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THURSDAY may 2 1991 Dieter Leads Violent Student Council Coup By Wilhelm Augustus some stray students and pigeons from the and Ponder quickly set about organizing the lawn assembled safety and security forces for a NEWSLINE Yesterday at 1000 am members of the Woosley showed the assembled students frontal assault of Ransom Hall Student Council Executive Committee seized his best side and beat a hasty strategic Sumerauer seeing the scene unfolding Dies the top floor of Ransom Hall They took withdrawal He returned shortly accom- before him began to taunt Ponder and her Frat Guy several hostages including College President panied by the majority of Kenyons security minions Youll never take us alive YouH Philip H Jordan his secretaries and the sec- officers with Tom Davidson in charge The never get past Judy Hruska Student Coun- Last Monday Kenyon mourned the loss of retary of College Provost Reed S Browning security detachment sported their brand new cil Vice- President at the door Several Chase Alexander Patrick Stratner- Devlin IV Student Council President Dieter machine guns recently authorized by Jor- faint- hearted security officers passed out at who died of leukemia after a lengthy illness Sumerauer was soon seen waving an AK- 47 dan for just such an emergency However the mention of the hulking six- footer who His death was marred by his parents refusal assault rifle from Jordans window and lacking proper guidance from his superiors guarded the door And then theres Reg to pay for his medication That asshole is shouting Maoist slogans at passersby In- Davidson and his staff stood milling around Phillips Student Council Treasurer on the probably faking He just wants money for terspaced among these political diatribes he with the students and watching the increas- stairs Finally Ive got a bomb rigged to Jor- beer and drugs Stratner- Devlin did not answered questions shouted at him by this ingly erratic actions of Sumerauer from the dans body to blow the whole building sky receive medication due to his inability to pay reporter When asked about his reasons for second floor window high Jordan was once again dragged to the for an experimental drug Cancerbegone this act he responded We did it to gain Guidance arrived shortly in the form of window to substantiate this last threat that probably would have saved his life Doc- more power for students over their own lives several of Kenyons deans from the Student Strangely enough no mention was made of tors cited this lack of proper treatment as a at Kenyon Those bastards at Senate they Affairs Center The manwomanperson in Student Council Secretary Mark Vacha who likely cause of his premature death never even considered my proposal and even charge still remained in doubt The assembled was also a part of the strike team in the In an attempt to help pay for this expensive if they had Jordan would have vetoed it Well deans quickly held a brief meeting and building new therapy a number of Kenyon frater- hes gotta listen now elected Dean of Students Craig Bradley to be Ponder ignoring Sumerauers statements nities offered to hold charity events to raise At this point a bound gagged and in charge Bradley who was running several began to whip her troops into a blood lust the necessary funds Sadly due to disci- disheveled Jordan was hauled to the window minutes late arrived just after the vote was Things looked to be getting quite out of plinary action against all seven fraternities for the inspection of the gathering mass of taken A bullhorn was thrust into his hands hand when suddenly Kim McMullen chair none were able to help in the fundraising A students on Ransom lawn Seeing the grow- and he was quickly pushed forward Before of Senate strode forward She screamed at sobbing Edward Halsted vice- president of ing crowd Sumerauer tossed Jordan back in- he could issue any orders the bullhorn was Sumerauer You little moron come down Delta Phi told the Collegian that we wanted to the interior of the room and launched unceremoniously ripped from his hands by here and fight like a real man He responded to help Chase but those bastards wouldnt let another neo- political diatribe on the glorious Academic Dean Anne Ponder Ponder with a large raspberry a loud psuedo farting us They caused his death They locked our student uprising now taking place Part way resplendent in a full Field Marshals uniform noise made orally which only served to fur- lounges because we left some beer cans lying through this discourse Sumerauer realizing and riding crop had come over from Horn ther infuriate McMullen She drew out her around If it wasnt for Stu Chase might be how truly eloquently he was waxing screamed House unobserved She quickly switched the autographed copy of the Commission on Stu- alive today working off his buzz from sum- into the room Youre taking all this megaphone on and yelled Im in charge dent Life and flung it at him The tome a mer send- off Along with a number of pen- down arent you Vacha Of course Dieter here Any objections None were voiced see DIETER page ID ding lawsuits against Kenyon College Delta Always Every word was the response from Phi is considering filing a wrongful death within suit Kenyons crack Security and Safety forces Greeks Seek Alternative Housing In response to criticism H Stewart Fitz- housed in the same building took only forty- Gibbon assistant Dean of Student resi- three minutes to discover the situation Their In response to the new housing policy Cottage and President Jordan will reside in dences replied those fucking fraternities ignorance would have continued had not several fraternities have considered actions third floor single in what was once Deke have to learn their place I had to lock their Tom Woosley assistant director noticed the which would allow them to retain their belov- Lambda division Sheila Jordan has lounges They just wouldnt get the message large gathering of students and yelled Hey ed rooms Fraternity presidents have spent been summer housed You know cleanliness is next to Godliness you little bastards get off the grass drug the last few weeks talking to their lawyers and Even fraternities have to be responsible to a imagery Sumerauer then shot at Woosley have come up with some interesting ideas The Delts have requested permission to live higher standard with his AK- 47 but only managed to scatter In a press conference at the Beta rock on the field across Route 229 that the school President Paul Palagyi announced that the has recently acquired Rumor has it the group has discovered a contract that proves fraternity members plan to live in their Isuzu Administration Discusses Future their ownership of Wertheimer Field The ad- Troopers ministration has responded that it will not President- elect Dieter Summerauer By Ben Dover building a student union The administration adhere to the contract because it was written responded that after several intense sensitivi- doesnt even want one Its just something we in crayon ty training meetings the ADs have formu- Granting a rare interview that last week at tell you fucking morons to make you think The Psi- U fraternity has announced their lated their plan They have decided to dress Mehnkes Pub in the heart of downtown youre getting your moneys worth I mean intention to move their residence to in their mothers summer finest and enter the Mount Vernon a somewhat inebriated like its like we say at staff meetings Fuck Australia At first the Collegian did not womens housing lottery highly placed administrative source widely the students you know understand the motivation for such an ac- The Theta Alpha Kappa spokeswoman known as the enforcer answered questions At this point in the interview our source tion However further examination of the who would like to remain anonymous but concerning rampant speculation about Ken- made a long call to Ralph on the big World Almanac shows that Australia has the she is the only one who works for the Col- yons future plans in regard to master plan- Porcelain phone and ordered another round largest population of sheep per capita Go legian announced that the sorority has not ning housing and general fun of boilermakers He then addressed the figure decided whether to live with the Delts in the God you people are fucking stupid he renovation of the Bexley apartments In a radical move the Phi- Kaps seized parking lot or move to Australia with the Psi- slurred I mean like really fucking dumb Youve seen the shitty little trailer park Ascension hall in the hopes of improving U members okay The college doesnt have any like deal they have between Norton and Watson their academic skills Professor Stephen Finally after extensive er debate the money Were not going to build anything Were going to you know tear down Bexley Slack will be their social advisor with tie D- Phi fraternity decided that it could care worthwhile in the future Not now Not next and put up a bunch of those All were doing selection by Ed Shortman less about the housing changes A sobbing year Not when any of you bastards are alum- is replacing bullshit existing Bexley apart- Upon notice of the implementation of a Edward Halsted vice- president of Delta Phi ni Not ever The college is broke you know ments with bullshit new trailer park type new housing policy a Deke official contacted said Were used to this Every year we get thirty cents short of a quarter Jordan cant Bexley apartments Thats the reason weve the Collegian and asked for the phone turned out of our housing or our lounge even afford a real dog for Gods sake never raised our admission standards So yall number or address of Phillip Jordan Last we However in response to this bullshit we have In response to questions about a future the student body are too stupid to know heard the Deke alumni had bought Cromwell decided to sponsor Greek Homelessness student center the enforcer ejaculated youre getting totally fucked Cottage from President Jordans realtor Awareness week Halsted grabbed his thats what Im talking about Were not see ADMINISTRATION page 2B Thus the Dekes will be living in Cromwell Robitussin and walked off into the sunset 2A EWS May 2 1991

