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Walter White and the Seven Dwarfs Walter White and the Seven Dwarfs Methy, Scratchy, Twitchy, Toothy, Paranoidy, Schizy and Doc Go Hi-Ho-Heisenberg in Disney-Produced Spinoff THISJUSTIN Enthusiastic Fresh- UNESCO Report Condemns Report: Americans Vanderbilt Campus Dining for men Pack Stands at “Starving” Students By: George Spelvin her own admission has never Not Getting Enough Starvation Sage prepared a meal herself. By: Dan King that we all need more.” Cross Country Meet A UNESCO delegation has “It’s horrifying what they’ve Sufficiency Savant Many Americans are By: James Sclafani to runners who were from, ac- released a sharply worded re- been through,” asserted Dr. shocked by the results of the Obscure Sports Observer cording to Jon, non-prestigious port condemning Vanderbilt Kwami Mulambe, South Afri- A new report shows that study. VIVA member Nicole colleges. No support was given Campus Dining for its treat- can health minister and lead Americans aren't getting near- Johnson says she tries “to make NASHVILLE, TN—Vander- to the Vanderbilt runners. ment of 18 members of the author of the report. “Their ly enough. The report, issued getting one or two per day just bilt cross country saw its larg- The group’s rowdy behav- EEE sorority, saying that they dining options are so limited. by US Surgeon General, Regi- part of my routine, I don't re- est crowd ever this past Sat- ior throughout the meet has have been “literally starved” The Pub is completely unfea- na Benjamin, looked in depth ally think about it any more. I urday at the first invitational caused members of the cross- while waiting in line during sible. Pi? Out of the question. at the amount people are guess I don't get what people of the season. The crowd was country team to reconsider Tortellini Tuesday. And they’re being mercilessly getting and found America's are doing that they can't get composed solely of a group of their complaints about a lack of The 32-page report re- outcompeted for line positions numbers woefully lacking. enough per week.” freshmen looking for some ex- fans. In fact, the team has taken counts the women’s plight, at Leaf. It’s a human rights vio- Most scientists agree that Some, however, say they citement to start off their week- a 180-degree switch on their describing in gut-wrenching lation, absolutely.” the average adult needs some- don't take the news report to end. The group of four met on stance on fans. Attendance at detail how they were forced to Vanderbilt’s Zeppos regime where between 12 and 18 per heart. A&S sophomore Katie Saturday in Chad Rezafin’s Vanderbilt cross country meets wait between “like, an hour” to has countered the report’s week, and at least one per Nailer says, “They don't know room, where they took shots is now strictly invite-only. “practically forever” to receive findings, claiming that, in fact, day. Most Americans, though, how much we need. I get one of Svedka in preparation for Dave Francis, coach of the their plates of pasta. the current dining system is seem to only get about seven or two per month and I'm per- the event. Rezafin said of the women’s cross country team, The report quotes junior humane. In a tersely worded per week, with 10% of Ameri- fectly healthy. Things like this morning, “once I took out my was adamant in his new policy Mackenzie Gibbons as saying: statement delivered over state cans reporting getting fewer are just silly, everyone needs ‘take me drunk I’m home’ shot of not allowing fans to attend “I mean, you’d think they’d, VTV, Vice Chancellor of Pub- than three per week. different amounts.” glass I knew we would have a meets. “When our girls were like, hand out breadsticks or lic Affairs Beth Fortune de- Surgeon General Benjamin The report concludes with good time”. Rezafin’s neighbor- running, some of those jerks something.” cried the UNESCO report as says, “We need to improve some concrete recommenda- ing floor mate Ryan comment- held up signs that showed the In the report, the victims “an imperialistic conspiracy these numbers fast. Americans tions for people looking to get ed, “Why were they all up at Nike symbol… underneath was decry their experience as “a designed to destabilize order simply aren't getting enough. more every day. The Surgeon 8:30 on a Saturday morning?” the slogan, ‘just do me’”. The fucking crime,” with many and our community values.” The more we get, the happier General recommends setting The group arrived at Percy group was unapologetic for echoing the claim that “it can’t “Also, you can’t do the ex- and healthier we will all be. one out at night so you can Warner Park at 9:00 a.m., un- their