MARRIAGE ENCOUNTER
OUTLINE 2016
WEEKEND FOLLOW UP PROGRAM
Deepening Our Love
Deeper Understanding leads to Greater Love
Weekend Follow Up Program 2016
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Weekend Follow Up Program 2016
Session One The objectives To enrich and support couples and priests after the weekend. To help them to see their own strengths, talents and uniqueness. To encourage them to live the gospel values proclaimed on the weekend. To give them an experience of living in a sharing and caring community. To offer them safety and support in their life journey. To help them see the need for their love & and talents to be shared with others.
Warm welcome by Leaders
1. Prayer: for openness and trust; help from Our Father for each of us. 2. Rules of an Encounter meetings: All sharing is confidential, not to be repeated outside of this group. Each person has a turn. If they cannot share they can pass (No Obligation.) Commitment to meet 4 times No right or wrong answers. Only your answers
3. Introduce self;
where born, size of family you came from, children (If any). Where you first meet and what most attracted you to your spouse. What quality do you appreciate most now?
4. All of us have shared in a common experience, that of a Marriage Encounter weekend which has already changed our lives. The tool of the dialogue can help us to recapture the closeness of the W/E
Dialogue question: What do I want most for us now? What do I have to do to make that possible?
Couple /priest /couple private sharing
5. Open Sharing Before the sharing the animating couple explains the difference between “sharing” and “dialogue”. Dialogue is personal to the couple or priest and couple. Sharing is for the group only sharing what we call the fruits of our dialogue. In other words just the main elements we are comfortable sharing with the larger group. After all have shared we invite each person to say very briefly what stood out for them in other people’s sharings, and what they see as the common links in everyone's experiences
Dialogue question for tomorrow: “What are my feelings after this meeting?” or “What are my feelings about taking part in this group?” Date for the next meeting End with a prayer (possibly refreshments)
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Session Two This evening we want the participants: To know: - that the sharing of feelings is an efficient instrument for communication - that my feelings reveal who I am - that feelings are neither right nor wrong - but some are agreeable, others disagreeable to experience.
To do - learn to discover their feelings - learn how to describe their feelings - learn how to share feelings with their partner in such a way that they neither hurt nor lay blame.
To experience: - that we all have feelings - the quality of the relationship linked to the sharing of feelings Welcome Warm welcome by Leader/Host
1. Prayer: for openness and trust; help from Our Father for each of us.
2. Reminder of Rules of an Encounter meetings:
a. All sharing is confidential, not to be repeated outside of this group.
b. Each person has a turn. If they cannot share they can pass (No Obligation.)
Share experience from last meeting
How to dialogue: Remind them of W.E.D.S Write (love letter) Exchange (read twice) (remember - NO comments on spelling or grammar) Dialogue (Talk about feelings) (decide on who’s feeling to focus on – not always same person) Select (next question for next love letter)
The main focus should be on sharing and listening to the feelings.
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FEELINGS Each individual experiences feelings in their own unique way and so it is important to learn how to describe what we are feeling in as much detail as possible. Firstly which of the family of feelings am I experiencing? Anger – Fear – Joy - Sadness How do I feel physically? – Where do I feel the feeling? Head – tension, light headed Stomach – churning, warm Shoulders – tight, relaxed
What do my feeling make me want to do? Become aggressive, shout loudly Become silent , withdraw Show my affection. Cry, offer my comfort. Describe by means of comparisons Like when ...... (relate to a shared experience e.g. when we were on that beach or when we got lost)
To communicate, intimately we must express our feelings to the other person (and not simply talk to them about events in our lives or other people). Feelings = Spontaneous inner reactions = that which we feel = the very substance of life, it is through them that we are alive.
