Sport p32 Misogyny p16-17 Comment p10 The freshers are annoying Rob Sturgeon on why men Rebecca Usden on why our man at John’s in can and should be allowed to atheists have more to do if they Redboy Reports enter the feminism debate want to dispel creationism

FRIDAY 8TH OCTOBER 2010 THE INDEPENDENT STUDENT NEWSPAPER SINCE 1947 ISSUE NO 724 | VARSITY.CO.UK

UNIVERSITY OF CAMBRIDGE Churchill Fellow Top Cambridge awarded Nobel Prize

talent denied visa VARSITY NEWS Professor Robert Edwards, University loses out as Indian materials scientist Emeritus Professor of Human Reproduction at the University of is refused British work permit Cambridge, has been awarded the 2010 Nobel Prize in the fi eld of Phys- OMISING INTERNATIONAL SCIENTIST WHO WAS HOPING TO BUILD A RESEARCH CAREER AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CAMBRIDG iology or Medicine. Agency rules, migrants who aim to E HAS BEEN Professor Edwards, who is also a OSAMA SIDDIQUI work in the UK must apply through Pensioner Fellow at Churchill Col- A promising international scientist the points-based assessment lege, was given the award “for the who was hoping to build a research system. development of in vitro fertilisation” career at the University has been Dr Jain required 75 points to (or IVF). IVF is a medical treat- prevented from doing so by UK qualify for a visa. His doctorate enti- ment for infertility, which allows the immigrationCOLLE A PR rules. tled him to 45 points. To secure the sperm to fertilise the egg outside Dr Prashant Jain, an Indian remainder, he would have needed the body, resulting in what is known researcher who holds a PhD in to show proof of an annual salary of as a “test-tube baby”. materials sciences, was offered £25,000 – a sum that is considered Professor Edwards began his a fellowship by the Department to be beyond what researchers typi- pioneering research on fertility of Materials and Metallurgy to cally earn at such an early stage in treatments in the 1950s, with the continue his research work at their careers. vision of being able to treat infertil- Cambridge. Dr Jain’s case has alarmed many ity by fertilising the egg outside the However, he was unable to take academics and researchers who body. Following over two decades of up the fellowship because his appli- think that the UK’s competitive- research, the world’s fi rst “test-tube cation for a work permit was turned ness in higher education and science baby” was born in 1978. down by the UK Border Agency. research could be damaged by This led to the establishment Speaking to Varsity, Dr Jain said, restrictive immigration policies, par- in 1980 of Bourn Hall, Cambridge, “I really wanted to work at the Uni- ticularly for highly skilled workers. the world’s fi rst IVF clinic. Profes- versity of Cambridge and was quite This week, eight British Nobel sor Edwards formed the clinic with disappointed when my visa was Prize laureates, including Professor his long-time research partner, Dr denied. Sir John Walker, Fellow of Sidney Patrick Steptoe, a gynaecological “I feel that the issue of visa Sussex College, signed a letter to surgeon. Since the treatment began regulations is a critical one for inter- The Times, warning that Britain’s in 1978, approximately four million national researchers, who, like me, reputation for scientifi c excellence individuals have been born with the are offered a position in a UK insti- would be jeopardized by govern- help of IVF therapy. tution, but depend on a visa to take ment caps on immigration. According to the Nobel Assembly up the position.” Despite the diffi culties that Dr Cambridge welcomes new VC at Karolinska Institutet, the body He added, “I was looking forward Jain faced with his visa, he has not rofessor Sir Leszek Borysiewicz was offi cially inaugurated to the responsible for awarding the Prize to coming to Cambridge to start as entirely ruled out a career in the Poffi ce of Vice-Chancellor of the University of Cambridge last Friday in medicine, Professor Edwards’ a postdoctoral fellow, but due to the UK. morning. The ceremony took place at Senate House and was attended by achievements “have made it pos- visa issues was forced into an uncer- “I plan to continue my research Fellows and eminent members of the University. Sir Leszek is the 345th sible to treat infertility, a medical tain position in terms of my future. in the US, considering the diffi cul- Vice-Chancellor of the University. His address focused on the importance condition affl icting a proportion of As I was unable to come to the UK, ties with taking up positions in the of the University’s collegiate success and the need to sustain a faithful humanity including more than ten I have returned to Florida State UK. However, in the future, I would but fl exible education system in the current economic climate. Before per cent of all couples worldwide. University, while I apply for other consider competitive positions in the coming to Cambridge, Sir Leszek was chief executive at the UK Medical “His contributions represent a mile- research positions.” UK if I were able to secure a visa,” Research Council. OLIVIA CRELLIN stone in the development of modern According to current UK Border he said. medicine.” Jesus grad runs Where graduates News Interview: Student FM radio Student receives The Essay p12 in by-election go next Gurbaksh Chahal launched prestigious award Science and George Owers, a postgrad- With graduate scheme appli- He has been described by This weekend brought the Peter Hatfi eld, second year religion: uate student at Jesus, has cations around the corner, Oprah as one of the world’s debut of CamFM. The entirely mathematician at Pembroke been elected to stand as the Varsity spoke to graduates, youngest and wealthiest entre- student-run station is a College, has been awarded an Peter Labour candidate for a Cam- fi nalists, and careers advis- preneurs, and has been named revamped version of CUR1350 Honorary Fellowship from Atkins bridge by-election in the ers about the many exciting as the most eligible bachelor and is intended to attract new the British Science Associa- Coleridge ward. Owers has post-university opportunities in America. Varsity spoke to listeners. Its programmes tion (BSA). The award places stood as a candidate three for Cambridge graduates, and innovator Gurbaksh Chahal will include specialist music, him alongside academic 40 > times previously, without what they need to do to get about taking risks and follow- drama and well-known celeb- giants such as Professor Sir being elected. ❯❯ p3 there. ❯❯ p4 ing your dreams. ❯❯ p6 rity guests. ❯❯ p8 David King. ❯❯ p8 9 771758 444002 8th October 2010 Something to say? 2 EDITORIAL www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

Online this week

Established in 1947 REVIEWS Issue No 724 Whether it be theatre,  lm, or the Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge, CB2 3RF latest exhibition, Varsity brings you the Telephone: 01223 337575 Fax: 01223 760949 most up to date reviews, from our most trusted reviewers. Fancy something more culinary. We’ve even got the Sainsbury’s Basics range covered.

BLOGS Work already ge ing you down? Ma hew Graduate Employment Topham has joined forces with Varsity in or many students the next few weeks will see a idiomatic platitudes. Regardless of why it should be his new column. Its sole aim? Distracting fl urry of hurried applications for myriad intern- the case, the fact remains that Cambridge students fare you from work. Fships, development programmes and graduate better than most in the job market - we’re in good shape. schemes. The range of schemes available is overwhelming and differentiating between the advertised institutions is owever, our position at the top of the CV pile TWITTER a diffi cult task. Their imperative sloganeering isn’t exactly comes with responsibilities. The nation has Make sure you’re up to date with all helpful;. will you ‘be part of it’ with JP Morgan or ‘be the invested a geat deal in educating us and rightly this week’s trending gossip.  e elusive H Cambridge Spy is out there, and if you don’t one to get ahead’ with PWC? expects a return on that investment. In the afore-men- dish the dirt for him, he’ll do the honours. As the big fi rms descend, etching their logos onto our tioned climate, the burden of social responsibility weighs Tweet him @Cambridge_Spy pavements and distributing lollipops on the Sidgwick site particularly heavy. The question we face is how best to dis- it can be easy to forget that, despite what they tell you, it charge this responsibility. A comforting 11% of employed might be possible to fi nd happiness and fulfi lment outside graduates went into the health sector in 2009, making it the magic circle. However, it would be petulant to pre- the single biggest employer of Cambridge students but tend that these fi rms don’t offer attractive packages and then the NHS is the biggest employer in Europe so this exciting opportunities for ambitious, talented students - might be expected. Only six and a half percent went into Inside this week roughly 20% of Cambridge students fi nding employment other public service roles. went into corporate jobs in 2009. The coalition’s big society policies convey the attituide All these opportunities seem to be at odds with fore- that big business will save Britain. It may well be the case COMMENT casts related to the infamous ‘economic climate’ we are that we can serve our country and earn the big bucks simul- Our demand for perpetual economic enduring. Recent graduates should be struggling to fi nd taneously. If this is the case, the downsizing of the public growth has le us unable to deal with work but while some choose to shelter in further study or sector ought not to concern us, nor should the increasing ecological crises, argues James Angel spend time abroad, the percentage of Cambridge students disparity between private abnd public sector pay. fi nding employment has risen 53.5%. This means more But we should not swallow the big society story so students are fi nding work now than they were before the easily. If the public sector continues to shrink and private recession. sector pay continues its alluring rise, we can expect a brain Consequently, it seems reasonable to conclude that drain from institutions like the civil service. And what Cambridge is not just insulated from the bitter winds of then? What happens if the private sector, swelling with FEATURES economic downturn but is actually prospering while others talent fails to convert its profi ts into benefi ts for the worst You’d be foolish to start o Week struggle. It may be that in times of strife the wheat is sep- off? In this paper, that question fi nds the right audience. 2 of this term without having a arated from the chaff, the cream rises to the top and other quick glance at this week’s College Horoscopes.

Want to work with Varsity? REVIEWS We’re the university’s pre-eminent student newspaper, founded independently Julia Lichnova and Nathanael Arno -Davies chat to Two in 1947. Our alumni include some of the country’s most respected journalists Door Cinema about Club America, electro-pop and and writers. cockroaches. To join Varsity, meet our team or to nd out more, come to our freshers’ SPORT squash: News of Cambridge’s victory in rugby against the Royal Engineers, plus this week’s Sunday 10th October, 6.30-8.30pm interview with a Blue. e Cambridge Union

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EDITOR Joe Pitt-Rashid [email protected] ASSOCIATE EDITORS Helen Mackreath & Lara Prendergast [email protected] ONLINE EDITOR David Rosenberg [email protected] DEPUTY ONLINE EDITOR Leonie Get involved James [email protected] NEWS EDITOR Osama Siddiqui [email protected] DEPUTY NEWS EDITORS Olivia Crellin & Natasha Pesaran [email protected] COMMENT EDITORS Jamie Pollock & Rhys Treharne [email protected] MAGAZINE EDITORS Alice Hancock & Charlotte Wu [email protected] SPORT EDITOR Alex Kennedy [email protected] FEATURES EDITOR Lydia Onyett [email protected] ARTS If you would like to fi nd out how EDITORS Eliot D’Silva & Zeljka Marosevic [email protected] THEATRE EDITOR Edward Herring [email protected] REVIEWS & LISTINGS EDITORS Julia Lichnova & David Shone [email protected] FASHION to write for Varsity, come to one EDITORS Louise Benson, Jess Kwong & Pete Morelli [email protected] SATIRE EDITORS Alex Owen & Ben Ashenden [email protected] of our weekly meetings. SENIOR REPORTERS Jane Ashford Thom, Torsten Geelan & Jessie Waldman [email protected] THEATRE CRITICS Michael Christie, Siobhan Forshaw, Helen Young, Matt Russell, George Johnston & Laura Peatman [email protected] FOOD & DRINK CRITICS Lettice Franklin & Alex Lass [email protected] MUSIC CRITICS Nathan Arnott-Davies, Ellie Brindle, Sam Gould & Katya Herman music@varsity. News: Monday 4pm, Pembroke co.uk FILM CRITIC Alice Bolland fi [email protected] VISUAL ARTS CRITIC Yates Norton [email protected] LITERARY CRITIC Sophie Peacock [email protected] College Bar PRODUCTION MANAGER Hugo Gye [email protected] SUB-EDITORS Jonny Aldridge, Olivia Anness, Henry Drummond, Donald Futers, Angela Scarsbrook, Charlotte Sewell & Leonie Taylor [email protected] BUSINESS & ADVERTISING MANAGER Michael Derringer [email protected] BOARD OF DIRECTORS Dr Michael Franklin (Chair), Prof. Peter Robinson, Dr Tim Harris, Mr Chris Wright, Mr Michael Derringer, Mr Magazine: Wednesday 5pm, The Hugo Gye (VarSoc President), Mr Laurie Tuffrey, Mr Paul Smith, Miss Avantika Chilkoti, Miss Helen Mackreath & Mr Josef Pitt-Rashid Maypole (Portugal Place) For VarsiTV enquiries: [email protected] Alternatively, email the relevant NEWSPAPERS SUPPORT Varsity, Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge CB2 3RF. Tel 01223 337575. Fax 01223 760949. Varsity is published by Varsity Publications Ltd. Varsity Publications also publishes BlueSci and The Mays. section editor (right) with your RECYCLING Recycled paper made ©2010 Varsity Publications Ltd. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical photocopying, recording or otherwise without up 87.2% of the raw ideas. material for UK prior permission of the publisher. Printed at Iliffe Print Cambridge — Winship Road, Milton, Cambridge CB24 6PP on 48gsm UPM Matt Paper. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Offi ce. ISSN 1758-4442 newspapers in 2008 NEWSPAPERS SUPPORT RECYCLING News team: Osama Siddiqui, Olivia Crellin & Natasha Pesaran 8th October 2010 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk NewS 3 Owers to stand in local by-election Conservators crack down on Jesus postgrad will run as Labour candidate in Coleridge reckless punting

george owers positive light: “His efforts and intel- conduct, particularly overloading Jonny aldridge & lizzie bateman ben richardson ligence are matched with formidable and deliberate bumping, would be A postgrad student has been elected election experience, desipite his rel- New punting regulations have been less likely under the new rules. to run as Labour candidate for a ative youth,” proposed in an attempt to improve Dr James Kelly, Senior Tutor Cambridge by-election. Mr Owers has an impressive safety on the River Cam. of Queens’ College, welcomed George Bernard Owers, 21, is to record supporting the local area, The suggestions include a 17-year the proposals, “The Backs do get run in the Coleridge by-election including a successfull campaign to old age limit on skippers, a minimum extraordinarily congested in the next month after Chris Howell, the keep marshals in Cambridge. hiring age of 16, and both mandatory height of summer.” Conservative’s last Cambridge city In conjunction to addressing first aid training and a safety brief- Dr Kelly continued, “I saw at least councillor, resigned. Owers studied environmental issues within the ing from chauffeurs. Other ideas two punters in the water this year. Social and Political Sciences at Jesus community, Owers has preformed include enlarged and pictorial safety The potential for someone to receive College and is beginning postgradu- research for the leading sociolo- signage in order for all nationalities a blow from a pole, or to be pitched ate history research this year. gist Anthony Giddens, a former to comprehend the safety guidelines overboard among solid hulls travel- The by-election, which is being adviser to Tony Blair, on businesses’ fully. ling at head height, is manifest. It held on Thursday 4th November, response to combating climate The new rules would also have the seems to me that we ought to take will produce a new councillor in the change. power to prohibit operators from all reasonable steps to mitigate Coleridge ward towards the south- Owers offers his opinion on some leasing punts at times of high flow unnecessary risk.” east of the city. george owers, labour candidate of the coalition government’s poli- or when conditions are deemed too Chris Woodward, a second-year Mr Owers has stressed the impor- cies. as “unnecessary and painful”. dangerous. Medic frustrated at the often cha- tance of local affairs: “Why I have year I was a candidate for the Abbey He highlights the Liberal Demo- Whilst many of the regulations otic punting experience, agrees: “It stood, and why I am interested in ward by-election, and before that crats for their “tendency to ignore are unlikely to affect students – who is high time the vastly under-reg- getting involved with local poli- in Market ward. Also, in 2007 I ran the poorer areas of Cambridge usually hire out punts independently ulated punting industry was dealt tics rather than student politics, is for councillor in my home town in because it’s not really within their or use their colleges’ own - they are with.” that student politics covers a very Essex.” radar.” He also criticised the Lib likely to have a big impact on how Although the proposals have narrow spectrum of issues. I’m Coleridge is one of 14 Cambridge Dems in response to the recent the public and tourists interact with received a warm response from much interested in areas which are actu- wards. spending cuts. the river. of the University body, this does not ally quite deprived and have social Mr Owers describes himself as “a As a member of a younger gen- Dr Philippa Noon, the River Man- seem to be shared by some Cam- problems. Coleridge has a very high conservative in feeling, a radical in eration likely to bear the brunt of ager, stated that the expansion of the bridge residents who are angered at percentage of pensioners and people politics”. government cuts to house-building, punting industry prompted the new the new age limits. Matthew Payne, on benefits.” Owers has been praised by current he wants to challenge the Lib-Dem rules and assured that they were in a second-year Classicist whose home “As students who are privileged Chair of the Universities’ Labour city council’s “risible” record on pro- line with similar regulations in other is in Cambridge, stated: “This is an we have a social responsibility Club, Ashley Walsh: “George has viding sufficient affordable housing. towns and cities. outrage. This is fine for students, to improve the city so that some been a tireless campaigner for Government spending cuts appear “[The new regulations] have been but rubbish for normal Cambridge deprived places don’t get lost in the equality and social justice in the to be affecting the local and student reviewed against other local author- residents.” fog.” University and the city. This is why community alike with numerous ity guidelines,” she explained, “and The ways in which these new pro- Mr Owers insists that his young I am proud to have campaigned to campaigns emerging against the we are trying to harmonise with posals will be implemented will be age is not a sign of inexperience: elect him in the by-election”. proposed science spending cuts. those. We appreciate that the River decided by the Conservators at a “I’ve been a candidate three times Walsh goes on to portray Owers’s Owers is former chair of the Cam- Cam is in many ways unique.” She meeting in January. before, so I’m no rookie. Earlier this comparatively young age in a bridge Universities Labour Club. went on to explain that poor punting

PEOPLE. PASSION. RESULTS.

What is management consulting? What do consultants do? Would you like it? Where to fi nd us… Milena joined Bain in February 2009. Prior to this she completed an MA in Bioscience Enterprise, having studied Thursday, October 14, 2010 Consultancy Careers Fair Natural Sciences, both as an undergraduate at Trinity. Since joining Bain she has worked in industries ranging from University Centre, Granta Place: 1.00-6.00pm car rental and semiconductors to multiple private equity due diligences. Recent Cambridge graduates who have started work at Bain and Company will be on hand Why Bain? Having been at Bain for almost 2 years, I am now even more confi dent of my choice of a consulting fi rm. I think the to answer your questions about the fi rm and people, the culture and the entrepreneurial spirit really set Bain apart. There is an overarching ‘can-do’ attitude in every aspect of consultancy in general. work, whether is solving a really diffi cult problem for a client, organizing our offi ce events, working pro-bono for charities or doing Wednesday, October 20, 2010 something fun with your peer group – and I fi nd that extremely motivating and fulfi lling. What is Consultancy? Chadwick Room, Selywn College: 1.00-2.00pm My Passion at Bain? It has be ‘extracurriculars’ or what we call the extra 10%, i.e. (with drop-in session 2.00-3.00pm) getting involved with something you are really interested in outside of the day-to-day work. Discover what consultancy really is, what skills I’ve so far been a ‘fun rep’ for my bay, helped organize this year’s Alice-in-Wonderland you need to succeed and why it might be the themed Offi ce summer event, and am currently assisting LSE students in organizing a Private career for you. Equity conference. Wednesday, October 27, 2010 Case study workshop What’s been your favourite case/project so far? I really enjoy travel cases as Trinity Hall Lecture Theatre and Terrace: we spend a lot of time as a team working and socializing and great stories are aplenty. I’m 12.30-2.30pm and 3.00-5.00pm actually currently in Sao Paulo on a case (they say it’s winter but it’s 25 degrees!). Last year I We will take you through a typical case study spent a couple months in the Netherlands working with the R&D department of a technology and share hints and tips on ways to prepare for strategy consulting interviews. company. Not only did I become quite tech-savvy (ahem... geeky) by the end of the case, we also had some incredible favourite past times at team dinners with about 15 of us at the table! Bain & Company Presentation Howard Building, Downing College: My personal results story? Recently we were surveying the online payment processing market in Europe trying to map out 7.00-9.30pm “the Universe” of companies present in this market. It’s a relatively new industry and there wasn’t any data readily available, so An opportunity to fi nd out more about Bain & we had to collect primary data, most of which came from phone interviews. My proudest moment was when I was on the phone Company: includes a case study example, giving an insight into the work we do and the to the CEO of one of the largest online payment processing companies in the UK, and his response to my questions was: “When skills we look for. After the presentation, speak you’re done with your study, can you tell me what our market share is?” It made me feel extremely valuable to our client – the with Bain staff over drinks. Everyone attending insights we discovered in this industry were unprecedented. will receive a DVD guide to case studies.

