Office of Student Affairs
2007-2-01
A Modest Proposal, vol. 4, no. 4
Jonathan Coker, et al.
© 2008 A Modest Proposal
Find more information about this article here. This document has been made available for free and open access by the Eugene McDermott Library. Contact [email protected] for further information. T H E ----. ALTERNAT I VE UTD STUDENT
Romney: Give the Mormon a Chance page 16 . Huckabee: Why Hes a Vote for Theocracy page 17
w Oo Girls, Girlst Girls Writers Strike Back Rt'Si lbt1TIS ol.V7 Vl _J Vl Everyone loves a joke about women, don't they? The aims and consequences of the Writers' Guild strike The fruits of one of the strongest years in memory <:Z page 7 page 14 page 12
F EBRUARY 2008 • V OLUME 4 ISSUE 4 • AMP . UTDALLAS.EDU 2 CoNTENTS fEBRUARY 2008 • VoLUME 4 • IssuE 4
AR TS & L EISURE In 1his Issue. • • II The Return 0f Rock Band Music game promises to lower GPAs CAMPUS LIFE BY LAURA MILLER Avoid the Ticket 12 The Top Ten Albums o£2007 3 How to run a student government Th.is was one of the strongest years in memory. campaign while avoiding party politics BY JORDAN YOUNGBLOOD BY BEN DOWER Writers Strike Back Putting the Green in 4 Orange and Green Writer's Guild act has serious aims and consequences BY ALEX GARCIA TOPETE How you can help make campus greener BY SAMIA HOSSAIN Things That'll Be Great in 2008 Seats ofAuthority Or, at least, have the potentiaL 5 BY DAVID O'NEILL speak up at sometimes To UTD, AND JENNIFER BUDD you just need to sit down BY CHARLIE CLIFF GLOBAL P OLITICS SOCIAL C OMMENTARY Give the Mormon a Chance Experience, not religion, should be the driving factor 6 Death Sentences BY BENEDICT VOlT When decent. English is Greek to everyone, things are bad 17 I Don't Heart Huckabee BY HANNAH FRANK Why a vote for Huckabee is a vote for theocracy Girls, Girls, Girls! BY RICHARD BADGETT 7 Everyone loves a joke about women ... don't they? SHAMELESS FR IVOLITY BY STEPHANIE SHASTEEN 'Taurs-R-Us 8 A Shock to the System Who would win in a fight-centaur or minotaur? WhyTASERs are more of a threat We asked the experts. than we'd like to think BY MAC HIRD BY JONATHAN COKER AND KEVIN TYDLACKA The Harmless Homeless Black & White 9 Innovative artist raises questions The internet is discussed. about societal structure BY LUKE MCKENZIE BY KIMBERLY ALLEN P UZZLES & GAM ES IO The 87 Days of Christmas Celebrating Jesus' birthday 20 Puzzles Page takes almost an eternity now BY ALEX PALMER 22 The Uranus C A M P U S ~_.__·l...... L.I -1--E ...... __E _ ____ 3 Avoiding the Ticket For the Student Government election, decline the party invitation
job and/or will attract numerous voters. With that in mind, the following is a but you also need them to help you flier, New candidates who have taken the suggested how-to guide for anyone who tell their classmates to vote for you, and initiative to join Student Government are is considering running. Hopefully this campaign for you actively during voting often divided between parties based on will help empower and encourage people time. If there's genuine connection there, who hears about and contacts them first. to break the nasty party tradition and go you make the job much easier. by ben dower Most discouraging, party divides are stag this election season. 3. Appeal to your constituents. [email protected] virtually meaningless after the election 1. Pick your issues. Find problems Whether it's people in the same club as is over. Everyone forgets party loyalties that people card about. Whether it's you, the same beliefs, or just people with I have high hopes this year for the because the strongest bind holding advising for a certain major, increasing the same major, target specific groups and Student Government elections. We parties together is the convenience of the Student Union hours, or making sure tailor your message to their interests. If have had a great year of achievements in your. major has particularly bad advising 2007, from the release of the DART pass for example, figure out a way to improve and UTD Shuttle Bus to the first annual i i -For all their uses, party politics have always that system and make it a key point of Know Your Rights Day. Hopefully, your campaign. these accomplishments will attract more been the scourge of a fair and f~iendly election 4. Advertise in advance. IdentifY what student interest to the role SG plays on makes you qualified and then turn it into campus and encourage active involvement at UT Dallas. .'' a slogan. Try to find something that when filing starts. Yet, before you begin will set you apart but not so complicated in earnest on your campaign efforts, I'd vote gathering. Once that desire is gone, that road construction is better advertised that it makes for a bad tagline. Putting like to offer a few words on the process parties dissolve, only to be resurrected in the future, try to pick something that's out ruers helps, but don't do it too much here at UTD. during the next election. within a reasonable scope. Don't make or you'll become equivalent to spam. Political parties are incredibly So, parties have a negative influence your promises too outlandish or people Additionally, get someone qualified to convenient, even when they exist on elections, but they're effective at won't take them seriously. help design your flier. Stake signs are completely independent of policy getting votes. Even though inost people 2. Fmd people that want to help you also an effective way to get your name differences. This is ·true for a candidate agree they are bad, they continue to be based on personal convictions, not the and face out there to the public. The for any position, but it is most true for the biggest force during election season. party label. You need your friends to vote, most important thing is to differentiate the Presidential and Vice-Presidential yourself and make sure people recognize nommees. your name when they're voting. For one thing, running with a party 5. Campaign heavily when the polls guarantees you votes that you would not are open. If you're not in class, you're out otherwise receive. Some people will vote in the SU mall talking to people. Now is straight ticket, and even if they are in the not the time to be shy; you need to talk minority, they will give you an instant to students and engage their interest. If boost beyond that of your immediate they're only willing to talk to you for 5 constituents. It may also allow you seconds, then just ask them to vote. If to connect yourself to a fraternity or they want to talk to you for 20 minutes, sorority, which is a great way to obtain then do that. If you can get your friends some support. to help you, even for short periods of Secondly, parties give you a chance time, then that's even better. An hour to pool your efforts when campaigning. under high-traffic conditions is better W hen your peers campaign for the party, than five when nobody's listening to your they are indirectly campaigning for you. message. This can be an increruble manpower Ifyou follow these five steps, you have boost. It gives you access to people that a strong chance of winning yourself a will help you flier, put up signs, and position within Student Government most importantly canvass for you during with, or without the help of a "political" voting times. party. And, of course, feel free to email H owever, for all their uses, party me if you want to discuss anything politics have always been the scourge Student Government related. I'd be of a fair and friendly election at UTD. happy to hear from you.• Unless there is a truly divisive issue, the formation of parties is often a last minute and random affair. The President Contrary to popular opinion, Ben's expertise on party and Vice-President go down the list of last year's SG presidential candidates at each others' throats, due in part to partisan escalations. fouls extends beyond public urination. current Senators that have done a good Jflustration by Ben Dower Discuss this article at amp.utdallas.edu! 4 CAMPUS LIFE f EBRUARY 2008 • VOLUM E 4 • ISSUE 4
Putting the____ ~, in Orange and Green