Our feelings are present in all forms of communication Conversation = exchanging information Discussion = exchanging ideas Confrontation = confronting our different points of view Non-verbal = the way we act, sit, facial expressions, tone of voice
Our feelings are linked to our history. They reflect our experiences of early childhood right up to today. They affect our attitudes and behaviour, often at a subconscious level. Our feelings are our own. My feelings are my responsibility No one can make me feel anything (they may stimulate something which is already within me) Our feelings are neither right nor wrong they just are. They may be comfortable or uncomfortable – agreeable or disagreeable Comfortable/agreeable feelings invite togetherness - being with others Uncomfortable/disagreeable feelings invite isolation – separation Page 5 of 14
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Learning to recognise and own our feelings helps us to take responsibility for our behaviour and attitudes. Sometimes we find other feelings hidden deeper behind the surface feeling we have been talking about. Behind my first feeling of anger, I may discover the deeper feeling of disappointment. At times we are surprised by the strength of our feelings. Something apparently innocuous suddenly affects us strongly touching us at a deep level.
Feelings, particularly uncomfortable feelings that we don’t want to face or maybe unaware of, undermine our self-esteem and diminishes the quality of our couple relationship.
Dialogue We want the participants to know: - that the love letter is a way of deciding to love to do: - learn to choose topics for dialogue - learn to write a love letter - learn to read the partner’s letter and receive his/her feelings to experience: - the joy to be experienced by practising the dialogue
Dialogue is communicating who I am, at this moment, to you. I love you so much that I trust myself to you at the deeper level of my feelings, beyond the normal every day talking about events.
We have talked about the importance of sharing our deepest feelings. Now we want to look at the second and equally important part of the equation
Listening in Dialogue In order to listen openly we must try to put aside our own thoughts and judgements for the time being. We must focus on our spouse. Try to listen without prejudice nor with our motors running, just waiting to put our point of view across. Try to put yourself in their place. (walk a mile in their shoes) Give feedback on what you think they have said (for our own clarification not to correct the other person) Ask questions to gain a better understanding of their feeling :- (Is it like—? Or on a scale 0 to 10 how strong is it?)
Questions we ask should be about the feelings not the subject. Don’t ask “Why” Don’t try to solve problems or fix feelings. Questions like these indicate more interest in the subject than acceptance of the person as they are at that moment. This can cause defensiveness and resentfulness and withdrawal.
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Dialogue Question: How well do I think I listen? What can I do to improve my listening?
Couple /priest /couple private sharing
Open Sharing Reminder of the difference between “dialogue” and “sharing” Dialogue is personal to the couple or priest and couple. Sharing is for the group only sharing what we call the fruits of our dialogue. In other words just the main elements we are comfortable sharing with the larger group. After all have shared we invite each person to say very briefly what stood out for them in other people’s sharings, and what they see as the common links in everyone's experiences
Dialogue question for tomorrow: “What are my feelings after this meeting?” or “What are my feelings about taking part in this group?”
Date for the next meeting
End with a prayer (possibly refreshments)
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Session 3 Welcome Warm welcome by Leader/Host
Prayer: for openness and trust; help from Our Father for each of us. Share experience from last meeting
There are 3 ways to discovering feelings
1. what I feel; 2. what I spontaneously think (non-rational thoughts); 3. what I am doing. (or what do I feel like doing.)
Some people find it difficult to become aware of feelings they are experiencing.
To become aware of what is going on in me, in order to share it with you, I can look at either my feelings, the thoughts that are running through my head, or how I am behaving
These are the three aspects of our deep personality.
When I experience a feeling, almost automatically certain thoughts cross my mind and I act in a particular way.
With regard to "what I feel"
To be aware of what is going on in me and therefore to express myself to the other, it is good for me to be aware of my feelings: pleasant: joy - peace; these feelings tell me that I am satisfied, in harmony with myself, with you and with the world. unpleasant: anger - fear - sadness; these feelings give rise to tension in me, to disharmony, and indicate that I am a lacking something in my life.
With regard to "what I think"
We are not referring here to our deep thoughts or to our ideas and convictions about this or that subject. To confront our ideas on, for example, a point of education would be the subject of a discussion.
It is more a matter of those spontaneous little phrases which flit through my mind, such as "no chance...", "it's always the same ...", "here we go again...", etc. ... and which reveal the feelings we are experiencing.
These spontaneous thoughts have no moral value (just like our feelings). They are neither right nor wrong. They are there simply to enlighten us about the feelings that we are experiencing.
