UNIVERSITY OF CALGARCALGARYY

VOLUME 46 • ISSUE NO. 27 • JANUARY 26 • 2006

2200 yyearsears ooff pplayRiteslayRites AAlbertalberta TTheatreheatre PProjectsrojectsʼ bbrainchildrainchild sstrikestrikes aagaingain Cover by Ben Hoffman and Nicola Waugh Cover by Ben Hoffman

THE UNIVERSITY OF CALGARY • VOLUME 46 • ISSUE 27 • GAUNTLET.UCALGARY.CA • JANUARY 26, 2006

Nicola Waugh/the Gauntlet No shit. Maybe the sign was for polar bears

4 EDITORIAL/LETTERS 14 OPINIONS Harper part dinosaur? Pedantry! It’s a metaphor. Turn to page four for our usual wit-loaded Check out the political lexicon 2005/2006, as well as how you social commentary. should want your children to be watched by the government.

5 NEWS 17 ENTERTAINMENT EXCLUSIVE: Harper takes it! During playRites, wrights No, really. It’s true, although you won’t read it here. We do have some juicy campus news for you to check out. It’s that write plays section 11 pages before TLFs. Yes, ATP’s behemoth festival is back and ready to kick some serious puppies. Also, gracing our mediocre pages: the return of the Kronos Quartet, Mozart’s old even for a dead guy and drugs, drugs, drugs!

11 SPORTS

I have a weakness for 23 TLFS sweetness... Our gift to you Weakness for sweetness. Unfortunately, the Dinos have a No pandacide committed this week, but a continuation of the weakness for teams that win. But this week there’s tons of abortion debate and more of the scathing comments you have their cool shit and women’s hockey online. all come to love. Editorial & Letters January 26, 2006

Editor-in-Chief: Dale Miller 220-7752 [email protected] News Editor: Chris Beauchamp 220-4318 [email protected] Section Editors 220-4376 Entertainment: Garth Paulson [email protected] Sports: Sean Nyilassy [email protected] Features: RG Scherf [email protected] Photography: Nicola Waugh [email protected] Production: Adam Berti, Ben Hoffman [email protected] Opinions: Kyle Francis [email protected] Illustrations: Nolan Lewis [email protected] News Assistant: Emily Senger [email protected] TLFs: Kate Foote [email protected] Escapes and Pursuits: Chris Courtice [email protected] Academic Probation: Logan Niehaus [email protected] Business Staff Business Manager: Evelyn Cone 220-7380 [email protected] Ad Manager: John Harbidge 220-7751 [email protected] Graphic Artist: Ken Clarke 220-7755 [email protected] Network Manager: Ben Li Offi ce Assistant: Laura Gerhardt Typesetters: Amanda Robinson, Residence restricted Katy Anderson, Christine East esidence is the heart of any last. Most of us won’t even read these Canadian universities—to guar- consultations. It is doubtful that the Contributors: Andrew Barbero • Aames Barto • Rachel Betts-Wilmott • Colin Flynn campus. words, we just can’t be bothered. antee rez for fi rst-years, the plan now-planned consultations will sig- • Conor Geoghegen • Abram Gutscher R From increased participa- Recent changes proposed to the rez carries too high a price. University nifi cantly impact the plan. • Hoang Mai-Hong • Simon Jackson • tion in clubs, student government enrollment model for next year will involvement should be an ongoing The plan should hardly come Paul Jarvey • Joel Klettke • Eric Klotz • Geoff MacIntosh • Carly McKay • Daniel and on-campus volunteering, to partially address this issue. The plan process. There’s no incentive to stay as a surprise to anyone paying Pagan • Ryan Pike • Andrea Poupart • campus jobs and even more fre- is to guarantee rez space for all fi rst- involved in the campus community attention around here—like rez Ændrew Rininsland • Adam Ramsay quent visits to the Den, rez kids are years, and increase space for graduate, if you know you won’t be back again students. There will be more space • Aaron Sixclasseski • Darlene Seto • Jamie Stewart • Jon Roe • Drew Waldorf demonstrably more involved in uni- international and transfer students. next year. for graduate students (always a • Andy Warhol • Gareth Williams and versity life. They care more about the The problem is the increases come at Furthermore, the process for priority), high-paying interna- Darren Young institution, because it’s not just the the expense of returning students—to developing the enrolment strategy tional students (cha-ching) and Golden Spatula: Kate Foote,  for doing Kyle’s job for him and route to their degree, it’s their home the tune of less beds. The current highlights a number of long-stand- new students (needed to hit the subsequently saving his ass. as well. lottery system to decide who gets one ing criticisms that have been leveled university’s long-range growth The Gauntlet For a commuter campus like the of the valuable spots will remain in against both Residence Services and goals). Continuing undergraduate Room 319, MacEwan Students’ Centre U of C, the importance of getting place, but the actual number of sec- U of C administration. The decision rez students—who currently are The University of Calgary, students more involved in this place ond, third and fourth year students in was made behind closed doors, the heart of campus—will have to Calgary, Alberta T2N 1N4 General inquires: 220-7750 is obvious. Most of us come here by car rez is dropping by nearly a third. without student input. Only after move over. e-mail: [email protected] or train before our fi rst class, and leave While it’s commendable—and it became apparent that word was Sounds like business as usual at http://gauntlet.ucalgary.ca the same way immediately after our consistent with a number of other out did rez services mention student the U of C. Furor Arma Ministrat The Gauntlet is an official student newspaper of the University of Calgary, published most Thursdays throughout the year by the Gauntlet Publications Society, an autonomous, incorporated body. Membership in the society is open Finally, something to be proud of to undergraduate students at the U of C, but all members of the university community  are encouraged to contribute. Opinions Fourteenth in Maclean’s rankings nice things to say about the of economics in and receiv- of much criticism (especially from contained herein are those of individual several years running, a broke U of C. Well, guess what ass- ing his masters degree in , the Gauntlet) for pumping out writers, and do not necessarily represent the views of the entire Gauntlet staff. arts department and an admin- holes? We just produced a Prime Harper attended many of the conservative thinkers is respon- Editorials are chosen by a majority of the editorial board. istration more concerned with Minister. same classes with some of the sible for an important and fairly The Gauntlet is a forum open to all U of C the image of the university than In case you were living under same professors you are right well-liked political figure. Perhaps students but may refuse any submission judged to be racist, sexist, homophobic, educating young minds have all a rock guarded by vicious trolls now. Harper’s success in the election libelous, or containing attacks of a strictly personal nature. We reserve the right to edit been classically associated with the for the past week and have only As amusing as an image of the will mark a shift in the way the for brevity. Grievances regarding the Gauntlet University of Calgary. Having just managed to escape, Stephen Prime Minister hatching from populace views the U of C and the follow a three-step process which requires written decisions from the Editors, the GPS developed such nicknames as Harper, a U of C graduate, was a dinosaur egg is, it’s a topic conservatives it has a tendency to Board of Directors, and the Ombudsboard. The complete Grievance Policy is online at: ‘the U of C minus’ over the years, just elected Prime Minister of worthy of some reflection. The create. http://gauntlet.ucalgary.ca. The Gauntlet is most people typically have few Canada. Graduating with a  U of C, an institution the subject Perhaps not. printed on recycled paper and uses dick and fart joke based ink. We urge you to recycle/poo on the Gauntlet. Editor, the Gauntlet: We can smoke if we want to GAUNTLET die worldwide from  each no association between  and Restaurant, who has reported LETTERS POLICY Smoking not a year. asthma among children ages - a  per cent decrease in sales etters must be typed, double-spaced In  the World Health . Don’t believe it? Then tell me since the bylaw went into effect. and received by Monday at  p.m., killer Organization published the larg- where are all the childhood asthma Edmonton bingo halls have L      and must include the author’s name, est study on and lung cancer. cases from the ’ , ’ s and ’ s, reported a loss of per cent student ID number, telephone number The Truth: It concluded that there was no when smoking indoors was com- in revenues and they are run to and signature. Letters will not be printed Les Hagen, an executive direc- association between  and monplace and enjoyed by many benefit charity. if they include attacks of a strictly personal tor of Action Smoking and Health lung cancer. A  study by the more people than today. In a debate over individual nature, statements that discriminate on stated on Jan.  in a letter to the German airline industry arrived In places that have  bylaws liberties, petitions, political cor- the basis of race, sex, or sexual orientation, Calgary Herald that , people at the same conclusion. bars and restaurants report a rectness, fabricated and propagan- or libellous or defamatory material. a year die from second-hand University of Chicago Hospital  to  per cent drop in busi- dized science should play no part, All letters should be addressed to “Editor, the Gauntlet,” and be no longer smoke in Canada. The next health studies chairman John ness. Want proof? Call Pucks unless we live in a world ruled by than  words. The Gauntlet retains the day  Dave Rodney (Calgary- Bailer dismissed any link between in Edmonton. Wait, you can’t Nazis. Who, by the way, was the  right to edit submissions. Letters can be Lougheed) reported in a letter and heart disease. because they’re closed with a first government to enact anti- delivered or mailed to the Gauntlet offi ce, to the Herald that the number is The U.S. Centers for Disease loss of  jobs. Although you smoking laws. Room  MacEwan Student Centre, or . “The truth” is that zero people Control and Prevention found can still call The Moose Factory Robert Clark sent by e-mail to [email protected]. Gauntlet January 26.06 5

