RIcK gEARY

1 PUBLISHER’S LETTER BY MICHAEL GERBER efferson city halloween 1977 JA scary tale.

he rot emerged at a different worship God, as much as hide behind friend. He was kind and imaginative and time and place for everybody, Him — praying He’d protect them from funny, and when he told you something, Tbut for me it started in 1977. themselves. you knew it was the truth…if only to him. It was Halloween night, and we’d just And that brings me back to the rot. The night started out perfectly, and moved from St. Louis to Jefferson City. soon we were holding so much candy Jefferson City is the capital of Missouri, alloween had always been a fa- that the black handles on our little plastic but don’t let that fool you; it was — and Hvorite holiday of mine. First, my pumpkins were beginning to give. “Let’s I suspect still is — a sleepy little burg mom made awesome costumes. Second, go to my house and dump,” I said when wheezing along on the miniscule plea- people seemed to be more themselves on we finished McCarty. “Then we do High.” sures and manufactured excitements of Halloween, and I’ve always found that re- Ross looked dubious. I had a crazy dog small-town life. Trips to the pizza parlor. assuring. Back in the CWE, on Halloween named Gus, half black Lab, half devil. Church socials. High school football. gay people got a little gayer; blacks and “Gus eats books and bras,” Ross said. Some people love this life, but even at whites got along a little better; bartenders “Just think what he’d do to candy.” age 8, Jeff City was not for me. Our old would give you an extra cherry in your Straining, I raised my plastic pumpkin. neighborhood in the Central West End Shirley Temple. “Your dad sees all this, he’s going to end was like Paris in the ’20’s compared, and I was going as a bum, and between our mission. And your mom is going to my mother the painter had gotten off on Mom’s expert styling and Dad’s overcoat, throw most of yours away.” the wrong foot when she asked the ging- I looked great. My best friend, Ross, had Ross had a problem with sugar. His ham-clad mother of my school chum, an awesome Chewbacca costume which, problem was, he loved it; loved it like a “Are there any good bars in town?” in that Year of Star Wars, promised to foot fetishist loves stilettos. Once, when Mrs. Smith (we’ll call her that) cer- be a crowd-pleaser. The two of us were he was spending the night, my parents tainly didn’t wear pearls, but whatever poised to extract so much candy that made the huge error of letting us go to she did wear, she clutched. In small- High and McCarty Streets would require Whaley’s Drugstore and buy Hostess town America, it’s not polite to discuss a full twelve months to recover. cupcakes. Mom, Dad and I watched in one’s pleasures. Those are things to be Ross and I planned it like a military amazement as Ross basically reverse- feared, then given into in secret — at campaign. We’d start out on his block, engineered the thing. First he removed home with the lights off, or in the woods, where the homes were a little bigger; big its cap of black, slightly rubbery icing; or at a truck stop men’s room six miles houses give out big candy, especially in then he peeled off the white strip of out on Highway 50. the early evening when stocks are plen- squiggles. After breaking the icing into Tragically, all this shame turns the tiful. We’d work five blocks of McCarty, 20, roughly equal pieces, Ross then split natural and inevitable search for a then turn and go down High, toward the cake in half. He licked out the center little fun into something that might my house, where we’d finish the night. filling, expertly, then began to eat the ruin your life. Back then the scourges This, too, was part of the plan; Ross’s cake. Each bite of the spongy, bitter were pregnancy and paraquat, but the father was ex-Navy and could be strict. pastry was paired with a piece of icing. Jeff City I knew was an opioid crisis My dad was young and artsy, a profes- As Ross finished, we all resisted the urge waiting to happen. People there didn’t sional photographer, and likely to turn to clap, so intense was his commitment a blind eye to anything we did, as long to this harmless pleasure. (Harmless until Michael as we didn’t actually throw up. about an hour later, when the sugar hit. Gerber Plus, my parents loved Ross. In that Bedtime came late that night.) (@mgerber937) is inauthentic town, he was always 100% Back under the streetlights, Ross knew Editor & Publisher himself. This didn’t always serve him I was right. “Okay,” he said, “we’ll go to of The American in school — he did well in the classes your place.” Bystander. he liked, and nodded off in the ones he Walking into my house, we fought Gus didn’t — but he was the best kind of off and went into my bedroom. Helping

2 each other raise our buckets, we dumped by an obese ex-merchant marine named hen the divvying came, Ross was our massive haul onto the dresser. “Can Charlie with no front teeth who (it was Win no condition to do business, so I have your Butterfinger?” said) gave out beers for Halloween. I I just let him take whatever candy he “Sure.” I didn’t like them anyway. “But didn’t want beer, though I thought Ross wanted, and took his discards without wait to eat it. I need you sharp.” could probably use one. protest. (That was the year I learned Dad stuck his head in. “Done already?” This house, though, was where our to like Mary Janes.) Then, we made a “Please don’t let Gus in here!” I said friends Ben and Luke lived. “Have you small pile for Ben and Luke, and hid it as we pushed past. “You can have some seen the twins tonight?” in the heating register next to my bed. candy.” “No,” Ross said. “Maybe they’re (Unfortunately, the weather changed Ross was appalled. “Why did you say sick?” the next day, fusing it into a giant glob that?” he hissed as we galumphed down “We’ll give ’em some of our candy.” of sucrose and wrappers. Gus discovered the rotting wooden stairs of our rotting The lights were on inside, we could see it, licked it, then vomited.) wooden house. “Because, Ross, Dad will that, but nothing happened after the first I ended up with all the pamphlets. I eat less than Gus will.” press of the doorbell. I got an ominous knew what my mom would say: “This guy feeling. “We should go,” I said, and had can’t draw.” But if the pictures sucked, igh Street was, if anything, better turned when Ross, mad with candy-lust, the stories were even worse: Everyone Hthan McCarty. I knew and liked, in- A lot of parents cluding myself, was were impressed by going to hell. One my costume — I pamphlet was about had a cork 5 o’clock Catholics, that was shadow, and smoked us. Another talked a carrot wrapped in about men like those brown construction nice friends of my paper. “Are you a parents, the couple gorilla?” the clue- who made beauti- less ones asked Ross, ful Christmas orna- and after a while, we ments. Jews like my started saying “yes” friend Rolf. African- just to save time. Americans like my rber e

g Halfway down the friend Stanley. block, I looked over This was the rot. o g at Ross. His mask was Sure, the Smiths were r g e slidry up on his head; nice — to our faces. and his mouth was But if this was the covered in Butterfin- Your author on the night in question. Dad snapped this before the hunt began. God they loved, some ger crumbs. “I couldn’t help it,” he said. gave the bell a vicious stab-and-hold. He part of them must hate us. And fear us, From that moment, I was racing was still pressing it when Mrs. Smith too. If they feared us, what might they against time — could we finish our came to the door. As usual, she was do to us, if they ever got the chance? rounds, get home and divvy up the loot, dressed like Holly Hobbie. That was a scary thought. before all that high-fructose corn syrup “Trick or treat!” Ross yelled. He was But I also felt bad for them. To look at hit Ross’s bloodstream? The smart thing pogoing. two 8-year-olds dressed for Halloween would’ve been to stop right then, but I “Hello, boys,” she said. “I’m sorry to and see Satan — the manifestation of couldn’t stop. We were on a roll. see you.” pure evil — that sounds awful. It sounds By the time we got to the last house, “Oh, Ross just ate some candy,” I said. like hell. What do you do for people that Ross’s movements were sudden and “He’ll be fine in the morning.” scared, that crazy? I still don’t know, erratic, and his skin was coated in a fine “Are Ben and Luke sick?” Ross said. but I’m proud of what the 8-year-old me layer of sweat. When he spoke, it came “They’re not the sick ones,” Mrs. decided: I would be so good and kind to out in a rush, and invariably had to do Smith said. Behind her shoulder I saw the Smiths that they’d have to realize I with more candy. Ross had decided that our friends. They were sitting at the wasn’t Satan. And once they saw that, I was walking too slowly, and sprinted dining room table, with their father, maybe they’d see that Jews, homosexu- ahead. As I walked up to the porch, he holding hands. The three of them were als and blacks weren’t either. I knew was doing ragged cartwheels in the lawn, praying hard; they looked...scared. that whatever they were calling Satan, candy wrappers falling from his pockets. Mrs. Smith looked scared, too. Hands it was the thing that made people hate “Couldn’t help it!” he said as he trembling, she gave us each a couple of and fear one another, and themselves. bounded up onto the porch. I was small paper booklets. “Read these, while So I resolved to be kind. glad this was it; the only other house there’s still time.” Then she closed the …and to get the hell out of Jefferson between this one and mine was owned door. City.

3 table of contents #6 • Vol. 2, No. 2 • Fall 2017

EDITOR & PUBLISHER Michael Gerber HEAD WRITER Brian McConnachie SENIOR EDITOR Alan Goldberg DEPUTY EDITORS Michael Thornton, Ben Orlin CONTACTEE Scott Marshall ORACLE Steve Young STAFF LIAR P.S. Mueller LIAISON James Folta (New York)

CONTRIBUTORS Luke Adams, Jeff Albers, Andrew Bar- low, Ron Barrett, Charles Barsotti, R.O. Blechman, George Booth, Sarah Booth, Zack Bornstein, Steve Brodner, Dylan Brody, M.K. Brown, Luke Burns, Roz Chast, David Chelsea, River Clegg, John Cuneo, Etienne Delessert, Nate Dern, Liza Donnelly, Nick Downes, Curtis Ed- wards, Randall Enos, Liana Finck, Drew John cUneo Friedman, Laura Galaviz, Tom Gam- mill, James Finn Gardner, Rick Geary, Gregory Gerber, Alan Goldberg, Sam DePartMents Gross, Paul Guay, Tom Hachtman, Lance Hansen, Ron Hauge, Noah Jones, Farley Frontispiece: “I Take Issue” by Rick Geary ...... 1 Katz, Lars Kenseth, Joe Keohane, Adam Publisher’s Letter by Michael Gerber ...... 2 Koford, Ken Krimstein, Stephen Kron- News and Notes ...... 9 inger, Peter Kuper, Sara Lautman, Stan Classifi eds ...... 87 Mack, Merrill Markoe, Matt Matera, Hana Index to This Issue by Dirk Voetberg ...... 91 Michels, Tom Motley, Joe Oesterle, Jona- Crossword: “Actor Natalie’s Castles” by Matera & Goldberg ..92 than Plotkin, Mimi Pond, Andy Prieboy, Simon Rich, Arnold Roth, Lee Sachs, Cris Shapan, Mike Shiell, Osman Sid- GalliMaUfry dique, Jim Siergey, Rich Sparks, Nick Ron Hauge, Steve Young, Alan Goldberg, Dylan Brody, Andrew Spooner, Ed Subitzky, Tom Toro, Dirk Barlow, Paul Guay, Sarah Booth, James Finn Garner, Jeff Albers, Voetberg, Evan Waite, D. Watson, Jona- Luke Burns, Lance Hansen, Laura Galaviz, Dirk Voetberg, Osman than Zeller and Alan Zweibel. COPYEDITING Siddique, Jonathan Zeller, Lee Sachs, Zack Bornstein, Liza Donnelly. Cheryl Levenbrown, God bless ’er THANKS TO short stUff Kate Powers, Rae Barsotti, Lanky Ba- A Poem by M.K. Brown ...... 5 reikis, Jon Schwarz, Alleen Schultz, Molly American Bystanders #3 by Drew Friedman ...... 7 Bernstein, Joe Lopez, Eliot Ivanhoe, Neil Dark Carnival by Nick Downes ...... 12 Gumenick, Thomas Simon, Greg and Pa- tricia Gerber and many, many others. Young George Washington by Ed Subitzky ...... 27 NAMEPLATES BY The Details of My Escape by Lars Kenseth ...... 28 Mark Simonson Tips for Staying Hydrated by Steve Young ...... 30 ISSUE CREATED BY Introducing Your New MTA! by Joe Keohane ...... 32 Michael Gerber Human Society Defensively Explained to Aliens by Evan Waite & River Clegg ...... 34 featUres Comedy of Manners by Dylan Brody ...... 37 Vol. 2, No.2. ©2017 Good Cheer LLC, all rights The Twisted Cross by Sam Gross ...... 42 reserved. Proudly produced in California, USA.

4 M.K. Brown

American Bystanders #1

5 The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Firearms Enthusiast by Joe Keohane ...... 45 Donald the Menace by Peter Kuper ...... 47 c o V e r No Coffee by Simon Rich & Farley Katz ...... 55 Pricks Up Front song by Andy Prieboy...... 56 A Man Called Grumpy by Merrill Markoe ...... 59 I Saw Your Mother’s Ass by Alan Zweibel ...... 61 MarVy Cover: “Witches’ Brew” by Tom Toro ...... 63 Comic Page by Adam Koford ...... 64 Hector by T. Motley ...... 65 Wacko Panic Attack! by Mimi Pond...... 66 Gorilla, You’re a Desperado! by Jim Siergey ...... 70 A Week in Gold Panning With Pyrite Jack, Local Prospector by Lucas Adams ...... 73 An Old Story by R.O. Blechman ...... 74 Many Unhappy Returns by Ron Barrett ...... 75 Chicken Gutz by Randall Enos ...... 76 This issue’s offering is courtesy of the awe-inspir- ing Arnold Roth, who bears distant responsibil- The Doozies by Tom Gammill ...... 76 ity for this whole magazine. Arnie fi rst met your Gertrude’s Follies: “Heil Hitler and Coco Chanel!” intrepid editor over 25 years ago, and illustrated the cover of Mike’s ill-fated Puck, a humor maga- by Tom Hachtman & Sam Gross ...... 77 zine inserted inside college newspapers that was sort of a proto-Bystander. If not for Arnie and Caroline’s friendship and encouragement all oUr back PaGes those years ago, Mike might well have dropped Joan’s Other Kitchen by Brian McConnachie ...... 79 his peculiar obsession in favor of a more sensible P.S. Mueller Thinks Like This by P.S. Mueller ...... 81 line of work. So thanks you two — for everything. Chunk-Style Nuggets by Steve Young ...... 83 Know Your Bystanders by Hana Michels ...... 85 a c k n o cartoons & illUstrations by C. Barsotti, G. Booth, S. Brodner, M.K. Brown, R. Chast, D. Chelsea, J. Cuneo, J. C. Duffy, C. Edwards, R. Enos, L. Finck, D. Friedman, G. Gerber, S. Gross, T. Hachtman, C. Hankin, N. Jones, F. Katz, K. w l e D G Krimstein, S. Kroninger, P. Kuper, S. Lautman, S. Mack, P.S. Mueller, J. Oesterle, C. Shapan, M. Simonson, T. Toro and D. Watson. M e n t s All material is ©2017 its creators, all rights reserved; please do not reproduce or distribute it without written consent of the creators and The American Bystander. The following mate- rial has previously appeared, and is reprinted here with permission of the author(s): Stan Mack’s “Father Knows Best” fi rst appeared in The Village Voice. The illustration on page 29 is from Etienne Delessert’s book, The Seven Dwarfs. The Steve Brodner illustration on page 67 fi rst appeared in The Nation.

THE AMERICAN BYSTANDER, Vol. 2, No. 2, (978-0-692-98307-2). Publishes ~4x/year. ©2017 by Good Cheer LLC. No part of this magazine can be reproduced, in whole or in part, by any means, without the written permission of the Publisher. For this and other queries, email Publisher@ americanbystander.org, or write: Michael Gerber, Publisher, The American Bystander, 1122 Sixth St., #403, Santa Monica, CA 90403. Subscribe at www.patreon.com/bystander. Other info can be “We don’t need men. We can lick our own vaginas.” found at www.americanbystander.org.

6 d rEW FRIEDMAN

American Bystanders #3 N ewton Hooten

Plantar warts? HOT! Adult-onset Type I Diabetes? NOT. The left side of your body? HOT! The right side of your body? NOT. Cats? HOT! t h e Slightly bigger cats? NOT. Danny Kaye? HOT! Donald O’Connor? NOT. Post-Its? HOT! Little scraps of paper? NOT. Zoroastrianism? h o t HOT! Ancient Roman mystery religions? NOT. Sardinia? HOT! Nebraska? NOT. Ant farms? HOT! Philately? NOT. Polka dots? HOT! Sort of wavy lines? NOT. Serge Gainbourg’s demo of “Crazy Train”? HOT! The Thai national anthem? NOT. The Aztecs? HOT! The Olmecs? NOT. l i s t ONAR OUR R DA : Big shoulder pads…Barry Manilow…Going outside without a coat…Umlauts…Georgian cinema…Nervous giggling. 7 NEW YORK AS ONLY

CAN CAPTURE IT.

“A companion piece to E.B. White’s seminal Here is New York.” —CONDÉ NAST TRAVELER

“Will illuminate newcomers, [and] prompt old-timers to nod in recognition.” —LUC SANTE

“I love this book as much as one can love a book without getting arrested.” —PATRICIA MARX

ON SALE NOW!

