1 EXT. SPACE - NIGHT 1 STARBUG sails neatly across the star field. CUT TO:
2 INT. STARBUG - COCKPIT - NIGHT 2 LISTER, RIMMER, CAT and KRYTEN are seated at their stations. They’re in the middle of some action.
LISTER Any sign of the ship yet? KRYTEN Affirmative, sir. Readouts indicate that it’s a Deep Space Explorer ship, and it’s in big trouble. RIMMER Got it. It’s drifting on the other side of that asteroid belt.
CUT TO: 3 EXT. SPACE - NIGHT 3 On the other side a massive sun is a pencil-shaped ship with two massive wings - the NAUTILUS. It swoops past the sun and towards an asteroid belt. We can just make out Starbug on the other side. CUT TO: 4 INT. NAUTILUS - NIGHT 4
It’s dark. Then - a few banks of colorful lights come on, and then the room’s lights bathe the room in a fluorescent glow.
A computer monitor clicks on and starts typing: "CLASS C ASTEROID STORM APPROACHING. PROTOCOL 17/B ACTIVATED. BIO-PRINT CREW. SYNTHI-CELLS LOADING. INITIATING BIO-PRINT. PRINTING - 1/76 - CAPTAIN EDWIN HERRING." Now we see a massive printing machine with a paper cut-out of a human being at the top. The machine springs into life, and one of the human sheets descends down into the machine. We hear the clicks and hums of a common household printer as it works. Now a pair of fully-dressed legs start to appear out the bottom slot, but then - something goes wrong. It stops.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 2.
On the computer monitor: "PRINTER JAM! RELOAD BODY INTO CASSETTE AND TRY AGAIN." CUT TO: 5 EXT. SPACE - NIGHT 5
Starbug is zooming towards the asteroid belt. CUT TO:
6 INT. STARBUG - COCKPIT - NIGHT 6 The Dwarfers check their screens. LISTER Gettin’ anything?
KRYTEN The signal’s very weak. The magnetides in the asteroid belt is distorting everything in the local vicinity.
LISTER Try dropping frequencies. See if we can circumnavigate the storm. KRYTEN I think it’s working, sir. According to their manifest, their crew total is... half! LISTER Half what??
KRYTEN I don’t know, sir! CUT TO:
7 INT. NAUTILUS - NIGHT 7 The pair of legs in the printer start kicking, trying to make it work. Finally, a few seconds later, the rest of this man is ejected, but we can’t see him yet.
He stands up, bent over, and yet his eyes are on the top of his bald head. Standing up, we see his face is stretched across the front of his head, with a haphazard mustache. He fumbles for the console.
CUT TO: 3.
8 INT. STARBUG - COCKPIT - NIGHT 8 Cat notes a change on the readout. CAT Hey! Now it’s saying the crew total is "1"! LISTER What the hell is going on?
KRYTEN Best guess, the Nautilus is bio-printing its crew. It was very fashionable in the twenty-fourth century where unmanned ships were sent into space, and only after they encountered anything interesting or dangerous, the crew best suited for the job were printed from the data library! CAT These dudes are gonna be human, right? KRYTEN Human-like. They’re created from synthetic stem cells, but like most movie stars, they’ll be incapable of having children in the normal way. Also, their lifespan will only last the length of their mission. In this case - save the Nautilus.
SFX: "BEEP-BEEP!" Lister starts flicking some switches. LISTER We’ve got pictures coming through! The screen above them crackles into life, and now we see the man - CAPTAIN HERRING - peering at them with his deformed face.
CAPTAIN HERRING This is Captain Edwin Herring of the SS Nautilus! Can you read me? Over.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 4.
RIMMER Copy, Nautilus. But there’s something wrong with our video feed. From our end, you look like a hideous nineteenth-century circus freak! CAT Bud! You look like you’re wearing a toupee made of face! LISTER Yeah, one look at you and the Elephant Man would want to jump in his mum and dad’s bed! CAPTAIN HERRING Bio-printer jammed! Faulty! My face has been printed on the top of my head! Any advice? CAT Yeah! Don’t wear a hat!
CAPTAIN HERRING What’s my situation? Obviously, it’s difficult to see! KRYTEN Well, it appears, sir, your engines are burnt out, and you’re drifting into the heart of a Class C asteroid storm! CAPTAIN HERRING I’m carrying Veranium! If the storm penetrates my hull, I’m done for! And so is everything in the local vicinity! Can you help?
LISTER Our two ships are separated by the asteroid storm! We’d never get around to you in time! CAPTAIN HERRING Are you sure? RIMMER Of course we’re sure! It’s as plain as the nose on your head!
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 5.
CAT What about your escape pods? Maybe use one of those! CAPTAIN HERRING Too late. They escaped already. That’s what happens when you give machines artificial intelligence. RIMMER Perhaps you should print some more of your crew, sir! Get some more assistance! CAPTAIN HERRING I just told you my printer’s faulty, cretin! I’m done for, aren’t I? They mute the audio feed. Kryten checks his screen. KRYTEN Sirs, intell coming in. It’s much as I feared. The nearer the Nautilus gets to us, the more we ourselves are in danger. CAT How’d you make that one out?
