The Signs’ Roommate Horror Stories by Celestial Mistress, Maiden, and Minion
Aries
Being off the meal plan is a wonderful, cost-effective perk of living off campus, unless your roommate is a die-hard pescatarian and lackluster dishwasher. Those flecks of burnt salmon really put the crispy into Aries’ homemade rice crispy treats!
Taurus
Taurus’ roommate is taking the NSO bonding crafts a little too seriously. Matching friendship bracelets were kinda cute, but DIY D-Hall napkin lingerie??
Gemini
Looked under their roommate’s bed to identify where the strange smell that had been following Gemini like a petulant musk, only to find dozens of filled to-go boxes shoved behind a lump of dirty laundry. They’re pretty sure they saw the mold stirring….
Cancer
Has a single but keeps hearing soft giggling at weird hours of the night … this twin XL is not big enough for Cancer and the not-so-friendly Haines ghost who has absolutely no regard for personal space.
Leo
Growing up as the youngest sibling made Leo sure they were ready for a roommate, and yet nothing could prepare them for Grinnell’s entrepreneurial forced-quad doubles. Twin bunk beds are NOT the look, especially when Leo’s 19 and can’t run to mommy and daddy’s room to escape the snores.
Virgo
Virgo thought they’d be okay with their roommate’s three emotional support lizards until learning they’d be accompanied by a small horde of constantly chirping crickets. At least they always have lo-fi hip-hop insect noises to study to :/
Libra
It’s rude to go through another’s belongings, Libra understands that, but in an act of desperation they went searching for a post-it and discovered the largest collection of pleasure paraphernalia they’d ever seen. Who knew their roommate has been operating SHIC out of a dorm on James 2nd this whole time?
Scorpio
Having a hookup always on hand is hot, but you know what isn’t hot? Arguing over the state of the food-spattered mini fridge post-coital. Tensions are rising and not the sexy kind.
Sagittarius
Sagittarius’ main goal this semester was to find love (and become a badass woman in STEM of course). Little did they know they’d be an outside observer to the cutest roommates-to- friends-to-lovers story unfolding under their own roof. Maybe they’re down for a throuple … Sagittarius could work with that.
Capricorn
Waking up in the middle of the night to a rhythmic squeaking noise. Capricorn is hoping for a rat infestation but has a sinking sensation that it’s more likely ancient bedsprings plus three weeks of pent-up lust between the roommate and their long-distance girlfriend.
Aquarius
Aquarius decided to try their luck parsing through the class of 2025 Facebook group for a roommate. Melanie seemed sweet enough from her post, but she really wasn’t kidding when she said she likes “The Office.” If they have to wake up to Steve Carell’s nasally cackle one more time, Melanie’s gonna find her “World’s Best Boss” mug hurtling off the Main 4th fire escape.
Pisces
A low-key spa night turned feral when Pisces’ roommate misjudged the vibe and brought along a ouija board and a baggy of shrooms to get everyone “in the right headspace.”
The Signs as Second Years Who Are Actually First Years by Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden and Celestial Minion
Aries
Spills chloroform during O-chem lab, forcing their entire class to evacuate Noyce. Guess they weren’t as much of a natural as they thought while reading the instructions via Blackboard last year.
Taurus
Tries to pay for their $70 Hometown Heroes bill with dining dollars. After finding out this is not the grill everyone’s been talking about, they attempt to barter with the medallion Anne Harris gifted them at the commencement stage last week. Sorry, Taurus, looks like rookie of the year is going to someone else.
Gemini
Both getting TikTok famous and doing a year of college from their childhood bedroom killed all of Gemini’s brain cells responsible for remembering libraries exist. After walking into Burling for the first time, they declare, “Wait … it’s so dark academia vibes in here…”
Cancer
Dedicating a week of early morning study seshes to solidify their regular status at Saints Rest only to get whiplash with the daily rotating cast of baristas. How many large iced raspberry steamers with soy no cinnamon does Cancer have to order before they walk in with one ready at the counter?
Leo
Boldly asked their groupmate what their class year was, expecting to have found their own personal “babie freshie” only to garner the response “um… I’m a fourth year.”
Virgo
What does Virgo get for staying up the entire night before tour guide training memorizing the campus layout? Cussed out by a fourth year for shouting to a gaggle of first years that we call the JRC “the Joe.”
Libra
Desperate to be indie and edgy, Libra found a new hidden hangout after picking the lock to that cool-lookin’ blue building by Cowles. This gym would be so fun to dance in, why doesn’t anyone throw a party here??