8 FALL 2017 news & notes It’s prime time to see Bystanders in the fl esh. If, y’know, that’s your thing.

f you lurrve this Delessert’s new mag, meeting our collection of draw- Icontributors is the ings, Sbalzi d’Amore natural next step. Our (“Mood Swings,” for writers and artists are those of you whose vastly charming — college Italian is as certainly much more time-murked as mine). so than the dorks at Etienne’s work will be any other magazine — on display until De- Photo by brUce birnbaUM and with the holiday cember 9, 2017. If you season, many of By- go, send a picture.… stander’s Finest are Drew frieDMan’s brightly trotting from book Chosen People is place to place, fl ogging getting him in front of various projects. All crowds all over. As our of you within striking Patreon backers know, distance are heartily Drew appeared at one After I put out a call for “photos of your desk” (see the next page), Andy encouraged to show of my happy places, the Prieboy sent me this. Goddammit, you guys, I should’ve been a musician. your face, and tell them Strand bookstore, on you totally dig their stuff, man. Wednesday, November 15, interviewed by Friend of Bystander The preponderance of these events are in New York City, but Frank Santopadre. But if you live in Los Angeles, you’re as we continue to provide these listings, those of you in other still in luck: Saturday, December 2 at Book Soup in West towns will get your opportunity. Because we’re a quarterly, Hollywood, Drew will be appearing with fellow Bystander these are only a few of the events; the best way to keep abreast Merrill Markoe (I’ll be there, too, cowering in the crowd is to subscribe at www.patreon.com/bystander. We’ll post and pilfering small items). Since LA’s an early town, the events to our beloved Patrons as soon as we learn of them. event starts at 3:00 PM. Come, buy Drew’s book, and meet a bunch of us at once.…Back in New York, Peter kUPer will be discussing two projects, one old and one new. World War oUt anD aboUt: Illustrator ron barrett has a couple of 3 Illustrated has been fi ghting the good fi ght for 38 years — book signings coming up. On December 8, he’ll be at the Barnes Peter has co-edited that magazine since 1979. His new baby, & Noble in Yonkers, NY, signing books from 6:00-8:00 PM. The Opp Art, is a joint-venture with The Nation; Peter’s part of following day, Ron will be at the Galapagos Bookstore Fair, in a ruling troika that also includes Bystander stalwart Steve the Community Centre of Hastings-on-Hudson, NY, from noon Brodner and Andrea Arroyo. Peter’s talk will be at the SVA to 6:00 PM.… Now this is an intersting venue: a retrospective of Amphitheater, Tuesday, December 5, from 7:00-10:00 PM; it’s r.o. blechMan’s work will be on display from December 16 to at 209 East 23rd Street, Room 311. If you’re alarmed about June 16 in the lobby of 157 Columbus Avenue in NYC. Tbere’s what’s going on today (and how could you not be?), Peter’s a reception on December 15, from 6:00-8:00 PM. Anyone talk is the place for you. interested in attending the reception should RSVP to either eVan the Brodsky Organization (212-315-5555), or Landmark West waite (212-496-8110). Bob says it’s a very innovative display, and the hoMe front: Those of us working from home tend since it’s a lobby, it’s open evenings as well as the daytime.… to bond especially strongly with our pets. Case in point: Sir We’re right in the middle of the big GeorGe booth exhibition Corwin the Beautiful Dog-Faced Dog, Brindled Beast of Sylmar, at the Society of Illustrators, 128 East 63rd Street in New York unable to climb stairs because of aging hips, requires Dylan City. The space is great — I was there in June for the Jack broDy and his wife (whose name escapes him at the moment) ZieGler memorial — and if you like Bystander, you’ll love to take alternate nights sleeping downstairs. This is no great this brownstone crammed with framed illustrations. The retro- sacrifi ce as their marriage has reached the point at which spective is curated by J.J.. Sedelmaier, a cherished subscriber one suggests sex and other says what time it is… In lieu of whose name you might remember from a little show called humanizing her exes by using their Christian names, MeGan SNL.…Those of you in Milan, Italy, are heartily encouraged to koester has begun referring to them as her “loathesome con- darken the door of Galleria Nuages and check out etienne quests,” e.g., “My loathesome conquest is still dating the girl

9 from Orange County he cheated on me with while we were married.”…SJAME where tHE magic happens. FINNG Arner had his first short play, Locavores, about a trendy cannibalistic restaurant, produced in the Chicago 1 area in August. To celebrate, he de- 7 camped north to Wisconsin, where he promptly caught eight of the fattest 8 9 bluegills Prong Lake has ever seen. But you’ll have to take his word for it; 5 3 4 because he was fishing with a bunch 10 2 of whiners, he didn’t keep and clean them, and was forced to eat hot dogs for dinner.…You want a glimpse behind the curtain? P. S. Mueller is happy to oblige. “As the voice of Onion Radio News anchor/savant Doyle Redland for over 20 years, I still put on a brown suit and hat before recording him.” Imagining this delights me. “I draw more cartoons than I should,” Pete says, “for probably the same reason that bees make more honey than they 6 need.”…ron barrett cheerily shares the following: “Home Is a Sewer is the This issue’s Magic comes from cartoonist Nick Spooner,who provided the title of a book I’m designing and illus- following key. “The skeleton (1) has an interesting history. It’s over 100 years trating. Written as a humorous memoir old and is remarkably well-assembled. There are felt cushions wherever car- and how-to by immortal copywriter tilage once was (between the vertebrae, phalanges, knees, etc.) and the lower David Altschiller, it recalls every game mandible is hinged, with a string attached so you can puppeteer the jaw to you played as a kid that kids don’t play ‘speak.’ It came from an Odd Fellows hall, and apparently was part of some any more, from stickball to Johnny-on- sort of initiation ritual. The teeth are uncannily perfect, which indicates an the-Pony.” I’d buy that book, Ron. Also, individual of great wealth and health. Oh yeah...it also has all of the desiccated random fact I just learned from Gilbert ribcage cartilage still attached from rib to sternum. It’s a really odd specimen. Gottfried’s Amazing Colossal Podcast: “The Ibis (2) is a totem of the Harvard Lampoon; it represents the Egyptian Know who is really good at stickball? god Thoth, god of wisdom, knowledge and writing. I took it as partial payment Comedian Richard Lewis.… Tucked for an advertising job I shot in Australia once. underneath Robert Moses’ roaring The taxidermed hippo foot/ashtray (3) is from the collection of Teddy BQE, JS AME Folta is celebrating the Roosevelt (don’t ask how I obtained it). I also have ostrich feet candlesticks release of his latest satirical project (4), and a South American vampire bat (5). The two-headed calf (6) on the about the weasel from Wisconsin, Paul floor is real — not a ‘gaffe.’ Ryan Magazine. Looking forward to The B&W photo on the wall (7) shows me with Malcolm Forbes at the seeing it, James.… andrew barlow party celebrating our Forbes 400 parody at the Lampoon Castle in ’90. He reports that he went into the city, got “Weinsteined” me all night long. There are two Lampoon medals (8) hanging back to Brooklyn, then bought three from an original ‘Pizz’ piece of art (9) in the center. Stephen Pizzuro was “Buy Two, Get One Free” Payday bars an amazing underground/cartoon artist from LA, who passed away a few at the Rite Aid, before remembering years ago. When we were in a show together with Big Daddy Roth and Robert he had moved from Brooklyn to Man- Williams, I traded him a sculpture of mine for the piece. hattan. “I’m joking,” he writes, “I live My favorite thing of all in this photo is the ceramic bowl (10) next to the in Queens.” For those of our readers skull on the table. It’s a rare piece of ‘Pollutoware’ by American ceramic who didn’t go to college, Payday is the master Kenneth Price, who was a family friend. I’m terrified one of my kids peanuts, nougat and caramel candy will break it.” bar, and it’s mentioned in a “Cheech and Chong” skit. Here’s what we think it; you’re just taking credit for other he checked in with us, pr aul lande Andrew did next: he ate one Payday, people’s work!” Am I right? Classic. “I has been retweeted three more times slept from about 6:30 P.M. to 3:30 A.M., thought it was Buy One, Get Two Free,” by Judd Apatow. He now has over 41K then ate the other two Paydays. We’re he adds, italics ours. “No, I didn’t!”, he Twitter followers, which, Paul reports, just teasing. Andrew did not submit a then continues, clearly a joke to flaunt impressed everyone he told while blurb. “Yes, I did,” he adds. “This is his mega-bucks.…Since the last time waiting on line at the local Costco.

10 11 A grIM Féte BY NICK DOWNES ARK CARNIVAL DTwenty-five tickets get you a baby piranha in a bowl.

“Then, business is bad all over.” “Dad, I want to go on THAT ride!”

NICKD Ownes lives like a troll under the Coney Island boardwalk. 12 “If anything happens, Janice, I love you.” “It’s just like she said it would happen.”

“Pretentious little place, isn’t it?”

“Pull over and let me drive — you’re too drunk to hit anyone.”

13 STAFF G allimaufry “In the restless voice of dissent lies the key to a nation’s vitality and greatness.” J. Paul Getty

All About Eve — This film would have subside after all men in room agree cassil c been perfect if the title character had woman who testified on stand was woe- capsules been named Kirsten! fully mistaken, unaccountable. The Best Years of Our Lives — Alcohol The Wizard of Oz — Wandering woman returns. nicely completes suburban husband. finally comes to her senses, realizes [Classic Capsules returns to these Father of the Bride — Wholly unbe- every place except home sucks. pages after a yearlong hiatus by the lievable tale in which overly educated, —Ron Hauge reviewer, who thanks his devoted blowhard father never quotes from readers for their kind understanding Latin books he knows his future son- during his separation and divorce.] in-law has never read during dinner Tump r GonE! Bride of Frankenstein — Uncommu- scenes; future bride never delivers Trump nicative, “dead inside” woman thinks tearful monologue in parents’ kitchen she can do better than man she was while waving steak knife. triumphant! clearly made for, then ruins everything Bonnie and Clyde — Shrill sister-in- trump all for everybody. law invites herself along on couple’s Gone With the Wind — Belle with road trip. caps! many boyfriends makes party dress I emailed. The Invisible Man — Accomplished, her priority during wartime. Spoiler: Someone else emailed. dapper professional goes unseen by Southern gentleman dodges deadliest I emailed to remind you that I and woman he loves, others. bullet in film’s final moments. that other person had emailed. The Time Machine — Inventor squan- King Kong — Overrated “beauty” fails YES: Experts have told us that short ders opportunity to revisit Kirsten’s to connect with unshaven, “too real” sentences get attention. 2013 office Christmas party, punch Earl adorer. They convey URGENCY. Webb in throat while he dances his Twelve Years a Slave — Predictably, the URGENCY that may trick you into stupid dork dance. magic wears off after the first two years. reading an email eerily similar to the Twelve Angry Men — Hostilities The Elephant Man ones you’ve gotten — Newly freed-up every day for the past bachelor charms all year. despite being “not one An email that’s of the studliest guys in written for a third- town.” grade reading level, It’s a Wonderful Life­ — because while we’re Distraught, hard-luck sure most Trump husband fantasizes he supporters are stu- never existed; only no- pid, we’re convinced ticeable changes in wife that many of you are are that she fulfills her stupid, too. “workplace dream,” That sentence was stops plucking eye- probably too long brows. and complicated. Citizen Kane — SORRY. Known publishing I’ll be blunt: We figure, terribly off-key need to raise A LOT singer, feud. of money in the next Sunset Boulevard — 12 HOURS, or an Seasoned writer, terri- arbitrary amount of bly delusional woman, money won’t have feud. been raised by an ar-

14 tificial deadline. Money that presumably will be used to do some good somewhere, but you’ll never know. Why am I asking now? Well, did you see the NEWS? Trump is ENRAGED! He’s RED-FACED AND SPLUTTERING with fury! Because we’re WINNING! Yet at the same time, we’re LOSING and TRUMP IS VICTORIOUS! He’s LAUGHING AT US! At YOU! We defi- nitely need more money either way! If you donate JUST ONE DOLLAR by midnight, it will be quintuple-sex- tuple-septuple-octuple matched TO ALMOST INFINITY by rich people who are generous only when people like you do something very close to meaningless. “Are you completely naked now?’” Frankly, I need you to step up NOW. But don’t think that donating will get yourself at the beer stand just before you off the hook, because we’ll be A LIFE. noon and you’ll witness fireworks, as a back with another email almost im- fanatical Arizona Cardinals fan throws mediately. I have eaten the hot dog of the side- raw hamburger meat at a bronze bust Somehow the fund-raising experts walk vendor; of Robert Downey Jr. Dwight Eisen- don’t think this will sicken you. I have been in houses made of brick; hower arrives to shout instructions. I’ll be clear: Something is happen- I have owned a paisley tie; Bits of pistachio fly from his mouth ing on an ongoing basis that requires I have lived. as he screams his invectives, and the urgent responses continuously, as the —Alan Goldberg football fan occasionally dabs himself situation becomes simultaneously clean with a blue bandanna. Late in bleaker and more hopeful. the afternoon, near the footbridge a Simply put, the stakes have never THE NEW YORK fundamentalist Muslim, an evangelical been higher, except for yesterday, and DADA FESTIVAL. Southern Baptist and an Orthodox Jew several hundred days before that! Everybody knows that at the end of play kitty whist without rancor, until BOTTOM LINE: If we succeed in summer the New York Renaissance Odin and Freya arrive in Thor’s char- raising the arbitrary amount of money Festival closes up its tents and its iot to bury them in a massive pile of by the artificial deadline, we can claim dunking booths, and the caravan of the soft cotton shoes of Chinese work- that the Republicans are STUNNED. cube trucks pulls out of Tuxedo’s Ster- ers. While the zealots are played by Then we’ll announce that the Re- ling Forest. Everyone does not know talented but underpaid NY actors, the publicans are REDOUBLING THEIR what happens the following week: representatives of the Norse pantheon EFFORTS and we’ll come back to you Oblong banners, emblazoned with play themselves, and their entrance for another dollar tomorrow, but for a the iconic bowler-hat-and-scorpions- alone is worth the price of admission. few pleasant hours we can all feel like rampant, snap in the wind, announc- At the very end of each festival day, we did something. ing the arrival of the less popular, but the entire cast and audience gathers Oh, and if it would add to the feeling equally entertaining, New York Dada for “the grand finale.” Several clowns that you’re doing something, we have Festival. emerge, without makeup and dressed A PETITION you can sign that almost Like its Elizabethan predecessor, in polo shirts and casual slacks; they certainly won’t be delivered to anyone. the Dada Festival opens each day incant, in the solemn hollow tones of Or, check out our childish “Do You with a ceremonial parade. This pa- Gregorian monks, the week’s gains Approve of Trump?” poll with A COL- rade features nuns and midgets who and losses for the 10 most widely ORFUL RECTANGLE TO CLICK. march, skip and caper to the sound of traded mutual funds. A swarm of ex- So, can I count on your support a traditional Dada band: three tubas, quisitely painted bees is released. A NOW, or at least in a few hours when I 17 mariachi guitarists and a weeping spandex-clad plumber prods a dog send the next email? schoolgirl dragging a cello. with an old television antenna, and Chief Fund-Raiser, Throughout the day, roaming mem- when the dog’s bark resembles a word, The Democratic Constant bers of the improvisational cast meet that night’s revelry comes to an end. Email Committee up to interact in loosely structured When you make plans to attend the —Steve Young scenes and spectacular events. Find festival, you would be well advised to

15 pack your own lunch; the sausage ven- Regard the elk — he is free, proud, animal’s antlers for up to seven months. dor offers only calumny and despair. defiant, outrageous. The creature now The sportsman flees. So? Fleeing was The pancake stand gives off a delight- strains beneath a globe, in addition to the idea. ful aroma, but all you can buy is an the baroque embellishments endowed It is here that I choose to bring up the opportunity to squirt syrup at a card- by nature. This brute apparently be- subject of rams. You rams think you’ve board cutout of Sean Spicer. At three lieves that, what with his embellish- got it pretty good, don’t you? A globe squirts for a dollar it’s worth doing, ments, he is superior to the average doesn’t fit in your mighty, spread-apart but the obvious emotional satisfaction human. We, of course, know that he is horns! Life’s good? You happy, rams? won’t fill your belly. not. The animal doesn’t know that we You comfy? Can I get you more soda? The ad men got it absolutely right on know! But now it is clear, now that a Wait, what???!!!!! Well, rams, I have this one. When you see the posters in well-placed globe enlightens the animal. got a surprise for you: We’re going to the subways and on the buses urging Do you think that you are superior to a duct-tape globes of Earth to your horns. you to “Come for the eels; stay for the human, O encumbered elk? How can Let’s see how that treats you. Let us see melancholy dissolution of the political one behold you, with your outlandish how you like it. substructure,” heed the call. You have aggrandizements, and not laugh in It’s a new sport we call duct-taping. this reviewer’s assurance, you won’t be human-life-affirming misery? Yesterday, as I unpacked some leftover flambé!” The outdoorsman arrives. His caribou custom-made globes and one of those —Dylan Brody is uncooperative, unyielding, intrac- jigsaw puzzles of the U. S. states, left table, defiant. The outdoorsman puts over from an unsanctioned Canadian down his pack. He pretends to admire antlering expedition I took, I found that NATURE’s the caribou’s antlers, all while opening I had received a threatening letter from GLOBE-STAND. his pack. The caribou blushes for the some rams: Heedless men are now braving snow, outdoorsman’s ruse and even lowers A LETTER FROM THE RAMS sleet, slush, ice, hail, icy mix and (sadly) his emotional guard. The outdoorsman Raaaaaaaaaaaaaams! Hello, humans. unseasonably warm tundra to exalt hu- removes from his pack a 45-inch-diame- A globe doesn’t fit in our mighty, manity via a little-known pastime. The ter model of his beloved Earth. Caribous spread-apart horns! We see ourselves sport is called antlering, and game play don’t love Earth. as especially appropriate animals to advances as follows: a participant stalks There are a plethora of difficulties speak up for our deer, caribou, moose, a deer, elk, antelope, moose, or caribou with antlering, and myriad antlering elk, and antelope buddies. We’re comfy. and implants a globe of Earth atop the traditions, but the usual goal is to have We’ve got it good. So, too, should other animal’s horns. North America facing forward. The animals. Also, what was up with this All of the game’s majesty is right now outdoorsman places the globe on the letter? You admitted to maltreatment apparent to the reader. It is said by animal’s head, making sure that North of us, in a missive: outdoorsmen “the antlers are nature’s America is facing forward. Smash it in! “Dear rams, Man, I love one-upping globe-stand.” This globe will stay embedded in the animals. I have sniffed a skunk’s tail, I have thrown my feces at an ape, I have low-balled a skunk, I have sold an opossum a bill of goods, I have backhand-complimented a fox, I have done other bad things to a skunk, and I have worn fake feathers within range of several reportedly very arrogant pea- cocks. I invented antlering and duct- taping.” I was livid. I mean, who do they think they are, sheep? Oh, I’ll get to the sheep. In conclusion, there is a rumor going around that I have antlers. I do not have antlers! How dare you! I am not an antler animal! What is the meaning of this?! This is an outrage! Help me! Help me! Who do you think you are?! I’ll have you know that I do not appreciate this! You’ll be hearing from my lawyer! Why, oh, why, oh, why did I ever as- sociate with animals that have antlers? Why?????????? —Andrew Barlow “I preferred Season 3.’”

16 onhe t rdminn e e ons. —Sarah Booth naugahyde. there are no atheists in my dentist’s ll this writing has let loose some of my inner demons. chair A Out of their cages they are messing and mucking about I stretch out full length throwing shit around the room and hiding things I need that’s right, the whole 5 foot 6 of me They mention in passing things I wish kept quiet and he straps me in openly talk to me of particularly drunken behavior black jeans ride up on bright blue which I’d chew my leg off to get away from if I could. socks Now, I’m running around chasing down these bastards “Some people are making a fashion to get them back in their cage. statement; I’m asking a fashion question” ut, Maybe they too need some time off his pretty hygienist smiles B from turning circles in their jails, the dizzy chasing of tails, “You’re funny” and from banging cups against the bars she should hear me sometime when reminding me they’re still there. I’m not screaming Often the light of day isn’t enough to diminish their power his gloved finger dipped in slush and once I get them back in place squeaks across my tooth, with something to chew on, strokes my gum I know it’s only a little time before my words lift their latches I hardly even know the man once again. my lips fade to black here come da looong needle I think we’ll argue politics later stab once stab twice guess who can feel again shock drains me white I sweat I sit up I decide not to faint I’m not a wimp I just can’t stand pain but I got the bastard back: if cash were saliva I couldn’t spit and my PPO don’t cover shit. —Paul Guay MAROonED. There I sat, under a single palm tree, with a 360-degree aquatic vista. But my salvation was sitting right there with me. A New Yorker car- in some hilarious way. Arch, dry, even weep. We’d never be rescued. toonist. Who better to know all the obscure could still get the job done. Suddenly, my partner’s face bright- angles of our predicament? Here The hours passed. His silence ened, and his pen sprang to life. was someone who’d spent hours of disturbed me. We could die on this He wrote notes, roughed sketches, his career on this exact problem! rock. Rescuers would find a pair of smirked and giggled. Wiping the tears Stuck in the Everglades, I’d want skeletons on the beach, one pulling from my sunburned face, I stole a peek. Bear Grylls. Stuck on a desert island his hair out, one staring at the Two dogs at a job interview. Every — I’d want a one-panel cartoonist. ocean holding a pen and notebook. page. My profession certainly wouldn’t I paced the island to get a grip. What else could I do but blud- tell me how to, say, use a blender On Trip 73, a revelation came: My geon him with a coconut and burn that washed up on shore. Or build partner was using this all for inspira- his notebook for a signal fire? None a raft out of fingernail clippings. Or tion, plumbing it for new material. I too soon, a cruise ship saw the use the palm tree for sexual release. could get angry — or I could help. So flame and rescued me. I told them It didn’t start well. When I asked him I acted out every gag I could think of: everything, too exhausted to lie. for ideas how we might get out of this, bowled with coconuts, spelled SOS in When I was done, the captain pursed he was downright chilly. “I get paid for the sand but in Morse code, cracked his lips and grew thoughtful. Finally, that,” he said, and stared at the horizon. wise with the sharks circling our island. he drawled: “Dogs at a job interview? I didn’t lose heart. Creativity is never It was all no good; the guy just stared, That’s pretty funny.” linear. And I wasn’t prepared to be nibbling his Rapidograph. Spent, I —James Finn Garner picky; I wasn’t demanding he save us slumped on the sand and started to

