Sold to [email protected]

presents Uncivil Servant starring Belkar Bitterleaf ™

by

©2016 Giant in the Playground. All rights reserved. THE ORDER OF THE STICK, OOTS, BELKAR BITTERLEAF, GIANT IN THE PLAYGROUND, as well as all characters featured in this work, the distinctive likenesses thereof and related elements, are trademarks of Giant in the Playground. Thanks to all the Kickstarter backers who made this possible, and special thanks to the backer who requested this story. Original publication: February 2013 rumble.

rumble! Yeah, OK, I get it. "Rumble."

RUMBLE!!

Knock it off, I know you're— RUMBLE!!

RUMBLE!!RUMBLE!! —hungry. Crap! Crap!

clik! OK, less Hey! of a squash-eater, Back off, more of a squash- Wormy! I was eater-eater! stealing these SNAP!! clik! squashes first! Find your own agricultural surplus!

KRNNTCH! I bet Come on! there are some Give me a break! tender cornfed I haven't eaten gnomes around here in days! somewhere, go eat them! clik! clik!

clik!

clik! clik!

Now I just need to Suck my wait here until butternuts, he gets bored clik-face! This and decides short loin is off to leave. the menu!! HA!

clik! clik! clik! bonk!

bonk! clik! clik!

clik!

clik! clik!

clik! clik! clik! clik! clik! clik! SNAP!! clik! HA! No I think bugs! maybe I should stay away from the Well, except squash fields, That's OK, for the fleas, but though. still—a big decrease I can use my in total bug elite ranger volume. survival skills to scavenge for food. scrtch! scrtch!

Uggh! I might Who taught They call that as well just throw this guy to bake? a blueberry muffin that directly in the A troglodyte? in this town? crapper and save my digestive system the grief.

WHAM!

Baking is a complex chemical Shhhhhhh! process, you know. Hmmm. Shouldn't There's an enchanted You can't just throw a Maybe I'll do a you have started leprechaun doing my bunch of ingredients few loaves of bread by now? work for me! in a pan. for the road...

I can finally I don't know rub this in the face how many of my ... of that smug cobbler regular customers and his magical shoe- will want 90,000 gp making elves! Boots of Eldritch We could Supremacy. make them into sandals? Come on! You expect me I'm sure to believe that, you have a few Jarnson? gold pieces tucked away for special occasions. ??

No, I really—

Brint! You He doesn't Would that know the rules. earn money from Let's cut And here really be such We divided this R-Right, his house. If he's to the chase. You I am, asking you a burden for a town fair and square, Brint. coughing it up to live here, in my town— for just a few gold successful shop and his shop is in anyone, it'll be under my protection, pieces to make things owner like my territory! to me. right? easier for the yourself? boys. His house is in mine, I-I guess Shart. not...

Who are Don't you I am Please, please! you giving it to, After all, want to thank so sick of you Yeah? After Just leave me be! me or him? I distinctly me for that? interfering in my Of course we kick your ass Here, I have a few remember nothing collection efforts, it matters! tomorrow, that gold—take it! burning down in your *gulp* Shart. Does it won't be a concern neighborhood this I don't want to matter? anymore. past year. be in the middle of this.

Sloppy, but a good shakedown. And it's nice to see That's the that this town has sort of rookie a competitive But they mistake that'll marketplace. really shouldn't really come back to be bickering by the bite them in the side of the road ass later. like that. Oh, come on! That was hours clik! ago! Don't you have clik! Damn it! bug stuff to do? What the—? The ankheg!

clik!

clik! Whoa... clik! Shart, did you I saw. just see— Fine, fine! You want a piece of me? clik! clik!

clik!

clik! clik!

Literally, See? Monsters because the knife with skin like a HA! In Hey, that Looks like is actually in bageutte shouldn't your face! was pretty you've fallen your face. mess with a man holding a bread impressive. on hard times, knife! friend. scrthnk! Eh. It'd be more impressive if I didn't have to wash the knife before I could finish my breakfast.

clik! CLIK!! WHUMPF! clik!

