By Zachary Bernstein

by Zachary Bernstein

All performances and public readings of DISASTEROID! are subject to royalties. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union, of all countries covered by the Pan- American Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights are strictly reserved.

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ORIGINAL PRODUCTION HISTORY NOTES Disasteroid! premiered as a late-night show on April 6th, 2018 in Los Angeles, as a production of Sacred Fools Theater Company at The Broadwater.

Book, music and lyrics by Zachary Bernstein Graphic Art and Projection Design by Jim Pierce Stage Managed by Jessaica Shields Choreography by Sarah M. Kruger Music Direction by Zachary Bernstein Produced for Sacred Fools Theater Company by David Mayes Directed by Guy Picot

Cast: John Bobek ...... Arthur Edgley Heather Marie Roberts ...... Mabel Bellcoat Dagney Kerr ...... Mitzi Stern / Observer / Daisy Matthew Bohrer ...... Pete Petty / Richard Bellcoat

Band: Gordon Wimpress ...... Guitar Eric Radoux ...... Bass Zachary Bernstein ...... Drums

This production of Disasteroid! was remounted at the 2018 Hollywood Fringe Festival with the same cast and crew, only with Rebecca Schoenberg as stage manager. This group remounted the show once more for a one-night-only performance on February 17th, 2019 at the Mark Taper Auditorium as part of the Los Angeles Public Library’s L.A. Made programming series. The author owes some gratitude to the Sacred Fools Theater Company, not only for including the show as part of its programming, but also for including the script in its New Works Development workshop program prior to the show’s premiere.

ORIGINAL PRODUCTION HISTORY NOTES (CONT’D) It is also worth noting that Disasteroid! was also produced independently in a more primitive form. This earlier version opened August 10th, 2012 at the Underground Theater in Los Angeles.

Book, music and lyrics by Zachary Bernstein Props and Set Design by Sara Higley Sound and Lighting Design by Henry Crum Music Direction by Zachary Bernstein Stage Managed by Julie Simpson Choreography by Aaron I. Brown Produced by Jim Pierce & Zachary Bernstein Assistant Directed by Karen Silbert Directed by Jim Pierce

Cast: Will McMichael ...... Arthur Edgley Natalie Rose ...... Mabel Bellcoat Casey Vandeventer ...... Mitzi Stern Matt Jones ...... Pete Petty Garytt Poirier ...... Richard Bellcoat Joy Darash ...... Daisy Zachary Bernstein ...... Observer

Band: Chris Coon ...... Keyboard Nick De Carlo ...... Trumpet / Tuba Gene Ketcherside ...... Bass Zachary Bernstein ...... Guitar / Drums

CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS Minimum Casting Requirements: 2F/2M ARTHUR EDGLEY (30s-40s): A cog at the tax office who’s been cowed into submission by the ravages of a mundane life, but still hopeful; thinks about the big picture. [Tenor, A2-G#4] MABEL BELLCOAT (30s-40s): Charitable giving is her life’s work; pragmatic under normal circumstances, a woman of the people. [Mezzo-Soprano, G3-F5]

The following roles are intended to be played by a single performer: • MITZI STERN (30s-40s): Edgley and Petty’s tough boss. She likes rules and order, gets pleasure from being ruthless; has strong convictions. • OBSERVER: Leader of the professional astronomers at the observatory; part prankster, part hedonist, part alpha bully. • DAISY: None too bright; oblivious and cheery; the kind of person you avoid at parties. [Mezzo-Soprano, Bb3-F#4]

The following roles are intended to be played by a single performer: • PETE PETTY (30s-40s): Edgley’s co-worker; to call him odd would be an understatement, drawn to minute details, thinks about the small picture. • RICHARD BELLCOAT: Mabel’s arrogant husband, cares about appearances and status. [Tenor, B2-F#4]

SETTING A coastal American city; a non-specified time period.

