T H E N E R V E H I T S Q U A D InnarInnardsds King Pin (a/k/a Editor-IIn-CChief) MusicMusic Bradley C. Damsgaard [email protected] Lady Godiva (a/k/a Music Editor) Cover Story Sarah Rowland .. [email protected] SpreadEagle Film The Getaway Driver (a/k/a Production Manager) Pierre Lortie [email protected] After spening the day with Optical Nerve Father Gary (a/k/a Visual Arts Editor) the boys from Mission, Gore 24 Jason Ainsworth Shotgun (a/k/a Film Editor) Adrian Mack is off on dis- Bjorn Olson Friend of the Family (a/k/a Adult Content Editor) ability leave and won’t be Jason Wertman writng his column until the Skate The Henchmen (a/k/a Design & Graphics) doctors say his mental Pierre Lortie, Saturnin, B. Damage health stabilizes... 14 Skate Menace Cover Photo: Laura Murray 8-Ball of S preadEagle look- Skate Spot 23 [email protected] ing suspiciously well fed... The Muscle (a/k/a Staff Writers) Adrian? Are you in there? Atomick Pete, A.D. MADGRAS, Cowboy TexAss, Casey Bourque, Sinister Sam, Adler Floyd, Aaronoid, Dmidtrui Otis, Angela Fama, Incoming Opinion Billy Hopeless, Dennis Regan, D-Rock and Miss Kim, Michael Mann, Adrian Mack, Jake Turbonegro 11 Poole, Christine Aebi Atomick Blast 21 Death by Stereo 13 Copy Editing It’s Rainin’ Men 22 Alyssa Koehler Advertising (a/k/a Fire Insurance) Naughty Camp Brad Damsgaard [email protected] Behind the scenes 16 Etc... The Nerve is published monthly by The Nerve Etc... Magazine Ltd. The opinions expressed by the writers 2003 Awards 5 and artists do not necessarily reflect those of The Nerve Magazine or its editors... but often do. First Northwest Rock Files 9 publishing rights only are property of The Nerve Puzzle Page / Alt F4 25 Magazine cause we have no desire to “ own” you. The Nerve does not accept responsibility for content in Casey’s Q & A 5 Found! / Cartoons 27 advertisements. The Nerve reserves the right to refuse any advertisement or submission and accepts no Recipe for Disaster 7 Nerveland Smut Ranch responsibility for unsolicited manuscripts or artwork. 27 Copyright 2003 Live wires 17 508 - 825 Granville St. Off the Record 18 Vancouver, B.C. Now that the Halos are back together, Billy Hopeless V6Z 1K9 is looking to renogotiate his Nerve contract. Thus he UNCENSORED! 604.734.1611 won’t be writing his column until our union busters Viewer Discretion Advised www.thenervemagazine.com beat some sense into that Commie bastard. Casey’s Q & A Cheap Shotz What was your most memorable This month’s Cheap Shotz about his former bandmate. Halloween Costume? salutes the brightest and Best Idea: Jason LeBlanc’s decision not to Al Camino from Les Tabernacles share the stage with his bandmates in Cum Soc “This one time in junior high I went as a bravest of punk rock by who were too wasted to rise to the occasion of grandma. The bad part was i was taking a headlining. piss at the urinal and hiked up my dress and presenting: The first annu- dropped my reading glasses in there. I had al Naughty Camp 2003 Best man vs. Animal showdown: Creepy and to retrieve them because they belonged to the Duck on the Coquihalla . For those keepin’ my friend.” awards score: that’s two for bird and zero for Creepy. By Sarah Rowland Naughty Champ: Eddie Anarchy. The rock Jonathan Cummins from Bionic stocker from Edmonchuk is probably still wan- “Last year we dressed up as the dering the streets of Peachland looking for Norwegian death metal band, Mayhem. Best Crack: Bosh from Hi-Test. But he had more bands. We used lots of blood capsules that night.” some pretty stiff competition. Uncle Anus from Toronto’s Dirty Bird wanted to walk away with Naughty Chump: Grumpy soundman. Dude, this title. Either that or he had a piece of pop- you’re mixing in a barn, not Carnegie fuckin’ corn stuck in his cornhole. For whatever rea- Hall. Don’t be so serious. son, he insisted on flossing his ass with the communal mike chord. Minty Delicious from Red Hot Lovers Best loss of bowel control: Out of respect to “In grade six, I made a godzilla costume his family, we’ll just call him Lou S. Bowels. Best Rack: NC chief of staff, Kelly out of green foam ...I looked like a huge Yah, some shitbag finally dethroned the 2001 cucumber, really.” Drinkwater. They weren’t the biggest swingin’ victor. (Again, out of respect to his loved ones, udders on the farm, but they’re natch and hold- Mt. Currie’s defecating titleholder shall remain ing up quite nicely. Elizabeth Hurley comes to