Walter White and the Seven Dwarfs

Methy, Scratchy, Twitchy, Toothy, Paranoidy, Schizy and Doc Go Hi-Ho-Heisenberg in Disney-Produced Spinoff

THISJUSTIN Enthusiastic Fresh- UNESCO Report Condemns Report: Americans Vanderbilt Campus Dining for men Pack Stands at “Starving” Students By: George Spelvin her own admission has never Not Getting Enough Starvation Sage prepared a meal herself. By: Dan King that we all need more.” Cross Country Meet A UNESCO delegation has “It’s horrifying what they’ve Sufficiency Savant Many Americans are By: James Sclafani to runners who were from, ac- released a sharply worded re- been through,” asserted Dr. shocked by the results of the Obscure Sports Observer cording to Jon, non-prestigious port condemning Vanderbilt Kwami Mulambe, South Afri- A new report shows that study. VIVA member Nicole colleges. No support was given Campus Dining for its treat- can health minister and lead Americans aren't getting near- Johnson says she tries “to make NASHVILLE, TN—Vander- to the Vanderbilt runners. ment of 18 members of the author of the report. “Their ly enough. The report, issued getting one or two per day just bilt cross country saw its larg- The group’s rowdy behav- EEE sorority, saying that they dining options are so limited. by US Surgeon General, Regi- part of my routine, I don't re- est crowd ever this past Sat- ior throughout the meet has have been “literally starved” The Pub is completely unfea- na Benjamin, looked in depth ally think about it any more. I urday at the first invitational caused members of the cross- while waiting in line during sible. Pi? Out of the question. at the amount people are guess I don't get what people of the season. The crowd was country team to reconsider Tortellini Tuesday. And they’re being mercilessly getting and found America's are doing that they can't get composed solely of a group of their complaints about a lack of The 32-page report re- outcompeted for line positions numbers woefully lacking. enough per week.” freshmen looking for some ex- fans. In fact, the team has taken counts the women’s plight, at Leaf. It’s a human rights vio- Most scientists agree that Some, however, say they citement to start off their week- a 180-degree switch on their describing in gut-wrenching lation, absolutely.” the average adult needs some- don't take the news report to end. The group of four met on stance on fans. Attendance at detail how they were forced to Vanderbilt’s Zeppos regime where between 12 and 18 per heart. A&S sophomore Katie Saturday in Chad Rezafin’s Vanderbilt cross country meets wait between “like, an hour” to has countered the report’s week, and at least one per Nailer says, “They don't know room, where they took shots is now strictly invite-only. “practically forever” to receive findings, claiming that, in fact, day. Most Americans, though, how much we need. I get one of Svedka in preparation for Dave Francis, coach of the their plates of pasta. the current dining system is seem to only get about seven or two per month and I'm per- the event. Rezafin said of the women’s cross country team, The report quotes junior humane. In a tersely worded per week, with 10% of Ameri- fectly healthy. Things like this morning, “once I took out my was adamant in his new policy Mackenzie Gibbons as saying: statement delivered over state cans reporting getting fewer are just silly, everyone needs ‘take me drunk I’m home’ shot of not allowing fans to attend “I mean, you’d think they’d, VTV, Vice Chancellor of Pub- than three per week. different amounts.” glass I knew we would have a meets. “When our girls were like, hand out breadsticks or lic Affairs Beth Fortune de- Surgeon General Benjamin The report concludes with good time”. Rezafin’s neighbor- running, some of those jerks something.” cried the UNESCO report as says, “We need to improve some concrete recommenda- ing floor mate Ryan comment- held up signs that showed the In the report, the victims “an imperialistic conspiracy these numbers fast. Americans tions for people looking to get ed, “Why were they all up at Nike symbol… underneath was decry their experience as “a designed to destabilize order simply aren't getting enough. more every day. The Surgeon 8:30 on a Saturday morning?” the slogan, ‘just do me’”. The fucking crime,” with many and our community values.” The more we get, the happier General recommends setting The group arrived at Percy group was unapologetic for echoing the claim that “it can’t “Also, you can’t do the ex- and healthier we will all be. one out at night so you can Warner Park at 9:00 a.m., un- their behavior, and expressed take that long to make a help- press tortellini? Chef James? Right now, though, we're in have it in the morning right aware that they would have to interest in returning to meets ing of fucking tortellini!” Hell, even that new Bamboo trouble.” when you wake up. They also wait for all the schools to ar- in the future. “I don’t think their “I don’t pay sixty thousand Bistro place?” Benjamin stopped short of encourage employers to al- rive and warm up. As the races new fan policy is going to af- dollars a year for this kind of At press, members of the explicitly stating why people low their employees ample got underway, the freshmen fect us”, said Chad. “Whether bullshit,” an anonymous victim group, still waiting for their aren't getting enough, though break time to have one or two became increasingly disrup- it’s parties, family reunions, or reportedly whispered as she tortellini, are using their she did offer a few specula- throughout the day. tive. Every runner that passed whatever- not being invited fluttered on the edge of con- $200 smartphones to pro- tions. She says, “Maybe peo- them in red and blue was has never stopped me before”. sciousness. vide momentary distractions ple feel like they don't have greeted with the chant of “Fuck “Even I could make it faster from the constant hunger enough time or that they don't Ole Miss”. Jon Bloom shouted than they do,” affirmed senior pangs. enjoy it... but I'm telling you “You’ll work for me one day!” Aubrey Woodward, who by

INSIDETHISISSUE

Fry Cook 2

Sandwich Artisan 3

Cashier 4-5 Shift Manager 6 Branch Manager 7 4 6 City’s Residents Unsure If Nation’s Babies: “Objects Still Exist Even Owner 8 Parade or Funeral Procession When You Can’t See Them” 2 #SHITPOLITICIANSSAY 3 The Slant - www.theslant.net -October 2, 2013 The Slant - www.theslant.net -October 2, 2013 FROM THE EDITOR Fucked Image Actually Inside This Issue I have had a TV in my dorm since I was National News: ...... 2 a freshman, and since my sophomore year I have prided myself on Appetizers, Race, and The Middle East: ...... 3 having one of the biggest CRT televisions (the old, boxy ones) A Bunch More Articles: ...... 4 on campus. For the past two years I’ve Food Pyramid: ...... 5 PETER LINCK lugged my family’s old 27” Sylvania television from St. Louis Around The Loop: Government Shutdown...... 6 to Nashville, but at the end of last year the TV slowly began to die. This year I replaced it with Music Section: ...... 7 a Memorex TV I found at Goodwill on move-in This is not a joke. This actually weekend. Why these old televisions? Well, I’m happened. a cheapskate and I don’t feel like spending hun- Top Ten: Community Service...... 8 dreds of dollars on a flat screen. Plus you can channel surf much faster with old TVs, and you never get that nauseating motion blur effect. Coming from a long line of heavy TV-watch- ers, I was very excited when I heard that, with Destitute Detroit Residents Fail to Notice the approval our student government, the university was spending some $250,000 over the summer to install HD cable feeds in our dorms. City-Wide Power Outage I knew my old-school TV wouldn’t see a differ- By: Danny McClanahan ence in picture quality, but I was at least excited The power grid was put under heavy stress after the canine for the prospect of new channels. I dreamed of Destitution Debutante attack, so residents were urged to ease up on electricity usage. being able to get channels like IFC, Turner Clas- Detroit Chief Compliance Officer Gary Brown shut off power Brown states that the residents “weren’t responding as fast as we sic Movies, or even perhaps Boomerang in my to several buildings in downtown Detroit on September 11th, a would like them to, so we had to send them a strong message by very own room. maneuver which went completely unnoticed by most residents of turning the power off.” However, John Banks, a spokesperson for The change to HD TV in my dorm has been downtown Detroit, as they are homeless and have never encoun- Old Glory Electric, disagreed with this analysis. “Whatever mes- even better than expected. I was pleasantly tered electricity before. sage he was trying to send was completely lost in translation, since surprised when I noticed an improved picture Detroit PD explains that the power grid underwent crucial in- the general population of Detroit is completely illiterate and have quality even on my old TV. The white and grey frastructure repair two weeks ago when a pair of wild dogs tore never received proper schooling. The power play seems to have speckles of the static are crisper and clearer into cables at the abandoned power plant. An emergency re- gone unnoticed by the majority of Detroit residents, whose only than I remember. It’s like I’m watching a real sponder explains: “The dogs were electrocuted instantly. They escape from the sweltering heat is constructing capes made of life blank VHS tape. I don’t remember exactly might have had a chance to survive, too, if a horde of hobos hadn’t coffee cup sleeves and used motor oil. how many channels we used to get, but these immediately ravaged the bodies to use as fuel.” As a result of the power outage, upper-class Detroit residents days I’m getting channels I’ve never even seen have exited their homes in search of water and air conditioning, before like 3, 4, 22, and 71. All of them show the many for the very first time since entering their homes. “There same intriguing documentary on snowstorms. was never a reason to leave before,” attests Princeton economist The sound quality is superb as well, and the soft, George Thompson, who has walked on Detroit’s streets for the fuzzy hum makes these blizzards really come to first time, despite living there for 10 years. ”This place is actu- life. ally awful. Wow,” he remarks as he tosses an unopened box of I even bought a Blue-Ray player so I could Twinkies into a writhing mass of homeless people. “I came here watch HD movies on my super special awesome because I thought it’d be a wonderful opportunity to observe class antiquated television. It uses some sort of new- inequality at its very core. Well, I’ve done that now, and it turns fangled HDMI cable that didn’t seem to want to out being poor really sucks.” plug into my television, but I forced it in anyway. Thompson continued: “It’s not all bad, though. Without power, Now my television gets hot really quickly and a new luxury commodities market in fruits and fresh meat has sometimes even smokes, letting off a delicious arisen. I’m making a killing in my refrigerated-food hedge fund aroma of melting plastic and a small electrical right now.” The Slant noticed Thompson’s tribal headdress, and fire. Technology is changing faster and faster, asked about its origin. Thompson explained “Yeah, they revere and I’m so grateful that everyone is sympathetic me as a god since I have access to clean water and air condition- to those who’d rather not keep up with the times. Detroit residents living downtown ing. I feel really in touch with my tribal roots.” At press time, a group of Detroit residents were tying up Chief Compliance Officer Gary Brown to be thrown into a large indus- MASTHEAD trial fire as a sacrifice in Thompson’s name.

