page 2 the paper march 7, 2018

Fordham, pg. 3 Baseball Hats, pg. 9 Black Panther, pg. 15 F & L, pg. 21-22 Earwax, pg. 23

the paper “What midterm majorly screwed you over?” c/o Office of Student Involvement Editors-in-Chief Fordham University Colleen “I’m in France” Burns Bronx, NY 10458 Claire “Interest Group Politics” Nunez [email protected] Executive Editor http://fupaper.blog/ Michael Jack “All of the Above” O’Brien News Editors the paper is Fordham’s journal of news, analysis, comment and review. Students from all Christian “Espagnol” Decker years and disciplines get together biweekly to produce a printed version of the paper using Andrew “Faith and Critical Reason” Millman Adobe InDesign and publish an online version using Wordpress. Photos are “borrowed” from Opinions Editors Internet sites and edited in Photoshop. Open meetings are held Tuesdays at 9:00 PM in McGin- Jack “Spanish” Archambault ley 2nd. Articles can be submitted via e-mail to [email protected]. Submissions from Hillary “Midterms” Bosch students are always considered and usually published. Our staff is more than willing to help new writers develop their own unique voices and figure out how to most effectively convey their Arts Editors thoughts and ideas. We do not assign topics to our writers either. The process is as follows: Meredith “Exit Level Spanish” McLaughlin have an idea for an article, send us an e-mail or come to our meetings to pitch your idea, write Annie “I did well on all of them” Muscat the article, work on edits with us, and then get published! We are happy to work with anyone Earwax Editor who is interested, so if you have any questions, comments or concerns please shoot us an e- Marty “We will see” Gatto mail or come to our next meeting. So, why come write for us? We are a constantly evolving publication, and have been since Features and List Editors 1972. We provide an outlet of expression otherwise unavailable to Fordham students. Writers Katelynn “We forgot to ask” Browne are free to say whatever they want, whenever they want. We are also pretty cool people, to be Olivia “Anthropology” Langenberg completely honest. So please come hang out with us. You’ll have a good time, we promise. Copy Editor Robin “None” Happel our aim David “English Theory” Kennedy the paper is Fordham University’s fully student-run, free speech publication. Our aim is to challenge our writers and our readers: we want to make you think. We provide an outlet for all Contributors students to express themselves, whatever their passion may be. Whether it’s commenting on a Gabby Curran, Mary Freeze, Cleo Filis, Jorge Martinez, Isha Khawaja, Cadila social issue, writing a factual news article, making people laugh with a humor piece, composing Vaz, Stew Epstien, Birds, A Bad Cold, Midtermz, Kanye, Cartooning, Staff a personal narrative, giving advice or ranting about something that makes you feel a certain Bonding, RuPaul, Blowing a Whistle, Barry Benson, Katy Perry, Dan, Claire’s strong way -- we have a place for you. Because of our platform as a free speech newspaper, we Shit Playlists on Spotify, Spotify (pls sponser us), Metal Butt Plugs, Hello Kitty, tend to push the boundaries of university journalism by talking about important social issues, Amazon Prime, Estralittas, The Oscar’s, Bees, Oranges, Bananas, All of the expressing otherwise silenced voices and opinions, addressing Fordham policy and administra- Produce, DJ Khaled, Baseball Hats, Al Sharpton, BLTs, Pizza, Late Night Talks, tion, and starting serious conversations about what is important to our student body. Here at Lost Lingerie, The Powder Puff Girls, Peaches, A Good Egg, Madonna the paper, we encourage creativity and uniqueness, spark dialogue and discussion, and foster a community where students are free to fully express themselves. march 7, 2018 the paper page 3

