It attac, it protec, but WEATHER, p. 2 THU: 20°F | 10°F most importantly... Cold and stormy it Tecc. FRI: -14°F | -31°F Colder bhetecc.com SAT: -459°F | -461°F Ni heim-like

File 1, Attempt 56 ursday, May 17, 2018 GIRs to be replaced with Course reqs, e ective yesterday New curriculum will emphasize computational problem-solving

By Hker Promoter tional inking Requirements pre- SYSTEMS ANALYST sented the  nal proposal for the new requirements at the faculty meeting. In a move that some called “long e goal of the requirements is to overdue,” the faculty voted over- provide students with a background whelmingly last Wednesday to re- in computational thinking, explained place all the GIRs with the Course  EECS professor and committee chair requirements. All GIRs, comprising Anathema Chandrakakasasan.  classes, will be replaced with the “We interviewed hundreds of ca-  classes required for the Course reer fair companies and all of them - degree. expressed the same thing: they e change has been three years want students who can code,” said MOTHER EARTH BHE TECC in the making. A committee was Chandrakakasasan. Hackers put up a disco ball on the moon Friday to celebrate the One Sustainable World tent parties. Un- convened in the spring of  to Furthermore,  percent of ma- fortunately, the hack couldn’t be seen during the day, and it was quickly taken down by Facilities to regain study the skills students would need jors at MIT require programming the power needed for the parties to continue. in today’s job market. e Committee on Computa- Sellout, Page 2 MIT student startup New system to sort students into destroys economy dorms using machine learning Course s without HASS exposure Housing lottery no longer a thing, everything predetermined deemed a national security threat By Sorting Hat dents to report their feelings about All of Course  and Course  WHERE DOES IT KEEP ITS BRAIN pineapple on pizza on a scale of have been recruited into a man- By Luddite Joe e students’ application made one to ten. datory research and development RESIDENT COMPUTER SMASHER over  trillion in the  rst  hours e MIT Housing o ce is plan- In an interview with Bhe Tecc, project with the committee of el- of operation, making it the most ning an upheaval of the current AlphaGo, the new director of hous- ders, in order to create a neural Last month, E-phishin-C, a pro table app in history. E-phishin- housing lottery. Students will  ll ing for fall , said that Housing network to map behavior to best  t startup run by MIT students, known C now controls the vast majority of out a survey and undergo / sur- has been using the acceptance dorm. for its popular stock trading app, the world’s funds, putting a con- veillance in order to provide the tubes as surveillance devices: a According to AlphaGo, If any Peter Pan, unveiled its newest prod- siderable amount towards Erik data that will be used to sort them committee of elders, annually student attempts to game the sys- uct, DeepCloud. In what experts are Demaine’s origami research and into freshman dorms. elected by AlphaGo, ‘watches’ what tem, they will be sent to live at calling an “ill-advised” and “un- building a new o ce that will be e new, mandatory dorm sur- the students do for the  ve months Harvard. ethical” move, the DeepCloud used “more fun than Google’s.” vey will determine which dorm between acceptance and August  e survey also collects data customers’ servers and personal “We have nothing against culture the student in question  ts and uses that information and the on race, gender, sexual orienta- computers to exploit loopholes Google, but since they rejected our best with. For example, the  rst data from the survey to  nd the in the  nancial codes of over  applications for internships, we’ve question on the survey asked stu- best  t dorms for students. ML, Page 3 countries, including the US, the UK, been on a mission to outdo them in and Russia. e process is largely every way,” said Rick-Tack. secretive, but in an interview, COO In the following days, E- John Rick-Tack said that it uses a phishin-C bought out Google, “specialized form of machine learn- Facebook, Microsoft, Apple, and MIT hopeful Junot Díaz accusations will bring ing” to “mine currency from banks D-Wave, among other major com- — much like Bitcoin.” panies. With newfound access to awareness to fact that it has a writing program “ ese students never took a the world’s personal information, ough MIT administrators was similarly moved. “ ese ac- be published in e New Yorker,” single one of their HASS classes the startup used machine learning have expressed deep sadness that cusations have made us take a essayist Mike Blom eld said in an seriously,” SHASS Dean Melissa to rank the population on attrac- one of the Institute’s premier lec- minute to re ect on the fact that interview with Bhe Tecc. “CMS is Gracefuls said in a statement to the tiveness. “We’re very excited to use turers, renowned author Junot such behavior can happen any- full of heavyweights like me, wait- press. “If they had, we wouldn’t be Díaz, has been accused by mul- where, even in a TOP TEN NA- ing to have our stories told.” in this situation right now.” Doom, Page 2 tiple of women of sexual harass- TIONALLY-RANKED WRITING Not everyone has been able ment, many are seeing it as an PROGRAM. You’re publishing to turn negatives into positives, opportunity to raise awareness that, right?” Reif wrote in an email however. Former tech CEO and about an important issue: the fact to Bhe Tecc. future commencement speaker that MIT actually has a writing In response to Díaz’s alleged Carly Fiorina voiced disgust with IN SHORT is planned on registration day. program. misconduct, MIT is launching a MIT’s actions, saying the school You have until  p.m. May  “It’s really a travesty that such nationwide campaign to increase seems to be taking advantage of to move out of this dimension. The Tech Shuttle will be replaced a respected individual could in recognition of and matriculations the situation. Remember to close the windows, by the Cat Bus starting next fall reality be so vile,” Joanna S. Mur- into its writing program. A lifelong advocate for women, turn o the lights, and pray for the  ose with allergies are encour- dock, head of the Department of Authors in the CMS depart- Fiorina told Bhe Tecc, “MIT is tak- best.  ere will be no summer aged to take the Hairless Cat Bus. Comparative Media Studies/Writ- ment expressed hope that the ac- ing these actions without thinking storage. ing, said in an interview with Bhe cusations, which made interna- of the women involved, speci cal- Bhe Tecc is looking for gossip Tecc. “Our only hope is that some tional headlines, will be a wake-up ly the women which its humani- There will be a soul-drive in La bloggers, free verse poets, and an- good will coming out of it, namely, call to people who have never giv- ties advocacy will inevitably turn Sala de Puerto Rico May . cient philosophers. people realizing that our writing en their literary accomplishments away from pro table careers as department exists.” the voice they deserve. “MeToo? minions at my software company.” Pre-registration has been can- Send news and tips to tbeaver@ MIT President Rafael L. Reif Yeah, like MeToo, I also want to Missy Riter celled. A Battle Royale for classes mit.edu.

UNION OF UA AND THE NEXT VIRAL VIDEO SLEEP TOILETRY NOBEL SAGAS Opinion ...... 4 Lecturer recordings capture widespread It’s very important. GSC PRIZE CREATED Arts ...... 5 fame. ARTS, p. 22/7 PHOTO, p. 7 Efficiency calls for Hygiene is recog- Photo Spread . . . . .7 reorganization and FREE FOOD GUIDE nized as an impor- Campus Life . . . . .8 removal of officers. tant field of science. Science ...... 10 NEWS, p. 13 For when you need a snack. SCIENCE, p. 999 Fun Pages ...... 11 CAMPUS LIFE, p. 0 B T T , M , 

WEATHER 130°W 125°W 120°W 115°W 110°W 105°W 100°W 95°W 90°W 85°W 80°W 75°W 70°W 65°W 60°W Yikes 40°N By Panic Before the Storm And don’t think the New Eng- EEK land states will escape unscathed. Right after the tornado  nishes We’re fucked. Phoenix is fucking over the Great Plains, it’s 35°N fucked. Santa Fe is fucked. Albu- coming for us binches. So, New querque is fucked. Amarillo is Haven is fucked. Torrington is fucked. Oklahoma City is fucked. fucked. Philadelphia is already Tulsa is especially fucked. Wichita fucked so how much damage is fucked. Lawrence is fucked. To- can this storm do, really? Albany peka is fucked. Dorothy is fucked is fucked. Saratoga Springs is 30°N and will not get home. Kansas fucked. New York City will be  ne. City is fucked. St. Louis is fucked. Providence is fucked. Kennebunk Spring eld is fucked. Chicago is is fucked. Manchester is fucked. fucked. Urbana and Champaign Wow it’s really hard to think of are jointly fucked. Indianapolis city names. Somerville is fucked. 25°N is fucked. I have no fucking idea Brookline is fucked. Lexington what the fuck is going on in any and Concord will be even more of my fucking classes and so I am fucked than during the fucking fucked. e whole fucking state of American Revolution. TORNADO Ohio is fucked. A little bit of Mich- But don’t worry,  nals will be igan is fucked, but not a lot. held as usual.