17 his predecessor having been — and sations of your legs as they move, fully miduln f ness remaining — more famous than him, experiencing the crunch of gravel un- for beginners. since what he ultimately desires — im- derfoot. If your mind begins to wander, Mindfulness is a practice that has been possible, forever elusive — is neither try anchoring your concentration to a cultivated for millennia as a means of the title nor the power but the nation’s single narrative thread by listening to living more fully in the present moment. eyes and ears. The coverage from all a podca— When you are mindful, you recognize angles. Universal adoration. That some- your own thoughts and feelings, but do where inside his fragile, arrested ego not react to them impulsively the way is an airtight logical proof: If he’s the you would if you were “on autopilot” top guy, everybody below has to look or “the president.” up to him. And then the campaign Awaken Your Senses rally walk-ons to the theme from the Bring fresh, filtered water to a boil and 1997 Harrison Ford political action- allow to cool slightly. Pour over a Tazo thriller Air Force One make a kind of Organic Zen or Calm Chamomile teabag sad, dumb sense: He’ll never rise to nestled inside your favorite mug and the level of presidential, but he can let steep for 2-3 minutes. Maintain the achieve the look. He can be president resolve that at this time you have no the way he’s seen it in the movies, just other duties or responsibilities. Accept like he played a businessman on TV. whatever arises in your awareness each Notice this mental drift. Remark to moment. Notice each sight, touch, and yourself: “Thinking has just occurred” sound so that you savor every sensa — not as judgment but as a neutral obser- vation, and return to your breathing and environment. But then remember that back-to-back hurricanes ravaged Texas, Florida and the Caribbean while —or perhaps an audioboo— San Francisco experienced a record- breaking heat wave and wildfires raged in the Pacific Northwest. So maybe let’s Add whiskey. Abandon plans of going limit “environment” to mean the room to the gym later. Stare at Twitter, you’re currently in. aghast and indignant, as hours vanish. Take a Shower Recognize that this is not the same as Rid your mind of plans, fantasies and reaching the state of deep immersion attempts to relitigate the 2016 elec- psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi tion. Focus your attention instead on famously termed “flow.” It is more akin the smell of the lavender body wash, to a binge: self-destructive, harmful the sensation of the warm water as to your physical and emotional well- you lather your skin. In here, there being. Set down your phone and repeat are no notifications. No speculation to yourself as a mantra: We are in a about whether today is the day Donald prolonged state of national emergency. Trump finally became president. This Focus on Your Breathing is your haven: far off the beaten path, a The cornerstone of mindfulness lush tropical Hawaiian waterfall acces- is observing your breath without sible only by foot, or by North Korean trying to control or suppress it. intercontinental ballistic missile. Feel your breath move in and out and Embrace each feeling and sensation —you know what, just use the head- notice how your abdomen expands. Let as it occurs: the chill of cool air; goose- phones to stop your ears, like Odysseus your awareness of everything else fall bumps pimpling up; crippling fear of fending off the Sirens’ alluring song. away. As you inhale and exhale, say to nuclear annihilation. Whether those As thoughts arise, let them go. Do not yourself: “Breathing in, I have arrived, thoughts are good or bad is unimport- become unduly concerned over how breathing out, I am home” or “breathing ant. Refrain from humming the first few it’s bound to get much worse before it in, willingness to collude, breathing out, bars of “Rocket Man” and gently bring improves. If it improves. If irreparable obstruction of justice.” yourself back to your breath. harm hasn’t already been done to our Distracting thoughts will naturally Take a Walk core institutions and values, or, even arise — sometimes a great many Walking is an easy way to incorporate more perilous, to our environment. thoughts, overlapping one to the next, mindfulness into your day and provides How the wheels of justice turn at a like how this is perhaps all the result bodily exercise as well as ample time to glacial pace — which, incidentally, is of the current president fuming over reflect. Bring your attention to the sen- an analogy we’ll soon need to update

18 — meaning there will be no quick fix, like, super-common. I thought pencils hole.” He found a new place and started no deus ex machina or smoking gun. used lead, but it turns out that’s a very successful landscaping busi- How, ultimately, we are in for three more graphite. You don’t have any lead, do ness, and now he won’t return my calls. agonizing, apoplectic years with only the you? I could really use some gold. As a wizard, I have the power to travel fleeting joy of new seasons of Stranger This way to my library! It is filled wherever I please. I need only cast a Things — until he taints that, too, with with ancient tomes that contain the spell of invisibility and sneak into my fiery comments on the 2018 Emmys. arcane wisdom of the ages. Do you neighbor’s house and steal his bus pass. Try Again in 2020 dare peruse The Book of Choronzon, If you, a mortal, wish to cool your Ask yourself: Do I truly desire to live whose pages hold the secret to unlock- beverage, you must put water in a tray, more fully in this particular present ing your inner magickal potential? It’s put the tray in a freezer, and then wait moment? in the self-help section, next to The hours before your cubes of ice are —Jeff Albers Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. I’m working ready! Pathetic! Look on in amaze- on being less self-conscious about ment as I, a wizard, simply cast a spell doing magic in front of other people. of cup-making, then a spell of aqua- beh old my The mystic art of shape shifting apparition, then a spell of freezing, wizard powers! allows a wizard to appear in many dif- then a spell of cup-disappearance, Welcome to my wizard lair! I have many ferent guises; I can take on the form which leaves me a chunk of coldest wonders to show you. You desire a dem- of a lion, or an eagle, or a pizza de- wizard ice! I then smash the wizard onstration of my skill in the magickal livery guy. If you ever see me around ice into pieces with my hands, and use arts? Very well. Behold as I cast a spell town delivering pizza, remember: a spell of ice-into-drink to magickally of levitation! Ha! Your puny mortal It’s just a magickal disguise I use to transport the ice chunks into my Fanta. mind reels as you watch me hover fully steal pizzas. Don’t listen to anyone Though my powers are immense, two or three feet above the ground. who says I need to work a second job. some things are beyond magick. There Using this arcane power, I can get Did you see how fast I chugged is no spell a wizard can use to make things down from high shelves, easily that beer, mortal? That’s not a woman fall in love with him, or go avoid stepping in puddles, and almost magick; I’m just good at chugging on a date with him, or even just stop slam-dunk a basketball but not quite. beers. Okay fine, it is magick. I lied laughing at his beard. Technically I could levitate higher but because I want you to think I’m cool. Going so soon? Fair enough — mas- I don’t because I’m afraid of heights. Mow the lawn? Bah! A wizard need tering the mystic arts is not for the Be careful: Things in a wizard’s house never mow his own lawn. I have a faint of heart. But before you take your are never quite what they seem. That demonic familiar who attends to all leave, I must entrust to you a letter mirror is a portal into the realm of the such menial tasks around my wizard upon which my very fate depends. faeries; that seemingly humble rug is a lair. The reason my grass is so tall is Treat this letter with the utmost care, wondrous flying carpet; and that fish because my demon familiar moved out. mortal, for it contains a check to pay mounted on the wall can sing. It is not He said I was “a crappy roommate” and my gas bill. You can just drop it in the a Big Mouth Billy Bass. I enchanted that he “couldn’t bear living in this shit- mailbox down the street. I would do it that fish to make it so that it can sing and also live outside of water. I didn’t know that Big Mouth Billy Basses were a thing when I caught the fish and cast the spells. If I did it again I would probably choose a different animal. And also a song other than “Don’t Worry Be Happy.” Gaze into my crystal ball. With it, I can pierce the veils of time and space, and see events unfolding on the other side of the world, and things that have been, and things that will be, and also into my neighbor’s apart- ment so I can watch TV for free when he leaves it on during the day for his dog. I can’t change the channel, sorry. With my wizardly knowledge of alchemy, I can transmute lead into gold! The only thing is, I don’t know where to get lead. Gold is “I pledge allegiance to this flag / that I made myself by pretty rare, but lead is also not, hand / in order to be able to do this again.’”

19 myself, but I don’t want to run into my it,” said Tojo, who later wrote a series praying, but right now time is of the neighbor. He wants his bus pass back. of children’s books about bullying. essence. Thousands of people are —Luke Burns Over in Germany, the results were going to die if we don’t do something!” even more marked. From the moment “Darn it, would you calm down? America’s mighty thoughts and prayers When did ‘doing something’ ever help theirst f sons. were unleashed, Hitler’s Reich began anybody?” Before the mayor could The minds of these first sons should to crumble. Tanks stopped; planes answer, President Bush grabbed his certainly worry us turned back; soldiers tossed their rifles hands; almost immediately Nagin Their psyches, so feeble and fragile into the river and headed home to be felt a surge of warmth within him. and furious with their parents and sweethearts. They bowed their heads…and on And I think, were an analyst ever to All across Mitteleuropa, the locks on the television across the room they probe the concentration camps sprung open. heard the weatherman report that It is likely he’d find a Leopold AND a Manna fell from heaven. Hitler’s heart the storm had suddenly and inex- Loeb was transformed; he went on the radio plicably changed course. “I’ve never Though much LESS intellectually expressing his deep embarrassment seen anything like it — Katrina’s actu- curious! and humbly asking everyone’s forgive- ally reversing!” the man said, voice —Lance Hansen ness. Thus the world met the man high with disbelief. “It’s heading back we now call “the Gandhi of Europe.” where it came, out to sea, where it Great moments Thanks to these thoughts and can never harm anyone ever again!” prayers, Americans were credited There was still a lot of rain, but the in thoughts with saving the world, and Nazis collective love and faith amongst the and prayers. were never heard of again. Espe- people strengthened the levees as if The chamber was silent as President cially not in Charlottesville, Va. from within. When the water receded, Roosevelt spoke. “Yesterday, December New Orleans stood as lush and gleaming 7, 1941,” he said, “a date which will live As Hurricane Katrina approached as ever. Soon, the residents emerged in infamy, the United States of America the Louisiana coast, New Orleans from their homes. The white residents was suddenly and deliberately attacked Mayor Ray Nagin burst into the Oval earnestly and respectfully sought out by naval and air forces of the Empire Office. “Mr. President, you have to food and water, always waiting their turn of Japan. Which is why I come before do something! It’s a Category 5!” and using only proper channels, while you today, to ask for your thoughts President Bush put down his all the black residents looted stores like and prayers during this difficult time.” remote and looked thoughtfully out the dickens, because, well, you know. Congress erupted — but the presi- the window, where a fine drizzle fell FEMA Director Mike Brown was given a dent stood firm. “No, no,” he said. upon the White House lawn. This raise and a promotion, for being so pro- “Now’s not the time to talk of de- was not the first major crisis of his active in emergency management as to claring war.” We must remember actually make emergency management Hanson Hukup Hanson presidency…but instead of jumping the victims, the brave soldiers and to action, as he had been so willing to unnecessary. The whole department sailors who died at Pearl Harbor.” do after 9/11, Bush thought now about was abolished, and Brown’s duties were “But wouldn’t they want us the wisdom of his predecessors. “How given to a select panel of clergymen. to stop the Japanese most of about we take a moment to pray?” all?” a congressman yelled. “Sir,” Nagin responded, exasper- America watched in horror as a white “We can’t know what they might ated, “there’s nothing wrong with man who was definitely not a terrorist, want,” FDR said. “All we know is the because this was not a terrorist act, Japanese have attacked us. The Nazis because I already told you he’s white, have taken over most of Europe. And, I murdered nearly 60 of his fellow citizens. wasn’t planning on telling you this, but As the nation cried out for action, there’s also a genocide going on. So I ask wondering just what kind of country you, members of Congress, and all good America had become, and why people of this country, to join me right nowhere else seems to have to put up now in thinking really, really hard about with this endless, pointless bloodshed, how you wish all this stuff would stop.” hundreds of politicians mustered up The thoughts and prayers worked. the courage to do what they knew Within a week, the entire Japanese High they must: They headed for Twitter. Command had realized the error of its These good, fine public servants ways and retreated back to the home with certainly no ties to lobbying islands. But that wasn’t good enough groups or gun manufacturers who to satisfy Emperor Hirohito, who im- actually profit from rampages like mediately sacked them all and threw this one, generated so many thoughts the top men into prison. “I deserve and prayers that Jesus was awoken

20 stan mack’s chronicles

in heaven from a dead sleep. “I guess “Don’t mention it,” Jesus replied. gress applauded, and Mike Pence cried. it’s time,” he said, putting on his Then Jesus walked to Capitol Hill Riding his golden palomino, Flash, his sandals. Descending on a slide made and addressed Congress. “I came down long brown locks blowing in the wind, of rainbows, Jesus literally stepped after I heard all your thoughts and Jesus threw all America’s guns into a out of heaven and returned to earth. prayers,” He explained. “But I guess volcano, where they melted down, re- He walked slowly from door to I’m a little confused. You guys are con- turning essential elements to the earth. door, and gun owners, stunned into stantly passing laws in my name — you Trees sprouted spontaneously from the silence, handed over all firearms know, about abortion and gay marriage nutrient-rich soil. No one was ever shot without question. “Thank you for not and whatnot. So I don’t get why you again. All politicians were spontaneous- politicizing this issue, Mr. Christ,” they couldn’t pass laws about guns? But ly given Medals of Honor and re-elected. said, voices quavering with emotion. whatever, I guess I’m here now.” Con- The thoughts and prayers answered,

21 Jesus went back to heaven. He had a you wish you could do it all over. Some- back to your parents’ car. Hell, they little trouble getting back to sleep, but times you wish you could start again do live in a limousine. eventually nodded off. in a town where you don’t owe the —Osman Siddique —Laura Galaviz mayor money. & Michael Gerber Overdraft notices. Student loan debt. A $20 late fee from renting Suburban arue t pATRIot Tas h nk , but Commando. The system is rigged stands for against you, and there’s nothing you the anthem. no thanks. can do to change it. You tried, but In honor of Hugh Hefner, here are some there’s only so many times you can period. captions I’ve written through the years chain yourself to a mail truck. America is the greatest country in that I submitted for potential Playboy Wanted for a murder you didn’t the world. And that’s why, when the cartoons. They were all rejected. commit. Convicted of an arson that national anthem starts playing before • “I’ve heard of Secret Santa, but this wasn’t even fun. Jailed for a crime you a sporting event, I stand with my hand is ridiculous!” only helped videotape. Society is out over my heart, facing the flag, contem- • “The strap on your backpack is to get you. The economy is out to get plating the greatness of this country. broken, Miss Andrews. You’ll need a you. The news is out to get you. If you As the game progresses, I continue new one! A new backpack, that is!” don’t act now, it might be too late. standing with my hand over my heart, • “Miss Hendricks! I can’t believe you Remember high school? Remember facing the flag. If other fans yell “sit reported me to HR!” Saturday morning cartoons? Remem- down!” because they can’t see the • “I’ve heard of the search for intel- ber when your 11-year-old brother action, I think about how they don’t ligent life, but this is ridiculous!” died? Remember that issue of Hustler love the country like I do. If they did, • “Jenkins! Your wife is really some- that made you cry? Did anything ever they’d be standing, with the anthem thing! But you are nothing! Nothing.” really happen or is everything just a playing in their heads. If punches • “These cookies aren’t done. I’ll have story you tell yourself to help you fall are thrown, I don’t care; this is about to put them back in the oven for a asleep? basic values, right and wrong. Don’t few...minutes!” Earthquakes, machine guns, cleans- even get me started on the players. • “May I — ? Can I — ? Oh, I’m afraid ing ethnic people. Everywhere you If they truly loved this country, they to ask!” look, the world is in crisis. Everywhere wouldn’t be wasting their time playing • “I’ve heard of the dangers of leaving you look, you’re still losing your hair. the game that the troops fought for the flue closed when there’s a fire in Store brand soda. Generic cereal. their right to play. They’d be on their the fireplace, but this is ridiculous!” Knock-off crayons. Factory closures, feet, clothes torn, bleeding from the • “Well, unfortunately I don’t have liquidation sales, a law office inside an nose and mouth, respecting the flag. money to pay for the pizza. How ever old Long John Silver’s. Did living the After the game ends, I don’t leave shall I pay you back? Oh! Wait. My American Dream always mean giving and go to my car. I continue standing boyfriend has some cash, I think. Let away your dignity? and facing the flag, singing the words me get him. Hold on.” What does one do? Where does one to the anthem louder and louder as the • “Your play didn’t make a lot of sense go? There’s no shame in admitting stadium staff picks me up and deposits to me!” defeat. There’s no shame in moving me in the parking lot. Then, when it • “MapQuest led me here: to your becomes clear I have no intention of pants!” leaving the facility, they carry me to • “I’m starting to realize why my book- the first public thoroughfare outside of marked recipes in Epicurious keep the property line. Still I stand, facing disappearing!” the flag. No matter how far they move • “I’ve heard of mutually assured de- me, I remember where that Star-Span- struction, but this is verging on the gled Banner is. ridiculous!” When the sun rises the next day and —Dirk Voetberg it’s time for work, I ignore my boss’s cellphone calls. If I am fired, so be it. What’s more important: this country, i’m mov ng or my paycheck? As hunger gnaws at back to my my stomach, I do not move an inch. When I become lightheaded, I con- parents’ car. centrate on my love of the Stars and Your wife. Your kids. Your other kids. Stripes. People died for that flag, my Your teenage daughter’s third baby. friend. I do not call and ask my chil- Changing climate. Changing your dren how school was. I do not contact father-in-law’s diaper. Sometimes you my sister to find out if she’s still in a wish you could get away. Sometimes

22 fight with Dad. I do not concern myself with social and political issues or foot pain or what happened this week on Scandal. That’s how much I love America. When my wife shows up, tears in her eyes, asking why I don’t come home, I do not pause to turn and explain that I am home, that this is America, that if she doesn’t feel at home here maybe she should consider socialist Scandinavia. In my heart, I divorce her. I keep standing on my weaken- ing legs and struggle to keep my eyes open — red, white and blue flooding my rods and cones. When the TV crew comes, I do not “How much news will we be wanting this morning, sire?” stop to explain what I’m doing, or why. I sing the little-known second verse to myself and have faith that true patriots will understand. I disregard ously not “worthless.” It is common I cannot believe I have to say this, the so-called reporter’s biased ques- knowledge that every human being but on the advice of counsel, here it is: tions about “a sense of proportion” and contains roughly fifteen dollars in I do not honestly believe Ops should “mania” and “the completely intoler- chemicals. Not to mention lots of “kidnap schoolchildren and force them able odor of urine and feces, oh dear water which, in a sad commentary on to pack shipments.” That would be both lord it is awful.” What do you expect our stewardship of the environment, illegal, and result in costly errors. from the liberal media? becomes more precious each and every Finally, having apologized to those I After I collapse and slip into a coma, day. Ten percent of the world does not specifically admonished, I must address my mind continues the salute. The have access to clean drinking water. those divisions not mentioned in the anthem continues to play and Old That is much more worth your outrage email. Many of you have written that Glory blocks all else from my vision. than an obviously misdelivered email you feel “left out.” I do not know who my family is, what fired off after-hours by an overworked I can only say this: I will get you next I do, where I came from. I do not and underappreciated CEO. time. know my own name. I only know that Similarly, everyone in Marketing is —Lee Sachs I love America, and what I love about not “a writhing mass of backstabbing America is a flag and a song. snakes.” This doesn’t even make sense. —Jonathan Zeller How can a snake hold a knife, much america with less plunge it into someone? Perhaps this company-wide inability gun control: A AAPN OLOGY (or unwillingness) to distinguish fact Play in one act. I’d like to formally apologize to the from fiction is at the root of our recent ACT 1 entire company for the email I sent slide? I don’t know, I’m just spitballing. SCENE 1 earlier today. I did not mean to hit Obviously, our Research and Devel- MAN and WOMAN sit on a couch. “Reply All.” opment department should not neces- MAN: Were there any mass shootings Though some of you were offended, sarily be “amputated like a gangrenous today? I was merely communicating, in a limb.” Maybe we can spin them off as WOMAN: No. natural, human way, my overall frustra- a separate division which can function MAN: Excellent. tion with the direction of our business autonomously — somewhere far, far The MAN and WOMAN sit there, — just as someone might raise their away from the rest of us. Perhaps in a living. voice, or perhaps toss off a colorful multiverse, or some newly discovered WOMAN: Would you like to have in- phrase in the heat of the moment. Or exoplanet? tercourse? throw chairs across a conference room, It is clear that Operations did ev- MAN: Yes, I would like to have inter- or hurl a plate in the kitchen. And, just erything within their power to meet course. as we clean up shattered dishes and the deadline for our recent product WOMAN: Me, too. Let us begin the haul wrecked Aerons to the Dump- launch. But their “power” is, we all intercourse. ster out next to the loading dock, so must agree, roughly equivalent to an They have excellent intercourse. too must I own up to my intemperate ant under a magnifying glass burned BLACKOUT. speech. alive by focused sunlight. Maybe I’m —Zack Bornstein “Those assholes in biz dev” are obvi- overestimating a bit.