SET NOTES Disasteroid! can easily be performed without an elaborate set design, but that choice should be made at the discretion of the director. The original production made lengthy use of projections to indicate the scene location.

RUNNING TIME Approx. 80 minutes

AUTHOR’S NOTE I was so excited to finally put up the first production of Disasteroid! that I quit my job. I was young and naive and it was my first musical. I just wanted to give it my full attention without being bothered by such mundane distractions as going to work. No one told me quitting my job was a bad idea (“You’re following your passion,” they said while shrugging), but I felt the consequences months later when my landlord still wanted to collect rent and grocery stores were selfishly demanding money in exchange for the food I was trying to eat. It maybe wasn’t my savviest move— in hindsight, I could’ve done both, and since then I have— but I don’t regret it. Just as the characters in the play, I was determined to give myself completely to an endeavor that made me feel complete. Life isn’t long enough to ignore what excites you. And you can’t wait for the right moment to come along because, even though there isn’t a giant asteroid headed toward Earth right now, maybe there is. You don’t really know for sure, do you? I’d like to acknowledge Jim Pierce for nudging me to start writing this play and Guy Picot for helping me develop it thereafter. I hope you have as much fun with this musical as I did writing, composing, re- writing, producing, drumming, performing, workshopping, re-writing again, producing again, finding a prop telescope for, music directing, once again revising, and putting the final touches on it. -Zachary Bernstein

SONG LIST 1. We’re Looking! ...... Observer 2. Low Expectations ...... Edgley 3. Amateur Astronomer ...... Edgley (with Petty) 4. Every Time I Try to Be Kind ...... Mabel 5. Backyard ...... Petty 6. Amateur Astronomer Reprise ...... Instrumental 6A. Low Expectations Minor Vamp ...... Instrumental 7. The Bellcoat Charities ...... Mabel 7A. Amateur Astronomer Chord ...... Instrumental 8. It’d Be Nice If It Was You ...... Edgley & Mabel 8A. It’d Be Nice Transition ...... Intstrumental 9. Don’t Take Her Away ...... Richard 10. Vacation Days ...... Edgley & Mabel 11. And the Moon Looks Lovely Tonight ...... Edgley & Mabel 12. What Do I Do With a Man? ...... Stern, Mabel 13. A Good Laugh at His Expense ...... Observer 14. The Creaminess of The Milk ...... Petty 15. How Is It Going? ...... Mabel & Edgley* 15A. Backyard Reprise ...... Instrumental 16. Only Now ...... Edgley, Mabel, Stern, Richard 17. Curtain Call ...... Instrumental

(*Petty also makes an appearance in the song “How is it Going?” and it’s meant to be a surprise. It might be best not to list him as a singer in the program.)

DISASTEROID! – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 1

ACT I

SCENE 1 Lights up on the BAND, all wearing neutral-toned button- down shirts, ties, and glasses. You might think that they’re dressed like nerds, but in fact, they’re the coolest people on Earth. They’re professional astronomers who work at the observatory; untouchable rock-and-rollers. As the lights come up, the lead OBSERVER, the cockiest of the bunch, starts to sing.

SONG #1: WE’RE LOOKING!

OBSERVER: WHAT ARE THE ODDS WE’RE GONNA LIVE TO A HUNDRED BEFORE WE DIE? THE PROBABILITY FACTOR’S NOT PRECISE OR EXACT OR QUICK TO QUALIFY WHAT ARE THE CHANCES THAT WE’LL LEARN ALL THE ANSWERS WHEN OUR HEARTBEAT STOPS? WELL, TO FIGURE IT OUT, LEARN WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT, WE NEED TO START FROM THE TOP THE BAND: WE’RE LOOKING WE’RE LOOKING! AND I THINK WE’RE GETTING CLOSER WE’RE LOOKING WE’RE LOOKING! SIPPING GRAPEFRUIT JUICE MIMOSAS WE’RE LOOKING WE’RE LOOKING! FROM THE OBSERVAT’RY WHERE THE PAYCHECK’S HUGE AND THE COFFEE’S FREE AND WE’RE LOOKING FOR A SIGN… WE’RE LOOKING WE’RE LOOKING! FOR THE WHATS, THE HOWS, AND MAYBES WE’RE LOOKING WE’RE LOOKING!