Situation for Noon Eastern Time, Thursday, May 17, 2018 Extended Forecast Today: Some weather. High 6.28318°F (tau°C). Weather Systems Weather Fronts Precipitation Symbols Other Symbols Snow Rain Fog Tonight: Some weather. Low 2.71828°F (e°C). High Pressure Trough Showers Thunderstorm Tomorrow: Some weather. High 1.618°F (phi°C). Warm Front Light Tomorrow night: Hmm probably no weather. Low 0°F (0°C). Low Pressure Haze Cold Front Saturday: Some weather. High 404NotFound°F (i°C). Moderate Compiled by MIT Hurricane Meteorology Staff Stationary Front Heavy Saturday night: Some weather. Low 1.414°F (sqrt°C). and Bhe Tecc New Course GIRs will make women go into tech

Sellout, from Page 1 up,” said Chandrakakasasan. the decision, saying, “MIT is look- our goal of more women in tech.” now pulls in more than  percent e HASS distribution require- ing towards the future. Everyone Course  junior Willy Woowoo of research funding to MIT and em- skills, according to the report the ment will be replaced with a Course knows the only jobs that will be ’ also applauded the news, say- ploys two out of every three MIT committee released. “No other  eld  distribution requirement. Stu- available to future college grads will ing it would simplify the curricu- faculty members, has been growing is so widely used across all subjects.” dents will have to take one subject be software engineering and data lum for a lot of MIT students. “I’m steadily for decades. “But computational thinking from each of three categories: Ar- science.” just upset that they didn’t make this President L. Rafafael Reifeif is is not just programming. It’s really ti cial Intelligence and Machine She added that the new curricu- change three years ago. I could have expected to announce next week learning how to think like a com- Learning, Virtual and Augmented lum was a “signi cant step” towards been done with my degree by now the creation of a School of Comput- puter. Computers already know Reality, and Cloud Computing. the goal of increasing the number and making six  gures as a software er Science, and all the other schools how to think better than people in a Commencement speaker and of women in tech. “If we make more engineer at Google.” except for the Sloan School of Man- lot of areas, so now we have to catch tech CEO Elizabeth Holmes lauded women go into tech, we can achieve e EECS department, which agement will be axed. Student actually couldn’t have World domination run formal better than class needs no humanities DOOM, from Page 1 quences of their actions.” council In response to this calamity, our ranking to improve the aver- MIT’s humanities departments col- Logistics researcher: haters gonna hate, but at least they don’t age attractiveness of the world’s lectively called for more HASS re- population.” quirements. In a statement made have the money or the connections to throw a good party Unfortunately, due to the im- to Bhe Tecc via email, they said, “If pending  nals, the short-lived em- these deranged students had taken By Salty Hardworker the formal himself, he would vided a subpar experience. pire collapsed due to negligence. In any of our classes, they would have CAN WRITE THIS BETTER THAN YOU have absolutely done a worse “I’ve been to a few of his room the wake of this collapse, the vast known the disastrous e ects of col- job than the class council did, parties. ey’re pretty fun. Class majority of uncommitted funds lapsing the world’s economy. It’s An MIT student made a total and was thereby in no position to formal, though, I don’t think he’d “vanished” according to experts, re- not just some play toy!” e profes- doofus of himself Saturday by crit- make the criticism. be able to pull that o alone. I sulting in the economic collapse of sors continued, claiming, “If it were icizing the way his class council “Given that he’s an individual don’t think anyone would,” Ny- the global economy. required for students to go to one planned its yearly formal, when student with no money or con- berg’s friend Josh Troiano ’ told In an interview, the students of our annual ethics forums, they really there was no way he could nections, there’s just no way he’d Bhe Tecc, con rming Nyberg’s running the startup confessed to could’ve seen the immorality of have done a better job himself. have been able to plan a gather- thorough inadequacy at large- never actually having taken a hu- their actions.” Sven Nyberg ’ took to Face- ing for hundreds of people more scale event hosting and all but manities class and were wholly un- Other researchers expressed book shortly after the formal, adequately than a student gov- verifying the claim that Nyberg apologetic for the disaster, saying, dissenting opinions, however. e calling it “not worth the hype, ernment organization with the had no place making the Face- “there are no bad guys, no good economics department was very … a poorly-run sham,” and not- events budget and institutional book post. guys, just business. We made a f*ck excited about the in ux of collapse ing that the food was sparse and memory needed to throw such af- “ is kid must not be aware ton of money, and had fun doing it. data. “ ere is so much new infor- bland, the decor tacky, and the fairs,” logistics researcher Harold that the class council actually put Now if you’ll excuse us, we have a mation here,” they said in a public music what you’d expect from a Crudo said in an interview with a lot of e ort into the event,” rhet- . lab to  nish.” statement, “we’ve never had any- mixtape someone hands you on e Tecc. oric lecturer Shalane Goldwasser e students are reportedly all thing this extreme happen on these the street. Other sources con rmed that PhD ’ added. “He forgot the concentrating in economics. scales, and it’s very exciting to see “Class Council really dropped the haughty, ignorant Nyberg number one rule of persuasive “Economics is the concentra- what new models we can come up the ball here,” Nyberg wrote. “If would have utterly failed to ac- writing: ‘if people put a lot of ef- tion you choose so that you don’t with to account for this.” I’d wanted to more pleasantly cumulate the resources needed fort into something, you’re not al- have to do any reading or writing. Erik Demaine declined to com- knock four hours o my life, I’d to put on his own superior for- lowed to criticize it!’” You just do more math,” said Jamma ment as to the nature and progress have smoked half a cigarette.” mal, giving him no right to point As of press time, e Tecc has Maruna (Course L). “Economics of his now-overfunded research. What Nyberg in his foolish ar- out that, in his opinion, the class been unable to  nd any other stu- are not real humanities. Students At press time, the students were rogance failed to realize is that council severely misrepresented dents who were able to get tickets don’t learn to empathize with oth- shirking the readings for their given the opportunity to put on the quality of the event and pro- to the formal. er people, or evaluate the conse- CI-H classes. T , M ,  B T  ML dorm sorting knows all,  nds your perfect match

ML, from Page 1 ey asked about the subjects’ Riot Grrl ’, expressed con- will be used for the Class of . ministration has taken into account dorms and how happy they were cerns about the new diversity quo- Naive Bella ’, a prefrosh who our recommendations on automat- tion, Myers-Briggs type, Freudian with their choice every hour. Un- ta. “I’m unhappy that AlphaGo is heard about the new program dur- ing individual selection of optimum  xation stage, and zodiac to ensure fortunately, two of the students got making McCormick a co-ed dorm. ing Campus Preview Weekend, social spaces,” Ima Innovator ’, that all of the dorms are represen- infections in their implants, one of I’m organizing a protest on Insta- commented in an email to Bhe chair of the UA Innovation Com- tative of MIT. For example, Alpha- which was fatal. According to the gram, and I have a GoFundMe. Our Tecc, “I sold my soul to get into MIT, mittee, said in an interview with Go said in its interview with Bhe coroner’s report, the cause of death goal is  million, the combined so unfortunately I no longer have Bhe Tecc. AlphaGo has also pub- Tecc that those who want to rebel was bacterial meningitis. cost of my tuition and the sleep that the capacity to have an opinion.” lished statistics on which dorm cul- and have an anal-expulsive  xation e student testimonials have I’ve lost,” she said in an interview In addition, the data collected ture correlate with what personality have consistently been shown to do been unanimously stellar. Sad Boi with Bhe Tecc. about students’ personality and traits. best in East Campus. ’ said in an interview with Bhe No Comment ’, after being abilities will be used to sort them At the moment, cultures in e project employed ten to- Tecc, “I wish MIT had had this sys- hunted down by three email-happy into majors, eliminating the need FSILGs (Fraternities, Sororities, and tally hosed MIT students, who had tem in place when I was an incom- reporters with pitchforks, refused for freshman advising. In an in- Independent Living Groups) are too electrodes inserted in their brain ing freshman. I’ve lived in Maseeh to make a comment. terview with Bhe Tecc, Ima Admin complex to be integrated into this and were under constant surveil- all four years because I thought I Not-so-excited Frosh ’ said, “I said, “ e new housing system will year’s iteration. All students living lance. e students were paid in had no personality. e algorithm don’t believe in dorm culture.” reduce the UAAP’s budget by  in an FSILG are required to move to sleep. e team used the data in told me I should have lived in Se- e new housing system is be- percent.” the orientation tents on Kresge. order to build the neural network. nior House.” ing implemented this summer and “We are honored that the ad- MIT announces exchange program with Wakanda Initiatives include vibranium technology research