Scorpio
Walking into their anthropology advisor’s office was a real shock for Scorpio when they realized the WebEx camera really does add ten years. Sagittarius
Sagittarius has been getting dinner in to-go boxes every night – not for Covid safety reasons, of course, but strictly to feel the S1 nostalgia of garlic tofu inflected with notes of disposable plastic.
Capricorn
Arriving late to the first day of POL-111: Intro to Political Science in the Humanities and Social Studies Center after rushing out of Martha Cleveland Hall with wet hair, stopping by the Joe Rosenfield Center for a cortado at the Spencer Grill. Maybe they’d get their quicker if they didn’t run out of breath every time they had to say a location, why doesn’t anyone at this school use damn acronyms?
Aquarius
Frantically rummaging through the closet looking for their best cowgirl-meets-soft-pretzel-enthusiast fit that won’t clash in the Ferris wheel lighting to no avail. Excuse you if they want to dress to impress – the party IS at the county fairgrounds, right???
Pisces
Still dating tutorial bae, but we’ll see if this relationship can make it past the one-year anniversary Dari Barn date … The ASMR flirty voice is more creepy than cute off Discord. The Signs’ most memorable day of summer 2021
By Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden and Celestial Minion
Aries
July 22, 2021: Blowing the last of their MAP stipend on a Bikes To You shopping spree. Fingerless gloves, a helmet with a headlamp, a pair of those shorts with padding on the butt so your booty doesn’t hurt and a hot pink 10-speed. Personality traits CAN be bought, folks!
Taurus
July 16, 2021: Started off their solo backpacking fantasy with an assertive day trip along the Appalachian Trail. What began as stalwart confidence quickly dwindled to full-blown panic three hours in without even a cellphone tower in sight to signal humanity’s presence. Alas, hope returned in the form of a cheerful Minnesotan family all too willing to offer elaborate directions and a nourishing handful of Chex Mix. Gemini
June 12, 2021: Hometown bar-hopping with the high school besties on Gemini’s 21st birthday turned into quite the celebration. Dingy dive bar lighting looked GOOD on your sophomore year lab partner making eyes at you across the room while dipping his onion ring in a vat of ranch. Gemini always thought he might be bicurious, but it looks like they finally get to put that hypothesis to the test…
Cancer
August 15, 2021: Today’s the day Cancer turned their life around, their come to Jesus moment, or maybe come to Megan … They redownloaded Tinder, cut all their t-shirts into crop tops and winked at the hottie stacking cans of maize at the grocery store. It’s never too late for a #hotgirlsummer.
Leo
July 3, 2021: Road tripping to Florida sounded like a fun midnight idea, until Aries’ beat up Toyota broke down an hour outside of town. The tow truck dragged the car over to Riverside, Iowa where (fun fact!) Captain Kirk will be born a couple hundred years from now … Can’t say it made up for their vision of a margarita on the seaside.
Virgo
July 10, 2021: Showed up to the farmer’s market with a woven straw bag in hand, wide- brimmed hat secured with a ribbon under the chin and a hankering for a cheddar-leek scone – a compliment from a stranger on their hand-stitched linen apron was the cherry on top for Virgo, who’s finally living out the provincial lifestyle they’d always dreamed of. Libra
August 13, 2021: An afternoon in Charleston during their bookshop-hopping road trip along the Eastern Seaboard went from picturesque to scary when a shadowy figure emerged from between the stacks brandishing a dusty copy of “War and Peace” and a piercing gaze. If Libra’s life was to take a turn into the plot of any Netflix Original, “You” would not have been their first choice.
Scorpio
August 2, 2021: A furtive glance while grappling for a tube in the lazy river line, the slippery brush of a foot in the wave pool … A last-minute trip to the aquatic family wonderland of the Wisconsin Dells has become what were undoubtedly the hottest three days of Scorpio’s life.
Sagittarius
July 23, 2021: Sagittarius swore they would do nothing but read books, get drunk and look hot. And so, they’ve made it a mission to visit every coffee shop within a five-mile radius, and on this lovely Friday morning, Sagittarius finally got their meet-cute. I mean, the way that barista just said hello … are they going to kiss right now?
Capricorn
June 8, 2021: Arrived at their summer camp counselor gig eager to develop the skills required for their dream job as a preschool teacher. Watching a kid down two consecutive tubs of Colorations non-toxic paint before 9 a.m. on a Tuesday has got Capricorn rethinking their projected career path. Aquarius
June 1, 2021: First day on the job as your hometown’s hot new barista and things could not have gone worse. Several steamed milk mishaps later and Pisces is starting to wonder whether listing the Grille as work experience was really the way to go. Café Bustelo’s cortadito ain’t got nothing on this honey lavender latte.