23 STREET SEEn. —Liza Donnelly

24

“Hilarious political science fiction... that fully delivers” — Geek.com

“A phantasmagorial burlesque” — Comics Beat

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“Kutner has a... cerebral vein of naked Swiftian satire running through his full-frontal lobe.” — The Washington Post

“CONAN” and “The Daily Show” writer Rob Kutner’s epic comedy of intergalactic warfare... inside the POTUS’ brain!

Buy it now at www.robkutner.com/shop or on ! cHARAcTER coUnTS BY ED SUBITZKY oUnG GeorGe washinGton “Hilarious political yDon’t believe ye lamestream media science fiction... that fully delivers” — Geek.com ather, I cannot tell a lie. I chopped down the Also, I made No. 2 on my teacher’s desk after he told me I cherry tree. had to take an exam again. “F Also, I’m the one who set the puppies and the Also, I tried to guess what Mary Smith’s breasts look like. kittens on fi re. Also, I asked Mary Smith if I could touch her breasts and Also, I copped a feel from Aunt Esmeralda while she was when she slapped me, I spit at her. “A phantasmagorial pouring tea. Also, when the Army marched through town, I paid them burlesque” Also, I gave Grandpa Arnold turpentine and told him it came to step on old lady Millicent. from your liquor cabinet. Also, I put a snake up Grandma Lucille’s nose after she — Comics Beat Also, I had sex with Cousin had passed out from laughing at Alice. Grandpa Oscar’s limp. Also, after Alice got sick, I Also, I wrote a dirty inscription had sex with her mule. in the family bible that involved Also, I shot your favorite a carrot. “Top notch… horse, cooked it and shared it Also, instead of churning the with the Indians. butter, I churned some little kid damn good and Also, I French-kissed a sala- from town whom I didn’t know. damn funny” mander just to see what it was Also, I asked Doc Jones if he like. knew how to remove a rolling — 411mania.com Also, I stole the money you pin from my large intestine. keep in the drawer and used Also, I stole his stethoscope it to buy funny-smelling ciga- so I could hear you and Mother rettes from a sailor. having sex through the wall. Also, sometimes I dress in Also, I went to the town library “Kutner has a... cerebral girls’ clothes when no one is and looked up all the dirty words looking. Uncle Preston uses. vein of naked Swiftian Also, I read Page 62 of Lady Also, I set up a bordello in the satire running through Chatterley’s Lover out loud to barn and overcharged Benjamin Mother. Franklin and Thomas Jefferson. his full-frontal lobe.” Also, I told Aunt Abigail that ranDall enos Also, I tried to stuff a hibernat- — The Washington Post my penis is bigger than a cu- ing bear into the outhouse. cumber. Also, I told little sister the bogeyman would get her and when Also, I performed bodily acts known only in China with she cried, I threw her out the window. various members of the militia. Also, instead of doing my homework after school, I hid Also, I tripped Old Man Burns while he was carrying eggs behind the haystack and tried to tickle a turtle. for the orphanage. Also, I fed a live rooster to a coyote and then looked at Also, I tied the school principal to a tree and pushed on him someone’s feet. until he passed gas. Also, when you said someday I might be president of the Also, I described my bodily functions in great detail to one country, I laughed so hard that I wet my pants all the way up of our slaves. to the drawstring. Also, on Sundays, I let the pastor do strange things to my Also, I chopped down an apple tree, too. ankles. And a pear tree. Also, I paid the old witch in the swamp to put a curse on In fact, I chopped down every tree I could fi nd anywhere.” the kids who laugh at my haircut. Also, I robbed the general store and made the owner try to “Son, I’m very proud of you for not telling a lie.” eat one of his saddles. “CONAN” and “The Daily Show” writer Rob Kutner’s epic comedy of intergalactic warfare... inside the POTUS’ brain! was a stalwart of The National Lampoon and its Radio Hour, and later appeared frequently eD sUbitZky on Letterman. Currently, he also contributes to The Journal of Consciousness Studies. Buy it now at www.robkutner.com/shop or on ! 27 nEFARIoUS BY LARS KENSETH he Details of My escaPe tI am always two steps ahead of you. Or maybe three.

reetings from nowhere. It is I, Lars Kenseth. Shocked, the only truly perfect disguise. I also did this to save money. are we? You thought me dead, didn’t you? Well, if I’m not made of iTunes gift cards. gdeath is sipping regionally specifi c alcoholic bever- Do you fi nally see whom you are dealing with? Is the ages while basking in the splendor of an unspecifi ed location, terrible picture becoming clear to you now? NO, IT ISN’T, then I guess I am dead. because that tunnel I mentioned before? It was a decoy. I No, you’ll never know where I am...but that isn’t what actually just crawled out an open window. And ran away. vexes you, is it? It’s how. How did I do it? Your consternation You almost had me near the outdoor market. We locked and befuddlement pleases me to no end, but I suppose I’ve eyes. Then I seemed to vanish into thin air as a bus drove tortured you long enough, hmm? Here are the answers to by. Truth is, I actually just jumped into a nearby trash can to the questions that have terrorized your mind, lo these many make it look like I was mysterious. I sat there for 45 minutes months. Here are the details of my escape. doing the crossword on my phone. I dug my 200-yard tunnel with an old shoe that I fashioned Remember that weekend your wife came back home after into a crude spade. Its beaten, supple leather turned rigid two years apart and said she wanted to reconcile? That was through a petrifi cation method that I developed after watching just a distraction. Also, that wasn’t your wife — it was one Alton Brown make an extremely resilient meringue. of my doubles. Some plastic surgery is worth paying for, you I never used cash or credit while I was on the run. Instead I know? turned to the only truly untraceable form of payment: iTunes Oh, and I heard that you recently renewed your vows. gift cards. Who gave that to you? Your aunt? Or was it Mom? Congratulations…? No one knows. Rather than use the phone or internet, I brainwashed a Rather than do the expected and leave no fi ngerprints, young street urchin into thinking he was a carrier pigeon. I left fi ngerprints everywhere. I spent one hour every day He would carry my notes near and far. And sometimes, he’d for the past two years touching everything I saw. Go ahead, even come back. think of something I couldn’t possibly have touched. Guess I trained myself to evolve chameleonlike abilities. My skin what? I touched it. And I’m not sorry. tone can range from “mother of pearl” to “light olive,” which I evaded your search dogs by hiding myself in an oversized means I can walk freely and without fear through hundreds novelty coffee tin. I still have 18 grams of house blend in my of Greek and Russian restaurants. lungs, which my new foreign doctor tells me is harmless. I’ve visited 924 different post offi ces that feature my wanted Plus, I can make a latte by coughing into a cup of warm poster and wrote “Forget it, we got ’em!” on every single one. milk. My in-depth knowledge of bad acting classes means I can I used a squadron of look-alikes — doubles trained to pose as a tree almost anywhere for 15 minutes. Which is why confuse you and your investigative team. Chiefl y by making when I made it into Angeles National Forest, it was over. I them move across the street from you and become beloved was gone. by neighbors and extended family alike. Then people would Hear those sirens approaching? They’re for you. The police, say: “Why are you so harsh to the Larses? They seem so Interpol, the FBI — they all think I paid you off, that you nice!” And you would have to smile through your rage and were my inside man. Impossible, you say? Ridiculous, you agree, lest you look petty and unfair. Ha. cry? Look in your desktop drawer. There are enough iTunes I gave myself reconstructive plastic surgery, so as to turn gift cards there to put you away for life. potentially suspicious looks into shameful averted gazes. No And to think, this could have all been avoided if you’d just one stares too long at a botched facial surgery, which makes it treated my HBO GO login with respect.

(@larskenseth) is a cartoonist for The New Yorker, a Sundance Fellow and is currently bak- lars kenseth ing a big loaf of weird for Adult Swim. Feel free to troll him on Instagram. 28 etienne Delessert

29 WELLnESS BY STEVE YOUNG iPs for stayinG hyDrateD tEight glasses a day just won’t cut it

ehydration is a serious health concern, especially around to killing you, but what if…? You must be vigilant. in hot weather, and mild weather and cold weather. Yes, keeping yourself well hydrated is a stressful burden. dEach year several million Americans die of dehydra- And the stress can make you sick. Right now I don’t feel so tion. There aren’t enough properly hydrated gravediggers good… okay, I just vomited. Don’t say it’s because I drank to keep up. too much water, because that can’t be true. We’re not having After I wrote that fi rst paragraph, I paused to drink a very that conversation. Now, obviously I lost a lot of dampness large amount of water. No joke. You might think that sitting when I vomited, and I’ll need to take a few moments to indoors and writing won’t lead to dehydration, but that’s the replenish. I’m going to drink a jug of water and get whatever kind of dangerous assumption that can kill you. People die moisture I can from the sponge over by the sink. Maybe I’ll of dehydration while watching TV, sleeping, bathing, even re-moisten the sponge with water from the jug. reading articles about staying hydrated. Ahh, that’s better. But not good enough. Never good enough. The facts are simple. The human body is composed almost You’re lucky you’re not here with me right now, because entirely of water. The parts that aren’t water are for the most to supplement my water intake I would be inclined to kill part extremely damp. Water evaporates, and damp things you and drink your life-giving blood. It’s nothing personal. dry out. You need a constant high-volume intake of water, Unless you’re a dehydration denier. Then you deserve to watery fl uids, and dampness in order to survive. die. It’s not enough to “have an occasional drink of water.” Remember when I mentioned early on that there’s a The graveyards are full of people who learned that the hard shortage of gravediggers? That’s partly my fault. I’ve killed way. Did you know that when you drink a 12-ounce glass of a few for their blood. Usually I just drink jugs of water, but water, the exertion of drinking and swallowing that water when it’s hot, mild or cold, you have to resort to extreme can dangerously dehydrate you? measures. Even if it means killing those who provide a vital We’ve all been told that fact, but you probably didn’t re- service to the dead. And when another gravedigger arrives member it, because you’re dehydrated, and you go through to dig the dead gravedigger’s grave, bang, I get him, too. It’s life delirious. Your brain, which ideally should be dripping a law of nature: drink or be drunk. wet, most likely resembles a sponge that was wrung out and I’m not a monster. I have ethical standards. If a gravedigger left on the edge of the sink an hour ago. The sponge will be has a jug of water with him, I attack him just to take the okay. But you won’t be. water. Of course I can’t allow him to identify me as a water Excuse me while I pause to drink more water. You should, robber. So I have to kill him. And because killing someone too. Drink more than you think you need, or want. Then involves a lot of physical exertion, I get even more dehydrated drink more. and have to resort to drinking his blood. Develop good hydration habits, like carrying a fi ve-gallon Did I mention that I’m writing this from prison? I’m in jug of water with you at all times, even if you’re just going solitary confi nement. They’re pretty good about providing from your living room to your bathroom. Speaking of bath- enough water, but human blood is hard to come by in here. rooms, urinating dehydrates you. Don’t do it. I’ve thought about drinking my own blood, but — come Remember when I mentioned that the human body is on — that would be ridiculous. mostly water? I’m not saying that if you’re dehydrated and Follow these tips and you’ll enjoy vibrant, well-hydrated there’s no jug of water handy, you should resort to cannibal- health. ism… but I’m not saying you shouldn’t, either. Keep in mind I am feeling a strong urge to urinate, but I’m going to fi ght it. that some dehydrated person out there may be scheming (This piece was originally published in “Lock ’N Talk,” right now to kill you and drink your damp, watery blood. the weekly newsletter of the U.S. “Supermax” penitentiary They’ll probably drop dead of dehydration before they can get in Florence, Colo.)

(@pantssteve) is a veteran Letterman writer who’s also written for The Simpsons. He recently steVe yoUnG worked on NBC’s Maya & Marty variety show and is teaching a course at NYU’s Tisch School. 30 otkin l p o j nathan

31 FARE PLAY BY JOE KEOHANE ntroDUcinG yoUr new Mta! i It’s gonna be really great, the best in the world. You’re gonna love it.

ere at New York’s Metropolitan Transportation Author- Gold Cars™. These cars contain six premium cabins, which ity, we believe in choice. That’s why, as a thank you accommodate no more than six verifi ed MTA Gold Members Hto our loyal customers for their patience during a at a time, are equipped with reclining chairs, Wi-Fi, phone very challenging summer, and to fund ongoing improvements chargers, sound- and odor-proofed door and walls, and PA to our system’s aging infrastructure, we’re very excited to systems that clearly announce station stops. ($5,000/month) introduce MTA 2030™: four new transit experiences that will offer unprecedented choice and world-class amenities Mta silVer™ for riders of the MTA. TA Silver Members enjoy 24-hour access to the world- Mfamous MTA system (when available), on our MTA Mta PlatinUM™ Silver Trains™, which offer select dry seats, occasional irst, MTA Platinum Members enjoy access to over 250 air-conditioning, intercoms that issue random muffl ed noises Fnew, air-conditioned MTA Lounges, where they can enjoy that may or may not be about terrorism, a reasonable level of complimentary snacks and premium beverages while they cleanliness, and no more than three creeps per car. ($1,000/ wait for their trains. month) Once those trains arrive, MTA Platinum Members will then be personally escorted to their cars by an MTA Gold Mta stanDarD™ Red Cap™. Velvet blindfolds will be made available for this TA Standard Members enjoy randomized access to the journey, as well as noise-canceling headphones in the event MTA system. After entering via platforms that are hot of a busker. Once inside, MTA Platinum Members will be M and wet year-round, MTA Standard Members are directed escorted to their sumptuous, 700-square-foot private MTA to MTA Standard Cars™, which offer amenities such as Platinum cabins, which are equipped with reclining chairs, unlimited creeps, clutches of cruel, screaming teenagers, televisions, private restrooms, Wi-Fi, phone chargers, coffee spread-legged men who smell like ham, bedbugs, people and tea service, and sound- and odor-proofed door and walls. eating fi sh from Styrofoam containers while blocking the If desired, a shade may be opened via touchscreen, allowing doorways, strange blank-faced travelers shoving their way the MTA Platinum Member to gaze out at commuters who are from car to car for no known reason, and strange puddles not MTA Platinum Members, and, if desired, address them that crawl agonizingly back and forth across the grimy fl oor, via personal intercom system. back and forth, as the train lurches, and stops, lurches and Upon arrival at their destination, MTA Platinum Members stops, pitching suddenly into total darkness for minutes at a will be spirited to the nearest lounge, toweled, perfumed and time so creeps can lean against you and smell your hair, and admired, before being transported to street level via private a breakdancer can kick you in the neck, and the conductor elevator—all the while luxuriating in the assurance that no can spew his vengeful lies to this helpless, writhing mass of matter what they do, nothing bad will ever happen to them. human misery fused stickily together in this metal box. And ($10,000/month) did someone just stick a fi nger in your ear? You’d better hope that was a fi nger, buddy. Where are you now? Will you ever Mta GolD™ get where you’re going? Where are you going? Does any of it TA Gold Members enjoy access to over 250 MTA matter? The answer, we’re sorry to say, is no, no, no. ($2.75/ MLounges, and guaranteed seating in one of the MTA ride; baggage, pet and children fees apply)

is a NYC-based journalist whose work has appeared in many publications of varying repute over Joe keohane the years--from Esquire and The New Yorker, to several others that he will never cop to.

32 d i v a d chelsea

33 F.U., E.T. BY EVAN WAITE & RIVER CLEGG Diario de Oaxaca is artist Peter Kuper's UMan society DefensiVely chronicle of two years living in eXPlaineD to aliens Oaxaca, Mexico, encountering its modern conflicts against h the backdrop of the country’s elcome to Earth! Care for a beer? Yes, we’re aware that global warming could lead to our ageless beauty and enduring Beer? Oh, it’s a thing we drink to make ourselves extinction. What’s your point? rhythms. From a town held Wfeel good, even though it almost always makes us feel Look, we’d just rather subsidize oil companies, okay? They hostage by soldiers to the bad. It’s really popular. Sometimes we go into special buildings need money, too! where they serve beer. The beer costs much more to obtain Money is inedible green paper that we value above all else. miracle of the monarch inside these buildings, but we accept this because there are No, you seem stupid. butterfly sanctuary, Kuper often attractive people in there that we would like to kiss. Maybe Earth isn’t for you. Nothing personal, but aliens renders his experiences in Kissing is when we put our should stay with their own vivid detail, capturing both tongues inside each other’s kind. Human cultures aren’t mouths and hope not to usually too welcoming to new- the light and shadows that catch a disease. comers anyway. We even have define life in Mexico No, you sound gross. a name for it: xenophobia. This? It’s a gym bag; I was Of course it’s illogical! You about to go to the gym. Gyms think we don’t know that? We are unpleasant buildings start the word with an x even “Kuper is where we lift heavy things though it sounds like a z. We called weights. This process embrace the illogical! We a colossus; I is boring and excruciating, make choices because they’re have been in awe of him but it makes our arms slightly meanspirited and self-destruc- for over 20 years. Teachers larger, which we like. tive! Take a look at human art and students everywhere take No, it makes perfect sometime. The Iliad is basi- heart: Kuper has in these pages sense. I can tell you don’t cally about some Greek guys lift because your tentacles who kill each other because borne witness to our seemingly are thin and puny. they’re insecure about the endless struggle to educate and Can you repeat that? Your size of their genitals. to be educated in the face of high-pitched alien whine is Yeah, we know that’s a $24.95 institutions that really don’t diffi cult to detect for my mus- stupid thing to worry about! stePhen kroninGer cular human ears. And it’s without a doubt the 978-1-62963-441-8 give a damn. In this ruined It’s a newspaper. The head- human male’s biggest preoc- available at www.pmpress.org age we need Kuper’s unsparing line is about one of our many cupation! My ex Carol said compassionate visionary wars. War is horrible, but sometimes it’s necessary because I was the biggest she’s ever had! Call her up if you don’t American Bystander readers artistry like we need hope.” we need oil. We could all just share the oil and live in peace, believe me. save 40% on your next PM Press order -Junot Díaz but we defi nitely won’t do that. God, talking to you is a pain in my ass. And before you ask, with coupon code: BYSTANDER Because we don’t feel like it. God is a symbol we’ve created to make sense of our loneliness Oil is this black liquid deep in the ground made of crushed in an uncaring, empty universe. We know there’s no actual dinosaur bones and stuff. We use it for energy. proof He exists. Obviously the sun could provide us with more energy — it’s Wait. Seriously? You guys have God, too? the sun! But we don’t know what to do with that information. And He sent you to convert our species? Because we refuse to invest in solar energy. It’s impractical. Nah, we’re good. Also available from PM Press Or too expensive. I forget which. Your God can make my penis even bigger? Solar-powered spacecraft? That’s nice. Good for you. This changes things.

