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Script-Officer-Rimmer-Retcon 1 EXT. SPACE - NIGHT 1 STARBUG sails neatly across the star field. CUT TO: 2 INT. STARBUG - COCKPIT - NIGHT 2 LISTER, RIMMER, CAT and KRYTEN are seated at their stations. They’re in the middle of some action. LISTER Any sign of the ship yet? KRYTEN Affirmative, sir. Readouts indicate that it’s a Deep Space Explorer ship, and it’s in big trouble. RIMMER Got it. It’s drifting on the other side of that asteroid belt. CUT TO: 3 EXT. SPACE - NIGHT 3 On the other side a massive sun is a pencil-shaped ship with two massive wings - the NAUTILUS. It swoops past the sun and towards an asteroid belt. We can just make out Starbug on the other side. CUT TO: 4 INT. NAUTILUS - NIGHT 4 It’s dark. Then - a few banks of colorful lights come on, and then the room’s lights bathe the room in a fluorescent glow. A computer monitor clicks on and starts typing: "CLASS C ASTEROID STORM APPROACHING. PROTOCOL 17/B ACTIVATED. BIO-PRINT CREW. SYNTHI-CELLS LOADING. INITIATING BIO-PRINT. PRINTING - 1/76 - CAPTAIN EDWIN HERRING." Now we see a massive printing machine with a paper cut-out of a human being at the top. The machine springs into life, and one of the human sheets descends down into the machine. We hear the clicks and hums of a common household printer as it works. Now a pair of fully-dressed legs start to appear out the bottom slot, but then - something goes wrong. It stops. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 2. On the computer monitor: "PRINTER JAM! RELOAD BODY INTO CASSETTE AND TRY AGAIN." CUT TO: 5 EXT. SPACE - NIGHT 5 Starbug is zooming towards the asteroid belt. CUT TO: 6 INT. STARBUG - COCKPIT - NIGHT 6 The Dwarfers check their screens. LISTER Gettin’ anything? KRYTEN The signal’s very weak. The magnetides in the asteroid belt is distorting everything in the local vicinity. LISTER Try dropping frequencies. See if we can circumnavigate the storm. KRYTEN I think it’s working, sir. According to their manifest, their crew total is... half! LISTER Half what?? KRYTEN I don’t know, sir! CUT TO: 7 INT. NAUTILUS - NIGHT 7 The pair of legs in the printer start kicking, trying to make it work. Finally, a few seconds later, the rest of this man is ejected, but we can’t see him yet. He stands up, bent over, and yet his eyes are on the top of his bald head. Standing up, we see his face is stretched across the front of his head, with a haphazard mustache. He fumbles for the console. CUT TO: 3. 8 INT. STARBUG - COCKPIT - NIGHT 8 Cat notes a change on the readout. CAT Hey! Now it’s saying the crew total is "1"! LISTER What the hell is going on? KRYTEN Best guess, the Nautilus is bio-printing its crew. It was very fashionable in the twenty-fourth century where unmanned ships were sent into space, and only after they encountered anything interesting or dangerous, the crew best suited for the job were printed from the data library! CAT These dudes are gonna be human, right? KRYTEN Human-like. They’re created from synthetic stem cells, but like most movie stars, they’ll be incapable of having children in the normal way. Also, their lifespan will only last the length of their mission. In this case - save the Nautilus. SFX: "BEEP-BEEP!" Lister starts flicking some switches. LISTER We’ve got pictures coming through! The screen above them crackles into life, and now we see the man - CAPTAIN HERRING - peering at them with his deformed face. CAPTAIN HERRING This is Captain Edwin Herring of the SS Nautilus! Can you read me? Over. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 4. RIMMER Copy, Nautilus. But there’s something wrong with our video feed. From our end, you look like a hideous nineteenth-century circus freak! CAT Bud! You look like you’re wearing a toupee made of face! LISTER Yeah, one look at you and the Elephant Man would want to jump in his mum and dad’s bed! CAPTAIN HERRING Bio-printer jammed! Faulty! My face has been printed on the top of my head! Any advice? CAT Yeah! Don’t wear a hat! CAPTAIN HERRING What’s my situation? Obviously, it’s difficult to see! KRYTEN Well, it appears, sir, your engines are burnt out, and you’re drifting into the heart of a Class C asteroid storm! CAPTAIN HERRING I’m carrying Veranium! If the storm penetrates my hull, I’m done for! And so is everything in the local vicinity! Can you help? LISTER Our two ships are separated by the asteroid storm! We’d never get around to you in time! CAPTAIN HERRING Are you