Pisces
August 9, 2021: Forming a casual volleyball league with the third years living in a house across the street seemed like a great way to enjoy some healthful time outdoors while making lifelong friends in the process. After today’s game though, Aquarius isn’t going to plan a friendship bracelet braiding session anytime soon. They promise they weren’t aiming for her face, but apparently Aquarius’s spike game is just too good for the minor leagues. The Signs just got vaccinated!
By Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden and Celestial Minion
Aries
Sparring with their weird antivax cousin over Instagram DMs after getting a little too trigger happy with the post-vax story selfies – consequently curating a Close Friends list solely based on their followers’ likelihood to suspect they now have a microchip in their arm.
Taurus
Protection from an infectious disease isn’t too shabby a birthday present, but this seriously wasn’t the type of headache they planned on having the morning after their 21st.
Gemini
Brandishing their “I Got the Vaccination!” sticker harder than an “I Voted” sticker in a swing-state.
Cancer
Eagerly waiting two weeks to give all of their (fellow vaccinated) friends a little platonic smooch and then spooning them while crying tears of joy because physical touch is their love language, okay?
Leo
Purposefully cleared their schedule for the 48 hours following their second dose in expectation of the oncoming storm sure to rack their immune system only to make it through without so much as a headache – the definition of being built different.
Virgo
Taking the shot like a champ but then spending the rest of the day calling out literally anyone who posts unmasked photos with something to the effect of “Yikes…Not a good look…JUST because you got vaccinated does NOT mean that you have immunity or protection from COVID-19!” You’re signaling a little more than virtue, sweaty.
Libra
Milking the side effects for all they’re worth in hopes that their roommates will take a hint and serve them a delicious breakfast in bed, but only getting a completely crushed Nature Valley bar lobbed at them from the doorway. Maybe this fever isn’t too bad after all…
Scorpio
Immediately included a shot of their vaccination card as one of their pics on Tinder. “I say, if you’ve got it – flaunt it.”
Sagittarius
Bragging to anyone who will listen that they got the vaccination back in February. Yes, your nicotine addiction came in handy this time, but enjoy the view while you’re up there because that high horse you’re riding won’t hold you for long.
Capricorn
Over-analyzing the intimate moment when the woman who administered their vaccine placed the Band-Aid on their arm and they felt their pulse quicken – did her fingers linger?
Aquarius
Their love for sleuthing aside – trying to figure out who’s got the vax and who’s just an anti-masker has given Aquarius a bitch of a tension headache.
Pisces
Just sobbing and shaking uncontrollably.
The Signs as MAPs
By Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden and Celestial Minion
Aries
Theatrical Clowning: A Portal to Emotion and Gaslighting in the Round Taurus
Pee–wee Herman-eutics: A New Interpretation of 1980s American Children’s Television
Gemini
The Quantum Realm: Why the Physics in Marvel Movies Makes No Sense
Cancer
Plant Mythology: The Science Behind the Personification of Nature
Leo
90s Horror: Theatre and Dance in the Occult
Virgo
BananabaBio-Power: Minions and the Foucaultian Panopticon in “Despicable Me”
Libra
Astrological Destinies: How to Actually Write Horoscopes
Scorpio
Hormones, Pheromones and Fake Moans: The Chemistry of Sex
Sagittarius
Phalluses, Fallacies: Siege Weaponry of the Early Modern Period
Capricorn
Pretty Little Liars: The Physiological Aesthetics of Post- Truth Politics
Aquarius
HomoNeoliberal Loco-Motives: The Foundations of Critical Buttigieg Studies
Pisces
Squirrelly Anthropomorphisms: Rodents in Iowan Imagery and Folklore
The Signs As Oddly Specific Fragrances
By Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden and Celestial Minion
Aries
“The Harris Afterparty”: The horrendous but nostalgic combination of jungle juice, cigarette ash from the last 50 years and the joy of finally getting control of the aux.
Taurus
“Dish Line Darling”: The lush smell of the Dining Hall dish room, spiced with notes of soap and the Nutella-smeared sausage clinging stubbornly to the trough.
Gemini
“The Cleve Whiff”: A provocative blend of burnt popcorn, loggia brick and … is that a skunk I smell?
Cancer
“Burling Breakdown”: The salt of all your wasted tears mixed with the comforting must of the old fourth-floor hardcovers.