News Editor: Chris Beauchamp NEWS [email protected] Grad Lounge Rez rights rewritten butts out More international and transfer students, less returning Chris Beauchamp News Editor PLANNED Residence Enrollment Model - 06/07 t least  University of First year Returning Student Graduate Transfer Tot a l Calgary students living in students students leaders students students residence this year won’t Kananaskis 315 9 16 10 350 A ⁄ be back in , as part of a Rundle 315 9 16 10 350 new plan to restructure residence Castle 3 102 105 enrollment. Glacier 3 115 118 The new residence enrollment Brewster 36 4 35 75 model will see guaranteed space Olympus 50 9 47 106 for all Canadian fi rst-year students Norquay 36 6 35 77 Geoff MacIntosh/the Gauntlet who apply by the April ,  Cascade 168 24 119 356 deadline, with priority going next Total 630 308 81 217 256 1537 Emily Senger to international students, followed by CURRENT Residence Enrollment Model - 05/06 News Assistant Canadian transfer students. Spaces for returning undergraduate stu- First year Returning Student Graduate Transfer Tot a l Smokers will have one less location dents have been reduced from  students students leaders students students to light up on campus this spring. to —meaning  second, third Kananaskis 315 9 16 10 350 A Graduate Students’ Association and fourth year students won’t have Rundle 315 9 16 10 350 discussion at their representative a rez bed next fall. Castle 80 6 19 105 council on Wed., Jan.  resulted in a “We need to give as many students Glacier 3 115 118 vote to ban smoking in the Graduate as possible a chance to get involved Brewster 2 73 75 Lounge, effective May , . with the residence experience,” said Olympus 78 10 18 106 “The ongoing discussion of a Residence Services Director Joel Norquay 48 3 26 77 smoke-free university has prompted Lynn. “It’s not that we’re cutting Cascade 224 24 108 356 this decision,” said  President beds, it’s providing an opportunity Total 630 448 81 188 191 1537 Christine Johns. “It was a motion for transfer students looking for the Source: U of C Residence Services brought from the fl oor by a coun- same community experience.” cil member.” Lynn stressed the changes are in Johns said  membership line with the U of C’s Academic Plan their student association wasn’t should demand be high enough. will have to move out in their second polls have been overwhelmingly and overall recruitment strategy to consulted before hand.” Lynn also stressed there will be year, it will just strip that continu- supportive of a smoking ban in the create , new student spaces Lynn said there will be consulta- more space for returning and local ity from year to year. We’re already a Grad Lounge prior to the citywide by . Plans also include a new tions with students in the next few students if demand from transfer commuter school and it’s just going public smoking ban, which comes residence building by  with a weeks, but Wyatt feels there could and international students doesn’t to enhance the problems we have as into effect in January . focus on mixing international and have been more dialogue sooner. fi ll all the beds. a commuter school.” Johns is not overly worried about domestic students. “I feel we need to be treated like “We’re not going to leave these Lynn disagrees. business, as the Grad Lounge is “We are realigning our numbers to the paying tenants we are,” she said, beds empty,” he said. “There will “We’re going to build a stronger already smoke-free during its peak best ensure the residence population noting continuing students may be still be a waiting list.” campus community,” he said. “I think hours of  a.m. to  p.m. refl ects those goals,” said Lynn. “It’s deterred from applying for rez next Students’ Union Vice-President we’ll create a stronger citizenship “I’m not sure what effect it will an institutional objective.” year, given the decreased likelihood Academic Paige Forsyth feels the new pool by giving more students an have on business, but I think it will However, the new strategy has of acceptance. “They never ran this plan may weaken school participa- opportunity to try rez.” be minimal,” said Johns. “The health been accused of being planned through .” tion from rez kids. She said students Graduate student rez spaces will and wellness of our members is our without input from rez students. The number of fi rst year students with only one year of rez experience increase from  to . The  greatest concern.” “I’m disappointed to hear about has been projected at  again next would be less likely to stay active in units in Varsity Court for married The decision comes on the heels it in the way I did,” said Residence year, though Lynn said unused the university community. students and student families will of a similar decision by the Students’ Students’ Association President capacity in Kananaskis Hall and “I think the students in rez are the remain unchanged. Lynn said the Union, who recently voted to ban Emily Wyatt. “I think students Rundle Hall will allow up to  ones who are really involved,” said  positions for residence student smoking in both the Black Lounge would be disappointed to know students to live in the buildings Forsyth. “If students are aware they leaders will remain the same. and the Den by January .

Human Resources Management Take it to The next level Postgraduate Take your degree to a whole new level of success. After just two semesters, you’ll be able to apply your knowledge, skills and management tools to any human resources department. Humber can prepare you for professional designation/ accreditation by the Human Resources Professionals Association of Ontario (HRPAO). Call 416-675-6622, ext. 3381 or email [email protected] for further information. Apply for all Business School programs at the OCAS web site – www.ontariocolleges.ca Seating is Limited! Apply now!