Fordham Issues Statement on Student Protests by Michael Jack O’Brien Fordham takes stand on protests after school shooting Executive Editor for gun control were led by adults, demonstration policies when she escort. Demonstrations in progress by What do you define as free speech? this time it appears that students are organized a rally in support of the students must be ceased immediately In our age of hyper-politicization, the leading the charge, headed by student banned student organization Students if the administration believes that the definition of free speech has become activists such as Emma Gonzales and for Justice in Palestine. While some movement had violated school policy, gray with well-founded opinions and and continuing to protest is grounds for hate-speech intersecting on social school reprimand. media. Fordham University and free One does not need to be a comedian There’s our Prez speech have had, well to put it lightly, to understand the irony of this situation. a complicated relationship. While Protests in their nature are designed Fordham claims to be champions to be disruptive, to demand attention. of peaceful and respectful student With this in mind, it can be argued demonstrations it has also shown that the policies set out by the school on multiple occasions to be rather regarding on-campus demonstrations controlling of student speech and are deliberately restrictive. While you protest. The latest chapter in this story can protest, said protest must be as occurred last week when the Office of quiet and unobtrusive as possible, the President released a statement which as previously stated, is the exact regarding demonstrations against gun opposite of what protests aim to do. violence. The letter reads the following We must ask then if these policies “The University strongly advocates are violations of free speech. What that our students turn their concern responsibility does Fordham have to into action by leading letter-writing David Hogg, two students of Stoneman might believe that these were isolated its students? In truth, the answer is campaigns to Washington and to the Douglas that had watched as their incidents, the incidents show a trend in not much, Fordham can only be held legislatures in their home states. This friends and classmates were gunned how the university deals with student accountable for the safety and conduct is an essential step if we wish to effect down, and are dedicated to the cause demonstrations that in one form or of their students; and moreover, have change. Fordham University affirms of #NeverAgain. another violates school policy. no obligation to allow free speech on that it is not only a civic responsibility A statement by Fordham reassuring their private property, as they are not a to curtail gun violence, but a mandate its faculty and student body that The new statement by the governmental body. dictated by Catholic, Jesuit teachings protest regarding gun control will not administration uses the term “peaceful In conclusion, while the statement on the the sanctity of life. In accord lead to reprimand is heartening, but and respectful protest” to describe by the administration is a good with that position and the University’s also raises questions regarding the demonstrations that are in line with sign regarding student protests, we demonstration policy, currently enrolled universities past behavior on student school policy. However, this is not the cannot forget that underneath these Fordham students will face no student led demonstration. For example, it’s only parameter that needs to be met. statements are policies that are conduct sanctions for peaceful and been less than a year since members The student handbook’s demonstration inherently designed to be restrictive respectful demonstrations against gun of the student activist group Fordham policy shows a litany of requirements and obtrusive, stifling the ability for violence on or off campus.” Students United were barred from for what Fordham calls “peaceful students to effectively demonstrate. The letter was sent in the wake of the entering the campus during Spring and respectful protest” including that As shown by the massive uproar and Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School Weekend due to a demonstration demonstrations must not physically backlash against the student activists shooting, where 17 students and faculty at Cuniffe House in which students hinder entrances or exits to buildings, fighting for gun control, with some far lost their lives. But more important attempted to enter the building create any disruptive volume of noise, right pundits even going so far as to than that, is the massive mobilization without “prior authorization” by the or congregate in any building in which call them “actors”, there will always be of young Americans unified in calls for University. This occurred only months doing so would disrupt that building’s disdain for student demonstration, it is gun safety laws. This movement has after another incident where Lincoln purpose. Moreover, all demonstrations yet to be seen if the same will be true created waves in the American political Center student Sapphira Lurie was must be approved by the Dean of for Fordham in the near future. sphere, and while traditionally calls charged with violating the universities Students and include a public safety page 4 the paper march 7, 2018 The Trump-Russia Investigation: An Update on Our Nation’s Leader by Christian Decker News from the scandal John Oliver calls, “Stupid Watergate” News Editor confident that he will be acquitted could be big news for the Russia He did this by assembling a It has been over a year since of all charges. The new allegations investigations. It’s possible that “Super VIP” group, which was full the FBI first informed us that our against Mr. Manafort, once again, Gates could give up Manafort of European politicians who could election was hacked by agents have nothing to do with Russia and even some higher ups in lobby without being directly related of the Russian government. It and 2016 election interference/ the White House in exchange for to the Ukrainian government. was revealed that potentially collusion. Mr. Manafort is confident a lighter sentence. NBC claims a member of the Trump team, that he will be acquitted, and that “the agreement, which Through all of this, Manafort maybe even the president himself violations of his constitutional rights requires Gates to cooperate continues to deny that he is guilty, had colluded with Russia agents will be remedied.” on ‘all matters’ prosecutors which is honestly laughable at this to give himself a boost over Hillary As of now, the White House has deem relevant, appears to be a point. In his defense, Manafort Clinton in the 2016 Presidential not issued any statements regarding good deal for both sides. Gates said: “I had hoped and expected my election. Results business colleague would have had have been relatively the strength to continue the battle inconclusive over the to prove our innocence,” he added, past year. At the start referring to Gates. “For reasons yet of this investigation, to surface he chose to do otherwise. Special Counsel This does not alter my commitment Robert “Sherlock to defend myself against the untrue Holmes” Muller was piled up charges contained in the assigned to oversee indictments against me.” the investigation into whether or not the The investigation is continuing Trump campaign did in at full capacity it would seem. fact commit treason. Mueller has also gotten Alex van der Many months, and Zwaan to plead guilty to the charges many indictments It’s Mueller Time! that he lied to the Mueller team including that of Paul about contact with Rick Gates. It’s “Fredo” Manafort, worth noting that he’s the son of a Trump’s former Russian oligarch. He has also been campaign manager, able to interview higher ups in the and also Russians in White House, including former White the U.S. who are being House chief strategist Steve “Ugly accused of influencing Nazi” Bannon, Attorney General the election at various Jeff “Racist Asshole” Sessions, campaign rallies. These 13 any of the indictments. Ironically, the could get as little as probation and former FBI Director James Russians are accused of running reasons for this is because according if he keeps up his end of the “Whistleblower” Comey. misinformation campaigns against to the White House, none of this bargain, and Mueller’s case the president’s then opponent has to do with the Trump Campaign against Manafort morphs from With our democracy pretty much Hillary “Hello Fellow Kids” Clinton. or the White House. As you all one built on paper evidence to at stake here. It is essential that may know, this is indeed linked to one in which the star witness Mueller be left to his own devices In a new string of charges, Trump’s election because they were worked hand-in-hand with the to be able to conduct a fair and Muller has accused Manafort, both members of his campaign. defendant.” unbiased investigation. Whether or and another manager, Rick Gates, This is not even including George not this produces more indictments of laundering over 30 million Papadopoulos, who pleaded guilty to In relation to Manafort’s or even charges of treason, it is dollars and not paying their taxes his charges just a few months ago. other charges, he has now also important that we remember that for over 10 years, according to The President even said he didn’t been accused of working with democracy must prevail. If nothing CNN. Manafort’s spokesman, know the guy. Yikes. the Ukrainian government by more comes out of this investigation, Jason Maloni, said in a statement helping to lobby for them in the America will have to accept that that Manafort “is innocent of According to NBC, Rick Gates United States, which is illegal regardless of political leanings and the allegations set out in the has since pleaded guilty to lying to unless you get permission from party affiliation. newly filed indictments and he is investigators and conspiracy. This the U.S. Justice department. march 7, 2018 the paper page 5 Tinder Campaigns to be more Inclusive by Claire Nunez TInder wants to create interracial couple emojis Editor in Chief hookups, bad conversations, and a lot proponent of diversity and inclusion. 14,000 signatures and it has only been of creeps to try and make a change The app has illustrated this by offering a few days. Most of the comments Ah Tinder, the bane of my existence. in the way we view couples that were users the opportunity to choose their are positive and ecstatic; people Like most of my peers, I have the app not made with the traditional cookie gender identity, which is not limited to really want to be represented. It is downloaded on my little iPhone 6s. Do I cutter. I was very pleasantly surprised. just male and female but also includes incredible how simple representation use it often? No, not really. I often swipe non-binary and transgender. This emoji in an emoticon can make a sincere for fun and I rarely answer messages— So first of all, why? Why the heck push seems to be another offshoot difference in someone’s life, even if it sorry to all of you handsome lads out would Tinder challenge social norms? project of what the brand stands for. is in the digital realm. there I have been just blatantly ignoring. Well, the most obvious reason is that it As I was swiping the other day, my is a good marketing technique. There There seems to be an emoji for Tinder may make a real change eye was caught by an ad. Apparently, have been many articles praising everything, which is another reason here. Unicode in the past has been Tinder is working with Change.Org and the dating app for taking a step up. why this campaign is happening. In relatively responsive to changes in Alex Ohanian, the executive chairman Another reason is that the rise of dating 2015, Unicode graced us with the emoji needs— they changed the lobster and co-founder of Reddit as well as the apps has apparently led to a growth in ability to use emojis that represent emoji because it was not anatomically husband of Serena Williams, to petition the percentage of interracial couples people of other races, sexualities, and correct; would anyone actually have Unicode for interracial couples to be in America— or that is at least what even family types in our messages. noticed? Probably, but that is beside represented in emojis. Tinder is claiming on their Change.Org This is why Tinder is claiming that we the point. Apparently, there are some petition. As a student of research, I need to have interracial couple emojis. difficulties in creating an interracial At first when I saw this ad, I had question this statistic. I am going to Tinder wants to #RepresentLove more couple emoji, but I am sure if the to think for a second. Wait, Tinder is claim that this stat is probably just a effectively. demand for one increases enough, politically active? Granted this is a result of coincidence not correlation. Unicode will figure it out. Let’s hope pretty small, not very political venture, Traditional values have been shifting I think it is a bit beautiful that a it is soon, and let’s hope the next roll but it still is challenging social norms… annual and this would probably just be dating app is trying to make changes— out of emojis also gives us more whale in the emoji world at least. I never a result of this change, but I digress. even if it is just in the emoticon realm. emojis too. really expected the app infamous for Tinder also claims to be a strong The petition so far has more than Rev. Al Sharpton visits Fordham, speaks at Keating by David Kennedy The Civil Rights Leader was invited by... the College Libertarians? Copy Editor his visit till late February. The turnout has no core beliefs,” said Sharpton, af- any staying power in American culture. was pretty good considering the event ter recounting his refusal to meet with He went on to discuss how legislation This past week, “in the spirit of fair- landed in the middle of midterms. The the president when he tried to reach was crucial for the success of Martin ness,” the Fordham Libertarians, in audience was mostly comprised of out to black leaders in 2015. Luther King’s organization, the SCLC, cooperation with the College Republi- male Fordham students wearing their For the bulk of the evening, which was where Sharpton got his start cans, invited the Reverend Al Sharpton “I’m-interested-in-politics” suits. Al Sharpton discussed the imperative in 1968, during the Civil Rights move- to speak on campus. For those who Sharpton was introduced twice, first to ban the sale of assault weapons in ment. The reverend also expressed don’t know, Sharpton, along with being by a female Fordham student, then America. The recent mass shooting the view that the only way to prevent a Baptist minister and New York na- by the head of the at Douglas High these kinds of shootings is to ban the tive, is a civil rights leader who got his Fordham Libertar- School in Parkland, sale of military-style assault weapons start during the Civil Rights movement. ians, who wanted Florida has prompt- altogether. Banning accessories such His resume is a mile long, but most re- to know if Roger ed nationwide pro- as bump stocks will not be enough, cently he was an informal political ad- Stone was lying tests in colleges and arming teachers will not serve to visor the Barack Obama, he has been when he said he’d and high schools. prevent future attacks, according to involved with the “Black Lives Matter” had lunch with Students from Sharpton. movement, and he has hosted talk Sharpton during around the country, Towards the end of the event, shows on radio and MSNBC. The Face- his visit in October. especially in Florida the floor was opened for questions from book invitation for “An Evening with Sharpton briefly ad- and DC, are staging attendees. The reverend expressed his Al Sharpton” implies the libertarians dressed this ques- protests and walk- views on Rand Paul, saying he likes conceived this event as an attempt to tion, making it clear outs, rallying behind him more than Roger Stone, and would demonstrate open-mindedness, and that he had not and the slogan “Never have had lunch with him in October. an interest in differing viewpoints af- would not have had lunch with Stone in Again.” Sharpton expressed solidar- Towards the end of the talk, Sharpton ter former Trump campaign manager October. Sharpton then expressed his ity with these student protestors, com- also said he was for the legalization of Roger Stone’s controversial visit in Oc- feelings towards Trump, making it clear mending them for their aim to directly marijuana and was taken aback when tober. that he’s been opposed to the current affect state legislation. If a movement this got the most applause out any- Sharpton was originally sched- president for a long time, not just as of this kind doesn’t manage to pass thing he said that night at a Catholic uled to come in December, but a can- a political figure, but as a public figure any real legislation, Sharpton said, it university. celled flight forced him to reschedule and a businessman as well. “Trump is nearly impossible for them to have page 6 the paper march 7, 2018 Faker than Controversial Preacher, Billy Graham, has Died by Robin Happel God is love, and God does not belong to Graham Truth Copy Editor Even those who’ve never met him or through electroshock or even castra- By Christian Decker sat through his sermons pay a sort tion. He supported Dr. King, but only Billy Graham passed away peace- of homage to him. Especially towards before King began praying for peace fully last Wednesday. In his almost the end of his life, he seemed a sort of in Vietnam. He preached love at Fordham Student becomes first to century of life, his charisma had taken silent, grandfatherly figure, withdrawn times, but also fear, a fear so funda- get Agricultural degree him across countless continents and to the hills of western North Carolina, mental that it has echoed in pastors’ cultures. His role as spiritual advisor having already passed on the torch to