It The Editorial From Hell

The Collegian has often been accused of being pompous overbearing and politically correct in its editorials This is all true To further demonstrate- this fact we would like to leave you with an editorial directed toward the 1992 elections when the current staff will no longer be able to antagonize the campus Learn it now

As local and state elections approach the question is not whether or not those of us registered in Ohio vote on November 5 Most of us wont The reason why is generally along the lines of Well its not really my place Im not a part of the community really Just kind of passing through Students historically represent one of the most politically motivated segments of the population For decades many of the most volatile social issues are first raised on col- lege campuses Much of the civil rights movement anti- Vietnam sentiments womens r rights and the anti- nuclear weapons movements began with students The era of student activism seems to have ended Most Kenyon students are registered to vote in Ohio Most choose not to The structure of most state voter registration systems makes it extremely difficult for- students to vote in their home state As a result students are registered to vote in a state where elections have little or no bearing on their interests For example who the hell is Ronk anyway And who gives a fuck Hell we dont care And we dont vote either Before leaving for their trip to Jamaica the Collegian staff would like to take a moment and thank the But so what Student Council finance committee for their generous contribution to our emergency vacation slush You should fund See ya So get off your ass and vote you vacuous social climbing hosebags Yeah we could sit here all night and cum up with a bunch of intellectual politically This Letter Was Really Submitted correct reasons why you should vote But we dont have the time Dear Collegian blatant disregard for the sexual oneness of in Or the patience coming students is unacceptable Change And we already know all of them anyway We the editors of the Oberlin Review have now So just trust us noticed with much politically correct disgust Were big that you still refer to freshpeople as first Hugs and Kisses And were right year students or worse as freshmen Such Oberlin And if you do somehow manage to getting your tired ass out of bed and struggle allllillllll the way into Mount Vernon Vote Democrat Collegian Crushes Criticism We will Dear Oberlin to all persons on this antiquated yet quaint Many of us remain uninvolved and for the most part ignorant of anything in Mount college community who are of the unisex Vernon we ridicule or purchase cant O What A Revelation We here at the gender as freshpeople See Kenyon Collegian have received your letter Hail Hail The cleansing wind from the and have seen the light Yea verily north We the men and wimmyn wimmin Hosanna Hosanna Hosanna womyn of Kenyon College have decided to Staff Member Defects to Observer jump on your politically correct bandwagon Yours in the fraternal bond of journalism From henceforth forwardly we shalt refer The Editors To the Editors troubles were not only with Mr Roman there was Amy Kover She would never give As we come to the end of the year I find me a chance to speak and then she has the gall Edwards Speaks that it is necessary to confront an issue that to tell me Im too quiet There are two people has been troubling me Recently there have worthy of mention My saving grace Liza been rumors that I am defecting to Russia I Hamm She was always so calm and on top To the Editor phallocentric culture must say that this rumor is erroneous The of things Liza was th real editor of The Col- I urge all politically correct white males to fact is I am doing quite the opposite I have legian My other comrade was Chris As a dedicated Kenyon faculty member I prove their dedication to the Cause and their had a more noble calling The Observer Munster He could always bring life to those have for the past several years been pursuing rejection of the self- serving restriction on Now that the truth is out I would like to tedious liberals and create havoc for John a research project using the same stringent painless martyrdom and find some alter- burn some bridges The Collegian might have Roman Alas those painful days have scientific application of biological theory native way to euthanize their oppressive started off well when I was just a mere Pro- withered away and I am free I no longer which I require of my students I have come souls the more grotesque the method duction Assistant but it steadily grew worse have to slave over an inferior outof- date to the incontrovertible conclusion that there employed the better the point will be made At every Editorial board meeting John computer and trouble myself with those is only one way for white males to end their In order to exemplify their dedication to Roman always seemed to find something to tiresome stairs oppression of womyn and non- whites the universal empowerment the naturally rant and rave about This was normally un- suicide powerful must disempower themselves in the My best called for since he has no right to tell other The health center being a tool of only way nature accepts The martyrs will be John M Walker 94 people what political correctness is and he phallocentric caucasion oppressors has remembered is certainly not politically correct My Editors Note Suck ass refused to place a basket of cyanide capsules next to the basket of condoms which they Radically Yours A provide free of charge to the campus at large Ryn Edwards in order to propogate the acceptance of Kenyon department of Biology Novak Recants Founders Philander Chase and God To the Editors society Publisher Dieter Sumerauer and Student Council Along with this realization has come a EditorsinCh- ief Moderation and Excess Now that I have passed the editorship of tremendous desire to assuage my guilt and Visiting Editors MIA the Observer to younger journalists I have consequently I do hereby on