t’s a fall afternoon at Pease Park in West Austin. Kids play. Parents hover near concrete with 2.3 million by single fathers, according to the latest statistics from the US Census Bu- picnic tables piled with food. Pet dogs scrounge for scraps. reau. But while the number of single mothers has remained nearly constant over the past de- An Austin support group, Single Parent Resource Network, has gathered for a cade, single fathers have become one of the nation’s fastest-growing demographics—increas- monthly potluck and clothing swap. ing forty-fi ve percent during the past ten years. If this gathering were representative of the nation’s households headed by single This trend comes at a time when the important role fathers play is coming into sharper fo- parents,/ the proportion of men to women would be about right. cus. For example, recent studies conclude that the chances of a young male getting involved On this Sunday, two of the approximately ten single parents are men. Ask these single fa- in criminal behavior triples if he is raised without a father; fatherless children are twice as thers the biggest challenges they face and you get similar answers: balancing work and family likely to drop out of school; and children raised in single-parent households are more likely to life, having enough quality time with their children and lack of support. become unwed parents as teens. “Isolation is a big problem,” says Tom Madison, an Austin fi refi ghter and father of two. In fact, fatherlessness is the most powerful predictor of these and other major social prob- “Isolation and just making it work.” lems, says Ron Klinger, a family psychologist and founder of the Center for Successful Fa- Nationwide, more fathers are trying to make single-parent families work. As court custody thering, an Austin-based nonprofi t that offers fathering programs through schools and trains judgments and societal attitudes about men and children change, increasing numbers of single facilitators trying to involve fathers in children’s lives. fathers are serving either as their children’s primary caregivers or as equal parenting partners. As you might suspect, single men who stick around to father their kids are a mighty di- To be sure, single mothers still far outnumber single fathers, by a nearly fi ve-to-one ra- verse group. While many parent single-handedly, others co-parent with the mother. Some tio. In 2003, more than 10.1 million US homes were maintained by single mothers, compared have never been married. Others adopted children. Some bristle at the popular image of dead- FFatherather FFiguresigures A New Generation of Single Dads Juggle Priorities to Care for Their Children by Charles Boisseau PHOTO BY BARTON WILDER CUSTOM IMAGES WILDER CUSTOM BARTON BY PHOTO Dylan Quinn and son Kailen. THE GOOD LIFE ■ WWW.GOODLIFEMAG.COM ■ JANUARY 2006 39 beat dads, the one that says dads are uncar- reins, somebody to hold him accountable,” ing and gone. Having assumed greater roles, Schermes says. these single dads are busy searching for day He can count on his dad to do that. care, trying to instill discipline, and provid- ing love and emotional support. Dad with two adopted kids To think, single fathers now are singing a Steve Terrell is fathering two adopted refrain very much like the one female solo- sons: Luke, six, and John Michael, three. ists have sung for years. That’s because they Terrell, fi fty, a psychotherapist, adopted face many of the issues that single mothers the boys separately through the state’s Child have faced for a long time. Protective Services, a division of the Tex- But while the story of single mothers is as Department of Family and Protective Ser- well known, the story of the single dad is less vices. Both boys had suffered abuse and ne- so. Just how well are single fathers coping? glect. They don’t remember their biological Below are a handful of their stories. parents. The only parent they know is Ter- rell, a towering man with a burr haircut and a Thrust into a new full-time job quick smile. In November 2002, Bill Schermes’ ex- His biggest challenge? Lack of time. On wife called from St. Louis to tell him to pick this Saturday morning, the trio is at a driving up their youngest. She couldn’t deal with range in East Austin where Luke takes part in him anymore. a junior golf school. Afterwards, Terrell and Schermes immediately drove to retrieve the boys pile in their Ford Expedition for the Christopher, now sixteen. (Schermes also has next stop: Kids Space, a drop-in childcare a daughter, now nineteen, attending a college center in Round Rock. Then, Terrell rushes in St. Louis.) “He wasn’t doing any school to a conference downtown, where he is one work and his grades were in the toilet,” he of the scheduled speakers. says. “He just needed some male infl uence, I Sticking to a schedule helps maintain suppose.” sanity, Terrell says. On a typical weekday, At the time, Schermes, who had moved Terrell picks them up at daycare, returns to Austin in the years following his divorce home by 5:30pm, prepares dinner, bathes the in 1997, was bunking at a friend’s house. boys and reads them a story. Bedtime is 8pm. Within about ten days, he leased a house, That is also when Terrell snatches some time pulled furniture out of storage and enrolled for himself. “That’s