KRYTEN If the Nautilus is destroyed in its present position, we’re safe. If the Nautilus is destroyed in the asteroid storm... LISTER The Veranium goes up, and the blast’s radius nukes us, too.
They contemplate this for a moment. RIMMER Well... I have one idea... But you’re not going to like it. CAT That’s a given since we don’t like you anyway. LISTER What’s your idea, Rimmer?
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 6.
RIMMER We fire a missile at the Nautilus and blow it up. LISTER (disgusted) You what?? RIMMER Lister, we can’t save him! We can’t save the ship! There’s no point in all of us going up because we’re trying to earn our "Save an Ugly Man" badge! LISTER But to just blow him up! That’s sick! I won’t do it! RIMMER I know. None of you can. You have your morals, Kryten has his programming and Cat’s too far from the button. I’ll do it. LISTER You can seriously live with that on your conscience?
RIMMER Well, let’s see. I’m putting a deformed man out of his misery so we all can live. Gee, I wonder...
KRYTEN Sir, I’m afraid Mr. Rimmer is right. It’s literally the only thing we can do. CAT He’s right, bud. There’s a time for morals, and there’s a time for logic. Frankly, I find ’em both boring, but whichever one ends with me alive at the end gets my vote. Lister is clearly torn. Realizing he’s never going to okay this, Rimmer goes ahead and presses the button. CUT TO: 7.
9 EXT. SPACE - NIGHT 9 A light flares under Starbug’s underbelly, and a missile zooms across the sky and into the asteroid storm, bobbing and weaving around the asteroids.
CUT TO: 10 INT. STARBUG - COCKPIT - NIGHT 10 The Dwarfers watch helplessly.
LISTER I can’t believe we’re doing this. RIMMER Just think of it as putting a beloved household pet out its misery. LISTER How the hell does that make it better??
RIMMER Sorry, I was referring to my stupid lemming. Damn thing nearly tore my fingernail off.
KRYTEN Impact in thirty seconds, sirs. LISTER You’ve gotta tell Herring what you’ve done. You gotta tell him that you’re nuking his ship. RIMMER Oh yes, that’s a good idea. How’s that going to go? "Hello, Captain! Lovely day! Sorry, but I’m blowing you up! Hope you have a nice forty seconds! Bye!" CUT TO: 11 EXT. SPACE - NIGHT 11
The missile zooms through the asteroid belt. The Nautilus looms ahead. However, a particularly large asteroid clips its tail, and the missile begins flipping end over end, still toward the Nautilus.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 8.
Rather than blow it up, it destroys one of the wings on the ship, BLOWING IT UP in a ball of fire. CUT TO: 12 INT. STARBUG - COCKPIT - NIGHT 12
We see Captain Herring on the screen. Static and interference plague the view as he’s rocked about. CAPTAIN HERRING I’ve been hit! I’m spinning out! The screen goes black. The Dwarfers sit in stunned silence, all looking very guilty. But then - the screen comes back on! Captain Herring is alive! CAPTAIN HERRING(CONT’D) That was the most insanely brilliant ballsiest maneuver I’ve ever witnessed! Who fired that missile?? The Dwarfers look at each other, astonished. Rimmer finds his voice. RIMMER Er... me? CAPTAIN HERRING What’s your name, soldier? RIMMER ... Rimmer. Arnold Rimmer, sir. CAPTAIN HERRING You mean you fired that missile, knowing it would take off my wing and knock me out of the asteroid storm? That’s genius, Rimmer!! RIMMER ... It was? I mean, it was! ... was it?
CAPTAIN HERRING I owe you my life, sir! What’s your rank?
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 9.
RIMMER Second tech, sir.
CAPTAIN HERRING I shall commend you to your commanding officer to promote you for this! RIMMER Oh... er... we... well, that is to say... Technically I’m the commanding officer, sir. CAPTAIN HERRING You? A second tech is the commanding officer? RIMMER Yes, well, we’re... Er... Understaffed, sir.
CAPTAIN HERRING I see. How long have you been in command, Rimmer? RIMMER Well... "command" probably isn’t the right word, sir, but... It’s been, what... twenty-something years? KRYTEN Give or take a few centuries, sir. RIMMER In short, it’s been quite a while, sir.
CAPTAIN HERRING Well, we’ll just have to do something about that. How about I just give you that promotion myself, Rimmer? We’ll get it through to your onboard computer straight away. Rimmer is stunned. RIMMER I... I don’t know what to say, sir! It’s... so sudden! Lister closes his eyes in silent despair.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 10.
CAPTAIN HERRING I’ll send through an authorization. I look forward to meeting you. KRYTEN We’ll head back to Red Dwarf, sir, and then pick you up. The video link is cut. Rimmer sits at his station, mouth hanging open and staring at the screen in shock.