A fi nal thought? I am a huge promoter of consulting as a fi rst career and of Bain as the best fi rm to work for. If you are We would be delighted looking to learn about business in a multitude of industries and capabilities, develop communication, planning, prioritisation and to meet you at any of our people skills, then consulting is defi nitely for you. And if you want to have an amazing time and make new friends on the way, events; please pre-register then I cannot recommend Bain more. via the Cambridge University page at www.joinbain.com 4 1st October 2010 News team: Osama Siddiqui, Oliva Crellin & Natasha Pesaran NEWS www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] Life after Cambridge: graduate prospects explained ■ Cambridge students do well despite the current economic circumstances ■ Health, banking and teaching are among the most popular employment fields

VARSITY NEWS TEAM As Michaelmas term gets underway, seems not to have hurt job prospects Cambridge graduates perform very per cent of 2008 Cambridge gradu- fi nalists have begun to think seri- for Cambridge graduates. well in job interviews, however they ates went into employment. ously about their post-Cambridge According to Gordon Ches- are often turned down in the initial A substantial portion of gradu- plans. While many are actively terman, Director of the Careers stages due to applications which ates (37.5 per cent) went into further seeking employment in graduate Service, “At the height of the are full of errors,” Chesterman told study. Of this, 48 per cent started a schemes, others are considering fur- recession, unemployment rates for Varsity. taught degree course, 31 per cent ther study or travel options. Cambridge graduates actually fell.” “What this really demonstrates is a started a research degree, 13 per Varsity spoke to Careers Service He explained, “Of the graduating lack of interest and a lack of research cent opted for legal training, and 8 Advisers, fi nalists, and graduates to year 2009, at Christmas time only 3 in the job for which they have applied. per cent chose teacher training. get a grip on what the future holds per cent were unemployed, compared A Cambridge degree will always A small percentage of graduates for Cambridge graduates. with 4.7 per cent in the past.” attract the attention of an employer, (6 per cent) chose to travel or under- The major concern brought up but their expectations will also be take other activity which rendered by most students was the potential higher. This means that the quality them unavailable for work. impact of the recession on career “ e days of one of your application and your perfor- opportunities available to them. mance at the interview need to stand Job-hunting in a recession As one third-year Economist career for life are up to your academic qualifi cations.” said, “Whether you want to work While Cambridge graduates have in the private sector or the public, over” Where do Cambridge done very well despite the tough eco- or whether you want to research or graduates go? nomic climate, they are advised to travel, almost everything is impacted keep an open mind about their career “Look at smaller organizations, by the economic situation.” Despite these reassurances, Cam- The employment destinations of options. According to Chesterton, ones that only recruit from one or The recent economic downturn, bridge students are not entirely Cambridge graduates are varied. In “We now advise students to adjust two universities. They will receive which has plagued many industries convinced. “I feel like this is one of the 2008-9, the single biggest industry their expectations of what they hope fewer applications, so there is less that typically hire large numbers of toughest job markets ever for gradu- that employed Cambridge graduates to achieve when they fi rst graduate. competition. For example, instead of graduates, has contributed to fears ates, and it almost feels like bad luck was health, which accounted for 11 Still aim for what you would most applying to a prestigious bank, you that many graduates would be left that I’m graduating this year,” said per cent of graduate employment. like to do, but be prepared to have a might want to consider smaller ven- unemployed and saddled with debt. one History fi nalist. This was followed by teaching at 8.7 plan B and a plan C.” ture capitalists or hedge funds.” According to fi gures released last He added, “From what I’ve seen, per cent and banking at 8.5 per cent. He explained further, “Be ambi- Students are also advised to start year by the Higher Education Sta- there are jobs available, but there Public Service accounted for 6.7 per tious but accept that you may not be using their time at university to learn tistics Agency, almost one in ten are hundreds of people going for each cent of 2008 graduate employment. doing your dream job for the next transferable skills that may be attrac- students who graduated from uni- vacancy, which makes it very diffi cult Other prominent industries two or three years. Even in the good tive to an employer. versity in 2008 were jobless. for an applicant to stand out.” included accountancy, the arts, IT, times Cambridge students were dis- Chesterton explained, “In the UK, What can Cambridge students do consulting, manufacturing and utili- appointed when they graduated and the majority of employers don’t care Cambridge graduates and to make sure their CVs do not get ties, science research, and social could not walk into the career of their what you studied, they are more recession lost among the hundreds of others an work. choice.” interested in the transferable skills employer has received? According to However, employment is not the He added, “The days of one career you have picked up during your Despite rising concerns about the Careers Service, students need only post-university destination for for life are over.” degree.” employment prospects for gradu- to pay special attention to detail. graduates. In fact, according to data Chesteron advised that students He added, “The Institute of Char- ates, Varsity fi nds that the recession “Our research has shown that released by the University, only 53.5 should diversify their career search. tered Accountants recently published

Matt Lloyd, demanding whole-day assessment twenty? How will you make sure childhood that could never be NGO, the Fellowship for African that saw me teaching a lesson on those two boys who hate reading achieved through reading. Relief, in Sudan. I was lucky French & Italian Lord of the Flies, pretending to be don’t get left behind? For more information about enough to start as an intern, but in (2007) in a staff budget meeting, and was Over time, the fog started to lift Teach First visit www.teach- NGOs, especially smaller ones like topped off by a lengthy interview. and I became aware of the huge fi rst.org.uk or email Teach mine, it’s a case of if they can teach y the When Teach First got back in scope for creativity that you have First’s Recruitment Offi cer for you and train you on the job they “Bend of touch they asked whether I would as a primary school teacher. I Cambridge, Tanya Willman, at will. So I became communications four years consider taking part in a Primary started to use music to spice up my twillman@teachfi rst.org.uk to offi cer a couple of weeks in! reading pilot. I accepted, and the following Maths lessons and taught some of arrange a meeting with a recruiter. The idea of working in the texts for autumn I walked into a small pri- my Science in Spanish. humanitarian world has been grow- an MML mary school in Brixton. It became enormously satisfy- ing in the last couple of years and degree I was The fi rst half term was gruel- ing; knowing that children without Letty Thomas, this is the perfect introduction ready for a ling- I had 13 subjects to master at much security in their lives felt to it. There are more structured radical change once and a lively year three class in safe; seeing a child who could Arch & Anth internships in larger humanitar- of tack. I was need of strong leadership. It was a barely form letters at the start of ian organisations but without an hungry for practical humbling experience: there’s noth- the year write a paragraph by the (2009) MA (yet) this has been the perfect experiences, for a career choice ing like being ignored by a roomful end of it. ’m introduction. that would allow me to work at of seven year-olds for putting your I’ve moved out of the classroom “Icur- I feel lucky to have a paid job ground level on the social issues I abilities into perspective. now and I’m working for Teach rently with responsibility in a country cared about whilst retaining the Even when I’d learnt to manage First to develop their involvement work- undergoing so much change at the possibility to move into more ana- my class, questions spun around in the primary sector. My time in ing as a moment. I know that were I still lytical roles over time. me:what do you do when a child school gave me the assertiveness, policy and in the UK I’d fi nd it extremely dif- Teach First looked ideal and late arrives with no English at all? How communication skills and personal commu- fi cult to get an unpaid internship in one night I sent off a hefty applica- are you supposed to plan a Maths organisation that I need for this nications this sector, let alone a job! tion form. lesson on division when some of role, as well as an understanding of offi cer for a I studied Archaeology and Shortly after, I was invited to a your class can’t count beyond education and twenty-fi rst century Canadian Anthropology at Cambridge News team: Osama Siddiqui, Oliva Crellin & Natasha Pesaran 8th October 2010 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk NEWS5

8.5% Social Enterprise: Percentage of employed Bridging the Gap Cambridge gradutes who entered banking NUS 6.3% Percentage of employed Cambridge graduates who entered the social, community and charity field This time a year ago I sat in a familiar position to many penultimate and fi nal year stu- dents across Cambridge. 4,436 Having returned from a fun- filled summer break, I soon Destinations of Cambridge Number of guidance heard of all the serious business Graduates, 2008–09 interviews the Careers internships my older friends Service conducted last had embarked upon over the year previous months. Hearing all 5.8% their stories made me start to worry about finding the job Travel that was right for me. 37.5% I always knew I would like to work in a dynamic and inno- 3.1% Percentage of graduates vative company, earn myself 37.5% Unemployed who went on to further some money, and have a posi- Further Study study tive impact outside of profi t too, be it environmental, social or in the developing world. Ide- alistic? Yes. Impossible? No. Since then I have discovered 1st Social Enterprise – the career 53.5% Rank obtained by the for the practical idealist. Social Employment Enterprises are loosely defi ned Careers Service in as businesses which are set up International student primarily with social objectives satisfaction rather than fi nancial ones. The profi ts gained from the business are largely re-in- vested into ‘solving’ the issue a survey which showed that musi- information, and advice to all current point during their time at Cambridge. to pay transport costs for charities at hand and are not simply cians made the best accountants, undergraduates, postgraduates, and In addition, the Service remains in and NGOs, so that they can also be handed out like a charity (the scoring the highest of all applicants in postdoctoral research staff at Cam- touch with a further 22,000 alumni. represented.” most famous example of this is accountancy tests.” bridge. The Service also provides The Careers Service has received According to Careers Service The Big Issue magazine). resources to University alumni. national recognition for its work. In advisers, students should aim to use Social Entrepreneurs believe How to use the Careers particular, it was ranked fi rst among Careers Service resources as early as that lasting solutions to social Service 51 participating UK institutions for possible. Chesterton said, “Use the and environmental issues come “Be prepared to international student satisfaction. careers service, preferably in your from making those solutions As graduates feel a greater pressure This year, the Careers Service second or third year. Don’t wait until profi table. to distinguish themselves in a com- have a plan B and a has attracted over 5,000 employers you graduate.” The social enterprise move- petitive job market, more and more of to target Cambridge students by Students are invited to register ment is growing and it is one them are using the resources provided plan C” actively marketing to smaller orga- with the Careers Services website, of the few things leaders of the by the Careers Service. According nizations and to those who did not which allows them not only to look major political parties agree to Chesterton, The Careers Service The Service is used extensively by previously recruit from Cambridge. for vacancies, but also to receive on. is seeing more students earlier, “In students. Just last year alone, they Chesterton explained, “It is free personalized information regarding Nick Clegg labels social Michaelmas last year, 2,300 students conducted 4,436 personal careers to advertise on our website, which the career fi elds in which they are enterprise “a shining example visited us in one week.” guidance interviews. Moreover, attracts smaller companies. At our interested. that good business sense and The Careers Service is an according to their annual report, careers fairs, we see ourselves as social responsibility can go invaluable resource, providing eight out of ten graduating students ‘Robin Hood’, charging big fi rms a fee hand in hand” whilst Ed Mili- Additional reporting by Jessie Waldman and Jane band believes it has “the power comprehensive career guidance, will have used the Service at some to have a stall, and using the money Ashford-Thom to change our country pro- foundly for the better”. David Cameron described it as “the and academically my degree has go back to University: my fake MA I had been interested in and by They’re not necessarily looking great institutional innovation helped. from Cambridge just won’t cut it! choosing it as part of my Masters I for someone who already knows of our times”. Before coming to the NGO I was For further information about was forced to learn it in a way. everything. It’s more that you need So how do you fi nd out more? already aware of the issues and the Fellowship for African Relief After I graduated, I started to demonstrate enough of an inter- A new student society, Beyond ethical questions we often have and their work in Sudan visit www. learning more about computing in est to convince them that you will Profi t, has been set up to do to try and answer (I took a paper farsudan.org. my spare time and developing my do what it takes to learn more and just that. Founded on the belief in the anthropology of develop- software and programming skills. gain the necessary experience and that the answer to many of our ment). That being said I think my David Rubin, I then decided to apply for jobs in skills. global societies problems will computer skills (Excel, Publisher, that fi eld. In my case, I had a number of come from business, Beyond Powerpoint) have mostly been Natural Sciences Despite the diffi cult economic specifi c examples I could point Profi t aims to inspire, inform learnt on the job, and I’ve occa- climate, I found that there were to, things like extra curricular and aid students in Cambridge sionally made a few embarrassing (2009) plenty of jobs in this particular activities and degree-level projects who are looking into social grammar slip ups! ’m cur- sector. However, competition was which I could talk about to show enterprise and responsible I recently returned from our “Irently very tough. There were a lot of my interest. business. project sites in a very rural area working in people applying who had done I think my undergraduate expe- Beyond Profit runs inti- of North Sudan. Seeing how local an entry computing or something similar rience at Cambridge also helped mate skills-based workshops, people become inspired by one level job at at degree level and who had more prepare me for this job in a number networking events, panel dis- project, to do more, and think col- Bloomberg qualifi cations and experience than of ways. Cambridge teaches you to cussions, and information lectively on ways to feed and clothe as a fi nancial me. be both autonomous and confi dent evenings. their children reminds me of what software Given my experience of the job in your abilities, both of which are There is a growing world of can be done here when you look developer. market, and especially now that I skills I have found very helpful. careers out there for bright, beyond the political and the macro. I learnt com- have become involved in recruit- At the moment, I’m really enjoy- driven and socially conscious I really enjoy my job. How- puter programming for ment and interviewing, I feel I ing my job, more than I expected students. Whoever said there ever to move into other areas of my Natural Sciences degree at have a better understanding of actually. It is defi nitely both chal- were no alternatives to grad humanitarian aid such as policy and Cambridge. what employers in this sector are lenging and rewarding. schemes? HUGO HICKSON programming, I’m going to need to It had always been something looking for. 8th October 2010 News team: Osama Siddiqui, Olivia Crellin & Natasha Pesaran 6 NEWS www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

NEWS INTERVIEW Union Diary Gurbaksh Chahal: Dreaming in gold

By the age of 25, he had sold his second company, Blue Lithium, for $300 million to Yahoo. “I knew how to use the internet but that’s the extent of the exper- tise I had. The rest of what I know I learned along the way,” he says. Chahal seems to have a natural instinct for what makes a successful business. “Business is more about emotion and people. The real world is all about people and it’s all about solving problems,” he explains. Chahal says that he is inspired During the fi rst week of term, by the thrill of creation, and the the Union was abuzz with possibility of swift execution and Freshers Week activities. In responsiveness enabled by the inter- addition to a number of pub net, rather than the lure of profi t. crawl events, the Union also Unsurprisingly, he is a perfectionist, featured a Comedy Night and unwilling to look back and praise his a Bumper Pub Quiz. achievements. In the fi rst debate of term, “I’m 28, I’m already on my third the House proposed the company. It’s not really about the motion, “This House would money. It’s just the fact that I love Abolish all Private Schools”. building things out of nothing,” he With the future of schools says. and education funding being Nonetheless, he acknowledges a hot news item, the debate that there were certain small brought a topical sensibility moments when he felt the glow of to the chamber. success: “When I was 16, I could buy Being the fi rst debate of the myself a new car. When I sold my term, the mood in the cham- company, I was able to pay off the ber was surprisingly tepid, mortgage for my parents.” considering the pertinence of The message of his bestsellling this topic to the Cambridge book Dream: How I Learned the student body and the fact Risks and Rewards of Entrepre- that it was the fi rst showcase neurship and Made Millions is that of Thursday night debates at “everything starts with a dream”. the Union. These words can be taken as Speaking for the Proposi- encouragement by any aspiring tion were Robert Griffi ths, entrepreneur. Chahal refl ects on his the General Secretary of the own experience, “I was an under- Communist Party of Brit- dog. I made mistakes and learnt ain, and Brett Wigdortz, the from them. Once you recognize you founder and CEO of Teach have passion there are possibilities First. that will work for you.” Facing down Griffiths But, in the current economic cli- and Wigdortz in the opposi- mate, is it still relevant to dream? tion were Peter Hamilton, Chahal’s advice seems different the Headmaster of the Hab- compared to what many students erdashers’ Aske’s Boys’ are being told to think. School, an independent With rising concerns about school renowned for its high employment prospects, many stu- academic standards, and Jon- dents are being told to be realistic athan Shephard, a barrister and not to expect too much in the and former CEO of the Inde- next few years. pendent Schools Council. Chahal thinks a cultural dif- The debate turned out to be ference between America and exciting and engaging, espe- England might lie at the heart of cially for many freshers who that message. “I think that’s the big were attending their first difference between the American ever Union debate. Hamilton Millionaire innovator Gurbaksh Chahal talks to Jessie mentality and the rest of the world. was described by one audi- It’s not arrogance; it’s ambition. You ence member as a “pitbull Waldman about ambition and following one’s dream have to dream really, really big, and terrier”, who alienated the you might actually have a shot at crowd by continuing to reel getting there,” he explains. off a list of accomplishments For a 28-year old, Gurbaksh Chahal tough living in the projects, being having an education was that I didn’t Chahal, like most self-made men, of his private school. has had a busy life. By the age of 25, an ethnic minority. My parents know the rules, what to say and is a great believer in the value of In contrast, Griffiths he had founded two companies worth embraced our religious background. what not to ask. I had the freedom his own mistakes. Yet, in a world was described by an audi- $340 million. He has appeared on the It was a diffi cult environment, but to just be curious, and I think that in which the whole of society pays ence member as a “dull and Oprah Winfrey show exhibiting his all in all, it just made us stronger,” the younger you are, the more ambi- the price for the adrenalin-fuelled uninspiring speaker”, who beautiful penthouse apartment and he recalls. tious you are: you don’t yet know the errors made by a few bankers, resorted to parroting unimag- glowing white car. And, Oprah has Chahal acknowledges that the bul- rules of life.” surely one should be wary of risk- inative socialist orthodoxy. famously described him as “one of lying he faced when he was growing However, he is quick to affi rm taking? Chahal believes that there Despite relatively strong the youngest and wealthiest entre- up helped to defi ne his personality. that leaving school early may not is a right kind of risk and a wrong showing on both sides, many preneurs on the planet”. “As a child you have a choice, you necessarily be a viable option for kind of risk. left the debate unconvinced. Such extraordinary success for a can either become an introvert, or everyone. “I am 100 per cent pro- As he puts it, “In business it’s all Tonight, the Union wel- guy who spent his childhood bullied you can think to yourself: I’m differ- education. Everyone has their own about risk, but it’s the right risk. comes back comedienne Jo for being different, and left school ent, what do I do now? How do I go way of learning. But I am more a There is a big divergence between Brand, who will be talking at the age of 16, must seem like a ahead and make the best of it?” he creative personality; I learn outside greed and ambition. If you have a about her latest book Can’t dream. says. the classroom,” he says. talent and you have a passion, you Stand Up for Sitting Down. Growing up in a family of seven However, leaving school early in Entrepreneurs such as Chahal are defi nitely going to take a lot of On Saturday, American in a one-bedroom apartment in San pursuit of a career was not neces- are proof that the internet has radi- risks around it.” internet millionaire Gur- Jose, his life is a true tale of the rags- sarily just a case of making the best cally altered the dynamic of who baksh Chahal will speak at to-riches metamorphosis so much of things. Chahal found that there can become a business titan. At 16, the Union. Read a profi le and prized in American culture. were certain advantages to relying he started an internet advertising Gurbaksh Chahal is speaking at the interview of Chahal in this Moving to San Jose was not easy on instinct rather than on formal company in his room called Click Cambridge Union Society on Saturday week’s Varsity. for a young Indian boy wearing a business training. Agents. Two years later, he sold that 9th October at 2:30pm. Event is open to turban. “In the 1980s, it was pretty He explains, “The upside of not company for $40 million. all university members. News team: Osama Siddiqui, Olivia Crellin & Natasha Pesaran 8th October 2010 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk NewS 7 Hi! Society Lion Dancing Troupe

COurteSy Of Cambridge uNiverSity LiONd daNCiNg trOuPe Tired of throwing shapes close, if you ask me). The Cambridge on the sticky floor of Cin- Chinese lion has now be- dies? Ever had the urge come a symbol of guardi- Spies to shake it like the rear- anship, and the dance is end of a large cat? Look said to drive away evil no further… spirits and bring prosper- ity. The Cambridge Univer- sity Lion Dance Troupe From the front and back is a small group of stu- dancers to the musicians dents who bring the East who play the gong, cym- to East Anglia. Led by bals and drum, there’s Xiao Yao (literally, she is something for everyone. both the President and The library life can bring the front dancer in the a person down, but it’s lion’s head), the society nothing that a spot of meets regularly to prac- pumping exercise and tise the ancient Chinese social interaction can’t art of lion dancing – not cure. The essence of lion to be confused with line dancing is teamwork, and Fresh meat! Ecce foetal col- dancing, which is much the society members get lapses in gutters, inadvisably more straight-forward, to know each other very applied ‘clothing’, and the reek or dragon dancing, which well, often socialising out- of beer and bunder. Welcome can be a fiery business. side of rehearsal time too. back to Cambridge.

According to an over But the real perk, accord- Congratulations to the spe- 1500-year-old legend, a ing to CULDT Secretary cial fresher whose mobile rang monk had a dream that Sue Wang, is “being able during Clare evensong, reveal- the land was plagued by to keep a 1000-year-old ing their desperate ‘Like Me sorrow and suffering, so tradition alive and kicking. I’m Interesting’ ringtone. he prayed for guidance There aren’t many peo- and refuge. The gods an- ple who can say they’ve Grad freshers, a nautically swered him, saying that convincingly played the themed hostelry and slippery a lion would protect them back-end of a dancing lion, affairs in the water closet: roll and fight the evil. Lions so the things we do are... on week one... are not native to China, unique”. and most had never seen And who, friends, is the delight- the animal before, so the I know what new activ- ful creature in bright green monk created a lion out of ity I’ll be taking on this body paint doing their walk of the most magical animals term. It looks like an ab- shame along Trinity Street this he knew (and got pretty solute roar. morn? Do tell...