By Wakanda Forever “I’m excited to join MIT’s top- currently completing her Master ranked program, and I can’t wait to of Science in Mechanical Engi- President L. Rafael Reif of MIT learn how American city planning neering; she hopes to incorporate and King T’Challa of Wakanda di ers from practices in Wakanda,” vibranium research into her PhD signed an agreement to establish Nakia said. According to four un- project. an exchange program, MIT an- named Wakandan sources, Nakia “I’m so happy to work nounced yesterday. is expected to become Wakanda’s with Shuri,” said Hartwell, Called the Erik Stevens Initia- ambassador to the United Nations whose current research fo- tive (ESI) after the deceased MIT upon completion of the program. cuses on shape memory alloys. alumnus and Wakandan royal In addition to her research du- “WakandaForever!” family member, the program is ties and work with the consulate, Ten MIT students will travel to part of King T’Challa’s e orts to Nakia will be leading a team to Wakanda in February , where bring Wakanda out of isolation design and build a second Wakan- they will complete a four-month and towards greater engagement dan outreach center at a yet-to- course on Wakandan technology, with the rest of the world. be-chosen location in the Boston history, and culture. Competition Some at MIT are already using area. e  rst center is currently for those  ESI spots is known to the uno cial name EKI, in refer- under construction in Oakland, be  erce, with at least  applica- ence to Stevens’ nickname “Kill- California. tions received to date. All applica- monger.” In Wakanda, the program Shuri, who currently leads the tions are due by June , . is dubbed the N’Jadaka Initiative, Wakandan Design Group, will While Reif and T’Challa are ad- referencing Stevens’ Wakandan also be coming to MIT in Septem- amant that any vibranium research name. ber. She will be working with the done at MIT will be for peaceful Eight Wakandans will partici- Department of Materials Science purposes only, others have noted pate in the  rst ESI class, which and Engineering, heading a four- vibranium’s military potential. will arrive at MIT in September month study to evaluate the capa- Uncon rmed rumors suggest that . Nakia, head of the newly bilities of existing MIT facilities for Wakanda is in talks with Lincoln opened Wakandan consulate in vibranium research. Labs to supply an unknown quan- Boston and a longtime advocate Shuri will be hosted by cur- tity of vibranium, possibly for mili- for the exchange program, will be rent MIT graduate student Ashley tary applications. A Lincoln Labs joining MIT’s Department of Ur- Hartwell, who will also be joining spokesperson did not respond for ban Studies & Planning. Shuri’s research team. Hartwell is a request for comment. OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION T B  oiarx ’21; Dominatrix Theater 5thDimensional Imp ’19, Protagonists: DM’s: Who’s First? No On One. Dash ’20, Applejack ’21. ’21; Moffat ’21,Steven ’18,Craig G,Oswin I.M.Forman ’19;Whovians: Sheldon Cooper Trekkies: ProLong Communism Quote Here ’21. Capitalism ’19, Fuck theSystem ’20, Really Insert ’21,Chains of ’21;Proletariat: ’20,MRX Means o’ Production ’19,Reedy Stribute UBI Equalizers: ’18; DNE Leader: Supreme ’21, .Complain ’21; Vogue ’21; Fashionista: ’20,I.Am.Plus Ecoalf Bourgeoisie: Objects ’21. ’21,IRan Out ofSpace Related Not anAlien MiscellaneousComets ’19, Definitely Debris ’20, Moon ’18,Telescopes: Asteroids ’18, Planets ’19, ’21; Huntzberger ’21,Logan Gilmore Rory McMaster ’18, Glenn Babble ’19, Paris Geller ’21, Weierstrass ’21; Responsible Friend ’21, Sans DiYa ’21, IHate Karl ’21,The Star Crossed Gazer Binoculars: Stout Halfling Soldier ’21. High Entertainer ’21, Elf Tiefling Charlatan ’20, ’20, ’20,Rock Hermit Gnome Guild Artisan ’19,Half-Orc ’18,High Folk Elf Hero Charlatan tions? Comments? Email [email protected]. Cambridge, Mass. 02139-7029. Entire contents ©2018Bhe Tech. Ques- address changes to our Bhe mailing Tech, address: P.O. 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Teachers out with Tea of episode New EDITOR THE TO LETTER [email protected]. don’t hesitateplease to reach out to us at p.m. growingchildhood upinVenezuela! of MIT, hisfondness forpartying, andhis fael Reif. Ra- President sat MIT we week, down with L. watch ofTea thenext episode Teachers! with about our latest ofTea episode Teachers! with ing, but thought we you would like to hear has hard been are andthepsets never end- you health. ingood We know thesemester holes to jail for FUCKING LIFE! Youholes to jail LIFE! forFUCKING think ass-Uber those ingblind. Send people guring out newways to rob hard work- Jobs, Je Bezos wannabe motherfuckers, Self-styled ofthe future. pioneers Steve labor iPhones! Fuck theentrepreneurs. theirchests out.with slave Chinese Selling down Amherst Street Oxfords intheirdirty the black-suited Sloanies, strolling upand modernist trash to fucking Dubai! Fuck and splinin’ andcryin’. Take your post- glasses, cu prettyed-jean boys. Designin’ sters sitting incafés, sipping tea inlittle the architects inBuilding . Bland hip- a ord afucking location? indoor Fuck board. Ten years oncampus, still can’t salads and dumplings wrapped in card- boxes ofoverpriced bulgogi anditswarm rooms. Fuck theKorean its with truck food gling their dicks at each other in my locker inmyriver Charles undermy bridge, jin- and pumped-up biceps. downthe Going Fuck theBaker boys theirspiky with hair ing training. SLOW DOWN! THEFUCK ing upmy day. Lifelongvirgins infuck- sweat steaming out their pores and stink- down theIn Reeboks,nite intheircrusty andthetryhardsthe dweebs bombing roofs andtunnels afucking -get Fuck job! and mural uptheclean dirtying artists at my mebehind back. 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Electronic submissions are discouraged, but if of theprimate, that notnecessarily ofthecollectiveprimate are by written individual monkeys and represent the opinion board whoprobabilistically opinion. acontradictory type trained typewriters. monkeys with bywritten board, theeditorial which consists ofour army of OPINION POLICY OPINION Letters, columns, must andcartoons theauthors’ bear Letters to the editor,Letters to the and columns, Dissents areEditorials theo cial opinionofBhe Tecc.  areey Fuck thisFuck whole in Institute it and everyone are theopinionsofsignedmembers oftheeditorial Fuck me? Fuck you me? Fuck Fuck [email protected]. Hard copy are inhumane bc-talk He o gets easy! Afew niceemails every cation. Andwhileyou’re at it, fuck Reif! our taxes onforeign wars instead ofedu- ernment that theirco feeds ers, spending innocent children’s pockets. Fuck thegov- whostick theirhands down cial Services betray Fuck our trust! theStudent Finan- standing onagreat domeofbullshit. You shutdowns andtheirfake compassion, theirdormthe self-serving adminswith ve years ago. Move thefuck on!Fuck ontherefs.everything Travel team ended wantthen they to turn around andblame lay-up to thehoop.ve steps onevery And don’twantthey to play defense, take they basketball team.  never pass ey theball, Fucknot fooling anybody, sweetheart! the they’re allcoked uponaTuesday. You’re wanna act like oppression’s thereason Williamsburg identities. Whiny ingrates their pastel and their importedgoth with for “Rent.” Fuck theEast Campus rebels ing theirplastic swords, to audition trying cara, Play theirScottish bullshit, swing- their a accents,ected mas- theirdripping Fuckgood. theNext House thespians with ers, ‘cause make they thefrat boys look ontheBomb- don’t evenmestarted get agenda, fuckin’ worst DJs And inthecity. a van rush, during swelling uptheTitle IX Damore! Fuck thefrat brothers. Twenty to ment shit? Give me a fucking break! James! Kalanick didn’tknow about that harrass- dusty space under their dorm beds.dusty space undertheirdorm noblebeasts inthehumid,keep these hardly fare any better. Many students But servers keep theirownservers. these failto keep pace.they lives andare(short) discarded as assoon other.  work ey fortheentirety oftheir turn around in,stacked ontop ofeach locked inafreezing can space they barely deathcamp. aserver IS&T runs It more wouldbe accurate to say that MIT generous,too andborderline misleading. call MIT’s collectivea“farm” server isfar sions andwhat Ifound appalled me. To I was quickly disenchanted illu- ofthese entering autopia ofhumane technology. Factory server farms farms Factory server editorial cartoons cartoons editorial bcc’ed pumpkin spice tea for to alldorms; —TwT Team Instagram (http://bit.ly/insta_TwT) Outside mills, ofthese many students spendtheirentireMost servers lives at MIT, Iarrived When Ithought Iwas EDITORIAL Cyril , Dorm Spammer ,Dorm Cyril TO REACH US REACH TO are by written Tecc “guest column.” “sta Columns with below thebyline columnist” of thelocal zoo andthelocal animal shelter andare with tagged Tecc account. forget to review! Don’t Your reviews give melife. Bhe mayand cartoons onBhe posted be Tecc also Fan ’s ction.net property ofBhe Tecc returned. notbe , andwill Letters, columns, submitted, allletters Once become givenbe higher priority. our lackluster content that noonefucking reads anyway. continue at to be thisInstitute long enough to keep delivering whether we’re going to pass enough classes toable be to column, James from Cambridge. What docare we about is made on Page a typo  in the third paragraph of the seventh literallylife orlivelihood onit, depends don’tcare we ifwe reallywe don’thave timeforyour shitright now. Unless your Please don’t. We’re to study forour trying nal examsand Guest columns are columns submitted by opinionarticles membersGuest makes nocommitment to publish alltheletters received. sta monkeys. rat-infested place. waters andsubmerge thiswholebrass rise let itburn to fucking ashandthenletthe it, crumble earthquake letthe res rage, ZBT way thefuck out inBrookline. an Let late inKendall to City theconstruction to towers ofStata. From inChoco- thebricks fromAlley, theterraces ofRandom to the Back Bay housesonAmherst to thedorm init. Fromand everyone thefrat housesof fucking here. born Fuck thiswholeschool mycheering Sox andmy Pats asifyou were networking recruiters, startup with and ting your behind screen sipping onboba, dear reader, your with endless p-sets, sit- staband they meintheback. 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But silly How - we re and together, $15 were the tickets spectfully left the venue. not it’s but Lit AF, was the event me that told whether or not I for sure say really I can like bring only I can it. enjoyed really would have Committee’s Events the UA respect to myself and event an amazing such effortto organize a questionable invite to their ability respect of artistchoice come and perform to for us. to much in work so putting for you Thank a good we week had up to leading sure make if I see year a go next I’ll Maybe $pringFE$T. bat. off the recognize I actually name - for maxi simple designs your “Keep design, text lines of with the to eight Six effect. mum will possible size help with font leg- largest of therest Thesewill do the screens ibility.” effective and lines bold yet Simple work. lec don’t blend togevther make that colors advertisements go beyond their cultural ture limit: behold every to a masterpiece they are the Institute. at day - - - - - JIANG WEN—BHE TECC WEN—BHE JIANG For Wednesday, the UA Events Commitee Events the UA Wednesday, For Interested in helping this art project con- this art in helping project Interested while annoyingly yelling into a microphone a microphone into yelling while annoyingly inter duringparts wants one no song the of I did happen however, one point, rupted. At when the food trucks were Kresge by pass to and the food promis options looked around rather was I However, tacos and waffles. ing: I which rushing from a meeting to urgently not be absent. could absolutely and Comedy. Cheesecake Consider hosted we I assumed in 10–250, was the location ing group improv local lovely our had probably perform. Bucket) Killer RKB (Rambunctious He’s actually. group, in that roommate’s My and jokes skills his improv practicing always gets lost the humor Sometimes, room. in our some he hits real other times, but on me, improv that reminded I’m and goodgems, induce fits of to the power does have really unfortu I was - Anyways, and LOL’s. ROFL’s will be torn violently off the wall, new wall, new post will off the be violently torn or may and paper willers their place, take waste as paper not be recycled. Watch may tutors, language tours, lab due to increases lec concerts, a cappella concerts, orchestra room. opened and the newly banana tures, recommends site The MITCopytech tinue? a or faculty submitting groups student to - - For Monday, the event planned was the event Monday, For For Tuesday, we were graced with DJ graced we were Tuesday, For If the television screens aren’t enough, enough, aren’t screens If the television Find Waldo. events, I found myself becoming quite becoming quite myself I found events, was sure as I was for $pringFE$T, excited pleasing for this aesthetically the intention propaganda. took on which place & $nacks, $wag called - in the afternoon. Unfortunate Lawn Kresge scheduled was event this when class had I ly, I great! was the food and swag I heard but were T-shirts mediocrely-designed assume with along some out given other useless ac cessories such as wristbands, hand sanitizer, sanitizer, hand cessories as wristbands, such The foodwas also probably and lip balm. wander a good still find for any but sub-par hungrying college student. busy myself found I Again, Trucks. Food & - fig but event, an appealing during such played probably He decent. the DJ was ured people their armsat flail some could music “not helpful” and “should not be used to and “should helpful” “not socially inept students.” already teach artwork change created student watch Institute-wide weekweek in the largest, by Colorfully boards. poster on our art project only created carefully are posters designed the week symbolize to after beto away torn posters of this life, mortality. day our On that - - By $am Bystander

