Februaryserenseren 2001 THE OFFICIAL ENGLISH-LANGUAGE NEWSPAPER OF LOVE http://seren.bangor.ac.uk Inside SU leases Barrels

G’day! p4

Yo! p8

Er... p10

BARRELS: It may be up at the far end of the High Street, but it’s now part of your Union.

o not adjust your set. The Stu- uary the deal was closed, and the will be operated by Union staff wider market to fund its services. Ddents’ Union has taken con- old pub now joins Time, the Main and all profits will be returned to Like Time, Barrels attracts busi- Um. p13 trol of former nightclub Barrels. It Bar, Jock’s Bar and the George Bar the Union. ness from the whole community, has obtained a twelve-month lease in offering a host of Union enter- Located at the far end of the so students benefit both not only from the current owners, with a tainments and events. High Street from the Union Build- from the entertainments on offer view to possible future purchase, Like these other venues, some ing, and traditionally seen as a but also from the revenue they in a deal that aims to expand the nights at Barrels will be themed; ‘townie’ venue, Barrels might not bring into the Union.” range of entertainments available Wednesdays, for example, are ded- appear to be a major asset to the Though Barrels will be run on to Bangor’s student population. icated to eighties music, while Union. But, explained CCSO Will similar principles to Time, the The Union learnt in November that the first Thursday of every month Kelly, the new venue not only pro- lease is the Union’s first wholly the club would shortly be available is a Clwb Cymru night. Also in vides more choice for students, it public venture. There are high for lease and quietly entered into common with the other venues, also brings money in to the Union. hopes that, in the absence of gov- Mmm... p16 negotiations and investigations to Barrels has a late license until 1am “The government is forcing ernmental support, public money establish the viabil- every Friday and Saturday. Admis- ever-increasing financial demands will enable the Union to maintain ity of taking it sion is free and open to all mem- onto students,” he confirmed, “and and improve upon its present level over. In Jan- bers of the community, but Barrels so the Union must turn to the of services.

SUPER-SPECIAL VALENTINE’S DAY ISSUE! Ooh! p16 ¤ 2 SEREN February 2001 WHAT’S GOING ON [email protected] Free phone sir? SCA Week igBlueSpot has struck not-to-be-sniffed-at seven All this, at least, is prom- Ba deal with BT to offer pence per minute to other ised by their press release, SCA Organiser Harriet Steele asks: how free mobiles to students. mobiles unlucky enough but as Seren went to press The offer includes a WAP- to be connected to BT www.bigbluespot.com often do you do it? enabled phone with free Deathnet. You can even didn’t seem to mention connection and delivery, sign up if you already have phones at all, only ome people in Bangor do it entirely by students, and coor- and monthly billing on a a phone—they’re happy (bizarrely) free PCs. Maybe Sup to four nights a week! Of dinated by an elected Sabbatical contract tariff that offers, just to send you a SIM if you’ll have more luck if course we are talking about vol- Officer. The volunteers help out on among other things, a you like. you try again in a bit. untary work. Volunteers are often a wide variety of projects within the stereotyped as fluffy do-gooders local community with people who that help old ladies across the road, are disadvantaged; either socially, and do the jobs that no one else economically, or physically. will do—but in fact voluntary work This year is the United Nations’ Picture perfect is the nation’s second favourite International Year of Volunteers, pastime, with over 16,000 students and as part of that Student Com- re you enchanted by the nat- amounts to over £15,000 and the volunteering across the UK. munity Action groups across the Aural world? If you reckon you winning prints will be published Volunteering is defined as ‘the UK will be promoting and cele- can take a beautiful and evocative in a portfolio accompanying the commitment of time and energy brating volunteering in Community wildlife photo, why not enter the November 2001 issue of BBC Wild- freely given for the benefit of Action Week (19th-25th February). BG Wildlife Photographer of the life Magazine. others, undertaken by choice and At Bangor we are holding taster Year competition? For more information and without concern for personal finan- sessions of all our projects and There are various categories, entry forms visit the website at cial gain.’ Bangor Student Commu- referral projects during the week, including ‘The Underwater World’, www.nhm.ac.uk before 5th April nity Action is a voluntary group as well as promoting our work in ‘Animal Portraits’ and ‘The World 2001. Doing it after that date is no based in the Students’ Union, run Amser/Time. in Our Hands’. The prize money good. SCA Week Planned Timetable Monday 19th February Come and find out more! Tea and 6pm-8.30pm Splodge biscuits provided. Local opportunities Arts and crafts with 5-8 year old 7pm-10pm Bryn Y Neuadd children. Meet SCA Office. Taking adults with learning difficul- 8pm-1am Time Cloakroom ties to the pub. Meet SCA Office. Get into Time free (and get a free 8pm-1am Time Cloakroom drink!) while raising money for Get into Time free (and get a free for local people SCA. drink!) while raising money for 8pm-1am SCA Night in Time SCA. Balloon drop, raffle, giveaways TCV Cymru is looking for Volun- BTCV also offers more general opportunities for etc. Thursday 22nd February Bteer Officers. This is an excel- volunteers to get involved, and is looking for people Follow the Dragon! lent way to develop skills and can with an interest in the countryside or people who Tuesday 20th February Details to be revealed... provide a sound foundation for a would like some hands-on experience of ecological Arfon/Mind (Talk) career in conservation. To become or environmental work. No experience is necessary, 5.45pm-6.45pm Homework Club Friday 23rd February a Volunteer Officers you must be with different schemes running on different days of Give school children help and 3pm-4pm Riding for the Disabled over 21 and have held a clean driv- the week. All you need is a packed lunch, water- support with their homework. Meet SCA Office at 2pm. ing license for at least 2 years. proofs and sturdy boots. They will provide the tools, Meet SCA Office at 5pm. 8pm-1am Time Cloakroom Volunteer Officers can take on a variety of roles free tea, coffee and biscuits! 6pm-8.30pm Splodge Get into Time free (and get a free in addition to practical conservation: these include If you’re interested, contact Agliki Politis on Arts and crafts with 5-8 year old drink!) while raising money for community liaison, woodland site management, (01248) 354050 or write to BTCV Cymru, Bangor children. Meet SCA Office. SCA. publicity—and more! City Council, Fford Gwynedd, Bangor LL57 2DP. Wednesday 21st February Saturday 24th February 1pm-4pm Out and About 8pm-1am Time Cloakroom Taking local older people out for Get into Time free (and get a free the afternoon. Meet SCA Office. drink!) while raising money for 5.30pm SCA Meeting SCA. Designer discounts

t is a truth universally But don’t despair! Help tograph (such as the one I acknowledged is at hand from Haburi—a on the left), but should Why be an SCA volunteer? that the gov- ‘Virtual Factory Outlet’ you still somehow manage ernment has whose website promises to inadvertently order a • Because you want to! overlooked just the fillip to repair duffer, you can return it • Because your mates want to, and they drag you along! the necessity of your wardrobe and street within 14 days for a full • Because you want to do something nice for other people! looking good at cred at a stroke. Their refund. • Because you want something to put on your CV! University. The site offers a wide range So, looks like the cata- • Because you want a go on a bouncy castle! meagre loans of gear from to-die-for logue shopping has made • Because you have done it before! they provide us names including Calvin it to the web. Visit • Because you want to make a difference! with barely allow Klein, DKNY, Dolce & Gab- www.haburi.com to order us to raid the local bana, Hanes, Kangol and your cut-price designer Whatever turns you on, I’m sure that Bangor SCA has something that charity shop, let YSL at up to 70% off clobber and your only you would enjoy doing at least once a week! alone splash out the recommended retail problem will be finding “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change on that new pair price. Everything is illus- somewhere in Bangor the world. Indeed it is the only thing that ever has.”—Margaret Mead of Levi’s. trated with a lush pho- worth wearing it! For more information, contact SCA Organiser Harriet Steele RECOMMENDED: Should you happen to be a 32D, Seren rather on the second floor of the Students’ Union, via email at [email protected] or on (01248) 388005 likes this Charnos body—reduced from £40 to £20 at Haburi! [email protected] WHAT’S GOING ON SEREN February 2001 3 Stupid survey reveals Elections blindingly obvious ORI have published the find- domestic activities like cooking ‘watching TV.’ Mings of a ‘comprehensive’ stu- and ironing before they came to The survey was carried out approach dent survey. The shocking news is University (ie, when they lived on behalf of the UNITE group, that the worst aspect of student with their parents); and, most a private company that special- life is being broke and in massive surprisingly, that students spend ises in providing student serv- This year’s Students’ Union Elections debt. Remarkable. most of their leisure time engaged ices. Seren wonders whether the Among the other startling dis- in ‘student activities’, which money might have been better are on Thursday 22nd March. CCSO Will coveries were that two-fifths of includes such student-specific pur- invested in student services than Kelly explains why you should care. students were inexperienced at suits as ‘going to the pub’ and wasted on this worthless survey.

es, elections are once again carries its own individual respon- Yupon us. Nearly a year has sibilities—for example, the AU Welcome Week guides wanted passed since the last poll. Many President is responsible for mat- things in the Union have changed, ters concerning AU clubs and soci- o you remember when you first arrived in friendly advice. some more noticeable than others eties. As any Sabbatical, or indeed DBangor? Did you know where your room The Union now needs students to enlist as (such as the reception area); but ex-Sabbatical Officer will tell you, was? Did you know where the nearest pub was? Welcome Week guides for next year’s freshers. yet again it’s time to look for- working as a Sabbatical Officer is The chances are that you didn’t, and neither If you are a friendly, outgoing and helpful sort ward to next year: a new Sabbat- a unique and rewarding opportu- did any of the other new students arriving on the of person, why not find out more about helping ical team, and a new Executive nity to gain experience of full time same day. You will also probably remember, if new students settle into University life? Committee. work, as well as to initiate new you think hard enough, there were a small hand- If you are interested and think you can Having said this, to judge by ideas and play a part in improv- ful of very helpful 2nd and 3rd year students help, contact the Students’ Union or email last year’s abysmal 10% voter turn- ing the University experience for who may have given you some directions, or just [email protected]. out, 90% of students in Bangor all students: Sabbatical Officers sit don’t even seem to know what a on the SU executive committee, Sabbatical Officer is. If they did, which exists to promote students’ I think they would be much more best interests. In order to provide likely to take an interest in the fair representation, the Sabbatical elections—and maybe even turn officers work together with non- up to vote on that all-important Sabbatical Officers. These are stu- day in March! dents who volunteer their time to work in the Students’ Union, So what is a Sabbatical dealing with a wide range of Officer? issues from lesbian and gay rights A Sabbatical Officer is a student through to national campaigns. In who has been elected to work full- all there are twenty posts avail- : time for the Students’ Union. The able, six Sabbatical and fourteen University allows students to put Non-Sabbatical. their degrees ‘on hold’ whilst serv- ing as Sabbatical Officers (hence So how do I get involved? still on the horizon? the name), so candidates can It’s not really all that hard. You stand for election at any point don’t need any special qualifica- s many second- and third-year only plummet. Worse, just when broadcasting. in their University careers. The tions; you don’t need any money; Astudents will be aware, the Storm’s legions of volunteers Over the past two weeks, the six Sabbatical posts are: Pres- you don’t even need to know who idea of a Bangor student radio most needed reassuring and con- Students’ Union has managed to ident, UMCB (Union of Welsh the Prime Minister is (though it station was born last year and vincing that their time had not secure funding from the Ffridd’ Students) President, CCSO (Com- might help). All you need is some almost immediately adopted by been wasted, the Executive Com- site JCR committee to purchase munications, Clubs and Societies spare time to get up and find out the Union. Named Storm FM, it mittee found itself beset by a the remaining equipment. Soured Officer), AU President, SCA (Stu- what is available. Are you annoyed initially met with great enthusi- series of trials and controversies relations have been repaired and dent Community Action) Organ- at the government for imposing asm, as up to 200 people attended (including the re-opening of nom- we believe that it is now time to iser and, last but not least, the tuition fees on every student? Are the weekly meetings. Even the inations for last year’s SU elec- start once more to recruit volun- Student Advice and Representa- you annoyed that student grants University jumped on the band- tions), leaving it without the time teers for all those important tasks tion Officer. These six people are are no longer available? Well, now wagon, giving the station a grant to fully devote itself to rallying involved in launching a radio sta- elected in a cross-campus ballot is the time to get involved and get to buy equipment and licences. support for the station. Meetings tion. We have a licence to broad- (more commonly known as an elected to do something about it, Finally, last Easter, after much continued, but dwindling attend- cast. We have a fully up-to-date election) by students. Anyone who We are all at University to learn, work and preparation, the sta- ances bore witness to the grow- studio dedicated to the radio sta- is a registered student in Bangor so why not broaden your hori- tion was but a footstep from ing consensus that the impetus tion. We have expert technical is allowed to stand for any post. zons? being launched, with just a few had been lost and Storm FM had staff to train students. We have a Let’s put it this way: YOU need essential items to be purchased. died a quiet death. transmitter on the Ffridd’ site. All What do Sabbatical student candidates to stand in A launch date was finally set... Yet there were a handful of ded- of this is just waiting to be used. Officers do? YOUR elections to run YOUR Stu- but at the last minute funding icated students and staff who still All we need now are students to Each Officer is employed on a thir- dents Union. Its up to YOU. fell unexpectedly short. The sta- believed in the station. These peo- make the radio work. teen-month contract to carry out tion could not be launched on ple—especially the studio tech- For all those involved last the duties set out in the constitu- Nominations for Sabbatical the planned date. nical manager—kept the project year—and of course those of you tion. A Sabbatical position carries and Non-Sabbatical candi- A second launch date was set, ticking over during the summer, interested in finding out more— two responsibilities. The first is dates are open 19th-23rd but the damage was done. Storm and the studio has now been now is your chance to make a dif- to represent the interests of stu- February. Nomination forms FM had been burgeoning ahead at totally rewired for broadcast, with ference. Let’s make it work this dents within both the University and opportunities profiles are such a pace that, when the baton space left for the still-required time. (by sitting on University commit- available in the General Office was dropped just inches from the equipment. The booking format For more information look out tees) and the local and national on the second floor of the Stu- finishing-tape, the project’s pre- of the studio has also been for forthcoming posters, or community. Secondly, each post dents’ Union. viously sky-high credibility could rearranged to accommodate live email [email protected]. 4 SEREN February 2001 THINGS TO SEE AND DO [email protected] RAG Week arrives again As another RAG Week, beckons, James Brownsell warns us what to expect...

