Daddy’s Little Girl http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peggy-drexler/the-dark-side-of-being- da_b_1619245.html The Dark Side of Being Daddy’s Little Girl 06/22/2012 01:27 pm ET | Updated Aug 22, 2012 360 * * * *
Dr. Peggy Drexler Author, research psychologist and gender scholar At 33, Dianne had been married to Daniel for just under a year. She was smart, pretty, cheerful, and enjoyed the finer things: The slouchy designer handbag slung over her shoulder must have cost upwards of a thousand dollars. She was used to being taken care of: Back home in Missouri, she’d grown up the youngest of six children, and the only daughter. “I feel like I had a princess childhood,” Dianne told me. “Like I lived my whole childhood in a pink tutu and everything was perfect.”
She had me at “tutu.” Dianne went on to recall her relationship with her parents as “ideal.” She described her mom as a terrific cook and her father as an exceedingly hard worker. She said her relationship with him was — then and still — “incredibly close and special.” I asked Dianne if she had looked for a husband who shared her father’s qualities. She nodded. Both had great senses of humor, were intensely career driven, and fully in charge. “My dad always wore the pants in the family relationship, and my husband does, too,” she said. Turns out, there were other similarities. Dianne’s father had been an alcoholic; whenever he was in a bad mood, she’d be the one to make him laugh. When she succeeded, she felt even more special, empowered. As a child, this role had given her a sense of purpose and security. Her husband, though not necessarily an alcoholic, would sometimes stay out all night, she told me. “I told him it’s all going to change once I start having babies, though,” she said lightly. I worried about how Dianne might handle it if — and likely when — things didn’t change. Similar to having learned to cater to her father, and be catered to by him, Dianne avoided fighting with her husband. “Sometimes I’ll even say, ‘Fine, you’re right,’ even if I believe differently, just because I don’t like confrontation,” she told me, adding that her husband controlled all of the family’s finances. “But he’s very loyal and dedicated. I never question what he’s doing. I know he wants the best for me.” There’s nothing wrong with trusting your husband’s judgment and believing he holds your interests close to his heart. But Dianne had lost the ability to see what “the best” really meant — for her. She’d lost sight of her own intelligence and basic common sense. Like many women who are pampered or treated as extra special in childhood, Dianne’s sense of her own power had peaked back when she was a girl; back when a few words and a smile were all that were needed to transform her father’s mood from melancholy to joy. Along the way, her self-worth had become deeply rooted in others’ happiness. She never developed the ability or assuredness to express her authentic self, especially when that self wasn’t pleased. There is a myth that the pampered child holds a lucky lot in life. In reality, that life reads more like a grim fairy tale. Adorable and adored, her joy and laughter enthrall her parents, who revel in their ability to so easily please this tiny being. As one father joked to me, “Being a dad is so fulfilling. Where else will I find people who will literally jump up and down with joy at seeing me?” In turn, making his children happy makes his day. But as a daughter changes and grows, so too should the pleasure a parent — especially a father — feels in her happiness. Instead, many daughters are spoiled by their fathers, who rush in with car keys, money, and indulgent yeses. On an emotional level, she basks in the knowledge of her power to please her father, and learns to respond more to his pleasure than to her own. She feels taken care of, but it’s a false — and conditional — sense of security.
In this way, a child’s real feelings may be derailed by her parents’ influence. She becomes unable to determine where her parents’ feelings end and her own begins, unable to speak up for herself. That stays with her. Consider Dianne: Why would a bright, educated, articulate woman be so willing to relinquish her opinions, her paychecks, and her power to her husband? It’s because she learned early on the pleasure of pleasing her father, an ongoing dynamic that engaged her emotions with his and led her to seek out the same in a spouse. From an early age, Dianne’s mission in life was to bring joy to her beloved, beleaguered father. Now, that mission had transferred to her husband. She’s still playing the role of the obedient and complaisant child, and tacitly enforcing the notion that there’s only one adult in the marriage. And it’s not her. The Daddy’s pampered little girl dynamic can also pose a threat to a girl’s sexual development. Take Julie, a 32-year-old single woman whose father taught her to always “be nice and make people feel comfortable.” Now, whenever Julie dates a guy, she lets him treat her like a doormat, rather than offend him or risk confrontation. Or Lisa. When Lisa was 12, her father drew up a “contract” stating that Lisa would not date until she was 21. In exchange, he would get her a puppy. “At the time, I just wanted the dog, and I didn’t care about boys,” Lisa told me. “But later, when I obviously ‘violated’ the contract, I felt awkward and guilty and confused.” That’s not to say that fathers should not dote on their daughters. There is no question that a father’s responsibilities have grown both more numerous and more complex over the years. That’s a good thing. No longer can a dad acquit himself admirably by merely providing financial support for his daughter, protecting her from harm, and teaching her how to operate a manual transition. More and more, he must also serve as her buddy, mentor, emotional anchor, sports coach, companion, and confidante. But while many fathers of grown women still see themselves as their daughters’ protectors — which, again, is perfectly fine and understandable — it’s also necessary for a father to instill in his daughter the belief that she can be her own protector, too. When a girl is able to observe her father as a strong role model who’s masculine — but not entitled or domineering or overly placating — she absorbs that into her system and manifests it in her life. She feels protected but also independent and capable. Fran, a scientist, tells a story about growing up in the hills of Southern California. She and her brother and their friends, 10 or 11 at the time, would go hiking by themselves, bringing along whistles to use in an emergency. One day, one of the kids fell, and they were forced to use the whistles. “My father came bounding up the hill, Paul Bunyan-like, running to see what was wrong,” Fran remembered. “You could tell he’d been listening. People these days might think it was negligent parenting. But it taught us to have a sense of adventure and independence.” Listening to Fran, I could tell that experience — even the memory of it — was liberating. It’s not “perfect,” but it’s pretty close. Follow Dr. Peggy Drexler on Twitter: www.twitter.com/drpeggydrexler
http://madamenoire.com/187969/papa-pains-signs-you-may-have-daddy-issues/ PAPA PAINS: Signs You May Have “Daddy Issues” June 16, 2012 | By Brooke Dean 33 Comments
I’m sure we’ve all heard the term “Daddy’s Girl” – you know…that “Princess” who was spoiled rotten by her father and has him wrapped around her little finger. Most women fortunate enough to have a special relationship with their father wear that title as a badge of honor. But for others who weren’t as fortunate, they carry a different badge that reads: “Daddy Issues.” They say a woman has “daddy issues” when her behavior or mindset indicates that her father was either absent in her life completely, or physically present but emotionally unavailable. These issues can plague a young girl into adulthood, especially if she’s trying to compensate for the attention she may not have received from her father in her relationships. While a woman may seem to have it all together at first glance, there are certain characteristics women with daddy issues display – and if you’re not sure, the following may be a few of the signs. PREVIOUSNEXT PAGE 1of 5 PAPA PAINS: Signs You May Have “Daddy Issues” June 16, 2012 | By Brooke Dean 33 Comments
1. She Only Dates Older Men Some women who lacked a father growing up may find themselves solely attracted to older men. These older men then become the “father-figure” in their lives rather than a boyfriend. She looks to these men to care for and provide for her in order to feel a sense of security – which she lacked growing up from her own father. Dating older men is her subconscious yearning for fatherly love.
ADVERTISING 2. She’s Jealous and/or Overly Protective Most women who grew up without a father probably did so because their father left the home. No matter the reason, all she knows is her father abandoned her – and if she’s close to and adores her mother, she may be resentful that he abandoned her mother as well. In dating situations, she may be a bit jealous, clingy and overly protective of her man because she’s afraid he’ll leave just like her father did. After all, if a father can leave his daughter, certainly a regular Joe off the street can bounce with no warning. Thinking every man is capable of leaving may make her try to hold on to him that much harder, even when the relationship isn’t a healthy one. Then when her constant smothering becomes too much for him to handle, he leaves – and she says, “I told you so.” PREVIOUSNEXT PAGE PAPA PAINS: Signs You May Have “Daddy Issues” June 16, 2012 | By Brooke Dean 33 Comments
3. She Needs Constant Reassurance of Love or Affection Even if a woman’s father was physically present in her household, it’s possible for her to still feel unloved growing up. If you constantly question your man’s feelings for you, it could be because your father never hugged or kissed you or told you he loved you on a regular basis. If you’ve NEVER heard these words from your father, the feelings of insecurity run much deeper. Even if the man in your life shows or tells you how much he loves you, it may never be enough. If you feel that your man should shout from the mountain top that he loves you EVERY SINGLE DAY – and you feel inadequate or unloved if he doesn’t – then you may have daddy issues. PREVIOUSNEXT PAGE PAPA PAINS: Signs You May Have “Daddy Issues” June 16, 2012 | By Brooke Dean 33 Comments
4. She’s Promiscuous or Sexually Aggressive These women look to sex to fill the void left by her father. Most fathers teach their daughters to respect themselves and their bodies, so if he was never around to give this advice, she may feel that sex is power – and she uses it to gain the attention she lacked as a young girl. Unfortunately, what these women discover is that they can’t fill that void with jerks and jump-offs – she’ll only attract more men who are only interested in sex and who will disappoint her. It’s a cycle of emptiness that most women with daddy issues continue. PREVIOUSNEXT PAPA PAINS: Signs You May Have “Daddy Issues” June 16, 2012 | By Brooke Dean 33 Comments
5. She is a Serial Dater/Monogamist Some women can’t remain single because they’re constantly looking for a man to fill her father’s shoes. They move from boyfriend to boyfriend because being alone is their greatest fear. She can’t simply “be.” These women should take the time to get know themselves, therefore recognizing a pattern so that she can ultimately break it. It’s okay to be “man-less” – because in the end, no matter how many great men she dates, none of them will ever measure up because none of them will ever be her father. She has to learn to accept the past and forgive her father for his short- comings so that every man she meets doesn’t pay for his mistakes. There ARE men out there who are NOT like her father, and once she learns to love herself, she will see that she’s worthy of a good man. But until then, it’s okay to be single! http://www.systemiccoaching.com/sw_articles_eng/father_daughter_fixation. htm Daddy's Little Princess (Part 2) Father-Daughter Codependence © Martyn Carruthers Online Relationship Coaching, Counseling & Therapy We help people manage parental fixations and enmeshments. Continued from: Daddy's Princess - Part 1 Patterns of Love vs Patterns of Need It is right and wonderful that parents love their daughters - as daughters. But if a father loves his daughter as a special friend, or worse as a substitute for a partner, chaos and suffering will follow - perhaps for generations. Few girls can resist lonely, needy fathers - even angry, aggressive fathers. If a daughter feels that her mother does not appreciate her father enough, she may be irritated with her mother and try to give her father the love that her mother seems to withhold. A mother may react to this betrayal with anger, depression, anxiety or psychosomatic disease. Some mothers leave their families - perhaps not knowing why. They tell me that they would get sick or go crazy if they stay. Women who fixate on their fathers may be unable to maintain a partnership with men - unless a man acts like a substitute father ... or a substitute son! If a father treats his daughter as a special friend, or as a special enemy, his marriage may be the first casualty. His daughter can become the other woman in his life. Entangled daughters often seek immature men as substitutes for their fathers. A family may not confront this issue unless the daughter becomes depressed, addicted or suicidal - and maybe not even then. See Teenage Girl in Trouble. Such covert emotional incest can escalate to sexual incest. Father- daughter sexual incest accounts for about 30% of all child sexual abuse, although covert emotional incest is far more common. Or, if a daughter lacks an authentic father, a daughter may create a fantasy father, and bond to her fantasy. Although she may be Daddy's Princess, every princess wants to be a queen. My parents never took me seriously ... I was their baby. Since our sessions my family started treating me as an adult. Also, I started a relationship with a man who treats me like a real woman - for the first time ever. The last seven months have been wonderful and we plan to get married. Toronto, CanadaIf one parent tries to alienate the other in the mind of their child - this can lead to another set of unpleasant consequences, Parental Alienation. Princess in a Dark Tower After emotional incest, a daughter may suffer conflict. Part of her may communicate to Father: "YES - I'll be the special child-woman that you need!" Another part may say: "NO - I refuse. I withdraw or rebel until you accept me as your daughter!" The daughter may become moody and depressed. She cannot enjoy a healthy childhood - or later partnership. She may become fascinated by drugs, sex, New Age ideas and leaving home. (See Troubled Teenage Girl). If she perceives one parent as a victim, she may identify with the perceived victim and feel chronically angry. If a father expects his daughter to fulfill his needs, this confusion may lead to physical incest. The daughter's consequences may then include depression,suicide, psychosis and drug addiction. She may want to punish all men. People entangled with their parents are often obsessed with being special. Love is not enough - they want adoration. Entangled adults may become angry, anxious or depressed if people fail to respect how special they are. A need to be 'special' is a common cause of troubled relationships and emotional conflicts! If her parents do separate, the daughter may express her mother's anger to her father. Such a daughter may avoid her father until adolescence, when she may feel compelled to meet him. She may reject her mother and want to live with her father, or seek a partner who is like her father. (She may "protect" her father against other women). I tried to show my ex-wife how much I loved her, but she always compared me to her father. I could never compete with him and when I stopped trying we split. MontrealA bonded daughter may seek immature older men (substitutes for father), or avoid partnership - either by withdrawal (perhaps into a career, drugs or fantasies) or by shallow romances. She may only be attracted to unavailable men or she may decide that she is lesbian. Her risk of depression and anxiety increases as she ages. Daughter's Rebellion If father-daughter super-bonding is sanctioned by family and culture, a daughter's attempts to escape may incur both family and community wrath. The combination of parental, family, community and religious pressure can be extreme. Many women leave - some by suicide - rather than conform. When enmeshed daughters rebel against their fathers, the daughters may takepassive helpless-child roles, aggressive dominant-mother roles, or conflictedpassive-aggressive roles ... for the rest of their lives. Such daughters may rebel against all men. They may avoid partnership or only relate to immature men. They do not understand why their relationships "go bad", and they may distract themselves with work, food, alcohol, etc. Parent-child codependence is normal in southern Europe. My mother wished so much to be with my older brother, and my father was angry and dissatisfied. I was sent each day to 'humor father' after work - Mom told me how to please him. I said Yes and No to Father, as you describe and followed the patterns that you describe. I'm not sure that I'm not doing it still. My mother wanted to be with my brother, so, there was no betrayal, I think. MacedoniaThey may unconsciously minimize male attention with obesity, or with unattractive complexions or smells. Are they adult-girls? Are they child-women? Are they their mother’s rivals? Who are they? Emotions of Bonded Daughters A daughter who receives her father's inappropriate love will often experience strong, emotional conflicts and negative emotions: * Sadness about her lost childhood * Anger about emotional pressure from men * Fear of being rejected by men (can’t say “No”) * Anxiety of being controlled by men (can’t say “Yes”) Daughter's Relationship Cycles I had more boyfriends than any of my friends. I thought they were jealous when they said that I would never be happy with one man. By 34 I had had over 80 boyfriends. I was SICK of it - but any man was boring after a few weeks. Since our sessions ... I have been married for over a year ... I have a wonderful husband and a tiny baby girl. Thank you. PolandFollowing emotional incest, many young women follow a sad pattern: * She meets a man who reminds her of her father * The man becomes increasingly demanding and moody * She finds herself acting overly compliant or controlling * One or both may feel trapped, and seek distractions or affairs * She may sabotage their partnership and end it, and/or * They may create a codependent relationship, and/or * They may create or adopt a baby in an effort to re-create intimacy Does your helping professional even recognize emotional incest? My wife kept saying I was like her father. When I suggested that we get help, I thought she would explode. Since our sessions, we have changed enormously. She rarely acts like a little girl now - nor does she try to mother me. Instead she is the woman of my dreams. Croatia When you have suffered enough ... we are here. We help people untangle emotions and entanglements. Daddy's Princess - Part 1 . Teenager in Trouble Online Relationship Coaching, Counseling & Soulwork Therapy I thought you were just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1999- 2016 All rights reserved.https://youtu.be/6GP-PE3AKQg