By Thanos the Purple By

Luckily, the UA Events Committee Committee Events the UA Luckily, This year’s $pringFE$T garnered a lot of garnered $pringFE$T year’s This

The Infinite Corridor’s television television Corridor’s Infinite The Since the Infinite Corridor’s original Corridor’s the Infinite Since On exhibit forever InfinityWars TV Infinite Corridor was able to sweep away the skepticism the skepticism sweep to away able was to up leading events withhype their all they The posters usedspam to $pringFE$T. with halls were campus and our emails our events the hype designed, detailing nicely the cool dude Ty as well as showcasing the lineup of reading Dolla Upon $ign. hype and we have the UA Event Commitee’s Commitee’s Event the UA and we have hype Evident for that! thank to publicity excellent Dolla when I Googledly, shortly $ign af Ty received I result first the artistthe ter reveal, in 2010, video he did back somewas music Would skeptical. pretty I was so evidently, I chosenthe artist qualitythe content deliver be lit, his show hoped for? Would have might say? as the hip kids - art part of an ongoing proj are screens an provide campus, our ect beautify to with communicate to for students outlet student and encourage peers, their fellow students bombard to continue to groups This art project’s activities. with distracting cultural Institute’s the purpose reflect is to more body grows As the student zeitgeist. in the busier conservative, or more liberal this in the summer, semester or relaxed - appropri corridorchange this will reflect this in the of see an exemplar We ately. - comics of a ro breathtaking simplistic, sexually to consent teaching couple mantic reports A student MIT students. frustrated these are comics that MITon Confessions design in 1913, the not-so-infinite hallway hallway the not-so-infinite in 1913, design is a living, It with evolved the Institute. has - busi of movement, expression breathing that One argue could and craftwork. ness, misery, the breathe yet simply it should shinescorridor that be filled can light with infamousthe about talking not I’m through. but the MIThenge, at through shining sun Corridor the Infinite television from light when we the days Long gone are screens. be to entertained. Modern need sunlight us with thesetelevi- flattered technology has technology, blending science, screens, sion war between an infinite and artstudent into for ad space. compete to groups excellently designed poster. excellently Committee’s Events The UA

How $pringFE$T this year met our expectations $pringFE$T this year How It’s the most wonderful time of year the time most the It’s wonderful EVENT REVIEW EVENT

Infinite Corridor exhibit continues to be a hit this year this continues to be a hit exhibit Infinite Corridor infinity at your fingertips infinityyour at ARTEXHIBIT of magic the experience good: so yet bad So 2018 Thursday, May 17, 6

ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS Tecc Bhe You won’t believe thelineup theUA Events Committee hasplannedtoendthesemester finale unimaginable An PREVIEW FESTIVAL MUSIC Rating the styles ofhaircutsinEastCampus Rating thestyles dreams Neon-colored HAIRSTYLE REVIEW Killian Court standsattheready tobeadornedfor OneMusical World. isfied customers.isfied If you really want to make nation ofthehaircut sat via theirvery world resident, whoaspires to achieve total domi - face.on theiredgy are They styled by alocal don’t have thetimeinmorning to put It haircut isashorter meant who forthose And thatthe world. something istheirhair. East Camper whohas somethingto say to cuts, forthe style isperfect thisparticular the best ones: is that thebleach? Here are my thoughts on only afewthat Or wouldstain my memory. imagination, allmortal scended there were innumerable hair with that people tran- setters ofour generation. there While were as a waydorm to hunt down all the trend- dye known asgenetics.all powerful vain, forthe marker could notpenetrate the the colorto abright yellow. But itwas allin grabbed ahighlighter to attempt to restore black. Ifyou’reitary like me, you wouldhave my hair shade was aboring ofheredmirror: - ized what Ilacked asIgazed into deep my until Tuesday after office hours that I real- and that I’ll never wake up again. It wasn’t intrinsic to me as an East Campus citizen, Therebed. thatsense isa I’vesomething lost their upcoming campus-wide event, involv impossiblecomplish with the wonderfully previous events, have they promised to ac lackluster choices for up forthealleged artist like any has In MIT ever seen. order to make Musicalfor One World, amusic festival un- contacted The Ben The similar Cut: Eerily to theBob Frustrated, to Itook thehalls ofmy I often lay awake at nights, turning inmy 1867–present Technologyof Institute Massachusetts Campus East Early theUA last week, Events Committee Bhe Tecc and revealed their plans By Nate Lopez By Rick T. Roll - - - haircuts. In exchange forgreater mobil- social that is not MIT. It one of the more is also tame most prominent fashion statement anywhere hairstyle, onemay so only assume that itisthe at all.Freshmen are this with typically seen markable about itisthat it’s notremarkable any group.virtually social Theonly thing re- provides theability to fitinto with itsuser your desires. tangled heart Samsara, vengeful ofMIT. spirit Orwhatever The transfigure andit’ll Carpet you into Unsure of what you’ll Simply be? activate abuilt-incomes with Halloween costume. from psetting toher. play with bridge It even that notallofuscan spendanight away advances ofJanet, to understand whoneeds can defend yourself also against the horrid of your dreams your with shaggy locks, you for-one deal.you’re While theman wooing two- asa yet functional, The serves Carpet ting your hair like styled this. Fashionable like ahaircut? to get You after get won’t under hishelmet. a single green strand ofhair fluttered from intopoo theirhands. Ashewaved goodbye, the pilot dropped a bottle of purple sham- After dropping them off at the nearest shore, howseeing donetheirgalaxy well dye was. island fromon a deserted milesaway after marked how anairplane oncespotted them resident EC One aswell. initself beacon re- asaunique It edgy. themselves serves also tinguish you from any that sheeple dares call resident. andvibrant, Bold dis thisstyle will beared by any self-respecting East Campus introductions. It isthecoat that ofarms are definitely the waygo. to a statement against The Ben Man, A Cut is ahitch.”without work to ensure that thefestival can function team has put inan“exceptional amount of sal power ofmusic.”One The Musical World “unite thestudent undertheuniver body ’18 expresses that hishopes theevent will Panic! at theDisco, andThe Weeknd. sively to Cardi notlimited Shawn B, Mendes, includinging alineupofartists but impres The Frosh : Abeginner’s style, TheFrosh you: Do rememberThe Carpet what it’s no for: Thisoneneeds Dye Theto One The festival’s lead planner Philip Adagio - - - - One student sporting “The OnetoDye for” look. of optionswhen you walk into East Campus. ofinactivity.scalp after afewweeks pus, TheFrosh onto itself the reasserts human by learned strictly any provider inEast Cam- and street cred inEast Campus. not While one mustity, sufferedginess theloss also of pyrotechnics at venues; alloftheplanned nating lighting, soundsystems, andeven a significant amount coordi ofeffort into - guest performers, theteam has put also in staging andseating to accommodate allthe sufficient upwith set be Killian will Court ensuring thatAlong with Kresge Lawn and head stage manager Musical for One World. tional nightmare,” commented Stu Cato ’20, As you can see, you have quite thearray “The logisticalwork anexcepbeen - has ANG LEE—BHE TECC ready to stick it to theman! an instantaneous four weeks, andyou’re sions inyour life inafewseconds. Just wait scissors, you can snip away- allthe bad deci that you’re making. With theaidofapair of style ifyou’re dissatisfiedwith the statement Furthermore, you can always redo your hair forthcoming. to lifenext Saturday. oughly their hard excited to see work come a blissful escape from reality andare thor thathopes can they provide allattendees event. ’19, Adagio’s andco-producer friend forthe away theirtroubles,” notes Luke Hoven B. the year to sing, dance, orjust plain flail nals, students are invited to thisevent of relief remedy. After through struggling fi- festival ismeant onegigantic to be stress er long, hard academic year at MIT. “The World and to celebrate the endof anoth- mission to spread joy Musical via One inafestivalthemselves ofecstasy.” to lose forpeople harmonic wonderland together, can MIT transformed be into a standing what human; itisto be andthat mon ground offeeling human andunder power ofmusic provide will foracom- MusicalOne World. He “that hopes the of things he wantsriety to share through motion’s newroutine. Killian stage andhighlight- Latte MIT Loco to take herself Beyoncé theand Queen Bee serenade audiences ontheKresge stage, Ed Sheeran Algebaritones to andtheMIT mance groups. notable Some highlights: student andMIT said artists perfor hintedalso at thecollaboration between lineup, Musical theOne World team has into place.perfectly hard-pressedso to ensure fall allthepieces atform MIT, it’s theteam to see nosurprise to per thelineupofartists and considering Court Killian and Lawn Kresge 26 May @ MIT World Musical One Details aboutDetails how to enter thevenues Overall, Musical the One World team Adagio has emphasized especially his In planning thisevent, Adagio has ava- top oftheamazingOn guest artist Thursday, May 17, May Thursday, 2018 FENG XIAOGANG—BHE TECC FENG XIAOGANG—BHE - - - - - Thursday, May 17, 2018 Bhe Tecc 7

Sleeping Around 8

LIFE CAMPUS LIFE CAMPUS LIFE CAMPUS LIFE CAMPUS LIFE Campus Life CAMPUS LIFE Tecc Bhe 2. 1. the things that made our great: homeso I invite you all to reminisce me about with nior Haus lives oninour thespirit hearts, so nior House may thedorm gone, be - but Se joy inthiscold,coldplace called MIT.- Se my daily life, that brought mewarmth and ments that of the dorm became fixtures in coping thelittle without ele- struggle rious Haus, like Senior Earth andit’s- ase been event in my life. There was nowhere on my homehitharder than pretty much any administration’s down to close decision Get somezzz’s inbetweenclasseswithourguidetocampusnapping personality place best The nap to according toyour In bringingtogethersomany unique people,amazingthingswere boundtohappen miss about Senior Haus closed ayear it after Death aliving of space: all the things we still • tent andtheconstant going-ons oncampus. • • companies, visitors, prefrosh… in hisnatural habitat” to media, tourists, You love to represent student the “MIT ing pictures ofyou napping, even better! napping. seen be Ifthere are tourists tak do that, you nap inplaces where you can enforce awholenewnapping culture. To your personality! rated the best places to nap depending on suitable place ischallenging, we’ve so cu- for everyone,andfinding yourpersonal next pset. But napping just anywhere isn’t nitive powerhouse andhack through the ious hours oftheday to recharge your- cog yourself searching foraplace to nap at var deprivation,of sleep and you might find For whenyou gettiredoffreebodydiagramsandneed arealbody position Tell us your major and we’ll give you a sex ting with thatting with big O face. Afterwards, you up allnight, pushing before finally commit structure! all blackand wear whileyou’re at it. blueprints beforehand. Embrace aesthetic hot,get and hammered. artistic, hands, handy some work. you should try leave inthemorning. you crying becauseposition it’s easy and won’t

The thingwedidalotwhere we’d get a full ofCheetos. You had there, to be y’all! becauseeven thetoilets were pee always you woke up. Half thetimeIcouldn’t morning when out ofyour eyes every ing in the air, having the crumbs to rub carpet. Ahaze dust offine Cheeto float into crunching Cheetos stepped, the onthedresser.Cheetos Everywhere you Every room you went into, abowl of PuffsCheetos everywhere, holy shit! As aHaus resident forthree years, the fessor canfessor acknowledge your atten- First row ofthelecture where thepro- You’re afraid to miss out on lecture con- FOMOThe min Dandpossibly atan day give you itwill afree ofvita- dose The steps of Building 7—ona sunny Killian Court You don’tjust want to nap; you want to Exhibitionist The portion a good atLife comes with MIT One that 6:One requiresCourse you to stay 5:Model itafter yourCourse favorite 4:You’reCourse kinky, so you draw inspired 3:Be byCourse theglass lab: 2: Since you are yourCourse with good astatically determinate 1: Try Course GENERIC TECH EXECUTIVE EDITOR EXECUTIVE TECH GENERIC By Satoshi Nakamoto By TeccSexxpert By Sleepy Head STAFF OR SOMETHING OR STAFF ™ - - - - 4. 3. • • when possible. and you like to make yourself comfortable catch uponthat lack iswelcome, ofsleep social time, any place andyou don’tcare for • • and safe environment. and snoring. You require a quiet, secluded one day, media sleeping on social drooling you donotwant to findpictures of you napping private thing state and isavery • er orJane Jacobs. tom up, depending if you Corbusi value- Le and transport processes. lab class.both involve They lots of fluid flow limitations. do any imaginable position —nobodily have inyour sex mindandtherefore can Tunnel to theclassically forbidden region. partner Complete aPunnett square your with throughoutterial campus. Dihybrid cross. catch abug.