polemics for generations. He helped Fordham student and “The pa- to Ronald Reagan was so subtly seis- his more fundamentalist son, Frank- popularize such pageantry as tent re- per” editor, Jack Archambault, is mic that we will likely feel the ripples lin. And, if you weren’t one of the peo- vivals and Judgment Houses, morality starting his own mega-farm. After of his preaching in American politics ple he saw as sinister or sinful, I sup- plays that still spring up in churches graduating Fordham with a PhD, for decades to come. pose it would be easy to never stop throughout the South, a godly alterna- Archambault is now going to revo- seeing him that way. tive to haunted houses for those who lutionize the farming and livestock Everyone deserves to pass on see Halloween as sinful. While their industry. In his operations, he is go- peacefully as Graham did, at an old Billy Graham was one of the last plots differ, the message is essential- ing to bring in more exotic and col- age, celebrated by those they love. of the old guard of the first National ly the same – if you’re not exactly the orful animals and plants ot inspire But this is a belief he did not share. Prayer Breakfasts, the men of god who right strain of Southern Baptist (and both the taste buds and curiosities Both Graham and straight, it goes without of both the United States and the Pat Robertson saying) you will suffer, ei- world. praised Rios Montt, ther now or in the here- To start, dragonfruits are going the Guatemalan after. And so, supposed- to be planted all across his farm- dictator who or- ly, it should be. Whatever ing land. Taken care of primarily by dered the genocide charm or warmth ema- robots all named Jim, these fruits of the Maya. Gra- nated from him was will be one of the prime exports of ham later fanned wrapped around this Archambaults new farm industry. the flames of hyste- polemical pearl. Even “The key” Archambault says, “is top ria as countless gay within his pleas for tol- sell things and grow things that no men were thrown erance, such prejudice one else is selling. It doesn’t matter out of their homes, was still the pole star of how good it is, people are werid so turned away from his preaching. thy’ll pretty much by anything just to hospitals, and left tell their friends that they ate it.” to waste away on Within many of his Archambault’s new farm will the streets. The god sermons was the near also introduce a new animal into Billy Graham be- Neo-platonic sense that the world of farming: the Buramese lieved in was a god we are drifting ever away python. His first python to be deliv- of love, but also one from some true America, ered, is the 30 ft long beast whom of wrath, who used an Elysian world of drive- he has affectionately called Bessie. AIDS to smite his in diners and churches His plan is to raise a large colony enemies, and sup- on every corner that nev- of these large predators, in order ported war crimes er really existed. And he to sell snake meat and the skin in Vietnam. At his was polemical, yes – but for public consumption. “These py- best, Billy Graham saw the beauty in weren’t too godly to judge. He was a also profoundly hopeful. At his great- thons are gonna make me so much all of us. At his worst, his words still man of many contradictions, as quick est, Billy Graham appealed to the money, I mean I know they’re prob- thrum through so much of the South, to change as the weather in the Caro- best in all of us. His legacy is one of ably endangered and stuff like that, the sermons that see other faiths as lina mountains he loved so much. In a profound pain for many, yet he also in- nut our own government is unethi- fearsome, that see different as dan- 1981 speech, he warned that religion spired millions more. The god of Billy cal, so why should I be/” says Ar- gerous. The god of Billy Graham is one had no place in politics, yet served Graham is one of anger, but also one chambault. of both beauty and brutality, both fear as a spiritual advisor to twelve presi- of beauty, of the swans at the center Archambault is also in the pro- and freedom. I know it well, for it is the dents. He thought JFK was a worse of Montreat circling slowly on a sum- cess of extracting cannabis plants god of the town I lived in as a little girl. candidate for being Catholic, yet was mer lake. He will undoubtedly be re- for human consuption, as well as instrumental in building bridges be- membered as a profound influence on ordering lions to be domesticated Before my parents moved back to tween American Evangelicals and the American life. Perhaps he has found and made into more exotic dishes Tennessee, we lived in Montreat, the Church. He once claimed that Jewish peace. Perhaps it is not our place to for the weird of Americans to enjoy resort town built on Graham’s wealth. people controlled the media, yet is re- say. And I pray for the ghosts of Gua- on their Sunday brunches and at I drive home along a highway that membered for his relative tolerance in temala, the spirits of the sick and suf- their oddly times dinner parties. bears his name. His voice still crack- later life, and interest in interfaith soli- fering he swept aside, the many chil- les through the stereos of countless darity. He apologized for saying AIDS dren of God he never learned to love gas stations and cafés. In parts of was a punishment from God, yet also – may they have peace as well, and the South, he is almost an institution. demanded that gay men be tortured may we honor their memory. march 7, 2018 the paper page 7 The PyeongChang Olympics Recap Realer by Katelyn Cody The triumphs and sorrows of the games Staff Olympian program, jeopardizing the U.S.’s Rippon and Kenworthy have also The 2018 Winter Olympics Than standings in the event. However, been very vocal about their criticism kicked off in PyeongChang, after outstanding performances of Vice President Mike Pence’s role South Korea with the opening from Alexa and Chris Knierim, as an ambassador to PyeongChang. ceremony on Friday, February 9. Fact Maia and Alex Shibutani, On the ski slopes there were The competition actually kicked By Andrew Millman Bradie Tennell, Adam Rippon, many falls and missed opportunities. off a couple days early on the 7 and Mirai Nagasu the U.S. was Olympic skiing superstar, Lindsey Tabloid has latest Hawk Gossip for sports like Alpine Skiing and able to slide into third, behind Vonn, came in as a medal favorite luge. Additionally, because of the The New York Post recently took Canada in second and the for the U.S. despite having several time difference between here a break from publishing the latest Olympic Athletes from Russia setbacks over the past couple of and South Korea, NBC started celebrity gossip to focus on the in first. It was during that team years with various injuries and broadcasting the figure skating important issues, namely the event that Mirai Nagasu made surgeries. However, she only placed romantic lives of three hawks in team event on Thursday, probably history as the first American 3rd in the Ladies’ Downhill event Tompkins Square Park. Or, as they so they could make more money woman and third woman overall and due to a missed gate, she did tell it: “Hawks’ messy love triange in ads, but hey figure skating is to successfully land a triple axel not medal at all in the Ladies’ Alpine is the talk of this NYC Park: Jilted one of the most popular Winter hawk discovers her nest is home on Olympic ice. Combined. Thanks to Mikaela Olympic sports. to a third bird.” Red-tailed hawks Red Gerard, the 17-year-old Shiffrin’s 2nd place finish, the U.S. Normally, you would think Christo and Dora have been seen snowboarder from Colorado, was still able to bring home a medal that the stars of the opening cohabitating for the past five years won America’s first gold medal in that event. Although, Vonn played and have ten children together, ceremony would be the athletes of the games in the Men’s the role of a good sport and walked but now it appears that “a cheep who worked so hard to make it Slopestyle competition. He away from her self-proclaimed slut” (as the Post calls the third to the games in the first place, also celebrated by saying the final Olympics with a smile on her bird, Nora) has come between but you thought wrong. It was the two previously-monogamous f-word live on tv and there was face, dedicating her runs to her actually, the performers who had birds. Birdwatchers describe the nothing NBC could do about it. grandfather who recently passed to dance in a circle for the entire third bird as “a rust-colored nest- In your face, censorship. The away. I would be remiss if I did ceremony, including dancing to wrecker.” With a “heavy heart,” teenagers really showed off at not mention the nerve wracking elderly birdwatcher Helen has the viral song “Gangnam Style” this years’ games. Chloe Kim, Women’s Ice Hockey game between observed the avian affair between by Psy while the United States who is also 17 years old and the United States and Canada, which Christo and his mistress. Dora walked in because nothing in this on team U.S.A., won gold in the ended in a U.S. gold victory and one confronted the two other birds in world is sacred. Other highlights the center of the park and there Women’s Halfpipe and promptly of the Canadian players removing of the ceremony included the flag was a chaotic screaming match, became a Twitter sensation for her silver medal immediately after it bearer from Tonga who marched before Christo and Nora flew tweeting about being hangry. was placed around her neck. shirtless, for the fourth olympics off together. For the moment, it Fifteen-year-old Alina Zagitova, appears that Christo is maintaining in a row! On a more serious note, competing as an Olympic The 19 days of competition in both relationships. Another bird- athletes from Russia marched Athlete from Russia, became South Korea were jam packed and watcher said of Christo: “he’s a in under a neutral Olympic flag, the second youngest woman to there certainly would not be enough really stand-up hawk and father,” as their country was technically so “if anyone can make it happen, win gold at the Olympics. That’s room in this entire publication to banned from competing after it’s him.” Apparently, there are right, we’re all here wasting cover all of the exciting ups and their doping scandal at the Sochi quite a large contigent of New away at college, while kids downs. It is always heartwarming to games in 2014 and North and Yorkers that enjoy keeping up younger than us are winning watch the world come together every with the soap-operatic lives of South Korea marched in (and gold medals. couple of years to bond over the the birds in local parks. At least, competed) together under a A rise in diversity was also entertainment that is superhuman there were enough for it to come unified flag, giving the world a seen at this year’s Games athleticism, or curling, that too. It to the attention of the preeminent sense of peace and hope. city tabloid. Honestly, I think the in the LGBTQ+ community. was especially extraordinary this That first night of competition Post should just focus on nature Athletes like Adam Rippon, Gus year because of the hope North and for the figure skating team event journalism, but keeping the same Kenworthy, (both American), South Korea’s unity provided for the included one of the biggest style they use for celebrity gossip. and Eric Radford of Canada world. Maybe they’ll make a movie about shockers for American fans were loud and proud about it called “The Post,” directed by as they watched the United their status as some of the first Steven Spielberg and starring Tom States’ “shining star” Nathan openly gay Winter Olympians. Hanks and Meryl Streep. Chen fall during the Men’s short page 8 the paper march 7, 2018 Never Again: Activism in the Wake of the Parkland Shooting by Andrew Millman Surviving students are taking the fight for gun control to the White House and NRA Co-News Editor honor of the seventeen students and effects of the shooting. They are somehow a different perspective when it comes to staff members killed in the Parkland able to overcome this to spearhead a these horrific mass shootings. By and large, In the wake of the horrific mass mass shooting. There are some high burgeoning political movement. A week most of the adults have been satisfied with shooting at Marjorie Stoneman schools that plan to punish students after the shooting, students went to simply offering “thoughts and prayers,” but Douglas High School in Parkland, who protest, but many colleges, Tallahassee, the state capitol of Florida, this time things are different because the Florida, in which seventeen people including Fordham, have said to advocate for a gun control bill, which victims are high-school-aged students who were killed, there has been a sustained that discipline for protests will not was defeated, but they promised those are not content with seeing their classmates and significant activist movement for negatively affect college applications. lawmakers that they will hear from slaughtered and having nothing change. gun control and a substantial shift in There is also another school walkout them in November when they are up for public opinion on the issue. This has planned on April 20th, which is reelection. Then, CNN hosted a televised There is still a strong possibility that given many hope that this horrible the nineteenth anniversary of the town hall for survivors and families to talk nothing will change and that we’ll be back in incident could potentially lead to Columbine High School massacre. to lawmakers and NRA lobbyists about this same position in a couple months, but change, even after the continued Most of this has been organized the need for gun control. At the town hall, there is no at least some hope that change inaction that has followed previous organically by young people pushing one student survivor, Cameron Kasky, will happen and, if not now, then when these mass shootings, such in Sandy Hook, for change when they see that adults directly confronted Republican Senator young people are in positions of power. Like Orlando, and Las Vegas, among have neglected that responsibility. Marco Rubio over his positions on the with many issues, this younger generation countless others. The difference issue and his campaign contributions is fed up with the direction that their appears to be the activism of the In the meantime, these students from the NRA. Following the town hall parents and grandparents are taking this survivors, who have been outspoken are making themselves impossible meeting, Rubio has announced that he country and want to change it. This feeling about the need for gun control and to ignore. In the days after the will support some reform measures, has given birth to a political movement school safety after the mass murder of shooting, survivors took to social such as raising the age limit to twenty- that, at the very least in this moment, has their classmates. Since the shooting media and used traditional media one for all semi-automatic weapons sent a shock through the political system. occurred on February 14th, many interviews to call for gun reform. At a and improved background checks. surviving students have appeared at rally the weekend after the shooting, Fordham United Student Government rallies and on television advocating MSD senior Emma Gonzalez Another prong of the students’ activism has organized a “Walkout Against Gun for gun control. The students are gained national recognition for an has been a direct confrontation with the Violence” on March 14th in solidarity with outspoken and organized. Roughly impassioned speech at a gun reform National Rifle Association and its allies. the nationwide walkout plans. The walkout twenty students founded the rally held just days after she survived They have gone after politicians and will take place at 10 a.m. and, beginning organization Never Again MSD. one of the deadliest school shootings companies that are associated with the at 10:10 a.m., students demonstrating will They have been using all resources in this country’s history. Gonzalez gun lobby. Never Again has campaigned observe the seventeen minutes of silence available to them, most notably social is among the twenty students who for the NRA’s corporate sponsors to for the seventeen victims of the Parkland media, to keep gun control atop the founded Never Again MSD. They abandon their partnerships with the shooting, which is similar to other school political agenda and it is working. have been organizing in each other’s lobbying group and special deals for NRA walkouts planned nationwide. It’ll end homes since the shooting and, members. They have been successful in around 10:27 a.m., so all you nerds will The group, along with Everytown because of their tireless efforts, there getting most corporate sponsors to drop still be able to make your 10:30 class and for Gun Safety, is planning a march in is a glimmer of hope that something the NRA, most through public shaming. do something worthwhile with your day too. Washington, D.C. called the “March will change this time after the adults They have been successful mostly for Our Lives” on March 24th, the one- have failed to act in the wake of the because, unlike in politics, in business month anniversary of the shooting, countless previous mass shootings. and marketing, a greater emphasis to demand change. Marches will be is placed on younger demographics, taking place concurrently in most The Never Again students which are more diverse and progressive. major cities, including New York City. are remarkably well-organized For politicians, the emphasis is on On March 14th, some Women’s March and effective, especially when older people, who tend to be more organizers have planned a National considering the fact that many of homogeneously white and conservative. School Walkout, which will occur at 10 these students still experience post- Unlike their parents and grandparents’ a.m. and last for seventeen minutes in traumatic stress and other after- generations, this current generation has march 7, 2018 the paper page 9