https://goodmenproject.com/families/youre-not-your-daughters-handsome- prince/ You’re Not Your Daughter’s Handsome Prince November 26, 2011 by Hugo Schwyzer 92 Comments * 42SHARES * 29 * 0 * 0 * 0 * 6 * 7
Hugo Schwyzer explains how a dad who relies solely on emotional validation from his daughter (instead of his wife) might be causing unforeseen harm. My daughter Heloise is nearly three. She’s tall and talkative for her age, and a source of wonderment and delight to her mother and to me. But as cute and charming and funny as she is, she is no princess. Or, to put it more accurately, she may occasionally dress up as a princess–but I am not her prince. In August 2009, I posted a piece on my own blog, She’s got you wrapped around her finger•: fathers, daughters, and a variation on the myth of male weakness in which I noted the extraordinary number of folks who expressed to me their certainty that I would treat Heloise as a flawless angel whose whims I could not help but indulge. But there’s an even more troubling aspect of the father-daughter relationship that needs calling out. Becoming a parent for the first time in one’s forties has myriad advantages, not least that I’ve had the opportunity to watch a great many of my peers “do it all first.” (I have three high school friends of mine who are already grandparents.) And I’ve seen, a time or nine, an unhealthy triangulation occur with dads, moms, and their daughters. While the dangers of physical incest and abuse are real, there’s a kind of emotionally incestuous dynamic I’ve witnessed over and over between fathers and daughters, one in which dads seek from their daughters the validation and affirmation that they feel they are entitled to, but are not receiving from their wives. Little children adore their parents. Really, it’s a lovely thing to come home each day and be welcomed, as I invariably am, with gales of excited laughter and delight. My daughter’s love is an impressive thing to feel. No matter what has transpired during the day, no matter what I’ve said or done (or failed to say or do), Heloise seems to adore me. It’s a wonderful thing, and I eat it up with wonder and gratitude and delight. Sponsored by Laundry Made Easier LEARN MORE Of course, spouses aren’t the same as children. My wife loves me, a fact of which I blessedly have no doubt. But she most certainly doesn’t have me a on pedestal, doesn’t think I’m flawless, and doesn’t greet me with shrieks of joy everytime I walk into the house. Eira engages with me as a partner, and she challenges me and pushes me and asks me for things; I do the same for her. In a good marriage, iron sharpens iron, and the more friction in the sharpening process, the greater and more enduring the heat. Anyone who’s met my wife knows that she’s a tall, strong force of nature. (This is a woman who can dress down Israeli soldiers on patrol and make them blush apologetically. If you know the men and women of the IDF, you’ll know how astounding that is.) She loves me and she encourages me as I do her, but she doesn’t conceal her displeasure when she’s unhappy, and she doesn’t come rushing to me like something out of a Marabel Morgan book when I enter the house. Here’s the thing: some men play their daughters against their wives, mistakenly believing that the way in which their daughters see them (as heroic and perfect) is the way that their spouses ought to as well. If a man hasn’t done his “work”, he may find himself looking at his daughter, gazing up at him with adoration, and he may start (resentfully) to contrast his girl’s fierce and uncomplicated devotion with the somewhat less enthusiastic reception he may be getting from his overworked and exhausted wife. In most cases, this doesn’t mean the papa will turn to his daughter sexually, though it surely, tragically, maddeningly does happen more often than we like to think about. But he may find himself relying more and more on the affirmation he gets from his adoring baby girl. A wife’s affection needs to be earned anew each day; it requires a husband (I’m writing this, of course, from a heterosexist perspective) who can pull his weight in housework and childcare and the emotional maintenance of the family. Marriage is, as we are invariably reminded, hard work. Getting a small child to adore you is not anywhere near so difficult.Many husbands do tend to think that merely being married (or living together) entitles one to expressions of devotion from one’s partner.They buy into a myth about men and women, one that suggests that it’s a woman’s job to soothe, to affirm, to encourage, and to manage her husband’s emotions. Think of the execrable bestseller by Dr. Laura, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Dr. Laura often suggests that if a woman doesn’t validate “her man” well enough, then she’s to blame if he looks for that validation somewhere else. Men have needs, Dr. Laura insists, and the greatest need they have isn’t for sex, but for a woman’s affirmation and admiration. If they aren’t getting that from their wives, they will invariably find it from another woman. Men’s capacity to self-soothe is just as great as women’s, and women’s need for affirmation is just as great as men’s. That ought to be a given. But Dr. Laura does speak for a great many people who have bought into this delusionary understanding of what it is that men are entitled to. And men who do believe that they are being deprived of what is rightfully theirs may indeed go elsewhere. Disastrously, for fathers of daughters, that “elsewhere” may be to their little girl. Again, that doesn’t mean physical incest in every, or even most, instances. What it means is that a great many dads (and it wasn’t until I became a father to a girl myself that I realized how common this was) start to rely more and more on the simple intensity of their daughter’s love rather than doing the much more difficult work to remain connected with their wives. I’m certainly not saying every father of a daughter does this, but it is common — and if you ask the mothers of daughters, as I have, you’ll hear plenty of anecdotes about this. Princess culture is huge for little girls, as surely anyone who spends time around children between three and eight knows. I’m convinced that princess culture is in part fed by fathers’ longing for validation. After all, princesses need princes; giving your daughter her princess fantasy is a way for a man to feed his own longing to feel like a handsome prince, indispensable and heroic and good. The gulf between the “handsome prince” in his daughter’s eyes and the loved but decidedly imperfect man in his wife’s eyes grows greater and greater. All the more reason to do what more than one man I know has done, and spend one’s family time basking in a daughter’s affection — and then, after the kids have gone to bed, spend time compulsively using internet pornography. And of course, there’s almost no time spent actually engaging, face-to-face and eye-to-eye, with one’s wife. This doesn’t mean that we won’t ever let Heloise dress up as a princess. But it does mean that as devoted to my amazing, lovely, grace-filled daughter as I am, I’m very clear that in that relationship, validation needs to be a one-way street. Plenty of daughters grow up with a sense that they are somehow responsible for taking care of their fathers emotionally, for being the good and understanding woman in his life (as opposed to the mother/wife figure, who is invariably cast as judgmental and cold.) To do this to a daughter is child abuse, and I am determined not only not to do it myself, but to call out other fathers of daughters when I see the signs of what can only be called emotional incest. Heloise may or may not choose to play at being a princess as she gets a bit older. (We’ll neither forbid nor encourage it.) But in her little games, I will not play the part of the prince. I’m a father, and that is something utterly and wonderfully different. And if I need validation, I need to go and get it from my equal, my peer, and my partner — the spouse who will make me earn that validation, as she should. — photo: marismith/flickr Filed Under: Families, Featured ContentTagged With: dads, fatherhood, fathers, marriage, parenting, partnership, prince ss culture
About Hugo Schwyzer Hugo Schwyzer has taught history and gender studies at Pasadena City College since 1993, where he developed the college's first courses on Men and Masculinity and Beauty and Body Image. He serves as co-director of the Perfectly Unperfected Project, a campaign to transform young people's attitudes around body image and fashion. Hugo lives with his wife, daughter, and six chinchillas in Los Angeles. Hugo blogs at his website Leave a Reply 92 Comments on "You’re Not Your Daughter’s Handsome Prince" Top of Form
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Guest ella nufford
4 years 10 days ago in the above article the daughter’s age is merely 8-10 yrs. can anyone tell me if emotional incest can be performed by a divorced father on his 17-18 yr old daughter? please reply asap 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Danna
4 years 10 days ago Yes. See aagblog’s comment at the top of this string. Narcissists (pathologically immature people, stuck at the infantile level of emotional development, which then hardwires into physiological problems in the empathy and remorse centers in the barin), often do this to their children. Single mothers (or mothers whose husbands are abusers, therefore they do not get nurtured by their husbands) sometimes do it to their sons too. This is one of the methods the cycles of dysfunction are passed to the next generation. By definition, a married couple with shared children who’ve not been able to stay an intact family,… Read more » 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest ella nufford
4 years 10 days ago so what can a daughter(16-17 yrs) do on her part to solve this problem of emotional incest especially when her father is divorced or single if she is experiencing this thing in her family? i mean she obviously can’t talk to her father about this, saying “dad, stop incesting me emotionally.” mr. hugo has given a problem of fathers doing this to their daughters, but can anyone tell me how can a daughter avoid this on her part? please feel free to answer this question if anybody has come up with any ideas. 0 | REPLY Share
10 Signs You Are a 'Good Girl' & 10 Tips for Discovering Your 'Good Woman.' | elephant journal
4 years 8 months ago […] I’m noticing more and more these days that we women (my perfectionist, Virgo self included) have a hard time letting go of being a ‘good girl.’ You know, the one all in pink who sits quietly in church, never tells a lie and is the apple of daddy’s eye? […] 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Ned Hackwell
4 years 8 months ago Freddie Kruger and Holger Dick are the best. 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Amaranth
4 years 9 months ago Appears to me that, Hugo, here, as a father of a daughter, is writing about his thoughts on an experience he’s actually had himself. He’s not writing about out-of balance bonding between mothers and sons because that’s not an issue his life has called him to think about in the same way. This does not mean he’s denying that mothers do bad things, maybe exactly the same bad things. That just doesn’t happen to be the subject on his mind. I don’t see why that’s an issue. Writers do this all the time. I’m inclined to agree that you can’t… Read more » 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Liz
4 years 9 months ago Hi, Amaranth – Here’s one of those tedious, yet, nonetheless, valuable grammatical guidelines: When using the word, “this,” it’s a good practice to immediately identify for your readers WHAT your “this” is, so your readers can be certain about your intended meaning. For me, reading your post with interest, your unidentified “this” in your last two sentences in this post left me perplexed over your intended meaning. You write: “Frankly, I think some of the 1980s media hysteria re: sexual abuse of girls was driven by older women’s anxiety about this.” IF, for just one guess at your meaning there,… Read more » 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Amaranth
4 years 9 months ago Hi, Liz — See above. “This” meant, roughly, the whole dynamic I was describing, where older guys could be close to their daughters more easily than to their wives. On the “Sexual abuse is bad” front, we’re in agreement. 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Liz
4 years 9 months ago Hi, Amaranth — In “unpacking” your “this,” some interesting (I do NOT mean “interesting” in any sort of scientific way) and also some complicated issues emerge in what you have written about your view of intergenerational relationships at a certain time in history and also within your family of origin. In my view, electrical engineering has little or nothing whatsoever to do with what you have described as a husband who is no longer “hanging out” with his wife, and a wife who is distressed over her husband’s detachment from her. I can’t imagine you really believe that an electrical… Read more » 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Danna
4 years 9 months ago Love your analysis. Makes sense to me. One thing you’re wrong on: Sexual abuse of girls is not driven by older women’s anxiety. In addition, much sexual abuse is under reported. I have a friend who’s bravely detailed her teen date rape on fb, citing she didn’t exactly realize she’d been raped (due to her own taking responsibility for her own drinking alcohol that night, plus she wasn’t a virgin), until a guy friend, years later (who was helping her with displaced anger and acting out), told her to stop blaming herself – she’d been raped by someone who knew… Read more » 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Amaranth
4 years 9 months ago Whooo, sorry, that was indeed ambiguous, and the thing I actually meant is not that older women’s anxiety drove sexual abuse. Don’t think that at all, can’t picture it happening. What I meant was: Frankly, I think some of the 1980s MEDIA HYSTERIA re: sexual abuse of girls was driven by older women’s anxiety about FATHERS BEING CLOSER TO THEIR DAUGHTERS THAN THEY WERE TO THEIR WIVES. (Sorry for the shouty all-caps, I can’t do italics or underline.) To be clear, by “Media Hysteria” I don’t mean to suggest that there isn’t a real problem with sexual abuse — just… Read more » 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Danna
4 years 9 months ago Oops. Failed to delete my last word salad sentence. Editor – if you can. please do. Thanks! 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Liz
4 years 11 months ago I recognize — from my disastrous experiences dating a couple different single dads of teenage daughters — that emotional incest is a real problem. However, I disagree agree with this author’s presumption that unconditional love is not necessarily available to a spouse – whether male or female — from the other spouse. Don’t get married if you are not madly in love and you don’t adore your spouse above all others. Don’t get married if you are not able and willing to demonstrate to your spouse your love and admiration freely, easily and often. 0 | REPLY Share
Guest wellokaythen
5 years 18 days ago I think in this case Hugo is onto something. I don’t know how common this father-wife-daughter triad is, but it sounds perfectly plausible to me. I think we would all agree that there are parents who use their children as leverage, intermediaries, or substitutes in all sorts of ways. This sounds like one more case of that. I think there’s another facet of this. If a girl is raised to put her father on a pedestal and adore him as something superhuman, that sets up a huge fall when she starts to get older and sees that her parents are… Read more » 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Eric. M.