Leo
“Hot Girl Shit”: Mint, lime and white rum baby!
Virgo
“Know it All”: The overt scent of fresh East Campus laundry and streaks of Sharpie wafting from The S&B articles you edited to shreds two nights before.
Libra
“The Flirt”: Jasmine dabbed on your neck and inner wrists transported in a bout of tactful touching during the work hour.
Scorpio
“The Hangover”: The strange but effective concoction of piping hot menudo, Powerade and buttery pancakes.
Sagittarius
“New Year’s Eve”: Champagne, strawberries and cherry lip gloss already smeared on the mouth of your midnight kiss.
Capricorn
“Post-Scrimmage Supper”: The rich tang of sweat dripping down your back and drying in the waistband of your sweatpants.
Aquarius
“When the Failure is Fresh”: The musk of mothballs and flakes of dried skin floating through the afternoon light to gently land on the artificial plasticky traces of your woven Ikea rug.
Pisces
“Going Home”: A misty spring rain shower with hints of car exhaust.
The Signs entertaining themselves in the town of Grinnell on your average Saturday morning
By Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden and Celestial Minion
Aries
Walking all the way down the bike path, past the high school and the abandoned fields before befriending a group of horses. They’ll have to shower when they get home; they vaguely smell of manure.
Taurus
Trying on gowns at First Look Bridal Boutique, not a romantic partner in sight but full of hopes for that ring by spring.
Gemini
Heading over to Dari Barn for a cool and sweet treat sounds like the perfect pick-me-up on this warm Saturday, but taking so goddamn long to eventually just decide on a mini vanilla sundae with cheesecake bites means their friends have already started walking back to campus, leaving them in the dust. This pick-me-up has turned into a serious drag-me-down.
Cancer
Choreographing an interpretive dance in Central Park to the symphonic musical stylings of the bird noise machine.
Leo
Strolling over to Saints Rest with a stuffed backpack, including their organic chemistry binder, their Roman history reading and of course, a little Octavia Butler, because they will not be doing homework.
Virgo
Waking up at the crack of dawn to get the first pick at Grin City Bakery. You won’t catch a Virgo expecting there will be Buttermilk Bars left at noon!
Libra
Ending senior year with a bang by single-handedly reviving South Campus’ most holy tradition: Alice. You’ll find them splayed on fresh grass, arguing with passersby that yes, they have now gained the ability to look directly into the sun. It only takes one to dig a rabbit hole!
Scorpio
Ready to stunt on all the middle schoolers at the Grinnell Mutual Family Aquatic Center in the new monokini they snatched from last year’s dorm dive.
Sagittarius
Going to the skatepark to dust off their Walmart-brand board but getting too intimidated by the horde of seventh graders pulling tricks on the half-pipe. Just keep walking – past the park and around the block. Walking with a skateboard is just as cool as riding one, right?
Capricorn
Enjoying the sunshine during a picnic with friends atop the hill at Ahrens Park trying to ignore the intrusive thoughts reminding them of the last four Tinder dates they brought to this very spot.
Aquarius
Cooing and shaking a handful of sunflower seeds on the Burling balcony, but there’s not a vaccinated squirrel in sight … @grinnellcollegelibraries needs to answer for this.
Pisces
Speed-reading Made for Love on the fire escape between Loose and Read before their HBO Max free trial runs out, dodging cigarette butts dropping from the third-floor landing.
The Signs as Spring Breakers 2012
By Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden and Celestial Minion
Aries
Unknowingly beginning their career as a drug mule driving over the border from Tijuana with a unicorn pinata they found at a party – the perfect souvenir to commemorate a week of unbridled debauchery.
Taurus
Browsing Pinterest on their iPhone 4S to find Duck Tape™ dress patterns that will really spice up their Effie Trinket costume for the midnight premiere of “The Hunger Games.”
Gemini
Sitting in the passenger seat of a Jeep in Omaha, Nebraska, bumping Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO while on their way to their externship at Blue Cross Blue Shield with their new alumni friend Eric.
Cancer
With a week of repose ahead, why not crack open Rick Riordan’s masterpiece, “Heroes of Olympus: The Mark of Athena?” Just hope the ending isn’t too much of a cliffhanger – waiting until October 2013 for the next installment sounds like absolute torture.
Leo
Slightly disappointed that the gorgeous mountain road trip views in Utah have been smothered by literally hundreds of “Romney 2012” signs every mile.
