Jefferson City Halloween 1977
Total Page：16
File Type：pdf, Size：1020Kb
RIcK gEARY 1 PUBLISHER’S LETTER BY MICHAEL GERBER efferson city halloween 1977 JA scary tale. he rot emerged at a different worship God, as much as hide behind friend. He was kind and imaginative and time and place for everybody, Him — praying He’d protect them from funny, and when he told you something, Tbut for me it started in 1977. themselves. you knew it was the truth…if only to him. It was Halloween night, and we’d just And that brings me back to the rot. The night started out perfectly, and moved from St. Louis to Jefferson City. soon we were holding so much candy Jefferson City is the capital of Missouri, alloween had always been a fa- that the black handles on our little plastic but don’t let that fool you; it was — and Hvorite holiday of mine. First, my pumpkins were beginning to give. “Let’s I suspect still is — a sleepy little burg mom made awesome costumes. Second, go to my house and dump,” I said when wheezing along on the miniscule plea- people seemed to be more themselves on we finished McCarty. “Then we do High.” sures and manufactured excitements of Halloween, and I’ve always found that re- Ross looked dubious. I had a crazy dog small-town life. Trips to the pizza parlor. assuring. Back in the CWE, on Halloween named Gus, half black Lab, half devil. Church socials. High school football. gay people got a little gayer; blacks and “Gus eats books and bras,” Ross said. Some people love this life, but even at whites got along a little better; bartenders “Just think what he’d do to candy.” age 8, Jeff City was not for me. Our old would give you an extra cherry in your Straining, I raised my plastic pumpkin. neighborhood in the Central West End Shirley Temple. “Your dad sees all this, he’s going to end was like Paris in the ’20’s compared, and I was going as a bum, and between our mission. And your mom is going to my mother the painter had gotten off on Mom’s expert styling and Dad’s overcoat, throw most of yours away.” the wrong foot when she asked the ging- I looked great. My best friend, Ross, had Ross had a problem with sugar. His ham-clad mother of my school chum, an awesome Chewbacca costume which, problem was, he loved it; loved it like a “Are there any good bars in town?” in that Year of Star Wars, promised to foot fetishist loves stilettos. Once, when Mrs. Smith (we’ll call her that) cer- be a crowd-pleaser. The two of us were he was spending the night, my parents tainly didn’t wear pearls, but whatever poised to extract so much candy that made the huge error of letting us go to she did wear, she clutched. In small- High and McCarty Streets would require Whaley’s Drugstore and buy Hostess town America, it’s not polite to discuss a full twelve months to recover. cupcakes. Mom, Dad and I watched in one’s pleasures. Those are things to be Ross and I planned it like a military amazement as Ross basically reverse- feared, then given into in secret — at campaign. We’d start out on his block, engineered the thing. First he removed home with the lights off, or in the woods, where the homes were a little bigger; big its cap of black, slightly rubbery icing; or at a truck stop men’s room six miles houses give out big candy, especially in then he peeled off the white strip of out on Highway 50. the early evening when stocks are plen- squiggles. After breaking the icing into Tragically, all this shame turns the tiful. We’d work five blocks of McCarty, 20, roughly equal pieces, Ross then split natural and inevitable search for a then turn and go down High, toward the cake in half. He licked out the center little fun into something that might my house, where we’d finish the night. filling, expertly, then began to eat the ruin your life. Back then the scourges This, too, was part of the plan; Ross’s cake. Each bite of the spongy, bitter were pregnancy and paraquat, but the father was ex-Navy and could be strict. pastry was paired with a piece of icing. Jeff City I knew was an opioid crisis My dad was young and artsy, a profes- As Ross finished, we all resisted the urge waiting to happen. People there didn’t sional photographer, and likely to turn to clap, so intense was his commitment a blind eye to anything we did, as long to this harmless