5 years 18 days ago This is a manufactured issue to pick on men. Where/when has any relationship expert documented this supposed father/daughter issue as being the cause of a large percentage of major problems between husbands and wives, but not the same mother/son issue? 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Danna
4 years 11 months ago Eric M. – Actually, the mother/son issue causes more problems than the father/daughter issue, however, both can be traced back to husbands not loving their wives properly. I cited the dysfunctional mother/son issue in a prior port on this thread. 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Eric M
4 years 11 months ago “both can be traced back to husbands not loving their wives properly.” So, all marital problems are 100% because of “husbands not loving their wives properly?” That could only be true if all wives are literally perfect. What evidence do you have to substantiate that? 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Danna
4 years 10 months ago Chromosomal gender differences -> gender differences biochemistry and physiology, including the differences in biochemistry and neurophysiology of the brain. There are areas of the brian, when taken out in isolation, men and women look like different species. In male/female bonded by sex and especially by shared children relationships, testosterone dominance dictates a nature as initiator and provider. Estrogen / progesterone dominance dictates a nature as responder and nurturer. This has been reinforced by natural selection for eons. (In the workplace or academia, women initiate just fine – the dynamic I’m describing is purely in application to the heterosexual marriage relationship,… Read more » 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Lars
5 years 21 days ago Here I thought that the common problem was that men tend to be emotionally withdrawn, and that children often miss the intimate contact with their fathers. And yet Hugo adds his voice to the chorus telling fathers not to get too close to their children, waving around that vague suspicion on pedophilia for men who “like their children too much”. Don’t buy it, fellas. Shower your girls (and boys) with love. It’s one thing kids can never have to much of. 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Jean
4 years 11 months ago That’s not what he said. Don’t pretend you all don’t understand his article. He did an excellent job . 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Danna
5 years 20 days ago Lars, with the proper underlying motivations, absolutely yes, shower children with love and nurturing. Love and cherish does, indeed, influence both male and female children to make choices that will help them become caring, responsible adults. The issue that Hugo cites: Skipping over one’s wife or husband and developing the much easier love/cherish relationship with one’s children, at the detriment of one’s marriage relationship (which comes drip by drip, until the marriage goes over the cliff), is something to be careful and aware of. So, this falls into the category of Good Things, Taken Too Far, Can Become Bad. (An… Read more » 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Lars
5 years 18 days ago If I had a penny for all the things I’ve heard we have to do / stop doing / change to counter the growing divorce rates, I’d be a rich man. But the problem is always the same – no real argument is presented. Look, you can’t just point to “growing divorce rates” or “growing rates of sexual abuse” as a proof that one should not love children too much, without presenting even the slightest argument that the two are linked. As it is, you have presented absolutely nothing to argue that one is the cause of the other. As… Read more » 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Danna
5 years 18 days ago Lars, you miss the point entirely in my citing something which lead to the Holocaust. You also miss the point in the cause of growing divorce rates – it is that spouses skip over each other and love a variety of other people and things more than they do each other. (It’s NOT that loving one’s children causes divorce.) No where does anyone state that child care should be the sole domain of women. Caring for children should be a team effort, and the optimal nurturing and security for children is accomplished by their biological parents who remain marriage to… Read more » 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Megalodon
5 years 20 days ago “So, this falls into the category of Good Things, Taken Too Far, Can Become Bad. (An example is peace at all costs, becomes appeasement, like Chamberlain’s enabling of Hitler -> 6 million Jews’ death.) ” Godwin’s Law is vindicated again. 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Eric M
5 years 20 days ago “The issue that Hugo cites: Skipping over one’s wife or husband and developing the much easier love/cherish relationship with one’s children, at the detriment of one’s marriage relationship (which comes drip by drip, until the marriage goes over the cliff), is something to be careful and aware of.” If this were truly how it was presented, I doubt if anyone would have much of an argument. But, the argument isn’t presented in a balanced, rational way. It’s got the trademark anti-male prejudiced spin, obscuring any potential valid thought. Any argument wrapped in prejudice and will lose any value it may have. 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Danna
5 years 20 days ago Typo: Jews’ deaths (not death). 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Danna
5 years 22 days ago Yesterday, I posted a comment answering Eric M’s question, with some current evidence, (a new article about a Univ. of Utah professor, and father of 2, who was watching child porn in first class on a Delta flight), but it’s still awaiting moderation (unfortunately). Hopefully my post will be cleared and then visible. It will render Linguist’s (false) assumption that Eric M. nailed me, inaccurate. This is not a contest, btw. It is not about winning. It’s about bringing the truth of up-til-now hidden abuses and their lag time effects to the table, so that light can be shone, and… Read more » 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Megalodon
5 years 20 days ago “Hopefully my post will be cleared and then visible. It will render Linguist’s (false) assumption that Eric M. nailed me, inaccurate.” Your post came through, and no, it does not render Linguist’s assumption false. The latest sordid headline about one alleged pervert on a plane does not prove your point about some widespread trend among fathers. “I’ve collected dozens of case studies and testimonies from around the globe. I have first hand knowledge and experience with several.” How much is “several”? Unless you are going to share or be more specific about these “studies” and “testimonies” and what evidence they… Read more » 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Andrew Pari
5 years 23 days ago Great post, Hugo. I see this dynamic play out in much of the family work I’ve done. As others said, I do see it on the other side too: mothers using sons to meet their needs. I do think the potential sexual dynamic is different, given how women are sexualized globo-socially, resulting in greater levels of father-daughter incest. But that’s aside from the point you are making. Anytime a child is used to feed the emotional soul of a parent/adult, there are negative results. 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Liz
4 years 9 months ago Single-parent families, especially, create an emotional environment in which human beings are prone to unintentionally slip into such distorted and confusing cross-generational relationships. 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Danna
5 years 23 days ago The Pressmans of Rhode Island, who wrote “The Narcissistic Family, Diagnosis and Treatment,” cite that parents who require their children to meet their adult emotional needs (which is the opposite of the proper order of things – it’s parents who should be nurturing their children), end up creating the next generation of narcissists. The children are, in essence, used up….drained….their cores are not infilled. And then, these empty cores become encapsulated as they age. Voila. Narcissists beget narcissists. 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest CW
5 years 22 days ago I haven’t read that book but thank you for the very interesting info. 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Beste
5 years 22 days ago Narcissists beget narcissists 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest CW
5 years 20 days ago sorry, confused by what you mean by your reply. I found the information that Danna referenced in her post to be thought provoking and interesting so I thanked her for it. 0 | REPLY Share
Princes, Princesses, and Mothers-in-Law at GMP | Hugo Schwyzer
5 years 23 days ago […] You’re Not Your Daughter’s Handsome Prince (Against Emotional Incest) […] 0 | REPLY Share
Guest CW
5 years 23 days ago I’m not buying the statement that Hugo knows men who spend their family time basking in their daughter’s affection then compulsively using internet porn all night. Guy 1- “so Bob, how was your evening?” Guy 2- “Pretty good Mark! I selfishly let my daughter lavish me with affection then went on a 6 hour 4Loko fueled porn bender after she went to bed!” Does ANYONE have conversations like this? We’re treading into the realm of the ridiculous. 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Danna
5 years 23 days ago It’s ridiculous to you only because you must not have intersected with this type of behavior. (That makes you lucky.) It’s way more prevalent than you think. (Except men who do this don’t confer with each other about it. They do it under the radar for the most part.) 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Eric M.
5 years 23 days ago “It’s way more prevalent than you think. (Except men who do this don’t confer with each other about it. They do it under the radar for the most part.)” If this statement is true, what is your evidence? Or, did they just teach you this in Gender Studies? 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Linguist
5 years 22 days ago haha. nailed. 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Danna
5 years 23 days ago I’ve collected dozens of case studies and testimonies from around the globe. I have first hand knowledge and experience with several. Here’s an article from today. This guy is a father of 2 and a professor at Univ. of Utah. The porn use is getting way out of control today. So is child sexual abuse and human trafficking. Human trafficking is not just in Asia. There’s plenty homegrown. Porn On Plane: Man Accused Of Watching Child Porn On Flight http://www.huffingtonpost.com A Utah man has been accused of watching child porn on a Delta flight from Salt Lake City to Boston… Read more » 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Eric M.
5 years 22 days ago Sorry but I cant’ find any evidence here that quantifies your statement. All you’ve listed is a story of one accused man (although he denies it). But, even if he’s guilty, that doesn’t show that he fits the description in this male-bashing article. 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Jean
4 years 11 months ago Eric, don’t be ridiculous. This happens every day. Men are always blogging on the web about the special relationships they think they have with their daughters. They totally leave their wives out of their conversations and activities. You all know it’s the truth. If men wouldut on their big boy pants and do what they are supposed to do, act like a man, love and honor their wives, then they would not need to lean all over their daughters and cheat with other women. But because a man’s heart is so selfish, and he is afraid of showing emotion, compassion,… Read more » 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Eric M
4 years 11 months ago Jean, Based on your statement, your evidence is based on selected blog postings and your own opinion. Got it. 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Megalodon
5 years 23 days ago “I will not play the part of the prince. I’m a father, and that is something utterly and wonderfully different.” Don’t worry. When she is a sullen and hostile teenager, there will be no risk of her thinking of you as a prince. 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Liz
4 years 9 months ago Touche! Pretty funny and true, too, M! 0 | REPLY Share
Are Women Hardwired to Compete With Their Mothers-in-Law? | Every1 Let's Talk
5 years 24 days ago […] last column, You’re Not Your Daughter’s Handsome Prince focused on father-daughter relationships, warning my fellow dads against seeking emotional […] 0 | REPLY Share
Are Women Hardwired to Compete With Their Mothers-in-Law? — The Good Men Project
5 years 24 days ago […] last column, You’re Not Your Daughter’s Handsome Prince focused on father-daughter relationships, warning my fellow dads against seeking emotional […] 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Danna
5 years 24 days ago Lots of resistance to change for the better in the above comments. Commentators also take the opportunity to disparage – another technique to resist change. Hugo points out something important. He writes from his own perspective as a husband and father. A father helps grow female narcissists when he takes the path of least resistance and skips over his wife to give his best self to his daughters. I agree that mothers should be equally as careful to not lean on their sons as pseudo-husbands. Many a future daughter-in-law will thank that mother if she is able to maintain healthy… Read more » 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Jean
4 years 11 months ago Danna, please don’t let these males, get you to turn on women, when this blog is really about men and daughters. Sister girl, please be strong and keep focused. These men are angry because their male pride has been attacked. Don’t turn it around on women. We will discuss women on another page. 0 | REPLY Share
Guest A Concerned MRA
5 years 25 days ago I’m waiting on the creation of the Total Douchebag Speaks column, where we can stash this asswipe’s garbage. 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Jean
4 years 11 months ago Wow, what hot tempers some of us have. Please don’t use offensive language on this blog. 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Linguist
5 years 24 days ago hear hear. 0 | REPLY Share
Guest abc123
5 years 25 days ago Thank you for writing this. I believe this type of behavior is a manifestation of the objectification of women and girls, and that we are so immersed in this culture that many men have never learned to relate to a woman as a human/emotional peer, instead holding women to an ideal of perpetual beauty and kindness. A pretty little thing or an object that exists solely to make him feel good. 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Eric M.
5 years 25 days ago As a father of daughters and long time husband of my first and only wife, I can’t begin to explain how ridiculous and misandristic this opinion is. 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Danna
4 years 10 months ago Eric: Your key words: “…my first and only wife…” I applaud you. You most likely are loving your wife and daughters just fine, and in the proper amounts and order of priorities, which is why you can’t relate to that which Hugo writes. It will take a leap of empathy to believe that a component of many divorces is a husband’s taking the path of least resistance to get his emotional needs met by his daughter’s worship, (as daughters do), instead of by continuing to woo his wife, which is much harder. 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Liz
4 years 9 months ago A lot of distorted weirdness in that presumptive remark, “much harder” for a man to woo his wife . . . You make it sounds as if wives are battle axes! You make it sound as if fathers find pleasure in courting their own child. I disagree with your point of view of husbands and wives. 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Danna
4 years 9 months ago Hmmm, interesting that your filters conjured that wooing a wife is inherently more difficult than gaining the worship of daddy’s little girl -> wife = battle axe. Not at all. It’s just that a wife is a husband’s peer, and so she most likely will not be rushing to the front door in her tutu, twirling and squealing, “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Pick me up!!!” This same daughter (and the father) has the mother’s (and wife’s) total support in developing this father/daughter relationship. It’s nurtured by the mother, in part, because good mothers know how important the (fit) father’s attention is… Read more » 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Liz
4 years 9 months ago Danna – I wonder why you imagine that a wife, a role you reasonably describe as a “husband’s peer,” would NOT rush to the front door to greet her mate, perhaps even to throw her arms around his neck and to whisper into his ear, “Darling! Darling! Darling! Make love to me!” I think it’s sad that your view of the role of wife — or of husband – appears to exclude enthusiastic ardor. And I can’t imagine why you believe “The wife has no one supporting the nurturing of her relationship with her husband.” WHY do you believe that… Read more » 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Jean
4 years 11 months ago Don’t be upset Eric. There is much truth behind this. Hugo makes a great point. He is not saying anything wrong. We just hate to admit how dad/husband’s ego needs to be exalted by wife or daughter, and made to be the center of attention, lest he gets his feeelings hurt. When the man feels he has not been exalted, he decides that it is his wife and then daughter’s fault and so he will cheat. Look at the Purity Balls, walking daughter down the aisle, boyfriend asking girl’s father for hand in marriage, dad inviting himself in delivery room… Read more » 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Eric M
4 years 11 months ago Jean, What factual data do you have to make such blanket statements about men? “Look at the Purity Balls,” Let’s do that. Since you use “Purity Balls” to support your argument, you will need to show that a large percentage of men force their daughters to participate in Purity Balls. What data do you have to prove that a majority fathers force their daughters to attend Purity Balls? “walking daughter down the aisle” My wife and I walked down together but my daughters want me to walk them down the aisle should they choose to get married. You see, it’s… Read more » 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Jean
4 years 4 months ago @Eric re: Jan 21012 post I have first hand knowledge that men have been in the delivery room when their daughters gave birth. A few of them eased into the room. One incident, the dad was outside of the door and leaned in looking into the room and could see everything. Bold violation of daughter’s boundaries. A woman is sometimes out of it, and is not aware of who enters the room. If…..if…. if you were a female, that has delivered, you would know that Eric.Speak what you know Eric !!! , Besides, why would a man accept his daughter’s… Read more » 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Eric M.
4 years 4 months ago Jean, I have first hand knowledge that brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, male and female cousins, grandparents, neighbors and unrelated videographers have been in the delivery room, all with the express permission of the patient. You see, it really doesn’t matter whether you (or I) disapprove. It only matters what the patient approves. “One incident, the dad was outside of the door and leaned in looking into the room and could see everything. Bold violation of daughter’s boundaries.” It doesn’t matter who it was, it would have been a violation. What is your evidence that that is common? ”Speak what you… Read more » 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Jean
4 years 10 months ago You are right Eric, it is not 1950 anymore. So since it is not 1950 anymore, you men cannot take females’ rights away. Females can show their legs, vote, work, etc. Females have just now begun to realize what unfair plight you men have kept us in for years. We were like prisoners locked in dark rooms with males having the door keys, who let us out to cook, clean, feed our children, and lay down at your feet and recite ” O worthy Masters”, we realize that we are at fault for being female and we ask your forgiveness… Read more » 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Eric M
4 years 10 months ago LOL!! Th It’s 2012. Why not join us? 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Danna
4 years 10 months ago Dean of the Rotman School of Management at the University of Toronto, Roger Martin, was speaking on design thinking when he shared: “The two most dangerous two words to innovation are ‘prove it,’ because nothing new can be proven in advance. It can only be proven over the passage of time.” This idea, meant to be applied to business innovation, can be applied to all paradigm shift needs, including gaining clarity on how important a husband’s and father’s love, cherish, respect, and authenticity, in it’s proper order and amount, is. 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Liz
4 years 9 months ago Donna — I concur with your remarks about the value of a father’s love. However, I don’t see why you imagine an understanding of that value has anything to do with any “paradigm shift.” The lifelong value to a girl from the love of a good dad is nothing new whatsoever. 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Eric M.
4 years 10 months ago Statistically, 0% of marriages end in divorce because fathers are too close to their children. Hence, the writer’s entire philosophy here is out of touch with reality or motivated by something other than a desire to help fathers. LACK of closeness and support is far, far, far more likely to cause marital strife than too much. 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Liz
4 years 9 months ago My marriage ended due to my husband’s too-close relationship with his daughter, Elizabeth, my teenage stepdaughter. She had lived alone with her dad for a few years after he divorced her mother. In those years before he married a second time, Elizabeth had in many ways assumed the role of her father’s mate, and it had been her choice to move away from her hometown so to live with her father following her parents divorce, rather than to remain with her mother. Once Elizabeth graduated high school and moved on in her life, to college and independence, her father (by… Read more » 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Danna
4 years 10 months ago Eric, I respectfully disagree, however, you are somewhat more correct when it comes to a father loving his daughters (appropriately) over a father loving his sons, as a counter indicator that the marriage will end in divorce. Reason: A marker of a male abuser / narcissistic sociopathic husband is his heavily favoring male children. Also, there’s no one keeping statistics on this. Any stats on this subject would be anecdoctal, and not “scientific.” 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Eric M.
4 years 10 months ago Reasons for divorce are published in quite a few places. If closeness to children was a cause above 0%, there would be evidence of it somewhere but there isn’t. “Reason: A marker of a male abuser / narcissistic sociopathic husband is his heavily favoring male children.” The same is true of female abuser narcissistic sociopathic wives w/r/t to female children. 0 | REPLY Share
Guest budmin
5 years 24 days ago Don’t worry about it Eric, only a single college student could come up with an idea that stupid. This article has its merits but I don’t appreciated the shift from the diagnosis of a common error made by joyful fathers to becoming a sanctimonious crusade against EVIL FATHERS THAT LOVE THEIR DAUGHTERS TOO MUCH (wink, wink) “To do this to a daughter is child abuse, and I am determined not only not to do it myself, but to call out other fathers of daughters when I see the signs of what can only be called emotional incest.” I would have… Read more » 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Eric M.
