FUTURAMA SPEC “Home on the Pain” By Eric Toms

TEASER Superimpose: - Now made from people! OPENING CREDITS CUT TO:

ACT I

INT. NIMBUS SPACESHIP - ZAPP BRANNIGAN’S QUARTERS KIF chisels a sculpture of ZAPP holding his laser gun aloft, and straddling a two headed tiger. ZAPP (O.S.) Hurry Kif! This statue has to be ready for my commodation gala. KIF All done, sir. Zapp, holding a CHICKEN WING and straddling a chest of drawers, sharply exhales causing his belly to pop back out. ZAPP That is as sexy as it is accurate; why this belongs in... an... art... thingy. KIF A museum, sir? ZAPP No time, Kif. I’ve just come up with an amazing idea. I must send this monolith to my love, Turanga . We will no doubt celebrate by staring at it while we make uncompromising love. KIF But what about the gala, sir? 2.

ZAPP Easy. You’ll make another statue. Hmm, we’d better get more chicken wings. Zapp presses an intercom button. ZAPP (CONT’D) Bridge, this is your Captain. Prepare to send one sexy statue to Planet Express. Maximum affection! CUT TO:

EXT. NIMBUS SPACESHIP - CONTINUOUS The Nimbus fires a the statue out towards Earth. CUT TO:

EXT. PLANET EXPRESS - CONTINUOUS The statue hits Planet Express, sending it right through the roof. The roof buckles and then caves in on itself, reducing it to rubble! CUT TO:

INT. NIMBUS SPACESHIP - CONTINUOUS CADET (over intercom) Um, sir? Zapp is now naked on a bear skin rug with a bucket of chicken wings. ZAPP Not now, Cadet! I’m making art! Kif, make another statue of me appreciating art. Kif sighs and begins pulling a BLOCK OF GRANITE out of a supply closet. CUT TO: 3.

EXT. NEW NEW YORK STREET - DAY FRY, LEELA, , , , AMY and HERMES walk together, admiring their nails. LEELA Well I’d say that was a successful manicure outing. AMY Yeah, Leela. I can’t believe they were able to shape your nails to fit your sausage fingers. Leela scowls. FRY What’s the name of the free juice they give you in those bowls? LEELA Rubbing alcohol. BENDER I call it delicious! Bender burps a flame. They all stop in their tracks and catch their breath at the sight of the destroyed Planet Express! BENDER (CONT’D) Oh my God! Family Brothers Pizza is open for lunch now! Bender notices Planet Express is now a pile of rubble. BENDER (CONT’D) Oh, and also - WWWWHHHHAAAA?! PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH Oh my. Well Scruffy, you’d better clean this up. SCRUFFY, mostly trapped under a pile of rubble, looks up. SCRUFFY I’m on break. AMY I’m so sorry, Professor. 4.

LEELA I’m sure insurance will cover most of it. HERMES (looking to Bender) Well, we may have invested that money elsewhere. BENDER Funny related story: you really need a trustworthy refrigerator when selling human organs. PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH (crying) Oh, I’m ruined! Bad news everyone. Due to some unforeseen blowing up you’re all now unemployed. Everyone gasps! FRY Oh wow. What are we gonna do? AMY (crying) I’m gonna have to move back in with my parents! A limousine pulls up and the DRIVER gets out and opens the door. DRIVER Miss Wong. AMY (crying louder) Thank you, Charles. The limousine pulls away. PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH I’ve contributed to society my entire life, there’s no doubt that young people will care for me in my winter years. Everyone shuffles uncomfortably. HERMES Maybe this will give me a chance to spend more time with my family. 5.

DWIGHT CONRAD approaches. DWIGHT Hey dad, you know how you can set fire to cars? HERMES Sweet come-down of Lionel Town, this is going to be hell! FRY What are you gonna do, Leela? LEELA I don’t know. I’ve worked at Planet Express for so long. I guess I can fall back on my liberal arts degree. FRY You’ll do fine. You’re the smartest person I know. LEELA Aww, that’s sweet. FRY (hesitant) Well, I guess I’ll see you later. LEELA Yeah. Bye. Fry and Bender walk away, occasionally looking back to Leela. DR. ZOIDBERG Well friends, at least we have each other -- He notices that everyone has left him alone. DR. ZOIDBERG (CONT’D) Oh. CUT TO:

EXT. NEW NEW YORK STREET - MOMENTS LATER Bender and Fry walk together. FRY Thanks for sticking with me, Bender. 6.