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Information leaflets are available from: To find out more, come and meet us on: Harriet Miller at WPP, 27 Farm Street, Thursday 21 October, 6.30pm London W1J 5RJ Second Floor, Cormack Room T +44(0)20 7408 2204 University Centre F +44(0)20 7493 6819 Granta Place E-mail: [email protected] Mill Lane Cambridge Deadline for entry: 11 November 2010 CB2 1RU visit our website and apply online at www.wpp.com

XXXX_Cambridge_Fellowship_Ad.indd 1 5/10/10 14:47:39 8th October 2010 News team: Osama Siddiqui, Olivia Crellin & Natasha Pesaran 8 NewS www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] Student radio goes FM to seek new listeners Babylonian language heard for first time

Camfm Scholars worked out how to pro- OSCAR WILLIAMS GRUT CheRyL ROUSSeL nounce the language by studying Cambridge’s first FM radio station Work by a Cambridge scholar has Babylonian spelling patterns, tran- which is aimed solely at the student allowed the Ancient Babylonian lan- scriptions using the Greek alphabet population debuted this weekend. guage, which has not been spoken and by comparing Babylonian with Cam FM takes over from for almost 2000 years, to be heard related languages like Arabic and CUR1350, the previous medium online. Hebrew. About a year ago, Dr Wor- wave and online broadcast student In its heyday Babylonian was one thington started recording readings radio station. The re-launch and of the main languages of Ancient of the ancient texts by Assyriologists revamp of the station follows the Mesopotamia (present-day Iraq) but from around the world, and posting awarding of a community radio it died out in the first century AD. them online. license from Ofcom, as well as the Now the language can be heard for The oldest poem, a hymn to a completion of a state of the art studio the first time in almost two millennia, goddess, praises the “lady ruler based in Anglia Ruskin University. in a collection of Ancient Babylonian of men, the greatest of the Igigi!” This will compliment the station’s poems and readings posted online by who “gets excited, clothed in sex original studio which is located in a Cambridge researcher. appeal, adorned with fruits, charms the basement of a Churchill College The 30 recordings include the and allure”. Another 16-word poem, graduate house. Epic of Gilgamesh, one of the earli- enigmatically named “Incantation The station is entirely student-run A CamFM DJ operating in the studio at Churchill College est existing works of literature in the for dog-bite”, presents a dog who can and aims to build upon the success world, and a law code dating back impregnate with one bite. of CUR1350, former ‘Best Station’ stations, with the exception of BBC combined with the revamp, will almost 4000 years. Found on ancient Dr Worthington is fairly confi- at the Student Radio Awards, by Cambridgeshire. The station will raise the station’s profile, and tablets in Mesopotamia, the texts dent of the accuracy of the online attracting both more listeners and also try to broadcast more specialist attract a larger listener base. In a had never been read aloud because pronunciations, predicting that “lit- greater involvement from students. programmes, covering everything bid to achieve this, CamFM aim to no-one knew how Babylonian should erate Babylonians from, say, 1000 It will be running a competition from world music to funk as well as focus their news broadcasts on local be pronounced. BC would understand us without throughout October and Novem- making programmes that feature a and University based news, unlike The idea for the revolutionary proj- difficulty” ber to attract writers, directors and range of A-list celebrity guests. other radio stations who receive ect came from Dr Martin Worthington, He is hopeful for prospects of the actors to produce a radio soap for The FM license means that stu- syndicated news. A new “What’s a Junior Research Fellow in Assyriol- Babylonian Language. “I doubt the station. dents can listen to the station in On?” feature will broadcast informa- ogy at St John’s College. “People often babies will ever be brought up speak- CamFM aims to broadcast over their cars for the first time, as well tion on events across the City. ask me what Babylonian sounded like, ing it, but I know of non-specialists 80 hours of live programming a as on analogue radio sets. The sta- CamFM can be found on 97.2 FM. and how I know. It’s essentially detec- who learn and read it for pleasure”. week, more than any other local FM tion’s managers hope that this, Information at www.camfm.co.uk. tive work”, he said. Pembroke mathematician honoured with fellowship

at the BSA obviously requires an Great Offers WINSTON PReeCe impressive scientific repertoire, Peter Hatfield, a second year Math- what many fail to realise is that the ematician at Pembroke College, has requirements for such an award go been awarded an Honorary Fel- beyond simple academic excellence. lowship from the British Science Honorary Fellows earn their titles as Association (BSA). a result of being well-rounded indi- Something Honorary Fellows of the BSA are viduals who are capable of acting as Save individuals who have made an out- ambassadors, as well as specialists, £50 for everyone standing contribution to the aims in their fields. It was a combination Free Buy a VAIO laptop* & get and purposes of the Association. This of both Hatfield’s brilliant academic worldwide Microsoft Office is achieved by promoting openness record and his role as an ambassador insurance about science in society and engag- of science which won him the Honor- for 12 months Home & Student ing and inspiring adults and young ary Fellowship. 2010 worth £109.99 people directly through the use of James Coghill, a second year stu- science and technology. dent at Pembroke College, said, VPC-EE2M1E/WI - Dual Core Performance Notebook Bag & a Hatfield initially made his mark “Peter is probably one of the most Efficient everyday computing with AMD Vision Processor, Mouse wor th £14.99 at secondary school, contributing deserving people I can think of. He’s 500GB hard drive & 4GB memory towards the design of a Cosmic Ray easy to relate to and passionate about Save Intensity Detector. In 2011 this detec- science, as well as always being curi- tor will be put on a Surrey Satellite ous about other people’s subjects.” was £599.99 now £549. 99 £65 Technology satellite and launched Hatfield is now the youngest ever Anti-Virus software with 3 into orbit, where it will remain for Fellow of the Royal Institution, join- approximately seven years. ing academic giants such as Professor VPC-EE2S1E/BQ -Triple Core Performance user licence worth £19.99 High performance computing with AMD The experiment is significant in Sir David King, Professor Lord May Vision Ultimate - AMD PhenomTM II Triple- for Only £79.99 that it uses technology from the of Oxford and Bill Bryson. Core Processor * Qualifying Range : EE2M1E/WI, EE2S1E/BQ, & EE2E1/E Laptops only. Large Hadron Collider, and will be Modest about his achievements, Ask in store for further details the first piece of technology from Hatfield admitted that he did not

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SCH_417825_170x130_CAMBRIDGE.indd 1 4/10/10 14:46:50 October 8th 2010 Comment Editors: Jamie Pollock & Rhys Treharne 10 COMMENT www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] Comment A world without design is not without purpose Whilst atheists persist in their ba le against Creationism, they fail to answer the questions religions ask

guide us on how we should live, persuaded by Darwin, it is doubt- religious from fi nding meaning in the religious are arguing that rather than documenting how we ful that they will be by Hawking their explanations. people can and should have both. have come to be living. Accord- – the leaders did not need to start But do scientists have any The Chief Rabbi has presented ing to Rabbi Sacks, science and waving the fl ag for science to reason to take issue with this? religion in a way which does leave religion are “different intellectual prevent the religious from losing Surely everyone should be content; room for science. If the proponents enterprises”. The Church of Eng- their faith. However, the religious of scientifi c atheism continue to land issued a similar response, response to Hawking’s theory is talk as though the debate is a case arguing that they do not claim the far more potent than a simple act of either/or, they risk appearing as Bible to be “a compendium of all of damage limitation. By accepting Atheists cannot though they are paying no atten- knowledge”. Science and religion science rather than dismissing it, merely rely on tion to the dialogue. A seeming serve different purposes and, as they have changed the whole tone unwillingness to engage is what a result, science can be accepted of the debate. the science of makes views appear dogmatic without faith being forfeited. If it is not young earth creation- rather than reasoned. In an ironic This is a dramatic ism with which they are in evolution to twist, it is the non-believers who movement away from confl ict, then atheists are at risk of looking the more REBECCA USDEN young earth cre- cannot rely on the provide them with rigid and uncompromising, whilst ationist thinking, science of creation the religious present themselves as which actively or the science of ammunition the more open minded. This cannot t would appear that Hawking competes with evolution to pro- be good for atheist PR. has fi nally done it – with the science to vide them with scientists can go on explaining, This, of course, is not to say that Irevelation of his M-Theory explain the ammunition. religious believers can go on the atheist argument from science last month, religious believers who creation of Spouting Darwin interpreting, and no one steps on is now ineffective. But it does query the origins of the Big Bang the world. In does nothing to anyone else’s toes. If only the real- mean that to have impact, athe- are surely silenced. Atheists across a recent UK rebuke the Chief ity was this peachy. The “I’ll stay ists should now turn to address the world punch the air. But they survey, 10% of Rabbi’s kind on my side of the bed if you stay on interpretive religion rather than should not get too excited, because a 2000 strong of faith, where yours” kind of arrangement is not continuing to fi ght the creation the reply of the UK’s religious lead- sample identi- questions about going to satisfy the militant athe- narrative. If we are to be con- ers has shifted the grounds of the fi ed with biblical how life has evolved ism of those who spend their lives vinced that science and religion debate. creationism and up to hold little relevance. trying to denounce religion using are in fact mutually exclusive, we In a response to Hawking half were not convinced Whilst Hawking’s theory science. I imagine the name “Rich- need to be shown why and the printed in The Times, the Chief by the theory of evolution. may be remarkable, the use ard Dawkins” springs to mind. Chief Rabbi’s claims of compatibil- Rabbi of Britain, Lord Jonathan With this in mind, the decision of it to attack religion now seems But it is precisely people like this ity must be addressed directly. A Sacks, argued that religion does by religious leaders to embrace misdirected. Scientists can keep who should be taking note of the dismissal of the religious response not seek to provide a rival explana- science seems both a brave and explaining the Universe (or even religious response the most. While will not suffi ce as a rebuttal. tion to science, but an additional unnecessary move. If sections the Multiverse) as much as they atheists are encouraging people to Rather, this would only serve to interpretation. Religious texts of our population cannot be like, but that will not stop the reject religion in favour of science, make it all the more compelling. LGBT: There’s still a stigma  ough Cambridge is amongst the most gay-friendly universities in Britain, the LGBT ba le is far from won

you cross that border to queerdom, is a problem that arises from an that my Muslim grandparents would even show up.” My mum there’s no going back – your sexu- intolerant culture, not individual hear of something so vile as that said nothing, and turned her head. ality is solidifi ed as your primary circumstances, making it all the the granddaughter of whom they The silence was crushing. She identity, and you have to start living sadder. Hopefully some of the sup- are so proud might be morally has always been so proud of my “as a gay person”. I can confi dently port systems at university (UCS, contaminated. achievements: receiving awards, negate the latter worry: there is chaplains, and CUSU LBGT) will Sometimes I see how much I can doing charity work, getting into nothing fi xed about sexuality and let people fi nally feel self-worth and make my mother sweat about this. Cambridge. I used to get embar- gender, and no one will force you to satisfaction in themselves. Sometimes my stunts backfi re. rassed by her telling all of her “be” something. Let’s not forget that Cambridge I once announced to her that my friends and relatives about what But just a layer below the LGBT- is only one part of us. We spend 24 I’d done. Since fi rst year, I’ve friendly visage of Cambridge is a weeks here per year, and most of written on LGBT issues, become a maelstrom of past experiences, the us go back to our pre-university To be queer is to CUSU LBGT Exec member, and demons of which some LGBT people lifestyles between terms. Many also have been trained by the country’s TAZ RASUL are still overcoming. Upon found- revert back to our pre-Cambridge be unequal still, foremost LGB charity, Stonewall. ing an anti-homophobia project for personas, surrounded by the peers I know very well that my mum school children this July, I was over- and family members with whom despite the haven will never speak a word of this to whelmed by the number of Cantabs we grew up. This huge Cambridge/ anyone. Ironically, that hurts. ambridge is amongst the pledging involvement in a campaign home divide means that the “out of Cambridge. is Mine is certainly not the worst most gay-friendly universi- that for them was intensly personal. and proud” people here may be scenario that exists amongst the Cties in Britain. As Selwyn’s It’s funny; half of the people reading pushed back into the closet for bubble is a double- LGBT community. I describe it to LBGT Offi cer, I can vouch that a this article will think, “Of course half the year, a side you will never show you that to be queer is to be gamut of experiences lies beneath homophobic abuse in school is still see. When I return to my London edged sword: so unequal still, despite the haven of the title, of which we should all be prevalent”, whilst the rest will be, suburb, happy as I am to be home, Cambridge. This bubble is a double- proud (LGBT hasn’t yet monopo- like I was, pathetically unaware I know that my life for the coming pro-LGBT that we edged sword: so pro-LGBT that we lised “pride”). And just as many of the scale and persistence of the months will necessarily change. can get complacent. But part-time people don’t feel they need LGBT problem. My parents and brother know can get complacent. liberation is not liberation at all; it’s support (and this is great), far too An anachronistic and harmful that I am not heterosexual, and repressive, and shows that we still many who might benefi t from us are school culture has repercussions, they did not react atrociously then-girlfriend and I were to be struggle, despite outward appear- reluctant to take steps forward. and these are felt by many stu- (should I be grateful?), but that part civilly partnered. After my mum ances. So I’m asking you to continue Some fear being outed to peers dents in our relative LGBT utopia. of my identity is their dirty little asked me whether I was serious, to understand and be allied with whose behaviour towards them may Of course everyone comes here secret; I don’t even have ownership I replied, “Of course not. It’d your LGBT peers. There is a still a change, others believe that once with their own issues, but this over the knowledge. Gosh forbid be rubbish – none of my family cause. Comment Editors: Jamie Pollock & Rhys Treharne October 8th 2010 11 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk COMMENT

Our Man in Amman

here’s been a bit of Islam- related controversy in THolland over the past week. The Dutch right-wing politician Geert Wilders (look him up, he looks quite like a nerdy pimp) has just been put on trial for Islamophobia and inciting hatred against Muslims. This is the latest twist in a larger debate currently taking place in the Dutch parliament; whether or not to ban Muslim women from wearing the full veil, the burqa, in public. This argument is obvi- ously nothing new, and to be honest we’re probably all slightly fed up with it, but I just wanted to make two quick points. Firstly Syria, just across the border from us, recently banned KATHERINE JONES students and teachers from wearing the burqa in schools and universities – and not many people would name Syria in their list of Most Islamophobic Coun- tries, largely because it isn’t. Growing pains Thus there are plenty of Muslims who themselves do not approve of the veil. Secondly, Wilders Our demand for perpetual economic growth has le us unable to deal with ecological crises claims the law is designed to combat the “Islamisation of the Now, the ‘green growth’ lobby carbon emissions. the $1-a-day line.” Trickle down eco- Netherlands”. The law banning has always seen techno-fi xes as We must accept, then, that nomics has failed; instead of poverty the burqa in Holland would, if the answer to our prayers – we’ll techno-fi xes cannot deliver the being alleviated, what we’ve seen is passed, affect approximately 50 keep getting richer and leave it improvement in carbon intensity the rich enjoying faster cars, more people. I’ll wait a moment as you to those brilliant scientists to sort that we need. Environmental cam- holidays and bigger TVs. There repeat that number in your head. us out. Yet I somehow doubt that paigner and writer Danny Chivers are more than enough resources in That’s 50 people at most. Wow, even the most ardent techno-fi xer has summed up the techno-fi x-and- the world to ensure that everyone Geert, looks like Holland really would claim that we could hope for growth strategy perfectly: ‘Your has their basic needs met; poverty dodged an Islamising bullet technological advances suffi cient for house is on fi re, so you sit down in isn’t a problem of scarcity, but of there. If you love meaningless a 95% cut. the living room and start drawing distribution. statistics, then you’ll enjoy Indeed, the carbon intensity up designs for a giant wall-smashing Moving on to the second myth, hearing that this law is aimed at of the global economy remained robot.’ GDP is a notoriously bad indica- roughly 0.0000003% of the Dutch effectively unchanged between Our only option, therefore, is to tor of well-being. NEF research population. 2002 and 2007. There’s no sign of revealed that although the UK’s Having this sort of law isn’t signifi cant improvement when the GDP has doubled since 1980, peo- great PR for Europe in the JAMES ANGEL techno-fi x industry’s most hyped-up Trickle-down ple’s satisfaction with life has hardly Islamic world, particularly as it fol- ideas are scrutinised. According to changed. An end to growth doesn’t lows the discussion of similar laws the Director of the US Geological mean doing without what make us in France and Belgium, a wave of aced with the twin crises of Survey, carbon capture and storage economics has happy - in a zero-growth economy protests against Minarets in Swit- the global economy and the won’t be commercially viable on a failed - instead of we’d work less and have more time zerland and of course the volatile Fglobal climate, politicians widespread scale until 2045 – which to do the things we love. Now, this cartoon controversy in Denmark. and economists worldwide have is perhaps a little bit late. As for might sound like hippie bullshit, However you feel about the embraced a ‘grow and hope’ strat- biofuels, if the UK were to use oil- alleviating poverty, but I bet there’s a guilty part of you burqa, you have to admit that egy: let’s just get back on the noble seed rape and corn biofuels instead that wants to agree. Doing away the whole thing is a bit petty. track of economic growth and hope of petrol and diesel we would need it has merely with growth would just mean prac- It’s understandable why so for the best. But a grow and hope 36 million hectares of land to grow it ticing what we preach. many European countries have solution that aims to stop climate – roughly 650 per cent more than all allowed the rich to Kenneth Boulding said that ‘Only focused on the burqa: it’s a strik- change whilst maintaining economic the arable land in the UK. mad men and economists believe ing image that is easy to use as growth will not work. Worse still, we’ve got to account get richer in infi nite growth in a fi nite world’. a symbol for “Islamisation”. But The EU’s climate change target for the ‘rebound effect’: increases Andrew Simms of NEF illustrates banning the burqa serves only to is to cap the increase in global in effi ciency are accompanied by give up economic growth. But what this wonderfully by recalling an sensationalise the ‘Islam v. the temperature at two degrees above increased consumption. Suppose does this mean? Grow-and-hopers encounter with one such econo- West’ debate and make it easy pre-industrial levels. According to we invent a new energy-effi cient tell us that we need growth to mist. How, Simms asked, when the meat for radicals on both sides. ‘Growth Isn’t Possible’, a recent car that gets more kilometres from alleviate poverty. They tell us that human race has used up the last of I can’t help but feel that the New Economics Foundation (NEF) a litre of petrol than before, one we need growth to make us happy. the Earth’s natural resources, will energy would be better spent report, this cannot be done. The of these cars is going to save me a They’re wrong, twice. economic growth continue? His looking at why this fear exists report calculates that if the global fair bit of money, meaning that I’m Let’s take the poverty myth response: ‘We’ll exploit asteroids!’ in the fi rst place, and what steps economy were to maintain growth going to be able to buy more stuff. fi rst. As is noted in ‘Growth isn’t Simms is calling for both pragma- might be taken to help integrate at a relatively low 3%, in order to Indeed, an analysis of domestic Possible’: “Between 1990 and 2001, tists and utopians to shape a ‘bold Muslim populations into Euro- meet the two degrees target, the energy consumption before and for every $100 worth of growth in transition’ to the new economic pean society. It’s idealistic, and global economy’s carbon intensity after the installation of energy the world’s income per person, just system we so urgently need. Be a perhaps a tad naïve, but surely it – the amount of C02 released per saving devices has shown that only $0.60, down from $2.20 the previous pragmatist, be a utopian; don’t be wouldn’t hurt to calm down just dollar made – would have to fall by half the effi ciency gains are trans- decade, found its target and con- a mad person, and don’t be a “grow a little bit. TOM CROOKE 95% by 2050. lated into genuine reductions in tributed to reducing poverty below and hope” economist. 8th October 2010 Comment editors: Jamie Pollock & Rhys Treharne 12 COMMeNT www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

The eSSAY An inappropriate alliance

wo features of science distin- (which are consistent with unac- guish it from religion. One is knowledged similar arguments Tits mode of action; its reliance that I have developed in my books on publicly-accessible experimen- over the years) underline the direc- tation, in contrast to religion’s tion in which science is travelling. reliance on private introspection Does science fail when it turns and asserted authority. Whereas its eye inwards? The problem of science relies on experiment, reli- consciousness is of a kind quite gion relies on sentiment. Whereas different from the problem of science is meticulous in its objectiv- cosmogenesis and almost certainly ity, and where false observation is will be elucidated quite differently soon exposed by parading data on too. Whereas cosmogenesis will public platforms, religion grasps be expressed in terms of a theory at wisps of observation and, if they that can be formulated math- strike a sentimental chord, absorbs ematically, our comprehension of them into the fabric of belief. Then consciousness will probably be in there is the attitude of science, its optimistic view that the ultimate fabric of reality can be discovered and be comprehensible. Religion Instead of takes the pessimistic view that the ultimate is intrinsically unknowable trying to extract and that human brains are simply too puny to reach full understand- underlying ing. Thus, science respects the simplicity, intellectual capacity of humanity while religion scorns it. religion heaps Scientists are hewers of sim- plicity out of complexity. They complexity on perceive, and enjoy, the awesomely complex, and often stunningly simplicity: its beautiful, attributes of the world around them, but dig deep into its goal appears to foundations to discover the seeds from which that complexity has be to conceal sprung. They are awed but not overawed; they acknowledge the the emptiness of intricacy of the world, and espe- cially of the human brain, but then eMMA SMITh its approach by systematically pursue the sources of that complexity. In contrast, obfuscation instead of extracting underlying Mapping out the distinction between the intellectual simplicity from complexity, religion terms of its simulation by some heaps complexity on simplicity: its pursuits of science and religion, Peter Atkins calls for the kind of computational device (not goal appears to be to conceal the necessarily a digital computer, emptiness of its approach by obfus- decontamination of knowledge through the application but something of a computer-like cation. It seeks complexity (that is, kind). Once a form of consciousness God) as the cause and explanation. of common sense. In doing so he derides God as the has been simulated, we can do a It travels by wild leaps that are variety of experiments to explore often closely and admirably argued ultimate anti-simplicity, and celebrates atheism as the those aspects of the appreciation of with great erudition and scholar- beauty, and all the other attributes apotheosis of the enlightenment that we consider to be especially human. It might be ironical when a conscious computer starts to wor- In the exercise been identified is the realisation the application of common sense: has no purpose whatsoever. Some ship us, its unseen creator! of its power to that it is no longer necessary to go out into the world to make will consider that science dismiss- There is a final point worth propose a mechanism by which an controlled observations on it; ing a deep question as nonsense is making. Atheism is the apotheosis answer deeply entity acquires its behaviour: the make sure that one’s results can a sign that the question is outside of the enlightenment. Scientifi- entity itself commands its own be replicated by another; establish its reach. This would be a valid cally-alert atheism respects the troubling behaviour. Thus, the simplicity how any discoveries fit into the criticism if there were the slightest power of the human intellect to sought by science must be a potent matrix of other discoveries; be evidence that the universe did in strive for and in due course achieve questions, science simplicity, a simplicity that can honest. Through the discovery of fact have a purpose. There is not understanding. Science respects account for the complexity of the this rather straightforward tech- the merest hint of such evidence. humanity. Religion, despite its has to distinguish world. This too is in stark contrast nique, mankind appears to have There is, in my view, a grandeur protestations to the contrary, to religious pursuits of knowledge, stumbled upon a way of reaching a in the view that the universe is scorns humanity by asserting that apparently real where the desire is to come to true understanding of anything of just hanging there, wholly without it is intellectually simply too puny. know, in a sentimental sense at interest, including those aspects of purpose. Were we in the country of the questions from least, the potent complexity that existence that religions have pecu- This important question of intellect, any alliance of science is asserted to be the fount of all. A liarly regarded as their own. whether a creator was involved with religion would amount to its the merely god is the ultimate anti-simplicity: In the exercise of its power to in the creation has occupied a contamination and diminution. The a complexity beyond understand- answer deeply troubling ques- lot of space, and although many scientific method is a gloriously invented and ing, an entity that almost by tions, science has to distinguish will regard it as peripheral to the optimistic flowering of the human definition is outside understanding. apparently real questions from spiritual dimension of religion, intellect, bringing to everyone the heart-warming In other words, a god is a synonym the merely invented and heart- many remain puzzled by the simple opportunity to experience the joy of cognitive defeat, the ultimate warming. Amongst the latter, of fact that there is a universe, and of true comprehension. ship but when examined closely intellectual pessimism, the antith- course, lie a number of questions religions have sought to provide evaporate into opinions guided by esis of the hopeful, optimistic closely considered and regarded as answers. The scientific community prejudice. driving force of science. The same deeply significant by the religious. is working hard to provide an But should the achievement of may be said for the non-science For instance, does the universe observationally verifiable account simplicity be the aim of explana- nonsense of Creationism, mas- have a purpose? This question has of the very early universe and can Peter Atkins is a Fellow of tion? What is simplicity anyway? querading covertly as Intelligent been invented by those who pre- see that one day it may be pos- Lincoln College, Oxford, and the Full simplicity is achieved when Design, which thankfully even judge the issue by considering that sible to account for its incipience author of many textbooks used properties require no further most religious believers do not the universe must have a purpose without having to invoke active worldwide as well as books on explanation. The litmus test to entertain (in this country, at least). if it is here and who cannot come to creation. The recent brouhaha over show that ultimate simplicity has The scientific method is essentially terms with the possibility that it Stephen Hawking’s assertions science for the general reader. MAGAZINE