5 years 25 days ago So, this has nothing to do with fathers relationship with their sons or daughters. If there is a problem in the marriage, it will be manifested in other ways. 0 | REPLY Share
Guest MediaHound
5 years 25 days ago “And if I need validation, I need to go and get it from my equal, my peer, and my partner — the spouse who will make me earn that validation, as she should.” It’s all about external validation? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cbk980jV7Ao The piece is interesting but addresses only one combination across a complex dynamic. I suppose the flip side is that sons should also not be used by mothers as a husband/spouse replacement? Daddy is working late – give me a hug! I’ve seen that happen just as often! There can be a particular prevalence linked to domestic abuse, with the child… Read more » 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Jean
4 years 10 months ago Media Hound, stop taking the light away from men. 0 | REPLY Share
Editor Lori Day
5 years 24 days ago I’m not a huge fan of Freud, but a lot of people give credence to BOTH the Oedipus Complex and the Electra Complex. I saw both at play in my family growing up. 0 | REPLY Share
Guest MJH88
5 years 25 days ago Mediahound, I think it is an interesting aspect to bring up the relation between sons and fathers, daughters and mothers. However, I don’t think the emotional validation that is sought by giving a daughter her princess fantasy is at work in a relation of the parent and child of the same sex. If there is any kind of skewed relation between child and parent going on here I think it manifests itself when the parent of the same sex as the child tries to live vicariously through that child. When a mother makes her child go to dance classes and… Read more » 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest MediaHound
5 years 25 days ago MJ – I noted that you made comment on all combinations of parent/child other than mothers and sons! I did make THAT point quite clear. I covered all bases – including intergenerational. You didn;t come anywhere near addressing the questions – “I suppose the flip side is that sons should also not be used by mothers as a husband/spouse replacement?” I do see your points – but as I did point out, it does NOT depend on the gender of the parent or of the child – using a child either deliberately or unwittingly as an emotional surrogate or crutch… Read more » 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Joanna Schroeder
5 years 25 days ago This calls to mind one of my least favorite aspects of one of my very most favorite movies: The Philadelphia Story. Katharine Hepburn’s character, Tracy, has a philandering father of whom she’s dreadfully ashamed. She’s even more aghast at her mother for not completely disowning a husband who is famously sleeping with a “dancer”… This all makes sense to me, until her father comes back into town and verbally eviscerates his daughter for being the cause of his adultery, as she was such a cold and heartless daughter, with no devotion or unconditional admiration for him. If he’d had a… Read more » 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Robert Engley
5 years 22 days ago Thank you, Joanna, for bringing up The Philadelphia Story. I’m a literary/cultural critic and teacher who is getting more and more into cinema now. As my scholarship often deals with gender/sexuality, I’m always pleased to find a book or movie that can help me in my work and my understanding of the way the world works. 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Janet Dell
5 years 25 days ago Oh man, you got to love when people starting quoting movies as the basis of their beliefs. Joanna, it is a movie, iow , it isn’t real. Why would you equate a movie (fiction) to something in reality. 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Indrani
5 years 24 days ago Movies often tend to be a mirror of the broader culture or society, so it’s not totally unheard of to use pop culture as a comparison to how people relate to each other in real life. 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Laura
5 years 25 days ago Excellent article, so true! Some men often seek for validation from their daughters and the image of “daddy´s litlle girl”. As I grew up I realized in certain way that I wouldn´t be my dad´s “young wife” (speccially once he got divorced) . 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Liz
4 years 9 months ago Laura – Reading your note about your intentional choice NOT to assume the role of your father’s “young wife,” following his divorce (from your mom?), I thought of U.S. Sen. John Edwards’ oldest daughter, Cate. It was astonishing to me to observe how, following the death of her mother, Elizabeth, Cate repeatedly appeared in public at the side of her scandalous father, just as if Cate had assumed the role of ever-loyal political spouse, a role that even Elizabeth did not assume during her lifetime. It was nice to see that late last year Cate married. I hope she enjoys… Read more » 0 | REPLY Share
Guest aagblog
5 years 25 days ago I saw my ex-husband starting to do this with our daughter. He literally said to her, “Since your mom isn’t going to be calling me every day while I’m on this business trip, I’d like you to do it instead.” Even more problematically, he asked her to “help” him keep track of calories and give him encouragement when he was trying to lose weight. In both cases I explained why those things were putting too much pressure — and inappropriate pressure — on her, and he did stop immediately. For which I’m grateful, because as you said, this kind of… Read more » 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Liz
4 years 9 months ago Aagblog — I’m just curious. Were you still married to this fella when you disregarded his desire to receive a phone call from home every day that he was away on a business trip? L. 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest gwf3
4 years 4 months ago Liz, tell us you are kidding. Men normally don’t want their women to be overbearing, so why the sudden change. When he is at home, he doesn’t want her to nag him, so why now?????? 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Oliver
4 years 2 months ago Nagging is different from affection, nagging is trying to manipulate someone into doing something by domination. I tell you do. 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Danna
4 years 8 months ago Liz, I get your bent – that wives contribute to a marriage breakdown by taking for granted their roles to nurture their husbands’ interests, which, in turn, will keep these husbands bonded to them (the wives). Indeed, spiral downs happen in a marriage, and each marriage partner contributes to that swirl down the sink, however, I submit that the issue is not chicken and egg, and not 50/50. Instead, it’s more like dominoes, and the husband/wife responsibility, on average, is more like 75/25. (Note I say, on average. There’s always outliers on any bell curve.) Problem is that wives lose… Read more » 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Jean
1 year 11 months ago Wonderful. Wonderful!!! Please update this blog. I have really enjoyed reading here 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Beryl
1 year 11 months ago Sorry this is 2 years ago, but I must say, thatI love you Danna, platonically. I love my man the other way. (ha ha ha )Thank you …, thank you …. Thank you. What you wrote was so needed. It is indeed time to stop blaming wives. 0 | REPLY Share
Guest Oliver
4 years 2 months ago Sounds like you’re entitled yourself wanting him to initiate everything. Have you pushed him away, I think that’s the case most of the time when a man closes himself off. At some point being nice to your wife only makes her resent you more. 0 | REPLY ShareHIDE REPLIES ?
Guest Danna
4 years 10 days ago Oliver, no, not at all. It should be mutual initiating. Taking turns. BUT, what happens in immature people’s minds is they disorder the actual facts: An immature person thinks he or she has done much more initiating than he or she actually has. And, an immature person will initiate acts that they, themselves want, instead of initiating acts their partner wants – a type of projection. HOWEVER, it is true, in the case his wife is also a mother of his children, in order for a husband to catch up to her boost in other-centeredness, created by having to care… Read more » 0 | REPLY Share
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201107/when- parents-make-children-their-friend-or-spouse When Parents Make Children Their Friend or Spouse my mother, my mate Posted Jul 24, 2011 * SHARE
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When my parents divorced, thirty years ago, my younger brother was the only one of the five kids who hadn't gone of to college yet. As the "only child" at home, my mother leaned on him heavily and, as so many lonely parents do, she turned him in to her surrogate husband. My brother spent the next three decades of his life anticipating and meeting my mother's needs. He even went so far as to live next door to her so that he could be close enough to her if and when she called but have a sense of separation too. After all, he had a wife and daughter who needed him at home. Making a child the stand in for the spouse you lost, be it through divorce or death, is not unusual. It happens all the time. From a Family Systems perspective, this dynamic makes perfect sense. When one member of the system leaves, another one will step up and take its place. This is nature's way of maintaining a sense of balance. The scientific term for this phenomenon is "homeostasis." Additionally, nature hates a vacuum so when a space as large as a mother or father becomes vacant, something or someone will unconsciously and automatically want to fill it. Those who are using their children to get their emotional needs met may believe that the new arrangement is a good one because they believe everyone benefits. They get their needs met and, as they see it, their children benefit because they get to feel useful and loved. The adults may not realize that there are many more negative impacts on children who are parentified than positive. Asking a child to play the role of an adult and it is a heavy burden for most children. In many cases, the troubles shared with children (who don't have the coping skills or life experience to know how to deal with them) leave the child feeling hopeless and helpless. Rather than augmenting a child's self-esteem, the constant feeling of futility can lead to lower self worth. It's not only parents imposing this role on their children. Some children see what is needed (or at least what they think is needed) and offer to fill the spot. For every story I hear about a parent leaning too heavily on a child, I hear about a child who wants to be seen as "the man of the house now," or "dad's caretaker." How the Surrogate Spouse Role Impacts a Child's Adult Relationships This level of parent-child enmeshment fosters unhealthy codependence. The child who was trained so well to anticipate the needs of its parent will, without awareness or intervention, carry this trait on into his or her adult relationships. A daughter who later becomes a wife may suppress her own needs and not speak her own truth in her marriage. This in turn leads her into toxic rages or might cause her to act out by having an affair. Because she was trained not to ask for what she needed, it never occurred to her to do so. Meanwhile, she merely had to state what she needed and her husband would have responded positively. A son may grow up with a pattern of setting himself up to be a doormat by doting on his partner who is only to happy to have a one-sided relationship. Those with learned helpessness may become chronic underearners and those with an over inflated need to please may unconsciously turn into workaholics. How to Avoid The Parentification Trap Turning your eleven-year-old or, for that matter, your 17-year-old, into your mate, friend or equal is known as "parentifying" him. I can think of no circumstance where it is of any benefit to anyone in the long run. It is unequivocally an indication that the adult in the family is not getting her needs met sufficiently. Understanding the signs of what some professionals refer to as Emotional Incest or Surrogate Spouse Syndrome can prevent life-long damage to the children who otherwise have no choice but to be there for their needy parent. Here are a few signs that you may be leaning too heavily on your son or daughter: 1. You forego plans with friends or peers to attend events with and for your child; 2. You tell your child more about the marriage or divorce than you tell friends or peers; 3. You don't go to therapy or seek professional help despite intense emotions because you have your child to lean on; ARTICLE CONTINUES AFTER ADVERTISEMENT 4. You often tell your child how much they have helped you and that "you don't know what you'd do without them;" 5. Your child foregoes plans with friends or peers to attend events with and for you; 6. Your child asks questions about your marriage or divorce. If you have any of these dynamics in your parent-child relationship, my recommendation is that you seek professional support as soon as possible to change it. You will get more adequate and appropriate help and your child will be able to have healthier, age-appropriate relationships. Suggested Reading: -Silently Seduced: When Parents Make their Children Partners, Understanding Covert Incest, by Kenneth M. Adams, Ph.D., Health Communications, Deerfield Beach, FL (1991) -The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life, by Dr. Patricia Love - When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment, Kenneth Adams and Alexander Morgan
https://narcissisticmil.wordpress.com/tag/surrogate-spouse/ Tag Archives: surrogate spouse JULY 11, 2014 · 7:47 PM Parentification and your Spouse A couple of readers have specifically requested some information about the overlapping phenomena of parentification and for want of a better phrase, spousification. A disordered mother can flip between two unhelpful states when relating to her offspring; one treats them as helpless and dependent (infantilisation), the other puts them in the position of parent or in the case of a mother and her golden son, surrogate spouse. Both of these ways of relating to your adult child are dysfunctional. A healthy way of relating would be to recognise the adult child as autonomous and capable while at the same time respecting the mother-child dynamic and not subverting it. A child can never parent their own parent. That state of unconditional love and nurturance should not be passed up the generations and children cannot compensate for the NPD mother’s lack of adequate parenting, but she will try. Parentifying There are two ways of parentifying a child. The first is in practical terms, the child or adult child takes on responsibility for task, chores and actions that the adult parent should be managing. This may occur in a family where the parent is too drunk or unavailable to perform the tasks associated with running a home. So one elder child becomes the adult instead and takes their siblings to school, runs the bath, put them to bed, pays the bills. This tends not to happen so much with a narcissistic mother who probably closely controls everything about running the household. The second way is for the child to become an emotional support for the adult. An NPD mother will use their children in this way as they see their kids as being there for them in whatever capacity they need at the time. They do not see how fulfilling their needs can possibly be to the detriment of the child. Using the child for emotional support or emotional intimacy is just another way of them showing how much they love mummy. This should never happen. Adults should be emotional supports for children and should use other adults for friendship or reassurance, as confidants or mediators in family situations. When the mother starts to use her children to talk about her problems with her partner, about adult topics they cannot possibly comprehend, to intervene in matters such as finances or sex, as a go between or message carrier in a row then she is parentifying the child. Over the long term emotional parentifying produces very distorted boundaries in the child. They either have none and have a hard time knowing what they want in life rather than what the parent wants and look to other people to see how they should feel or think. Or the other extreme is achieved and the child is so used to carrying the burden of their parent’s emotions they have rigid boundaries and keep people at arms length, afraid of emotional intimacy and unable to ask for help or express their own needs. I see both of these patterns in my husband’s family, he adopted the first and his sister has the second. My MIL was quite used to using my adult husband as her emotional confidant. She would ring up and offload all her problems onto him making him feel crap and never doing the same in return. Often her gripes would involve derogatory references to his father whom she left and divorced. In the end my husband did what all people who find themselves in this situation should do and set firm boundaries. He told her to stop talking to him about his dad or he’d hang up the phone and pointed out how much of her conversation with him was about her problems and feelings of upset and indignation. I went further, I told her to stop using my husband as her therapist. I think if you are married to the daughter of a narcissistic mother you may well find the emotional parentifying is strongest. I know of one couple where the mother not only was at breakfast with the newly married couple the day after they married but expected to be phoned by her daughter daily throughout the honeymoon because she needed the emotional contact. If your wife says things like “my mother is my best friend” you should be concerned. Of course a woman can be close to her mother, but best friend? That is a relationship between equals and a daughter is never going to have equal status to the woman who gave birth to her. NPD sufferers do not have successful relationships, either being divorced or remaining in a very dysfunctional marriage. The daughter becomes her mother’s outlet for her isolation and misery and all that is wrong in her life and is expected to be available at any time to listen to mummy unburden herself. The bizarre thing is how willing some daughters are to go along with this, seeing their mothers as the victims that the NPD MIL works so hard to portray themselves as. They believe they have a special relationship with their mother, that only they are the one she can talk to and that they are obligated to listen “because she is my mother”. A daughter may well develop a sort of functioning relationship with her NPD mother where in return for acting in the bestest-friend-forever role she gets a few crumbs of attention thrown her way and so keeps it up as the alternative to being on the end of mummy’s wrath. There are some websites and books on the topic of daughters of narcissistic mothers and a large portion of this material is devoted to the emotional stranglehold such mothers have on their female offspring. It is worth taking a look at some of these resources if your wife is the daughter of an NPD mother. One thing female children of narcissist don’t have to contend with is the altogether creepy inversion of the adult child relationship sometimes called emotional or covert incest. On the comments to some of my blog posts I received a post from a fellow sufferer who specifically spoke of the ways in which her husband was not so much parentified as made a surrogate spouse by his mother. How does that happen? Read on. The Surrogate Spouse Syndrome My MIL seems to have a love-hate relationship with men, mostly hate to be honest. She wouldn’t describe herself as a feminist or anything of that sort, she has a deep anger and feeling of superiority towards men. Her relationship with her own father was very difficult. She reports blazing rows between her parents in the family home (although she is so emotionally repressed what you or I may regard as a normal row would seem over the top to her). Her parents eventually divorced when she was in her teens and she had next to no contact with him for years. My husband saw his grandfather only once or twice, at a motorway service station because she wouldn’t go to his home or have him come to hers. She also took out her anger and spite on her ex-husband, my FIL. His did not stand up to her, instead he was very passive and gave little or no response. “She’ll calm down” he would tell my husband. She ruled the roost completely, emasculating my FIL to the point of getting him to work at weekends, moaning constantly about his low earnings and her low standard of living (they had two foreign holidays a year, one skiing, and both kids went to private schools) and then had complete control of the household budget handing him out small bits of cash for anything she agreed he could have, oh you know like a magazine or new pair of socks. Eventually they lived almost separate lives under one roof, he slept in another room entirely and became very withdrawn and depressed. It is easy for the narcissist to project all that is negative, despised and weak about men onto a passive husband and makes him the scapegoat that she has to endure, and a target for her criticisms and belittling. Having successfully demolished the standing of the adult man in her life she will transfer all that is good and wonderful about manhood onto her son. He becomes the alpha male of the family in the eyes of the mother. Problems between the mother and father in a family can lead to a situation where one parent turns to a child of the opposite sex and starts responding to the child’s love in a way that mimics that of an adult romantic partner. What separates parentification from covert incest/the surrogate spouse is the nature of the interaction between the adult parent and the child. Leaning on the child for comfort or affirmation, misbehaving and allowing the child to discipline or clear up the mess is parentification. Leaning on the child for emotional intimacy, physical comfort (hugs) and a shared experience of life is creating a substitute spouse. Emotional or covert incest is really abuse. The adult child of someone doing this will have grown up being groomed to accept it in a way that is similar to the grooming that young sexual abuse victims receive in order to accept their abuse. The mother in this scenario is not conscious of her behaviour, she knows she needs her son to be there for her but hasn’t actually acknowledged the extent of her own unconscious sexual motivation behind the interactions. If she has projected her ideal male fantasy figure onto her son there will be unconscious sexual motives in her actions. In order to continue with the relationship she has established with her surrogate spouse she will inevitably control personal aspects of his life, as a controlling wife would with her husband. Her control of the son extends to choosing his clothes, his cologne, advising on his household purchases, washing, ironing, shopping etc well into adulthood. A narcissist will attempt to control everything about her child including his sexuality. They control by invading their teenage children’s privacy or set stringent conditions around visits and visiting by girlfriends or boyfriends, openly expressing their disapproval of whomever has been brought home. Alternatively they can be quite inappropriately revealing about their own sexual behavior and almost egg their children on, behaving flirtatiously with their son’s friends or daughter’s boyfriends. They do think they are attractive no matter what their actual physical appearance is like. Hostility towards the son’s girlfriends and eventually his wife if he marries is inevitable in this context as the NPD MIL sees her son’s partner as a rival for his attention and affection, and to her control of his domestic arrangements. The spouse becomes the other woman. I have read of and been told about numerous actions by various NPD MILs who have actively set out to damage their son’s marriages by spreading lies about his wife, by dividing the wider family against them, by using her communications and influence on her son to constantly portray the wife’s actions in a negative way and turn him against her. Some outright tell their sons they would be better off without the wife, that a previous girlfriend or woman they know would have been so much more suitable. The MIL seems to have a personal interest in her son choosing what she sees as the most impressive mate possible, so that her son and by extension herself are admired for their ability to snare the best sort of woman. What is this ideal wife like? Someone who will allow the spousification to continue, a sort of wife-in-name-only. I really wonder if mothers in this situation, unable to have a sexual relationship with their spouse/son view the actual wife of their child as a sort of dirty whore who caters to the son’s sexual needs and is tolerated with utter distaste while the “proper” relationship remains between him and mummy. A trickier dynamic arises if the golden son plays along with his mother’s attempts to turn him into her surrogate spouse. Spouses who accept their mothers kissing them on the lips, sitting coiled up next to them like a lover or other inappropriatephysical contact have been groomed just like a child abuse victim to accept as normal what the rest of us see as bordering on incestuous. It is incestuous, albeit unconscious on the part of the mother. This level of psychological conditioning is very hard to shake. If it is normal in your house for mum to kiss her son on the mouth, buy his underwear and sit with her hand on his leg close up to him on the sofa it will take a big cold splash of horrified reaction from several people outside the family before he smells the coffee. This would usually occur in adolescence when friends mercilessly tease boys with over attentive mothers and they tend to get the message. If your husband is still like this then either his family never had friends round (ask him and see) or his mother has been very careful to keep it below the radar. You see it because she wants to visibly assert her claim on your husband, you are the threat. There is no quick fix to parentifying or surrogate spouse syndrome. In each and every situation the remedy is the same. The adult child must realize what is happening, that this behavior is not normal and what a healthy interaction should look like. Then they can set some boundaries and choose how much involvement they have with their mother’s practical and emotional issues. The boundaries need to include what sort of physical contact they are comfortable with or consider appropriate for a mother to an adult son. Bear in mind that some people are more openly physically affectionate than others and that in itself is not a problem. It’s a problem when your gut instinct says “woah, eww that is making me uncomfortable”. Just come out and say it. Your spouse needs to hear a reality check from someone outside of the NPD bubble and you may well be the first person who has ever poi ted out to him or her what normal family physical contact looks like. The partner of a spoused/parentified son needs to recognize that her MIL sees her as a rival and will act like a jealous wife. Do not respond like a mistress! You are his wife not her, his first loyalty is to you so make damn sure he and she knows that. Do not let her encroach upon your domestic arrangements, buy his clothes or “advise” you on how he likes his food cooked or anything else. A simple reply “we don’t do things that way” is enough. Notice the use of “we” which makes it clear you two are a unit and how you need not give any explanation or justification for what you have stated. None is necessary.
