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Home , Friendship, Infatuation, Limerence, Love, Love at first sight, Platonic love

WHAT IS ?

"what is love" that is very personal, based on a lifetime of experiences starting with and continuing from relationship to relationship. These experiences shape and influence how love is perceived and QUESTIONS expressed by that person. Gender Many years ago in greatly influences this process since honor of Valentine's Day, my former males and females often have associate and I wrote two articles different ways of perceiving and about love entitled, What is This expressing love, based on how they Thing Called Love? and How Do We were raised. Also, a person's unique Fall In Love? Because these articles biological and psychological makeup captured so much from our and needs also an integral part readers, I decided to repeat an article in this process. about my favorite topic--LOVE.

An easier question to address People have always wondered is, Why is love often so confusing? about love, specifically about "What Dorothy Tennov writes about is love?" Love has been the this in her book Love and universal theme of poets, novelists, (1979), and comes up with playwrights, song writers and her love is confusing: She singers, , movie makers, states that people often confuse love and on and on... One for this with limerence, which is the early is the obvious, “love makes the word stages of attraction and in go 'round!” People need love. a relationship during which time we People need people. Love keeps see no faults. She emphasizes that people attached and alive. limerence is not love. In limerence, Babies who aren't loved fail to thrive we are often blinded by our and die. and to bond with someone we In , there is no correct do not know. Also, she states," answer to the riddle "what is love?" beings have had difficulty To address the question invites a differentiating among: 1) sexual multitude of answers that are unique , 2) liking, in the sense of and diverse. Each human being has , 3) and 4) love, in a different understanding about the sense of concern for the other Myth 1) "True love conquers all." person's welfare." Myth 2) "When it's really true love, Limerence is often combined you will know it the moment you with (), but not meet the other person." always. The Greek Myth 3) "There is only one true love wrote, "Love is a grave mental in the world who is right for you." disease." Hence, he advocated Myth 4) "The perfect partner will "." He was probably fulfill you completely in every way." talking about lust combined with Myth 5) "When you experience limerence, also confusing it with powerful sexual chemistry with love. someone, it must be love." One way to differentiate limerence from love is to realize Reality 1) "Love is not enough limerence is usually short lived, to make a relationship work-it needs being biochemically based. True compatibility and love takes longer to develop, commitment." sometimes growing out of limerence, Reality 2) "It takes just a moment to sometimes not. If the relationship is experience infatuation, but true love only based on limerence, the feelings takes time." eventually fade to indifference or Reality 3) " It is possible to dislike. experience true love with more than one person- there are many Myths about love, that society potential partners you could be preaches and people believe, add to happy with," the confusion about love. Reality 4) " The right partner will Love myths create unrealistic fulfill many of your needs but not all expectations about love and of them." relationships, thereby adding to the Reality 5) " sex has nothing to misunderstandings. Barbara De do with true love, making love does." Angelis PhD talks about "Love Myths" in her book, "Are You the One Another reason love is For Me?” confusing is because in our (English) language, we have only one word for Here are some "Love Myths" love i.e., love). Love might be easier and "Love "she discusses: to understand, if people accept the theory which purports that "there is not one kind of love but rather six 6) lovers are the romantic distinct styles." lovers. Eros lovers intimacy, In two books, Loving Styles by both emotional and physical, believe Rosenman (1979) and Styles of in , and usually wish Loving by Lasswell and Lobsenz to be sexual in a relationship earlier (1980), the authors present this than people who love with a different interesting theory of love, explaining style. The exception to the latter are that each of us develops a unique ludus lovers, who also want sex early combination of six different styles of in a relationship. However, eros loving. These styles have been lovers want to make love, while ludus labeled with the Greek words: , lovers just want to "score." , , Pragma, Ludus, and In my practice, I often hear Eros (S-A-M-P-L-E): these concerns, "I am afraid I am not 1) A Storge lover bases love on really in love with my partner." "I love friendship and companionship. my partner but not in the right way." Storge love is stable but lacks in "I don't feel loved even though my excitement. Sex is not central to a partner says he me." These storge relationship. concerns remind me just how 2) An Agape lover is giving and confusing love can be to many forgiving, believing that love means people. putting the partner's welfare first. In this article, I tried to 3) A Mania lover adds high energy highlight some of the reasons love and excitement to the relationship. can be confusing and how to better Mania loving is being madly in love. understand love. By better While a bit of mania loving is understanding love, perhaps we can energizing, too much can be begin to understand why two people obsessive and destructive. can love each other, but neither feel 4) Pragma love is practical, from the loved. Perhaps we can also begin to head not the . A true pragma understand how to love better lover goes out with a mental (ourselves included) and have better shopping list of qualities required in relationships. a prospective partner. Revised 2000 5) Ludus lovers play games. They www.sexandrelationships.com are into pursuit and conquest. Commitment is frightening to them.