when I watch Desperate Christopher in school. A remodeling contrac- Housewives.” tor, Schermes gave up a side job as a human Despite the hectic schedule, Terrell re- development workshop teacher because it re- tains a sense of humor. “Bye daddy,” Luke quired too much travel. says as he marches up a hill with another Early on, Schermes found himself getting boy. “Be careful on the highway,” Terrell re- impatient, raising his voice and complaining sponds. In addition to golf, Terrell says they about Christopher’s lack of help with house- like to ride bikes, swim in their backyard hold chores. Christopher was angry about pool and build forts “with anything they can being uprooted from his social life in mid- fi nd.” school year. “I saw him suffering and there Terrell says being a father requires him was nothing I could do for him,” Schermes to be a better man. He recently converted to says. “I stayed real close to home.” Catholicism, seeking to build a solid spiri- Over time, the pair adjusted. One eve- tual foundation for his boys, as well as him- PHOTO BY BARTON WILDER CUSTOM IMAGES WILDER CUSTOM BARTON BY PHOTO ning, Christopher asked if a new friend could Bill Schermes and son Christopher. self. He and Luke were both baptized in spend the night. “You can have him move 2005. “Every day, they make me a better per- in!” Schermes said, recalling with a laugh. “I cannabinol), as well as other illegal drugs, he ever, especially teenagers and teenage boys, son because they are such a mirror of behav- was so happy he had a friend.” can drive again. “It’s his problem. It’s not my is really lonely and diffi cult,” Diamond said ior,” Terrell says. “They are the most impor- Since then, Schermes has emerged as problem,” Schermes says. “If he’s doing it, in an e-mail. “Bill does a great job. Christo- tant things in my life.” a father with a matter-of-fact manner. He he’s got to deal with it.” pher knows that Bill loves him and is com- sets clear boundaries and consistently ap- Rick Diamond, pastor of Journey, a non- mitted to him. He knows that Bill will be Déjà vu for dad plies consequences if his son violates them. denominational church that meets at Aus- vulnerable and honest with him, which is At an outdoor gathering of single parents, For example, drug tests have become a regu- tin’s Northwest YMCA, says Schermes—as huge for any parent to do, much less a sin- Dylan Quinn, a thirty-one-year-old computer lar practice after an incident a year ago when well as other single dads he knows—are do- gle parent.” technician, is sharing a story about his son’s Christopher smoked pot. Recently, Christo- ing lonely work. They play all the parent- Overall, Schermes says Christopher is pet cat, Gypsy, with a young mother whose pher was grounded and lost his driving priv- ing roles alone: nurturer, disciplinarian, en- doing well. He raised his grades to nearly a studded tongue fl ashes as she speaks. Near- ileges for violating house rules and smoking courager and household manager. Schermes B average. He played defensive back for Mc- by, his three-year-old son, Kailen, wears a marijuana. also plays guitar on Sundays at Diamond’s Neil High’s football team this past year. Spiderman costume, sips from a juice pouch How can he get his car keys back? He church. “He’s a typical teenager. He’s got a lot of and studies a friendly dog sitting in the dirt. has to volunteer to take another drug test; if “Disciplining one’s children and having mischief in his blood, but he’s got a decent Quinn says he had no support to lean the results are negative for THC (tetrahydro- them respond angrily or defensively or what- attitude. He just needs somebody to hold the on after his ex-wife moved out a year af- Kim Soo Martial Arts is pleased to announce the arrival of Body Vida

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40 THE GOOD LIFE ■ WWW.GOODLIFEMAG.COM ■ JANUARY 2006 ter giving birth. Having grown up in a fami- panel screens hung side-by-side. Quinn is ly split by divorce, Quinn says he was heart- shown on one screen, his ex-wife on the oth- broken, mostly for his son. Quinn was about er. While the fi lmmaker interviews the par- the same age as Kailen when his parents di- Single Father and Parent Resources ents, Kailen shuttles back and forth. A voice vorced. With no extended family in the area is heard: “We still fi ght, we do. It’s a give- to turn to, Quinn sought alternatives. He Austin Stay at Home Dads—This group of dads organizes play dates, a and-take with that, too.” soon discovered the Single Parent Resource weekly hike on Town Lake and a “daddies night out.” For more information or Network, a group that connects parents with to join the on-line discussion group, visit http://austin-sahds.tripod.com. Remarried father other single parents, playmates and resources The Center for Successful Fathering—This Austin-based nonprofi t orga- Tom Madison, an Austin fi refi ghter and such as daycare providers. nization founded by family psychologist Ron Klinger offers fathering programs father of two, talks about his successful legal In time, Quinn concluded that staying in scrape to keep his daughter from moving to through schools and trains facilitators trying to involve fathers in children’s the contentious relationship would have been Dallas with her mother, to whom he was