DISASTEROID! – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 2

OBSERVER (CONT’D): THE BAND (CONT’D): BECAUSE SCIENTISTS GET THE LADIES WE’RE LOOKING WE’RE LOOKING! LIKE WE’RE BREAKING HEARTS STARING DEEP INTO CELESTIAL BODY PARTS AND WE’RE LOOKING FOR A SIGN TO TELL US TO DO OTHERWISE

WHAT ARE THE CHANCES THAT WE’LL LEARN ALL THE ANSWERS BEFORE WE DIE? WE’RE LOOKING WE’RE LOOKING! BUT OUR EYES AREN’T GETTING TIRED WE’RE LOOKING WE’RE LOOKING! WHILE OUR HOT STREAK’S STILL ON FIRE WE’RE LOOKING WE’RE LOOKING! WE’LL HAVE IT ALL SOME DAY BECAUSE MODESTY ONLY GETS IN THE WAY BUT WE’RE LOOKING FOR A SIGN TO TELL US WHAT WE’RE LOOKING FOR As the song comes to a close, enter ARTHUR EDGLEY, a mild- mannered tax auditor, followed by his co-worker PETE PETTY, who is odd-mannered. THE OFFICE EDGLEY and PETTY are in an office of the IRS; drab, mundane. Edgley and Petty sit next to each other and get busy sorting through paperwork, including rubber stamping and making notes with a pen. Their chairs are nothing special. PETTY continues with the paperwork throughout the next song as EDGLEY sings to the audience.

SONG #2: LOW EXPECTATIONS

EDGLEY: IF I COULD FIND A FISHING LINE I’D HOLD IT WITH ME NICE AND TIGHT

DISASTEROID! – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 3

EDGLEY (CONT’D): I’D STEAL MY UNCLE’S OLD CANOE THERE’S ALWAYS SOMETHING BETTER THAT I WISH I COULD DO IF I HAD TIME TO LEARN TO BAKE I’D BUY SOME FLOUR AND MAKE A CAKE I’D LET YOUR SISTER HAVE A SLICE THERE MUST BE SOMETHING BETTER I CAN DO WITH MY TIME THE BAND: BUT I’VE GOT EDGLEY: LOW EXPECTATIONS, LOW EXPECTATIONS, LOW EXPECTATIONS I’VE GOT LOW EXPECTATIONS FOR AS LONG AS I’M HERE IF I COULD HIT THE DRUMS ALL DAY I’D MAKE SOME NOISE, I LOVE TO PLAY THE NEIGHBORS, THEY MIGHT CALL THE COPS “BUT OFFICER, FORGIVE ME, I DON’T KNOW HOW TO STOP” IF I COULD MEET A PRETTY GIRL I’D TAKE HER ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY WE’D MEET YOUR COUSIN FOR A DRINK THERE MUST BE OTHER PLACES I SHOULD VISIT, I THINK THE BAND: BUT I’VE GOT EDGLEY: LOW EXPECTATIONS, LOW EXPECTATIONS, LOW EXPECTATIONS I’VE GOT LOW EXPECTATIONS FOR AS LONG AS I’M HERE LOW EXPECTATIONS FOR AS LONG AS I’M HERE PETTY (as he works): Saturday morning I’ll be going to the hardware store picking out which colors of paint would look best stacked up in my laundry room and in the evening, I’m combing through my golf ball collection to make sure none of them are eggs. I relax on Sundays, so that usually means scoping out the countryside for an abandoned barn and napping on a bale of hay or a bale of peat moss. If the peat moss isn’t in a bale, I let nature take its course. How about you, Edgley? Are you doing anything exciting this weekend? EDGLEY (focused on his work): No, I’m not. (Singing) AND IF YOU THINK I DON’T DESERVE IT THEN BROTHER YOU’VE GOT A LOT OF NERVE IT ‘S NOT JUST ME WHO’S FEELING SORE THERE MUST BE THOUSANDS OUT THERE LIKE ME THAT I’M FEELING FOR THE BAND: WE’VE GOT