t’s a phenomenon. Last year it reception. The following day, the Iwas great, mad and wild (yes, at Main Arts Building gets to do its the same time). This year, expect bit for charity as mad fund-raisers the same, but worse. set out to raise cash by abseiling In addition to the usual RAG down it. The night Monday 19th raids (so far £3,500 has been raised sees extra excitement in the form from seven events around the coun- of a £1,000 giveaway in Time and try), a special line up has been a tribute act. Tuesday sees a bona arranged for this year’s RAG Week. fide attempt to get into the Guin- Valentine’s Day sees the annual ‘Sin- ness Book of Records with the aid gled Out’ contest, this year in Ban- of up to 1,000 volunteers and a gor’s classiest club, the Octagon. very, very large amount of beer. Then the gallivanting around the Wednesday night sees live music country resumes: Lampeter gets a in Time from the ever-impressive, ‘Mega-Raid’ to raise some cash for Radio 1-famed Lear and student Ty-Hafan, a Welsh Children’s Hos- band, ‘Charlie Brown,’ having hope- pice on February 17th; and then, fully recovered from their per- a week later, it’s off to Leeds to formance at the Rathbone/Reichel raise some wonga for The Brain Christmas Ball. Not content with and Spine Foundation. just one venue, RAG has also LAST YEAR: RAG 2000’s highly successful ‘Singled Out’ night. Expect more of the same. RAG week this year falls in the secured the Octagon again for ‘the same week as Union Elections, Talentless Show,’ a talent show with as many people as can fit in doing brings RAG’s sponsored firewalk, Finally, Saturday ends the week expect even more madness than an obvious difference. Confirmed five minutes of absolutely anything, which should prove an interesting with a trip to Liverpool to col- usual. The week kicks off on Satur- appearances include some bloke as long as it demands no talent challenge. Come and have a go if lecting for the Healing Hands net- day March 17th with the now-tra- singing for five-minutes whilst whatsoever! you thing you’re hard enough, kind work. ditional bungee jump-anyone mad removing appropriate elements of Thursday is SU Election day, of thing: sponsor forms are avail- For more details, email enough to sign up can collect clothing, but don’t let this scare so go and vote! And after the able, again, from the Reception of [email protected] or phone a sponsorship form from the SU you-it’s an open-mike evening, with excitement of election night, Friday the Union. 07968 484866. Rolf confirmed for Ball Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci rumoured for coveted support slot

nts has confirmed that Rolf EHarris will be headlining this year’s Summer Ball on June 1st. Seren understands that Gorky’s Zyogtic Mynci have been approached to sup- port Rolf, but as we went to press no confirmation had been received. While perhaps a more eso- teric choice than last year’s Lightning Seeds, Rolf ’s appear- ance crowns an active year for Ents. Already this year has seen the controversial Mark and Lard concert and the high-profile Mansun gig, reviewed elsewhere in this issue, and other forth- coming events in Time include Midfield General (17th Febru- ary), My Vitriol (21st February), Meat Loaf Tribute (26th Feb- ruary), Cream on Tour (20th March) and Atomic Kitten (24th March). In addition, it has been con- firmed that the guest speaker at this year’s AU Dinner on 6th April will be irrepressible 80s TV japester Timmy Mallett. COMING SOON: (clockwise from above) Rolf Harris, My Vitriol, Atomic Kitten, Meat Loaf and... ah. [email protected] ANALYSIS SEREN February 2001 5 Global Justice Conference Karl Sadil reports from the recent conference-with-a-conscience in Bangor

he Global Justice Conference ran from counterpoint speaker was Shan Ashton, who Third World. T9th to 10th February in Bangor and promoted Welsh lamb as a product from On Saturday the 11th of February, was organised by a coalition of campaign Welsh farms that will help improve the status at lunchtime, 20 to 50 protesters (the groups called Common Ground. It was held of farmers. She mentioned that Safeway and highlight event of the conference) in the Main Arts Lecture Theatre, New made it through rain and wind to Arts Reception, Hen Goleg, and Y Ffynnon the clock in Bangor High Street for at the Anglican Chaplaincy. The New Arts Bangor’s effort in Amnesty Interna- reception area hosted stalls by groups Torture is practised in tional’s third UK campaign against such as North Wales Organic Growers 162 countries—out of 189 torture, called ‘Stamp Out Torture.’ and Permaculture Group, Bangor SU Cam- Petitions and giant postcards were paigns, Christian Aid, the Bangor Green surveyed by Amnesty signed, and sent to Tony Blair and Group, Earth First, People and Planet, Rhodri Morgan. Wales Trade Unionists, WWFN, United International. Torture is practised in over 162 Nations Association, Amnesty Interna- countries of the world today, out tional, Dimensions Healthfoods, Traidcraft, Tesco charge thousands of pounds to each of 189 surveyed by Amnesty Inter- Undercurrents Foundation Wales, CAFOD, of their suppliers (eg £20,000 per product national (AI) in 1999. However, the SPEAK (Christian group), Cymdeithas yr Iaith line the store stocks) and also charge them general public think that under 50 Gymraeg, Oxfam, Woodcraft Folk. The Main for the stores’ charitable donations publi- countries in the world still use tor- Arts Lecture Theatre was packed for all cised in the media. ture. The UK has not fully ratified sessions on the Saturday. Catering was by Colin Hines spoke about ‘localization’ as the Convention Against Torture. Two Dimensions, Traidcraft, the Main Arts Bar, an alternative to globalisation. His book, thirds of the world’s countries reg- Hen Goleg Bar, and Y Ffynnon. ‘Localization: A Global Manifesto’ is pub- ularly employ torture against their The conference opened on Friday at Y lished by Earthscan (www.earthscan.co.uk) own citizens. At least 6,000 UK Ffynnon with a film (This Is What Democracy and costs £10.99. Angharad Tomos said that asylum seekers per year are victims Looks Like) of the Seattle riots against the Wales has a long tradition of political radi- of torture. World Trade Organization in 1999/2000. It calism. Another speaker was Caroline Lucas A root cause of torture is discrim- featured footage of demonstrators being MEP. ination based on identity. People gassed, sprayed, dragged and beaten. Satur- The most interesting speaker was pos- commonly targeted are women, day’s evening films were by Undercurrents sibly Professor John Lovering, whose talk blacks, gays and trans people, also (one on the impact of sand dredging and ‘An ethical economy for Wales’ criticised the political dissidents and religious one on the health risks of mobile phone status quo and promoted alternative eco- minorities. In Afghanistan for exam- masts, both in Swansea and Gower), and nomic strategies. ple, the Taliban arrest and torture by Zoe Young (who was present to speak). There were a number of workshops women who fail to conform to the Zoe Young, who made her film Suits and Sav- throughout the Saturday, held across Col- sharia law. Amnesty International ages: Why the World Bank won’t Save the World lege Road in Hen Goleg. The morning had wants the UK to ratify the Con- with Dylan Howitt, went to an indigenous 6 workshops: Anti-Torture (Amnesty Interna- vention Against Torture in full, and (adivasi) village in southern India and inter- tional), Disarmament (UN Association), Sus- to stop selling torture equipment. viewed the villagers about the Global Envi- tainable Farming (WWFN), Nonviolent Direct The UK, say AI, must also get other ronment Facility project for a reserve which Action (Cymdeithas yr Iaith Gymraeg), Pov- countries to ratify the Convention. means they are evicted from their homes erty (Anti-Poverty Alliance Cymru), Trade The UK still allows brokering and banned from the forest. They have (Christian Aid). agents to arrange sales of torture no access to healthcare, and cannot go The afternoon workshops were on Chris- equipment. One example was into the forest for food and medicinal tianity (by SPEAK), Video Activism (Undercur- Paines-Wessex, part of Alvis Arms, herbs. The film of the response of the rents), Brewery Fields action (Earth First) and who in 1994 sold the Kenyan army teargas AI wants an International Criminal Court GEF and World Bank in Washington and Localisation (CAFOD), Fair Trade (People and that was then used on student protesters (ICC). This needs 60 countries as signato- Delhi is 38 minutes long and available from Planet), Anti-Single Currency (Wales Trade in Nairobi who were gassed at close range ries in order to be established. About 30 [email protected], costing £7 Unionists Against The Single Currency). in a church they were sheltering in. They countries so far have signed up to this pro- to students. On Monday the 12th, there was an unre- were then dragged out and many were tor- posal so far. AI wants the UK to promote The speakers at the conference included lated action on fair trade and the World tured or killed. The UK has also sold elec- the ICC and to increase public knowledge George Monbiot, environmentalist and phi- Bank. At the Main Arts reception there was troshock batons to Turkey. The police in of the treatment of refugees and of iden- losopher who has had at least one of his a fair trade stall organised by Traidcraft, Scotland are considering importing Taser tity-based torture. AI is trying to get thou- books banned outside the UK (in Switzer- and in the evening in Lecture Room 1 there dart guns from America, which can maim sands of postcards calling for a ban on land). It was on sale at the conference and was a Teach-In about why the World Bank or kill people they are used on. Torturers torture to be sent to the Prime Minister by quickly sold out. Monbiot talked about sus- and World Trade Organisation are unfair to and war criminals are rarely brought to the end of 2001. More information on is tainable living in an overcrowded world. His the environment and to the people of the justice. available at www.amnesty.org.uk. Feeding Haiti from a basket research project at Bangor’s weevils and plant diseases. Terefe Lemma came from east Africa origi- A School of Agricultural and Forest suggests that using woven baskets nally, and saw woven baskets being Sciences (SAFS) has identified ways to store grain will cause fewer losses used when he was a child. The cli- of improving farming in Haiti over the winter. Changing the plant- mate in Haiti and that in West Africa through low-technology, affordable ing time to a few weeks earlier is different, so many traditional Afri- and low-impact solutions. PhD stu- increased farmers’ yields. Professor can ways of farming are unsuitable dent Terefe Lemma, studying Agri- Gareth Edwards-Jones supervised to Haiti. The poverty of Haitian culture at SAFS, found that the Mr Lemma’s project, which was farmers has led to the breakup of storage of maize grain in sacks funded (for the field research com- families and the dispersal of farm- causes freezing, losses from rats and ponent) by CARE International. Mr ing people to industrial areas. 6 SEREN February 2001 AROUND THE SU [email protected] Master yoga Morgan Melhuish introduces Dru Yoga ru Yoga—it might sound like something as you so nobody feels awkward. The lead- Da long-haired hippy, lycra-clad athlete, ers are very supportive, friendly and ready or a broccoli-munching, health conscious to answer any questions or help with any- freak would do. But believe me, it’s not! thing that’s going on in your life. It’s good Sure, those types of people do go, but they for you and fun. are a minority. Most of the people that have joined the classes are just like you and me, So, how can I get involved? ready for a laugh, ready to feel good, with a There are sessions in the evening through- minimal amount of ‘ommm’-ing. out the week. Pop into Dimensions Whole- food store on Holyhead road, Upper Bangor, What does Dru Yoga involve? to get more details or just turn up to a It’s basically a complete work-out—phys- session. The Student Class is held at Hugh ically, emotionally and mentally. If you’re Owen Hall, on College Road Tuesday eve- thinking about contorted limbs in positions nings from 7.30—9.00pm. Or phone Moon called ‘the Lobotomy’ then relax. With Dru or Susan on 01248 602900/351562 (Dimen- Yoga you always work within your own sions). All you need is two pounds fifty, body’s limits. In my case that’s not very a rug or blanket, some loose, comfortable far, but I am certainly getting better!! After clothing and an open mind. So, leave the going to practically all of the sessions last leotard at home and get all Dru Yoga’d up! term, I am definitely feeling the ben- efit. It might sound corny, but I really am more confident, self-assured and happy with myself. I get stressed less and have managed to levitate six inches from the ground. (Only joking about that last one!) At first I did feel a bit self-con- scious, but everyone feels this at the same time. That’s the good thing: it doesn’t matter how you look, because other people are doing the same thing Americans du Dru tu. It’s tru! Du yu? Etc. [email protected] BOOKS SEREN February 2001 7 Reading matters with Seren’s regular round-up of books and other book-like items 154 High Street, Bangor Tel. (01248) 372057 Dangerous Parking by Stuart Browne