Meet Mr President: Rahul laid bare p15 Our comprehensive listings for the week ahead p21 Sainsbury’s Basics noodles: the official verdict p23 8th October 2010 Magazine Editors : Alice Hancock & Charlotte Wu 14 MAGAZINE www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

Charlo e Runcie: On e X Factor GOOD

Monkeys: “Being above average at karaoke has nothing to do in charge of security with the ‘personal journey’ of ordinary people...” at Delhi’s Common- wealth Games.

he X Factor is not about because of its drama, its to get carried along by them ‘Summertime’ is just as silly Selk sleeping the music. I’m not saying emotion, and its human inter- any more, so rather than as wailing and gnashing your bags: Tthat in a snobbish “Oh, est. And before you think, weeping in sympathy with teeth over failing to secure Find it but it’s not real music, though, understandably, that I mean poor Rebecca Ferguson, a that well-preserved Regency hard is it? It’s not in the same the formulaic sob stories that single mum from Liverpool, end table. to prise league as, say, Kate Bush” way, get wheeled out several times you fi nd yourself marvelling Yet to watch the show, you’d yourself because obviously it’s better an episode, year after year, at the drama and intricacy of think that not getting past the from your than Kate Bush. It’s just that to the strains of Christina the plotting, and the quantity judges’ houses stage is akin to duvet of a music has absolutely nothing Aguilera’s ‘The Voice Within’ of bald-faced emotional being told the fi ring squad is morning? to do with how brilliant the – the talk of school bullies manipulation. waiting outside, your family Now you’ll show is. and proud dads and fi nally The X Factor could be about will never see you again and, never have to... Using a love of music as achieving something for the tap-dancing, or gardening, worst of all, you’ve let Cheryl an excuse for not watching kids, who are four and two down. More than once per The X Factor is just narrow- show you fear for somebody’s J.K. has admitted minded. Of course anyone who sanity. But Dermot O’Leary’s to feeling another listens to more music than is shirt is always waiting, a installment -or spoon-fed to them during an universal pop star handker- three- of our favou- average edition of The Chris chief, to receive the sea of rite wizard coming Moyles Show will have balked tears from broken wannabes. on. Harry Potter: and raged long before the Music is a red herring. The The Cambridge fi nal straw of TreyC Cohen’s X Factor is a TV programme Years? bracingly hollow RnB perfor- that is interesting for how mance of Radiohead’s ‘Creep’ it veils emotional manipula- at this year’s Boot Camp. tion in extravagant rhetoric, stuffwhitebritslike. But despite Simon Cowell’s sobbing teenagers, pre-written wordpress.com repeated (and increasingly judges’ confl icts and the peren- The Smiths; referring desperate) claims that “this nial participant justifi cation of to people by their is a singing competition” – of and probably sat at home or antique collecting. The “just wanting it so badly.” initials; threatening course it isn’t. TreyC’s rendi- right now screaming at the emotion is so overblown that The live shows start to quit Facebook; tion was mesmerising not for telly and supporting me every the subject of the “talent tomorrow, and I’ll have my Borough Market. her powerful voice or admira- step of the way, and I’m sorry competition” could be about Svengali-vision binoculars, Any of this ringing a ble breath control but for the but I just love them so much literally anything, because and some tissues, at the ready. bell? shot of Louis Walsh bobbing and this is my last chance being above average at But if it’s still not your bag, or his head and mouthing along and oh, Dermot… (at this karaoke has nothing to do you just can’t forgive Cheryl happily, wishing it was him point Dermot moves in with with the ‘personal journey’ of for choosing Katie over Gamu, Carbs: Abercrombie & Fitch giving “I’m a weirdooooo…” an expedient hug) – that’s not ordinary people with fragile worry not, because a sequined fi red a model for eating a some extra vibrato, rather exactly it. self-esteem – and that’s the Ann Widdecombe will be twirl- croissant: the model called it than always waiting in the The tear-jerking moments real backbone of the series. ing around to frantic applause “a question of respect wings. crop up with such wearying Getting this dramatic about on BBC One. What a wonder- during an impor- The X Factor is brilliant regularity that it’s impossible a fl accid cover version of ful world it is. tant job”. At least it wasn’t one of ASDA’s new LETTERS FROM ABROAD: BERLIN ‘Crispwich’s, or Tesco’s heart- attack lasagne sandwich... Dear Varsity,

As I write, I am stuck on the Teufelsberg: the Freshers’ sixth floor of an American Cold War listening- Fatigue: station on top of the ruins of Berlin piled up Like on top of Albert Speer’s Nazi military school, Freshers’ in the middle of a forest. Much as I am enjoy- Flu, but affl ict- ing all that symbolism, it’s rather nippy out; ing the people and although I’m wearin’ me furs, I wouldn’t life rummaging in piles of broken glass and who are staying in mind if someone threw up some fluffy earmuffs cigarette-butts, but now he refuses to come this week to avoid to stop my head going numb. down. The sixth-floor staircase fills him with the “fun”. an inexplicable terror and he attacks anyone Now I’m not one of those people who walks who tries to drag him down it, and we forgot Stand2pee Instructional DVD: around gritty realist 20th-century ruins with to bring the lead. Meanwhile the fling has According to the press release, it a Polaroid camera. It’s just useful to have got very cold and angry, and vegan, so refused is making a stand for female a place like the Teufelsberg in the arsenal. to wear any of me furs, and has just stormed equality. This is one area where For seductive purposes. This is where Ameri- off. And Julius has to catch a plane back to V.gd/V.bad is happy to embrace cans listened to conversations going on in Cambridge. the gender difference... Moscow. Underneath us is the rubble of that glamorous 1920s Berlin. Below it is one of the So I’m sending this mayday postcard via a prime pieces of Hitler’s new Germania. Perfect delightful tourist from Bognor, and if anyone second-date material. happens to be in the area, could they perhaps come with a string of beagle-tempting sausages? So I brought the current fling, and Julius And if they happened to be tall, brown-eyed, who I’m living with, through the forest to bubbly, GSOH, MBA, NK (try looking those up), this suggestive erection. Igor, Julius’ dog, well, I guess I’m single again; how about it? decided to come too. And then we climbed all WLTM, the stairs up and Igor got on with his doggy Ali (Haxie Meyers-Belkin is online) BAD Magazine Editors: Alice Hancock & Charlotte Wu 8th October 2010 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk MAgAzinE 15 SOME QUESTIONS FOR: Rahul Mansigani, CUSU President With his hand at the helm of CUSU, Rahul Mansigani tells Alice Hancock and Charlotte Wu about his upwards trajectory...

College: Robinson When you’re rich and power- School: ful and the University is Queen Elizabeth’s Boys’, offering to name something Barnet after you, what will you Date of birth: request? 23.04.88 The Rahul Mansigani Date of death: Institute for Caffeine and Some time during a Mindless Optimism. University Council meeting... What did you want to be Ethnicity: when you Indian grew up? Religion: Oxford Students’ Union There’s something out President. And they say there, and I don’t think ambitions don’t grow... it’s a flying tea-pot. Emergency contact: What do you want to be when Probably the Women’s you grow up? Officer Hmmm... I don’t know, but Smoker: it would have to have ‘Presi- No... dent’ in it somewhere... Number of sexual partners? I remain devoted to my “Favourite Dictator? college wife Phoebe. Number of pets? Juan Peron. But 0 only because he Where do you live? tangetially starred A beautiful flat in Trinity Hall. in Evita.”

Where do you sleep? What’s the key to happiness? Far too often with my head Garnier Caffeine Eye Roll-On. Also useful are “I first realised that actual keys. What will be written on your I wanted to be a gravestone? “I always said I’d get some megalomaniac when rest some time soon.” I failed to make the Who would play you in the school rugby team. film of your life? Martin Sheen from The West It was the natural Wing. He is wise. alternative” Who will play your arch- on my desk in the CUSU nemesis in the film of your Office. life? Margaret Atwood because he tangentially making me ‘be Bob Crow. Mental health problems: starred in Evita. responsible about things, Napoleon Complex? Where will you be on Wednes- now’. Which Pokémon would play day night? What’s the working title for you in the cartoon of your Drinking gin. And tonic. your spill-all memoirs? What’s the worst joke you’ve life? Favourite book? Somewhere. The Imperial Presidency. ever heard? Jigglypuff. Its name is cute. The Liar by Stephen Fry ‘Run for CUSU President, When did you first realise How many copies will it sell? Rahul. You’ll never have to What’s next for Rahul Actual favourite book?: that you wanted to be a By the time it’s published, it work through the night!” Mansigani? How to Rule the World: a megalomaniac? will be legally mandatory to See answer for my ‘actual Handbook for the Aspir- When I failed to make the have a copy in each home. If you could rule any country favourite book’. ing Dictator by André de school rugby team. It was the (UK and USA aside) which Guillaume natural alternative. Who’s your Cambridge would it be? Do you have anything you’d arch-nemesis? North Korea, because like to ask us? What are you reading? Who’s your favourite dictator? Morgan Wild (the Welfare they respect their leaders Would you like some tea? The Handmaid’s Tale by Juan Peron. But only Officer), because he keeps properly there...

Cambridge University Students’ Union (CUSU) is the University-wide body bringing together JCRs, MCRs and faculty reps representing them to the nUS and the University authorities. CUSU was founded in 1971 and formally recognised by the university authorities on May 25, 1984. its second president was Charles Clarke, later to become the Home Secretary. Other notable ex-Presidents include David Lidington (Tory MP), Pav Akhtar (Labour MP and Chairman of imaan), and Thomas Chigbo. To find out more visit www.cusu.cam.ac.uk 8th October 2010 Features Editor: Lydia Onyett 16 magazinE www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] ‘Nothing but a bunch of angry-for-no-reason lesbians.’ Sisters were doing it for themselves. Then ‘Feminist’ became an ugly brand used to tar outspoken adherents. Rob Sturgeon tells us why women live in fear of a stereotype, and why men should be proud to be from Venus

’m a highly unusual occurrence in victims are women. 75 per cent of Rob on... the world of feminist blogging. The eating disorder sufferers are female, Idiscovery came as a shock to many while less than 22 per cent of MPs of my readers, and very few feminist and 12 per cent of big business direc- Whistleblowers blogs that I’ve come across share this tors are women. In a world of power “Being GLBT doesn’t mean you are same characteristic of mine. I’m a man. and subjection, being male is key. aware of the danger of using homopho- Perhaps more unusual still is my bic slurs. In fact, it doesn’t even absolute passion for the subject. I n computers from Brazil to New prevent you from being homophobic. have been known to rant about Zealand, from Sweden and the “I think it’s excellent that straight advertising, reproductive rights, the OPhilippines to the US and UK, people call out homophobia, just as I sex industry, contraception, abortion, feminists are writing on the prolific think it’s excellent that white people body image, eating disorders, domes- inequalities that still divide the call out racism. Recognising your privi- tic violence: the lot. Contrary to the genders. All views are allowed, many lege is an essential step to preventing reductive stereotype, feminists can are fiercely challenged, and the direc- further oppressive behaviour.” be people of all races, genders, ages tion and diversity of the movement is and classes. The bra-burning, lesbian seen nowhere more poignantly than Pornography man-haters of the stereotype are the internet. gone precisely because we are here. Any woman can become a feminist “The fact of the matter is, sex is We are feminists beyond definition. blogger, as long as she embraces the between two or more people as an These misconceptions have almost interpersonal experience. To exploit defeated the cause, turned it into a it as a material is to take away its fringe movement, a ‘cackle of rads’ emotional and human value. There as Sarah Palin famously called her “Most people do not has been much research indicating feminist critics. Feminism has been that the dehumanisation of porn sidelined to the point that it is socially question why women actors can have a disastrous effect unacceptable to say ‘I am a feminist’. on the viewer… [T]here is damage It’s time to turn it around. spend more time getting in dehumanisation regardless of how ethical it appears. What people need espite its mythical status ready, why they cannot more than sexualised images is sex today, male feminism is walk home alone and education, and the chance to learn certainly nothing new. For respect in relationships rather than D instance, John Stuart Mill was a very why they do not make the apparent importance of sex.” important figure in early feminism, and published The Subjection of up even a quarter of our Legalised Prostitution Women in 1866. But the number of nation’s Parliament.” “Indoor prostitution is less danger- modern men unafraid to use the ous than street prostitution. But the label of feminism is still very low. I conclusions of this study are that frequently write about the problems women are pushed onto the street if that women face, from pink, fluffy, they don’t meet legal requirements, gender-specific toys in the nursery to increasing the street trade. Beyond sexual harassment in school. When spirit of equality that challenges the danger of legalisation, state female criticisms arise, they expect entrenched traditions and established endorsement invites men, saying ‘go gender to be my undoing. “You’ve concepts. There is no doctrine, no ahead, women are there to please really helped me in growing a notable rules and no single goal besides that. you.’ With the high incidence of rape, dislike for feminists,” commented one The community is made up of straight men already feel they are entitled to anonymous reader, adding – rather women, gay women and trans women, women’s bodies. Let’s not add state disturbingly – “I’m female”. religious women and atheist women, endorsement to the mix.” If women say they are equal, they white women and ethnic minority must be so, right? This anonymous women. Their ideas are often radical Language critic went on to say that elements of and reactionary; their online world inequality are just the way that free a place where any sniff of injustice “Now it’s easy… to use ‘fag’ in jest, in choice manifests itself. Her experience rapidly spreads and inequality is sensitive to sexism; I have never truly an informal scenario where no one was one without noticeable oppres- widely discussed. Rather than a experienced it. But I have learnt by is in danger of being assaulted and sion, where only misogynists were dogmatic and prescriptivist horde of observation and research that there potentially murdered for their sexual- guilty of crimes against women. She extremists without a sense of humour, are serious, measurable inequali- ity. But it’s important to remember added that feminism’s work was done: these bloggers are radically differ- ties in modern society that continue that the word is still used in such women had the same rights as men. ent when expressing the need for the unchecked, unquestioned and a context, as an insult against gay Unfortunately, inequality goes far movement in the modern age. uncorrected. people and against straight people deeper than subjective experience, “Nowadays, they’re nothing but a The World Economic Forum releases who act against the expectations of deeper than the right to vote and the bunch of angry-for-no-reason lesbi- an annual Gender Gap Report, which their gender or sexuality.” right to work. While women’s legal ans,” writes one blogger. If feminists uses its own index of multiple inequal- rights have improved in the UK, one were just women bitter about men, ity measures to rank countries by ROB STURGEON is a prolific blogger in four will be set upon by a current how does that explain me? I’ve been gender equality. In 2006, the UK was and author of The Lighthouse. Visit or former partner. 75 per cent of aware of sexism in our society my 9th. In 2009, it was 15th. What does his blog at www.i-am-the-lighthouse. mothers are still the primary carers whole life. I didn’t come to these this mean? Not only is the UK far tumblr.com. for their children. 91 per cent of rape conclusions because WI was overly short of being the world’s most equal Features Editor: Lydia Onyett 8th October 2010 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk magazinE17 ‘Nothing but a bunch of angry-for-no-reason lesbians.’

CLaUDia STOCKER Sisters were doing it for themselves. Then ‘Feminist’ became an ugly brand used Banter: Handle to tar outspoken adherents. Rob Sturgeon tells us why women live in fear of a With Care stereotype, and why men should be proud to be from Venus he boxer David Haye sparked a controversy back in September Twith an ill-judged allusion to gang rape. I wonder whether this slight can truly be pardoned with that nonchalant shoulder-shrug of an excuse, ‘banter’. In some ways, that typically postmodern (or is that post-postmod- ern?) phenomenon of addressing with irony and cynicism all the taboos of our parents’ and grand- parents’ generations is opening up greater sexual equality. But, never- theless, its most celebrated forms are thinly-veiled, satirical sexism. Any ‘get-back-to-the-kitchen’ joke, however sarcastically pitched, stisll promote chauvinism and permit the perpetuation of the gender stereo- types they claim to mock. The evolution of new, parodic meanings for the word ‘rape’ similarly sees the most violent and blatant disregard for a person’s rights as a light-hearted prank. From the current ‘frape’ (Facebook rape) craze, to the tinfoiling, post-it noting ‘room rape’ vogues – call me a killjoy, but these jokes have no place in a world in which it is estimated that 25 per cent of women will experience some form of rape in her lifetime. Yes, we should all have a sense of humour regarding our misfortunes. Yes, we should adopt a light-hearted approach to life. But rape is one of the most horrific things that can happen to a person; a fact which offenders ultimately deny by persisting in their day-to-day use of ‘harmless’ banter. Banter assumes, prematurely, that the gender stereotypes we mock are already dead – a presumption easily made in the relatively egalitar- ian bubble that is Cambridge. We cannot allow ourselves to forget the realities of what I must, somewhat ludicrously, refer to as the ‘outside world’; nor must we fail to acknowl- edge how recent the history of the country, it is progressively getting overwhelmingly misogynistic nature because I challenge misogyny and struggle for gender equality is. worse by measures of political, corpo- of our gender gap shortcomings. I ‘blame’ men for the inequality that As a girl who was once commended rate and social empowerment. Most in fact hurts them too: organisations for her command of ‘lad banter’, the people do not question why women y rejecting their outdated ideals like Fathers for Justice fight for equal fact that this came as a surprise is spend more time getting ready, why of masculinity and notions custodial rights for men. Traditional disconcerting to say the least. Yes, they cannot walk home alone and why Bof chivalry, men can be the perceptions of masculinity stifle the banter is capable of scaling the pure they do not make up even a quarter of essential cogs in a tired, stuttering expression of emotion in men, who heights of undiminished homosocial- our nation’s parliament. The reality is machine. Men can, and should, be feel just as deeply and intensely as ity. But, Lads of Cambridge, don’t that women are under more pressure feminists. The first step is to start their female counterparts. The reality think we don’t understand why you to appear attractive, to protect questioning everything we think is that feminism is a force against like to ‘watch 4oD’ by yourself in themselves from rape rather than we know about gender in society. all gender inequality, not a crusade the evening, or what ‘three o’clock’ addressing the problem of rapists, Feminists can’t be lesbian man-haters against men. Feminism is a force means. We may not sympathise, but and to realise that power is still very if anyone can be feminist. I could for good, and the more men begin we understand: we speak banter too. much a man’s game. I use the label be called a man-hater because to question their roles in society the ELLIE CHAN of feminism because it highlights the I challenge masculine attitudes, more progress we can make. 8th October 2010 Arts Editors: Eliot D’Silva & Zeljka Marosevic 18 MAgAZinE www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

