Fall 2007

THE JOURNAL OF GAY SPIRIT VISIONS Volume 13, Number 3

CHANGE Dealing with it Accepting it Creating It  GSV News and Information

We pulled off six conferences before some of us dared to consider becoming a legally existing, not-for-profit corporation Visionary (ISSN 1533-8231) is the journal of of the state of Georgia. With incorpora- Gay Spirit Visions and a publication of The Council of Trusted Elders of Gay Spirit tion came structure, bylaws and officers. Visions, Inc., a Georgia not-for-profit corpo- In our first year of existence as a legal ration recognized under Section 501(c)(3) of believe change is inevitable, even per- entity, we selected fiveElders – Presiding, Internal Revenue Code of the United States. vasive in our lives. As a child, change Recording, and Bursar plus two more struck from one school year to the – by drawing names from a bowl! Everyone Gay Spirit Visions I next, or was thrust upon me by my par- else was called a planner. Today there are Mailing Address: ents. My body changed constantly, too. seven Elders, nominated, discussed and P.O. Box 339, Decatur, GA 30031-0339 And I was aware the world was chang- approved by the entire council. The rest ing well beyond the front door of our of the men comprising the council are Voice mail: (404) 658-0221 three-bedroom, two-bath ranch house in called Stewards. Over the past eighteen Huntsville, Alabama. I’m old enough to years this process has included Radical E-mail: [email protected] remember the assassinations of a presi- Faeries and Pagans, Jews and Catholics, a dent and a civil rights leader, the scan- bevy of Democrats, at least one Libertar- Website: dal of Watergate, the tragedy of Vietnam ian and, yes, a Republican. www.gayspiritvisions.org and the surreal ex- GSV has evolved considerably as an or- clamation point that ganization. We began by organizing and R followed it all: disco. facilitating our annual fall conference, Council of Trusted Elders Okay, after all that, but now offer winter and spring retreats, who can blame peo- publish a newsletter, maintain Internet- David Salyer, ple for just wanting to based communications and sponsor a Presiding Elder tune out and dance? variety of events, including potlucks. As a child, it rarely Each year we strive to be relevant and Bruce Parrish, By David Salyer felt as if there was inclusive, examining new ways to serve Elder of Finance much I could do about changes. They men who love men. The composition of were coming at me from all directions, the council changes a bit every year as George Miller, Elder of Archives internally and externally. But as an some men choose to leave and fresh fac- adult, I confess I’m not one of those peo- es show up at the table. One thing hasn’t The 2007 Gay Spirit Visions ple who hate change. I tend to embrace changed: we are all volunteers who Council Members change, and more often than not, I initi- work by consensus, looking for solidar- consists of the Council of Trusted Elders ate it on my own. Ultimately, I now be- ity of opinion. Everyone on council has a plus Kim Pittman, lieve change is usually about the choices chance to speak and be heard. I’ll concede Phil Robst, Al Taylor and we make. Way back in 1992, I chose to at- it can be challenging and frustrating, but Michael “Ma’el” Varnum tend my first Gay Spirit Visions fall con- ultimately a far more rewarding experi- ference never anticipating how it might ence than operating by majority rule. It’s Advisors: Martin “TreeWalker” Isganitis, change my life or me. Now, after thirteen taught me patience and discipline…and Andrew Ramer, John Stowe conferences and eleven non-consecu- reminds me I don’t always have the best Journal Committee: tive years as a member of The Council idea in the room. Al Taylor, Editor of Gay Spirit Visions, I am stepping into There have been four presiding el- Migs Halpern, Assistant Editor the role of Presiding Elder. ders before me, Bernhard Zinkgraf, Mike Goettee, Design & Production Before I talk about what this means to me, Martin Isganitis (Treewalker), Craig I’d like to take you briefly back through the Cook (Craigalee) and Michael Varnum Submission Queries: last eighteen years and illuminate some of (Ma’el). And there are other men on [email protected] the changes I’ve witnessed during my asso- the current council whom I believe ciation with GSV. First, I feel very fortunate would make a fine Presiding Elder. But Please put “GSV Visionary” in the subject line. to have met many of the men who created as GSV enters its nineteenth year, it’s GSV and organized the first conference in going to be me. If you already know me, Address changes & advertising queries: 1990; some are living, some are not, and you know I’m an instigator, a lightning [email protected] some continue to show up at events. When rod and a jester with formidable moth- I came along in 1992, there was no “coun- er-fucking organizational skills. I hate Copyright ©2007 Gay Spirit Visions, Inc. cil,” only a planning committee. There were glitter and no one has ever given me a no titles, no mission statement or bylaws spirit name that stuck. None of that is and no non-profit status. We were just likely to change. a group of men who showed up at some Honestly, the first time I was asked to designated meeting space at 10 a.m. on the consider becoming Presiding Elder, I second Saturday of every month to talk declined. But when asked to reconsider about putting on a conference. Continues on next page GSV News and Information 

