page 2 the paper september 29, 2010

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Talty, Danny Casarella, Sam Stokes, Alex Levine, the Wretched Harmony september 29, 2010 the paper page 3 news AMERICA UNMOSQUED Proposed Mosque Brings Islamophobes out of the Closet by Sean Bandfi eld sipate upon honest refl ection. planning to build the center, as his agenda when he expressed But understanding is not the STAFF BEHIND THE MUSIC But the especially disturbing well as those who would use the that there were “1.5 billion same thing as excusing; we can erhaps it was bound to hap- trend I discovered was not that facility – Muslim Americans, people that live on this planet recognize why people would Ppen – the perfect mix of people were merely confl ating many of whom are New York who are going to hell because react negatively to Park51 or pluralism and suspicion, meet- these two entities accidentally, City residents who watched the they’ve bought into the lies of demand its cancellation, but ing head on in the worst kind of but that many people simply towers burn – would look back Islam.” It seemed I would get that doesn’t make their reaction way. When I heard in late July refused to acknowledge a dif- on the attacks not as a tragedy, my fi reworks after all. right. To quote Herbert Ouida, that an Islamic cultural cen- ference. A signifi cant portion but as a triumph. The man talked for about “Pain just sometimes causes ter was going to be built close of the population has been har- After immersing myself in twenty minutes about how Is- you to lash out.” Ouida, a resi- to Ground Zero, I was ready boring anti-Islamic sentiments the arguments from either side, lam is a satanic religion and dent of my neighboring town to hear all types of condemna- for quite some time, equating I decided that I of River Edge, tion and accusation from the Islam with Al-Qaeda, yet didn’t couldn’t get a New Jersey, bitter, the brash, and the easily feel comfortable voicing their complete picture should know – confused. However, I was also feelings until there was a larger of the issue with- he was on the prepared for the controversy to public backlash for them to join. out visiting the 77th fl oor of the live out its week in the sun be- As time went on, the ar- site myself. The north tower of fore sinking into the back pages guments against Park51 con- walk from Ground the World Trade and eventually out of public tinued without improving. It Zero to the spot Center when it concern. That the uproar over didn’t take long for detractors where Park51 will was struck by Park51 has persisted so long to claim that Muslims could one day stand is a the fi rst plane. and so strongly has revealed to have their “mosque” when we very short one – I Ouida made it me a part of our national psyche were allowed to build a church fi lmed the walk out – but his that I thought we had long ago in Mecca – as if the United and uploaded it son Todd, who outgrown, and has taught me a States shouldn’t look to surpass on the internet to worked on the lesson that I was not happy to the moral norms of Saudi Ara- provide the curi- 105th fl oor of learn. bia, but only match them. The ous with a good the same build- Despite the fact that people argument is rather like saying idea of the dis- ing, did not. across the nation would simply that we’ll let Muslims vote here tance between the Despite his loss, not let this issue go, I was by when women can vote there. two sites. Once Ouida views the no means shocked by the gen- I reached the proposed site, I how only Christians would at- backlash against Park51 as mis- erally terrible arguments that found several women standing tain salvation – typical evange- taken and misguided: “To say the opposition brought against outside displaying signs and list fare. When he was fi nished, that we’re going to condemn a the project. I don’t want to por- shirts in support of the project. I couldn’t help but ask him a religion and castigate a billion tray myself as a full fl edged All around on the outer walls of few questions about the claims people in the world because supporter of Park51 or even the building and on the sidewalk he made; eager for the sport they’re Muslims… I don’t think a champion of Islam – I have were signs promoting peace, of an argument, I spent quite a that’s going to bring people to- many criticisms of certain types unity, and understanding. while debating him, yet found gether and cross the divide.” of religion, and though I’m no I was happy to see such a his responses to my questions If we want to live in a so- expert on Islam, I wouldn’t be positive display, but I can’t say about as unsatisfying as his ini- ciety that celebrates diversity surprised if some parts of the that part of me didn’t want to tial speech. (Naturally, I also and recognizes the rights of all, Qur’an struck me as objection- see some fi reworks from a con- fi lmed this exchange for all of then cross the divide we must. able. But despite whatever fl aws frontational passerby. Lo and the internet to see.) Only later That divide in our nation is I might fi nd in Islam, the idea behold, it wasn’t long before did I learn that this man was wider than I thought it was, and of a cultural outreach center Added to this sad equa- I spotted a man walking down Bill Keller, a Christian televan- this controversy has provided dedicated to interfaith dialogue tion were a slew of accusa- the street with an American gelist from Florida who recently a disturbing awakening. But if didn’t seem like the worst idea. tions aimed at the organizers of fl ag draped over his shoulders, opened The 9/11 Christian Cen- history has taught us anything, Given our cultural climate, I Park51 and those who would fl anked by a crew with cameras ter at Ground Zero. it’s that sooner or later America found myself taking much more use it. Popular was the declara- and microphones, and clearly I can’t begin to imagine the remembers the promise it makes issue with Park51’s detractors tion that the center was a “Victo- ready to give an address. One unrelenting torture experienced to all people, and allows them and their arguments than with ry mosque,” a symbol of Islam’s of the cameramen began inter- by those people who lost part- a place among the others that the center’s supporters. claim over the area that repre- viewing him, asking questions ners, parents, or children on that were once similarly misunder- I can’t help but think that a sented a checkmate in a game that were almost certainly pre- day. Their sensitivity to what stood and ostracized. I can only substantial portion of the back- started nearly a decade earlier pared between the two of them. goes on at Ground Zero strikes hope that the same happens lash against Park51 was like with the fall of the World Trade At fi rst I fi gured that this man me as completely understand- once again, and happens soon. a kneejerk reaction – an im- Center. This twisted thinking was just a small time political able, and it’s neither my place The videos of Park51 is on mediate association of Islam operated under the sick pre- pundit or an internet personal- nor my intention to judge them the paper’s blog, http://fupaper. and Al-Qaeda that would dis- sumption that those who were ity; I only began to understand personally for their reactions. wordpress.com/ in this editorials arts features comix issue:

A Film Unfinished comedy podcasts! CATS! Review, p. 15 p. 20 p. 24 page 4 the paper september 29, 2010 No Aid for HIV-Positive New Yorkers Gov. Paterson vetoes a bill that caps rents for victims of HIV/AIDS by Alexis Kedo and their families who already would have split the costs be- patients could more effectively tine Quinn, a Manhattan Demo- STAFF SHIT JUST GOT receive income support from tween the city and state, thereby monitor their health. There crat, said the Governor’s veto REAL HASA (the city’s HIV/AIDS only slapping the state with 10 would be fewer AIDS patients essentially abandons the effort Shit got real really fast for Service Administration). Many million. crowding the city’s hospitals as to protect some of New York New Yorkers—fi rst there were HIV/AIDS patients already say Advocates for the bill are well, lightening the burden of City’s most vulnerable citizens. ridiculously high rents, and they can’t afford to pay rents on accusing Paterson of lying, the public health care sector. In Quinn said Mr. Paterson and then, on top of that, HIV/AIDS. top of their disability. For many saying he promised to pass the their view, the bill is a missed Mayor Bloomberg have made And no, this is not a revival of tenants affected by the disease, bill in 2009 and again this year. opportunity to save New York “a terrible mistake.” “We can- that one Broadway rock-con- as much as 75% of their income Mayor Bloomberg, however, some precious dollars. not ask people with AIDS in the cert smash hit everybody went goes toward paying their land- praised Paterson’s decision- New York City has the high- city of New York who we are gaga for. This is a much darker lord, leaving little left over for making, saying the legislation est AIDS-case rate in the coun- legally responsible to house in tale, my friends. basic neces- would have made the these cases to live on $11 a Much darker. In sities such as city pony up more than day,” she told The Wall Street a decision that food, electricity, 15 million dollars a year. Journal. If you can’t imagine stunned every- and gas. Not to Bloomberg, the city’s what $11 a day looks like, one at Albany, mention health richest resident, also up- ask a Vietnamese rice farmer. our ever-stal- care. Which is graded his appraisal of Advocate James Dean wart Governor kind of impor- the Governor’s decision (yep) was protesting the veto Paterson vetoed tant in this par- from “diffi cult” to “wise,” at a rally outside the Gov- a bill that would ticular situation. saying such a mandate is ernor’s Manhattan offi ce on have capped “This is my just not the way to go in A typical day for September 20th. Dean es- rents at 30% most diffi cult this economy. Finally, Gov. Paterson. timated that about 70% of of the income veto,” Governor Bloomy said there was his monthly income goes of people who Paterson said. no other segment of the popu- try, with more than 100,000 toward rent. “I’m constantly have symptom- He emphasized lation who receives entitlement HIV-positive residents.Paterson forced to rob Peter to pay Paul,” atic HIV or the AIDS virus. his knowledge of the “history to housing assistance “based inevitably ignored the political he said, detailing how he has to More simply, the bill would of inadequacy” of services the solely on a medical diagnosis.” consequences of rejecting such alternate between paying the have protected extremely ill state government has brought So…why start now? Well, a bill, which was supported electric, light, and gas bill each New Yorkers from the added to bear for those affl icted with Bloomy, here’s a few reasons. on both sides of the aisle and month. Another protestor sim- burden of being screwed over disabilities and life-threatening Advocates say the bill would passed with fl ying colors in both ply remarked, “They’re killing by their landlords. Many have conditions (Mr. Paterson him- have simply been an invest- the state Assembly and Senate. us.” already turned to public housing self is legally blind). ment, keeping more sick people Curiously, the Senate, consid- Both houses of the state leg- because of their inability to af- The Governor blamed the in stable, healthy living condi- ered the more conservative islature still have the option of ford subsidized or Markey-rate state’s budget woes for his “dif- tions and fewer people in the chamber, passed the bill twice overriding the Governor’s veto, apartments. fi culty,” saying the bill would already-packed New York City with a more than two-thirds ma- although most are saying it is The decision will affect have cost New York 20 mil- shelter system. As a result of jority. unlikely, even with the Demo- about 10,000 New Yorkers lion dollars. However, the bill their improved situations, AIDS City Council Speaker Chris- cratic majority. Not Sleeping So Tight Bedbugs Bite All Over NYC, the United States by Alex Orf department found that 6.7 per- Bugaway, a Bronx-based com- sites so diffi cult to eliminate is pricey) methods of getting rid of NEWS CO-EDITOR cent of adults in New York – pany, told me, “In thirty years that unlike your run-of-the-mill the bugs, from bedbug sniffi ng Millennia ago, when pri- that’s around 400,000 people in this business I never had cockroach infestation they can dogs that can locate the bugs’ meval man climbed down from – hired an exterminator to treat a single bedbug case; for the easily hide away in wood and hiding places to steam and the trees and moved into caves, an infestation in the previous 12 past four years they’ve made cloth to escape the toxic fumes freezing treatments to a giant he began to cohabitate with a months. This past summer saw up around 80 percent of my ap- and will survive up to a year heat fan that essentially bakes host of creatures that generally bedbugs returning in even larger pointments.” without a meal. To make mat- an entire room to 120 degrees invoke shivers in the average numbers and showing up in pre- At a fourth of an inch long, ters worse, bedbugs and bed- (which, let’s face it, is way awe- New Yorker. Among the creepy viously unexpected places, like bedbugs are visible to the na- bug eggs can easily travel from some). crawlies among whom our dis- the Times Square AMC The- ked eye, but they rarely come one place to another on clothes, The most important thing to tant ancestors lived was an an- ater, a Lexington Ave Victoria’s out in the daylight and scurry bags, and shoes – and it only remember in the event that you noying little shit of a parasite come down with an infestation that has come to be known as of bedbugs is not to stress, as the bedbug. Cimex lectularius much of an inconvenience as (literally, “bug of the bed”) tra- they can be. As a bedbug spe- ditionally fed on bats, rats, and cialist told readers in a CBS. other cave-dwelling mammals, com Q&A session, “It doesn’t but apparently developed a taste make a bit of difference to the for human blood that became bedbugs whether you worry or imbedded in its genetic code. not. They’re very selfi sh crea- Mention of bedbugs show up all tures.” And if you do let it get throughout recorded human his- to you, you might land in the tory, but until a couple of years offi ces of one of dozens of psy- ago the U.S. hadn’t felt their ef- chiatrists’ offi ces that are now fects since 1950s – courtesy of treating patients with bedbug- This dog is TCB: Taking Care of Bedbugs. DDT, the wildlife-destroying induced persecution complex- pesticide that wiped out every- es, which is far too expensive thing it touched. Now, thanks Secret store, and offi ces in the quickly to a hiding place when takes one to start an infestation. for the average college student to increased international travel Empire State Building. In the found. Despite the somewhat The good news is that, de- budget. So if you think you’re and a resistance to many tradi- boogie-down Bronx bedbugs misleading name, bedbugs are spite all the annoying, itchy getting bites, check your mat- tional pesticides, bedbugs have have been popping up every- not attracted to your bed, nor is bites and the social stigma that tresses, call your landlord, and returned to major U.S. popula- where, even in our beloved Bel- it the only place they hide; they can accompany them, bedbugs get an exterminator in as soon tion centers, and New York City mont neighborhood; chances seek out body heat and carbon are pretty harmless. Entomolo- as possible – and if not, don’t is at the top of the list. are, someone you know that monoxide, both of which every gists have recently done numer- make the same mistake as one Though bedbug popu- lives off campus has had bed- human constantly emits. They ous studies on feeding diseased Fordhamite who will remain lations have been on the rise bugs in the past couple years. feed on blood and are most ac- blood to bedbugs, and they have nameless did and pick up a to- for the past decade, New York At present, however, there have tive in the hours before dawn, failed to transmit every one. tally sweet couch on the side of has recently seen a marked rise been no offi cial reports of bed- biting their victims when they And since their resurgence, ex- the road. You never know what the number of reported cases. A bugs in any on-campus housing. are sleeping and preferably im- terminators have come up with might be hiding inside. 2009 survey by the city’s health An exterminator who works for mobile. What makes these para- a myriad of new (albeit slightly september 29, 2010 the paper page 5 uh-oh! salmonella-o’s! Egg Empire’s slovenly negligence poisons thousands by Sarah Madges But when did this outbreak company (not that he’s playing one end of the henhouses, and mandatory recall authority (by NEWS CO-EDITOR start? Several states saw an in- “pin-the-blame-on-the-other- push all the gases, bacteria, am- the way, as of now this recall On Wednesday, September crease in cases of Salmonella company”), a chicken feed sup- monia, and viruses and even an- is voluntary—it’s up to the su- 22nd, Austin J. DeCoster apolo- Enteritidis (that’s its adult plier, and that some of the fi lthy tibiotics out the other end, into permarkets and restaurants who gized to a Congressional panel name) cases beginning in May, conditions the FDA found were the atmosphere. It’s not surpris- carry them—and not at all le- for necessitating a half-billion according to Dr. Christopher R. “standard practice” in the indus- ing offi cials found such sloven- gally mandated), and setting up egg recall—the largest in his- Braden, acting director of food- try. Instead of a separate com- ly conditions. a schedule of inspections where tory—and sickening over 1,500 borne diseases at the Centers for pany, however, FDA inspectors You might be wondering offi cials actually go to food- people with salmonella. Austin Disease Control and Preven- went to a Wright County Egg how something on this scale processing plants (neither fac- DeCoster, called “Jack,” con- tion in Atlanta. The numbers feed mill in late August, fi nd- could happen in our post-New tory had ever been inspected by ceded that his family operation grew steadily throughout the ing salmonella in bone meal, Deal America, but it makes the top federal and state agen- “got big quite a while before summer until August, sense—put simply, cies responsible for food safety we stopped acting like we were when more than 500 the FDA doesn’t have oversight, including: the FDA, small.” Given that it is one of million recalled eggs much authority at all. the Department of Agriculture, the largest egg companies in the gave the FDA reason While the USDA is and the Iowa Department of country, it’s a wonder he didn’t to investigate. Both mandated by law to Agriculture and Land Steward- notice the fact sooner. Jack De- Wright County Egg and inspect meat at differ- ship). Coster heads both the factory Hillandale Farms’ hen- ent plants, (they do a The drive for cheap food farms affected in this recall, houses were besieged very cursory job, but has created a consolidated food Wright County Egg and Hill- by fl ies, maggots, and I won’t get into that) production system. Because of andale Farms, and has a record rodents and had ma- the FDA is regulated it, the two fi rms responsible for of health, safety and employ- nure pits piled eight feet by the honor code— this recall actually had a con- ment violations (in 1997, then- high. FDA offi cials also someone tells the FDA taminated feed supplier in com- Labor Secretary Robert Reich found that the water what the best practices mon. CAFOs, the cute acronym said conditions at his farm were used to wash the eggs Salmonella. It even makes eggs puke. are, to, say, avoid sal- for factory farms, or concen- “as dangerous and oppressive was positive for salmo- monella infection, and trated animal feeding operations as any sweatshop.”). In fact, nella. With reason to the industries police (any operation that has more DeCoster’s farms were a pri- actually look at his track record a feed ingredient, and in feed themselves. In fact, a rule (not than what’s called 1,000 animal mary source of the fi rst major for once, Congressional investi- given to young birds raised to legislation, just a rule) from “units”), are about feeding ani- outbreaks of human illness from gators found that the toxic sal- become laying hens—proof that the FDA was proposed during mals and getting them to market salmonella in the 1980s. New monella bacteria had actually we shouldn’t just worry about the Clinton administration and as quickly as possible, which York and Maryland regulators been present for years prior to what we eat, but about what we only went into effect last month, requires mechanizations—feed even banned the sale of De- the outbreak. Despite all the eat eats, too. This, of course, which proves just how hard new additives, antibiotic use, etc. Coster eggs in their states until egregious evidence, Peter De- isn’t true only for DeCoster’s regulations are to come by in Naturally, the temptation is to he allowed salmonella testing Coster, Jack’s son and the farms’ “farms.” Factory farms cram the food industry. FDA com- cut corners—and this is the re- of his farms in the eastern US. chief operating offi cer, told the chickens into tiny battery cages missioner Margaret Hamburg is sult. It only took three decades This of course didn’t help Iowa, panel at the hearing on Wednes- that are then stacked on top of urging the passage of food safe- and thousands of cases of hu- where he has fi ve farms com- day that the likeliest source of each other by the dozens. Work- ty legislation to reform these man illness for people to start plicit in the current outbreak. contamination was a separate ers have to pump clean air in at grievances, giving the FDA to care. Ding Dong, This Local Witch’s Political Career Is Dead! Corrupt Bronx State Senator Given a Run for His Money by Emily Genetta we should all do–we have to stollen fourteen million dollars well below minimum wage, as litical commentators weren’t EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR step back and take a look at his from Soundview Health Clinic, little as $1.70 an hour. so sure. After all, his opponent Democrat Pedro Espada glorious resume of fuck-ups. including $80,000 in restaurant To top it off, Pedro Espada Gustavo Rivera was a relative is the current Majority Leader Espada has been crooked for bills–$20,000 alone on sushi is hardly a Democrat. The New unknown, and people are loathe of the New York State Senate years. For the past decade, he deliveries to his Westchester York State Democratic Com- to vote for unfamiliar candi- and one of our most notable mittee tried to dates even if the alternatives alumnus. Don’t expect to see “I am not a crook... I’m an eject him from are d-bags like Espada. Thank- his face on a giant placard in alleged crook.” the party after he fully, Rivera quickly picked up the bookstore anytime soon, teamed up with steam and name recognition though; Espada is a legend in Queens Demo- with a fl urry of endorsements local politics not for any partic- crat Hiram Mon- from New York politicians who ular successes, but because he serrate (whom pointed to his community ser- is an exemplar of political cor- you might re- vice and background behind the ruption. At the moment, Espada member as the scenes in politics as reasons to –who represents much of the guy who stabbed vote for him and not just against area surrounding Fordham as his girlfriend in Espada. In his career, Rivera the Senator for the Bronx’s 33rd the face) with has worked for U.S. Senator district–is under investigation the Senate Re- Kristen Gillibrand as Director by no less than four govern- publicans in a of Outreach and was also tapped ment agencies: the Bronx Dis- power coup that by SEIU to campaign for Presi- trict Attorney, the New York shut down Alba- dent Obama during 2008. State Attorney General, the IRS, ny for close to a Yes, unlike Espada, Rivera and the FBI. This did not deter month. He does is an actual Democrat, and his him, however, from running for not support the progressive politics are the re-election in the September 14 progressive pol- proof. He ran on a platform of Democratic primary and losing icies of his party tenants’ rights, job creation, ed- spectacularly to relative politi- and is well- ucation reform, and support for cal new-comer–and generally known to be in marriage equality and reproduc- decent human being–Gustavo has been racking up tens of thou- residence. There is little debate the pockets of city slumlords. tive access. His success in the Rivera. Following his embar- sands of dollars in fi nes from the anymore over whether Espada He’s also a generally disagree- primaries has just about guaran- rassing performance two weeks New York City Campaign Fi- really does live outside the dis- able human being: when protes- teed his place in the State Sen- ago (Espada garnered just 32% nance Board and the New York trict full-time: his Bronx apart- tors harangued him in front of ate since the Bronx votes heav- of the vote), The New York State Board of Elections for his ment was found to be complete- the state capitol this summer, he ily Democratic. Still, if you’re Times celebrated with a story illegal fundraising practices. ly vacant and the other residents responded by pulling money out registered locally, you should titled “Primary Day 2010: A Lit- These include using a non-profi t of the building have never once of his pockets, crumpling it up, get out to the polls on Novem- tle Less Sleaze in New York.” community health center run by seen him go in there. As if un- and throwing it at them. ber 2nd to ensure that the Bronx To really appreciate this monu- his son as a source for campaign sure whether his impoverished It should have been a given, fi nally gets the kind of State mental relief surrounding Espa- funds (as well as the general ex- constituents hated him enough, then, that Espada would lose Senator it deserves. da’s defeat-- something which, penses of an asshole). Over the though, Espada has also (alleg- spectacularly in the primaries as members of this community, years, Espada’s alleged to have edly) paid some of his workers two weeks ago, but local po- page 6 the paper september 29, 2010 Undocumented Faker And Unafraid DREAM Act Fights Deportation of Immigrant Teens Than by Marisa Carroll conviction could result in her “Because yesterday it wasn’t FEATURES EDITOR direct deportation; the threat of just a bill that was shut down… Each year, thousands of deportation looms higher if she it was the people who sit next to children come to the United can’t afford to return to D.C. for you in class that you might not States without proper documen- a trial and a warrant is taken out know are undocumented whose tation. Approximately 65,000 for her arrest. “America is my futures and dreams were shut Truth undocumented youth graduate home, the country I would fi ght down.” from US high schools every for, the country I would die for,” Another student, Enrico, by Sarah Madges, Joe McCarthy, Nick Murray, and Sean Kel- year, but their academic integri- she wrote in a plea to the presi- said, “I too am undocumented ly ty does not buy them freedom in dent published in the “Dream and unafraid, and I will not STAFF LIARS our country. Nor does military Now: Letters to Obama” series. be silenced. The DREAM Act service—Iraq vets are coming “Please help me remain with my didn’t come up for a vote— EVERYWHERE, THE MILKY WAY GALAXY~ In a surpris- home to deportation proceed- family and friends. Please help the defense bill came up for a ingly synchronized worldwide event, humankind realized that ings more and more often while me stay home.” vote. The DREAM Act wasn’t they don’t need an iPhone, even if the iPhone 4 can solve a Rubiks the US’s “war on illegals” inten- Orozco found her voice in stopped—the defense bill was cube’s Rubiks cube, recite the Bible backwards, and enlarge your sifi es. the Immigrant Youth Justice stopped. The DREAM Act isn’t penis four inches in four weeks. Said one of the billions who real- While damning phrases like League, an activist organization dead.” Activists called for in- ized the iPhone’s overinfl ated worth, “I just want to hearken back “baby droppers“ and “illegal dedicated to empowering non- troducing the DREAM Act as to the days when there was a 160 character limit on text messages, aliens” paint these and I couldn’t search for reasonably-priced Indian restaurants in a youth as crimi- 500-foot radius while I took a shit.” “Those were simpler times,” nals on the lam, added another technologically-dazed man. As people returned to it’s hard to imag- their senses (ones that didn’t require 100+ stimuli), Steve Jobs and ine a fi ve-year-old This asshole will Blackberry president Mike Lazaridis held each other and wept for choosing where never be deported. the fi rst time since they invented an ersatz for tears in 1996. or under what cir- -SM cumstances she should live, let WASHINGTON, DC ~ Glenn Beck, conservative rabble-rouser alone conspiring of “Glenn Beck Program” fame, stormed the White House on against the United Monday, leading an irate rag-tag mob of disillusioned empty-nest- States. That was ers and walking mid-life crises. Most donning Native American the case for Myrna costumes as a tribute to the original Tea-Partiers, others sporting Orozco. Orozco’s American fl ags and southwestern attire, the coup might have been parents moved her mistaken for a massive federally sponsored game of Cowboys and and her siblings to Indians—if not for the impressive arsenal of shotguns and rocket the United States launchers. At approximately 9 a.m., as the revolutionaries held off when she was four efforts made by the National Guard to the tune of “Indian Reserva- years old. An en- tion” by Paul Revere and the Raiders, Beck himself went to make gaged student currently attend- documented youths. Whether it a standalone bill, not stuffed in negotiations with the president of the United States. Bombs burst- ing university, she excelled be through sit-ins or rallies or with defense bills or other leg- ing in air, the red glare of rockets cackling at a socialist regime’s under the looming risk of de- “coming out” activities in which islation, since justice delayed is downfall, choppers being felled and US cabinet members getting portation. Witnessing cases like deportable youths bravely share justice denied. water-boarded, the windows of the Oval Offi ce were the glass that of Eric Balderas, a Har- their experiences, strength, and One New York City ceiling of Hell as tear-streaked president Obama posed the only vard sophomore who was de- hope, IYJL pushes for legisla- DREAM Activist, Flavia (who rational question he could think of: “What is it that you want?” tained by immigration offi cials tive change and personal em- preferred not to reveal her last Beck, purportedly, remains cloistered with the president, and will last June, Orozco decided she powerment. According to the name), wrote on the IYJL blog not leave until he fi gures out this riddle. The death toll climbs by “could no longer watch as poli- Dream Activist Undocumented lessons she learned from the the hour and the Tea Party remains undecided. ticians gamble with my future Students Action and Resource Tuesday vote: “If you watched -JM and the futures of my friends, Network, activist branches are the fl oor speeches, you know family, and strangers who are in thriving in all 50 states, includ- that we learned a lot about dif- BRONX, NY ~ On Saturday, September 25, a bro in his early the same position as I am.” On ing right here in New York. ferent senators. We took notes. twenties was spotted outside the Rose Hill Apartments refusing the July 20th, Myrna was arrested Most recently, IYJL has poured We heard them talk about proce- Smirnoff Ice that was being handed to him. The bro is understood along with 20 other student ac- its energy into supporting the dure, about up and down votes, to have been taking part in the drinking game “Bros Icing Bros,” tivists in Arizona Senator John DREAM Act. The amendment and a lot of them talked about in which bros, upon being handed a Smirnoff Ice, are required to McCain’s offi ce. The students was included in the Defense wanting to discuss the merits of take a knee chug said Smirnoff Ice. However, this bro purport- were conducting sit-ins at vari- Authorization Bill along with a the DREAM Act, and only the edly refused the drink, yelling out, “SLEEP DON’T DRINK NO ous senators’ offi ces to urge change in the Don’t Ask Don’t DREAM Act, without a bundled ICES,” and disappearing into a nearby crowd. Confusion ensued, them to support the DREAM Tell policy and military spend- package of reforms.” It is likely most onlookers, themselves bros, seemed to be unaware that such Act. First introduced in 2001, ing. On Tuesday September that Senator Harry Reid won’t a refusal was possible. “At fi rst I thought I was being ice-blocked, the Development, Relief and 21st, with a 56-43 vote, the return to debate on the DREAM only he lacked the ice with which to block me,” remarked the insti- Education for Minors Act hopes Senate turned down the De- Act until after the November gating bro, before concluding that it would take a long time before to protect the rights of undocu- fense Authorization Bill and, elections, but don’t expect a lull being at peace with the night’s turn of events. mented youth. The bill would along with it, the DREAM Act from IYJL. Flavia continued, -NM ensure deportable students who amendment. “Fair enough. They want to enter the United States as mi- What could have been a talk about the DREAM Act, and GUILDERLAND, NY ~ Receiving explicit instructions from his nors, graduate from US high crushing blow to activists has just the DREAM Act? We’ll mother to do so following the discovery of a melted Nestle Crunch schools, and have lived in the instead fueled their rally cries take it. Over 70% of the coun- bar underneath the cushion of the new suede couch, area child US for a continuous fi ve year of “Down, down with deporta- try supports the DREAM Act. Tyler Wyslowski retired to his bedroom to wait until his father period, the opportunity to earn tion…Up, up with education.” Corporations like Microsoft and gets home and sees this. According to preliminary estimates by residency if they complete two At the “I Too Am America” Pfi zer support the DREAM Act, his mother, Diane, it will be “a goddamn miracle if [father] Todd years either at a four year uni- rally outside of Roosevelt Uni- universities from Harvard to the doesn’t blow his lid the second he walks in the door,” reported the versity or in the military. Since versity in Chicago on Septem- University of California support 42-year-old immediately after sending Tyler to his room to think currently alien minors can only ber 22nd, students spoke on the DREAM Act, communities about what he did. “He knows he’s not supposed to have candy obtain legal status through their their dedication to keep fi ghting of faith support the DREAM in the family room,” added Wyslowski. Based on a ruling from parents, the DREAM Act would despite the Senate vote. “Yes- Act, shoot, even Ricky Martin Tyler’s father in a case earlier this month concerning leaving the provide an individualized route terday, the futures of my friends supports the DREAM Act. Let’s hose on all day (resulting in one drowned azalea bush and a large for youth to earn citizenship and thousands of others were triple our efforts. More phone mud patch on the front yard), the child is thought to be facing up while encouraging their career voted on by elected offi cials, calls. More actions.” Undocu- to one week of chores and an approximated 27.653% reduction in and academic success. so I will not speak to you about mented and unafraid, they will TV time. When reached for comment, Tyler closed the door to his In lieu of her arrest, Oro- DREAM like it was just a piece ceaselessly continue their fi ght bedroom and began to shout that it “isn’t fair.” zco will be tried next month in of legislation,” said one student for justice. -SPK D.C. Without documentation, a to the crowd. She continued, septmber 29, 2010 the paper page 7 Fighting Fire Realer with Fired NJ Transit Worker Let Go After Burning a Koran on 9/11 than by Sean Patrick Kelly On the one hand, the burning construed as potentially under- EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR of a Koran (or any sacred text, mining the public’s trust in the On the ninth anniversary for that matter) is a heinously agency or as representing the of the September 11th attacks, offensive action that should be sentiments of the agency as a New Jersey Transit worker discouraged in all circumstanc- whole. If a police offi cer, for Derek Fenton stood outside of es and by all agencies, public instance, behaved in a similar fact Park51, the proposed site for or private. On the other hand, manner, his or her actions could the much contested Muslim cul- disagreeable as Fenton’s course be seen as an impediment to his tural center referred to by its op- of action may be, it is nonethe- or her duty as an impartial and ponents as a “victory mosque,” less a protected action under fair enforcer of the law. Since by Sarah Madges and Marisa Carroll tore out pages from the Koran the First Amendment, and pun- Fenton did not hold a position of STAFF TRUTHERS and set them ablaze in the street. ishing his free exercise of First comparable prominence or hold Two days later, after photos Amendment rights would not similar duties, his fi ring cannot of Fenton burning the pages only be unconstitutional, but be justifi ed on similar grounds. UN HEADQUARTERS, NY ~ Iranian President Mahmoud Ah- surfaced in several area madinejad gave up espousing the non-occurrence of the Holocaust newspapers, the 39-year- and actually made kind of a good point. At the United Nations on old Bloomington, NJ resi- Thursday he noted that although we are all “very saddened” by the dent was promptly termi- death of some 3,000 people on September 11th, 2001, “Up until nated from his position at now, in Afghanistan and Iraq, hundreds of thousands of people NJ Transit, where he was have been killed, millions wounded and displaced, and the confl ict employed for 11 years. is still going on and expanding.” Then again, he has also claimed Inspired by Florida in the past that nuclear programs are “illegal and against our reli- Pastor Terry Jones, whose gion,” while simultaneously patting himself on the back for refi n- threats to burn Korans on Asshole (who still ing uranium to carry out his “peaceful nuclear program” (now with the anniversary of the at- deserves his First reportedly 16 different peaceful uses!) Oh, and during that same tacks caused a national Amendment rights, UN meeting on Thursday, Ahmadinejad might have said some- uproar and provoked a unfortunately). thing about the US government being completely responsible for response from President the attacks of 9/11. We held our own, though—the US delegation Obama, Fenton insists that responded by leaving. he is a “loyal American” -SM and was merely exercis- ing his fundamental right to peaceful protest. How- ever, NJ Transit, a govern- VIRGINIA, US ~ On Thursday, September 23rd, forty-one-year- ment agency, disagrees. old Teresa Lewis became the fi rst woman executed in Virginia in In an offi cial statement, nearly 100 years, and the fi rst woman to be executed anywhere in NJ Transit claims that the US since 2005. Despite claims that she was borderline mental- Fenton’s behavior violated the would undermine free speech Additionally, fears of terrorist ly retarded with a Verbal IQ of 70 and Full Scale IQ of 72 (giving agency’s code of ethics and that rights in general. retaliation on NJ Transit trains her the intellectual ability of about a thirteen-year-old), the state of “Mr. Fenton violated his trust as Proponents of Fenton’s fi r- espouses the belief that nonvio- Virginia deemed Lewis a criminal mastermind—“the head of this a state employee and was there- ing contend that, in the current lent protest will automatically serpent.” The “serpent” she was convicted of was plotting with her fore dismissed.” political climate, volatile issues be countered with violent ac- young lover to murder her husband and stepson for their collective Fenton’s fi ring has provoked such as the controversy sur- tion—certainly not a suffi cient insurance money. That is, she didn’t even carry out the murder her- strong reactions from both sides rounding should be treated with grounds for punishing Fenton. self (it is debatable whether she could have executed—no pun in- of the debate. His Bloomington an added degree of sensitivity. From the looks of things, it tended—the plan herself), but rather hired two accomplices—21- neighbors have come out in sup- Conceivably, Fenton’s burning seems that the case will most year-old Matthew Jessee Shallenberger and his former roommate, port of his actions, calling him a of a Koran could not only cast certainly be brought to court, 19-year-old Rodney Lamont Fuller. Both were sentenced to life family man and saying, “Good a pall on the Park51 opposition and with good reason—Fen- in prison for actually doing the shooting, while Lewis got a lethal for him for burning the Koran; (as if they haven’t dug a deep ton’s constitutional right to injection after a gourmet last meal of two fried chicken breasts, everybody’s entitled to their enough hole for themselves by express himself was infringed sweet peas, a Dr. Pepper and German chocolate cake. So it goes. opinion.” Others, like Muslim this point), but also sully the upon by a state agency, and sup- -SM Public Affairs Council Salam reputation of NJ Transit (being port for this transgression has Al-Marayati, argue that Fen- a state agency) and potentially permeated the New Jersey gov- ton’s protest is sound grounds provoke a terrorist attack on ernment all the way to the offi ce of Governor Chris Chris- Man Buys Entire Fordham School for (Relative) Pocket tie himself, who described Change himself as supportive of BRONX, NY ~ If you’ve been checking your my.fordham email douche. NJ Transit’s action. The (as we all do religiously), you’ve heard that Fordham’s Coloring government of New Jersey Book Academy is putting away the Crayola for good. Thanks to supports punishing a citi- the gift of Mario J. Gabelli, CBA ’65, Fordham will now be home zen for exercising a right to the Gabelli School of Business. Sounds great, right? Fordham that they themselves exist is pretty cash-strapped these days and Gabelli—Bronx native cum to protect, a bold move in philanthropist—seems like a pretty straight-up cool dude. The one the wrong direction of First problem is the price: Gabelli’s “generous gift” of 25 million dol- Amendment protection. lars is paltry compared to what it would cost to buy a school at, (This is Terry Jones, of Despicable and irre- let’s say, any other major university in the country. Other things almost-Koran-burning sponsible as his acts may that cost 25 million: one-twelfth of the price paid to rename Uni- fame.) have been, the government versity of Chicago’s business school two years ago; one wing of still has a responsibility to one department at Harvard Law; one half of Oprah’s home located protect Fenton’s right to act near Georgetown; one sixtieth of the US’s annual military spend- as he did. To do otherwise ing; 25 of J.D. Salinger’s toilets; 1 LeBron James relationship for termination, saying, “Those trains. However, such reason- would not only undermine peo- breakup; 5,000 hours with one of Eliot Spitzer’s diamond hook- who would do such a thing ing is quite a reach. Seeing as ple’s faith in their government ers; the reward for killing 500 Kurt Cobains; the exotic wildlife at would be unworthy of public Fenton was not a representative to protect their rights, but would Hearst Castle (elephants! zebras!); and one trip to The Cheesecake employment.” of the agency (his job involved undermine the sanctity of those Factory with Father Joseph McShane. Still others, however, are in aligning train cars prior to de- rights themselves. -MC proverbial Limbo on the issue. parture), his actions cannot be page 8 the paper september 29, 2010 IT’S MY TEA PARTY AND I’LL CRY IF I WANT TO The Bitchcraft of Christine O’Donnell by Sam Wadhams tempt to live in the America of dissatisfi ed, average-Joe con- mice with human brains, and fi - ty,” and won her primary by not EDITOR-AT-LARGE the 1950s, a time when most of servative voters (with spectacu- nally, in 1998, asked, if the the- so subtly intimating that her op- Two gloomy specters have our readers’ parents were just lar amounts of never-discussed ory of evolution was true, “Why ponent was gay. hovered over the American children, is akin to one of our corporate funding). What this aren’t monkeys still evolving But Christine O’Donnell psyche of late—Justin Bieber beloved Jesuit priests behaving means is that there’s no coherent into humans?” is Trash, and America seems to and the Tea Party. Though the just as he did when he was 14. party strategy, and the grumpy But being a rube isn’t the know that. With any luck, and relative merits of each are debat- This fundamentally unsound masses are free to be steered in same as being a huckster; if she barring a total meltdown, she able, their culture signifi cance political platform, combined the direction of cheap hucksters were simply a fool she would be will be trounced in November. is not. Bieber’s prominence is with rampant anti-immigrant, and disastrous political blun- another drop of water in an end- But this is meaningless. Sarah such that paper former editor- homophobic, “that there Hus- ders. Which returns us to the less morass of political retarda- Palin was laughed out of Wash- in-chief Matt McDonough’s ington by an angry mob and still Tumblr, Bieberpuns, was fea- has a daughter on TV, her own tured on Time magazine’s web- show pending, and a paid gig site. At no other point in hu- commentating on Fox News. man history could a collection Palin quit being the Governor of of crude photoshops featuring Alaska—a real, honorable po- two-bit puns about a child pop litical gig—to shill her brand of star make it on that site.* This is who-fucking-knows-what con- a jarringly painful idea, that We servatism à la Joaquin Phoenix The People can be so transfi xed in I’m Still Here. by the human equivalent of a If Barack Obama had shiny object. O’Donnell’s past, he would be The second actor, The Tea sent out of politics by rocket Party, and its Bieber, Christine ship. But instead, the Repub- O’Donnell, are not so easy to pi- lican party has said that Ameri- geonhole. The Tea Party move- cans shouldn’t care about her ment is many things. It is con- past and instead focus on the is- cerned citizens joining together sues—the exact opposite stance to make themselves heard in the Logorrhea (n) - “Diarrhea of the they take with, well, Democrats. political arena, and reactionaries mouth,” descibing one who con- These are people who are dra- congregated to try to tear down stantly spews verbal bullshit. matically opposed to Obama’s a government they view as for- agenda, yet their main attack eign. But more than anything point is he has watered it down. else, it represents a sad therapy Make no mistake; the Tea Par- session, a promise of a big step sein Obama’s a Muslim” sen- charming tale of one Christine tion. O’Donnell is also a fraud. ty is a huddled mob of vicious backward in an ever-changing timent, represents the worst O’Donnell, who, Sarah Palin Despite being for the “working dupes, hell-bent on excising world. The subtle promise of parts of the American character. excluded, is as cheap a huckster class” “regular,” she has never everything out of the Ameri- Conservatism is maintenance of These people are vicious rubes, as they come. O’Donnell, run- worked a regular job (preferring can character that they view as the status quo. It is no coinci- avid Fox News afi cionados, ning on the standard Tea Party neoconservative Think Tanks). foreign. This is the new Know- dence the Tea Party continually panicky white folks terrifi ed by platform of less taxes, smaller She lied about being a college Nothing Party, and they are dan- harkens to the 1950s, a time of the notion that America won’t government and “fuck brown graduate for years, has fi led gerously bad for American dis- glossy-eyed idealism and Amer- continually be restocked with people,” has become a fasci- frivolous lawsuits, and shadily course. And most ironic of all, ican excellence—nevermind all Puritan refugees sailing from nating case study in Tea Party dodged bankruptcy. She owes they are causing a civil war that the segregation and simmering England. But the tremendously politics. At fi rst she was known the state of Delaware $11,000 is destroying their party from national tension. But there is powerful political anger the Tea for her staunchly anti-mastur- in back taxes, listed herself as within. God bless them, and re- no longer a Cold War. No post- Party has is being wielded about batory stance...then it came out doing “odd jobs” on her cam- member: vote Palin 2012 in the war boom where huge swaths as deftly as you could expect she practiced Witchcraft in her paign application form, and cur- primaries. of land can be turned into func- from people that can’t read the teens…then she upset Wiccans rently lives in a townhouse paid tional, affordable housing. A print on a birth certifi cate. by shitting on witchcraft. She for with campaign funds. That *It should be noted that these national economy that, you You see, kids, the Tea Party also has publicly stated she last part, by the way, isn’t par- are, in fact, hilarious. know, produces things. To at- is not an actual political party, thinks Joe Biden has tapped her ticularly legal. This is a woman but instead a loose amalgam of phones, scientists have created who Karl Rove has called “nut- Rodrigue’s Coffee House is the only student-run space on campus. We’re here to provide a space for student creative output, or just to hang out or do homework. Rodrigue’s puts on free events—concerts, open mic nights, film screenings—and serves as a space for club programming. Hours: So stop by to check out the space, see Sun: 8pm-Midnight some live music, book an event, or Mon-Tues: 10am-Midnight just to enjoy the best and cheapest (!) Wed: Noon-Midnight Thurs: 2pm-Midnight coffee, tea, and espresso on campus Fri: 10am-6pm (and it’s all Fair Trade!). Located in Alumni House, between Queens Court and Alumni Court South september 29, 2010 the paper page 9 editorials the paper’s view a case for september 29, 2010 endowment tran$parency It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood By Brett Vetterlein that here at Fordham Univer- the students will know where it Well, shit, Fordham. We and inconsiderateness of the STAFF WELL-ENDOWED sity, at this point, that is next is and what it is being used for. at the paper had ourselves a previous customers. Instead of ndowment transparency has to impossible. On top of that, This empowers us and the uni- hell of a summer. It was so lax taking our apology, the clerk Ebeen quite the buzz phrase even if we actually get transpar- versity community in general by we even postponed putting out completely dismissed it, say- in the student movement over ency and fi nd out Fordham is demonstrating that we have the this rag until basically a month ing “They’re customers...that’s the last few years— at least it invested in a company with ter- power to put forth a productive into school. Yep, while The just how people are.” seems to have become one since rible environmental practices, and benefi cial initiative with Ram was hard at work assert- The clerk’s jaded per- I joined the “movement” three then we would have to launch some of Fordham’s money, in- ing that only freshman read spective was troubling to us, years ago. And there’s good rea- a whole new campaign to either stead of simply watching it sit the paper and being a majorly because we know that a sig- son for that: the endowment is get our university to divest or in the bank. Second, we will condescending bummer to you nifi cant part of his clientele basically the savings account of to write up shareholder prox- have done signifi cant good for kids with the long distance re- consists of Fordham students the university, although instead ies and try to change the com- people who need help. Fordham lationships, we were putting who help to affi rm his concep- of being invested in one bank, it pany from within. Both could is a university that seeks to cre- away some crispy Stellas on tion of how people are. Sure, is put in various banks, corpora- be long and arduous processes; ate “men and women for others” a roof and singing Donovan some of it is the drunkenness, tions, bonds, mutual funds, etc. we’d ultimately have to orga- by giving students the tools to songs until we just about puked or the greater psyche of the The goal, to put it simply, is to nize two different movements make other people’s lives better. with camaraderie. Because Northeast that’s averse to inter- make money. The endowment simultaneously or one right af- By investing its money in credit what we wanted to do was take action with strangers, but nei- gets returns on its investments ter the other. unions or community banks, a fresh look. It was warranted ther of those things excuses us- which can be used in the univer- Instead of trying to fi nd out Fordham will have provided a after all: a fresh new year, fresh ing slurs against a man who’s sity’s operating budget to hire what is in the endowment or degree of economic empower- new staff, fresh new freshmen. simply doing his job. And we new teach- Maybe we could write about can’t help but think that it’s ers and staff; unicorns and getting up early precisely because Rose Hill is to build new to go for a run. We really did. in the Bronx, and a majority buildings, We wanted to drink away ev- of the people living here come dorms, and Fordham’s Security erything our Jesuit education from a lower socioeconomic athletic facili- Deposit Box at Suisse taught us. class than the majority of us ties; or simply Bank. But we failed (though not who are attending such a fi ne to be put back for want of trying). At fi rst, university, that this behavior is into the en- it was nice, seeing all those considered acceptable. Grant- dowment and people come back to our quiet ed, we didn’t keep focus during reinvested. little Bronx, kindred spirits we the entirety of our core orienta- So why would one day share a degree tion, but we’re pretty sure that do we care? with. But for all the Fordham this is antithetical to the whole Because it’s students leading completely “men and women for others” our school, respectable lives (to whom we thing that lies at the roots of our reputa- say: keep on keeping on), there our Jesuit education . tion, and are always those assholes. And So, for all you new fresh- because our they’re always the loudest peo- men, and all the upperclassmen tuition is an ple, aren’t they? Those people who apparently missed this investment in who completely ignore any at- fact, please note: we live in a Fordham. Just tempts by members of the local real neighborhood. Fordham is like Fordham, community (often called “lo- not a state school in the middle we want to cals”; often meaning “blacks of nowhere, nor is it the central see our mon- and latinos”) to communicate school of a college town. Real- ey used for with them and then spend their ly, we’re still in the early stages the right purposes, so we want where the budget is invested ment to the Bronx, an area that evenings causing a ruckus, of being a primarily residential transparency. We want to know and then trying to change it, we has historically been disempow- keeping up the neighbors, and college, and maybe that means that Fordham isn’t invested in a students are suggesting a better ered on several levels. Finally, generally going around like we’re still fi guring out how company like BP, which caused alternative: let’s have Fordham this will allow Fordham to send the Belmont community is the to coexist with the commu- major and most likely irrevers- move the money out of the big a message to the corporate eighteen to twenty-one-year- nity. But that’s still no excuse ible environmental damage to corporate banks and into credit banks, their CEOs, and the rest olds’ equivalent of a Discovery to treat community members the Gulf Coast, or in Xe (for- unions and community banks. of the fi nancial industry that we Zone. like they’re sub-human, to call merly known as Blackwater), This practice is called commu- don’t have to use their system This comes from a particu- them “queer,” or to keep the the private military contractor nity investment. It would re- that only privileges those at the lar “inspiration,” if you could neighbors up all night with that profi ts off of two unjust quire Fordham to take its cash top. call it that. We were at a bo- drunken gallivanting. We’re wars in the Middle East. assets— mainly those of the In short, it’s time to move dega after a night on the town, not saying don’t gallivant. By Fordham is a private school endowment and of the operating beyond simple requests for procuring some cheap and tasty all means, traipse away. Just and thus has no legal obligation budget (i.e. the “checking ac- transparency. If we want a more three dollar subs. Ahead of us remember that there are people to show us the endowment. I’ve count” of the university used to democratic university, if we in line were a group of young whose time here far surpasses asked about transparency, and pay wages, salaries, bills, and so want a better economic system, males waiting impatiently your own, and just as you the administration has answered on)— out of whichever corpo- if we want justice for the Bronx, for their sandwiches, some of (rightfully) expect guests to be that it has no desire whatsoev- rate bank it’s invested in (Bank then we want community in- them calling the man making courteous and respectful when er to let us know how our and of America, Chase, etc., the vestment. We want Fordham to their sandwiches a “queer,” ap- staying in your own home, it is the university’s money is being same banks which helped cause move its money out of the big parently under the belief that your responsibility to live up to used. Transparency movements our current economic reces- banks and into our local com- this would somehow alter the similar expectations while at are huge undertakings that usu- sion), and reinvest it into Com- munity. laws of physics such that their Fordham, rather than harvest- ally end in compromise at best munity Development Finan- sandwiches would cook more ing cynicism and destroying and a standstill or backpedaling cial Institutions, namely credit If you’d like to get involved quickly. When we confronted those expectations. Don’t be of the campaign at worst. Ask unions and community banks in moving Fordham’s money, him on the rudeness of this, we afraid to talk to your hosts, ei- the students from Take Back which specialize in providing stop by McGinley 2nd on Mon- were offered a personal meet- ther; they’re nice people, not as NYU, the New York University fi nancial services like loans and days at 6pm to meet with Ford- ing with him and his friends dissimilar from you as you’ve student group which occupied credit to individuals and small ham for the Bronx, the sub- over the issue “outside.” Ninety been taught to believe by the a building last year demanding businesses from low-income group of Progressive Students pound drunklings that we were, people who sucked air through transparency and wound up get- communities for Justice dedicated to social we declined the offer. their teeth when you told them ting arrested, suspended, and al- By doing this we are accom- and economic justice for our Though this in and of it- you were going to school in the most expelled. plishing a number of things. community. self is offensive, the worst Bronx I believe we should have First, because we will have ar- came when we went to pay. We transparency, but I also know ranged to move the money, we apologized for the disturbance page 10 the paper september 29, 2010Crass Participation: On When to Shut the Fuck Up by Lauren Duca sidering making it my major, one die. It was at this point that pens, and she loses her memory, ably one of the offenders listed STAFF “DOCTOR” which might prompt you to ask, some kid raised his hand and and he keeps taking her out. Oh! above, and the way I see it, it’s Some people , usually over- “Who the hell is this girl,who asked, in all seriousness, “What It’s called 50 First Dates!” better to be feared than loved ly-eager teachers or your mom, wants her parents to pay 50,000 about the other doctors?” Now that is undeniably ir- by people like you. So you may have told you in the past dollars a year so she can won- That’s a stupid question. ritating, but at least he’s trying can whine about it, or you can that “there are no such things der about the meaning of life, Now let’s talk about stupid to be funny; it’s pathetic and an- seek self-improvement. Dr. as stupid questions, only stupid to tell me anything?” Don’t ask comments. First off, familiar- noying, and if I could I’d take Phil McGraw once said, “You answers.” Not true. That state- that— it’s a stupid question. In ize yourself with the idea that away his privilege to ever talk can’t change what you don’t ment itself is a stupid answer any case, I was sitting in my your class is not a conversa- again I would... but his motives acknowledge.” He’s a fat imbe- to a stupid question of whether ethics class as we were begin- tion between you and your pro- are more endearing than those cile who doesn’t understand the or not there are stupid ques- ning our unit on utilitarianism, fessor. If you’d like to have a of the kid who is trying to seem basics of psychology or dieting, tions, so don’t you dare take it and my professor mentioned the one-on-one conversation with smart. This is what I was ranting but here I think he may be on to as some sort of informal permis- trolley scenario. The trolley sce- your professor, by all means about earlier with The Times: something. Want to participate sion to be stupid. Have some nario, if you’re unfamiliar with go annoy the shit out of him or keep your auxiliary intellectual in class, without fear of being self-respect and take a second to it, is a hypothetical situation of- her during offi ce hours. Dur- information to yourself. Shar- an aggravating little parasite? think before you raise your hand ten referred to in ethics classes. ing class sessions, however, if ing it does not make you seem Don’t try to be funny or smart. and muse aloud about whatever A trolley is coming down the your professor says something, worldly or informed but preten- Don’t try to be anything. Listen pops into your head. And, while tracks, about to kill fi ve people. it is not directed specifi cally at tious and annoying, and I hon- to the discussion and respond to we’re on the topic of what’s in You are standing near a switch you, and if you are respond- estly couldn’t care less about what your professor and peers your head, there’s really no need that, if pulled, could divert the ing to every word out of your the labor strike you are trying to are saying. Otherwise, kindly to share every bit of insignifi - trolley to a different track, kill- professor’s mouth like the two relate to slavery right now, you shut the fuck up. cant trivia you’ve ever stumbled ing one person instead. Do you of you are sitting down to cof- irrelevant ass-fl op. Please stop upon with your class. Yes, you pull the switch? The point of fee, chances are everyone else prostitut- happened to be feeling cultured this hypothetical scenario— as would like to pour an entire cup ing the bit Doctor Knows Best. yesterday, and on your way into is the case with nearly any hy- of it over your head. My psych of cultural your building, you grabbed a pothetical scenario proposed in class, like most, is rather large. informa- copy of The Times. And yes, an ethics class— is to hone in on I’d say there are at least fi fty of tion you’ve the fi rst article you turned to the essential principles of a giv- us. The majority sit, listen, and obtained contained some adorable blip en moral theory. Why am I ex- take notes, but there is one kid and inter- of cultural literacy that you’re plaining something so painfully who has input for literally every nalize it excited to run around mention- obvious? Because immediately other slide off the power point. for your ing to as many groups of people after this bit about the trolley, We talked about the hippocam- betterment as possible. If it relates to what my professor branched off into a pus, a part of the brain associ- instead. your class is discussing, by all parallel situation, where you are ated with memory, and he asked If I means, raise that hand with a doctor and there are fi ve mild- whether that’s what Drew Bar- seem like pride. If it can be made distantly ly injured patients and one se- rymore damaged, in “you know, a phe- relevant by a string of abstract verely injured patient. You can that movie, the one with Adam nomenal A to B to C connections, keep give all your time to the one and Sandler where..like…she’s his bitch right your mouth shut. save her, or divide it amongst girlfriend? But then she like, now, you I love philosophy. I’m con- the fi ve, save them, and let the …I don’t know, something hap- are prob- PLEASE Think Before You Ink! MUSINGS ON The Dilemmas of Tattoo Placement by Rebecca Jennings Somehow none of this stops armbands (so not acceptable for how low is too low and how right?). He said that one night, STAFF TUFF CITY-ZEN me from wanting a tattoo. It’s a white blonde girl) or those tats high is too high? What about after many a drink, he decided I recently heard a statistic something I have a hard time resembling Ed Hardy T-shirts the sideboob zone? But then to get the word Gooch… on claiming that the area around explaining to people like my on Harley-driving Hulk Hogan again, pregnancy and old age his gooch (look it up). Then he Fordham University has the mother who can’t compre- types. Plus, I think you should hold drastic consequences. I showed us. And now, with the highest number of tattoo parlors hend the possibility of seeing a have a pretty good set of guns wouldn’t want my Chinese recent trends of Vajazzling and per block in New York City, the daughter’s ink when she’s wear- before you go calling attention symbol for “peace” (joking) to vadge-dying (I wish I were kid- state, and/or the country. I don’t ing her wedding dress, or peo- to that area. look like a Jackson Pollock in ding), tats in that domain are remember specifi cally because ple who have already expressed The Wrist: In general, I 30 years. probably on the rise as well. it probably wasn’t true, but it their sentiments to me on the think wrist tattoos are seriously Back: The upper back has Ouch. reminded me of a certain some- tattoo debate: that they’re im- cool... it’s just that they’re so become a go-to spot for classy Foot: The fact that I’ve thing I have been mulling over practical, will end up saggy and out there, so in your face and celebs like Jenna Jameson, Me- heard millions and millions of for the past few months: my de- wrinkly, are a waste of money, hard to cover. Gisele Bundchen, gan Fox and Ronnie from Jer- times how much of a bitch foot cision to fi nally cave in to the are painful, and are something Leighton Meester, Jessica Alba sey Shore. But for some reason, tattoos hurt like is enough for temptations and clichés of the that in fi ve years you’ll want to and Scarlet Johansson’s wrist the lower back tattoo (a.k.a. the me to steer clear of ever getting collegiate world and get inked. rip off your body. All perfectly tats started a mass trend, but “tramp stap”) has this inexpli- one. Plus, I don’t know about During my senior year of sound reasons for most people the fact that notorious überbitch cable slut stigma attached to it anyone else, but my calloused, high school I’d often hear ru- to stay the hell away from those Kristen Cavallari has one makes that I, for some reason, cannot sandal-tanned and wider-than- mors about so-and-so’s new sketchy upstairs parlors. I have them much less appealing. understand. Personally, I think average feet aren’t exactly my tattoo, a so-and-so who you’d my own issues, however. The Back of the Neck: I red lips on the va-jay-jay should best feature. It’s sort of the same never expect to get one. I’d have The biggest problem for me fi nd that older or middle-aged be considered the tramp stamp. reason I wouldn’t get my navel to look twice when I caught a isn’t the decision of whether or people have a serious problem After all, what place besides the pierced. glimpse of a black cross on a not to get one— it’s the where. with neck tattoos. They think lower back is more discrete, less guy’s arm, a trail of stars on a It seems as though every area they’re gross. I, however, like likely to be deformed, and won’t Am I the only one who wor- girl’s shoulder, or (in one case) on my body is unsuitable for a how they look, especially on a show on my wedding day? ries about these stigmas? Re- a pair of red lips placed dan- tattoo. Especially because I’m girl, because it’s like a little sur- Lower back tattoos are perfect cently I’ve come to the conclu- gerously close to a teammate’s female, it’s particularly diffi - prise every time she ties up her for the times when you actu- sion that I care too much about down-there area. In each sce- cult to fi nd a spot that will not hair. And there are a lot of pros: ally want to show off your tat: other peoples’ opinions and nario, it was like they were in- change drastically in the next it’s not really going to change at the beach or in bed. They’re judgments, which sort of makes viting everyone around to judge twenty years and is not deemed over time (back of the neck sexy! And I hate that I can’t get me not cool enough to get a tat- their major, life-altering deci- “trashy” by society. Oh, and one wrinkles?), it’s easy to hide, and one without being called white too in the fi rst place. For now, sion. What do you say to some- that won’t show on my wedding you don’t have to look at it ev- trash. I suppose I’ll stick with my one who’s just told you they’ve day. Allow me to elaborate: ery day— you can almost forget Down-there: True story: totally rebellious ear piercings got a pair of RED LIPS on their that it’s there. while on vacation in Barbados and blame my tattoo-less body VAGINA? (And then proceeds The Upper Arm: Although Upper Breast/ Chest: Now with some girlfriends we met on the unusually lax New York to show you). WHAT DO YOU a relatively practical area, all I this is where we get into trashy a British guy who told us his safety laws. SAY TO THAT? can think about are either tribal territory. Here’s my dilemma: nickname was Gooch (I know, september 29, 2010 the paper page 11 caught red-handed marxist shoplifting: one way to utilize your white, middle-class privilege