·' million pounds, the equivalent of taking William Elvey, assistant director of replaced in the main stacks area on the 280 cars off the road." Facilities Management, passed out ground floor. Occupancy sensors, which As for us? From the long line at the a simple two page packet entitled turn on the lights only when they detect bursar's office to WebCT, UTD can be "Building a Sustainable Campus." As human presence, have already been notably inefficient. With such a track we read on, our fool-proof tactics of installed in a number of classrooms,. by samia hossain record, how can we expect our beloved tackling the bureaucrats deflated ... Daylight sensors are also in the works, [email protected] institution"' to devise and execute a plan Could it be? Had UTD already come especially in window-laden buildings fonmergy efficiency? up with and employed many of the ideas like NSERL. Then why is UTD still UTD - a green campus? In light of To address these issues (not including we had come prepared to brawl over? so blatantly ineffective? As with any monsoon-style sprinklers across campus, WebCT, that's in God's hands), several Mter thorough discussion, my fellow environmental initiative, participation is lights brighter than the sun in buildings members of Students for Environmental SEA members and I learned that UTD required on all fronts. Students at this (including our high-tech jewel NSERL), Awareness, including myself, scheduled has in fact taken conservatism into institution have the remarkable ability and classrooms in the Conference Center a meeting with administrators from the consideration when making energy to voice their opinion to higher-ups that so cold you'd think the polar icecaps offices of Business Affairs and Facilities decisions for the past several years, even are willing to listen. had seeped into the air conditioning Management. We devised a well thought before SEA existed. In addition to more Conservation takes even less effort system, it's tough to imagine UTD as a out plan to demand changes in the visible changes like the new DART than recycling waste or buying green proactively conservationist campus. inefficient use of water in our infamous passes, additional bike racks, and the products. Saving energy is as simple Several universities across the nation, sprinkler systems and electricity comprehensive recycling program that as flipping a switch or pressing a from the University of Iowa (energy. consumption in lighting, computer labs, began this April, UTD has made several button. Two important common-sense uiowa.edu) to Austin Community and building air conditioning. smart choices in the use of its resources. reminders: College (www. wi ndow.state. oc. us/tsprl If global awareness and environmental Facilities Management has taken the Turn off lights and appliances when acc/chlOe.htm), have implemented compassion failed us, we could always initiative to evaluate the energy usage in not in use. Turn off computers after use elaborate · energy saving campaigns turn to cruder methods - essentially a lighting buildings across campus in hopes instead of putting in sleep mode. addressing issues such as lighting, water do-this-and-it-will-make-you-money of replacing most, ifnot all, incandescent Saving the world may be tough, but usage, and recycling. H arvard reports approach. Mter all, lower impact energy bulbs with compact fluorescent bulbs as saving the earth just takes a little care and that simply by replacing light bulbs and usage results in significantly lower energy time, money, and manpower allow. consideration. Go green (and orange)! • installing occupancy sensors around bills over a long period of time. The latest building targeted for bulb campus, the university expects to "reduce As we prepared for battle in a small replacement is the McDermott Library Samia 's gorma cut you. greenhouse gas emissions by almost 2.85 conference room on the edfe of campus, in which 140 bulbs have already been Discuss this artie/~ at amp.utdqlfnudu!
Here are ~ome ways to help!
0 Air conditioning and heating .is clqsely monit~fed aJ.l~ on ?- tigh~ sche~ule; 0 . Wh~e sotne. o\f!!~~. ~~.n~tion~ are unavoidable, perh~J?S the pro)?le~~ !. hO room on campus $liould.fiave'¥lemjJerarliie be~ow 70o or above 75o. • ·can oe· niiii'gat:&n15y ~~ aei\t input. Request recycling bins at your next: If you find a classroom, tha_t dpes :riot f reporter can only speculate as to what went on between Jamison and these notorious rebels. Yet be can say with authority that in that same week the by charlie cliff University installed a herd of new trees [email protected] in front of the PUB. THE ORIGINS THE CONCLUSION On Tuesday, January 15th, some Were these trees the result of this overly rambunctious honors students Fraternite du Canape ? decided it would be a good idea to 'The fact that the campus is in need of enjoy the sunshine on a beautiful day. a serious makeover should be evident to They determined they would spend the anyone who has been outside recently. afternoon in front of Green Commons. What some people, especially members Unfortunately for the students, there of the faculty and administration, might was no place for them to sit and enjoy not know is how strong this perception nature's verdant bounty. has become off campus as weU. UTD's The university had long promised unique "style" of architecture recently that it would install picnic tables in placed us twelfth on CoUege Humor's front of G reen as well as other parts of Top Twenty Ugliest Campuses list, with UTD campus . .However, as usual, the the NSERL building earning the brunt administration had taken its traditional of their assault: "You can't get away with approach to deli~ering on its promises: this building," the article claims. an intolerably slow one. So the students I am forced to ask the UTD took it upon themselves to take action. Is it really a protest when you're sitting down I Graphic illustration by liam skoyles. administration if this is the image we want for our university. It should be THE ACT entirely by concrete). dispatched the Vice-President of common knowledge that the university In a bold move, the students hijacked As always, M ercury reporters were Business Affairs, Dr. Calvin Jamison, to is undergoing a massive beautification a gaggle of second-hand furniture and the first on the scene approximately three meet with the students' leader. effort over the next few years. This is constructed an impromptu living room hours after the students had begun their The negotiations were long and a wonderful opportunity to improve in the open courtyard in front of Green. demonstration. Various other members arduous, neither side willing to give the image on campus, so I hope the And in the manner of the civil rights of administration came by to offer their ground or lose their dignity in front of administration takes a hard look at heroes who went before them, the words of support and advice. The group the other. former attempts and does not repeat the students prepared to battle injustice in a was filled with pride at the groundswell All press and non-essential personnel mistakes of the past. peaceful fashion. their inadvertent act of defiance had were banned from the negotiations, If not, there're always more couches At first, no notice was taken of the begun. forced to stand eight feet to the left for us to sit on in defiance. • motley group ofundergrads and armoires of the protesters' stronghold (dubbed soaking up the January sun. But soon, THE RESPONSE fondly the 'liberty couch'). Char/it Cliffmay have starud small, but his rumors began spreading across campus When news of this rebellion finally In order to avoid overstepping his revolutionary fro(r is high. Ifyou buy a caomllin hat like wildfire (or at least the way wildfire reached the smoke-filled room of bounds or putting incorrect words in the and a muslut, you can join his militia. Dismss this article at amp.ytdal!as.edu! would spread across a place not covered the UTD offices, the administration mouths of those involved, this humble 6 S0 c~::- ~--C 0 r:1 MENTA RY Deatl:l Sentences When writing decent English is Greek.to everyone, things are bad sure there is a future Nobel laureate out there somewhere. What we have is a generation that has not been taught to treat the sentence with the respect it deserves. We've be by hannah frank gun to celebrate mediocrity to such an [email protected] extent that as long as you turned an es say in on time and didn't copy it straight It's always heartbreaking when I real from Wikipedia or SparkNotes, you can ize that I've been taking something for · get an A. granted. I had one such experience this I once turned in a paper that I admit past week, as I sat listening to a professor was written rather close to the deadline. calmly explain some basic rules of Eng When the essays were returned to us a lish grammar to one of my fellow gradu week later, I fully expected to see my lack ate students. I finally had to face the fact of effort reflected in rpy grade. Instead, that the elemental building block of the the only comments I received were the English language - the sentence - is letters "A - LOL" scrawled at the top now, in its proper form, little more than of the first page. Yes, my degree-hold a _memory. Even at the collegiate level, I ing college professor could offer nothing cannot escape the pervasive use of bad more in terms of commentary than an grammar all around me. Internet abbreviation that indicated she I'll admit that I too am guilty ofgram found my paper funny. matical errors in my daily speech. The I could look at this in two ways. problem I have is not with spoken mis Maybe I've advanced to such a high level takes (though some of the things that my of competency that everything I type friends and classmates try to pass off as is pure gold. Perhaps that "LOL'' was a sentences cause pain to my ears). Rather, sly comment from the professor to me I am shocked by the large number of about how it was almost comically easy otherwise intelligent people who seem for me to achieve the highest possible incapable ofwriting a coherent sentence. grade. Somehow, I doubt this to be the Is grammar no longer taught to students LuKe,.._• Mr\(ent.