Virgo
Just can’t decide between their favorite YouTube collabs this week, but ithas to be either Zoella and SprinkleofGlitter’s Best Friend Tag OR Tyler Oakley’s “Twin Twinks Learn Gay Slang” video withJacksGap .
Libra
Spring break presents the perfect opportunity for an aesthetic makeover. Beanie? On. Jeans? Skinny. Posts about “the game?” Reblogged on Tumblr. Mustache? Tatted on the inside of your pointer finger. The Lumineers? Streaming on Pandora.
Scorpio
Now that their English midterms are done, Scorpio can settle down with a copy of this new book called “Fifty Shades of Gray” they just got from the book shop (it sounds kinda hot!!?).
Sagittarius
After doing a deep dive into the logic behind the Mayan Calendar predicting doomsday, Sagittarius has decided to elope with their two-month lover before building a barricade to grow old together in.
Capricorn
Defending “The Walking Dead” to their last breath in a “Don’t Talk to Me Unless You’re Daryl Dixon” graphic tee because actually they’re called walkers and it’s more than just a show it’s the modern zombie zeitgeist so get on board or go back to “Grey’s Anatomy” – talk about a show with an unsustainable narrative!
Aquarius
Although Miami was meant to bring back Aquarius’s tan, the weather has decreed that they will keep their post–Midwestern winter pale complexion. At least they have Just Dance 2 to keep them entertained in the hotel room.
Pisces
Channeling their best indie-cool-girl-post-Harry-Potter Emma Watson impression from “Perks of Being a Wallflower,” driving through the I-70 tunnel in Denver, Colorado.
The Signs at a Middle School Slumber Party by Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden, and Celestial Minion
Aries
Leo’s mom (a Taurus, of course) just brought in the Cheez-It snack packs and cups of SunnyD. Good thing Aries brought the half-empty bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade they’ve been holding on to since their sister’s sweet16 to really get this party starteddd.
Taurus
Is passed the fuck out on the couch despite how much noise everyone else is making. Nothing, not even the end of the world, could wake up Taurus, except for maybe the vaguely demonic chanting in the bathroom. (Don’t worry, they’ll make up for it in paralyzed silence while lying in their sleeping bag from 4:30 to 7:00 a.m.)
Gemini
Is locked in the bathroom frantically soaking up their piss from the floor with paper towels. This was not their first Bloody Mary experience – but did anyone else see the lights totally flicker?!
Cancer
Streaming “The Woman in Black,” (2012) starring Daniel Radcliffe succeeded in providing inspiration for Cancer’s short king fanfic, but it also has them holding onto their tattered, one-antennae ladybug Pillow Pet for dear life all night long.
Leo
Just wanted everyone to come over for skin care and a scary movie, and now Libra’s literally in an ambulance, Taurus fell asleep at 9 p.m., Sagittarius is tipsy and Cancer refuses to sit with the lights off.
Virgo
Helping Leo’s mom figure out the fuse box after a curling iron mishap during their “drag queen makeover” upstairs resulted in a neighborhood-wide power outage.
Libra
Is moaning on the trampoline, flip cam in hand, after a creative vision for a slomo cartwheel shot in the chorus of their “I Got A Feeling” music video resulted in nothing but a broken collarbone.
Scorpio
Refused to change into their p.j.s because Leo said their older brother was on his way home from lacrosse practice and Scorpio has been saving this Roxy tank top and Hollister mini skirt set for just such an occasion.
Sagittarius
Really wants to play Never Have I Ever but no one else is down. How else will people find out about that time last summer when Sagittarius bumped into Jason Wheeler during a game of Marco Polo and he was totally hard?!
Capricorn
It’s that time of the night – Capricorn has pulled out their furry cat ear headband and is communicating strictly in meows, purrs and hisses.
Aquarius
Is walking around with headphones plugged into their iPod Touch filled to the brim with indie music they think makes them “edgy.” Despite their need to mope, they can’t help but smile at Cancer’s ladybug Pillow Pet.
Pisces
Really, really, really wants to go home but they’ve used up all of their mom’s no-questions-asked-I’ll-pick-you-up-at-any- time-of-the-night passes after last year’s bar mitzvah season. This is going to be a long night.
The Signs’ Tinder Bios
By Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden and Celestial Minion
Aries
I’m not saying that I’ll be a better option than the last guy on here, but did he casually invest stocks in GameStop when he was thirteen and is now living it up on a yacht like Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street? No? Is that the kind of guy you’re looking for? Honestly, I hope not because all I’ve got is a Pizza Hut coupon for half-off a two-topping medium pie but if we both learn to lower our expectations…I think we could make it work.