By Tom Sliwowski out of the proletariat masses. If rect, you’re dead wrong if you the cold leftovers of Cold War- I was right. Since that day, I STAFF STICKY FINGERS you’re stealing from little mom- believe the latter two. Here’s era propaganda in which our have not bought a single pack of The most important thing you and-pop stores you’re a) not fur- why: all these giant stores have fi ne government (working with gum, I’ve gotten a free issue of need to know about Marxist thering the revolutionary cause a whole fucking protocol for big business, as always) tried to TIME magazine, and I am cur- shoplifting is that it isn’t done and b) generally being a dick. shoplifters—it’s called “shrink- justify Americans’ empty, banal rently scoping out the building for personal gain. Getting free Second, don’t only steal shit age,” and they cover these costs. consumer existences by saying so I can walk out with a gallon shit is a nice little side effect of you need— you’re not doing IF, however, enough of us brain- that defi ning ourselves with the jug of Arnold Palmer unnoticed. sticking it to those damn capi- this for yourself, you’re doing washed consumers wake up and shit we buy is actually freedom Getting high and shoplifting talist pigs, but you need to re- it for the workers of the world. start doing this on a mass scale, and wayyyy better than what is, by the way, loads of fun [ed member that this whole idea of So if you see a note: we cannot verify this!]— “personal gain” is an evil capi- pack of gum and that rush you feel as you walk talist idea in which we’ve been have an opportu- out the door has no equal, and conditioned to believe. When nity to slip it into the golden silence of alarms not you shoplift, you need to keep your pocket, DO going off soon becomes your fa- your true goal in mind and re- IT [ed note: vorite sound in the world. member that you are acting as a please don’t]. The most important thing foot-soldier for the worldwide Remember, ev- you must remember about shop- Marxist revolutionary cause; ery penny you lifting is that you’ll only get you are attacking evil corpora- steal from ass- good with practice, and the only tions; and, above all, you are hole CEOs sub- way you’ll have the motiva- subverting this giant fucked- verts their greed tion (and metaphorical balls) to up greed-based system we’ve and fucks with practice a lot is if you constant- Delicious, delicious cor- all had the misfortune of being their income. ly remind yourself why you’re porate sabotage. born into. Third, practice doing this: you are subverting I started shoplifting two whenever you the system— your role is simi- years ago in the banal depths can. Going to lar to that of all those kids who of suburban New Jersey. One Target to get do loads of community service day, my friends and I got high, school supplies? to make themselves feel better went to Walmart, and realized Steal anything small enough to we can totally subvert the sys- those damn Ruskis were doing. about being born into privilege. we were broke. Naturally our fi t into your pocket/purse [ed tem and strike a mighty blow But buying shit doesn’t make The only difference is that, rath- insatiable hunger for Cheetos note: nope, still don’t]— all to the mass market industry. If you free, it enslaves you; money er than directly helping those in and Fanta got the best of us those pens, erasers, highlighters big business tries to make up for doesn’t liberate you, it puts you need (which seems a lot more and, with much apprehension, and shit are overpriced anyway, shoplifting by raising prices for in chains. virtuous but is as effective as we pinched those tasty snacks. and you have to be vigilant all other consumers (which they So why am I writing this a band-aid is for a compound Only later did I start reading the time if you want to help the might do, those greedy fucks) nugget of wisdom? Because as fracture), you’re taking a stand excerpts from Das Capital and workers and crush the greedy then they’re just being them- soon as I found out there’s a against the very agents of op- cross-applying my blossoming pigs. selves and John Doe will very Walgreens within walking dis- pression that cause poverty and kleptomania to Marxist revolu- So if you’ve read this article likely choose to shop locally tance of the Fordham campus, I exploit social disadvantage in tionary thought. thus far, you’re probably think- rather than at Walmart (which got really baked and walked on the fi rst place. So I call you to During my shoplifting ca- ing to yourself, “Wow, what is a very, very good thing). over there. I snatched a pack of action: shoplifters of the world, reer I developed specifi c guide- a shitty article. This writer’s Additionally, you need to un- gum, made sure the undercover unite [ed note: not on our ac- lines for this brand of thievery. a douche. Shoplifting raises derstand that any apprehen- store security didn’t see me, count, please]! Dedicate the First, you should only steal prices for other customers and sions you have about Marxism, and walked out triumphantly, spoils of your exploits to the from big corporations [ed note: communism sucks.” Though communism, socialism, labor confi dent that I could outsmart revolutionary cause, aid the op- no, you shouldn’t], because fi rst two parts of this comment unions, etc. are just the results the underpaid, oppressed em- pressed workers, and stand up they’re evil and abuse the hell are probably completely cor- of you being brainwashed by ployees who work there. And to the greedy capitalist pigs! An Imagined Scene In Which I Vaguely Encounter Myself In A Semi-Public Space by Bobby Cardos refl ect on his character in some secretly popping Viagra during decided to be unseemly sounds, cripplingly self-conscious con- CO-EDITOR-IN-CHIEF weird sort of anonymous way. dates?). So now he’s standing unable to release but likewise temporary adult males contin- In a New York City offi ce Meanwhile in the stall next there, still waiting for it to be unable to just up and leave, and ues for an embarrassingly long building there is a man sitting in to him stands this guy with the ready but it not happening, not this standoff between these two time. a bathroom trying to take a shit. leather shoes that make hard happening exactly because he He has the seat all lined with raps on the fl oor with his trou- is thinking about it so much, toilet paper to keep a layer of sers unzipped and his penis but he can’t not think about it, separation between him and the out in his hands, just waiting and he can’t just leave and fi nd germs that almost certainly lie there, not waiting because he another, maybe empty, bath- festering on the toilet seat. He doesn’t have to piss but because room because that would con- is glad the bathroom is empty he doesn’t want those fi rst few fi rm everything that the guy is because it is a violent shit that spurts to be to noticeable, wants defi nitely thinking about him. he has to take, liable to make all to get the the constant stream of And the guy sitting next to him kinds of loud and quite frankly urine with as little mediation as ready to shit but unable to is still uncouth noises. All ready and possible, but not sure he is ready clenching and hoping the guy raring to go, he readies himself yet. Because he has a hard time will just leave soon, not hearing to let out this cavalcade of ex- pissing when he knows some- anything because he’s thinking crement. But just as he’s about one can hear him and precisely about this potential oppressive- to open the rectal gates, the for this reason: because if he ly loud sound he’s got inside “Hello? Anyone out door opens and the hard raps just pisses in these little spurts him, waiting to come out if only there? of leather shoes come across for a while or if the stream is he’ll let it that he doesn’t even the linoleum fl oor and into the weak and forced then this guy notice the sound of not-pissing ...... Ok, let’s do this.” other stall. He clenches, waiting in the stall next to him is going happening next to him, inches to see if it’s a piss or a shit next to think he’s some withering from his person. to him, thinking that if it’s a piss old man with a bad prostate and So the two of them sit and he can just wait it out. Because probably impotent to boot (and stand, respectively, keeping up what he doesn’t want is to let out what if this is all a sign that he their anonymous appearances this big, embarrassing, spraying does have a bad prostate and by withholding their bodily splurgy sound that’s going to is only a few years away from wastes and their collectively page 12 the paper september 29, 2010 Evicted, Not Convicted Trying to Reason With ResLife

