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CREATED by Nick Kroll | Andrew Goldberg | Mark Levin | Jennifer Flackett

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CREATED by Nick Kroll | Andrew Goldberg | Mark Levin | Jennifer Flackett CREATED BY Nick Kroll | Andrew Goldberg | Mark Levin | Jennifer Flackett EPISODE 2.06 “Drug Buddies” Jessi and Nick dip into her dad's stash of edibles, with mind- bending results. Andrew searches for the right moment to break up with Lola. WRITTEN BY: Gil Ozeri DIRECTED BY: Joel Moser ORIGINAL BROADCAST: October 5, 2018 NOTE: This is a transcription of the spoken dialogue and audio, with time-code reference, provided without cost by 8FLiX.com for your entertainment, convenience, and study. This version may not be exactly as written in the original script; however, the intellectual property is still reserved by the original source and may be subject to copyright. MAIN EPISODE CAST Nick Kroll ... Nick Birch / Maury the Hormone Monster / Coach Steve Steve / Rick the Hormone Monster / Pubes (voice) John Mulaney ... Andrew Glouberman / Detective Florez (voice) Jessi Klein ... Jessi Glaser (voice) Jason Mantzoukas ... Jay Bilzerian (voice) Jenny Slate ... Missy Foreman-Greenwald (voice) Fred Armisen ... Elliot Birch / Bob the Hormone Monster (voice) Maya Rudolph ... Diane Birch / Connie the Hormone Monstress / Principal Barren (voice) Jordan Peele ... Featuring Ludacris (voice) Bobby Cannavale ... Gavin the Hormone Monster (voice) Neil Casey ... Detective Dumont / D.N. Ape (voice) Jessica Chaffin ... Shannon Glaser / Grace (voice) Jon Daly ... Judd Birch (voice) Kat Dennings ... Leah Birch / Lorriane the Hormone Monstress (voice) Nathan Fillion ... Nathan Fillion (voice) John Gemberling ... Tyler the Hormone Monster (voice) Natasha Lyonne ... Suzette / Intellect Sphinx (voice) Gil Ozeri ... Brad (voice) Andrew Rannells ... Matthew (voice) Jean Smart ... Depression Kitty (voice) David Thewlis ... Shame Wizard (voice) Joe Wengert ... Stan the Hormone Monster / Ambition Gremlin (voice) 1 00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:11,177 [man, woman laughing] 2 00:00:11,261 --> 00:00:12,554 Oh, I think we're early. 3 00:00:12,637 --> 00:00:14,681 Yeah, the Moviefone guy said... 4 00:00:14,764 --> 00:00:18,351 [imitating Moviefone operator] "You've selected The Truman Show, 9 p.m." 5 00:00:18,435 --> 00:00:20,228 [laughs] I love that guy. 6 00:00:20,311 --> 00:00:21,479 Hey, since we have a second, 7 00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:24,441 I, um, was wondering if... 8 00:00:24,524 --> 00:00:27,235 -you'd like to smoke some marijuana. -[laughs] 9 00:00:27,318 --> 00:00:28,528 You know, I would. 10 00:00:28,611 --> 00:00:31,656 [imitating Moviefone operator] I'm pressing one for the chronic. 11 00:00:31,740 --> 00:00:35,910 Whoa. You're the Moviefone guy calling the Moviefone guy. 12 00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:38,246 -Yes. -Sounds like you've already smoked. 13 00:00:38,329 --> 00:00:40,707 [chuckles] Maybe just a little bit. 14 00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:42,792 [inhales, coughs] 15 00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:45,295 Sorry, weed is really bad at this point in time. 16 00:00:45,587 --> 00:00:46,504 [Jim Carrey grunts] 17 00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:50,133 Uh, am I high or is Jim Carrey not funny in this movie? 18 00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:52,761 -Mmm. -[both chuckle] 19 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:56,306 Wow, imagine finding out everything in your life was fake 20 00:00:56,389 --> 00:00:59,017 and you were just a character on some TV show. 21 00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:00,560 That would be rough. 22 00:01:00,643 --> 00:01:03,188 -You're real. Right, Shannon? -I'm real, Greg. 23 00:01:03,271 --> 00:01:07,275 That's good, 'cause I think I maybe love you. 24 00:01:07,358 --> 00:01:09,194 I think I maybe love you, too. 25 00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:15,200 -Jesus, Greg! -What? 26 00:01:15,283 --> 00:01:17,035 How many goddamn times do I have to ask you 27 00:01:17,118 --> 00:01:18,787 not to forget your Eggo waffles 28 00:01:18,870 --> 00:01:21,456 -in the toaster? -Oh, please, Shannon. 29 00:01:21,539 --> 00:01:23,541 I left those in there three days ago. 30 00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:25,668 Maybe you would've noticed if you ever came up for air 31 00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,045 from Cantor Dina's ass! 32 00:01:27,128 --> 00:01:30,924 Just pick one of your dad's CDs to drown out their squabbling. 