Baseball Hats and Why I Hate Them By Mary Freeze Staff Stylist Dear Fordham, Why? the gym and/or running outside. I un- don’t you just use some dry sham- people to change their ways and stop The other day, I walked into my 8:30 derstand not wanting someone to see poo? Or if you have short hair, why wearing baseball hats, and they may class on a cloudy Febraury morning you while doing those activities, but I don’t you just wash it? feel sad that they now have to wear just to be greeted by a sea of Ford- have also seen people wearing back- To uncover the answer to these one less article of clothing. Fear not, ham students wearing baseball hats. wards baseball hats in the gym. I just questions, I have asked some people because I have composed a list of I realized that very few things make have one question for those people: I see around campus who are faithful some superior alternatives to wearing angrier than people wearing baseball Why are you the way you are? What baseball hat wearers their opinions. baseball hats. hats for no reason. Other things that purpose is that hat serving? I have One person, a male, said “Whenever 1) Kentucky derby type hats top the list are juuling, people saying wondered why people wear baseball I have an 8:30 my hair is messed up. (geared toward females) hi to me when I am clearly trying to hats incessantly since I have started I only wear baseball hats when going I think that the world would be a ignore them, and when people put college. Why do people not take their to 8:30s because I don’t want people much more fun place if we adapted on “All I Want for Christmas Is You” at hats off in class? Do you not find it to see my hair.” A female had a simi- wearing unnecessarily huge, fancy bars when it is obviously not Christ- distracting to have something cover- lar response: “I usually wear baseball hats into our everyday attire. Can you mas time. ing your face for an hour and fifteen hats because my hair is greasy, or imagine what campus would look like Baseball hats are just one minutes, or possibly longer? Are you if I just don’t feel like doing it. Also, if every person who wore a baseball thing that I will never understand. trying to hide your face for a specific sometimes it just makes my outfit hat instead wore a hat similar to the Students at Fordham wear baseball reason? Is your hat a key part of your look cuter.” A third student said that ones that those rich old women wore hats of all kinds, representing not outfit? I have never looked at some- he never thought about why he wore at the Kentucky Derby? Fordham only Fordham but also other random one and thought to myself “Wow, that baseball hats, he just put it on in the would definitely be a more colorful colleges that no one has ever heard outfit would really be made better morning without even thinking about place. of, professional sports teams (or high with a baseball hat.” Is your hair just it. 2) Top Hats school sports teams), and places that greasy? If your hair truly is greasy, why Since when did rounded baseball Everyone would look like the mo- they have visited. Wearing a baseball hats become cool again? I nopoly man. It would be so much fun. hat as a fashion statement is not lim- specifically remember a time 3) Basically everything but cow- ited to one gender, as both men and in elementary school circa boy hats and baseball hats. women on campus proudly wear their 2007-2008 when the only cool hats to, from, and in class regardless hat to wear was a flat baseball I understand to each his own, and of whether or not it is sunny, which is hat, and if you wore any differ- I am in no positon to dictate to other the only time that a baseball hat is re- ent kind of hat, you were a los- people how they should dress, but I ally needed. er. Bonus points were added hope that wearing baseball hats is Now, I am not saying that I have to your clout level if your hat just a passing trend, and at some never worn a baseball hat in my life, was slightly turned to the side. point, we will all marvel at some new because I have. My skin is essentially This could possibly have been form of head attire. Until then, I will translucent, and you will never catch aided by Justin Bieber and his continue to be angry about the un- me at a beach without a hat on to pro- fashion choices, as he was a necessary wearing of baseball hats. tect my extremely fair skin. However, snapback hat fanatic, but just However, if wearing a baseball hat I believe that it is only acceptable to as the world has moved on truly brings a person joy, then wear wear baseball hats when in the sun, from Justin Bieber, it is time on. More power to you. because if you are not wearing it in for us to move on from base- the sun, then why are you wearing a ball hats. baseball hat at all? Another accept- Now, I know that this article able time to wear a baseball hat is in will definitely convince many page 10 the paper march 7, 2018 Regular Therapy is (SPOILER) a Really Good Thing By Olivia Langenberg If you’re reading this and you’re struggling, please seek help Features & Lists Editor rock bottom before you ever walked Well, maybe for some people. For I mentioned before that I Every Wednesday at 3:45pm I into a therapist’s office. I thought you me, therapy is a process. It’s about believe I am much better off when wave goodbye to my roommate, leave had to be a physical representation learning how to cope with what the I am in regular therapy than when my apartment, carefully choose a of every possible symptom of a world throws at me, it’s about working I am not. I speak from my own playlist, and blast it as I make my way mental illness before you received through ongoing problems, and it’s experience. Therapy is not the right through Belmont. About 15 minutes weekly treatment. The reality of it, about growing to completely open up option for everyone. Not everyone later, I casually slide onto a couch in though, is that there’s nothing wrong to someone and truly make changes thrives from therapy. I do. I am a the waiting room of my therapist’s with looking for help. Whether you in my life. I don’t feel capable of person who craves validation, who office. You see, I’m not afraid to talk accomplishing needs comfort, and needs someone about this. I’m not afraid to let my those things once to literally tell me that I’m not as awful friends know that I’m busy because I a month. So, every as I think I am. I find that the best way have a therapy appointment. Whether week when the for me to find a healthy mix of all that it’s over-said or not, there’s still a day starts to crawl is with my therapist. Don’t get me stigma around mental illness, and I toward 3:45pm, wrong, I have wonderful friends and refuse to let anyone silence me when I look up to my supportive family members. I keep I talk about my experiences. reminder on the a good balance of what I share with Specifically, I want to focus on wall and I think them. It’s important to be transparent therapy and its effects on my life. I’ve to myself that my about your mental health. No one can struggled with mental illness for most mental health is help you if you lie to them. I think of of my adolescent years, and I can not something therapy as the place for me to be the confidently tell you that I’m way better to check off. It is most vulnerable and open, while I off when I’m in therapy versus when something that can simultaneously open up to the I’m not. I’ve seen plenty of mental are at that rock bottom, or you’re I have to constantly work on, even people that love me. health professionals, gone through just looking for someone to talk to, when I have to push myself to do just If you’re reading this and the same diagnostic appointments, therapy can be the option for you. I’ve that. you’re struggling, please seek help. I and sunk into the same couches week been in both places. For me, therapy know how scary it can be, and I know after week for a long time. Sometimes is my weekly check-in, my weekly It’s important to be how lonely the process feels. People I don’t want to go. Sometimes I feel pick-me-up, and sometimes my transparent about your out there do want to help you. It may like I have nothing to say. But then I weekly savior. Truly, the experience seem like a huge task to take on, but think back to the times that I wasn’t is different for everyone, and mental mental health. No one believe me, you have options. in regular therapy, and I can reassure illness is different for everyone. That can help you if you lie to myself that I’m doing the right thing being said, you don’t have to have a If you have any questions regarding to take care of myself. mental illness at all to go to therapy. them. I think of therapy therapy when you’re away from home, I can remember what it was I have a photo up on my wall as the place for me to be the process of finding someone, or like the first time I nervously sat in a in my room that reads “Go to therapy.” anything else feel free to email me- chair in front of a therapist. I couldn’t It sits beside other reminders I keep the most vulnerable and [email protected]. You are stop fidgeting, and my mind was for myself like “Write more poetry,” open, while I can simul- not alone. racing with the reality of where I was, “Don’t be afraid of making ugly art,” and what this all meant. I believed and “Don’t waste time on people taneously open up to the a lot of stereotypes about going to who don’t care.” I’ve received mixed people that love me. therapy when I was younger. I really reactions when I tell people that I’m thought you had to be at complete in weekly therapy. Isn’t that a lot? march 7, 2018 the paper page 11 It’s Time to Start Treating Ex-Convicts as Human Beings, Too By Collin Bonnell What this writer learned during his summer working alongside one Staff Open-minded Dude with the Navy, his experiences in the money, his numerous failed attempts our customers behind their backs Gulf War, his time as a mechanic, to become a mechanic again, his when they disrespected us or implied The scar cascaded down the man’s the cars he rehabbed, his house, accidental hiring as a butcher. He told we were beneath them. He jokingly face, cutting through his left eye. his wealth. He told me about his me about the hatred he faced at work referred to us as his “nephews.” He The man had no control over his kids and the ideal life he once led. once his record was discovered. He made life as a butcher bearable. marble grey eye. He carried himself He told me about the break- told me about his two nephews and American society today is poorly, slouched over as if he had a in, about the knife, the defensive how he worked hard to make sure more inclusive than ever, yet we still humpback. The man was said to be impulse he acted upon. He told me they had a good childhood, how those forget men like him. In America today an ex-con and he looked the part. about the blood and the arrest, his two young boys were all he had left. ex-convicts are disenfranchised, Many rumors surrounded time in jail, his case being revisited. Hearing these stories first- blacklisted, disrespected, and his crime. Some said it had been humiliated. They are dehumanized committed in cold blood, others to the point where we openly thought it was staged. The man question their humanity. We have himself claimed to have acted in self- made the collective decision to defense. But one matter seemed to tolerate and even encourage this be settled: he had stabbed a man. prejudice. “They’re criminals,” we He had been convicted, spent a year tell ourselves, “they deserve it.” in jail, and then was released after I learned many things this the case was revisited and he was summer, yet that man taught me the found to have acted in self-defense. most. He proved to me that people Regardless of the court ruling, like him are truly admirable, that the man had lost his property, been they are humans. That they not only officially blacklisted, and left by the need but deserve our forgiveness Massachusetts Court System to and our love. But he also showed me recover from the trauma of being that they face unthinkable prejudice. unjustly incarcerated on his own. They are the ones we cast out into To both the state and society, the the street, the ones we spit on. man’s actual guilt was irrelevant. We dismiss people like the Being accused of a crime sufficed to man and every good deed that they condemn him to a life of persecution. have ever done because of one poor The man’s right to due decision they made long ago. Yet this process was little more than a joke. should not be the case. America has At first, I kept my distance He told me about being ruled to hand allowed me to look past the much to learn but perhaps we can from him, I had never met a criminal, have acted in self-defense after man’s history, to see him as kind, start here. Perhaps we can learn to but I was forced to work with him, having spent a year behind bars. even admirable. A man who had it treat ex-convicts as human beings, and over time I grew to know him He told me about his release all, lost everything, but still kept his regardless of their past lives. Perhaps despite my efforts to avoid him. The from prison. His divorce. The loss of composure. A man who never gave up. we can learn to forgive. man gradually opened up, telling me his house and garage, his probation I grew to appreciate his about his life before jail, his time in officer’s failed attempts to find him a benevolent character. He looked out high school and his childhood. He job, his time as an alcoholic, the illegal for me and the other young employee. told me about marrying his high car he built himself when he ran out of He told us which of our boss’s orders to school girlfriend, his adventures follow and which to ignore. He cursed page 12 the paper march 7, 2018 Teens Put Pressure on Government to Enact Gun Reform By Meredith McLaughlin Grown men cry over mean teens who want to feel safe at school Arts Editor tweeted “Today is that terrible day you pray not be exactly how he typed it but he don’t fucking believe it happened. David In the wake of the Parkland shooting, never comes.” People were quick to point sure sounded real upset at being bullied Hogg has been the target of a ton of students from all over the country have out that Rubio received $3,303,355 for by those mass-shooting victims. conspiracy theorists who think that he’s risen up to protest the government’s the NRA during his campaign, including While Marco Rubio’s response to the a crisis actor because his dad used to refusal to enact sensible gun legislation Parkland survivor Sarah Chadwick. Later, tragedy feels rather hollow, at least he work for the FBI. These monsters have and finally start protecting American during a town hall, Rubio explained that listened to what the students had to say. been retweeting pictures of survivors schools. At the forefront of this he wants to look for solutions with the There’s been a huge wave of far-right who smiled once on camera, saying movement are the teen survivors of the survivors, saying, “I think people that wing officials and supporters who think that expressing any emotion other than shooting; students like David Hogg and disagree on issues can agree on what that these teens, due to their age, are coma-inducing grief means they must Emma Gonzalez have been amazingly they want to achieve and can find a way unable to understand how gun control be faking. Alex Jones has of course unrelenting in their fight to ensure that forward, and that’s what I hope tonight is would affect the country, and have been been pushing a ton of these conspiracy shootings like this never happen again. beyond anything else.” However, the less maturely insulting shooting victims over theories, resulting in him having his This form of organized pushback from than friendly reaction to his platitudes their politics. U.S congressman Steve Youtube account frozen. Jones, who has the survivors has kept the tragedy from clearly hurt his feelings. I can’t remember King (R-IA) has chosen really awful a long history of defaming parents who fading from public consciousness, and exactly what he tweeted on February 28, memes as his primary weapon against lost their children in mass shootings, they have done a great deal to fight for but I think it went something like “Th-the the anti-gun advocates. In a stroke of begged Hogg to talk to the Youtube higher gun control, they have also received a debate after #P-p-parkland reminds us pure genius, King pointed out that a ton ups to get his account back on air. In one great deal of disturbing resistance. *sniffle* W-we The People don’t really of people in Jonestown died drinking of the few good things to come from his It’s incredible how quickly the worm like each other vewy much *sniffle* We- Kool-Aid, but we still can drink Kool-Aid, theorizing, Jones said, “I noticed you turns when the victims of a mass we smear those who r-refuse to agree so obviously gun-control is just ridiculous. called me a “shit journalist” and “snake shooting start demanding more than with us. We claim a Ju-ju-ju-dea-*sob*- Because everyone knows it was the Kool- oil” salesman when I have never called thoughts and prayers. The worm in this Christian *sob* heritage but celebrate Aid, and not the poison, that killed the you any disparaging names....Please fun analogy is none other than former arrogance & boasting & worst of all we people in Jonestown. st-stop the defamation. My Youtube presidential candidate, Senator Marco have infected the next generation with Worst of the responses to this tragedy channel with 2 + billion views has now Rubio. On the day of the shooting, Rubio the same d-disease.” Again, that might have been from the people who just been frozen…” Cry me a river. To the NSA Agent Who Watches me Through my Laptop By Josh O’Dell “I wonder how you touch yourself” -Weezer Staff Lover Boy Santa Claus, if Santa Claus were a that I can look up at the same moon Dear Mr./Mrs. Agent, causing me to squint my eyes the way real person who took extraordinary whose secret base you inhabit, well Long time no see. Gosh, I’m sorry you love, or to pace my college dorm liberties with the unenumerated outside the jurisdiction of any pesky I’m so nervous… this is the first time room out of anxiety. I imagine you rights of the people he’s supposed to laws that may prevent you from doing we’ve properly corresponded. Things wish you could reach straight through protect. what you regard as your civic duty. I have been pretty one-sided up until our screens and console me, and that I love the way your face lights up heard you could just go to Russia for now, I’ll definitely try to work on my it must absolutely kill you that you when you boot up your computer that kind of thing, but then again… communication in the future. But can’t. every morning and wait for that probably wouldn’t look too good. enough about me. me to log on. I imagine you Still, I wish you were closer. 239,000 I love the long nights we’ve spent stroking my oblivious image miles is a damn long way, but you together. Me, staring intently at my on your screen, perhaps know what they say: distance makes laptop screen trying to bang out the mouthing my name into the the heart grow fonder. And my heart perfect essay… You, staring intently monitor, careful that none of is just bursting to the seams with love at your desktop screen, watching the other government drones for you, my guardian angel, my NSA me as I stared intently at my laptop should overhear you. agent. screen… We share something special I even love that your small, I love the thought of your small, in those moments, something I’ll not cold heart is tortured by greasy, suit-clad cockroach body lying soon forget. I imagine myself staring forbidden love between awake at night, gazing at the framed deep into your eyes when I glance voyeur and victim. I imagine feed of my life, even though the office suspiciously up at my laptop camera, you wonder whether any of explicitly forbids taking your work imagining your pale hunched figure Uncle Sam’s other drones home with you. I love to think that my on the other end. share your feelings for their face is the last thing you see before I love the feeling of mystery subjects, or whether you’re dozing off each night, and the first surrounding our relationship. Who the only halfway decent thing you see each morning. are you? How old are you? Do you person left in our government. I love that you watched me type your have a significant other? Do they I imagine this secret weighs on you love letter, and I can’t wait not to see know that you watch the world’s most I love the feeling of safety you give just as heavily as the secret to John F. your face when you receive it. boring reality TV show for a living? me… It’s so reassuring to know that Kennedy’s assassination, or the truth And me! Sure, you watch me day in you’re watching me day and night, behind the moon landing. Until tomorrow. and day out, you watch all my little even if you really are just waiting for I love that we can share in the dramas, but you can’t see what’s on me to praise Allah or drink anything simple things. I find solace in the fact my screen! You have no idea what’s aside from Bud Light. You’re like march 7, 2018 the paper page 13