bended knee beg Production Editor The conservative had a chance to re- examine many of my opin- forgiveness for the sins of my ancestors and News Editor Meal Ticket ions from a more objective standpoint I my race which I accept as my own I pledge Perspective Editor Giggles have come to some conclusions which have to dedicate my life to the service and em- Features Editors Diamond Dave Sleeping with the Enemy Walker shaken the foundations of my beliefs I have powerment of those who were born into the Sports Editors Audi and Sweat realized that many of the editorials I wrote role of helpless victimization I hope that Advertising Managers A couple of sensitive guys represent an immature and reactionary desire through my sincere repentance and my active Circulation Managers A couple of stoned guys to defend my position of privilege and pursuit of the new order the sins of my youth Editorial Board Junior high school kids who overran the paper power both at Kenyon and within society in may be absolved Likes Walking in the rain and Chinese Food general and that as a white male I am in fact Dislikes Pushy people responsible through my acceptance of the Hopes and Dreams World Peace privilege of my ancestry for the oppression Humbly and degradation of the underclass of our Alexander Augustus Novak III May 2 1991 LIFE IB Quote of the Year Kenyons Index I know war sucks but what about that housing policy Scott Phillips Number of different potato dishes served by ARA 23 Number of minutes it takes to expel an ARA potato meal 20 Overheard and Underhanded Amount an average Kenyon student pays per year in parking tickets 135 Amount spent by the College to improve parking facilities each year 175 Cost of one 150 watt light bulb 175 I sent someone to wax Alumnis donkey Dave Allan Number of kegs allowed on campus each weekend 13 Number kegs each 27 Personal problems of students are what keep me up at night Jane Wemhoner of returned Monday Cost of unionized painters to repaint one dormitory wall 56 Amount charged by college Do you remember the Im Okay Youre Okay generation Well Im from the Im okay the to repaint one dormitory wall 200 youre fucked one Art Lecese Percentage of seniors who passed comps 98 Percentage of seniors who passed comps and booted that night 89 Number tagged on If security walks past your open window and sees a group of people doing bong hits of trees campus 978 they will have to enforce the school rules Craig Bradley Number of students in a room with alcohol and music to constitute a party 3 Number of triples on campus 41 Cost of flagpole in Hall Whats all this piracy about- Philip Jordan the front of Ransom 7000 Decibels of a jackhammer 1 10 laugh 97 Not tonight John Im entertaining P Wesley Tutchings Decibels of President Jordans Percentage of Security whose IQs exceed that of a cucumber 3 We got Chip Salmon erect Chuck Perrichini talking about Greek Council Chances of getting a ticket in town during trustee weekend 0 Chances of getting caught not paying for xeroxing at the bookstore 0 They cum every time its a gift Jessica Number of hours Pres Jordan spent getting a commencement speaker this year 35 Number of hours Pres Jordan spent walking his dog this year 91 at fraternity wet rush 100 1 have never entered a woman without her saying Oh my God Russell Zeus Percentage of freshmen drinking functions during Browne Percentage of freshmen drinking at fraternity functions during dry rush 100 Number of problems you tell a VI bartender each night 1 Thats the first step in the orgasm fakers handbook Laura Sinagra in response to Number of problems a VI bartender tells you each night 23 Zeuss comments Amount allocated for administrative travel for recruiting each year 450000 Number of Kenyon women visiting the health center each year 64 Theyre just bitchy lesbo feminists John Douglass former President of LGSA Number of Kenyon women diagnosed with vaginitis each year 378 Percentage of breakfasts not eaten but paid for at ARA 77 No one wants to sue their school Earl Houston Percentage of breakfasts not paid for but eaten at the Bookstore 77 Number of people a personal problem at Kenyon will be confided in 2 193 Ive tried to repress all the American history I learned Clifton Crais Number of students who will know about your personal problem Percentage of professors who require mandatory attendance 57 Women dont have sex at all lets not discuss this Kristen Hoffman Percentage of professors who regularly take attendance 16 Average number of fucks in a Collegian humor issue 928 Get rid of french fries They are a symbol of our phallocentric dominated society Average number that are humorous 6 More onion rings ARA Comment board How many inches do we have between us Chris Munster Observer Offers A Little More Love Not much Scott Leder Our only hope is to reach out to as many time they make it to Peirce all thats left to people as we can stated Matt Schwabb as he eat are corn dogs Its really a double stan- What are Grape Nuts anyway Kris dished out the last helping of soup to yet dard another needy Kenyon student We looked The staff was able to build the Center with you eat those delicious and nutritious ARA meals around and realized that the most pervasive the overflow from their slush fund Accord- problems on this campus were hunger and ing to one member after several champagne lack of housing The Kenyon Observer has receptions at Weaver Cottage the staff once again demonstrating their philanthropic became bored with self- serving conspicuous nature and opened up a soup kitchen and consumption They had to find a new ally This Is Your Brain new housing facilities to the less fortunate But where students Actually I cant take any credit for this The Soup KitchenShelter Service is one admitted Durell Marcell Jane It was located in the little white cottage between Schwabbs article about Homeless Awareness Norton and Watson The building was con- week I mean I didnt realize all those people structed specifically on North End where ONLY had LL Bean clothes Thats just ter-