By Chris Gramuglia rotten chicken?” I fully ad- STAFF WEARS A WIRE mit to all of this. Let’s not Yet another year at Ford- forget the doors we ripped ham has ended and you’ve off and cabinets we broke ei- cleaned out your swelter- ther, just for good measure. ing room the best you could, However, this still doesn’t triple checking to make sure change the fact that I wasn’t you’ve packed everything for given a receipt for the money the long journey to good ole I handed ResLife. I’m sure home, sweet home. You fi nal- some of our number crunch- ly go back to your family and ers in CBA would agree that fi nd each member elated that it’s simply bad business eth- her little scholar has arrived ics to not account for as much intact. Summer begins, and money as possible in a trans- you realize how boring home action. Apparently The Offi ce is when compared to the vi- of Residential Life bases its brancy of college life. Then own ethics off of those of the something arrives in the mail character Eric Gordon in Billy from your beloved venue of Madison: “Business ethics… higher learning and debauch- Well, uh, the thing about eth- ery! The maroon Fordham ics is uh…ethics are um…” logo on the envelope fi lls you Ok, maybe things got a How strikingly similar both with warmth and admiration biiiit out of hand... philosophies are! as you tear it open. Inside is I was told to e-mail Eliz- a letter from The Offi ce of roommates also incurred simi- to where exactly said money attention she shrieked, “That is abeth D’Amico asking for Residential Life— “Reslife”, as lar fi nes, drinks must have been was going with regard to the NOT an opinion! It is a stated specifi cations regarding where you’ve come to know it. While on Reslife that night; the total repairs and maintenance. She fact!” my money went, but let’s be scanning the page, your mood for our hell-hole was a sky-high then implied that the fi nes were “I’m not raising my voice,” honest: it wouldn’t have done changes from one of nostalgia six grand-plus. meant to “teach us a lesson” and I sighed, my hands folded in my the people Bernie Madoff was and joy to one of deep, sear- Recently I met with the climbed atop a moral soapbox lap. I would like to point out stealing from any good to write ing annoyance, confusion, and Area Coordinator for Integrated by accusing me of not caring that a claim such as, “fi nes are him, so I’m going to let that one pain (just think of a bee sting to Learning Communities Amy that people had to clean up our higher in the city” is not a rea- pass. the nuts.) The dollar sign at the Harper to talk about these fi nes. mess— what nonsense. Be- sonable axiom merely because Ultimately, I suggest that bottom of the page stands next “Why didn’t I receive a detailed cause of my secret love for the it was stated by someone in a students look at the inner-work- to that massive yet totally arbi- list of where each and every art of arguing, I recognized Ms. position of authority— even the ings of Reslife through a more trary number, grinning at you dollar of my money went? Why Harper’s words immediately as great Amy Harper. Also, most skeptical lens, one that might like a cocky bank robber. Re- not show me that?” I suggested, the fallacy of petito principii, city landlords ask for a deposit expose some of the shifty prac- slife is demanding payment for still nauseous from losing such or “begging the question.” She prior to damages, rather than tices going on in that basement damages to your room. Why? a huge amount of money. injected her own opinion of me demand compensation after res- offi ce. What so many of the Re- Because Reslife aims to harp on “I don‘t have the play-by- into our discussion and used it idents have already moved out. slife staffers have neglected to bogus fi nes. play,” she responded. “I can’t as a premise to justify the fi nes. The “we gave you a break” B.S. consider throughout the years is During my junior year I give you specifi cs.” Is that be- Fortunately for her, we weren’t and the guilt-laying tactics that that they are dealing with ratio- lived in Arthur House. At the cause the ‘play-by-play’ doesn’t in a courtroom, and she man- Reslife has trained its staff to nal, hard-working individuals close of spring semester I was exist? Or is it because Reslife aged to get away with it. employ are getting pretty tired, in the prime of their intellectual fi ned $838 for the year-long always pulls their fi ne amounts During another part of our if I don’t say so myself. development, not mere wallets massacre that took place in out of a mysterious, omniscient discussion she pointed out that, To some this may sound like wearing leather sandals. I think my apartment. I wasn’t given a ass instead of following what is “The fi nes aren’t as bad as they whining, and perhaps it is. You I speak for most when I say that bill, though, but a list of adjec- stated in their own handbook? could have been had you been might say that we were wrong Rose Hill’s student body has tives which included “disgust- One has to wonder… living in the city. We gave you and deserved to get fi ned. retired from bullshit and des- ing” and “hideous.” At this I After agreeing with me a break.” Excuse my bluntness, “But what about the four hu- perately wants to know what’s couldn’t help but laugh: this de- earlier in our discussion that but I nearly shat my pants in her man sized holes in the walls, happening (or not happening) in scription was one place where I was charged a large amount offi ce when she made this arro- the broken toilets, and the golf the basement of Loschert Hall. Reslife was spot on. Nice work of money, Ms. Harper contin- gant remark. It is pure opinion, ball-sized dents in the refrig- guys! Considering that my ued to dodge my questions as and when I brought this to her erator that contained diseased, september 29, 2010 the paper page 13 Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here New Student Tips The Ram Forgot

By Sam Wadhams (in terms of your personality.) babies grow STAFF EATS FOUND PIZZA You’re welcome, you ingrate up to be cow- Hello freshmen! By now fucks. boys. you’re settled in your smelly, Natural Light is the cheapest I’m pretty cell-like residences with your beer there is. You will drink a proud that hate-to-party or always-partying lot of it. Tall boys get warm and you were the roommates. Your parents have are gross. Forties are for people backup quar- left you and gone home. Odds who just think they understand terback at are if you’re Catholic, they’re irony. West Valley moping; if you’re Protestant, Yeah, the caf stinks, blah- High School they’re turning your room into blahblah. You should have been when you a home offi ce. I saw you walk- here when I was a freshman. I guys went to ing around with your parents on should have been here when the State. But freshmen move-in day. Your old seniors were freshmen. just me. No- dad was wearing a pastel polo, There are tunnels under body else sunglasses, and khaki shorts and Eddie’s where they used to cares at all. > solo presentations, quizzes > people who run the TriBar. Be your mother a blouse and skirt. wheel cadavers when Ford- When you graduate, there going out drinking with your friendly and respectful. Life You looked clean. It looks like ham still had a medical school. will be a bottom of the pile posi- friends > group presentations > just got easier. your high-functioning liver is Spooooooooooooooooky. tion open in whatever you want other homework. Pugsley’s is a lot more of a still properly processing toxins Someone knows how to get to do. Writing. Stocks. Shark If your girlfriend’s parents cultural landmark than a tasty in your body. This condition onto the roof of almost every Biology. Be the most qualifi ed dislike you based on reputation, and affordable pizzeria (see: will not last. building. The school will kick for that spot when you graduate you can still visit by lying about University, Bellini’s) So now that you’re off in the your ass if they catch you, but and you’ll have your dream job your name while you’re in their Lacrosse is a fun sport, not a world to live out your college you will make out with anyone in a couple of years. house. If you’ve already met unifying cultural movement. movie fantasies, you have to you bring there. That bottom spot will prob- them, a better back story will be Everybody gets written up at be feeling pretty good. You’re Your R.A. is probably just a ably suck. required. least once. Don’t be a nerd, but a big boy/girl now. Congratu- sophomore, and not that mean Intern. Fifteen hours of Pick a good book and read don’t think you’re a gangster lations. But with the sudden or scary. class is not a full week’s sched- it, it’ll make you less of a goon. because you can’t have a beer onset of near-adulthood comes Your freshman fl oor friends ule. Now you know. Punching people in the groin without making a ruckus. great some almost no respon- will not be your friends for all U2 is probably never com- has gone out of style. Don’t be Sleep don’t drink no beer. sibility. Still, you have ques- of college. ing back. that guy. tions. Do you think this fake ID People you know will get No means No. Wear a rub- There are a lot of twins on So now you know more of will work? (Probably) How do I kicked out, drop out, and fail ber. the football team. This is be- what you need to know and hook up with that girl? (Dazzle out. Don’t be those people. Very few of your favorite cause Tom Masella will often can be a successful, arrogant her with bright colors) What If you don’t smoke ciga- college memories will involve a tie one twin to the Metro-North freshman who willfully ignores generic posters will give the ap- rettes already, college is a fool- television. tracks on game day to motivate my advice. But it’s okay, soon pearance of depth to my bland ish time to start. College isn’t coming back the other.* you’ll be an ennui-fi lled sopho- personality? (Scarface and Cigarettes are delicious, es- later in life. Don’t half-ass it. Taking the MetroNorth is more, a vaguely capable junior, Dark Side of the Moon) Where pecially when you’re drunk. No classes on Wednesday like punching the Statue of Lib- and, eventually, bitter and terri- can I buy drugs? (Keating 100, If you’re going to be real mornings. erty in the face. fi ed senior. ask for Chris) dumb and run from security, get Somebody has to bite the Being a little gross is good Now that the question off campus. If you’re running bullet on the top bunk if you for you. A dad who can clean Go with God. and answer part is over, here are from your dorm security guard, ever want to have fun in your the gunk out of a sink was once some facts (seriously) that you it’s probably best not to come room. someone who found a whole may not know unless you have back. Term papers, fi nals > mid- pizza under his bed. And ate it. older siblings or are overly anal Mommas, don’t let your terms > tests, special projects Learn the names of the *less true. homecoming A former editors thoughts on coming home to an empty house

