=====iso=Y= Retrospective:Retrospective: =YhY=cubsY=Y=Y=Y=Y mpa=Y=Y=Y=Y=Y=Y=Y= sY=alciY=Y=Y=Y=Y=Y TheThe BestBest ofof CCNCCN c=Y=Y=Y=Y=Y=Y=Y=Y= 1995-present d=cags=Y=Y=Y=Y=Y=Y c=Y=Y=Y=Y=Y=Y=Y=Y= Wednesdays • 8:00 p.m. We think Winners receive… nothing WRITE ALREADY! WE DESPERATELY NEED YOU!

Top Ten Things You Must Believe If You Website of the Week Want To Be a Stoner and http://www.clarku.edu/~rmohns/billsdick/ Fail Out of School:

10) “The Man” is bringing me down. 9) If Bon Appetit had room service, things would be different here. 8) If Worcester had more to do then I wouldn’t have to smoke up. 7) You’re too upset over Jerry’s death to go to class. 6) If Clark got better bands, then I would have to smoke up more. 5) Hackie is all the intellectual ‘Bill’s Dick’s Web Page’ is a must- stimulation I need. bookmark for those interested in the 4) You think I’m gonna go to class while extent to which the Internet can be applied to the most trivial elements of daily life. This enterprising Phish is touring? Clarkie took it upon himself to fill a void in the Information Superhighway. While the site is admittedly under construction, 3) [Too stoned to articulate a coherent curious webbers can access a variety of related material and pictures. thought] To suggest a Website of the Week, send email 2) School? Where? to SCARLET (or a note to Box B–13) with the URL and a photograph of the website. 1) Everything is Campus Police’s fault. The Scarlet • October 17, 1996 • 17

Jester Crossword 8LMRKWXSHSXSHE] 1_2___3==4_5___=== MRRSTEVXMGYPEVSVHIV ACROSS _=_===_====_====6= 1. Whiners against 7__=8=_=90__==a___ winers ==b__==c=_=_==_=_= +IXSJJ 4. In theory, 10% d=_=e___=_==_=f___ should belong _==g===_=_====_=_= +IXE0MJI 7. Not University- h____==i_____=j___ wide, not related to _==_=====_===k==_= 7LMX activities, but =l=m__n==o__=_=p__ )EX&IXLEXXLI0MFVEV] definitely a q__===_==_==r__=_= committee =_=s=t__==_==_=u__ 7RSVX 9. Sure, you’ve been ==v____=====w__=_= *IXGL*VMWFII+SSH¥ shot… but are you =x__=y____=_=_=_=_ pregnant? z__=A=_=_=_=U=_=_= 'VET 11. Rhymes with B_=C____=_=_=_=_=_ ‘cantaloupe’ _=_=_=_=_=_=_=Z=_= 4EVX]PMOI7GEVPSXW 12. Not budgetary _=D___=_=_=_=_=_=_ (IJIRIWXVEXI 15. Bahama oppres- _=_=_=_=_=_=_=_=_= sion protection ;VMXIJSVXLI7GEVPIX society 32. COPACE isn’t 6. Not white, not bread 16. Name Jack Foley feeling well 8. Bookers without a has for his mus- 33. Aggressively selling home, kind of tache an alternative to 10. Gimme my $4 back! 18. Right after capitalism 11. Community activism cinnamon on the 34. Enlargement of the muppet spice rack pituitary 13. The only group You’re almost a clown. 19. Paced together 35. Sponsored 50¢ bong committed to not 20. Bullwinkle’s little hits in the Pub, once shaving the bunnies squirrel pal upon a time 14. The only group 23. Sharpen those ears, 36. A COPACE thing committed. (Listen to baby! I’ve never heard of 91.5 for details) Answers to last week’s 25. Anti-Spinoza 39. Another one. 17. For movies you don’t dictators 40. Ditto. understand at a price King Crossword 26. Four-letter word that’s hard to beat meaning hiberna- DOWN 19. Either yoga or water spinoza==spinoza tion 1. Not the African- gardening (defunct) p====a=s=p======27. They make great American Pupils 22. Try to act like a fish i=s==n=p=i=s==== pets Group 24. Jesus with aloe and n=p==y=i=n=p=s== 28. Zippy the 2. DeLUXe turtle lanolin o=i=s==n=o=i=p=s wondersnail 3. $40,000 and an IQ 30. Friends of animals, z=naps=o=z=n=i=p 30. 12-letter word that of 2 minus the A a=o=i==z=a=o=n=i rhymes with 5. The Latin cowboys 36. Whose community? ==z=n==a===z=o=n walrus association Whose development? ==a=o=s====a=z=o s===z=p=cat=katz p===a=i======a i=====n=c==cats= Bill,comeoverhere&see n=spinoza=====p= o=====z=t=====a= ifyoucanhelpmemakea z=====a==spinoza a=cat======reallystupidScarletAd. UpdatedCCNSchedule