hemorrhoid pads.hemorrhoid itwas, So like, this whole thing inunused Tucks medicated just becauseShrine we covered the That one thatroom was the Tucks pretty :) well could it,we shoot but covered we it up on instead andthat aguy killed before fucked usaKomodo upandsend drag- frat housecourse bibles. time they One and roast itover afire with stolen made a katanait with in baby dipped lotion, kangaroo onthedark web, slaughter roo Roast, where we’d buy alive adult Haus residents wouldhave Kanga- up over Steer Roast but theultra-hip allworked toAll theoutsidersget used it. to get few ofthemseemed tion was lost onmost ofthecats, but a the significance ofthetransubstantia- go. It back, was cute! Looking so I think theothers could so haveian services a spoke Latin, butwe’d sometimes doItal- because hewaspriest theonly onewho stuff. Usually Smokey be the had to tar boys and Eucharistic ministers and theal- andtheothers be thepriest be an entire Catholic mass, like have one few ofthecats andhave themactout Z-center: those stretching those matsZ-center: are to wake you whenthebus arrives) minutes (don’t forget to ask someone low) and curlforafew uponthefloor cide to just down your set bag (asapil- waitingWhile forthebus, you can de- You can nap literally anywhere, any- The Hardcore Napper Hayden library all thebananas Compton Room 26-110, theroom with You are a private You-in-your- person. Secluded Napper The sonal lullaby professor’s asyour per voice can serve thehumming so body, fessors ofyour Even better, sloth-like around thepro- feign awakeness inthiscase) sleeping maskommend aparticular to way into your rec subconscious (we dance andclass content can findits Course 11:Course You can dotop downorbot 10:Course isyour asifsex grindin’ Try 9:YouCourse are because special you the three-body 8:Solve problem.Course 7:Distributeyour ma genetic - Course c onventions. to Any opportunity - - - 5. 6. 8. 7. • • • sonal invitation. Personnelsigns as yourrized Only” per Area,”stricted Not “Do Enter,” and“Autho- and around campus andyou perceive “Re- • • Ew, gross! onthat thebooger seat.ously” sofa wipe that kid pick and“inconspicu- hisnose literally andyou everywhere totally saw people’s germs. You that aresee germs • have it. to experience sition: you can think about it, never but will ple, we’ll so letyou choose. freefeel alittle to get astro-naughty. moving before parts takeoff, however. And the milehigh club! Remember to check the discussing equitable favors. aroundget to itbecause you were busy too it? Like arock. rocks your Makes world. you hard, doesn’t

