The Quaker a High School Tradition for Years
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~\ ) The Quaker A high school tradition for years. Volume 91, Number 7 Salem Senior High School April Fool's, 2004 Research paper. deeIQ.ed unconstitutional By Devon Mcilvaine brilliant young minds are quite eting outside theSupreme Court to annihilate grade point aver- burst into cheers when the ver obviously already.fa- were heard chant- ages. At their deprutment meet- Feature edit0r dict was announced. Salem, tigued and suffering ing "Let's fight! ingaftertheannouncement,pos- Ohioresident and high school • Supreme Court Chief from severe clinical We know we's sible alternatives were sug- senior Sean Morrissey com ) ·· Justice William senioritis, and forcing right!" but quickly gested. Ideas included the fol- mented that "this was the great lJ Rehnquist announced them to take an in- stopped that and lowing: afotirday Macbeth test est day of [his Jhigh school ca yesterday that a term paper in · depth look at things had to take a few (as opposed to the µ-aditional reer'' and that "it felt like a hor- the final semester ofhigh school they don't care about hours to regroup three day marathon), replacing rible burden was.?·. is officially illegal. isclearlycruelandun- whentheyrealized Frankenstein and Jane Eyre lifted from After months of de lib usual punishment and their grammatical with War and Peace and The {his]shoulders." • eration, the high court passed blatantly unconstitu- error. The general · Encyclopedia Britannica, and down the ruling with a surpris' tional;" c.onsensus is that / translatingBeowulfintoitsori@- ing vote of 9-0. Rehnquist cites Reactions to they are unable to nal OldEnglish. that papers of such length are the decision have think clearly as However, the groups of clear violations ofthe Eighth been mixed. they now must' de- seniors anxiously awaiting the Amendment, finding that "these English teachers pick- · vise another method with which decision on the courthouse steps (}l,uaker staff prints Ramen noodles save Hie diiy .. April Fool's edition out on it's own it was almost we all know there were plenty By Carla Gbur doomsday! of the noodles to go around. By Sean Morrissey Opinion editor Mr. Peters' and his The bags of noodles miracu Editor-in1..Chief nyone who.is reading wood technology classes took lously kept the boats afloat long A this k. no... ws about. t.h.e the boats and stuffed the little enough for a passerby to see boats that were set up things full ofall the Spaghetti O's them arid get help immediately. in the pefe.~eri9' for food dona and ch.icftrn noodle soup that TM man was identified as Ross tions, but do you know thatthe iliey could handle; little did they Perot and was just passing boats had been sent out on the know they over did it! The boats through when he saw the boats open seas? in . dis The boats tress. were being Not only tested to see did · he ifthey could save the be filled up boats but with' the a lot of cans, jars, fumiliesin (Story on page 9) and bags of this town fooq, and will be float down v e r y the ever fa happy mous F.E with the Cope river donations to spread of food. the food to all thefamiliesinneed didn't make itfivefeet without Since the high school · in our own community. Sure the slowly taking on water and cans did such a nice thing for the -boats were tested in still waters started gping over board! The needy families, Ross Perot de at the Community Center with only thing that saved the day . cided to donate four billion dol , a lighter carry load, but when put were the Ramen Noodles, and lars for improvements in the school. Feature The Acade.my shows some love satellite. The T.U.C.A.N has By Brandon Fitch been recognizing talent since Giant Eagle bag boy of the year 1983. Originally this awarqwa<> given as tl;ie '.'Chef Of ~e .Yeat'' The International Acad award to those who exhibit.a.