Note: time they were seen together outside of SATURDAY Shows and their contents may not 9-11pm Sports This Week class. 3-4pm In the Public Eye: Date Rape & exist Why Clark has better sports than academic AIDS facilities. The extensive education Clark students MONDAY THURSDAY receive to prevent these all-too common 6:00-6:04pm. Viewpoints 11-1am This Old House 1-3pm The Flags and the Glory tragedies at college campuses. A retrospective look at the many contri- A retrospective of decorative excellence Twleve reasons why Clark’s flag deserves butions the University Park Partnership in Clark EMS’s permanent office space to fly with the top-rate schools in the din- 8-10pm Your Tuition At Work has made to the local community. over the past 20 years. ing hall.

9-10pm How’d They Do That? WEDNESDAY 5-6pm Sports Today SUNDAY This week, the Board of Trustees ex- 7-8pm Clark Policy of the Week The day’s golf highlights from the senior 1-3pm Clark Explorers plains how $1.4 million was spent to Leading fire-advocates explain the ratio- administrators. Six intrepid students try to figure out bring the president closer to campus with nale on why smoking is allowed in dorms why the fuck they came here. no change in his accessibility. but candles and incence are considered a 8-10pm Clark Introspective fire hazard. Find out who the hell the Provost is. 3-6pm What the Fuck? 10-11pm Clark History Hour Today’s guest panelists try to determine Administrators give their fond recollec- 8-10pm Clark Introspective what’s in their randomly-selected Bon tions of the many fine ways Dana Com- Find out what the hell a Provost does. FRIDAY Appetit meal, and where its name comes mons has been used over the last five 6-8pm What’s Brown and Sounds like a from. Guests: Sally Deutch, Brian years. 10-12am This Old House: (special fan- Bell? Cook, Harvey Gould. tasy edition) Selected ramblings from Clark promo- TUESDAY Watch Physical Plant jump to do some- tional and admissions material 6-9pm Through the Looking Glass 7:00-7:02pm Viewpoints thing for a student while the Administra- A staggering honest look at absolutely The Communications Department es- tion has to wait 6–8 months. 9:51-10pm University Activity Commit- anything from any official source at pouses the many benefits of the Envi- tee presents: A Tour of Vibrant Centers of Clark. ronmental School for the average 1-3am Good Times Student Activity undergrad. Students and faculty fondly recall the last See great places to hang out on campus! 18 • October 17, 1996 • The Scarlet

The Massachusetts Public Interest Research Group

~ and ~ T I S O

~ proudly announce ~ ~ as one bi-partisan voice ~ ~ united for the first time in 93 years ~ their offiicial endorsement for the 1996 Presidential race: JockotheDog of the Paws Across America party ~ Ask yourself ~ “Why wasn’t Jocko allowed to debate?” and get mad! Get even! Vote Jocko!

For more info, please write: Jocko PAA, Box 521 Hastings-on-Hudson, New York 10706

