Bottom Series 1, Episode 6. Accident. ------by Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayall.

Scene 1. The Flat. ------[Morning. Eddie is sitting at the kitchen table. Richie comes in, singing.] Richie: Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear Richie, happy birthday to me. Happy birth-day to me. Happy birthday.. dear.. Richie.. Happy bi-irth-day to-o me! Eddie: Happy birthday Richie. Richie: Thank you. Rather a bumper crop of cards this year! Popular guy you see Eddie. Let's see, how many cards did you get for your birthday? Oh no no, of course, how thoughtless of me, 'cause you didn't get any, did you? Eddie: Only because you glued up the letterbox. Richie: Now that's just sour grapes Eddie, there was absolutely no proof that it was me. Eddie: Well, except you couldn't get your hands out of your pockets all day. Mind you, what's new? Richie: Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Ah! "May all your birthdays be happy ones, we like you more than Eddie." Ah-haa. That's nice, isn't it? "Terry Hardacre". Ah-ha ha ha ha ha ha haa, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, he's written a little joke. "Congratulations, it's your birthday, it's time for lots of fun." Both: "So roll this card up nice and tight and stick it up your bum." Richie: Ah, ha ha ha ha ha, ah ha ha ha! He is a maaad man. Un-stoppable. Ah-ha-u- Eddie: That's the same card he sent last year, isn't it? Oh no, that's the same one he's sent for the last five years actually. The same joke as well. Richie: Hmm-hm-hm-hmm. Ooh! I wonder who this one can be from? Eddie: That looks like the one from Sue Carpenter. Richie: Eddie, you must be psychic! It is, it's from Sue Carpenter. Good old Sue. Mmmmm-mmagh! Hah! I really must phone her up more often. Eddie: I don't think you should, Richie. They took out that injunction, remember? Richie: Ooh! Here's one from all the lads on the Ark Royal! Bless 'em, they never forget an old serviceman. Eddie: By "serviceman" I take it you mean that time you got caught on board pretending to be the Captain, just to impress Ethel Cardew. Richie: It worked. Eddie: No it didn't, she got off with the arresting officer! Richie: Yeah, well, it worked for him! Anyway, stop trying to spoil my birthday. Look, it says here "Best wishes from all the lads on the Ark Royal." Eddie: But it's in your handwriting! You've been sending it to yourself for the last seven years! This ones from Rod Steiger, this ones from Abba, with "Happy Christmas 1973" written inside it, and this one's from "The people of the Soviet Union, in grateful thanks to Comrade Richie." Richie: It's in Russian. Eddie: You just put the R's the wrong way round. Richie: That's what Russian is! Eddie: Gaw! Every year we have to go through this ridiculous charade! Richie: God, you're weird aren't you? I mean, you're really weird. This is all because I accidentally ruined your birthday last year, isn't it? Well it wasn't my fault I got so terribly ill I had to order you to cancel your birthday party! Eddie: You weren't ill, you just ate a tin of curry powder and painted your face green. I knew it was a hoax, because the paint washed off when that enema backfired. Richie: Okay, okay, okay. Let's sort this out. Now we're good friends Eddie, we've known each other for a long time, we can talk. And there is something I have been meaning to say to you for the last twenty-five years. Eddie: Ah! What's that? Richie: I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Go away and crawl away and die in a ditch somewhere, you bastard! Eddie: It was just a joke! Richie: No it wasn't!.. Was it? Eddie: Of course it was! I know these cards are genuine. The guys from the Ark Royal, General Pinochet, I mean how could you fake something like that, ah ha-ha-ha-haaah! I was joking! I'm sorry. Richie: Are you? Eddie: Yes. Richie: Well write it down then. Go on, there's a pen. Write down "I'm sorry". Write down "I'm sorry, I am a twat." Write down "I'm sorry, I am a twat" ten times. I shall wait for you by the television until you're ready. Eddie: [Writing.] "I'm sorry, I'm a twat. Ten times." Here you go. [Richie takes the paper and reads it. A terrible expression crosses his face. He controls himself and tears the paper up.] Richie: You're forgiven. And, you may come to my birthday party tonight. Eddie: Your what? I was going out tonight! Richie: What? Eddie: Yeah, I was going out with my real friends. Richie: Well, well they can come too. So long as they bring a bottle and don't steal all my birds. Eddie: Well who on earth's coming to this party? Richie: Well, I don't know. Twenty or thirty of my close chums. Eddie: Who's confirmed? Richie: Oh Eddie, you're so old-fashioned, ha ha. Nobody confirms invites these days. They just, sort of, turn up when they feel like it. It's a very informal, easy-going sort of arrangement, I very much approve. It's a breath of fresh air if you ask me. Eddie: So no-one's confirmed. Richie: That's right. No-one. 