oah Arkwright is a successful The blurb on the back of this or is just a really bad writer. He is, in essence, a deeply boring Nfilmmaker, a husband and novel promises “the best book The central protagonist is an man, and his deliberately wild father of two. He is also a recov- about alcoholism, sex, drugs, rock intensely unlikeable character. His behaviour and ‘cool’ exterior just ering alcoholic with cancer. The ‘n’ roll, love and death... ever.” tale is an indulgent meander makes him ridiculous. His life with book starts with Arkwright trying The book does contain tales of down addiction alley, introducing cancer does make the book more to make sense of his life during alcoholism, sex, drugs, rock ‘n’ us to people almost as uninter- readable, as he then drops the act a journey in Greece, then cuts roll, love and death, but they have esting as himself. When he meets and lets the story unfold easily back and forth through his drink all been told before by countless his future wife, Clare, you almost and naturally. But the style and and drugs lifestyle to his domes- authors, and were probably better feel sorry for her, until she turns tone of the book makes the rest ticated present existence. The written. The worst thing is that out to be equally as pretentious, of Noah’s story seem so grinding action hops between London, it’s not even clear if the author arrogant and annoying as he is. and foolish it doesn’t seem worth America and Africa as Noah’s life is trying to write a parody about Arkwright doesn’t tell us any- the effort to read it. story unfolds. boring, pretentious ex-druggies, thing new about substance abuse. Midnight All Day by Hanif Kureshi

idnight All Day is a to accompany her. Others of their love”, “… the was attributed to the char- live up to Kureishi’s usual Mcollection of short involve interracial rela- relationship lacked veloc- acters, but as every story standard, and it’s apparent stories by the renowned tionships and social differ- ity and a future.” Kureishi has the same tone this these stories were pub- novelist and playwright ences. says nothing new—rela- simply implies poor writ- lished because of reputa- Hanif Kureishi, containing The premise of a really tionships are complicated, ing. There are attempts at tion of their author, not accounts of loneliness, good, startling collection people are lonely, success humour (where an unsus- because of their merit. frustration and doesn’t live up to its is empty—and doesn’t pecting husband and his Kureishi’s writing is usu- intoxication. The opening potential. The stories even bother to package it wife’s lover have a drink ally accessible, readable story concerns a married seem to have been writ- in something original (a together at a hotel bar) but and funny, and for a better woman whose plans for a ten by a much more inex- walk in a park, a visit home the overwhelming feeling introduction to his work, romantic rendezvous with perienced writer. Some to an alcoholic mother). is scepticism of life, love The Buddha of Suburbia is a her lover are thwarted of the language is hope- The stilted, jarring lan- and other people. great first novel and very when her husband decides lessly trite—“… the table guage would work if it Midnight All Day doesn’t much recommended. What the Body Remembers by Shauna Singh Baldwin

et during India’s struggle for India’s different religions (Sikh, The content veers from Roop’s angry and powerful. Sindependence from Britain in Hindu and Muslim) and of women. mother’s death to her brother’s What the Body Remembers is a the 1930s and 40s, Shauna Singh Roop’s marriage, family and home successful marriage, betrayal to story of women and history on the Baldwin tells the story of Roop, serve as a means for showing trust, innocence to maturity. The same level as Jung Chang’s Wild the youngest daughter from a the impression of wider political main character is genuinely like- Swans. An important and impres- Sikh family in a small village. In a implications upon the individual. able because she has obvious sive work of literature from a fiercely patriarchal society Roop The juxtaposition of personal vices and flaws, and because she different culture, the book is sat- struggles to tame her natural (Roop’s life), political (discussion of makes mistakes and doesn’t do as isfying and accessible even to a exuberance and conform to reli- British and Indian leaders’ actions) she’s told. The image of the timid reader with no prior knowledge gious and familial expectations. and historical (accounts of real woman behind the veil is manip- of India’s background. It is a story The theme of oppression runs events) gives the book depth, rich- ulated to show that the women about growth and change, with rel- throughout the book—towards ness and, through Singh Baldwin’s men see ‘out of the corners of evance to and resonance through Indians by the British, between style, an intensely absorbing story. their eyes’ are just as ruthless, all cultures. Veronika Decides to Die by Paul Coelho

Where is Slovenia? A stupid for this; she will soon grow empathy with Veronika, content is refreshing in its unrelenting ending could question, the protagonist old (it’s downhill all the attempting to use her as sincerity and optimism. It have given more strength in Paulo Coelho’s new book way), and she has no way a symbol of human con- is also an engaging con- to Veronika’s story, and thinks, because “no one of changing the world she sciousness. In a mildly sideration of the psychiat- affected the reader’s equi- ever knows where Slov- lives in. Unfortunately, the cliché, self-therapeutic way, ric profession, with other librium a little more. enia is”. She’s probably attempt fails and Veronika Coelho believes humans patients’ stories intermin- Coelho, although flawed right (George W. Bush ends up in a notorious psy- can achieve similar suc- gling with Veronika’s to in his plot structure, has a doesn’t know the differ- chiatric hospital with only cessful self-realisation as produce lucidity within mastery of language that ence between Slovenia and a few days to live. Veronika does, to believe seeming madness. makes his characters intel- Slovakia), and in this seem- Veronika’s life in these that “ … every moment The crux of the novel ligent and likeable. A suc- ingly anonymous country, last days is an accelerated in our lives is special and is an ingenious plot twist, cessful writer, Coelho has Veronika decides to die. leap into her unconscious; precious”. This view may which is unfortunately not written many other novels In a rational and logical a questioning of her atti- seem idealistic to our cyn- ingenious enough. This with a similar upbeat manner she sets out her tudes and beliefs. Coelho ical, British way of think- doesn’t ruin the story, basis, which are also worth two simple justifications stretches the reader’s ing, but the clear, genuine but a sharper or more reading. 8 SEREN February 2001 MUSIC [email protected] Papa crazy Infest by Papa Roach Family values ormed in 1993, Papa The Dynasty: Roc La Familia by Jay-Z FRoach have released four LPs which have made he Jigga man’s back, and this little impact on the music Ttime he wants you to meet industry. Their previous his family. Beanie Sigel, Memphis album, Old Friends from Bleek and Amil are brought to the Young Years was played on forefront of the rap industry in American radio stations, this official introduction, although but Infest is their first major you’ve probably already spotted label release. Their first LOVABLE HOOLIGANS? Or hateful them on Jay-Z’s previous albums. single from it was released try-hard wasters? You decide. All three are talented rappers and last week and has had will no doubt make large amounts considerable airplay on of money. Radio One. The single ‘Last Resort’ Against The Machine’s Zack de la The album itself contains eve- is typical of the mood of the Rocha, Coby’s rapping capabilities rything you would expect from whole album—that is, suicidal and are mediocre at best. However his Jay-Z—and nothing that you depressive. The songs cover a vocals on other tracks are pleas- wouldn’t. Once again, Shawn range of issues including alcohol- ingly gruff. Carter mingles the high and low ism, domestic violence and the The hidden bonus track is a points of gangsta life with a pinch CAN I GET A...? Third hit record? No. oppression of capitalism. seemingly out of place reggae song of misogynism and the predicta- The album takes rock-rap back which actually works very well. ble ‘child vocal’ track. Whilst ‘Hard The only real high point is Vol 2: Hard Knock Life, which fea- to its New York roots. The heavy Perhaps this is a hint of what’s Knock Life’ was fresh and original, forthcoming single ‘I Just Wanna tured tunes like ‘Can I Get A …,’ guitars are satisfying and the album to come from Papa Roach. Alto- this third attempt (‘Soon You’ll Love U (Give It 2 Me)’ which, if which sits head and shoulders has a raw energy about it. The high gether the album is satisfying, if Understand’) is rather pathetic. you can overlook the dodgy vocals above the majority of gangsta rap points are ‘Last Resort’ (if you’re not completely original. If you like Maybe it’s about time he gave that sound like Little Richard tracks. The fact that Jay-Z released not already bored of it), ‘Between the single, you’ll like the album, that up. on helium, has a funky bassline that previous album less than a Angels and Insects’ and ‘Revenge,’ but don’t expect to be inspired. Whilst Jay-Z’s rapping skills are and a nice flow. ‘Change That year ago suggests that this album in which Coby Dick attempts to HHHII still among the best, the tunes Game’ and ‘Parking Lot Pimpin’’ are has been made in a hurry, and, as rap. Compared to the likes of Rage Angie Cranfield all sound scarily familiar. If you also worth a listen. However, guest a result, quantity takes the place enjoy a good game of ‘guess the appearances by R. Kelly and Snoop of quality. sample’ then this album will pro- are very disappointing and do Whilst the new single is bound vide you with hours of entertain- little to increase the quality of this to do well, this album lacks sub- ment. If not, and you already own album. stance and is truly a disappoint- his other albums, leave this one This album is nothing com- ing show. HHIII Ridiculas on the shelf. pared to the amazing success of Angie Cranfield Back for the First Time by Ludacris

his is the début album from TAtlanta-based Chris Bridges, aka Sweet corn Ludacris. And what a début it is. With smooth vocals over raw beats, Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus this guy really has what it takes to make it big. Having already worked bunch of twenty-somethings producing a song About You’ is a jingly tune that is definitely pop- with huge names like Timbaland A about teenage angst and a geek who gets based. The lyrics are softer, but it’s still worth a and Jermaine Dupri, his potential the girl. It shouldn’t work, but strangely it does. listen. The other track, ‘Hey Mr Brown’ is heavier is already being recognised. He is Appealing to the inner nerd in everyone, this amaz- and will probably succeed ‘Teenage Dirtbag’ as your signed to Def Jam South recording, ingly catchy tune is one you’ll be humming for favourite track after the novelty wears off. home to many of the top names weeks. Kicking off with a mellow riff, you’d be for- And, if the songs alone aren’t enough to keep in hip-hop, and is set to take on He doesn’t look like a Chris. given for dismissing it as another pop band crea- you happy, beg, steal or borrow a computer so the world with his own production tion. But when the chorus kicks in the rough side of you can enjoy the CD-ROM video for ‘Teenage Dirt- company. even by hardcore gangsta fans. the New York boys really comes through. A beauti- bag.’ Brendan will keep any hot-blooded female To get here, Chris worked his All the tracks are fast, fun and fully harmonious mix of heavy guitars and bouncy rapt for hours, and there’s even a guest appearance way up through the industry, flirty. ‘U Got a Problem’ is hard-hit- beats, this tune crosses borders. by Mena Suvari for the guys. Whether Wheatus are attending open mic venues and ting and classy, and the a capella Rich Leigh who plays bass for the band says a one hit wonder or go on to greater things, this eventually landing a job on a hip- ‘Mouthing Off ’ highlights just how “Wheatus is about crafting pop-rock songs with single is a brilliant début. HHHHH hop radio station. From then on talented this man is. The best track punk/street credibility.” With Brendan Brown’s dis- Angie Cranfield there was no stopping him as he is, without a doubt, ‘What’s Your tinctively whiney voice and the cheery lyrics, it is paraded his skills to record compa- Fantasy’ featuring Shawna, who all too easy to imagine the band are teenage hope- nies and fans alike. has appeared on Montell Jordan’s fuls with little experience. But Brendan has been Back for the First Time is a rap albums. It’s seriously sexy with a writing songs since his teen years and has been album with a few twists. Ludacris rough edge and a hint of humour. involved in other band projects. Wheatus was born manages to spice things up with It’s refreshing to find a rap when he finally became tired of doing what pro- his unique use of the English lan- album that knows how to show ducers told him to and enlisted a few friends and guage and clever turns of phrase, you a good time and doesn’t take his younger brother, Peter, and started producing which both amuse and impress. In itself too seriously. Ludacris has his own album in the basement of his parents’ fact, the track ‘Ho,’ which is derog- real talent and his vocals are dis- house. atory to women, had me in fits of tinctive. Don’t be surprised if soon The self-titled album is released shortly, but laughter because of the tragic puns he’s the name on everyone’s lips. this single is a rarity, containing two other album he uses. A rap about the ‘Ho-zone HHHHI tracks, in a time where naff remixes are all you can Everybody else is doing it, so why can’t they? layer’ cannot be taken seriously, Angie Cranfield expect. The second track ‘I’d Never Write A Song [email protected] MUSIC SEREN February 2001 9 Electric Men (ho ho thud) David MacGowan saw Mansun in Time