Blanketing the Homeless. . . since 1886. 7-Year Old Thinks White

188 Sarratt Student Center 2301 Vanderbilt Place VU# 351504 Station B President Is Next Step Nashville, TN 37235 By: David Johnson Phone (615) 322-2424 Daniels didn’t stop there. He would go on to say, “I am a United Fax (615) 322-3762 Child Politics Specialist Statesian just like everyone else and if I want to be president then I Website www.theslant.net should have that right because we are America and we have rights STAFF Jonathan Daniels, a 1st grader at local Eakin Elementary School, and we are America.” Apparently it does not even have to be a Editor-in-Chief Peter Linck recently came out and said that this country will not be able to white president, specifically, but really anything other than black. Managing Editor Michael Hogue Copy Editor Sophie To move forward until a white man occupies the White House. This “My neighbor was born in Tennessee and she is Spanish and if Meredith Mattlin stance caused controversy not just in the Nashville area, but she wants to be president then I Lots of others across the nation, as the subject of President Obama’s race and will vote for her,” Daniels shout- Designers Eh, everyone helped religious affiliation has yet to be publicly addressed by Daniels’ ed in a fiery tirade. He seems Foreign Correspondent Edward Snowden demographic. to think that until a non-black Contributing Staff Jason Arias Collier Bowling “Well one day Mrs. Yearly told us to draw a picture of the White president resides in the White Nate Braman House. We all did. In everyone’s picture there was a black man out House, this nation of ours will Kelley Hines front. I thought to myself, “I am not black. My mommy and daddy continued to be a divided place, Justin Humphrey are not black. Why is our president so black?” Daniels said in a a place of division and discor- David Johnson statement to the media. dance. Lucia Lee Sam Mallick The Slant requested the pictures made by all of Daniels’ class- Daniels concluded with, “I Julia Ordog mates and, indeed, all of them were pictures of poorly drawn had a dream. I had a dream that Sophie To houses with some combination of black family members out front. in the tan hills of the sandbox, Sarah Vollman The 1st grade teacher, Mrs. Yearly, only commented, “I was simply sons of dads and sons of former Elizabeth Wheelock surprised that these 6- and 7-year olds captured the essence of dads sat together at a table made Sam Wild neoclassical and Palladin architecture. I didn’t give any thought of sand. That is all.” Michael Woods An artist’s rendition of Jonathan’s Sam Ottenberg as to the race of the people they were drawing.” When prompted Dante Thomas further, she would merely add, “I don’t see color.” progressive ideas. Christopher Xin James Cross Danny McClanahan Dan King Michael Greshko Almaz Mesghina Bastard Confession Kevin Cyr Douglas Lee Max Herz Laura Mast Katherine Klockenkemper Nick Sparkman Bryson Howard Kayley Romick Mary Beth Schatzman POLICIES Back Issues Back Issues can be ordered by sending $5.00 and a description of the issue de- “I actually have a brain inju- sired (volume number and date, if possible) to the address above. Some issues are no longer available. For a back issue please e-mail [email protected]. ry to my frontal lobe, result- Subscriptions Mail subscriptions available. $30.00/year or $20.00/semester. E-mail subscribe@ theslant.net. Postmaster please send address changes to 2301 Vanderbilt Place, ing in an inability to switch VU# 351504, Nashville, TN 37235-1669. PHOTO CREDIT t a s k s .” All photographs were provided by McClatchy-Tribune and Wikimedia Commons DISCLAIMERS This publication is a work of humor, parody and satire. None of the subjects or writers are intended to represent real people, unless those people are public figures. You must be over 18 --Ted Cruz to read The Slant. This publication and the content thereof does not always reflect the opinions of Vanderbilt Student Communications, Inc. All stories and images are the properties of their respec- tive owners. Each member of the Vanderbilt community is entitled to one copy of this publication; additional copies are five dollars each. If The Slant offends you, do not read it. Support our advertisers.