\e case. I am much more inclined to believe in America's public schools? i\\u~tratiol\ by that in the eyes of that particular instruc For a humorous example of the lows grade, what incentive is there tor, proper grammar just doesn't matter to which college students can sink, read to put forth the effort needed to make anymore. the essay "Plains, Trains, and Plantains: It may be a joke, but having talked to an essay error-free? In passing judgment There are of course a number of pro The Story of Oedipus" at http://www. some of my friends that attended com on written work, we must look at both fessors who still hold their students re albinoblacksheep.com/image/essay/1. In munity college, it's not too far froin the content and form. Grammar teachers sponsible for having a basic knowledge of this essay, a·student's attempt to retell the truth. Does a paper of such poor qual have the best of intentions when they grammar and reflect this expectation in story of Oedipus Rex is upset by his in ity really deserve. a grade as high as a D torture their students with worksheet their grading. I applaud them for main ability to use formal language. What is minus? after worksheet.However, simply hav taining their standards. In any case, I'm really horrifying to me about this exam It seems to me that the problem lies ing a student correct ten sentence errors still waiting for the day when someone ple is not the terrible state of his syntax not with the lack of ability on the part of in return for a grade does not mean that returns a paper to me with ROFLMAO and diction but the grade he received for students. If a student can tum in a paper you've taught them how to recognize and written next .to my grade. his efforts. full of errors and still receive a passing utilize proper grammar. That's "rolling on the floor laughing It is possible to incorporate sentences my ass off" for those unexperienced in that are technically incorrect into a piece Internet lingo. If you didn't know that, ( ( We've begun to celebrate m~diocrity to ofwriting. This is in fact one of the ways maybe there's hope for us all. yet. • in which modern writers have expanded such an extent that as long as you turned it in the boundaries of the English language, but you have to know the rules in or on time and didn't.copy .it from Wikipedia or Hannah Frank was totally BRB and we were like der to break them and still make sense. WTF and then OMG we totally had an article Sparknotes, you too can get an A. 11 American students aren't a large group of rojlcopter with a side of bbq. modern linguistic geniuses, though I'm Discuss Ibis article at amp.utdaYar.edu! A MoDEST PROPOSAL S O C IA L COMMENTARY 7 Girls, Girls, Girls! Everyone loves a joke about women .. . don't they? well. Liz's hurt feelings and the fact that she's the Yet even at his worst, Michael is able to The inevitable next step with such effective source of the attacks, her boss, Thornton redeem himself When Pam has some of her humor is prolific quoting. There's nothing Reed asks, "Why don't you help instead of drawings on display at an art show, Michael wrong with that on a basic level It's a way just standing there dreaming about lipstick?" makes an appearance to congratulate and for us to cultivate camaraderie and share a I can't lie. I laughed and I laughed hard when compliment her. He even goes so far as to by stephanie shasteen fun moment. Pretty soon, however, men and that line was delivered. In the end, Liz is pay her for a picture and hangs it up in the [email protected] women are inclined to start directing their given a lobotomy by a male coworker and office. This sort of move is the saving grace own misogynistic jokes at their friends-and apologizes for being "unprofessional and for a show. Get your laughs however you can, Any person somewhat versed in the range those within earshot, of course. girlish." but remember that your audience needs more of currently syndicated comedies knows that The very fact that these jokes exist so It's a step up from Family Guy-at least to remember than just another fat girl joke. Meg Griffin is the most needlessly abused prominently on our TVs and in our lives is we're certain ofwhich behaviors are "wrong". As for 1he Simpsons, there's Lisa's cartoon character of all time. Let me stress what concerns me. Despite any advances in You can argue for or against any relevance response to the "Malibu Stacey" doU. Her "needlessly" because Family Guy has never equality, our society is still dealing with these these generation parodies have in today's reinterpretation of the modem female role given the audience a reason to sympathize issues. Otherwise, what would be the point world. But do these'comedies have anything model sparks interest at first, but falls short with her. Over the years, the abuse has just ofwriting such jokes? I'm not asking for any to do with the fact that a female friend of in sales next to the "new" Malibu Stacey who gotten worse. As much as I hate to admit of these shows to be reprimanded. Rather, I mine is often ignored or ridiculed by male girls fawn over because "she has a new hat!" it, most of those instances are absolutely want their audiences to be more conscious customers where she sells electronics? Do the Lisa's arguments against the sexist doll are hilarious. met with exactly the sort In one particularly of undesirable behaviors funny scene, Peter that Malibu Stacey orders Meg out of the embodies. Marge, house when she jokes for instance, directly about taking plea£ure in parrots the doll while Lois's modeling pictures. simultaneously denying When she doesn't move, any sexist influence. Peter angrily punches a These episodes prove hole in the wall and yells that it's possible to write "Now!" in a stereotype without Meg is not the only ridiculing all the dignity female character who out of those being is mistreated, though. stereotyped. Lois is portrayed in Sure, jokes aimed at various episodes as a slut, RESTROOM specific groups of people drunkard, and addicted are perpetuated by real Illustration by Scott Ungchusri gambler. Then there's life. Dave Chappelle is a Loretta, the promiscuous and cold-blooded of what they're laughing at. So, let's put on one-liners in Anchorman have anything to do great example ofsuch humor. Unfortunately, wife of Cleveland. our thinking caps, while still enjoying some with my boyfriend making jokes about how he's also a textbook example of when Relative to them, Peter gets off easy. He's legitimately good comedy. my emotions are "ruled by the moon"? They comedians are too funny and too smart for obese, mentally retarded, and works in a toy Anchomum and Garth Marenghi's certainly aren't discouraging such incidents. their own good. If we're unaware of the factory. Yet somehow the abuse aimed at him Darkplace work under the premise of 1he Office and 7he Simpsons are easily problems behind the jokes, we're just a bunch never seems to sting as much. Peter Griffin parodying the social atmosphere of the two of the most popular comedies out there of hyenas laughing at nothing. is the undisputed hero of the show despite 70s and 80s respectively. When we laugh, in recent years. Encouragingly, they also So what's the bottom line? It's okay to every indication tha~ he doesn't deserve the we're laughing at how comically negative have the most well-rounded characters and laugh at any of the jokes I just talked about; least bit of respect. and antiquated their views are. Recall the most well-thought-out jokes. All the even I laugh at them. We should, however, be So what? Well, by itself, one unrepentantly Brick Tarnland's infamous quote, "I read characters have their time to be skewered aware it's not funny to carry those attitudes misogynistic show really isn't enough to merit somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears and their chance to show real human depth. over into real life. Your girlfriend, despite serious concern. And to be fair, Family Guy is can smell the menstruation." Fair enough; Michael Scott of 1he Office has proven her most genuine sounding giggle, does a worst-case example;. The show is guilty on the male characters get their time to be to be the perfect vehkle for lampooning not appreciate any jibes at some imagined many occasions of tasteless and ill-considered skewered, too. negative behaviors towards women-not to inadequacy due to her sex. Our words do jokes. However it isn't an isolated incident. The same goes for Garth Marenghi's mention homosexuals, African-Americans, have a lot of power. Try to be mindful of what Love it or hate it, misogynistic humor is back Darkplace, a short-lived show on BBC 4 and authority figures. When Phyllis asks to you're using that power for. • with a passion these days. and one of my favorites. Liz Asher, the be a cheerleader for the intra-office basketball Lucky for all ofus, some shows are bet1;er only female doctor in the hospital, develops game, Michael recoils: "Ugh, no! That's even Stephanie Shmteen knows there's only om group if than others at pointing out the negative "psycho-kinetic powers" and attacks the worse than you playing!" He has a similarly people thatfolly deserves to be madefun qf the aged. behaviors behind these jokes. Still, they're hospital after a wash of verbal abuse from over-th e-top reactJOn. to Jans ' "womens > They can onlyflail their weak limbs at you anyway. making the jokes, and they're making them her male coworkers. Painfully oblivious to leadership" meeting. Dis~uss this article aJ am,t>. utda/Jqs,edu! .. 