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i ii iii Abstract Despite the passing of significant legislation in the late 20th century ("Homosexual Law Reform Act, 1986," ; "Human Rights Amendment Act, 1993") homonegativity remains an issue in Aotearoa New Zealand. For example, in the second decade of the 21st century, many gay people do not feel able to disclose their sexuality. The process of acknowledging and disclosing one’s sexuality is complex, and has been researched from various perspectives, with a focus in this country, on younger people. Limited research has been conducted into the experiences of older gay men. Using hermeneutic phenomenology, this is one of the first studies in Aotearoa New Zealand to investigate the lived experiences of gay men who have come out after the age of 40. In the thesis, I initially consider the historical background in terms of attitudes towards homosexuality from various perspectives: religious, healthcare, educational, and legal. I then examine the processes of disclosure, taking into account the barriers and enablers identified by research participants. These participants were invited to reflect on salient aspects of life before coming out, in contrast with their current experience of living openly as gay men in contemporary society. They also shared advice for gay men who are having difficulty in acknowledging and/or disclosing their sexual orientation. Given the epistemological challenges inherent in phenomenological research, the focus of this study is on gay Pākehā/European men; however, the findings may have implications for gay men and women of other ethnicities. Interviews from 12 participants were transcribed, and the subsequent narrative data were analysed with four key themes emerging. The first theme relates to the society in which the participants grew up, a society characterised by heteronormativity, heterosexism and homonegativity. One particularly striking finding relates to the historical and residual homonegativity apparent in various denominations of the Christian Church. The second theme relates to the processes involved in coming to understand one’s sexuality. Some participants displayed strong self-awareness from an early age, while for others, self-insight was comparatively limited, and in some cases, impeded by a mechanism which I term ‘protective ignorance’. Participants became aware of their sexual orientation at different stages, in different ways: one participant knew at the age of five; others became aware during adolescence; for some the iv catalyst proved to be a sexual encounter with another man much later in life. The third theme relates to the types and intensity of psychosocial pain associated with acknowledging and disclosing one’s sexual orientation against a backdrop of homonegativity. The final theme relates to the sense of fulfilment associated with having worked through the coming out process, and the quality of life associated with living life openly as a gay man in contemporary society. The research argues that despite the multiple advances on many fronts, including the passing of legislation and concomitant softening of negative attitudes towards same- sex issues, there is, nevertheless, evidence of persistent homonegativity throughout contemporary society. This impacts people throughout their life course, and has serious implications for gay people of all ages. v Dedication This is for my partner, Raymond, with all my love. vi Acknowledgements My first debt of gratitude is to Auckland University of Technology (AUT) for financial and logistical support in completing this study. When I resolved to embark on a PhD I was determined to enjoy the process; and it has been more enjoyable than not, partly due to the absorbing nature of the research, but also thanks to the stimulating discussions I have had with so many interesting people. I would like to thank all of the individuals who have helped me along the way, either through formal involvement or simply by asking periodically, ‘How is it going?’. In terms of getting the project started, I first acknowledge my friend Michael Richardson for moral support and practical suggestions, for inducting me into AUT’s LGBTIQ staff network ‘OUT@AUT’, for his generous gift of various scholarly texts, and for being an outstanding role model. Numerous colleagues, students, friends and family members have expressed interest in and support for the project. It would be impossible to thank every person who has provided assistance of one sort or another, but I would like to take this opportunity to express my gratitude to the following individuals who have had some sort of formal engagement with the project. My two supervisors, Professor Marilyn Waring and Professor Welby Ings: each has inspired me to give of my best. I still cannot believe my good fortune in having these two people to guide and support this research - both outstanding scholars, both exceptional human beings. Marilyn’s monthly ‘pot luck’ dinners are legendary: the format is a leisurely shared meal followed by a seminar. I attended for a year before formally enrolling, and the gathering has been a monthly highlight for me; as a sub-group, members of the ‘phenomenology special interest group’ have provided special support and friendship. Dr Deb Spence spent time talking some of us through the research advantages of hermeneutic phenomenology. Professor Liz Smythe convenes the ‘Heidegger reading group’ and it has been an inestimable privilege to attend these gatherings in person at AUT’s South Campus over the last three years. In the early stages, I’u Tuagalu spent considerable time talking me through paradigmatic positioning two years before I formally enrolled. Professor Lynne Giddings ran a qualitative methods masterclass, which was a lot of fun, and helped me to make sense of the bewildering array of methodological possibilities. Charles Grinter from AUT’s Ethics Committee helped me through the ethics process. Kevin Baker, Head vii of Counselling at AUT, provided practical help with the ethics application, and made available support for participants. Dr David Semp met with me to talk about his research, and to suggest possible directions for mine. Timothy McMichael, General Manager of Outline, met with me on a number of occasions to talk about LGBTIQ mental health issues. Tommy Hamilton from Rainbow Youth met with me to talk about issues facing younger LGBTIQ people. Dr Anthony Nobbs established a supportive postgraduate learning community, and hosted a writing retreat in 2014. Dr David Parker facilitated a writing retreat in 2014, and provided insightful comments on my draft proposal. Dr Kathryn Owler has provided insightful comments on various aspects of the research, including conference presentations. Dr Julie Trafford provided insightful comments on an early draft of the discussion chapter. Maggie Eyre has provided enthusiastic and practical advice on conference presentations. Dr Robyn Ramage, Postgraduate Liaison Librarian, provided initial guidance in database searching for the literature review; Sanya Baker and Shahzad Ghahreman, also from the library, provided practical assistance with Hansard searches. Andrew South has provided invaluable practical assistance with Endnote. Shoab Khan and Niten Swami have provided reliable and ongoing technical support. Rudy Bin Mahli, Research Repository Administrator, assisted in processing the digital copy of this thesis. Dr Lyn Lavery of Academic Consulting provided training in qualitative data analysis software, NVivo 10. Sue Knox facilitated a workshop in managing long documents, and, together with Alan Knox, has provided valuable editorial support. Additional editorial support has been generously provided by Karen Margetts. Dr Chris Naughton generously loaned me an extensive collection of Heidegger texts. Professor Judith Pringle and her team at AUT’s Gender & Diversity Research Group enabled me to present an aspect of my research at their 2016 symposium (Allan, 2016a). Members of the Postgraduate Office and the Graduate Research School have provided ongoing support, including the opportunity to present aspects of my research at the annual AUT Postgraduate Symposium (Allan, 2014; 2015; 2016b). I wish to thank the doctoral examiners whose insightful commentary and carefully considered feedback has contributed to the refinement of this thesis: Associate Professor Chris Brickell; Associate Professor Sharyn Graham Davies [confirmation of candidature]; Associate Professor Vivienne Cass; Associate Professor Stephen Neville [thesis examiners]. Naturally, I take full responsibility for the final text. viii Finally, I would like to thank the participants, whose generosity and honesty has made this project so worthwhile. In particular, I would like to thank my friend and colleague William Keung, whose story does not appear in this thesis, but who, nevertheless, provided invaluable support in making himself available as a guinea pig for the pilot interview. ix Contents Abstract ............................................................................................................................ iv Dedication ........................................................................................................................ vi Acknowledgements ......................................................................................................... vii List of Figures .................................................................................................................. xv List of Tables ...................................................................................................................

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