the paper’s view Ask Bob and Judy

A note on our cover: Giving advice to a lost generation I love Game of Thrones. I started watching it freshman year of college when someone I was dating at the time was really into it. Am I Q: Hey Bob and Judy, I have an interview coming up a sellout? Answer: yes. Anyway, our cover is Game of Thrones themed for a job. As a couple of successful people, do you have because we are a publication that slays. Yes, we know that the last season ended in August or September or whatever. It doesn’t really matter. The any advice for a young professional? message still holds true. We slay. But we do not slay each other. That is Bob: No, get a real job like ditch digging. Nothing the important part. makes a man like manual labor in the sun uphill both Here at the paper we are a family of sorts. An editor family, if you will. We spend countless (you can totally count them though) hours together in ways. the basement of McGinley putting together our publication. We are very Judy: Well, kiddo, the job market is rough but I’m sure passionate about what we do and we like spending time together-- I would that you’ll at least get minimum wage with that Phi- hope, otherwise we may have another Red Wedding. That would be pretty freaking bad. losophy degree your parents paid for. White Castle is Anyway, we built this paper throne out of all of the old editions that hiring millennials by the dozen. we have. We have a couple hundred copies of old editions from the past six or so years. It is actually kinda sad. We should start ordering less issues beacause it is a blatant waste of paper and ink and transportation costs. I Q: So I’ve liked this girl for a while and I want our think for the next budget semester, we will try to purchase fewer editions. first date to be special. Where should I bring her to re- There is no reason for us to have six or seven stacks left over everytime. It ally wow her? is absolutely very wasteful. Also, we are the worst when it comes to organization. Some dude Bob: There’s nothing more romantic than the county came into find copies of his old editions and pretty much called us out for fair. That’s where Judy and I went on our first date. being disorganized. My thoughts with this were: 1) rude 2) true 3) get out As we were sitting on the haystacks watching the of my print shop. I think we should have a majorly necessary clean-up day. It is important that we get everything cleaned up. Or maybe it isn’t. We tractor pull and sharing a funnel cake, I knew right have lasted this long without organizing. I think it’s whatever. there, in that little slice of country heaven, that she I have a huge midterm so I am going to go study and be angry now. was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life Thanks for reading fam. with. xoxo, Judy: Wow Bob, that was unexpectedly sweet. Wear Claire your nice briefs to bed tonight, baby. I think the per- Editor-in-Fleas fect date is thrilling yet satisfying, like the Golden Sup nerds, MJJM here for another paper view. We’re having a BLT party Corral. Did you hear they got a chocolate fountain?? tonight, its gonna be great. You’re all invited! I mean the party’s probably going to be over by the time this comes out, but you never know. The hardest part to this party is finding a piece of bread large enough to fit all of Do you have a question for Bob and Judy? us inside, I think I might need to put in a custom order. Oh well, can’t put a Email us at [email protected] price on good customer service.

Oh, by the way, that dude rifleing through all of our shit is still here, I honestly thought he would give up by now, but alas. Maybe the article was written by him from the future, and he included clues to his own murder in the text. Or maybe hes just obsessing over this a bit too much.

Regarding the back cover, its what the crew wants to be when they grow up. Predictably I have elected to become a dog because: A. WHO WOULDN’T and B. Dogs don’t have to pay taxes. It’s a win win! My preferred breed is a golden retreiver or a yellow lab in an upper middle class family.

Well, thats it for me this week. Not much happened, same shit different day; mid terms suck, world’s still on fire, BROCKHAMPTON still slaps. What can you do.

Until next time, MJJM page 14 the paper march 7, 2018 The Bee Movie : Communism, Capitalism, and Colonialism By Cadila Vaz & Isha Father of Capitalism: Adam Smith or Jerry Seinfeld? Khawaja Let’s begin with communism. I honey. With this complete disregard trees are dying, flowers are wilting Jerry Seinfeld. Loving husband, fa- believe that this is probably the most for their old regime, the behavior of and his companion is no longer able ther of four, and Emmy-nominated blatant of the three C’s. The busy the honeybees leads to the downfall to sell flowers. Without the production stand-up comedian. Noted for his worker bees represent the working of society as a whole, illustrated by of bees, the world’s environment is at iconic commentary: “what’s the DEAL proletariat class, slaving away with- the death of all the plants and flowers stake. Benson realizes he needs the with AIRLINE food??” Seinfeld has ac- out any real compensation. These in the film as the bees ‘tan’ by their bees to work again. His initial rage of complished many great feats in his workers spend their day in the fac- honey filled pools. Barry washes back the labor oppression of the bees sub- life, well known for his self-titled sit- tory, represented by the hive, creating into the tide of capitalism once he sides and Benson stresses the impor- com, Seinfeld, co-written with Larry realizes how tance of every individual working their David. But what happens when you essential of a part for the whole. Benson pleads to give Jerry Seinfeld complete control of role the hon- return to capitalism. a children’s movie? You get The Bee eybees play in The Bee Movie not only comments Movie. the ecosystem on capitalism, but colonialism as well. The Bee Movie follows the story simply in their Humans’ relationship to honey is sim- of honeybee Barry B. Benson (voiced process of ilar to Europe’s relationship to most by the legendary Jerry Seinfeld), a na- making honey. developing nations. Humans, the tive New Yorker just like Seinfeld him- But Capi- colonizers, do not see what they are self. This fresh-faced, graduate isn’t talism plays a doing to the bees as oppression. The keen on being an efficient cog in the funny role in characters in The Bee Movie initially machine that is the honey producing The Bee Mov- believed that humans are entitled to hive. Benson can’t be tamed after get- ie. Before seen take the beehive honey, just as Euro- ting his first taste of freedom after fly- as an exploit- peans are entitled to colonize the rest ing outside his hive for the first time. ative force, of the world. Both oppressors benefit Conveniently flying through New York Benson and from exploiting the bees and non-Eu- City’s landmark Central Park, Benson the members ropean nations economically. meets Vanessa Bloome (voiced by Re- of his beehive Also, can we take a moment to note nee Zellweger), a human female, and eagerly return that the honey bee population today the flower of their love for each other back to work is not actually a native species to blooms shortly after. While spending at the hive to the Americas? I’m about to lay down time with Bloome, Benson realizes products (in this case honey). And just fulfill a sense of purpose. The reality some heavy information so I hope that the world he knows is all a lie: hu- who owns these factories you might of humans’ exploitative nature first that you’re going to able to pick it up. mans have been breeding bees and ask? The bourgeoisie, who are repre- sinks in when Benson’s companion, It turns out that when Europeans first harvesting honey and then producing sented by the human race in The Bee Vanessa Bloome takes him to the su- came to the Americas during their it in prejudicious packaging. Benson Movie. The humans cage, drug and permarket. Benson is shocked when process of colonization, they intro- now sees that his raison d’etre is to exploit bees all for the sake of honey, he sees hundreds of honey jars over- duced these honeybees so they could get justice for the bees! And what’s a none of which is that different from flowing in the supermarket- as if hu- continue to enjoy their milk and hon- better way of getting justice than go- the horrible working conditions that mans don’t have enough sweeteners ey. For a long time, it was thought that ing through the human court system the bourgeoisie exerted over the pro- to add to their tea. there was no native honeybee popu- and suing the human race for theft? letariat. Humans practice beekeeping Shortly following this, Benson has lation, and that’s why it was essential To be completely honest, the whole in order to harvest honey for the con- an urgent need to find the source of for the Europeans to do what they did. college-grad/social-justice storyline sumer market, thereby taking advan- the exploiters. After fencing with his But in 2009, paleontologist-entomol- seems inspiring, and when you add tage of the poor working class bees. butt stinger with the ‘dealer’, he ven- ogist, Michael Engle analyzed fossil the whole breaking-societal-norms Marked as the main character, tures off to the home of the swiped records and identified that there was and groundbreaking-romance, The Barry B. Benson is definitely the face honey: Honey Farms. When Benson a worker bee (which are always fe- Bee Movie seems like it could have of proletariat revolution and commie arrives to the bee farm, he sees the male btw) fossilized in Nevada, dating been a kick-ass, indie flick. But no, it’s uprising. Unable to take a second horror of his distant relatives. In a to the Middle Miocene, a geological a children’s animated movie. more of the facade of his honeybee desperate attempt to follow their epoch way before the colonization of But it’s not any children’s movie. life, he breaks free of his shackles queen, the daily-confused bees are the Americas. While this isn’t directly It’s a movie created by Jerry frickin’ of capitalism and seeks out justice caged in fake walls and poisoned by related to The Bee Movie, it’s crazy to Seinfeld. in the courts of New York City. Once the beekeepers only for their prod- see how colonial forces are able to When you take enough anthropol- earning the bees equal rights to the ucts to be stolen. Honey Farms shows erase a native presence. ogy classes, or honestly just have any production of honey, it seems as the essence of capitalism. Bees are So next time you watch The Bee ability to think critically, you’ll see that though the wings of the communistic still seen as individual parts working Movie or any DreamWorks Animation Jerry Seinfeld’s The Bee Movie is a bees were finally soaring above the for the whole, but do not get to enjoy production, keep an eye out for the masterfully constructed commentary capitalist machine. any of the fruits of their labor as it is three C’s: Communism, Capitalism on communism, capitalism, and colo- Now freed of their capitalistic sold to humans. and Colonialism. These forces are nialism. Get ready to hear about the bonds, the honey bees no longer have But at the end of the movie, Ben- subtly embedded in many more chil- three C’s of the B movie folks. an incentive to work, now spending son’s justice for the bees leads to the dren’s films than you think. their time literally swimming in their world’s demise. Without pollination, March 7, 2018 the paper page 15