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With regard to "what I am doing"
Here it is a question of becoming aware of what I am really doing or wanting to do and not what I would like to do.
Both of these (thoughts /actions) help to reveal our feelings: e.g.
Let’s look at the three different approaches, starting from a different perspective.
1st situation: we are sitting down beside each other I take your hand tenderly (I DO) I experience warmth and comfort (I FEEL) I tell myself: it’s good to be with you (I THINK)
2nd situation: you seem to be delaying coming to bed with me I tell myself you’re not interested in me (I THINK) I leave the room, slamming the door (I DO) I experience anger and resentment, disappointment (I FEEL)
3rd situation: you agree to do a good turn for a neighbour I experience a stab of anger (I FEEL) I tell myself: that's the end of the walk we were going for (I THINK) I shrug my shoulders and sulk (I DO)
There is no right or wrong way of getting in touch with our inner self, but it is important that we each find the best way for each of us personally.
Distribute the handout on 3 ways to get in touch. Fill in but don’t share yet. Dialogue
Select one recent situation in which I had a strong feeling towards you. Give the feeling, then continue with “what I spontaneously thought”, “what I did “, and give this in a love letter. Writing and sharing in couple, couple/priest Sharing in group After completing the group sharing: if necessary go through Managing conflict (confrontation) page 11 If not go straight to
Dialogue question for tomorrow: “What are my feelings after this meeting?” Date for the next meeting End with a prayer (possibly refreshments)
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Actions
Thoughts
Spontaneous
Feelings
Circumstances
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Managing Conflict (CONFRONTATION)
Each of us is different and, when in disagreement, rather than just resigning yourself to it, it would be better if you decide to face the issue together.
Confrontation can be good for your relationship if you face issues together. However, it can help to prevent a confrontation becoming a major row if you try to follow a few guidelines. These aren’t rules but they can help you deal with difficult issues.
Being right is not as important as your relationship - as a couple you are more important than any issue or situation, especially at times of high tension when you may find yourself defending your position and forgetting about your spouse. Try to put the issue on the table, so to speak, and confront the issue together, rather than confronting each other.
Even though it may be difficult try to stay physically close. A small gesture of affection can show you care. Remember there is nothing that can’t be worked out in love.
Don’t bring in a third party. All you are trying to do is get someone on your side to give you greater power and you end up diminishing your spouse or aggravating the situation. Also, remarks such as “you’re just like your mother“ are no help at all - it’s your feelings and needs that are driving you. So be aware of that and take responsibility for yourself.
Stay together until you’ve finished talking the issue through. This can be hard at times, especially when you see yourself under threat or you are exasperated. Try to remember that tears should not be used as a weapon but often come from frustration or vulnerability - try to accept your spouse as he/she is. (If time is limited, make a commitment to come back to the issue)
Absolute remarks such as ‘you always’ or ‘you never’ are just not true and certainly don’t help.
Analysing, or trying to work out how you got into a situation in order to apportion blame, is fruitless. It can only serve to drive a wedge between you. It’s best to work it through and get on - moving forwards and not looking back.
Name calling can be very hurtful and, to be honest, is a sign of weakness.
We also damage a relationship when we use sarcasm or criticism (and there’s no such thing as constructive criticism!) If we diminish our partner in this way, how can they believe in themselves and how can we belong to each other.
We should avoid confrontation when one or both have lost control or when we are trying to hurt each other.
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Session 4 Welcome Warm welcome by leaders 3. Prayer: for openness and trust; help from Our Father for each of us.
4. Reminder of Rules of an Encounter meetings:
A All sharing is confidential, not to be repeated outside of this group.
B Each person has a turn. If they cannot share they can pass (No Obligation.)
