Dieter Leads Violent Student Council Coup NEWSLINE
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VIA SATELLITE KENYONS NEWSPAPER 50 CENTS CNN has provided All the news that just misses the background for all being egregious acts this issues stories F of libel and slander NO 1 AT KENYON NEARLY 6 MILLION READERS A DAY THURSDAY may 2 1991 Dieter Leads Violent Student Council Coup By Wilhelm Augustus some stray students and pigeons from the and Ponder quickly set about organizing the lawn assembled safety and security forces for a NEWSLINE Yesterday at 1000 am members of the Woosley showed the assembled students frontal assault of Ransom Hall Student Council Executive Committee seized his best side and beat a hasty strategic Sumerauer seeing the scene unfolding Dies the top floor of Ransom Hall They took withdrawal He returned shortly accom- before him began to taunt Ponder and her Frat Guy several hostages including College President panied by the majority of Kenyons security minions Youll never take us alive YouH Philip H Jordan his secretaries and the sec- officers with Tom Davidson in charge The never get past Judy Hruska Student Coun- Last Monday Kenyon mourned the loss of retary of College Provost Reed S Browning security detachment sported their brand new cil Vice- President at the door Several Chase Alexander Patrick Stratner- Devlin IV Student Council President Dieter machine guns recently authorized by Jor- faint- hearted security officers passed out at who died of leukemia after a lengthy illness Sumerauer was soon seen waving an AK- 47 dan for just such an emergency However the mention of the hulking six- footer who His death was marred by his parents refusal assault rifle from Jordans window and lacking proper guidance from his superiors guarded the door And then theres Reg to pay for his medication That asshole is shouting Maoist slogans at passersby In- Davidson and his staff stood milling around Phillips Student Council Treasurer on the probably faking He just wants money for terspaced among these political diatribes he with the students and watching the increas- stairs Finally Ive got a bomb rigged to Jor- beer and drugs Stratner- Devlin did not answered questions shouted at him by this ingly erratic actions of Sumerauer from the dans body to blow the whole building sky receive medication due to his inability to pay reporter When asked about his reasons for second floor window high Jordan was once again dragged to the for an experimental drug Cancerbegone this act he responded We did it to gain Guidance arrived shortly in the form of window to substantiate this last threat that probably would have saved his life Doc- more power for students over their own lives several of Kenyons deans from the Student Strangely enough no mention was made of tors cited this lack of proper treatment as a at Kenyon Those bastards at Senate they Affairs Center The manwomanperson in Student Council Secretary Mark Vacha who likely cause of his premature death never even considered my proposal and even charge still remained in doubt The assembled was also a part of the strike team in the In an attempt to help pay for this expensive if they had Jordan would have vetoed it Well deans quickly held a brief meeting and building new therapy a number of Kenyon frater- hes gotta listen now elected Dean of Students Craig Bradley to be Ponder ignoring Sumerauers statements nities offered to hold charity events to raise At this point a bound gagged and in charge Bradley who was running several began to whip her troops into a blood lust the necessary funds Sadly due to disci- disheveled Jordan was hauled to the window minutes late arrived just after the vote was Things looked to be getting quite out of plinary action against all seven fraternities for the inspection of the gathering mass of taken A bullhorn was thrust into his hands hand when suddenly Kim McMullen chair none were able to help in the fundraising A students on Ransom lawn Seeing the grow- and he was quickly pushed forward Before of Senate strode forward She screamed at sobbing Edward Halsted vice- president of ing crowd Sumerauer tossed Jordan back in- he could issue any orders the bullhorn was Sumerauer You little moron come down Delta Phi told the Collegian that we wanted to the interior of the room and launched unceremoniously ripped from his hands by here and fight like a real man He responded to help Chase but those bastards wouldnt let another neo- political diatribe on the glorious Academic Dean Anne Ponder Ponder with a large raspberry a loud psuedo farting us They caused his death They locked our student uprising now taking place Part way resplendent in a full Field Marshals uniform noise made orally which only served to fur- lounges because we left some beer cans lying through this discourse Sumerauer