sure? RIMMER Of course we’re sure! It’s as plain as the nose on your head! (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 5. CAT What about your escape pods? Maybe use one of those! CAPTAIN HERRING Too late. They escaped already. That’s what happens when you give machines artificial intelligence. RIMMER Perhaps you should print some more of your crew, sir! Get some more assistance! CAPTAIN HERRING I just told you my printer’s faulty, cretin! I’m done for, aren’t I? They mute the audio feed. Kryten checks his screen. KRYTEN Sirs, intell coming in. It’s much as I feared. The nearer the Nautilus gets to us, the more we ourselves are in danger. CAT How’d you make that one out? KRYTEN If the Nautilus is destroyed in its present position, we’re safe. If the Nautilus is destroyed in the asteroid storm... LISTER The Veranium goes up, and the blast’s radius nukes us, too. They contemplate this for a moment. RIMMER Well... I have one idea... But you’re not going to like it. CAT That’s a given since we don’t like you anyway. LISTER What’s your idea, Rimmer? (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 6. RIMMER We fire a missile at the Nautilus and blow it up. LISTER (disgusted) You what?? RIMMER Lister, we can’t save him! We can’t save the ship! There’s no point in all of us going up because we’re trying to earn our "Save an Ugly Man" badge! LISTER But to just blow him up! That’s sick! I won’t do it! RIMMER I know. None of you can. You have your morals, Kryten has his programming and Cat’s too far from the button. I’ll do it. LISTER You can seriously live with that on your conscience? RIMMER Well, let’s see. I’m putting a deformed man out of his misery so we all can live. Gee, I wonder... KRYTEN Sir, I’m afraid Mr. Rimmer is right. It’s literally the only thing we can do. CAT He’s right, bud. There’s a time for morals, and there’s a time for logic. Frankly, I find ’em both boring, but whichever one ends with me alive at the end gets my vote. Lister is clearly torn. Realizing he’s never going to okay this, Rimmer goes ahead and presses the button. CUT TO: 7. 9 EXT. SPACE - NIGHT 9 A light flares under Starbug’s underbelly, and a missile zooms across the sky and into the asteroid storm, bobbing and weaving around the asteroids. CUT TO: 10 INT. STARBUG - COCKPIT - NIGHT 10 The Dwarfers watch helplessly. LISTER I can’t believe we’re doing this. RIMMER Just think of it as putting a beloved household pet out its misery. LISTER How the hell does that make it better?? RIMMER Sorry, I was referring to my stupid lemming. Damn thing nearly tore my fingernail off. KRYTEN Impact in thirty seconds, sirs. LISTER You’ve gotta tell Herring what you’ve done. You gotta tell him that you’re nuking his ship. RIMMER Oh yes, that’s a good idea. How’s that going to go? "Hello, Captain! Lovely day! Sorry, but I’m blowing you up! Hope you have a nice forty seconds! Bye!" CUT TO: 11 EXT. SPACE - NIGHT 11 The missile zooms through the asteroid belt. The Nautilus looms ahead. However, a particularly large asteroid clips its tail, and the missile begins flipping end over end, still toward the Nautilus. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 8. Rather than blow it up, it destroys one of the wings on the ship, BLOWING IT UP in a ball of fire. CUT TO: 12 INT. STARBUG - COCKPIT - NIGHT 12 We see Captain Herring on the screen. Static and interference plague the view as he’s rocked about. CAPTAIN HERRING I’ve been hit! I’m spinning out! The screen goes black. The Dwarfers sit in stunned silence, all looking very guilty. But then - the screen comes back on! Captain Herring is alive! CAPTAIN HERRING(CONT’D) That was the most insanely brilliant ballsiest maneuver I’ve ever witnessed! Who fired that missile?? The Dwarfers look at each other, astonished. Rimmer finds his voice. RIMMER Er... me? CAPTAIN HERRING What’s your name, soldier? RIMMER ... Rimmer. Arnold Rimmer, sir. CAPTAIN HERRING You mean you fired that missile, knowing it would take off my wing and knock me out of the asteroid storm? That’s genius, Rimmer!! RIMMER ... It was? I mean, it was! ... was it? CAPTAIN HERRING I owe you my life, sir! What’s your rank? (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 9. RIMMER Second tech, sir. CAPTAIN HERRING I shall commend you to your commanding officer to promote you for this! RIMMER Oh... er... we... well, that is to say... Technically I’m the commanding officer, sir.
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