(@theohbits) is a staff writer on Comedy Central’s The President Show. He has also written for eVan waite The Onion, The New Yorker, Funny or Die and Kevin Hart’s Guide to Black History. (@RiverClegg) is a staff writer on Comedy Central’s The Opposition With Jordan Klepper. He also writes for The Onion, ClickHole, The New Yorker and McSweeney’s. Drawn to New York: riVer cleGG World War 3 Illustrated: An Illustrated Chronicle of The Sytem 1979–2014 34 Three Decades in New York City Diario de Oaxaca is artist Peter Kuper's chronicle of two years living in Oaxaca, Mexico, encountering its modern conflicts against the backdrop of the country’s ageless beauty and enduring rhythms. From a town held hostage by soldiers to the miracle of the monarch butterfly sanctuary, Kuper renders his experiences in vivid detail, capturing both the light and shadows that define life in Mexico

“Kuper is a colossus; I have been in awe of him for over 20 years. Teachers and students everywhere take heart: Kuper has in these pages borne witness to our seemingly endless struggle to educate and to be educated in the face of $24.95 institutions that really don’t 978-1-62963-441-8 give a damn. In this ruined available at www.pmpress.org age we need Kuper’s unsparing compassionate visionary American Bystander readers artistry like we need hope.” save 40% on your next PM Press order -Junot Díaz with coupon code: BYSTANDER

Also available from PM Press

Drawn to New York: World War 3 Illustrated: An Illustrated Chronicle of The Sytem 1979–2014 Three Decades in New York City George Booth—A Cartoonist’s Life Curated by J.J. Sedelmaier • October 24th to December 30th, 2017 Opening receptiOn Friday evening, October 27th at 6:30 p.m. there will be a cash bar, with a suggested donation of $10. Your generous donation will benefit the Society’s arts programming & exhibitions.

128 East 63rd Street, NY, NY. (212) 838-2560 The Society of Illustrators [email protected] 36 dr yLAn b ody Comedy of Manners “We really are very decent, polite people,” Paul said.

llen sipped her Scotch. Paul turned his wine glass Ellen remained seated so that Lindsay had to lean over her slowly on the paper cocktail napkin, spreading a shoulder to kiss her, and Ellen returned the kiss awkwardly, Espilled drop into a red circle. patted a conveniently placed hand and gestured for one of “I don’t know why we couldn’t have chosen someplace the empty seats at the four-top. nicer,” Ellen said. Lindsay said, “Actually, can we — ” She turned to a “She said she wanted to buy us dinner,” Paul said. “I was passing waiter: “Can we move to that booth in the back? trying to be polite.” Is that going to mess things up for you guys?” “Still. We could have gone somewhere decent and then “That’s fine. Let me just — ” He looked at Lindsay, saw insisted on picking up the bill.” something in her demeanor that altered his tone and said, “This is decent,” Paul said. “I’ll let your server know.” He hurried off as though he’d “You know what I mean,” Ellen said. been sent on a very important errand. Ellen stood up and “You mean you prefer the 18-year-old Macallan to the collected her drink. 12.” Paul lifted his coat from the back of the chair where he’d Ellen gave him the look that meant, you’re not at all funny, draped it, grabbed Ellen’s coat as well and then said, “Would and then said, “This is Dewar’s.” Then, responding to his you grab my wine, baby girl?” apologetic shrug, “They have 12 and 18. But if she’s buying Lindsay said: “It’s okay, Dad. They’ll bring it over.” . . .” “I don’t like to make extra work for them. Would you?” “We really are very decent, polite people,” Paul said. He Lindsay sighed a sigh that held in it a lifetime of tiny sipped his wine. battles lost, tiny points conceded. She picked up the wine. “Is she late?” She also picked up the circle-stained cocktail napkin to “We’re early.” avoid that additional moment of dialogue. Ellen was already “I should’ve gotten the Macallan and paid for it separately.” on her way to the back booth with a forced cheer in her “You still can.” gait to indicate a false lack of irritation at the displacement. “Too late.” She didn’t quite nod toward the front of the Lindsay and Paul followed. restaurant and Paul turned to see Lindsay out there on the They settled in. sidewalk, beyond the glass, moving toward the door. He read “So,” Paul said as an opening probe, “You’re in town.” the body language as best he could, but there wasn’t much “Yes,” Lindsay said. “Just for a couple of nights.” to go on and he could never tell the difference between “Working,” Paul said. chilly and irritable anyway. Or needing to pee. “Yes.” George Booth—A Cartoonist’s Life In hushed tones, a hurried whisper, Ellen said, “Don’t “Is this a television thing?” Ellen asked. “Or one of those push her about grad school.” Lindsay came toward them other things?” and then Paul was up, out of his seat to watch her approach. “What other things?” • He took in her coat, slouchy soft in a way that suggested “Sometimes you do those other — what do you call them? Curated by J.J. Sedelmaier October 24th to December 30th, 2017 it had been expensive originally. He imagined her, out there You know what I’m talking about, Paul. Borging or some- in Los Angeles, going through the racks at thrift stores, thing.” Opening receptiOn Friday evening, October 27th at 6:30 p.m. keeping up appearances. She looked thin, too. Fit. He opened “Blogging?” Lindsay asked. his arms and she hugged him affectionately, smelling of “Right! Those.” there will be a cash bar, with a suggested donation of $10. Your generous shampoo and autumn. Lindsay said, “I was a blogger for three years, Mom. For donation will benefit the Society’s arts programming & exhibitions. is a playwright and humorist, poet and snappy dresser. 128 East 63rd Street, NY, NY. (212) 838-2560 Dylan Brody Don’t ask him about his tie. He’ll talk for an hour about the Plattsburgh knot. The Society of Illustrators [email protected] 37 Signe said to Ellen, “We have a 25-year-old.” Ellen said: “Oh, that’s just absurd. Eighteen is fine.” Signe said, “Okay.” Lindsay said, “Bring the 25.” Signe left them alone. “So, you’re shooting a location?” Ellen said. Lindsay said: “We’re shooting on location. Have you seen the show?” “What show, honey?” Paul asked. Lindsay blinked slowly. She said: “I told you about this. In an email. Last year.” a travel site. I know you read at least if I can help in any way.” “About what, dear? You know I don’t some of the posts.” “Yes.” understand half of what you say when “I did read some of them. You know. Paul said, “You did that in the com- you’re talking about work.” Ellen patted On the computer. When you sent me ments section?” her daughter’s hand. the thing to click on.” Ellen said: “Sure! That way she could Paul waved to Signe as she ap- Paul winced. fix it, maybe, before it actually got pub- proached with the fresh Scotch and “The links?” Lindsay asked. lished or printed or whatever.” pointed at his empty wine glass. Ellen said: “Right! The links to the Paul said, “Ellen.” “Served Cold. TNT? Thursday blogging! All the new language. It really Ellen said, “What?” nights?” is something. Anyway, I only read them Lindsay said: “I’m not doing that any Ellen said: “Oh! I heard about that on the computer. You know. Where you more. I’m here with a location shoot.” show. You remember, Paul?” scroll through and read all the text and Ellen said, “Isn’t that wonderful.” “What are we talking about now?” see the pictures and it’s all just on one A waitress approached the table. She “That show!” Ellen said. “The one long page.” said: “Hi. I’m Signe. I’ll be your server Stacy Kiel was going on about the other Lindsay said, “As opposed to what, this evening.” night. And on NPR… what’s his name? Mom?” Ellen said, “You already told us that.” Oh, help me out here, Paul. The guy Ellen said, “I didn’t go out and try Signe said: “Yes. But I was introduc- with the funny inflection.” to find copies of the – you know – the ing myself to the other young lady.” “Bander Sujianmati.” actual thing.” “Hello, Signe. I’m Lindsay.” “Yes! That’s the one. He did a whole Paul said, “Ellen.” “She doesn’t need to know that, piece on it, about how it’s so violent Ellen said, “What?” honey,” Paul said. and angry…” Lindsay said, “What actual thing?” Ellen pulled down the last of her “Oh!” Paul suddenly said, engaged. “I Ellen said: “You know. The magazine Scotch and then crunched a bit of ice remember that review. He compared it or the little booklet or wherever they in her teeth as she slid the glass toward to the whole Quentin Tarentino thing were really publishing the stuff.” the waitress. in cinema and talked about how it all Lindsay said, “What?” Signe did not respond to that. She started with Kubrick’s The Shining. The Ellen said: “Oh, come on, now. Don’t said: “Can I bring you anything to — I loved this line ­— ‘the celebration be like that. I read all the ones you sent drink? Have you had a chance to look of our darkest impulses; the repeated me the clicky things to.” at the menu?” affirmation of an underlying hostility, Paul said, “Links.” “I haven’t. I’m sorry. Do you have any a fundamental violence at the heart of Ellen said: “Right. Sometimes I even herbal tea?” every family.’” left comments.” Signe listed some teas, and Lindsay “Yes! I don’t know how you remember Lindsay said, “Yes.” chose one. Then Signe said, “Would whole chunks like that.” Ellen said: “Right there at the bottom. you like another Dewar’s?” “It struck me when I heard it. I re- Did you read those?” “Please,” Ellen said. member.” “Yes.” “Not Macallan?” Lindsay asked. “It stars that woman, I think,” Ellen “I remember once I typed: ‘This was “Oh, that’s not necessary,” Ellen said. said. “The one who used to be on that really well written! Thanks for sending Lindsay said, “Bring her a glass of other show. The comedy. We never it!’ and sometimes if there were little your oldest Macallan, and if the bar- watched that either. Except that one mistakes with punctuation or grammar tender grumbles about putting it on episode you wrote. You remember that, I pointed it out for you.” the rocks tell him that when he can honey? You called us all excited ‘cause Lindsay said: “Yes. I remember.” afford good Scotch he can decide how you’d sold one episode to this ridiculous Ellen said, “’Cause, you know, I figure he wants it served.” sitcom on network television?”

38 “Show Me the Love,” Lindsay in- to get to work. It’s called a call time.” Paul said, “Good story.” formed her. “Yes. I remember.” “Oh,” Ellen said. Lindsay said, “And this is how you Paul said, “You were so excited to be Paul said, “We don’t really know all know you’re not an alcoholic?” getting into the Guild.” the lingo.” Ellen said, “Don’t be like that.” Then Lindsay said, “Yes.” Lindsay said, “I know.” she stood up. “You know what I want, Ellen said: “And then we tried to Abruptly, Paul blurted out, in an right, Paul? You can order for us. I’m watch it, and we just couldn’t even sit oddly scolding tone, “You know we love going out to have a cigarette while we through the whole half-hour, it was you, right?” wait for the food.” such utter schlock. I mean, I’m sure “I do,” Lindsay said. “Sometimes I She made her way to the front door. you did a wonderful job of writing just wish you could love me with, you know, Lindsay and Paul sat in silence for a what they wanted, but it was all those less hostility.” moment. Paul said, “We’re missing corny one-liners and then the big fake Paul chuckled. “I get that,” he said. something, aren’t we?” laughs from the studio audience. Just Ellen said, “I still drink.” Lindsay nodded. She said, “It doesn’t ridiculous.” Lindsay said: “Yes. I see that.” matter, Dad.” Lindsay said, “Okay.” Ellen said, “Your father really only He said, “I don’t know what you want Paul said: “But you were so excited drinks wine, but I just love Scotch. from us.” about selling that episode and getting Mostly only in the evenings.” She shrugged. She said, “It’d be nice into the Guild. I remember that. What Lindsay said, “Mostly?” if you said you were proud of me.” was that? Three years ago? Four?” “Sometimes on the weekend, if we’re “Oh, honey. We are so, so proud of Signe put Paul’s full glass of wine on playing Scrabble, you know, and it’s the you. We tell people all the time about a fresh new cocktail napkin. She put a afternoon.” how wonderfully you turned out. We small tin of steeping tea beside a teacup “Ah.” might have made some mistakes as for Lindsay. She paused for a moment, “Ellen.” parents, but you are proof that we were then said: “I’ll be back in just a minute Ellen said, as though she was answer- not completely incompetent.” to take your orders. Okay?” ing a question that nobody had asked, Lindsay chuckled. “Is that what I Paul waved her away without looking. “Never more than two.” am?” Lindsay said, “Thank you, Signe.” Lindsay said, “Okay.” Paul said, “What?” Lindsay’s phone made a small noise. Ellen said: “I know my limit. That’s “Proof of your competence.” She ignored it. how I know I’m not an alcoholic. Just Paul said, “I don’t understand.” “So,” she said, “What have you guys two drinks and no more. If I have too They sat in silence for a moment. Her been up to? Dad, you have to be start- much I fall down. Literally. One time phone made a noise. She reached into ing to think about retirement.” I went to sit on the toilet and woke up her purse and fished it out. She swiped “I don’t want to talk about it,” Paul on the floor of the bathroom.” through the combination lock to bring said. “And yet, he does. Several times a day,” Ellen said. “Usually half a sen- tence grumbled into the refrigerator.” Paul sipped his wine. He crinkled his eyes in the way that told both Lindsay and Ellen that he was about to say something but wasn’t sure how it would be received. He said, “Lindsay, I want to say something.” Lindsay said, “I’m not going to gradu- ate school.” Paul said, “That’s not what I was going to say.” But then he didn’t go on at all. Lindsay poured tea into her cup. She waited. She sipped. Ellen said, “You’re not drinking at all now?” Lindsay said, “I have an early call tomorrow morning.” “To whom?” Ellen asked. “What?” “Who do you have to call early tomor- row?” “That’s — no. That’s what time I have

39 her screen to life. She began scrolling her purse. chopped up and mixed to make things through texts. Ellen returned in a small cloud of easy or — ” Paul said, “Don’t do that.” eau de Parliament. “What’d I miss?” “Oh, do it the way you usually do it. Without looking up, she said, “What?” Paul said, “We had a fight.” I like when it’s all fancy in the sepa- “Look at your phone in the middle “Oooh. Exciting. What about? Did rate wedges and then I get to mix it up of a conversation.” you offer to pay for grad school?” myself,” Ellen said. “It was actually the middle of a “I told her it was rude to look at her “Okay. And for you?” pause.” phone at the dinner table.” “You know what? Do you still have “Still,” Paul said. “Oh! Your father is right about that the bisque?” “It’s not 5 o’clock yet in LA. I’m still dear. I read about it in the advice “I love the bisque. Would you like a working, Dad.” column in the paper. It’s not Dear cup or — ” “You’re at a restaurant. With your Abby. I don’t remember her name. But “A bowl,” Lindsay said. parents.” someone wrote in about that, and she “Terrific,” Signe said. “One of them.” said that it’s very rude. Very common Lindsay said: “A big bowl. Does it “It’s rude,” he said. “Put it away.” now, but totally unacceptable.” come in extra-large? Do you have a “Rude? Your wife just walked out of “Is that what you read about it in your tureen of bisque that I could order?” the room to have a cigarette. I waited print-medium newspaper, Mom?” She Signe laughed. “One venti bisque. If until there was a pause, and now I’m heard the defensive anger in her own the bowl’s not enough for you, I’ll bring checking through a great many texts, voice. you a second one and only charge you some of which I really should have re- “What does that mean?” exactly the same amount for that one.” sponded to when they came in.” Lindsay sighed. “Wow. You made that sound like a “Really? You’re so important that “Wait,” Ellen said. “I remembered bargain. You’re awesome.” people in LA need you to get back to something when I was outside. You “I strive to not suck,” Signe said with them right away when they text you in started saying something and then we a smile as she collected the menus. Boston?” got sidetracked. Something about that Ellen finished off her drink and “I’m not on vacation, Dad. Yes. They awful show on the Dynamite Channel.” handed Signe the glass. “Could I have need me to get back to them.” “TNT. Not the Dynamite Channel.” another of those?” “Oh, stop it,” Paul said. “You’re just “I know, dear. I like to call it the “Of course.” avoiding talking to me.” Dynamite Channel.” Signe went. “Now who’s overestimating their im- Lindsay waved to Signe, who came As if in response to an accusation, portance?” at once. “Are you all ready to order?” Ellen said: “Oh, come on. The first one “What?” Paul said: “My wife and I would like was just Dewar’s.” She finished thumbing out a response to split a Cobb salad. Is that allowed?” Paul said, “Ellen.” to the texts and put the phone back into “Of course. Do you want that all Ellen said to Lindsay, “I wish you wouldn’t do that.” Lindsay said, “What do you wish I wouldn’t do?” Ellen said, “Make jokes with wait- resses like that.” “What kind of waitresses should I make jokes with?” “You know what I mean. Stop being funny. Everyone finds it exhausting.” Lindsay closed her eyes in a way that suggested that she had a terrible headache, although she did not. She opened them again and sipped her tea. Paul said, “So, is that what you’re working on?” Lindsay said, “What?” Paul said, “That TNT show? Cold Servings?” “Served Cold.” “Yes.” “Oh.” Ellen said. “I didn’t realize you worked on that show.” “I know. I got that.” “What do you do on it?”

40 “It doesn’t matter. Just… let’s eat and talk about something else.” “Are you upset because I said what I heard on NPR? That wasn’t my opinion. I’ve never even watched the thing.” “Yeah. Got that.” Signe set down a fresh drink for Ellen. Paul sipped his wine. “Are you upset because we never watch it?” Ellen asked. “A little. Yes.” “Because you work on it? I didn’t realize you worked on it, honey,” Ellen said. Her infl ection implied that she believed her words were an apology. “I sent you an email when it went to pilot. Another when it was picked up.” “I know, honey. But I don’t really know what all of that means.” “So,” Paul said, “You’ve really been with this thing from the beginning.” “Yes,” Lindsay said. “The very begin- ning.” “You don’t need glasses to see it’s time to get the fuck out.” “I can see how that feels important to you, baby girl,” Paul said. “But it’s that’s the kind of thing you should be people like it.” still just a TV show.” bragging about. I mean, don’t put this “Well, that doesn’t mean it’s any “No. It’s not, Dad. It’s not just a TV Cold Justice thing on your résumé.” good. A lot of people thought Milton show. It’s my show. It’s my series. We’re “Served Cold,” Lindsay said. Berle was funnier than Jack Benny. A out here shooting a bunch of location “Whatever it’s called.” lot of people liked the Stooges more scenes for the second season. We’re “Ellen,” Paul said. Then he said: than the Marx Brothers.” picked up for a second season. My “This is the thing, isn’t it? The thing “Okay, Mom.” show.” we were missing?” “I hope you’re socking away a lot of Ellen said: “Oh, don’t be pretentious Lindsay nodded. money in the bank so that you have about it. So you work on a show. It “You’re — that’s a big deal, selling something of a cushion and you can doesn’t make it yours.” and running a show.” just relax when that show is over and “I’m not — it is my show.” Lindsay nodded. do your real writing.” Paul said: “No. It’s that woman from “I don’t even see how you would know “This is real writing.” that other show. The comedy.” how to do all of that,” Ellen said. “It’s television,” Paul said. “She’s the star, Dad. I created it. I Paul said, “Ellen.” “It’s been called innovative television. executive produce it. It’s my show.” Lindsay said, “It doesn’t matter, And — we’re getting terrifi c ratings. Signe brought the salad and the Mom.” She blew on a spoonful of And we got picked up for a second bisque. She put down an extra plate bisque. season.” She heard her voice getting so that Ellen and Paul could split the “Seriously, though, honey,” Ellen higher. She heard the plea behind it, salad. Ellen set about mixing the salad went on. “I think it’s great that you’re the need to be heard, to be recognized. together. She said, “I love this part!” making a living doing this TV stuff Paul said, “Well, I suppose that’s the As Paul moved some of the newly while you’re working on your real sort of thing people in LA would be mixed salad to the extra plate, Ellen writing and whatever, but you shouldn’t very impressed by.” Then, after the sipped her Scotch. tell people you’re working on that awful shortest of beats, he said, “I don’t know Paul said, “We don’t really know what show.” what you think you need my approval any of that means.” Paul sighed. for.” Lindsay said: “I pitched a show. “Why’s that, Mom?” Lindsay sighed. She pulled bisque Then I wrote the pilot. Then I sold “Because nobody likes it. Apparently into her mouth, focusing on the sound the show. Then we made 22 episodes it’s very violent.” and then sensation of the warm broth. of which I wrote nine while oversee- “It’s consistently beating out the big Paul said: “Don’t slurp, baby girl. It’s ing the writing staff that wrote the three networks in its time slot.” very rude.” others.” “That doesn’t mean anybody likes “It really is,” Ellen said. She sig- Ellen said: “Well, I think it’s great it.” naled the waitress that her glass was that you’re working, but I don’t think “Actually, Mom, it means a lot of empty.