t’s been said that reviewing some- This must be a prank, surely... but Ithing that you like is the hardest then no, the realization sunk in, thing a writer can do—but that’s and so the mostly indie (huuurghh, rubbish. I could go on forever about that word) massive (and for better the things I like; the colours they or worse I include myself in that) set off in your head, the tingles and queued outside Time with arms so echoes that ripple through you, pinched in disbelief that medics the sheer physically instinctive joy were on hand to give injections. of realizing that you like this, no, It’s quite possible that Mansun you love this. It’s certainly easier could have played a set of Norwe- than talking about what you don’t gian folk songs with Paul Draper like, where mostly all you can do is on lead kazoo and I’d have still resort to childish similes and watch been utterly euphoric. When the for the hound of Constructive Criti- lights went down and they, Mansun cism sniffing your trail and nearly (Mansun!!), stalked onstage, the on your back. charge was one of stupidly exciting But what IS hard is when you unreality. I screamed much louder experience something you like, than I would have done if I’d paid and you know you like it, but at and travelled to see them in, say, the same time knowing that it isn’t Manchester. Or Leeds even. Banter so much a genuine transmitter/ may have been paltry, but what receiver thing (they send out, you the hell—they played their songs, like v. much), but more a suspen- to us, with loud guitars and bish sion of your usual critical facul- bang drums and huge ‘shheeeeoww’ ties; a sense of liking something lights and plinky faux-strings key- because it was there just when you boards and everything! Opening with needed it. ‘Take It Easy Chicken’ for Damon’s So take Mansun then (phwoar, and sake, a crowd-pleaser or what? No how I’d love to), and their live per- doubt guitarist Chad, having been a formance at Bangor University this student here for a year (doing Lin- October gone. Is there any way I guistics and leaving a virtual alco- could not have liked/loved/gone stark holic, natch) sensed from the off raving mad to this gig after having our thirst, our hunger, our deep spent three years in a kind of cul- throbbing aching need for entertain- tural exile? Ents fare isn’t supposed ment—so a largely singles-based set DOURPUSSES: Mansun adopt the classic Bangor attitude. to be of this stature, of this quality. of songs was the order of the day. Live music from a nationally known, With their current third album pure-pop “ahh-ahh’ahhh’s”) are the cold and fragile and eerily, fright- mined. The fact that they’re drop chart-topping, Top-of-the-Pops-and- they’ve restrained somewhat their result, then there’s no reason to eningly beautiful. Mansun’s public dead gorgeous is of course a bonus. everyfink band? And a mad/bad/zad more erratic impulses and gone for moan. The more simple lyrics this image seems to be one of mad con- No surprises, but Paul is the partic- glamourpoprocknoise band at that? a more conventional pop sound, time round are at least clearer flict, in both style and substance, ular subject of my affections. This sure isn’t Nowaysis! but when gems like ‘I Can Only Dis- and more audible—‘Comes As No but with this current set of songs Ah, Mansun, you came to Bangor When the posters first appeared, appoint You’ and ‘Fool’ (débuted Surprise’ is a straight narrative of they prove themselves to be con- and were great. You’ll always be scepticism was the only reaction. tonight in an orchestral flurry of tragic, doomed-to-loneliness youth, sistent, single-minded and deter- ‘My Boys’ from now on! You might as well be walking on the sun EMB checks out Fever by Starsailor

f you haven’t heard of Starsailor by if you don’t buy it you may not be missing Inow then WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? out on much in the long run. Even the Sun have touted them as the But what do they sound like? Well, I was next big thing. They’re the current dar- pleasantly surprised. The production is a little lings of NME and highly acclaimed by raw, but the music shines through regardless, music journalists everywhere. They’re a little island of musical promise in this sea one of the bands on the current NME of mass-produced pop shite. The title track is tour and, if you are to believe the less strong than the two b-sides, lacking some rumours, they’re coming to play in of the soul and energy of ‘Coming down’ or Bangor sometime soon. Woo hoo! the slow groove of ‘Love is Here’. This is a lot of publicity for a band These are fairly stripped-down tunes and yet to put out an album, for Fever that’s part of the charm: drums, bass, acous- is their first release. This three track tic guitar, vocals and rock organ. Yes, if you EP seems to be merely a teaser, per- hate Hammond then look elsewhere, ‘cos haps a ploy to keep interest high these lads love their organ (snigger). for when they finally bring out their Not being overly familiar with Tim Buck- début album. In fact, it’s worth point- ley, I’m not sure how much they’re ripping ing out what it says on the sleeve— him off, but there’s a lot of potential in their these songs are demos and they might music and, I hope, a lot to come. Keep an eye DOWN BUT NOT OUT: Starsailor take it to the streets. yet re-record them. With that in mind, out for these. HHHHI 10 SEREN February 2001 MOVIES [email protected] A voice of clarity in the cinematic wilderness reetings you cinematic Bangor are as sad and obvious as those movies, but Fight Club whups the Anyway, this year’s Oscars look (he has two nominations, for Erin Ggeniuses, you! Welcome to the aging drool-decorated perverts who asses of American Beauty and The like a close race. There was a lot of Brockovich and Traffic, so he has a bit Movie section. We’ve been gone infest the Octagon. Titanic and For- Sixth Sense. Great films like Magno- mumbling in the film community of an advantage). If the Academy a while, but let’s not talk about rest Gump spring readily to mind. lia, The Truman Show and Three Kings that “mumblemumble this year’s is feeling arty then Crouching Tiger, that. In the movie world, all eyes It’s not just that the Oscars hand are pretty much ignored. Honour- been crap mumblemumble don’t Hidden Dragon may get a handful. are turned towards the Oscars. In over the Best Picture honours to ing American Beauty last year was give an Oscar to anyone mumblem- Sincerely, I just don’t know what little over a month’s time, we’ll have bags of wank, it’s that they com- a step in the right direction, but umble.” It seems it’ll be either to expect these days. So, give it a another overlong, back-patting, hid- pletely ignore masterpieces. David there’s a fucking long way to go. Gladiator or Traffic. Last month’s look if you have Sky, or, like me, eously worthy mainstream tritefest. Fincher’s Se7en went without rec- Just think: neither Hitchcock nor Golden Globes favoured the former, you can grab a wealthy friend for Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate ognition, as was his recent mas- Kubrick ever won a directing Oscar. which tends to be a decent yard- the evening. Steve Martin’s host- the Oscars, I just know they could terpiece Fight Club—in my eyes, There’s something seriously wrong stick. Expect Julia Roberts to win ing this year; at least that’s an be so much more than they are the biggest and most foolhardy there. And the fact that Arnie is an Best Actress, Russell Crowe or Tom improvement on Crystal and Gold- now. If you look down a list of past snub the Oscars have ever made. Academy member speaks an ency- Bloody Hanks for Actor and proba- berg. Gnnnggggnnggghhh. winners, the Academy’s blunders Granted, 1999 was a great year for clopaedia-type number of volumes. bly Steven Soderbergh for Director Chris Chapman Looking for Richard Chris Chapman met Lord Dickie Attenborough—and asked the questions no-one else dared to

umbling under its disjointed part of your movies. guy. And suddenly I wanted to Mbreath at the horrors of five- Well, I am very concerned about direct. I didn’t want to direct per se, hour train journeys, Seren recently the state of gratuitous violence in I wanted to direct that story. And I travelled the length and breadth of movies. I’m totally opposed to any started from then on, and it took the country to, er, Leicester. And in sort of censorship, I don’t mean me twenty years to get the script, that Leicester, there was a cinema, that. And I’m not particularly con- the actor and the money, and from and in that cinema there was a pre- cerned about the pornography of then on I wanted to direct, not miere, and in that premiere there sex, it seems to me that doesn’t act. was a Richard Attenborough. Seren do anyone any harm. But the por- grabbed the silver-bearded, kudos- nography of violence is a different So, why do something like collecting director in a lovely old matter, and I am nervous about Jurassic Park? pub after the national premiere of it—not because I think the imagery Well, I’d given up acting for about his new film, Pierce Brosnan starrer makes people rush out into the fifteen years, and I’d already known Grey Owl. Though getting on a bit street to do it; but I’m concerned Steven. So it was Steven really, now, Dickie is utterly enthusiastic, that we become inured to it. There he came over and took me out utterly humble and (rather worry- is now, I think, a terrible suscepti- to breakfast and asked if I would ingly) utterly touchy-feely. He’s not bility as far as a lot of companies appear in Jurassic Park, that he a lovey-darling, but he has got a are concerned, that if there is a couldn’t cast any of the other parts beard. sufficient extravagance of violence, until he’d cast John Hammond. And it’s good at the box office. And so from that, I was asked to do Miracle Lord Richard, Grey Owl is yet violence is injected, quite irration- on 34th Street. another biopic for you after ally and improperly into a subject Gandhi, Shadowlands, etc. matter. Were you approached for Jurassic What’s the bloody appeal? Park 3? I enjoy fact more than fiction. I Rumour has it, you began your No, no, no, enough’s enough. don’t read a lot of fiction; I read career with your own Leicester biography and history. I believe in Variety shows. You’ve acted with many of cine- heroes and role models, you know. Yes, it was in a church hall called St. ma’s greatest icons. What was I’ve always felt that I wanted to Barnabus’ Hall that was burnt down it like working with The Cooler somehow communicate my excite- in a fire about twenty years ago. King, Steve McQueen? Lord Dickie decides he has had enough of Seren’s questions. ment about discovering them and Dave (Wildlife bro David of course) Tremendous, tremendous. He was what they stood for, what they and I did it together. I wanted to do a marvellous guy. We started off in all the people I’ve worked with, He’s not good at rehearsal, he loves fought for and what they fought it because I’m a ham. Dave didn’t a rather delightful competitive sit- including James Stewart and John doing it all off the cuff. Sometimes against. want to do it at all, but agreed to uation between the Yanks and the Wayne, the person I really miss is he’ll rehearse a scene with the appear in it if the money went to British. And I remember, very early Steve. Terrific, professional, won- wrong dialogue because he doesn’t Grey Owl is still searching for a the RSPCA! (chortles) on, Steve said ‘Come out for a ride!’ derful actor. want to play the right dialogue too US release date. How can you Well, I knew a bit about Steve, many times in case it gets stale. market this rather quiet film? Do you think as yourself more as but not as much as I know now— He’s almost more famous now Well, I can’t. That’s why I can’t sell an actor or as a director now? and he’d got this bloody great than when he lived; dying young It is time for Dickie to leave, but Seren this film in America—I cannot sell I love the movies. I just wanted to machine outside and he said ‘Get made him an icon. corners him for the most important it at all! No-one wants to buy it! be an actor, that’s all I wanted to on the back!’ I have never hung Absolutely, quite right. question of all: Stout or bitter? The guy at Warner Brothers actually do. But I got fed up with being type- onto anyone in my life as I hung Bitter. said, “if you’d put some sex into cast. I’d play spivs like in Brighton onto Steve! ‘Cause I was deter- What about Anthony Hopkins? that cabin, I’d buy that picture.” Or, Rock, or I’d be a quivering psycho- mined. If I’d fallen off then the Are you close? Every time? “if Pierce really got involved in that path on the lower decks of Her Maj- Brits would have taken it in the leg. Yes. He’s mad, he’s dotty, he’s a very I think so. fight with the guys in the store and esty’s navy, and I got fed up with But he became a very close friend private person. He doesn’t really smashed their faces in, I could sell this so I decided to go into produc- of mine. I used to see him half a enjoy all the flim-flam of the busi- “Sorry,” interjects a member of Dick- it.” tion. One day, somebody gave me dozen times a year. But of course, ness. He prepares and works pri- ie’s entourage, “that really is all!” the biography of Mahatma Ghandi, he died of cancer as you know, and vately, he comes into work knowing Seren grins mischievously, and scamp- Violence has never really been a and I was so bowled over by this I miss him very much. I think of pretty well what he wants to do. ers off into the night. [email protected] MOVIES SEREN February 2001 11 What Women Want Now showing at the Plaza Cinema

ight, now I’ve learned my lesson The scene in which he tries on with a whole fif- Rover the years about getting lippy, tights and bra sent audience teen minute sec- into gender politics arguments. The grins racing to lips, with chuckles tion in which Mel glories of film reviewing are simply escaping like Ginger the Chicken. and Hel try to not worth that kind of pain. So let’s The leg-waxing only added to this come up with a make this a kind of androgynous jailbreak. However, these gags are new advertising review shall we? I don’t know what just so damn obvious, you end campaign for Nike women want at all. Nor, it would up feeling like a child laughing at (yes, Nike! As if seem, does What Women Want. a parent’s easy-going knock-knock they needed any The plot is nicely gimmicky. Take jokes. You feel rather manipulated. more bloody pub- Mel Gibson’s macho leading man Once we get past this bit of slap- licity). This stun- persona, cover it in assorted wom- stick (and to be fair, the former ningly trite ordeal en’s clothing, add a smattering Mad Max does ably end up looking actually leads to of psychic girly-understanding she- like a respectable Jessie), we move Mel voicing a Nike nanigans, mix with Oscar winning onto the more interesting side of advert to camera, sweetie Helen Hunt and leave to… the movie. As Nick realises his clair- asking us to well, fester in a downtown red voyant jamminess, the jokes step marvel at just how light district really. Advertising/ up a gear with one or two nice one- beautiful and fem- chauvinist monster, Nick Marshall liners and a good bit of ham from inistic his (Mel) loses his promotion to busi- Gibbo. However, if you’ve seen that campaign is. In a ness bitch Darcy McGuire (Hel), darling episode of Buffy where our parallel universe, HIDDEN GENDER: Mel Gibson waxes lyrical (only without the ‘lyrical’ part). then somehow acquires the rather stylish heroine realises she can read after witnessing handy ability to read women’s the minds of everyone in Sunny- this display of corporate insulting fied on a giant blunt razor, by So to sum it up then, Mel is minds. At first Mel does scared, dale (leading to, you guessed it, shite, I was seen fleeing the cinema the fact that they last twenty engaging, as is the enthusiasm that then Mel does devious, then Mel much hilarity), then there are no and was found two days later at minutes dispenses with humour the first two thirds of the film pos- does… oh God, you really don’t would-be giggles here to even chal- the bottom of the Menai Straits, and devotes itself to pure mouldy sesses. The direction is unobtrusive want to know. lenge it. along with a pair of Nikes that I cheese. We get yet another Hol- and the supporting cast adequate. “But it’s a date movie! Don’t be What Women Want also boasts had stabbed into my own lungs. lywood helping of ‘daddy helps The gags are big and silly, yet too harsh!” I hear some of you the most blatant example of prod- Anyway, getting a bit too ranty his daughter have a great prom’ endearing enough to pass the time. Bangor vigilantes cry. Well shame uct placement this reviewer has there. It is true that many people bullshit, a tired and utterly con- The real problem lies in the script on you. Shame on bloody you. It’s a ever witnessed. The previous win- will find a lot of enjoyment in trived suicide subplot, and a boring and the very real sense that this self-consciously simple and crowd- ners were Mr. Nice Guy (Jackie this flick, and admittedly I am ‘finale’ that pretty much dispenses is a movie, not a picture of life pleasing movie, granted. But even Chan fights while rolling on hun- being very harsh here. However, if with any ideas of the characters or a proper story, but a film that has on its own terms it’s often very dreds of Pepsi cans—gah!) and I was frantically trying to remind that the film has built up. Helen been pieced together by committee lacking. It’s not awful; it just could Mission To Mars (Dr. Pepper saves myself of the film’s good inten- Hunt, though not bad in a simple with the aim of securing a decent have been an awful lot… well… the ship, M&Ms are used to deci- tions towards the end, any change part for much of the running time, box office. It all feels so fake. And funnier. pher the alien DNA patterns—gah!); of opinion was well and truly poi- simply becomes a different person this is sadly the most laughable Mel does ably send himself up. but What Women Want beats this soned, stabbed, raped and cruci- in the final scene. thing about it. HHIII