Foley mustache sketch by Jay Rasku

Classifieds Personals Abou Fall Fest by Josh Schiffer WANTED: Two brain cells to rub to- the Whom-to-Sue Section: gether. Contact the Psychology De- Top Ten by Amy Baranoski partment. New committee by John Spelman Goth fashion by Elsa Berendes SANITY 4 SALE: up 4 auction this Traina health update by Dave Saturday, to highest bidder (that with Bernstein Goth outfits by Rob Mohns, Forest the most pot) or JLEE1, should he Lee, Elsa Berendes accept me as his servant. I need to Lizard People update by Forest Lee lose my forky mind, and thus live for- Goth photography by Fred Orispaa ever... Contact PDunn Council Observer, Balcunas Log, EMT lawsuit, Emmy/Grammy, WB “American Gothic” idea by Jen BEER SWILLING, HEAVY SMOK- closes by Randy Mack Zatzkin ING GIRL who could kick my ass any old time, but won’t. Funky hair and Bastien portrait by Abby Logan Fire@Will articles by David Reed odd piercings a plus. Must be tall, well- muscled, beautiful, intelligent, smart- News Briefs by Amanda Reyna Fire@Will cast photo by Abby Logan assed, and willing to answer to the Crossword puzzles by Elsa Berendes nickname of “Tank Girl.” Own vehicle Poking Ghost death by Mike Schemaille a big plus. Copy Editing by Emily Gerard POSEUR BISEXUAL GOTH for vig- No-News News by Dirk Trachy orous anal fucking. Must supply own IDRISI scanning by Brendan Sheehan condoms and sedatives; rectal exam Mustache rampage by Bill Evans records required. Call “Dr.” Craig. Scanning by Brian Caruso, Bill Evans, Editorial by Zack Ordynans Rob Mohns, Randy Mack, Aidan BUYCONDOMIUMS WITH Reynolds LITTLE INTEREST!! Don’t care a Cartoon by Josh “Animal” Schiffer hoot about condominiums? Neither Mechanicals by Emily Gerard, Julian do we! That’s why you should spend Attack on SPOC by Forest Lee Jung, Elsa Berendes your money on us. We care as little IDRISI layout by W. Rob Mohns as you about our product. We have SPOC defense, Guns in UC by Dave Bernstein nothiung to lose, so we talk straight Layout by Aidan Reynolds and deal right. Call 1-(807)-331-1727 Spinoza’s I Believe by Josh Schiffer immediately. Editing by Randy Mack Chesley’s I Believe by Randy Mack SELL CRACK, EARN BIG $$$. Unwitting production assistance by Some straighthforward financial ad- IDRISI stories by Randy Mack, Fred Heather Leenders vice from Merryl-Lynch investment Orispaa, Bill Evans companies. Invaluable technical support by Bill IDRISI photography by Fred Orispaa Evans HOMEWORK FOR SALE— Already finished, in ink, with small doodlesin IDRISI research by Jody Gray Special thanks to the Radio Czars for margin. Asking $50 or best offer. Call deviant brilliance 1-(617)-882-8274 and ask for Melissa. Library landing photo by Brendan WritefortheScarletandlearn Sheehan “What’s the line item for bail money what’sgoingonintheiroffices again?” The Scarlet • October 17, 1996 • 19