41 SAM gRoSS The Twisted Cross

Some regrettably timely cartoons by

“It’s not a fl ag, it’s a sheet. We fuck on it.”

42 “Eddie, you’re one hell of a Nazi.”

Prior to becoming a cartoonist, Sam Gross was an accountant, a member of the U.S. armed forces, a student, a child, a baby and a fetus. And even before that, a gleam in his daddy’s eye.

“You shouldn’t do that if you’re circumcised.”

43

joe e k ohane The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Firearms Enthusiast

e’re going in!” The his recon missions that her commander’s voice name was Brenda. Brenda. Wwas like thin ice Brenda. breaking, as the Blackhawk “Easy there, creepo,” carrying members of SEAL snapped a mall cop, “You’re Team 6 hurtled toward Abbot- making that chick nervous.” tabad under cover of darkness. Mitty muttered an objection Suddenly, there was a crackle and hastily walked away. He of small arms fire from below. shuffled around the mall aim- Rounds slammed into the lessly for a time, but he kept side of the chopper. The pilot ending up back by the kiosk. was killed immediately. Even “… thank God you’re a hardened crew of warriors here, Walter,” Brenda said, o j e oesterle couldn’t help but whimper as her cheeks flushed, huddled the bird lurched, but not the in a corner surrounded by commander. He had a job to do. He just grinned and gripped dozens of whimpering, defenseless shoppers and sobbing mall his HK416 assault rifle one-handed and trained his eyes on a cops. “I thought we were dead meat. We don’t stand a chance lone window in the compound. A light went on. A tall figure, without you.” bearded, appeared. It was bin Laden. “There you are, you son of “Is it the government again?” Mitty asked. It was. Mitty had a bitch,” the commander growled, drawing a bead dead center been warning everyone about this on Facebook for years — on his target’s forehead as the dying chopper plummeted to but did they ever listen? Of course not. And look who’s sorry earth, wreathed in black smoke. “I may be going to hell. But now. Mitty briefly considered just leaving them there to fend I’m taking you with me!”… for themselves. It would be a valuable lesson, and of course he “Dude.” would have been well within his rights to do it. But sometimes “What?” said Walter Mitty, the roaring of the great wounded the world needs a hero, especially these days. bird fading in the remote airways of his mind. As the government’s pounding on the mall doors intensified, “You can’t return this,” said the bored clerk. Mitty scrambled up three escalators and made his way to the “Why?” roof, gripping his trusty Bravo Company RECCE 16 300 BLK “Bro. You clearly opened it.” KMR-A Carbine. It was a great weapon. As he rained hell upon “I did not!” cried Mitty, training his steely brown eyes on the parking lot below, he was reminded of how it’s light weight the clerk. The clerk just blinked at him. Mitty flung the 13 and large capacity was perfect for this job. As he mowed down Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi DVD across the store the bad guys, Mitty heard cheers from inside the mall. and stormed out into the mall. But then he heard a scream. It came from behind him. Mitty eventually regained his composure in the atrium, “Walter! Help!” It was Brenda. A bad guy holding a huge knife carefully controlling his heart rate to steady his hands. He had her. But Mitty had a surprise for him. Tucked in his belt took stock of the sightlines and emergency exits. He studied was an XVR 460 Magnum. One of the most powerful handguns the faces around him to divine possible terroristic intent. While on the planet… conducting this routine sweep, his eye fell upon the lovely dark- “Sir, it was an hour and four minutes.” haired girl at the cellphone case kiosk. He had learned from “No it wasn’t,” muttered Mitty, frowning at the parking garage f Joe Keohane, a New York-based journalist who fears guns, once won a shooting contest with a Ruger SR9 in a range located behind a bar in Union, N.J. No joke.

45 attendant. “It was 59 minutes! I know it But Walter Mitty was miles away, back was!” at the mall. What ISIS hadn’t counted The attendant wouldn’t budge. He on was that he had been preparing for scratched his pockmarked face. “Buddy, this moment. He had hidden a MAC-10 come on, people are waiting.” under Santa’s village, and as he fell to “It was 59 minutes!” his knees pretending to beg for his life, “It’s like a 50-cent difference,” said the he grabbed it and unloaded on the ter- attendant. “Look, I’ll give it to you. Just, rorists, dodging their bullets and never like, get out of here.” Mitty muttered once hitting a civilian. By the time it was something cutting and gave the man the over, the terrorists were all dead, and the full $2.50. Then he stepped just hard cops told him they’ve never seen a bigger enough on the gas to make sure every- hero in all their lives and that they knew one was aware of his displeasure. Mitty Navy SEALs who would have buckled had somewhere to go, but he couldn’t under that sort of pressure, and Brenda remember where. All the disrespect had kissed him. “Your gun is amazing,” she frazzled him. said suggestively. …“Perhaps this will refresh your “Excuse me, sir? Your prescription is memory.” Bin Laden was back, and ready. Sir?” his ISIS men had the mall surrounded. “Sorry,” muttered Mitty. “I was just Hundreds of defenseless civilians were thinking.” now at the mercy of the terrorists. And Mitty went out through the automatic the police were helpless against ISIS’s doors that made a faintly derisive whis- way better guns. Even Mitty was cor- tling sound when you went through them, nered. Bin Laden handed him a copy of carrying his stool softener. It was two the new bill that made Sharia the law of blocks to the parking lot. Walter Mitty the land. All he had to do was fi le it in clicked on his e-cig. Cherry. It began to the mailbox just over there. Bin Laden rain, rain with sleet in it. He stood up smirked. “The problem with American against the wall of the drugstore, vaping. men is that you’re too soft,” bin Laden He put his shoulders back and his heels said. “Soft, soft soft…” together. “To hell with the stool softener,” Mitty perked up. “Stool softener!” he said Mitty scornfully. He took one last said to himself. He was at a red light with drag and put his e-cig away. Then, with the window still down. A car full of teens that faint, fl eeting smile playing about his next to him laughed. “Did that guy just lips, he faced his vanquished enemies; say ‘Stool softener’?” one asked. “Yo, this erect and motionless, proud and disdain- dude just said ‘stool softener’! What’s up, ful, Walter Mitty the Undefeated, inscru- bro? Are your shits too hard?” table to the last.

46 peter kUPER

Peter Kuper’s cartoons and comics appear in magazines and newspapers around the world including The New Yorker and MAD.

47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 RIcH & KATz No Coffee Coffee wasn’t invented until the 15th century. This explains a lot of famous things people said. by Simon Rich Athens, 399 BC Illustrations by Farley Katz Rome, 50 AD

What is the nature of death? Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. It is the greatest of all human blessings. Whoa, Seneca, that’s nuts. Are you okay? Whoa, Socrates, that’s pretty harsh. No, I’m really hungover, and I need some fucking coffee. I’m sorry, I haven’t had my coffee yet. What is coffee? What’s coffee? Just please don’t talk to me right now. I have that thing where It won’t be invented for thousands of years. everything is spinning around. Just don’t talk. Nobody say Life is a nightmare and I’m going to kill myself. anything. I just need to be totally still and not talk for hours.

China, London, 16th 8th Century AD Century

Life is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Whoa. Sorry, I haven’t had my coffee yet. I don’t even know what coffee is because it’s 15 hundred and something. Life slips away, a dream of little joy and mean content. But wait, coffee was invested in the last century. You Yikes, Li Bai, that’s bleak. What’s with you? should know about coffee by now. It’s around. Sorry. I just need coffee. Yeah, but I haven’t tried it. I don’t know what coffee is. Here’s some. No one does, it’s not around yet. We have like tea and shit (takes a sip) So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, but it sucks. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go write so long lives this and this gives life to thee! more sad poems and then blow my goddamn fucking brains Nice line! You should put that in a sonnet. out. I’m serious, I’m going kill myself. Indeed I shall! But right now, all of a sudden, I have to take a shit.

55 a dn y pRIEBoy Pricks Up Front

Words and music by Andy Prieboy Transcribed by Brian Moore © 2007 Prieboy Music BMI

56 er n d e v ste bro

57 58 MERRILL MARKoE A Man Called “Grumpy”

n a church basement, daughter ‘Porky’ and I called filled with folding my son ‘Puny.’ Friendly and Ichairs arranged in a affectionate. As nicknames large circle, a designated go, completely harmless — a meeting leader makes the lot nicer than most. announcement he always “But now: ‘You’re body- makes before the meeting shaming me.’ ‘You’re being ends. culturally insensitive.’ “We reserve the last 10 “I’ll tell you this: Dopey minutes for any newcomers never complained. Not a who care to share,” he says. peep. Yes, he was kind of an “Anybody?” idiot. Truth be told, all six of An extremely short bald them had their issues. The man wearing a knit cap and eDwin Vacek way they would all laugh sporting a long white beard every time Sneezy sneezed raises his hand. “Hi. I’m Wilhelm.” — seriously, why is that so funny? I mean, sure, maybe “Hi, Wilhelm.” the fi rst time…but after that? He pauses for a moment, then: “I’ve never been to a “I admit I’m not perfect. I get moody sometimes. But how meeting before. You probably know me as Grumpy. Is that chipper and upbeat would you be if you’d lived to 120 years all right to say who I am? Oh! Sorry. old and all that people wanted to talk to you about was those “To be honest with you, the only reason I’m here is the few ridiculous months when you shared a nontraditional family counselor told me I better get to a meeting. I said, group home in the woods with a bunch of isolated asexual ‘You’re kidding! Me? Why should I go to a meeting? It’s the short-statured diamond miners and a wink-wink ‘runaway rest of my family that’s effed up!’ princess wannabe’? What about all the great stuff I’ve done “You all know what I’m talking about: drinking, drugs, you since? I sold garbage disposals, I was a racecar driver, I name it. My wife’s been in and out of treatment. My son’s played ‘Old Man Hasler’ in Pajama Game. Life goes on! in rehab right now for the third time. My daughter — who “Talk about a situation where a bunch of deluded sick knows what’s going on there? She’s not talking to me. people are enabling each other to live out their worst fanta- “But they’re saying the problem is me? ‘Too critical, sies. Seven grown men in one house, vying for one woman’s too controlling, gives too much advice.’ Maybe I cared too attention. And everyone dressing alike. How nuts was that? much, okay? Maybe I gave too much of a shit. Can I say “And we’re not talking about kids here. Someday do a ‘shit’ here? little Googling and have a look at those photos of us that “According to them, I’m ruining everyone’s self-esteem are everywhere online. Check out the level of male pattern by giving them all nicknames. Come on! It’s just part of baldness. We were all in our 40s and 50s. Doc was damn my culture — if you’re a mountain dwarf in the diamond near 60. mining business, you get a nickname. Period. Everybody “I mean, I get that the girl was a knockout. What girl her gets a nickname. So I called my wife ‘Shlubby.’ I called my age isn’t? f

Merrill Markoe has published eight books and written for a long list of television shows and publications, including the one you are holding.

59 “Tell you the truth, none of us actu- “And then one day a tall, good-look- do with that song.’ ally knew how old she was. It was weird. ing guy on a horse shows up and Snow “I never even mentioned the belted It was hard to tell. Was she 18? 25? leaves with him! Goodbye. Gone. ‘I’m waistcoats, which they’re all still Jesus, she could have been a mature a “Princess” now. I’m leaving to “rule” wearing. Totally my idea. 15 for all we knew. Porno is full of this in my “kingdom.” Oh, and by the way, “I thought about getting a lawyer, but kind of shit, right? thanks for all the diamonds.’ decided it wasn’t worth it. But all that “It wasn’t all negative. We had good “Then the shit hit the fan: Each of effed me up for years. I’m still trying times, too. I played keyboards in our us accusing the other guy of being the to deal with it. band. We were pretty good before reason she left. “At first I was angry. Really angry. But Snow started doing vocals. That high “You see what she did there? Playing over time I just became Grumpy again. screechy voice of hers... The other each one of us against the other? How “Now my family is on my case, saying guys seemed to love it, but I was the messed up was that? Come to find out, that the whole ‘Grumpy thing’ has got one classically trained musician in the years later, this was not the first time to end. group. Doc only knew that one trick she pulled this. “Really? Who am I supposed to be on guitar. I guess Dopey was decent on “Finally I had enough. I had to get out now? ‘Empty?’ drums when he wasn’t being a showoff. of there. I said, “I’ll see you guys later.” “That’s why I’m here. “Speaking of Dopey, did I mention that “And you know what they did? They “I don’t know if any of this makes my daughter just moved out and isn’t got another Grumpy! any sense. But thanks for listening.” speaking to me, except through my wife? “In the beginning, I thought, ‘Okay. As the short man finishes, murmurs According to those two, I’m a little too ‘old Whatever. Good luck with that.’ of approval and understanding rumble school’ when it comes to women. Really? “But when I heard they were still throughout the room. Fine. I’ll play along if it keeps them out doing ‘Heigh Ho’? That’s when I lost “Thanks, Grumpy,” they seem to say of rehab. I’m sure even that will probably it. I immediately called up Doc and as one. “Keep coming back. You’re in turn out to be wrong… said, ‘You know I had something to the right place.” “I’ll admit, all those years of living with Snow White may have given me some unrealistic expectations. The family counselor claims we let her infantilize us — and maybe we did. She picked up after us, she cooked for us, she treated us like we were little children. That wasn’t really healthy. To say nothing of that way she had of making it seem like she had a special relationship with each one of us. The forehead-kissing. It was weirdly seductive. “But it was a two-way street. In return we allowed her to see herself as some wholesome flawless creature who could communicate with forest bunnies and what have you. Maybe she had some kind of daddy complex or a Danny DeVito fetish or something. Who the F knows? “I suppose it’s wrong to expect that kind of behavior from my wife and my daughter. At least, that’s what they tell me anyway. But Snow was the first woman I ever lived with, so for a long time I compared every woman to her. She always looked great, always with the long skirt and the velvet whatevers and the high heels. Hair always perfect, even when she was doing our laundry or sweeping up. I mean, she had a lot of help from birds and the chipmunks and so forth… Do you know: We lived there for 25 years before she ever showed up. You think all those animals ever lifted a finger to help us?

60 alan zwEIBEL I Saw Your Mother’s Ass A husband gets into bed. His wife speaks first.

ife: You okay? the bathroom. Wife: Oh, please… Husband: Not really. Wife: Yeah… Husband: Why would I make this WWife: Want to talk about it? Husband: And I passed the gym, inno- up? Why would I possibly want this Husband: No. cently looked in, and saw your mother on conversation to go any longer that it Wife: Why? my stationary bike. already has? Husband: It’s too weird. Wife: Naked? Wife: May I ask what it’s a tattoo of? Wife: What’s too weird? Husband: Like an 87-year-old jaybird. Husband: You sure you want to know? Husband: I’d rather not say. Wife: From behind? Wife: No. But tell me anyway. Wife: Now you’re scaring me. Husband: Yes. That’s where your Husband: Ready? Husband: Why? mother’s ass is located. In the back. Wife: Yeah. Wife: Because we’ve been married a Wife: I think you’ll get over it. Husband: Hitler. long time, and I’ve never seen you this Husband: I’m not so sure about that. In Wife: Hitler? color before. fact, I’m wondering how I can ever look Husband: Yep… Husband: Can’t help it. at her again. In fact, I’m wondering if Wife: The Hitler? Wife: Please tell me. you and I should separate and get back Husband: That’s the Hitler. Husband: Fine. together after she dies. Wife: My 87-year-old mother has a Wife: …Well? Wife: You wouldn’t be overreacting, tattoo of Adolf Hitler on her ass. Husband: (after a deep breath) I saw would you? Husband: That’s right. And I must say your mother’s ass. Husband: Trust me, any normal man that the Fuhrer looks less than thrilled Wife: What are you saying? would be mortified. to be there. Husband: That I saw your 87-year-old Wife: Come on, you’ve seen her in a Wife: You sure you’re that you’re not mother’s 87-year-old ass. bathing suit. I’m sure there were no making this up? Wife: How? surprises. Husband: Nope… Husband: I was on my way to the bath- Husband: Not so. Wife: Or mistook, let’s say, a mole, for room, a door was open, and there it was Wife: What do you mean ‘not so’? Hitler? in all its horrifying glory. Husband: I can’t talk about it. Husband: A mole for Hitler? No. And Wife: God, she must’ve been embar- Wife: What can’t you talk about? I didn’t mistake cellulite for Goebbels, rassed. Husband: The surprise. Now let me go either. This is a tattoo, and it’s Hitler Husband: No. to sleep, okay? and if you don’t believe me, go down Wife: No? Wife: Fine. and take a look for yourself. Husband: Not at all. Wife: I think I will. e turns off the light for about six Wife: Why not? Husband: Fine. seconds, then turns on the light. Husband: Because she didn’t see me. H he gets out of bed, leaves the Wife: How’s it possible that you walk in Husband: Did you know your mother bedroom and returns about on someone in the bathroom and they has a tattoo? S a minute later. not see you? Wife: She what? Husband: Because she wasn’t in the Husband: Yep. Wife: You’re right. It’s Hitler. bathroom. Wife: Where? Husband: Told you. Wife: But you just said… Husband: On her four-score-and -sev- Wife: Yes, but what you didn’t tell me Husband: I said that I was on my way to en-year-old ass. was that every time my mother pedals f

Alan Zweibel’s latest book, a parody of the Haggadah titled For This We Left Egypt?, was co-written with Dave Barry and Adam Mansbach, who are less Jewish than Alan.

61 Hitler’s arm comes up in one of those Wife: What? his ass. Third Reich salutes. Husband: You know, they were young, Husband: Very, very possible… Husband: I thought I’d spare you. impulsive, had too much to drink one Wife: Jesus, could we please end this Wife: Thanks. night, took a cab downtown and got conversation? Husband: So, what do we do now? tattoos of each other before she realized Husband: I’d love to. Wife: What do you mean? he wasn’t a guy to be trusted? Wife: Fine. Husband: Well, we’ve solved the Wife: Lovely, so according to that sce- hey turn off their lights. About a mystery of ‘who’ the tattoo is. Aren’t you nario, Hitler, who was arguably the minute later, he speaks fi rst. at all curious as to why it’s there? As worst human being who ever lived, had T to why your 87-year-old, Jewish mother a tattoo of my mother on his butt. Husband: I can’t sleep. who’s been a registered Democrat since Husband: It’s possible… Wife: Neither can I. Truman was president has a picture Wife: You’re saying that in all those Husband: I keep thinking about your of the man who thought of the Final newsreels when he was giving those mother’s ass. Solution on her butt? speeches and goose-stepping in those Wife: I keep thinking about Hitler’s ass. Wife: Yes, but I’m scared… parades and invading Poland he may Husband: And I keep thinking I’ll need Husband: Did she ever date Hitler? have had a picture of my mother on a new seat for my stationary bike. joHn cUnEo

62 LOUCHE & SEEDY PRESTIDIGITATOR THE COMICS SUPPLEMENT TO THE AMERICAN BYSTANDER!

Vol. 2, No. 2 • FALL 2017 APPROVED!