realizing and riding crop had come over from Horn ther infuriate McMullen She drew out her around If it wasnt for Stu Chase might be how truly eloquently he was waxing screamed House unobserved She quickly switched the autographed copy of the Commission on Stu- alive today working off his buzz from sum- into the room Youre taking all this megaphone on and yelled Im in charge dent Life and flung it at him The tome a mer send- off Along with a number of pen- down arent you Vacha Of course Dieter here Any objections None were voiced see DIETER page ID ding lawsuits against Kenyon College Delta Always Every word was the response from Phi is considering filing a wrongful death within suit Kenyons crack Security and Safety forces Greeks Seek Alternative Housing In response to criticism H Stewart Fitz- housed in the same building took only forty- Gibbon assistant Dean of Student resi- three minutes to discover the situation Their In response to the new housing policy Cottage and President Jordan will reside in dences replied those fucking fraternities ignorance would have continued had not several fraternities have considered actions third floor single in what was once Deke have to learn their place I had to lock their Tom Woosley assistant director noticed the which would allow them to retain their belov- Lambda division Sheila Jordan has lounges They just wouldnt get the message large gathering of students and yelled Hey ed rooms Fraternity presidents have spent been summer housed You know cleanliness is next to Godliness you little bastards get off the grass drug the last few weeks talking to their lawyers and Even fraternities have to be responsible to a imagery Sumerauer then shot at Woosley have come up with some interesting ideas The Delts have requested permission to live higher standard with his AK- 47 but only managed to scatter In a press conference at the Beta rock on the field across Route 229 that the school President Paul Palagyi announced that the has recently acquired Rumor has it the group has discovered a contract that proves fraternity members plan to live in their Isuzu Administration Discusses Future their ownership of Wertheimer Field The ad- Troopers ministration has responded that it will not President- elect Dieter Summerauer By Ben Dover building a student union The administration adhere to the contract because it was written responded that after several intense sensitivi- doesnt even want one Its just something we in crayon ty training meetings the ADs have formu- Granting a rare interview that last week at tell you fucking morons to make you think The Psi- U fraternity has announced their lated their plan They have decided to dress Mehnkes Pub in the heart of downtown youre getting your moneys worth I mean intention to move their residence to in their mothers summer finest and enter the Mount Vernon a somewhat inebriated like its like we say at staff meetings Fuck Australia At first the Collegian did not womens housing lottery highly placed administrative source widely the students you know understand the motivation for such an ac- The Theta Alpha Kappa spokeswoman known as the enforcer answered questions At this point in the interview our source tion However further examination of the who would like to remain anonymous but concerning rampant speculation about Ken- made a long call to Ralph on the big World Almanac shows that Australia has the she is the only one who works for the Col- yons future plans in regard to master plan- Porcelain phone and ordered another round largest population of sheep per capita Go legian announced that the sorority has not ning housing and general fun of boilermakers He then addressed the figure decided whether to live with the Delts in the God you people are fucking stupid he renovation of the Bexley apartments In a radical move the Phi- Kaps seized parking lot or move to Australia with the Psi- slurred I mean like really fucking dumb Youve seen the shitty little trailer park Ascension hall in the hopes of improving U members okay The college doesnt have any like deal they have between Norton and Watson their academic skills Professor Stephen Finally after extensive er debate the money Were not going to build anything Were going to you know tear down Bexley Slack will be their social advisor with tie D- Phi fraternity decided that it could care worthwhile in the future Not now Not next and put up a bunch of those All were doing selection by Ed Shortman less about the housing changes A sobbing year Not when any of you bastards are alum- is replacing bullshit existing Bexley apart- Upon notice of the implementation of a Edward Halsted vice- president of Delta Phi ni Not ever The college is broke you know ments with bullshit new trailer park type new housing policy a Deke official contacted said Were used to this