Editors’ Page Dearest Brothers:

I am excited to be working on my 3rd is- society had begun teaching me to have the positive changes in my life since the sue of Visionary. It was only one year ago concerning the homosexual urges that age of 18. And with that simple change when I was asking myself if being editor were then becoming acutely strong. At in my thoughts I really prevented myself was something that I could see myself this point of my life all I wanted to do from falling back into my victim mode. doing. Well appar- was get out of my parent’s house and My sadness began turning to joy. ently it is because away from this small town which seemed This is how GSV has helped me change. here I am. Talk about to only support young boys that played Since my first conference in 1996 I have a change, a couple of football and chewed tobacco. This pro- changed a lot. Although I do not consider years ago I could not cess of looking back to my life at 18 re- every change a positive one, overall my have imagined myself minded me how unhappy I was then. It life has changed for the positive. I have in this role. brought back feelings of loneliness and learned how to change the way I perceive At this year’s fall sadness which consumed me as a teen- things. At the age of 18 I was ashamed By Al Taylor conference we looked ager. Thinking back to this time made of my sexuality, while today I am able to back at our lives when we were 18 years me feel those terrible feelings again. embrace my sexual orientation. I have old. For me this brought back many un- Once I realized how depressed I was learned that if you change your thoughts pleasant memories. At the age of 18 as becoming I had to change the way I was you really can change your life. well as many years before that my home looking at the situation. So fortunately I life was a disaster. Searching for a sense decided instead of focusing on how my Al lives in Farner, TN where he is working of family in my life led me to a Pentecos- life was such a car wreck at the age of on his dream of opening a Spiritual Retreat tal church. Unfortunately Church only 18, to start reminding myself of how far Center. He may be reached at adtaccountant@ reinforced those feelings of guilt which I have come since then. I was able to see yahoo.com. The Paradox of Change t seems to me, as many of the au- What I am learning as I trudge the unencumbered by thors remark in the following Vision- path of my life with all of its vicissi- my ego, and I let go, Iary articles, that change is constant tudes, is that the changes have arrived. I my life blossoms. and unavoidable. Yet, the paradox is, the sometimes shunned and resisted them; As my life changes more I change, the more I stay the same. I sometimes accepted them with eager- inexorably, I move Somewhere, buried deep inside, is my ness; there have been changes that have from control to let- connection to Spirit, to the Universe, to entered into my core and remained ting go. As my life the Godhead. There is part of me that is long unnoticed. These changes, with- changes, I move to- By Migs Halpern profound, unchanging, unalterable. As out exception, have slowly opened my ward Rilke’s some- Rainer Maria Rilke wrote: connection to Spirit. As I slide down thing else, what I already am. Join me in My eyes already touch the sunny hill, the razorblade of life (thank you, Tom this fabulously grand journey. It’s a hoot! going far ahead of the road I have begun. Lehrer), I am opened to the unchanging So we are grasped by what we cannot grasp, and unchangeable nature of Spirit (lov- it has inner light, even from a distance – ing and whimsical), as I am opened to Migs Halpern is a social worker living in my commonality and communion with Asheville, NC. He lives happily alone, and and changes us, even if we do not reach it, other humans and humanoids, who are would welcome a partnership with another into something else, which, hardly sensing it, my mirrors and life essences. spiritual, seeking man. If you have any ques- we already are; As I change and grow, I live holding tions or comments about his expository re- a gesture waves us on, answering our own the tension of this paradox I call life: the marks above, email him at [email protected]. wave… desire to know and control all versus the but what we feel is the wind on our faces. learning that if I let Spirit do her work

Elder’s Perch continued by men I have known a long time and smile, he added, “or rather dragged kick- respect enormously, I chose to step up. ing and screaming through the ranks.” At the fall conference, Treewalker of- And so what does it mean to me to be the David Salyer is a retired journalist, and fered his congratulations, saying he was next Presiding Elder? It’s not about the HIV/AIDS educator and activist residing pleased by this development after see- title, it’s still about the work – I take pret- in Atlanta, Georgia. He is currently single, ing me rise up through the ranks over ty seriously the business of creating safe, not desperate. Contact him at cubscout@ the years. Then, flashing that inimitable sacred space for men who love men. mindspring.com.  GSV News and Information

Please feel free to suggest THE SEVENTH ANNUAL future themes for Visionary. Here is a list of some upcoming themes. • Overcoming Addiction • Thoughts or Visions of the After-Life • Removing Judgment