LISTER So... what’s the plan, "Officer Rimmer"? Rimmer continues to stare, absolutely gobsmacked.
CAT I think when we get back to Red Dwarf, we need to reboot his head. CUT TO:
13 EXT. SPACE - NIGHT 13 RED DWARF looms ahead. Starbug zooms towards it. ON THE CARGO BAY - Starbug whizzes past us and up into the open doors.
CUT TO: 14 INT. RED DWARF - CORRIDOR - DAY 14
Lister, Kryten and Cat stand to one side of the hatch while Rimmer stands to the other side. Kryten blows a captain’s whistle. The door opens, and Captain Herring walks awkwardly in, feeling around. RIMMER Welcome aboard, Captain Herring. CAPTAIN HERRING That’s a hell of a ceiling, you’ve got there, Rimmer! The lighting was stunning!
RIMMER Yes, well... This is our crew! Captain Herring turns to the others and feels over each one as Rimmer introduces them.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 11.
RIMMER (CONT’D) This is Cat... and Kryten... and Third Tech Dave Lister. Captain Herring grabs Lister’s cheeks.
CAPTAIN HERRING Ah... yes... Definitely a Third Tech. You can tell he’s no good just by feeling him. I’m onto you, Lister. Don’t think I’m not.
He bends over so his eyes are glaring at Lister. Lister squirms at the sight. Captain Herring turns back to Rimmer. CAPTAIN HERRING (CONT’D) Which reminds me, Rimmer. I think I was a bit hasty when I promoted you to officer. I should’ve promoted you to First Lieutenant! Congratulations! Rimmer is stunned. His eyes briefly roll up in his head, but he regains his composure and shakes the Captain’s hand. RIMMER Thank you, sir! CAPTAIN HERRING What’s the situation on the Nautilus, First Lieutenant? RIMMER (beat) Oh! That’s me! Well, the Skutters are unloading the cargo. I’m afraid the ship is done for. CAPTAIN HERRING Pity. That means my mission’s up, and I’ll have to terminate. Or at least, I would. KRYTEN What do you mean, sir?
CAPTAIN HERRING (to Rimmer) Which one was that, First Lieutenant?
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 12.
RIMMER Kryten, sir. CAPTAIN HERRING What’s his story?
RIMMER Cleaning droid, sir. Mostly sweeps, vacuums and makes complicated science stuff sound slightly less complicated.
CAPTAIN HERRING I see. Captain Herring turns and bends so his eyes are glaring at Kryten.
CAPTAIN HERRING (CONT’D) When I want you to speak, I’ll order you to, you deformed-faced metal duster!
Kryten shrinks back, terrified. LISTER Hey now, wait a minute! You can’t just barge in here and boss us about! CAPTAIN HERRING Oh, I can, Third Tech! I most certainly can! You see, I find that you’re in need of a proper commanding officer. I’ve updated my mission! As the Nautilus is no longer flight-worthy, I am hereby commandeering this ship! LISTER You what?? RIMMER Er... sir, I must say, this is quite... unusual. Are you sure you can do that?
CAPTAIN HERRING Quite sure, First Lieutenant. I authorized it when I authorized your promotion. I altered my ship’s bio-printer to ensure my mission was to serve Red Dwarf instead.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 13.
RIMMER I see... CAT Now wait just a damn minute! You think we’re just going to do whatever the hell you want just because you bend your eyes at us? CAPTAIN HERRING Certainly not! You’re free to do as you wish with your time. Just know that whenever something is to be done, you report to me. And when I am unavailable, you answer to First Lieutenant Rimmer! Understood?
Lister, Cat and Kryten just glare at him. Captain Herring bends over to look them in the eye, and they see how cross he is. CAPTAIN HERRING (CONT’D) Is? That? Clear?
Lister gives him a hard look. LISTER Crystal, "sir".
CAPTAIN HERRING That’s better. (to Rimmer) Come along, First Lieutenant! Time to start making plans!
Rimmer salutes smartly. RIMMER Sir, yes, sir! They stride away. Lister, Cat and Kryten watch them leave, furious. CUT TO: 15 INT. RED DWARF - OFFICER’S CLUB - NIGHT 15
Rimmer and Captain Herring sit at the bar of the Officer’s Club. Very high-class with comfortable leather chairs, coffee tables, and plastic plants. The Captain enjoys a scotch while Rimmer drinks ginger beer with a small cocktail umbrella and crazy straw. Gentle classical music is playing in the background.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 14.
They sit in silence. Both are completely bored, looking around and fiddling with their drinks. CAPTAIN HERRING Trifle dull, this place, isn’t it?
RIMMER Well... admittedly we haven’t had much use for the Officer’s Club. I don’t exactly party-hearty with the others that much.
CAPTAIN HERRING And so you shouldn’t. They’re beneath you. The grunts. The lower orders. Hardly the sort of company a man of distinction should seek out. RIMMER Yes, well... I suppose so. CAPTAIN HERRING What you need is a proper crew. People to answer to you. Give your promotion some meaning. RIMMER That’d be nice, but where are we going to get one? CAPTAIN HERRING The bio-printer would be able to provide one. If only it were working...