1 have been severe Beta rible ll i these problems most r Mark Lloyd explains why staration is a par- What are the future plans for the ve ticular concern for North End dwellers Observers Kitchen The staff hopes to build v People over there just cant figure out another facility in Peep division another when the meals are being served They are so high danger area for homelessness The Fund isolated from the real campus that by the see OBSERVER pane IP CraisShort Team Up for KCTV KC1V announced its programming sche- into personal space for each commentator rbis Is Your Brain dule for the 1991- 92 school year yesterday just to keep things under control including its latest addition The The first guests will be the famed Alarm- CraisShort Show starring as commen- ists the group of students who attempted On Drugs tators History Professor Clifton Crais and to raise the consciousness and lower the REM Philosophy Professor Thomas Short who sleep of the entire campus Short expressed volunteered first for the sought- after posi- his delight in the stations choice for the tions season premiere saying I wonder if theyll Paul Valenti head of KCTV outlined the have to wear blindfolds nature of the program It will be entirely an educational series designed to illuminate the Other proposed guests that were suggested J l UJJ J7 7u F major national and local issues in a clear and were David Lynn the newest student activist concise way group on campus Shut- Up splintered off of Each guest will have predetermined ques- Speak- Out and led by Becki Miller and the tions to answer before having a chance to two Harrys Brod and Clor undergo cross- examination by the two The CraisShort Show will air weekly scholarly figures Valenti also noted that they on Thursday afternoons in the Shoppes with Any Questions put a masking tape line down the middle of the discussion of each particular issue lasting the floor to divide stage- left and stage- right at least one month 2B LIFE May 2 1991

TOM Assumes Top Library Post Top 10 Pick- up Lines Overheard 10 Wow Those are great earrings Theyd look great on my bedside in President Philip H Jordan announced research Mobert continued with a smile table the morning 9 Are you Italian through E- mail last week that a new library This should make things a lot easier when 8 I can part my hair with my tongue director has been appointed through the I I mean when Reed makes decisions about 7 I have a gold card recommendation of Information and Com- tenure and promotion 6 Do you wanna see my version of Mapplethorpes puting Services Vice- President Thomas F When asked about questions of space Man in a Polyester Suit 6 Im not coming back next year Moberg We have decided to bypass the Mobert replied TOM has scanners that 6 My batteries died this morning Can you help me lengthy and cumbersome search process the could put everything in Archives on a 5 I just went on the pill and I see it message stated The new library director will microchip That space would want to if works make a pretty 4 stateofth- eart Ill buy dinner if you make breakfast be a computer known to nice office for a vice- president dont you 3 Ill still say hi to you on middle path computer literates as a Technologically Om- think We also intend to dispose of the card 2 There must be a recess in heaven to put an angel nipotent Machine TOM catalog and let the Music Department put a like you on Earth 1 Its Senior Week few practice rooms in that area There will be many advantages to this President Jordan was unavailable for a system said Vice- Moberg in President an personal interview but he phoned Col- 1 1 1 1 the 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 exclusive Collegian interview This com- legian and in an uncharacteristic monotone mini mini Illl III puter is revolutionary in that unlike older relayed the following information Kenyon I models that operate on a series of yesno College is M SI fortunate to have such capable i mini 1 1 1 1 1 1 fin answers TOM is designed specifically for staff to lead us into the 21st century It is evi- inn mini in Olin to work on only yesyes responses The dent that the decisions beep weve made will computer will also be able to monitor which increase the efficiency bzzt of the College I Un Deux Trois Directed by Snaubert anywhere near real culture How about faculty are reading which material and am hss confident that TOM beep will be Starring Guy lHomme and Yvette character development The closest any of whether or not they are keeping up with their beep able to handle everything LaFemme No subtitles Running time 290 you want to come to that is the hero kissing minutes the women before taking her to bed Well Kenyon College Fall Semester Awareness Week Schedule Possibly Snauberts greatest work it stars you wont find any of that here We only Guy lHomme and Yvette LaFemme giving show September 2 real cinema at KFS And you know Greek Homelessness Awareness Week D- sponsored by Phi incomparable performances What Youve what else youre going to get more of our September 9 Collegian Awareness Week sponsored by Student Council never heard of Snaubert Its because this is cinema next year because those idiots at Stu- September 16 Apathy Awareness Week sponsored by Speak- Out art you cretins No Sly Stallone Harrison dent Council Finance Committee gave us all September 23 GDI Awareness Week sponsored by Greek Council Ford Glenn Close or Demi Moore here We the money we wanted again Like they ac- October 1 Walk Shame of Awareness Week sponsored by WKCO only show real films at KFS not that crap 8 tually pay attention to whom theyre giving October Social Tension Awareness Week co- sponsored by the Observer that Hollywood puts out Our cinema has money Just like taking candy from a baby and the Womens Network culture but you wouldnt know what that is Heh heh October 15 Bartenders Awareness Week sponsored by the VI Cove and DAPB if it came up and bit you on the ass In fact Yep more of the same Foreign and real October 22 Mud Wrestling Awareness Week sponsored by the Deans no one knows what were showing these days obscure If you want to see that other shit October 29 Commencement Speaker Awareness Week the Office of the We dont bother to run ads in the Collegian haul your sorry selves into Vermin pay President and and no one comes to Rosse Hall anymore for five bucks at that thing they call a November 5 Poli Sci theater Hidden Agenda Awareness Week Anthro- Soc Dept our showings You dweebs would rather November 12 Hell Awareness Week sponsored by Greek Council again- see watch Schwartzenegger rack up a body count Hugs and Kisses how much community education they do close to the national debt rather than come Ned and Chris November 26 Political Incorrect Week No one at Kenyon is willing to sponsor this event presently December 3 WASP Awareness Week Multi- cultural Affairs December 10 Academics Awareness Week This is what the Faculty has decided to call exam week WKCO Presents New Drama ASHES Sponsors Lee Iacocca Listen in on Saturday and Sunday from By Scarlett B Gonias we felt had real credentials And what credentials the man has As a major cor- 11- 1 in the morning ASHES will sponsor Lee Iacocca May porate executive in the nineties he has had to 1 9 as he comes to Kenyon to give a lecture en- face growing pressure from such mainstream titled McDonalds The Opressed Polluter groups as The Evergreen Alliance who feel Live from Iococca brings to Kenyon a plethora of ex- that the corporate structure of America and Middle Path perience capitalism in general are responsible for the general demise of the environment We all its the Walk of Shame Show A highly placed source within ASHES got to go back to nature man one of the Live was quoted as saying Well ve felt that Alliances members was quoted as saying interviews fashion critiques get all the gritty details weve had enough of this radical e vironmen- Like wow We think thats totally about Kenyons perverse pleasure seekers tal shit so we decided to bring in man who awesome Tune in and find out what your friends did last night