BENDER Through thick and thin. Unless it gets hard, then I’m out. FRY Don’t worry about that. There’s always one job I know I can get. CUT TO:

INT. ORIGINAL COSMIC RAY’S PIZZA - LATER ROBOT CHEF holds up Fry’s RESUME, written in crayon. ROBOT CHEF Gee, sorry kid, but my current delivery by is a concentrated ray of light. (yells) Pick up! A BALL OF LIGHT wearing a baseball cap zips in and picks up the PIZZA BOX, disappears, and reappears. ROBOT CHEF (CONT’D) So unless you can travel faster than one hundred and eighty six thousand miles per second-- FRY Thanks anyway. Fry and Bender head towards the door. Bender knocks the hat off the head of the ray of light. Bender laughs. CUT TO:

EXT. UNDER A BRIDGE - NIGHT Bender and Fry shiver in the cold. The thunder crashes and the two shriek a bit. FRY Who knew living under a bridge wouldn’t be as glamorous as troll books made it out to be? BENDER I know! I can’t imagine anything worse than spending a night under here. Well, see you in the morning. 7.

Bender’s head and limbs retract into his chest cavity, leaving Fry alone and cold. FADE OUT.

COMMERCIAL BREAK FADE IN:

ACT II

INT. UNDER A BRIDGE - MORNING Fry wakes to owls pecking his eyes. FRY Ow! Get outta here, angry birds! (holding stomach) So hungry. Fry catches his breath as he sees a FOOD BAR laying in the dirt! He scrambles for it, but a squirrel pounces on it. They square off, and Fry wrestles it away. FRY (CONT’D) Ha-ha! (reading the label) Aww, gluten free. He drops the FOOD BAR on the ground and approaches Bender who is smoking a cigar with his feet up on a rock. FRY (CONT’D) This is no way for us to live! BENDER I’m good with it. FRY I miss Planet Express, and Leela, and dry underwear. We have to find out what happened to Planet Express. Come Bender, the game’s aloof! CUT TO: 8.

EXT. PLANET EXPRESS - DAY Fry, wearing two baseball caps both backwards and forwards, inspects the rubble. FRY Till I find more evidence I’m gonna rule out Loch Ness. Hey, there is a pile of white rubble. Bender, do you think you can reassemble them? BENDER I dunno... Bender reassembles the pieces of white rubble. BENDER (CONT’D) ... can I? Fry catches his breath as we see the white rubble makes a statue of Zapp Brannigan. FRY Zapp Brannigan?! BENDER Neat. Bender takes a picture with his camera. A young boy holding a newspaper happens by. YOUNG BOY Extra! Extra! Read all about it: Convenient gala for Zapp Brannigan tonight! Extra! Extra! Fry grabs a copy of the Deus Ex Machina Times. FRY We gotta get into that gala. BENDER And I have just the plan. CUT TO:

EXT. MILITARY GALA - NIGHT Bender and Fry hum as they walk in the back door. CUT TO: 9.

EXT. MILITARY GALA - HALLWAY Bender and Fry turn a corner and see SECURITY GUARD SAL. FRY Oh! Um, we’re just here to deliver this, um, gum wrapper. Fry holds a wadded up GUM WRAPPER. SECURITY GUARD SAL I’m sorrys, I was so busy not carings that I didn’t hear yous. Security Guard Sal walks away. CUT TO:

INT. MILITARY GALA - MAIN BALLROOM The band plays while GLAB approaches the podium next to Zapp’s statue. GLAB On behalf of DOOP, we would like to thank Zapp Brannigan for his tireless efforts in destroying the Kitten Planet in the Defenseless sector. CUT TO:

INT. MILITARY GALA - BACKSTAGE Zapp stands in full military dress. ZAPP We knew we had them when we deployed our yarn grenades. FRY Pssst! Zapp! ZAPP Ah, Fry. Are you here to take notes on how to be a man? Or would you just prefer a copy of my book? Zapp holds up a book titled: Think Less - The Man’s Way! 10.

FRY I know what you did to Planet Express, and we have the proof to prove it! Fry shows Zapp the STATUE PICTURE. ZAPP That is some sexy evidence, but you know what they say: when you make an omelet sometimes people die. FRY I demand you rebuild Planet Express, or else! BENDER Yeah! And replace all of the gold Krugerrands I had in the bottom of my locker that only I knew about! Zapp grabs Fry by the collar. ZAPP Listen here, pal-- Bender flips a switch on the side of his torso labeled: Microphone. Zapp’s voice starts amplifying throughout the crowd. ZAPP (CONT’D) I don’t even know what the word “threat” means, but I do know that when I blow up a balloon, a peaceful planet, or even your Planet Express I do not rebuild-- GLAB Brannigan?! You blew up a civilian building?! ZAPP Well, I, um-- (whispered to Fry) Help me out here! Fry whispers in Zapp’s ear. ZAPP (CONT’D) It was all apart of our “Rebuild New New York” program-- The crowd applauds! 11.