'S great. Eddie: Hmm. Richie: Oh! By the way, Eddie! Ah-hha-hha-hha-hhhha-hha! [Richie thrusts his hand out towards Eddie.] Eddie: What are you doing now? Richie: Happy birthday to me... Eddie: Hah! I see. Ha-ha ha. Happy Birthday Richie. Richie: Oh Eddie, you shouldn't have! You know I don't like anyone to make a fuss of my birthday! It's a bit small, isn't it? Is this how much you value our relationship? Bu- oh well, what the hell, I may as well be nice about it. Hah. Ooh, I wonder what it is? Ooh-hoo-ho, oohh it's a comb! It's my comb. It's my comb that I lost last week. Eddie: And now I'm giving it back to you! Happy Birthday! Richie: Look, this isn't some sort of joke you know. This is my birthday. You take this wrapping paper and you get me something good, or else. Eddie: All right. All right. Happy Birthday! Richie: Ooh-hoo-hoo, that's a bit more like it, that's bigger isn't it? Ooh, I wonder what it is, I wonder what it is... It's, it's the remote control from the television set. Eddie: That's right. What d'you want to watch, Birthday Boy? Richie: Right. That's it Eddie, this time you have really overstepped the mark. It's a fight. Eddie: Hang on, hang on hang on hang on. I've got your real present here. Richie: It's a piece of paper. It is a small piece of paper. Eddie: Read it. Richie: "Madame Swish, three-thirty." Oh! Eddie! You haven't? Oh, what a pal you are. "Madame Swish". Ooh-err! Hohh, God, at last I'm really going to do it. And on my birthday as well! Ohhhggh, I wonder what she's like? Eddie: She's a dead cert mate, a real stayer. Richie: Really? Eddie: Yeah, she'll come first. Richie: What, before me? Good grief, that's quick. So she'll think I'm great! Oh, what a pal you are! And it's all paid for? Eddie: Um, not exactly, I need a tenner. Richie: A tenner. Right. That's quite cheap, isn't it? Eddie: Er, well, no, in that case it's a tenner each way. Richie: Well, how many ways are there? Eddie: Well, you'll come first, second or third, won't you? Richie: Well how many people are going to be there? Eddie: Well, a few thousand. Richie: What? Eddie: Well it's Kempton. Richie: Kempton? I can't get down to Kempton by three-thirty! Eddie: You don't have to mate, it'll be on the telly! Richie: They're going to televise it? Well what if my auntie's watching? Eddie: Well what's illegal about betting on a horse? Richie: A horse? Eddie: Yeah. Richie: Madame Swish is, is, is a horse? Eddie: Yeah! Well what did you think it was? Richie: Oh no, nothing, nothing. Just checking. Eddie: I have given you a red hot tip. Richie: I know, and there's nothing I can do about it now, is there! Eddie: That horse is an absolute cert mate, it's a fantastic birthday present. Richie: All right, I'm sorry Eddie, I'm sorry. I was just, just being silly. Well, how much should I put on it? Eddie: Give us twenty quid and I'll see what I can do. Richie: Okay. There you are old mate. Eddie: Thanks mate! Happy Birthday! [Eddie rushes out clutching the money.] Scene 2. The Flat, Later. ------[Richie is on a ladder hanging up decorations. He is singing to himself.] Richie: Happy birthday to me, da da da, hap-py birthday. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday... [He looks up the skirt of the fairy he is hanging up, then notices Eddie coming in and puts it back.] Happy birthday to me- ooh, careful Eddie! Well, did we win? Eddie: Nope, we lost. Richie: Damn! Eddie: Only joking. Richie: You mean we won? Eddie: Yep indeedy-do! Richie: Fan-tastic! I knew I was great. What were the odds? Eddie: Ten to one. Richie: Ten to one! Ooh! Is that good? Eddie: Well, ah, you gave me ten, didn't you? Richie: Yeah. Eddie: So, you get one. Ten... to one. Richie: Brilliant! What a fantastic birthday present. Here, hang on, hang o-o-o-on! I gave you two tenners. Eddie: Ah, ha ha ha ha. Caught me out eh? Richie: Yeah, you don't get much past old Richie! Eddie: Yeah, you're right there! [Eddie tucks a wad of notes into his jacket pocket.] Here's your other quid. Richie: Great! Two quid, I knew today was my lucky day! Toss it over. Huh, huh... [Richie grabs for the money and falls off the ladder.] Ow, oh God, oh... Shit, what's that doing there? Huh, Eddie, Eddie! Awww! Eddie, my legs pointing the wrong way! Eddie: Well point it the right way! Richie: Owww! Hw-awww! I can't! Eddie: Hang on, I'll give you a hand. [Eddie tries to push Richie's leg back into position, with terrible crunching noises.] Richie: Eddie, no! Eddie: Hang on, I'll try from a different angle. Richie: Okay - Haaaaghh! Eddie: It's no good, it won't budge. Richie: Get the ambulance! Eddie: We haven't got an ambulance. No, we don't need one because I've just had a fantastic idea. Richie: Oh God, oh God, oh God, I'll never walk again. I'll never play tennis. You'll have to carry me to the toilet. Hoorgh! You'll see my knob! [Eddie ties a rope between Richie's leg and the open door.] Eddie: Now, just relax, because you might feel a moment's discomfort. Richie: Okay. [Eddie slams the door. Richie is dragged across the room and bangs his head on the door. A decoration above falls and smashes on his head. Cut to a view of an ambulance's flashing blue light.] Scene 3. The Flat, Later. ------[Eddie pushes Richie into the flat in a wheelchair.] Richie: Aargh! No, no! Forwards, Eddie, stop, stop, stop! I'm stuck, I'm stuck! Right, I'm fine here, just leave it here, that's fine Eddie. No! [Richie's plastered leg is stuck under the table. Eddie comes around and pushes it down.] That's fine, that's fine. Hoh, God, thank God we're home. I couldn't believe that nurse - all I said was "Hello, have you seen 'The Singing Detective'?" and she twatted me with a kidney dish! Right, what time is it? Eddie: It's, er, exactly thirty seconds to seven o'clock! Richie: Is it? Damn! I've got no time to put on my "Girl Bait" underpants! Right, give us a count-down of the final few seconds, old mate. Eddie: Okey-dokey. Five, four, three, two, one, zero. [Eddie opens the door. There's no-one there.] Richie: Hiiiii-ahh. Right, well that's it, it's a disaster isn't it? Well, it's a simple equation, I haven't got any friends so I'm going to kill myself. Eddie, go upstairs and get the razor blades. Eddie: Right you are old mate. Er, what do you want, safety or non-safety? [Eddie goes upstairs. There is a knock on the door.] Richie: Oh no! Hurrah! They're here at last, ah-ha, playing the old "I'm late" gag to the hilt. Huh, what great mates I've got. Wait, I'm coming, I'm coming! Had an accident, I'm not very quick. Don't go. Don't go away. Here I am! Ung, ung, ung, ungh - welcome one and welcome all! Who on earth are you? Spudgun: Erm, sorry, we seem to have come to the wrong house. Hedgehog: We're looking for Chopper Hitler. Richie: "Chopper"? Is there something I don't know, Eddie? Eddie: 'Allo boys, come on in! Richie: What? [Eddie pushes Richie aside. His plastered leg crashes through a door.] Eddie: Never mind him, he's just waiting for his mates to turn up. Right, here we got then, here's the punch, get stuck in. Spudgun: Thanks Eddie. Here, my wife's gone to the West Indies. Eddie: I didn't know that. Spudgun: Yeah, she went on Tuesday. Ah, it's funnier in the pub. Eddie: You not having a drink? Hedgehog: Well, we haven't got time, have we, not if we're going to this party. Eddie: No, I'm afraid this is the party. Hedgehog: Ah! Richie: Excuse me. Excuse me! Could you put that down please? Just put that down. Hedgehog: Why, what's wrong with it? Richie: Never mind that. Could I have your names please? Eddie: Richie! These are my friends that you said I could invite. Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog. Richie: Oh. Well. This is rather difficult for me because, you see, you've only really been half-invited. You're not on the "A" list. But, as it is my birthday, yes, I will let you stay. But I'm afraid I can't really let you stay properly, so, er, I'm going to have to ask you to go and stand in that corner please. Go on, quicker. Right, now that's fine. Now stay there. If you want to go to the toilet put your hand up. I'm just going to go and see if anyone's come yet. Spudgun: I see they've put up a new "Give Way" sign at the junction then. Eddie: Yeah. Richie: Excuse me, d-d-d-d-d-dddhh! Could you just keep it down a bit please? Good grief! Spudgun: Yeah, they, er, painted the road markings to match, did you see that? Eddie: Oh I did, yeah. Hedgehog: Yeah, I did too. Richie: For Christ's sake! Can't you keep a lid on it for a moment? I can't hear if anyone's knocking on the door or not. There could be thousands of the all queuing up on the stairs by now, oh Christ! I suppose I'll just have to go and check. And no wandering into the middle of the room while I'm away. [Spudgun puts up his hand just as Richie leaves.] Spudgun: Is he going to be a long time? Eddie: I'd do it in your glass mate. [Spudgun turns away facing the corner. Richie calls down the stairs.] Richie: Hello? Is anyone coming? [He sighs.] Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me-e, happy birthday to me. [Loudly.] I'm sorry, you can't come in, it distinctly said on the invite no jeans! And you, where's your bottle? Well you can't come in either then. And you twenty birds - I told you no bikinis! Bugger off! In fact I've decided none of you can come in. That's right, all two thousand of you, bugger off! I've decided I'd rather play with Eddie and his great mates. [He knocks on the door.] Yes? Well I don't care if you are Valerie Singleton in the nude, bugger off! [Richie slams the door and walks back into the room. Spudgun is holding a full glass.] Eddie: I think you should see a doctor, mate. Richie: Guys, guys! I have fixed it. Come on out of the corner - I've fixed it so you don't have to stay there any more. I don't know if you overheard me at all or not, but I told everyone else to go away. Yeah, yeah, I did. I thought, you know, let's just have a nice little private party. Me, and Eddie, and his two great mates. I mean, we're the hard-core, aren't we? Come on, drinks all round. So, er, er, mate. Erm, tell me about this road sign - sounds great! Spudgun: Is it all right to talk, Eddie? Eddie: Yeah. Spudgun: Well, they put up this new road sign which says "Give Way". But, like, the thing is, the old one said "Give Way" as well, so there's no real difference, they're just the same. So, what I was saying was, why did they put up the new one? And I mean everything would have been just the same. [Richie nods absently, and then notices Spudgun has finished.] Richie: Oh oh oh, ha ha ha ha ha haa! Fantastic, that's incredible! We're really the guys, aren't we? Hey, I know, let's all get completely drunk and play "Postman's Knock"! Where's that sherry? [He picks up Spudgun's glass and drinks from it. He gets about half-way down.] It's a bit warm, isn't it? Spudgun: So, er, what's "Postman's Knock" then? Richie: Oh! Right. Well, well mate... [Richie picks out something from between his teeth.] What's your name again? Spudgun: Spudgun. Richie: Spudgun. Why do they call you Spudgun? Spudgun: Well, give me a potato and I'll show you why. Eddie: Don't Richie, you don't want to see that. Richie: Well, why do they call you Hedgehog? Hedgehog: Give me a hedgehog and I'll show you why. Eddie: Well, why don't we just move on eh? What are the rules of this fantastic "Postman's Knock"? Richie: Oh right, it's great! Right, all the birds sit round in a vast circle, right? Then I go out in the hall and one by one all the birds come out and snog me. Right, so we'll give that one a miss shall we? I know, what about "Sardines"? Spudgun: What about 'em? Hedgehog: Well they're a kind of fish, aren't they? Richie: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haa, that's right, they are! Ah ha ha ha haa. We're all incredible, aren't we? Ha ha ha. What a great time we're having. No, but let's be sensible for a moment and sort out the rules. Right. "Sardines" is a game, right? One of us goes outside and hides and all the others have to come and look for him. But, when they find him, they hide with him. And, they snog with him... If they want to... Er, if they're a bird, right, which we're not. So we probably won't. Well, I don't know, give it a try... no, we won't give it a try. Okay, so, who wants to go and hide? Me! Ha ha, fooled you there! Right, close your eyes and off we go. [To Hedgehog.] Close your eyes. Just stop peeking, will