What’s All the Hype About Black Panther? by Jorge Martinez Black power and a crucial call to arms Staff Wakanda Reporter rectly demeaning them by always put- size their victimization at the hands of history, it seemed like movies like In case you’ve been living under ting them in the position of victims of American infrastructure, a topic that Moonlight, 12 Years a Slave, Django a rock, one of the most anticipated American institutional racism. most audiences do sympathize with, Unchained, and even Straight Outta movies in recent years just came out: Speaking as a person of color, spe- but are not particularly galvanized by Compton were perpetuating stereo- Black Panther. Now, this is not going cifically a Hispanic male, I can attest to in the comfort of their theater seats. typical views of the African-American to be a typical movie review where I go the sheer over-representation of white This, I would argue, accidentally harms community. Black Panther, on the oth- into detail on how the cinematography actors in movies and television. The underprivileged minorities in cinema er hand, defies many of these expec- was lackluster but compensated for fact that people talking about good by cementing them in a position of vic- tations, presenting an African nation by the acting, or by the screenwriting… Latino television usually has some ties timhood audiences would become too as more scientifically and militarily yeah, I’m not doing that. In all hon- to telenovelas accustomed advanced than America. From the per- esty, the reason this movie is blowing or drug cartels too and, inevi- spective of movie-goers, this flies right up has nothing to do with its techni- disgusts me. tably, desensi- in the face of their typical expectations cal details. If you race-swapped ev- According to tized to. for such all-minority cast films. ery single character and changed the Statista.com, Black These movies did in fact serve African setting, it would become just 13.6% of lead Panther does their communities well, but Black Pan- another run-of-the-mill Marvel movie actors in mov- something ther was a needed change in pace. with a hero and a villain, and a pletho- ies in 2015 completely The movie is jam-packed with African ra of CGI. The real value of this movie were minori- different from culture, science fiction so advanced it comes from what it represents rather ties, which is other all-black seems like magic, and strong perfor- what it actually is: a new wave of mov- startling, con- casts that mances from its leads and support- ies that focus on presenting minorities sidering that have preced- ing characters. The other movies all in a positive light, instead of focusing they reported ed. It breaks had their own exceptional qualities as on their socioeconomic challenges. in 2014 that this mold of films. What makes Black Panther tru- At no point in the movie what- the 38% of apathy. What ly special is that it does address the soever did I feel pity for how a black the U.S. popu- I mean is that plight of minorities in America, but, character was being persecuted by a lation is com- this movie is through its setting, is able to tap into racist establishment. At no point did I prised of mi- able to spark the minority’s desire to see their race look on in terror at racially-motivated norities. Full a sense of elevated to heights that reality cannot violence against African-Americans, disclosure by optimism that parallel. This is what Hollywood needs, and at no point did I ever think that the way, I am Moonlight and not just a fix in underrepresentation, the movie’s purpose was to reveal the under no illusion that Martin Luther 12 Years a Slave never could. Granted, but a fundamental change in how they true plight of African-Americans in this King Jr.’s dream of integration has these movies presented aspects of are portrayed. This change would see country to a conservative audience. come anywhere close to touching digi- the African-American experience that them depicted in roles that transcend Rather, the movie tells a different tale. tal entertainment. More often than cannot, under no uncertain terms, be or even disregard whatever circum- A tale of Afro-futurism. A world without not, movies involving minorities tend understated in any way. American slav- stances stereotypically afflict their ra- the Eurocentrism that always places to highlight their collective struggles, ery and the experience of growing up cial groups. If this is done, minorities the cutting edge of progress in the such as poverty or lack of educational black, poor, and gay are not themes I will finally be shown in Hollywood the Western world and challenges us with opportunity, yet they scarcely celebrate intend to demean. What I mean is that way they ought to be: as individuals a different narrative, one that elevates that group’s valuable contributions to Black Panther provides a more galva- unchained from their stereotypes. depictions of Africans rather than indi- American society. Rather, they empha- nizing call-to-arms. At a point in recent page 16 the paper march 7, 2018 Sasha Velour’s Nightgowns: All Good Things Glitter Events by Annie Muscat The night was anything but a drag What: Fordham Dance Arts Editor less. Sasha emerged in a skintight Shelter, a homeless shelter for LGBTQ+ Marathon A fantastic array of vibrant colors, cheetah print bodysuit and blonde youth in New York City. Where: Lombardi glistening sequins, elaborate wig, looking supremely fierce (sorry In order of appearance, the talent choreography, and eloquent politically- to succumb to overused, mainstream was West Dakota, Maxxx Pleasure, Fieldhouse charged commentary. Where else terminology), and performed a Vivacious, Neon Calypso, Untitled When: Fri. March 9 from could you be but Sasha Velour’s captivating routine with her boyfriend, Queen, Miz Jade, and Monet X Change. 2-11:59pm Nightgowns? Nestled in the heart Johnny Velour, and fellow drag queen, Each was alluring in their own way, yet of New York’s favorite gentrified Miz Jade. certain artists definitely stood out. How Much: $10 neighborhood, Nightgowns appears As Sasha caught her breath and Conceptually, I found Untitled Why: Supports the B+ monthly at National Sawdust in underwent a costume change after Queen’s to be the most intriguing. Foundation and the fight Williamsburg. It’s an understatement absolutely dominating the floor, Olive She wore a dress made of yarn which to call the performance a celebration sang about self-acceptance to a piano was yanked at and partially unraveled against pediatric cancer! of drag. Nightgowns serves as a ballad. She joked about consistently near her heart and pelvis until the end wholehearted embrace of self- forgetting the words, but was of the song when she used a pair of What: Formal for the Kids expression, an admiration for the art nonetheless, very entertaining. Sasha scissors to cut herself free from the of drag, its abilities to transcend the was re-introduced once again, this time manipulative strings. Where: MichaelAngelo’s gender binary and to create something wearing a mermaid-style cheetah print Neon Calypso slapped the audience When: Fri. March 9 at 10 beautiful and meaningful. This vision dress, accentuating her phenomenal in the face with her performance that pm is embodied by Sasha Velour, winner silhouette, and a matching pill-box hat she began by feverishly miming a of RuPaul’s Drag Race Season Nine, with a billowing train and elongated monologue about the corruptive and How Much: $30 at the who created and hosts the feather. The two proposed a toast to relentless nature of capitalism. Then, door; $25 if paid before showcase along with her in a bedazzled, dollar-sign March 7th drag sister, Olive d’Nightlife. leotard, the drag queen Admittedly, I know very little gave it her all to a remix of Why: Proceeds go to St. about the drag community. Rihanna’s “Bitch Better Have Jude’s Research Hospital From articles I’ve read and My Money”. Splits were done. and there’s pizza show excerpts I’ve watched, I Money was thrown. And jaws realize there are issues such surely dropped. as racial biases within the Monet X Change, who will What: Cultural Affairs community. Of course, this be debuting on next season of March Raffle doesn’t exactly reflect the RuPaul’s Drag Race, had the drag community itself, but best look and outfit reveal. Where: McGinley Lobby rather the ingrained societal She stood in a sparkling red When: March 13 from thought which is further dress before a projection of 6pm to 7pm propagated by a certain fire. Eventually, she stripped orange guy squatting in a herself of her feather collar How Much: TBA white house. Despite this, the and hoop skirt to uncover Why: Win tix to Lorde’s drag community is one of the NO ONE IS a skintight bodysuit in Melodrama Tour at most inclusive, accepting, gradients of brilliant red, and supportive subcultures WORTHY orange, yellow, and blue. Barclay’s on 4/4 or to I’ve ever seen. She was reminiscent of a some sports thing. I found myself at Nightgowns on phoenix, reborn from flames. a Monday in February. National sisterhood, clinking glasses of white Finally, after each performer had Sawdust’s design itself contributed to wine and sipping from straws. their time in the limelight, Sasha left the air of ingenuity. White geometric At this point, Sasha took her place at the audience with one final number. shapes of varying sizes and indented the side of the stage and delivered a She looked beyond elegant in a white, patterning adorned the walls and profound and carefully worded speech mermaid gown and radiant yellow ceilings, and the room was bathed in about queerness, love, solidarity, and gloves. Finger by finger, she removed hot pink light. passion. Her language was simple each glove to uncover large, blue Olive d’Nightlife took the stage in yet every word carried such depth raindrops, which she violently plucked cheetah print and she was larger than and authenticity. This sincerity was from her dress. It was a beautiful life, not only in stature, but in her continued through the heartfelt lip- ending to an evening full of glamour, presence, which exuded confidence syncing acts of the following six compassion, and all-around positive and joy. After her gracious monologue performers. energy. welcoming everyone, Olive introduced Five drag queens and one drag king “Happy Days Are Here Again,” Sasha Sasha in what was one of the most performed and during the intermission, lip-synced. And in that moment, it felt dramatic and highly anticipated there was a raffle for prizes with all of as if she was right. entrances ever, but I expected nothing the proceeds going to the Trinity Place march 7, 2018 the paper page 17 Altered Carbon: Netflix’s Neo-Noire Crime Drama Shows by Michael Jack O’Brien Cyberpunk flair with less optimal writing What: Free Days at the Executive Editor of Altered Carbon leaves something to a “neo-noire” story full of angst and be- I’ll be the first to admit that cyber- be desired. For starters, the series has trayal, but performs more in line with a Whitney Museum of punk is my guilty pleasure. The writing trouble picking a tone and sticking with cyberpunk Sherlock Holmes story, with American Art could be subpar, the actors could be it. While the story starts as a bleak, a mystery plot so convoluted that only Where: Whitney Museum boring, but god damn if you slap some miserable noire detective story in the a hyper-aware detective genius would neon lights and rain onto a setting, likes of, say it with me now, Blade Run- be able to uncover the true meanings When: Fri. March 9 from I’m instantly a fan. Of course, cyber- ner, the show quickly descends into behind the clues. 7-10pm punk would be meaningless without a somewhat goofy crime action story, At this point, we need to address How Much: Pay what you its partner in crime, neo-noire; which with gratuitous shootouts, fistfights, what I find is the biggest flaw inAltered gives framing for why everything is and one-liners galore. Not that there’s Carbon. While the protagonist Takeshi want!! grey, gritty, and miserable. If, like it is anything wrong with this, but the juxta- Kovacs is certainly interesting, it’s hard Why: Thought-provoking for me, this setting is your perfect cup position of tone from scene to scene to ignore the fact that he is ostensibly art! Or just a nice of tea, then I’m sure you’ll be pleased is jarring. In one moment a character a Mary Sue, or maybe Larry Sue, as to learn that the new Netflix exclusive could be having an existential break- the character seems to check all the backdrop for your crime drama Altered Carbon is right up down about the futility of life because boxes of male wish fulfillment. Takeshi new Facebook profile your alley. nobody can die. In another, they can be seems to be good at almost everything picture... Brought back to life after a century seen chumming it up with a turn of the he does, with the plot explaining that in stasis, Altered Carbon follows the century robot butler, drinking whiskey he’s essentially a hyper-trained super adventures of Takeshi Kovacs: super soldier called an “envoy.” What: Fordham soldier, master detective, He’s basically invincible, Playrights Festival and freedom fighter among and almost never loses a other things who is charged fight unless the odds are Where: Collins Black Box with solving the murder of the stacked absurdly against When: Fri. March 9 and wealthy Lawrence Bancroft in him. He’s a perfect de- Sat. Macrh 10 at 8pm a futuristic hyper-developed tective who possesses a San Francisco, now called Bay magical plot device called How Much: FREE City. The catch to this story “envoy intuition” which Why: Talent galore! is, of course, that Lawrence means that he just hap- Bancroft is still alive. In the pens to observe way more world of Altered Carbon, hu- about situations than his What: Porches, Girl Ray, man consciousness has been companions. He’s funny, and Palberta Concert downloaded into “stacks” but also a complete ass- Where: Music Hall of that can be moved from body hole, and no matter how to body. As a result, it’s quite many bodies he leaves in Williamsburg hard to actually “die” as long his wake, his core group of When: Fri. March 23 as you can afford a new body. compatriots never seem to How Much: $20 While the world of Altered leave his side. And more- Carbon is colorful and inter- over, he’s also ridiculously Why: SoOoOoooo indie esting, it is by no means origi- attractive and winds up nal. The show is not afraid to seducing or being seduced wear its inspirations on its by female cast members sleeve and takes wholesale who for one reason or an- from the “generic cyberpunk other want to get inside his playbook” without shame. pants. It’s not that he’s a Rain, neon lights, multiculturalism, and playing poker as if they had com- bad character, but I can’t help to think and massive wealth disparity are all pletely forgotten about the immense about Altered Carbon’s contempo- fair game. Even the setting, Bay City, is psychological trauma they just expe- raries, mainly Blade Runner and Blade seemingly copied straight from Blade rienced. This problem also extends to Runner 2049, both of which feature Runner. Of course, this is fine, and Al- the protagonist, Takeshi. While on one protagonists who are emphasized as tered Carbon is not pretending to be hand he’s supposed to be a rough and not being “super detectives” and get anything that it’s not with its setting, tumble mercenary who only works for beat down constantly over the course unoriginal as it is. himself, willing to lie, cheat, and steal of their respective films. The main actors of the series, Joel to get what he wants, he also can’t Writing flaws aside, I still had fun Kinnaman as the protagonist Takeshi seem to go five minutes without crack- with Altered Carbon, and I’m looking and Martha Higareda as the tough ing some overly sarcastic one-liners or forward to a second season if it gets grizzled cop Kristen Ortega perform attempting to play buddy cop with his renewed. It’s not perfect by any means, wonderfully, and have great on-screen new friends and sometimes lovers. As a but as I said before, cyber-punky neon chemistry. Be that as it may, the writing result, Altered Carbon markets itself as lights can make me fawn over anything. page 18 the paper march 7, 2018 I Went to See Last Week Tonight and all I got was Roasted by Jack Archambault What’s up with the goats, Jack? Opinions Editor Show. Really, just go online and try. the show. What amazed me about this impersonators from around the globe, Two weeks ago, I was lucky enough Episodes are taped at the CBS studios was just how funny he is in person. I Oliver described mocking Trump as “a to go see Last Week Tonight with on 57th street a few hours before they mean, I always knew he was funny, but cottage industry.” But the show ended John Oliver, or as my mom calls it, air on HBO. Before the show starts, a I also thought he just kind of read off on a more hopeful note, with Oliver That Last Week John Oliver Show. I comedian who is not as talented or the teleprompter, leading to me having making an impassioned plea to the rest had been trying to get tickets with my charming as John Oliver comes out a number of, “I bet I could do that,” of the world to recognize that Trump friend, Brian Ma (hit him up, ladies) for and warms up the crowd. And in this discussions with my friends. Here’s a is not all of America. After naming months, and we were finally successful. context “warms up” actually means fact…I can’t. great things about our country, like I’m assuming most of you reading this “picks two unsuspecting members of The show itself was outstanding, as Mountain Dew, Popeye’s Chicken, and have seen the show, but for anyone the audience and roasts the ever-loving always. Sometimes Oliver discusses bubble soccer, the New York City Gay who hasn’t, it involves a very British- shit out of them.” Those two people more obscure topics that people might Men’s Chorus came onto the stage and looking guy, John Oliver, sitting at a were, you guessed it, Brian and me. It not be aware of, such as auto lending, performed “All-Star” by Smash Mouth. I desk and talking about news stories is disempowering to be made fun of in or debt buyers, but for the first episode don’t mean to be hyperbolic when I say that happened in the previous week. front of hundreds of people who know of Season 5 he played a classic: Trump. this: It was the most beautiful piece of But you know all that. I’m here to tell nothing about you, because to them, Specifically, how he interacts with and art I’ve ever seen, and John Oliver is a you about the Last Week Tonight you everything the roaster says about you is seen by the rest of the world. Fact bad bitch. don’t see on TV. is true. Nobody knows any better. You numero dos…not kindly. While Oliver Okay, that last sentence sounded can’t defend yourself. To everybody has tackled the topic of Trump many a lot cooler than it actually is. Like all there that night, all I am is a teenager times, it felt fresh this time because late-night shows, tickets are assigned with a mockable voice who has a he reached beyond how Trump’s through a lottery you can enter online weird goat obsession. (I’m not going to actions affect America, to how they about a month before taping. I cannot explain that). affect the international community. recommend entering these lotteries Finally, as my self-esteem was about Essentially, he looked at what the enough. Tickets are free if you are to shatter into a million pieces and world thinks of Trump. Fact the third… lucky enough to be selected, and this scatter across the floor, John Oliver that he’s a colossal joke. Seriously. year I’ve also won tickets to The Tonight came out for an audience Q & A before Before showing a montage of Trump Two paper Editors see “A Case for Magic” at the Frigid Festival by Olivia Langenberg But can he make my anxiety disappear? Features and Lists Editor on the D train at 7pm on a Wednesday. Malissa crafted his show with many I’ve seen mentalists on America’s Got A few weeks back, we at the paper Before I know it, I’m in the East Village, short tricks in succession. He went Talent and the like, so I was excited to were offered a unique opportunity to and I realize I have no idea what I’m through another card trick in which see Malissa take a stab at it. My fellow attend “A Case for Magic” at the NYC getting myself into. I wander into the he informed us that he had made a editor, Annie was the one who had the Frigid Fringe Festival. When I read this Kraine Theater, find myself a seat, and prediction prior to the performance. pleasure of assisting Malissa for this email, I quickly offered to represent us buckle in for what is about to come The card he imagined we would trick. From what I know, mentalism at the event. I like to take advantage of next. The performance space was pick was on stage sealed away in an involves careful observance and the random opportunities we get here small, similar to the envelope. Once intuition. Somehow, the talent is able in NYC, so I thought, “Hey, why not?” Blackbox in Collins again, audience to pick out a word that the person is The Frigid Festival was founded and most indie participation was thinking of just from watching them. back in 2007 to give the theater theater spaces I’ve encouraged to Annie was instructed to pick a word community a place to freely express been in before. narrow down the from a page in The Economist, of themselves and their art. In support of Malissa took the cards until we which she chose “paintbrush.” Malissa this, 100% of the box office proceeds stage, opening the eventually selected proposed some random words to her, go directly to the artists. Frigid thrives show asking the one specific card. observing the way she reacted to through generous donations from the audience whether And of course, that them, and eventually determined that surrounding community. It runs for or not we liked card was the card that “paintbrush” was indeed the word she about 2 weeks, giving performers the tricks. Most of us had been sealed had been thinking of. opportunity to showcase their talents said we did, and in the envelope. All in all, I enjoyed my experience at multiple times. The act that we were Malissa proceeded Sure, it wasn’t an “A Case for Magic.” It was a night full of specifically invited to attend was to shuffle a deck incredibly mind- light-hearted fun, gasps, and wonder. Robert Malissa’s “A Case for Magic.” of cards. He asked blowing trick, but I It isn’t terribly often that you get invited Malissa is a Philadelphia native who for a volunteer, but was still impressed. to a magic show, so I’m glad that I had has been doing magic since age 12. phrased it as “an internship,” which If I can’t tell how a trick is done, the opportunity to attend one. Malissa His goal of the show is to fight back the audience enjoyed. He performed a consider me pleased. told us he had been working on this against the idea that magic is tacky, or typical card trick, one of those “Is this Perhaps my favorite part of the show particular show for a year, and it is just for kids. your card?” bits to start the show off. was Malissa’s attempt at mentalism. clear that his work paid off. So there I am. I’m headed downtown march 7, 2018 the paper page 19 An In-Depth Analysis of Fifty Shades Freed: It Had to Be Done... by Gabby Curran A lesson on love, life, and dairy-licking Staff Lactose Intolerant schedule to berate her for it. How dare - Despite having an entire trained se- - With enough influence, privilege, Last Saturday, I had the opportuni- she not want everyone to know that curity staff at your disposal and living wealth and power, you too can extract ty––nay, the privilege––to see the long- she is yours and yours alone? This is in a presumably well-guarded property, $5,000,000 in cash at the drop of a awaited finale of the Fifty Shades of definitely a big enough issue for you to you can still be held at knifepoint by an hat, no questions asked! Grey franchise. With Fifty Shades Freed need to talk to her in person about it, ex-prisoner who snuck into your house. - Pregnant women cannot handle finally adapted for and released on the right then and there. Somehow. three punches without having to go to silver screen, this trilogy of sin is com- - The time to bring up having children - You are completely within your rights the hospital wearing an oxygen mask. plete at last. The film itself is nothing is obviously after the wedding. There’s to dictate the way your wife lives her Women are already helpless, fragile short of a masterpiece––awkward cin- no need to address the topic and ruin life, including hiring an entire security little flowers by nature (obviously) but ematography, agonizingly clumsy line your relationship too soon; save this team to surround her at all times, and with the added condition of pregnancy, delivery, and some of the most cringe- conversation for after you’ve said your making her come home straight from they become tiny, delicate creatures worthy writing I have personally ever wit- vows so you can blow up at each other work, no exceptions, not even if she is that the smallest gust of wind could ef- nessed make this movie among of the when you realize you want completely a grown ass woman. If she wanted to fortlessly knock over. finest of its genre. All fifteen people in different things out of life. see her friends, she should have gone - If, perchance, someone should turn the movie theater I attended, especially - If your husband employs any woman before her curfew. your romance into a kinky softcore porn the sixty-year-old man who kept shush- who is remotely attractive––especially - If your twenty-something-year-old film for lonely 40-year-old housewives ing my friends and I, were on the edge if she’s an architect––she is obviously wife disobeys your orders (how dare too old for Twilight, make sure that the of our seats, completely enthralled by a threat and trying to bang him. Neu- she!) it’s perfectly reasonable –– and wife’s tits are prominent and in full view the performances. But this delightful tralize the thot as soon as possible. encouraged! –– to torture her with a as much as possible while the hus- little film wasn’t merely entertaining. Trust? Who even needs that in a rela- vibrator because you want her to feel band’s dick is carefully concealed at all Were Sir Philip Sidney (God rest his tionship anymore? what it’s like when she “frustrates you.” times. Now that’s what I call equality! soul) still with us, he would have been - Metal dildos are a thing. Yes, I was That’s what marriage is all about, right? - If you think a guy is creepy, posses- proud of Fifty Shades Freed’s ability to just as shocked as you are. And you too Passive-aggressive retaliation? sive, manipulative, and a stalker, just delight and to teach. Here is but a small can own one for the low, low price of - If you decide to own a gun for per- give it five months––you’ll find yourself list of life lessons, in no particular or- $52.25 on Amazon for a limited time sonal protection, be sure to store it in married to him in no time (yes, the en- der, that I have picked up from the final only! a safe and concealed place. This obvi- tire Fifty Shades trilogy allegedly takes installment of the timeless trilogy that - If you think your lover is cheating ously means a random drawer in your place over the span of five months). is Fifty Shades of Grey. on you, they’re probably just planning office where a woman looking for scis- - If you are soft-spoken, sweet, even - When you marry your significant oth- to propose to you, so don’t freak out! sors could easily discover it and pocket remotely attractive, and bland as can er, you are obviously signing a contract Having your man become completely it later. be, every man in your vicinity will inex- that states that you will obey their every closed off to you and spend a suspi- - If your wife gets pregnant despite the plicably be charmed by and drawn to command. You are also apparently stat- cious amount of time with a beautiful two of you having an inordinate amount you. They will then proceed to either fall ing that you are now a possession that woman with big fake breasts doesn’t of sex (how dare she), the appropriate in love with you, or hate you and try to cannot be shared with anyone. mean jack. Just make sure your fingers response is to get angry, leave, come kill you. - You can never have too many hous- are properly manicured at all times–– home drunk, and above all blame her - While reminiscing about the past es. Do you, a married couple with no he could pop the question at any mo- for her current condition. failure that is your ““““BDSM”””” rela- children, already own a luxurious multi- ment! - Trying to disguise the third install- tionship, be sure that a sultry, upbeat story apartment big enough to house - Vanilla ice cream is an aphrodisiac. ment of a poorly-represented dom-sub Ellie Goulding song is playing in the a family of 10? Why not purchase an- Having a little trouble getting things relationship as an action flick? Just in- background. That way, your liaison will other one, and completely revamp it to going in the bedroom? Have no fear–– sert a random kidnapping scene cen- look like it was an actual romance as add more space while you’re at it? Pay Ben & Jerry are here to help. Dripping tered around a character who was bare- opposed to the abusive, toxic and mi- no mind to the homeless people living it all over your lover’s bare chest and ly in the film. Also, be sure to include a sogynistic piece of shit that it really was. down the street, though. then licking it up with your tongue, crazily underwhelming car chase scene - And finally, $16.00 is a totally appro- - If your wife refuses to change her disregarding the uncomfortable sticky where the most exciting thing that hap- priate amount of money to pay to see email to reflect her new married name residue it obviously leaves behind? De- pens is a car bypassing another, sta- poorly-written softcore porn, especially within a specific time frame, march licious. You’ll never look at frozen dairy tionary car at a slightly faster speed if you are a college student with little to over to her office and interrupt her busy the same way again. than one would expect. no money to begin with. page 20 the paper march 7, 2018