Actually, I was pretty impressed with their And, uh, Oh, the Geez, business model. what happened to rags? Yeah, I that sounds terrible! the slavers? just escaped from I mean, like seven months sure, their execution I helped of slavery, so... needed some work— them with their particularly the part executions. where they enslaved me.

But as a proof-of-concept? Really solid. I watched Yeah? What's I've gotten you against that in it for me? And a squad together monster, and I saw the answer to that to take down this that you're a man should be shiny and I can't really Hey, loser Brint. take much money with a unique I think yellow and rhyme wait up! away from the boys, talent. my chances are with "old". but...I can offer pretty good, but And not A talent you 5 gp. with you on my team, be Yellow I need on my Mold. side tomorrow it'll be a sure afternoon. thing.

Normally, I would suggest I can Back off, pitting you against What do Damn, Shart! offer you 10 gp Hmmm. Brint! I got to one another in a bloody you— It's the deputy to be on my him first! deathmatch, but that mayor! side instead. seems sorta redundant Gentlemen, in this case. I'm sure we can come to some sort of arrangement.

I can't get I've killed What's in caught talking *huff!* *huff!* a lot of kegs that, the Beer of to you. I'll be Hey, you! Thanks for over the years, but Eternal Life? in touch. ! chasing away two Did you I don't remember any perfectly good offers. kill the of them having an Me too. I thought local government ankheg? ankh on them. was supposed to support Hey, wait! small business. Goddamn it!

No, the If you Really? ankheg is that killed it, I'm What? No. I would’ve I can't think big acid-spitting going to need you Why would the thought that of any. bug laying dead Because mayor of a small the applications of to come see the Guess that's over there. sadly, that's not town have a giant a tunneling death mayor. why you're the specific enough for bug as a pet? machine to regional deputy mayor, this region. politics would be sweetheart. Why don't Crap, was self-evident. you just call it it his pet or Big Acid-Spitting something? Bug, then? See, the —but neither king's soldiers You earned The mayor group is particularly protect us from it! You killed that here put a 25 gp adept at fighting invasion, and the OK...I pesky ankheg that's bounty on its head monsters, or cultists, police keep us safe give up. What's been tearing up after it nearly or roving bands of You're just from petty the catch? fields all year. swallowed the brigands. giving me a crime— Johnson boy. There's no sack of gold catch. The money coins? is yours. That's why I established the Emergency Fund: to place bounties on threats to our community, so adventurers like you will get rid of them.

No, no, you're thinking Well, you Basically, Wait, of a venture are, aren't you? an adventurer "adventurer"? No capitalist. And who You killed that is an armed vagrant way am I investing needs them, So what monster! who solves more this money on some now that there's the hell is an problems than risky start-up! crowdfunding? adventurer? they cause.

Usually, Oh, certainly! they find out Thousands of gold about a bounty We have Yep, that's I'm not pieces, sometimes— before killing the several other me, town protector. sure I qualify, though our fund only monster, but you're bounties available, I'm very civic- then. But these has a few hundred still entitled to if you're interested minded. adventurer people— at the moment. the money. in helping protect they get paid for the town— killing?

But I think Wait—what I get the idea, so is your name, brave if you'll excuse me, adventurer? I'm gonna go stimulate your local economy so hard it screams my name. Does the I meant Yeah, I That's enough gentleman like the style of the like the cloak. It for a bath, a new set the style? clothing, sir. says I'm a badass I mean, of clothes, new daggers, ranger. Sure, twenty-five some decent food, and As opposed especially if gold! maybe even a half- Oh! to the dirty rags, and-half! she's good which made me look with her— like a brokeass ranger.

Most becoming, sir.

I'm sorry, Well, I So...if ...imagine sir. We only have suppose I can dye that mayor is what he'll pay 49 shades of grey them once I get to if I take down some I don't willing to pay me to here. We're importing a color page. Can't real threats to the know about the take down some big a fiftieth, but it's stay a prequel story Very bug that's trashing peace and quiet of his color, though. Don't currently tied up forever, right? good, sir. If the place... little white picket you have anything in customs. you could just fences. in green? stand still, I'll finish up. I just need some supplies... and maybe a message boy.