ollywood remakes are very fashionable at the tery with large casts in The Usual Suspects, achieves the Hmoment. This never guarentee a good film how- same feat here, with both the evil and good mutants ever—just think Avengers. Fortunately, some do pull getting about equal screen time. For the most part, it off; this time I’m thinking Mission: Impossible or though the film focuses on the four key characters Charlie’s Angels. So then, does this Hollywood version Magneto, Xavier, Wolverine and Rogue, all of whom X-Men of the Marvel comic book adventures belong to the are played excellently, with Jackman stealing the film former or latter category? totally with his gruff portrayal of the mystery-shrouded Available now to rent from Albin’s Video For those who don’t know the premise, the X-Men Alvinn Stardust look-alike. The supporting cast are also are a group of mutants, led by Professor Charles Xavier good, with Halle Berry, Famke Janssen and Rebecca (Patrick Stewart), who are fighting in the not too dis- Romjin-Stamos in particular standing out as the shape tant future for the unification of humans and mutants. shifting Mystique. The weakest link is James Marsden’s Unfortunately this is a time when anything out of the instrumental Cyclops, who is frankly like a wet week- ordinary is equally feared, loathed and treated by poli- end in Skegness. We say the sooner Jean Grey (Jans- ticians with xenophobia (nothing like today at all). So, sen) has her way with Wolverine, the better. unsurprisingly a group of mutants, rightly pissed off The film isn’t flawless, and when you actually think at the humans, led by the misguided Magneto (Ian about the plot, it is quite silly and involves people Mckellan), decide it’s time to have their revenge. Add melting. The final scene was also probably called ‘My a couple of stray mutants: Rogue (Anna Paquin) and Big Cheesy Sacrifice’ in the script, besides which a film Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) to the mix and you have about mutants who can shapeshift or fire electricity your plot. at each other won’t be to everybody’s taste. How- The description above does not really do this film ever, these are probably the same people who dis- justice. The action moves along at breakneck speed liked Charlie’s Angels: both films have so much energy through a series of well-conceived set pieces, includ- it seems to me impossible not to get caught up in all ing visually stunning fight scenes: many including the fun. After Batman and Robin, X-Men has restored impressive Matrix-style ‘Wire-Fu.’ The plot itself, while my faith in superhero movies: I heartily recommend it. hardly more ingenious, does have enough substance But remember now we have to brace ourselves for a to satisfy those interested in more than tight leather million sequels as well as Spiderman, Tomb Raider and and high kicks; in particular the relationship between Scooby Doo. I suggest seeing X-Men now before it gets Xavier and Magneto is nicely laid out, and rather more buried under such releases, as it will probably remain HARD AS NAILS: Wolverine fights within his mind to decide cleverly paves the way as many sequels as can be stom- the best. HHHHI whether to use the new toothpicks or not. Or something. ached. Director Bryan Singer, who showed his mas- James Dawson 12 SEREN February 2001 MOVIES [email protected] Memento at the Theatr Gwynedd moment of silence and reverence, good reader. Memento was film told in these ten minute segments, but events also unfold iono, but there is no Athe best film I witnessed in the year 2000—more intelligent in reverse: the film starts at the end and finishes at the begin- need for flashy effects than Gladiator and more fun that any of those wonky blockbust- ning. Thus we have the same ignorance of what has preceded here. Granted, if you ers. It’s on at the Theatr Gwynedd on the 24th and 25th of the present as Pierce does. don’t give it a chance February, so make sure you bloody well go and see it! Some may dismiss the premise as a gimmick, but it is far and your undivided Guy Pierce plays Leonard Shelby, man with no long term deeper than it seems. Raising questions about human per- attention, you will memory. He remembers his life up until a car crash, but has sonality (the phrase ‘a man is the sum of his memories’ kept get hideously lost not been able to form any new memories since then. Ten min- hurtling around my head), it merits a million more mean- and probably hate it; utes is about all he can manage before forgetting everything ingful pub conversations than The Sixth Sense. I really don’t but people like you he’s just been doing. The twist is that he’s looking for the man want to give much away about the plot: you just need to are sick! Just make who killed his wife. The only way he can keep up with his watch the film for yourself to know what I mean. It can be the effort. Please. investigation is by having the clues he’s discovered so far tat- a tad headache-inducing at times, but it is more than worth Pop down and see tooed on his body. This includes carrying around a photo of it, particularly with the pitch black comedy sprinkled across it. It’s a postmod- his car with ‘my car’ written underneath so he can recognise it the story. You’ll scratch your head, you’ll laugh, and you’ll ern Einstein of a movie that lives up to in the car park. That’s the basic pitch (phew), but this is won- feel rather smug if you can keep up with it all. Good support its name and rewards you with a whole lot to keep and cher- derfully complicated further by the fact that not only is the is given by Matrix stars Carrie Ann Moss and Joe Pantolal- ish. Now, what was I doing? HHHHH

6 THE CARNAGE it big time, moving up to ham factor ten. Hot Shots Part Deux parodies the carnage ‘I don’t need the girl! I don’t need no gun! of Robocop and Total Recall by showing a (cue limp-wristed ‘throw gun away’ action) I’m slaughter with a ‘body count’ at the corner gonna kiiill yooouuu nooow!’ Knife fight fol- of the screen. Commando, however plays it lows, then fisticuffs, throughout which the GENIUS! dead straight: Arnie literally kills upwards two men are shown to have equal strength, One Man’s heroic battle to discover the movies that are so bad, of 70 men on his own while standing bold despite Bennett’s sizeable girth. See the they are somehow... gooood. as brass in the middle of a lawn. Seem- wonderful continuity errors! Bennett’s hand ingly every Eastern extra in Hollywood on Matrix’s neck – no, his chin! – no, neck! Operation #1: Commando (1985) is shooting at him, yet he survives with – chin! – neck! — it’s all over the place! barely a scratch on him. Look, he’d get Bennett is pushed into an electricity fence, fter having retired from his crack offspring as if she were somebody else’s shot in the head, OK!? Never has such a screams and seems to be dead... but no! group of specially trained US bag of potatoes! See Arnie and Jenny mess- display of crap enemy fire been witnessed He comes straight back out of it with a Amarines, John Matrix (Arnold ing around with ice cream cones, laugh- by the movie industry. Men are blown punch, seemingly none the worse for his Schwarzenegger) has started a new life in ing at each other’s silliness! See Arnie and through the air, embarrassingly revealing little shock. Arnie finally dispatches of his the hills with his daughter, Jenny. His tran- Jenny stroking a cute little deer in front of the barely disguised spring boards that adversary though the genius of throwing a quil existence is disrupted when the other painted scenery! DO YOU SEE? THEY ARE launched them, and bizarrely, the same big pipe through his nemesis into the gas surviving members of his squad are mur- ENJOYING A PEACEFUL EXISTENCE WITH- moustached trooper seems to die upwards cylinder behind him. ‘Let off some steam, dered, inexplicably, one by one. General OUT A CARE IN THE WORLD! DO YOU of seven times. GENIUS! Bennett!’ Job done! Daughter safe! Back to Kirby, Matrix’s former superior, informs UNDERSTAND? DO YOU? It is also disturb- paradise and tranquility! GENIUS! him that he is the obvious next target. ing to spot the credits of composer James 7 THE SHOWDOWN The crooks behind it all, led by Matrix’s Horner (Titanic), producer Joel Silver (The Matrix vs Bennett! The King of Camp has 8 THE LEGACY former friend, Bennett, kidnap his daugh- Matrix) and actor Dan Hedaya (The Usual the initial upper hand as he sleazily grabs But are we right to laugh at it? There ter, and order Matrix to assassinate a Suspects). GENIUS! hold of Arnie’s daughter; but cryptic genius is a slim chance that Commando may be political leader who stands in their way. Arnie overcomes Bennett’s advantage with (whisper it) tongue in cheek. A knowing Matrix must find a way to foil their dia- 3 ‘WHITE MALE, 6 FOOT 3!’ some ingenious and subtle reverse psycho- mockery of Arnie’s screen persona? Is bolical plans and save his innocent child. Arnie’s ego gets the better of him for this logical warfare: ‘You don’t wanna shoot me; Bennett the only one in on the joke? Dis- Can one man make a difference? unfortunate quote. As the mall police flock you wanna stick dat knife in me and watch cuss. However, one thing is for certain: to take him on, they fearfully describe it twist. Let’s party, Bennett!’ Bennett loses this film is… GENIUS! EIGHT STEPS TO the Austrian Oak as being something of a giant; of course, in reality, Arnold is a GENIUS... midget-tastic 5ft 8in! GENIUS!

1 BENNETT (PRAISE BE TO HIM) 4 SULLY: SUCH A NICE MAN You might assume that Bennett, the Bennett’s sleazy, cocky henchman’s chat most formidable of Arnie’s crack squad. up technique consists of asking a girl thrown out because he ‘enjoyed the kill- for sex, and, if she refuses, calling her ing too much,’ would be one rock hard a ‘fucking whore.’ Nice. Matrix has to motherfucker. Wrong. Bennett is a camp, ‘let him go’ as poor old Sully is dropped overweight, Australian Freddy Mercury from a big bad cliff. ‘You remember, Sully, lookalike with a weakness for chainmail when I said I’d kill you last?’ ‘Yeah Matrix! string vests. ‘Matrix and I could kill all of You did! You did!’ ‘I LIED.’ ‘Arrrrrrggggh- your men in the blink of an eye!’ he snarls; hhhhh!’ GENIUS! in a perfect world, this man, with his kinky squeaky boots and Village People ‘tache, 5 ‘FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!’ would be a Hollywood megastar and gay During Arnie’s big hotel-based fight with icon of massive proportions. His bizarre nasty hood Cook, they throw themselves orgasmic groan as Matrix finally brings into the next room, where a geeky bloke his limp-wristed reign to a ludicrous close is having sex with a busty porn-star type. cements his credentials as… GENIUS! Said couple look shocked, scream a bit, and the fight goes on. Ah, Hollywood 2 TITLE SEQUENCE FROM HELL clichés. In the script’s most masterful See Arnie carry wood! He’s a lumberjack moment, Cook points his gun at Arnie and he’s OK! See Arnie apply his elite and cries ‘Fuck you, asshole!’ But, wait! military training to spotting his daughter No bullets left in gun! Arnie’s witty retort: sneak up behind him! See Arnie lift up said ‘Fuck you, asshole!’ GENIUS! BAD MAN BAD: Bennett horrifically tortures Arnie’s daughter. [email protected] GAMES SEREN February 2001 13 Rayman Revolution Out now for the PlayStation 2 ayman has evolved. Rayman is now fully impossible, which is good, but the plot that R3D. Rayman is still an abominable little links it all together is overly contrived and sprit with no personality and some of the going from palce to place is time consuming, most annoying ‘pals’ in recent computer and, oh well, quite frankly, annoying. The graph- game history. ics are good, as you’d expect from the PlaySta- This is quite a good 3D platform game tion 2—a new benchmark perhaps, but some though. The gameplay is fairly straightforward, camera angles are extremely awkward, espe- which is nice, so you can get straight into it. cially when you have a difficult jump to judge, The tutorial is a bit annoying in that it’s actu- and pissed us right off. ally a part of the game so you have to wade A good game if you don’t mind the cutesy through it when starting a new game. I can see graphics, but perhaps too long for this atten- that this might be a good idea if you are part of tion span—you may find that you’ve lost inter- the illiterate new generation and can’t be both- est by the time you’re half-way through. No ered with looking at the booklet, but can’t it be better but no worse than good, this game does DEEPER UNDERGROUND: The only revolution may be the graphics. And that a separate option? the job. Accept no other synonyms. HHHII weird-ass plum you find after you’ve been playing for about six hours. The platform stages are challenging but not EMB Ms PacMan Maze Madness Out now for the PlayStation