RIMMER I could have Kryten give it a looksee in the morning. One machine to another - he might be able to fix it. CAPTAIN HERRING Smashing. Absolutely smashing. It’s a complicated machine with more unseedy viruses than a gangster’s trollop! RIMMER But even if we got it working, how would that give me a crew?
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 15.
CAPTAIN HERRING It’s just a matter of downloading someone’s genome. It’d print off the person selected. Just the thing to give you a cracking crew!
RIMMER So we could replicate the crew of the Nautilus? CAPTAIN HERRING I said a cracking crew, not a screw up crew. No, no, no, the crew of the Nautilus are not suitable. Worst band of villains you could ever get stuck with. They tried to turn on me once! Tried to jam me into the airlock! He takes another swig of his drink. Rimmer tries not to look too alarmed. RIMMER Is that right? Well, that’s a pity! Well... let’s not do that then. CAPTAIN HERRING Of course, there is another way...
RIMMER What’s that? CAPTAIN HERRING We could make more of you.
RIMMER Me?? CAPTAIN HERRING You! Your belongings will still have traces of your DNA on them. We can combine that by having a full body-scan of your hard-light form. RIMMER I don’t think that’s such a good idea. You see, I’ve tried to the multi-me scenario before. Multi-times. I can never get along with myself.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 16.
CAPTAIN HERRING Ah, but the bio-printer can alter the copy’s personality! RIMMER It can? CAPTAIN HERRING Yes! Just a few tweaks here and there, and we can make the new Rimmers all the more agreeable.
Rimmer mulls this over for a few moments. RIMMER Well... I suppose we could have them all rank below me so I could still tell them what to do. I was such a jobsworth in the old days, always blindly following every order just because a superior told me to... What the hell! It’s worth a try!
The Captain holds up his glass, and Rimmer clinks his against it, taking a childish sip through the crazy straw. CUT TO:
16 INT. RED DWARF - CORRIDOR - DAY 16 Lister, Rimmer and Cat approach the two lifts on either side of the corridor. RIMMER Right, Kryten’s been working on the bio-printer with Captain Herring all morning. They’re nearly finished, so they’ve invited us to have a look.
LISTER Brutal. Let’s have a goosey. They start to approach the lift on the right, but Rimmer eyes the one on the left. The one that has the words "OFFICER’S LIFT" emblazoned on the doors. RIMMER You know what would be nice? Let’s see if I can get in now...
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 17.
Rimmer punches in a twelve-digit code in the keypad, and the doors to the lift slide open to reveal a very posh looking lift. RIMMER (CONT’D) It worked! I’ve had the code to the officer’s lift for years, but it never let me in because of my rank! Rimmer steps inside the lift. We hear very soothing opera music playing. He sits down in a leather chair. He motions to an empty one. RIMMER (CONT’D) Come on! You can fight for the other one.
Lister and Cat make to enter the lift, but the entrance lights up orange, and they both strike an invisible wall. LISTER What the smeg was that?!
OFFICER’S LIFT(VO) Your rank is insufficient for travel in this lift. Please select the appropriate lift. CAT The appropriate lift? What the hell is it talking about? RIMMER Captain Herring mentioned he’d be making some improvements around here. I wonder if this is what he meant... LISTER So which lift are we "lower orders" supposed to take? Behind them, the other lift opens, and we see it’s full of junk and hissing steam. The doors squeak horribly and shudder as they move. Lister and Cat stare back at Rimmer, who has found a glass of champagne and is sipping it. He notices their expressions and looks sheepish. RIMMER Right, well... I’ll just... meet you there?
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 18.
Lister and Cat scowl before they step inside and let the doors awkwardly shut around them. Rimmer takes another sip of his drink as the doors shut on him as well. CUT TO:
17 INT. RED DWARF - GRUNT LIFT - DAY 17 Lister and Cat barely have any room. GRUNT LIFT (VO) Floor? (beat; impatiently) Floor?? LISTER Science Deck, please.
GRUNT LIFT (VO) What? LISTER (louder) Science Deck, please! GRUNT LIFT (VO) I heard you! I ain’t deaf! LISTER Did he program the lift to be even ruder? CUT TO: 18 INT. RED DWARF - OFFICER’S CORRIDOR - DAY 18
A different floor. Rimmer steps out of the Officer’s Lift. OFFICER’S LIFT (VO) Thank you for joining our downward journey, and we hope you enjoy going down with us again soon. RIMMER Enchanting.
CUT TO: 19.
19 INT. RED DWARF - GRUNT CORRIDOR - DAY 19 The doors squeak and shudder open. Lister and Cat stagger out. CAT Look what that steam did to my hair! I’ve lost volume! Height! Bounce! Lister turns and sees that a hatchway has a gate in front of it now. Rimmer appears on the other side. LISTER What the hell is this? RIMMER Looks like Captain Herring put the old Officer’s Tube in action. He’s cut it off from the lower orders. LISTER You what?? Now we can’t even walk in the same corridor? RIMMER Guess not. See you at the other end of the corridor. Bon voyage!