Copyright © 2013, The Slant. All rights reserved IN VANUM LABORAT QUI OMNIBUS PLACERE CONTENDIT 2 “TRUECRIME” 3 The Slant - www.theslant.net -October 2, 2013 The Slant - www.theslant.net -October 2, 2013 White Scientists Hypothesize Local Woman Nearly Dies In Possible American/African Blooming Onion Incident By: Chris Xin Hybrid Man Steakhouse Septuagenarian By: Dan King nated or how he spread across the globe. A A Davidson county woman nearly died in the neighborhood and found the onion on top Anthropromorphic Adjunct land bridge may have existed, but it also may Wednesday after a choking incident involving a of Vasquez. The onion, upon seeing Arthur, got have been simply a strong current through blooming onion, authorities say. to his feet and began running west on Ridgefield A group of white scientists has issued a the ocean carrying ancient sailors across the Melena Vasquez, 28, was leaving her Belle Way as Arthur called for medical assistance. new report hypothesizing a possible Ameri- globe. It’s also possible this all happened back Meade apartment in Nashville for her morning “The onion was fast. I couldn’t pursue him,” can/African hybrid man. when earth was still one big landmass.” commute sometime around 8:15 am according Arthur said. “I saw [Vasquez] on the ground and The report, which came from a research Lead researcher Dr. Mikhail Flynn was to Davidson county sheriff Lionel B. Arthur. knew she needed help soon, so I couldn’t catch group from the University of Tennessee, eager to talk about the many new questions “As she walked up to her car, Vasquez reached the onion. I called for medical assistance before I examined commonalities between certain raised by the American/African Hybrid Man. into her purse for her keys,” Arthur said. “That’s called for police backup.” Black Americans and native born African Dr. Flynn: “For example, right now we’re not when the blooming onion approached her.” Vasquez was taken to Vanderbilt Medical people. The report found several startling sure if the American/African Hybrid Man The onion, best known as an appetizer at Center and was treated for airway collapse and connections between the two groups, leading originated in Africa and came to North some restaurants, was internal bleeding. She is researchers to theorize a possible common America, or if he came from America to Af- reportedly intoxicated expected to make a full re- ancestor some time in the past. The study rica. The fossil record is woefully lacking on the night before the covery. shows that at some point this subject.” incident and was char- The onion was appre- in the past this common Lots of everyday acterized by witnesses hended around 8:31 a.m. ancestor would have people have been sur- at the scene as “agitat- by Davidson county sher- lived either in Africa or prised and intrigued ed.” According to wit- iffs after a brief struggle in North America and by this new research. nesses, the onion ap- that ended in the onion be- that somehow his prog- Vanderbilt Sopho- proached Vasquez by ing subdued by a taser. He eny managed to spread more Blake Patterson her car and demanded was taken to the Davidson across the globe, though says he’s “Really go- her purse. County Sheriff’s Office, researchers stress that ing to start looking “It was very scary,” where he was detained. The they have no idea how at Black people dif- Vasquez said. “I didn’t onion is being charged with these people came to in- ferently. I mean, now know who he was, An artist’s rendition of the suspect. assault in the first degree habit such a wide area. that someone’s point- and he was slurring his and resisting arrest. The new report fo- ed out the connec- speech so I couldn’t tell The onion, 19, is a student at cuses on building a tion to me I see it but what he wanted from me. I could tell he was up- Vassar College. According to Arthur, he was vis- concrete picture of before now I never set, and immediately I knew I was in danger.” iting his sister at Vanderbilt University when he this common ancestor, would have guessed When confronted, Vasquez refused to let go inexplicably became “upset” and fled campus to which scientists refer to an American/African of her purse. Shortly after she told the onion to obtain alcohol. as the “American/Afri- Hybrid Man might leave her alone, the onion punched her in the When reached, the onion’s family refused can Hybrid Man.” exist.” stomach repeatedly until she fell to the ground. questioning. Dr. Frank McKaskill Local bartender He then turned her onto her back and began to “We are devastated by our son’s actions, and is an anthropologist Sketch-artists rendition of this hypo- Mike Dougherty says choke her. we give our condolences to all that were af- who contributed to the thetical “Hybrid Man” he’s “Always wondered if “At this point, I felt like there was nothing I fected,” the onion’s mother, Melissa Onion, said. research. Dr. McKaskill there might be some con- could do,” Vasquez said. “I could feel myself “However, this has been a difficult time for us, indicated the study has not been able to nection here. Now the only question is how blacking out. I thought I was going to die.” and we ask for privacy during this time.” determine how exactly the American/Afri- on earth the American/African Hybrid Man Arthur arrived at the scene after receiving sev- The onion is being held on a $25,000 bail. A can Hybrid Man could have inhabited both spread so far across the globe. I mean, now eral calls from witnesses reporting a disturbance trial date has not yet been announced. North America and Africa at once. I know you can just fly or take a boat to get Says Dr. McKaskill “Right now our best from Africa to here, but how did these an- guess is that there used to be some sort of cient people manage to do it? That’s what I land bridge connecting America and Africa. want to know.” Viva la El Cid ! We think such a bridge may have stretched The Slant also talked to another sopho- directly from the African heartland to the more, Tyrone Washington, who told us to The Slant Endorses Rodrigo Díaz center of most cities in North America.” “Fuck off,” when we asked him about the Others on the study were quick to point out American/African Hybrid Man. de Vivar for Outstanding Señor that this land bridge idea is simply the most The UT report comes on the heels of an- popular theory right now, and may not be other research report issued last week by Fisk definitively true. Dr. Louise Howell told The University scientists hypothesizing a possible Slant “Our data has confirmed a connection link between white Americans and “those here, but we don’t have any real idea where creepy Scandinavians who all look alike.” the American/African Hybrid Man origi-

Kansas Town Left Reeling in Wake of Mass Resurrection By: Kayley Romick ly inhumane. Whoever did this must face Resurrection Ruiner punishment.” Police investigations commenced within HOLCOMB, KANSAS—Tragedy struck hours of the incident. No suspects have Tuesday when one hundred people were been apprehended, though allegations in- brought back to life in small town Kansas. clude The Walking Dead producer Robert Among the living included the Clutter Kirkman, Mary Shelley and the Messiah. family, brutally murdered in their home Kirkman went on record saying, “It is ri- by Richard Hickock and Perry Smith in diculous to think I would go through all the 1959. Their story was documented by trouble to have real undead people in Sea- Truman Capote in his 1966 book In Cold son 4. It is much more affordable to hire Middle East Denies Allegations Blood. Though make-up art- the commu- i s t s .” nity welcomed Mary Shelley of “Turmoil” them back into and the Mes- By: Michael Hogue However, Syria submitted the following statement existence, the siah refused to Turmoil Technocrat to The Slant: “There has never been a better time in process of res- comment. history to be a Syrian. We definitely feel like we’re urrection took Hollywood TEHRAN (AP)- The countries of the world’s hitting our stride as a sovereign nation. Other than a huge psycho- director Trudy Middle East region stated in a press conference this some positive developments, there is nothing of in- logical toll on Coyote arrived Wednesday that they are in no way, shape or form terest going on here.” the victims. and began in- experiencing anything that could remotely be labeled Syria went on to ask The Slant to “define ‘massa- “All I can re- terviewing as “turmoil,” “conflict,” or “unrest.” cre’” while pantomiming quotation marks with their member is that witnesses and Recent reports from world news sources such as fingers. awful night—I victims. At CNN, Al-Jazeera and The Associated Press have ac- Similarly, in the face of allegations of engaging in have terrible a press con- cused Israel and Palestine of “being in an ongoing and “car bombings and other acts of sectarian violence dreams,” Nancy ference, she hostile conflict,” “rioting,” and “[clashing] violently.” between the Shiite government and their dissatisfied Clutter said. revealed her However, Israel told The Slant that this “is totally not Sunni constituents,” Iraq told The Slant “I’m having “Also, every- intentions to Undead residents of a small, Midwestern town. the case” and that “Things are…unremarkable with the time of my life. Things are really going well here. one keeps pointing film an exposé en- Palestine.” Other than that, I don’t have much to tell you.” their black boxes at titled “With Warm Palestine echoed a similar sentiment, saying “Isra- When asked for a final comment, the Middle East me speaking of a book of faces!” Blood.” el? Yeah, we go way back. Nothing significant is going said only: “Peace in the Middle East. That’s our thing. Other community members struggled “It is important for the public to know the on at the Gaza Strip right now. Everyone is just mind- That’s what we’re all about.” with the rebirth of former relatives. truth about this horrendous event,” Coyote ing their own business.” “I’m fucking pissed that my alcoholic fa- said. Despite adamant allegations from the global news ther came back to life,” local Leroy Pippins Communal healing groups and technol- media of building a nuclear weapons program that III said. “I already killed him once! Now ogy classes will be held Saturday at Town “holds sinister and potentially disastrous implications he’s beating me again.” Hall. for international security relations,” Iran maintains First responders included paramedics “Now that we are impelled to remember that “There’s nothing to see here. There’s no reason who saved the lives of newly-resurrected our past,” Mayor Gary Newman, Jr. said. to be suspicious of us. Please respect our privacy.” people requiring immediate hospitaliza- “We must force them to conform to our Furthermore, international news outlets such as tion. Car crash victims and cancer patients modern society.” The New York Times and MSNBC have publicly ac- writhed as they experienced a second de- This is the largest recorded resurrection cused Syria of engaging in a “devastating and bloody mise. in United States history. civil war” that has culminated in the loss of over “I can’t believe these patients must suffer 100,000 human lives over the span of 29 months, two painful deaths,” St. Catherine Hospital’s some due to the “tragic use of chemical weapons.” “Turmoil? I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Dr. Emerson McCullen said. “It is absolute- 4 GOINTOTHECHAPEL The Slant - www.theslant.net -October 2, 2013 Vanderbilt Begins Offer- Freshman Impressed With ing M.R. Degree Frat Party at Castle