Taurus
Tell me your plans for #NationalPoundCakeDay send nudes and i’ll donate to a bail fund <3 #acab #VersTop
Gemini
Just a sweet sexy couple looking for our third Cancer
Just your average Hufflepuff looking for the right one to Slytherin it’s a love story baby…just swipe right
Leo
I’m not saying I’m a s*gar b*by but if you’re a doting daddy swipe right
Virgo
Reading philosophy books to trick people into thinking I’m smart, but doing it ironically so they know I’m not, like, weird about it
Libra
Heads up, there’s a reason I’m here and not on Hinge
Scorpio
I’m so sick of this shit tbh
Sagittarius
8’7” if that matters
People tell me I look like Jim from The Office haha do you know that show?
I’m a simple man, I see a dog, I swipe right
Capricorn
If you’re lactose intolerant but still eat cheese you’re the right type of nihilistic for me. Don’t swipe right if you’re not gonna start a conversation
Aquarius
Letterboxd is linked below if you want to check out my recent review of Pulp Fiction, hint – Tarantino’s magnum opus
Pisces
Let’s watch old reruns of The Voice while making macarons and streaming Alt-J at your local library
The Signs as Independent Majors
By Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden, Celestial Minion
Aries
LSAT Test Prep Taurus
Dystopian Young Adult Literature
Gemini
Astrology
Cancer
Witchcraft with a concentration in Herbal Remedies
Leo
The Age of the Ankle Boot: Modern Fashion Design
Virgo
Racquetball
Libra
The Lamb of Wall Street: Ethical Hedge Fund Management
Scorpio
Sex Therapy
Sagittarius
Column, Cornice and Cupola: Creative Corporate Architecture
Capricorn
Microblogging
Aquarius
Spreading God’s Word Pisces
“The Fetal Position”: Postcoital Cuddling
Signs as the First Years on Campus for the First Time
By Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden and Celestial Minion
Aries
You’ve spent too many afternoons staring longingly through the front windows of Burling, palms pressed to the glass, a single tear falling to your cheek – cursing fate for keeping the jungle gyms just out of sight but never out of mind.
Taurus
Bummer your scurry absolutely blows, but you’vegotta stop with the wistful glances at the hordes of Loose kids flaunting the hottest “#1 Grandpa” sweatshirts Second Mile had to offer. What did you expect when you joined the “Dungeons and Drag- CORNs!” Discord last August? Gemini
Weep not over your plastic bag of Iowa Ham Balls, sweet child. You got your pretty penny’s worth when you skipped your tour for the stir fry line on Admitted Student Day.
Cancer
Every Cancer loves the warm feeling of a freshly decorated room. But maybe hold off printing every photo you’ve ever taken to put on your new dorm room wall? I promise you’re the only one who thinks that blurry photo of your friend is funny.
Leo
No one blames you for trauma bonding with a cutie from Tutorial, developing a toxically co-dependent relationship online and only coming face-to-face with them on your two- month-anniversary; if we were the only two people left on Earth, I’d let you take my quarantine virginity.
Virgo
Congratulations on being the nail in the coffin of Grinnell’s institutional memory! To ease your disappointment at the lack of Grinnell culture, dumpster dive through Facebook search results for “self gov” to learn that it maybe never existed in the first place.
Libra
Your second-year neighbor is one more music-blasting night away from knocking on your door and telling you to fuck off. No one else needs to hear you process your high school love life to early 2010’s pop music. Scorpio
Dutifully doing your research to find creative sex positions that reduce close face-to-face contact – respect the grind (especially because it’s not taking place against a wall in Harris.)
Sagittarius
While your mom might look furious as she’s forced to retrace the nine-hour route back home just six days after you arrived on campus and decided you deserved the “authentic” college experience, take solace in the belief that she’s probably just really disappointed.
Capricorn
It’s common knowledge that you tend to love the “serious types”, but that does not mean you should virtually seduce your young professor. It’s just their Zoom lighting that makes them “magnetic.”
Aquarius
Campus not everything you imagined after doom scrolling through TikTok under that one Vampire Weekend sound? Sorry hun, but this ain’t the East Coast! The only Greco–Roman thing you’ll find around here is that intended econ major in Classics 248 – talk about Adonis.
Pisces
Isolation was rough on you, Pisces. Ask your scurry to bake with you! Who knows, maybe the guy down the hall who looks like a young Keanu Reeves could give you something to spice up Nana’s ol’ brownie recipe.