www.business.humber.ca 6 January 26.06 Gauntlet NEWS USRI scheme faces criticism Darlene Seto feedback on the overall quality of works, to encourage teaching.” Gauntlet News instruction within a specifi c course. The ’s Students’ Academic Results are used not only by students Assembly has debated the idea of he recent attempt to overhaul for course selection and by faculty making ’s mandator y, includ- a seemingly sound University to improve instruction, but also ing the possibility of making them Tof Calgary program has by deans and department heads worth one per cent of a student’s proven diffi cult, marred with stu- to assess and evaluate instruc- overall course mark. dent and faculty complaints. The tors. Since its creation in , “I didn’t [complete the ’s] fall  semester saw the Universal the  has been administered last semester because I didn’t have Student Ratings of Instruction move on paper, during course lecture to,” said third year political science completely online, causing student time. student Evan Resnik. “I think that response rates to plummet from an “There have been lots of con- making them mandatory is a good average of above  per cent to less cerns about the low response rate,” idea. I do like having access to the than  per cent. said Students’ Union  Academic information about courses and “I’m not sure what happened,” Paige Forsyth. “A lot of professors are professors they provide.” admitted Associate Vice-President upset about this. They want and need Suggestions have been made to Academic Dr. Robert Woodrow. a fair process. A  per cent response the  committee from faculty Woodrow chaired the  review rate is not fair—these [ratings] are across campus. Options have ranged committee that designed the online used for merit-increases and for from not releasing grades until program. tenure.” evaluations are completed to giving “[The response rate] has caught us Students and faculty have a  rebate on tuition for each fi n- Ben Hoffman/the Gauntlet by surprise,” he said. “Our pilot pro- complained that evaluations The pen is mightier than the keyboard. ished form. gram did not indicate this at all.” were inaccessible after the end of Currently, the  committee is The  is an evaluation used regular classes, online pilots were sample and there was not enough flaw in research design,” Ponak looking at ways to improve the rate for all credit courses at the U of C. conducted during spring/summer consultation before the online said. “I know of at least three col- for the upcoming winter semester It provides comprehensive student semesters with fewer students to launch. leagues who regarded the response evaluations. “The great majority of faculty rate as very low, and felt that their “We’re hoping we don’t have to think that student feedback is actual instructor ratings were lower move back to the original program,” important,” noted Dr. Allen Ponak, as well.” confi rmed Woodrow on prospects of a professor of industrial relations in Questions that maybe the online a paper . “No, there are no plans the Haskayne School of Business. program only encourages a specifi c whatsoever to move backwards. We “If [the university] values teach- segment of students have been are committed to the [online] , ing, we need a system with fair and brought forward. and now, to improve participation valid measurement, and if we can’t “There has been an idea that rates.” do that we should stick with the perhaps only discouraged stu- Forsyth disagreed. old system, regardless of cost. It’s dents or otherwise would com- “If we have to, we will [switch important enough.” plete them, and then skew rating back],” she asserted. “What’s impor- Ponak, a professor at the university results,” said Forsyth. “It’s unfor- tant is that we have a program that since , shared concerns of many tunate it got rushed. Students is good, and that works well, rather faculty across campus. need to know how important than one that is convenient for the “It seems as if there was a basic this is. We need a system that university.” Gauntlet NEWS January 26.06 7 Law fi nal exam gong-show Stephanie Shewchuk had returned the original question accepted the situation and are look- News Assistant sheet. However, news of the incident ing to move forward. had by then been circulated around “There are only a few students ontroversy plaguing a the faculty, according to Levy. still blowing this out of proportion,”   fi nal exam has pro- “There were four people of the fi ve said one fi rst year law student who Cvoked reactions of defi ance that wrote the deferred exam and it requested anonymity. “They seem and calls to reform the rules around was fairly common knowledge that to think it’s a huge deal when really exam administration. there was material from that  anyone could have gone back and The controversy occurred after exam,” he said. “After the four wrote checked the previous exams.” the December  fi nal for the fi rst the exam it was found that a copy of If the majority of students have year legislation, administration, and it was still available on reserve. Even a complaint, it is that professors policy class when it was revealed though someone had checked, for should be putting more effort into the professor had reused questions some reason they still missed it.” the fabrication of fi nal exams. from an old exam. The test, previ- Unfortunately for those students “For the tuition we’re paying, you ously used in , was available at writing the deferred examination, think that a prof could manage to the library on reserve and it was the faculty invalidated the test under write a new fi nal exam, especially alleged some students brought in the acknowledgement that it was when it’s the only class that he’s the old exam and copied the unfair to the others. Three of the teaching,” added the same anony- answer. original fi ve agreed to write a new mous source. After a faculty meeting, it was and different exam, another student’s While most students and faculty decided to let the grades stand. status is still pending and currently members appear to be putting the The exam was worth  per cent of there is one student refusing to write situation behind them, a meeting is the fi nal grade. the new test. scheduled in February to discuss the Associate Dean Dr. Chris Levy “They’re the ones who were matter. It will be determined then emphasized the unfortunate nature shafted,” said Levy of the students whether or not a stronger regulatory of the situation but maintained the required to write a second deferred structure needs to be put in place Geoff MacIntosh/the Gauntlet validity of the process. Sometimes it really pays to check the on-line exam bank. exam. “Those who rewrote the regarding the use of old exams. “It’s common practice to reuse an exam dealt with the situation very In light of the circumstances, Levy old exam but I do think this par- library and once it was realized cerning the deferred exam and the maturely.” presented a positive tone. ticular professor was a bit sloppy,” what had happened, they sought fi ve students slated to write it. The Others have felt the situation “It’s a mess, it shouldn’t have hap- said Levy. “All students had access to remove it.” professor reused the same exam was overwhelmingly unfair but the pened but now we have to deal with to the materials on reserve in the Complications arose later con- because every student in December majority of students appear to have what did happen,” h e s a i d . SU election rears its ugly head Emily Senger spend . million allocated by informed without leaving the participation in elections,” said ging onto the Infonet between Feb.  News Assistant the University of Calgary Board of comfort of their own house, the  West. and . Electronic polling stations Governors. is launching a new election website Students can vote on-line by log- will also be set up around campus. Bulletin boards around campus “The plebiscite helps us when to feature candidate platforms. There will soon be plastered with more the committee meets to determine are also plans to expand on website than just posters of scantily clad what students are thinking,” said  content. woman inviting students to trendy President Bryan West. “The website is one stop shopping nightclubs. Candidates for both the execu- for students who are wondering who The campaign for the Students’ tive and commissioner positions to vote for,” said West. “In the f uture Union General Election begins will have the chance to duke it out it will be able to hold all types of Mon., Feb.  and  candidates will Martin/Harper style at all-can- media.” cover the walls with their posters in didates forums, which begin the West encour aged students to vote hopes of winning votes when stu- week of Feb. . The forums run each in the election, which had a turnout dents cast their electronic ballots. day from : a.m. to : p.m. in of only  per cent last year. The ballot will also include a the North Courtyard of MacEwan “The best thing we can do to non-binding plebiscite question Student Centre. ensure the  is a relevant organi- to ask students how the  should For students who want to get zation to students is to have high 8 January 26.06 Gauntlet NEWS Challenge cancelled, students take initiative Simon Jackson mit ideas for improvements to the quality money given to the —give opportunity for student feedback,” Initiative—it’s our direct avenue to Gauntlet News university and is now being run by students a suffi cient voice on what said  Vice-President Academic good ideas, many of which are quick the Students’ Union. The revamped changes they wanted to see around Paige Forsyth. “We have contin- and easy to implement.” he name has changed but the format is largely the work of  campus,” said O’Connor. ued the challenge as the Student Forsyth was unsure what support game remains the same. Academic Commissioner Shannon O’Connor, herself a former Initiative. We hope that the university the  would receive for the project. The competition for- O’Connor. President’s Challenge winner, and will continue to support it.” “We hope the university will carry T  merly known as the University of “A f t e r t h e c o mp e t i t i o n l a s t y e a r, other members of the believe in Special Advisor to the President out the proposals as has happened in Calgary President’s Challenge has the university announced that they the importance of the initiative. on Student Life Sheila O’Brien said the past but we don’t have any guar- become the Student Initiative. The would no longer be running it as they “We disagreed with the idea that she was interested in the project, but antees,” she said. “The competition annual event asks students to sub- believe other programs—such as the the quality money could replace this didn’t pledge fi nancial support for previously offered its winner free the initiative. tuition for a year. We are looking to “The only way we can be sure the university to continue to fund we are on the right track is to hear the prize.” from our students,” said O’Brien. Entries must be submitted to the “That’s why we support the Student  by Tue., Feb. .. Gauntlet NEWS January 26.06 9 Hola, Amigos! Cerveza por favor Andrew Barbero Beyond any acquired carpentry Gauntlet News skills, the students also gain valuable life experience. sually seeing snapshots of “It’s fantastic, especially the someone’s Christmas holi- relationships that develop with Uday in Mexico is never excit- the people who went down,” said ing, but this time, it was inspiring. Project Amigo co-leader and sec- Thirteen University of Calgary ond year nursing student Janette students made the  hour bus Likely, who has taken part in the trek down to Juarez City, Mexico, last four trips. to build a house for a struggling Johnson insisted the program is family. Known as ‘Project Amigo,’ life-changing. the initiative was spearheaded by Nicola Waugh/the Gauntlet “We have students who have U of C Chaplain Centre Director The Project Amigo team built a house for a needy Mexican family over Christmas. I bet all changed their degree programs Kelly Johnson. you did was open presents and drink eggnog. because of this experience,” he said. “There’s a lot of need, and it’s “It motivates students to action. It’s a not that far away,” said Johnson at sional, the team assembled a house amazing experience for them.” “I was overwhelmed by how call to engage with the needs of the the information session and photo from the ground up, including laying Many team members did not real- ‘third-world’ it is,” said Giesbrecht. world, a chance to learn about the presentation the Project Amigo stu- foundation and providing electrical ize the squalid conditions of Mexico “People lived in shacks, old busses environment and the bigger world dents held Tue., Jan. , in MacEwan wiring. before visiting. and dumps.” we live in.” Student Centre. “We’ve done it annu- “I never thought I would be able to ally. This is the eighth home that we put up a wall,” said Ben Giesbrecht, have built.” a recent engineering graduate and The students paid their own travel member of the team. costs, and also raised the necessary “The students do the wiring funds for building materials. Then, and all of a sudden the lights with guidance from a trained profes- go on,” added Johnson. “It’s an 10 January 26.06 Gauntlet NEWS U of C seeks toboggan title Ændrew Rininsland roll-cage. Initially started by stu- take to stop, but it will eventually.” Gauntlet News dents from the U of C, University of The interdisciplinary event Alberta,  and , the event was attracts upwards of  engineer- rdinarily, saying you plan to originally conceived as a distinctly ing students from universities across ride a -pound concrete Canadian version of the successful Canada every year and provides an slab down a snow-covered concrete canoe competitions in the opportunity for them to not only O hill at kilometres per hour would United States. Teams compete in a develop their skills but also make either cause stares of incredulity or time-trial format and are allowed a contacts within the industry and trigger someone to phone a mental combined maximum of three runs amongst their peers. Part of the institution. Luckily, the mem- on both a straight and curved track. event, the technical exhibit, has bers of the University of Calgary While speed is defi nitely an aim, one the teams set up a themed booth, Concrete Toboggan team are nei- of the more diffi cult tasks is actually allowing them to not only show off ther lying nor insane, as the team stopping the sled once it’s crossed their own work, but see the work are doing just that later this week the fi nish line. of others. at the nd annual Great Northern “In the past, some teams have used “Everybody gets to come around Ændrew Rininsland/the Gauntlet Concrete Toboggan Race in a hydraulic braking system, where and check out what you’ve done,” said This paperweight can go 80 km/hr. Montreal. you stop immediately and everyone project manager Matthew Teevens. The event takes place Feb. – and goes fl ying,” said concrete and mix “There are a lot of industry [rep- sionals and with each other.” The red-coloured sled is accompa- requires teams to create a fi ve-seat designer Danielle Goodfellow. “It’s resentatives] and professors who This year, the team opted for a nied by a booth modelled after an sled under the -pound weight not the best, so we have a different come by to take a look and it’s a Royal Canadian Mounted Police early  fort. limit, complete with braking and system where there’s a brake at the good opportunity for students to theme in honour of the four offi cers steering mechanisms as well as a back. We’re not sure how long it will make contact with industry profes- slain in northern Alberta last year. For info go to www.fp.ucalgary.ca/gnctr/ or www.gnctr.info. SU Prez gets more compelling

Chris Beauchamp volunteering efforts for the people, most compelling Calgarians to News Editor communities and province of watch in . Alberta,” according to an invita- West said he was pleased to University of Calgary Students’ tion letter from Calgary Fort be honoured by the award, but Union President Bryan West  Way ne Cao. The medal- stressed he was a little shy about received an unusual honour lion was accompanied with a the publicity. from the Alberta government last Certificate of Alberta Centennial “It’s nice and everything, but week. Recognition. I really don’t need a story about West was awarded an Alberta Cao said the student leader was it,” pleaded West, to no avail. Centennial Medallion for his “out- nominated after West was named “Beauchamp, please. It’s not neces- standing work, achievements and one of the Calgary Herald’s  sary.” Gauntlet January 26.06 11

Sports Editor: Sean Nyilassy SPORTS [email protected] World Cup is hockey right? A season of follies Gareth Williams when was the last time you harassed it might get out of hand, the Dinos Sports Opinions Team Canada’s Taryn Swiatek for came out swinging in the third set, an autograph after a Dinos game? playing good defense and running This summer Germany will host Not to say women’s soccer players their attack with confi dence. They the most exciting of sporting events, don’t have a lot of skill and passion, were up – at the second technical and the whole world will be wrapped but in terms of speed, strength and break, forcing the Spartans to play up in all the action of the soccer fl owing play, the men’s game simply catch-up for the fi rst time. Trading World Cup. For a month, Canadians makes for better viewing. points down the home stretch, the will neglect their signifi cant others So what can be done to get the teams provided some much-needed to watch games, discuss Beckham’s men’s team back into the world’s suspense with Calgary having two latest hair style and get caught up in biggest sporting event? What Canada match points. Unfortunate service the upsets, amazing goals and new must do is follow the example of errors on both occasions allowed the superstars that every World Cup the Socceroos, Australia’s national Spartans to squeak by – to take produces. team, who will be going to their fi rst the – victory. Of course, there’s just one prob- World Cup since the  tourna- Blake Adair led the Dinos with  lem: Canada won’t be playing in ment—also held in Germany. kills while Rob Ellis chipped in nine Germany. Instead, most Canucks The sport in both Canada and digs. The real story was on the base- will look to their hyphenated-heri- Australia bears close resemblance. line, however, as the Dinos recorded tage to determine who they will cheer Soccer is the top participatory  service errors on the night. for. From Argentinean-Canadians sport in Canada and the second Saturday’s match proved to be to Ukrainian-Canadians, we’ll sup- in Australia after swimming. much of the same. The Spartans port the country we feel connected However, in both countries soccer completed the weekend sweep to by birth, family ties or ancestry. is only a minor professional team with three straight sets (–, What a shame it is that Canadians sport—behind hockey and football –, –). While the scores were won’t be able to cheer on our own in Canada and rugby, cricket and closer, the Dinos had to scramble national soccer team. Aussie Rules football in Australia. for every point, recording a  per The Canadian men’s team has not And just like the top Australian play- cent kill effi ciency to the visitors’ made it into the World Cup since ers, many of Canada’s best play for  per cent.  in Mexico. Compared to the European squads. In both countries The third set was again the most women’s side, the men have had soccer is often seen as a sport for entertaining as the home side was little success on the international immigrants and is maligned as being only down – at the second stage. However, as with many female “boring” or “a sissy sport.” technical break. But  stifled sports, women’s soccer doesn’t So how did those Antipodeans