8 SociAL CoMMENTARY FEBRUARY 2008 • VoLUME 4 • IssuE 4 _A Shock to the System Why TASERs are more of a threat than we'd like to thin~ this to ensure they're working before no qu.ilms with those deaths if they and shooting a TASER at a woman releasing patients.) had largely happened in situations that holding her baby. Luckily, only one of This means that on average, 3% of were life-threatening for the police, the the barbs embedded in the baby. TASER shots land during a heart's victims, or others. But the most startling TASERs would be a relatively safe, vulnerable cycle. Worse, can:liologists fact about those 290 dead is that only 25 effective tool if used in the situations by jonathan coker suggest that the vulnerable period in of them were armed when shocked, and for which they were designed: situations [email protected] the heart cycle is extended in times NONE of them with a firearm. where someone's life is threatened. They of excitement or after stimulant The biggest add a level to the escalation offorce that is If you've got a use-both of which are problem I have far less fatal than a gun. TASERs couple of hours likely scenarios if a cop is with TASERs \ are perfect for subduing the to spare, get on •.• Showoff.... using a TASER. is that they're knife-wielding criminal to YouTube and T~ER International potentially ' or for giving an search for · "Taser defends itself in a Seattle lethal J J overpowered cop in a incident." I assure Post-Intelligencer life-or-death brawl an you you'll find more article, .al te~native to their gun. than one video. My ,' The problem is that it's far search brought up 227 too tempting for police videos that range from to use them as an absolutely hilarious to easy way out or gut-wrenchingly appalling. a control tool. While watching Andrew Why bother Meyer scream "Don't tase reasoning with me, bro!" again and again a deranged man is pretty entertaining, his when you can and others' encounters simply pull out with TASER happy police your TASER, give raise very serious questions him two commands, then for me. What is the value saying that the devices that shock and arrest him when of TASERs as a non-lethal current induced by their devices is far many cops treat as he doesn't comply? police life saver, and can they be used weaker than the medically induced shock safe. I've already talked From the cop's point of view, responsibly? and that the shock is targeted at the skin, about the fatalities it's safer, easier, and order is maintained. TASERs operate by launching two not the heart. However, the weapon's pused by TASERs. " There But it means many situations that would barbs into a person and sending 50,000 barbs often embed in the chest over have been many more atrocious deeds have been defused in the past with reason volts of electricity through their body. the heart, and I might be mistaken, but committed by police using them. and conversation are now escalated into TASER International contends that the 50,000 volts seems like a lot. It is meant You have your moderately heinous violent situations ... sometimes resulting weapon is safe in almost all cases.They cite to disable someone, right? acts which include, but are not limited in death. peer-reviewed studies, some sponsored I'm willing to accept the TASER is to, delivering 20 or more sh the welfare system. It's also true that realized that the homeless were already of the plight of the homeless and some are victims of abuse or economic invisible to the world. In Rakowitz's society's attempts to marginalize them. hardship. My roommates and I debate words, the paraSITEs became "a station Some cities have begun installing different sides of the argument, but deep of dissent and empowerment; many uncomfortable "bum-proof" benches down we have difficulty remembering of the homeless users regarded their and elaborate sprinkler systems to keep by kimberly allen that the homeless are human beings. shelters as a protest device, and would sleeping bums away. He alludes to the [email protected] They're seen as the problem citizens even shout slogans like 'We beat you fact that the homeless are relatively in an (arguably) suc:cessful, capitalistic Uncle Sam!'The shelters communicated harmless in relation to the prostitutes Washington DC is an engaging city society. It's easier to criticize the cause full of influential people. In writing this ~ refusal to . surrender, and made more and drug dealers who take their place. of their homelessness than to search for visible the unacceptable circumstances I have to wonder what cities ought article, I planned to give pointless little to do--welcome the homeless who anecdotes about DC's most celebrated a solution. of homeless life within the city." traits. Then I attended the Mavericks Even so, there are people who care As you can imagine, there has been sleep on park benches and camp out enough to try. One of these is Michael mixed response to _Rakowitz's idea. On at intersections? While I recognize vs. Wizards game on Martin Luther humans have a right to Jive and a right King Jr. Day. The half time performance, Rakowitz, an artist and MIT graduate the one hand, these allow people to whose innovative ideas about housing stay out of understaffed and sometimes to shelter, I'm outraged by those who bizarrely, was a song about homeless shook up the homeless debate. The city refuse responsibility for themselves. beggars and was accompanied by a harp dangerous homeless shelters. These "homes" recognize that the homeless are There aren't any easy answers. As (as was the National Anthem-I was of Cambridge began making "homeless proof" vents, using vertical metal grates humans with rights, and iliey provide someone once pointed out to me, dumbfounded). The song's theme was even the homeless in America have it that beggars are not thieves; they are that the homeless could not sleep on for a very basic need. If this project to stay warm. In response, Rakowitz brings the issue of homelessness to the better. The poorest children on earth the pitiable recipients of hardship and forefront and makes it visible to the will never have a chance to better their misfortune. developed the paraSITE, a double membraned collapsible structure that average person, that has some value. lives or go to college, no matter how The lyrics and the harp player began .inflates when connected to air vents. On the other hand, it encourages the hard they work. Here, we have ample to grate on me. Homelessness makes The paraSITEs take in waste heat while homeless to continue Jiving on the opportunities and money designated me uncomfortable. Not because I've providing shelter from the clements. streets, and factors associated with for underprivileged families. That's what experienced it myself but because I Initially, Rakowitz. also intended for homelessness such as crime and disease makes America great, and that's what think I should these nom·adic homes to provide privacy. remain legitimate concerns. makes homelessness in America so hard The project developed into something Other concerns are more ideological. to understand. quite different. Over time, he In my opinion, the most salient When pur in those terms, there's little impression of this project is the defiance room for sympathy, especially for those it embodies. Those who espouse who deliberately choose a homeless capitalistic values- private initiative, lifestyle. • individual determination, and self-sufficiency--loathe the To read more about Michael Rakowitz's idea of the unemployed project, visit www.mifhaelrakowitz.com proudly living off the byproducts of another's Kim A lim thinh tin homelm shouldjust k glad thry hard work. don't haw to liw at mztn-vil'W Park. Rakowitz talks Discuss this artick at amft.HtdallAudu! care • enough to do something about it. Inevitably, though, I'm torn b~tween feelings of