PAGE 16 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY FEATURES April 25, 2000

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member those cartoons you frowned upon because they were too sed to watch when you were a concerned with themselves, Vanity rep­ ffid? Did you ever want to be resenting the homosexual stereotype. your favorite cartoon character? Well, The dissenting and over-analyzing after reading this week's installment of Brainy Smurf represented Trotsky. The Information Overload you may have a most valued members of the Smurf soci­ bitter aftertaste in your mouth, disgusted ety were Farmer Smurf and Carpenter by what the heroes of your childhood Smurf, representing the proletariat, the have been turned into. Or, you could hammer and the sickle on the Soviet grow ecstatic over their success in the flag. Gargamel and Azriel, on the other real world! Either way, this is what hap­ hand, were the "evil capitalists," pens when you grow up watching car­ Gargamel trying to boil the hard-work­ toons: they grow up with you, get into ing blue creatures into gold and Azriel drugs with you, acquire fetishes, go on being the "fat cat American politician." homicidal rampages ... You know, all the Doesn't it all make sense now? This is usual weeknight activities. how we were all duped, and whether we like it or not we have been raised to Bert Is. Evil (www.bertisevil.com) believe that communism is good See Bert get it on with supermodels! through these seemingly lovable car­ Uncover the horrors of Ernie's murder! toons. Now go hang your head in shame See the side of Bert that PBS was afr~d for ever watching this evil, propaganda­ to air! Remember those tapes of Pamela laden show. Anderson and Tommy Lee on their hon­ The Dark Side of the Scooby Gang eymoon? Apparently Bert, an old drug Gang (www.cdc.net/-drjekyll/scoobyl buddy of Tommy's, took a part in that darksidel) Everyone knows that what whole ordeal, but edited the footage of really went on behind the scenes of himself out of the tapes. And, remember Scooby Doo was highly screwed up. that little in skirmish in the Persian Gulf Shaggy and Scooby were always stoned, a few years back? Yep, that was Bert too. Freddy and Daphne were screwing like And the possibility of Bert being an rabbits, and Velma . . . Well, no one ancient Martian deity has still not been knows what Velma did, which means refuted ... You get the point. The seem­ she was the sneakiest of them all. ingly innocent muppet has been fooling Unfortunately, after hours of scavenging us all along. Far from being the harmless. the abyss of the Internet, the Web site Sesame Street character residing with his that reveals these things remained undis­ gay lover Ernie, he was a Nazi, drug covered. The Dark Side of the Scooby pusher and Heaven knows what else all Gang ·was the closest thing, subversive along. in its own right but lacking drug refer­ Papa Smurf is a Communist ences. It features the gang as a bunch of (www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/Lobby/ Satanist hooligans, with Shaggy and 1709/index.html) Quite possibly one of Scooby in a constant power struggle and the most brilliant sites out there. Papa Daphne and Velma in constant competi­ Smurf is a communist. Why else was he tion for Freddy's hot bod. This is the ''AS HOT AS EVER I dressed in red, and bore an uncanny Nega-Gang, all decked out in black STOMP HAS A BEAT THAT JUST WON'T QUITI'' resemblance to both Marx and Stalin? leather and with an attitude, riding -San Francisco Chronicle The Smurf society rewarded hard work, around in the black and purple Misery granting equality to all in return. Vanity Machine, causing trouble. -Anna Smurf and Greedy Smurf were both Kaplan

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