Operating Theatre in a couple of weeks, Cambridge’s Zoology Musuem will be transformed into a space for an offbeat student opera. Edward Herring chews the fat with composers Kate Whitley and Joe Snape

eople on the train must have educational, child-friendly piece to finds a correlative in how it was conceived, various other musicians in Cambridge) been practically gagging at the haggling for unwanted ribs and dissected as recounted by Snape: “I sent Kate a seek to re-evaluate how opera can be “Psweaty, festering animal stench cows to use as instruments. Snape told broken text with a sketchy outline of performed, striving to alter our concep- seeping from my rucksack.” of how he “started spending a lot of time the story at about two in the morning... tions of the medium. Joe Snape’s anecdote reads more like in the zoology museum, with these huge on a replacement bus service between Whitley stated how she doesn’t “know a butcher complaining about carcass- skeletons...and began thinking about Manchester and Sheffield”. anyone else [in Cambridge] who has related faux pas than a musician what flesh and bones might actually It’s also interesting to note how Snape tried this sort of collaboration” and struggling to carry instruments to a sound like”. “We wanted to find something and Whitley imitated their fictional Snape pointed out how “within the performance. However Snape is describ- that would fit the zoology museum setting bird as they went about recording their University scene there’s much less ing the summertime journey he made – hence thinking about animals, vultures, grizzly sounds. While each composed [electronic music] going on” than there to Essex to perform the prologue to skeletons and carcasses...so this is where separately, both had a hand in the aural should be. Yet they are not working Bonesong; a new opera composed jointly Bonesong started”. manipulation of raw meat. Whitley without precedent. They wrote the music with Kate Whitley, which combines The story of Bonesong uses a strange revealed how they sat in the music to a libretto by St Catharine’s student orchestral music, electronics, vultures confluence of ideas to its advantage. A faculty recording studio “snapping bones Conrad Steel, rendering this project and the sounds of animal meat being vulture falls in love with a girl, and in and ripping meat for about an hour.” what librettist-composer dynamic torn from the bone. order to seduce her he kills her brother “We came out smelling disgusting (and Whitley acknowledges as “tried and The project stems from Carmen and turns his carcass into an instru- I got blood on Joe’s glasses) but with tested”. Snape’s electronic interludes Elektra: Opera Underground, the brain- ment. Entrancing her with music from lots of lovely sounds”. Similarly, Snape were also written to poems, penned by child of music student Whitley, director this instrument, he whisks her away to performed an extract with “a laptop and fellow student Sarah McKee. This four- Thom Andrews and conductor Will [a] pig’s ribcage” much to the chagrin of way collaboration is a vital example of Gardner who wanted to counter the the Essex promoter who inquired “what the benefits of student music – a variety “formality and sterility of concert halls” the fuck is that smell?” when Snape of voices cohering to thread together by producing performances of opera in “We came out smelling entered the building. Just as the vulture a set of disparate ideas, ending with the informal setting of Clare Cellars. disgusting (and I got reforms a lifeless trunk to make his something strange and, in Bonesong’s This attempt to reinvigorate inter- seductive music, Snape and Whitley case, original. As Whitley puts it, this est in such a seemingly staid form blood on Joe’s glasses) have constructed a series of sounds from cooperation “flies in the face of ideas of was, Whitley states, a defence method the mangling of inanimate matter. The creative autonomy, individuality, and against the way “our generation are but with lots of lovely 20-minute Bonesong is being performed authorship...the composer struggling [sic.] being alienated by the conserva- sounds” alongside H.K. Gruber’s Frankenstein, with his work alone”. tism, rigidity, and formality of it [concert another tale of gore and galvanism. Snape reiterates this sentiment: “It hall opera]”. Resultantly, the music his roost. She wakes the next morning, There’s a crooked metaphor lurking would be cool if more people made faculty’s outreach programme commis- discovers what has happened and tries in all this phonic recharging of dead music with electronic [media]...and sioned an original opera to be performed to escape. As they fight he knocks her to animals. The experimental nature of more music is always a good thing”. As in the University Museum of Zoology as the ground and kills her. Bonesong, a result of Whitley’s aversion long as Cambridge students are willing part of the Festival of Ideas for an educa- It is a plot conceived specifically to exploit to the fusty practices of mainstream to create together, better art will be tion project about opera. the range of animal skeletons on display opera and Snape’s enthusiasm for all produced. But for the sake of hygiene, Perhaps the most startling aspect in the zoology museum, casting a series things electronic, seems a world away avoid the butcher’s approach. of Bonesong’s development is how the of warped shadows as the drama unfolds. from the polished formality of classi- Bonesong will be performed on 29th composers leapt from producing an The eccentricity of this atmospheric plot cal music. Both composers (along with October Arts Editors: Eliot D’Silva & Zeljka Marosevic 8th October 2010 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk MAGAZINE 19 Fashion: don’t confuse the art with ‘My opinion is right’ the industry Acerbic fi lm critic Mark Kermode speaks to Philip ntil this summer, I wanted to be Maughan about owing Cambridge his life Usomeone who worked in fashion. I also must have CHARLOTTE WU wanted to be someone who felt a little like Jason Bourne. After anyone would ever doubt his belief sat around reading poetry, being pursued for ten minutes down that it’s only a movie.) “It’s a bit like seeing as I am now going into my I the labyrinthine corridors of BBC that footballer who once famously said third year as an English student. Television Centre, a tall, suited and football isn’t a matter of life and death, My room is crammed with copies of quiffed Mark Kermode fi nally collared it’s much more than that.” Vogue and literary works, but as I’m me, sat me down in the 5 Live studios So how did this scholarly, socially- sure readers of this article will testify, and got straight to the point. “I don’t conscious young man ever end up as something being in print doesn’t mean want any other people to agree with Britain’s best-known and perhaps that it is of focal signifi cance. Ironi- me” he explains, and having seen some most feared fi lm critic? “What I did cally I think academia taught me this. of his most ferocious critical lampoons when I was a kid was I went to the An American don impishly sized up unravel, I have no reason to doubt him, cinema. Other people did things like the dangers of allowing one discourse “everyone’s opinion is different, it just played sport, went to parties and had to envelop you with his collection of happens my opinion is right”. girlfriends; I didn’t.” After twenty years satirical essays: The Pooh Perplex; In As anyone who has seen Dr of reviewing fi lms, it seemed fi tting for Which It Is Discovered that the True Kermode on the BBC’s Culture Show him to tell his story through the fi lms Meaning of the Pooh Stories is Not or heard him on 5 Live will testify, he as he remembers them – though he as Simple as is Usually Believed; But pulls no punches. His approach to fi lm tells me he doesn’t much bother with for Proper Elucidation Requires the criticism is all out subjectivity, e.g., the distinction anyway. “I’ve never Combined Efforts of Several Academi- “The Exorcist 2: The Heretic is by far really distinguished between fi lms and cians of Varying Critical Persuasions the stupidest fi lm anybody has ever reality. As you live life it’s raw footage; (New York, 1963). made. Ever.” Soon followed up with a you edit and construct a version of it Fashion is rather like academia in second bowlful of hyperbole – “I think which is the director’s cut of your life. this sense. There’s an industry around Sex and the City 2 is actually corrosive, But it’s only true for you.” both which requires them to keep hugely offensive and really, genuinely Kermode upset some of our readers churning out new material, new ideas- bad”. recently by knocking the University’s or at least new takes on old material Yet even in his condemnation, dominance in The Times’ international and old ideas. There’s an element of Kermode is inventive, witty and self- university rankings. The problem with each which embarrasses the ‘true’ aware. It isn’t solely his cinematic these tables is that, unlike Mark, they perpetrators of the discipline. Popular- gag-refl ex that provokes the 47-year- are not prepared to admit the subjec- with-the-public scholars like Stephen old critic to respond as he does, but tive element behind their fi ndings Hawking and Alain de Botton report- rather a fi rm belief in the subjective – “don’t get me wrong, it’s a magnifi cent edly make scientists and philosophers nature of all criticism, academic or University, my mum and dad met at groan with each new book, even as otherwise. “There’s a load of people Cambridge, if it wasn’t for Cambridge their own manuscripts make their way who’ve read my book or listened to the I wouldn’t exist. But to say any univer- to the publishers. Mayo show and said that they were sity is better than all others in all There are similar examples to be entertained, but completely disagreed disciplines is just plain stupid.” found in every art. A friend once with almost everything I said. To So what do his Cambridge alumni asked me why fashion needed such a me, that’s perfect. As long as they’re parents, both medical doctors, think of big industry around it, commentat- entertained and understand that when their son’s chosen career path? “The ing and judging in glossy reams. The I say these things, I mean them. I’m two pieces of advice my dad gave me answer is that it doesn’t – we do. Film not saying Pirates of the Caribbean is when I was young were “stop watch- as an artistic endeavour doesn’t need evil just to be funny. I don’t think it is ing all those fi lms” and “learn to speak the critics and the producers and funny, I think it’s seriously bad for the properly”. I’ve always said I must be a the press junkets – in fact, they are world.” great disappointment to him because usually a great nuisance to the fi lm Described by the Scotsman as, “a I’ve made a living [by] speaking makers themselves – but without the feminist, a near vegetarian (he eats improperly about all those fi lms.” fi lm industry, they wouldn’t be able fi sh), a churchgoer and a straight- Mark’s wife, Professor Linda Ruth to make the fi lm at all. Just as actors arrow spouse who just happens to Williams, is also a fi lm buff, lecturing would rather talk about their work enjoy seeing people’s heads explode in Film at the University of Southamp- than their love lives, the designers across a cinema screen,” it seems ton. I wonder if having two outspoken don’t necessarily condone the celebrity Kermode is keen to stand by all his fi lm critics in the house ever brings endorsements, the facile magazine’s choices in life. Unlike other media them domestic unrest – “we tend to must-have-items, or the swarm of ‘doctors’ (Dré, Fox, um … Robotnik), agree,” he says, “but there was one high-street copies. Those things are our critic has a PhD in English. He occasion early on, that I felt, was a the necessary evils which allow the wrote his thesis on horror fi ction at the deal-breaker.” The fi lm was Lars Von intricate and exquisite craft of haute University of Manchester in the 1980s Trier’s Breaking the Waves, a fi lm couture to happen (often at a loss); where he also engaged in the social Mark had given a scathing review, like the journalism hack-jobs Evelyn and political uprisings of the period, but which he was made to rewatch Waugh endured to pay for Brideshead committed then as now to making at the behest of his new wife. “We sat Revisited. A kind of reverse patronage known his views on what is and what separately so my reaction wouldn’t system has emerged. is not bad for the world. bother her. As I saw it, I thought, ‘this The lowest common denominators Previously he had written books on is hateful, I really, really despise it. of art are not a fair representation of specifi c fi lms for the BFI, but never What am I going to do if she likes it?’” the whole. Is poetry as an art form anything that captured the famil- In the black-and-white, right- diminished by greetings-card verses iar, candid voice of his fi lm reviews, and-wrong Kermodean universe, or architecture by a concrete car-park? something he has attempted to undo differences of opinion can be fatal. I’m not saying that because fashion is through a new book. “I wanted to write “We came out and there was silence, I not trivial, it is consequently vital. But a book like I talk, it’s an autobiogra- looked at her and said, ‘so’? – ‘Bollocks’ like any art, ‘it awakens and enlar- phy written through the fi lms I saw came the reply, and I thought to myself, gens the mind itself by rendering it as a kid.” The book It’s Only a Movie ‘that’s my girl’.” the receptacle of a thousand unappre- takes its title from the original poster hended combinations of thought’, and of 1972 horror classic The Last House Mark Kermode’s book, It’s only ought to be respected for what it can on the Left (“to avoid fainting, keep a Movie is published on 4th be, rather than derided for what some repeating, ‘it’s only a movie,’” as if November. make it. 8th October 2010 Magazine Editor: Alice Hancock and Charlotte Wu 20 MAGAZINE www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] Food and Drink My degree: CompSci

ALEX LASS oke up bang on 11 to for gaming. You’re probably wonder- Few people know this but 2 my iTunes alarm app I suppose I’ve never truly ing which font I’m typing in, out of 3 CompScis are either The highlight of touring with Won my vintage nokia moved on from Tetris. I still which is frankly distracting; men or women, but it still CAST’s The Tempest was not (yes it can be done, but don’t fi nd myself playing it in the it’s a mix of Lucinda Hand- always feels like a sausage performing the Bard to packed try), so I had loads of time to shower, but I’ve convinced my writing and Stencil, by the fest in the IT Lab. To be fair I houses of grinning Americans, torrent my reading list. I’ve college (near Corpus, but not way. On weekends I use some applied to Cambridge think- nor the impromptu after-show got to read ‘Paintshop Profes- Catz or Jesus) to buy me a Sans Serif shit because some- ing it was a course for com- parties with hoards of college sional for Amateurs’ and/or N64 for my portfolio on ‘game times you’ve got to chill-out petent skiers, but it’s been girls. Yes, you guessed it: the strictly also ‘Excel at EXCEL x’ (complicated stuff but just and just type. a good learning experience. best part without doubt has excellently you XL: a guide for imagine Diddy Kong Racing, For example, did you know been the food. OMG! the obese’ by Monday, which but with Mario and friends). that an electronic mouse was is roughly today, so you do the Holy Damn! My Blackberry named as such because mice New York City arithmetic. Better still, do it just crashed and I lost all are also small? I did, and yet The city is a food-lover’s on my iPad, not that I’d lend of this document except the learning it from an expert paradise. You can eat anything, it to you; I don’t know you and above. Basically, I went on to really re-enforces it. any time, anywhere. During I haven’t bought one yet. predict that Apple will make Right I need to go pick up our all-too-brief stop there I At midnight last night my a laptop that is forbidden to my new USB stick (2m) sampled the succulent, market- bedder (European) naively eat a human but does it any- from Boots. I’ve hacked fresh Italian cooking at Chelsea asked, “Why do you have a way and so is outcast and my loyalty card so I get favourite Tre Dici (the pan- PC screen sellotaped to your causes eternal damna- my receipts printed in seared Ahi Tuna is to die for, as laptop?”Answer? You guessed tion etc. My DoS is really red ink. Result! Logout. are the parmesan-encrusted it: “because it was a silly dare against it, and so am I, truffl e French-fries), authentic and I regret it”. Also it’s ideal which is annoying. KATE JONES As told to Ben Ashenden Mexican street food in hip Williamsburg and brunch at Norma’s in Le Parker Meridien SUPERVISION NOTES: he glory of the “little star” glory of Satan (Lucifer, Lat: lu- we derive the English word Hotel (luxurious raisin bran P CTICAL CRITICISM in this poem is juxta- cem + ferre - ‘light bringer’, the “adamant”. In other words, ac- overfl owing with juicy berries posed with the glory of morning star) with the glory of cording to the poet, compared followed by ‘Upstream Eggs T the “sun”. But far too many God’s son. with Satan’s grandeur ‘ADAM’ Benedict’). I left the Big Apple critics have failed to notice the Satan is elevated (“high”, is an ‘ANT’. The poet belittles bursting at the seams… common C18th pun on “son”. “up above the world”), he is both of God’s creations: man There is no doubt that the poet “like a diamond”. “Diamond” and God’s son Christ. This Ashurst, Massachusetts means “the son of God”. The is an analogue of the Greek rhyme in truth is an impreca- The 16-strong cast and crew poet essentially equates the word αδαµαντας from which tion for the return of Satan. stayed with a lovely couple called Jamie and Ricki Carroll. Ricki is known by all as ‘The Cheese Queen’, being a nationally renowned expert in home cheese-making. After the College Horoscopes show we were treated to some unusual and delicious home- made cheeses: cheddar, hard Astrological Adam and Psychic Phil stir your tea leaves... sheep’s milk, and crumbly goat curd made with raspberries, Your friends mock and jibe you for your persistent attempts all full of subtle, autumnal to bed your college daughter. But remember: though Cam- fl avours. bridge is steeped in odd traditions, just because she’s your college daughter, it doesn’t stop her being your actual sister. – MAGDALENE Hartwick College, Oneonta This small private college in the northern foothills of the Catskill Mountains gave us You are so proud to be studying at an institution that’s almost a quarter as old as the planet. However, for some reason you our fi rst taste of all-you-can-eat feel your beliefs are unwelcome. You didn’t expect all these college canteen dining. For ‘facts’. – DARWIN $6.50 we were able to eat our fi ll and then go back for more. And more. And more. The You will fi ght on the beaches, you will fi ght on the landing choice was unbelievable. If only grounds, you will fi ght in the fi elds. Unfortunately what you’re Hall back at Cambridge offered fi ghting is a rather severe case of Chlamydia, and Chlamydia such bespoke dining. doesn’t care about geography. – CHURCHILL

Little Washington, Virginia Known to residents as ‘The Real Washington’, this Why are you reading this? We already told you, you’re not picturesque town boasts one good enough! Stop trying to be one of us. You’re not. Take of America’s most renowned your two A*s and an A and piss off. – DURHAM eating experiences. The Inn at Little Washington is Chef Patrick O’Connell’s haute cuisine dining experience. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that we have quoted With mouth-watering items the wrong book. Sorry. This week’s on us. – EMMANUEL like carpaccio of herb-crusted lamb with caesar salad ice cream on the $135 a la carte menu (there’s also a $240 The Varsitorialist Tuesday night will be busy, after you booked in four clients. eight course tasting menu) it One might just have to watch. You tell yourself you work is no surprise that DC bigwigs Natasha Footman, 3rd-year Geography student, Jesus too hard, but then Marv does need another rhinestone cane. regularly hop over here when “I like to be playful with fashion, so I’ll mix up colours and trends to You’d do it for free if they just told you they loved you. – they get a bit peckish. Needless refl ect my own tastes and personality. Most of my outfi ts are a mix of HOMERTON to say we ate at the café hard and soft, since I don’t like to channel just one look at any time.” nearby! IF YOU’D LIKE TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED BY THE VARSITORIALIST, EMAIIL [email protected] FOR MORE, FOLLOW @VARSITYUK ON TWITTER AND LOOK OUT FOR #COLLEGEHOROSCOPES reviews and listings editor: julia lichnova 8th October 2010 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk liStingS 21 Listings Pick of the Week clare cellars: grum & piez agamemnon: cambridge greek play 2010 clare cellarS, Friday 8th OctOber, 21.00-00.30 (£4/£5) artS theatre, 13-16th OctOber, 14.30 & 19.45 (£15/£20/£25) Electro genius Grum (aka Graeme Shepherd) takes to the Experience Aeschylus’ study in power and betrayal in its most decks for the first Cellars of the year. Appearing alongside visceral form. Performed in the original Greek, English surtitles Cambridge student Piez, expect catchy, feel-good tunes from might be provided, but there’s nowhere to hide from the shatter- the versatile DJ and prolific remixer. Think Mylo, only more ing tragedy of this play. A rare opportunity to hear the powerful fresh-faced. rhythms of an ancient piece.

Music Talks Film & Nightlife Theatre Arts & Events

Made in Dagenham Friday 8th October Saturday 9th October Saturday 9th October artS picturehOuSe, daily, 18.50 (except Rosie Ventris & Kate Whitley The Alchemist John Cage: Every Day is a The Shop Opening thurSday, 18.45, Saturday, 19.30) Kettle’S yard, 13.10 (Free) adc theatre, tueS -Sat, 19.45 (14.30 Saturday the ShOp, 18 jeSuS lane, 13.00 - 17.00 matinee) (£6/£8) Good Day - Destiny or Nature Already tipped by Mark Kermode A lunchtime viola and piano recital, Watch with glee as Jonson’s Kettle’S yard, 25th September - 14 nOvember, Perennial hangout for some, but as one of his top five for 2010, take from Handel to Takemitsu. priceS vary unknown entity for most, The Shop keenly observed characters take This talk by Prof. Adrian Seville it back to 1968 with Nigel Cole’s to the stage in reopens on Saturday. new film. A feel-good follow-up to Professor Green accompanies the ongoing exhibi- Pick Music, art, and a film j1, the junctiOn, 19.00 (£10) the Marlowe Calendar Girls, expect a heady tion and considers the importance of the screening, as well Hackney’s battle-MC turned cuddly Society’s new mix of picket lines, chauvinism and of games of chance to the graphic week as the chance to get pop star arrives in Cambridge on production of beehive haircuts. There’s even a work of John Cage. Events involved yourself. the back of a couple of sample-heavy this painfully sex scene in a Ford Corsair. Juicy. summer hits and some reasonable funny play. Ongoing exhibitions thursday 12th October acclaim. Wince as the chaos unfolds Epic of the Persian Kings: The Poker Night cambridge uniOn, weeKly, 19.00 (£3 memberS, £6 Clare Cellars: Grum & Piez and pray that the cast aren’t Art of Ferdowsi’s Shahnameh nOn-memberS) clare cellarS, 21.00-00.30 (£4/£5) Fitzwilliam muSeum, 11th September - 9th See Pick of the Week. still infectious. january Satisfy your craving for cards and Pick be in with the chance to win a £15 Saturday 9th October of the Agamemnon: Cambridge bar tab. Professional staff are on week hand to keep the booze flowing and Warning vs. Music Greek Play 2010 Metalheadz artS theatre, 13-16th Pick the chips flying. the junctiOn, 22.00-06.00 (£15) OctOber, 14.30 & 19.45 of the (£15/£20/£25) Goldie squares up to Cambridge week See Pick of the Week Theatre The Browne Review Forum As You Like It residents Commix for eight hours cambridge uniOn, 19.30 - 20.30 vue, mOnday 11th OctOber, 14.00, tueSday 12th, of the darkest Drum & Bass. Rude. 18.15. Meanwhile in the chamber... A Groundlings rejoice! Ajar response to the government review Matthew Sandy cOrpuS playrOOm, tueS -Sat, 19.00 (£5) See Thea Sharrock’s jeSuS cOllege chapel, 20.00 (Free) on student finance, this joint Pick Middle-class angst comes to Ferdowsi, shahnameh, 2009 Globe production He sang to the Pope; let him sing to FitzwiLLiam museum, CUSU/CUS forum will discuss the of the the fore as a result of a chance cambridge without getting rained you. Dowland, Purcell and Boyce. impact of budget cuts on higher week encounter with a travelling on or being forced to education. Probably best not to piss Film Sunday 10th October saleswoman in this new play by stand through it all. Marvel at the exquisite illumina- your loan away in the bar before- Suzanne Burlton. They’ve filmed it, you see, so all Clare Jazz tions in the Book of hand then. clare cellarS, 21.00 (£4) Kings, the most impor- Pick you need to do now is head down The Get Up and the EllaFunks play tant creation of New of the thursday 14th October to Vue. pure hammond-organ-led funk with Naked StageFestival week adc bar, Sunday 10th OctOber, 19.00 (£5/£6) Persian Literature. Arts Chris Mullins The Social Network Preview big licks and jazz flute. Murder, tedium and how to change Twice as long as the heFFerS bOOKShOp, 18.45 (Free) a tyre. Scriptwriting forum A Journey wearing you down? Try Screening The Magic Iliad and Odyssey together, it mOnday 11th OctOber, 16.15, artS picturehOuSe WriteON take over the ADC bar blends myths with historical events this instead. The self-deprecating (Free tO all varSity readerS) Numbers to present three pieces of new j1, the junctiOn, 19.00 to celebrate a culture that began former Labour MP talks about his Free to all Varsity readers! Just (£14) writing, the first in a month-long over 7,000 years ago. latest diaries. go to www.showfilmfirst.co.uk and Welcome their series of readings. enter code 768245. Apparently incessantly Gauguin: Maker of Myth This House believes the Work it features “unpredictability and cheerful brand tate mOdern, lOndOn, 30th September - 16 january, priceS vary of Feminism is just beginning sex” - but Mark Zuckerberg is not of indie-folk-pop cambridge uniOn, 19.30 amused. into your lives Be moved by the painter of exotic Bonnie Greer shares the floor and wonderful things will happen. dreams, “symphonies and harmo- with Philip Davies, Tory MP and Mr Nice nies that represent nothing in the artS picturehOuSe, parliamentary spokesman for daily, 21.00 (except Paula Downes & David Trippett real sense of the word.” Featuring Fitzwilliam muSeum, 13.15 (Free) The Campaign Against Political thurSday, 21.10) many of his iconic works, this is Corectness. Everyone’s Promenade concert with soprano Paula rapidly proving to be the show of favourite drug Downes and piano accompaniment. the season. smuggler gets tuesday 12th October The Complete Works Too Many People, Not Enough of William Shakespeare Planet? his very own mccrum lecture theatre, ben’et St (next tO biopic. Rhys (Abridged) the eagle), 19.30 (Free) $hoplifting adc theatre, wedS -Sat, 23.00 (£5/£7) hidden rOOmS, 20.30-00.00 (£2) A panel debate exploring the issue Ifans stars as Watch the Marlowe Society of overpopulation. Featuring the Howard Marks, the affable peddler With the promise of ‘Bargain bastardise the Bard as they romp whose extra-curricular hijinks got Basement’ drinks deals and entry Guardian’s Environment Editor, through 37 plays in 57 minutes, pauL gauguin: nevermore o Fred Pearce. him seven years of chokey. And at only £2 before 10pm, why not try throwing in the odd poem for good tahiti, 1897 now, presumably, some pretty somewhere new for a change? measure too. hefty royalties. tO have SOmething liSted On theSe pageS, e-mail julia lichnOva at [email protected] by nO later than mOnday On the weeK OF publicatiOn. 8th October 2010 Reviews Editor: Julia Carolyn Lichnova 22REVIEWS www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