By Max Siegal that you don’t care about and ing where you are now. Time it’s honestly really nice. There had a beer or a glass of wine STAFF CLASS REUNION I never was interested in, but will pass. Instead, take these are all of your regular friends; and you’ll share a heartfelt, if Editors’ Note: This piece was I make it look like I’m enjoy- fl edgling graduates under your the satellite people who sort of not somewhat shallow conver- produced by an alumnus of ing myself and making more wing, give them advice, as beer- revolve around your people and sation about what you’re doing both the paper. and our fi ne money than you.” My response soaked as it may be, and let occasionally overlap in orbit; now. But it’s nice seeing your university after heartily en- to this sort of interaction is usu- them know that “the real world” the girls that you really want- former educators in this light. joying the homecoming fes- ally taking one of the pumpkins is just a cardboard platitude and ed to have sex with but never If you’re really lucky, one of tivities on eddies and in Dag- that Sterling (née Sodexho) put a false milestone. The world af- could because you were always the clubs that you used to be- ger John’s, Adhereing to the out even though it’s a fuck- ter Fordham is what you make her straight gay-best-friend and long to will be having an ac- philosophy of In Vino Veritas ing hot-as-balls September day of it, and as long as you’re spent more time talking about tive afternoon on campus and (something very close to our and shoving the gourd IN HIS not a total fuck up, it won’t be skirt pleats than sucking face; you’ll get to participate in all of hearts here at this rag), we FACE. Newsfl ash: If I didn’t fucked up. As long as you put the people who you had class your Homecoming revelry and have decided to print thus ar- want to be associated with you yourself into your endeavors with but can never remember drunken good joy. If you’re un- ticle in full, sans copyediting, before graduation, I really don’t full-stop, something decent will their names, so you make awk- lucky, you’ll step on a child that proofreading or corrections. give a shit now. You are really come along. A Fordham degree ward general comments and belongs to some middle-aged dumb. FOR REAL. (insert pic- is worth at least the paper it’s ask vapid questions that have alum who had nothing better This is about Homcoming, ture of Antoine Dodson). Also, printed on, and it’s some pretty answers like “good,” “great,” to do than drive their minivan and therefore about nothing. if you’re a guy, your penis is nice paper. Nice and thick, with “yeah, I’m in the city,” or “still into the poorest urban county in This is about homecoming, small. If you a chick, you’ve put a study feel in the hand, even if at home,” or, in other words, ir- America. But let’s not be drunk its partly a pissing contest. You on weight. it’s all printed in Roman Catho- relevant. Back to those people while writing this: it is a cur- see people that you weren’t re- Also, you’re probably going lic. that you never fucked, though. mudgeonous twat waffl e that ally friends with or never really to run into a gang of current stu- But if you do it right, Home- The thing is, as hard as you does not enjoy the yearly au- liked and you have to have the dents. I choose not to look upon coming is a wonderful reunion might try, you’re better judge- tumn convocation of their fel- whole “so what are you doing?” them with ire or disgust, an air of friends. We’re all lazy peo- ment will tell you that she still low Fordhaminians, at least for conversation because you’re of superiority shoved right up ple and its not as easy as we isn’t interested in the sex, and the fi rst few years. Don’t come stuck in line still buying drink my bottom. It’s not they know want to be to keep in touch and you should listen to Jiminy on after you’re 25, then it’s sad. tickets like a fucking asshole. nothing or haven’t done as stuff. But for one weekend in that one. He’ll steer you right. Also, this is the second ar- They’re all in your face like much as you, but it’s more like the early Fall, most everyone If you’re lucky, you’ll run ticle I’ve ever written that does “yeah, I’m doing some shit that they’re on their way to be- comes back to the Bronx and into a professor or two who’s not include a jewish joke. page 14 the paper september 29, 2010 Dungeon Masters Special Correspondent Lola von Awesome Crashes a BDSM Party

By Emily Genetta lying on the table. “Must be wearing those freaky contacts I was relieved when SAL ing Halloween for those get-ups EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR pretty cool to have your face that make your eyes look huge. came back with my drink. “You I really could not get away with This article is not about how on promotional material, huh?” He was sticking them very close ladies been having fun?” wearing at other times, like a I wound up at a fetish party— I casually asked Mistress Alex, to the face of a girl with giant “Mmmm!” we both nodded. grape suit. That’s what I was that’s an unimportant detail. I turning it over in my hand. woolen pigtails, who was slow- The truth, of course, was that two years ago, and you know may have lost a bet; or I might “And both sides, too!” ly backing away. we’d been having pained small why? Because you can’t even secretly do this sort of thing “Oh, that isn’t me.” Appar- “Oh.” I looked around talk like any strangers at any get away with being a bunch all the time; or, perhaps, I had ently there are a lot of pretty, again. “Wow! Is that-- what is party. This is the real secret of of grapes at a fetish party. You just found out that a second of middle-aged blonde dominatri- that?” I fi gured I’d run with the fetish soires: they can be as ba- might be able to get away with a my high school friends was en- ces in the city. n00b thing and so, even though nal as any other gathering, ex- sexy banana costume in a dun- gaged, and I was pretty drunk at “Really? Hmm. Well you I had read something in The cept everything is slightly more geon, though... a bar and in the middle of a mini look like her! Or she looks like Voice once about human car- awkward because of the circum- But I had not thought about quarter-life-crisis when a Seri- you! Or-- I mean, it’s a compli- pets, I pointed quizzically to the stances. Case in point: that. When I called SAL the ously Attractive Lawyer (SAL) ment.” man lying on the fl oor in front “Why don’t you take off that day before asking what ex- asked me if I wanted to go to a “No, thank you,” she sipped of the bar. coat?” Mistress Alex prompted actly I should wear, he sent fetish birthday party for a friend her scotch. “You know who you “Oh, he’s a human carpet. me as I chugged my sissy drink. me the virtual invitation, and of his and I was all, “You know look like? You probably get this His whole thing is having peo- “Oh. I-- huh-- yeah?” I puzzled over what it meant. what? YES! Yes I do!” Or none a lot…” ple stand on him.” “Here let me take it for “FETISH!Gothic Lolita/ Ste- of the above. All that matters is Zoe Deschanel? Anne Hath- “Very cool,” I nodded. you,” SAL offered. Realizing ampunk/ Rivethead/ Latex gato- that I somehow found myself away? (It’s the bangs) “Who?” “You should go try, “ Mis- I was the most clothed person philia/ DRESS TO IMPRESS!” in a bar on the Lower East Side “Sasha Grey.” tress Alex suggested. I looked in the room other than SAL and “I’m pretty sure I only know last Saturday night being intro- “Huh. I don’t know that down at my four-inch heels a few other guys in business what, like, half of those things duced to a woman in a latex I’ve gotten that one before. But and suddenly fl ashed back to suits (that’s a fetish, natch), I re- are… is ‘gatophilia’ a cat fe- nurse outfi t. thanks!” high school physics class. We moved my trench coat. Like a tish?” “This is the birthday girl, “You don’t have to dress Mistress Alex,” SAL said. like that, you know,” SAL of- “Hi! I’m… Emily…” I fered. “I mean, they’ll charge immediately regretted not you more, but… you can just having come up with a badass wear a dress.” I considered alter ego. It wasn’t an issue this and still remained entire- of anonymity (clearly); rather, ly unsure what kind of dress I fear I will have precious few that should be. opportunities in my life to go “What kind of dress-- by a nom de porn. Surely I what-- would I be the only could have made up some- person there wearing a thing even mildly acceptable dress?” on the spot, like Lola von “Eh, maybe. You never Awesome or Tits McGee… I know.” hadn’t fi nished processing my So I decided to compro- disappointment when I made mise: I wore the only semi- my next mistake. fetishy lingerie I have (garter “Why don’t you two chat belts= pin ups= fetish, right?) while I get you a drink?” SAL and put a trench coat over it asked, turning to me. “What just in case I lost my nerve. do you want?” Once I was prompted to hang “Um… a vodka cranber- up the jacket, though, I real- ry?” I may have imagined it, ized I felt much odder stand- but I thought I saw Mistress ing there looking normal; Alex give me a curious look “I mean, actually, you sort once had a math problem relat- classic pervert, I was half naked social norms are funny like that- over her tumbler of scotch as of have different faces… ” ing to the amount of pressure underneath. - they change. SAL turned towards the bar. “Yeah I haven’t really gotten an average-sized woman ex- I should take this opportu- And so I stood there in front Suddenly I was at a loss as to the sexyface down yet,” I nod- erted when she wore heels of nity to state that I am not a fan of SAL, Mistress Alex, and her how to initiate a conversation ded. Our conversation drifted different heights. I forget the of wearing lingerie outside of boy toy, and considered how with her, so I blurted out the fi rst out again and so I turned my formula as well as the answers; the bedroom. No, not even on much less awkward I felt. It thing that came to mind: “Hap- attention to her companion who what stayed with me was the special occasions. I’ve never was the perfect atmosphere to py birthday! How old are you?” had been so quiet that I almost fact that airplane manufacturers been to a college lingerie party be naked in-- besides Mistress Strike three. forgot about him. “I like your had to start using higher-grade (though I once considered put- Alex telling me I had “nice tits”, “I’m forty,” she said, sigh- dress!” I told him, fi ngering materials in the ’60’s because ting on my old lady bathrobe no one seemed to notice I was ing. the material on his open-assed women’s heels were puncturing and crashing one) because the indecent. I had entire conversa- “Oh wow! You don’t look butcher apron. “Is this latex?” the fl oors. mere thought of it makes me tions about politics, in fact, with- forty!” This was, at least, the He nodded silently. “Hmmm!” “I… don’t… my heels are despair: a bunch of drunk twen- out one drunk frat boy trying to truth. Her face was still com- I looked around desperately for pretty high. I don’t want to ty-year-olds standing around in grab me. Between that and the pletely unlined and didn’t ap- something else to talk about. puncture any organs.” their under things while nursing four other vodka cranberries, I pear to be surgically altered “Seems like that guy likes latex “Don’t worry,” she reas- Natty Lights, the females suck- was feeling super awesome by Then again, even her blood-red too!” I pointed to a man in a sured me. “He’s a pro.” I re- ing in their stomachs and won- the time SAL introduced me to lipstick and bleach-blonde hair full-body latex devil outfi t who alized she meant this literally. dering if they should let some his friends Chris and Megan. somehow appeared natural. was doing a strange half-dance And so I hobbled over to the bar guys touch their boobs and the “They’re both masochists, This is the general effect of la- a few feet away. and stepped onto of the human guys pumping their guns and but they got together anyway tex outfi ts: they make every- “Oh God.” Mistress Alex carpet, careful to put as much wondering if they should just and they’re just a great couple,” thing else look utterly normal took a sip of her drink. “Don’t weight on the bar top as I could. touch some boobs. The whole he informed me. “But they and organic in comparison. talk to that guy. He’s crazy.” For the entire ten seconds I thing reeks of sexual insecurity. don’t know how to hurt each “A few minutes ago I could I laughed, but she cut me off. was awkwardly perched there, Hell, even Halloween has taken other. So I’m going to show still say I was still in my thir- “No, seriously. He gets kicked I pictured an airplane crashing. on that sort of vaguely sad aura them.” ties.” She smiled and shook her out a lot.” Would SAL defend me if I were the older I’ve gotten; instead I sat back on a sofa-- be- head. “How old are you?” “Uh… oh… Wait, how do sued for puncturing this man’s of wearing stupid, outrageous tween an elderly man named “Twenty-one.” She nodded you know it’s the same guy?” liver? I cringed and tottered costumes, chicks my age put on Mister Anthony and his fi - as if this explained a lot. “This His face-- other than his eyes back to Mistress Alex and her underwear and animal ears, per- ance, who seemed to be about is my fi rst party,” I added, to ex- and nose-- was covered in latex boy toy. “I… couldn’t… ugh.” haps because it’s the only time my age-- and watched my date plain the rest. too. She laughed. “You’re a sub, they feel free to dress like sluts. show some girl how to properly After a brief silence, I picked “His eyes.” I looked harder huh?” I prefer dressing like a slut on paddle her man. And you know up a glossy fi ve-by-seven card at devil man and noticed he was other days of the year and sav- what? It wasn’t that weird at all. september 29, 2010 the paper page 15 arts A Black & White Film of the Grey Areas of the Holocaust by Sarah Madges despite the large audience at the see well-dressed Jews attending several scenes for the Nazis), Hersonski said: “That’s what STAFF NEWS CO-EDITOR inaugural showing of the fi lm, elegant dinners and events while and ghetto commissioner Heinz cinema does. It puts you in a I’m certain every one of us also heartlessly stepping around the Auerswald provide meticulous- darkness and transports you to In 1954, East German ar- felt as if it was just us and the dead bodies of fellow Jews left ly detailed reports of the ghetto, another reality.” Using a whir- chivists discovered Nazi-staged images throughout the stark in the street. Hersonski’s pre- shedding light on the restrictions ring projector to divide reels, A propaganda fi lm fragments from and philosophically provocative sentation of such callous scenes on Jewish life and the methods Film Unfi nished reminds us that the Warsaw Ghetto in a concrete 90-minute documentary. of “everyday” life in the ghetto of the Nazi fi lmmakers. These this other reality was once our bunker outside Berlin. In 2010, A Film Unfi nished is a com- gives witness to the Jews who confessions coupled with the reality—the blank faces of Jews Israeli director Yael Hersonski prehensive and penetrating look were unwilling but complicit survivors’ reactions elicit mixed sinking into emaciation that we resuscitated this 1942 footage into the morally murky depths actors, both afraid and in denial emotions, and they are as gruel- see actually existed. Of course, (simply called Das Ghetto) in of the now infamous Nazi-pro- of what was in store for them. ing as they are indispensable to the footage is wrenching and of- her documentary, A Film Un- duced fi lm, Das our understanding of ten painful. We see wan, skele- fi nished. On August 18, 2010, Ghetto. Shot over the Holocaust. Dur- tal fi gures shoved down a make- I went with a couple friends to 30 days in May ing one testimony, a shift chute into a mass grave, this fi lm-of-an-unfi nished-fi lm’s 1942, (only two woman asks, “What we see barely-suppressed tears, premier at the Film Forum on months before if I see someone I we see young women forced W. Houston Street. In creating deportations to know?” and covers to pose next to the corpse of a this bleak black-and-white com- Treblinka began) her face that is bathed beggar. It is mostly these still, pilation of original footage and Das Ghetto is an in the fl ickering of mute images that do the talking personal testimony, Hersonski hourlong silent the elapsing atroci- for the fi lm and carry the emo- met with and interviewed fi ve fi lm that juxta- ties as she continues tional truth of the Holocaust. Jewish survivors who actually poses random im- to watch a fi lm, as we But in spite of how emotionally experienced the fi lming fi rst- ages of starvation continue to watch the taxing the fi lm was, I think it’s hand those 68 years ago. But and death with fi lm. Another woman, something everyone needs to A Film Unfi nished isn’t like a scenes of luxury. while watching men see. The next generation won’t typical documentary, or even A Film Unfi n- and women forced at ever get to know Holocaust sur- like the poignant testimonies ished contains gunpoint into a ritual vivors, and even this generation of Holocaust survivors you’ve every reel of this found, includ- Moving methodically reel bath, begins to cry, managing learns to regard the Holocaust probably come across in your ing a long-missing reel found in by reel, Hersonski intersperses to say something to the effect merely as a textbook example of lifetime. In order to capture the 1998 containing a half hour of footage with impressions from of: “When it was happening, I something incredibly fucked up. survivors’ raw emotions, Her- outtakes showing the extent to multiple survivors, represent- couldn’t cry. But now, I am hu- A Film Unfi nished holds a mir- sonski invited survivors to at- which scenes in the fi lm were ing both the victims and the man again, and I can cry.” ror up to the horrors of the Ho- tend individual screenings in Je- staged. Having relied on the oppressors. Though one of the Hersonski thus gives space locaust, forcing us to see, and rusalem and Tel Aviv under the fi lm as an authentic record of the complicit cameramen, Willy for the recollection of memo- reminding us to bear witness. If notion that having each survivor ghetto, historians had to revise Wist, dodges around the truth in ries, engendering pathos that no one is left to do so, what kind watch the footage alone on a big interpretations with this addi- a taped excerpt of an interview, speaks to the human experi- of propaganda will we believe screen in 35 millimeter would tion that revealed the manipula- others like Adam Cherniakov, ence, while grounding us to the next? facilitate complete focus on the tions of the camera crews. Over the head of the Jewish Council past in a way that static images fi lm, so that it was “just them and over, in multiple takes, we (who lent his apartment to stage in a history book cannot. As and the images.” And strangely,

by Sean Patrick Kelly ious for the show to begin. After lyNYC’s pool parties free con- blocks, and the venue fi lled up Whether the gripes are related EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR only one song from Ninjasonik, cert series, featuring No Age, faster than people could leave to venue choice or artist lineup, the NYPD deemed the situation June 15th, 2010: offi cials Lightning Bolt, and the newly the waterfront. Thousands of the people for whom these con- unsafe and shut the show down and event staff at South Street reunited Cap’n Jazz. Perhaps the disgruntled and moist concert- certs are being presented are early. Seaport were gearing up for yet lineup was too good to be true, goers were turned away from largely unappreciative of the Predictably, chaos ensued. another free summer concert or perhaps a show that many work that goes into booking, The mob became angry (as featuring Drake; Ninjasonik; atmospheric had waited hours to producing and executing these mobs often tend to do) and and dashing, longhaired man- water va- see and were left to events. unleashed their Canadian rap- children Hanson. Presented por con- wander the streets de- A look at the notorious- deprived fury upon Pier 17’s by Paper Magazine and Ray- densed into jected. ly nasty comment section of tourist trap of a shopping mall, Ban, this was to be just one of drops heavy With as many free BrooklynVegan provides a per- becoming generally loud and many free shows to take place enough to concerts as there were fect account of how free events disorderly and tossing glass at the Seaport’s Pier 17 through- fall to the in New York this sum- are rarely appreciated and often bottles everywhere. Some of the out the course of the summer, ground mer, the occasional mercilessly derided. When this more adventurous or the crowd and indeed only one of a huge (most likely the latter), but, ei- clusterfuck seems entirely un- summer’s lineup for the Jelly climbed atop the building and number of free concerts tak- ther way, it started to rain heav- avoidable (the fact that the en- pool parties was announced, perched themselves on awnings ing place throughout the city ily. The show was moved to tire Celebrate Brooklyn series every show was blasted as and balconies, which quickly at places like the Williamsburg nearby Brooklyn Bowl, which went off without a hitch is rather lame and badly booked, with degenerated into hurl- waterfront, Prospect Park, and lightning mind-blowing in and of it- one anonymous gem stating ing tables and chairs Central Park. Given the popu- balls self). In the case of Drake- that “you can enjoy this if you into the crowd from Balls! larity of the artists (owing in gate, overzealous fans and want, but just know that it was the Pizzeria Uno res- part to copious number of Gen an undersized venue came way better last year.” (Insert taurant above. Fights Y-er’s yearning to see a Han- together to form a perfect hipster joke here.) True, there broke out, mace was son fi nally past the age of con- storm of event failure, is a responsibility on the part of sprayed and the mix- sent), the expected turnout was whereas in the case of the curators and bookers to put on ing board for the event high—around 10,000 to be ex- Lightning Bolt failure, a good show with current and was torn asunder by the act. But when the crowds began weather got the better of respectable artists, but the fact fans’ murderous paws, to gather around 3 pm, offi cials the show. But even though that these events are free seems prompting the NYPD quickly realized that their initial these highlighted failures to imbue audiences with a sort to peg the incident as a estimates were far too conser- are the exception rather of sense of entitlement even “near riot.” vative. As the hours wore on, a than the rule, audiences when they are often more diffi - Fast forward to July 25th: the crowd of approximately 25,000 has a capacity about ten times still seem to be overly demand- cult to produce than a show that Williamsburg waterfront is to fans amassed at the pier, anx- less than that of the waterfront. ing and perpetually unhappy charges admission. be host to an installment of Jel- Lines stretched around several when it comes to free shows. page 16 the paper september 29, 2010 the paper’s EVENTS