compassion and indifference. Because of its prevalence in DC, homclessncss comes up in conversation occasionally. Everyone uses the same arguments to justify inaction. The rationalization goes like this: "Pull out your wallet, and you'll probably never see it again. They'd just buy drugs with the money anyway. Lazy bums, why don't they just get a job and get off welfare?" It's true that some homeless people Illustration by Ben Dower are there by choice while some exploit A M oDEST P RoPOSAL SociAL CoMMENTARY JO The 87 .Days of Christmas Celebrating]esus' birthday takes almost an eternity now when the founding fathers were writing or two earlier. In 2007, Christmas started corporation live with themselves after the constitution, they tried to give some in mid-October. Understandably, the using your Holiness to try and sell a of March to Valentine's day with the pilgrims are pissed. Turkeys everywhere, product? Businesses must actually be the thought that it would make the U.S. in a breathtaking show of solidarity with most pious of institutions because they more filled with love. But all this did Hollywood writers, have been striking. are the ones that apparendy uphold your by alex palmer was thoroughly upset St. Patrick and the And whatever the hell represents wishes and e>.."tend Christmas for so long. [email protected] minority Irish, as weU as drop Bennigans's Halloween (pumpkins maybe? feral black This is obviously all your fault,Jesus, and I first quarter stock. cats?) is incensed. You may be abstracted want to know what you were predestined Jesus Christ, have I got a bone to pick In light of this catastrophe, the from the chaos on account of that whole to do about it. with you. I've put it off because I didn't forefathers decided to uphold the month triune existence, but those pilgrims, There is also one other pretty major want to bum you out on your birthday rule. Each holiday got one month and turkeys, and ...pumpkins are bound to effect of encroaching on the other (plus, AMP didn't run a December the idea of equality in the U.S. was born. die. Before you know it, the problem is at holidays' turf. You are burning people out. edition) but enough is enough.The gloves Each holiday gets its month. It's your pearly front gates. It's tough to be in the Christmas spirit are coming off. I Clidn't think it would fair that way. There are rules for And don't try to blame this on for a quarter of the year. This means that be necessary for someone of your age. a reason. the greed ofWal-Mart, Target, for a full three months, I have to worry By the way, what are you now, 6000 ... I am here to teU you that and businesses in general. I about what I'm going to get people and 13.7 billion ... ?... Anyway, someone of your antics these last few years know that they are certainly how much I'm going to have to spend. It's your age ought to know there's already are raising some of the same not trying to exploit the not that I don't enjoy getting my friends an established protocol for birthdays. A concerns of olde. Every • Christmas spirit to get every and family gifts, but I only want to think quick history lesson. year I see the Christmas dime from consumers about it for maybe a week in advance. It's not that weird to celebrate a aisle in Wal-Mart that they possibly Don't hang it over my head starting in birthday over several days. 1his is a spontan eously How could October. tradition which recent archaeological appear a week upstanding Each year, I see things on TV talking records indicate is truly ancient. Ask about how this year {like last year), there's any caveman and he'd explain by crudely a slump in Christmas business. Did drawing a buffalo that maybe all the you ever stop to think that the slump is family can't be in town for the actual day, because people are just getting tired ofall so you celebrate it the next Friday. {As this Christmas? If you were to just back we know, cavemen were notoriously busy off until December, you would get the dudes.) present interest all compacted into one It is still thus today. When determining month with some extra increased interest what to do with your birthday, however, because people would feel like Christmas the powers that be understand that you was something special again. got some special treatment because of the Look at eggnog. It's only available whole deity thing. But if you remember, from the very end of November to the they already made it a bona-fide holiday, very beginning of January. Honestly, I gave it a special name, and as such, it gets sometimes think I enjoy eggnog more control of the month. than Christmas. When a birthday (or any day) becomes So Jesus, all I'm really saying is that a holiday; it is given total control of the as lowly, flawed humans, how can we month it lies in. February: Valentine's be expected to celebrate your birthday Day. July: Independence Day. December: with equal fervor each year if you keep Christmas (that's your birthday; Jesus, increasing the duration? So please, for in case your omniscient self has God's sake, tell Wal-Mart and the forgotten). You get the idea. It's known others to hold off. I don't think I can as the great and mystical month rule. stand a Christmas in September. • My question is: isn't a month enough? Why be greedy? You of all people know how deadly greed can be. I don't know how holidays are done in Jerusalem, Alex Palmer hates ChrisllfUJJ so much that he bas bun arrested multiple times for "elfabuse . • but over here we follow the great and At/east""" ho~ it's Christmas-reloted. mystical month rule. In the U.S. of A, Discuss tbis article at amp.utdalltu.edu! ------~J\~R~T~S~&~~~~l--E~I~S~LJ~R~F______I I ft.~'\ The Return of (Band) with the rest ofhumanity,ofparticipating in the convenience of isolation for Luckily, technology has redeemed in something beautiful. nearly a decade now. Of course, supply itself. Rock Band has revived that Rock Band instruments do not replace and demand is in play here as well. We dormant animal in all of us that only or devalue · traditional instruments; enjoy our alone time, and there's nothing responds to a particularly enthralling they encourage the creative process. wrong with that. I'm just saying that it's . guitar solo. And this animal is not by laura miller You forgot how much fun it was to do nice to have some new options. satisfied to simply bask in the glory of [email protected] something until you were good at it. You/ The cut-and-paste music phenomena, another's accomplishment; it will foster a forgot how much you liked being in the however, is a technological faux pas that profound appreciation within you for all Two middle-aged men in suits and presence of other people who shared I cannot forgive. Jessica Simpson, Justin the elements of music. It's impossible to a young boy stand paralyzed in front your enthusiasm. You forgot how much Timberlake, Kanye West: these are the play "Enter Sandman" on any instrument of a giant television screen with plastic "Gimme Shelter" rocked. names that plague the Billboard charts. (guitar, bass, drum, or vocals), and not instruments in their hands. T iny, blue Several factors have contributed to Do they have bands? You're lucky enough gain a new, visceral, more insightful bars flash onto the screen, and the three this devastating loss of memory. I blame ifthere 's even a real human being behind perspective on the world of rock. .figures suddenly come to life. One man, technology. iPods, computers, television, most of the backing music. Synthetic For those of us who already posses a perhaps in his mid-forties, wails the lyrics and even video games are beats have created a world in which deeply profound understanding of Rock to Rush's "Tom Sawyer, ". The other man forms of entertainment that entire albums are made void of live and Roll, this game still has so much to flings drumsticks and taps his feet. The are entirely self-sufficient. instrumentation. While there offer. It gives us the opportunity to live boy furiously strums his tiny guitar to the We forgot how fun it was have been exceptions to the out a dream that we thought died long same beat. Are these people engaging in to interact with a group of rule like Beck, the result has ago. 1 had many aspirations when I was some kind of corporate experiment, or people in the flesh, because been a superficial means a child: ballet dancer, karate master, have they simply lost their minds? technology has allowed of immediate mus.ical robot, and rock band front man. Due to Imagine your grandmother, your five us to live comfortably gratification. lack of talent, or means, or for whatever year-old brother, your overachieving reason, few of us get to experience our sister, and the man at the grocery childhood ambitions. I am seriously store who is always buying cat food all beginning to doubt whether I will ever together, each doing their part to recreate become a robot. Here's your