Geoff MacIntosh/the Gauntlet any momentum the Dinos may seem to capture the same atten- show up their critics and qualify for While most would be terrifi ed, TWU laughed at Ellis’ cries. have been building and went on to tion as the men’s game. After all, see , page  win the set handily. Carly McKay Trinity Western University Spartans Eric von Engelbrechten paced the Gauntlet Volleyball and it wasn’t pretty. team with nine kills. Paul Albert pro- Friday night’s match got off to a vided seven digs in the loss. hen a coach sums up a rough start. The Dinos seemed to The Dinos play their fi nal home season with descriptors have dozed off during the national games of the season Jan. – Wsuch as “fallen off the anthem and were spanked – against the – Thompson Rivers turnip truck” and “unbelievably before anyone realized what was University WolfPack. Games are annoying,” it is fairly evident that happening. The second set was at  p.m. in the Jack Simpson something has gone horribly awry. marginally better; the home side Gymnasium. The Dinos are just Anyone in attendance at the Dinos managed to score three more points, two points ahead of the WolfPack men’s volleyball team’s matches losing –. in the standings, so will have to fi ght Jan. – could attest to that. The Just as fans began to grow restless to stay above the bottom rung of the squad hosted the second-ranked and the referee heckling looked like ladder.

SUBJECT TO CLASSIFICATION 12 January 26.06 Gauntlet SPORTS Attracktive results Sean Nyilassy jump. The Dinos triple-jumped Sports Editor their way to victory as well. The fi rst four spots in the event went f indoor track and fi eld medals to Palmer, Tse, Nelson and Baerg are the new crack, the Dinos respectively. Ihad to lose the po-po after Once these sprinters and leapers their weekend spree in Edmonton. had lost the tail, it was time to pass The University of Alberta hosted the the buck onto the closers to leave the Golden Bear Open Jan. – and pigs in their dust. The -metre the Dinos track and fi eld squad were relay team snuck the baton through out in full force. customs, taking the gold without set- To no one’s surprise, Jessica ting off the metal detector in a time Zelinka, one of the most deco- of :.. rated Dinos athletes in recent Now that the package was with history, cleaned up at the event. the distance runners, the fuzz were However, she is not competing as left panting and hopeless. Holly a Dino this season due to commit- Ratzlaff and Ariana Binotto were ments for her upcoming trip to the fourth and fi fth respectively in the  Commonwealth Games in -metre dash, just over a second Melbourne, Australia. She com- off the winning pace. Ratzlaff went petes on the University of Calgary on to win the -metre dash in Athletic Club team. :. with Renee Kaylor and The lady Dinos proved that out- Binotto hot on her tail in second pacing those pesky Calgary cop- and fourth place respectively. pers is no problem with a strong Shannon Popowich continued to showing in the -metre hurdles take the heat off, fi nishing less than finals. Zelinka won the event by a second behind the victor to earn . seconds in a time of .. Diana silver in the -metre run. Riley Gruber, Samantha Anderson () McQueen placed fi fth in the event. and Carolyn Tom took the next Popowich pulled it together to take three spots while Melissa Van Hal the gold in the -metre run in () and Tricia Palmer took sixth :. while Lindsay Winter was and seventh. less than  seconds back in fi fth Our ladies were no slouches in the place. Hilary Johnston, with her -metre dash fi nals either. Zelinka, second-place finish in the - in . seconds, was again fi rst with metre run, was almost home free Gruber and Adele Smigelski not too when her route took her past a far behind in sixth and th. doughnut shop. Now that the Dino ladies were With Krispy Kreme-injected confidently out-running the – super strength, the long arm of the with their medals while hurdling law would, this time, thwart the picket fences, they tested their Dinos. This shut all doors but one: abilities to jump taller fences and Zelinka shot-putted all four kilo- ponds. The high jump was another grams of evidence as far as humanly golden event for Zelinka who cleared possible. For her .-metre effort, . metres. Rachelle Nelson placed she was awarded a silver medal and fourth with Karen Baerg and Van the Dinos will receive no jail time. Hal tying for fi fth. The Dinos men may not have The long jump was Dino as easy a time with their getaway, dominated with gold, silver and though there were still many strong bronze going to Gruber, Palmer performances. Dave Crittenden and Anderson respectively. Kim and Greg Maidment were fourth Tse grabbed fi fth in the event with and sixth in the -metre hurdles a jump just over  centimetres short fi nals. Jay O’Lain and Mark Baerg of Gruber’s winning .-metre see , page  Gauntlet SPORTS January 26.06 13 Soccer, cont’d from page 11 Seven is more than 15 the World Cup? A lot of the credit Major League Soccer into Toronto “We expect much more compe- can be given to their professional in , Canadians will develop the tition in Rome,” said Stoughton, domestic league which has become belief that our country is a soccer noting that more traditional a huge success Down Under in the nation. We’re still a long way from rugby powerhouses like England last few years. With an average , the crowd of , who willed the and France—who were absent in spectators attending A-League Socceroos onto victory in their last China—will be in attendance. matches, the Aussies have developed play-off match against Uruguay in Despite the strong opposition that a passion for the game and the belief Sydney, but the proposed ,- Canada will face this time around, that they deserve to play among the seat soccer stadium in Toronto could Stoughton believes her team will world’s best nations. be the birthplace of Canada’s next be better organized than the hast- Hopefully, with the expansion of World Cup squad. ily thrown together squad which won in Beijing. Untrackable, cont’d from page 12 Sevens rugby is played on a full fi eld by teams of seven rather than were third and fi fth in the high jump Kerr’s specialty. He placed second the usual . The game lasts a quarter with O’Lain’s jump being just three in the -metre run and won the of an hour instead of the normal  centimetres off the winning jump. -metre run by more than three minutes. Even though the game isn’t The -metre baton run- seconds. Jared Fletcher () was very popular in Canada, Stoughton ners were just over two seconds fourth and fi fth in the respective feels the sport has improved the skills off the pace, managing second. events. Grant Burwash managed she brings to regular rugby play. Trent Ratzlaff was fourth in the fourth in the -metre run. “Sevens forces you to be a good -metre dash and less than a sec- The Dinos take to the indoor decision maker and an elusive run- ond slower than the winning pace in track and fi eld... uhhh... fi eld again ner,” explained Stoughton, adding the -metre dash for second place. Sat., Jan.  right here in the Jack that the game has made her a bet- Michael Saizew was fourth. Simpson Gymnasium. Events begin ter tackler. “Errors are certainly The longest events were Geoff at  a.m. more costly. If you miss a tackle, it probably means the other player will score.” Being the co-captain of Alberta’s provincial team and short-listed for Canada’s national squad, Stoughton is also an accomplished scrum-half at the -a-side level. However, she realizes that sevens is a totally dif- ferent sport from s rugby. “Beyond the set pieces it’s just a very open game,” said Stoughton. “There are no real positions. Everyone needs to be able to do

Gareth Williams/the Gauntlet every role.” Stoughton and rugby are like bacon and peanut butter. Just like the eternal city itself, a sevens player can’t be built in a day. Gareth Williams to represent Canada at the sec- Stoughton has been training hard for Gauntlet Rugby ond Federation International du months now in anticipation of, fi rst, Sport Étudiant World University being selected, and now going to aura Stoughton—affable, Seven-on-Seven Women’s Rugby Rome. Her rigorous training regime well-spoken and with a Championship in Rome. The is meant to help her hit top form by Lgreat job downtown—is the squad consists of  players from August. No matter the outcome of kind of U of C graduate our school Canadian universities. Stoughton the championship, Stoughton plans would love you to meet. In August is one of just three returning play- to enjoy the experience. however, Stoughton is the last per- ers from the team that won gold at “I plan on trying to stay a few son Canada’s rugby foes will want the  championship in Beijing days afterwards to visit,” Stoughton to meet on the fi eld. by beating Kazakhstan in the said with a smile. “I’ve never been Stoughton has been selected fi nal match. to Italy.” 14 January 26.06 Gauntlet