22 Comments Filed under Controlling behaviour, Describing narcissism, Effects of NPD on others, Examples of narcissistic behaviour, family roles, Helping your spouse deal with NPD mum, marriage and NPD MIL, narcissistic mother Tagged as abusive mother, controlling mother in law, cover incest,dysfunctional family, emotional abuse, emotional incest, narcissistic personality disorder, parentification, surrogate spouse
http://themedicalblog.net/2014/07/30/when-the-child-becomes-the-spouse- the-foundations-of-emotional-incest/ When the child becomes the spouse: The foundations of emotional incest 93 By staff on JULY 30, 2014african american health, Children, Medical News, mental health, Uncategorized, Women's Health You’ve probably seen it a thousand times. The lonely parent who uses the child as a replacement for their spouse. We typically think of this in terms of single mothers, but it can happen to dads too. Of course there is nothing sexual happening, it’s all emotional. Similar to the way emotional cheating can occur, there are relationship experts who believe that emotional incest can also occur. The existence of a relationship in which the child becomes a replacement for the spouse can not only be emotionally weighty for that child, it can hinder his/her ability to have mature relationships with others once they reach adulthood. Here’s more on the topic from patheos.com. Give us your opinion: “Emotional incest” is a tricky term because it sounds as though it implies a sexual relationship when it doesn’t. Some scholars use the term “covert incest” instead, but that doesn’t really help because it retains the word “incest.” Other scholars have used the term “enmeshment,” “co- dependency,” and “emotional abuse” is another related concept as well. For the sake of this short series of posts, I will use the term “emotional incest” because I think that if you can get past the “ick” factor of the word incest, this construction is actually very descriptive. by Taboola Sponsored Links You May Like
33 Pets Who Experienced The Ultimate BetrayelOMG Daily Emotional incest involves an unhealthy relationship between parent and child in which the child serves as a sort of emotional “spouse” to the parent. This can be mother/daughter, father/daughter, mother/son, or father/son. Here are a couple definitions, some using the term “covert incest” and others using the term “emotional incest.” Covert incest occurs when a child plays the role of a surrogate husband or wife to a lonely, needy parent. The parent’s need for companionship is met through the child. The child is bound to the parent by excessive feelings of responsibility for the welfare of the parent. The demand for loyalty to the lonely, needy parent overwhelms the child and becomes the major organizing experience in the child’s development. Covert emotional incest begins when a person perceives and responds to a family member as a replacement or substitute for a partner. This form of incest is described as a relationship where a parent turns a child into a partner or confidante that is inappropriate to the child’s age and life experience. Or to put it another way, when a child is manipulated into the role of a surrogate wife or husband by a needy parent. While some refer to this as covert incest, others refer to it as emotional incest. READ MORE via Emotional Incest, Part 1: Definitions. Trending Today
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Sponsored by Revcontent 93 COMMENTS 1. DIVA on JULY 30, 2014 4:49 PM Sick to see happen but it does, far too often, and especially in single parent homes. REPLY 2. TIFFANY on JULY 30, 2014 6:02 PM This article is informing. The picture, however, is MISLEADING, it looks like an OLD pic of Chili [TLC] & her son with an INNOCENT peck on the lips. REPLY o REALTALK on MARCH 26, 2015 7:11 PM Ummm dude like he about 10 plus years old in that pic…there is no reason for her to be kissing him on the lips. Please stop it. REPLY 3. SHELLY on JULY 30, 2014 6:07 PM My sister had this kind of relationship with my mom. they never did anything inappropriate, but my mom looked to my sister as if she was the head of the house. she wanted to follow my sister everywhere, and she would look to my sister for approval. REPLY o VICKY on MARCH 29, 2015 4:13 PM thats how it was with my mother and sister. It’s only gotten worse over time to the point my sister won’t even let me speak with my mother bc my mother for years blamed me for her n my fathers divorce. He was an abusive alcoholic, of course I begged her to leave him! It got so bad that I had to move out by the time I was 17 just to gain my own sanity back. REPLY 4. ELOIS P. CLAYTON on JULY 30, 2014 8:33 PM The only people, who would see an innocent show of effection(from mom to child), is a pervert(and should be ignored)! ATTN: Such issues do occur, but when in realizing such sadness/pervertedness, I PRAY, that the child can/will find SOMEONE, that he/she can talk to about it, for it has to be a very uncomfortable feeling… NOTE: Incest DOES exist, but so does reporting and having such a person PROSECUTED(and by all means, do so and HELP that child get their childhood back, for it DOES take a village)! REPLY o JBOOGIE on JULY 30, 2014 9:56 PM Thank God, all you have is an opinion. There’s nothing perverted having an opinion about something that might look inappropriate. Each child needs nurturing and understanding and detachment, so they can be a functioning adult. Women just don’t want to be discipline about anything, and it’s sadly demonstrated in the behavior of our children. Many don’t want the men around for emotional support, but yet allow the system to dictate how they should co-parent. This is certainly a concern that single mothers need to keep in mind, mainly with their son; because we are emotional and I believe that 60% of who we are is learn behavior. REPLY o DONNA on JULY 31, 2014 11:07 PM Absolutely no disrespect meant but I think you have misunderstood this article. They have tried to clearly state they do not mean it in a sexual illegal un moral way. Just a person relying too heavily in the child for emotional support that normally a partner would be there for. The picture is implying something 100% wrong and getting the wrong point across. As a single parent I personally try to hide my tears from my child as no child needs to see their parent cry over parental issues that normally a partner would comfort you for. But this article is basically saying that this is what some parents do (on a broader spectrum obviously) and I agree it’s wrong! Let the kid be a kid! Parents be parents! X x REPLY * JESSICA WILLIAMS on MARCH 27, 2015 9:16 PM Whoever wrote this article wants people to believe it is incest, but not physical…just emotional…as if the two are exclusive. You bring that word up, and then turn around and expect people not to think that is what you mean. A lot of double talk, and not wanting to take responsibility for what they have written. REPLY * FANNIE on JUNE 8, 2016 1:55 AM It2;#&178s Tolerable Preteen Cp Does anyone know the name of this actor? This dude has one of the most gorgeous incline and balls I’ve seen. At this moment I wanna service REPLY o TANK on MARCH 27, 2015 12:35 PM You must of not read the article smh REPLY 5. C J BUTLET on JULY 30, 2014 10:26 PM I have an interest with a woman I have had a subpar relationship with for the last 8 years that started as a relationship! When her son who is now at the age of 30 seen his mom spending time with me in the wee hours at beginning he started questioning her about it! I replied to her saying ( so you allow him to question you?) and her reply was we couldn’t be interment no more cause her son would be upset! And see each other periodically and are somewhat affectionate but if it gets too close she will push me away! And at times wil call to see me here and there! REPLY 6. MAJODIE on JULY 31, 2014 3:03 AM CJ you don’t deserve to be INTIMATE with anyone you can’t spell REPLY o ROD on JULY 31, 2014 12:44 PM People truly cannot spell anymore. REPLY o JAE82 on AUGUST 1, 2014 11:04 PM Lmao!!! REPLY o AKAME on AUGUST 4, 2014 5:24 AM Interment is a word and it wasn’t misspelled. On the other hand, proofreading barely exists. REPLY * KRIS on AUGUST 5, 2014 12:22 PM TRUE it is a word it means — the burial of a corpse in a grave or tomb, typically with funeral rites REPLY o MECCA on MARCH 27, 2015 6:26 PM You aint right but he can’t!! Lol!! REPLY 7. DEVON on JULY 31, 2014 3:24 AM Pookies Pus Heads and Baby Boys still layin up in Mama house clingin to Mama and Mama wont let em go and be a man. Emotional Incesr runnin rampant in the blk community. REPLY o ROCHELLE BANKS on AUGUST 2, 2014 11:59 PM True. REPLY o ABDUL KAREEM on AUGUST 3, 2014 8:30 PM So truuuue!!! I just got outa a marriage in which this was the problem . Smh REPLY * ROCKY on JUNE 8, 2016 12:47 AM Sharp thinikng! Thanks for the answer. REPLY * HTTP://WWW.FEARLESSINFERTILITY.ORG/ on JUNE 9, 2016 4:43 PM Hallo Ruth schön das dir meine Drahtkugeln gefallen. Heute habe ich es endlich geschafft einen Draht zu organisieren, momentan ist der Draht überall ausverkauft, da wohl alle an ihrer Weihnachtsdeko basteln. Jetzt kann ich endlich mit meiner Bastelanleitung anfangen. Ich denke das sollte ich vor Montag noch schaffen. Du wirst sehn das es einfacher ist als du denkst. Liebe Grüße, Anne REPLY * HTTP://WWW.BOSTONIANINNANDRVPARK.COM/ on JULY 8, 2016 2:28 PM Baked tomatoes were indeed a southern staple growing up; however, they were peeled, cut up and stirred in with big chunks of bread and a little sugar, salt and pepper. They were then dotted with butter and baked.Although I detested it as a child, this dish appears on our table now.Best,Bonnie REPLY * HTTP://WWW.GOLDENHANDSSALON.COM/ on JULY 10, 2016 2:50 PM than done.No matter how well you started and how well you go, blogging or affiliate marketing cannot start making money overnight. It calls for great dedication and hardwork. REPLY * HTTP://WWW.OWENINSURAGENCY.COM/ on JULY 15, 2016 10:32 AM nu am o problema cu homosexualii atata timp cat nu ii vad pe strada ca si la gay parade (sau cel putin ca si cei pe care ii arata la televizor) – epatand in idiotenie. cu lesbienele la fel – cat timp nu apare vreo naomi cu impresii de mascul feroce, e treaba lor ce fac. homofob sau nu, pentru un barbat, o femeie goala care arata bine produce alta senzatie decat un barbat in aceeasi postura lesbienele sunt acelasi lucru, doar x2, x3… zic si eu REPLY * HTTP://WWW.INSUREMYCAR.DYNDDNS.US/ on JULY 20, 2016 2:43 PM Debbie Shreesha, go to your friends list and hover over their picture till drop-down pops up – hover over the ‘friends’ button and then ‘all lists’ – tick the ‘restricted’ option – they will then only see posts and photographs you make ‘public’ – hope that helps REPLY * CALCULADORA INGRESOS on OCTOBER 25, 2016 8:45 PM I think you’ve just captured the answer perfectly REPLY 8. D-NICE on JULY 31, 2014 6:54 AM Wow that was Pretty Deep. Its like there is no knowledge of what right and wrong is. There always right and with the system and society on there side as a man who is demonized now days what are we to do but just pray and continue to support your child. Its like some of them are enablers. A real Man teaches fear and discipline. A young man without fear of consequences or discipline is a dangerous kid. Im just saying. Call me stupid but I think in a broken home situation I think a man should raise his boys, and a woman should raise their daughters. REPLY 9. CARMEN on JULY 31, 2014 8:30 AM This could have been an informative article;however, it is poorly written. There is too much repetition. REPLY 10. SHANDY on JULY 31, 2014 3:21 PM I know this all to well….I married a man, and divorced him 12 years later. From the beginning let me share the warning signs…1.) Our dating phase – we went to FL, his mother went with us…it was the first time I met her, she made a blatant remark that she wanted him to meet someone that does hair at a salon she goes to. He said nothing to defend me., 2.) Wedding – she refused to take pictures when it was time to during the wedding 3.) Wedding night and next morning – my new hubby and I stayed in a honeymoon suite at nice hotel, we got up to eat breakfast, guess who was there looking for us and ate to? 4.) Honeymoon – went to New Orleans – guess who went and brought her brother – YES! she and her brother came with us and to make matters worse she stayed in our hotel room, made him sleep with his uncle and she ad I bunked together. Is that enough for you…does that tell the rest of the way things went, She also gave other women his contact information at work, came to pack him up while we were visiting my parents and took him away, I was pregnant with out first child, yes,,,he left with her..,,then the blame shifting came…he said, she just don’t like you ,,,,and for the remainder of the marriage he defended her and her behavior, Oh there is more to tell, but you can get the picture from this right? REPLY o TAE on AUGUST 1, 2014 12:01 AM Ugh! She sounds like a total b*tch! I wanna hear more, you should blog about it. But for real, I hope you have (or will) find happiness after that nightmare. REPLY * LAWRENCE A on AUGUST 5, 2014 12:47 AM He was puzzy-whipped by his Mom. Your role was to give his mother an heir and make him appear to be an adult Man. Sort of like princess Diana. Kudos for staying so long in a miserable mom-centered marriage. You could write a book with all that material. Or blog. REPLY o RENZO P on AUGUST 2, 2014 4:38 PM If it started out this way. why in the world would you decided to torture yourself for 12 years? sounds like 12 years too long based on the time up to the wedding alone. Those were clear traits you saw. If he was a child and showed that then that’s one thing. But an adult doing that lets you know he was fixed to be that way. Were you scared to leave? or were you one of the people in the beginning that thinks you have to stick to a marriage even if you made a mistake by getting in it in the first place? Or was it a dependency thing? or did you just take it as a challenge at first? I would love to hear more about the thought process that goes behind staying in a situation like that when you see those kinds of signs in the beginning. REPLY o NACHRAL BEAUTY on AUGUST 2, 2014 6:48 PM He is DEFINITELY a victim of “Emotional Incest” REPLY o DEB WILLIAMS on AUGUST 4, 2014 9:55 PM Your story parallels mine and some ways exactly mirrors mine, the marriage ended after 32 yrs of marriage and 6 yrs of dating. His family was dysfunctional and that was all he knew, so our relation was toxic and abusive, I am so glad to be rid of all the drama of his family’s mental illness, suicide attempts, fighting, cursing, Alcoholism, shaking caskets at funeral wake, overdosing, etc. REPLY o DEESGT on SEPTEMBER 22, 2014 7:30 PM I see I’m not the only one with a mother-in-law who need to get her own man and her own damn life. I have 2 sons and 2 daughters and I have already told them I REFUSE to deal with this once they go into the world and get spouses of their own. These “mother-in-laws” need to stop trying to make their sons into their “man”, to get all the perks and benefits of having a man without actually having to sleep with him. What are all of us wives of mama’s boys doing then if not busting out ass to be with Mr. Immature? They need to pop the titty out the boys’ mouths and let them grow the hell up. REPLY 11. NALIJ on JULY 31, 2014 4:15 PM parents…please stop kissing your children on the lips. they have an entire face that you can kiss on…save the lips for mommy and daddy REPLY o RENZO P on AUGUST 2, 2014 4:43 PM That’s just your opinion I know. I personally don’t mind parents kissing their child on the lips ( they made that child ). So many people are suffering from lack of affection as kids who try hard to find it as adults. I know some people that barely hug their children because they think its not appropriate or to even kiss on the cheek. Everyone has things they’re comfortable with. Kissing your child on the lips doesn’t have to be anything inappropriate. the parent and the child know their relationship so the people outside judging really have no place in that. If it’s not incest everyone else should mind their business and worry about loving their child the best they can or learning how to because the best they can do isn’t good enough. REPLY 12. NIA on JULY 31, 2014 5:28 PM I’m a DV survivor & the solo single parent of a son now 22 yrs old. Because my mom was emotionally too dependent on me (she was a Navy wife– which meant we never lived near our relatives, & my dad was deployed 6-9 months at a time, then home 2-3 months before being deployed again, so she was quite isolated) as the 2nd-oldest of 9 kids (& only girl, until my only sister was sister when I was 11½), I was ALWAYS careful to a) not kiss my son on the lips; b) not refer to him as my “baby” once he was past the age of 2; and c) while he was still at the age of “never wanting to leave” me, encouraged him to go & be & do whatever his talents lead him to, wherever that might take him. Today, he’s a well-adjusted young man, with a job & strong life goals, & a good woman by his side…& I…well, last year I met my SoulMate, whom I met online…but who moved 1800 miles to be with me…& we’re all doing just fine. REPLY 13. JAIHAR on JULY 31, 2014 8:22 PM I think the situation in this article could have been looked into without associating the term incest to it. I’m noticing a constant conscious or subconscious need to shame or criminalize everyday people in today’s writing. It’s kind of like the new goal is to turn every single body into criminals and will go to great length to qualify them as criminals. You’re speaking of a woman simply raising a child by herself and off course there maybe an imbalance emotionally in the household especially if she’s been single for a while and that can impact the dynamic in