chance. Get Black Sabbath's "Paranoid."Think it wiU your friends from high school together never happen? Well think again, because and wail "Roxanne" like you always this is Rock Band, baby, and there are no knew you could. restrictions. Aside from being ridiculously I will admit that initially I was expensive (in some cases, among the many skeptics. "Why more so than purchasing an don't you just get a real guitar?" I said actual musical instrument) and to my boyfriend when Guitar Hero somewhat time consuming, there first came out. I thought that it was is really no downside to the game. just another gadget contributing to Rock Band allows all of us, no matter the youth of Am~ric a's decreasing how old, or uptight, or talentless, attention span. Not to mention the to participate in the creation of final phase in capital-"R" Rock and something meaningful. It fosters Roll's complete and thorough creativity and appreciation, and it just exploitation. But I was wrong. may be the motivation needed for the Rock Band is different. next generation of long-haired, leather • This isn't the firs t time video pants-wearing rock gods to emerge. It's garners have experienced the an arrival that is well overdue. • muhi-player, cooperative set::i ng, but it is the first time this technology has touched so effectively upon an innate 7his article would have been better. .. but Laura has bu n too busy shreddi,g her way through Weezer: desire that exists at the very core of ROCK ON! our being. Everyone, at some point Dism ss this nrtick at qmp.utdal/gs.edu! in their life, has dreamed not only of being famous and talented, but of communicating someth ing profound 12 ARTS & LEISURE FEBRUARY 2008 • VoLUME 4 • Issue 4 The Top Ten Albums of 2007 One of the strongest years in memory gave us these 10 excellent efforts D eerhoof- Friend Opportunity - I". I \ ,: _...) \ J I 0 After going from a four-piece to a threesome between 2005's excellent 1he . ·' - Runners Four and this album, one would expect Deerhoof to try to scale back. Instead I"- ',.J of sounding span;e, Friend Opportunity piled on the instrumentation and built its songs ' around the stickiest hooks the band has ever created. "The Perfect Me" leaps out of the ..J j gates with a blaring synthesizer riff over Greg Saunier's astounding drumming," +81" ""' ·-- by jordan youngblood throws in horns and turns a chorus of train noises into the year's catchi~t sing-along, ~ jry.~J I OOO@u ! dallas.edu p, and "Matchbook Seeks Maniac" is a simple, gorgeous pop song unlike anything they've written before. Satomi Matsuzaki's high-pitched vocals may still be a deal-breaker for '~·- - Y' some, and "Look Away" rambles for too long, but otherwise it's a succinet stunner. n ~ .,.. LCD Soundsystem Stnmtl r(Silwr Rlther than bep min- ing the sarcum of songs 6 like •Loang My £c~ae: LCDSouncbystan frontman James Murphy found a vein ofemotional depth buried within his wide-ranging debut album, and what resul~ was one of the bigger surprises of 2007. Certainly he hasn't completely lost hiwense of humor or popcraft; "Watch The Tapes" and 'Tune to Get Away" are immediately catchy, danceable songs in the uadition of older LCD songs like "Disco lnftittator." However, the ominous German thrum of "Get Innocuous," the genuine tinge ofregret that lifts "Someone Great" from catchy to powerful, and espcciaDy the anthe mic "All My Friends" make &lund rfSilwran album that can stand proudly on its own terms alongside its WI~ A M 00 EST P RO PO SAL ARTS & LEISURE Field Music - Tones ofTown It's a travesty that this will probably be the only top ten llst this album 4 graces in North America. No album deserved success on this side of the pond more than Thus t(Tflflm, a 6en:ely intelligent pop album that bothered to remember chat melodies were llttUally really impomnt. Calling on the ghosts ofXTC and Elvis Costello, Ftdd Music built a 30-minute testament to being an adult in a world that rewards monotony. Behind the gleaming hannonies ofsongs like •A Gap Has Appeared• was a genuine longing for aomething rewarding. and the direct lyrics or·Kingston· put it best "You work bard. you get paidJCBut 1'hat's the sense?"Yet.the band answeRd its own question with the joyous ~ts and aongaaft that turned tracks like "ln Context• arid highlight '"A House Is Not a Horqe• into )af-definetS. Hunt down a copy somewhere. You'll be glad you did. Andrew Bird - Armchair Apocrypha 2 From the crowds at his awe-inspiring performances at Gypsy Tea Room and ACL this year, it would ~m Andmv Bird has finally become a known name. He couldn't have picked a better album to rise to promenance with, a refinement of his sound that relied as much on his voice and guitar as his well-known whistling and violin skills. Opener "Fiery Crash" slowly unveiled until opening up into a whole chorus of Birds harmonizing, while best-of-career "Armchairs" found his voice reaching heights he'd never attempted to scale before. In fact, the first six songs are essentially perfect, and the second half certainly isn't weak either with tracks like •scythian Empirt."lt's hard to find an artist easier to convert people to; pick this up and 1 promise you'll be sharing it within days. Spoon - Ga G~G~~ G• 'Ga ARTS & EvENTS • F EBRUARY 2008 • VoLUME 4 • Issue 4 Carefully scripted Writqrs' Guild act, backed by actors and directors, has serious aims and conseq'll:ences Photoillustration by Jordon Batura those who get the material done; the actors' store. So do the actors and directors except • they all backed each other up. guild, those who perform and get all of the in special cases. So what's the strike's toll so far? First fame; and finally, the writers' guild, those Producers get more than 15 dollars from came the debacle of daily shows, since these who come up with and develop the ideas for this deal. Part of the old contract was that live out of scripts written off whatever's "hot" stories and programs. the cuts would be increased once the market in the moment. Next were the cancellation by alex garcia topete When the writer's guild went on strike, was deemed "profitable". With 96 billion in and suspension of some movies and TV [email protected] the industry lost its creative side, meaning revenue last year, despite piracy issues, it could series still in production. This includes new no more new shows. Actors and directors be assessed that it is profitable. Yet, dming the shows and the usual primetimers that got Everybody knows about it, either by supported the move as well. Basically, all the contract negotiations, the producers insisted axed due to lack of scripts. hearsay or because it has affected one's guilds joined against the media empire of on keeping the status..quo. What people don't The solution, and threat from the favorite TV show. The members of the producers. realize is that these ten cent payouts are what producers, was to fill up airtime with reruns Writers' Guild of America are on strike. This What's the conflict? Money is; the root the average writer or actor actually has to live and develop more mind-numbing reality not only means that they're not working. of all evils. The contracts of the guilds are on. Only the select A-list people get million shows, which require no guild talent. This They're also disrupting the whole medial antiquated, from around the 1980's, before dollar checks. produced a joint cow1terattack. Directors entertainment industry, one of the biggest ubiquitous use of the internet and the The second issue, new media technologies, and actors helped boycott the Golden Globes moneymakers in the United States and the explosion in the home entertainment market. is stirring things up even more. The old award ceremony, depriving the public of the cornerstone for social peace. The contracts were being renegotiated back contract reflected the reality of the 80's: tapes best chance to see drunk celebrities. The So what many people wonder is, why, why in July and two big issues were found that and discs. Today these translate into discs and move worked. The producers recently made are they doing this to the poor audience? had to catch up with our present: revenues digital formats. Media is being distributed in a nice deal with the directors, before they too Why must we now suffer the cancellation of and new media technologies. all new ways, especially over the internet. went on strike, and the negotiations with the shows, painful reruns and the proliferation The revenue issue is about who gets how But not much has changed in the writers are back in session. of reality TV? As a filmmaker, a writer and much from what the movies and TV shows producers' minds. They're refusing to pay the In the end, after months of conflict and part of the consumers enduring the strike, I'll make through their regular broadcasting, due cuts from digital broadcasting and its several significant casualties, it appears that try to shed a little light over the