An editorial exorcism The Seven By Deadly Laura Maisano First-Page and Sins Tex Thompson “Midway upon the journey of our life I found myself within a forest dark, For the straightforward pathway had been lost.” -Inferno, Canto I So how do you know when you’ve lost your way? More specifically: how do you know your first pages are the problem? When querying: good responses when you submit query only (no sample pages)

When receiving critique: “too slow”, “cliché”, “doesn’t grab me”, “I got lost” When writing: you were bored with the setup and wanted to get to the good stuff When e-publishing (all or part): lots of page views, very few downloads rejection The Highway to Hell

I. Sins of Sloppiness I. Sins of Sloppiness #1: Carelessness I. Sins of Sloppiness #2: Wordiness I. Sins of Sloppiness #2: Wordiness

Delete distancing words (felt, heard, thought, saw, etc.) I. Sins of Sloppiness #2: Wordiness

Delete easy inferences (things the reader can assume) I. Sins of Sloppiness #2: Wordiness

Delete repeated or redundant nouns and actions I. Sins of Sloppiness #2: Wordiness Rewrite for immediacy, combining actions where possible:

122 words 86 Same story, now 30% leaner! I. Sins of Sloppiness Perdition:

• Words unclear or improperly used

• Spelling and/or grammar errors

• Too many words doing too little

• Story might be good, but prose isn’t polished

You Might Hear…

• “The writing was confusing”

• “I line-edited it” (nothing about the story)

• “There’s not much happening”

• “This needs tightening” I. Sins of Sloppiness Perdition:

• Words unclear or improperly used

• Spelling and/or grammar errors

• Too many words doing too little

• Story might be good, but prose isn’t polished

Redemption:

• Seek correction from other writers

• Catalogue your most frequent mistakes

• Do a ‘trimming’ draft to cut extra words

• Don’t be your only editor! rejection The Highway to Hell

I. Sins of Sloppiness

II. Sins of Excess II. Sins of EXCESS #3: Too Much Description “It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents—except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.”

Result: snoresville. II. Sins of EXCESS #3: Too Much Description Find the key nouns and strongest, most evocative verbs: “It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents—except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.”

Rewrite to create one powerful, controlling image: “It was a dark and stormy night, and the wind was rattling the housetops of London.” II. Sins of EXCESS #3: Too Much Description and/or exposition History of the legendary sword / Great War / order of space-wizards / magic dingus

Paragraphs-long description of plain-yet- gorgeous protagonist

Paragraphs-long description of victim’s mutilated body

The thread of the lace on the hem of the gown over the embroidered whalebone corset

Gritty streets are gritty.

Plus boring rooms, ordinary routines, and life stories galore! II. Sins of EXCESS #4: Too Much Action

From LemonDemon’s “The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny”

Action doesn’t just mean just fight scenes – it’s also chases, heists, sex, playing a high-stakes game, etc. II. Sins of EXCESS Perdition:

• Clear words, but no clear story

• First page is ‘unfilmable’ (too much

description/exposition) – OR -

• First page is all choreography (a list of actions)

You Might Hear…

• “I got hooked once X happened” (20 pages in) • “I was skimming / I skipped ahead”

• “What did [character] want?”

• “Exciting, but I don’t really care” II. Sins of EXCESS Perdition:

• Clear words, but no clear story

• First page is ‘unfilmable’ (too much

description/exposition) – OR -

• First page is all choreography (a list of actions)

Redemption:

• Provoke reader curiosity • Start when the story starts

• Focus on the unusual or unexpected

• Use action and description to reveal character rejection The Highway to Hell

I. Sins of Sloppiness

II. Sins of Excess

III. Sins of Indifference III. Sins of Indifference #5: Cliches Some are universally tired: “The Dirty Dozen”

• Character waking up • Character’s life story

• Character’s daily routine / oh-so-average life

• Character analyzing their appearance

• Character addressing the audience

• Navel-gazing • Dead body

• Info-dumping • Dream sequence

• Fateful tragedy • Chase sequence

• forward to something actually interesting from much later in the story (Annoying Prologue Syndrome) III. Sins of Indifference #5: Cliches But you can do better!

• Be fearlessly dull and cliché on your first draft!

You have to get to the end before you can write a good beginning • Find the easiest, laziest, most obvious choice you could make – and then do something else Take your first, second, and third ideas and place them carefully in the garbage. Dig deep! Reach!

• Read widely, so you know what’s been done to death ‘Overdone’ ideas can be twisted, subverted, and made fresh again – but first you have to recognize them III. Sins of Indifference #6: Confusion At the request of her enigmatic father, the heavily armed mercenary Spectre yanks computer specialist Charity Devalas out of her comfortable life and into a desperate flight from enemies who will stop at nothing to get a hold over the former head of state.

Who’s who? What’s happening? Is any of this consensual? III. Sins of Indifference #6: Confusion At the request of her enigmatic father, the heavily armed mercenary Spectre yanks computer specialist Charity Devalas out of her comfortable life and into a desperate flight from enemies who will stop at nothing to get a hold over the former head of state.

You Might Hear…

• “I got lost” • “Was it this guy or that guy who did the thing?”

• “I had to re-read it to really get it” III. Sins of Indifference #6: Confusion Good mystery:

• What’s going to happen next?

• Will the character get what they want?

• What could/will go wrong?

• “What’s in the box?” any clear, deliberate narrative question

Bad mystery:

• Where/when are we? (Can’t picture the scene)

• Who said that? (Unattributed dialogue)

• Who just did what to whom? (Unclear action) All confusions that can not exist in the movie version! III. Sins of Indifference #7: Boredom “The whirlwinds of Hell conspire to tear us apart - and yet our deathless passion binds us still.”

“Meh.” III. Sins of Indifference #7: Boredom You can not boredom-proof your story No matter how good you are, someone just will not care

But you can make it boredom-resistant!

• A unique character

• A daunting task

• A strange place or thing

• An intriguing mystery

• An unexpected reversal You have enough room on the first page to do ONE of these things really well. What’s it going to be? Remember... No mere mortal can make it through Hell alone…

… so who’s on your team? [email protected] [email protected]