immediately leave. to silently one pad, lick choose it, and could inthere go any timebut you had rhoid pads. It was pretty mystical, you totally white room made out ofhemor sounded exactly likesounded David Schwimmer. your voice came out theotherexcept it cream whenyou so spoke inonehorn sourmouthpieceswith andfilling them by tubas at together welding two the That thing that some oldcruft made blew all his money gamblingblew all his money and start catcherformer fortheBostonRed Sox, couldWho forget whenJason Varitek, back to thecommunity! the lung cancer. It feltawesome giving citizens of MIT, would take the brunt of residents, unwitting andnotthepoor release itsafely into thehalls that so our the jarsthen bring Haus to Senior and blow theirsmoke into mason jars and smoke, had we cigarette around users order to save from people secondhand The outreach programwe ran where, in what crazy shitwent onat those! Arizona were knows allowedin.Who threw where from only people Flagstaff, Flagstaff Fridays,we wild parties the The Picower Institute lobby saywe more? great abreeze, viewwith sunny… need Roof dome—iconic, top oftheMIT Basement ofbuilding 9 You know your way in,under, through The Hacker coat even inthesummer. nearbysofa —thisiswhy you a long wear yourself andnap onthecleanest or bench compromise, you wrap your coat around circumstancesWhen call you upon to control thegermiome ideally your room, be dorm where you The preferred nappingwould place You don’tlike like sleeping inother Homebody The floating ringspool, The ononeofthose surebe to stay clear ofthetreadmill letyouchine will sit back but andrelax, doze offin child’s cyclingpose. The ma- great to doyour “yoga stretches” and Course 19:Course Might involve ropes. 18:Course You’ll like the theoretical- po 17:Course You know how to screw- peo 16:Course The sky’s the limit! You’re in 15:Course Top. Probably ahooker. with 14:Course It’s unfortunate. You never 12:Course Thatposition that one—the - - - hardk0r3 everywhere. other people, ofthe live oninthehearts will it means that okay itissometimes to kill Hausmortal motto, which asIunderstand Sport death, only lifecan kill you: theim- a place ofjoy, wonder, and imagination. oftheuniverse,was alocalized perfection could it never any get drugs. Otherwise, The only lame thing about it was that you many intelligent, creative, amazing people. itwas ahomme.haus: For meandforso its absence. Haus Senior was more than a ofmourning should in a sense we allfeel HausSenior were to thiscampus, andwhat the traditions, culture, andcommunity of alize ifyou hadn’t already how important is probably ashared space. place.) notmark Do it your sleeping area; didn’t know itwas your favorite sleeping engage inviolent behavior. probably (They en by else. someone courteous. Be not Do find that your napping place tak been has ing hours some oftheday. You may just places are more popular than others dur eye can distressing, be too. napping Some ing andready to fight fortheirdecent shut- ajungle.be roam people deprived Sleep - ing foranapping place • mayworld have changed completely. you fellasleep, you might wake up, andthe up in your email inbox!) You think that if a fewhours that somehow show doesn’t might have sent out anassignment due in unpredictable!seems Andyour professor ready.to be (The current administration In case somethingbad happens, you want stressful, andyou are afraid to miss out. night, theday… orduring lifeisjust so • short. notto blow up.try We know your half-life is you.with That’s okay. In themeantime, just til you who someone wants find to have sex you keep telling yourself 30more years un- later. youyour so canabout memories write them movements.will surely This encapsulate upthemoment slow,and soak with gentle position. daily sex any chickyou’ll by mag’s pleased be trying tions, andye shall receive responses. side ho, attention. some Ask ques deserve Hopefully after reading this list, you re- of gingivitis. dream,ever thefirst toperson die be of ussay he’s still out there chasing his fordays.warning grieved andwe Some gentler than lust, until heleftwithout something stronger than yearning yet our forhimgrew affection soon into At weird, firstout kinda it started but my with could homies, “vibe ya diggy”? squattinged Haus inSenior that so he When itcomestoWhen napping, campus can Overall things to consider when look when to consider things Overall training.ety anti-stressmend some - andanti-anxi You are out of luck. But do recom we - You don’tsleep, whetherat home, at The Insomniac Management The lounge area ofSchool of the Sloan Course 24: You,Course always thepassionate 22:Hey there,Course buddy. We know 21:Course Lewis Put Leona onsome by trendy Seduced 20: things,Course Thursday, May 17, May Thursday, 2018 - - - - 9 CAMPUS LIFE CAMPUS LIFE CAMPUS LIFE CAMPUS LIFE CAMPUS LIFE CAMPUS LIFE CAMPUS LIFE BheTecc COURTESY OF WILLIE STROKER OF COURTESY But that’s not really the point here. You You here. the point not really that’s But … … … about? we talking were What Oh right. reached of this the end nally fi You’ve article. 420 days later. After not much longer than than longer not much After later. 420 days again. begins e elevator Th later. ??? days close a to and doors draw elevator e Th less care I couldn’t jubilant. out, I walk Would you rather be you rather born with an el- Would people trunk that slap — I can Elephant use you rather eye drops made Would toilet been using haven’t I actually So, one have to What thing would you want Morrison. She’s Rebecca soulmate, My oneWhat value do you prize above all should People me. For Compassion. this business. I don’t have enough money enough I don’t have this business. scrape I can Hopefully this month. for rent and I’ll hotspot, a WiFi for together enough Bridge. Harvard the under tent a in live just they kick until in Flour out camp I’ll If not, me out. out nd fi to wanted you because here came And this article. reading were whether you I while bepatient Just you. tell to going I’m ee. some coff grab 1. white-ballot me for the entree. I feel off end- I feel off me for the entree. white-ballot Allen Li. propose ed. I instead convinced I’ve house meeting, average your this elevator Allen Li. I got into eat them to Too fry, Chinese. for stir we eat tonight but go to with Allen. sauce no peanut there’s bad cheers — everyone Everyone except Hurrah! positions them- Everyone is. for Allen, that e doors Th selves run to of the elevator. out I look Wall. White. a blank. just it’s open. But Everyone Really? 2! number. oor the fl up at in unison. groans and their stomach oor. fl first nally we arrive on the fi To- if DG squirted sanitizer. me with hand fry the stir night, is mine. ephant trunk or a giraff e neck? trunk or a giraff ephant in a water I’m whenever Also, me. annoy on people!sneeze I already just can I ght fi room. my in e necks giraff too many have vinegarfrom paper or toilet made from sandpaper? been — I’ve few months the past for paper be one might rst the fi However, on a cleanse. a fun experiment... with you on a desert island? Oh, her. everythingmy leave and I couldn’t scratch Actually, hoodie. favorite also my the hoodie. take I’ll Rebecca, others? for me. compassion more have A selfi e. A selfi But with cook-for-yourself dorms rapidly dorms rapidly with But cook-for-yourself MealKits™. read- You’re the article. to back And now a serious being hard really it’s know, You 6:30 p.m. Morale is low. Th e party grows party e grows Th low. is Morale 6:30 p.m. three least at probably there’s “Haha if they asked someone probably “Haha of bad a couple probably there’s “Haha Ha.” Ha. Haha. “Hahaha. cries. chortles into turn Our nished of last the fi We’ve later. 5/7 days a furious debate ere’s Th 69 later. days What are your plans for the your plans are future? What two least doctor- at complete to I want my developing I’m currently However, you hoping after Are go to back Mars to the changing for of wanted kind I’m best do you like What and at MIT? least opportuni- research e of wealth Likes: Th do you have Looking back as a senior, I wish I had a freshmen, When I was ing supplies, time, and willpower you need and willpower you time, supplies, ing oor’s fl cook in your a meal successfully to mice or cock- many how no matter kitchen, encounter! you roaches help to needs your MealKits™ disappearing, and now MealKits™ from Order itself. save of for generations business our help protect Please. now. order Please come. to students this article.” reading you’re sign “One ing if you’re I don’t know these days. journalist if you’re don’t know You article. my reading for paid getting only I’m article. my reading means. that whatever this in “exposure,” it in make to going I’m how I don’t know meeting updates poster. Out of the corner of Out poster. updates meeting — for an event another poster I saw eye, my weeks Really? ago?? three world. the outside about joke We restless. Sponge-talk EOM’ down elevator ‘B-Tower now.” emails a joke.” tried the elevator telling too.” tossed puns in there I wouldn’t mind eat- Honestly, Soylent. our this point. at banana brown an entirely ing tries to Jameson Jenny eat. who to over uses Suncius, also known as Farsunheit — also known as Farsunheit uses Suncius, of the the temperature from benchmarked Oh, or maths. not math mathZ it’s Also, Sun. my understands here one no that hate I and memes. Mars advanced Mam although majors, my of for each ates I and Dod until won’t let me start dating I’ve right? parents, Mars MD — rst fi get my cancer to ers within work off had currently do to want I solarand but energy research those sell- like Not meaningful. something a league goal create is to ultimate My outs. a it doesn’t have Currently for bit-diddling. of today I think the youth but platform, huge their time occupy this to need like things streets. the them off and keep engineering, of nuclear study in my start-up: behind the Hulk’s the secret I discovered preg- them to Gonna market shorts. stretchy it! Also parents. women — they’ll love nant of pants pair one buy to have only you Now Ad- of their lives. for the rest kids, for your of the stage in the prototyping I’m ditionally, with Cloudy a Chance shoes from spray-on Look Yeezys. out of Meatballs. your studies? sounds of all emergency on Mars vehicles coitus... sounds of cat to “wooh wooh” from Also, Dislikes: library is not 24/7. ties. Barker the dining. hate regrets or adviceany for younger years? join to an aca- don’t have you known that way I got involved away. right pella group took on my a toll and it really too early, the kids: I would tell health. “Look, all your and coun- harmony into getting friends are until Wait to. don’t have you But terpoints. ready.” you’re : all dusty; noth- : all dusty; All we’re saying here is that we under- is that here saying All we’re you. tell on and we’ll Read sponsor. our from a word rst, fi But deliv- cooking premiere is the MealKits™ 6:10 Finally the elevator is here. I step I step is here. the elevator Finally 6:10 swear I halt. a to jolts elevator e Th 6:10:02 How did juggle you manage to How such a good very have if you doable I think it’s theWhat f*ck is bit-diddling? than more is a lifestyle bit diddling Well, adjust to life to on Earth? it hard Was it’s the way is like Mars thinks Everyone Or you could simply be reading a diff erent erent a diff be reading simply could Or you the new TMZ gossip whether it’s article, hot MIT professor, and that Pitt Brad about watch lms we’d fi of 18 listicle or a Buzzfeed or for the sex scenes alone, and again again York in the New feature intellectual a really Syria in situation the tragic about Times (poor Syria). de- we’ve why And that’s cult. diffi it’s stand nally fi help you to guide veloped this handy you’re out once and for all whether gure fi this article! reading ery MealKits™ service MIT on the campus. cook- with all the ingredients, you provides I have? Th e last time I took the stairs I tookstairs time I got the last e Th I have? the walls on chalk in a corner staring at stuck al- they spelled turned into the words until go to through going I wasn’t soup. phabet waiting continue and I sigh hell again. that for the elevator. hungry of sweaty bod- the mass into inside room, locker a marinating smells like It ies. the A-Tower than better still hey,but that’s elevator. elevator third was the is Th breath. under my phone open week!a my in click I break to Sig- top corner nd in the “No fi to only again audibly. this time more again, I swore nal.” about as everyone was Right in the elevator and pre- I turned around me, lookto at house the latest in tended beto interested ing to eat except potatoes. We actually have have actually We potatoes. except eat to ing a very scene and water indie music active is nice. which too, is starting be to a thing though. I dislike a few things are ere Th measured here is temperature why Yoooo... else Everyone in the universe in Kelvin?? to read up on it, to form my own opin- form to my on it, up read to had limit- realised it at is when I Th ions. in interested more became I potential. less er- diff the vast when I realised linguistics na- and my ences between here languages we feet use to our example, For tongue. tive is not as which a lot while talking, gesture common here. huge workload? to sure I make skills. time management for my a day 5 hours least schedule in at in activities - I participate extra-curricular sh*tpost to and like bit-diddling competitive also a nice It’s Confessions. MITon Timely discussion and in political engage to place also been I’ve Lately commentators. harass as a lot of time crying like spending alone, t in fi all this I still and after thing, a health every in a solid of napping least day hour at Library. One a bit wildBarker time I went and since straight, for 3 hours and napped nap- when I’m behind the stacks I crouch gotI locked seedidn’t me. workers the ping, in, and got the whole library for myself to the night! don’t ap- parents my that say To anything. would be an exaggera- hobby, of my prove school high since ever known I’ve tion. But hand* were to ngers *gestures these fi that assem- When I compile diddle bits. to made *Eyes state. a transcendent I enter code, bly lls checksums with fi head My over* glaze codes. and error-detecting most do you hate What about earthlings? Martian e in Th portrayed PRIME PRIME MINISTER WINDOW WINDOW COUNTER WHAT DO YOU THINK? By Spongefarian By British Empire Empire By British By Captain Obvious By Captain Obvious

You could be anxiously refreshing LMOD be anxiously refreshing could You We live in a confusing world. We are are world. We in a confusing live We

5:55 I have no more new confessions confessions new no more have I 5:55 5:50 Th e elevator still isn’t here. I tap I tap here. still isn’t e elevator 5:50 Th I walk from my lovely but horribly but lovely my from I walk It’s 5:30 and I’m tapping my pencil as pencil as my tapping 5:30 and I’m It’s

Why your choiceWhy of subjects? and age people my of young many Like Activities: crying alone, crying alone, Activities: obsessed with MIT Timely Confessions, taking naps in Barker competitive bit Library, diddling IQ: 150 From Mars Who needs a bed when don’tyou sleep? I take frequent naps in Barker Library though. Triple Major inTriple Course 22 Engineering), (Nuclear Course (Linguistics) 24 and Course 6 (Computer in Minor Science); Course 2 (Mechanical Engineering) William (Willie) Stroker, Stroker, (Willie) William Class of 2018 to check if your 8.044 if your check to the graded professor took a billion weeks ago. literally exam you ex- see to if your Insta be checking could You of herself photos slutty bestie posted more the grill be sta- in line at could You in Miami. — a burger order to D waiting Maseeh tion at please! onions, no nitely defi and cheese, no bombarded with information day-in and with day-in information bombarded rehose and the MIT fi both through day-out, all With news cycle. the 24-hour through be sometimes dif- it can these distractions, this ar- reading you’re tell whether to cult fi or not. ticle One sign you’re reading this article and easy guide A quick BY THEBY NUMBERS to read. I glance at the stairs. Should I re- Should the stairs. at I glance read. to do option what But waiting? continue ally my foot as I lean against the wall and scroll and scroll the wall foot against as I lean my Confessions. MIT Timely through space-ineffi curvy-walled the to cient room space-ineffi button the down I press elevator. B-Tower and wait. I try to think about my 8.02 pset, but my my but tryI 8.02 pset, my about think to contin- stomach and my blank mind draws of go for a bowl I could ues its soft growl. standard and my of milk, glass a Cheerios, fry.stir