DISASTEROID! – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 4

EDGLEY: LOW EXPECTATIONS, LOW EXPECTATIONS, LOW EXPECTATIONS WE’VE GOT LOW EXPECTATIONS FOR AS LONG AS WE’RE HERE LOW EXPECTATIONS FOR AS LONG AS WE’RE HERE WE’VE GOT LOW EXPECTATIONS FOR AS LONG AS WE’RE HERE Enter the cruel and irritable MITZI STERN, Edgley and Petty’s supervisor. STERN: Edgley! Where the hell are those Schedule K forms?! EDGLEY: I’m finishing them up right now, Ms. Stern. STERN: You’d better be. If they’re not finished in the next few minutes, you’re coming in on Saturday. EDGLEY: Saturday? But this is an office of the federal government. We’re not open on Saturdays. STERN: The federal government isn’t in charge here. I am. And I need those Schedule Ks. Tax evasion is serious business and we can’t let anyone fall through the cracks. Speaking of cracks, apparently there’s one in my suggestion box after all, because someone actually had the audacity to put a suggestion in there. STERN unfolds a piece of paper in her hand. EDGLEY sits up, cautiously. The suggestion reads: “Would it be possible to please bring in a new set of office chairs? The one I use gets uncomfortable after a couple hours and I spend much of my time and life sitting in it.” Petty? Any idea who wrote this? PETTY: No, Ms. Stern. STERN: Edgley? EDGLEY: I was told the suggestion box was anonymous. STERN turns focus to EDGLEY. STERN: I’m just kidding, Edgley. I could tell it was you by the kinky handwriting. You’re the only man alive who dots his I’s with hearts. EDGLEY: They’re cardioid circumferences. STERN: I remember when you first arrived here, Edgley. The good ol’ days. You, me, and— (Points to Petty) That guy who was here before Petty. You couldn’t wait to get to work and make sure everybody paid their fair share of taxes— not too much that society turns into a life-sucking communist hellhole and not too little that we don’t miss out on nice things like fire trucks, libraries, and roads. Don’t you like roads?

DISASTEROID! – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 5

PETTY: Are you kidding?! I love roads! STERN: Not you, Petty! EDGLEY: Sure, roads are great. STERN: Not to mention taxes pay for our whole livelihood and that’s pretty damn important to me. I used to think it was important to you, too. I mean, in all the time you worked here, you never took a single vacation day. I’m just saying, I miss the Edgley who cared more about tax collection and less about chairs. EDGLEY: Glad someone does. STERN: With that said, I actually think your new chair suggestion is pretty terrific. EDGLEY: You do? STERN: Of course! The chairs you have now are old, chunky pieces of junk. EDGLEY: I don’t know if they’re junk, but they are certainly subpar. STERN: I agree. And that’s why I’m getting rid of these garbage chairs. EDGLEY: You are? STERN: Yeah. From now on, I’ll have you both standing up. EDGLEY: Standing up? STERN: Why have you sitting in chairs when you can be standing like a pair of standing idiots? Thanks for the suggestion, Edgley. EDGLEY: But, that wasn’t quite what I meant with the— STERN: Do you have those Schedule K forms ready for me yet? EDGLEY: No, I’ve been… speaking with you. STERN: Aw, then I guess you’ll be coming in on Saturday. Hope I didn’t ruin any big plans. PETTY: He was gonna do nothing! STERN: Petty, who asked you to open your mouth? PETTY: Nobody. STERN: Don’t worry, Edgley. It’ll be an easy Saturday. You’re auditing that philanthropist, Mabel Bellcoat, making sure she hasn’t let any of her charity money slip into the wrong pockets. Do a good job and maybe a portion of the taxes you collect can go towards funding a nice pair of cushy office chairs for our hardworking auditors. But, if you screw it up: standing. All day long. Forever. Got it? EDGLEY: Yes, Ms. Stern. STERN begins to leave. STERN (on her way out): Petty, will you breathe through your nose for once? PETTY: I’ll try, Ms. Stern, but I have what my doctor calls a “pinched” nasal cavity—