biologist. Piranha 3D comes rick Jones (Jerry O’Connell), by Keegan Talty from the producer of 300, and the director of Wild, Wild Girls, STAFF ALSO BOOBS the director, Alexandre Aja, di- similar to our Girls Gone Wild. I remember when I fi rst rected a number of horror fi lms, Derrick needs a local “sand rat” saw the trailer for Piranha 3D including The Hills Have Eyes. to show him all the hot spots, and wrote it off as a fi lm that Also, did I mention the porn and offers to pay Jake cold hard shamelessly hopped on the 3D stars? cash, not to mention the fact bandwagon. There have been All things considered, Pi- that he will also be up close and so many movies made solely ranha 3D is a pretty straight- personal with Wild, Wild Girls because producers believe that forward fi lm. Pointing out the Danni (Kelly Brook) and Crys- we have an insatiable crack-like obvious, it is a B-movie horror tal’s (Riley Steele) boobs. Jake addiction in our retinas to 3D fi lm throwback that is full of accepts and bribes his siblings And taking Lincoln Center by force and rendering its tri- that I could not be bothered to caricature acting, crazy casual- to stay out of trouble. He heads partite superstructure an apocalyptic funhouse crack-den, give Piranha 3D out to Jerry’s its fountain an ashpile of grand pianos and Maestro teeth, a second thought. boat when he the four renegade apostles took rest in the street canopies However, due This only runs into Kel- made of the natty beards taxi drivers and pedestrian proph- to viral market- makes sense ly, to whom ets fallen in the ancient rubble; and fi nding their desperate ing, Piranha 3D, with 3D glasses Jerry takes a new world saved, and seeing that it was good, they resolved would not leave liking and of- to do away hence with high society, and expensive cocktails peacefully. There fers a spot on that didn’t taste yummy, and lint rollers, and lousy jazz, and was a video on the boat. Jake Freak Folk, and fancy wedding cakes that didn’t taste yum- FunnyOrDie.com learns that Jerry my; and bathed in a new primordial stew wrought out of the that urged the Os- has the ability tears and vomit and butt-sweat of failed artists who lay slain car’s to give Pira- to “charm the glad in manholes. Go down, hence, God told them, and tell nha 3D awards. pants off any the people what to do. Tell them what’s up. That, coupled girl,” which -JM with the fact makes Jake feel that Adam Scott really uncom- What: Matisse: Radical Invention, 1913–1917 (see pg 18) (StepBrothers, fortable. Skip Where: MoMA Party Down, Boy ahead to a few When: 7/18–10/11/2010 Meets World), tequila body How Much: $12 (or free Fri 4-8) Jerry O’Connell shots and some Why: see pg 18 (Stand By Me, crazy spring Crossing Jordan, break fun and What: A BRIGHT NEW BOISE, a new play by Samuel D. Kangaroo Jack) you can guess Hunter and Paul Scheer what happens: Where: The Wild Project, 195 E. 3rd St. between Avenues (Human Gi- piranhas attack, A and B ant, The League, and it is fucking When: Wed, 9/8 @ 8:00pm – 10/2 @ 10:00pm VH1’s Best Week brutal. Also How Much: $15 or “pay what you can” on Wed Ever) were not- boobs. Why: Samuel D. Hunter is a rising playwright who has taught ed in the video, Let’s face at Fordham. “A Bright New Boise” is his third play he has put convinced me to it. You don’t out this year in New York. The synopsis: “A disgraced evan- check it out. The want to watch gelical from rural Idaho is forced to take a minimum-wage job video offers a few this movie for at the local Hobby Lobby craft store in an effort to re-unite with remarks about the gripping his estranged son. But will this miraculous reconciliation happen what goes on in storyline or the before the Second Coming of Christ?” the movie (more character rela- on that later), creating very ties, and gratuitous amounts of tionships. These are minimal What: Agentanything.com specifi c Oscar’s for scenes that tits… IN 3D! Based on the evi- and take away from the grue- Where: New York City could only exist in Piranha 3D. dent, you should really be able some death scenes. Where When: Anytime It shows you many of the actors to tell if this movie is for you or else can you see a body get cut How Much: Make at least $10 per errand in the movie, quite an impres- not. Piranha 3D delivers on its in half, the top half sliding off Why: Recently created website Agentanything.com offers sive cast, especially when you trailer promises where so many the bottom half like in a car- college students the chance to make some extra cash running consider the two porn stars. similar movies fall short. Also toon? What about someone’s simple errands (called “missions”) for rich idiots—I mean, gen- Seriously, take into account boobs. head being crushed in between erous New Yorkers. I ran one errand so far delivering a reserved the nude underwater make-out Piranha 3D takes place at two boats? And as Adam Scott bottle of wine 8 blocks away from the wine store, and made 20 scene. This is the closest thing Lake Victoria in Arizona, in a suggests in the viral marketing bucks. It’s very simple. You fi nd an errand you think you can we’ve got to 3D porn, and, let’s tiny town that sees an explo- video, how about a Piranha 3D tackle (by a given time on a given day) and accept it, after which be honest, we’re a moneyshot sion of college kids coming for Oscar for “Best Penis Being you are emailed the exact coordinates of the delivery and the cli- away from someone thinking spring break. Just before all the Gobbled and Spit Out Comi- ent’s phone number and email address. Once you complete the that’ll be awesome in 3D. fun starts, an earthquake splits cally in 3D?” These are only mission, you confi rm so on the website, the client confi rms, and So right now, look at the for- the earth’s fl oor and creates an some of the highlights, but there the money is sent to your Paypal account. Easy, easy money in mula: you’ve got an ambiguous underwater chasm that leads is much, much more. So if you da bank for all us broke idiots. movie title offering guaranteed to a subterranean lake that has are looking for a mindlessly gore scenes, a comedic cast, and housed prehistoric piranhas for merry, trashy B-movie horror What: Union Square Greenmarket girls with daddy issues. If this the past 2 million years. Jake fi lm, then I highly recommend Where: Union Square alone is not convincing enough, Foster (Steven R. McQueen), Piranha 3D. The movie hits When: Every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday then look deeper. Piranha 3D is the protagonist, is a Lake Victo- it’s marks and delivers on every How Much: however much you want to spend a remake of the 1978 Jaws paro- ria local and son of the sheriff aspect it promises. Aja takes Why: The Union Square Greenmarket, one of many around dy, so you know you can expect (Elizabeth Shue). Poor Jake is the boundaries of “too far” and the city, offers a wide range of products that are cheap, healthy, some ridiculous, over-the-top stuck babysitting his two young- shoves them in your face, go- good for the farmers, and great for the environment. From tradi- scenes. Piranha 3D brings on er siblings, while his mother is ing for the most epic, gross out tional produce to artisanal cheese to craft cider, there’s something some veteran talent. Richard out blowing up everybody’s fun. scenes imaginable, and if you’re for any taste and any budget. And here, your eggs won’t have sal- Dreyfuss comes on to play an Jake’s duties prevent him from into that kind of thing you will monella, so buy up. Just don’t break them on the subway home. almost exact replica of his char- making moves on Kelly (Jessica not be disappointed. acter in Jaws, and Christopher Szohr). However, things take Also, boobs. Lloyd plays a wacky marine a twist when Jake meets Der- september 29, 2010 the paper page 17 the paper’s show list

by Sara DeSimine a the epitome of a cracked-out ing on and around Barnes. The STAFF POMPADIZZLE zombie rave girl (sunken eyes, audience followed suit, turning sparkly eyeshadow, neon span- the fl oor into an orgy of skin and Let me preface this review dex, and a fi shnet crop top). The sweat. by admitting that I am not a equally cracked-out looking, As the set went on, melan- devout Of Montreal fan. My sweaty, drunken, glitter-covered choly was occasionally substi- musical attachment to the band crowd roared. tuted for disco. Flashing lights is pretty casual; it’s more of an stood still on-again,off- and colors again fl irta- You! Bang freely! dimmed tion than a from bright committed reds to relation- gloomy ship. But Intoxicated...most of the time blues. after repeat- Barnes woe- edly hearing fully sang grandiose “Casualty of tales of their Hey! Hope you all enjoyed your homecoming weekend You,” bring- flamboy- are at least beginning to begin to recover. Above is El Duce, ing crowd ant live sets, the alcoholic lead singer of the Mentors, and while I abso- members to a (and yes, lutely cannot condone 99% of anything he’s ever said, he slow, pulsing mostly in- gave one knee-slappin’ funny interview in a documentary sway. As the trigued by about Kurt Cobain’s death. Apparently Courtney Love of- fl oor slowed the prom- fered El Duce $50,000 to shoot Kurt in the head. He didn’t down and ise of sex, take the money, but he sure wishes he did. Or should I say the adrena- drugs, and wished, because shortly after the interview he was killed by I suddenly found that my feet line started to fade, people start- unbridled dancing) I shelled out a train while intoxicated. Go watch the documentary Kurt & were not touching the ground ed to realize how uncomfortable thirty bucks for a ticket to see Courtney. Go see these shows below. It’s all relevant because and I was being squished midair they were. A trickle of semi- Kevin Barnes and his outland- it’s all about music. between two heavily perspiring, battered attendees fl ed from the ish troupe. -CS heavyset men in full rave mode. front of the stage to the balcony. The show began abruptly What: Best Coast, Male Bonding Luckily, I was able to escape To bring back the energy, with a spotlight shining on a Where: Music Hall of Williamsburg death by sweaty-stomach-suffo- Monae emerged from behind dapper black man in a three When: Thursday, 9/30 8 p.m. cation in time to enjoy their sec- a pair of dancing alien bobble- piece suit. He spoke with a How Much: $15 ond song, “Coquet, Coquette.” heads to join the band onstage voice that matched his attire Why: Best Coast is one of many bands riding the lo-fi surf Backup dancers fi lled the stage for “For Our Elegant Caste.” and introduced the open- wave, but their lead singer Bethany Cosetino sets them apart The crowd began violently ing act, Janelle Monae, from the pack. The band was a favorite at last summer’s Pitch- pulsating. A nearby couple gushing with charisma. fork Music Festival, their album Crazy for You has cracked crit- You also need 3D giddily sang the lyrics to The jumbo-tron behind the ic’s lists and the Billboard Top 100 alike, and, hell, even Bill glasses for this one each other (“We can do it stage fl ashed a picture of Murray was spotted watching Best Coast at South By South- softcore if you want / But her head, wearing a crown west. Bill Murray, guys. you should know I take it studded with miniature both ways”). It was kinky, skyscrapers and fl oating in What: Rodrigue’s Student Music Showcase to say the least, onstage and space. This body-less im- Where: Rodrigue’s Coffee House (between Queen’s and off. age started monologuing South) To the dismay of many some futuristic gibberish When: Friday, 10/1 8 p.m. people around me, Barnes about robots talking over How Much: FREEEEEE brought the set to a close the world (the theme of her Why: Fordham students playing their music! Fair trade and before playing most of the album The ArchAndroid organic coffees and teas! Free love! Rodrigue’s opens its doors band’s older hits. But, once (Suites II and III)). Friday for Fordham bands to show off their latest and tastiest again, the band reassembled At fi rst everyone was riffs. Like an open mic, but with more people playing at the same for their encore with impos- all for it, but people soon time and longer sets. Should prove to be pretty fantastic. sible swiftness. Along with started getting antsy. The Monae and her band, Barnes, speech fi nally ended with What: Big K.R.I.T., Curren$y his seven bandmates, and all Moane and a pair of black- Where: Santos Party House of their dancers piled back bodysuit-clad backup danc- When: Tuesday, 10/5 8 p.m. onstage and performed a trio ers bursting on stage. Mo- How Much: $20 of Michael Jackson covers. nae, a petite woman with a Why: If you make the trip downtown for this one, you’ll At fi rst the crowd seemed young face, sported easily catch two of the South’s most exciting rappers. K.R.I.T. is the stunned, but by the end of the best pompadour I have relative newcomer in this double-bill. His last two mixtapes “Thriller” everyone was ever seen. I personally was (2009’s The Last King and the recent K.R.I.T. Wuz Here) show chanting along. Less talk- content simply admiring him as being strongly infl uenced by the late Pimp C both on in multicolored headdresses and ing and more dancing ensued as her gravity-defying hair, but the mic and behind the boards. Curren$y meanwhile has been bodysuits. Lights fl ash in shades they played “Wanna Be Startin’ once she started twisting, shout- bouncing around NOLA record labels for over a decade, fi nally of pink and orange. I found my- Somethin’’ and “P.Y.T.” As the ing, and singing, I couldn’t take releasing his fi rst offi cial album, the woozy, excellent Pilot Talk, self haphazardly singing along fi nal song ended and the lights my eyes off of her. She com- earlier this month. to the chorus and unleashing dimmed, the crowd cheered and manded people to dance. And my seizure-like dance moves fl ed (surprisingly calmly). they did. For the entire hour- What: Laura Stevenson and the Cans with little concern for my neigh- And so went my fi rst of Mon- long Afro-dance-punk-funk set. Where: Europa Night Club boring crowd-mates. I was offi - treal experience! It included all And it was awesome. When: Saturday, 10/23 8 p.m. cially enjoying myself. the sex, drugs, and dancing that And for a second I almost How Much: $8 Barnes continued to belt was promised, with a little MJ forgot I was there to see Of Mon- Why: Laura Stevenson and the Can’s fi rst Brooklyn show songs off of their new album, thrown in for kicks. So yeah, treal. However, (don’t worry) since the return of their US tour where they lost all their money, False Priest, supported by a I’m thinking this offi cially I was quickly reminded, when lost guitars, broke their amps and had their van hit all after the psychedelic army of fi sh-headed moved my relationship with of Of Montreal took the stage in fi rst two nights. Her tasteful blend of folk music with punk spirit robots, skulls, angels in silver Montreal from casual to hot and record speed (seriously, it was offers a range of sounds from the tenderest of ballads to fast, bikinis, faceless checkerboard- heavy. And Monae’s awesome some Harry Potter shit). The loud punk sing-alongs. The music is spot-on, her lyrics are far clad aliens, and lots of metal- pompadour was just icing on the strobe lights fl ashed, the crowd from just thrown together, and her grandfather fucking wrote lic lobster claws. “Sex Karma” already delicious, fl aming spec- violently mobbed the stage, and “the Little Drummer Boy.” Go see her. Maybe buy her a new was a crowd favorite, as dancers tacle of a cake. suddenly Kevin Barnes was guitar. wearing disfi gured pig masks front and center, looking like took the stage and started gyrat- page 18 the paper september 29, 2010 animal kingdom: a review of 2010’s most excit- ing crime drama, with only one animal metaphor by Alexander Gibbons citizen of Melbourne would, they are intent on getting out of stretched thin between the po- But the fi lm’s strongest performances CO-EDITOR-IN-CHIEF raw and devoid of all glamour. the game. Barry, the most ma- lice and his uncles, targeted by come from Jacki Weaver and Ben Men- At the fi lm’s start we are ture and realistic of the four, has police who want him to testify delsohn. Weaver is a lioness, and as the Animal Kingdom is the fi rst introduced to Josh, our pro- already done so. He’s got a wife and his uncles who want him to family’s matriarch she’s constantly wait- feature fi lm from Australian di- tagonist, played by James Fre- and child to look after and plays demonstrate his loyalty. ing in the background, careful to avoid rector David Michod, and it’s a cheville in his fi lm debut. Josh the stock market to take place of Each performance in the the particulars of her sons’ lives, willing fantastic debut. The fi lm, which sits on the couch, staring at a the extra cash he’d be making movie is incredible. The broth- to do anything to protect the wellbeing focuses on a family of criminals, game show on T.V., his mother by robbing convenience stores. ers are believable portrayals of of her boys. Mendelsohn gives prob- once feared and untouchable, passed out next to him. Only, Craig and Darren live with their grown men still wracked by sib- ably the most intense, terrifying effort on but, at the fi lm’s start, quickly wait, she’s not passed out. She’s mother, and Pope is in hiding. ling rivalry. They each fi ll their screen since Daniel Day Lewis in There unraveling, is a fresh, almost dead. Paramedics appear on He’s been targeted by the armed own niche in a family obsessed Will Be Blood. He is equal parts deranged completely original approach the scene and Josh calmly tells robbery unit of the Melbourne with honor and dominance so and immature, a grown child whose inse- to the crime genre that saturates them that his mother has well that curities manifest themselves in moments cinemas worldwide. Expect overdosed on heroin. In anyone of destruction. He’s a powder keg, bad no lavish gunfi ghts, dangerous the next scene, Josh qui- with sib- for everybody. But he’s the oldest, and hold-ups, or elaborate car chas- etly and awkwardly tells lings can his younger brothers, too scared to stand es. You won’t fi nd them here. his grandmother over the actually up to him, follow his every order. The thrills in Animal Kingdom phone that her daugh- relate to I’m excited to see where Michod’s are derived from its heavy plot ter is dead and that he the be- career goes after Animal Kingdom. His and the stellar performances of needs her help to arrange haviors directorial presence in the movie is quite an ensemble cast of Australian a funeral, all the while and in- limited. The fi lm itself is not overly styl- actors, most of whom will be fl icking peanuts across teractions ized. Instead, Michod relies on slow unrecognizable to American au- the table, as if he’s just of the zooms, sweeping shots of the Melbourne diences, save for Guy Pierce. shooting the breeze. His brothers. landscape, and a quiet soundtrack to cre- Animal Kingdom is not con- aplomb is confusing, Which is ate a foreboding atmosphere that seems cerned with the crimes its main and it is not immediate- strange, to suggest that somewhere there is al- characters, who are notorious ly clear to the audience consider- ways something absolutely terrible hap- armed robbers, commit. Our whether Josh is just in- ing their pening. The fi lm’s real strength lies in its only glimpse into the armed rob- tensely introspective or status as screenplay, also penned by Michod. beries for which the brothers are completely empty of all crimi- It seems that crime movies these feared and hunted comes dur- emotions, a sociopath. nals. Fre- days can go one of two ways. There’s ing the fi lm’s opening credits, This uncertainty greatly cheville’s the frantic, hyperactive shoot-em-ups through a series of grainy still affects the fi lm and has brooding, where huge budgets allow for cars that images made to look as though the audience constantly bumbling explode from the slightest impact, incin- they were grabbed from security questioning Josh’s moti- presence erating the big-breasted actress inside, or cameras. We see masked men in vations. is a little the Scorsesee-esque crime dramas that various stages of stealing mon- After his mother’s under- chronicle the life of a criminal or crimi- ey, each pointing their guns at a death, Josh moves in stated nals, glamorizing crime for an hour or cowering victim whose fate we with his grandmother, and I be- two with heavy style and a soundtrack do not and will never know. We played by Jacki Weaver, lieve has of pop music before concluding, some- see no violence, nor hear shouts and two of his uncles. to be in- where within the last 20 minutes, that of intimidation. But the ghostly He’s got four uncles fluenced crime doesn’t pay after all. Animal King- projections allow the audience in total, Barry, Dar- at least a dom takes neither route. Sure, the crime to form a detached opinion of ren, Craig, and Andrew, alias police force, and rumor has little bit by the fact that he’s a is there, somewhere, but it is more a the robbers before being intro- “Pope.” They are played, re- it the cops are using vigilante newcomer who has yet to dis- catalyst, a fi re to light under the feet of duced to their private lives. We spectively, by Joel Edgerton, justice to put out of commis- cover all of his skills as a per- deep characters to make them squirm view these criminals in their Luke Ford, Sullivan Stapleton, sion criminals they cannot nail former. And, of course, there’s and panic. It’s, though this is probably most base and terrifying ele- and Ben Mendelsohn. These with hard evidence. After a bru- the always-reliable Guy Pearce said too often about too many movies, an ments. It’s as if Micod wanted four brothers are our criminals. tal and unprovoked murder by as Homicide Detective Leckie, important fi lm his audience to learn about and Well aware that every criminal’s the cops, Josh is plunged into comfortable here in his native see these criminals the way a rope must eventually run out, a series of events that has him Australian drawl.