pj I

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May 2 1991 LIFE 3B

Lots O People Coming to Speak about Shit No One Cares about By Shaggy P Finster feature Biblical or liturgical texts set to music Voth feels that the amount of publicity and humanities students participating have by composers from the late sixteenth and that the small town of Gambier will receive ranged from biology to sociology to history This event is by no means all work and no twentieth centuries Also featured in the first will be unbelievable Gambier will not only Students going into their sophomore years play In order to create a festive atmosphere half of the program will be the secular can- be in the Guiness Book of World Records but and graduated seniors have all shared in the Owl the Kokes the Creeks the Generics and tata Naissance de Venus by Darius Milhaud in almost every newspaper throughout the experience the Chasers have agreed to perform a medley depicting the birth and arrival of Venus and nation Voth plans on receiving help from With a very successful spring tour through dring of carols the wreaths construction the Bach motet Lobet den Herrn alle Michael Matros News Director from the not continued nobody cares ARA will be catering the event supplying Heiden Public Affairs Office Apparently they feel egg nog workers with hot chocolate hot tea that there will be approximately sixty televi- cookies and various holiday bakery items sion print and news media personalities at Barrels containing small fires will be provid- Kenyon for the building of the wreath Ken- ed by Security and Safety in order to keep yon will be seen as a school whose students people warm A light truck will illuminate the and administration were able to combine lawn throughout the night with the community and not only enjoy the No is expected one to have any knowledge holiday spirit with each other and set a world of Italian upon entering the program though record but also in the long run help charity any ability in that regard is certainly no han- events help those in our community enjoy the dicap but students will emerge from the holiday season in a way never thought possi- summer having studied enough of the ble before i language to make their ways around the city The price for all this runs a relatively steep CHECK THIS OUT Students also 3500 but before judging too harshly con- receive grades that are factored into their WHEN I WOKE UP sider that five weeks in Rome are nowhere to Kenyon Tins GPAs and are awarded one unit of MORNING I HAD ONE be had cheaply and that sum includes room interdisciplinary credit that can be used to and two meals a day at St Stephens day NERVE meet both the Colleges diversification re- LETT AND NOW trips and the ever pricey unit of credit at quirement and certain departmental re- YOURE GETTING ON II Kenyon Some financial aid was available for quirements the 1989 trip and that is being expanded as The first portion of the program will quickly as possible as time goes on According to Ellen Mankoff the program is not aimed at any one age or group of ma- Dean Steele displays the latest required reading for More Quotes jors Despite the leadership from the fine arts faculty and administration Sex is a little death Royal Rhodes COMMEhlCFMZHl 199 Am racvn BSTEFtVtlD GLRSSCF 97 Do you know how hard it is to get a zucchini that looks like a penis on Friday night ai rr Krogers Gordon Center ntt PLEASED TCSPEftKBS A SCBSTITUTS THOUGH f FLO It was outrageous for the NEA to withhold taxpayers money from the Kenyon Review just because it might print something that would offend homophobes prudes and religious fanatics On the other hand no student rag such as the Observer should be per- mitted to publish something that might offend us TjinT mo nanprr wnu r- i Chorus of Faculty Liberals iwr M EVE WTMTO THE W3fiLD MUD y 1 fir DKEs are harmless animals April Garrett SttPn xff Tone n m I cant be Heather I have to be a Veronica because 1 have gorgeous dark hair Kent tv Ginther speaking with Heather I Heather II and Heather III 7vkj r m Heres your tip for today Be nice to your yai customers Josh Webber to Tina the waitress at the Cove

I have a dick Of course Im closed- minded Dieter Sumerauer

Men are capable of the most infantile behavior Ed Hecht

Im Mr Objectivity John Roman

God he was so good 1 wouldve let him do me one male judge at the senior lip sync about Nick Nicholson as Madonna 1 ClOWAf f Welcome to the Machine Mark Lloyd overheard one evening SPecif- tL Ml mmCHEAP KW The Lct cW Sir geez WHAT AM onm0r ArAAZLiWG FovK T0RTR6 FIRST TIME IM wkcf YEARS Classes theaj tw LOJ FNDSHl REALLY LQ0KIM6 OUT AT WHAT A THGAJ wks NAS 6 AST XPAN THATS IT GRADiATlCM COMPSBORCOM OF TH VEW THIS is TDO FRAN6fc WAR tmKJCBR PftKYlfcS Rest OF yvy LlFf m L6VAJIS PrtLDvATHSlAN FUTURE FR6HTAIN0LV ttC BJt SIRLTCHS BFOR M iv 1C