an imbalanced way but to associate that to incest is crazy. The picture used is that of mother simply loving her child, why is she part of a criminal line up? The virtually created perception and implication is not right. REPLY o NACHRAL BEAUTY on AUGUST 2, 2014 6:51 PM I completely agree with you! REPLY 14. JP on AUGUST 1, 2014 5:00 AM My mom is like this with my brothers. She has had inadequate husbands that dont live up to her outrageous expectations, and rips into them & tears them down because theyre not picking up the slack and doing “what men are supposed to do”, and that means take care of her. And they feel low about themselves because she is always tearing them down but they are good kids. Her frustration isn’t about them. She’s just mad the men in her life aren’t doing what she expects& it’s like they have to make up for it or endure her wrath. She tries to do it with me but perhaps because I’m female & left home young it doesn’t affect me like it does them. But I’m always telling her to STOP forcing my brothers to make up for her bad choice in men. *sigh* REPLY 15. JULIE on AUGUST 1, 2014 1:40 PM I was a victim of this as a child. My parents stayed in a loveless marriage for my brothers & I for 32 yrs. My mother replaced my father with me. It even resulted in my parents sleeping in separate rooms & I slept in my parents bed for 16 yrs with my mom. She depended on me for everything. She would confide her hatred for my dad to me & even wouldn’t be in the same room with him without me. When I met my now husband at 16, she felt I replaced her for him. She hated me. She felt betrayed & unloved & made it clear to me every time I would go visit her. She hated everything about my husband & hated that I wouldn’t leave him. Til this day, I still feel obligated to love her. I felt an emptiness when she passed away. Now seeing this article, I feel justified. It hits the nail on the head & hits home for me. I love my children, but I will NEVER do this to my kids. I show affection, but never replace my husband with my kids. There is a clear line between affection & parenting. REPLY 16. S on AUGUST 1, 2014 3:36 PM It does just happen in blk communities. REPLY 17. RYAN MILTON on AUGUST 1, 2014 6:31 PM With no other words….”This is SICK!!!!” REPLY 18. JESSICA on AUGUST 2, 2014 6:25 PM Holy shit that was funny about cj. !! Ok down to business.this is super informative. It’s hard being a single mom and lonely. My son has comforted me when I have cried even asked to talk about it and went to sleep holding me. Ladies and gentlemen he is only seven years old! So this really puts things in prospective. I want him to be a good husband some day. <3 P.s. Obviously it's not sexual. Emotional incest EMOTIONAL! Anyone need a dictionary? Or some q-tips? REPLY 19. Pingback: When the child becomes the spouse: The foundations of emotional incest | The Medical Blog | STRONG SISTAHS 20. Pingback: When the child becomes the spouse: The foundations of emotional incest | The Medical Blog | talkdiva 21. PAULA HALL on AUGUST 2, 2014 9:36 PM I am a single parent of a son 17 and a daughter 15 . Although, I have done my very best to rise them on my own and not to blur the lines between being their parent and their friend. There has been a time or two where I had to catch myself. But I’ve never had a desire to consciously or unconsciously treat my children as surrogate for friend, husband, or absent father to them. That is something that never crossed my mind on any level. But I can see how some Adults will do that. REPLY 22. ROCHELLE BANKS on AUGUST 3, 2014 12:08 AM I 2 wuz molested and now I’m afraid 2 show my kids affection, I know that i’m not going 2 do anything, but I’m scared. Help. REPLY o LYNN TAYLOR on AUGUST 3, 2014 2:04 PM Rochelle, That was not your fault or behavior . So you need to seek spiritual help from a Proven Godly leader to get set free from Your past ! REPLY 23. ERICA MINES on AUGUST 4, 2014 4:11 PM Im fresh out of a four year relationship because of this very thing. The guy would involve his twenty plus year old daughter in all of our affairs. If we had an argument he would run and tell her, when his brother passed away, he went to be with her for consolence, when either of them have relationship problems, issues,etc. they rely on each other to laugh, cry, get drunk or turn up as he puts it. There were times when he clearly stated, he’d rather be with his daughters company than mine. I began to feel less than priority, like i was inadequate and very insecure. I know parents are going to be there for thier kids no matter what but, when your adult child begins to trump you within the relationship, thats a battle that can’t be won. He would get mad at me for saying, i would like to spend more time with you and not always having to be accompanied by his daughter and grandchild all the time. This fool tried to get me to apologize for saying, I don’t want it to always be the three or four of us. It left little to no room for us to be connected. I love and care for his daughter and grand very dearly, his loyalty to them was something i can’t compete with. He has three other sons, one with a family, one engaged and another living on his own. None of them interfered with our relationship like his daughter. He began taking on her responsibilities as a parent. Picking him from school, dropping him, when she had a car and was at times in the bed with a.hangover from smoking weed and drinking. REPLY o LAWRENCE A on AUGUST 5, 2014 12:52 AM This sort of reminds me of Jamie Fox who had his daughter as his day for the Oscars when he won for Ray. No steady girlfriend but oftetime does daughter-dating. REPLY 24. DEB WILLIAMS on AUGUST 4, 2014 7:18 PM Married and in a relationship for 38 years with a man who was emotionally traumatized by being in this type of relationship with his mother. She saw me as a threat, the other woman and even said as much, “if you want J—-, you can have him. She resorted to engaging physical and verbal attacks on him a short time after we were dating. She fully expected to be her knight in shining armor or savior by relieving her financial woes once he graduated from college. She sat directly across from him with her legs spread wide wearing a house dress and no underwear. He looked very embarrassed when I asked why she did that. He became her protector and worked small jobs after school and during the summer to provide for her and his younger sibling. There was a sexual thing going on, but I am not too sure if it was incest. She called to my home on several occasions in a fit of rage and cursed whoever answered the phone and then quickly hang up. She was very manipulative, verbally, physically and emotionally abusive and tried unsuccessfully to cause the break up of him and I. I wished it had worked now, because I inherited an emotional wreck. This was one of the most dysfunctional families I have ever witnessed. Son curses, disrespects and fights mother and mother the same to son and daughters. How did I get entangled into such a mess. Now I may have to counseling to overcome all the suicide attempts, alcohol addition, fighting, abuse, abandonment and drama I observed in this dysfunctional family. REPLY 25. DEB WILLIAMS on AUGUST 4, 2014 10:08 PM The dysfunction of his childhood carried over into our toxic marriage. This guy seems to have trust issues and does not know how to give and receive love. He sees himself as unlovable: mother told him she consider placing him as an unwed mother. Then he observed domestic violence between older brother and mother, father against mother and then step father against mother. He became his mother confidante, protector, provider, etc. the mother had a high libido and showed her private by spreading her legs while sitting across from him. Is this crazy or not. REPLY 26. LAWRENCE A on AUGUST 5, 2014 1:32 AM I’m so glad to see this finally being discussed. For many years I’ve seen this as the dominant relationship between black athletes and their moms. (Wasn’t LeBron’s mom actually having a physical relationship with one of his Cleveland teammates??) In my own case, I confess, I learned that my clashes with my father were really a contest for my mother. Talking to a psychologist friend I concluded that my teenage behavior was rooted in Oedipal conflict. I was trying to prove that I could take care of the family better than my dad did. From the age of 11 (yes!!!) I worked, bought gifts for “the kids” my siblings, and gave my mother new coats, dresses, and jewelry. But it was all me — my mother never encouraged it. Instinctively, however, I pushed away and established own identity early enough in adolescence that I didn’t need to worry about . After working with innercity kids; I learned that their single mom’s count on them four adult-level services to the household. Older kid often act as co-parents rather than siblings to their brothers and sisters. REPLY 27. AVERAGE MOM on AUGUST 5, 2014 5:11 AM First off my oldest kiddies are five. Every so often they will peck me on the lips. Cause they mimic there dad. Thinking that’s a way to say I love you. They are growing out of it now but still kids. My oldest had no dad til I met and married my husband. We’ve been close but most parents are with their children! He says me daddy brothers sisters and papa are his best friends. Sometimes when he’s scared he asks to sleep with me and his dad. Most our kids end up there anyways. We got snuggle bugs. There is a fine line between this and being close to your children. I.discipline when needed I talk openly with out kids. But I never treat my children as adults. Our my equal. The little darlings completely. If your scared of your child pecking you on the lips you must have some sick and twisted thoughts. Now a 16 yr old boy no… they’ve out grown it…. But love your babies treat them like your babies. Don’t hold your kids at arms length cause you got a warpped mind. My kids don’t need to know my problems unless concerned about me( we all have had bad days they witnessed and there questions deserve reasonable age appropriate answers) but I want my kids to feel free not forced to talk to me if they are struggling I’m there mother and until they fly out the nest I plan to support encourage and hopefully have a healthy open relationship with them even after they go. I won’t intervene in their life but I hope to be included. This article is talking about the extream and y’all talking about don’t kiss your kids. Lord Bless it, when people take normal affection and pervert it. REPLY 28. AVERAGE MOM on AUGUST 5, 2014 5:18 AM Also mom made my sister and I her best friends she clung to us in a way this article is referring to. We knew more than two little girls should have had to, not to mention shes carried it into our adulthood.. So I think I know the difference between loving and placing my children into an adults role. REPLY o LOVING MINE on AUGUST 8, 2014 3:55 PM Average mom I love your spirit. We will keep loving our kids with the utmost intention by training them healthy boundaries and lines. You can not buy the innocence of children. And anyone who TAKES it away before its time will pay greatly loving your comment Way above average Mom REPLY 29. REGINA on AUGUST 8, 2014 12:44 AM I was blessed not to experience this form of behavior. I took no schytt from anyone, including my parents. Before they divorced, at the age of six, I told them foster care would be the better option for me. One thing my parents and other relatives knew is that I would not could not stand for inappropriate touching and behavior. I got to the point where I was not scared of my parents. I respected them, but only from a distance. Both parents knew that I could and will knock the crap out of them. Before they passed, we discussed this issue and they eventually apologized for sticking me in the middle of their childish arguments and games. REPLY 30. HTTPS://HOOKIE.ZENDESK.COM/ on AUGUST 8, 2014 5:56 AM Specific assignments will often be requested, along with the best of those may be featured by various Yahoo. Your problem will be how finest to ensure that the composing complies, conforms and meets all that is certainly needed for greater English writing. specifically [https://hookie.zendesk.com/] If you might be looking for professional content writers to make unique and relevant content to your website, you’ll find a amount of companies offering content writing services. 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TMCEO on AUGUST 10, 2014 4:46 PM Get ready…this is long. LOL. And a little off subject! This article is on point. After my wife and I had our 1st child after she received her Doctorate, her mom & dad and her 4 siblings stayed at our home almost 5 days a week at first. The 3 brothers eventually went home but her mom and sister wouldn’t leave. Then her sister and brother would pop up and spend the night and wake our child. Then her father stayed with us for about 3 days. And they only stayed an hour away in another county. Then her brother and sister would call their friends up to spend the night without calling or asking my opinion. They had their male friend sleep over getting permission from my wife. We both threatened divorce. (id threaten to leave for lack of communication, my wife threatened divorce for lack of respect due to me yelling and cussing.) Long story short… She would take our daughter with her everywhere she went bringing what i call guilt gifts home everyday ( bunch of junk for our 3 year old to make up for our dysfunctional marriage). She started taking our baby on trips and not invite me, shed tell her parents to come puck up our child without letting me know. Our daughter became her emotional support system. When wed argue our daughter would run to the door and shield me from leaving or shed say No daddy when i raised my voice. My wife would say “look at what you did!” I finally told her our child will never see us act like this again. So we mapped out a way to work through our issues or have a sane separation. REPLY 34. FRANK TALK on AUGUST 11, 2014 9:15 PM Don’t forget the church and the congregation/pastor. Women use this religious institution and meeting place as an intimate “playground,” also. The Black Family/Couple can’t manifest because the female can find other means than submission to an adult male to express herself. It’s still blasphemy. REPLY o NELLIE on MARCH 29, 2015 8:46 PM Frank Talk you’re right! Now here’s a joke: An elderly lady was at church. Some of the members of the congregation formed a prayer line. As each person got up to the pastor, they had to tell him their problems and he would place his hands wherever they were having problems and begin to pray for them. When the elderly lady approached the pastor, he asked her, “sister what is your problem?” She answered, “Twixt.” The pastor asked her several times to explain. The elderly lady said, “Twixt.” The pastor becoming impatient, said I don’t quite understand. Please take my hand and place it on where you’re having problems. The elderly lady placed the pastor’s hand on her private part and said, “Twixt My Legs.” REPLY 35. SUPPORT.TOOLTOPIA.COM on AUGUST 25, 2014 5:01 PM how many grams of sugar in a cup of skim milk There are the ones who ask with an essay or an instructive conversation. Now you have countless published articles in circulation that not have the quality required to stir a person’s eye of readers. How many calories in a cup of sugar snap peas Appear (Support.Tooltopia.Com) Research paper emphasizes the conceptual and writing abilities with the apprentices. The plan must be concise and with the same time, should give vital information required to help investors decide the viability from the project and it is profitability. REPLY 36. ?? on AUGUST 29, 2014 8:22 AM ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????????? Plenty of students have given money to fake companies and got tricked. Ask yourself questions on your disability and just how it has affected your lifetime. ?? It is also essential to understand that the proposal have to be able to expose your financial plans, in case you achieve winning the proposal. Involve creating surveys and performing particular interview while using appropriate individuals. REPLY 37. DEBBIE on OCTOBER 15, 2014 4:01 AM I just got out of a relationship of 2 years with a man that I dearly loved. He is a single father of a 13 year old girl. I fell in love with him for many reasons. I felt he was a great father because he was so involved in his daughter’s life and was so affectionate to her. Then I started seeing things that made me uncomfortable and I couldn’t quite figure out what was wrong. When we would go to the community pool, his daughter would hang on him the entire time. She would jump on him like a toddler wrapping her legs around him at restaurants. I ended up spending Valentine’s Day with both of them and she mimicked everything I did. These are just to name a few. I spent a vacation with them and had to sleep in her room only to find in the middle of the night, she crawled into bed with her dad. He told me that he slept in the bed with her and I brought to his attention that it was inappropriate at age 12. I felt very uncomfortable telling him this because I did not think there was sexual abuse happening. His daughter seems well adjusted, she and I got along very well. She gets straight A’s in school. Then to top it all off, he told me that his daughter is number 1, he is number 2 and I am number 3. And his behavior played this out in the 2 years we were together. I was not important. When I broke it off, I found out about covert incest and I believe this is exactly what his relationship is with his daughter. Neither of them have many friends. He is always with her and almost seems obsessed. My ex’s wife left him so this makes a lot of sense. He has replaced her with his daughter. His separation and divorce left him with unresolved