DISASTEROID! – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 6

STERN exits. PETTY (CON’TD) (ending his thought to Edgley): —And I need my mouth to widen the air passage… (Seeing Edgley’s face) Don’t worry, Edge. It’s a rare condition and it’s not contagious. EDGLEY: It’s not that, Pete. I just always seem to have a difficult time sticking up for myself. Why can’t I just tell her, “No, I’m not coming into work on Saturday, Ms. Stern”? —Good lord, even in my fantasy scenario I’m addressing her like I’m a subordinate instead of a peer. PETTY: That’s unfortunate. I guess your weekend plans have been marred by an… activity. EDGLEY: That’s okay. I was mostly looking forward to tonight. As we speak, Cassandra’s Comet is soaring through the night sky and I’m going to observe it through my telescope. You’re welcome to join, if you’d like. PETTY: Thanks for the invite, but I’m booked. I’ve got a date with a bag of twisty ties in my sister’s basement. That’s fancy of you though, to have your own telescope. EDGLEY: Oh, it’s only a small thing; not like what the professionals use. For you see, Pete…

SONG #3: AMATEUR ASTRONOMER

(Singing) I’M AN AMATEUR ASTRONOMER LOOKING FAR PAST LOTS OF KILOMETERS I WRITE DOWN WHAT I SEE IN MY JOURNAL EVERY NIGHT I SEARCH FOR TRANSIENT PHENOMENA FOR STARS THAT PREFER TO BE ANONYMOUS AMONG THE DARKNESS, I LOOK FOR SOME LIGHT I’M AN AMATEUR ASTRONOMER MY TELESCOPE’S MADE FROM A THERMOSET POLYMER I’VE GOT BOOKS BY CARL SAGAN ACROSS MY SHELF I MIGHT NOT BE VERY POPULAR BUT I’M NOT MUCH OF AN INTROVERT IF I SEE SOMETHING, I DON’T KEEP IT TO MYSELF PETTY: BY DAY, HE’S A TIMID TAX AUDITOR BUT IN THE NIGHT TIME HE’S AN AMATEUR ASTRONOMER BUT IF HE PLAYS HIS CARDS RIGHT, ONE DAY HE’LL BE A PRO EDGLEY: IF I CAN MAKE JUST ONE BIG DISCOVERY THE SCIENCE WORLD WILL BEGIN TO LOVE-A-ME

DISASTEROID! – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 7

EDGLEY (CONT’D): AND MY NAME WILL BE MORE FAMOUS THAN YOU’D EVER KNOW EDGLEY & PETTY: BUT I’M NOT DOING IT FOR FAME THE THRILL OF SCIENCE IS MY GAME AND I HYPOTHESIZE THAT THINGS ARE GONNA GO MY WAY The music continues to play out into the start of the next scene. PETTY: Well, heck. My sister’s basement can wait! I’ll come over tonight after all. You make astronomy sound so exciting. Lights down.