Album Reviews

Disc-overy TINIE TEMPAH 

It’s important not to judge an album named Disc-overy by high end hip-hop’s standards. Illmatic this is not, but as a pop record tuned into today’s teenage tastes it’s as effective as ‘Get Rich or Die Trying’ was to the Bebo generation. Cleverly pitched at those who should know better as well as those who shouldn’t, Disc- overy plays out as a dot-to-dot of fantasy night-time engagements punctuated by ravey synths and dirty tongue twisters. After ‘Miami 2 Ibiza’, the noise of would-be jetsetters ‘surrounded by some bunnies...’ has drowned out grumpy old blogger eulogies for UK urban ‘...and it aint even Easter.’ You were having so much fun you barely noticed you ordered a VK. SAM GOULD

Halcyon Digest DEERHUNTER Making their own tourist history Julia Carolyn Lichnova and Nathanael Arnott-Davies chat to Two Door Cinema Club about America, electro-pop and cockroaches

louching on couches in a bare was a pool backstage,” reminisces notes Kevin. “Everywhere we wouldn’t see that in London.” dressing room, they have all bassist Kevin Baird. “We heard went after that, like say London, The band recently gave up Sthe look of a band on the go. it was just going to be lots of big didn’t really feel like there was a their London fl at. Kevin exlains:  Now playing more shows than ever, sweaty crew guys… but it was music scene, because there were so “We had a fl at in Whitechapel…” Two Door Cinema Club are really really good.” many bands.” “In Belfast everyone “Shitechapel”, Alex corrects him Though Deerhunter’s output making their own Tourist History. Hailing from Northern Ireland, is really good friends and helps – “…we spent most of our time since 2007’s violent Cryptograms “Glasto was great. The nights at the band started out on the each other out. But London is very in East London, but we stopped has been consistently engrossing Shepherd’s Bush Empire were Belfast music scene. “It’s pretty competitive,” adds guitarist Sam renting a few weeks ago as we and subtly changing, there’s now amazing – completely sold out”, small and pretty contained - quite Halliday. They plan a mini-tour of were touring so much. And our a confi dence to Bradford Cox’s they rave. Benicassim was good isolated. There are a lot of very Ireland in December. tour bus is a lot nicer – it doesn’t playing that makes their music too: “They don’t just make up these good bands. Belfast in my head Meanwhile, they’re working on have cockroaches like our fl at did.” more extroverted. Drummer rock’n’roll stories – there really was what a music scene was,” the second album. “We’re not going Currently, the band prefers West Moses Archuleta adds a distinct to take any time off to make it,” London, and wonder why they don’t set of textures, whether he’s says Kevin, spitting in the face of live there instead. buffeting Cox’s vocal outbursts on LIVE MUSIC Diffi cult Second Album syndrome. You may have seen TDCC in May ‘Revival’ or bringing tension to a “We never set ourselves a bound- Week last year. “It’s just ridiculous perfectly timed coda on the show- was the best gig on their last UK ary, we just see how it goes.” The how much money they must spend stopping ‘Desire Lines’. Lyrically Two Door tour. I feel like challenging this band are equally blasé about their on balls”, they sigh, having played too, each song brims with most likely calculated claim but album artwork, “the last thing they at Christ’s, Jesus and Sidney personality. At this time of year, Cinema Club refrain from doing so when the think about”, though Kev loved the Sussex. “The shows were awful,” how cutting are these lines that The Junction potential embarrassment of being Tourist History cat’s eyes so much Alex announces bluntly. “They stand out from the sunlit tones of beaten up by 40 chequered shirt- that he had them tattooed under were all outside, near residential ‘Memory Boy’: “That October, she wearing 15-year-olds dawns on me. his left collarbone. His comment: housing. We couldn’t make any came over every day / The smell  Their reverence is exemplifi ed “It hurt.” noise because we couldn’t go over of loose leaf joints on jeans and by the gentle ‘Do You Want It We discuss new directions. Are 70 decibels which is the volume we would play / It’s not a house “Don’t you think the electro-pop All?’, which sees most of the crowd they moving away from electro of us talking. But some of it was any more.” Thematically, as it genre has become saturated?” swaying hypnotically to Alex’s pop? “I wouldn’t say we were good – like in Sidney Sussex ball remembers the bliss and horrors I ask Two Door Cinema Club in movements. Later in the set, the electro-pop,” comes the disapprov- when they fl ooded the front lawn. of suburban adolescence, this is a their rather empty dressing room. melancholic ‘What You Know’ gets ing reply, only to have lead vocalist Basically I just got pissed. That’s great Freshers’ Week record. But Guitarist Kevin’s face contorts: the whole venue singing along Alex cut across: “That’s pretty really all that the kids do.” Deerhunter are doing more here “Defi nitely. But I wouldn’t say effortlessly. much what we are. Yes, there’s a lot than hitting teenage sweet-spots; we’re electro-pop”. He begins to Interspersed between these two of pop in the charts. I’d like to see they’re taking us through the look a bit pissed off. Thankfully, more tranquil moments, TDCC more rock bands.” The sounds of Two Door’s Top Picks album of the year. ELIOT D’SILVA the otherwise apathetic lead singer exhibit their trademark fast paced the next album remain mysterious. Alex comes to my rescue: “that’s pop, with ‘Something Good Can Rather than taking their cue Northern Irish Bands Kowalski, pretty much exactly what are… I Work’, ‘Undercover Martyn’ and from current musical trends, the And So I Watch You From Afar, Not mean, we make pop music, with an ‘Eat That Up’ producing a football band’s main infl uence is their Squares, Cashier No 9 electric sound”. Phew. fan style reaction from the kids travels. “The more experiences we Dream collaboration Daft Punk Also Online Two Door have been at the at the front. The crowd are far have, the more there is to write New Music Magnetic Man, Wild forefront of the indie scene for less boisterous during new track about,” enthuses Alex, “like with Nothing (Kev) Fools Gold (Sam) the last year, now, in which time ‘This is the Life’ and ‘You’re not America the last time. We had a Janelle Monae (Alex) Freshers' Guide to Classical they’ve charted on the BBC’s Stubborn’, both of which lack little van and drove all round the Desert Island Discs Cambridge Sound of 2010 poll as well as played noteworthiness. States – one of the best times we’ve Alex: My luxury item would be a several Cambridge balls, of which Nevertheless, on the whole had. It sounds stereotypical but woman. (They discuss.) So Kev will Varsity Classical Critics Katya they are none too complimentary. ‘Two Door’ have honed their skills, it was amazing. Once I was in a bring cigarettes, and Sam will bring Herman and Elly Brindle with However town and gown can whether you want to call them shop in Texas and this bloke came a lighter cos we’ll need a fire and tips on fi nding your feet in the seriously differ. As the gig gets electropop or not. in with a massive bright orange we’ll need to smoke the cigarettes Cambridge music scene going later, Alex fl atters the crowd NATHANAEL ARNOTT-DAVIES hollow body guitar, proper cowboy and I’ll bring the woman, and we with the claim that The Junction boots, fl ared trousers… you just can all share. Reviews Editor: Julia Carolyn Lichnova 8th October 2010 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk REVIEWS 23

CLUBNIGHT anticipation without asking too FILM The narrative, comedy and subtle much of impatient, drunken minds. social commentary that propels I remember hearing ‘Jus’ a Rascal’ the fi lm is found in the drawings Classics From Oasis rather than ‘Dance Wiv Me’, almost The Illusionist alone – from the physically carica- certainly a good sign, and more tured musicians and artistes that the Crypt Fez importantly, a reminder that, Dir. Jean-Paul Chomet share the stage with Tatischeff, despite dipping heavily into pop at to the Edinburgh shops Alice  times (Iyaz’s ‘Replay’ had played  gazes longingly towards. ‘Blair Häxan: Witchcra  rough only fi ve minutes ago), Fez is not and Brown’s Pawnbroker’s Shop’ the Ages (1922) yet its barely-in-the-closet camp provides yet another signal of an or an hour and a half or so cousin Cindies. For me, the only approaching economic upheaval, one last night, Fez didn’t warrant he winds of change are in which art of illusion is used to sell Fits apparent perpetuation blowing through The designer handbags and transforma- in the Cambridge Freshers’ Week e constant TIllusionist, the latest anima- tive beauty products and little else. calendar. The constant reminders tion from the team behind 2003’s in the queue to push up against reminders to push Oscar-nominated ode to age and a wall that was already fi rmly eccentricity, Belleville Rendez- attached to human buttocks seemed up against a wall Vous. You could be forgiven for think- to have a number of harrowing Set in 1950s Edinburgh, this ing Häxan esoteric. The fi lm effects on people, ranging from that was already beautiful and quirky fi lm presents opens with a prosaic slideshow of over-emotional departures to Life a fairytale Britain in which the rise diabolical images, evenly pitched (not a metaphor) to severe urinary  rmly a ached to of boy bands, department stores between Foxe’s Book of Martyrs problems, often occurring within and multiplex cinemas has made life and the Malleus Malefi carum. seconds of the other. None of this h u m a n b u  o c k s tough for its lead, a lean, fumbling Yet director Benjamin Chris- compared to the most harrowing magician named Tatischeff – tensen exhumes some surpris- experience of all: the moment of no seemed to have homage to French comic actor and ingly modern touches from this return when small talk/acceptable director Jacques Tati, who penned primitivism. Not least of these humour fi nally ran dry and the line a number of the original screenplay. is the fi lm’s ambitious four-act between offensiveness and inanity Arriving in Edinburgh, real-life structure, which transports was forever blurred. harrowing e ects home to the fi lm’s director, Jean- the viewer from interminable Fast forward a couple of hours Paul Chomet, Tatischeff checks vignettes of monastic intrigue and queue veterans had become on people into ‘Little Joe’s Hotel’ – occupied to the present day. Quite fi tting wild, unfettered consumers of no-no was a rehashed ‘Fuck You’, exclusively by defunct entertain- for a fi lm about the devil’s own, £1 tequila shots, Jamie T and but I’m not the type to complain ers, making a go of life in the then Tatischeff, in his role of surrogate the shock value endures; Häxan the British tendency to dance about the marvellous Cee Lo Green cutting-edge world of PR and father, takes to moonlighting as a admirably holds its own against either like inebriated jellyfi sh or taking up another four minutes of advertising. mechanic, hoping to uphold Alice’s The Exorcist’s potpourri of hammerhead sharks in a small my life. Trapeze artists painting faith in his powers for as long as spider-walks, pea-soup vomit and pond. Both jellyfi sh and sharks If I had associated my fi rst billboards, destitute ventriloquists, possible. However, for a tale that strategically deployed crucifi xes. were catered for musically. A outing to Fez as a fresher last year suicidal clowns and shop-front threatens disenchantment, The So, expect infants being hurled healthy dose of Ellie Goulding with singing, ‘She’s an Xbox, and shamans bring colour and fellowship Illusionist is not morose – it is a into steaming cauldrons, demon put through the Jakwob machine I’m more an Atari’ all the way to the fi lm, though its key relation- story about growing up, led by births with befeathered mon- got jellies wobbling, before ‘99 home in my best attempt at outdo- ship is that of Tatischeff and Alice, a patriarchal conjuror who must strosities, and (by far the worst Problems’ got hammerheads ing John Legend, (rather than a naïve country lass astounded by learn, like Shakespeare’s most for springing from fact) the me- thrusting their fi ns to Rick Rubin’s the unhappy reality of Bloc Party the magician’s ability to produce famous magician, to give up his dieval church infl icting tortures famous beat. Bizarre metaphors tunes I was long bored of and rabbits, fl owers and even hard cash, magic. It is a smooth, affectionate on a harmless old woman. The aside, the set pleased the crowd personal space invasion) I would out of thin air. and charming fi lm – the perfect devil’s appearance in the monas- without being too familiar, and certainly say the £5 entry was There is little dialogue in the way to welcome in the coming cold tery is one of the earliest jump the mashups created an air of worth it. SAM GOULD fi lm, only a few spare exclamations. months. PHILIP MAUGHAN scares in cinema – and plays out, quite naturally, in total silence... JAMES SWANTON John Cage: Every Day Is a Good Day Yates Norton on the fi rst major retrospective of John Cage’s work and poet Drew Milne’s accompanying lecture Back to Basics had the choice. I could annoy altogether. Varsity and submit a blank Although this method Iarticle entitled 4’33’’, but I of exhibiting vitalises Sainsbury’s Basics Noodles did not (as you can see), because I the display, one could  realised that John Cage’s seminal not help but feel that Invented silent composition was not about it distracted from the in 1958 by annoying the audience or a result rather conventional Momofuku of musical ineptitude. It was born quality of these pieces. Ando, out of a genuine feeling for the While they can be instant integrity of his philosophy and his beautiful and serene, noodles were artistic practices and methods, I did not leave think- voted the something which the recent exhibi- ing that they were most impor- tion at Kettle’s Yard only confi rms. particularly remarkable tant Japanese invention of the As well as footage and record- as individual works. 20th century, yet Sainsbury’s ings of his performances, poems There was, however, Basics Instant Chicken Noodles and lectures, the exhibition shows the undeniable sense of are a relative underdog in the his lesser known prints and water- having been exposed to instant noodle game. From the colours, the placing of these is a particularly satisfying moment I saw them nestled philosophy expounded on the shelf, I knew I had best in a merging of images, cancel my dinner plans. Their “A mosaic of sounds and words, ‘a orange-and-white packaging mosaic of remarks, called out to me, promising that remarks, the the juxtaposition of the contents would be “savoury which is free of inten- John Cage, River, Rocks and Smoke, 1990 and quick, just the trick!” There juxtaposition of tions’, echoing the words are two fl avours to choose Cage used to describe one of his and ultimately ‘self-altering’ ways: the brush. I have to accept what I from- Chicken and Chicken which is free of writings. his art was not, he said, about self do’. Similarly, Cage’s ‘Mesostics’ – Curry (although this may just Cage invites us into the scope of expression. poems which use a central ‘spine’ be rumour and/or a labelling intentions”... Cage his open-minded philosophy and Milne argued that Cage’s deter- word around which material is accident). Believe me when I beliefs, encouraging, though not mined rejection of the self and its arranged – are only partly deter- say that this is far from Michelin invites us into the prescribing, an anarcho-democratic choices is often over-emphasised. mined by chance procedures, as Star dining- the noodles were response. The phrase ‘anarcho- Instead of the word ‘chance’, he Cage’s aesthetic decisions cause the a touch bland and the broth scope of his open- democracy’, chosen by poet Drew put forward the case for ‘indeter- inclusion of literary devices such as alarmingly salty, providing 22% Milne in his talk about the exhibi- minacy’, a word which allows for modifi ed negatives (‘it Not’), as well of my RDA of sodium. However, minded philosophy tion, is apt; though radical, Cage paradoxes and contradictions as assonance and internal rhyme with the infamous price of 10p was not polemical or exclusive. in Cage’s methods to be assimi- (‘Shaggy nag’). per pack, these noodles smack and beliefs Taking his inspiration from Zen lated. Even rigorous parameters Cage could not remove himself of good value. In conclusion, if philosophies, he wanted to ‘remove controlled by external chance from his works, as this exhibition you get what you pay for, at this determined by I-Ching inspired the ego from the artist’, encour- processes made room for individu- and talk confi rm. But why should price you can’t go wrong! chance procedures, and every aging life and art, audience and ality: ‘The only thing I can’t ask he, when we are glad to have such a ANDREW TINDALL three days a picture is removed artwork to engage in meaningful [the I-Ching] is the movement of fascinating fi gure behind them? 8th October 2010 Theatre Editor: Edward Herring 24THEATRE www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] Good For You ADC Lateshow View from the (until Sat 9th) Groundlings 

erforming a sketch show in Cambridge at the end of Plast term, and then taking it out on tour to London and then to Edinburgh, and then back to Cambridge again, is obviously something of a double-edged sword. On the one hand, sketches can be refi ned and rewritten, the actors can perfect their parts EDWARD HERRING and the show’s structure can be ecently I suffered the tinkered with until it resembles a corrective (and deserved) fi nely oiled machine. On the other, Rsucker-punch of Cam- actors can have performed a sketch bridge’s Emma Hogan, who took one too many times, and boredom me to task on the inaccuracy with material may be more damag- of Adam Lawrence’s opening ing to a sketch show than perhaps line in last week’s ‘Incoming’ any other kind of theatre perfro- column. Lawrence asserted that mance. Fortunately, however, very ‘Hatch’ was Cambridge’s “fi rst rarely do these actors seem bored ever showcase for new writing”. of their old material. to him, and encourages the audi- Tim Key has kind of cornered the of the football team sketch. Else- Hogan argued that Lawrence Last term I saw roughly three ence to anticipate his next sleazy market in anxiousness so this may where, a sketch about a hip young was “taking the need to plug his quarters of these sketches. A lot of creation. be forgiven from a current Foot- gunslinger of a math teacher lacks new project too far” and pointed dead wood has been cut from the Elsewhere, compared to the lights team attempting to follow the crackling energy it had in its to the variety of other showcases show, though one great sketch has previous incarnation last June, in the shadow of perfromers such original run. This time, however, for new writing, including the 24 been cut, one about a widow hear- Ben Ashenden’s acting wins the as Key, Johnny Sweet and Nick I think I detected the sketch’s Hour Plays, the Miscellaneous ing the lascivious ranting of her ‘Most Improved’ award. It’s rather Mohammed. parody of the touching but pretty Theatre Festival, Unheard Of dead pilot husband’s dying words one-note, but is a very good note. This group do a good line in cheesy denouement of The History and The Mays. on a black box recorder. In a way, His mannerisms are sometimes infomercial mockery and bizarre Boys, particularly in the ‘heart- As I rub my editorial jaw feeling deprived of this sketch is overly similar to Tim Key’s, but powerpoints, and Ashenden’s on-sleeve the teacher’s dead but from this much needed slap I testament to how good the show bird-enthusiast character, in all the memory and the math lives on’ would like to apologise for the is. A surviving and weirdly more- its twitching oddness, is like the monologues from the pupils, which grave oversight. ‘Hatch’ is one ish sketch is that about business fl ipside of Owen’s Schlesinger. I’m was a nice and accurate touch. in a long, varied line of forums effi ciency expert Chad Schlesinger. Owen is great at sure he adds a lot in scriptwriting Ultimately, though, the road for new writing in Cambridge Chad comes into offi ces and opti- room, but Lucien Young’s acting has been kind to this show: it has and will hopefully fi nd its niche mises the hell out of everything in playing these shit- is often a bit fl at: his timing is fi ne, become slick and fi nely lubricated within this niche, rather than sight, but not very well. Alexander but his accents are often pretty with repeated polishing and claim itself to be the niche. Owen played Chad with verve eating chatacters... poor and his voice is inexpressive refi ning. A well-oiled comedic (The banality of this iterance somewhere between the psycho- for some of the parts he plays. juggernaut, you might say. And if comes from having such a sore, pathicly gleeful Patrick Bateman, and encourages Good for You has been on the you want to see this generation of knocked-about head at present the jargon-saturated Johnson road a long time, but occasionally footlights really fi ring on all cyl- thanks to the meaty paws of The from Peep Show and whoever that the audience to lines fall fl at because of the actors’ inders, you can’t really go wrong Hoganator). slimeball is who advertises Cash boredom and possible frustration with a show which, though at times In other news theatre@var- My Gold. Owen is great at playing anticipate his next with having to endlessly repeat struggling under the tiredness of sity.co.uk received a sack-full of these shit-eating characters; the them. I detected, for example, a its perfromers, still delivers great suggestions for the alteration of sheer obnoxiousness and odious- sleazy creation. look of real desperation and ennui comedy. the ADC’s moniker. The entries ness of most of them endears one as Owen delivered the punchline MICHAEL CHRISTIE varied from the lukewarm “Always Delivering Crap” to the utterly cruel “Apezoids is not stigmatic or restricting but the kind of dreary Shakespeare seats. But in Cambridge’s amateur Decimating Culture”. However, View from the liberating. There are innumerable that look a bit like the RSC on a low world, Tamburlaine could work. it would be selective to the point possibilities open to amateurs that budget. When Rupert Goold came Hundreds of students would be will- of bullying if you simply picked Graduate are closed to professionals. to talk to the Marlowe Society last ing to get involved for free and there on the poor, limping ADC simply But Cambridge theatre, in love year he cited acting in the society’s is a large enough body of people because it continues to fl ing off James Lewis with pretending to be professional, shows as a formative experience. (friends of actors, curious intellectu- a taxidermist’s load of theatrical is obsessed with playing it safe and Irina Brown directed him in Peer als) for the theatre to break even. stuffed animals from its seasonal there is a dearth of artistic ambi- Gynt and a young Tim Supple in The blessing of student theatre is gerbil wheel. You’re a cruel tion. If you leaf through one of Tamburlaine the Great – both that it is free from the commercial bunch. those glossy ADC brochures, the pretty insane undertakings, espe- pressures of the professional world. This week offers a number of same names will reappear again cially Tamburlaine (it was the fi rst But there is an ugly trend developing misshapen curiosities for all you and again, Arthur Miller, Tennes- time Part II had been staged since in Cambridge of students investing Freshers to gawp at. If you’ve see Williams, Noel Coward, and, of the Eighteenth Century). their own money in populist projects never been infl icted by the he big wigs in Cambridge course, Shakespeare. (Also, I see Tamburlaine is exactly the sort designed to make massive personal delights of a Smoker (Tues 12th) theatre are seriously uneasy Journey’s End is returning next of thing a professional theatre profi ts. Amateurs, true amateurs, then strap yourself in for an eve- Tabout being referred to as month.) Equally, the three touring would fi nd impossible to justify –it’s do it for love. ning of high-octane laughs and, Amateurs. Professionals-in-wait- shows, ETG, CAST and PPJT, have obscure, it requires loads of actors An ADC friend of mine recently crucially, cast a steely critical ing would be more appropriate. If never dared stray from the hal- and it wouldn’t put the bums on the described Cambridge as “a training eye over the japes of tomorrow’s you lean on the ADC bar it won’t lowed territory of the Bard. ground for the real thing.” A forum panelshow contestants and fame- be long before you hear an actor or Restoration or Eighteenth Cen- in which Britain’s best young the- fetishists. a play dismissed as ‘unprofessional’ tury plays are rarely considered, atrical talent can “cut their teeth” Ben Jonson’s grifter’s master- or ‘Am-Dram.’ It’s fostered by this there is scarce little writing from before embarking on the “real piece The Alchemist (12th-16th) newspaper too. I’ve read plenty of playwrights writing in the last ten world”. But that’s exactly the prob- gets a re-launch after it glumly reviewers quipping unoriginally years, hardly anything written out- lem. If we see it as a some kind of failed to materialize last term. about such-and-such really putting side of the U.K or U.S, very little preface for the “real world”, then Hopefully, Joey Batey and Nick the A in the ADC. Indeed, that A new writing, almost no devised, the theatre, in turn, becomes unreal, Ricketts won’t manage to chivvy must be rather irksome to its pro- verbatim or physical theatre. dead, irrelevant. If we see it as real, that pre-show dinner from your fessionals-in-waiting. The enemy is There also is no political theatre in important in itself, and as an antago- gut as the fl uorescent garishness in the name. Cambridge. nist to the professional world, then it of the poster did to my close I found Cambridge theatre to be The same is true of the Mar- can come alive again. friend Auberon Jones. Friday’s stuck between a noun and an adjec- lowe Society’s annual show which, James directed the 2009 Pembroke production will be preceded by tive, between what it is and how it succumbing to the commercial Players’ Japanese tour (pictured). the booming baritone of London’s likes to be viewed. What it needs anxieties of the Cambridge Art’s He is currently working for Talk- own SIMON HAINES, Sir Ian to realise is that amateur status Theatre, has begun churning out back Thames television company. McKellen (minus ballclenching effect). Now I must go spit out my GUIDE TO STAR RATINGS:  Gutrenching for You  Tearjerking for You  Alright for You loose teeth and soak my cheek.  Good for You  Alexander Owen for You Theatre Editor: Edward Herring 8th October 2010 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk THEATRE 25