issues. He is also a heavy drinker and a friend suggested that he may be using his daughter like a drug by not looking at his issues that he should be working out with an adult partner. All of this information about covert incest is new to me and I have found that there isn’t enough info out there about this phenomenon! I can share many more incidences! REPLY 38. JEZREIL on OCTOBER 19, 2014 4:35 PM My mother hates me and always has because my parents divorced and he is happy with his second wife. She favored my half sister more because she was light skin and came from another man. I tried desperately to win my mother love. But after three decades of being treated Precious. I walked away because my sister and I had children the same time and the abuse and favoritism was being passed to the next generation. With God’s strength, I ended that generational curse REPLY o YELHSA on JUNE 8, 2016 1:07 AM It’s a pluarese to find someone who can think so clearly REPLY o HTTP://WWW.PODER-MACA.INFO/ on JUNE 16, 2016 10:29 AM As a Jets fan, I can state with absolute certainty that there is a better chance of Jeebus cooking you breakfast that Vernon Bust Gholston doing anything useful on a football field. Bust Boy utterly sucks donkey balls. He’s trying to make us forget Blair Thomas.Or Mike Haight.Or Lam Jones. Or Ken O’Brien. REPLY o HTTP://WWW.CAMILLOTUXEDO.COM/ on JULY 28, 2016 1:50 PM RicardoEste Mosteiro passa despercebido por ser Beneditino.Com tudo pode ser para camuflar algo.Aparece em documentos no ano de 1118 e 1138 como sendo uma Igreija .Figura nas Inqisicoes de D. Afonso I I I de 1258 como sendo um Couto.Só na taxacao de 1320 e que é descrito como sendo um Mosteiro.Fica situado serca de 5Kms de um dos grandes portos a data (viana do lima ,hoge Viana do Castelo) do lado sul e a serca de 5 Kms da costa (nao sendo vizivel da mesma )Estando longe de qualquer sentro polÃtico ou (religioso). REPLY o HTTP://SITEBUZZ.TECH/SUSTAINABLEBRANDS.COM on OCTOBER 7, 2016 4:25 PM Máis alá das imaxenes que se nos enviaron desde a lúa como evidencia de que o ser humano estivo nela, o que debemos aceptar é que a nosa tecnoloxÃa era nese momento suficiente para realizar este tipo de viaxes e, polo tanto, non ten sentido poñelo en dúbida.Pero un ser humano formado e actual non pode ter ningún tipo de base cientÃfica que lle permita afirmar que se pode viaxar polo espazo á velocidade da luz. REPLY o HTTP://WWW./ on NOVEMBER 5, 2016 2:01 AM “HD” but some are 720p and others are 1080p. You can’t buy a TV without HD. so why include it?Reminds me of in the early 90s when the WWW was considered “young”. Because there were few high speed access, people were using dial up modems. So the term “Internet Ready” was born. All it meant was that the computer had a modem included. REPLY 39. BLACK DYNAMITE on MARCH 26, 2015 5:56 PM Thank you for whoever made this article I’m a male I’m 20 and this is true, I have a girlfriend that I’ve been dating over s year now and my mom does the “that’s my man” or always makes jokes about how she’s the only woman in life. Bullshit, I love my mom as a mom that’s it. I hate when she do that. I try to tell her to stop she gets mad, and this isn’t the first time she’s done this. Same thing happened with my ex. Like I wish she finds a man, I’ve been wanting her to get married or date for a long time now. I ain’t her man I’m her son. REPLY 40. BRE on MARCH 27, 2015 11:47 PM This article isn’t really written that well and the picture is misleading given the fact that the author does NOT want people to believe that emotional incest has any physical factor to it. Also it just keeps going around in circles saying that emotional incest is when a child becomes a substitute, surrogate, or replacement spouse. Be more descriptive and give more details on how the child is acting as a surrogate/substitute/replacement spouse rather than saying the same thing using different words. There’s only two or three sentences that really go beyond that and even then it still needs examples. “The parent’s need for companionship is met through the child (how?). The child is bound to the parent by excessive feelings of responsibility for the welfare of the parent (emotional welfare? Give an example.)The demand for loyalty to the lonely, needy parent overwhelms the child and becomes the major organizing experience in the child’s development. (how does it affect the child’s development?)” REPLY 41. OLIVIA on MARCH 29, 2015 6:43 PM I am asking that you please remove this picture from your article and replace it with a different one. I am a huge fan of the person pictured and in no way does this article pertain to her. I think you need to do some research before you attach someone’s picture to such an article. REPLY 42. KAYLA CARTER on MARCH 29, 2015 7:14 PM WOW, You should take this down because I know Chilli wouldn’t like that picture of her son and her on here. You’re making it seem like she is in a intimate relationship with her son. That’s not the case and you should take this down before it becomes a court case. REPLY o BELLE on JUNE 8, 2016 2:51 AM Life is short, and this article saved vaabulle time on this Earth. REPLY o HTTP://WWW./ on JULY 3, 2016 6:06 PM I need software that can actually help me create articles from scratch, not just rewrite articles. I need original content for my website because of the dupication penalty from Google. But I understand that MAC has an article submitter, which is why I’m considering it. I have narrowed my choices down to MAC or IAW. Does anybody have any personal experience using either or both of these article marketing programs? And which one would be the best for article marketing if you can only choose one of them? REPLY o HTTP://WWW.THPRO8.COM/ on JULY 8, 2016 2:14 PM It’s a joy to find someone who can think like that REPLY o KFZ VERSICHERUNG KÜNDIGUNGSFRIST ÖSTERREICH on OCTOBER 12, 2016 3:53 PM This brings back memories. I loved making quick, easy hair bows and flower clips when my girls were little – then you soon are asked to make bows for the whole cheer team REPLY 43. L RENEE on MARCH 30, 2015 12:48 AM I was in a marriage where this was the case between my ex and his mother. This kind of relationship is toxic and the spouse or partner will lose out unless the spouse or partner recognizes the sickness of the situation and does something about it. This was the most intensely exhausting relationship I have ever been in and will never go down this road again. REPLY 44. JESSE on APRIL 13, 2015 3:17 PM This article is so on point! I am dealing with the same issue but extreme..I’m an only child, my parents got separated and my mom is in the house by herself. I graduated from college two years ago, have a decent job as a web designer and been desperately wanting to move out, but every time I try to, she cries, tells me she will die if I leave, tells me she won’t have anything to do with me or speak to me if I move out and to not bother calling her or checking on her to make sure she is ok! I barely date, have big intimacy problems with women and even just friendships, she hates all my friends especially the female ones and call them all b*tches. She tells me that I am the only good thing in her life and she needs me even if it;s just to know I;m in the house coming home late at night. She talks to men, but has not pursued anything past texting and phone conversations. She says she doesn’t desire being with a man sexually which is her business, but she won;t even go out with a man because she feels she has been betrayed and hurt so badly by my dad, but she expects me to take her out all the time and be her everything. I finally realized I need to move out and move on to my own thing or I am going to go crazy. I love her and even now struggle with wondering if I am the only thing keeping her alive an feel like every day she might die if I do anything that goes against her. ladies and gentlemen, I have seriously been living in Hell! REPLY o [email protected] on JANUARY 27, 2016 8:01 AM Get out Jesse. You are very much like my husband and omg your life has been robbed utterly and fused inside her to your destruction. Do you think she genuinely loves you??? Real love of a mother is letting you go so that you can have your own LIFE and your own woman or partner who is meant to be THEE most important priority and love in your life. Leave guilt and shame behind because they are how she has manipulated you. She made you responsible for her own happiness at the expense of your entire life, manhood and independence. Break up with her and establish clear boundaries if you decide to let her back in. Only allow minimal communication and make it clear that she is an out sider and that your life is none of her business. DO NOT ENGAGE personally or confide together as she has rigged you to do. Run, run far far away and REPLY 45. ANDRANI on APRIL 25, 2015 11:09 PM Jesse, look up narcissistic parenting. It sounds like that’s what you’re dealing with and also a lot of these posts. It’s emotional abuse where the child ends up feeling responsible for the well being of the parent. The parent uses the child as a source of \narcissistic supply\, or attention, and throws a tantrum when the child grows up and seeks independence. The look at it as betrayal or being ungrateful for all they’ve sacrificed for you.The child becomes the parent and the parent becomes the child. The disorder stems from childhood. Some kind of childhood trauma. Usually the children of narcissistic parents either become co-dependent or narcissists themselves. It’s generational. Most likely her parents were even worse than she is. The only way to break the chain is to realize what it is you’re dealing with and seek therapy to heal from the damage caused by the abuse. Narcissists won’t seek therapy because in their world, they’re perfect and without fault. It’s recommended to go \no contact\ with these people as they are unlikely to ever change. Having narcissistic parents myself (father is worse), i know the tricks: manipulation,silent treatment, threats of disownment, etc. if you don’t do what they want you to. People like this should not have kids because they’re having them to fill a void within themselves and it’s bound to backfire when the child grows up. They don’t seem to factor that in. They seem to think the child will always remain dependent on them. It causes a tremendous amount of damage that the kid often has to spend a lifetime recovering from just to be at the emotional stage of their contemporaries. And because we are empathetic people, guilt is normal. They, however, don’t have the ability to empathize. But there comes a time when we have to realize that it’s not our job to make anyone else happy, especially not at the expense of our own happiness. We can do our best, love our parents as much as we can, but we come first. REPLY 46. JOHN on DECEMBER 15, 2015 6:04 PM Hello, i’d like to share with you a huge concern regarding my mother age 67 and my brother age 34, unfortunately she still is taking care of him, mother works a full time job.My brother has been involved with gangs,has gone to prison and is a felon.My brother recently allowed his 19 yr old girlfriend to move in same 1 bedroom apartment.They all sleep in the same bedroom, mother sleeps on a matress next to their matress. i dont understand how my mother doesnt see this as very unhealthy especially with the age gap and my brother not being a productive citizen.She always makes excuses for him.Within the last ten years she has purcahsed 3 cars for him all have been repossessed.I see this being beyond co-dependancy, my mother is widowed.Maybe the years of my father being an alcoholic has affect her in some way.Mother is only one financially supporting herself and my brother.I’ve never heard of any similar case with any friend or family member.I truley believe my mother has some undiagnosed mental condition and the same for my brother,Hes always been in trouble as a small child going back to kindergarden and remember he is now 34, drinks, smokes weed and mother kows this. REPLY 47. [email protected] on JANUARY 26, 2016 3:33 AM Emotional incest has the same adult repercussions as physical incest. They are bound inside a place where no boundaries exist and the developing sexuality and loyalty become literally bound in the parent that is making the child emotionally responsible for their needs. It is a cluster fuck in damage and as a wife of a victim of this I can tell you that the damage is utterly horrifying on almost all levels. In terms of damage there is very little difference between having experienced incest physically or emotionally because to the victim they become so screwed up they can barely have any kind of a relationship with a partner. They are constantly drowning in a sea of shame, guilt, rage, sexual addiction and a love hate relationship with women (if it is a male surrogate victim). I as a result feel rage for his mother for what she has done to my husband because much of the damage is irreversible although there is much healing and correction if they are willing. I am sick to my stomach and feel a real fury against his mother meanwhile she continues to enmesh him and triangulate me with her manipulations which are pointless. As a result of this damage we are forced to move to the opposite side of the country just to get away from the damaging presence because she never stops and is even defiant when confronted. It’s so twisted and sick I have no words and only feel a deep hatred for her and if anything I have to keep myself from raging. Unbelievable that this shit is allowed to happen without punishment! REPLY 48. [email protected] on JANUARY 26, 2016 5:41 AM The sickest part is how mothers serve their surrogate son husbands to the point where the child is made out to feel like he is loved, served and even groomed in narcissism and either a hatred for women, a user misogynist mentality in objectifying and using women for his purposes without regard and should he want a relationship his expectations of a woman demand perfection, fantasy and his idealistic version that is utterly devoid of the person or their actual identity of BEING. When the real you starts breaking and shattering their delusion of what you should be then you receive the rage filled devil narcissist abuser. This takes years to undo and the journey is so painful I don’t even know what to tell people. They literally have to break up with their mothers just to be able to put themselves in a position to start healing with help and support from real love and real relationships. I remember that the second he discovered that I was a normal human being with weaknesses, a past and mistakes just like anyone else it seemed like his world was shattered and the harsh judgements and almost near dissolution of the relationship because in his mind anything outside the fantasy he had built for himself was demonized. Even to this day years later I have to be careful because he can instantly demonize me for normal human behaviors that in his mind are representative of his extreme need to control and preserve what he loves, yet everything is distorted and judgement and punishment go hand in hand, a thing that is brutal to live with when you love such a victim. There is so much to say and so much to write but where does one begin? Shall we talk about sex addiction and a brutal disposition of compulsive constant lust filled addiction, self medication and daily impulses? Shall we discuss how that all impacts the partner and what we have to endure just to love such a person? Shall we discuss how they are emotionally underdeveloped and fight constantly with distorted thinking when they are even slightly triggered? And on the subject of triggers well that in itself is an endless topic because they suffer from an endless array of triggers that often have no bearing in reality but instead are a result of their fear of intimacy, rejection, abandonment, judgement, constant assessing, constant watching for anything that is perceived as a lie or distortion or disregularity or simply their fears and sabotaging? Where oh where do I begin? I could write a book and maybe one day I will because these deadly mothers who are killers need to read a book written just for them and their murderous deeds. I really hope my husband finds this post because the truth needs to be revealed and exposed once and for all! I remember my husband saying to me once long long ago \I live like a king, why would I want the trouble and inconvenience of a woman. I have my own personal servant and everything is done for me. Why would I leave to go and struggle just to be with a woman?