DISASTEROID! – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 8

ACT I, SCENE 2 BELLCOAT MANOR Lights up on the home of RICHARD BELLCOAT and MABEL BELLCOAT. Richard wears a nautical sailor’s cap over his otherwise formal-casual business attire. Richard wears that cap in every one of his scenes. He’s a rich prick who paces around his prim wife, MABEL BELLCOAT, who is actually very nice and does not wear any kind of hat. She is anxious and slightly forlorn. RICHARD: Well, I’m not selling the boat! MABEL: Nobody ever said you had to sell the boat. RICHARD: Good, because I’m not selling the boat. What would people think if I didn’t own at least one boat?! MABEL: That you don’t like sailing? RICHARD: I’d be laughed out of the marina, that’s what! They’d say, “Richard doesn’t have a boat! What a sad joke he is! I bet he cries himself to sleep on a pillow made of dirt.” MABEL: No one thinks that. RICHARD: No one will think that, because I’m not selling the boat! MABEL: You never use the boat. RICHARD: I didn’t buy the boat to use it. I bought it so people could see that I have it. “Richard’s got a boat. He must be a genius. I’d be wise to entrust my stock portfolio with his investment firm.” Not to mention all the networking possibilities I can squeeze out of my yacht club membership; a membership I could never obtain without owning a boat. What part of that don’t you understand? MABEL: Then maybe we shouldn’t sell the boat. RICHARD: I know. That’s what I’m telling you. The boat is everything. If I ever go below the level of having a boat, I’m screwed. So maybe next time you want to give all your money to the “needy,” remember that I, too, am needy and hire an accountant instead of trying to distribute all the money yourself. Because when you do it yourself, I run the risk of losing my boat! Is that what you want, Mabel? MABEL: No, I just want you and your boat to be happy together. RICHARD: Mabel, I got the boat for me for you. MABEL: I was perfectly happy when all you ever got me were flowers. RICHARD: Why would you want flowers when you can have your very own boat that I decided to name after me? MABEL: Don’t worry, Richard. I can tell how much the boat means to you. I see how it fills a big empty boat-sized hole in your heart and finally brings you all the joy in life you’ll ever need.

DISASTEROID! – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 9

RICHARD: Don’t be ridiculous, Mabel. I plan on getting more boats. Big boats! Small boats! Other big boats! But I can’t get more boats if we lose the only one we have because of your gross mismanagement. It would upend our entire lives. MABEL: How awful. RICHARD: Worse yet, you could go to jail and then back at the marina, they’d talk about Richard, the guy with a wife in prison and no boat. I won’t be spoken of that way at the marina, Mabel! You meet with this Edgley guy and you fix this. Do you understand? MABEL: Yes, Richard. RICHARD takes a scarf out of his pocket. RICHARD: Oh, and you left your scarf in the car. MABEL: That’s not mine. Pause. RICHARD (covering): It’s a gift… Happy tax season. RICHARD kisses MABEL on the cheek, hands her the scarf, and exits.

SONG #4: EVERY TIME I TRY TO BE KIND

MABEL: YOU GIVE YOUR HEART TO A WEASEL IN A TAILOR-FITTED SUIT AND THOUGH YOU MIGHT FEEL UGLY HE’LL TELL YOU THAT YOU’RE CUTE BUT I WANT TO REACH MY POTENTIAL I TRY MY BEST, I’LL TELL YOU WHAT BUT EVERY TIME I TRY TO BE KIND IT BITES ME IN THE BUTT

YOU SAY A PRAYER TO GOD AND ASK HIM NOT TO LEAVE YOU BEHIND WHILE HE MASTURBATES IN THE GRAVEYARD OF YOUR UNSUSPECTING MIND SO I TAKE ON MY SHARE OF THE BURDENS THAT HAVE FELL INTO MY LAP BUT EVERY TIME I TRY TO BE KIND I’M REWARDED WITH A SLAP

AND IF THERE’S SOMETHING THAT I’M DOING WRONG OR SAYING WRONG

DISASTEROID! – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 10

MABEL (CONT’D): THEN I’M GONNA GO AND TRY A NEW APPROACH TO EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING

MY MOTHER ALWAYS TOLD ME AFTER EVERY TIME SHE DOSED IT’S THE PEOPLE WHO YOU CARE FOR WHO BREAK YOUR HEART THE MOST BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE A DISAPPOINTMENT OR GET TOO BIG FOR MY CLOTHES BUT EVERY TIME I TRY TO BE KIND I ALWAYS GET THE HOSE YES, I DO I TRY TO BE KIND EVERY TIME Lights down. “Every Time I Try To Be Kind” reprises during the scene change.