By: Collier Bowling their lack of a green card. By: Julia Ordog As the night continued and Smith became Nuptual Nihilist “We feel that the mail order brides Greek Girl more inebriated, he opened up to the broth- internship will be essential to the M.R. ers. “I felt like they really got me,” he said. “I In response to popular demand from degree,” Chancellor Zeppos said. “It will Tom Smith, freshman and aspiring frater- told them my darkest secrets and they never housewives and disgruntled husbands, provide students in the program the nity gentleman, went around to multiple fra- interrupted.” Vanderbilt University has decided to chance to experience marriage. Fur- ternity parties this past Friday, but was “blown Smith stayed at the castle until 3 AM, at offer an M.R. degree to all male stu- thermore we think that the internship away” by his experience at SAE’s castle. which point he was removed by VUPD for dents. offers important perks, such as a guar- “I’m pretty sure I went everywhere that breaking and entering, and underage intoxica- Addressing�� the skills critical to be- antee of no alimony and never having night…you know, gotta play the field, keep tion. “Overall I’d say it went pretty well. I only ing an effective trophy husband, the to meet your mother-in-law.” them thinking that I’m interested. It’s all about left because the cops kicked me out for being degree will prepare students on how to �J��ack Dushe, current Vanderbilt stu- the poker face. But the castle had me from the rowdiest one there. That’s cool though, be the model husbands of the future. dent, explains why he is excited about the start,” said Smith who recalled being quite right? I can’t wait for their next rush event.” The degree contains courses that cover the M.R. degree. impressed with the effort that the fraternity skills that are fundamental to marriage, “I’ve already nailed the being ridicu- put into the party’s decorations. “The place such as HSB 101 that teaches how to lously jacked and really good looking was totally empty. There was no furniture, no effectively take out the trash, to finely requirements for being a trophy hus- lights, no people, the ceiling was falling in…It detailed ones, such as HSB 265 that band,” Dushe said. “My only problem is looked, like…condemned.” teaches husbands how to effectively that I don’t know how I would make my Smith said he knew from the start that the pretend to listen to their wife’s conver- wife make me sandwiches daily. I plan appearance of the castle was a hoax, a test, sations while watching their favorite on figuring out how.” more specifically, for freshmen like himself, sports team. Students have also been quick to and that the brothers were watching, probably Students will even have the ability to praise the other career fields besides “from the back window or something.” “I knew specialize in a certain area of husband- trophy husbandry that the degree pre- what they were playing at right away. They ry. Specializations that will be offered pares students for. were weeding out the cool from the uncouth. include husbandry for southern gentle- “I realize I am not a very attrac- I’m pretty sure I killed it.” Smith, who had man, trailer trash, or even deadbeat tive person, so I don’t think I have the gone with his sidekick and best friend, a flask dads. best marriage prospects,” Vanderbilt of Taaka vodka, entered the house through the Isaiah Mustafa, current model for freshman Mike Majic said. “However, window, demonstrating how “astute and phys- Old Spice and planned professor for the degree offers courses such as Pole ically fit I am”. At 5’6”, 150 pounds, Smith man- the degree, describes the course that he Dancing 101 that I know will give me aged to pry off one of the sheets of plywood plans on teaching for the major. options.” covering the window in a mere half an hour. “Sadly you are not like me. But with The M.R. degree will be open to stu- Smith reported feeling pretty good about my course, you can potentially be like dents beginning in Spring 2014. himself once he had gotten inside. “I knew the me and begin to learn about the thing brothers were watching from some invisible that she loves.” post, and I knew they would be impressed by Isaiah refuses to go into more detail me passing the first part of their test.” Smith about who “she” is or what is “the thing reported then telling a few knock-knock, and that she loves,” but he insists that he blonde jokes to his unseen audience so that The SAE castle the night of Smith’s adven- will explain these details in his class. the brothers knew he was funny. “I also told ture. Vanderbilt also plans on requiring them about the time I went hunting with my students in the degree to complete an dad this summer. We were going after rabbits. internship. For the internship students I didn’t ever actually get one but I told them will be able to select from a variety of about how I almost had one so I think they mail order brides and then will hus- Male students are looking forward to fi- were probably impressed. Who doesn’t love band them for a period of two years nally getting value for their money. smoked meat?” before the University reports them for

Five servings of Korn per day is ideal, but you can get by with just three.

Vanderbilt Medical Center Opens Diabetes Clinic Inside Cheesecake Factory By: Chelsea Velaga been great for business and increasing access for patients, since those Obesity Observer suffering from weight-related conditions are usually meandering near- On Tuesday, Vanderbilt Medical Center held the grand opening of a by the Cheesecake Factory anyway. The only real drawback is the dim multi-million dollar diabetes clinic, conveniently located inside a local lighting in here; I accidentally gave a kid her mom’s insulin shot, but the Cheesecake Factory. This move saves patients not only time, but also need- Cheesecake Factory gave them a couple giftcards as compensation.” less exercise. Those with diabetes will no longer have to walk to their cars Area patient, ‘Bubba’, slumped over a nearby booth, offered this re- from the Cheesecake Factory to drive to the medical center, as all of their sponse: “Those sweet potato fries are really something. I didn’t think I diabetes-related needs will be met adjacent to the cheesecakes and fried could eat any more, but since I’ve been waiting to see my physician for macaroni balls they so frequently consume. over thirty minutes, I ordered a couple more things off the menu. My Customers unknowingly developing type-II diabetes will also be pleased wife makes me check in with my doctor a couple times a week, which by the move, as they can maintain their current cheesecake-related feed- is about how regularly I come here, so…” Unfortunately, Bubba quickly ing patterns and eventually receive top-tier medical care, provided by the slipped into a food-related coma after giving us this initial statement, and industries’ leaders. was quickly attended to by Vanderbilt’s premiere endocrinology team. Praise for the new facility has been pouring in, as customers are finally The new location has generated an enormous amount of revenue for able to enjoy thick slices of cake and pasta dinners right before getting their both Vanderbilt and the Cheesecake Factory, as patients are both gravely Insulin may be ordered insulin shots. The staff of the Cheesecake Factory is also benefitting from ill, yet understandably loyal patrons of the restaurant. After the success of a la carte. the move, as they too can receive blood-pressure readings and weight-re- this collaboration, the medical center is planning to open a heart disease lated lectures from their doctors between shifts. research center inside a nearby IHOP. When asked what he thought about the move, one endocrinologist, Dr. James Sharpe, replied between bites of chicken tortellini, “This move has

NSA Caught Spying on Obama’s In-Laws

By: Sam Ottenberg into laughter, “Ah, I’m just screwing with you, I can’t say I’m too sorry about what happened.” Dog-House Dweller Following the discovery of the National Security Agen- Following this release, Mrs. Robinson responded, “I am thoroughly disappointed in Barak’s cy’s surveillance on her residence, Marian Robinson, actions. I always knew that Michelle mother of First Lady Michelle Obama, has refused to con- could do better.” tinue her regular visits. She stated, “The lack of trust and respect that actions like this reveal The Slant’s White House inside will not go unpunished.” source reported that the White House From her residence in the White House in-law suite, Mrs. Robinson issued a statement, “I staff is preparing its domestic conflict became suspicious when the big men in suits stopped introducing themselves as secret service support program which consists of agents. They actually ignored me completely as I questioned them while an agent set up a making up the couch in the oval office wiretap on my phone” explained Mrs. Robinson. “The man following me around staring at me and moving all of the objects that could through binoculars was also a dead give away.” easily double as projectiles into storage. When General Alexander, head of the NSA, was interviewed about the incident he responded, “The orders came straight from the top. Mr. Obama was aware of imminent consequences of such obvious actions but he was adamant in the full implementation of his plan.” Slant reporters sought after First Lady Michelle Obama with questions. She coldly replied, “My husband and I will be having a little talk later.” She declined to comment further. Pictured above: NSA agents (hidden). The president himself was found to be enjoying a few celebratory beers with his pick-up basketball team. Our grinning Commander and Chief claimed, “I am personally embarrassed by the agency’s lack of effectiveness.” However, directly following this claim the president broke AUDIOEATS 5 The Slant - www.theslant.net -October 2, 2013 The Slant's Pyramidal guide to music but also food

-Sugar Ray -The Spice Girls -Cake -Eminem -Alabama Shakes

Intake of Sugar Ray and other sweet and Meat Loaf, along with other poultry oily groups should really be kept to a and meat groups, is a great source minimum. of protein and vitamin B12. -Neutral Milk -Meat Loaf Hotel -T-Bone Burnett -Vanilla Ice -Pussy Riot -Cream -Phish

Five servings of Korn per day is ideal, but you can get by with just three.

