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The Signs As Maps,The Signs As Oddly Speci The Signs’ Roommate Horror Stories by Celestial Mistress, Maiden, and Minion Aries Being off the meal plan is a wonderful, cost-effective perk of living off campus, unless your roommate is a die-hard pescatarian and lackluster dishwasher. Those flecks of burnt salmon really put the crispy into Aries’ homemade rice crispy treats! Taurus Taurus’ roommate is taking the NSO bonding crafts a little too seriously. Matching friendship bracelets were kinda cute, but DIY D-Hall napkin lingerie?? Gemini Looked under their roommate’s bed to identify where the strange smell that had been following Gemini like a petulant musk, only to find dozens of filled to-go boxes shoved behind a lump of dirty laundry. They’re pretty sure they saw the mold stirring…. Cancer Has a single but keeps hearing soft giggling at weird hours of the night … this twin XL is not big enough for Cancer and the not-so-friendly Haines ghost who has absolutely no regard for personal space. Leo Growing up as the youngest sibling made Leo sure they were ready for a roommate, and yet nothing could prepare them for Grinnell’s entrepreneurial forced-quad doubles. Twin bunk beds are NOT the look, especially when Leo’s 19 and can’t run to mommy and daddy’s room to escape the snores. Virgo Virgo thought they’d be okay with their roommate’s three emotional support lizards until learning they’d be accompanied by a small horde of constantly chirping crickets. At least they always have lo-fi hip-hop insect noises to study to :/ Libra It’s rude to go through another’s belongings, Libra understands that, but in an act of desperation they went searching for a post-it and discovered the largest collection of pleasure paraphernalia they’d ever seen. Who knew their roommate has been operating SHIC out of a dorm on James 2nd this whole time? Scorpio Having a hookup always on hand is hot, but you know what isn’t hot? Arguing over the state of the food-spattered mini fridge post-coital. Tensions are rising and not the sexy kind. Sagittarius Sagittarius’ main goal this semester was to find love (and become a badass woman in STEM of course). Little did they know they’d be an outside observer to the cutest roommates-to- friends-to-lovers story unfolding under their own roof. Maybe they’re down for a throuple … Sagittarius could work with that. Capricorn Waking up in the middle of the night to a rhythmic squeaking noise. Capricorn is hoping for a rat infestation but has a sinking sensation that it’s more likely ancient bedsprings plus three weeks of pent-up lust between the roommate and their long-distance girlfriend. Aquarius Aquarius decided to try their luck parsing through the class of 2025 Facebook group for a roommate. Melanie seemed sweet enough from her post, but she really wasn’t kidding when she said she likes “The Office.” If they have to wake up to Steve Carell’s nasally cackle one more time, Melanie’s gonna find her “World’s Best Boss” mug hurtling off the Main 4th fire escape. Pisces A low-key spa night turned feral when Pisces’ roommate misjudged the vibe and brought along a ouija board and a baggy of shrooms to get everyone “in the right headspace.” The Signs as Second Years Who Are Actually First Years by Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden and Celestial Minion Aries Spills chloroform during O-chem lab, forcing their entire class to evacuate Noyce. Guess they weren’t as much of a natural as they thought while reading the instructions via Blackboard last year. Taurus Tries to pay for their $70 Hometown Heroes bill with dining dollars. After finding out this is not the grill everyone’s been talking about, they attempt to barter with the medallion Anne Harris gifted them at the commencement stage last week. Sorry, Taurus, looks like rookie of the year is going to someone else. Gemini Both getting TikTok famous and doing a year of college from their childhood bedroom killed all of Gemini’s brain cells responsible for remembering libraries exist. After walking into Burling for the first time, they declare, “Wait … it’s so dark academia vibes in here…” Cancer Dedicating a week of early morning study seshes to solidify their regular status at Saints Rest only to get whiplash with the daily rotating cast of baristas. How many large iced raspberry steamers with soy no cinnamon does Cancer have to order before they walk in with one ready at the counter? Leo Boldly asked their groupmate what their class year was, expecting to have found their own personal “babie freshie” only to garner the response “um… I’m