· emy ofC\llinary Arts is a world showing of excellence, but the renowned organization started by growing job market has broad Mamma Cass(R.I.P). This is a ened the entire affair; This"yeai's · branch of the award will sim Fren·ch, ply be known as L' Acade' mie "The Award Culinaire · de Formerly Ham Sandwich. Known as Chef E;ach year the of the Year apademy hold~ Award," and is a)i awards cer a symbol in the Jimmy Hoffa found in greenhouse emony to recog shape ofa poofy By Lauren Arnold · · · solved! After the annual February from a rabid marmoset bite. It was nize excellence. hat. Participants · · clean-up of the SHS green house, a . said that Jimmy Hoffa had· ties to The. Testimonial. Undergraduate · Quaker Queen certain bearded science tcachcrwho organized crime but apparently who achieve a standard of ex · After the disappearance of wishes to remain anonymous those tics were right here in the . Culinary Awards Night cellence will eventually go back Teamster's Union mcmbcrandPrcsi- sme.lled. something suspicious. Mahoning Valley. After Miss (T.U.C.A.N.) is sponsored by to wherever it is they came from dent in 1975, people all over the Okay,grantedthatcouldbeanum- Stcwart'smedicalcxaminationofMr. world have been speculating where bcr of things in the science wing, Hoffa, the F.U.l. re-opened their Fruit Loops, just follow your and wake up the next morning nose. Liposuction conglomerates Jimmy Hoffa (or his body} may be·· but regardless, this peaked the in- Hoffa case and found links to the feeling unfulfilled that their life hidden. As head of the union Hoffa . forest of this particular faculty mem- local mafia family "'Mahoning inar from around the has not was linked to mob activity and ber. After snooping through scv- mosct mooks" and their string of world are also a openly admi~cd that he needed tht( era!. flower beds he foundthc body crimes known simply . as the changed in the co-sponsor of the mob's help to organizeworkers who·~ · ofJunmy Hoffa, perfectly preserved ''Mahoning mannoset massacres;" slightest. clisrupt strikes. He hacl .also been. and wearing a Brooks Brothers suit. shindig. "We love This· 'linked,allcgcdly;to the- J:F.K: assas,· As part of a longstanding you to love food," sination: The FBI had -searched for: An autopsy pcrfonned by deal, the EB.I. hasoffercd a one mil year the Salem SHS's own Miss Jana Stewart, re says a fat sucking him in the past ~ithout luck. lion dollar reward to SHS. The funds High School But now the. mystery. is vealed that Hoffa's death stemmed arc expected to be used forthe band. spokesman, Mr. cafeteria staff Faceless N. entered and Greedyman. brought home Teacher Feater~ with The Spirit Rock Involved an award in the By Sean Morrissey peas. I always left them on my con Known as Rock Cycle, they've in this prestigious r e v e r e d The Quaker's king tinental plate." Metam01phosing gone platinum on their freshman al contest are· pro- "school lunch" The Spirit Rock was born into a fine young man and adult,Thc bum and arc looking to do the same tiessionals.. ,. from. the. Bananarama. caregory: The on· M. arc h. ·3 , 5, 000 ,000 BC . Th· e son Rock spent a majority of his time for their second. I noticed a small following fields~ · dishes that won of ai>lutonic relationship between resting. "All workandno play makes tear form, and Rock began to sob. chefs_,:Pa~try_ch~fs; w~\te,~; ,a~q :·~ere the dplightful tortilla ~oup .. his mother, Igneous, and father, Tec Jack a dull boy," he said laughingly. "I'm so proud of my little slates, I lunch ladies. This particular ban- and the infamous chuck wagon tonic, produced the fomlation we sec · As I· took a fook, at his hope they go far," said a tearful quet h~ been a. n· an_ nua.l rendez- burger. Lunch ladie__ s throughout gracing the front of SHS. When mantle, I noticed several pictures of Rock. f. l b h asked. about his childhood, Rock his little pebbles. I figured I would When asked if he's en~ vous or cu inary ig s. o~s the land paid homage to those said, "I hate to be sedimentaiy, but get to the core of who· these fine joyed the past three years here at a:ound t?e globe. !he affair is who have ascended to greatness. I had the greatest youth anyone young children were. Sandy Stone Salem High, the Rock jovially re filled with celeb:tty cameos: . Our proud "saviors of the . could ask for." He later went on to and Crystal Crust were both born plied, "It's been the best time of my Martha Stewart wtll be present- spatula"will live in infamy. talk about his picky eating habits, 5,000yearsago, this May. Together, life. Bringing a little extra spirit here ing the award for prison food via · sayin-g, "My favorite food llaS al- they arc two of the most successful has always been. my dream. The ways been cauliflower, but I hated musicians this side of the Rockies. staff: the kids, everyone is extremely 14 things to be·:. overjoyed about root canals 8. Gandhi quotes that no one gets research papers 9. blisters · falling UP the stairs IO. pasta in a can, a.k.a Spaghetti-Os parallel parking 11. drivers' cd classes nose cauterization 12. Gigli the Krebs cycle 13. fake crab meat Puritan literature · 14~ school pictures Page2 • • 0 IDIOD fWh"'it'Sthe-Oill-flll1h1S-P01i117C0Uiite--oill1'f 1War orworcts I .