acMan? Cool. This’ll take me but still this game will do the job for original to satisfy fans, and the puz- Pback—I have fond memories of adult players too. zles add enough variety to keep you the original PacMan on a ridiculously The gameplay is entirely straight- interested, but there’s not enough of large Atari console back in the early forward. In fact it’s almost boringly a victory at the end of each stage to eighties. But wait! This is different! simple, but then so was the origi- justify repeated play. Good luck to This is 3D, with loads of little puzzles nal PacMan, and that was so popu- you if you try to persevere right to thrown in for good measure! lar it came close to crippling Japan’s the end, but I found watching chil- This game’s graphics suggest that economy. Or am I thinking of Space dren’s telly in my pants just that bit this is for children but I had a good Invaders? more rewarding. HHIII laugh playing it. Okay, I was half cut, It remains close enough to the EMB Shenmue Chu Chu Rocket Out now for the Dreamcast Out now for the Dreamcast ats eat mice. That’s it. awn. Shenmue claims to be a game do we want computer games to resem- CFact of life. And the Ywhich emulates real life, while con- ble real life? We have plenty of that sort premise for this game. Of taining an RPG element. You control of thing anyway, we don’t need Sega course, you have to save the Ryo (catchphrase: “Um”) whose father recreating it for us. Shenmue is interest- mice from the cats and get has just been murdered by a mysteri- ing at first, but having to kill time soon them to the rockets before ous Chinese gang boss. The object is to gets frustrating. Just like real life, only a the cats get there. Yes, rock- find said gang boss, and deal out venge- lot more boring. HIIII ets. The mice are evacuating ance. Daniel Hartley the planet, and the cats don’t This is done by talk- want them to leave—they’re ing to the many people hungry. This is a puzzle who populate Ryo’s game, like Lemmings only in town, while learning bite size chunks. The mice moves for the fighting run in straight lines, turning sections which come right when they hit a wall, MOUSE MANIA: About as maddening as computer later. Mostly, however, so you should point them games dare get without spurring you to violence. it involves standing towards the rockets. The cats around waiting for are equally stupid and they the Dreamcast’s full poten- takes up a lot of space on shops to open, or, in will follow your arrows as tial—but that’s okay as the your memory thingy. the later stages of the well but they are slower than puzzles are horribly addic- Whether it’s a keeper game, moving crates the mice. That’s all you need tive. And that’s just the depends on how long it’ll from one warehouse to to know. one-player puzzle game. take you to work out how another when Ryo gets The puzzles start out There are several multi- to do the harder puzzles. a job. ridiculously simple, but get player options: one to four Perhaps worth renting rather No-one asked the harder and harder till you players, teams and internet than buying—if only there following question need to put down the drugs options. Oh yeah, and you was somewhere in Bangor when making this tedi- SHENMUE: I see. and actually give it some can create your own puzzles! where you could rent Dream- ous game: why the hell thought. The graphics are Challenge your friends! But cast games... HHHHI very simple—not living up to be warned that each puzzle EMB 14 SEREN February 2001 GAMES [email protected] Tekken Tag Tournament Out now for the PlayStation 2

he hugely popular Tekken series Rather than a sequel to Tekken 3, the best version yet. However, it still Tgoes next generation with the this is more of an enhanced version. suffers from the problems that the tongue-twisting TTT. All your favour- It has characters from earlier Tekken plagued earlier versions—for example, ite characters are here, and all of games, better graphics and the Tag single player mode is only worth both- them still have about seven million aspect (you can now choose two fight- ering with to unlock new characters moves that you have no hope of mas- ers for each bout and alternate getting with which to pummel your mates. If tering (but certainly look impressive their asses kicked). There are a few you own Tekken 3 you’re better off wait- when the computer uses them on you). new moves, too, but other than that, ing for the fourth game proper than There is also the familiar impenetrable TTT is identical to the earlier game. spending your hard-earned money on back-story, which this reviewer sus- The Tekken series offers probably this re-hash. It’s a good game, but a STITCH THIS: Armor King and Jun Kazama, together at pects is the result of the programmers the best of all the fighting games little over-familiar. HHHII last in bloody, brutal combat. being pretentious morons. available at the moment, and this is Daniel Hartley Jungle Book Groove Party Out now for the PlayStation

o, no, no, NO you idiots. This is a The plot of the game follows that of sadly the rest of it sucks big time. The Nbad idea and you have executed it the film, and the songs Mowgli dances major problem is that it’s far too easy. shoddily. Hang your heads in shame, to are the ones from the soundtrack. It may be targeted at kids, but even on Disney, you money-mad fools. The actual dancing is done in one of the hardest level it completely fails to Jungle Book Groove Party is a poor two ways. The one that looks slightly hold the attention. This reviewer’s flat- imitation of such Japanese games as entertaining uses a mat on which you mate was so offended by the game that the genius Parappa the Rapper, except actually dance, but we weren’t sent a he felt the need to microwave the disc. that instead of rapping, you (as Mowgli) mat, so were forced to resort to the It is now mounted on the living room have dancing competitions with vari- other, incredibly dull method of press- wall, alongside the legend Disney Must DANCE, PUPPETS, DANCE: You have to admit, it all ous characters from the movie—Baloo, ing buttons at the right time. Die: Think of the Children. Says more than looks fairly chipper. that tiger, that snake that used to freak The graphics and music for this game a review ever could, really. HIIII me out when I was five, et cetera. are ace if you like Disney films, but Daniel Hartley Jet Set Radio Out now for the Dreamcast

eckless vandalism arrives in your theme, but that’s the basic premise. As sounds amazing. The graphics resemble Rliving room in the form of hyperac- well as rival gangs, there’s the law to a Manga cartoon, and the soundtrack is tive Japanese teenagers with futuristic, contend with, and they’re big fans of a continual stream of hip-hop, techno, turbo-charged in-line skates and lots military hardware. All of this makes for drum’n’bass and punk, adding to the of spray paint. Jet Set Radio is set in a a challenging (i.e. bastard-hard) gaming high-adrenaline feel of the game. future where the only crime appears to experience. Indeed, the insane diffi- Jet Set Radio will have you hooked, be graffiti, and the police chase offend- culty curve is the major flaw of Jet Set but it will also have you tearing out ers with helicopters and tanks. Radio, especially when combined with your hair in frustration. It’s also the The game is divided into missions, its control system, which is far from closest most of us will come to being a the object being to spray over the tags intuitive and often plain infuriating. teenage delinquent, which rocks, obvi- MANIC: Flee! Flee! For the law is in hot pursuit, and HHHHI of rival skater gangs within the allotted Still, the game is more addictive than ously. this is Jet Set Radio, where anything can happen. time. There are slight variations on this Mini Eggs or heroin, and looks and Daniel Hartley Aqua Aqua: Wetrix 2 Out now for the PlayStation 2 hat’s with the people that make sky, and this has to be contained within of the game, so there’s no sense of WJapanese puzzle games? Aqua Aqua your lakes. Add bombs, fireballs, ice achievement, just relief that it’s finally is in the same league as Vib Ribbon cubes and volcano monsters into the over. Aqua Aqua is also ludicrously small: for out-and-out oddness and originality. mix, and things get frantic very quickly. we count six levels, which is unaccept- Hallucinogenic drugs are suspected. Graphically, Aqua Aqua can’t be able on a puzzle game. As the name suggests, water plays a faulted, but for a PS2 game this is what Aqua Aqua is an example of original large part in Aqua Aqua. The idea is to you’d expect. In terms of gameplay it not necessarily meaning good. There’s create lakes and ensure that no water sucks. The control system is horrible a shortage of puzzle games for the spills from the edge of the playing field. and fiddly, and, since the map can’t be PS2 at the moment, but it’s worth wait- Lakes are created using uppers (which rotated, spotting leaks in your walls ing for something decent to come out. ICE CUBE! Aqua Aqua offers the PlayStation 2 owner raise land) and downers (which—oh, becomes almost impossible. A level Avoid this at all costs. HHIII the chance to get wet and wild, but not in a good way. you work it out). Water falls from the seems to end pretty much on the whim Daniel Hartley [email protected] GAMES SEREN February 2001 15 Disney’s Aladdin in Nasia’s Revenge PlayStation od but Disney suck at this business. Don’t get Gme wrong, you can rely on them to turn out a decent animated film, but when it comes to videog- ames, they just bomb. Nasia’s Revenge is the worst thing Disney have ever released, even compared to Jungle Book Groove Party. Yeah, that bad. In this latest assault on the game-playing world, Uncle Walt’s corporate colossus has churned out a 3D platformer. Now, this genre is a tricky one, with far too many substandard games cluttering up a sat- urated market, but Nasia’s Revenge is so unplayable, so boring, so shit that it actually stands out. So what’s so bad about it? The graphics wouldn’t look out of place on a Megadrive, the control system is so unresponsive it makes the game virtually unplay- able and any hint of originality in both plot and game play has been mercilessly stamped out. The voice acting also, to be blunt, sucks ass (although there’s no Robin Williams, so it’s not all traumatic). All in all, ewwww. IIIII Daniel Hartley COMPETITION We have one copy of this soul-destroying shit- fest to give away! Please take it. It’s a promo copy, and they’re quite rare you know. ARABIAN SHITE: Disney’s Aladdin (not the one from the Scheherezade at all then) threatens something or other. All you have to do is answer this simple ques- tion: if you had one wish, what would you wish for? The answer, which amuses, irritates or freaks us out the most wins. All decisions will be taken by a panel of impartial and sober judges (the section editor’s flatmates), and our decree is final. Send your wish to [email protected] Quake 3: Arena or drop a bit of paper off at the Seren office. By the way, we still have a copy of Chase The Dreamcast Express to give away from last term. Check our hat tricky platform-to-platform conversion has caused ing that titles that were fantastic on the PC seem to become the October issue at http://seren.bangor.ac.uk Tboth developers and gamers alike considerable head- unplayable on the PlayStation. So, how does the popular for details. aches since the days of 8-bit computers. It’s a process that Quake series fare on the Dreamcast, away from its usual home seems to throw out a bad game just about every time, mean- on the PC? In terms of presentation, the console version of the game is identical to the computer incarnation, with smooth if not awe-inspiring graphics and excellent sound (which is as it should be on Sega’s console). Being work-shy and unpro- fessional, this reviewer has yet to play the game on-line, but Ineternet reports suggest that the Dreamcast’s arse of a modem makes this an extremely annoying experience, at least for we Brits. Another problem with the console version is attempting to play it with the controller, rather than the keyboard and mouse. Developers rarely manage to overcome this difficulty when designing first-person shooters for the consoles, and this is no exception. A flaw that the Dreamcast version shares with the PC is that the single player game is dull in the extreme. Unlike the first two instalments of Quake, there are no stages to progress through, merely a series of increasingly difficult fights with computer opponents. Of course, playing Quake 3 alone is totally missing the point of the game. It has been designed as a multiplayer, with “fragging” your friends now the ultimate post-pub and club experience. This reviewer finds it difficult to get excited about such mindless blasting, however, and while the Quake series is obviously catering for its many fans, the third instalment fails to offer anything very new. High gloss has never been much of a substitute for involving gameplay, and ultimately Quake 3 doesn’t really hold the attention for long. Fans of mindless violence will love it. For the rest of us, there’s Medal of Honor 2: Underground. HHHII FRAGGLE ROCK: Quake 3: Arena affords players a rare opportunity to shoot people in tunnels. Daniel Hartley 16 SEREN February 2001 COMESTIBLES [email protected] South Park’s Speedy Nasi Goreng

his Nasi Goreng recipe is quick to make (half an some more inventive way to mush it up) and add to Cookin’ Thour) and easy to cook—and unlike a Chinese the onions. takeaway you know what’s in it! 4 Stir the rice in and keep on stirring until your arm ashing in on the enormous success of the television series, the crea- goes lame and the rice becomes transparent. Ctors of South Park have now launched their own food range, so fans To serve four people you will need: 5 Pour in the broth (that you have of course pre- can now watch the show whilst tucking in to such delights as ‘South Park • 100g onions pared according to the instructions). Southern Style Chicken Dippers’ or ‘Chef ’s Stuffing Balls.’ Alternatively, if • 2 cloves garlic 6 Simmer uncovered at a high temperature for 8-10 you’re looking for inspiration for • 3 tbsp olive oil minutes until you can see little bubbles appearing that (um…) special Valentine’s • 250g long grain rice on the surface. meal, you can offer your • 500ml chicken broth (e.g. Oxo) 7 Cover and simmer at a low temp. for another beloved a large portion • 1 ready-grilled chicken or 500g raw chicken 10-12 minutes, stirring occasionally of ‘Chef ’s Love Sau- strips 8 While the rice is happily bubbling away, either sage.’ If you’re so • 120g canned prawn meat remove the chicken meat from the chicken or, if inclined. Apparently • 150g ham slices using raw meat, grill the chicken strips. Make sure quick and easy to • 1 red pepper the meat is not too thick or it will take ages to grill prepare, it should • 3 eggs and be crispy only on the outside. leave you with • Mild curry powder 9 Drain the prawns. plenty of time to • White pepper (you can use black if that’s all 10 Dice the ham. pursue your roman- you’ve got) 11 Slice the pepper in half, remove the seeds and tic interests—just • Nutmeg chop up finely. make sure that it’s • Finely chopped parsley (optional) 12 Crack the eggs and whisk. not you that looks 13 Add the chicken, prawns, ham and pepper to the rice. quick and easy! 1 Peel the onions and garlic cloves, then slice the 14 Season with salt, pepper, curry and nutmeg. onions into thin rings. 15 Stir in the eggs and the parsley and allow to 2 Heat up the oil and fry the onions until transparent. thicken at a low temperature. White & Milk 3 Squeeze the garlic through a garlic press (or find 16 Serve and eat! Chocolate Nut Spinach Tortellini Dish cheap and fast meal. If spinach really A isn’t your thing or some other veg is on Cookies offer, just use that for instance. Taste good too with broccoli instead.