The Official How to be GothicHandbook This handbook is separated into The Cure Food You Must Hide at the Back of Drugs to Avoid: sections of things one must own, or The Smiths Your Pantry: DayQuil at least like to be gothic. There are Siouxsie and the Banshees Carnation Instant Breakfast Rogaine also lists of things one may not like Sisters of Mercy Sprouts LSD or own. If you own any of that Skinny Puppy Macaroni and Cheese Tylenol stuff, throw it out, or hide it away Diamanda Galas Tofu Chewable Vitamins from your friends. If you like that Jesus and Mary Chain Crispy Bacon Crack stuff, change. McDonald’s Happy Meals Pot And remember, you may be Bands You May Like Without Pizza Vivarin gothic and not even know it. If you Getting Ostracized by your Peas XTC fall into these categories, you are Friends: Ice Cream Sundae’s Clearasil gothic and should immediately Charlatans U.K. Preparation H acquire the correct wardrobe. New Order 6) Drinks Nitrus Oxide Ministry 1) Authors: Modern English Drinks you May Order in 9) Names. The Proper name can Tom Waits Public: make or break you. Authors You Must Like and Be Depeche Mode Coke (in the blood red can) Able to Discuss Over Coffee: Specimen Brain Hemorrhage Gothic Names: Nancy Baker David Bowie Coffee - Black Lord Anne Rice Canister Red Wine Lady Sartre Pink Floyd Snakebite Mistress Nietzche (sp?) Violent Femmes Absinthe Bat-anything Edgar Allen Poe Bloody Mary Vamp-anything H.P. Lovecraft Bands People Will Take From Your Ether Any name with z’s or x’s in it. Marquis De Sade CD Rack and Hurl Off Your Porch Anything based on a band. Anais Nin During Parties: Drinks you May Order When Sitting Anything with the word Master in Charles Dickens They Might Be Giants At the Bar Alone: it except for Scout Master Lewis Carrol Phish White Wine Latin Genus names for Insects Goethe King Missile Pepsi spelled incorrectly Sylvia Plath Mariah Carey Sex on the Beach Lord Byron Bad Manners Light Beer Not Gothic Names: Percy Shelley Green Day Diet Soda (Let’s Face it. Diet Soda Bunny John Keats Weird Al Yankovich makes you look like a pussy.) Biff Emily Dickenson Megadeth Buffy Type O Negative 7) Careers. You’ve got to afford Harold. Authors Who’s Names Will Make Kriss Kross your bondage gear somehow: Everyone Glare at You Through Snoop Doggy Dogg 10) Movies: the Steam Rising Off of Their Creedence Clearwater Revival Jobs for Goths: Coffee: Ladysmith Black Mambazo Mortician Movies You Must See to Be Gothic: Dean Koontz Winger Undertaker The Hunger Stephen King The Grateful Dead Funeral Director Harold and Maude Carl Hiassen Abortion Doctor Everything Bela Lugosi Ever did, Fabio 3) Clothes are very important to Bouncer at an appropriate club including Bride of the Atom, and Rush Limbaugh true goths. Adjust your wardrobe Hermit Plan Nine From Outer Space. Danielle Steele accordingly Psychotic Loner Bite Heroine Dealer Leather Sex 2) Bands: Clothes to Wear: Poet This is the absolute most important Black Musician of the correct type Movies you must bitch about having section before dress. Not only must Lace Insurance Assessor wasted 7.50 on: you like these bands, but you must Velvet Undead Caddyshack be prepared to offer a complex Boots Police Academy excuse as to why you like these Big Hair (with funny colors) Jobs Goths Probably Shouldn’t Ski School bands when your underground Black Nail Polish Have: Debbie Does Dallas acquaintances challenge you, eyeliner designs Scout Master Deep Throat saying that they are “derivative rip- Crosses Fast Food Service offs of [insert underground band Ankhs Children’s Storyteller 11) TV: from the 70’s here].” Black lipstick TV Painter (Fluffy Little Clouds) Fangs Televangelist Television Shows you must have Bands You Must Like Whether You Aerobics Instructor seen at least once: Do or Not: Clothes not to Wear: Olympic Gold Medalist Forever Knight Bauhaus Pink Professional Lego Model Builder USA Up All Night Big Black Under-Roos (except for Batman MTV Dancer Kindred: The Embraced Joy Division and the Crow) CIA Assassin Nine Inch Nails (anything with Boy or Girl Scout uniform (unless Helicopter Pilot Television shows you must deny Trent Reznor in it) going to a fetish night) VH1 Veejay ever having watched: Christian Death (The Roz years Birkenstocks Morning Weatherman MST3K only) Adidas Pro Football Player Beavis and Butthead Dead Can Dance Tie-Dye MTV Jams Sleep Chamber Mickey Mouse Boxers 8) Drugs: MTV’s The Grind Denim Bow Ties (unless dressed as The Drugs to Seek: Authors of this long awaited text Phantom of the Opera for Prozac on How to be Gothic include For- Halloween) Lithium est Lee, Jennifer Kosloski, Brett Suspenders Ritalin Pasinella, John Spelman, and Argyle Heroine Brendan Sheehan. Forest Lee is Plaid Mescaline acting editor of the How to be Bell Bottoms Barbiturates Gothic handbook, and will take all Harley T-Shirts Levisin suggestions and corrections under Valium advisement. The Official How to 5) Food Robitussen be Gothic handbook was copy- NyQuil righted by the above persons some- Food you Can Order in Public: Speed time during 1995. Please keep in Anything with Blood in It Alcohol mind that this is an official text, Raw Meat Ephedrine and you must comply with all in- Sushi Quaaludes cluded advisements and rules to be Brains officially gothic. Really good Burritos That concludes the Guide. Happy gothing! 20 • October 17, 1996 • The Scarlet ClarkClark UniversityUniversity

CougarCougar SportsSports WOMEN’S SOCCER:

WOMEN’S TENNIS: 10/12 10/17

10/11-13 vs. Wheaton College vs. Connecticut College

10/17 Clark Upcoming Home Events. Rolex Tournament—For Location Call Clark Athletic Department at x7161 vs. Connecticut College

FIELD HOCKEY: vs. WPI 10/15 vs. Babson 10/19 vs. Mount Holyoke College 10/22

MEN’S SOCCER: vs. Western New England 10/17 vs. Norwich University 10/19 vs. Coast Guard Academy 10/23

SportsatClark?Whatfucking sportsatClark?Wehavenofoot- ball,notrack,nosoccer,nonoth- ing.Andme,afuckingawesome sportseditor,justoffmyhigh- schoolteamandthreejournal- ismclasses,andwhatdoIget?caption for under photo of Traina’s house Clark University’s Ding-Dong Ditching Team celebrated This?Fuckit.Fuckallofyou.Fuckits first season with a succesful rally at the 10th Annual Harrington Open. They scored a 9.3 and 7.9 overall, and Coach Radley was reportedly “pleased” with the outcome. thisschool.I’mgoinghome.YouThis year’s Ding-Dong Ditching team is, l ro r, Aidan Reynolds, Stephen J. Clegg, Randy Mack, Josh Schiffer wantsports?YOUDOIT!(Capt.), Kate Fink, J. Forest Lee.