TT Athlete Awareness Week

By Skar- Heathen one participating student who desires to re- I main anonymous I have put together the N To compensate for the schools absurd master wish list decision to reduce the Athletic budget the For the Football coach Jim Meijer a students of Kenyon decided to have an speech lesson in how to give a civil awards Athletic Awareness Week The event banquet speech and a star quarterback for which was wel- lattended was held last week next season on the lawn in front of the Chapel For Soccer coach Mike Pilger a new For all you nobodies who study all the sweater to replace that heinous one he insists time the event involved students playing on wearing and a box of blow pops plus a sports all one week trusty sidekick with him t of sorts for straight to share one without showering These sports afficionados For Track coach Gomez a few more Kara gave up the humble confines of their rooms Bergholds as they slept on vaulting mats for the entire For Swimming coach Jim Steen an ad- week Gatorade was the only type of nutri- vance order of leg weights that the swimmers tion these committed few intook for the course must wear in the meets so that the coach can of the week finally achieve that elusive second place at Athletic Awareness Week was held in Nationals After all he needs to lose losing hopes of raising money for the sports coaches builds character right so they could buy long needed sports sup- For Lacrosse coach Bill Heiser an assis- plies The event appears to have achieved its tant coach purpose as it raised a fair amount of money For our rookie womens Basketball But exact figures are not available as one coach a sophomore season and a recruiting student participating gargled when asked budget By the way can you buy a how much money was raised its none of victory your fucking business For A D Baseball coach Bob Bunnel a Now that the event is over the students few more teams like Oberlin on the schedule turn to the task of purchasing the supplies for And for Mens Basketball coach Bill the coaches But they seem to know what Brown a few more players that look like he A Lot of Campus Fun Starts Here they want After an in- depth interview with does Whenever theres drinking or drugs things can get The out of hand So its no surprise that most campus Letter of Intent You didnt read last week fun starts with alcohol Greetings Kenyon Path unpaved back- door romances and rim- But you should know that under any cir- I am submitting my name to the election of jobs a clean New Apartment A- l no more cumstances fun without alcohol or drugs is lame the first- ever Vice President For Underage professionals Nick Nicholson at the Senior A felony punishable by prison And being broke Admissions to Frat parties Bestiality Lip Sync Contest and the full return of is no excuse Misconduct and all other soonto- be extinct Rugby articles in the Collegians Sports Pages forms of popularized entertainment on cam- with a lot of piracy racknb- ox indirect Thats why when you party its good to know that pus I am extremely qualified and I am sure references to erect cock bylines your limits are You see a little sobering thought and funny that after you read this impressive spread on like Ty Whitie now can save you from running out of beer later T Jacques Strappe etc me will you vote for me OK If I am elected Im sure I will be after you Do you remember hearing about that per- finish this letter I promise to do the follow- son caught jacking off in the bathroom next ing provide the video that goes with the Five Assholes Burn to the Shoppes Well I walked in on that Amy Kover sex biography ensure that PJ person stays awake during all events with guest Last weeks freak radiator explosion in the Awareness Team pointed out We think that Remember the DKE flyer calling them speakers force PJ to curb his dog on Mid- northwest corner of Peirce dining hall in- explosions cant happen in Gambier and racist sexist pigs 1 wrote it dle Path eliminate cross- dressing at parties jured five students and has left the rest of the were wrong We only have to look back as You know who that Observer spy was in stick to cross- training get Chris Munster to Peirce- loyal campus population shaken and far as the Caples Bomb Scare to understand Wrinn Edwards and David Lynns classes It buy a pair of pants make sure that the Delts confused about the safe Kenyon atmosphere that the problem is growing that its not just was me wear their pants like everyone else on cam- once taken for granted The incident itself going to go away Other students have been Do you want a biography on the sex life of pus was enough to throw the great hall into a speculating as to the underlying reasons for Amy Kover the Collegians News editor I Last year seven people voted for Student chaotic rush for the exits leaving a wake of the accident Those guys always sat there can do it Council four of them twice So cum out and looted silverware holders and unbused trays 1 I volunteered an observant student think And in case you didnt know was the one vote this year and vote for me If it isnt clear Electricians hired by the college to investigate there used to be a trolley running right by wearing the polyester suit in the Map- by now after this exhaustive self- glorifying the cause of the explosion estimate that the there They ran it back before Peirce was a plethorpe exhibit literary masterpiece that a vote for me is the weight of books students and golf clubs co- ed dining hall Upon further investiga- Those are some of my qualifications for vote for you then you are all ignorant shits may have placed too much stress on tion it the has been discovered that a bus does this office Wait youre still not sure that who know nothing of using the democratic system The initial suspicion of sabotage in fact was still come through on occasion how- youll vote for me Hold on this is what I process in your favor Thank you dropped after authorities discovered that a ever only a select few students are privy to stand for Trouble With Tribbles re- run was airing the departure schedule Efficiency in government keeping Middle Name Withheld during the time of the explosion Unfor- As to the ensuing chaos the food service tunately this finding does not clear up the employees were not convinced the incident most enigmatic and problematic factor Cowed warranted all the hullabaloo They saw the witnesses have testified that nearby benches whole thing as just one more excuse for were unoccupied yet the injured students students to leave their trays on tables So Standing out at the VI who were sitting on the radiator at the some assholes got burnt so what said a Feeling time of the blast still decline to respond worker as she applied Ben Gay to her aching a little lonely when asked exactly why they found it tray- busing arm Even as the new jnenu item Order y w necessary to perch there These students radiator roast gains slang popularity our Delt Belt No however do it make very clear that they are students roundly protest that the actual ter- Thats Right For only 1995 considering a major lawsuit Kenyon at- ror was legitimate Said one Junior who torneys are reportedly worried that these though sitting at the table nearest the blast you too can fit in would- and cut out be plaintiffs may try to link past in- emerged physically unsinged I have seen juries to the recent occurrence Although the some nasty stuff here at Kenyon these past with the babe of YOUR choice hospital reports list only minor burns to ob- five years but never anything like this Call 19- 00KWIKLAY vious bodily regions at least one victim has Jack Finefrock at complained of irreversible clothing damage and order now Apparently as a result of the heat the said Give a Hoot while supplies last fabric turned from its original poppy to a Available by light paprika Dont Boot male order only The college is considering conducting a Forest Service forum discussion regarding the incident As USDA m the leader of the newly formed Explosion May 2 1991 SPORTS 