Please contact Migs ([email protected]) or Al ([email protected]) to suggest a future theme or to volunteer to write an article for an announced theme. For questions, comments, suggestions or submissions concerning Visionary please contact Al at [email protected] or [email protected] February 1-3, 2008 At The Mountain Retreat & Learning Center, near Highlands, NC

Come join your Spirit Brothers as we explore Active Meditations Active meditations use the body as the key into divine trance states. Through motion we release energetic blocks, clear the mind of chatter and integrate the mind, body and spirit connection into a harmonious Our Mission Statement joyous state of “now” being. We are committed to creating safe, sacred space that is open to all spiritual paths, In the rhythm of the body we can trace our wherein loving gay men may explore and holiness, to states of being where all identities strengthen spiritual identity. dissolve into an eternal flow. We are committed to creating a spiritual Gabrielle Roth community with the intent to heal, nurture our gifts and Check our web site for updates on the presenters potential, and live with integrity and activities of this weekend. in the world. www.gayspiritvisions.org We are committed to supporting others in their spiritual growth by sharing Register by calling The Mountain Retreat & Learning experiences and insights. Center at (828) 526-5838 or download a registration form at To fulfill these goals we facilitate annual retreats our web site and mail directly to and conferences, sponsor social events, The Mountain. publish a newsletter, and maintain Internet-based communications for men who love men. Photo: Lem Arnold GSV News and Information 

CALENDAR GSV POTLUCKS GSV HEART CIRCLES GSV Potlucks in Atlanta, are held the fourth Held the second Sunday of every month at 7:30 Dear Brothers: Saturday of the month at 7:30 p.m., unless p.m., hosted by Wendell Johnson and Lem Arnold. otherwise noted. GSV potlucks are drug- and For location and more information, contact Steve Deitchman recently passed alcohol-free events. Wendell at [email protected] or Lem at away unexpectedly while having [email protected] a medical procedure on August November–Mike Goettee, Roy Smoot and Marty Harris, 20. Steve had attended a num- [email protected] GSV COUNCIL MEETINGS ber of GSV events including last December–Wendell Johnson, [email protected] The GSV council usually meets on the 2nd year’s fall conference. He par- Saturday of each month at 1151 Sheridan Road ticipated in the Asheville group, January–George Miller, [email protected] in Atlanta. They begin at 10 A.M. and usually ManSpirit, as well as other Ashe- Beginning in 2008, please check our site finish before 2 P.M. Any GSV brother is welcome ville-area gatherings. He worked for locations: www.gayspiritvisions.org. to attend. We also encourage our brothers at Gaia Herbs in Brevard, NC. to consider coming to the table as a council member. Please contact any council member for more information.

GSV GATHERINGS The dates for GSV events at The Mountain in 2008 have been set as follows: Winter Meditation Retreat — Feb 1-3, 2008 Spring Retreat — Apr 11-13, 2008 (tentative) Hosting a potluck is a simple and effective way to serve GSV. Please let Fall Conference — Sep 18-21, 2008 (with optional us know if you can host. Wednesday, 9/17) Contact Bruce Parrish at We look forward to seeing you at The Mountain! [email protected].  FEATURE SECTION

CDealingH with Ait, ac c eN p t i n g I t,G C r e atE i n g I t 

CHANGE The More Things Change...