Rimmer walks away. Lister and Cat are left to trudge up the corridor, which is full of junk and loose cables. CAT His corridor’s got the best of everything! Air con! Music!
They pass by another gated hatch and see Rimmer on a conveyor belt. He waves cheerfully as he goes. LISTER He doesn’t even have to walk! CUT TO: 20 INT. RED DWARF - OFFICER’S CORRIDOR - DAY 20
Rimmer rides along, slowly growing a smug expression on his face. CUT TO: 20.
21 INT. RED DWARF - SCIENCE ROOM - DAY 21 Kryten, Captain Herring and two Skutters are working on the bio-printer. They look at it admiringly. Rimmer enters, followed by a disheveled Lister and Cat.
CAPTAIN HERRING Are they here, mech? KRYTEN Sir, yes, sir.
Captain Herring bends over to see. CAPTAIN HERRING Ah, splendid! Gentlemen!
Rimmer smartly salutes him. RIMMER First Lieutenant Arnold Rimmer reporting for duty!
LISTER Yeah, we’re here, too. So how’s the bio-printer? CAPTAIN HERRING Working like a dream.
RIMMER How’d you fix it so soon? KRYTEN I gave it a jolly good kicking, sir. RIMMER I thought you were against abusing machines.
KRYTEN Photocopiers and printers are the sole exception, sir. It should be finished calibrating.
RIMMER Excellent. Did you get the sample I gave you? A Skutter holds up a petrie dish in its claws.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 21.
KRYTEN Ready and loaded, sir. CAPTAIN HERRING We are ready to begin!
LISTER Begin what? CAPTAIN HERRING Printing off a proper crew for this ship! That way, Mr Rimmer and I shall have more of our own kind. CAT Your own kind? You mean being fake people?
CAPTAIN HERRING We’re more people than you, feline. No, we’ll have more officers! More personnel to report to us!
RIMMER And I rank over all of them! LISTER Who the hell are you printing?
CAPTAIN HERRING Come on, First Lieutenant! Step right up! Rimmer steps up beside the printer. Kryten places a wired helmet on his head. A light is emitted that scans his entire form. LISTER Oh smeg. CAT You gotta be kidding! Kryten press a large button on the printer. A sheet of human-shaped paper goes down into the machine. We hear the whirs and clicks as a long pair of legs in blue trousers slide out the dispenser. They watch in amazement as an exact copy of Rimmer is produced! The NEW RIMMER stands up. Dressed like Rimmer in every detail, but he has no H on his forehead.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 22.
RIMMER Happy Birthday, Mr Rimmer! NEW RIMMER Nice to be here, Mr Rimmer!
LISTER You’re bio-printing yourself? RIMMER Not to worry, Lister! The man you see before you is a complete individual! CAPTAIN HERRING Quite right. This copy of First Lieutenant Rimmer has differences that I’ve programmed into the bio-printer myself to ensure they don’t get bored of each other. NEW RIMMER Absolutely, moi captain! How may I serve you, sir? CAPTAIN HERRING Just be prepared to go up to the Officer’s Deck when we’ve finished! We’ve got plenty more where you came from! LISTER You’re gonna make more? CAT Excuse me while I exit to vomit all over the Grunt Lift. The New Rimmer just smiles smugly while Captain Herring puts an arm around him.
CUT TO: 22 INT. RED DWARF - OFFICER’S CLUB - DAY 22 The room is now full of Rimmers - ten in total, plus the original. Captain Herring sits in a leather chair with Rimmer next to him, and all the Bio-Rimmers are milling around, talking, laughing, sipping drinks. CAPTAIN HERRING You see, Rimmer? I told you this would work! At last, we’re (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 23.
CAPTAIN HERRING (cont’d) surrounded by the upper-crust! I just don’t understand why you wanted to stop.
RIMMER Well, all that being scanned was starting to make me feel a bit woozy. Besides, ten’s plenty. Don’t want to go overboard.
CAPTAIN HERRING Nonsense! This ship was once crewed by over eleven hundred people! With that machine running at full pelt, we could rebuild the entire crew by the end of the month!
BIO-RIMMER 1 Excellent idea, sir! BIO-RIMMER 2 Absolutely smashing idea, sir!
BIO-RIMMER 3 Couldn’t have put it better myself, sir! Rimmer is a bit perturbed by all their talking.
RIMMER Yes, well. Fun though it would be, I think ten’s plenty. If all goes well, maybe can add a few more later on. CAPTAIN HERRING Come now, First Lieutenant! All we have to do is bung you into the machine and they’ll come flying out! BIO-RIMMER 1 They certainly will, sir! BIO-RIMMER 2 Abostively posolutely! BIO-RIMMER 3 More scotch and green tea, sir?