2C Its Official Bonehead Gon 5 Cardone Fails Out of KC I admit I blew my course load Field by his language In a surprise to virtually no one to business the nature of has been in contact with Chris Mayer and Afterwards he summarized his argument sophomore Robert Francis Bonehead Car- When asked to name the last five books James Ratchford in the past few weeks and with this statement bad enough that the why else done Jr failed out of Kenyon yesterday that he read Bonehead responded Oh Its would he care to speak with God damn Senate has to approve an athletic Kenyons first ever in This academic deterioration has been a thats easy Penthouse 1991 January Feb- participants the World schedule and that the admissions committee Porn Olympics tag long time in the making according to Presi- ruary March April He then paused and team category See wont let the dumb jocks er the marginal Russell last years Issue dent Jordan who personally signed the ex- continued can I include Victoria Secret Humour ecution order at 1200 pm yesterday Ac- catalogues students in here anymore but lets be In the short term though the affable serious If guys like Robert an upstanding tually I take no pride in seeing a Kenyon stu- His good buddy Ralph Geer was overheard Bonehead plans on taking that trip to Ron citizen who happens to have a good poke- Jeremys mansion as promised in dent not able to achieve academic goals of saying I cant remember the last time that the check cannot be allowed to get a decent Wish List in the highest order Although I have to admit fuckin idiot opened a book However in Christmas back December The education then how am I supposed to beat I did get a chuckle out of his asking a Cardones defense it should be noted that summertime brings Bonehead back to the Wesleyan again This is total bullshit Hey Joisey where he plays role Registrar employee if there would be any Geer has a hard time remembering a lot of Shore the of at least he didnt say fuckin bullshit right Bonehead the hilt by lifeguarding courses on underwater fire prevention any things But hes not the story Neither is to What could possibly be in the Boneheads Although on low end scale he time in the near future senior Don Ward Thomas which is some- the of the IQ future Well there is always Cardone Print- sits high Dean of Harassing Students Craig Bradley thing new and differet Maybe because he above the tanners and the ing for which Cardone has big plans musclemen swimmers you know the Dean who fucked frater- hasnt wrecked a car of his lately the and the surfers I cant say at the present time precisely I like it better anyway I get nities said Who gives a shit hes gone Any When asked his likes and dislikes there to surf a but hard- core porn is definitely at the heart little get my whistle bl I mean get kid that still sniffs his hand after scratching Bonehead went off for hours indicating that to of the changeover at Cardone Printing said blow whistle I ssroom my and dont have to read any his balls is still pretty maladjusted to me his outofthecla- endeavors are end- Cardone This is probably the case Cardone How did he get in here anyway Did someone less of that Forkner crap too ante up a few extra bucks to get this kid in First I like boxing and box lunches and here box tops and shoe boxes and after eating Lax Studs Are Sensitive Too You got it Dean Bradley Mr Bonehead lunch at ARA asking whos going to the By Dou Che Bag Eric Brockett Data who runs Cardone Printing Inc in Bryn post office and check baaaaaaahhhhhhhhhx Tony Camisa Funky Tone Mawr PA sort of lined coffer with I also like saying blow me because Munst PJs Whats in a name Besides letters nothing Funky Smooth Pattie melt some extra green in the fall of 1990 his sons always says it a wel- lrounded guy we What else right Sometimes we call people by other Pat Muller- Girdy first year here The amount has not been have here no names We call those names nicknames Why Mike Carnighan Herbivore disclosed Although officially expelled from school nicknames I cannot answer Of course it Steve Corley Marathon Upon closer inspection you might actually lacrosse coach Bill Heiser demanded that his would be obvious to say a guy named Nick Gordie Walker Yellow Boots find the Bonehead pretty harmless But starting defenseman be put back into the started the whole thing but thats not the Erich Wetzel Truck stupid When the Collegian or whatever lineup yesterdays for Ohio State game point Ian Rowan Thespian name it goes by this week went to get a kind The verbal battle between him and Jordan Regardless here is a listing of the Nat Paynter Gnat of academic summaryinterview of this mild was something to witness Heiser apparently nicknames that actually appear above the Manuel Morales No Name mannered Ron Jeremy devotee it got down thought he was in pressbox at McBride the names on the lockers of the Lords Lacrosse John Meredith Dickhead team circa 1991 Jamie McCarthy Axl Colson Loses Game for Kenyon As a point of reference the real name is on J K Fagan see Geer below the left the nickname on the right Aaron Kilbourne Lazy Kid By F Useekay and Twa T Licker gutless disgraceful abominable alright Phil Wilson Flipper Almus Thorpe Chillin Don Thomas Ward we get the point already Although he did go Will MacNeil- Pin Cushion George It is a time when most athletes dream on to say Since when do French kids play Abar Babar James Rantanen Rat John Carpenter about baseball I thought they were all pussy soccer Taco James Griffith Day Off Ben Lee Sumarai Bases loaded bottom of the seventh down players Its where Colson should have been Ralph Geer Blackout one run and then the count gets to that all along Chris Munster Shaggy Rob Cardone Bonehead almost mythical point at 3- 2 Senior Jason Birch a long time Coleslaw The pitch the swing Roger what were friend was overheard in the lockerroom after you thinking the game consulting Coleslaw by waying Ya Overheard and Underhanded Roger Colsons inability to swing at a 3- 2 know Rog as I like to say Sometimes you is real thing Church billboard in Mount Vernon fastball with the bases loaded on Sunday win sometimes you lose sometimes it rains God like Coke Hes the resulted in the Kenyon Lords Baseball team but never ever look at a third strike you Thetas are the Avon Lady Fraternity John Roman losing to John Carroll 4- 3 What is ironic sonofa- bitch about the situation is that Colson was Beneath the surface of this though is the up as get sexual brought a this PINCH HITTER ramifications After a big game its The one on top has all the power a sobbing Edward Halsted vice- president of Do you know what that means Colson generally assumed that the star of the game Delta Phi quoting a Chrysler commercial YOURE SUPPOSED TO SWING Boy gets laid right This situation was tailor- did you fuck up Hey and its not like you made for getting some play afterwards but And puke- Jordan Reed guys have won nearly every game this year Coleslaw really screwed himself Well Rog and could afford to drop a non- conference has a girlfriend but she uses sex as a motiva- My gynos comment is better Nancy Faris game The ramifications of Colsons CHOKE tion for her man to do well Judging by his could reach deep performance lately Rogs slugging percen- DJ I just cant stand slumming with the Collegian anymore Johnny Walker Red I know we lost and all said junior Bran- tage is probably pretty low din Chili Waltonberg but Ive got say Oh by way to the the team won against I mean it no lingerie forget it Dave Suggs talking about the Cozy Im glad it wasnt me who fucked up If I Wilmington 21- 17 with a late touchdown were be pissed pass Birch coach Id from to Webber And wouldnt My only goal this year is total conquest of pussy A sobbing Edward Halsted vice Pissed isnt the word Coach Bob Bunnell you know it the Lords started their rally president of Delta Phi in his first year called it the most shameless after Coleslaw left the game in the fourth Thats okay Nance you dont have to have a dick to be sexually deviant John Box Lax Stats Roman