potentially intriguing, but all too co-director Finn Beames’s desire to language easily understandable The Tempest often fell fl at and felt gratuitous. tell a story that ‘pierces with crys- to a modern audience. Soden’s The casting of two clearly male tal clarity’ has, at least in this area, Prospero, however, often lacks Incoming ADC Mainshow parts with female actors was been broadly achieved. Despite my the intensity of emotion that such (until Sat 9th) also unnecessary. The prover- plus-one’s reservations, I would a part requires and his slightly bial problem of a ‘lack of male maintain that Oliver Soden, who monotone acting occasional clashed  actors in Cambridge’ could prove plays Propsero with a remarkable with lines from other characters troublesome for a less grandiose sense of age and world-weariness, such as “your father’s in some pas- he fi rst mainshow offering production. But for the CAST excels at making Shakespeare’s sion that works him strongly”. of the term from the ADC tour there really shouldn’t be a Chris Nelson is evidently miscast Tdidn’t disappoint. Actually, shortage of men for the roles. as both Ferdinand and Sebastian. perhaps it did since the fact that Eleanor Massie is evidently a tal- Firstly the similarity between CAST have been touring The Tem- ented actress but didn’t succeed the characters, and their almost pest around America for the past in bringing an awful lot of menace consecutive appearances on stage, month suggests that it should be of or presence to the unscrupulous makes having one actor play both a substantially higher quality than Antonio. That said, Emma Sidi and needlessly confusing. Secondly your average under-rehearsed in- Adam Hollingworth, as the drunk Nelson does far better as Sebastian term show. Yet, acting that was for servants Stephano and Trinculo than Ferdinand, lacking any real the most part highly commendable, respectively, proved a formidable sense of romantic attachment in was let down by poor direction and comic team and easily pulled-off the latter role. It was almost as production. the most entertaining scene of the if he’d been hurriedly brought in The bizarre combination of evening upon meeting Caliban. after a last minute drop-out. very writer has their umbrellas, developing photos, Sidi’s Jack Sparrow-esque swagger If you want to go see some of the own ‘process’. For me, and an overlapping fabric screen when inebriated was especially fi nest actors in Cambridge do what Eit’s all about reacting made for a set that barely helped entertaining and Hollingworth they do best then go see this show. against something, so I try to plot progression. If anything, it should be additionally commended However, this isn’t a particularly keep my eyes open for any- detracted from the narrative, as for his entertaining portrayal of accomplished or effective take on thing that sparks a response. one was left wondering what on the councillor Gonzalo. Caliban one of the Bard’s most popular With The Fire Within, a earth it was doing there instead himself was played with gripping, plays. Struggling to fi nd a word play about the last days of the of following the dialogue. Simi- almost frightening physicality by with which to describe them, I Raj in India and national iden- larly, more could have been done Mark Fiddaman who managed to should simply refer to the char- tity, I took inspiration from the with costumes to give characters give a realistic sense of the tor- acters wearing what looked like naturalistic, character-driven a clearer identity. The use of ment and spite that dwell in such a mosquito nets over their faces and dramatic form borrowed from electronically produced music character. torsos, which was a low point in playwrights such as Ibsen combined with live singing by All the actors have a commend- such a mixed production. and Eugene O’Neill. The rest actors on stage was ambitious and able command of the language, so GEORGE JOHNSTON is just distorted autobiogra- phy. As an Irishman born and raised in South Africa, edu- cated in England and now way short. Holly Braine as Bea- performance should be well suited living in Brussels and Dublin Much Ado About trice towers above her fellow cast Darwin’s Tree to the McCrum theatre. at once, feeling out of place is members, both physically and Perhaps it is also interesting to something I’m no stranger to. Nothing theatrically. She is exceptional in Preview note that a play about science and So putting quintessentially sweeping between fresh hilarity and religion should be in the proxim- British characters in a setting Howard Theatre touching softness that is impressive ity of The Eagle (where Crick and quite unlike their norm was an (until Sat 9th) and rare. Okey Nzelu was underused Charles Darwin was a man misun- Watson announced the discovery of effi cient way to set up immedi- as a comic talent in this production, derstood. Or so goes the central DNA) and St Benet’s Church. ate tensions, and to highlight  providing excellent farcical relief, premise of Murray Watts’s new Reclamation is, of course, a certain aspects of character whilst Johan Munir showers the play, Mr Darwin’s Tree, which will messy business; it is undeniably before the action even begins. stage in a steady stream of spittle be performed at Corpus’ McCrum problematic that the piece was Furthermore, from Shaw to in his attempt to achieve comic lecture theatre later this term. originally commissioned by a Synge to Wilde, Irish writers he Howard Theatre, the heights by screaming all his lines. It is an interesting starting point. Christian think-tank. It appears, (if I may humbly acknowledge newly built college drama Niall Wilson reprises his go-to role Exploring Darwin’s relationship however, as part of the Univer- myself as one among them) Tspace situated in Down- as a crippled geriatric, cantankerous with his wife, who remained a have characterised the Eng- ing College, is ridiculously and and embittered when required. It’s committed Christian despite his lish far better than they’ve yet unapologetically camp. Draped in a part he plays with aplomb, but one increasing agnosticism, the play Accompanied only managed themselves. lurid red velvet and doodled by that needs no repetition. promises to ‘reclaim’ the man from Set in the dying days of colo- faux-classical murals, it falls tragi- Director Alice Malin makes the intractable arguments that by a stepladder nial India, the action of the play cally short of plush grandeur, and some surprising blunders in this have grown up around his work. takes place during a single eve- instead plumps for a kitsch but fun production. Her participation in Our familiarity with Darwin is and a few branches, ning – there is, if you will, a atmosphere. These lacquered sur- last year’s Chekhov promised an challenged in this one-man show, unity of time and space. This roundings lend themselves well to understanding of comedy that is not which seeks to unearth the com- Andrew Harrison isn’t ideological; it’s just the the returning tour of Much Ado fully delivered in Much Ado. What plex and engaging story behind the way I best saw the story being About Nothing, which sets itself in could have been a bright, intelligent author of The Origin of the Spe- presents the man’s told, and that’s something I the early twentieth century amidst wit is substituted for an infl ated, cies. We are, Watts suggests, all tried not to lose sight of. forced silliness that is yelled at the too ready to call upon his work in life through his It is a shame that a premiere audience at a fl inch-worthy volume. service of the debates surrounding play can’t generate the same The positives far outweigh the faith and science but know little of relationships. audience numbers that sketch negatives, however, particularly the man himself and of the doubts shows and the old classics can. in the musical score and choreog- that plagued his personal life. As Yeats observed, education raphy, which transform what are Accompanied only by a steplad- sity’s Festival of Ideas and, for all can sometimes seem too much often the least legible aspects of der and a few branches, Andrew that it might tacitly regret Dar- like fi lling a bucket instead of Shakespeare into an enjoyable and Harrison adopts a variety of roles win’s inability to resolve his faith lighting a fi re. Being an audi- important part of the play. Rarely to present the man’s life through with his theories, it promises to be ence member isn’t simply does one witness such a successful his relationships with those closest a celebration of the vitality of those about being entertained; by incorporation of music and dance to him. His wife Emily features ideas. buying your ticket you pur- within Cambridge theatre, but this prominently, whilst Darwin himself This production proves to chase the authority to love or frilly umbrellas, games of croquet performance boasts self-assured is presented at several stages of be a quirky, interesting piece to loathe, and with that comes and a vague undertone of female inclusion of both. his life. Harrison’s earlier perfor- which should provide a forum for great responsibility. Audiences insurgence. The exuberant interior That the number of cast mem- mances have earned him standing discussion concerning current have a duty to engage, criti- of the theatre negates any need for bers outnumbered the crowd was ovations and critical acclaim, whilst issues of misplaced Darwinism cally. There can be no better ornate set design, and the stage is an unfortunate and undeserved the play itself was well received by and the battle against religious opportunity to do this than left quite clear, aside from one very reception for such a lively, assertive critics when toured in 2009. fundamentalism. with something new, where silly string of Cath Kidston bunting interpretation that accomplishes an The theatre space is an interest- Though this may ring as hollow a young playwright, a young which hangs stubbornly and point- undeniable degree of professional- ing one and worth seeing. Situated as the routine fi ring of another cast, and a young production lessly throughout. A subtle palette ism. Following The Relapse, this is by The Eagle pub the play offers empty salvo into a familiar rhetori- team all come together in an of purple, red and cream unites the second in what appears to be an the chance for many to explore cal battlefi eld, it is nevertheless attempt to present something tasteful costume design in an atten- emerging theme of comedic frivolity a theatre space which is rarely an interesting project. Indeed, fresh, something brave, some- tive production that, on the whole, for the Howard Theatre, in which used. Of course there are other for those put off by the deadening thing wonderfully vulnerable. has some of the best Cambridge has a more modest production would examples of this, including the regularity with which Darwin is The Fire Within is on as an to offer. be drowned in a red sea of leather. barely frequented Judith E Wilson invoked, claimed and reworked to ADC Mainshow Tuesday 19th An easy and comfortable chem- Despite the predictability of such an Drama Studio below the English meet the demands of various stale to Saturday 23rd. Visit our istry simmers amongst the cast: occurrence, Downing College does Faculty, the Pembroke New Cel- arguments, this could serve as a Facebook events page for more however the actors can be roughly boast a unique and welcome new lars and many other small, quirky timely reminder of his own compli- details. divided between those who were space in Cambridge, which contin- spaces that are under-used. In the cated beliefs and of the engaging PATRICK GARETY outstanding, and thosewho fell ues to deliver. SIOBHAN FORSHAW case of this play, the one man show beauty of his work. DAVID SHONE 8th October 2010 Fashion Editors: Louise Benson, Jess Kwong & Pete Morelli 26FashiOn www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

Zara, Siobhán, Coco, Molly, and Emma SCORE ONE FOR THE TEAM Photographed by Louise Benson Styled by Jess Kwong and Louise Benson

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on presentation of this voucher and proof of student status Games & puzzles Varsity Crossword no. 530 Sudoku Kakuro

The object is to insert the numbers in the boxes to satisfy Fill the grid so that each run of squares adds up to the total 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 20 Quick, knock me dead (5) only one condition: each row, column and 3x3 box must in the box above or to the left. Use only numbers 1 through 21 Vast quantity of medium cheese taken contain the digits 1 through 9 exactly once. 9, and never use a number more than once per run (a 8 back (6) number may reoccur in the same row in a separate run). 24 City mail redirected (4) 9 25 Almost sentient creation comes after 1 7 5 genuine medical pioneer (12) 26 Bitter, mixed-up teen in sordid clips 3 9 6 1 12 24 23 10 10 (9) 9 16 27 Druggie gets husband an escort (5) 7 4 1 3 2 20 11 12 13 8 3 32 Down 9 3 2 6 2 Chairman takes credit for the big 13 22 14 14 15 16 picture (5) 4 9 3 Hidden in secret exotic island (5) 24 5 Fairy-tale hero nicer about being 6 5 9 8 1 17 apprehended by constable for causing 19 damage (6, 8) 8 5 4 6 17 18 19 6 Books show example of elderly citizens 13 16

9 8 2 / MADE BY GARETH MOORE www.puzzlemix.com heading to receive student discount (7)

7 Hide man by commercial town (11) / MADE BY GARETH MOORE www.puzzlemix.com 8 He mauls parents viciously at that time e Varsity Scribblepad 20 21 22 23 of the month (9, 5) 11 Likely lads modelled around real

24 casanovas (4, 7) 12 Disciple’s typical behaviour shrouded Hitori in wickedness (5) Shade in the squares so that no number occurs more than 25 13 Program taped on whim (7) once per row or column. Shaded squares may not be horizontally or vertically adjacent. Unshaded squares must 16 Muslim of cheerful disposition, so to form a single area. speak (5) 18 Embarrassing mistake about Iranian 26 27 animal (7) 22 See 10 3 1 2 3 6 3 5 23 Live bear (5) up (5) 5 6 5 7 4 3 2 Across 13 Heroin found in Pleasant Hollow (5) 1 Hit by Scotsman in South Korea (5) 14 Egalitarian modern Greek gets new 6 4 3 6 7 6 1 4 Damage to hull panel: infi nity (5, 4) car (10) 9 Get in a car going recklessly, about a 15 Second informant sent back to hundred and fi fty, taking drugs and Last issue’s solutions 7 4 6 4 4 5 7 ensnare emperor (4) speeding up (12) 17 Royal family goes fi rst (4) 6 3 2 2 5 2 4 9 5 1 3 7 6 8 2 4 10, 22 Girl hosting unoriginal closing 13 8 6 4 7 6 6 1 2 19 Looks at weird canape containing 12 4 8 3 2 5 9 6 1 7 17 27 7 5 15 6 2 1 4 3 4 4 ceremony (4, 5) 21 7 6 2 4 8 1 5 9 3 fruit (10) 7 6 4 3 1 18 4 2 3 1 6 5 7 8 1 6 7 9 2 4 3 5 11 Switching roles with second runners- 7 4 6 7 8 7 5 6 3 1 3 2 9 4 1 4 4 5 Crossword set by Hapax 1 4 2 17 3 1 1 6 4 2 7 2 3 17 24 3 7 5 1 4 8 2 6 9 9 8 4 8 7 9 2 7 3 5 6 3 1 Answers to last issue’s crossword (no. 519): 31 1 2 7 8 3 5 9 4 6 1 Pyrotechnical, 8 Life, 9 Apologists, 10 Taxman, 11 Elevated, 12 Resorb, 14 Yellowy, 16 Setters, 18 Venues, 20 Revolver, 22 Saucer, 24 Everywhere, 25 Hand, 26 Spelling error. 1 Private, 9 3 7 4 8 1 5 2 2 4 3 6 6 4 8 9 1 7 3 5 2 Across Down 3

2 Rheum, 3 Trainable, 4 Cookery, 5 No-one, 6 Chinatown, 7 Lottery, 13 Outsource, 15 Love scene, 16 Swerves, 17 Surgeon, 19 Eleanor, 21 Vowel, 23 Usher. 1 2 3 6 5 4 5 7 5 5 3 9 6 2 4 7 8 1 2 5 7 1 1 1 3 / MADE BY GARETH MOORE www.puzzlemix.com Sport Editor: Alex Kennedy 8th october 2010 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk SporT29

College Sport Sport in Men’s Rugby College athletics Brief

will be confident of retaining their jump with an impressive 12.68 aleX KenneDy VaRSity SPoRt crowns. Josh Mouland, last year’s metres. The college Cuppers com- Cross-Country The rugby first division fixtures The first college silverware of the King’s captain, will no doubt be petition has proven in recent years oping to improve upon have been decided with new boys new year will be handed out in looking to repeat his superb per- to be a superb testing ground for last year’s finish of second Magdalene and Queens’ facing each under a fortnight. The inter-colle- formance in the decathlon and will new Cambridge talent. Its position Hin the annual charity other in a critical first game. With giate Athletics Cup, traditionally be anticipating a revival of his com- early in the year introduces rook- ‘Chariots of Fire’ race, the part- the near invincibility of St John’s the first college cup to be awarded petitive rivalry with Selwyn’s Ed ies to the sports and gives vital sports-part-social Cambridge and Jesus to come in Rounds 5 and in the Cambridge sporting calen- Moyse. Moyse put in an excellent competitive experience before the Cross Country Club began their 6, it will be critical for the two weak- dar, will be contested at Wilberforce shift last year, coming first in the Fresher’s Varsity match in Novem- training with a trip to Devon. The est teams in the division to win Road on Sunday 17th October. This discus and 100m and second in the ber. Last season’s results verify Hare and Hounds’ pre-season these early season games in their is a chance for the traditionally long jump, 110m hurdles and shot this: Cambridge dominated The Old training camp, seemingly involv- desperate struggle to avoid relega- less impressive Colleges to shine. put. His 11.7 seconds in the 100m Enemy, winning the men’s meet 114 ing more beer-swilling fun than tion. St John’s, meanwhile, begin While unfortunately this paper will was comfortably the quickest effort to 76 and the women’s 110 to 75. serious sporting endeavours, will their defence of their title away at repeatedly emphasise the Johnian in the field. Having performed so The captains will be hopeful that still be seen as a useful introduc- home against Downing and are con- dominance of the rugby field, Trin- strongly last year the St Catha- this year’s competition is of as high tion for new members into the fident of a strong start to the season. ity’s, Jesus’ and Caius’ superiority rine’s team only need to shake off a standard as last year’s. If the culture of Cambridge cross coun- Redboy Paul Grethe has told Var- on the river and Jesus’ and Caius’ the competition from their closest intake of this year is as good, Cam- try running. After a disappointing sity that confidence in the St John’s mastery over bat and ball, col- rivals Jesus to retain their place bridge could be looking at another Varsity race last year, with the camp is high and that their already lege athletics has had a history of as the best athletics college in the year of Varsity domination. women’s race going to Oxford by impressive squad has only been throwing up lesser Colleges and women’s competition. Jesus, how- 17 to 21, and the men’s by 28 to 52, improved by a talented new fresher bringing perennially weak out- ever, remain strong. Last year’s Last year’s results the club will be hoping that these intake. St John’s are understand- fits onto the sporting scene. Last Blues captain Kate Laidlow will early season events will help in ably bullish about their chances of year’s men’s competition involved be looking to compete again in the gaining valuable experience and defeating Downing in their first strong performances from Selwyn, 100m race that she won last year Men fitness. No doubt the beer and game, believing themselves to have Peterhouse and Clare who are often with an excellent time of 13.5 sec- 1) King’s: 171 kebabs enjoyed in their training the stronger squad. However, their ignored when it comes to the back onds, and will be striving to inspire 2) Selwyn: 164 weekend were important in this squad will be severely depleted by pages of the university newspa- impressive Jesuans to victory. 3) peterhouse: 118 regard. nine of their Blues being unavailable pers, while Peterhouse and Selwyn This is an excellent opportunity 4) Clare: 107 because of university commitments also appeared in the women’s top for budding athletes to impress the 5) Queens’: 95 and so Downing will have an excel- five. And it can seldom be said that Blues captains before the Fresh- Women lent chance of causing an upset in King’s are favourites for any type of ers’ Varsity later this term. Last 1) St Catharine’s: 164 Rugby 7s first game of the new academic year, sporting competition. year’s competition threw up tal- 2) Jesus: 141 Trinity take on Jesus in the other Yet it was King’s who won last ented freshers such as Amanda 3) peterhouse: 78 range road will host the game of the opening week of the year’s men’s competiton with St Smolinksy who impressed in the 4) Fitzwilliam: 72 first games of competitive season, but it will take a lot to defeat Catharine’s winning the female pole vault and the high jump, and 5) Selwyn: 67 Gcollege rugby of the season last year’s Cuppers’ runners up. competition and both Colleges Ismail Akram, who won the triple in the annual Rugby 7s tourna- ment. Arranged as a knockout tournament, 16 Cambridge Col- leges will play each other in the View from the Bottom Division – Caius IVs first round before the victors com- Men’s Football Fixtures pete against guest teams in the However, second round. This year’s guests antHony MaRtinelli Division 1 - Week 1 although the include Loughborough, Imperial Whilst captains of other college quality of foot- and United Hospitals, Bristol, Caius v Christ’s sports teams in Cambridge will ball in Division Pembroke College, Oxford, Edin- St Catharine’s v Downing be starting this year aiming for 7 is undeniably burgh, the Blues and the CURFC Jesus v Emmanuel the glory of a Cuppers victory or low, it is still LX. The tournament kicks off Homerton v Fitzwilliam a Bumps headship, there will be more competi- with the first games of the college Trinity v Girton no such aspirations for the Caius tive than a kick- first round at 10:00, with the final AFC 4th XI. about on Park- due to be played at 18:15. Most Division 2 Certainly, some might question er’s Piece with importantly, the bars will be open the point of playing sport for so your friends all day, as will the various food Churchill v Corpus little a prize, especially given that and a (rare) win outlets that will offer delightfully St John’s v Darwin the potential health benefit tends is still hugely greasy fare to soak up those pints. Selwyn v Jesus II to be somewhat negated by the in- satisfying. Tickets are available both on the Pembroke v Long Road evitable pre-match fry-up brunch Even though gate and through rugby captains Trinity Hall v Queens’ and post-match pint. the ultimate for the price of £1. The matches are undeniably goal for the Division 3 village, with our motley assort- season is only ment of unfit individuals stagger- promotion to a Churchill II v Clare ing onto the pitch wearing a wide slightly better BMC Sidney v Emmanuel II variety of blue clothing. With half league, I still Captain Martinelli foolishly decides to try and beat a man last-gasp penalty from Magdalene v King’s the midfield panting after a warm leave the field AJoel Mogorosi proved the Robinson v Homerton up which involves taking pot shots elated in victory and crestfallen get involved in some low level col- difference as Botswana Meat St Catharine’s v Long Road II at whoever is unlucky enough to in defeat, as do my teammates. lege sport for enjoyment, the op- Commission F.C. lost 2-1 against be elected to go in goal, we tend to This is the emotional rollercoaster portunity to meet and bond with league leaders Township Rollers. Division 4 begin the game in less than prime which is at the heart of all that is others who share your enthusiasm, The away side almost came away physical shape. Without the rabble good about sport. As a pursuit, it and, maybe, the chance to improve with an unexpected point, as sub- Caius II v CCCC of substitutes that litter the touch- is both social and relatively non- a little bit. stitute Ofana Motsumi caught Trinity II v Darwin II line we would undoubtedly strug- judgemental. I would certainly en- As a team we are certainly aim- the Rollers defence napping in St Catharine’s III v Downing II gle to complete a game with eleven courage freshers (especially those ing to improve on last season – we the 83rd minute, cancelling out Jesus III v Fitzwilliam II players. who have never played before) to can’t do worse! the earlier goal by Mweuka Trinity Hall II v Homerton II Musonda. BMC have proven to be a bogey team for the Rollers in recent years, and for long peri- Women’s Hockey Cuppers ods that tradition seemed set to Water Polo Fixtures continue as resolute defending Last season’s women’s hockey cham- runners up St John’s have been the team that knocked them out last continued to frustrate the home pions Murray Edwards were handed handed a tougher tie against Divi- year in St Catharine’s. St Catharine’s side. However, there was relief in Division 1 - Week 1 a relatively kind draw in the first sion 1 team Robinson. The tie of the narrowly missed out on the title on Gaborone as the Rollers captain round of this year’s Cuppers com- first round, however, will be played goal difference last year and will converted the penalty against Queens v Trinity petition, having been asked to face between last year’s Division 1 cham- be confident of reaching the second his former team. The BMC are at Addenbrokes v St John’s Second Division outfit Emmanuel. pions Pembroke and fifth-placed round. Meanwhile Trinity, last year’s home this Saturday, when they New Hall will be extremely confident Jesus. Whilst Pembroke should enter worst team who completed the entire play the Centre Chiefs. Their Division 2 of victory having had an excellent the game favourites, their poor per- season in Division 3 without notch- opponents will be full of confi- Homerton v Peterhouse season last year, narrowly missing formance in last year’s competition ing up one victory, will be relieved dence, despite a shaky start to St Catharine’s v Clare/Trinity Hall out on the Division 1 title and win- where they did not even make the to have received a bye through to a the season, as they won the cor- ning Cuppers scoring eight goals in quarter finals will be a cause for con- second round tie with either Corpus responding fixture 4-1 last year. the last three rounds. Last year’s cern. Elsewhere, Caius will be facing or Downing. 8th october 2010 Sport Editor: Alex Kennedy 30 Sport www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