features the paper’s olympic recap/review written by someone who has very minimal knowledge of cold olympic sports

elizabeth swaney was a queen. she rep- there was a lot of stuffed ani- resented hungary and she skied the this guy did some ice skating mals at the olympics. i really ad- most average halfpipe ski event that i forget his name i thnk its aaron all i mired it. we should start a petition anyone ever seen. i am offended that know is that he’s american and gay everywhere to throw stuffed animals people were mad at her for this. she had 10/10 at people for their amazing perfor- a dream to come to the olympics, and my mood when i drop my metrocard on mances. 10/10 south korea despite her averageness, she achieved the floor of the dirty subway and i know her dream of competing in the olympics. im going to have to awkwardly scrape it elizabeth swaney is my hero. i recommend off the mysteriously sticky ground watching the video of her skiing, the com- mentary is priceless

yo i don’t know who this is but homegirl is lit- erally vertical to the floor and im fucking im- alright so 10/10 recommend google image pressed. she reaching for her olympic dreams searching people luging because they look ok so i really liked curling because it just and achieving them, and i’m out here just hilariously ridiculous. shit’s really dangerous, you know really inspired me to just let go reaching for decent grades, and not even they’re going mad fast and they gotta make of my fears, and to imagine myself as the achieving that lmao. god bless people with sure they’re not gonna DIE. they dropping curling stone = gently sliding on ice, with ambition. down the slope faster than my gpa gonna drop no control of my destiny, and random this semester from not studying. i realize i’ve people just brushing the floor in front of made that joke twice but i do not care me?? um talk about being treated like a #queen march 7, 2018 the paper page 21