TORO • KOFORD • MOTLEY • POND • SIERGEY • ADAMS BLECHMAN • BARRETT • ENOS • GAMMILL • GROSS & HACHTMAN 64 65 MPN IMI O D

66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 77

oUR BAcK PAgES oan’s other kitche J Deep in the Rwandan jungle, Pepper Jones is on the hunt • By Brian McConnachie n

The Gorilla Lady’s Jo, Elvis, Fletcher or Paulie… Today can braining her with the steel omelet pan. be all “snuggles,” and tomorrow they’ll The real heavy one. Jungle Diary knuckle-walk right on by! That’s males Her mate Tongo likes to sneak into y name is Pepper Jones, and for you, am I right, ladies? my cot at night and snuggle. I must have I’ve been dedicated to study- Still, they’re a lot more reliable than taught him the sign for snuggle, ha ha! Ming and protecting the endan- Shop Africa Shop, who’ve once again I know I had to teach him the sign for gered silverback mountain gorillas here screwed up the order I put in. I specifi - “NO! That’s not snuggle. Quit it, you in the jungles of Rwanda for almost cally told them: Beefeater’s gin. I even dumb baboon.” But I really can’t stay three years now. wrote it down for them and drew a little mad at him — he’s so sweet with those No one asked me to do this. In fact, picture of a Beefeater, for God’s sake. big sad eyes of his. I don’t think he’s some people from the wildlife preserve But what did they bring? Sir Walter happy at home. have tried to stop me. Some have even Cooper’s Sparkling Dry London Gin! weDnesDay hired lawyers to get a restraining order Christ! I could barely get the gorillas Jo Jo suddenly thinks it’s simply hilari- against me. Legally, I can’t get within to drink it. They got used to it, eventu- ous to hide my clothes. Then he makes 25 feet of a gorilla. But I don’t care; ally, but that’s not an excuse to bring a big show of putting his hands over this is a passion I was born with; it’s the cheap stuff. Part of my mission is his eyes — but I know he’s peeking. a mission that has chosen me, and I to instill good taste. cannot abandon it. My work is too im- He’s such a bad boy. I tell him: “You’re portant. MonDay a Peeping Tom. Who’s my big hairy My only contact with other humans I decided to have a party to celebrate my Peeping Tom? That’s right, point to comes every two months or so, when third anniversary here and invite all of yourself. No, not at that. Higher. ” a team from the Shop Africa Shop the gorillas except Kiki and she knows I tell him to stop it, I mean it, but it’s makes the trip up here to bring sup- why. But then I thought: Why bother? all a big game to him. Then after all that, plies, medicine and scientifi c equip- Kiki’ll probably crash the party anyway I’ll spend half the morning looking for ment. My diaries and my gorillas are and make it all about her. something to put on. all the company I have or need. Poach- I can’t help thinking that Kiki is He’s doing this every day; it’s infuriat- ers used to come around occasionally, getting deeply jealous of the way her ing! I wonder why I even bother to wear but they don’t do that anymore. (I’m mate Tongo has started bringing me clothes. a pretty good shot.) Every now and things, like bananas. And then he takes thUrsDay one and holds it in front of himself, then, a camera safari will come poking I’m not sure, but I think Pixie was you know. “You’re so naughty,” I tell around. But they don’t stay very long getting upset that Jo Jo seems to be him, but I can’t help giggling. He’s soooo either. losing interest in her. So I initiated “a bad. I tell him: “You are! You’re such a Though I am here studying the goril- girl’s afternoon” together; I broke out bad monkey! Who’s my bad monkey? las’ way of life, you could say they’re my stash of lipstick and eyeliner, then Where’s my Mr. Naughty Pants, Prince also studying mine. They are truly beau- topped it off with a healthy splash of of the bad Monkey Men? There you are. tiful creatures: sensitive, gentle, smart, Taboo. Yes you are.” They really are so playful, faithful — well not so much Tongo, Jo (I practically had to use up half the despite their immense bulk. bottle. Gorillas are a pretty stinky tUesDay bunch, truth be told.) brian I’m having real issues with Kiki. She My heart was in the right place, but Mcconnachie gave me this look the other day, you in the future, I won’t waste eyeliner on is Founder and know the one: “You think you’re better the gorillas. It doesn’t show, and they Head Writer of than I am, but you’re so not.” And then don’t appreciate it. Also, I must order The American she slowly turned her back, like she’s more Taboo. And send back the hoop Bystander. better! What a bitch! I snuck up behind earrings I ordered; I just noticed apes her and I swear, I came this close to really don’t have earlobes. f 79 friDay looks when I’m explaining things. One thing about gorillas is, they all look Truth be told, I’m hardly an expert on pretty much alike after a while. I’ve tried signing myself. What I know comes from tying different colored kerchiefs around my brother, who was a third-base coach their necks to tell them apart, but only for a minor-league baseball team. Touch the females will wear them. Kiki’s is your hat, two fi ngers on your forearm, red, and Pixie’s is pink. The guys keep clap a few times. The players got it. blowing their noses (?) into them and Maybe the gorillas understand, too. then losing them. Do they think I’m just Or do they? It seems like I have to around here to do the wash? throw rocks at them to get them to do I’ve ordered a box of those stickers anything. I must look into this, for real that say, “Hello, My Name Is.” That this time. might work if those dweebs from the MonDay supply preserve can remember to bring I’m getting annoyed at the camera safari them. Along with the right gin, that that’s been sneaking around taking pic- won’t make the gorillas so hungover tures when some people around here that they sleep most of the next day. might not be quite ready to receive A gorilla with a gin hangover is some company. Some people are profession- sorry sight, believe me. It’s shameful. al researchers and do not want their You just try to get them to keep the ice pictures taken without their makeup bags on their heads! on. What goes on here is none of their Until tomorrow… business. satUrDay A few warning shots should do it. I Some of the males dropped by my tent need to order more ammo. Yesterday, I tonight as I was setting up for the party. saw Kiki and Pixie taking a few bullets. I put on some CDs. They like Lady Gaga/ Those two love anything shiny. Tony Bennett okay, but they’re nuts tUesDay about Dean Martin. They really seem to Now, apparently, I may have acciden- dislike Frank Sinatra. They’re split on tally and unintentionally shot one of Order now at The Lion King but they’re crazy about, the camera safari people by mistake. Into The Woods. I believe I am the fi rst If I did, I must have thought he/she JACK ever researcher to discover this. was a poacher, and I can’t believe we 1/8 We opened a few bottles of that Stinky fi nished all that awful gin. The gorillas HANDEY McGin. I had to keep screaming at them got real sad about the dead guy. They .COM to use their bloody coasters. What is it took off his red kerchief very tenderly, with gorillas never wanting to use their and covered up the body with leaves. It coasters? What were they, raised in a was sweet. They’ll totally surprise me barn? There was some dancing if you with things like that. I think what noble, could call it that. It was more “get your gentle creatures they are, and feel ter- zombie-robot on.” rible that I spent half the morning yelling I wound up putting on a fashion show. and throwing rocks at them. Some of the males helped pick out what dress I should wear. It was between my weDnesDay black cocktail dress with the spaghetti I’ve done some thinking, and it’s clear straps and the red Oscar de la Renta. that my work here with the gorillas is They voted for the classic black. I think. far too important and complicated to risk any setbacks like me entering the sUnDay logjam that is the Rwandan legal system. I just had a disturbing thought: Maybe I see two choices: Blame the shooting the gorillas don’t understand sign lan- on Kiki, who in fact, could have done guage at all. Outside of a few phrases it, or I can methodically shoot the rest about “snuggling” and “not snuggling,” of the safari before they get back to the I certainly haven’t taught it to them. I preserve. If I could only fi nd that rifl e. don’t know why, I just kind of thought What’s that? Someone’s at the door, they knew it. Like dogs are born knowing probably the monthly supplies. I better how to turn around three times before go and see how wrong they got it this lying down. But the more I think of it, time. the gorillas do give me a lot of vacant Until tomorrow!

80 raou b ck pages u .s. m eller thinks like thi p The cartoonist/broadcaster/writer is always walking around, looking at stuff • By P.S. Mueller s

Why There in a park-sponsored gin rummy tournament and Is No White headed off to Key West to House Dog dine on wet revelers. There’s no Fido or Rover Aging television pre- proudly strutting at the senter Ryan Seacrest end of the presidential soon acquired the prop- leash, leading our com- erty with the idea of mander in chief to Heli- creating a palatial theme copter No. 1 and a quick home, with each room ride to Camp David for a constructed to precisely tinkle and a romp. Not in duplicate a set from each this White House. Truth a dog or pet of any kind because he of his wildly successful be known, Donald Trump has never keeps his own counsel and serves as programs. Youthful and robotic Seacest owned a pet. his own pet. His inner circle has long facsimiles were placed beneath warm George Washington rescued a North- been rumored to play its proper role in spolights and programmed to cheerfully eastern mudhound and brought him the privacy of the Oval Office — papers smile and chat with millions of antici- home. The dog was fitted with not one, are spread as the president cheerfully pated visitors. The show business mogul, but two little whalebone legs, and the emerges from behind his desk to accept however, remained secluded in an off- pair would go out walking together every hearty belly rubs and “Who’s a good site control room and was sustained by morning. Eyewitnesses of the day, aware boy?” liquids and tubes, not to mention the of Washington’s wooden dentures, re- Sad. unwitting companionship of his 40-year- ported the two playfully clacking at each old spaniel, Chop. other during a rowdy game of Rotten It’s time for real cowboys to do their job Seacrest World thrived for many Shoe. and change that cow litter. years. The park, fortified to survive Lincoln taught his Labradoodle Secesh the rising sea, remained solid and true, to walk backwards on its hind legs, while and something of a monument to the The first and last taser tag emporium has peeing on Edward Stanton’s shiny boots; engineering miracle of riprap. But no closed its doors in Duluth, Minn. The Harry Truman owned a miniature chi- one knows what became of Seacrest. short-lived sport required at least two huahua that would crawl up his master’s He simply disappeared during the great participants armed with police tasers, but sleeve for hidden bits of kibble; Ronald “Logo Shift” of 2070 and his foundation due to frequent involuntary urination, Reagan utterly believed his Robot Pup to carried on, taking orders from the lead the game never really caught on and be a real miracle pooch. Pup’s tail wags Seacrest automaton, Seacrest the Nice. will be replaced with a promising new on to this day, in the restaurant of the The superstorms of the 2080s eventually diversion called Glue-Ball. Gipper’s presidential library. messed with Texas, and the legendary But Donald J. Trump has never had Seacrest riprap. Seacrest World began to Seacrest World sink into the Gulf of Mexico, which had P. S. Mueller In 2030, SeaWorld declared bankruptcy by then acquired the color and texture and was ordered to be drained. By then of an oily milkshake. is Staff Liar of the organization’s last remaining theme But as was noted earlier, Seacrest The American park consisted of about 200 acres along world had been constructed to survive Bystander. a piece of Texas coastline, depending on any insult. Yes, the vast building flooded, the time and tide. Seaworld’s last captive but the water within was highly filtered orca whale, Jimmy, had won its freedom and crystal clear, allowing the fleet f

81 of “Iron Ryans,” as they came to be The great Late known, to continue grinning and chat- ting as before. Diving tours allowed aging change millennials to experience Total Seacrest We knew something was up near the end Re-enactments daily from noon to 4, of the year, when dogs started walking super-hurricanes permitting. backwards and tattoos began to liquify Sadly, by 2090 the maintenance costs and whirl beneath a million crepey skins. provided an opportunity for the heirs to A total eclipse had recently come and the SeaWorld name to purchase Seacrest gone, confusing wildlife and people who World lock, stock and animatron. With deliver Amazon orders. Walnuts cracked the millennials mostly gone, Ryan Sea- open to reveal smaller walnuts and so on. World Under America opened its air locks Indeed, the people of the earth began to to the curiously mutated descendents dimly wonder, “What the fuck?” of Jimmy the orca, who return year in I stepped out the front door of my sur- and year out to this very day to play burban ranch home and looked up at a gin rummy with smiling, chatty algae- trademarked moon. Migrating birds were covered robots. headed north toward frosty oblivion. Spontaneously occurring bran fl akes fell lightly around me, adding a special nutty A bill to extend Medicare benefi ts to cover crunch to my perfectly manicured yard. experimental monkey people created by The religious guy across the street had drunk MIT bioengineers has been voted Krazy Glued himself into a tarp, leaving down. Observers say it will only be a eyeholes and a gap for his AR-15. He matter of time before those whiz kids walked circles inside his garage. “Wonderful, funny, fi gure out how to make something from stranger than life.” The stock market hit 50,000 that after- a pile of lips that can add, subtract and —Bill Griffi th noon, and Wall Street, by then completely argue before the Supreme Court. From Fantagraphics. socked in with celebratory cotton candy, Signed copies at had become a sugary mire of immobile mkbrown.net. The Road not Taken billionaries who couldn’t make the trains As a young actor weighing in at 325 to Westbester, Hemcluster or the Framp- pounds, Alternate Universe Mickey tons. I, too, had become a billionaire, Rourke sadly endured nearly 500 per- though I didn’t know it yet. Somehow, formances of Alternate Universe Samuel during the course of what I call the Great Beckett’s little-known play The Silent Late Change, our cat Puddum fi gured Couch. The production toured break- out English, at least enough to tell me I fast theaters across the Midwest and was rich. We celebrated together with a recording & audio production • audioforthearts.com featured a rotating cast of elderly game game of backgammon in the basement. show hosts. Rourke came to know each Media of all kinds remained service- of them by the shape and texture of their able and steady, even as the news grew ass, especially the retired host of Pass- from peculiar to downright weird and word Allen Ludden, who became kind alarming. In fact, as the late summer of pillowy late in life. Rourke did not go cicadas altered their chorus to harmo- unnoticed in his role and often found nize with a famous soup jingle, most of himself patted down for keys and loose us billionaires remained inside, usually change after the show — by audience surrounded with prepper supplies. We members of a certain age. stared at fl at screens emitting billionaires This Mickey Rourke — who might well from other places, billionaires calmed by have gone on to star in his dimension’s 9 precious meds and certain of the obvious 1/2 Weeks and The Wrestler, had he quit benifi cence coming with the Great Late the pizza and beer — lives on to this day Change. in a large chair outside of Neptune, N.J. By Christmas, the bran fl akes had turned to gold and gold had bottomed There was sad news from the Morton Salt out on the Heavy Metal Exchanges. I sat Company today, which was shuttered by and combed gold fl akes from Puddum’s the EPA due to excessive salinity. Former coat as a cold winds pushed in from the union salt miners with the company for gray Atlantic, and Puddum turned to me over 100 years are believed to be striking and said: “Great News! We’re all having out for Sugartown. dead fi sh tomorrow!”

82 oUR BAcK PAgES hUnk-style nUGGet c …to briefl y distract you from the inevitable• By Steve Young s

ongratulations on purchasing high alert when traveling in Canada, operating vehicle in reverse. Slacker Grove Memorial Park’s because while Canadians seem nice, •During stop at red light, forced exam- cPerpetual Sort-of-Care Package what if they’re secretly up to something? iner into trunk. for your loved one’s grave. Your package U.S. citizens traveling to Paraguay includes: are warned to double check that they I Would Like To • Occasional mowing, depending on didn’t intend to go to Uruguay, and vice availability of a functional mower/ versa. clear Up Some employee who feels up to it; Misconceptions About • If mowing isn’t happening for My Store, some reason, stomping down of tall grass once in a while; The Sundries Shop • I do not sell sundaes. I do not sell • Reproachful looks directed sun-dried tomatoes or anything at anyone spotted on the cem- else sun-dried. I sell sundries, etery grounds carrying grave- which are small, miscellaneous robbing tools; dry goods. • “Loaner” gravestone if actual grave- • My store is not The Sundries Su- stone is lost, stolen or vandalized (name/ U.S. perstore, which is across the street. date details may vary); citizens are • The fact that The Sundries Su- • Shooing away of teens discovered urged to avoid travel- perstore also sells sundaes and sun- partying/making out on top of your ing to Iran unless accompanied dried tomatoes is, in my opinion, a bad loved one’s grave during normal busi- by Ben Affl eck, because in that Argo long-term strategy, despite its current ness hours; movie he’s very clever about escaping success. • In the event the cemetery moves, from Iran. • I am the sole proprietor of The Sun- we will try to remember to send you a Until the political situation im- dries Shop. My former business partner, “change of address” card. proves, U.S. citizens are cautioned to Jeff, now owns and operates The Sun- Anyway, thanks for signing up or avoid the U.S. dries Superstore, which has no connec- whatever. tion to The Sundries Shop. Things: A new • To further elaborate on the nature Latest U.S. State Perspective of sundries, they may be, for example, department Travel Pants — leg shirts small toiletry articles or hardware items. Lawnmower — badly designed heli- • I do not agree that my store should Warnings be named The Small Toiletry Articles U.S. citizens are warned to avoid the copter & Hardware Items Shop, as that would Spanish resort destination of Ibiza, Fish — bookmark mislead people into thinking that I did because it is so over. Book — storage for fi sh not also carry other items such as bows, U.S. citizens are cautioned to be on notepads or gum. Reasons You Failed • At this time I do not carry bows, note- steVe yoUnG Your driver’s Test pads or gum. The Sundries Superstore (@pantssteve) •While changing lanes, licked wind- has undercut my prices so severely that is Oracle for The shield. it is no longer practical for me to stock American By- • Signaled for turns by shouting “left!” them. stander. or “right!” • I have not threatened to attack Jeff • Steered with chin. with a hardware item. While words may • Exceeded posted speed limit while f 83 have been spoken in anger, there was business next month. It will close per- no threat of physical violence. manently at the end of this month. • The Sundries Shop is not going out of

From New York City to Miami, from Washington D.C. to Sedona, Max Bowman is on the run. And that’s not easy when you have two broken toes.

RED EARTH by Joel Canfi eld • NOW available on Amazon.com Paul Ryan Magazine An unoffi cial parody of the dark princeling of the GOP. www.wiscohunk.com

thinking of moving to NEW ZEALAND? (There’s still room available!) Get free advice from a Bystander subscriber who actually did move to New Zealand. Email [email protected] with “Bystander Kiwi Help” as the subject.