33 00:01:31,007 --> 00:01:33,551 Phish? Grateful Dead? Widespread Panic? 34 00:01:33,635 --> 00:01:36,429 -What is this crap? -They're jam bands, sweetie. 35 00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:41,267 They were created by Big Nitrous to sell canisters in parking lots. 36 00:01:41,351 --> 00:01:43,895 -Whoa! Is this... -Ganja! 37 00:01:43,978 --> 00:01:45,188 -The Devil's Lettuce? -What? 38 00:01:45,271 --> 00:01:47,232 -Sticky icky. Fatty Boombalatty. -That's not-- 39 00:01:47,315 --> 00:01:48,149 -Turtle. -Turtle? 40 00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:49,317 -Hot Snookum. -Really? 41 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,861 -Goat Cheese Omelet. -I got it. I got it. 42 00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:53,404 -Snoop's Bunion! -Stop! 43 00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:55,698 ["Changes" playing] 44 00:01:55,782 --> 00:02:01,830 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 45 00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:11,506 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 46 00:02:11,589 --> 00:02:13,591 ♪ Oh, in my life ♪ 47 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:18,138 ♪ Oh, ooh, ooh ♪ 48 00:02:26,271 --> 00:02:27,939 [bell rings] 49 00:02:29,357 --> 00:02:31,985 Andrew! Where do you think you're going? 50 00:02:32,068 --> 00:02:34,195 -Uh, home? -Oh, my God! What the hell? 51 00:02:34,279 --> 00:02:37,157 My dad wants me to help him throw out old Newsweeks. 52 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:40,243 You're not going anywhere without giving me a kiss goodbye. 53 00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:42,162 Now that you're my boyfriend, 54 00:02:42,245 --> 00:02:43,705 there are, like, rules. 55 00:02:43,788 --> 00:02:45,832 Wait, I'm your boyfriend? Since when? 56 00:02:45,915 --> 00:02:48,918 Hello? Since we frenched twice already. 57 00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:51,880 And her tongue was slick and meaty, like a fresh trout. 58 00:02:51,963 --> 00:02:54,465 -I do like a nice flaky fish. -Who doesn't? 59 00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:56,759 [coughs] When did you start smoking? 60 00:02:56,843 --> 00:03:00,054 Around when you started dating this chick. I don't think the two are connected. 61 00:03:00,138 --> 00:03:01,764 I could quit anytime. 62 00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:05,185 Um, maybe we could go someplace a little more private to kiss, 63 00:03:05,268 --> 00:03:08,688 like, oh, I don't know, that abandoned Wendy's down the street? 64 00:03:08,771 --> 00:03:12,650 No, I want to do it right here with everyone watching, 65 00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:15,195 you clump of shower drain hair. 66 00:03:15,278 --> 00:03:16,738 [Shame Wizard laughing] 67 00:03:16,821 --> 00:03:21,868 Oh, this young woman truly appreciates that you are human refuse 68 00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:23,578 and should be treated as such. 69 00:03:23,661 --> 00:03:25,371 Whoa, that's some twisted shit, dude. 70 00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:28,708 -Indeed. Do you care for a drink? -No, I'm good. The smokes are plenty. 71 00:03:28,791 --> 00:03:30,877 But you're way more fun when you drink. 72 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,337 Really? Is that what people say? 73 00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:35,298 Come on, Maurice. Just a quick nip. 74 00:03:35,381 --> 00:03:37,091 Nip? [chuckles] All right. 75 00:03:37,175 --> 00:03:40,261 [gulps] Hatchi-Matchi! Andrew, let's do it. 76 00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:42,180 Let's french this blonde meatball. 77 00:03:42,263 --> 00:03:43,389 Yeah. 78 00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:45,892 [both moaning] 79 00:03:46,392 --> 00:03:47,685 -[moaning] -[Andrew sighs] 80 00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:50,104 -Oh, wow. -Andrew and Lola? 81 00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:52,565 This is how I felt when I saw my pediatrician at Lids. 82 00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:54,859 I couldn't believe it was happening right in front of me. 83 00:03:54,943 --> 00:03:57,320 -Who cares? My boy's getting it. -Ugh! 84 00:03:57,403 --> 00:03:59,739 Take it, Andrew! Get it and then take it.
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