he more things change, the more too well. One of our strengths as a fam- Over time, I found happiness and they stay the same. Seasons ily has always been our ability to com- sadness, successes and failures. I’ve Tchange. Money changes every- municate; both the good and the bad. lived a normal life very similar to what thing. We live in a world of constant But I had emerged a new creature, and my parents had imagined I would live and rapid change. We change channels, my parents wanted me to change. As a when I was young. As time went on, change lanes, change stations, change family, we are all fiercely stubborn and and my parents shared parts of my life, our hair, our clothes, and our minds. And opinionated. My parents never changed their ideas of being gay changed. They sometimes peo- their minds when they were set on realized that I was the same son they’d ple change their something, especially my father. I re- raised and loved, and that would never minds about us. member when I told them I was gay, my change. They saw their friends dealing We spent a lot of father asked if I had ever had sex with with their children, and the various is- time talking about a woman. When I responded “Hell No!” sues that revolve around life itself. They being 18 years he asked, “Well how do you know you’re have often told me how proud they are old at the last Fall gay?“ I asked him if he had ever slept of the man I’ve become. My parents Conference. That with a man, and he said “Hell No!” and have said more than once that they have By Charles was the age I came I asked him “How do you know you’re always been glad that I was honest with Foesch out to my parents. not?” We fought and argued and said a them. They feel lucky and fortunate that I wanted to share lot of things we would all come to regret. we went through all that crazy shit so some of the changes I went through then, Things weren’t so great for a while. many years ago, and have had so many and how I got to where I am now. But it didn’t stay that way. Our lives years to work through it. They have both I remember as a young child being took many twists and turns. We got old- thanked me for being honest. Because horribly shy and afraid of everything er, and the relationship with my parents the gift of that honesty is, they know that around me. I hid behind my parents and evolved. I’ve spent time talking to my I really am happy when I say I’m happy, depended on them to protect and shield parents about those early years and our and sad when I say I’m sad. They never me. I felt close to my family, and couldn’t struggles. Frankly I was surprised by my have to wonder if there’s something else imagine my life without them. But grow- parents’ candor and honesty, especially going on. Where I thought my parents ing up, I knew something set me apart my father’s. could never change, they did change. from my family. I felt profoundly dif- They told me that while I was growing But I had to take a chance, and be hon- ferent and out of place. Where we once up, they had hopes, dreams and ideas est with them so they could have that had been close, my secrets kept me sep- of how my life was going to be. chance to change. It was arate and apart. My world was chang- They imagined fairy tales with hard and painful at times, ing inside, and I was afraid to let my weddings and children - the but sometimes we have to family know who I really was. I was 15 whole nine yards. When go through that pain to find years old when I understood what “gay” my “gayness” started to joy. I know now that my parents meant. And once I accepted that, I knew assert itself, my parents’ only ever wanted me to be happy, that I had to define my world and real- hopes and dreams started to erode. the same that most parents hope ity. I wasn’t the perfect son, or the per- My parents felt horrible guilt for even for their children. fect student, or even the perfect friend. suspecting I was gay. My father felt ex- My mother and father truly see me for But I knew that I could be the perfect tremely guilty that he couldn’t protect who I am, and love the real me, the true me, when I decided what that perfect me from all the pain and ridicule he was me. I feel so lucky to have such great me was. I was curious and tentative, and certain I would face. They thought being parents. Way back then, when times fiercely protective of my emerging iden- gay was a horrible life sentence and had were bad, I couldn’t imagine having any tity. Changes were washing over me no point of reference except their own kind of relationship with my parents. geometrically, and I couldn’t even begin Midwestern experience. They couldn’t But seasons changed, times changed, to keep up with them. find a positive replacement for their and minds changed; my Dad’s, my I remember my parents watching me dreams. When I finally did come out to Mom’s, and especially mine. I wish all closely, curious about the man I was be- them, and said the words ”Yes I am gay,” my brothers in GSV can have that kind coming, but not really understanding. I it confirmed their darkest fears. They of relationship within their family. was changing within my own fabulous likened it to a death, because the man chrysalis, fueled by the Village People, they thought I would become would Solid Gold, and movies like Fame and never come to be. And while I was excit- Charles Foesch lives in Charlotte, NC with Xanadu. When it finally became appar- ed and proud to be gay, they felt sadness his two boxers. He works for The Charlotte ent to my parents that we needed to and fear. They were mostly afraid that I Observer newspaper, and plays scrum half for have a conversation, things didn’t go would never find happiness. the Charlotte Royals Rugby Football Club. 