ENDURANCE RUNNING Cambridge students compete in first British Spartan race challenge of the ‘Death Race’, (of the BECCA LANGTON hundred participants, fewer than 15 Bruised, battered, soaking wet and usually finish) there are many races growing blisters on top of blisters, I in and around Cambridge that both dragged myself across the finishing the experienced and the amateur line of the inaugural British Spartan can enter. The Cambridge Bound- Race, shortly to be taken out by two ary Marathon takes place in March enormous men sporting little but loin each year, and can be completed as cloths and giant red pugil sticks. a full or half marathon. If you are As my first, and only, competitive willing to look a little further afield, running event, the Spartan Race had the East London ‘Run to the Beat’ seemed an ideal way of branching Half Marathon is an alternative way out from team sports towards a more to see yourself around a challenging personal challenge. It had been with course, all the while listening to live a cavalier confidence in my sporting music designed to enhance your per- ability that I had signed up to the formance and your enjoyment of the race, designed ‘to test…resilience, race. strength, stamina and ability to laugh For many Cambridge students in the face of adversity.’ My team, their sole sporting exposure will be ‘the Rebel Lions’ consisted of a hand- getting demolished by St John’s in ful of fellow hockey players, a couple Cuppers, or more likely becoming of marathon runners, a rugby player, increasingly frustrated as the opposi- and an all-round sports fanatic, all tion repeatedly cancel the women’s of whom readily admitted that the rugby fixtures. For the casual runner Spartan Race really had demanded these races offer a rewarding, if chal- ‘every ounce of [our] strength and Competitors struggle across a tricky water traverse lenging long-term goal, for the more ingenuity.’ serious an enjoyable alternative to The course stretched over and minutes, taking home the prize of an similarities to the longer ‘Tough Guy’ because competitors sign a three- the usual straight running events. around a purpose built army bar- authentic Spartan sword and respect race. Many of the obstacles were word waver, simply acknowledging As the racing season draws to a racks, and inspired by Navy Seals of the entire Sparta community. Her similar and the lay out and principle ‘I may die’. The ultimate endurance close in the winter months, now is the and created by ex-Royal Marine male equivalent, Matthew Grabecki, were familiar. However, the Spartan test has been dubbed the hardest time to start thinking ahead to the Commando Richard Lee, encom- a non-Cambridge Student, finished in Race remained thoroughly tongue in race on earth. Taking place in the spring. Pick a race, choose a route, passed lake swims, rope climbs, fire 27. 51 minutes. cheek: amidst the burning hay bales, US state of Vermont and commonly grab a running buddy and a new pair jumps and fitness tests. The back log of ‘Spartan warriors’ competitors were required to prove taking between 24 and 36 hours to of trainers and intersperse those long Hannah Rickman, a Pembroke waiting to enter into the river swim their spear throwing skills, and the complete, the ‘Death Race’ requires library sessions (and sweaty nights medic described the race as “incredi- and tunnel crawl prevented most of numbers of air-brushed six packs and participants to push themselves to in Cindies) with brain-boosting (and bly enjoyable, but hugely demanding” us from finishing with a competitive Spartan capes were impressive. their mental and physical limit. Past hang-over-mending) runs that will and whilst our finishing times of just time, however once the queues had Although the Spartan Race was tasks have involved chopping trees, get your grades up, and your abs in under an hour were respectable, died down, runners were free to test a real test of my mental and physi- translating Greek and eating two- shape. Caughlin Butler, a second-year Caius their stamina, endurance and physi- cal ability, it pales in comparison to pounds of onions, all whilst carrying a The next Spartan Race mean- economist, finished as the fastest cal ability to the limit. its big-brother event, the appropri- bicycle and a bucket of gravel. while will take place in the summer of female with the winning time of 34 The Spartan Race has clear ately named ‘Death Race’. So called For those not quite up to the 2011... only the toughest need apply. Nice to meet Blue... Matthew Ingrams, St Catherine’s, Water Polo

swimming competitively at a higher level. which I was pleased with! always on good form. Though of course the Then the Cardiff Water Polo coach sent top banter always comes from Matt Schabas. letters around to all the local swimming Who is the best player you have played clubs. I went with a mate along for an with? What motivates you to get out of bed and introductory session, loved it, and was go to training? hooked from then on. Water Polo’s a great, That’s a tough one, probably Dan Laxton, relaxed and sociable sport at all levels. Also he used to play for Cardiff University For me I think it’s just a constant desire to with it being quite a minority sport there’s and with me at Welsh Wanderers, but has improve, both as an individual and as a team. a nice sense of community which you don’t now gone over to the Netherlands to play We only have a very short period of time to tend to get as much with other sports. professionally. train together at Cambridge, so we really need to take all the opportunities we get. What is your favourite personal sporting What is the changing room like before a memory? game? What are you hoping for in the coming season? I guess that would have to be my first It’s usually fairly relaxed, although the Welsh Juniors cup in October 2006 against mood becomes much more serious when A serious, committed squad, with a good Scotland. It was the first really big game we get out onto poolside to warm up. The team spirit and top performances in BUCS, I’d played, and we lined up and sang the only difference was before Varsity in Upolo and of course Varsity. anthem. It was a fantastic experience. We February when the atmosphere was very went on to lose the match fairly badly, but it tense beforehand, and during the whole Will you beat The Other Place? was still a great experience. match. Both teams tend to change in the When did you start playing? same area, but there’s no aggression or Definitely. I do not want to lose two in a row, and How did you feel before your first hostility or anything, everything stays playing with the home crowd behind us as well, I started playing Water Polo with Cardiff university game, and how did it go? (ideally...) in the pool. we’ve got a great opportunity to win. Juniors in February 2004 when I was 13. My first games for the University were at Who are the characters in the changing Why did you choose Water Polo? a small tournament in Bishop’s Stortford. I room? was pretty relaxed going in really, but we I’d been swimming for a few years, but was didn’t do very well in the tournament, lost 2 They’re all good lads, but I think last year getting bored with just swimming up and and won 1 in our group I think. I did manage our Russian Bear, Mikhail and current down, and wasn’t particularly interested in to pick up my first university goal though, Tadpoles President Conrad were almost Sport Editor: Alex Kennedy 8th October 2010 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk SPORT31 Sport Comment Cambridge groans as history repeats itself Some Colleges are just be er at sport than others – and it’s not about to change

inter-collegiate sport – they are not Equally, there are certain Colleges to choose from; this is close to double However, this long standing alone in their achievements. Despite that appear perennially weak. Peter- that of Peterhouse and 300 more excellence may be accompanied by the continual turnover of personnel house failed to win a Cuppers cricket than Sidney. Certain Colleges also sacrifi ces in other areas. Commit- which accompanies university sport, match last season and play their benefi t from a supportive reputa- ment to sport may result in less most Colleges are able to maintain fi rst team football in the Sixth Divi- tion. Talented sportsmen will apply time to pursue other interests and their status as powerhouses in a par- sion. Sidney Sussex were the lowest to the College which best enables activities. Unfortunately, as a sports ticular activity. placed non-grad College in this them to win, improve, and provide reporter, I feel unqualifi ed to com- Digging into the Varsity archives, year’s May Bumps (30th overall), a stepping-stone from which they ment on the potential shortcomings I uncovered a range of articles and but this is scarcely worse than their can break into the university set-up. of the cultural awareness of those tables from ten years ago which result in 2000 where they were third Very nearly all of the promising personable Redboys. Nevertheless, make for some very familiar reading rugby players that apply to Cam- we can question the validity of the today. There were ten teams in foot- bridge would be expected to apply to old stereotype that sportsmen aren’t ball’s First Division in 2001, of whom Despite the John’s. Success breeds a reputation the brightest. For this regrettably seven still competed at that level for excellence, which in turn breeds hackneyed idea to hold, we would DANIEL WELLBELOVE last season. Of the other three, ARU continual turnover success, thus ensuring a certain Col- anticipate that the traditional sport- dropped out of the league, making lege’s standing is perpetual. ing Colleges fi nd themselves lower their return this season, whilst of personnel, The same group of ardent partici- down the academic league tables he St John’s rugby team were Queens’ and Long Road only very pants may likewise be enticed by the than their peers. In some cases, an left empty-handed despite narrowly missed out on promotion Colleges are able to facilities on offer. There are numerous examination the Tompkins table Temerging victorious against back to the top fl ight. Similarly, the sports grounds around Cambridge of would appear to show just that. Jesus in last year’s Cuppers fi nal. pre-eminent boats during the May maintain their status an exceptional quality: amongst them Jesus and John’s were both placed Following an unfortunate case of Bumps seem to have changed very are those owned by the aforemen- in the bottom half this year, while forgetfulness, or perhaps a display little since 2000: the Caius, Trinity as powerhouses tioned successful teams. Caius may Hughes Hall, which attracts many of of unabashed arrogance, the trophy First and Thirds, LMBC, Downing offer some insight as to the impor- the graduate sportsmen, came in at remained sitting neatly on top of and Jesus boats all remained in the lowest (23rd). We can only assume tance of facilities to the quality of the number 27. On the other hand, Trin- John’s collective mantelpiece. The 2010 top six, with Trinity and Caius that there are institutional factors college teams. They possess excellent ity do their best to dispel the notion team could easily be forgiven if the taking nine out of the ten men’s which limit their ability to match pitches and equipment for football, by coming second. latter explanation contains any headships available in the past their more successful peers. cricket and rowing, which is refl ected While it is never wise to make truth. After all, the trophy has been decade. Meanwhile Jesus and Caius Possibly the most important in the relative success of their teams judgements so early on in the year, gathering dust there for the past have looked after cricket Cuppers explanation is that the size of the in these areas. However, the College if history has taught us anything, it six years. However, this persistent for the past three seasons and with College limits the number of keen does not own any rugby facilities, is that the safe money is on John’s, level of domination enjoyed by the both teams enjoying a number of and talented sportsmen willing to which may help to explain their cur- Caius, Jesus and Trinity to dominate Redboys does not appear anomalous university players this trend looks participate. St John’s has a combined rent situation as they languish in the the sporting calendar, as they have when examining the entirety of set to continue. pool of approximately 830 students Third Division. done for the past decade.

ROWING Boaties are hi ing the Cam already Blues Rugby CONTINUED FROM BACK PAGE Varsity attempts to decodify the infi nite mysteries of the boatie lifestyle The second half began much as the fi rst ended. To a chorus of inde- represent examples of ‘calls’, used cipherable football chants from a LUCY PARKER in order to improve your stroke and group of German schoolchildren, There is no doubt about it, of all the the speed of the boat. You will be Ilia Cherezov put the Blues imme- sports available here at Cambridge, expected to make changes to each diately on the front foot, breaking rowing would win the claim to a component part of the stroke; from through some weak Engineers tack- dictionary of its own. Every virgin the drive phase, to the ‘fi nish’ with ling to offl oad to fellow Johnian Fred boatie should be supplied with a fully arms and backs, and the ‘catch’ when Burdon who crossed to score. Ten comprehensive English-Boatie dic- you place the blade in the water. minutes later Cambridge scored tionary in order to understand the Everyone breathes a sigh of relief again, this time with Burdon break- new language being spouted by that when they hear the word ‘recovery’, ing the line before passing it to six-foot tall, probably six-foot-wide but be warned – this only functions winger Loudon who trotted over. giant who accosted you at the fresh- as yet another mode of criticism The Blues looked set, yet disap- ers’ fair full of promises of cut-price about your stroke, not as permission pointingly they seemed to back off ‘lycra’, exotic ‘training camps’, fl ex- to take a break. once victory had been assured and ible ‘outings’, and state-of-the-art Boaties are a unique breed of the last twenty minutes were char- ‘ergs’ (rowing-machines) and ‘shells’ mankind, in possession of their own acterised by some sloppy tackling in (boats). Before you know it, rowing language, and totally misunderstood midfi eld and some needless handling is beginning to sound more like some by all non-boaties. They choose, yes errors. The Engineers got a try back kind of twisted, military fetish than choose, to get up before the sun rises even lower boats can gain the envi- impossible to explain fully here. ten minutes from the end, but the an enjoyable and apparently leg- to get onto a freezing cold river in able accolade of ‘blades’, marking Tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of game had effectively been ended by endary pastime of the thousands of the driving rain in mid-Novemeber, triumphs in the equally fi erce and students have rowed for Cambridge Loudon’s score in the 60th minute. students who pass through Cam- they shamelessly opt to jump into exciting lower divisions. Homerton over the course of the last 200 years Whilst not a perfect perfor- bridge every decade. the communal showers afterwards M1 and Christ’s W2 both won their and athletes from across the world mance from the Blues, this was an Suddenly, rowing is no longer just giggling like schoolgirls at the result- blades back in June, but it was the vie desperately to gain a chance to extremely comfortable victory. On a sport, but a full-blown examina- ing dubious banter, and they strive daily battle between Emmanuel M3 row for this prestigious University occasions it may be better to play tion in some form of mechanical to crash their prized boats into the and Caius M3 which astounded spec- in one of the most famous sporting more conservatively and the exe- engineering. If you manage to stick boats of other Colleges in a tame- tators, leaving the former six places events of all time, the Oxford-Cam- cution of the backs’ moves needs it out until mid-term, you will fi nd sounding round of ‘bumps’ – the up, and the latter, an incredible nine bridge Boat Race, once an amateur to become sharper, yet these are that terms such as ‘sit-backs’, ‘knees major inter-collegiate rowing com- places up the charts, confi dently clash between rival universities, and things that will no doubt come with down’, ‘checking’ and perhaps worst petition which rounds off exam term securing their place in boathouse now a national institution. Boatie time and practice. Such a strong of all ‘high-rate pieces’ or ‘rate pyr- and in 2010 saw both Trinity and history books. life is certainly both infectious and performance in the fi rst game of the amids’ will be shouted at you by Pembroke retaining the ‘head of the Needless to say, however, boat- addictive, a mystery, and a sport like new season bodes well for another coxes and coaches alike. These all river’ (top-boat position). However, ing is a magnificent sport, and no other. excellent season for Cambridge.

Think you could do better? We’re looking for sport writers and photographers. If you’d like to work for us, get in contact with our Sport Editor at [email protected] 8th October 2010 Sport Editor: Alex Kennedy 32 SPORT www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] Nice to meet Endurance Blue p30 Running p30 Water polo captain Cambridge Matt Ingrams talks students run in to Varsity SPORT Spartan Race Redboy Blues dominate in season opener Reports Our man on the Excellent performances from Cushing and Maidment help Cambridge to comfortable victory inside of the St John’s HANNAH COPLEY 1st XV tells it like it is

ight, that is it. I’ve liter- ally had it up to here, and Rwhen I say ‘here’, I’m indicating something genuinely quite a long way above my head. Today at fast sprints training, this fresher kid, Montague, turned up wearing Redboy under armour stash. Now, I’m all for giving freshers a chance, especially if they readily con- tribute vomit to the communal bucket. In my fi rst year I was a fresher, and I remember that it can be diffi cult to come to terms with the massive headfuck of uni. However, no amount of goodwill can excuse such a monumental (as in, monu- MENTAL,) fo pa. You simply do not pre-empt the handing out of club stash. It is a ritual written on the very paper of the offi cial Redboys ritual list. In week one you get your stash shorts, which are like normal shorts but so short that the shops actually can’t classify them as ‘shorts,’ just ‘thicker underwear.’ If you fuck a fresher in the Cindies toilets or anywhere else you get Captain Jimmy Richards prepares to end a rare Engineers attack a stash condom, which is obvi- ously ironic. In week three you strong performances, while out in Cushing making amends for his ear- resulted in a penalty which Cushing get your stash reggings (run- the backs the individual talent of lier error by dancing through two duly converted, justly giving Cam- ning leggings.) Week fi ve brings CAMBRIDGE 29 Richards, Burton and especially tackles and offl oading to lock for- bridge the lead for the fi rst time. with it the stash stash (a small Cushing ensured that Cambridge ward Tom Harrington, who crossed However captain Jimmy Rich- crock of gold) and then in week always looked as though they for an easy score. The quick feet ards and the Blues’ management six, if you’ve genuinely proved ROYAL ENGINEERS would fi nish the game victorious. and skillful offloading of Cam- will not have been completely yourself to be fucking jjoques, 15 Yet this was not an infallible per- bridge’s new number 10 was at the happy with the first half per- you get stash under armour. To formance. Cambridge may have heart of everything that Cambridge formance. Despite their clear turn up in week one with stash displayed an admirable ambition to did well in this game. Number 8 superiority, Cambridge struggled under armour is like rocking ALEX KENNEDY play from deep but they should only Ben Maidment was unlucky not to to get away from the opposition. up on your fi rst day at NASA Any holiday poundage and Fresh- do it when the situation allows. Their score from another one of Cush- Their indiscipline at the break and being all like “er hey, can ers’ week hangovers knocking occaisionally unprudent playing ing’s breaks. After gliding through down allowed the Engineers to I go in one of these space ships around the Blue’s Grange Road style allowed the Engineers to take a gap in the Engineers’ relatively stay in the game with Lance Cor- now please?” NO! Of course you changing room were not visible on an early lead when the otherwise porous defensive line, the fl y half poral Slade-Jones converting the can’t. I bet NASA don’t hand Wednesday night as Cambridge excellent outside half Cushing was gave an inside ball to the forward. penalty shots at goal. It took a out under armour until people produced a very confi dent display caught with the ball inside his own He looked to have scored before the Richards try just before half time, have at least been to Mars or to brush aside a competitive, but 22. The Engineer’s forwards piled in, referee inexplicably called the game once again created by a Cushings something. I don’t know what ultimately inferior, Royal Engi- winning the turn over so that winger to halt only offering the Blues an break, to give the Blues a bit of action is going to be taken neers side. The pack dominated in Ash could canter in for an easy score. attacking scrum rather than a try. breathing space and they went against this Montague jerk-tool. both the loose and the scrums with It did not take long for Cam- The pressure put on by the Light into half time with a 5 point lead. Offi cial club stance on infringe- Maidment and Kururangi producing bridge to strike back, however, with Blues at scrum time eventually CONTINUED INSIDE ments of this nature is to condemn the offender as “genu- inely pretty off-key actually,” Football Blues tness regime comes under scrutiny in early season but I hope we’ll take things further because this is the most to get used to playing together. seem to have been hoping that fi t- with the stronger and better drilled un-banter Redboy behaviour VARSITY SPORT Yet this has been at the expense of ness will come through playing rath- opposition midfi eld. since Greg refused to get with It is understandable that having specifi c stamina training work-outs. er than through specifi c work outs. It remains to be seen whether Day Hannah, even though she was lost a large number of senior play- With only one training session dedi- It has, however, been a slightly and the management will regret not clearly up for it and fucking dis- ers from last year’s squad, the men’s cated to a circuits set at Fenners, inauspicious start for the University putting more fi tness sessions into gusting. Looking forward to this football Blues have been looking to and only one given to fi tness and ball squad. In their fi rst friendly fi xture the opening week training schedule, Sunday is cheering me up a bit bond as a new team and as a new unit work-outs, new captain James Day against Nottingham, the Blues lost for whilst it is benefi cial to have the though. We’ve got a swap with in the fi rst few weeks of term. To that and the Blues management were 4-2 and the Falcons 4-1. The Blues’ team playing together, in the early the Tit Hall Tits Out, who are end, their training schedule has been largely relying on players to improve lack of fi tness really began to tell season, the inability to run for 90 apparently up for it, and when I focused around ‘playing’ sessions their own playing stamina. Having midway through the second half minutes could cause them problems. say ‘it,’ I’m not talking about sex rather than fi tness, as the squad aim opted for fi ve to six practices they when they were not able to cope (I am).