DISASTEROID! – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 11

ACT I, SCENE 3 EDGLEY’S BACKYARD; NIGHT TIME EDGLEY and PETTY stand in Edgley’s backyard. Edgley is looking through his telescope, while Petty is enraptured in the flora on the ground. EDGLEY: I’m looking within the stars of the Sand Lizard Cluster for Cassandra’s Comet which cycles around the sun every fifty years and five minutes. So when that five-minute lag adds up to another fifty years, the comet starts orbiting from its original point. And tonight’s the night we see it come full circle. This only happens once every 5,256,000 years. PETTY: And then what happens? EDGLEY: Well, it just keeps spinning around. For eternity. PETTY: Does it have nice leafy branches? EDGLEY: Of course it does. Wait, no. (Breaks from telescope viewer) What? PETTY: Because this tree has nice, leafy branches. I dig it. EDGLEY: Just give me a minute to find the comet and you can see the celestial majesty for yourself; promise. PETTY: What for? You already have a pretty majestic backyard right here! I love backyards. They remind me of plots of grass. Generally, I like things with plants in them. I bet there are some pretty cool bugs, too. And look at these leaves! I’d start a leaf collection, but there are just so many, I wouldn’t be able to fit them all in my car. EDGLEY: Right. (Then) It’s a really magnificent comet. PETTY: Space is just so big and far away. There’s too much we don’t know. But you can color me jealous of your kickin’ backyard!

SONG #5: BACKYARD

(Singing) YOU, YOU’VE GOT A NICE BACKYARD I WOULD LIKE A NICE BACKYARD ONE DAY I’LL GET ONE, LIKE THIS ONE HERE IT MIGHT TAKE A WEEK OR A MONTH OR A YEAR THEN I’LL HAVE A NICE BACKYARD LIKE YOURS PETTY does a whistling solo.

DISASTEROID! – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 12

PETTY (CONT’D): THEN I’LL HAVE A NICE BACKYARD LIKE YOURS I’LL HAVE A NICE BACKYARD LIKE YOURS PETTY exits. EDGLEY watches him go, then returns to his telescope. EDGLEY: Fine. I could look at any part of the sky and find it fascinating! EDGLEY adjusts his telescope to a random focal point and looks through the viewer, then back at the sky with his naked eye. Is that it? EDGLEY looks again into the telescope, then back at the sky. That doesn’t look right. EDGLEY gets to a telephone and calls the Observatory where astronomers are in the middle of a rowdy “comet party.” Party music plays in the background. The phone rings. OBSERVER: Aw, not now! (Answers phone; annoyed) Observatory. Professional astronomers’ office. EDGLEY: Hello?! I’m calling because I found something in the sky. OBSERVER: We’re all very impressed. Bye! OBSERVER almost hangs up, but— EDGLEY: Wait! It’s an emergency. OBSERVER: We’ve got an emergency, too. We’re running out of nachos. EDGLEY: This is Arthur Edgley. I’ve called a few times before. OBSERVER (holds the phone, to the others): It’s that guy who always calls. (Into phone) What is it this time, Itchy? Is Pluto shrinking again? EDGLEY: Haha, no. Pluto did look like it was… —Not this time. Again, it’s Edgley; Arthur Edgley. Big fan. I can’t tell for sure, but I think I may have discovered an asteroid heading for Earth. OBSERVER: You mean a comet? EDGLEY: Well, it’s in the northern part of the Sand Lizard Cluster— OBSERVER: —Cassandra’s comet? EDGLEY: —It has an ominous blue glow…? OBSERVER: —A comet that’s in the sky right now? EDGLEY: Yes, but— OBSERVER: —Cassandra’s Comet, currently in the Sand Lizard Cluster?

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