CHANGE : CHANGE Source of Suffering, Source of Bliss

he Buddha said change, “imper- Traditionally in Western (Judeo-Chris- These same phases can be applied to manence,” (anissa) is the source of tian dominated) culture, ethics and alcohol and drug use. And the criterion Tall human suffering. Seeking hap- morality are based in the nature of the isn’t the legitimacy of using mind-alter- piness people cling to what cannot be action at issue, not the age or life-stage ing substances, but the stage of life of the clung to because it necessarily changes of the person performing that action. persons. Children shouldn’t use mind- in the grasp. All things end. To use sex as an example—because so altering substances because their brains The modern much of traditional Western morality are still forming and need to maintain day process phi- is obsessed with sex—if sexual procre- healthy growth conditions. The young losopher Alfred ation of offspring is only valid in mar- adults, on the other hand, are in their North Whitehead riage, then it doesn’t matter what age phase of adventure, risk-taking, and echoed that in people are or what situation they are discovery. Having formed their charac- proposing that the involved in. There’s no justification for ters and identities, they might benefit nature of evil can sex before marriage and none for sex af- from realizing the arbitrariness of ego be expressed in ter, i.e., for widows, for instance, who are and reality by taking acid or tripping two propositions: past childbearing age. on ecstasy. Those middle aged stable By Toby Johnson “things fade” and Yet the reality is that in our modern people, again, are probably supposed to “alternatives ex- world of choice and courtship and serial maintain reasonable sobriety since the clude.” In order to enjoy novelty, we have monogamy, it would make much more developmental task of their life stage is to let the old pass from consciousness; sense to distinguish different phases or achieving stability and satisfaction. But even for what is old today was yesterday’s stages in a person’s life in which differ- the seniors can again be liberated to ex- novelty: time as “perpetual perishing.” ent sexual moralities would apply. Hus- plore the limits of consciousness. The gay-popular horror genre novelist bands and wives with children to raise Embracing change means under- Anne Rice expressed this idea mytho- have a certain obligation to maintain standing that the guidelines and good logically in Interview with the Vampire. Her monogamy and not jeopardize their advice for people’s lives is also always main character explains that the world marriage. But young adults seeking to changing. Lives go through identifi- hasn’t filled up with vampires because train themselves about emotional rela- able phases; Erik Erikson devised his such immortal creatures regularly kill tionships and looking for suitable part- eight stages. Relationships go through themselves after a few lifetimes, because ners have an almost opposite obligation stages and the feelings and interper- they are overwhelmed with the experi- to pursue a kind of promiscuity in the sonal needs involved change predict- ence of loss that comes from watching interests of experiencing variety and ably, and need to be honored for the everything they knew and loved change a pattern of serial monogamy to test sake of strengthening the bond; the and disappear into the past. themselves in relationship with others. late psychologist couple David Mc- The rock group Kansas sang plaintive- And seniors, perhaps now in “widow- Whirter and Andrew Mattison wrote ly, “Don’t hang on. Nothing lasts forever hood,” past the procreative period and, brilliantly about these stages in the but the earth and sky / It slips away and hopefully, fully satisfied with the joys lives of gay men. Faith and religious- all your money won’t another minute of long-term togetherness might be en- ness go through stages: what’s true buy. / All we are is dust in the wind.” couraged to give and receive sexual and for a child is not necessarily true for The gay a cappella singing group The affectionate comfort with a renewed an adult—belief in Santa Claus is the Flirtations offered an answer to this promiscuity that isn’t looking beyond archetypal example, with Biblical lit- suffering. They sang, “The secret of life the present moment. eralism the religious version; James W. is enjoying the passing of time / There In each case, the “sexual morality” is Fowler described six stages of faith. ain’t nothin’ to it / All you gotta do is do derived from who the people are, not One of the biggest flaws in traditional it / Nobody knows how we got to the top what the “act” is. For the role of the “act” moral theory, I’d hypothesize, is that the of the hill / Since we’re on our way down changes throughout a person’s life. “rules” that are supposed to be applica- / Might as well enjoy the ride.” Similar phases, of course, apply to gay ble to everyone are made by males in late I think there are at least two lessons to men and lesbians, though the emphasis middle age when they’ve achieved the be learned from contemplating the na- then is not about creating a nest for chil- standing and authority to make rules, ture of change. One has to do with the dren, but supporting a fulfilling and sta- but also when the fires of youth have importance of adopting developmental ble environment for the individuals. But died down in them and the freedom of models of life and ethics. The other has again the point is the same: the morality old age has yet to dawn. So the rules of to do with learning an attitude of enjoy- isn’t in the sex act, but in the situation and stodgy old men have become the official ment toward the future. developmental stage of the individuals. morality of civilization. Hmmm. 

CHANGE

The joke about the human condition is being more and more conscious and at- casion for joy and expectation and hope. that “nobody gets out of here alive.” The tentive in the here and now. It’s a great ride and you never know what way to “get out of here” is to do so while You know, we might be but specks of might be coming up next. you are still alive. This is the esoteric dust blowing in the wind. But it’s a lovely meaning of the myths of afterlife and day. The sky is perfect blue. The sun shines of “heaven.” The time to get to heaven is warmly, bestowing life and raising the Toby Johnson is the author of Gay Spiritual- while you’re still alive and aware enough winds. The great rush of movement that ity, Gay Perspective, Two Spirits, Charmed to experience it. The function of the myths is driving us through our lives is showing Lives, Secret Matter, Getting Life in of afterlife is to inform your meditation us a marvelous view, even if sometimes it Perspective, Plague, The Myth of the Great and spiritual practice to wake you up to hurts and sometimes we have to grieve. Secret, and In Search of God in the Sexual blissful consciousness now. “All we are is dust in the wind” is great oc- Underworld. He is the former editor of the This is what The Flirtations meant when they sang “Since we’re on our way down / Might as well enjoy the ride.” Re- member the title of that song - it’s a life- saver of an aphorism: “The Secret of Life is Enjoying the Passing of Time.” Whitehead described this shift in atti- tude when he wrote: “Time has then lost its character of ‘perpetual perishing’; it becomes the ‘moving image of eternity.” Buddha said the answer to suffering is