issue behind theater running, and hard copy selling of advertising. They're refusing to change the the guild wars will come to a conclusion these guild wars. tapes and discs; besides the basic initial phrasing of the contract too, preventing it satisfying enough for all parties involved. frrst off, "guild wars" is the best possible payments for the works. We're talking about from modernizing and adapting to the times There's enough money for everyone anyways. descriptionofthesituation.Theentertainment the royalty payments. of digital-everything. From here springs the Nonetheless, time is still needed to solve this industry, as important as it is, also boasts of The 80's deal was that the writers would writers' claim that they're being ripped off unfinished business and get things back to being the most syndicated. Every type ofjob accept a very small cut, along with the other and plotted against. normal. Hopefully it will happen before the in the media has a guild of its own. guilds, so that the prices were not too high The writers' contract was going to be the Oscars get shot down in the crossfire .. . • However, there are four that run most for the public and the market could grow. first renegotiated, with the directors' and business: the producers' association, those More exactly, writers get a little less than actors' being scheduled for the same this Alex Garcia Topete is one striking man. who control the money; the directors' guild, 10 cents from that 20 dollar DVD at the month and the next, respectively. This is why Discuss this artide atam,f>.tltdallas.edu! A M oDEST P ROPOSAL ARTS & LEISURE 15 ThingsThatWill Be ...... reat in Or at least have the potential to be ... ot-", Is it unfair of me to make such a big deal about Huckabee's professions of faith? It seems like I'm focusing on one part of his agenda and ignoring the rest of it. I certainly never criticized other by richard badgett candidates' beliefs so strongly. Isn't this rwb032()()()@utdallas.edu wrong of me? Yet Huckabee's platform seems to imply his qualification for office Mike Huckabee is an insane man. I IS his faith. No candidate has made a don't know how else to say it. more public display of faith or been so Some of you who read this paper conscientious about keeping his faith in regularly may remember my assessment the public eye. of Ron Paul. I had some ...we 'll say, And he's picked some mind-blowing mixed feelings about him, as I still do, displays of that faith. When he speaks at and 1 got a lot of email from people the Cornerstone church in San Antonio who thought I'd been both too critical and calls televangelist John Hagee "one of and too soft on him. I still see value in the great Christian leaders in our nation," some of Ron Paul's ideas-by no means he's inviting this kind of scrutiny. Hagee all--and, generally, there are snippets of is an apocalyptic fundamentalist that sees lLl the candidates' platforms that I find the relentless and vicious persecution of genuinely intriguing. Jews as God's righteous punishment for Not so with Huckabee. The man is their "disobedience and rebellion." an unhinged loon who wants to inflict a ll [Ignoring science] doesn't speak well about He's also quoted as saying that "the Christian theocracy on America. your powers of comprehension ...When reason UnitedStatesmustjoinlsraelinapreemptive "My faith doesn't influence my military strike against Iran to fulfill God's decisions, it drives them." This is and morality fly in the face of his dogma, plan for both Israel and the West ... which Huckabee's sort of mission statement. will lead to the Rapture." Consider me It's basically an admission that rather Huckabee will just bury his face in the sand and just a little horrified at Huckabee's praise than creating policy through an informed ignore the conclusions he doesn't want to hear.'' of Hagee and rus acceptance of tens of process of rational decision-making, his thousands of dollars from rum. term as president will be ruled by 4000- It's more than just these few issues, year-old superstitions that fly in the face The idea that anyone would not a "Christian Nation" becomes the only but I only get a few hundred words of morality and common sense. only be willing, but eager, to alter our vision of America. for this essay. Huckabee is a dangerous I understand that many politicians Constitution so that it falls in line with Speaking of answers, it's not just fundamentalist who has no regard for are guided by their religious beliefs, his own religious agenda smacks so government that Huckabee feels science, morality, or basically anything and belief itself shouldn't disqualify strongly of the same sort of dangerous lacks answers. He's also a young earth but his own religious z.eal. To him, someone from holding office. However, extremism that we're combating overseas creationist. "But that's a religious belief, evolution is "just a theory," gays will burn allowing your belief in ideas proven to be that rd assume he was joking if 1 why should it affect hls candidacy?" in Hell after they lose their basic rights as dangerous, discriminatory, and absurd in didn't know better. It's not that he says Well... the presid~nt is in a powerful citizens, and women who get an abortion political systems to control your entire benign things like "we need to return to position to make a lot of decisions that after being raped should be prosecuted. thought process should. The Crusades Christian morality." He forcefully wants affect educational and foreign policy. He thinks women should "graciously and the Spanish Inquisition were faith to inflict his bigoted, hateful morals on us He or she ought to be guided in those submit" to their husbands and went driven as well. by altering our most "sacred" document. decisions by his or her own moral so far as signing a full page ad in USA "I have opponents in this race who "I didn't get into politics because compass, but equally as well by the advice Today to make sure people understood do not want to change the Constitution. I thought government had a better of qualified indi.viduals. his feelings on the issue. But I believe it's a lot easier to change the answer. I got into po]jtics because I If every scientist on the planet tells Whichever president we elect is going Constitution than it would be to change knew government didn't have the real you the earth is 4.5 billion years old with to be confronted by 'a host of difficult the word of the living God. And that's answers-that the real answers lie in significant evidence behind it, and you 21st-century decisions. Huckabee, what we need to do - is to amend the accepting Jesus Christ into our lives."1his summarily reject their findings, it just unfortunately, is living in the 15th. A vote Constitution so it's in God's standards." was part of a speech in which Huckabee doesn't speak well about your powers for Huckabee is a vote for intolerance, What Huckabee was referring to here proposed that school shootings would of comprehension. When reason and ignorance, and fundamentalism. • was specifically the issue of gay marriage. stop happening if we mandated a morality fly in the face of his religious Because God hates fags, we as a nation national tithe. The reason Huckabee dogma, Huckabee will bury his head in This is only the beginning of this article. For the next ought to as well. His insistence on this seeks national office is because he wants the sand and ignore the conclusions he 10,000,000 worth, checlt out the website debate. point has been vocal and constant. to ensure that his vision of America as doesn't want to hear. Disross this artick a1 wp.utda/lpudu! Who would win in a.fight centaur or minotaur? AMP consults the experts. 