\ Seriously this is actually what he was brain washed to believe and he actually believed and felt that he mommy loved him and was protecting him from the big bad world. What he didn’t realize was that she had utterly castrated him. Not only his manhood but his own identity and robbed him of his entire life. She killed him essentially while making him her captive under the guise of ‘falsely loving him’ while all the while she was raping him daily, feeding off of him and stealing his life so that her emotional needs could be met because she had a loveless marriage and was a victim of incest herself. She made him her surrogate husband and essentially made him emotionally and sexually responsible for her happiness as a woman at the expense of his entire life, identity and developing manhood. At the expense of not being able to have his own relationships, love, life and freedom in any way shape or form. He was her total slave and even though she seduced him by doing everything for him, laundry, cooking, providing a free place to live and cleaning, changing his sheets to make it look like she was the sacrificial lamb in fact it was the other way around. She is a diabolical manipulative destroyer and killer and will use anything so as to seduce and make her prey feel indebted, loyal and wrapped in guilt and shame should he maneuver towards emancipation and his own freedom. She will make him feel utterly guilty to the point where his torment brings on terrible repercussions emotionally, sexually and in general coping skills in all things life and relationships. As for me I was almost such a victim but thankfully my father realized it and disengaged and told me when I was young to leave and forge my own path in life and that was the best thing I ever did. It is heartbreaking and for those of us who love these men or women I can only say it is a terrible torture of injustice and constant fighting against triggers, dysfunctions, emotional dysregulation, unfair judgements, rage, volatility, defense and constantly wading through one distortion after another while trying to have and forge an adult relationship based on adult intimacy and healthy love. A thing that at times seems impossible and more like a mirage. All these years later it’s as fresh as it was from day one and internally my personal disgust and feelings of literally fighting a war with his mother while she is constantly maneuvering to be his wife and trying to make him respond and treat her like she is the woman who is most important in his life. Thankfully she knows that she can’t manipulate me and that I see her game and have put clear boundaries down although the real boundaries have to come from them and it is mandatory that they break up with their ‘significant’ parent and that clear boundaries are established ensuring that their spouse is their priority and their number one most important and precious significant other. Mothers are not the spouse of the sons and as mothers they need to understand that their sons have their own lives and partners and this has nothing to do with their mothers. Mothers need to let go of their sons and let them live their lives with their partners being their priority and the person they love the most in the world. However, his mother continues to be defiant even in the face of him pleading to her to back off and being told of the damage she is responsible for yet at the same time she is playing by trying to be nice to me and seem like she is the holy sacrificial lamb at the alter of my husband. REPLY 49. CINDY on APRIL 1, 2016 3:31 AM OMG this thread was just what I needed right now. I moved to NYC, the Big Apple, and got involved with two different first generation South American guys from Roman Catholic families, one right after the other. BIG MISTAKE. I am a first generation European American who is blonde with green eyes, but have always had a fetish for dark men. These men initially courted me and made me feel like the most special woman in the world. We had great sexual experiences, and in any normal relationship, it would have led to normal dating, then marriage, then children. But in the case of these two men, it didn’t. In both cases, they claimed “not be be Catholic”, but they still ACTED Catholic because they were raised that way and it was in their family. They were encouraged to worship and take care of their mothers, who were dependent on them for emotional support – just how much and the depth of that support, I didn’t understand until I had been involved. The first one I dated was a particularly bad case of being his mother’s surrogate husband. His mother had been the “other woman”, and the father had gone back and forth between his family and his “real” family. His mother depended on him emotionally, when his father was not there. Eventually when he was in his 30s, the father completely left the family and dumped the care of the mother onto him. He lived with his mother, still slept in his same room that he had when he was a kid, and barely worked because it was a subsidized apartment that didn’t cost much. He was an alcoholic and a compulsive womanizer whom I fell in with during a bad and lonely period of my life. We had great sex so I ended up falling in love with the guy, only to be rejected for a “real” relationship once I actually loved him. I found out that his family was the “other” family and his father counted on him to help support his mother since he was actually in a polygamous situation with two families to support. In his fantasies, he was this big womanizer who had all these women and refused to give himself to a real relationship. The reality was that he wasn’t “allowed” to have a real relationship, that might interfere with him taking care of his mom, he was her “husband” (gross!!!!!). The second guy I dated was from the same type of South American Roman Catholic background (I didn’t learn the first time). He also refused to have a “real” relationship and said that he had “problems attaching to anyone”. I was sleeping with him on and off for about 3 years. I would stop speaking to him because he was stringing me along, but then he would find me out at a club after some drinks and I’d end up hooking up with him again, despite my better judgement. It turns out that his father was an emotionally unavailable alcoholic who was much older than his mother, and his mother was closer in mentality to him and his siblings than his father. I guess it’s common in underdeveloped countries like in South America, that young daughters are encouraged to marry men much older than them to get established wealth. But this sets the stage for them to identify much more with their children than their husband – and to depend on their son emotionally, far more than their husband. I see a pattern in people who come from these places, and it makes me hesitant to try a relationship like this, ever again. I wasted 2 years with one and 3 years with the other. Neither of these guys could have successful relationships, they are still single after all this time, still drinking, still miserable but won’t seek counseling. Wont find out what’s really wrong with them. Both are under the delusion that when THEY are ready, they will get into a relationship with a much younger woman and stay married for the rest of their lives. The trouble is, they are already in their 40s. We do not live in a 3rd world country, so there are very few young women who are willing to enter a marriage with someone that much older than them, especially if they aren’t millionaires – one of them is lower middle class and lives in a government subsidized apartment. He’s no “sugar daddy”. And no women are going to put up with the mother being number one, over top of her, and the problems and damage it has caused. Women in the USA just aren’t that desperate, they will leave as I myself have done. These guys both think that they can get a relationship with a great girl, keep it, marry her and have children and have a family on THEIR terms, when THEY decide they are ready (when the mom is on her deathbed?). But the reality is that they now have no experience with relationships at an older age and are their mother’s surrogate husband, so they will lose that marriage, should they even get it. They will end up divorced, paying for children that they either share joint custody of or don’t have any custody of, back on the market in their 50s, 60s etc. What a mess. If they ever seek counseling it would be a miracle and it’s highly unlikely, since their culture tells them that they are doing the “right thing” by making their mother #1, and they come from generations of this dysfunction. In inner city areas, the dysfunction is rampant. There are a lot of people who come from very backward cultures of scarcity and deprivation, who are really messed up. I come from a suburban American background, and I was not prepared to deal with this. I saw handsome men and went for them, not realizing that I was headed straight into unapologetic emotional incest so firmly embedded that those involved have no hope of relief and will never seek counseling on these issues. I’m grateful that I was emotionally strong and well informed enough to understand that I needed counseling and receive it. I was able to cut off both situations although I loved both men, and move on fairly quickly to someone who did not have these issues. So if you’re going to move to a city, just WATCH OUT – THIS is what is lurking there. I know emotional incest issues can exist in almost every type of family, but in this environment it’s particularly bad. I was very young and without family support when I moved to NYC so I didn’t have a clue what I was dealing with, there was nobody to give me advice – my family was also dysfunctional but in different ways, so I wasn’t communicating with them. REPLY 50. LULU on APRIL 20, 2016 11:24 AM My boyfriends mother always tries to come between us. My bf has his own house and when we first met, he didn’t say his mama lived with him (he as her landlord…) I eventually learnt this to the case. Had no problems with it initially until the psuedo husband/wife dynamic became clear. They were domestic and did all of their grocery shopping together and would talk about things like its good the the power bill isn’t so high this month etc, in front of me when I was visiting. The house was decked out like it was hers – while he owned the house everything in it actually belonged to her, the tv, the couch, the fridge, toaster etc. This is a long story but problems started early – I’m a student and I work part time. Where I’m from you can get a kind of student supplement benefit. Boyfriends mum so happened to work for this very agency who deal with beneficiary allowances… I had to see them one day to see if I could get financial assistance for a wisdom tooth removal (on their records it still said I was single and in fact it’s only necessary that they know if you’re in a relationship if you live together because if you live together they seem you “defacto” and will decrease any entitlement to your student benefit allowance). Anyway the case manager I saw that day asked me if I was single and I said yes (bf and I had only been dating a few months and weren’t living together) case manager proceeded to tell me that she knew I was in a relationship (bc my boyfriends mother who just so happened to work for them had told her!) breach of privacy right?? I was furious and I didn’t visit his house for a long time. Eventually I moved on and visited again but was wary of her and knew she hated me. When my bf and I were in his room with the door closed, she would open it anytime without knocking, not caring that we could be getting intimate. It was bothering no me so I asked my bf to think about getting a lock on his bedroom door. He said he’d get into it but he didn’t act fast enough bc one morning we were in his room (door was closed – we were in bed – we were intimate and having sex) and his mum barges in without knocking and most mothers walking in on that would close the door right? Straight away they would. Not her! Bf told her to get out and she didn’t listen she just said “(s), where’s the washing powder?” She actually repeated that question and I had laryngitis that day and asked her to please shut the door, then she did. I was shaking… Horrified… I asked my bf to take me home and I was shocked that he didn’t yell at her or confront her. I was to learn this inability to confront his mother would be an ongoing pattern… Fast forward to this year and we decided we wanted to live together but under no circumstances was I going to live with her and of exist in a strange triangle… So my bf had his mother move out and get her own place. One day prior to this move she told my bf to tell his “girlfriend” to show her “the proper respect” … Again he didn’t respond or engage in conflict or even attempt to stick up for me. I had already made it clear that loyalty was important and he had to stick up for me. She moved out and I moved in a week or so later and then she breached my privacy with the benefit agency again. The people who look after the student side of things texted me and asked me to call them. I rang and asked and they told me they had been “advised” I was in a “defacto” relationship. I had lived with him only eleven days at that point and the Uni semester hadn’t even started so she was jumping not the gun! I hadn’t even received payments from them yet. I told them I was and I decided to cancel my application for student financial support bc I assumed his full time wage combined with my part time would mean I was no longer entitled to anything. I was furious because I *knew* she was behind it as revenge bc she was angry at being told to move out, angry at her son choosing his partner over her, in her eyes. Well I sent a complaint to her work about this breach of privacy and it’s taken a good few months and I still haven’t received the outcome of the investigation. His mum is an idiot though and asked him to stop by her house last week.. She told him that she was “cleared of everything weeks ago” and as a response I was apparently being investigated for fraud. Well if that’s the case that’s ludicrous and its third party information sharing. I should find out outcomes via an official letter not through the employee who works for them, his mother! She is a dangerous woman who seems to be putting her job on the line just to come between us. Well I sent off more complaints following this and I have also sent a complaint to the CEO of the organisation… But it’s all very stressful… I cry a lot about it and am thinking I might have to get legal advice. She’s determined to try and ruin our relationship and of course he’s hates me now, now that I stood up for myself and made it known I wouldn’t let her bully me… But I believe she hated me from the moment she realised her son was dating me… I even tried to reach out to her after she told my bf to tell me to show her “the proper respect”. I wrote a letter saying that he and I just wanted to live our own lives and that it didn’t mean she wouldn’t see her son again and I said if I’ve somehow offended you I’m sorry… Never got a response back, never received an apology… Instead I get her using her position at her workplace to try and threaten me. I think my bf has finally realised I’m not joking about walking away from him if he doesn’t stand up for me but I know that it’s not his natural inclination. He believes her bullshit and is under her spell in many ways… I don’t see how she truly loves him in a pure and sincere way if she can’t accept his choices, can’t accept me, and is actively trying to ruin this relationship.
http://windsofchangeonline.com/2015/09/30/how-a-parents-inappropriate- emotional-behavior-could-be-hurting-you/ How A Parent’s Inappropriate Emotional Behavior Could Be Hurting You Posted on September 30, 2015 by admin If you have a relationship with your parent that feels uncomfortable some of the time, causes you frustration, or is causing problems for you with your partner and children, you may be a victim of emotional incest. This article is about how to recognize and distinguish it from a normal relationship along with acknowledging the effects it may have had on you, and how to get help to cope with this situation. Inappropriate Parental Behavior Emotional incest is a dysfunctional emotional intimacy between a parent and their offspring. Another term for it is “surrogate spouse syndrome.” Unnatural intimacy would include: * Confiding in a child about relationship problems they are having with a spouse or partner. * Talking about emotional problems, or their sex life, or other adult subjects with a child. * Turning a daughter into a surrogate wife and mother when becoming a single parent. * Turning a son into a surrogate husband and father or “man of the house” when becoming a single parent. * Leaning too heavily on an adult child when they have other options. * Avoiding other relationships with other adults who are peers while treating child like a peer. This is not to say that a child should not take on additional responsibilities when times are difficult. Children can sense when parents are struggling, and it can improve their self esteem and self reliance to help their families when there is a need. However, the child should still feel secure in the knowledge that their parent is looking out for them protectively, and does not expect them to fix everything. A parent should not make a child into their special confidant on things they are not equipped to handle, or on things so personal that it makes the child or even an adult child feel uncomfortable. The Effects on Children A child may feel some pride to fill an adult role for a time, but continual pressure to do this can eventually cause you to feel as though you were robbed of childhood. Also, it is a form of abandonment, because while you are acting in an unnatural role, you aren’t getting your own needs met. Since the boundaries have been crossed in your family of origin, you will have trouble setting meaningful and appropriate boundaries as adult. You may: * Feel guilty about expressing your own needs or taking care of yourself. * Feel inadequate. * Have problems with substance abuse, issues with food, sex addiction. * Have avoidant traits. * Have problems with ever feeling truly relaxed. * Be either a workaholic or a chronic underachiever. You could also have a problem with being somewhat passive-aggressive. You don’t seem to know how to say no to requests, but then you don’t carry things through to completion, you forget things, you are late to meetings or social events, or you don’t put your heart into doing a requested task. These behaviors would naturally annoy and frustrate your spouse, children, coworkers, or friends. Help To Overcome These Issues and Heal A therapist, such as Headwaters Counseling, can help you to unravel the issues and tangled emotions you have. They can help you learn to set healthy boundaries with the parent and with others. You can learn to recognize your feelings of abandonment and how they impact your life as an adult. Finally, you can work towards learning to re-parent yourself and overcome codependence.