nev- lives. For more information, call 1-800-537-0853 or er married. visit www.fathering.org. Click on Resources to down- As he speaks, his fi ve-year-old daughter, load “The Impact of Absent Fathers,” which cites the Adrianna, her smiling face painted, runs up, studies referred to in the accompanying story, other re- asks a question and dashes off again. sources, and useful links. Madison credits the Austin-based Men Central Texas Fatherhood Initiative—This is a and Fathers Resource Center with provid- Waco-based nonprofi t organization that motivates and ing the legal services he needed to protect his trains fathers to take an active role in their children’s parental rights. Counselors at the nonprof- lives. Programs include boot camp for new and ex- it group, one of the nation’s oldest fathers’ pectant dads, father-daughter tea and ball, and mentor- rights organizations, helped him block his ing for middle-school kids. Most of the programs are ex-girlfriend’s attempt to relocate with their in Waco and Temple. For more information call Steven daughter. Durand, executive director, at 254-235-9666, or toll- “Every man getting a divorce needs to free at 866-260-DADS. Or e-mail info@centraltexasfa call them,” Madison says of the organiza- therhood.org or visit www.centraltexasfatherhood.org. tion, which provides family crisis counsel- Cooperative Parenting Program—This Travis ing, DNA paternity testing and legal consul- County program provides a nine-hour series of six par- tations. Madison also has a ten-year-old son, enting classes that focus on the needs of children and Caleb, who lives most of the time in his na- parents in the aftermath of separation or divorce. The tive Kentucky with his ex-wife. cost is $60. Classes are held at the Travis County’s Hugh Nations, former executive direc- Domestic Relations Offi ce, 1010 Lavaca St. in Austin. tor of the center, says there is a general lack of legal and other support for fathers com- For more information and a schedule of classes, vis- pared with what is available for mothers. it www.co.travis.tx.us/dro/parenting_class.asp or call “The real story about stay-at-home or 512-854-9696. custodial fathers is not what resources are The Dad Show—This radio talk show airs 6pm- available for them, but the tragic paucity 7pm each Tuesday on community radio station KAZI- of support we give such parents,” Nations FM 88.7. The show also appears on public access TV says. “It is truly a blot on our community.” and is streamed live over the web at www.dadsshow. For his part, Madison says many of the com. Many of the callers are women commenting on challenges he faced as a single dad have dis- either the fathers of their children or their own fathers, solved since he remarried in mid-2005. His said James Strickland, executive producer. Hence the wife, Natasha Madison, is a tremendous help. show’s motto: “Talk radio for dads and anybody who Natasha says she married Madison part- ever had a dad.” The public is welcome in the studio ly because he is such a good father. She un- at Child Inc., a Head Start program that produces the derstands that his kids are the priority. “Quite show in its offi ces at 818 E. Fifty-Third St. in Austin. frankly, I come in second, which is cool with For more information e-mail [email protected]. me,” she says. “Him being a father was part The Dad Zone—This is a twelve-week program, of the reason I fell in love with him.” based on curriculum from the National Fatherhood Ini-

PHOTO COURTESY OF ANTHONY GOMEZ COURTESY PHOTO tiative, that meets in San Marcos for discussion, role- Single dad, never married Anthony Gomez and daughter Isabella. playing and other activities. It was launched by Rod Anthony Gomez, thirty-three, is talk- Rodriguez, a child advocate and single father with an ing on his cell phone as he drives back from worse for his son. They fi nalized the divorce adopted thirteen-year-old son. For details, call Rodriguez at 512-393-9369 or e- Brenham after picking up Isabella, his six- early in 2005. mail [email protected]. teen-month-old daughter. She is sleep- Their divorce decree pronounces each ing in her car seat. His ex-girlfriend, Isabel- Mens and Fathers Resource Center—This is a nonprofi t Austin-based um- parent “joint managing conservators,” in- la’s mom, lives in Conroe, north of Houston. brella organization that provides free and low-cost family law services for fa- creasingly the common custody arrange- Once a week, the couple meet about halfway ment in Texas. This provides mom and dad thers, inexpensive DNA testing, support groups, training and other services. for the handoff. with equal rights to make important deci- Members pay $100 fee for the fi rst year, then a yearly renewal fee of $25. It’s Gomez said they considered getting mar- sions, not necessarily to divide possession located at 807 Brazos St., Suite 315, in Austin. For more information, call 512- ried after his ex-girlfriend became pregnant. of the child fi fty-fi fty. Even so, these parents 472-3237, e-mail [email protected] or visit www.fathers.org. But after the relationship stalled, they decid- have tried to divide things down the middle. Single Parent Discussion Group—This informal group meets 6:30pm-8pm ed to continue as committed single parents. They came up with a visitation schedule that every