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 24.
RIMMER Sir, with all due respect, as much as I’m enjoying the improvements you’ve made around here, I really don’t think it’s necessary. It’s good to have ten extra sets of hands around in a crisis, but we’ve been running Red Dwarf just the four of us quite well. True, there is the odd occasion where we have to abandon ship for one ghastly reason or another, but on the whole, we’ve done well. CAPTAIN HERRING No doubt due to your quick-thinking and leadership skills.
RIMMER (beat) That’s beside the point. Look, with all due respect, it’s my body, and my personality, and I have a right to refuse you services if I so please. Thank you. BIO-RIMMER 1 I’ll be bio-printed, sir!
RIMMER What?? BIO-RIMMER 2 Me, sir! I’ll gladly be bio-printed!
BIO-RIMMER 3 Me, sir! Me! Me! Me!! RIMMER Are you the only three that can talk?! CAPTAIN HERRING (to the bio-Rimmers) Very good of you boys to offer, but I’m afraid it won’t do. The original Rimmer is the only one who can do it. RIMMER Well, I’m putting my foot down. I’m sorry, Captain, but I have rights, (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 25.
RIMMER (cont’d) and I’m not giving you use of my body unless I say so. Captain Herring bends over to give him a long hard look. His eyes look a bit devious. CAPTAIN HERRING As you wish, First Lieutenant. CUT TO:
23 INT. RED DWARF - OFFICER’S CORRIDOR - NIGHT 23 The corridor is dark with only some LED lighting. We see a gurney being wheeled down the corridor being pushed by a shadowy figure. As it passes, we see Rimmer strapped to the gurney, sound asleep his blue pajamas, and then we see he’s being pushed by Captain Herring - bent over so he can see where he’s going. CUT TO:
24 INT. RED DWARF - SCIENCE ROOM - NIGHT 24 Dimly lit, we see Captain Herring at the bio-printer’s controls. NEW RIMMERS are stepping out, one by one. A whole gang of bio-Rimmers - all perfectly identical - are milling around in the Science Room.
ON RIMMER - the wire helmet strapped to his head, and he’s bound to the gurney - still asleep. His face contorts as if in pain, and he slowly wakes up. He briefly panics - where is he?? PULL OUT as he fully realizes what is happening!
RIMMER Oh no... Oh God, no! His head swivels left and right until he spies a computer terminal close by.
RIMMER (CONT’D) Voice command! Link with Holo Suite! One-Seven-Delta-Alpha! COMPUTER (VO) Holo-suite online. RIMMER Engage soft-light projection mode!
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 26.
COMPUTER (VO) Soft-light initiated. Rimmer’s image flickers, and his uniform turns RED. The helmet falls off, and the straps fall through him. He sits up.
RIMMER Engage hard-light projection mode! COMPUTER (VO) Hard-light initiated. Rimmer’s outfit returns to BLUE. He leaps off the gurney just as the latest bio-Rimmer steps out and slams his fist on a button. The bio-printer sputters and stops. The room goes very quiet.
CAPTAIN HERRING ... Ah. First Lieutenant! Did we wake you? RIMMER Captain! With all due respect, sir, what the Samuel Langhorn hell do you think you’re doing?! CAPTAIN HERRING Well, my intention was to create more of the crew. We were almost finished when you interrupted. RIMMER You’ve got some nerve just hijacking my physical form without my permission! You’re plagiarizing my body! BIO-RIMMER 1 You’ve got some nerve talking to him like that!
Rimmer turns around and is shocked to see a HUGE GATHERING of BIO-RIMMERS all wearing identical glares. He starts backing away. RIMMER What are you talking about? BIO-RIMMER 1 You can’t just talk to our Captain like that!
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 27.
BIO-RIMMER 2 Have you any conception of the penalties for referring to your commanding officer as a bodysnatcher??
BIO-RIMMER 3 We won’t stand for it! RIMMER Wait just a damned minute! You can’t talk to me like that! I outrank all of you! CAPTAIN HERRING And I outrank you, so if I give them an order, they’ll do it. (to the bio-Rimmers) Gentlemen? Remove First Lieutenant Rimmer at once. ALL BIO-RIMMERS SIR! YES, SIR!
They descend on Rimmer. CUT TO: 25 INT. RED DWARF - SLEEPING QUARTERS - DAY 25
Lister rolls over in his bunk, just waking up. He rubs the sleep from his eyes. Then - he and we find that Rimmer is bound and gagged, once again on the gurney and struggling to get free. Lister leaps down from the bunk and runs over to him.
LISTER What the smeg? Rimmer, what happened? He removes the gag so Rimmer can speak.
RIMMER That damn double-long-faced captain! He printed up more Rimmers while I was asleep! They shanghaied me!
CUT TO: 28.
26 INT. RED DWARF - SCIENCE ROOM - DAY 26 Kryten pokes his head inside. Finding the place empty, he motions for Lister, Rimmer and Cat to follow him inside. LISTER Where’s he gone? KRYTEN The ship’s internal sweep says he’s returned with the Officer’s Deck with the other Rimmers? CAT All of them? How can one room hold all those nostrils?