pleasure. (Harmless until Michael as we didn’t actually throw up. about an hour later, when the sugar hit. Gerber Plus, my parents loved Ross. In that Bedtime came late that night.) (@mgerber937) is inauthentic town, he was always 100% Back under the streetlights, Ross knew Editor & Publisher himself. This didn’t always serve him I was right. “Okay,” he said, “we’ll go to of The American in school — he did well in the classes your place.” Bystander. he liked, and nodded off in the ones he Walking into my house, we fought Gus didn’t — but he was the best kind of off and went into my bedroom. Helping 2 each other raise our buckets, we dumped by an obese ex-merchant marine named hen the divvying came, Ross was our massive haul onto the dresser. “Can Charlie with no front teeth who (it was Win no condition to do business, so I have your Butterfinger?” said) gave out beers for Halloween. I I just let him take whatever candy he “Sure.” I didn’t like them anyway. “But didn’t want beer, though I thought Ross wanted, and took his discards without wait to eat it. I need you sharp.” could probably use one. protest. (That was the year I learned Dad stuck his head in. “Done already?” This house, though, was where our to like Mary Janes.) Then, we made a “Please don’t let Gus in here!” I said friends Ben and Luke lived. “Have you small pile for Ben and Luke, and hid it as we pushed past. “You can have some seen the twins tonight?” in the heating register next to my bed. candy.” “No,” Ross said. “Maybe they’re (Unfortunately, the weather changed Ross was appalled. “Why did you say sick?” the next day, fusing it into a giant glob that?” he hissed as we galumphed down “We’ll give ’em some of our candy.” of sucrose and wrappers. Gus discovered the rotting wooden stairs of our rotting The lights were on inside, we could see it, licked it, then vomited.) wooden house. “Because, Ross, Dad will that, but nothing happened after the first I ended up with all the pamphlets. I eat less than Gus will.” press of the doorbell. I got an ominous knew what my mom would say: “This guy feeling. “We should go,” I said, and had can’t draw.” But if the pictures sucked, igh Street was, if anything, better turned when Ross, mad with candy-lust, the stories were even worse: Everyone Hthan McCarty. I knew and liked, in- A lot of parents cluding myself, was were impressed by going to hell. One my costume — I pamphlet was about had a cork 5 o’clock Catholics, that was shadow, and smoked us. Another talked a carrot wrapped in about men like those brown construction nice friends of my paper. “Are you a parents, the couple gorilla?” the clue- who made beauti- less ones asked Ross, ful Christmas orna- and after a while, we ments. Jews like my started saying “yes” friend Rolf. African- just to save time. Americans like my rber e G Halfway down the friend Stanley. block, I looked over This was the rot. o G at Ross. His mask was Sure, the Smiths were r G e slidry up on his head; nice — to our faces. and his mouth was But if this was the covered in Butterfin- Your author on the night in question. Dad snapped this before the hunt began. God they loved, some ger crumbs. “I couldn’t help it,” he said. gave the bell a vicious stab-and-hold. He part of them must hate us. And fear us, From that moment, I was racing was still pressing it when Mrs. Smith too. If they feared us, what might they against time — could we finish our came to the door. As usual, she was do to us, if they ever got the chance? rounds, get home and divvy up the loot, dressed like Holly Hobbie. That was a scary thought. before all that high-fructose corn syrup “Trick or treat!” Ross yelled. He was But I also felt bad for them. To look at hit Ross’s bloodstream? The smart thing pogoing. two 8-year-olds dressed for Halloween would’ve been to stop right then, but I “Hello, boys,” she said. “I’m sorry to and see Satan — the manifestation of couldn’t stop. We were on a roll. see you.” pure evil — that sounds awful. It sounds By the time we got to the last house, “Oh, Ross just ate some candy,” I said. like hell. What do you do for people that Ross’s movements were sudden and “He’ll be fine in the morning.” scared, that crazy? I still don’t know, erratic, and his skin was coated in a fine “Are Ben and Luke sick?” Ross said.