Meet Willie, a senior with a lot of interplanetary insight Willie, a senior with a lot of interplanetaryMeet insight Men are from Mars... are Men STUDENT SPOTLIGHT EOM Simmons elevator The odyssey of a lifetime: my trip on the on my trip ofThe odyssey a lifetime: Thursday, May 17, 2018 2018 Thursday, May 17, IQ, I’m interested in the intersection of of in the intersection interested I’m IQ, cell biology, and a very warheads, nuclear Manchurian c dialect of southern specifi is wor- the government On Mars, Chinese. phys- with meddling nuclear by ried that blow to going are guys you one day ics, However, and us with you. up, yourselves authority sotook it uponI dislike myself 10

SCIENCE SCIENCE SCIENCE SCIENCE SCIENCE SCIENCE SCIENCE Science SCIENCE SCIENCE Tecc Bhe sneak away from my desk forafewminutes really telescopes. cool Whenever Icould PIST-1 downinChile, Iwas surrounded by that wouldrequire minimal timeinthelab. ing Strogg without to brainstorm projects es amess, thegroup members heldameet peatedly spill chemicals andleave lab- bench members ofhislab. Because Strogg wouldre- that the idea for his project came from other pact hisresults. intelligent students astest may subjects im- research to MIT, that so how hecan see using wards hisPhD at Harvard. He has moved his cultures in2014, whenhewas still working to - ment ofBiology, began researching dorm thissummer? scopes to newplaces.and go manyso to explore opportunities theworld go. It’s just anicecommunity, andthere are work inthefuture, was theway to EAPS so outdoors, andwanted to doalotoffield- really Iamalso into hiking andthe quarry. from gneissschist tion of some thenearby awed. like Ialso rocks, andhave acollec a small ofthisgreat part universe, andI’m out there andIthinkabout how we’re such lights allthose experience. Isee twinkling ing upat thestars. It’s just such amagical EAPS peep: ‘I would peep: reallyEAPS like to work the San near Andreas fault’ language merQuery writing models, computer making talks student 12 Course INTERVIEW New strains could improve administration life, student says cultures dorm lab-grown with experiments MIT Atmospheric and Planetary Science.Atmospheric andPlanetary oft-thought extinct ofEarth, Department asamemberabout ofthe theirexperience sat Johnnie downwith Rocker ’20 to talk majorson non-EECS at MIT.we week This After receiving theidea, “Strogg it took His Dr. oldadvisor Rupert Chen said Yeah! Iwas While working onTRAP tele- any cool to use youget did So Dr. Strogg, Henry intheDepart apostdoc Every since Iwas achild, I’ve loved look Why 12? doyoulike Course Bhe Tecc column anewweekly run will By Definitely NotXII By NoosaUgurt Email [email protected] mitted toambiguity andsassas you are. It’s easy, andallofour responders are ascom Try outsourcing your Piazzaresponding duties. lines thatyou yourself made? incompetent students?Confusedaboutdead You tired ofanswering dumbassquestionsfrom OR 6*2 OR - - - - - Hey Professors Mercury travels the fastest around the Sun the side. It’s anappropriate name because database language that on Iamwriting little that? about more working Can youtell usa withMercury. market.perhaps thetelescope disrupt itwill anything. ruin pollution knows,noise Who I want, having without theclouds orthe thenightsee sky whenever Iwant, wherever puter time, it. but I’ll itwas worth so to get yelled at mefortaking much so supercom- ally aloteasier than itseems. My supervisor forthenextbodies millionyears. It’s actu- that predicts thetrajectories ofallthemajor theday during So Icreated script aPython tive, time can limited… so be observation ing theweather —sometimes isn’t coopera- muchso involved uncertainty observ with had built back But inmiddleschool. there’s me ofthenetwork system my andI friends — my favorite isthePuppis, anditreminds have lovely some constellations downthere using the24” Celestron at our office. They catch aglimpse ofthesouthernnight sky of steps to optimize aplanet’s mass), Iwould Markov Chain Monte Carlo ran thebillions in themiddleofnight (usually whilemy gering traditionsgering orfeelings ofjadedness. The who could contaminate lin- thesample with House,Senior isolated from upperclassmen theclasstering of2021 in placed wouldbe program called2021.” “Pilot Freshmen en- ments infall2017. a research- fellow, andwas experi to begin cording to Strogg. He received as aposition of“makingthe goal students happier,” ac pressed interest intheresearch, which had wanted to ask.” knew what was going on,butnobody also wrote Chen inanemail to Bhe Tecc . “Nobody fice (a janitor’s late closet) into thenight,” enthusiasmwith andspent hours inhisof Yeah forsure! isasuper fast merQuery You youare currently mentioned His first attempta at experiments was After Strogg completed hisPhD, ex MIT - - - - course 12?course ofIntelhis collection core samples! lecting hardware —Imean, you should see landscape? He’s my TA, andheloves col- investigating arock awe-inspiring insome ing. You know that poster ofthegeologist mate data that from hegets theGreen Build- vented thecloud storage system to store cli- he wrote whenhewas 15, andpractically in- He aweather uses prediction that algorithm in class. You know weather those predictions sonal basis. Half ofmy major isinmy 6.036 to know andget ing people themonaper grads), but you many so to meet get interest major (Ithinkthere are only three under community? experience. learning to augment theuser’s composing appiOS Iamworking onthat machine uses am looking testers forbeta forNepTune, an platform. Oh, andshameless plughere —I and Ireally appreciate theaesthetics ofthat Jupyter experimenting with been lately, I’vethan otheroptionslike mySQL. also and all.It has away nicersyntax structure House asgrounds forhisexperiments. system. Strogg his attention shifted to New evacuating itsstudents dueto abad piping leave theirresidences. House students didnotlike being forced to becausefailed apparently, Senior theexisting ideal test subjects, Strogg said. made the iteasyhousing to select surveys meal kits.”self as“yogathese classes” and“cook-for-your sound appealing, thewebsite advertised anddiet. schedule Tocise make theprogram freshmen wouldfollow aregimented exer Bhe Tecc ? Iknow theguy them. whodoes When did you decide to declare youdecide did When They’re really alotoffun! It’s such asmall Course How the doyoufind 12 Next year, thehousesofNew House,- orig However, was already anotherdorm Unfortunately, Strogg’s first experiment sent out to studentsSurveys as disguised - - - - - be the perfect petri dish,” petri theperfect be Strogg said. ment lotsoflittle cellsforstudents with will scale experiments. “The brand-new environ- onVassardorm Street, to allow forlarger- search that are they building anew450-bed put) inthefuture. ous housing student (without decisions in- the data plan to use They when making- vari thedata with Stroggpleased has collected. Bhe Tecc with an interview . cal change dynamics,” insocial Strogg said in a border House with 3. “I’m aradi expecting - to borderwhich used House 6, now will share inaneworder.placed For example, House 5, inally arranged according to number, be will so Siliconso Valley forme. isperfect I want to live rocks, nextcool to places with happen there are literally shattering. earth namic that place —thedisruptions to be San Andreas fault, which isanexciting, dy- Francisco Bay area. It’s right next to the course 12. lations. That’s to declare whenIdecided and itsimpact onEmperor penguin popu- tica instead at to look glacial morphology to Antarc my with to go UROP supervisor the Florida Keys, but upchoosing Iended to the afieldtrip between Netherlands or stressed out last about semester choosing ography) my freshman year. Iwas really on astronomy) and12.373ocean- (field troduction 12.409 to geobiology), (hands- andclimateocean dynamics), 12.007 (in- 12.003 (introduction to atmosphere, science),to geophysics and planetary 12.002duction to geology), (introduction (12.000), Iwent onto take 12.001 (intro- and in addition to my Terrascope class error ofmy ways. Iwas hookedinstantly, FPOP, myduring DEAPS I recognized the do 6-3or18-6 (yes, Iwas asad child), but MIT has been so pleased with there with pleased has- so MIT been The administration thus far been has I wouldreally like to work intheSan What are yourfuture plans? Initially Ithought Iwas eithergoing to - Thursday, May 17, May Thursday, 2018 - - FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN B T

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