his recipe makes absolutely • 525g self raising flour To feed four people you will need: divine cookies, ideal for sweet • A pinch of salt T • 500g tortellini tooths [teeth?—Ed]. But be warned: • 100g chopped walnuts • 600g frozen or fresh spinach you’ll be seriously buzzing from • 375g chocolate chips (white • 100g onions the sugar rush these cookies give and milk chocolate) • 2 cloves garlic you! If cookies aren’t so much your • Baking paper • 1 tbsp butter thing, try the dough with vanilla or • 400ml cream chocolate ice-cream, because this 1 Line the baking tray with the • Corn starch is after all the gorgeous stuff you paper. • Salt find in cookie dough ice-cream. 2 Cream the butter with the sugars • and the vanilla essence. White pepper • For roughly 50 big cookies you 3 Beat in the eggs. Nutmeg • will need: 4 Fold in the sifted flour and salt 2 tbsp lemon juice • 255g butter with the nuts and chocolate chips. • 225g granulated sugar 5 Work a spoonful of mixture into 1 Cook the spinach in salt water. If using • 225g brown sugar a cookie and place on the tray. frozen spinach, bring to the boil first and • A few drops of vanilla 6 Bake in the oven at 180°C / 350°F then let the spinach defrost by cooking it at essence / Gas Mark 4 for 12-15 minutes on a medium temperature for 10-12 minutes. • 3 eggs the middle rack. 2 Boil the tortellini in salt water until al dente. 7 Let the cookies cool on the 3 Peel the onions and garlic cloves. Chop baking tray for one minute, then up the onions finely. place on a wire rack to finish 4 Melt the butter in a saucepan and fry the cooling. onions in it until transparent. 5 Squeeze the garlic through a garlic press You might want to start and add to the onions. eating them straight away, 6 Mix a bit of the cream with a teaspoonful ‘cause they’re nicest when of corn starch. freshly baked and not 7 Add the rest of the cream to the onions totally cooled—then and bring to the boil. they’re still all gooey! 8 Stir in the corn starch mixture making sure there are no lumps and the starch has COOKIES: For one month blended properly. only Seren has agreed not 9 Drain the spinach and tortellini and stir to illustrate a cookie receipe into sauce. with a picture of Cookie Monster. 10 Season with salt, pepper, nutmeg and lemon juice. [email protected] ANY OTHER BUSINESS SEREN February 2001 17

ony Blair and Tchums did their Horoscopes bit and Holocaust Day went as The month ahead with Anna Gramme planned. What an create incredibly oafish concept. Kids today (he said, chewing on UN Aries Libra March 21st to September 23rd to the end of his pipe) already give only the ourselves and so often just feel plain past it? April 19th October 23rd most token thought to WW1 come the day Just as technology comes with built-in ^ d their teacher orders them to buy a poppy and obsolescence, the generation of people who Venus in your sign means that you can You might not get quick results from your write two pages on a Wilfred Owen poem of first grew up with computers as a plaything expect huge benefits in love, money and plans, but you will at least set the ball their ‘choice’. It is an annual ritual. – us – are effectively on the scrapheap every personal popularity. The full moon adds rolling. Prepare for happy news around The Holocaust—which is an even starker time we see a kid using his dad’s PC before lustre to affairs of the heart and creative the 4th. The 11th is ideal for romance testament to humanity’s brutality due to its they can actually talk. For them it’s not just potential, but forget the past before you and by the 25th your powers of attrac- basis in pure xenophobia and with only the second nature—it’s nature full-stop. So the can enjoy what the future has to offer. tion will be irresistible. flimsiest attempts to halfheartedly disguise speed at which our electronic and media-led/ it as a matter of economics and territory— obsessed lives flies past has us getting nos- does not deserve to be reduced in the minds talgic about the eighties, the nineties, last Taurus Scorpio of future generations; but that is exactly week.... Nostalgia! In my punk days I’d have April 20th to October 24th to what’s bound to happen. In an attempt to gobbed on anybody who even thought the _May 20th eNovember 21st ‘remember,’ Holocaust Day if anything con- word (alright, that’s a lie, I was strictly a Com- tinues the Nineties’ reshaping and reimag- pulsion-gig and reading-Jon Savage kinda Say and do nothing until you are genu- Irritations and aggression are unavoida- ing, becoming a version of the past (to wit, guy, but still, I’d have at least, I don’t know, inely sure of your heart. Be wary of frus- ble. The middle of the month is time to Schindler’s List)—and becomes a kind of for- glared at them or something). But it’s offi- tration at home or work, which could use your initiative and make a fresh start. getting. cial—looking back is the new looking for- possibly affect your health. Around the Only take calculated risks and don’t leave At college I was shocked to find people ward, kids are the new adults, Madonna is 25th you are more in control but be anything to chance. From the 15th you my age who had never heard of the whole the new, er, Madonna, and staying in is... the aware of recent problems so as not to are on a mission to make money but you thing, and the look on their faces as dear same old growing old slowly and gracefully repeat past mistakes. could earn and spend quickly! old teach sat the poor loves down and went in the face of adversity. through it all.... If Holocaust Day becomes just another ritual, just another date and f printing goes to plan, this issue should Gemini Sagittarius event in the past. then that’s all these kids Ibe out on Valentine’s Day. One of the best May 21st to November 22nd to will remember. Some story from ancient his- aspects in some areas of women’s magazines June 21st December 21st tory to be learnt by rote before they are in recent years has been its insistence on ` f allowed to rush out onto the playground, promoting singledom in positive ways, con- A confusing month. Use this time to A promising period starts now and will kick a football, get in fights, develop some trary to the automatic “you gotta have a look back or take a second look at an last until September. Use this to your deep malformed irrational hatred towards man!” of old. But this day of all days only old matter you thought closed. You will advantage in the things that matter most. anyone different, become a politician, start a makes a mockery of such insistences. uncover information that eluded you in The 19th-25th will present a test of char- war, commit genocide... you know, that sort The inherent arrogance of it as a cultural the past. Be cautious under pressure and acter in the form of your own personal of thing. collective experience (and everyone experi- put things off until the 23rd if possible. Achilles heel: you have been warned! ences it, in some way) is incredible, as the rom one sort of ‘Never Again’ to another. noses of others are rubbed mercilessly in FWorry not, gentle reader, this time it’s the apparent success and perfectness of the Cancer Capricorn nothing more than another whinge at a night two-become-oners. A couples’ day exists only June 22nd to December 22nd to out that went wrong. Eagle-eyed readers of because it can exist—you couldn’t have a sin- July 22nd January 19th last year (and Seren does seem to becoming gles’ day because it would just consist of a g a yearly event) may recall a visit to Trash human life as it is ordinarily lived, the func- A good month for sorting out your affairs. Formidable financial stars mean you must that had me in tears and tatters thanks to tioning of individual creatures. Couples, the Make financial decisions now even if you make savings now if you want to sail the male pack mentality that drenched my vast majority of them in a feeble attempt don’t act until March. Do your paper- through the rest of the year. Be sure you beloved ‘Teen Spirit’ in a toxic cloud of testo- at personality aggrandisement, therefore go work, especially where cash is involved. know where you stand. You could be in sterone. This time round it’s merely a banal and do the only thing they can which sin- An opportunity arises but demands a sac- for a rude awakening—and an extraordi- mixture of embarrassment, a hangover, and gles, as an obviously less visible non-group, rifice: what do you have to lose? nary surprise too… the chaos that ensues when the love of your cannot, which is to promote themselves as a life gets chatted up by a (twirls moustache) couple, as two, a duo, a pair-bonded double- mysterious stranger. Nights out, loud music headed star-crossed love machine. Leo Aquarius and copious amounts (for me) of alcohol, and Up until last year Valentine’s Day as a July 23rd to January 20th to the spending of money that I don’t have in single was a genuinely hideous torment. Yes, bAugust 22nd February 18th order to finance such activity, have all finally romance and the conscious acknowledge- h proved too much for my fragile frame to ment of it between couples is a good, won- Wipe the slate clean in a number of emo- Keep your options open. Upheaval and withstand. Goodbye Trash, goodnight drink, derful thing and only an idiot p.c. extremist tional, psychological and personal areas. trauma will occur, but the turnout will hello one gig a year, the John Peel show and would claim otherwise. Consider your options before taking a be favourable if you are prepared. If comfy indoor footwear. But to actually have a ‘Special Day’ which firm decision, but be sure that you are not, expect frustrations and awkwardness. What I find only faintly annoying about promotes this in superior contrast to single- about to seek closure on issues that until Your current life is a fraction of what you this, however, is the speed with which I’ve dom is offensive and stupid. It’s all very now would not go away. could have if you escaped routine. accepted this. I’m not shocked by it at all. politically sound to be part of a couple, as This is because the age of the Pivotal Instant the powers that be will almost always shine is gone. The Pivotal Instant, as somewhat on you. What V.D. (ho ho) does is to effec- Virgo Pisces jokily defined by that long-gone magazine tively slag off any other human romantic August 23rd to Feburary 19th to Sun Zoom Spark, is (or was) “the moment activity or non-activity as substandard ‘life- cSeptember 22nd March 20th when you suddenly realise that you are old.” style choices’. i Fine, except that our generation has such In reality, we are all of us in the same This month and the next need you to be You will be forced to think about deci- ‘Pivotal Instants’ about five times a week. boat—confused, happy, sad, happy again, at your most fastidious. Most especially sions, but the New Moon gives you The culture is so accelerated and youth-ori- and struggling for some kind of control as employment issues represent the biggest the strength you need to lose any emo- entated, and so geared towards (yeuch) per- the rough seas whip us onwards to some black spot. A relationship will be forged, tional baggage. Although not the easiest fection and efficiency (the Nazism of pop and unknown destination. but you must first divorce yourself from month, you’ll realise how to find long- the catwalk), that is it any wonder we look at David O. MacGowan the past. Take one day at a time. lasting happiness and success. 18 SEREN February 2001 EDITORIAL AND LETTERS [email protected]