Am I the only one who feels like the jeezlus stars align and Mer- Midterms...Again? Squirrel season it has been winter for at least 2 cury is in retrograde or some shit Midterms bloom at the very be- March brings back squirrels. You years straight? Not sure what we it suddenly becomes an ARCTIC ginning of March. While their lifes- think there are a lot of squirrels did to deserve this, but I’m cer- WASTELAND; DON’T GO OUTSIDE pan is only of about two weeks, on campus right now? Boy oh boy, tainly looking forward to spring, TODAY BECAUSE IT HURTS YOUR the misery and pain they bring just wait til spring when they all whenever it gets here. This time FACE, BECAUSE I’M MARCH AND will stick with you for months to multiply...like...rabbits. Ok that around, we decided to ask the THIS ISN’T JUST A PHASE. In short, come, and will keep you up at metaphor doesn’t work since paper staff: April showers bring March is the Kylo Ren of months night asking questions like, “Why they’re rodents, too, but there are May flowers, but what does and should be shown the fucking am I spending $60k a year to go a WHOLE BUNCH. The big wave March bring? door. to college when I could just feel usually hits in April or May, but like crap about myself in the com- they start to poke their heads out Midterms HELL A sweet gift from Ronny McDon- fort of my parents’ home?” Side in early March, seeing if it’s warm March obviously brings midterms ny effects of exposure to midterms enough and snatching some Grille and grades for midterms. Every Shamrock Shakes! If you haven’t include the number 4.0 becom- fries while they’re out, lil sneak- person on campus dreads the tried one, head on down to your lo- ing a reminder of what will never ers. Gotta love em. midterm hell. The fear and sleep- cal Mickey D’s and slurp down one be, questioning how and why less nights figuring out which his- of these hazardous chemical look- you are still alive, and wondering Sports! torical figure killed who and how ing minty delights with a dollop of if your parents would be mad at Madness! I don’t follow basketball to do the Pythagorean Theorem whipped cream and a cherry on you dropping out and becoming a anymore, but I used to live near and then adding seventeen more top! Unless of course, their ice stripper. Duke University, and the Final steps. March brings the terrible cream machine is broken. Four bracket is indelibly imprinted feeling of waiting to receive your A balance of giving and taking on my soul. midterm back and seeing whether Nothing good.. That’s for sure March brings my period and takes or not those twenty questions you March sucks. All it brings is mid- away my dorm key. If anyone has General discomfort guessed on were actually the right terms, weird illnesses, annoying found a key around Freeman Hall Everyone already said that March answer. Why are they so hard? weather, and STRESS. I am so pls lmk. brings midterms.. But this time of Why do our professors hate us? It stressed -- mostly about my acne year also means that too much must be the new March air. Espe- which is caused by stress and my Bad Irish Accents time has passed for me to ask that cially if that groundhog fucked us DuoLingo Dutch certificate. Why St. Patrick’s day is just around the girl in my Anthropology class what over, the little prick. am I learning Dutch? It doesn’t corner and you know what that her name is every time she casu- matter. All that matters is how means!! Everyone pretending to ally makes small talk with me. It BULLSHIT WEATHER much March sucks. be Irish, and using this as an ex- also means that it’s about to be April showers bring May flowers, cuse to get shitfaced in public, and time for outdoor parties again and which is great, I just wish that That warm feeling of sadness... further perpetuate stereotypes there’s nothing worse than having April politely asked its neighbor Seasonal depression, baby! Be- that Irish are all drunks. This ste- to pee in someone’s backyard. March to MAKE UP ITS FUCKING cause nothing is sadder than the reotype may or may not be true. Why won’t you let me into your MIND ABOUT WHAT SEASON IT’S fact that spring break is on the ho- It’s whatever you want to believe. house? Why must you make me SUPPOSED TO BE. Some days it’s rizon and I look like the love-child Also March brings my dog’s birth- squat in the corner of your back- sunny! Spring! Happiness! Warm of Pillsbury dough boy and the day. Happy 8th birthday Maxlee yard like an animal? What are you weather! And then other times if Michelin man. you keep being the bomb.. hiding? page 22 the paper march 7, 2018 teresting dynamic to their sound. The hearted music like this, I expect them. tracks “Glass Palaces” and “Sunwise” But…I want to be wowed. Unfortunately, are the most directly djent and math I was just kind of bored when I finished metal style, and they make you want listening to this. I didn’t have a bad to head bang for a long time. The best time listening to it by any means. What track on the album in my opinion is the will happen here is I will move on with title track “Vignette.” It’s 12 minutes my life and this album will slip into the long and I love me some awesome long black hole of my mind. Before I know it, songs. It has all the hard-hitting chug- I won’t be able to remember the name ging riffs that you would expect from a of it or any songs on it. My life will be djent album, but in between has these the same as it was before this album beautiful electronic and melodic notes came out. At least the album artwork is and guitar pieces that really make the pretty though, right? track stand out. Overall, I think it’s a Favorite Track: “Lay It On Me” great debut. Favorite Track: “Vignette”

Janelle Monáe she’s the GOAT now, would anybody “Make Me Feel” and “Django Jane” doubt it?” By Robin Happel “Make Me Feel” has a uniquely 80’s synth feel, more femme than fembot, distinct from Monáe’s previous electro- pop hits on ArchAndroid and her other albums. In a radio interview with the BBC, Monáe revealed that Prince actually wrote the synth line shortly before his death, meaning “Make Me Feel” might be as close as we ever get to resurrecting the Purple One (unless Timberlake follows through on his tacky hologram). Released with semi- autobiographical song “Django Jane,” Vance Joy “Make Me Feel” is a stand-out single Nation of Two DJ Khaled from upcoming album Dirty Computer. Olivia Langenberg “Top Off” When I first saw the album artwork Punchy and fast-paced, the music Andrew Millman video for “Make Me Feel” is a neon for this, I was stoked. It is seriously confection, a futuristic fantasy part stunning. Unfortunately, the artwork In preparation for his eleventh album is pretty much the most exciting thing Father of Asahd, DJ Khaled released San Junipero, part “Space Oddity.” Letters from the Colony about this album. I like Vance Joy. He his latest single “Top Off.” The song Beneath its sugary surface lies great Vignette feels like the kind of guy you’d sit in a features Jay Z and Beyoncé (and Fu- depth, however, as when Monáe By Christian Decker dances before strobe lights patterned porch swing with and drink sweet tea. ture is there too). After “Shinning,” the I’ve been looking for some good pro- like a bisexual pride flag, and draws That being said, he’s pretty vanilla, and song is the second time DJ Khaled has gressive and math metal to listen to for inspiration from the at-times androgyny that comes through on this album. I lis- gotten Jay Z and Beyoncé together on quite a bit now. I’m a huge Meshuggah of both David Bowie and Prince himself. tened to this album the first time while a song. Living meme DJ Khaled yells fan, and you can definitely hear the in- Dressed as a drag king, Monáe further my roommate made a stir fry, and it out his standard set of interjections fluence of them on this record. This is bends gender expectations in “Django felt appropriate for that event. This is (“We the Best,” “DJ Khaled,” etc.) and the debut LP for Letters from the Col- Jane.” Like her previous anthem the kind of music you can put on ab- Future repeats the same line (“I took ony on Nuclear Blast Records. The al- “Q.U.E.E.N,” “Django Jane” delivers sentmindedly in the background while the top off the Maybach”) for the cho- bum is actually relatively short, running both the punchy pop vocals and layers you’re doing something else. rus over an equally boring and repeti- a little less than an hour, but it packs a of hidden meaning Monáe is famed This album feels like a mixture tive beat. However, Jay Z and Beyoncé punch. The opening track, “Galax”, is 8 for. In lines like, “Black girl magic, of a lot of artists I know. I feel some save the song and make it bearable to minutes of pure djent with some really y’all can’t stand it / Y’all can’t ban it, Fleet Foxes, some Mumford & Sons, listen to. Without them, the song is just cool electronic elements. You can tell made out like a bandit” Monáe cleverly and some Ed Sheeran in here. That’s a Future song from like 2016. Both Jay the band obviously takes a lot of inspi- comments on her own humble origins fine. Yet, I don’t really want to listen and Beyoncé call for the release of rap- ration from Meshuggah, but they add and meteoric rise. “Django Jane” is a to someone’s music and just hear a per Meek Mill, who has been unjustly enough of their own flavor to make it touching tribute to both her blue-collar bunch of other people’s sounds in it. imprisoned for months. Jay Z juxtapos- interesting and fresh. The guitar solos family and her well-deserved success, Lyrically, this album also doesn’t stand es this injustice with George Zimmer- are much more clean sounding than and, in the words of Monáe herself, “if out. I don’t mind clichés, and, in light- man’s freedom after killing an unarmed Meshuggah’s which adds another in- march 7, 2018 the paper page 23 teenager Trayvon Martin. Overall, Jay’s and a catchy chorus that sounds like psychedelia in many of the tracks, with verse is on the better side of his late- it could’ve come from a mid-2000s some tracks composed almost entirely career work. I enjoyed 4:44 and hope pop-rock song. Sonically, the more dis- of psychedelic sounds. Two such tracks David’s Bad Love he makes more music like that, rather sonant aspects of the band are absent, are “Anagram of We Sold Apes” and than bragging about his wealth, which making room for very straightforward “Anagram 1st Prize Reprise,” which Playlist is less compelling, albeit entertaining. power chord driven guitar melodies, open and close the album respectively. Jay may be good, but the best part of traditional rock solos, and a lot of sing- This technique is interesting, because the song is Beyoncé rapping. It’s disap- along vocal hooks. it allows the listener to smoothly slide 1. “I put a spell on point that she doesn’t sing the chorus All in all, this is some of the into the listening at the albums start instead of Future. She has the best line tightest playing one could hope for and find sufficient closure at -the al you” Screamin’ Jay in the song: “If they’re trying to party from a straightforward pop punk al- bums end. with the queen, they’re going to have to bum. I miss the off the wall idiosyncrat- By far one of the best quali- Hawkins sing a non-disclosure.” Same. ic sounds Screaming Females used to ties about this album is the sarcasm bring, but I can tell I’ll be returning for a rife throughout it. One of my favorite few of these songs. The albums worth tracks, “I’m Dope” opens with a belch, 2. “Coldwater Can- a listen, and I have no doubt some of effectively amplifying its already sar- these hooks will stay with me down the castic tone. This aspect of the album yon” Dory Previn line. really allows the artist to pull off some Favorite Song: “Soft Domination” of the more serious themes, such as a bright song about his own poverty or 3. “Sidepiece” Nx- depression. As far as the album as a whole goes, I found it quite interesting, worries insofar as Go-Kart Mozart and their front man “Lawrence” managed to make unexpectedly functional, playful 4. “hey” the pixies songs. Favorite Song: “I’m Dope” 5. “She’s like her- oin to me” the Gun club

Screaming Females All At Once 6. “the weekend” sza David Kennedy

New Jersey rock group, Screaming Females, are back with 7. “the night josh their first release since 2015’s Rose Mountain. Vocalist/guitarist, Marissa tillman came to our Paternoster, fronts the group, playing apt.” father john guitar riffs that are both melodic, and angular. Her vocals are idiosyncratical- Go-Kart Mozart misty ly witchy, wailing, and full of an odd vi- Mozart’s Mini-Mart brato that sounds as though she could Marty Gatto lose control of her own voice at any second. The rhythm section is jittery The bizarre, middle-aged 8. “hypnotize” the and syncopated in a way that demands English indie rock musician known white stripes constant nods. mononymously as “Lawrence” has just Screaming Females have released a new album with his band made a slow transition through their Go-Kart Mozart entitled Mozart’s Mini discography to a more consistently Mart. The album features a strange, 9. “our love” sharon poppy and hook driven sound from intriguing mixture of sounds on each van etten their earlier heavier stuff. All At Once track, like the 80’s synth prevalent features some of the groups most throughout the album and the bluesy, lyrically complex songs. The album fo- energetic piano present in “Relative cuses on the subject of relationships. Poverty,” a song, as the title may have 10. “I put a spell on The vocals are suitably melodramatic you guess, about how the singer is liv- and high-flown. The song Soft Domi- ing on “a dinner a day.” you” Nina simone nation embodies the two sides of the In addition to these energetic band, featuring tense, heavy verses elements that bring hooks and rhythm, there is also a notable component of page 24 the paper march 7, 2018