The problem with being in a fraternity is that then we believe we have to be stupid boys NAME GOALS ASSISTS SHOTS PCT drunken frat Dave Allan Would 55 0 56 Almost 1000 This paper has no shame Keith Harris talking about the Collegian Bert 36 75 100 Close to 40 Transfer hot- shot 30 2 61 Those are her real stats You have 24 goobers on Student Council Mark Vacha Raymond 10 4 190 Are you kidding Whats your last name Vince Halloren talking to Wynton Marsalis

NAME BAD PLAYS GOOD PLAYS PCT We have no commencement speaker Ed Benyon Cakes 230 50 Sieve Its in my box where all the good news stories are Tamar Gargle May 2 1991 ID MONEY

DIETER This space contributed as a public service

large heavy book struck Sumerauer his eyes rolled back into his head and he collapsed Seeing their leader incapacitated the remain- ing members of Executive Committee laid down their weapons surrendered to safety and security and were taken into custody Sumerauer was taken to Knox Community Hospital under heavy guard For the few members of the community who did not witness the events of the day KCTV will broadcast a videotape of the terrorist actions every thirty minutes in the Shoppes for the rest of the week After removing the terrorists from the building Jordan and the other hostages were quickly released The bomb that was wired to Jordans body was found to be a well- made fake The bomb making firm of Rice Webb and Whiting are suspected of furnishing Sumerauer with this well- made forgery This r i could not be confirmed as no one was answering the phone in their eighth floor Caples office After being released Jordan praised the Hall Susannah Mabrey j response of Kenyons forces of law and order and promised to form a sub- committee to look into all aspects of the crisis Jamie Peele named provisional head of this sub- committee promised to begin Writer male 21 seeks honest correspon- female about love loneli- hearings as soon as a list of witnesses could dence with young ness despair be readied and told the Collegian 111 be is- suing a preliminary report in approximately six months Ill be able to reach final conclu- sions three to six months after that

ADMINISTRATION The best thing about the new Bexleys go- Bob Keister Next Year ing to be that like you know theyre mobile so if we review the housing policy we can just move them around God I love power Our source drooling slightly then ad- dressed the faculty debate about the political tensions between professors Well basical- LS Get the side of the news ly like if the political science department would shut ass and the sociology department you cant find anywhere else would move to Cuba where they fucking belong thered be no problem I mean like The Fifth Best Publication on Campus fuck the Observer fuck the Collegian What do they really know about political correct- The ness anyway And by the way Ben you can go to hell Kejftyom Observer they Observer has a lot of preparations to do before begin feeding their Peep brethren Most of the former dwellers of Old Kenyon are For all the right reasons vegetarian Tofu just doesnt go well with the All the latest campus issues distorted to perfection leftover champagne that the Observer has Thomas Short been serving They are now looking for ways to re- allocate They represent America Mom apple pie decency By the time Im a senior I do hope we will and the Chicago Cubs President George Bush be able to help those poor Collegian people in that dreadful garret They could really use my Fish are your friends excellence again sighed Johnny Walker Red To help the Collegian is my greatest goal at Kenyon On a serious note the Collegian would like to thank those who have worked behind the scenes to help make Kenyons student newspaper possible After numerous years working as the Collegians typesetter Don Rice will not be in- Collegian Notes volved in the papers production in the coming years Without his invaluable insight knowledge and patience the College would have been subjected to a newspaper of far inferior quality We remain in his debt After four years at Kenyon Roseann Hayes director of Student Activities and Jack and Jill came to the Hill Organizations will be leaving the College with the class of 91 The Collegian wishes her To get an education the best of luck in her future pursuits and wishes to thank her for settling our squabbles They passed their comps and supporting the organization through it all and did real swell On a more positive note the Collegian welcomed Michael Matros this year as an And now flip burgers as a vocation undercover advisor and informational source We look forward to a promising future working together