Fry whispers again. ZAPP (CONT’D) --And I’m a pretty wittle girl who wuves his new dolly. (whispered to Fry) Thanks, bud. CUT TO:

EXT. PLANET EXPRESS - DAY CONSTRUCTION WORKERS are rebuilding Planet Express, as Fry and Bender high-five. FRY Now we have to go tell the rest of the gang. BENDER Yeah, let’s go get those jerks! CUT TO:

EXT. HOPELESS RETIREMENT HOME - DAY A sign reads: Hopeless Retirement Home. Below it a sign blinks NO VACANCY - NO VACANCY - VACANCY! CUT TO:

INT. HOPELESS RETIREMENT HOME - CONTINUOUS Entering a large room filled with elderly people, Fry and Bender approach Professor Farnsworth. FRY Good news everyone, er, Professor, Planet Express is being rebuilt. PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH Professor? You must be confused. I’m Lalliana, the moon dancer! Professor Farnsworth starts dancing. ORDERLY pops into frame. 12.

ORDERLY For the last time: I don’t care how crazy you act, I’m not gonna give you any more drugs! Professor Farnsworth immediately stops dancing and starts for the exit. PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH Let’s blow this place. CUT TO:

EXT. HEREMS CONRAD’S HOME - NIGHT Bender, Fry and the Professor ring the doorbell, and a placid Hermes opens the door wearing an apron. PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH Hermes! Planet Express is back on line and we need you because none of us know how to launder our money. BENDER Speak for yourself, old man! HERMES Sorry friends, I’m enjoying myself too much here at my home. Hermes lifts up the apron, and written on the underside is: GET ME OUT OF THIS GODLESS HELLSCAPE!! Bender grabs Hermes and they all run away! LABARBARA comes to the door. LABARBRA Husband! Where is our dinner, and don’t think you can get away with another night of manwitches. She stops at the empty door way and notices a note on the door. It reads: GONE BACK TO WORK. DINNER BURNT. CUT TO: 13.

EXT. WONG FARM - NIGHT Fry, Bender, the Professor and Hermes stand on the doorstep. When the door opens they all catch their breath, as a very pregnant Amy answers the door. AMY I know. My mom said if I wanted to move back in I had to give her grandbabies. INEZ WONG (O.C.) And you’re lazy enough to have one at a time! AMY (in Cantonese) I hope my baby eats you! PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH We were here to ask you back to Planet Express, but under the circumstances-- AMY Really?! Amy lifts up her shirt and takes out the BEACH BALL that was underneath. AMY (CONT’D) I’m leaving the baby on the porch! They all run away. INEZ WONG races to the doorway and sees the BEACH BALL laying on the floor. INEZ WONG Eh, good enough. She picks up the ball and cradles it. CUT TO:

INT. LEELA’S APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY Fry, Bender, the Professor, Hermes, and Amy walk towards Leela’s apartment door. FRY Now we’ll just get Leela, and everything will be back to normal. 14.

Fry knocks, and Leela answers the door, dressed in a very formal uniform. Everyone Oooo’s and Awe’s. FRY (CONT’D) Ahh, you dressed up for us. AMY Planet Express is back, isn’t that great?! LEELA That is great guys, but I have a new job. I’m a pilot for Mom’s moving company. It’s a lot like Planet Express, but the checks don’t bounce and the health care isn’t a box of expired aspirin. PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH But you must come back. You’re what keeps me going. (whispering to Hermes) I steal her blood when she naps. FRY Come on Leel’s, that’s just some stupid job, we’re a whole stupid company! LEELA That’s just it, Fry. My time at Planet Express was a lot of fun, but I wasn’t working towards anything. I was just spinning my hadron accelerator. Now I have a chance for a real career. FRY So wait, that means-- LEELA I won’t be coming back to Planet Express. Everyone gasps. FADE OUT.

COMMERCIAL BREAK FADE IN: 15.