by Sam Stokes and Alex We see fi rst hand classic trade- discarded forms are not merely point as the gallery goes on to the same women. They vary Levine marks that will weave them- smudges, but rather distinct cover the painter’s career from only slightly in basic facial attri- STAFF FART HISTORIANS selves consistently throughout characters in themselves which his return from self-imposed ex- butes, but somehow each attest The current exhibit “Ma- his career, specifi cally, we see add substance and dimension ile in Morocco to his departure to a different aspect of the wom- tisse: Radical Invention, 1913– him manipulate space in works to these otherwise mysterious from Paris in 1917. Paintings en (“Jeanette 3D Imax” speak- 1917” at the Museum of Mod- such as “Bather” and “Bathers nudes. The color palette Matisse stand juxtaposed on the wall, ing to her kick-ass side). They ern Art allows for a rare insight with a Turtle.” The former de- uses is never inviting, but at fi rst reaching the same goal through do not progress in a manner in into a period of the European picts a naked man wandering in it is perhaps neutral. However, different means. For example, which each is a better represen- master otherwise left understud- a canvas of blue that leaves one the rubbing away and obscurity in one portrait he may convey tation than the other, but rather ied. Room after room reveals unsure where the some sense of growth to highlight a single aspect that another dynamic aspect to his sky ends and wa- through a rapidly devel- needs to be individually studied. work, forged from both the ad- ter begins. “Tur- oping pattern on a dress, The exhibit, “Matisse: Radi- versity he faced in the art world tle” has one of whereas in “Portrait of cal Invention, 1913–1917” and his attempt to truly repre- the central char- Olga Merson” he achieves (open till October 11) is a rare sent his subject. acters sitting, and it through smudging the insight into an understudied pe- The exhibit is accessible and only upon closer colors of the women’s riod of one of the twenty-fi rst aesthetically pleasing enough to examination does face, leaving her in a con- century’s greatest painters. Bril- be instantly engaging to the un- one question if stant state of transition. liantly, the canvas mirrors his trained viewer. Yet to those fa- she is levitat- Not only does the gallery career and artistry. Works such miliar with Matisse, it’s compa- ing in free space. allow us to see him con- as a discarded form surrounding rable to a family scandal. To one However, in the sidering the same theme, a bather and a smudge on the who has a general understand- latter there is but even the same subject. face of a Parisian woman derive ing of Matisse’s body of work, something differ- There are numerous distinctly from the same artist it’s like re-fi nding those “Men’s ent. Besides the works in which Matisse but each represent a unique part Exercise” magazines in your overtly dark tone the painting of line detail, in features such portrays the same exact subject of him that needs to be appreci- grandfathers attic all over… takes due to its ritualistic set-up as the face, forces the viewer to (women, scenery, or other in- ated. These ten years were a pe- that’s right your grandpa’s gay. of three nude women feeding a feel unsettled, in response to the variably French-looking things). riod of extreme self-discovery Nah just kidding... turtle as one eats her hand, we ambiguity. Works such as “Jeannette I,” in which Henri Matisse delib- They were your dad’s. can see the process by which This trend of Matisse-ian “Jeannette II,” “Jeanette III,” erately and systematically grew The gallery begins with his these women came to be in the norms encasing unique experi- “Jeanette 4,” and “Jeanette 3D into his role as a European mas- earlier work. The stage is set. stray marks left visible. The mentation is the true starting Imax” are all clearly busts of ter. september 29, 2010 the paper page 19 All-Stars at Yankee Stadium: All Rap and No Baseball by Danny Casarella “Square Dance,” “W.T.P,” and initially after Proof’s death. as Kanye left, out came Swizz it would have been easy to be STAFF RENEGADE “Kill You” basically into one After rattling off a few more Beatz for his collaboration on overwhelmed and not come out extended song. The back and hits, Eminem’s next guests “On To The Next One.” After the top dog of the night. Not Jay. In the middle of September, forth with the newer and older showed up which, including that, Jay performed a string of As simply as he walked onto the 45,000 New Yorkers experi- material seemed like a dubi- 50 Cent and Dr. Dre. Of all the hits by himself, including “99 stage in his classic black shades enced one of the greatest events ous idea, but Eminem deliv- guests for Eminem’s set, none Problems” and “Big Pimpin’.” and fi tted cap, Jay took com- in rap history. Twice. Eminem ered them fl awlessly. A few received a reception like Dre. Next came one of the best mand of the stage and owned it and Jay-Z fi nished up the fi rst songs later, the night’s fi rst big The crowd at Yankee Stadium parts of Jay’s set. He dedicated the entire night. leg of their “Home and Home” guests arrive. Em’s crew and was livid as the Doc ripped off a small block of songs to all the The most defi ning moment tour in Detroit and made their best friends, D12, join him on some of his own classics such as fallen solders of rap, especially of the night came about a third way to Hova’s home turf for stage for a few of their hits to- “The Next Episode” and “Noth- his good friend, B.I.G. After of the way into Jay-Z’s set. Per- the second half. After hearing gether, including “Fight Music” ing But a G Thang.” Eminem a well-done cover of “Juicy,” forming “Renegade,” Eminem all the stories of the Detroit and “Purple Pills.” In their fi - went on to fi nish his set with Jay-Z went into “A Dream,” came back out onto stage to shows, expectations were high. nal song, “My Band,” Eminem “I’m Not Afraid” and came his emotional, powerful trib- join Jay for his part in the song. They were not “Never been afraid only met but to say what’s on also exceeded. my mind/ at any Boasting a run- given time of day/ ning time of cause I’m a Ren- nearly 5 hours egade/ Never been and a star-stud- afraid to talk about ded guest list, anything (any- the two jug- thing?) anything.” gernauts of rap It got me think- somehow man- ing about the two aged to add artists and which another notch one would be con- to their already sidered THE ren- stellar careers. egade of rap today. A little bit However, it isn’t before 9pm, fair to try to crown the lights drop. one as the king of The crowd modern day rap. goes wild. The stopped the music and asked the back on for “Lose Yourself” as ute to Biggie. Then, the guests What makes them so differ- beat starts. Walking up a set of crowd to sing along with “the an encore. Lights up. I’m ready resumed. Mary J. Blige took ent is what made it absolutely stairs from under the middle real singer of the band, Proof.” to die a happy man. Oh shit, the stage to an overwhelming perfect for them to perform to- of the stage comes Marshall Proof was Eminem’s best friend wait, we’re only halfway done. reception from the crowd. Fol- gether. Eminem’s music will Mathers himself. Em begins who was shot down and killed As impressive as the list of lowing her was Drake, and after always focus more on pain and with “Won’t Back Down” off in 2006. His death forced Em special guests was for Eminem, him, with possibly the greatest overcoming obstacles, while of his latest album Recovery, to grow. Gone is the Eminem it didn’t even hold a candle to reception of the night, Beyonce. Jay will focus on...well, basi- nowhere near one of his more from the 90’s with the bleach Jay-Z’s, which rattled off guest After this string of special cally being a fucking boss. But popular songs, but the perfect blonde hair and crazy on-stage after guest, from start to fi n- guests, Hova fi nished out the the combination of these up and song to start with in my opin- antics including Jason masks ish. Only one song into his set, concert by himself with power down feelings are exactly why ion. After dealing with personal and chainsaws. All that is left Mr. West entered the building, hits such as “Empire State of these two can call themselves loss and drug addiction, Emi- behind is a driven man. A fo- and joined Jay for his verse in Mind,” ending with “Encore.” the renegades of rap. And they nem himself won’t back down. cused man. Focused on deliver- “Run This Town.” Kanye then The most impressive part of didn’t leave anything behind on What better way to assert his ing the greatest music for all of stayed on for 4 more additional Jay-Z’s set was simply his com- that stage. Anything? Anything. authority from the start? From his fans and recovering from the songs, including their “Power” mand of the stage. With all of there, Eminem goes on to com- abyss of drug abuse he fell into remix and “Monster.” As soon the special guests in his pocket, bine his next 4 songs, “3AM,” september 29, 2010 the paper page 20 the paper ’s guide to comedy podcasts

Here at the paper, when not making dick jokes, there’s a high chance we’re with our arguably classier mistress: public radio. Name dropping Ira Glass or Terry Gross will probably get you laid in these parts, as will explaining some pop-science you heard on the latest episode of Radio Lab. But when it comes to straight-up comedy, the well of public broadcast can seem aw- fully dry. We dig Garrison Keillor’s parody biscuit company ads as much as the next group of college students, but when we’re in the gym, on the train, or avoiding writing our articles, alternative comedy podcasts are the way to go. Enjoy our recommendations for free, funny audio that isn’t Car Talk.

The Comedy Death Ray Podcast Scott Aukerman and BJ Porter met while writ- WTF With Marc Maron ing for Mr. Show with Bob and David, the David Legendary stand-up Marc Maron kicked off his radio career a few years back with Air Cross/Bob Odenkirk sketch program that de- America’s Morning Sedition. After getting fi red, then rehired, then fi red again, Maron fi ned a next generation of comedy. In 2002 they took his idiosyncratic brand of broadcast to his garage and started podcasting. launched a weekly showcase at the LA branch Maron waxes neurotic in each show’s intro, but the interviews are WTF’s main draw. of the Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theater called Maron has access to alternative comedy’s heroes (Bob Odenkirk, Scott Aukerman, Comedy Death Ray to harvest their particular Maria Bamford) and villains (Dane Cook) and captures equally fascinating interviews brand of alternative humor. CDR mainstays with each camp. The key is Maron’s deep understanding of how show business works: include Zach Galifi anakis, Louis C.K., Patton namely, whether you think a comedian is a genius or a schmuck, if he has any success Oswalt, and probably everyone else who has he must have worked pretty damn hard to get there. Take two recent two-episode ep- made you laugh in the past fi ve years. Auker- ics: in the fi rst, he talks to the generally despised Carlos Mencia and tries to get to the man and Porter started podcasting a weekly bottom of why he is so generally despised (surprise, Mencia seems to be a real jerk); version of the stage show, Comedy Death Ray in the second, Judd Apatow takes Maron through his entire career and helps explain Radio, in 2009. The podcast melds conversation how a comedy-obsessed kid from Long Island became America’s biggest movie pro- with sketch and improv games, resulting in epi- ducer. Check out the episode with Reno 911’s Thomas Lennon to learn how to write sodes so packed with content you have to listen studio fi lms to pay the bills while maintaining alt-adoration or the one with stand-up twice to catch all the jokes. Rob Delaney for tips on keeping funny while kicking clinical depression’s ass.

Jordan, Jessse GO! Jordan Morris and Jesse Thorn are college buddies from the great state of California. After graduation, Jordan moved to LA to write jokes and Jesse kept broadcasting their college radio show, The Sound of Young America, which is now nationally distributed and plays Sundays on WNYC (does this mean we should do the paper forever?). A few years back, the pair reunited to hang out and record a podcast. Talk of bunny calendars and silly named actors abounds, but the pair’s killer timing and obvious affection for each other make even the most banal conversations cackle-worthy, tugging the same heartstrings as those pulled when you’re shooting the shit with your oldest pals. Guests like Paul F. Tompkins and Paul Scheer deliver, but the show also introduces you to less well known comics like W. Kamau Bell and Moshe Kasher. In fact, the show’s best all-time guest might be Gene O’Neill, who has no ties to comedy but is just a hilarious dude Jordan and The Field Negro Guide to Arts And Culture Jesse know from college. W. Kamau Bell is a stand-up comedian and self-declared Stop Podcasting Yourself race educator from San Francisco. Vernon Reid is a musi- Like JJGo, Stop Podcasting Yourself is a “couple of white dudes talking” podcast. But unlike Jordan and Jesse, cian from the heavy metal band Living Colour and was Graham Clarke and Dave Schumka are Canadians! They are therefore different! Spending time with Jordan, named #66 on Rolling Stones’s list of greatest guitar- Jesse, Dave, and Graham is anything but repetetive, in part because SPY has an ever-rotating list of segments, ist. These giant, deep-voiced men meet every so often from the standbys like “Overheard” and “Stuntcasting” to the ultra-weird like “Road to Guitar Hero” (in which to share their insight on what’s up in politics, arts, and the boys update us on their Guitar Hero ability). Another plus of SPY is the exposure it provides to our northern culture. neighbor’s comedy scene beyond Dave Coulier and everyone’s favorite human, Norm MacDonald.

I Love Movies with Doug Benson Doug Benson loves movies. Doug Benson loves comedians. I Love Movies with Doug Benson brings together his two loves (and prob- ably his third, marijuana) each week, putting comedians on stage to talk about what they have seen, what they have liked, or, often most entertainingly, what they utterly despised. Although usually recorded in LA, the show heads east to the New York UCB theatre often, so be sure to check the website for furture tapings. september 29, 2010 the paper page 21 the paper’s big list