84 raou b ck pages now your bystander K We asked. Hana Michels answered. s

ne of the unforeseen benefits of Where is the most interesting place editing this magazine has been you’ve been? Either Costa Rica or the Odiscovering Hana Michels’s bedroom of a popular ska frontman. Facebook feed. Her daily cascade of Both had stray animals! mordant observations on life, love and What amazing thing did you do that finding oneself — or, more accurately, no one was around to see? the seeming impossibility of any of these I spotted a California condor back when while living as a female stand-up in Los we were down to like 60 of them in the Angeles — is delightful for two reasons. wild. I swear I saw it, but I was 7 so One, Hana is very honest, and very no one believed me. It was eating our a

funny. Two, in our youth-worshipping d first-grade class’s trash. I hope it didn’t culture, it’s always a good idea to re- an choke on a Pog. r member that unless you were a Beatle A What’s the best way to start the day? or something, your 20s sucked. Waking up in your own bed without

When I thought of this department e questioning all your life choices. R becca (which, God willing, will be a regular What job do you think you’d be great thing), Hana was a natural choice to at? Is there a job that requires leaving Is there anything interesting about kick us off. I gave her a list of 60 ques- my desk to cry in the bathroom? your family? They are all therapists. tions, and she answered the ones that Because I’m really, really good at that. ALL OF THEM. I swore I would never struck a spark. — Ed. What fad or trend do you hope comes go into the family business, but then back? Children viciously beating each I became a woman so I have to do it NAME: Hana Michaels other with yo-yos. Also moon boots. for free. PROFESSION: Writer & Stand-Up What’s the title of your autobiogra- If you had unlimited funds to build LIVES IN: Los Angeles phy? “WHY?” a house that you would live in for PIECES: “Pick Up Artistry, Volume What’s worth spending more on to get the rest of your life, what would the IV” (#3); “Mom, You Can Stop Hiding the best? Anti-aging skincare, therapy house be like? It would have a bunch Behind All My Mirrors Now” (#5). for your aging dysmorphia. of twists, turns and dead ends, just like What’s your perfect day? My perfect my career. o you have a nickname? How day is spent surrounded by models, What was your most notable pet? did you get it? Han Solo, Honda, actors and other hot people, but instead D Jessica the toad because she brought Hannukkah, Hana Bah-nah-nah. None of of hooking up with them they just wear a plague of crickets to our home. Also these are consensual nicknames. They baby boomer clothes and say, “We love my rats because that’s where I learned come from people realizing my name you daughter, and we approve of your about testicles that drag on the floor. is not pronounced like “Hannah” and lifestyle.” What subject(s) do you wish you needing to say something about it. Also, What’s something you like to do the knew more about? Taking basic care because there’s a city named Hana, two old-fashioned way? Date people I meet of myself; blacksmithing. separate people have asked if I was “con- in life instead of on Tinder. In July, The What’s your first question after ceived on Maui.” Daily Mail put my Tinder profile in an waking up after being frozen for 100 I have the only name that forces me article called “Are These The World’s years? “Do we still hate Guy Fieri?” to think about my parents fucking. Worst Tinder Profiles?” So I probably What is something that a ton of people Where were you born, and did that made the right call. are obsessed with but you just don’t have any bearing on the person you’ve What one thing do you really want but get the point of? Men. become? I was born in Santa Monica, can’t afford? My medication, not from What are you most looking forward which had no bearing on who I became Canada. Also a donkey. And someone to to? Success, followed by finding out because I have 0 rich friends and 0 com- follow the donkey around and pick up posting worms. success didn’t make me happy. f 85 the poop. Ehh, I can probably just tie shorter skirt onstage” was both. a bag to its butt. A good old butt bag! If you could make a 30-second What are you absolutely determined phone call to yourself at any age, to do? Write for actual TV and never past, present or future, when would use the phrase “YouTube Channel” you call, and what would you tell again. I’m also determined to never yourself? I would call myself 5, 10 or stop eating cheese, no matter what it 20 years in the future to say, “STOP does to my body or loved ones. WHAT YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW!” What was the best compliment you’ve I don’t know what I’ll be doing, but I received? “Your comedy transcends know the call applies. your hair.” When do you feel truly alive? When Which of your scars has the most my doctor takes my pulse, then says, interesting story behind it? I have a “Whoa, too fast!” scar on my chin because one day when What’s the worst thing about getting I was 16 I got really bored, so I dumped older? Watching my value in a sexist a bunch of shampoo on the fl oor and society slowly dwindle until I become slid around on my butt. When I tried to invisible. I mean uh, “kids and their get up, I slipped and banged my chin. music” or something. Snapchat. Yeah. Are you a psychiatric professional? What’s your favorite holiday? Yom What is this? Kippur, because I get to hear my mom If you could make one rule that ev- say “I’m sorry.” eryone had to follow, what would it Who or where would you haunt, if be? If you don’t know a female comic you were a ghost? I’d haunt the men in person and you tag her joke on social I’ve casually dated, with my emotions. International Waters media, Venmo her fi ve bucks. Actually it wouldn’t be that different A comedy quiz I owe you some money. What are from now. I’d be see-through, I guess. show where land you addicted to? Personal validation. What do you hope your last words laws don’t apply. What is one of your favorite smells? will be? I’d like to pull an Oscar Wilde, a podcast from Sunscreen & condom rubber. It reminds say something witty and lie around maximumfun.org me of the beach where I grew up. silently for weeks waiting to die. What quirks do you have? I know this What’s your last meal? My last meal is a written interview so just imagine I will consist of the hearts and minds of handed you a copy of the DSM-V. the people who dared condemn me to What’s the best piece of advice you’ve death. If those people are God, so be ever gotten? Or, the worst? “Wear a it.

86 NY/NJ comedic actor (40s-50s) ¿Gotu Ts namis? S tudy Cartooning and Il- available for auditions, readings, Or some other annoyingly in- lustration at the School of runs of any length. Resume and convenient problem at your lo- Visual Arts. We offer courses pictures: DavidCNeal.com. cal beach, port or 5-star resort? by Tom Motley, Steve Brod- Give a shout, we’ll sort you out! ner, Carl Potts, and more! http://eCoast.co.nz Fall courses are enrolling now. IT Came From [email protected] www.sva.edu/ THE BOTTOM SHELF! coastal dynamics • tsunamis • continuing-education/ Bottomshelfmovies.com is a erosion • wave pools • surfing illustration-and-cartooning film recommendation website reefs • resorts • marinas • focusing on forgotten classics, marine ecology Visual Realia lesser-known gems, and odd- Interested in placing an ad? Email [email protected]. The American Bystander Solutions offered worldwide! reserves the right to reject any ad for any reason. We do not guarantee the quality of the items being Photography, food and ball discoveries. It’s the video No beach out of reach! sold, or the accuracy of the information provided. Ads are provided directly by sellers and are not verified. everything visual: collector’s resource for movie The absurdity of advertising www.visualrealia.com. reviews, weekly new release CARTOON CompaNION UY O Like Comics? coastal engineering services to video picks, upcoming Blu-ray/ Cartooncompanion.com is a Sure you do! Who doesn’t? Confederacy of drones a bunch of writers and English DVD announcements, sales new website that discusses (well, ignore those dweebs). political satire majors isn’t lost on me, but hey, alerts, and other cinematic and rates the cartoons in The For the finest in graphic sto- Using humor to shoot down the I like the Bystander, so why not? news. Bottomshelfmovies.com New Yorker. Co-hosts Max and rytelling, look ahead to 2018 political hypocrisy of mindless Simon trade amusing observa- for the premiere of BERGER drones. tions and barbs with each new J ANE AusteN MUSIC Live mu- BOOKS, created by the leg- confederacyofdrones.com issue. TNY cartoonists have endary Karen Berger, founding sic from the English Regency contributed to the site and Lots of National Lampoon era for dancing or ambience editor of VERTIGO! And the praised it. Future posts will Art Director? The also leg- Lots of Nat Lamps for sale. in the San Francisco area. include interviews of the car- Various monthly issues and [email protected] endary - except not so much toonists and cartoons that The - Richard Bruning! Top notch Best Ofs. Mostly in pretty good New Yorker rejected. talent too. Watch for this revo- condition. $4 each or more per DOPE Y Podcast cartooncompanion.com lutionary new imprint from indy issue plus postage. Email me On the dark comedy of pioneer Dark Horse. with any particular issue you drug addiction. do you read the other A.B.? need at [email protected]. www.dopeypodcast.com Attempted Bloggery — An art The Comic Torah Thank you and Godspeed. blog about cartoons and other Stand-up comic Aaron Freeman Comic Studies at the Univer- I N Memoriam: high culture. Published more or and artist Sharon Rosenzweig sity of Wisconsin-Madison http:// F h reak C ic Studios Johnson Dunst, Jr., the deaf- less daily since 2011. reimagine the Torah with pro- humanities.wisc.edu/research/ Jewelry, Art & Accoutrements mute imbecile who would bring attemptedbloggery. vocative humor and irreverent borghesi-mellon-workshops/past- for the Eclectic Heart. our pre-separated trash and blogspot.com reverence. Each weekly portion workshops/comics2 www.freakchicstudios.com recyclables from the Bystander gets a two-page spread. Like that’s Dubyah Dubyah Dubyah main offices to his religiously- the original, the Comic Torah is dot FreakChicStudios dot See excepted home incinerator just currency conversion not always suitable for children. Oh Em. Twitter: @FreakChic- over the border in West Los by mail “Hyperactive, colorful art brings Studio / Instagram: Freak Chic Angeles, has died. Cause of Convert unwieldy US folding the story to life.” — Publisher’s Studios / CB Callsign: Freak death is believed to have been money into small denominations! Weekly “If God was a comic 2 The Chic. Be a good human his correct knowledge that the Send $10 bill get back $5 bill. artist, this is what She would and buy my stuff! Ten-four good life expectancy of a deaf-mute Send *one* $20 bill receive a have drawn.” —Harold Ramis buddy. Keep the bugs off your imbecile in AD 1732 was nine completely different bill. Never “Awesome!” — Alison Bechdel The MAN WHO KILLED REALITY glass, and the bears off your... combined with his apparent, yet ask for change again! Do not “Sacred & profane at the same The Prefab Messiahs explain TAIL. Over and out. woefully misguided, belief that delay! time.” — Paul Krassner all! Observe their hit animated it is now AD 1732. Mr. Dunst, Contact @Specky4Eyes benyehudapress.com/ct or musical video on the Youtubes: Serious inquiries only. No fatties. The Misadventures of Jr., leaves no known next of kin, amzn.to/2npmv4V youtube.com/prefabmessiahs Li’l Donnie though he was known to smile Making Comics Great Again - for days whenever he success- Actor Natalie's Castles? Since 2017! fully spelled the word “Klecko” in donniecrys.blogspot.com or cursive. We wish him well. follow “Donald Littles” (w/the C C S S C I S T S H I R T asterisk pic) on the facebooks! TO NY IsaBELLA’S NEW BOOK July 1963: A Pivotal Month in A H A T O N E S O O N E R MX Y ProJEkt the Comic-Book Life of Tony Is- Free long-form Ambient Drone abella Volume One. Obsessive T E L A M E N A S S I S I music. Great for relaxation, nostalgic fun that inspired the meditation, sleep. Nod off in career of the creator of Black style! Money back guarantee. Lightning, Misty Knight, Tigra F L U M M O X E S T O P soundcloud.com/myxprojekt and more. Available in print and digital formats from Amazon. I S T O O I C H N E I L L Superman competes in the COMEDIANS DEFYING GRAVITY Interplanetary Olympics. The Comedians Defying Grav- coming of the Avengers. Baby S E E D S L A O A G A V E ity highlights Chicago com- Huey’s criminally negligent par- edy: interviews, weekly events ents. Batman’s super-powered H A D I B E S P A N G L E S calendar and more. CDG is dog. All this and so much more. part of ChicagoNow, the Chi- cago Tribune Media Group’s F I T B U S A(r ve y good) blogging network.http://www. Literary Agency chicagonow.com/comedians- Why, you must have stellar H A B I T U A T E S A F R O defying-gravity taste to be here. Are you also an extremely talented writer A R R E T L A P G L U E D WFULLTF O I Funny poems and with a book idea? Let’s talk. more. The Killing Tree by J.D. I’m Scott at sgould@rlrassoci- S C A R Y E G O R A L L Y Smith can be found at most on- ates.net. line sellers and at the link. www.finishinglinepress.com/ www.kingcormack.com A H I C A N O O D L E S product/the-killing-tree-by-j- d-smith/ drunk monkeys C I N E M A L I P S O A S America’s finest “two women Patsy O’Brien drinking odd liquors and talking Alt-Celtic Songwriter about it” web series may be found O V E R L Y O N E S U S E Award-winning at drunkmonkeyshow.com — only NPR - featured. one ‘s’, so it’s Drunk Monkeys W E D G I E G E N E T E Y www.patsyobrienswebsite.com how? 2017

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Nimbus, the cele- no baloney! Or, http://amzn.to/2dJh1Kk Attention all hungry cartoonists brated immobile astronomer, is The American Values Club passing through Chicago: visited by a variety of repulsive creatures and events. Will they Crossword (formerly the On- Contact Jonathan Plotkin T HE KILLING TREE George Booth: cartoons, illus- ever disturb his meditations? ion AV Club Crossword): It’s Editorial Cartoonist & Illustrator Part funny. Part serious. Part trations. Other services: grass View the comic and blog, shop rude, it’s clued, and you’ll get Minister of Ways and Means cynical. All intelligent. J.D. fires stomped out and despots for Zen of Nimbus t-shirts and used to it. NCIS Chicago Chapter Smith’s fourth collection of deterred. 929-210-0707 Subscribe at avxword.com. [email protected] poetry, from Finishing Line artwork: spontoonist.com Press. 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9090 dockstreetpress.com nDeX to this issU i Stuff you might not have noticed • By Dirk Voetberg e

Aardvarks, 43 Game of Thrones “Which Character Are With cobras as murder weapon, 93 Aare assholes, 43 You” app, Russian hacking of, 72 Pop-up books, sourcing in academic al-Assad, Bashar, as victim of evil-sham- Handel, George Frederic, composer of papers, 16 ing, 19 “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” Invention by Hitler to promote the Ants, dismissed as “try-hards,” 82 81 Volkswagen, 16 Artisanal small-batch heroin, 124-125 Halloween costumes, most popular of Renaissance of 11th century, shitty re- Averroes, Pomeranian named, 101 2017, 73 gional theme park based on, 118 Baby shower registry, 77 Ai Weiwei, 73 Should I Give My Dog a Brazilian?, on Dark Web, 77 Bitcoin, 73 104 Birth control, homemade, 16 “Our once-vibrant democracy,” 73 Sexual harassment, nemonic device for Blood diamonds, 9-11 Kids home metallurgy kits, 71 remembering not to, 81 “He went to Blood Jared,” 10 Buyer’s guide to, 71 Silent e, MIT detects sound emitting Spotting blood cubic zirconium, 11 Funny stories involving, 71 from, 17 Celebrating the You That’s Inside of Horrifi c dangers of, 71 Soylent Green, “Autumn blend,” 8-9 You, 93 Jong-un, Kim, weird sense of humor of, It’s people (and pumpkin spice), 9 Organ by organ, 93 70-73 Tattoos, taint, 90 Throwing self surprise party, 93 Love of General Sung-Il’s Woody Allen “Taintoos” on Venice Boardwalk, 90 Sending invitations, 93 impression, 71 Who would ever see that? 90 Do I need to RSVP?, 93 Quest for ICBM that shoots out a fl ag Worn away by friction of walking, 90 Christmas, 4 reading “BOOM!”, 73 “That’s Incredible!” TV show (1980-84), back thrown out in attempt to shove Juggs magazine, onion dome on Manhat- 41-3 the “Christ” back into, 4 tan skyrise headquarters, 17 not really incredible, 42 Clapper, The, one-hand clap recogni- Kipchoge, Eliud, Kenyan marathoner, 40 actually, John Davidson’s hair was tion, 95 Breaks world record, 40 pretty incredible, 43 “Coolness,” Confucian ideas regarding, Receives coveted 26.2 sticker, 40 Titanic, novelty “ah-OOO-gah!” horn 99 Librettist, fi nding the best one for you, 55 of, 59 Cuban, Mark, misplacing of Dallas Mav- MacArthur Foundation, sarcastic “Total Predicted by Jeanne Dixon, 59 ericks, 6 Friggin’ Genius” Grant, 89 “Titty twisters,” use in martial arts, 93 Deathbed, death couch that folds out Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade 2017, Typefaces, proper use of, 103-7 into, 23 Breitbart fl oat in, 40 Sectarian violence related to, 104 Degenerate Art, 108 Mascara for infants, 60 Weather, as infallible signal of God’s emo- Degenerate Home Ec, 109 Mount Rushmore, 13-14 tions, 34 Deep State, rise of, 111 Lincoln nostril, Hitchcock boxers Partly-cloudy day after man puts Deep DMV, surprising effi ciency of, found in, 14 ketchup on hot dog, 34 111 Unidentifi ed one with glasses, 14 Unseasonable warmth as pleasure over Deodorant, “Spicy Marinara” scent, 18 Nostradamus, 83 legal weed, 34 Dictionary, new audio book of, 30 Prediction of Ben & Jerry’s Salted Weinstein’s Guide to Gentlemanly Be- Female sexual vocalization, 27-8 Caramel Core fl avor, 83 havior, 39-40 As evolutionary strategy, 27 Suspicious reluctance to play the Always offer a drink or movie role As ringtone, 28 Lotto, 83 before beginning to masturbate, 39 Frosty the Snowman, 54 NRA bill to outlaw thoughts and prayers, Sure, “no means no,” but what does Promise to “be back again some day,” 67 that second “no” mean?, 40 54 Piñatas, for adults, 93 Yankovic, “Weird Al,” 31 Frostian prophet warning that “some Divorce papers inside, 93 “34’46.719,” spoof of John Cage’s day” nearly upon us, 54 Filled with single-malt, 93 “34’46.776,” 31

Dirk Voetberg is a comedy writer best known for The Fightin’ Guy Lady Tigers of St. Barry High. 91 cRoSSWoRd #5 BY MATT MATERA & ALAN GOLDBERG ctor natalie’s castles a You’ll put it together eventually — if not, there’s always page 87 across 1. Keeps in the loop 4. Palaeoclimatology and cetology, for example (abbr.) 8. Lousy gift? 14. Whodunnit exclamation 15. Sculpt, for example 16. Jayhawk’s neighbor 17. ___ Aviv (city with more than 100 sushi restaurants) 18. “Preach!” 19. Home of the Basilica of St. Francis 20. *Oafs from the Sunshine State? 23. With “the,” a Coolidge dollar, cel- lophane, or the Louvre? 24. “Yes huh!” 25. Bin predecessor, in Bavaria 26. Actor Sam of “Jurassic Park III” 28. Persephone ate six of them 29. Southeast Asian language 30. Trendy sugar alternative 31. “___ but known, I would have acted differently” 32. *Custom-made three-sided fi gures? 34. Is it too tight? Well, don’t have one 36. Montgomery boycott target 37. *People constantly earning sheep- skins? 32. Heat unit (abbr.) 43. Erykah Badu hairstyle Down 33. Six-pack components 47. Word on a New Brunswick stop sign 1. Fool online, or food on a line 35. Teeny-tiny 48. Quarter-mile, often 2. Actor Peretti of “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” 37. Goes ape 49. Used a stick on a model car? 3. Formally acknowledged 38. Historian’s resource 50. Like the American political climate 4. Occasional Beach Boys drummer (and 39. Conked in the noggin 51. The President’s is extremely fragile actor) John 40. Guinness from England, not Ireland 52. Type of cap worn late in baseball 5. Crooner Perry 41. Filipino language games 6. Like Dante or Napoleon at their deaths 42. “Les Miz” character who sacrifi ces 53. Yellowfi n tuna 7. Father-and-son Roman writers for Marius 54. *Teacup pups from Calgary? 8. TLA at MSY or ORD 44. ___ war (no-holds-barred battle 56. Art form for Wiseau and Wood 9. Brillo competitor royale) 60. “Two blushing pilgrims,” to Romeo 10. Santa’s exclamations 45. Keep going with a fl at? 61. Western Hemisphere org. 11. M, L, or K, for example 46. Minivan that hopefully doesn’t take 62. Too too 12. Tie up loose ends, like a detective in 10 years to get to your destination? 63. They’re often broken at arcades a novel you’re reading again? 49. “___ Pointe Blank” (Cusack fi lm) 64. Wield 13. The most by any player in a baseball 55. Go on before the headliner 65. Atomic weapon? season is 36 (Chief Wilson, 1912) 57. Unit of work 66. WaPo columnist Weingarten 21. Adverb or adjective 58. Birth year of Chinese poet and cal- 67. Pseudonymous mystery writer 22. Chop ___ ligrapher Mi Fu Josephine 26. Orkan signoff word 59. Swab’s assent 27. Sandwich selection

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