a fourth year.” Virgo What does Virgo get for staying up the entire night before tour guide training memorizing the campus layout? Cussed out by a fourth year for shouting to a gaggle of first years that we call the JRC “the Joe.” Libra Desperate to be indie and edgy, Libra found a new hidden hangout after picking the lock to that cool-lookin’ blue building by Cowles. This gym would be so fun to dance in, why doesn’t anyone throw a party here?? Scorpio Walking into their anthropology advisor’s office was a real shock for Scorpio when they realized the WebEx camera really does add ten years. Sagittarius Sagittarius has been getting dinner in to-go boxes every night – not for Covid safety reasons, of course, but strictly to feel the S1 nostalgia of garlic tofu inflected with notes of disposable plastic. Capricorn Arriving late to the first day of POL-111: Intro to Political Science in the Humanities and Social Studies Center after rushing out of Martha Cleveland Hall with wet hair, stopping by the Joe Rosenfield Center for a cortado at the Spencer Grill. Maybe they’d get their quicker if they didn’t run out of breath every time they had to say a location, why doesn’t anyone at this school use damn acronyms? Aquarius Frantically rummaging through the closet looking for their best cowgirl-meets-soft-pretzel-enthusiast fit that won’t clash in the Ferris wheel lighting to no avail. Excuse you if they want to dress to impress – the party IS at the county fairgrounds, right??? Pisces Still dating tutorial bae, but we’ll see if this relationship can make it past the one-year anniversary Dari Barn date … The ASMR flirty voice is more creepy than cute off Discord. The Signs’ most memorable day of summer 2021 By Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden and Celestial Minion Aries July 22, 2021: Blowing the last of their MAP stipend on a Bikes To You shopping spree. Fingerless gloves, a helmet with a headlamp, a pair of those shorts with padding on the butt so your booty doesn’t hurt and a hot pink 10-speed. Personality traits CAN be bought, folks! Taurus July 16, 2021: Started off their solo backpacking fantasy with an assertive day trip along the Appalachian Trail. What began as stalwart confidence quickly dwindled to full-blown panic three hours in without even a cellphone tower in sight to signal humanity’s presence. Alas, hope returned in the form of a cheerful Minnesotan family all too willing to offer elaborate directions and a nourishing handful of Chex Mix. Gemini June 12, 2021: Hometown bar-hopping with the high school besties on Gemini’s 21st birthday turned into quite the celebration. Dingy dive bar lighting looked GOOD on your sophomore year lab partner making eyes at you across the room while dipping his onion ring in a vat of ranch. Gemini always thought he might be bicurious, but it looks like they finally get to put that hypothesis to the test… Cancer August 15, 2021: Today’s the day Cancer turned their life around, their come to Jesus moment, or maybe come to Megan … They redownloaded Tinder, cut all their t-shirts into crop tops and winked at the hottie stacking cans of maize at the grocery store. It’s never too late for a #hotgirlsummer. Leo July 3, 2021: Road tripping to Florida sounded like a fun midnight idea, until Aries’ beat up Toyota broke down an hour outside of town. The tow truck dragged the car over to Riverside, Iowa where (fun fact!) Captain Kirk will be born a couple hundred years from now … Can’t say it made up for their vision of a margarita on the seaside. Virgo July 10, 2021: Showed up to the farmer’s market with a woven straw bag in hand, wide- brimmed hat secured with a ribbon under the chin and a hankering for a cheddar-leek scone – a compliment from a stranger on their hand-stitched linen apron was the cherry on top for Virgo, who’s finally living out the provincial lifestyle they’d always dreamed of. Libra August 13, 2021: An afternoon in Charleston during their bookshop-hopping road trip along the Eastern Seaboard went from picturesque to scary when a shadowy figure emerged from between the stacks brandishing a dusty copy of “War and Peace” and a piercing gaze. If Libra’s life was to take a turn into the plot of any Netflix Original, “You” would not have been their first choice. Scorpio August 2, 2021: A furtive glance while grappling for a tube in the lazy river line, the slippery brush of a foot in the wave pool … A last-minute trip to the aquatic family wonderland of the Wisconsin Dells has become what were undoubtedly the hottest three days of Scorpio’s life.
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