Students’ Union (as CCSO Will Kelly otherwise never hear of them— spent hours on the phone to their observes on page 2, around 10% of and so helps enrich the University technical staff, but neither we nor Bangor’s student population turned experience for everyone. Perhaps they could identify the problem. out to elect the present SU Exec- you didn’t miss Seren. But if it Maybe you’d like to have a look at utive). But this is because Bangor had come out in September, who the issue and see if you can figure is a highly plural society and home knows what you might have ended out what’s wrong with it—visit to countless overlapping communi- up doing and who you might have http://seren.bangor.ac.uk and click ties. Among its six thousand-plus ended up meeting? on the ‘October 2000’ link. students you will find as a broad So we believe that Seren is There ensued a long period of cross-section of society as you can vital to students—which of course unhelpful dialogue, during which imagine: bubbly party people and makes it all the more embarrassing progress on any front seemed surly goths; AU hacks and AIX hack- that it’s been away for so long. The impossible short of the SU simply ers; people of all faiths and those reasons are depressingly mundane. attempting to wriggle out of the of no faith; classical violinists and Over the summer the SU negoti- contract and return to Seren’s old death-metal fiends; early-morning ated a new printing contract for publisher. After all, their service had “Where have you been all my life?” canoeists and late-night casanovas; Seren which seemed almost too cost more, but they were able to hard-working scientists and dread- good to be true: nearly twice as spare the time to help us with tech- Seren’s Editor Darien Graham-Smith locked drug-dealers. Small wonder many copies would be printed for nical problems. However, shortly that many of these diverse groups around two thirds of last year’s before such a move became inevi- bites the bullet and explains. feels only a minor affiliation with costs. The savings would be made table, the publisher agreed to send the overarching Union which repre- by moving from a small, local a technician to set up our pre-press ave you ever wondered what a versities would have managed at sents them all. printer to an industrial printing for us—and just six weeks later HSeren is? Well, ‘seren’ is a Welsh least four issues in that time. At my Nevertheless, this very plurality press that publishes several daily one actually came (it seems print word, meaning ‘star.’ It’s also the alma mater we managed to get one is what makes Seren so important: and weekly newspapers in Stafford- technicians in Derby rarely have the official English-language newspaper out every week—including the two it is every student’s most direct shire and Derbyshire. time to visit Bangor). I watched the of UWB Students’ Union, and you’re weeks either side of term. Admit- vehicle for reaching not just his or Unfortunately, although their process closely, and I’m absolutely holding it in your hands right now. tedly, Seren is only supposed to her own social group but the entire size enabled them to print Seren at certain he didn’t do anything at all The slightly harder question is come out every month, but we’ve community. After all, we may divide greatly reduced cost, it also meant different to what we’d already tried howcome it’s February, for fuck’s managed to miss even that target ourselves up in a hundred ways, they were often extremely busy, a hundred times, but, perversely sake, and if you’re a first-year you quite spectacularly. but we are all students. Practically and weren’t always available to help enough, it worked. probably haven’t even heard of it Many of you probably don’t par- all of us are affected by financial Seren make the necessary changes And so, to cut a long story short, until now. To be honest, we’re prob- ticularly care what’s been going on issues; by academic issues; by the to its pre-press procedures. The we’re being printed again. It may ably more worried about this than with Seren during this time. This simple fact of being young adults result was that Seren wasn’t sent to have taken a while, but better late you are. After all, you simply appear isn’t to say Bangor students are apa- living away from home. Seren is the print until mid-October—and even than never, and other such plat- slightly underinformed, whereas it thetic: that’s a regularly-repeated ideal forum for these issues that then it wasn’t, in the end, printed. itudes. Over the coming months looks like we’re so stupendously libel, but it’s based on a misconcep- affect everyone. Moreover, Seren We were sure we had set up our we’ll be working flat-out to make incompetent it takes us five months tion. It’s true that Bangor students brings societies and activities to computer correctly, but their com- Seren worth the wait. Let me know to produce a newspaper. Most Uni- seem to take little interest in the the attention of those who might puter couldn’t read our pages. We what you think. Ticket to ride? wordswordswords Christmas bluster SIR—To get anything done in the Union Sir—Perhaps it is time for the Reichel & these days appears to demand a stupid send them all to [email protected] Rathbone Christmas Ball to metamorphose. amount of time and energy. Simple things, Surely the fact that this year’s ball failed to like borrowing a minibus from the Union sell its 500 tickets suggests that the current up to Top College. Unless one happens to Well fair agree that no comittee should be able to format has had its day? Couldn’t the SU be someone ‘important,’ paperwork needs veto the acts of one which outranks it. either take the ball over or just aid in logis- to be completed in triplicate before the SIR—I must thank the Welfare people for I accept Billigung but I am unsure that I tical management? Changing the venue of keys will be released. Given that we now what they’ve done about the attacks on can now carry out to my full ability what I the ball would open the possibility of a later have to get the mileage to something enor- Glanrafon: it seems to have worked. I now have been elected to do. This matter will bar license—and increase capacity, which mous each year, I find it rather strange we feel slightly safer going home at night up almost certainly be an issue at the next could provide better value for money. Per- don’t make the buses easier to use. the hill and it’s great that I can join my meeting of Senedd (20th Feb, 7.30 pm in haps the Union could help constructively Desmond Llewelyn siblings in self-defence courses, as well as the University Council Chamber), and if for this year’s ball. feeling reassured that there will be some- necessary it will go further. I will not have Andrew Whiteside Seren Replies: Didn’t you die in a car crash one there to listen to what I have to say the Senedd undermined. last year? We’d have thought you of all people M. Harper Bob Connerton would recognise the importance of making it as Fondant fancy hard as possible for lunatics like Bob Connerton to get their hands on motor vehicles. Senedd censored? Poor reception SIR—Your final year project is like trying to put a large cake in your mouth in one go. SIR—On the assumption that more people SIR—The sacking of Scratchy, Derrick and You can vaguely taste all the flavour, and Early closing read Seren than attend General Meetings, Barry last year doesn’t seem to have ben- it seemed like a good idea at the begin- may I express my disappointment that in efited students at all. Things keep going ning, but now you’re feeling a bit sick. Yet, SIR—Is it just me, or in the last two years, recent weeks the work that I do and has walkabout, and the Union’s opening hours with lots more chewing you know it will go have the services that the Union offers been severely hampered. I refer to the loss have decreased. The receptionists do a valu- down eventually. been seriously eroded? Freddy’s used to be of autonomy regarding those areas of the able job, but in the old days we could be Then, not so long later, like going to the open in the evenings; Jock’s Bar used to be Union’s website for which I am responsi- assured that as long as the building was bathroom, it comes back from the binders open on Monday and Tuesday nights, but ble. Previously, this section was updated as open, we could get from one part of the as a pile of shite. these days, apparently someone seems to and when appropriate, but now I must pre- Union to another. Also, when we had por- Yak have decided what students want without pare what I wish to upload on the preced- ters we didn’t have to keep borrowing and Third-year Pyschology asking us. Any chance of some services— ing Monday and hope that the Exeuctive returning keys: Derrick would walk with longer shop hours and stuff? will like what I have to say. you, bunch of keys in one hand, bollocks in Seren Replies: Congratulations to Yak, who, Alice Nutter Without wishing to get on my ‘high the other, and open the relevant doors. It with this thoughtful submission, has set a new horse,’ I must observe that the institution I seems to me the conversion was a waste of world record for most letters published in con- Seren Replies: A good point. If anyone would represent (Senedd) is constitutionally supe- time and cash. But who am I to complain? secutive issues of an English-language student care to respond we’ll publish replies next issue. rior to the Executive. I hope readers will Richard Oakes newspaper. [email protected] VALENTINE’S VALEDICTIONS SEREN February 2001 19 please be my

Dewi with the patent To My Lancelot, Will always be there for You’re fab. ¤ Vleather shoes,alentineYou are my knight in To dearest Caem you. ..¤ . Remember us, Octagon, shining armour, Love you dearly – be Mags Dearest L, Cool Cat, July 2000? All my heart, mine Be my valentine ¤ I love you more! *purr* Lady Guinevere xxx From??? X All my love, H xxx ¤ Kev, Your Kitten xxx ¤ ¤ ¤ Frankie (Security) What you do is always ¤ Do you remember me? Leather boy seeks large special to me. Dan, Sian, Nikky, chocolate bar for melty Luv Sarah xxx C u 2nite? ¤ I see you baby... shaking You’re my favourite fun. Prefer Galaxy, Cad- Ems xxx Christina that ass... ¤ secret! bury’s etc but all bars ¤ You make me go all ¤ To the Ginger Birds, Buzz xxx considered. Luv U Cathie tingly! My darling M, We still think Ginger’s ¤ Chris xxxx ¤ best!! Lots of love, Ad Andrew I love you, heart and Sidge To Emho, soul. Will you marry me? and Matt xxx ¤ ¤ Miss you. Wish we could From your loving member Yours L xxx ¤ Cari di Hefyd, Chris, be together all the time. of Stage Crew xxx ¤ Cathie / aka Sprout Can we try again…? M, Juice Ade ¤ The D, I screwed up. I admit it. ¤ ¤ NC Lets get back together. ¤ You are the best! Be Dawsie, To Guppy I wanna love u but I’d K xxx HONGEEEEEEEEEEE! mine! Yours hopefully, I’m going to spoil you rot- Love U better not touch... think Xxx Anna xxx ¤ ten… Gopher! of u always. ¤ To Stage crew N xxx ¤ ¤ Ed xxx Graham, We all love you, really! ¤ ¤ Lonely hearts club rant ... while EMB speaks out on behalf of everyone who wasn’t expecting any cards this morning

n those drunken four ay-em moments, when the street out- it can count as cool. For writing to have instant—remember shirt-wearing, overly-aggressive twat with short cropped hair Iside is almost deathly quiet, not a drunken student to be it has to be instant—cool you have to either (a) be working on a (covered in gel for God knows why) and Kickers shoes. Maybe heard and the Late Stop hours from opening, I’ve pondered novel, a credible kind of novel like the next On the Road or Fear and that’s where I’m going wrong; maybe I should throw out the what my lonely hearts ad would read like. There’s been quite Loathing… or, (b) be a rock journalist. By the way, it personal ad and get myself a hair cut and some Brylcreem. I a few of these moments lately. has to be a rock journalist—real journalism is too much like hard don’t know when exactly this became the social norm, but I It’s a tragic symptom of prolonged single life that you work. find it quite horrifying. And the scariest thing is, women actu- start to get desperate enough to draught a lonely hearts ad. The trouble with these ads is that you can’t list anything ally seem to go for it! Why? How can you girls even tell them Even if the draught exists only in your head. And the longer that defines you. Everyone puts ‘good sense of humour,’ apart? These men look unimaginative, mindless automatons. you stay single, the more polished the ad becomes. Eventu- regardless of whether they have or not. Don’t put your likes Is it possible to check your soul at the cloakroom? ‘Cause I ally, you have an ad so nicely worded that it’ll be a crime to or dislikes, because it will sound like you’re nine years old think they have. Please lads, stop pretending to like Five and deny it form, and you write it down. Then you’re a heartbeat again, being forced by a teacher to write to a German pen-pal go listen to music made by guys with a dick. away from placing it in the Guardian’s Guide or, worse still, in whom you have zero interest. “Hello. My name is Ian. My Look at the animal kingdom and see all these fabulous the local paper. Seren doesn’t have a lonely-hearts page, and favourite food is chips and pizza and chocolate. I like listen- mating rituals—colourful plumage, intricate songs, dances, to be honest, I’m quite glad it doesn’t—it means I get to ing to the music pop.” The grammar wasn’t intentionally bad: competitions where the largest nose wins rather than who can keep some pride. I was nine and didn’t speak German. I still don’t. kick the other guy in the balls first—and then look at our fuck- Still, the writing of the ad intrigues Can it be that the only descriptors you’re left with are age ing society and weep. Do we even have a ritual? Only I don’t me. Just how can you sum and hair colour? If you’re particularly honest you might put think I know it, or at least I don’t know the male role. Should up all the good things about something related to your weight, but doesn’t everyone in we stand still and wait for a girl to come over and choose us? you in a few words? Then the world hear alarm bells on ‘cuddly’? It seems like your only That ain’t working. Women just won’t do that—I’ve had girls you realise that the trouble chance to assert your personality is your taste in music. A say things to me like, ‘you know, I had a real crush on you isn’t fitting it all in, it’s disaster waiting to happen. I refuse to believe that you can last year.’ What the fuck is that? Why didn’t you come over coming up with anything pigeonhole musical taste. I wanted to put ‘indie kid,’ but then and say ‘hi’ then? Grab me when I go to the bar or something. at all—or rather, when the mood takes me, I’ll listen to Aphex Twin or John lee Go caveman—twat me over the back of the head and take me coming up with Hooker. I might play Marilyn Manson or Marvin Gaye. I will home with you. I won’t fight. something cool rush to point out that I won’t play Westlife or Robbie bastard So are the Lonely Hearts the last honest way of finding that’ll instantly attract Williams, but surely I am not a pure indie kid. love? Maybe desperation is really starting to kick in, but I’m beautiful women and Women, I’ve noticed, tend to go with one of two styles: starting to believe it. Maybe there is someone out there who’s compel them to reply. strappy, thereby revealing flesh, or tight, to hint at the delec- right for me, but I know I won’t get a look in ‘till she decides to Let me give you an table curves beneath. Strange that those are the only options leave behind the full-size Ken dolls that she’s no doubt throw- example: I write for when they have such a wide variety of clothing options that ing herself at and come looking for a guy with a personality. Seren. That counts at the [male] mind boggles. Still, it’s an entire spectrum of fash- In the meantime... genuine M, 22, 5’9”, writer/musician, least as a hobby, but ion when compared to what men are wearing. ‘indie’ kid, GSOH, seeks enlightened girl for love and friend- Isn’t it just fucking sickening? there’s no way that The one thing I am not is a lager-drinking, Ben Sherman ship. Email [email protected]. 20 SEREN February 2001 LLOYD BUILDING THEATRE [email protected] Student drama under threat Plan to demolish Bangor’s only studio theatre

angor’s dramatic societies John Phillips Hall are hindered Bface an uncertain future fol- by the hall’s limited availabil- lowing confirmation from the ity, as it is also in demand Psychology Department that for examinations, concerts and it intends to demolish the drama classes. Lloyd Building Theatre to create The Theatr Gwynedd, mean- office space. while, presents its own obsta- Though the theatre is owned cle: “As a member of SODA,” by Psychology, it is in constant comments SU LGB Officer Chris use by societies such as BEDS, Beadsmoore, “I know that to Rostra and SODA. Its relatively perform in the Theatr Gwyn- small size and availability to edd a society would need at students make it the perfect least £3,500 in capital. This is venue for the low-budget pro- hardly viable for most student ductions that are the lifeblood dramatic groups.” of student drama. It is clear that the loss of the If it is demolished, Bangor Lloyd Building Theatre would FINAL CURTAIN? Rostra’s recent production of Pravda is just one show that could never have been will lose its only studio thea- be a disaster for student drama performed without the Lloyd Building Theatre. tre. Thespians will be left with in Bangor—and that we would the John Phillips Hall and the all lose out. One has only to Theatr Gwynedd—both totally observe the quality and popu- we now enjoy. unsuited to the typical student larity of recent performances in But if we don’t want to lose it show. the theatre to recognise that it we must make ourselves heard. STUDENT REACTIONS “It’s simply not practical for is a unique asset, and that stu- If you want the Psychol- us to use a venue such as the dent drama enriches the lives ogy Department to recon- John Phillips Hall,” confirms of far more than just those who sider, sign the letter below “The theatre is absolutely vital to student BEDS Chairman Angie Cran- put on the plays. and deliver it to Seren. We field, explaining that the sheer We must remember that the will pass your letters on to the drama in Bangor.” size of the venue (over three theatre does not belong to the relevant authorities. Julie Neild Rostra Chairman times that of the Lloyd Building societies, and it is only the If, on the other hand, you Theatre) would dwarf her rel- past kindness of the Psychology are happy to see student drama atively small troupe of actors. Department that has made pos- left without a home in Bangor, “This conversion would cast major Even major productions in the sible the student drama scene simply sit back and wait. uncertainty over future productions.” Angie CranfieldBEDS Chairman

I believe the loss of the Lloyd Building Theatre “Losing Lloyd would severely hamper any would be a disaster for students and I urge the kind of amateur dramatics.” Psychology Department to reconsider plans for Chris Beadsmoore SODA, SU LGB Officer its conversion. “Without the theatre students would be deprived of the cultural experience that is an integral part of attending University.” Signed ______Will Kelly SU Communications, Clubs & Societies Course and Year ______