Opinions Editor: Kyle Francis OPINIONS [email protected] Political Lexicon 2005/2006 Adam R. Ramsay Awe ematical equivalent of dividing by is to say, there are things that we Advertising Gauntlet Columnist Proper respect showed to ’s zero. Whenever in doubt, or if know we don’t know. But there are The very foundation of national- earning  times what you earn. criticized, talk about family val- also unknown unknowns. There ism, culture and personal identity. “That depends on what your defi ni- ues. are things we don’t know we don’t Only method to beat the terrorists. tion of the word is, is.” CEOs know.” You get the point. – President Bill Clinton Modern heroes of our time. Liberal – Donald Rumsfeld Able to dismiss , employ- Anything and everything weak, Neo-conservatism In , during the scandal that ees summarily and be applauded flimsy, silly or French. A dying Gun control God’s answer to a political ideol- a saw a nation realize the curvature for their business acumen by cause reserved for feeble minded Dangerous idea analogous to ogy. Perfect and unwavering in its of its president’s penis, the world said dismissed employees. (See university columnists. communism. commitment to ignorance and the encountered some of the most Awe) healing power of death. clever uses of language witnessed Money Stupidity since Shakespeare. Since then, new Conservative Most valuable thing known to (See Liberal) China developments have been made in The only intelligent political man. Lights the path to perdition World’s next major superpower, political lexicon from Rumsfeld, ideology and the proper road to and to heaven. Value designated Poor, The providing it does not execute the to Bush and back. The language of Babylon. Reactionary, no. Loud, by fiat or decree by emperor. Can Unfortunate byproduct of majority of its citizens. politics has never been so obtuse and yes. The relationship between be laundered. (See Liberal Party wealth creation. meaningless. Here is a helpful guide stupidity and loudness is inversely of Canada) John Kerry compiled on current buzzwords and proportional. The louder I am, Weapons of mass destruction Loser. phrases. the less stupid I sound and the War Theoretical term, taken too more right I become. (See Bill Necessary extension of capital- seriously by mainstream media. Dick Cheney ‘My campaign is about telling the O’Reilly) ism and growth. No two democratic Meant as a play on words or a Second most intelligent man alive truth.’ states have ever declared war figure of speech. today. Has identity issues as he is usu- No political campaign is about Government contract against each other. Spread democ- ally in a safe and undisclosed loca- telling the truth. Not now, not Most valuable financial instru- racy by carpet bombing country CNN tion. Angry at those hurting America then, and not  years from ment known to man. No bidding until it has as many McDonalds Dangerous corporation that —champion of the oil industry. now. The truth is to politics permitted, usually awarded to as it does mosques. does not take orders well. Has what cold fusion is to physics: Haliburton. (See Corruption) much to learn from Fox. Scandal a great idea, but never possible. Bill O’Reilly Necessary check on prosperity Weapons of mass destruction, Family values Most intelligent man alive today, Liberal Party of Canada and happiness. Overblown by  Iraq and Al-Qaeda, the truth my Multi-purpose device. Introduced possibly the messiah. Never wrong, (See Corruption) and usually forgotten within  busi- friend is wandering somewhere whenever diffi cult questions arise always right, always on message. If ness days. Requires ostensible shows between Alaska and Georgia. about war, taxation or govern- he is ever wrong, check if hell has Corruption of outrage and disgust. Lost, most certainly never to be ment spending. Impossible to frozen over. Necessary check on idealism and found. define, family values are the math- inflation. Signifies a mature and Micheal Bloomberg Election developed nation prone to demo- Current mayor of New York City Starts as a promising Broadway cratic self-government. Always to who successfully purchased his musical but always ends as a be treated with disgust and con- office for  million U.S. (See Shakespearean tragedy. Victory tempt in public but embraced Election) usually belongs to the one who privately. (See Government could make more extravagant Contract) Freedom empty promises. Can be pur- To be solely and exclusively chased, if price is right. (See Michael Economics bought, distributed and marketed Bloomberg) The non-science that thought it by America. Commensurate with could. Designs models that assume net worth—true freedom starts Confusion conditions otherwise impossible. somewhere in the vicinity of “There are known knowns. These When model becomes flawed a  million. Currently, being are things we know that we know. new model is created. Process test-marketed unsuccessfully in There are known unknowns. That repeats indefinitely. Iraq. Gauntlet OPINIONS January 26.06 15 Tony Blair is watching your children Joel Klettke they scoop up one of the  hairs I shed the idea of building the database do grow up to be Gauntlet Opinions every day! The nerve of them, swab- should be passed along through criminals. Most, bing my freshly used urinal! The fact Parliament and voted upon, letting thankfully, do t’s  a.m.—do you know where is, from your saliva and sweat to your the people have their say. Bring it not. But  your children are? The British fl aky, fl aky dandruff, your precious into the public, and let people know databases are government most certainly  is already hurling itself all over what’s happening so that you can be one of few proactive I , does. Not only that, but for the planet. The fact that a government kept accountable for the informa- measures against of them, it knows most everything else is storing a little piece of it shouldn’t tion you collect. Anything done in crime a government about them too, from hair colour to keep you awake at night. Of course, stealth automatically receives a nega- can take without proneness to acne. Recently  News new information about the govern- tive response from the public, no actively monitor- published an article stating that the ment storing any sort of information matter how good an idea it is. That ing the daily lives of  of , U.K. children has been about its citizens is always greated with being said, anyone opposed to the its citizens. If the next profi led and stored, as the paper says a cautious “Oh, really?” Even so, as notion of having  stored should story out of the U.K. is “despite them never having been many as , non-criminals have consider this:  is not like a cam- about a top-secret govern- cautioned, charged, or convicted of volunteered to have their  stored, era or recording device nudging its ment cloning agency, or a an offence.” The discovery has sent often victims of crimes, or just general invasive lens into your privacy, it test-tube baby breeding ripples through the public as ques- do-gooders. doesn’t report your income, or what ground, then we have tions of a potential police-state simi- While some disapprove of the late-night television you indulge in. cause for alarm. Until lar to that of fascist governments past British government storing the In fact, you release more information then, stop being paranoid, arising in the future. samples, believing it implies a guilty about your present life when you don’t commit any felonies Despite the apparent controversy, until proven innocent mentality, the give Martha the toothless -year- and grab up some Head N’ profi ling of  within the country has fact is that by doing so they’re put- old Safeway cashier your postal code, Shoulders for that lead to a quadrupling of crimes solved ting criminals behind bars  per cent from which everything from your dandruff problem. through using this  technology. more effectively. It’s a trade off. Will ethnicity and lifestyle to your marital Nobody likes to be watched or you allow the government to hang on status can be deduced with relative monitored all the time, and if the to your bloody Kleenexes in exchange ease and sold to marketing fi rms in issue was , miniature webcams for having the bastard who busted into the blink of an eye. Storage of  is to be installed in the bathrooms of your beloved purple Neon with the not illegal, and allows you to live an the public, the controversy would be custom daisy duke horn brought to undisturbed life unless your career understandable, but  storage? Oh, justice? dreams are of being an international for shame! How dare the government Granted, the British government hitman or cat burglar, which, while hang on to one of . million skin cells should have been more upfront with novel aspirations, aren’t generally I shed per hour! How atrocious that its database. In fact, I do believe that good for the public. Some children 16 January 26.06 Gauntlet OPINIONS Now 2 MORE HOURS of Hilarious Obscenity on DVD! SU View: Amazing PSE Opportunity

“Filthy, furiously funny!” “A master class in comedy.” Public Interest Alberta is hold- Union in Ireland, are both sched- – PREMIERE – TIME ing a conference on post-second- uled to be keynote speakers, and SMASH HIT “Sickly fascinating and hilarious.” ary education February th-th the other speakers and discussion OF THE in Edmonton. The conference leaders all have strong  back- SUNDANCE – ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY FILM FESTIVAL 2005 will focus on the hottest issues grounds. APPEARANCES BY: JASON ALEXANDER HANK AZARIA LEWIS BLACK GEORGE CARLIN currently facing post-secondary Knowledge is power; this is a DREW CAREY BILLY CONNOLLY ANDY DICK PHYLLIS DILLER WHOOPI GOLDBERG education in Alberta. Jeffery great opportunity for anyone who GILBERT GOTTFRIED ERIC IDLE BILL MAHER HOWIE MANDEL PAUL REISER BOB SAGET Simpson, the Globe and Mail’s is interested in becoming better national affairs columnist, and informed about current  issues, SARAH SILVERMAN THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS PENN & TELLER JON STEWART Peter MacMenamin, the Deputy and engaging in exciting discus- ....AND 80 MORE OF YOUR FAVOURITE COMEDIANS! General Secretary of the Teacher’s sion and debate about the evolu- tion of  in Alberta. Concrete initiatives and action plans will be FULLY LOADED DV developed to help infl uence how Featuring Over 2 D HOURS of Extra Footage! •Filmmaker Commentary featuring the changes the Alberta government Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette  •"Aristocrats do The Aristocrats" will be making to , including the Highlight Reel implementation of a new provincial •Behind The Green Room Door: Comedians Tell Some of Their Other tuition policy. Favorite Jokes If you would like to attend this •"For Johnny Carson" Clip •"Be an Aristocrat" Contest Winners conference, apply to the Students’ •Never-before-Seen Extended Versions of Union for Travel & Conference fund- the Joke and Additional Footage of:  Whoopi Goldberg, Jon Stewart, ing by February rd. Jason Alexander, Bob Saget, For more information about Sarah Silverman, Gilbert Gottfried, Lewis Black, Hank Azaria, Billy the Mime the conference, check out AND MANY MORE.... www.pialberta.org. Hope to see you there! Jen Smith NOW AVAILABLE ON DVD Vice President External www.thinkfilmcompany.com www.thearistocrats.com Soundtrack Available On © 2005 Mighty Cheese Productions, LLC. Distributed exclusively by THINKFilm Artwork & Design © 2005 THINKFilm LLC. All Rights Reserved. The  view and its corresponding head- line are products of the Students’ Union. It is printed without editorial revision and does not reflect the views of the Gauntlet Publications Society. Gauntlet January 26.06 17

Entertainment Editor: Garth Paulson ENTERTAINMENT [email protected] playRites all grown up THEATREPREVIEW rates. “But there’s a lot of new stuff girls of the ’s trying to under- out there. And to stay relevant you stand Montreal. playRites have to see if you can keep up.” On the other hand, The Blue Light Rachel Betts-Wilmott In this spirit playRites will be pre- takes the life of Leni Riefenstahl Gauntlet Entertainment senting Diplomatic Immunities. The and questions what is known—or production studies what is public assumed—about the propagandist’s ost people celebrate and private and how easy it is to decisions. Picking Up Chekhov, their th birthdays by keep the line drawn. Creators however, is about family and home, Mdowning a bottle of fi zz Mammalian Diving Refl ex will go investigating the whys and hows, the and turning the music up ’til the out on the street and into homes fi ghts, the happiness, all the while neighbours complain. with a video camera, prying. asking what makes a family. The Instead of burying their heads in “All this leads to the question various plays may seem at odds the sand, the masterminds behind of ‘what can you tell a stranger?’” with each other but they do ask the the Alberta Theatre Projects’ White describes almost nervously. same kinds of questions, search for Enbridge playRites Festival are “It will almost be reality  meets the reasons behind actions and what keeping their wits about them. the theatre… I think. It will be the heart of the matter really is. The festival of new Canadian plays live and different every night, “These productions take on a is celebrating the past  years by other than that I don’t know what life of their own,” White says of looking forward to the next, increas- to expect.” the festival as a whole. ing the challenge and keeping on top The other four playRites produc- Playwrights, actors, directors, of their game. tions—Hippies and Bolsheviks, The everyone who is part of the work “We don’t want to rest on our lau- Blue Light, Picking up Chekhov breathes a little life into the festival. rels,” explains  Artistic Director and Le Gros Spectacle are more To those involved, it is the work itself Bob White. “So to celebrate we’re typical of the festival. All are new which is the celebration, which says expanding.” Canadian plays approaching a sub- something about the kind of people The promise of expansion isn’t ject simultaneously analogous and putting on the festival and what you just lip service. This year’s edition incongruous with the other plays. can expect from them. However, includes not only new events and a While Hippies and Bolsheviks and that’s not to say there won’t be a fi fth production added to the hectic Le Gros Spectacle are both coming couple of noise complaints com- six-week schedule, but new kinds of age stories, the former deals with ing from ’s neighbours in the of theatre. youths of a politically affected era, next couple weeks.