'Taurs-jl-Us by mac hird and kevin tydlacka [email protected] [email protected] photoillustration by Luke McKenzie hat do two ravishingly In order to determine the victor, we battlefield (but with notably more precision Now you'~e probably thinking these handsome, incredibly clever investigated celebrity answers on the than the students, and with grammar that two lads neglected to do their assigned W men do after solving Physics' Intraweb and, realizing that feedback was more good too.) readings, but you would deceive yoursel£ most formidable question? They delve into from the British Demographic would Dr. Harpham, a professor of political Though Lee lost the war, Grant ultimately the realm of Mythology to answer an age be similarly useless, our two awesomes science, replied, "It strikes me that speed died ofthroat cancer which was indubitably old question, one that has been posed to asked themselves, "who would know best?" and swiftness gives advantage [to the caused by the 30,000-odd cigars he smoked every intellectual, every scholar since The Naturally they ended up back at UTD, and centaur], assuming that the arrows can during his military campaign. Plus he had Beginning. It is rumored that to even absolutely no explanation should be needed penetrate the hide [of the minotaur]." the superior beard. approach the answer to this question here as to why. Dr. Jenkins was in agreement with Dr. In their official public statement is tantamount to achieving a level of The results of their UTD survey are as Harpham, stating, "I've got to go with the Monday, TeamCanonFlux stated, "After enlightenment comparable to Buddha follows: distance." Dr. Edmunds, a professor of many computer simulations (courtesy ofthe himself. Numerous computer simulations 38% of students sided with the centaur Native American and U.S. history, made incredibly accurate battle scenarios from have failed to answer the question that the and 15% rallied around the rninotaur. the assessment that "(it] would depend Age of Mythology), empirical evidence brilliant Mac Hird and Kevin Tydlacka, 43% said it depended upon the terrain upon the arena: if the centaur has room does award the crown to the centaur. the self-proclaimed TeamCanonFlux (one of the arena (whether it was a maze, an to manipulate and has unlimited arrows, But-after applying our impeccable and syllable) have now answered. open field, etc.), although when forced he could absolutely fill the minotaur extremely capable rational intellects to the In an epic battle between a minotaur to choose, all bets were on the centaur. with arrows." He then made the striking question, we seem to have what we like to with an axe and a centaur with a bow, who The final 3 percent was lost in a vortex of allusion to this being a simple question call a 'surprise finding.' would be the victor? bewilderment as our inquisition was met reminiscent of the tactics used during the "lt seems that in every single bout Now, as we all know, a centaur has the by numerous dumbfounded stares. After US civil war between Grant and Lee. in which he was allowed to take part, lower body of a horse, the torso of a human, not achieving a true majority consensus, After weighing all the evidence Pikachu swept the competition. Though and exquisite bow skills as demonstrated TeamCanonFlux decided to pose their TeamCanonFlux decided that they outside our initial parameters, that little by the justice rained down upon Professor predicament to the faculty. must agree with their esteemed history yellow cretin would not quit screaming his Umbridge in The Forbidden Forest. A Typical of professors of higher professor (who incidentally did not assign name until we assented to his will. He's minotaur is commonly defined as the head education institutions, the superstars were a 538-page historical novel to his history just so darn cute." • and legs of a bull with the body of a man, hard pressed .to give a straight answer. class ·this semester. Huzzah!) that in and is assumed to have the muscle density Actually, they didn't give any. Seemingly accordance with US history, the centaur, Mac Hird and K~i11 Tydlacka disropt classes oftm and intelligence level equivalent to that wary to take a stand with either creature, represented by Lee, would be declared as 'My rtadily attract slam oftJMndummt . present in the left nipple of Chuck Norris. they all replied that it depended upon the victorious. Diuuss this artick at l!l/.1P,IIfdal/tu.edy.' A MODEST PROPOSAL bwc.C).r"\-0011 ' C..OM P'{ Lu\ l ur9 rad,e.d +o ~opard and now 1 e-an t get ot1l ine. Wh'/ clo 'fOV need \-o get on\ine -anyway? Sa Me w i \4, "}'iTl! $1-ashdot J-.l..lJ and Reddit- SovnQS \ike Oh, sor-ry, T. SoMe.on~~ kind oF avoid ~at. ad.dic.\-ed. 20 .. . b£ benedict voit and jessie harpham benec.ict.voit@st\tdent.utdallas.cdu [email protected] Across Down 1. A Toyota, or a WA city 2. Silver, periodically 7.~ll1e Maverick Senator 3. A song of praise 13. The entire scale 4. Actor Sharif 14. Without self-control 5. Model United Nations 16. Hemoglobin, abbr. 6.AHun 18. What candidates do 7. To take charge of 19. Type of egg 8. Canadian Military 20. Exclamation of surprise Engineers (they e,xist!!) 21. Intense enthusiasm 9. A point at which two· 23. Mount of Zeus' birth tangchts of a curve coincide 10. Pretended 25. A flower part 11. I know) AlM style 27. No longer in season 12. Campaign theme 28. A .fimeral song 15. What should matter for 29. Spanish surrealist artist elections 30. Depicted as elephants 17. Something that sweeps 32. Always honest 20. Actresses Berry 34. Type of corporate set··up 22. Todd in Sweeny Todd 35. To make use of; to 24. Arguable apply 26. Is .McCain's straight? 38. He's making waffles! 31. Candidates should 40. A lot of them this year govern beyond thes·e 41. Lags behind 33. A fi.mn of speech 44. A 19'!; Century "Dome" 36. Flower necklace scandal 37. Positive statement 48. Major Houston Energy ,...., 38. A small, roundish \.....orp. marking . Dott'tj;.'nd yourseifpuzzled? Paying too much attention in class? Se.nd suggestions ofother 49. High degree for 39. Analvzes' forcie:n,_, puzzles to amodestproposal@,gmail.corn, or theck us out: http://amp.utdallas.edu business students communications ---·------:.------·-·~-- 51. From times past 41. A proposed explanation, 52. Hermione, in real life but not fact 54. Name of first cloned 42. Came out Jan. 25 'Z.o\n'tzs\ 2 I 9 6 mammal 43. Between Custer and 75 - 45. To rain heavilv 55. Destroy ' 8 7 2 S6. Democratic candidate 46. A peaceful branch l-3 and orator 47. An apartment dwe11c.r; '9 4 58. Alternative Rock Barid: for example 1\tfunnur, Out ofTime... 49. Tuesdays with him Sud 50. Close 1 5 59. Roman emperor succeeded by Trajan 53. Colorfttlfossil resin l 55. Created cartesian 2 60. Reverse Osmosis) abbr. 9 3 coordinates (.first name) . oku - 61. A dueling Aaror·l .57. An atmospher~ Ooooohhhh 63. Type of Primary 7 2 59. Gov't. agency for the Election Time! 65. VVikipedia's "Englisl-t envi.ronrnent 9 4 dist.itKtion 62. Build 'Theme parks in 66. Gracias in Paris this computer game (abbr.) . 1 5 2 6 67. An upcoming Tuesday 64. A low murmured sound - 69. To scold or rebuke 66. Reflexive 70. Tastelessly showy 68. Residential Housing 7 8 1 I A MoDEST PROPOSAL PuzzLES & GAMES 2 J 4 8 Difficulty: Open 9 5 v~ Sudoku 3 7 9 6 7 5 6 9 7 6 2 5 4 2 3 4 2 7 1 3 3 6 3 3 6 2 5 1 8 2 3 1 7 4 8 5 ' 4 7 2 8 1 Borsenco 1 3 QJ1ce:tliis· happens the winnin~ plarer ,MU87' sh~'*t :• BORSENCO!!! ~quares must be true $q_uar~., no rectangles.· X X ::.· ~Y g;mg'first X .. then n:y letting a frien? .~o ~!s t. oxo "' q hallt;nge your. neighbor, and when X Wins! d ass is' finally over... ,, ,, / / challe~ge y<;mr ' ' professor! 0 ( ) 0 Ai\tiP is not rt'sponsiblt' for CPA loss due to f 'f obsessive pu:r.zle solving; AMP takes credit f or ~'' I' increa.red GPA due to obsessive p uzzle solving. Discuss tbese puzzl>!s at lll!J/'·utdallaudu! URANUS SCALDS MORE THAN EVER February 2008 URANUS 3 Parasitic Paper Found on the Other Side of Uranus by D'Brickashaw Cunningham of a university building, apparently would Obligatory Uranus Name have been filling the minds of the young with dangerous ideas for many months had anyone RICHARDSON (AMP) -Readers across UTD been aware that it existed. Now that students have been scandalized in recent days, having are aware of the danger, many are mobilizing discovered a inferior, lesser publication on to suppress the threat before anyone gets the opposite side of the Uranus that often hurt. stretches for endless pages about issues that "Loa~ at all those words. Think of how ordinarily are fodder for whiny teenagers many times you might have to reach the end filling up their LiveJournals with bad poetry. of a sentence and potentially move your eyes "I don't even want to know how many: years back to the beginning of another one. Do we this 'A Modest Proposal' has been makiQg my look like we are made of time? Are we some copy of the Uranus heavier and hatder to stuff sort of soulless reading robot that can run on in my pockets. I always just had the vain belief information like motor oil? I think not," said it was 90 pages of advertisements like in the Habana McGroove m, an avid reader of the Observer," said one student in the process of Uranus and aspiring humor writer. burning the entire issue. They then tore their The Uranus wishes to assure readers that it clothes and mourned in ashes and sackcloth. will continue its concise, fact-based reporting 'A Modest Proposal,' a liberal-conservative for years to come, and that we plan to free religious-atheist-Catholic-hating-Baptist ourselves from the vicious tyranny ofA Modest loathing-anti-science-pro-terrorism-gun-nut Proposal. Once we stop having the same staff haven think tank buried in the low reaches and writers as them, this will be simple. • The Uranus Editors react when discovering the existence of another newspaper behind the monthly masterpiece. Each, in his own way, wonders how such nonsense got printed along with such a reputable and honorable publication. 2 URllNUS February 2008 BOOM SHAKALAKA! HE'S ON FIRE! THE MOST TRUSTED NEWS ONTHEPLANH ..... < -0c.