Kryten presses some buttons on the bio-printer. KRYTEN Ah, sir. Here’s a backlog of all the printed Mr Rimmers to date.
Rimmer joins him and frowns at what he sees. RIMMER He said he’d alter their personalities so we’d get along better. Doesn’t look like he changed much. Even their ranks are all the same! They’re all just "Officers". LISTER So?
RIMMER He said he wanted to build us a new crew. But there’s no specific job allocations. No Navigation Officers, no Science Officers, not even Catering Officers. Just "Officers". It’s like an honorary degree - they’re meaningless. CAT Sounds like Captain Horse Face didn’t want to build a crew. He just wanted a crowd of upper-crusts to pretend to be fancy with.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 29.
LISTER And they’re all loyal to him. Any attempt to stop him, and his gang of blue boys come along and pummel us.
RIMMER Why did he have to pick on me? Why use me as a bio-whore? KRYTEN During my repair work on the bio-printer, I learned something rather disturbing. It transpires that when someone wears the helmet and downloads their physical appearance, the original person’s brain is permanently damaged, and they tend to die within a few weeks of using it. LISTER So that’s why he needed you to do it. You’re an indestructible hard-light hologram. RIMMER That’s right! All I felt was a tad of nausea when I used it.
CAT So now we got motive. What do we do now?
LISTER Do the bio-copies have any weakness to exploit? KRYTEN Given the somewhat faulty nature of the printer, sir, there is the chance that the bio-Rimmers are unstable. Early bio-printers like this one were prone to creating unstable beings. Typically, if brought under considerable stress, the bio-beings would break down into their component atoms. RIMMER So you’re saying we need to stress out the other Rimmers to stop them?
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 30.
KRYTEN Precisely, sir. LISTER Shouldn’t be too hard. You more tightly wound than a boa constrictor killing a small rodent. Rimmer thinks for a moment. Then he snaps his fingers. RIMMER Okay, I think I’ve got something... But I’m going to need all three of you to work with me on this. Kryten - send a message to the Officer’s Club. We’ll be holding an assembly today.
CUT TO: 27 INT. RED DWARF - OFFICER’S CLUB - DAY 27 CLOSE UP on a sign: "NEW OFFICER’S CLUB"
We see a room FULL OF BIO-RIMMERS. All of them dressed in blue uniforms while some are dressed in serving outfits carrying trays. Among them is Captain Herring, sitting at the bar, sipping a drink.
He hears something and turns to see a RIMMER BARBERSHOP QUARTET performing for the other Rimmers - four Rimmers wearing a purple and white striped jackets, white trousers, bow ties and straw hats. RIMMER QUARTET (singing) Mister Rimmer. We are what we seem! (Rim-rim-rim-rim) The cutest quartet - that you’ve ever seen! (Rim-rim-rim-rim) We’ve got four mouths - a due times two! (Rim-rim-rim-rim) This barbershop quartet is singing for you! The Bio-Rimmers all clap and cheer. Captain Herring just shrugs and goes back to his drink.
At the entrance, a RIMMER DOORMAN stands behind a podium. A Skutter arrives with an envelope in his hand. Rimmer Doorman picks it up and opens it. He skims it, then take it to Captain Herring.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 31.
RIMMER DOORMAN Captain Herring, sir! CAPTAIN HERRING At ease, soldier. What is it?
RIMMER DOORMAN A message, sir! It seems First Lieutenant Rimmer is holding a general assembly in the assembly room, sir!
CAPTAIN HERRING Is that so? What time? RIMMER DOORMAN In an hour. He requests that all crewmen be present. CAPTAIN HERRING I see. (beat) Sort of. Very well then. Send a reply. We’ll be there. RIMMER DOORMAN Absolutely, sir. Rimmer Doorman salutes and marches off. Captain Herring strokes his chin curiously. CUT TO: 28 INT. RED DWARF - ASSEMBLY ROOM - DAY 28
A large cavernous room with a stage and microphone. The room is PACKED WITH BIO-RIMMERS - all standing to attention. Captain Herring stands in the front row. One bio-Rimmer hands him a drink. Another lights a cigar for him.
Rimmer is just off-stage with Lister, Cat and Kryten. KRYTEN You really think this will work, sir?
RIMMER Absolutely. Trust me. I know precisely what will piss me off. Be ready.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 32.
Rimmer marches out onstage. A spot light shines down on him. He reaches center stage and snaps a Rimmer-salute. Every single bio-Rimmer returns it in perfect unison, disturbing the hell out of Captain Herring. RIMMER Gentlemen! Officers! ... Me’s... I’m delighted to announce that in light of exemplary work in the line of duty, I’ve decided to use my position as First Lieutenant to issue some long-deserved promotions! The bio-Rimmers begin murmuring excitedly. Captain Herring bends his head down so he can see Rimmer - an eyebrow raised. RIMMER (CONT’D) Yes, I know. Settle down. Will the promotees please make their way to the stage? Lister, Cat and Kryten walk on stage. Lister and Cat wave to the crowd like celebrities. The bio-Rimmers immediately yell in outrage. Much booing and jeering from them.