“Traditionally we get the script, while the latter, a combination of Nicola Waugh/the Gauntlet For more information on ATP’s Enbridge The Cast of Hippies and Bolsheviks bone up their playRites make the sets, sew the costumes, run burlesque and traditional theatre, playRites Festival visit www.ATPlive.com rehearsals, do the play,” White elabo- concentrates on two small-town or read next week’s Gauntlet. knowledge in anticipation of the festival’s 20th anniversary. The real urban/rural divide Guo Xiaolu’s fi rst English translation a charming, quick read BOOKREVIEW rent life at the bottom of a  story high-rise These events are intertwined with the telling hooked. Village of Stone fi nishes somewhat Village of Stone in Beijing by looking into her past growing of Coral’s modern life, living with her boy- anti-climatically but it’s to be expected from up in the Village of Stone, a small village on friend Red and working a low paying job at the overall subtlety of the novel. This is not a Jon Roe the coast of China. a video-rental shop in Beijing. knock against the book but it leaves the reader Gauntlet Entertainment Coral begins recalling her history when Village of Stone generally follows the for- feeling slightly unsatisfi ed. she receives a mysterious package from mula of one chapter in the past then one in Xiaolu has written six books, but this is the The typhoon-swept and isolated fi shing vil- the Village of Stone, containing a dried and the present and even though the events are fi rst one published outside of China. It was lages of China’s coast make a fi ne backdrop salted eel. Separated from her parents—her years apart, they are brilliantly connected. short listed for a foreign fi ction prize from the for a novel, especially when juxtaposed against dad abandoned the village before she was Combined with this, Xiaolu uses metaphors Independent and is well deserving, leading to the hectic and expansive props of a modern born and her mother died giving birth—Coral well, providing the novel with a deeper mean- high expectations for more releases on this side city. Using both settings, Xiaolu Guo’s Village lived with her grandparents, who no longer ing. Though there isn’t much action, compared of the ocean. Relatively short, clocking in at a of Stone follows the past and present of Coral interact with each other. At the age of seven, with most modern novels from this continent, scant  pages, Village of Stone is a good read Jiang as she tries to fi nd meaning in her cur- Coral is sexually abused by the village mute. the story is interesting and keeps the reader and well worth the time invested. January 26.06 18 Gauntlet ENTERTAINMENTKKronosronos QQuartet’suartet’s fi rere stillstill burnsburns Each member of Kronos has MUSICINTERVIEW some training in what’s generally Kronos Quartet considered to be western classical Paul Jarvey music, but the band doesn’t con- Gauntlet Entertainment fi ne themselves. In fact, Harrington remembers clearly the departure here are no boundar- from the classical arena. ies. If there’s music that “I was about  years old when “Tmagnetizes me, then I I started listening to music like want to play it. It can come from Stravinsky and Bartok and Charles any country, any city, any place. Ives,” he recalls. “I started driving I just try to keep my ears open all everyone around me crazy. There day and all night. If you can do that was a great record store by my high over a period of years you’re going school, so I spent more time in the TThehe KKronosronos QQuartetuartet to run into a lot of interesting and record store than at school. They that I should have known years a call for score to learn more about incredible music.” had listening booths and would let ago called Ministry. I was listening what’s going on? So that’s what we David Harrington, founder and us open records and listen to what- to them in the car on the way over did. It’s given Kronos a chance to violinist for Kronos Quartet, has ever we wanted. My high school also here. He was telling me how he just learn more about an entire sector of immersed himself in all the sound had a terrifi c record collection and loves their fuck-you attitude about our population that is writing great the world has to offer. A conversa- I was able to listen to music from everything. He’s turned me on to music. It’s a way for those people tion with him wanders through all over Africa and Asia and South some great stuff.” that we end up working with to not continents and genres as effortless America and everywhere else. By the A growing part of Kronos’ rep- only gain some experience, but also as a fi nger through a disorganized time I was , I had met a composer ertoire consists of contributions some excellent exposure.” record bin. The quartet’s music is in Seattle named Ken Benshoof. He collected through the Under  The group’s other influences equally challenging. From birth, the wrote a piece for a group I had and Initiative, a program designed to give started with what many contem- growth of Kronos has explored and that was when I fi rst started play- talented young composers a chance porary musicians have built upon. recreated the most interesting and ing music by composers that were to step into Harrington’s world. The birth of jazz in mid-century stimulating sounds from the esoteric writing new things. I thought it was “I’m beginning to sense this America has fascinated musicians obscura to the greatest masterpieces so wonderful and cool. Nobody else amazing amalgamation of energy ever since. Kronos is no different, and the glam rock of our time. had heard this music before. I was that we’re getting not only from our their fi rst release was a full length “There was this article in the paper so proud to be able to go out on the audience, but also from compos- collection of Thelonious Monk the other day about dust that’s been stage and play music that nobody ers who are writing right now,” he covers. collecting in outer space, and the else had ever heard. I got addicted remarks. “I can’t recall a time in “It was Ken Benshoof who intro- headline was something like ‘Stardust to that at a young age.” music that has been this amazing. duced me to Thelonious when I was older than the sun brought back to The group’s thirst for the novel I just came from a rehearsal with ,” Harrington says. “He listened to earth,’” Muses Harrington. “Can you has brought numerous lineup Dan Visconti, the third recipient Monk records with me to teach me imagine any time in the history of the changes to the band including Jeffrey of the under  commission award. about Monk’s timing. Thelonious world when there would be a head- Zeigler last June. Harrington sees His piece is really amazing! He’s Monk had the ability to make a half line in a newspaper like that? And this process as a positive explora- incredible! We realized the group step or a minor second played on the you just start thinking about the tion leading Kronos opportunities was about to celebrate its th year. piano sound more dissonant than ways things evolve, and change. It’s to experience new sounds. We just thought: ‘what do you do to anything I’ve ever heard. Monk was the same in music. There’s music “The infusion of his [Zeigler] mark an occasion like that?’ There a genius. Just sonically amazing.” that feels right to play every day of enthusiasm and energy and listen- are composers out there whose One of the best perks of being an the year. And that music is always a ing habits is incredible,” he says. entire lives are circumscribed by the internationally renowned musician little bit different all the time.” “He’s turning me onto this band length of our career. Why not set up is having the chance to perform with your idols. Despite having the opportunity to meet musicians from David Bowie to Brian Eno, Harrington has also warred with some outstanding lesser knowns like Indian vocalist Asta Bhosle and throat singer Tanya Tagall, who the Kronos Quartet will be sharing the stage with at this year’s High Performance Rodeo. “We are so lucky to be playing with Tanya Tagak,” Harrington says. “She is the Jimi Hendrix of Inuit throat singers, and everybody else is Mozart.” Tagak was featured on Bjork’s all vocal Medulla, and has become increasingly prominent as a globally respected Inuk artist. Calgary will also be treated to works from a huge range of contemporary musicians and composers, from Xploding Plastix to Derek Charke. “This tour will be incredible,” Harrington enthuses. “We’re play- ing new pieces by Heinrich Gorecki, Glenn Branca, some very wonderful music from Iraq and Afghanistan, and we’ve got new pieces by Michael Gordon and Alexandra DuBois. Our plate is full of incredible music. I can’t recall a time in the past  years when I’ve felt this on fi re about music.”