nameless.) mind. Sexiest on-stage chemistry: Danny Danger Best reason to periodically check for and Randy Romance of the Red Hot lovers. Naughty ticks: Jesse Birch’s beard. Still not Not since Mick and Keith circa Cocksucker sure if the lead singer from Cum Soc is using Blues, has there been a hotter guitar/ singer his facial fur to smuggle weapons of mass combination. destruction into the Holy Land or just pullin’ a Lucas Jones from the Electric Eye Cat Stevens? The Nerve Academy would like to acknowledge c “In 1999 my roommate, Carrie, and I the M Kagues for realizing their land has a dressed up like Milli Vanilli. I was the Best Lyric: “I don’t care if we fuck or fight higher purpose and give props to Bolsheviks dead one! That was the first time I tonight!”—Red Hot Lovers. Something about guitarist, Adam Payne, for pulling off Naughty wore spandex.” that sentiment made me miss my oldman. Camp 2003. Acting as the middle man between Creepy and the civilized world, Payne man- Best line: “He’s got a kid and no home. He aged to do what few thought possible. For the treats his crack addiction with heroin but he’s full story, turn to page 16. Bill Heatherington from the Neckers still the best drummer you’ll ever hear”— “My mum dressed me up as Charlie Matthew Russell of the Kidnappers talking Chaplin when I was six or seven. That was pretty cool.” 5 Recipe for Disaster! By Sarah Rowland ames Farwell suffers from a bad case of who is scarred with “ganks and danks”, which post-tour-depression. His band he defines as cop–inflicted and or skateboard- JS.T.R.E.E.T.S just spent two months on the ing injuries. “But I just can’t eat garbage road in support of their debut skate punk/metal because I wreck my body enough with booze, album, Bobognargnar. smokes and other things.” “I’m in a pit of despair and sorrow,” One of the “things” he recently did to says the singer/guitarist. He’s hackin’ a butt on his vessel was ride the roof a friend’s car, his porch as he waits for the tofu steaks to mari- resulting in a monster scab over his right eye nade. “I got used to every day; getting up, get- and possibly a cracked rib. Even though his ting drunk and playing my guitar and now I mental and physical health weren’t up to par, he have to get a job.” still made kick-ass dinner. In fact, he scored a Despite his all-encompassing depres- perfect five out of five Nerve stars. Best mash- sion, he agrees to cook one of his favourite veg- ers I’ve ever had the pleasure to scarf down and etarian dishes, Tofu Steaks Gnargnar with his Farwell’s hospitality, humour and Pacific signature mashed potatoes. He used to be vegan Pilsner made the grits just that much better. (By but, trying to find cheeseless pizza slices at the way, if the Pacific Pilsner marketing depart- three in the morning proved to be too much of ment is reading this, S.T.R.E.E.T.S is looking a hassle. He says the mere fact that he cares for a new sponsor). My only criticism is he did- about what he puts in his cakehole is a surprise n’t know who Mike Reno is??? to some, considering his financial status. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a total fuckin’ skid,” admits the 31-year-old skater, Tofu Steaks Gnargnar DIRECTIONS Marinade: -Mix together first eight ingredients Soy sauce -Fork lots of holes in 1/2 inch thick tofu steaks and place in marinade (very Red wine (if your roommate was care- important so tofu is hydrated with mari- less enough to leave an open bottle lying nade and won’t burn) around) -Refrigerate for 6 hours (ideally), but Fresh lime juice you don’t have the foresight to plan 1/2 finely sliced bulb of garlic. your menu, just add sauce and cook) Cock sauce (Spiracha hot chili sauce) -Meanwhile cut potatoes small and put Olive oil in boiling water Worcestershire sauce (Safeway brand -Slice-up leek and mushrooms and coz it doesn’t have any sardines) sauté in olive oil, salt and garlic and Pacific Pilsner Pacific Pilsner. *All to taste -Strain cooked potatoes and mash in pot with sauté mixture and set aside -Crank heat and pour 1/3 of marinade and place steaks in mushroom/leek Potatos residue and cook for twenty minutes, 1 Dozen mushrooms adding portions of remaining marinade 6 potatoes periodically. 1 large leek -When steaks are crispy and brownish Olive oil black, serve with a side of potatoes 1/2 finely sliced bulb of garlic Soya Milk Total cost: 5$ (not including sauces) Butter Total prep time: 30 mins.