-The Cranberries Chuck Berry and other fruit groups -Korn -Smashing Pumpkins are imperative for a healthy diet. -Red Hot Chili Peppers -Fiona Apple -Black Eyed Peas -Blind Melon -Chuck Berry

-Limp Bizkit -Amy Winehouse -Iron and Wine -Spoon -Ice T -Vitamin C -Salt ‘N’ Peppa -Uncle Cracker -Bowling for Soup -Sam Cooke

Don’t foget to get six to eleven servings of Iron and Wine everyday.

Bamboo Bistro Owner Refuses to Serve Water to Achieve True ‘Nam Experience By: Sarah Vollman Nashville TN- Under the instruction of its owner, Viet- we were sleeping in mud. But Sam never got that Cullinary Correspondent nam veteran Lt. Johnny, Vanderbilt’s new Vietnamese res- cup of water, did he? Oh no. Ha!” Vanderbilt claims taurant Bamboo Bistro does not serve water. Lt. Johnny said that Lt. Johnny’s mild case of Post Traumatic Stress of the decision: “Back in ‘Nam, we didn’t get fresh water when we were dodgin’ bullets!” Disorder only adds to the Bamboo experience. Vanderbilt’s initiative to display a diverse array of cultural food selections began with the The Lt. can often be spotted in a ratty camo shirt Rand lunch paper station’s famous Chinese fried rice with squash, Tex-Mex squash and beans, and an American flag bandana stumbling around and French-fried squash. campus shouting phrases at students like, “I didn’t Building on its success, the university created Bamboo Bistro, committing to represent Viet- get to Twitter my Snapchat in ‘Nam!” The Slant namese culture completely. The Cultural Food Committee happened to see Lt. Johnny having managed to sit down with the Lieutenant while a pretend sword fight with a tree outside during the meeting, and everything began to fall into he was having a staring contest with a squirrel place. outside Alumni Hall. When questioned about his Students avoid trip-wires and landmines in When Vanderbilt decided to open the new restaurant in Alumni Hall, they wanted to “do it inspiration for the menu, the Lieutenant declared the newly-renovated Alumni Hall. right,” claims Director of Dining Camp Howard. Lt. Johnny’s Bamboo Bistro maintains the “ex- that although the water wasn’t clean in Vietnam, ceptional level of authenticity the school demands”, serving traditional Vietnamese pho, bahn the mango tea was “damn good”. He also shared mi sandwiches, salad, and tea. that he prefers mint over cilantro in his pho. When student Laura Smith asked for water with her pho on Tuesday, Lt. Johnny retorted while constantly looking over his shoulder, “Sam wanted a cup of water too once – that night 6 SHOTINTHEARM 7 The Slant - www.theslant.net -October 2, 2013 The Slant - www.theslant.net -October 2, 2013 Vandy Midgets Delight Over Sophomore Girl Asked For Unreasonably Short Chairs “Digits,” Presents Her By: Almaz Mesghina Petite Promoter Dismembered Fingers Last week, Vanderbilt midgets delighted as By: Nick Sparkman The initial hysteria from the kitchen quickly Sarratt Student Center celebrated the imple- Finger Fanatic spread to the rest of the house. Howard didn’t see mentation of those really short red chairs in the reason to leave at first because he “didn’t know Last Drop Coffee Shop lounge. A panic erupted around 1:30 AM at a fra- what all those bitches were screaming about,” While all students have praised the inclusion ternity party held last Friday at the Sigma Chi but Amis soon thereafter approached him. of the “uncomfortable,” “unbearable,” and “unde- house in response to one Sarah Amis’s detach- “She was stumbling a lot and stuff, and she was sirable” seats, no one has appreciated them more ing her own fingers. Multiple eyewitness reports just like, ‘Is this what you wanted?’ and then she than the Students Hating Obstacles Related to indicate that Amis, who was highly intoxicated, just started laughing a lot.” Alana Pittman, close Tallness, or S.H.O.R.T., a student-led organi- “Chairs should only be this high, at most.” was seen carrying her fingers around on a paper friend of Amis, said that “Sarah normally has zation dedicated to “protecting the rights and plate. problems when she drinks, but I never thought heights of the Vanderbilt midget population.” while also allowing for adequate lumbar sup- Police interviews conducted after the inci- anything would top the time she tried to make After having undergone nearly two centuries port and ensuring that the occupant’s feet will, dent revealed Amis’s motives to be romantic in out with her dad.” of limitations on and around campus, Vander- in fact, touch the floor. nature. Junior Sigma Chi member Zack How- Howard and many others quickly contacted bilt midgets and S.H.O.R.T. members have re- “It’s top-of-the-line sedentary engineering, ard says that he and Amis had been “hitting it authorities, and Amis was rushed to the Vander- joiced in the obvious win for their side. “We’ve and it’s all for us,” brags Pequeno. off” during the course of the evening, and when bilt Medical Center, where doctors worked to been physically overcoming obstacles since the Meanwhile, the Office of Undergraduate Ad- Howard requested her “digits,” that’s when the reattach her fingers. The Psychological Counsel- day this university was founded; it’s about time missions has recognized the significance of young woman headed off to the kitchen. ing Center continues to offer its resources to all we got some recognition for our concerns,” says Vanderbilt’s progressive seating. Amis operated alone in amputating the fin- witnesses of the incident (appointments can be S.H.O.R.T. president Melissa Pequeno, who is “We’re definitely going to start highlighting gers on her left hand but encountered trouble made by calling (615) 322-2571). tired of stepping on her tippy toes to reach the these chairs on our tours – probably make a when it came time to remove her remaining fin- frozen yogurt toppings. whole new stop out of it,” says Amanda Biggs, gers. Though she made what was described as a “Midgets need a location to conduct infor- a senior tour guide and S.H.O.R.T. representa- “good-faith” effort to complete the job by herself mal business meetings too,” adds frequent Last tive who has constantly watched the under-4’10” by operating a meat cleaver with her mouth, she Drop visitor, but infrequent sitter-downer, Paul community scoff at Vanderbilt’s inconsideration. eventually turned to her fellow partygoers, in- Smalls. After realizing the sudden, positive boost to cluding Ella Jennings, for assistance. “Where else will I casually sit and drink my its recently charred image, Vanderbilt has made Police found Jennings frazzled and trembling mocha frap while pretending to preoccupy my- plans to replace all chairs on campus with the following the ordeal, but were able to collect a self with something on my computer when in smaller, more vertically-friendly red models detailed account from her nonetheless. “She was fact I’m wholeheartedly regretting the unhealthy that resemble Last Drop’s chairs. By 2015, they just like, ‘Can you help me with something real purchase and reevaluating my life choices?” he hope to have also replaced all tables with simi- quick?’ and I was like, ‘Yeah, sure,’” Jennings al- continues. larly more ridiculous and shorter models just legedly said. “But then I realized that all her fin- Pictured is Amis’ old iPhone Last Drop’s red chairs are ergonomically de- because. gers were, like, chopped off and I totally freaked that she ironically traded in for signed to support the average nine-inch spine, out.” a 5s with a fingerprint scanner. Students Attend 96th Annual Flulapalooza Music Festival By: Debby Malaze Malady Monitor