The Kronos Quartet play as part of One Yellow Rabbit’s High Performance Rodeo Sun., Jan. 29 in the Jack Singer Concert Hall. Gauntlet ENTERTAINMENT January 26.06 19 Inhaling pot good for everything FILMREVIEW presence is given an opportunity accident or on the recommenda- in order to alleviate certain types of are discussed and examined, with Waiting to Inhale to voice their opinions. The debate tion of a doctor. They see the gov- pain is explained by various physi- counterpoints being shown con- is whittled down to the cannabis ernment authorities’ actions as cians working in the fi eld. secutively. Riffe has succeeded in Colin Flynn plant’s effectiveness as a legitimate being nothing more than “taking Illuminating, informative, and at showing the problems damning a Gauntlet Entertainment form of medicine. Focusing on the away their medicine.” There are some times disturbing, Waiting to potentially harmful substance with United States, the country’s history currently eight people in the U.S. Inhale dives deep into the fi ght over possible benefi cial uses can cause. eing the most widely used with marijuana is deeply exam- who have a federal approval to use the legislation at the core of medi- The film clearly shows there are illicit drug, for both medici- ined. From its aforementioned marijuana for medicinal purposes, cal marijuana being prohibited in victims in the war on drugs other Bnal and recreational appli- use as a researched and somewhat the only approval which cannot be the United States. Many opinions than drug dealers. cations, controversy surrounding dignified remedy up until it being disallowed. The legal battle estab- the flora known as marijuana is outlawed and hunted due to the lishing the precedent for medical only to be expected. Waiting to social construct of it being viewed marijuana is also explored as the Inhale, a documentary directed by as something ‘evil.’ key participants are included in the independent fi lmmaker Jed Riffe, Waiting to Inhale is informative, fi lm and their struggles shown. Also who produced and directed the providing a history explaining the elaborated upon are the patients Emmy-nominated Ishi, the Last harsh criminal treatment growers who instead of seeking government Yahi, examines this controversy. and users of medical marijuana approval, decide to grow their own Riffe focuses on the ongoing battle are subject to. The herb was classi- relief. People suffering from a range regarding the use of medicinal fi ed by the U.S. Congress as being of diseases, including glaucoma and marijuana. Various advocates, a Schedule I substance, meaning it , band together in one instance opponents, parent groups and is highly addictive with an extreme to produce enough marijuana col- Drug Enforcement Agency agents chance of abuse associated with it. lectively to supply  patients for are consulted to share their views Other substances falling under the a year, though the  eventually on the subject. While portraying heading of Schedule I are heroin shut down the operation. the substance as neither medically and . Substances determined The fi lm does not simply ask the necessary nor morally impermis- to be less detrimental to one’s viewer to take the stoners’ word sible, Riffe instead allows view- health, by being less addictive and for it regarding the drug’s medi- ers to make informed decisions, with a lower potential for abuse, cal benefi t. Research teams at the something which can be a painful are given the banner of Schedule II University of California as well as process to many. and include drugs like cocaine and McGill University communicate It is not simply users of mari- methadone. their fi ndings on the uses of can- juana who put forward their ideas In the film, patients who seek nabinoids, the chemicals received and experiences, all facets of the the use of medical marijuana are by the nervous system. The ability debate are considered as every extensively focused upon as they of the plant’s effective ingredient, imaginable type of individual share stories of how they came to Tetrahydrocannabinol, or , to or group affected by the drug’s use the drug, whether it was by bond with specifi c neuro-receptors 20 January 26.06 Gauntlet ENTERTAINMENT Life starts at 250 for Mozart MUSICINTERVIEW “Mozart’s music is timeless,” com- choir consisting of approximately  not exclusively a vocal performance. th birthday is worth bringing to Kantorei ments David Ferguson, director of voices. The Kantorei is contributing to “We also have a pianist performing the attention of the public. the Mount Royal Kantorei. “Even in Mozart’s big birthday bash this year by the fi rst movement of [Mozart’s] “Important names need exposure,” Darren Young his time, Mozart’s music has always performing a series of choral works by th concerto.” he says. “These events are used as a way Gauntlet Entertainment been speaking to people.” the composer, including Ave verum The pianist is Jan Lisiecki, a local to get people to recognize the presence Ferguson is familiar with making corpus () and Vesperae solennes musician, who at only  years of age of composers like Mozart.” olfgang Amadeus Mozart music “speak” to people, having been de Confessore (). is catching the attention of many In essence, composers need public- is celebrating a big birth- heavily involved with choirs in Calgary “The music is obviously focused unsuspecting eyes and ears. He ity to make sure their works are not day this year; too bad he for the past  years. In , he formed more on Mozart’s choral works,” may be young, but Lisiecki is not lost over time. Fans of classical music W  isn’t alive to see his th year. the Kantorei, an auditioned adult states Ferguson, noting that it is unlike the youthful Mozart, who was are acutely aware of this and adver- considered a virtuoso early in life. tise important events to preserve Mozart did not live a long life, the culture of the music. So long as passing away at , yet two and a this tradition continues, the ghost of half centuries later his name is still Mozart will be resurrected for many known worldwide. Though classical posthumous birthdays to come. music may not hold the esteem today Celebrate Mozart’s 250th birthday Friday, as it once did years ago, Ferguson January 27 at the Jack Singer Concert Hall. believes an event such as Mozart’s Tickets available through Ticketmaster. Gauntlet ENTERTAINMENT January 26.06 21 The Click Five Pitbull doesn’t provoke you to pierce your eardrums, Greetings From Imrie House M.I.(Still).A.M.I then the innumerable references to murder, (Lava) (TVT) ass, and titties surely will. SPUN album reviews So please, folks, leave your desire to purchase this week • Pete Townshend, The Click Five, Pitbull Pitbull in the club. ..Darren Young

Twin Fangs Street Sweeper Pete Townshend each piece. This unity is aided by each selec- (Rectangle) Gold tion being newly remastered, lending a fresh (Universal) perspective to each track. Gold may not be essential to Townshend fans who own the original albums but it is highly “I absolutely am in love with The Click Five! I It must be a godsend to see a remix album pop recommended to curious listeners that only saw “Just the Girl” on  this summer and I up in record stores across the continent to the know him through The Who. ran to my ’s house and now she loves them legions of Pitbull’s seemingly rabid fans. What ..Ken Clarke too! I just love them soooo much!” could be better than a tailored, altered version –Brittany, age , New Albany, IN of Pitbull’s highly successful debut, M.I.A.M.I Chantal Chamandy Before I knew who these guys were or had (Money Is A Major Issue)? The answer is essen- Love Needs You heard their music, I saw them in an ad for Intel tially anything. A good solid brick to the head (Nine Muse) laptops proclaiming “The Click Five use our for instance would work for instance. Twin Fangs latest release, Street Sweeper, starts products!” I subsequently was informed by my To be fair, M.I.(Still).A.M.I is not a complete with Penny Tentiary pounding the shit out of Lesser known as a solo artist than for his teenage brother that this nattily dressed quintet failure. Functionally, it will work as house her drum kit. Paul James Coutts crunching days of windmilling The Who to super belonged to the “fag boy” pop genre. music at a club. People will dance and have a guitar kicks in a few seconds later, followed by stardom, Pete Townshend does indeed Though I don’t necessarily agree with the splendidly good time doing so. As a listenable his raspy yelp. The song is “Imperial Sound” possess an impressive catalogue of his own genre name, they are certainly a band I piece of art, however, the album leaves much and it rocks. work. Although he composed The Who’s would’ve enjoyed in the happy, simple times to be desired. Decent club music is unneces- Twenty minutes and nine more songs pass material, not every song was appropriate or of sixth grade, when I, too, would run to my sarily interrupted by the incoherent barking of before it’s all over. Only then can you pause even intended for the band. Nowhere is this ’s house and tell her all about these cute Pitbull and the pack of dogs he undoubtedly to take a breath. Only then do you realize how more evident than the new retrospective, Pete guys who sing this song. With simple lyrics calls his crew. If the th appearance of the thoroughly Twin Fangs just kicked your ass. Townshend Gold, is a two-disc compilation about girls, bitchy girls, crushing and breaking word “club” on any of the album’s  tracks ..Garth Paulson representing some of the fi nest moments in If the title of Chantal Chamandy’s latest album up along with titles such as “Friday Night” Townshend’s solo career. The  chosen tracks didn’t clue you in, here’s a little hint about and “Catch Your Wave,” all wrapped up in range from his fi rst solo outing, ’s Who what the songs are all about: love. upbeat hooks, with annoyingly infectious Came First, to ’s Psychoderelict, his most The Montreal-based singer/songwriter has a teen pop voice à la Simple Plan et al, it’s no recent offi cial studio recording. great voice yet, when every single song uses wonder Intel recruited them in this age of While two discs is a rather skimpy example the sledgehammer of subtlety to drive home pre-teen consumerism. of what Townshend created during those how great love is, it becomes tiresome. To her So did Intel have any foresight in using this years, Gold does stand on its own as an credit, Chamandy tries to mix things up by ‘next big thing’ band? Not really. The songs amazing recording. The songs weave from including some French lyrics and a menagerie fortunately don’t cling to your brain and are as tenderly constructed ballads to eccentric of musical backdrops but the songs still have forgettable as the soundtrack to the last Hilary rockers, exploring the depths of frustration the tendency to bleed together. Duff movie—which they were probably on, and despair alongside the heights of spiri- Ultimately, this album is just like a bologna as this fare can easily fi t to any teen movie tuality and optimism. Townshend offers his sandwich, You can dress it up however you trailer imaginable. You know the guitar riff, perspective through unique arrangements and want but it will always be what it is, and your the one you hear as the hot girl is walking by of course, fi rst class musicianship. enjoyment of it will depend on how much the nerdy, ‘hopeless’ boy gawking as sprinklers Although the tunes are not set in chronologi- you enjoy bologna, or Chantal Chamandy go off. The Click Five either wrote that song cal order, Gold works as a cohesive whole, singing a lot of songs about love. or really wish they had. which is a testament to the timelessness of ..Ryan Pike ..Hoang-Mai Hong 22 January 26.06 Gauntlet