Dealing with, Creating and Accepting CHANGE Oh, what comes up when faced with change……. Fear? Anticipation? Dread? Excitement? New perspective? Growth?

or me, it can be any or many of those, life is shallow and contains less meaning. she was upon it, did not feel right, so she and my intention is to continue on Dealing with change, for me, is about returned to her Jewish roots, and today Fa path that includes change in how facing the reality as is illustrated by the is immersed in a life as an observant Jew, I view and experience life. Possibly the quotation, “The only consistent thing is raising two kids to be the same. Whew! first time my cre- change.” The Universe will continue to What a change! ating change was bombard our everyday existence with In 2005, when my male lover in Florida brought to my at- a new look. We can fight it, deny it, or chose to seek a different Spiritual path, tention was during welcome it for the opportunities it of- excluding me from his life as a partner, the divorce proce- fers. Even the occurrences that at first I was put to the toughest test of my life dures from Carol, appear negative and might be labeled that I recall: accepting the change in an- my wife of 22 years. problems, I have found bring with them other human being. It was a difficult pill She, in an effort to a new perspective: hence another po- to swallow. explain why she tentiality for learning and expansion of What I conclude is that the changes I By Ray/ Starshine was divorcing me, whom I am. intentionally implement in my life are (though she said And, then there is dealing with the generally somewhat easy for me. But she “still loved changes that occur in other people in not always simple or without struggle. me,”) said, “you’ve changed, and I don’t my life. Obviously, Carol could not deal Those that the Universe hands me, like the new you.” I had recognized that to with mine. I had some struggles with and those that occur in the behavior grow, I must change. each of my children as to where their and actions of my relationships, are of- So, I responded instantly, and automat- paths and decisions took them at vari- ten a greater test of another, sometimes ically, “Thank you” (for acknowledging ous points of their life. For instance, our tough, but valuable, positive, character that I changed, not for not liking the new daughter, who had grown up in what I trait, ACCEPTANCE. me). It was not my intention to remain felt was a healthy Jewish home, in her Namasté the same, subconsciously, I imagine. college years decided to be baptized. Ray/Starshine Even my wise Rabbi said to his congre- I survived this, and so did she. As it gation, “If, spiritually, we remain the same, turns out, shortly thereafter, she bravely Ray is a not quite single, retired, Gay, Jewish we are stagnant, not growing. Which is changed again, and realized that choice/ member of Religious Science who current- the same as sliding rearward or down- change did not fit her lifestyle. She ad- ly lives in Atlanta/Decatur. He can be ward.” I concluded that without change, mitted she had taken a road that, once reached at [email protected] 10