ACT III

INT. PLANET EXPRESS - DAY Everyone sits around a table, depressed. The door opens and Dr. Zoidberg rushes in. DR. ZOIDBERG Friends! I was fighting a rat over another smaller rat and I saw our building was rebuilt! Hooray! HERMES Can’t you see we’re all sad and no one wants you here, you pink taco faced monster?! DR. ZOIDBERG Ahh, home. Dr. Zoidberg sits at the table. FRY I can’t believe that Leela chose working for Mom’s delivery company over us. What do they have that Planet Express doesn’t? PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH A business plan. AMY Running water. HERMES Asbestos-free food. FRY Probably, but I don’t care. Leela belongs here and I’m gonna do my basic job as a man, and point out where she is mistaken. PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH Fry, maybe Leela is right. We could be holding her back, though I can’t imagine how? Now then, who wants to change my adult underwear? Everyone backs away from the table except Zoidberg, who smiles. 16.

PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH (CONT’D) Never mind. I’ll let it stew. CUT TO:

EXT. MOM’S DELIVERY COMPANY - DAY As he walks in the front door, Fry is in awe of the grandeur of this massive building. CUT TO:

INT. MOM’S DELIVERY COMPANY - CONTINUOUS Fry approaches the front DESK WOMAN. A plaque on the desk says: REMEMBER, WE DON’T NEED YOU. DESK WOMAN Hello sir, please enter your credit card number. FRY I’m not here to buy-- DESK WOMAN Please enter your credit card number, or if you’d like to have a seat in our waiting room it’s right through there. She points to an open elevator shaft. FRY I’m just here to see my friend Leela. DESK WOMAN I’m sorry sir, but there is no one here by that name. FRY (catching his breath) Was she fired? WooHoo! Between you and me, was it the sweaty boot rash? DESK WOMAN Unless of course you mean Commander Leela? CUT TO: 17.

INT. MOM’S DELIVERY COMPANY - DAY FRY -- and the Professor is sad, and Amy is sad, and Bender... is sad. (off Leela’s look) Well, he was yelling that if anyone touched his stuff he was gonna kill everyone, but I read between the lines. LEELA It is very sweet of you to come down here, but I’m really happy. That and you should call ahead of time, the security here is pretty strict. We see Fry is naked and bent over a table. Above him is an ARMED GUARD, and behind him is a DOCTOR. The Doctor stands and takes off a glove. DOCTOR Clean as a whistle. LEELA Don’t we have x-ray machines for that? DOCTOR Yes we do. CUT TO:

INT. MOM’S DELIVERY COMPANY - LATER Leela and Fry walk through the hallways. LEELA I started off as a pilot, but when my performance record outshined my boss he was transferred to the Soylent Green division. I never heard from him again, so I took his job. FRY So you got a better job title and you don’t run the risk of being enveloped by owls when you walk in the bathroom, but other than that what does this place have that Planet Express doesn’t have? 18.

LEELA Well, the electro-shock therapy is free, and every Friday night you get half off admission to the Thunderdome-- SFX: Alarm! Red lights flash as and elevator door opens and out steps MOM, flanked by IMPERIAL GUARDS from Star Wars, dressed in red cloaks and helmets. MOM Why, hello deary. I understand that you’re Turanga Leela, and that since taking over you’ve managed to decrease your spending in your department. Cookie? She holds out a tray of COOKIES. LEELA Yes, Mom. The pilots, Rogers and Starbuck, were taking a longer flight paths than were necessary. My guess was they were taking time out to hoot at space-babes, from their space-ship. You know, because they were in space. MOM Interesting. Mom waves her hand to one of the Imperial Guards who writes the names Rogers and Starbuck on a list titled: To Be Transferred to Soylent Green Division. MOM (CONT’D) I think that maybe your talents aren’t being utilized. I’d like to show you something. Mom takes Leela’s arm and they begin to walk away. Leela looks back at Fry who is being flanked by the Imperial Guards. FRY (to Imperial Guards) Just before you two arrived Leela said something about an employee discount and the gift shop-- 19.

The Guards pick Fry up by the collar and throw him down a chute labeled: Garbage Compactor 3263827. CUT TO:

INT. MOM’S DELIVERY COMPANY - LATER Outside a door labeled “The Matrix,” Mom turns to Leela. MOM Now you have to make a decision, Leela. Do you want to walk the path, or go back to sleep. She opens her palms, holding a BLUE PILL, and a RED PILL. Leela hesitates and finally takes the red pill. LEELA Hey, was that just a breath mint? Mom’s dress whirs and spins, revealing Mom’s tight body suit. MOM Yeah, and you could use more than just that. They walk towards Mom’s office. LEELA What was the other pill? MOM Cyanide tablet. Come on inside, Dorothy and feast your eye on Oz. Inside Mom’s office there are teaming with men and women in lab coats conducting experiments and studying monitors. As they walk through the offices they pass one team that tests a laser that turns a cowardly green kitten into a ferocious Battle Cat. Another team makes phone calls under a banner that reads: Mitt Romney election champagne. UNDERLING in a lab coat approaches Mom. UNDERLING Mom, we’ve finally isolated the gay gene. 20.