This past Wednesday, Vanderbilt students flocked in droves to the 96th annual Flulapalooza Mu- sic Festival, where they were able to catch glimpses of influential players in the music business. One of several collectible buttons Headliners included Swine, a long time favorite, and Avian, a group that debuted in 1996 and that passed out at this year’s plans to make a comeback tour after this year’s Flulapalooza. The event, hosted by the Commons Flulapalooza festival. Directory Coordinators, or CDC, made sure to include lesser-known but equally talented bands in the festival this year. “I feel like some of these smaller bands are going to hit the scene in a big way,” festival coordina- tor Steve Bluffs said. “More than anything, the enthusiasm for music at Flulapalooza is known to be incredibly contagious, and it always comes back, so we would like that to work in favor of the up- and-comers we’ve featured.” Newcomers to the festival include the Guatemalan band Bat, a post-punk group with classical “Spanish was the headliner then, and Swine is the headliner now, and I really feel like that’s for a influences and well-known for its rousing nocturnes, and Canine, a small-label favorite with a loyal reason,” Berg stated early on Wednesday. “Swine’s breakout album in 2009, H1N1, was a really big following. Many speculators in the industry have suggested that the festival will help launch these hit, and it was definitely a carrier for the same style and themes of Spanish – traditional, all-encom- new bands and turn them into household names. passing, and just in general drop-dead gorgeous music.” “We’ve had a great deal of success spreading these bands in the past,” Emily Hart, public relations Berg, a self-proclaimed “musick” fan, was pleased with the presence of Flulapalooza in the Vander- representative for the festival, said. “In fact, that’s how our first festival really got its legs back in bilt environment. 1918, with the band Spanish. They really killed it back then. Everyone was into it, and everyone was “I’ve always loved these festivals – the Christian music festival, Egyptian Doors, was always one dying to hear them again and again.” of my favorites growing up, and of course I always loved when Sneezer came into town for Hooked Spanish disbanded back in the 1930s, but many, including Spanish enthusiast Charlotte Berg, on Bubonics. There was always this degree of infectious excitement in the air, and I’ve really missed contend that Swine has carried on the legacy they left behind. having that.” ¿ ? What are you going to do when the government shuts down?

John Boehner China Vanderbilt Student President Obama

Return to Hades from whence I Call in all the US’s debts. I have a chemistry test Thursday, and Fuck off. came. then a paper due Friday.