Rimmer pulls a small box of pips and medals out from under the podium. He opens it and pulls out a medal, heading for Kryten. RIMMER (CONT’D) For outstanding lavatory cleaning, superb dusting, expertise in scientific studies and being a master in exposition, I hereby promote Kryten 2X4B-523P to Science Officer!
KRYTEN Why, sir! I don’t know what to say! RIMMER (through his teeth) You don’t have to say anything. Just accept the damn medal. Rimmer pins the medal to Kryten’s chest plate. In the crowd, we see all the bio-Rimmers reacting with outrage and fury, cursing and booing. Captain Herring looks around them, a bit concerned. Rimmer now moves to the Cat.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 33.
RIMMER For outstanding piloting skills the likes of which the Space Corps has never seen...
Cat clears his throat expectantly. Rimmer rolls his eyes. RIMMER (CONT’D) ... and looking good doing it... I hereby award The Cat the promotion of Flight Officer.
He pins another medal to Cat’s lapel. Cat does a jig of celebration and a celebratory howl. Now the Rimmers in the audience are reacting with even greater fury. Shouting and booing. Some give v-signs.
Rimmer continues to Lister, who smirks at him cheekily. RIMMER (CONT’D) And finally, last but certainly least... To David Lister, for outstanding service in the field, for showing pluck and determination and that annoying chirpy gerbil-faced optimism... you are hereby promoted from Third Technician to First Lieutenant.
He pins the medal to Lister’s jacket. LISTER You serious?
RIMMER We’re equals now, Lister. Nothing could infuriate me more. They look into the crowd of bio-Rimmers. They are all shouting furiously. Some are trying to charge the stage. Captain Herring is trying to hold them back. CAPTAIN HERRING No wait! Stop! Calm down! But now the bio-Rimmers are starting to glow blue. The glow becomes intense and fills the room. Rimmer turns to the others. RIMMER Time to run!
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 34.
Lister, Cat and Kryten quickly run off the stage. Rimmer stays to shoot Captain Herring a very smart-arsed Rimmer-salute. He turns and flees the stage.
Captain Herring is furious as the bio-Rimmers continue to try and rush the stage, tripping over each other, glowing brighter and brighter. CAPTAIN HERRING I’ll see you hang for this! (beat) If I could! The bio-Rimmers glow brighter and brighter.
CUT TO: 29 INT. RED DWARF - CORRIDOR - DAY 29 Lister, Cat and Kryten run out of the assembly hall and into the corridor, running OUT OF SHOT.
Rimmer comes strolling out a moment later. As soon as he clears the hatch, there’s a great blue explosion behind him. He doesn’t even flinch as he walks away. CROSSFADE TO:
30 INT. RED DWARF - SCIENCE ROOM - DAY 30 Lister, Rimmer, Cat, Kryten and the Skutters are pulling apart the bio-printer. Bits of it lie everywhere.
Enter Captain Herring - covered in blue dust and smudges. He staggers his way in. CAPTAIN HERRING What the devil are you lot doing?
LISTER Ensuring you can’t use this thing anymore. CAT Yeah. Last thing we want is a bunch of Goalpost Heads clogging the corridors. CAPTAIN HERRING I quite agree. I have enough Rimmers to last me a lifetime. (to Rimmer) And if you think you’re still a First Lieutenant after all this, (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 35.
CAPTAIN HERRING (cont’d) your head must be more screwed up than mine! I’ve just seen to the ship’s computer. I’ve busted your sorry arse down to Second Technician. And that’s where you’re staying! RIMMER Quite frankly, sir, I’m more than happy with that. Thank you for the stark reminder that I’m not suited for the life of an officer. Working Class Hero - that’s me. CAPTAIN HERRING Well, I’m glad you think so. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be enjoying some peace and quiet in the Officer’s Club. RIMMER I’m afraid not, sir. You see, I was just about to do what I was actually going to do when I accidentally saved your life. CAPTAIN HERRING What?
RIMMER Yes. Because Lister has his morals, Kryten has his programming, and Cat’s too far from the button. So as always, it falls to me.
Rimmer presses a button the bio-printer’s control panel. Captain Herring reacts with shock as he suddenly seems to shrink down until he’s nothing more than a human-shaped piece of paper on the floor with the faint image of his body. The Dwarfers stand over it. RIMMER (CONT’D) Kryten - take Captain Herring down to the recycling chamber, will you? KRYTEN Right away, sir.
(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 36.
RIMMER And perhaps later, gentlemen, you can join me for drinks in the Officer’s Deck.
LISTER Delightful, old bean! CAT Pip pip! Tally ho!
They walk off together CUT TO: 31 END CREDITS 31
END OF EPISODE