Hey, is there a store ...Aren't with paper and quills all stores The tailoring What should and stuff around stationary? is completed, Great! here? I do with the There's a sir. I've got big gentleman's old stationary store plans for clothes? at the end of the Not the tonight. peddler, What does block, sir. Burn sir. he sell? them!

Bicycles, mostly.

A few more rags-to-riches One more makeovers, gods set for the heap, willing, and we'll get dear. through the coming winter yet! I know Yeah, but it's a little... Boss, wouldn't unorthodox...to it be better for the Are you You want hire an outsider money you're paying sure about this, to beat Shart like this. But it'll be to go right into Boss? and his guys fine. No harm the— tomorrow? done.

Yeah, but—

Skulking around in a field What? He A messenger trying to hire a sent me one too, showed up with a random halfling just You! What note from that saying the exact Me? What You know, so we can beat the are you doing halfling, saying to same thing. are you doing Brint...this is other guy? here?!? Did you meet him here and here? ridiculous. What follow us? he'd join my are we doing? Now that team. ...I don't you mention it, get it. it is pretty silly.

I think this I think Looks like whole "feud" has you're right. I've it's up to me, been so busy thinking Huh. I was gotten way out of then! SHTHNK! hand. This isn't why about this, the rest of really hoping luring I guess I got into this my work has been both sides here would I'm no Toshiro SHTHNK! job. suffering. end with you killing Mifune after BRINT!!! each other. all.

Killing you both, obviously. Geez, you What are Well, the "both" think you'd be Well, like part will be more 18, but still. you doing?!? You stupid more grateful. I apparent in a bastard!! made you top thief moment. in this town for 30 seconds. I don't know, Oh, it's you, Not a sir. We can't find Hey hey Fakenamington. problem, I happen Where either of them hey. How's I'm sorry, we can't to have some late are they? anywhere. it hanging, talk, we're waiting friends right This is supposed Well, send mayorfolk? for some friends here. to begin in a few someone to look I stopped who are late. minutes! again! by Town Hall, but your secretary said you guys were out here.

"Gosh, what did you do?" Shart?!? I'll tell you "Hey there, AHHH!!! What—what is what I did, Severed Mr. Mayor! It's What did Oh my "Don't forget happening? Heads—I solved me, Lowlife you do?? "Yes, answer gods! Brint! about me back their problem Thug #1!" the nice lady's here—Lowlife for them. question." Thug #2!"

The way OK, now I saw it, these two I'm just scuzzbuckets shaking So, as an You— I think confused. No, it's not— down your townspeople adventurer, I you horrible I'm going to just stop talking, in broad daylight was killed them both monster!! be sick. you vile little more of a problem than for you. Problem psychopath! an insect, right? Is it because solved. they're humans and Huh? not bugs? Because HlllrrrrkkK! that's straight up I think racist, man. 50 gp each sounds like a reasonable price to me.

Geez, I take it upon myself to clean up your mean Clean up our They weren't— streets? Do you Yeah, a streets for you, couple of lowdown they don't— and this is the have any idea who Just for they were?? extortionists who thanks I get? that, I'm going each tried to recruit LOOK!! to have to charge me into their gang you 75 gp a of thugs. head. So...these And the two dudes money they were... were asking that The chief guy for? of police and the town fire Pledges! For warden! the orphanage!

And when they said they wanted someone OK, fine, with my skill...they 25 gp for the were talking about pair, then. my vertical jump? Final offer. Huh. This is Not only all my fault... We're not It's fair are we not paying I divided the town going to pay you because we you, but you're going up for them to for killing them, canvas... didn't want to jail for murder! you idiot! Deputies... them dead! those would be I thought the 3 slack-jawed a little friendly What? I'll get the dudes following the competition... How is THAT Well you If so, deputies. police guy? fair? should have I've got great thought of that news about your before I killed municipal budget them! for the coming tax year.

Look, just... just go. We're not ...that is What? No! paying you, so please No problem, A town... just leave town. Dough Boy. shamefully You've done enough ... understaffed damage. for basic civil services. Services like, say, stopping Like I'd want to stay in a town that the town from can't even complete a burning down. simple transaction like—

You know, this "adventurer" Nah. That'd thing worked out ... pretty well. Maybe be stupid. I'll try it again someday.