behavior, and expressed take that long to make a help- press tortellini? Chef James? Right now, though, we're in have it in the morning right aware that they would have to interest in returning to meets ing of fucking tortellini!” Hell, even that new Bamboo trouble.” when you wake up. They also wait for all the schools to ar- in the future. “I don’t think their “I don’t pay sixty thousand Bistro place?” Benjamin stopped short of encourage employers to al- rive and warm up. As the races new fan policy is going to af- dollars a year for this kind of At press, members of the explicitly stating why people low their employees ample got underway, the freshmen fect us”, said Chad. “Whether bullshit,” an anonymous victim group, still waiting for their aren't getting enough, though break time to have one or two became increasingly disrup- it’s parties, family reunions, or reportedly whispered as she tortellini, are using their she did offer a few specula- throughout the day. tive. Every runner that passed whatever- not being invited fluttered on the edge of con- $200 smartphones to pro- tions. She says, “Maybe peo- them in red and blue was has never stopped me before”. sciousness. vide momentary distractions ple feel like they don't have greeted with the chant of “Fuck “Even I could make it faster from the constant hunger enough time or that they don't Ole Miss”. Jon Bloom shouted than they do,” affirmed senior pangs. enjoy it... but I'm telling you “You’ll work for me one day!” Aubrey Woodward, who by INSIDETHISISSUE Fry Cook 2 Sandwich Artisan 3 Cashier 4-5 Shift Manager 6 Branch Manager 7 4 6 City’s Residents Unsure If Nation’s Babies: “Objects Still Exist Even Owner 8 Parade or Funeral Procession When You Can’t See Them” 2 #SHITPOLITICIANSSAY 3 The Slant - www.theslant.net -October 2, 2013 The Slant - www.theslant.net -October 2, 2013 FROM THE EDITOR Fucked Image Actually Inside This Issue I have had a TV in my dorm since I was National News: .................................................2 a freshman, and since my sophomore year I have prided myself on Appetizers, Race, and The Middle East: ...........3 having one of the big- gest CRT televisions (the old, boxy ones) A Bunch More Articles: .....................................4 on campus. For the past two years I’ve Food Pyramid: ..................................................5 PETER LINCK lugged my family’s old 27” Sylvania tele- vision from St. Louis Around The Loop: Government Shutdown........6 to Nashville, but at the end of last year the TV slowly began to die. This year I replaced it with Music Section: ..................................................7 a Memorex TV I found at Goodwill on move-in This is not a joke. This actually weekend. Why these old televisions? Well, I’m happened. a cheapskate and I don’t feel like spending hun- Top Ten: Community Service............................8 dreds of dollars on a flat screen. Plus you can channel surf much faster with old TVs, and you never get that nauseating motion blur effect. Coming from a long line of heavy TV-watch- ers, I was very excited when I heard that, with Destitute Detroit Residents Fail to Notice the approval our student government, the uni- versity was spending some $250,000 over the summer to install HD cable feeds in our dorms. City-Wide Power Outage I knew my old-school TV wouldn’t see a differ- By: Danny McClanahan ence in picture quality, but I was at least excited The power grid was put under heavy stress after the canine for the prospect of new channels. I dreamed of Destitution Debutante attack, so residents were urged to ease up on electricity usage. being able to get channels like IFC, Turner Clas- Detroit Chief Compliance Officer Gary Brown shut off power Brown states that the residents “weren’t responding as fast as we sic Movies, or even perhaps Boomerang in my to several buildings in downtown Detroit on September 11th, a would like them to, so we had to send them a strong message by very own room. maneuver which went completely unnoticed by most residents of turning the power off.” However, John Banks, a spokesperson for The change to HD TV in my dorm has been downtown Detroit, as they are homeless and have never encoun- Old Glory Electric, disagreed with this analysis. “Whatever mes- even better than expected. I was pleasantly tered electricity before. sage he was trying to send was completely lost in translation, since surprised when I noticed an improved picture Detroit PD explains that the power grid underwent crucial in- the general population of Detroit is completely illiterate and have quality even on my old TV.
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