Bill Clinton American Citizen Investment Banker Thomas Jefferson

Probably get laid....interns with Continue to fight off untreated can- Snort some coke, make millions of Shit a brick. time on their hands- that’s kinda my cer until I can purchase health insur- dollars, choke a hooker. Same as wheelhouse. ance on the exchanges. usual. 6 HUNGRY,SICK,ANDTIRED 7 The Slant - www.theslant.net -October 2, 2013 The Slant - www.theslant.net -October 2, 2013 Student Health Discovers Freshman Walking from Mucinex is ‘Miracle Drug’ Commons to Main Campus By: Michael Greshko Drug Dude Experiences Jet Lag NASHVILLE, TN—Research led by investi- inflammation, boosted immune responses, and By: Sophie To gators from Vanderbilt’s Zerfoss Student Health accelerated repair of damaged tissues. “For a lot Weary Writer Center suggests that guaifenesin, commercially of these cases, though, the important thing is sold as the expectorant Mucinex, may be a “won- that we just prescribe it,” Campbell added. “Sim- Freshman Ben Kloch suffers from a rare klers. der drug” that can eliminate the symptoms or di- ply getting told that you should get Mucinex is condition called Acute Superjetlag Syndrome Kloch has tried to seek help for his ASS at the rectly cure nearly all diseases caused by bacterial often enough to begin the healing process.” (ASS). Though it has remained mostly dormant Student Health Center, but so far, he has missed and viral infections, autoimmune disorders, or Reckitt Benckiser, the cleaning supply, mus- throughout his life, ASS began to act up when all of his scheduled appointments by stopping environmental irritants. tard, skin care, medicine, and condom con- he came to Vanderbilt. for a quick nap on a nearby bench and then The study, appearing in the November issue glomerate that produces Mucinex, issued in a Students always wonder why the clocks on oversleeping. of The Lancet, further suggests that the drug, statement earlier today that “this study demon- Commons run two minutes ahead of those on Historically, there has been just one other advertised by anthropomorphic globs of mucus strates the truly remarkable potential that mod- main campus. Actually, this is because they are documented case of ASS: Jesus Christ, who in print and on television, could play a key role ern medicine and scientific inquiry holds for the in different time zones. For Kloch, this means allegedly said upon his ascension to heaven, in the future development of stable pluripotent future of man.” In a gesture of gratitude to the great difficulty adjusting as he walks from Com- “Dude, I can’t handle this. Let me just lie down stem cell lines, chemotherapeutic drugs, and Vanderbilt researchers, Reckitt Benckiser has mons to his classes every day. On days that he on a cloud or something.” Prior to that, he had next-generation prostheses. announced its intent to donate a ten-year supply can make it at all, he is so exhausted that he experienced an ASS attack after resurrection, Nurse practitioner Delilah Campbell, the of the medication to Zerfoss, in the hopes that it sleeps through most of them. falling asleep instantly because he was so unac- study’s lead author, began her work into the will expand its program of prescribing Mucinex “I’m thinking of switching to Peabody because customed to living-people time. In fact, he is amazing properties of the drug after prescribing to combat all ailments and maladies reported by then the majority of my classes will be in the thought to have nearly missed his Greyhound to it to a first-year student who shattered his left undergraduates. same time zone as Commons. ASS can really be heaven because of this power nap. Jesus Christ, fibula and jaw in a bicycle accident. “Back when an ass sometimes,” Kloch, currently a student in that was a close call. I started here, we’d just give it to people with al- the Engineering School, said. “But I’m glad my Regrettably, Kloch could not be questioned lergies or maybe the flu,” she said, “but slowly, friends here have all been so supportive.” further. (During his interview session, he ex- we began to realize just how powerful this medi- “I thought Big Ben was really cool at first be- cused himself to go to the bathroom and did not cation really is.” The student, who spoke to The cause he’d come back every afternoon and just come back; he was subsequently found sleeping Slant on the condition of anonymity, healed from pass out on the bed—I thought he was always on a toilet.) his wounds in eight days. drunk so I got excited about his alcohol con- Soon, double-blind clinical trials conducted nections,” explained Kloch’s roommate, Austin. by Campbell and colleagues demonstrated that “And then I thought he had narcolepsy, which undergraduate visitors to Zerfoss healed 82 per- would’ve been cool too because he would’ve cent faster and had 67 percent fewer recurrences been like River Phoenix in My Own Private Idaho of symptoms after taking Mucinex when com- and River Phoenix was pretty cool, you know, pared to the control, regardless of the ailment until he died.” listed in their initial diagnosis. Some results On the bright side, Kloch is able to use his were especially dramatic: Three trial partici- condition to obtain mates. “At some party, I pants were successfully cured of non-Hodgkin’s whispered into this one chick’s ear, ‘I would walk lymphoma, Crohn’s disease, and sickle-cell ane- across time zones just to be with you, no matter mia, respectively. how tired I get,’ and I didn’t feel bad saying it be- Guaifenesin, a heavily modified propanediol, cause it was the truth! She fell for it right away!” is thought to operate by both improving the vol- Student with full-blown hepatitis. Prescribed Kloch said proudly. ume and viscosity of tracheal and broncheal se- Mucinex and called it a day. God I love being Later that night, however, as the pair was cretions and relaxing muscles without analgesic a doctor. walking back to Commons, ASS got the better Rumored fellow jet-lag sufferer, Dave or consciousness-influencing effects, resulting in of Kloch, so the girl had no choice but to leave Grohl or Alanis Morissette. elevated blood oxygen concentrations, reduced him sleeping on Alumni Lawn under the sprin- Olive Gordon’s Restaurant Overheard at Vanderbilt Shuts Now On the Card By: Katherine Klockenkemper tastes “too good,” according to Ross. Gordon Down, Was Actually Italian Innovator is pleased at the positive reception, but is also puzzled by some adamant requests that do not The newest addition to the Taste of Nashville reflect her menu’s rustic selections. Performance Art program is Olive Gordon’s, an authentic Italian “Where I come from in Italy, we don’t eat By: Douglas Lee “Overheard hasn’t been funny in, like, for- restaurant in Midtown across from Chuy’s. Ol- ‘bread sticks.’ I have heard that people expect Exhibit Entrepreneur ever,” a student was overheard saying. “I bet it ive Gordon’s joins Roma’s Pizza and Pasta in the these sticks to be served with unlimited servings In response to recent revelations that popular actually was people submitting shit until those off-campus dining Italian options. of soup and salad. We just cannot do that. I must Twitter account @Horse_ebooks was neither three assholes took over.” The tiny, tucked-away façade is reminiscent of preserve the integrity of my restaurant,” Gordon a spambot nor a horse, Facebook group Over- “Did you guys actually think it was a bunch of an Italian ghetto, but the rustic appearance isn’t stressed in Italian. heard at Vanderbilt announced that it was all an Vandy kids?” Facebook commenter Mark Tra- the only authentic touch of the eatery. Owner Gordon’s English is limited, so when it came to elaborate art experiment. vis wrote. “I mean, come on, that’s impossible. I and head chef Olive Gordon, who immigrated naming her establishment, she decided to keep The announcement post reads, “Overheard knew it was fake all along.” to Nashville from a small town in Sicily in 2012, it simple. on Facebook–‘Overheard at Vanderbilt’ is shut- Shortly after Overheard’s announcement, promises that her small, rotating menu of home- “This restaurant is an extension of who I am, ting down. It’s been fun, but it’s time we come a large group of students formed a protest in grown delicacies rivals dishes made in her moth- and represents my life’s work. I thought, this is clean. We are not a disparate group of dis- front of Dank New Rand, now simply called erland. She also claims that the prices will appeal me, a true Italian cook. This place is Olive Gor- gruntled Vanderbilt students posting the same Rand Lounge because Dank New Rand is, in to college students. don’s.” five shitty things every day. In fact, we are even the words of one student, “a shitty-ass name the “I want students to be able to taste Italy,” more soulless than those Buzzfeed guys who ran Overheard guys tried to force down our throats, Gordon said via translator. “I’m already over- @Horse_ebooks: Three members of VPB with and we went along with it like idiots.” whelmed by the high volume of customers and a shitload of Facebook accounts. We consider At the Frist exhibit, one of The Herders inquiries I have received about my restaurant.” this entire experience art, and we’d all like you claimed he was not surprised by the vitriolic re- One such customer is sophomore Sam Whit- to come to Commodore Quake featuring Ken- sponse from students, and in fact welcomed it. tle, who visited Olive Gordon’s last Friday night. drick Lamar and Wale, October 3 at Memorial “Getting people in a hissy fit is what art is all “I was planning on a big night of drinking Gym. Doors open at 7 and the show starts at 8.’” about,” the Herder said. “It’s proof that we are with the bros, so I thought some mediocre pas- The trio simply called themselves “The Herd- on the edge of avant-garde, independent from ta would hit the spot,” said Whittle. “Boy, was I ers” and set up an installation at the Frist Center larger interests. Also don’t forget to go to the wrong. I could compare my alfredo to a religious for the Visual Arts with a PowerPoint displaying Homecoming BLOCK PARTY at Kensington experience. I wasn’t even hungover the next day. various Overheard posts. The exhibit was well- Place, Friday October 3 at 7:00.” My respect for Olive Gordon’s has skyrocketed.” attended and attracted several journalists, such Senior Maria Ross agrees. “I’m a huge fan of Pasta dish topped with signature Olive Gordon as The Atlantic columnist Pretan Shuse. Italian restaurants like Macaroni Grill and Car- garden olives. “Over the course of its surreal run, Overheard rabba’s. So I was thrilled when Olive Gordon’s at Vanderbilt has redefined not just the Vander- opened so close to campus so I can finally get my bilt University experience, but the very defini- chicken marsala fix.” tion of college life, and even life itself,” Shuse Students’ high praises share a common theme: wrote in a piece for the magazine. “It seemed as the food is so exquisitely authentic that it almost if students had come together to air their griev- ances around campus, creating a completely organic, transcendent, out-of-body experience. Now it is time for the curtain to be pulled, re- vealing the three immensely creative artists behind this truly innovative conceptual art piece.” Zeppos to Install Campus-Wide On Facebook and campus, however, the response was less positive. “FUCK THESE FUCKING FUCKS,” Face- FRISKY AT THE FRIST: A patron of the Over- Balance Beams and Parallel book commenter John Davis wrote. “I CANT heard exhibit analyzes the deep meaning behind FCUKING BELIEVE THIS SHIT. OVERHERD “She gave me a handjob for, like, 45 hours.” WAS AWESOME AND NWO IT SUKKS Bars for Shawn Johnson B A L L S .” By: Julia Ordog Gymnastics Guru

Chancellor Zeppos announced at a home here.” class on time. “She’s just too short… walk- press conference on Tuesday that Vander- Zeppos’ method of integrating Johnson ing is so slow. If she can flip and tumble bilt will be installing balance beams into the community includes installing 417 and fly to class, it will be way more conve- and parallel bars around campus for re- balance beams and 250 sets of parallel bars nient for her.” tired-Olympian-turned-college-student throughout campus, covering all routes of Zeppos intends to personally oversee the in- Shawn Johnson. Johnson’s class schedule, and cutting paths stallment of the equipment around campus this After the first month of classes, Zeppos to the dining halls. Many classroom build- coming weekend. Johnson has declined to com- realized how underwhelming Johnson’s ings have also been renovated to include ment on the issue. reception had been and decided that im- pommel horses, uneven bars, and spring mediate action was necessary. “She was boards as well. Zeppos elaborated, “What excluded from the VUcept experience and better way to help Johnson adjust to life doesn’t get to live on the Commons,” Zep- on campus than to bring gymnastics to pos said. “She must be feeling very left out Vanderbilt in the biggest way possible?” of the real Vandy experience. We haven’t Zeppos pointed out that the web of Seen here are the renovations to Alumni Hall done a very good job of making her feel at equipment will also help Johnson get to made to help accomodate Shawn Johnson. 8 PB BACKPAGE The Slant - www.theslant.net -October 2, 2013 The Slant - www.theslant.net -February 9, 2011 TTOPTEN REASONS PEOPLE DO COMMUNITY SERVICE