CHANGE Change: The Ascension of Dissension volve or die… I heard this from my onymous with me. And still I knew low the demon living within me to come freshman science class instruc- that I could change. I knew, deep in my out and play. My glass house began to Etor. Something about dinosaurs heart, (‘cause the bible told me so), shatter. I remained married for another and a plethora of other species going that I could be just like them: those 3 years before separating from the won- extinct. The premise is that if one does cruel people that I wanted so much derful lady that I so desperately wanted not change with to be ‘just like.’ As I moved into adult- to desire. After 11 years of marital sepa- the changing en- hood, I knew that I would have to ration, I became divorced. (Change? vironment, one leave the ‘comfort’ of my own person- What’s the hurry?) will eventually be al hell in order that I may start anew. After many years of self exploration required to move A clean slate on which I could be the and lots and lots of therapy, I allowed out of this envi- well respected heterosexual man that myself to change into what I was all ronment or… Die! my father so desired to have as a son. along. And I began to understand, it As I continue to I would find a good woman to settle wasn’t this change that caused so much grow into matu- down with, make a few babies and live turmoil in my life. Rather, it was my re- By Joe Kiser rity, this statement happily ever after. I would force my sistance to this change that caused the becomes more and star shaped peg into the square hole pain. Sometimes, perhaps, change isn’t more profound for me. of normality. So, at 19 years of age, I something that we make happen. Some- I grew up in the rural south, the Ap- packed all of my worldly belonging times, perhaps, change is something palachian Mountains of Virginia, where into my car to begin my journey into that we let happen. To allow ourselves change was seldom encouraged. Rather, ‘straight’ manhood. In my chartreuse the trust to step off the cliff. Not to force change was more often discouraged. convertible VW bug, wearing my sis- ourselves to fly, but to allow ourselves “Change? What on earth for? Things are to soar on the wings that we have had just fine the way they are.” Thus was cre- since birth. ated the great inner struggle of my life. Instead of “just do it” My own personal yin and yang. “Evolve Note to self: or die” versus “Change? Heavens no!” try “just let it.” New Mantra… Instead of “just do it” try I felt the desire to change at an early “just let it.” age. I was just a wee lad of 6 or 7 years ter’s Jordache jeans, I began my quest when my attraction to boys and men for the oh-so-illusive ‘straight man’ And now, as I believe less and less that began to manifest itself within me. As I that I knew lived within me. I am evil and unworthy of love, I cher- continued into adolescence, I began to And so, it happened. I married. Tah-dah! ish my sexuality. I have evolved. I now believe these feelings to be evil - nasty And here you have it folks. Straight man!! understand that I am worthy of love even. I was taught that this desire was (Straight man!! Straight man!! Where do and respect. That I am not “less than.” I Satan’s way of plucking me from the you come from? [Thank you, Bernice]). now understand that I am a creative and hand of God. I knew that if I wanted to This proved, once and for all, that change beautiful creature, with a desire to live, be liked by friends, loved by family, God was possible. All it took was persistence love, be loved, and be happy in peace. I and country, I would have to change my and a strong will to make myself accept- am evolving so that I may trust and love evil ways. My desire for change was not able to my family, God and country. Ac- myself completely and wholly, without that I wanted to be unique or different. ceptable to all except me. I began to die doubt, without question. As I should Instead, I wanted to change in order because of the constant supply of energy have been doing all along. to be the same as everyone else, to be this required. Slowly but surely, happi- Now then, isn’t that a nice change? another sheep in the flock, content in ness and joy left my life. being exactly like everyone else. Such I was able to maintain this façade for Joe lives with his partner and 2 dogs in a simple desire, and yet, a desire that seven years before the first visible cracks Charlotte, NC. Email: [email protected] would cause havoc for a significant por- appeared. Through the ‘rabbit hole’ that tion of my adult life. was the World Wide Web, I began to al- Things just move slowly in the south, and for me, more slowly still. All through my teenage years and well into my adult years, I did everything I could in order to change myself into something ‘normal’; or, at least, to ap- pear to be normal. In high school, ev- eryone had me figured out. “Faggot,” “pussy,” “queer boy,” all became syn- 11

CHANGE

hildhood was a time for growth, ignore it or give in and let it happen. I learning and change. Yes, change now realize this wasn’t good, although Cin many ways and forms. As I I survived and did reasonably well: not was growing up my thoughts, ideas, living life fully, just alive and existing. sense of what was right or wrong, and Now I deal with change and my life even emotions were guided and influ- by something I call “Living Life Inside enced by my parents, family, teachers Out.” This allows me to focus on me, and others. My real my thoughts and feelings from inside. self, mind, body and I completely block old “programming” spirit, that I was born and think for myself. with was shaped and Living Life Inside Out means: changed to conform to • Taking “me” (thoughts, feelings, generally accepted ideas, etc.) OUT of my head, heart or thoughts, behavior wherever they are and creating my By Arnold Peluso and ideas of our so- change. “Dragonfire” ciety. You might say • Coming from inside with external in- that this was a form of fluences to institute change. programming. Of course everyone had • Living life fully. Tell your story! their own program and tried to change • Don’t like it (anything)? Changing it me to their ways. All of this led to some starts with you. conflicts, turmoil, and confusion. Can • Letting go, bringing power/energy you just picture it? OUT. Not holding back. Meanwhile, as I was getting older I was • Follow through on your ideas, dreams told to “think” for myself, use my mind, or thoughts that just seem to pop into deal with change, etc. HOW? your head at any time. I suspect this story in some form or other is true for most of us. By living inside out you are letting that How to deal with this life of change real you, without “programming,” be is the challenge. Over the years I have free as you were meant to be. broken free of some programming that was not me—not right for me. I accept Some thoughts and questions that and understand that much of childhood help me: programming was good and is needed • When I say no, don’t or disagree, I am even now. I know also that even now prepared to ask myself “so what do I and throughout our lives there will al- want?” ways be people and situations trying to • Inspiration within is waiting for me. influence or change our life. Knowing It’s time to go deep. who I am and living life fully keeps me • Doing what is right? Or, should that in control. be: Doing what you feel? Now back to that “think for myself, • Doing what matters. use my mind, deal with change, etc.” I • Knowing when to stop or change. now realize that dealing with change also On this journey of life, change is with means dealing with its close family: fear, you always, until the end. Embrace it lies, evil, pain and emotions. Through fully and Live Life Inside Out! the years I have used many different ap- proaches to deal with and make chang- es in my life; some worked, some didn’t. Arnold is a massage therapist who lives in In the past, my favorite ways of dealing Smyrna, Ga. He may be reached at with change has been to let it go away, [email protected] 12