Share experience from last meeting
During this evening we want the participants: To know: - that my needs lie at the origin of my feelings - that by seeing how I nourish my needs allow me to be more responsible for my life To do: - discover the different phases of deeper dialogue. To experience: - what the deeper dialogue brings about in our relationship
Distinguish between vital needs and relational or emotional needs. Mention the need to be loved and to experience self-worth. The Feeling Reveals Needs When we experience an uncomfortable feeling, it is a signal that something is not right within us, we are experiencing a lack of something in our lives. We all have vital needs and emotional/relationship needs. Vital needs: are needs of our bodies, to eat - sleep - to be warm – a roof over our heads... When a vital need is not met, we experience a dissatisfaction - hunger - tiredness – cold - insecurity... and we realise fairly easily that something needs to be done: If I feel hungry, what should I do to satisfy this need - I eat, I don't go to bed!
Emotional needs: concern our being in relationship; each of us has two main emotional needs: Within me there is a driving force to be worthwhile, to see myself as a person of value in my own right, to be able to appreciate and accept myself as I am. This is a need for Self Worth - to be valued in my own eyes. There is also a driving force to love and to be loved, to be accepted by and have a place in the hearts of others; to experience tenderness, closeness and warmth. This is the need for Love and Acceptance - to be valued in the eyes of others.
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When my Emotional needs are not satisfied I experience an uncomfortable feeling, e.g.
I make a mistake doing something that I consider quite important: (I feel) I'm furious with myself (I think) I'm useless, I can't do anything right? (I do) I refuse to listen to you - I am unable to accept your support because of how stupid I judge myself to be. My need for Self Worth is under nourished
When you forget my birthday or St Valentine's Day: I feel sad and lonely I think I am unattractive to you, you do not want me I do remain quiet and sulk My need to be Loved and accepted is not being nourished
When I make a statement and you publicly contradict me: I feel anger and resentment – My position is undermined - I lose face. I think to myself “nothing I do is right - I'm no good as a parent” (I do)I become aggressive and argue My need for Self Worth is under nourished
If on the other hand in the same situation: I feel embarrassed, fearful. I think you’re uncaring I do quiet and withdraw, isolate myself. My need to be Loved and accepted is not being nourished
We talked about our vital needs. These can only be satisfied when we take the appropriate steps e.g. when I’m hungry I eat, when I’m tired I rest or sleep, when I’m thirsty I drink.
In the same way our emotional needs can only be satisfied when we take the appropriate course of action. Unfortunately our instinctive behaviour or reaction is often the complete opposite to that which is good for us.
If we look at the last scenario, in the first instance, does becoming aggressive and arguing help to build our self-worth? Only by accepting that “God does not make rubbish” and being really honest with our self we can see we have been blest with many gifts and talents. Even if we don’t always use them they are still there within us. We are basically good, valuable, worthwhile people. Believing this is what nourishes our need for self-worth
In the second instance, does withdrawing and isolating our self help us to experience being loved and accepted? The antidote is, to accept that we don’t have to be perfect to be loveable. Do we only love perfect people? Reaching out to our spouse in particular and allowing our self to be loved is only way we nourish our need to be loved and accepted
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Now we want to look at what we call Deeper Dialogue
This is useful when we find ourselves repeatedly going through the same difficult scenarios. It isn’t something we need to do each time we dialogue. This would take the spontaneity out of our love letters. It does however; help to delve into some of our deeply ingrained attitudes, fears and behaviours.
3 stages of questions to enable us to get deeper in touch with ourselves.
Once we decided on a topic which creates recurring difficulties between us we can try and follow the questions in the 3 stages below.
What are my feelings? ( Look at the four families) What are the spontaneous thoughts crossing my mind? Recognition What did I see myself doing? (or wanting to do)
a. Which need do think I am lacking? Default response. b. What do I really need? Usually opposite to default. Discernment What else could I do which would be better for me? (options, often more than one)
What am I going to do? (choice- concrete step) Responsibility
May be omitted if deemed too for omitted complex the if deemed May group be
Having decided on a course of action, re-evaluate after a while. If it isn’t working, you may have to try another approach and re-evaluate again.
Question: Couple /priest /couple private sharing.
What have I gained from this group? HDIFAMA
Open Sharing When finished Ask if some or all want to continue to meet regularly in some way or other. Dialogue questions for tomorrow:
What are my feelings about taking part in this group? What are my feelings continuing to meet with this group? Up to those who want to continue to set their own dates End with a prayer (possibly refreshments)
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