MOM Excellent. Infuse it into the city’s water supply and buy stock in musical theater. Underling scurries off. Mom turns to Leela. MOM (CONT’D) So what do you think? LEELA I don’t know. This is way more Chaotic Evil than I’m used to. MOM Baby, you don’t know the half of it. I’m looking for someone to cut the fat on my penial enlargement spam division. That thing should be swollen, but instead it’s just lays there. LEELA Gee, it’s a lot to take in-- MOM (handing a piece of paper) Here is your starting salary plus bonuses. Leela’s eye grows wide. LEELA Mom, I’ll work that thing like you wouldn’t believe! MOM Good, don’t let me down! CUT TO:

INT. MOM’S DELIVERY COMPANY - LATER Mom sits at her desk when the door opens and her three sons, WALT, LARRY and IGNER, enter. WALT Mom, it appears that the penial enlargement spam division has reached amazing growth. 21.

MOM Activate the impotence rays in all smart phones, and get Turanga Leela in here at once. SFX: Whooshing Leela flies out of a delivery tube and onto a chair. MOM (CONT’D) The boys tell me that you’ve done some amazing things in penial enlargement spam. LEELA Well once I got a handle on it-- MOM Enough! I’m tapped out on penis puns. The reason your sucking my air is because I think you maybe the one I’ve been looking for - my right hand woman. WALT But Mommy, I thought-- MOM You thought nothing, you waste of an egg! Besides, only a woman is capable of ultimate creation, and destruction. You ever flirt with a guy just to get a free meal? LEELA Maybe we would have of found some common hobbies over dinner -- MOM Save it, honey. I can read you like a Kindle, and if you take this job your enemies will drown on their own jealousy spittle when they see the kind of power and money you have. LEELA I do hate my enemies. (Standing) Let’s do it! 22.

MOM Excellent! First order of business, send this letter of insurance refusal to Planet Express. LEELA Wait, Planet Express Planet Express? MOM They are our competition, and by refusing their insurance I’ll finally put them out of business for good! LEELA I don’t know-- MOM I need to know that you are one hundred percent with me. LEELA No! These are my friends and they may be dumb, and forgetful, and disrespectful, and rude... why are they my friends again? MOM You fool! No one crosses Mom! Guards! The doors open and ENFORCER ROBOTS (from THX 1138) with lasers swarm the area. Leela leaps into the delivery tube! CUT TO:

EXT. MOM’S DELIVERY COMPANY - TRASH HEAP Leela lands in a puddle, surrounded by trash She gets up and starts running as the Enforcer Robots exit the tube after her. She turns down a hallway only to find it’s a dead end! FRY (O.S.) Get’em boys! LEELA Fry? The Enforcer Robots look down as tentacles with eyes appear, then pull them under the surface. Leela runs to Fry, they hug. 23.

LEELA (CONT’D) You came back for me? FRY Of course. You’re my friend. Laser fire! LEELA Let’s get out of here! Leela kicks open a ventilation shaft with a “Hi-Ya!” They climb inside and exit-- CUT TO:

EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS TheY crawl out of the shaft and step on a SLEEPING BUM to climb over a fence. The Enforcer Robots reach the fence. ENFORCER ROBOT #1 The Leela account is six percent over budget. The case is to be terminated. ENFORCER ROBOT #2 Ugh! Mondays; am I right? CUT TO:

INT. PLANET EXPRESS - NIGHT In the lounge Leela and Fry sit on the couch. LEELA That was very sweet of you to come back for me, Fry. FRY AwW, that was nothing. Besides I had to go back for you, because I... I... love-- The door opens and everyone enters. AMY Leela! BENDER HooRay! One eye! 24.

Everyone crowds around Leela. She gives a smile to Fry, who smiles back. PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH Good news everyone! We’ve just been hired to take a rare kind of cheese to the Flatulence Colony in sector Colon. Don’t forget to syphon gas out of the neighbor’s ship before you leave. FRY So... are you glad to be back? Leela kisses Fry on the cheek. LEELA I sure am. I sure am. FADE TO BLACK.