of the Aryan nation if he weren’t out of two, right? Certainly my stadium seating just to fi nally Christmas one year (along with by the paper always surrounded by a gaggle child self would give me some catch a glimpse of you in per- my fi rst portable CD player. Ef- STAFF OF MILLIONS SEV- of large black males—Eminem credit for having a sweet city son and nearly peeing myself. fi n’ awesome) and that album ERAL used his newly developed focus apartment, even if it is in the Call up JT and make this hap- is the only one to which I still ast week half of the paper’s to jump-start his waning rap ca- entirely wrong borough. She’d pen; if Beyonce can do the old listen. This has to mean some- Leditorial staff watched the reer. And then he released two be less forgiving of the fact that band a favor, I know he can too. thing. band Pavement reunite in Cen- god-awful albums. I’m a sociology major though, Kthanks. Honestly, I have no idea tral Park, and this past weekend I’m not saying that I want because what the fuck is that? by Emily Genetta what Destiny’s Child’s fi rst al- we all were treated to the specta- Eminem to continue down a And she would have a point. EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR bum was like. Survivor was cle of drunk dads and Fordham path of self-destruction that will As I draw nearer to gradua- alright, I never really got into grads returning home to their almost surely end with him dy- tion, I’m beginning to think she The North and the South anything they released past that, alma mater. These nostalgia- ing in an extremely unattract- wasn’t completely off about our I know what you’re thinking: and Beyonce releases a few fests behind us, we wondered ive fashion, because that would career choice; I’d rather be do- the North and the South already catchy songs here and there, what else should be reunited make me a terrible person. All ing something creative. Writing got back together. They, like, but The Writing’s on the Wall (and it feels so good). I’m saying is that I miss the old counts—maybe even writing totally shook hands across the was the shit. Absolute late 90s Eminem. “Love the Way You about sociological shit counts— Mason-Dixon line way back af- girl-group perfection. And so, Pangea Lie” is a terrible song. When I but acting is just so much more ter Abraham Lincoln “fi xed” the for some time the album was Even more than I want the listen to Eminem, I expect there fun. At what point did I decide country in 1865. And that might my soundtrack. Destiny’s Child Spice Girls to get back together to be at lease fi ve dick jokes, that I had to do ‘serious’ things, be true in your liberally educat- may have been singing about and release a Taoist remix of four references to his butt, a and why, at that point, did I not ed Northeastern mind. But let’s stuff that I didn’t fully under- “2 Become 1” called “3 Be- slew of violent lyrics aimed ei- at least go all the way and pick be real: there are folks who still stand being a 10-year-old and come 1,” I want to see Pangaea ther at complete strangers or his some serious things that had call the Civil War the War of all, but I knew those lyrics well. get back together. We can talk ex-wife Kim, and a substance- career potential? I would like Northern Aggression. Shit, the I am sad to say that despite about the globalization of our less shot at some conservative to see myself reunited with my south didn’t even become The my early obsession with Des- world today and the awesome politician. And if it takes some South until after the Civil War. tiny’s Child, I never got the power of our interconnectiv- illegally obtained pain-killers, It was a pretty rough breakup: chance to see them live in any ity and the wonders it does for a ball of Afghani opium, and Lincoln got shot, Davis was of their 26 different lineups. our free market economy, but a bottle of Patron to make left with this huge inferi- LeToya, LaTavia, Kelly, Be- that’s all talk. What if all the that happen…well, shit. ority complex for losing yonce: I beg you ladies to stop countries in the world were I’m a terrible person. the war. If you had any what you’re doing, get over actually back together, like in by Alexander Gib- idea how much Ben your personal issues, reunite, the good old days—Paleozoic- bons and Jerry’s the guy and perform a show as the and-Mesozoic-era style? For- CO-EDITOR IN went through dur- original Destiny’s Child singing get cross-country road trips... CHIEF ing that time, it’d songs off The Writing’s on the we could have cross-countries break your heart. Wall. PLEASE. I’ll be there. road trips! We could reminisce Mommy and Believe me, the by Elena Lightbourn about the romanticism of cruise Daddy South tried to CHIEF COPY EDITOR liners and messages-in-a-bottle I want win back the while stoners get high and con- Mommy and North’s fa- The Hillendale High Class of coct conspiracy theories about Daddy to get vor, but it was 1984 the ocean’s plot to subsume us back together. never good Man, do you remember all. The single enormous ocean I’ve asked enough. The Donny McCallan? That kid was would be like our own commu- Santa bunches North just totally the class clown. He was nity swimming pool in which of times but he raised its nose always asking Mrs. Woodruff a we can pee and play chicken. only brought while the South question she had just answered, America would have an easier me a puppy and shuffl ed along like he hadn’t heard. She would time determining how other a nerf gun and with its head get so mad! Wasn’t it him who countries should govern them- the puppy Char- down, wonder- hung Principal Hurley’s under- selves—we could just absorb lie ate the nerf gun ing if maybe they wear from the fl ag pole right those countries and their back- and then I only see could get a pity date before Prom? And Barry Glea- wards ways. Israel and Pales- Daddy on Thursdays. from the West In- son, the quarterback for the tine might blush and admit that We eat pizza and watch dies, but they had other Hawks: he took us to States that whole Intifada bit was a little wrestling. It’s nice. plans or gave them a fake year. Oh, and Sherry Labinow- silly, and spread out to their I know that they said it number or something. So I icz! She was so cute. Head of hearts’ content. If only we could isn’t my fault but they never guess I kinda wish the North the cheerleading squad, too. I have world-piece, maybe we’d tell me why and all I want to would just lay off the South, wonder how she’s looking these have world peace! know is why they can’t be like stop criticizing their ways and days. I heard that she’s recently by Sarah Madges Chris’s mommy and daddy childhood dreams, calling them white trash and divorced. She’s got kids. Maybe NEWS CO-EDITOR anymore. I asked my teacher because I think they’re far more stuff. It doesn’t have to be a date I could see if they want to do Ms. Katie and she just gave logical than whatever it is I’m date. It can be really noncom- a playdate with my son. Wow, Eminem and His Crippling me a hug and an Oreo but then trying to accomplish right now. mittal: a cup of coffee, maybe look at Ryan Jordan’s Facebook Addiction to Drugs I dropped it but she said it was My dreams went far beyond lunch, and afternoon stroll. Just page. He’s put on some weight. So many great artists de- okay. At recess Jimmy says career and location, however. I something. I used to see him in the gym all stroy their careers by refusing to Daddy is gonna fi nd a new lady also had a plan to marry Lance by Bobby Cardos the time. Seriously, dude had curb their recreational drug use. to be my Mommy but I tell him Bass of NSYNC. That might CO-EDITOR IN CHIEF like an eighteen pack. Man, Hendrix suffocated on his own he’s wrong all the time. Why have worked out if he hadn’t we seriously had the best class vomit, Lenny Bruce died alone can’t Mommy and Daddy just been so inconsiderate as to be Destiny’s Child: The Writing’s ever. Those were really the best in a bathroom with a needle in be like they used to? gay. So listen, Lance (because on the Wall Era days of our lives. “Glory Days,” his arm, and Prince convinced by Timmy I know you read this), can you Throughout my entire life, I for sure, like the song—actu- himself that the Internet is evil STAFF GO BACK TO BED, at least get the guys back to- have owned somewhere around ally, I think that was our class and only puts numbers in your TIMMY gether? You owe me that much 12 CDs (some of which are song too! I should go see if I head. Marshall Bruce Mathers for being so damn selfi sh. You too embarrassing to mention still have a copy of that album III, aka Eminem, probably un- My Childhood Dreams and owe me that one little bit of here) so, until I discovered il- somewhere… derstood this, which is why he Me; Also, NSYNC happiness, that kind afforded legal downloading, listened to by Chas “Dog-Man” Jones quit the drugs, went to rehab, When I was eleven years old by wearing Limited Too belly the few CDs I had in my pos- STAFF THE DOG-MAN and got straight and sober. A new I fully expected to be living in shirts to (what was then) the session constantly as a kid. The man—no longer the weird white New York City by this point in First Union Center with your very fi rst of these was DC’s sec- guy whose hair would force you my life, making my living as a name written all over my body ond release—The Writing’s on to assume him to be a member broadway actress. Well... one in marker, standing up on my the Wall—which I received for page 22 the paper september 29, 2010 Perry was big this summer. Almost ten years after she be- gan recording her debut Chris- tian rock album, the—like it or not—singer-songwriter has spent the last the last few months dating a rock star, get- ting banned from Sesame Street and, oh yeah, hanging out at the top of music charts across the world. Now, just as we fi nally began to refreeze our popsicles, she’s released Teenage Dream, her second major label LP. The album begins with three consecutive Dr. Luke/Max Mar- tin pop triumphs. The title track ear Summer: I know you’re antagonist for such a fi lm. Deerhunter what it has up its sleeve. The opener has the structure of the Dgonna miss me. Lyrically, Grinderman 2 is Halcyon Digest cryptic lyrics and eerie distance duo’s past production hit “Since Dear Schoolyear: I know as lewd, violent, and depraved as Ed Zukowski of the music create a sense of U Been Gone” but with the ex- you’re gonna have a love/hate anything Nick Cave has done— dreamy otherness. At the same plosive rave synths co-producer relationship with me. in many ways uncomfortably so time, however, there’s some- Benny Blanco mastered earlier Dear Freshmen: I know coming from a 53 year old man thing intensely familiar about this year on Ke$ha’s “Blah Blah you’re still trying to fi gure and a band of similarly-aged the music. It’s really very diffi - Blah.” The song is wonderful. out exactly what the paper is. men, men whose backing vo- cult to describe; it’s the musical Without nostalgia—“Don’t ever Congrats on making it this far. cals place Cave among kindred equivalent of deja-vu. Although look back,” she tells the object You’ve now reached the section spirits. His suggestion becomes it’s all so obscured and surreal, of her affection—Perry sings of in which a bunch of us review a that he is not the exception in it just clicks in your mind and youthful hope she feels when batch of recent record releases. his lechery. Rather, the excep- you know exactly what Cox is with her lover. Dear Freshman-Who-Ap- tion is only in his willingness to getting at. “Last Friday Night proached-Me-in-Tinker’s-and- admit the lechery. But it is re- While all of the tracks are (T.G.I.F.)”—a post-hangover Asked-Me-If-He-Could-Re- ductive to suggest that Grinder- great, there are defi nitely a few anthem that follows the previ- view-Jazz-Albums: Yes! And man 2 is just about being a dirty Ever since fl agship shoegaze highlights. “Desire Lines” is in- ous song’s “no regrets” mantra sorry I was sorta belligerent. old man. The album addresses band Deerhunter announced credibly catchy and provides the and ends with an unexpect- Dear the Rest of You: Wel- a range of introspection. “Evil” their newest album via a suit- album’s most concert-friendly ed E Street Band-aping sax come to Earwax. I hope you like is a reversion to naïve youth, ably cryptic website and a fan- track. “Memory Boy” begins solo—then the ubiquitous but indie rock as much as we do. chasing around women, quick printed poster campaign back in with a blast of upbeat synth and fun-as-ever “California Gurls” to throw out whatever sentiment July, pretentious assholes every- is without a doubt the peppiest complete the album’s opening trifecta. From there it moves on Grinderman comes to mind: “O baby baby where have been holding their song Deerhunter’s put out in a to “Firework,” in which verses Grinderman 2 baby!/ Who needs the stars? collective breaths to see if Brad- while. The album’s standout build up toward the chorus’s Bobby Cardos You are my star!/ Who needs ford Cox can once more deliver track (and, consequently, fi rst the moon? You are my moon!” the goods. Afterall, splitting his single), however, is “Revival,” towering vocals and obvious, The driving song is frenetically time between creating new mu- a short, faster-paced song that dramatic synths, synths that un- drummed, as if to illustrate the sic and touring with Deerhunter perfectly encapsulates every- fortunately overshadow the fi re- feeling. More than just an old and his side band, Atlas Sound, thing that makes the band such a cracker 808s that precede them. man trying to relive his youth, he has frequently been called hit. “He Would Have Laughed” The song recalls, in fact, Kelis’s Cave is looking back to a time the busiest man in the music biz. provides a powerful and suit- “4th of July (Fireworks)” but when he saw life as much more Between the two bands, he’s put ably uncertain ending for the falls short both in ambition and simple, when just a warm body out fi ve full-length albums in album; Cox’s bewildered repeti- execution. could relieve him from the “bro- the past three years alone. No tion of “Where did my friends By sequencing it next, ken dream” he fi nds himself in. one can keep up that sort of go?” is simply spine-tingling. Perry nicely emphasizes the This makes sense coming out of schedule. The guy’s got to burn Although, I don’t think Di- love-it-or-hate-it spontaneity of “What I Know,” a musical de- out and have a tragic (read: hi- gest is quite as good as Micro- “Peacock” (the hook in its en- tirety: “I wanna see your pea- Given their musical kinship parture in which a fragile Cave larious), drug-fueled, on-stage castle or Cryptograms, it’s still cock-cock-cock, your peacock- and total membership cross- sings about coming to under- breakdown eventually, right? by all means an incredible al- cock”), but here’s where the over, it’s diffi cult to parse Nick stand disillusion throughout his Well, if Halcyon Digest is bum. The quality of the record album starts to derail. “Circle Cave’s recent output between life, eventually realizing, “Hey anything to go by, apparently is a testament to Cox’s raw tal- the Drain,” tries to come off as the Bad Seeds and Grinder- I know/ a million things/ are we’re going to be waiting a ent. Few musicians are as prolif- personal, presumably reveal- man, and the usefulness of such gonna/ happen to me/ in rooms while. In their newest album, ic as he is and among those that ing details about her relation- an endeavor is equally diffi cult that are much like these./ It the band maintains the haunt- are, none have maintained any- ship with Travis McCoy (“You to see. The critical reaction to will never be enough.” Though ing, ethereal sense of nostalgia thing near the level of quality of fall asleep during foreplay/ Grinderman has focused on sexual experience is his subject, that permeates most of their Deerhunter and Atlas Sound. Cus the pills you take are more Cave’s (admittedly notable) the narrator’s age broadens the earlier work, but for the most your forte”), but instead feels presence as a guitar player and scope to a wider disappointment part sheds the atmospheric in- like boring TMZ fodder. After the stripped down, “raw” aes- in life’s inability to satisfy, espe- strumentals that comprised that the album drags through thetic of the songs. While this cially as one gets older. much of Cryptograms. In a lot two more Gottwald/Martin was perhaps appropriate for On a basic level, Grinder- of ways, this is Deerhunter’s tracks, and two Tricky Stewart Grinderman, the second effort man 2 is appropriately titled. most accessible album. The collabs—the latter of which, fi nds their songs and album pro- The album doesn’t really trans- guitar tone is a lot cleaner with “Hummingbird Heartbeat” does duction more cohesive. They form the band’s sound; the lyr- much less reverb than usual, push the sound of both artist don’t sound like the Bad Seeds ics, even when introspective and most of the songs are far and producer in an interesting per se, but the aesthetic, both and sentimental, are nothing more conventionally structured direction—before coming to an sonically and lyrically, is there. particularly new for Cave (after than those on previous albums. unexpectedly downtrodden con- The record starts with all, “Vortex,” from their debut, It’s a great starting point for clusion in “Not Like the Mov- “Mickey Mouse and the Good- was so tender it was practically someone who has never heard Katy Perry ies.” bye Man,” a song that narrates chaste). It is rather an album any of Deerhunter’s other stuff. Teenage Dream Whereas her previous al- a violently sexual murder com- in which the band solidifi es Hell, “Basement Scene” sounds Nick Murray bum, 2008’s One of the Boys, mitted by two brothers: “We its sound. Not as charmingly like something you might hear contained a more thorough ex- sucked her and we sucked her sprawling as Grinderman, Grin- in a car commercial in a couple position of her confused indi- dry.” The song sets the tone that derman 2 still rocks hard and months. vidualist/hedonist approach to pervades the album of driving stands out as surprisingly fresh. Deerhunter’s music has al- feminism, Teenage Dream sees bass and drums topped by noisy ways seemed a little hazy and Perry working through every- guitars that switch between the out-of-focus, and despite the thing our culture promised her angularity of post-punk and an more straight-forward song- through adolescence. Her music overblown wall that recalls are- writing, Digest never once at times embraces these prom- na rock in the best way possible. comes close to being simplis- ises—as in the liberatory title “Heathen Child” starts with tic. From the mysterious fi rst track and playful pop surprises synth oscillations that wouldn’t notes of opening track, “Earth- like the “Hey Mickey”-esque be out of place on a horror fi lm quake,” to the ethereal ending vocals-over-drums interlude on soundtrack and sketches a char- of “He Would Have Laughed,” It seems unnecessary to “Peacock”—but also struggles acter that would be the perfect the album never quite reveals begin by telling you that Katy september 29, 2010 the paper page 23 through the realization that to grab onto the feeling of be- er trio. Loud and often scratchy, some of them aren’t coming ing a nerdy, teenage outsider there are few moments in their the paper’s list of songs and albums true (“Pearl,” “Not Like the they had in the beginning, six- songs that aren’t full of sound. Movies”). teen years ago, with the song Thees Portland pop-punkers you missed this summer Although the tunes some- “Trainwreck.” Lyrics that start dropped their newest album, It’s hard to describe how good summer music should sound, but, as is of- times don’t hold up, Katy Perry out about not updating blogs Personal Life, on September 7. ten the case, you know it when you hear it. Everyone has their summer clas- again proves herself to be one move towards wanting to “crash Personal Life opens with sics (for me, Big Pun’s “It’s So Hard,” OMC’s “How Bizarre,” and anything of the most zeitgeisty artists in a Diddy party in disguise.” Mr. the track “I’m Going to Change released by Cash Money Records between 1996 and 2000 will do), but pop. She peppers her lyrics with Cuomo and the band have not Your Life” and ends with “You every summer a ton of great new music gets released too, and unfortunately, phrases like “epic fail” and dis- lost their “I am just as uncool as Changed My Life.” The album we aren’t around to cover it. The folowing may not all be considered summer cusses, among other things, the you” vibe, but we all know rock is all about love, and this marks music, but they all came out this summer and they all get the official paper exclusively modern predica- stars are hiding behind those a different style for the band. seal of approval. ment of party pictures from the Buddy Holly glasses. Instead of fast-paced songs, night before being posted to the The artistic masterpiece of like “Our Trip” from Fuckin A internet. On a larger level, the the album is probably “Unspo- or “We Were Alive” off of Now YG - “Toot It & Boot It” aforementioned pseudo-fem- ken.” The song departs from We Can See, Personal Life is Okay, we’re a little late on this (the earliest youtube dates to summer 2009), inism and fi xation with youth the other tunes and focuses on a full of slower, brooding tracks. but so is everyone. After someone finally teaches you how to dougie, go look match similar trends across more melancholic side of Wee- The Thermals are at their best up Toot It & Boot It. YG’s rhymes are simple but perfect for gliding over the our age. But the best quality of zer. The lyrics “Our life will be when front man Hutch Harris beat, a slow-burner anchored by a deep bassline and a scratchy piano line Teenage Dream may be that you broken/ Our hate will be unspo- is energetic or angry—part of sample. don’t have to think about any of ken,” properly represents one of the reason why The Body, the this to enjoy it. Just dance, sing the more serious songs on the Blood, The Machine was their along, and try to fi nd desserts album. Less serious, on the oth- best album. Personal Life is Best Coast - Crazy for You that won’t melt so easily. er hand, is “Where’s My Sex,” missing the feeling of the angry Like many indie bands these days, Best Coast makes Beach Boys-influenced a song about the woes of losing diatribes against U.S. imperial- rock, only these surfer-stoners prefer bowls to blood. Lead singer Bethany a sock. “Unspoken” is mostly ism and religion that made the Constantino’s vocals are direct and to the point and combine with the music acoustic with even a little re- last album so great. Instead of below to form a sound that’s hazy, lighthearted, and fun. Just like your corder playing at parts and is sounding angry or energetic, summer. able to tug on your heartstrings, Harris sounds solemn or deject- whether you are an angsty teen ed for most of the album. It’s not or not. that The Thermals can’t pull off Willow Smith - “Whip My Hair” This was only released a couple of weeks ago, maybe making it more of an If you want to be poetic, you songs with more space; it’s just indian summer jam, but how could we not include it? Perhaps inspired both can apply the entire album to the that they are better when they by Rihanna and teen girl group Pink Dollaz across town, Will Smith’s nine- college experience. The closing are fl ying through chords and year-old has made a song that bangs more than it jerks and really makes a song, “Time Flies,” reminds us, Harris is giving the lyrics his all. lot of sense, cus who has more swag than a preteen girl? “time fl ies when you’re hav- It’s a good album, just a Weezer ing fun” and “the harder I go, little disappointing based on Hurley the more I realize/ time fl ies,” how great their last few were. Gucci Mane - Mr. Zone 6 Joanna Lynn which can be perceived as a It lacks the pep and energy of “I spent my winter in jail so I’m ballin’ all summer,” says Gucci on “Georgia’s wise reminder to value your these previous efforts. From Most Wanted,” and he’s not lying. Releasing two of the year’s best and most time in the Fordham bubble. top to bottom it’s easy to lose lyrically dense mixtapes, the Atlanta trapper-ternt-rapper picked up right By senior year, we will all have interest because of the lack of where he left off. If you spent the summer in the Midwest or the South, you memories, missing socks, and show stoppers. The instrumen- probably heard at least “Normal” blasting out of clubs and cars. If not, here’s will be wondering how the time tal work is still on point, and the your chance to see what you were missing. fl ew by so fast. increased space lets more gui- Overall, Weezer has cre- tar work shine, but the tempo ated a matured version of past stays down for too much of the Robyn - “Hang With Me” albums. Some critics may dis- album. When you think of The The hardest part about nominating something by Robyn is deciding what agree, but Weezer can still pro- Thermals you think of liveli- to nominate. There’s Body Talk Pt. 1, the first of her ongoing trilogogy of duce head-bobbing songs that ness, but Personal Life isn’t as EPs; then there’s “Dancing on My Own,” the lead single of that EP and the bros and geeks can enjoy to- lively as one would have hoped. obvious choice for this feature. Then if neither of those do it for you there’s To paraphrase Lil Wayne gether. Although lacking some One of the stand out tracks Body Talk Pt. 2, the EP which contains the version of “Hang With Me” from Weezer’s last album, Radi- of the creative juices behind the on the album is “I Don’t Believe selected here. On “Hang With Me,” Robyn sings of both the promise and the tude, “the unusual is the fucking lyrics of their fi rst few albums, You.” On this one The Thermals nervousness that comes with relationship entering into uncharted waters, and usual” for Weezer. Hurley, their Weezer has grown up, and so return to form. Its fast paced she gets bonus points for bringing down Webster Hall with the debut of this new album, is then the band’s have their songs. chords and drums and “whoas” song in one of the summer’s best concerts. usual, whatever that means. liven up the album and give it After their aforementioned col- some staying power. There are laboration with Lil Wayne on some other better songs like Lil B - “Rich Bitch” Lil B’s New York City debut was worth the price of admission for the banter “Can’t Stop Partying” and Riv- “Your Love is So Strong” and alone. At one point he yelled, “I come from Berkeley. I’m just a hippie trying ers Cuomo’s attempt at rapping “Powerlies.” What these songs to live my life,” and thus summed up his “based” ethos fairly well. “Rich in The Red Album, the peculiar- have in common is how Harris Bitch” is classic B. It’s funny, offensive, and completely baffling to those not ity of the title and cover of the delivers his lyrics. He doesn’t familiar with the rapper’s style (the song title refers to Lil B himself). Oh, and new release will not be a sur- hold back. Instead, he tells you it goes hard. Thank you based god. prise for true Weezer fans. how he feels and doesn’t try to -NM Lost fans will recognize tone it down. Harris’s song writ- actor Jorge Garcia, who plays ing skills are undeniable, and as Hurley on the TV series, as the a whole, the album reads as a Julian Lynch - Mare center of the cover art. The cov- monologue coming directly out The third album by New Jersey native and budding ethnomusicologist er comes from a candid picture of his head. Julian Lynch is an exercise in innovative minimalism and cool self-restraint. of Jorge and Rivers, taken back- The Thermals If you are a Thermals fan Lynch, with an impressive background in music theory and staggering stage at Lopez Tonight. The Personal Life or are looking for some angsty composition abilities, has sacrificed big sound and flashy displays of talent hairy yet lovable actor’s face Matt Winter punk love songs then Personal for an intimate, soporific feel that showcases Lynch’s prodigious songwrit- leaves fans not knowing what Life is the album for you. It isn’t ing and multi-instrumentation while still retaining the fuzzy bedroom- to expect from Weezer’s eighth close to the best work The Ther- recorded textures for which he is known. The album is brought to life by the album. mals have done, but it defi nitely occasional burst of exuberant synths placed artfully among thick washes of How can the album disap- has its moments. Personal Life horns, nylon string guitar, and gentle drums. point with the great opener, is worth a listen, but hopefully -SK “Memories”? The song is an the band’s next effort will be instant anthem for the bros and better. nerds alike and will have you Lower Dens - Twin-Hand Movement singing along without realizing. Jana Hunter’s new project takes from the best of reverbed infused guitar Also, the new music video fea- pop, delivering soft but memorable melodies via Hunter’s barely-there tures the Jackass guys going all vocals. She eschews the lackadaisical West Coast nostalgia that currently out, reliving their “memories,” dominates the genre and creates a darker, but more heartfelt space, with or what is left of their memories Guitar, bass, drums, and instrumentals that take you through tunnels and songs that lay you down after the brain damage they are a mic stand. According to the gently. sure to have suffered from their Thermals, that’s all you need. -BC stunts. Contrary to the increased over- The boys—or should I say production in music, The Ther- men—of Weezer are still able mals are the quintessential pow- page 24 the paper september 29, 2010