10 Court mandate SLANTED MUSIC 9 They convinced you at ASBBQ Slant Album Review: Zeppos Shows Off 8 Accidentally His Gold with Debut LP Karmic footprint 7 By: Grant Paton Dubstep Degenerate number that is destined to become a frat house staple and can get even the most modest of girls to “show off that Buttrick”. The voices in your head Chancellor Nicholas Zeppos is best known for his instrumen- Zepposable Thumb is not all bass and beat however. Zeppos told you to tal role in bringing Vanderbilt University is equally adept at writing poignant and 6 international prominence, but he may be moving lyrics, backed up by guitar work known for a different kind of instrument reminiscent of The Band. For example, after the release of Zepposable Thumb, the raw frustration and power of the vo- You’re sick and tired of his debut LP. cals on “Lost in Stevenson” are breath- hurting people The dubstep - folk crossover album taking, and the crooning love ballad 5 expertly captures the work hard, play “Martha,” with its bluegrass style guitar hard mentality so prevalent on campus, track and Conway Twitty-esque deliv- blending thumping bass lines with witty ery, could bring a tear to the most macho It’s what Jesus would lyrics and word play. man’s eyes. The first track, “In Rand,” is a beau- When asked what he plans to do after 4 do, presumably tifully executed homage to Flock of Zepposable Thumb reaches the top of the Seagulls that uses the synthesizer to wax charts, Zeppos shrugged off ideas of na- poetic about the joys of being in Rand tional tours, claiming “I have too much “all night and day.” “In Rand” then drops to do around here to give it all up for the It’s what Avalokitesvara into “Sarratchet,” a crunk-style jam that Chancellor Zeppos folk-dubbing with the groupies and drugs.” would do makes Lil’ Jon seem like the Little River Flaming Lips Zeppos did however hint at the pos- Band. sibility of a Rites appearance, saying, “I 3 Zeppos delivers a magnum opus from beginning to end, nev- went up there with the Flaming Lips, who’s to say I can’t do that er taking his foot off the creative gas pedal. The true gem of this again?” Regardless of whether or not we see him on tour, I give album lies in “Twerkland Hall,” a catchy, bass-thumping dance the album two Zepposable Thumbs way up. Because you’ve always wanted to visit Detroit 2 Q&A WITH SWITCHFOOT Because you care By: Peter Linck 1 Despite having been in the industry for 17 years, rock band Switchfoot is still going strong. JOINTHESLANT Their newest project ‘Fading West’ includes a By: James Cross tour, documentary, EP, and full length album.

“I write for The Slant, ladies.” The Slant sat down with bassist Tim Foreman Drop that line and they will get weak in the knees and insects in their to talk about the future of Switchfoot. stomach. You trying to nail that sorority girl down the hall? Hell yeah The Slant: You all played a show in Franklin on Tuesday. The Slant: So I’ve heard that your band name comes from you are. She’s a natural blonde. Is there anything in particular you’re looking forward to in when you switch feet on a surfboard. Has your relationship Since I started writing for The Slant, visiting Nashville? with the band name changed over the years? I was given the “Makin’ Love Manual,” written by the first Slant member to Tim Foreman: Um, we’re actually not Switchfoot, we’re Tim Foreman: I’m not sure why you think I’m from Switch- lose his virginity, Brother McLaidalot. Story of the Year. But we have played shows in Nashville foot. I am from Story of the Year, a completely different Now, rather than nervously talking before and we’re really looking forward to seeing the city band. We were originally called Big Blue Monkey, but we Here: James “Ahh sorry to girls, I let my Slant articles do my again on our ten year anniversary reunion tour. changed our name when we discovered a blues band with guys, I don’t have ANY talking for me. Last week I cut out the same name. pictures of myself” Cross my article that made the bottom right The Slant: You guys really have a diverse sound that really corner of the second to last page. Then I wrote my digits on the covers a lot of sub-genres: surfer rock, alt rock, and Chris- The Slant: What was the inspiration behind ‘Fading West,’ bottom, made 35 copies, and nailed the article on the doors of tian rock. Is that the sound you were all striving for when and how is it different from your past albums? the 35 cutest girls on campus. Was I successful in my quest to get you started out back in San Diego? laid? Let’s just say that since then, I have made good use of The Tim Foreman: I’m assuming that’s the name of the new Slant’s self-made “It’s either this paper bag or nothing“ condoms. Tim Foreman: It sounds like you’re thinking of Switchfoot Switchfoot album. I have nothing to do with that band or I know what you’re thinking: are these paper bags biodegrad- again. My name is Adam Russell and I am the bassist for the music they produce. able? They are, but that is neither here nor there. All you need the band Story of the Year. But anyway, I do think that our to know is if you’re looking to get lucky, email Rico Suave at sound is pretty diverse and that’s something we’ve always The Slant: Even after all these years, do people still shout [email protected]. Also, if you are looking for a solid wanted. We try and combine elements of emo, hardcore, out requests for “Dare You To Move” at all your shows? girl-to-guy ratio, come by our weekly meetings on Wednesday and alternative in a really unique way. at 9pm in Sarratt 130. I go to pick up chicks, but the writing is a Tim Foreman: This interview is over. nice perk. Nation Has Officially Forgotten -SlantLeaks- Mark Russell, Random Ass Person About Bath Salts From: The NSA By: Bryson Howard economic melt-down, have caused people to hardly remem- Sent: Monday September 23rd 2013 ber zombie-Floridians ripping the flesh from the bones of To: Mark Russell Salty Surveyor their panhandle red-neck neighbors like bark from a cabbage Subject: Re: Asking Out Rachael A report released yesterday afternoon from the desk of palmetto, the state tree of Florida, while possessed by a chemi- Hey Mark, Thomas R. Frieden, director of the Centers for Disease Con- cal cocktail concocted by the Prince of Darkness himself. trol and Prevention, confirms what people have unknowingly Mayor Johnson added some perspective, saying, “I keep Listen, I’m telling you this as a friend. You have to ask out assumed for months: nobody remembers bath salts. The at- hearing about a debt-ceiling, whatever the hell that is, but I Rachael soon. It doesn’t have to be a big deal--just ask her if she tacks the report calls “horrendous” and “irrational” that once gotta say, a Chick-fil-A did open next to a Zaxby’s not long wants to get drinks this Friday or something. Don’t be nervous, left all of America saying “What the fuck?” now elicit nothing back, and the whole town’s basically just been in a civil war don’t even think about it. Seriously, we’re like 99% sure that more than a frank “What the fuck are you talking about?” ever since.” When asked if he was asserting that fast food is she’s into you. She was gushing about you to her friend Karen. On May 26, 2012, Rudy Eugene ate the face and ripped out more powerful than human strife, the publicly elected mayor You should have heard the way she was talking about you-it the eyes of Ronald Poppo, leaving all of Florida in fear for up- emphatically summarized, “People sure do love their chicken!” was hot! wards of 12 days – a new record at the time for Florida scan- Perhaps the only place that hasn’t forgotten about bath salts If things go well, chances are high that she’ll invite you over dals. Survey administrators polled Floridians about the issue, is Bath and Body Works in Opry Mills Mall, and they want to to her apartment. We should probably let you know that she’s finding that nine out of ten responders can’t remember the ab- remind you that they’re having a fall sale. into some weird stuff. Still, we don’t think any of it will be a horrent acts of violence. Unfortunately, the data was skewed problem for you. We know you have some unusual “interests” by outliers as 100% of the victim’s family members still vividly as well (just look at your Google search history--haha.) Make remember the terror of that day. Accounting for that system- sure to bring both pairs of handcuffs with you. atic error, it’s safe to say the wounds of the past have been I don’t want to get you too hyped up. I know I’ve given you completely covered by scarred facial tissue and skin grafts, as some bad advice in the past. Remember three years ago, back officially no one remembers bath salts. in college? It was saturday at like 2:30 in the morning and I told A team was recently sent to Apilachicola, Florida to inves- you to text that girl you liked, “Wanna go to Jack in the Box and tigate the panhandle. The cultural mecca of the state was still then maybe take some shots in my room?” And she texted back unaware that bath salts are a thing. When the city’s mayor, “Haha noooo”. You were so embarrassed! Van Johnson, was asked if he remembered hearing about peo- Anyway, like I said, that won’t happen with Rachael. I guar- ple having their faces peeled off like papier-mâché masks, he antee it. In fact, I’m so confident it will go well I want to know summarized in a response very telling of his character, “No, I exactly how the date went. Get back to me by Sunday. Actually, don’t really watch Game of Thrones.” don’t bother. I’ll know how everything went after you text one How could millions of people completely forget about one of your friends. of the times that Satan possessed Florida? Director Frieden Bath salts are commonly referred to by their Your Friend, hypothesized in his report that local events, such as Trayvon street names: Satan Powder, Zombie Dust, The NSA Martin’s death, along with international turmoil and fears of and Aromatherapy. Phone: 395-666-9871 Fax: 111-222-3333