E&P Editor: Chris Courtice ESCAPES&PURSUITS [email protected] CONCERTS The doors open at 8 p.m. and Hall. Tickets are available at by Mieko Ouchi are all being Thompson Rivers on the show starts at 9 p.m. Ticketmaster for $20.39. presented by Alberta Theatre Jan. 27 and Jan. 28 at the Comeback Kid, The Riviera Projects this coming week Jack Simpson Gymnasium. Heist and Far From Skinny Check out the Prizefi ghter Sixgun, Monstrus in Animo in support of the playRites Both games start at 7 p.m. will rock your casbah Jan. 26 Films Fundraiser on Jan. 28 and Power of Murder play Festival 20. For more at The Underground. Tickets at Broken City. The shindig hard at The Distillery on information on these and Dinos track and fi eld will be are available at Ticketmaster will include the musical acts Feb. 4. Tickets are $5 at the other upcoming plays, check representing the U of C in the for $12 and the doors open of The Wet Secrets, door. Doors open at 8 p.m. out www.atplive.com. Calgary Dino Classic meet, at 7 p.m. This is an all ages The Vertical Struts and and the show starts at 9 p.m. held on Jan. 28 in the Jack show. The Cryptomaniacs. Tickets SPORTS Simpson Gymnasium. The are $10 at the door. The THEATRE athletic festivities begin at Alvaro Torres with Latin show starts at 9 p.m. The Calgary Hitmen take on 10 a.m. Beat and More will be Theatre Calgary presents the Brandon Wheat Kings playing some exotic tunes at God Forbid, Sworn Enemy, Saint Joan, by George Shaw Jan. 27 at the Pengrowth The Calgary Hitmen rock MacEwan Hall on Manntis and Cannae will and directed by Neil Munro, Saddledome. Tickets are the Portland Winter Hawks Jan. 27. Tickets are available be banging their heads in which runs from available at Ticketmaster for Jan. 28 at the Pengrowth at Ticketmaster for $26.75. merriment Jan. 28 at The Jan. 24-Feb.18 at the Max Bell $16.75-$35. The game starts Saddledome. Tickets are Any tickets left will be Warehouse. Tickets are Theatre. Tickets are available at 7 p.m. available at Ticketmaster for available at the doors for $38. available at Megatunes, Sloth at Ticketmaster for $16.75-$35. The doors open at 7 p.m. No and Ticketmaster for $18. The $25-$62.50. For more info visit Dinos men’s hockey will rock minors, please. doors open at 8 p.m. www.theatrecalgary.com. Manitoba Jan. 27 and Calgary Flames will be Jan. 28 at the Father David assaulting the Columbus Innersurge and Studded The Arrogant Worms and Hippies and Bolsheviks by Bauer Arena. The games start Blue Jackets Feb. 1 at the For Pleasure will go all night The Polyjesters will be Amiel Gladstone, Picking at 7 p.m. Pengrowth Saddledome. at Broken City on Jan. 27. singing and laughing Feb. 1 Up Chekhov by Mansel Tickets are $23.50-$175 at Tickets are $8 at the door. at the Jack Singer Concert Robinson, and The Blue Light Dinos men’s volleyball will Ticketmaster. The game be spiking some balls against starts at 8 p.m. Gauntlet TLF January 26.06 23 Chocolate bribes this week were dismal. Lisa: I’m writing you a TLF while talking To the anti-life moron: It’s common I need a note taker for MWF 9 a.m. Documentary fi lmmakers seeking sub- You all can thank the Youth Donors to you on the phone because I snorted knowledge that a skin cell doesn’t Qualifications include neat writing jects with moustaches. Inquire ASAP to of Canada for satiating my thirst for a little bit of snot while talking to you. develop into a human but an 8-cell and uncanny ability to show up. $10 a [email protected]. blood, thus sparing the panda. Actually, Holy run on sentence. That’s not cool. fetus does—this is why abortion is class. Email [email protected] they just brought chocolate. We want to Sorry for being so rude. I am an engi- murder. if interested. To the anti-life individual: Your argu- see more of that. Bring your chocolate neer you know. -The voice of reason ments are weak and fl awed. Firstly, (and TLF) to MSC 319 or e-mail them -Software engineer talking to I like the choice I have of whether or not an 8-cell baby is called a zygote, not a to [email protected]. All you on the phone right now. M-Dawg: How I miss your sex position I want to vote. But what’s the point of fetus, and cannot compare to a skin cell. submissions must include your name, advice and stories supporting why your having that “freedom” when all those A skin cell has differentiated and has ID number, phone number and signa- A TLF Haiku: Walking through Mac [blank] rocks! When you ride Steven available are one and the same? “Abso- no potential to become anything more. ture. Submissions judged to be sexist, Hall/One can see TLF’s read/There’s like a cheap grocery store pony do lute power corrupts absolutely.” Even A zygote, however, will develop into a racist, homophobic or attacks of a per- more to this rag. you have to insert 50 cents? Please insertsomedecriptivehere_kate can use full-grown human being. One can’t jus- sonal nature will not be printed. -Saddened editor give Wendy a hug for me and tell her extortion on poor juvenile pandas to tify killing their toddler because they’re (It must suck to be unpopular. I request a stupid comment involving get us to write a tlf! unable to care for them! I wonder if you Your bra and ID cards are in the lost -ObfusKate ed.) people who wear yellow jackets. Your -Controlled Chaos really believe morals are relative. Hitler and found. hockey player boyfriend is in the mail. (With great power comes great sure chose his morality... -Red fi ngers, blue balls Good job to the SU and the Gauntlet Be gentle. responsibility. (Look out! It’s the irrefutable ‘Hitler’ for urging students to vote. Bad job of -J-Dawg out. -ObfusKate ed.) argument! Any further attempt at Mon cheri, you are the one for me! I just planning for Elections Canada. Only 2 logical discourse is now nullifi ed. wanted to tell the world how special you booths in the Blue Room = Hour long Found BMO debit card at campus Couples needed for a 1 hr. and 15 -ObfusKate ed.) are to me. I love you so much for being wait to exercise our right to vote. machine. Returned to SU lost and min. study on deception detection. For a part of my life after all the chasing I found desk in Mac Hall. Name on card your time, both you and your partner’s Darth Vader: War can be tricky/People did to capture your heart, because you Older woman moving into SW appeared to be Johanna Turnet. FYI: names will be entered into a draw for suspicion their friends/Poems are caught my heart. Calgary will pay $20/hr (2-5pm) on You left it in the machine with your a $100 cash prize. Contact Gemma at tricky. -Team Jerbear Feb. 5 for help moving into new apart- pin code in! [email protected] -A poem ment. Need 2 or 3 students. Email -Ashleigh If you missed sexual awareness week, [email protected]. To that hottie: You know who you are… Attention all interested blood donors! the swing club can show you a few You have under four months left to Come get some sugar at the Kinesiology There will be a Canadian Blood Ser- moves that you can use on the fl oor! Dear whoever wrote the shit-sling- enjoy the iconic figure that is Tom Bake Sale Jan.26th 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. vices Lifebus that will pick you up on www.ucalgary.ca/~lindyhop ing article last week: Humans ARE Elder before he graduates. Remem- Jan. 30 or Feb. 2 at 4:30 p.m. at the primates. Love, the cyborg. ber, just like the Big Bacon Mushroom I love M.B. north entrance/bus loop outside Ever consider joining a fraternity, but (Some are just more primate- Melt or the McRib when he’s gone he’s -Fourth year electrical Mac Hall. Bring ID and tell your you still have questions? Come check esque than others. gone! engineering students friends! For more information, visit out Phi Gamma Delta to learn what it’s -ObfusKate ed.) www.ucalgary.ca/~ydonors/ See all about! Info session Tue., Jan. 31 in Eight skin cells could never become To everyone in stat217, L04 with Chen you on the bus! the Ariel Room with information ses- To the guy dubbed ‘Carlos’: We see Einstein, Darwin, or Morgantaler. Eight last semester: We love and miss you -Youth Donors of Canada sions at 2, 3, and 4 p.m., refreshments you and your sexy curly hair every day fetal cells could. Good fallacy, though. all—especially the wigger, bitchy stats to follow. in the halls so stop denying our love I do not oppose a woman’s choice, I girl and stinky smoker guy. Australia Day! Jan. 26 at the Flying Emu -The Brothers of Phi Gamma Delta and make the fi rst move! oppose a man’s lack of choice. -The girls who got kicked pub (815 8 Ave. S.W.) Drink specials -Your not-so-distant admirers. -Favours discussion out on the last day and Aussie tucker. Ask about footy in I like to write funny blurbs inside of over name-calling Calgary. toilet stalls so I can tell my friends I Are you looking to solidify a Thanks to a certain aging fl ametop make people laugh so hard they shit great summer job now? Work for Jacobian - a term we never need to psycho, I will never feel safe at the Engineering vs. business chess match. themselves. Labatt, Rogers or Coke to name a know and/or the teacher is far too dumb gym again. Since when does stating Business move #1 (black): Pawn F7 -thedrewskii few. Visit www.mosaicjobs.com for to actually explain. the obvious give you the grounds to F5. more info. -Confused physics 259 student to charge at someone? Perhaps you To Amused By Flatulence: Do you like (That’s right, kids! Work for Coke! should be doing laps at a mental institu- Do you have a problem or dislike swal- the smell of your own brand? Don’t -Kate ed.) Four Flames vs. Columbus tickets for tion instead of an academic one. lowing pills? Make $25 participating you realize that every time you smell Feb. 1. Section 309, Row 2 right beside -TRACK! in a psychology study investigating a fart, you’re really breathing in tiny Engineering vs. business chess match. beer vendor and washrooms—$200. a new method of swallowing pills. molecules of shit? Engineering move #1 (white): pawn Email [email protected] Tennis Cab! Fri., Jan. 27 at the Road- Contact the research coordinator at: -Little Ms. Farts-a-lot A2 to A4. if interested. house. One free drink. Tickets $5. [email protected]. 24 January 26.06 Gauntlet ACADEMIC PROBATION Crossword: naughty or nasty? This week we roll out the red, stained and disease infested carpet for our balls-out (no pun intended) crossword. Seriously it should work. Well not all of it, but it was a valiant effort if I do say so myself. ACROSS (Those are the lines on the horizontal axis) 1. Dogs invented this whimsical technique of sex that captures the minds of human males.

3. Cop a ______. (Hint: sounds like eel and every guy over the age of nine has tried this at least once)

4. A ‘do-over’ in the game of golf and has been known to work in bed.

6. Rusty ______. (Hint: think brass instrument)

8. Tons of creepy over-the-top commercials about this friendly and oh so common STD.

10. Some use a wooden spoon, while others may use leather pad- dles.

11. Chicago ______tie. (Hint: could be a crude sexual act or a charm- ing penguin suit ornament)

DOWN (Those are the lines on the vertical axis)

1. ______Sanchez. (Hint: Think Christina Aguilera and a questionable album she made a few years back)

2. Cleveland ______. (Hint: Sounds like beamer and may be a form of transportation)

5. “Do you like to do it yourself?” “If the mood strikes me.” (Hint: 40 Year Old Virgin)

7. Slang for boner? Also a funky grab you can perform while snow- boarding.

9. Yet again another STD clue. Now you’re probably wondering which way I will go with this one. I could take the classy path and insert a witty remark about the harm of STD’s or I could use a wise cracking, borderline offensive term that is uncalled for. Well folks, unfortunately it is the latter and the clue is “THE CLAP.” Now that’s classy. Come on, it’s humourous, just laugh. Do it, laugh.