INVOCATION

For the men of Gay Spirit Visions, and in memory of James Broughton

Spirit infuse us Spirit bemuse us Nasty Spirit engage us Spirit enrage us All my life I was told that I was nasty Spirit enfold us All I knew is that I was as I was Spirit embold us I knew I felt different But I did not understand what nasty meant Raise us and blaze us Bend us and mend us I grew and became aware of my difference Lead us and feed us Instead of girls I like boys, Spirit embrace us Boys like myself. Spirit deface us They excited me Spirit refine us And I was drawn to them. Spirit define us But others told me that was nasty. Spirit anoint us My parents, my friends, my church Spirit disjoint us And even the man who stood in front Hold us and mold us Of my church Anneal us and heal us Who said “ God is Love” Bless us and bliss us Pronounce that I and others like me And take us back home Were Nasty. —Dave Cable I tried to fit in their mold But found that to do so Made me deny the self that God had created And therefore Made me nasty to myself. I had to come to grips Encuentro With not my nastiness but my difference I’m grateful for the cute boy who makes my food I had to reach down at California Tortilla. And Find “Love” in my difference. He has dreams in his eyes, I was fortunate to do so. tastes in his smile. Today I know Salsa. Avocado. Mango. Lime. God is Love When he hands me the order, he grins And nastiness and gives me extra chips. Is only in the eyes of humans. Occasionally he stops by the table And in the words they say to ask “Can I get you anything?” to each other. I request a napkin since I’ve spilled Today I know , “God is Love” White creamy horchata in my lap. And I am careful of I like that he has touched my food. How I judge others , It feels like a blessing. And especially What I call Nasty. Someday, I’ll get my nerve up to ask if I can cook a meal for him. —David B. Witt After all, my mole is uncompromising, my tamales, hot and fresh. When he’s had his fill, maybe he’ll tell me of the dreams in his eyes. —Bob Strain 9/28/07 13

GSV News and Information

A LETTER FROM AN EVERGREEN PROJECT RECIPIENT

would like to start by thanking all the men that were involved with creating, funding, and orga- Inizing the Evergreen Project. Without you won- derful people I would not have been able to experi- ence this life-altering event. Through the Evergreen Project I was able to participate this year, but after experiencing this wonderful environment I will surely be coming back again. This weekend allowed me to realize so many things about myself, and the male gay community at large. It made me realize that we as gay men can love ourselves, and be okay with that. I found that Front (left to right): Marco Sanchez, Robbie Mortone. a gay man can accept himself, and have his own Back (left to right): BJ Smith, Jeremy Martin conception of a higher power to carry him through this darkest time. Most importantly I realized that others love us, no matter our imperfections. Walking away from this retreat I carry with me This years theme of “18” was especially meaning- the hope for more time with such wonderful men, ful to me. Many of the problems that I have faced hope for the future of the world that we live in, and about my own spirituality and sexuality developed hope that each and every one of us present there around this time in my life, so it was especially can change the world around us into a loving, ac- meaningful to hear that many other gay men had cepting environment like we have found on The been through the same experiences. Mountain. None of this would have been possible without the Evergreen Project. So many of the younger gay population are wandering around lost and hiding, just as I was. When and if they are ready, this pro- gram can help them find the love and acceptance that is needed to wake up. I hope that each of you remembers this program, and when that young wanderer walks into your life, lost and full of doubt, I remember Scott quoting a Rumi poem that says that you point them to The Mountain to find what “don’t go back to sleep.” My first response to that we have already found there. was that this weekend is the first time I have felt Thank you to all that were present for being your- awake. Walking through this world filled with such self, for showing such an abundance of love, and judgment, and discrimination I had long ago fallen for letting me know that no matter what, there are asleep to hide from all the negative feelings. This others out there that support and love me. Thank experience, filled with such wonderful loving men, you for WAKING ME UP! woke me up, brought life back into the shell that I was, and filled me with hope. —Jeremy Martin

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you; Don’t go back to sleep. You must ask for what you really want; Don’t go back to sleep. People are going back and forth across the doorsill where the two worlds touch. The door is round and open. Don’t go back to sleep. —Rumi 14

A scrapbook from the 18th GSV Fall Conference September 13-16, 2007

Photographs by Jim Creasy and Lem Arnold 15

Well.... It’s kind of like Hogwarts

Men! Men! Men! Where ARE We Gots the men? TALENT Oh. Here are some ‘n’ STYLE! (kind of). The Talent Show

Remember! “Bad taste costs no more!”

Photographs by Jim Creasy