other Wednesday for camaraderie and discussion. Child care is $4. Meet- Last summer, they fi nalized a child support provides roughly equal time with their son. ings are held at on the Dell Jewish Community Campus at 7300 Hart Lane in agreement that stipulates that Gomez pays Neither pays child support. Quinn, who has Austin. For meeting dates, call the Jewish Community Association of Austin at monthly support and carries Isabella’s health full health benefi ts at Apple Computer Inc., 512-250-1043. insurance. They also have an informal agree- maintains the boy’s health insurance. The de- Single Parent Resource Network—This nonprofi t organization provides ment to equally split visitation and time car- cree prohibits either parent from taking Kai- activities for single-parent families, including babysitting cooperatives, clothing ing for Isabella. len if one moves from Austin. swaps, potlucks and social events. Meets twice a month: The second Sunday at Gomez is thrilled to have generous access Of course, not every issue can be re- 1pm at Ruta Maya Coffeehouse, 3601 South Congress Ave. and the last Sunday to his daughter. All his male friends who are solved with a legal agreement. For example, at noon at Pease Park for potluck, playgroup and clothing swap. SPRN moms divorced have limited visitation rights with the parents had a spat over a joint birthday are also involved in the production and programming of the Radical Mothers’ their children, usually every other week- party they were trying to plan for Kailen. In Voice, a weekly radio show airing 4pm-5pm every Wednesday on KOOP-FM end and a weekday night. “I call it ‘the stan- the end, after a sharp e-mail exchange, they 91.7. You can also tune in on-line at www.koop.org. For more information, call dard,’” he says. decided on separate parties. SPRN director Sarah Fusco at 512-694-5272, e-mail [email protected] or Gomez says initially he put a lot of pres- Their dual worlds were on display last visit www.sprn.org. sure on himself to do it all for his daughter. fall. The parents appeared in a fi ve-minute He soon learned just because he is a single video exhibit at the Austin Museum of Art, dad doesn’t mean he has to do it alone. “I’m —Charles Boisseau the work of Austin fi lmmaker Karen Skloss, not Mr. Mom. I’m a dad. I put that pressure who explored co-parenting using two fl at- on myself…to try to do everything.”

THE GOOD LIFE ■ WWW.GOODLIFEMAG.COM ■ JANUARY 2006 41 Their families help immensely, he says. more than a month, leaving another void. A paralegal, Gomez lives in a South Aus- Brandon and his grandfather “were very tin apartment with one of his sisters. His dad close. It’s been tough on him,” says Dyal, lives nearby. His mom, who lives in Lock- who has a few friends with children that he hart, oftentimes cares for “Bella” when Go- hangs out with. But he rarely dates. Brandon mez works. has a few close friends. Most of the time, it’s He and Bella’s mom usually are quick to just father and son. They like to paddle kay- solve problems and discuss Bella’s welfare aks, ride motor bikes and, most recently, vol- and issues such as her teething or a change unteer for the Austin Steam Train Associ- in diet. Gomez says he eventually plans to ation. move to the Houston area, where he and her “You have to be a parent, and you have mom have agreed Bella will go to school. to be a friend,” Dyal says. “We seem to cov- “I know in time I’ll have to move there. er them both.” I can’t be away from Bella that much. I have Dyal says he knows the day is not far to be there, and will be there,” he says. off when hanging out with dad won’t be so cool anymore. All the same, he can’t imag- Dad left to care for son ine it any other way. “We have a family. It’s Jimmy Dyal is one proud papa. Dyal a small family, but it’s a family,” he says. is talking about his son Brandon, age elev- Their little group also includes “Lucky,” en, who has begun playing the trombone in Brandon’s Chihuahua, which sleeps with his middle school band. Brandon also has him at night. Brandon came up with the achieved an orange belt in karate, earns high name for the dog. marks in advanced placement classes and “I think he’s got the right name,” Dyal serves as an acolyte at their local Lutheran says. g church. “He loves animals and people. If some- An Austin writer, Boisseau shared cus- body has a problem, he worries about him,” tody of his daughter, Katharine, now twen- says Dyal, a software engineer who lives in ty-two, after his 1989 divorce. He is hap- Bastrop. py to report they survived the experience, in- Dyal sometimes worries about Brandon. cluding the teenage years. Contact him at When Brandon was three his mother left. She [email protected]. turned to alcohol and drugs and unfaithful- ness, Dyal says. In the years since, they have quietly gone through some counseling. But the void remains. “He misses a woman in his life,” Dyal says of Brandon. “That is a hard one to talk through. He wants to know where did she go and he has questions that I can’t

answer.” CHARLES BY BOISSEAU PHOTO In November, Dyal’s seventy-fi ve-year- Steve Terrell and sons Luke, six, and John Michael, three. old father died after being hospitalized for

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42 THE GOOD LIFE ■ WWW.GOODLIFEMAG.COM ■ JANUARY 2006